#dumb asses eating raw meat

[trash-nerd]

made a werewolf in sims 4 that fully morphed into an oc misty i love your dog brained ass

#i'm stuck in the trash #shes so dumb i love her #all misty knows is eat raw meat dig big holes everywhere and Kick Ass also Destroy Books #willingly illiterate #shes destroy your books and then lick herself clean right in front of you

[lowkeyrobin]

Headcanons for mcyt x reader doing a cooking/baking stream together??

I love your writing!!!

<3

ooooo okay okay!!! yes of course bro ; also thank you!! I appreciate it sm 🫶🫶🫶🫶

MCYT ; cooking/baking stream

includes ; tommyinnit, tubbo, ranboo, badlinu, nihachu, quackity, & foolish gamers

warnings ; language, grease fires

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

you guys were making lasanga

Garfield jokes every five minutes

there's pasta sauce and cheese everywhere

he's constantly screaming to the viewers because you keep slapping him with the lasagna sheets, cooked or dry

"y/n! help! I'm being assaulted with lasagna sheets!"

he stained his shirt with pasta sauce 💀💀

almost set the house on fire bc he somehow left shit in the oven before preheating it

you turn on music halfway through and it turns into a karaoke stream

"CALIFORNIA GIRLS WERE UNFORGETTABLE-"

TUBBO

what was once a nice cake baking stream turned into making your kitchen a biohazard

somehow, you both went on a spree dropping everything to the point the frustration got too much for you, and you nearly screamed, while tubbo was trying to joke around about it to make you feel better

eating the remaining batter after putting the cake pan in the oven was a must

"aren't we gonna get salmonella?"

"that's only for Americans"

"really???"

the next 40 minutes consist of karaoke and reading dumb tweets/threads and AITA Reddit stories

"no, you are not the asshole because you were accustoming to a customer's needs, the fuck?"

"fire the manager"

"if they could've I feel like they would've"

cake was a 10/10

RANBOO

you were making soup because you found a good recipe you wanted to try

you accidently spilled the broth and covered your legs in it

he cut himself chopping up the celery (very minor cut dw)

"cooking stream? more like we injure ourselves for two hours stream"

"cooking stream? I hardly know her"

very chaotic but very good soup

during the intervals where you guys were just waiting for things to cook, you started a hashtag on Twitter to ask you guys stuff

and you answered them while keeping an eye on the food

afterwards you guys watch TV and eat your food while still streaming

"normalize eating on stream 2024!"

FREDDIE BADLINU

you were making breakfast for dinner on stream

you had to go use the bathroom while the bacon was cooking and left Freddie to tend to everything for less than a minute

and he started a grease fire.

after he got it extinguished he kinda just stood there waiting for you

meanwhile chat was exploding with panic and laughter

"Hey, y/n, I don't think we're having bacon tonight!"

"What the fuck happened???"

luckily no damage to anything other than the meat

the rest of it was really good though, and the stream had enough action for tonight 💀💀

NIKI NIHACHU

you guys were making cupcakes

you dropped like two eggs 💀💀💀 so while she was getting new ones you were cleaning up all the eggshell fragments and the insides

you got the camera to show stream your fucking mess and someone sent a dono saying "butterfingers ass"

the cackling after that 💀

you're able to get them into the oven though

and while you're waiting for them to cook, you watch dance moms and discuss everything wrong with it

commentary youtubers? I hardly know them

she begins making the icing while you pull the cupcakes out to let them cool

10/10 cupcakes they're amazing

you guys had a pride flag theme so lmao

ALEX QUACKITY

you were supposed to be making pancakes as a little challenge

his are literally raw and he put chocolate chips from the freezer straight in them

"that banana isn't gonna help anything"

"how do you know that??"

flour is everywhere. it looks like a war started

you put to much non-stick spray on the skillet and started a little fire

but Alex to the rescue dw

he couldn't even figure out how to use it and almost sprayed himself in the face!

goes on Twitter later to update that your kitchen was completely fine but the underneath of your microwave is a tiny bit melted

you blame him every time after that 💀💀

"my microwave melted a bit because you don't know how to use a fire extinguisher!"

"youre the one who used too much spray!"

chat always sides with you, too 😭😭

FOOLISH GAMERS

you thought making fried rice was a good idea? wrong

he literally has no idea what's happening

"can you make the scrambled eggs for me while I tend to the vegetables?"

"how many?"

"they're literally on the cabinet"

chat clipping every single funny moment too

"is the rice cooker even on? holy shit you left it on warm"

"I thought that meant it was on!"

"dude you've used this thing before, how long did it take for you to cook it?"

"like, forever"

"oh my god"

fried rice 10/10

he's complaining about the vegetables like he didn't have like two hours to say something about different veggies

#lowkeyrobin #mcyt x reader #mcyt preferences #mcyt oneshot #tommyinnit x reader #ranboo x reader #quackity x reader #badlinu x reader #freddie badlinu x reader #niki nihachu x reader #nihachu x reader #foolish gamers x reader #tubbo x reader

[bambirex]

Tell It With Your Heart

Pairing: Geraskier

Characters: Jaskier/Dandelion, Geralt of Rivia

Additional tags: fluff, tooth-rotting fluff, acts of kindness, soft Geralt of Rivia, soft Jaskier/Dandelion, getting together, domestic fluff, friends to lovers

Word count: 2,504

Chapters: 1/1

Summary: While Jaskier always says what's on his mind, Geralt works a little differently. That doesn't mean he cannot tell Jaskier how he feels - he just does that without words.

Author's notes: for @wren-of-the-woods!! Wren, dear, we've talked so much about the different love languages the Witcher characters would have, and we both agreed Geralt's would be acts of service, so I had to gift this to you! I hope you'll like it, thank you so much for brainstorming with me ❤️

It's really nice finally being back with some fluff! There's a scene that might be familiar to some as it's directly taken from the Spirit cartoon hehe

Read on Ao3

**

Geralt wasn't a man of many words, Jaskier was well aware of that. For the first few months that they've spent traveling together, Jaskier was mostly met with grunts and an awful lot of "hm"s, and if Geralt has graced him with a sentence consisting of more than three words, Jaskier was practically over the moon.

It wasn't because he was dumb as many people believed witchers to be: Geralt was very intelligent, he was just simply very closed-off. He had many walls pulled up around his heart, protecting him from the harshness of the world. Armor on his body and on his soul, Jaskier mused about it one day.

It took a while for Jaskier to understand Geralt. The bard was very talkative, has been that way all his life: he's talked his way out of the worst situations, has seduced his lovers with his kind words, and has made himself a name with his poetry. For him, it was hard to imagine there were ways to talk without using words, until he met Geralt.

That was why he needed some time to put the pieces together after the first time Geralt has returned with two rabbits dangling over his shoulders one day.

It was a couple of months after Jaskier's joined Geralt on the path. Money was scarce, and so the food was too, and Jaskier may have complained a little about being hungry. Geralt has growled at him that if he wanted to eat, he was more than welcome to go and find food for himself. Jaskier decided it was wiser if he didn't do that on his own.

When Geralt told him to stay in one place while he disappeared into the woods, Jaskier was sure Geralt has left him behind. He cursed himself for being so stupid to whine about being hungry while he knew right well that Geralt was working his ass off trying to gather enough for the both of them. Now he really did it, he annoyed Geralt to the point that he wouldn't come back for him.

But Geralt returned, with one tiny, scrawny rabbit and a large, fat one. He did not say a single word, he just sat down on a tree trunk and started skinning them. Jaskier stood there confused, anxiously rubbing his fingers together while Geralt got to cooking the meat.

Once he was done, he handed Jaskier the much bigger rabbit. It smelled deliciously, and Jaskier noticed that Geralt cooked his rabbit so much better than his own, Jaskier's meat being pink and juicy, while Geralt's looking bony and half raw.

"We can share mine, I won't be able to eat all of this anyway," Jaskier offered. Geralt shook his head, not even looking up as he started tearing at his own food.

"You need it more than me," was all he said. Jaskier tried a couple more times, but Geralt refused his offer.

"Thank you," Jaskier said softly when they were done eating. His stomach was full, and he felt warm and comfortable. Maybe it was the post-lunch daze that made him see things that weren't there, but it seemed like Geralt looked satisfied as he watched Jaskier rest a hand on his full belly.

*

The night was cold, possibly the coldest all winter. They were refused from every single inn. Things seemed more hopeless than ever, and the night was slowly creeping up on them. Jaskier pulled his furs tighter around his body, his teeth chattering loudly as they wandered around, trying to find a place to rest.

They eventually found a tiny stable. It was an old, ragged building, not very warm and the hay was dusty and dry, but it was better than nothing.

Geralt placed both their blankets over the hay, then gestured at Jaskier to lie down on them. Jaskier raised an eyebrow in question.

"What about you?"

"Lie down, Jaskier."

Jaskier did, but his confusion remained as Geralt took his own fur off and laid it over him.

"Geralt, you're going to be cold," Jaskier protested. He tried to hand the fur back, but Geralt threw it back at him.

"Burrow in," Geralt said. He leaned down and wrapped the furs around Jaskier as tight as he could, cocooning him until he was as warm as he could be. "It's only going to get colder. I'll be okay."

"Geralt," Jaskier sighed, "please. I don't want you to freeze to death. At least... come a little closer, then?"

Jaskier could swear he saw a hint of a blush on Geralt's cheeks. The witcher hesitated for a moment before he lay next to Jaskier, shifting close enough that their sides touched.

It was the best sleep Jaskier has gotten in weeks. He felt safe and warm against Geralt's side, who seemed to have shifted even closer to him during the night. Jaskier didn't mind, not even a little bit.

*

"Oh, this is really pretty," Jaskier sighed dreamily, "very lovely."

"It would look marvelous on you," the vendor mused as he held up the necklace for Jaskier. The thin golden chain glimmered in the candlelight. The medallion, forming a tiny bird, dangled off the vendor's hand.

"That's so kind of you to say, but it's a bit expensive," Jaskier sighed. He fell in love with that necklace the second he's laid his eyes on it, but they weren't here to buy jewelry with the small amount of coins they had. Geralt was browsing the shelves for the necessary supplies they needed for the path. He had his back to Jaskier, but Jaskier was sure he was rolling his eyes over Jaskier's ridiculous love for pretty jewelry.

Jaskier tried not to show his disappointment when they left the shop. He stared down at his boots and bit his lip, imagining how that necklace would have looked on him.

They barely even made a few meters when Geralt abruptly turned around.

"I forgot something," he said, all but storming back in the shop.

He was back soon, holding a tiny bag in his hand. Jaskier eyed it curiously.

"What is it? Something for Roach?"

Geralt cleared his throat a little awkwardly before he squeezed out a "no". Then, he gave the bag to Jaskier.

"It's mine?"

"It's yours."

"Well, that should be interesting," Jaskier chuckled softly as he peeled the bag open. He let out a loud gasp when he saw what was inside.

"Geralt..." Jaskier whispered, his throat constricting around the words. "You shouldn't have..."

"I know you liked it," Geralt replied. He didn't look at Jaskier, instead stared at a small rock on the ground. He kicked it, watching it roll away as if it was the most interesting thing he has ever seen. "So, there."

Jaskier suddenly didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted to run back to the shop and give it back, he wanted to berate Geralt for spending so much on something so useless, but he also wanted to sob and throw himself into Geralt's arms.

He did the latter, clutching Geralt so hard that the witcher let out a surprised huff. Jaskier buried his face in Geralt's neck, his eyes welling up with tears.

"I don't know why you're being so kind to me," Jaskier whispered, "you shouldn't have to do all this for me."

"I should," Geralt said. He brought up a hand and placed it onto Jaskier's back, a slightly awkward but very endearing attempt at a hug. "You're welcome."

*

Jaskier sat in the grass, scribbling in his notebook while Geralt sat next to him, working on his bestiary. It was a nice and comfortable way to spend time together: just being close to each other, both working on their own thing while not having to be alone. As years have passed, Jaskier has learned to appreciate these moments. He used to think of them as boring, awkward silence, but now he understood just how precious it was to be together like this.

He glanced over at Geralt. The witcher was deeply lost in his thoughts, a furrow between his brows, his face half-covered by his hair. Jaskier felt his heart flutter just looking at him.

Geralt must have sensed he was staring, because he looked up, shooting Jaskier a questioning look. Jaskier quickly looked away, redirecting his eyes upwards to the tree above them and pretending like he hasn't been staring at Geralt for the past few minutes- and the past decade, really.

He spotted a beautifully ripe apple on one of the branches above him. It was harsh red and perfectly round. Jaskier could imagine the taste of it on his tongue.

"When I was young," he started, speaking more to himself than Geralt, "I would always pick at fruits while I was working on a song. I would lie belly down on the grass, scribbling with one hand and stuffing my face with the other."

"Did it help you create better?"

"I don't know. It was a nice habit. And at least I didn't forget to eat while I was writing. I tend to do that."

"I know," there was an almost soft tone to Geralt's voice. It made Jaskier smile.

Jaskier peered up at the apple again. It sat on a high branch, and there was no way Jaskier would have reached it, even if he jumped for it. He decided he'd rather just wait until a fruit fell on the ground.

He picked up his notebook again. He didn't manage to write the next sentence down, because from the corner of his eye, he saw a quick movement that made him look up.

Jaskier's jaw dropped when he saw Geralt jumping up so high, it looked like he was practically flying. Taking good advantage of his advanced strength and reflexes, Geralt grabbed the apple from the branch before he landed again on the ground with a soft thud.

He opened his palm and showed the apple to Jaskier, making him snort.

"Way to humiliate me, Geralt," Jaskier rolled his eyes, "I'm sorry I can't fly. I didn't even know witchers could do that. Eh. Show-off."

"No," Geralt reached out again. "I got it for you."

"For me?" Jaskier whispered in awe. He stared at the apple in Geralt's hand, then up at Geralt. He blinked at him in surprise. Geralt hummed.

"Do you not want it?"

"I do," Jaskier replied. The muscles in his face ached as his lips curled into a wide smile. His heart swelled so big in his chest, he was worried it would burst. "But only if I can share it with you."

"Alright," Geralt concluded. His own lips twitched into a smile as he reached into his satchel, looking for a dagger.

Their knees touched as they sat, passing apple slices between each other. Once again, Jaskier found it hard to look at anywhere but Geralt's face, that lovely face that looked so content now, Jaskier wished he could kiss it.

*

The years have officially caught up to Jaskier. He wasn't old, not by any means, but he wasn't exactly young either. He started to tire out easier, his legs aching after having to walk so long. His joints often creaked and popped when he stood up, and to his absolute horror, he even noticed a gray hair at his temple.

"I don't mean to complain... well, I kind of do. I know it must be hard being a witcher but at least your lower back doesn't try to kill you if you sit a little weird for a few minutes!"

Jaskier groaned as he sunk into the water. The warmth felt heavenly for his tired bones, his cramping muscles easing up slowly as he leaned back in the tub. He rested his head against the edge, letting out a big sigh.

"And I'm only thirty-five!"

"You're thirty-eight, Jaskier."

"It's awfully rude to bring up a lady's age, Geralt!"

"You brought it up first. And you're not a lady."

"No, I'm an old man," Jaskier whined pathetically, closing his eyes. "I'm withering away."

His eyes snapped open again when he felt a touch against his shoulder. He twisted around to see Geralt standing behind the tub.

"Relax," Geralt told him. Before Jaskier could ask what he meant, Geralt pressed his thumb into a sore spot gently, making Jaskier keen in his throat.

"Heavens," he sighed, "this is incredible."

Geralt hummed, a pleased little sound. He ground the heel of his hand into the knots in the back of Jaskier's neck, drawing content little noises out of him.

Jaskier couldn't help but grin when he smelled the chamomile oil. He wanted to make a joke about the tables turning, but he could only manage a blissful moan when Geralt massaged the oil into his skin.

"You know, you do an awful lot of things for me," Jaskier pointed out. "You take care of me a lot."

"You take care of me as well."

"Yes, but it's different for you, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've been thinking," Jaskier admitted. He let out another happy sigh as Geralt rubbed over his shoulder. "I had a lot of time to do that in the past fifteen years or so. You're not very talkative. Sometimes, when you're in the right mood, you talk a bit more. But even then, not as much as me."

Jaskier could hear the grin in Geralt's voice when he said "No one can talk as much as you."

Jaskier snorted. "Alright, maybe the comparison is a little unfair. But my point is, I've told you many times that I love you. You just never seemed to hear me. And I was wondering if it was because you didn't want to hear it, or because your way of telling me is much different."

Geralt's hands stilled. Jaskier turned back, glaring up into amber eyes.

"You're doing all of this for me, buying me things, feeding me, spoiling me, because you don't know how else to tell me."

He reached for Geralt's hand. He smiled when Geralt - even though a little tentatively - laced their fingers together.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to understand your language," Jaskier said softly, "but I get it now. I mean... I get it, right? Oh, gods, it would be very awkward if I misinterpreted this and..."

He didn't get to finish his rambling as Geralt pressed their lips together, his hand still holding Jaskier's. Jaskier felt like melting into the warm water as Geralt kissed him, a little too careful for Jaskier's taste, but so perfectly like no one else could.

"Are you happy?" Geralt asked as he pulled back. Jaskier definitely didn't just imagine the flush on his cheeks this time.

"Very," Jaskier grinned. He kissed the back of Geralt's hand, holding it against his cheek for a moment. "I love you."

Geralt leaned down to kiss him again, carding his fingers through Jaskier's damp hair. Very quietly, very gently, he said the same thing against Jaskier's lips.

#geraskier #the witcher fanfiction #the witcher fic #my fic #geraskier fanfiction #geraskier fic #jaskier #geralt of rivia #geralt x jaskier

[strawbs-screaming]

random punch out ramblings because fuck you

you heard me

- narcis speaks like the average british stereotype and has a light voice for his age, he keeps getting bullied recklessly over it, people can barely understand what he says

- Macho Man gifted bald bull a necklace with a small bell on it so when hes ready to go apeshit so anyone who pisses him off knows their que to run away, hes now trying to convince him to pierce his ears to gift him earings with bells

- Glass Joe once ate raw dough and felt his soul physically exit him, he has the bread version of chicken anxiety (?) now (its what happens when you get paranoid after getting salmonella from a chicken and check every piece you eat)

- Aran climbs on stuff for no reason when hes bored and hides in dumb places to grab ankles and spook people

- bald bull actually has his nose pierced, he just doesnt wear it in fights because hes smart and doesnt want to injure his nose

- von kaiser sometimes reads little mac bedtime stories when he struggles to sleep and doc is asleep or doesnt have enough energy to get up,

- Disco kid And king Hippo go partying on weekends, often ending up wrecked

- don flamenco once got caught eating an entire ass head of lettuce while he was staying over at piston hondo's, hondo is still scared

- piston hondo has cried while watching madoka magica multiple times, no matter how many times he rewatches it (no spoilers for you all im kind)

- bear hugger eats raw meat & veggies, he once DEVOURED an entire ass raw steak in front of everyone, food poisoning fears him

- bald bull and macho man have a frenemy thing going on, they beat the shit out of each other, sometimes Macho wins, sometimes bull wins, sometimes they have to run from sandman because hes done with their shit, they'll curse each other out but they will not let anyone else talk shit about each other

- Aran has been caught listening cotton eye joe multiple times and will not admit it, we know what we heard, aran

- great tiger takes advantage of his clones a lot, he has court trials with himself, acts out fake scenarios with himself and has dinner with himself when he feels lonely, his clones personalities of their own along with a lot of sass attitude, he'll ask a clone to bring him snacks and his clone will be like "get off your ass and get it yourself idiot"

- piston hondo & bald bull are good at math and used to tutor Mac until they both got so pissed off at him while trying to help him do his homework and he cried, after he got diagnosed with dyscalculia they felt bad for him and apologized

#punch out #headcanon #punch out wii #punch out headcanons #bald bull #don flamenco #piston hondo #aran ryan #glass joe #great tiger #narcis prince #no star symbols because im not doing that with a title like that #me when i bully a character for the 2763829272926280292829727282992029829272727th time and laugh my ass off

[legacyshenanigans]

Ok, Kiwi's gogogoch.

I NEED Rowan in love Headcannons...

Like totally crazy for someone.

Like "Oh, you want to collar me and put a leash on me in my lycan form and walk me around like a dog? Whatever makes you happy boo." and "Oh, you wish to pet my lycan form? Yeah sure, let me lay my head on your lap."

Also his response to stupid ass questions asked by them like "Does your wolf have a different name?"

"Can you hear your wolf talking in your head like a different person?"

I NEED headcannons of big bad wolf man being a simp for his s.o!

Thanksss 🐍 Love ya!

Ooooh OK some Rowan HC questions! 😊 sure I can answer the ones you've asked 🙂Mind if I throw in some other random ones too while I'm at it though? 💚

Rowan HC's 🐺

If Rowan loves you, most things go, and he'd probably actually like you putting a collar on him and walking him around, but in a sexual kink kinda way and in HUMAN form, not in wolf form.

In wolf form, he would really enjoy scratches and pets from the person he loves, But ONLY you, nobody else he'd EVER let. He'd also fully allow scratches and pets in his human form from you, he still struggles at times differentiating between his more feral side and human side.

In your question involving "stupid ass questions," things like that would probably really confuse Rowan with him not being the brightest, hahaha.

MC: Does your wolf side have a different name?

Rowan: Huh?

MC: Like, is the wolf in you like a different person?

Rowan: ...What? No? I AM the wolf, what do you mean?

MC: Yeah but like, is it different?

Rowan: (?????)....I'm confused!? What do you mean?! *frowns*

🤣🤣

Other random mix of HC's 🐺

Rowan can be a big dumb dumb and doesn't know his own strength. Cuddles are more like death grips, and he doesn't even realise until you're tapping him aggressively because you can't breathe lmao.

He's also fiercely protective over the person he loves, similar to Volo, he'll kill anyone in an instant who upsets you, even if its the smallest thing, but it's not going to be a pretty sight.

Rowans' diet is pretty extreme. He eats A LOT in one day, usually meat, and he likes it raw. Watching him eat also isn't the prettiest sight, man eats like a fucking wild animal (obviously)

Rowan CAN look very charming in his human form, especially when he cleans himself up a little, but he's not a charming person to be honest. 🤣

If Rowan gets home from being out in a rain, you'll know about it. He unfortunately smells like wet dog when he gets wet, even in human form.

He's a growler, in the bedroom, and in general, if he hears a noise in the middle of the night, he'll let out a little growl

Man's hairy, and he's not gonna shave for you. There would be NO point because it would grow back SUPER quickly.

Although Rowan has extremely good control of his form when it comes to changing and his emotions, if something pisses him off enough or if he gets TOO overwhelmed by something, he WILL transform in and instant, even though he won't mean to.

~

#my ocs #rowan the wolf #hogwarts legacy oc

[wakamotogarou]

St. Christopher, The Christbearer

Dog-man, Cynocephali Saint, christened by baby Jesus after helping him cross a river.

The Dogheaded people

They were seen by conquerors, explorers, evangelists and described in detail. Alexander the Great, Marco Polo, St. Augustine, Christopher Columbus all described these creatures. You also have Anubis the Egyptian god and St.Christopher who was converted to Catholicism and achieved Saint-hood by helping believers cross a river.

There were letters corresponding with the Vatican on whether or not these dog headed men could be saved or not. The Catholic church was not surprised and simply asked if their eyes were on the front of their heads or on the sides. Apparently dog headed men were nothing new to cultures around the world.

'Ratramnus’s Epistola de Cynocephalis, is a letter written concerning if dog headed men could be saved. The response was yes based on the evidence that they showed the ability to have free will; they wore clothes, kept animals, had relationships, and obeyed laws etc. So they could choose salvation and therefore could be worth ministering to.

( Canaanites = canines, described as cannibals and great fighters who did detestable things.)

In Tibet there was recorded history of over 200,000 living in a village. They lived in Parts of India along the Mountain Range, there are traces of them in the Celtic lands they lived in Ireland.

St. Christopher is the patron saint for travelers. Dog-headed people often have acted as guides, ferries and Shepards. I will cover this in a future post, which will feature Xolotl and Aztec Gods, including Anubis!

Canines are interwoven into human history.

On these mountains there live men with the head of a dog, whose clothing is the skin of wild beasts. They speak no language, but bark like dogs, and in this manner make themselves understood by each other. Their teeth are larger than those of dogs, their nails like those of these animals, but longer and rounder. They inhabit the mountains as far as the river Indus. Their complexion is swarthy. They are extremely just, like the rest of the Indians with whom they associate.  They understand the Indian language but are unable to converse, only barking or making signs with their hands and fingers by way of reply, like the deaf and dumb. They are called by the Indians Calystrii, in Greek Cynocephali (“dog-headed “). [They live on raw meat.] They number about 120,000.  Near the sources of this river1 grows a purple flower, from which is obtained a purple dye, as good in quality as the Greek and of an even more brilliant hue. In the same district there is an animal about the size of a beetle, red as cinnabar, with very long feet, and a body as soft as that of a worm. It breeds on the trees which produce amber, eats their fruit and kills them, as the woodlouse destroys the vines in Greece. The Indians crush these insects and use them for dyeing their robes and tunics and anything else they wish. The Cynocephali living on the mountains do not practice any trade but live by hunting. When they have killed an animal they roast it in the sun. They also rear numbers of sheep, goats, and asses, drinking the milk of the sheep and whey made from it. They eat the fruit of the Siptakhora, whence amber is procured, since it is sweet. They also dry it and keep it in baskets, as the Greeks keep their dried grapes. They make rafts which they load with this fruit together with well-cleaned purple flowers and 260 talents of amber, with the same quantity of the purple dye, and 1000 additional talents of amber, which they send annually to the king of India. They exchange the rest for bread, flour, and cotton stuffs with the Indians, from whom they also buy swords for hunting wild beasts, bows, and arrows, being very skillful in drawing the bow and hurling the spear. They cannot be defeated in war, since they inhabit lofty and inaccessible mountains. Every five years the king sends them a present of 300,000 bows, as many spears, 120,000 shields, and 50,000 swords. They do not live in houses, but in caves. They set out for the chase with bows and spears, and as they are very swift of foot, they pursue and soon overtake their quarry. The women have a bath once a month; the men do not have a bath at all, but only wash their hands. They anoint themselves three times a month with oil made from milk and wipe themselves with skins. The clothes of men and women alike are not skins with the hair on, but skins tanned and very fine. The richest wear linen clothes, but they are few in number. They have no beds, but sleep on leaves or grass. He who possesses the greatest number of sheep is considered the richest, and so in regard to their other possessions. All, both men and women, have tails above their hips, like dogs, but longer and more hairy. They are just, and live longer than any other men, 170, sometimes 200 years (Ctesias, “Indica”, from Photius I).

#St. Christopher #Cynocephali #Dog-headed man #true history

[undertale-writing-times]

🎄+ 💋  Butcher, if that's alright?

Yeah, for sure! I hope you like this :3

These are fun but also a little hard to do sometimes lol

Your name was Y/n, and you were Butcher's datemate.

Being their datemate wasn't the… easiest thing in the world, to be honest. Sure, they were really sweet and cute! If you were hungry, or even remotely acted like you were hungry, they'd go to get you food and if you told them that you needed help, they might tease a little, but they would help you out.

The hard things that you needed to do was just to follow the rules that they gave you. The biggest one was just to warn them if you were going to be bringing home raw meat, and really, the nicest thing to do was just don't bring home raw meat.

For them both, it brings up bad memories. Snackers ate fake meat now while Butcher just couldn't really eat. They had to have a special thing to help them with their inability to eat and all that.

The other thing is that if you were going to be bringing home a friend, you needed to warn them. Mostly Butcher. They had a hard time trusting people and they would smell the new scent and be freaked out and worried that the random new scent belonged to someone that would come to try to hurt them.

Butcher was trying to get better with that…

Anyway! It was nearing Christmas and the three of you were doing a lot of things to prepare. Snackers left to go to the store to get things that they needed while Butcher was in the kitchen, making some of the food that they liked to make.

Snackers knew that he wasn't good at cooking anymore… honestly, he was never good at cooking. It was something that he knew well. Coo‌king didn't bring as much as a happy feeling anymore as it used to. He has no idea why but he decided to go and do other things! Things that he could have fun with.

You reach up putting up another sparkly thing on the roof when you heard a noise, so you turned your head and saw that it was your datemate! Butcher was watching, their head tilted to the side slightly.

"Oh hey Butcher, what's up? You need something?" They shake their head at the question, so you smile and reach up to place another one. "You know you could be helping me out, you're tall enough to where you don't even need one of these" you meant the stool.

They laugh at that and instead, they wrap one of their arms around your waist and nuzzle into your neck. You tilt your head to give them the room, petting the top of their skull.

"Ass" You mumble. They squeeze you gently then you see movement out of the corner of your eyes, and when you looked, you saw that plant. "Butcher, really?" You ask, laughing softly.

They look at you with a big dumb grin, tilting their head to the side. They lean forward and kisses you the best that they could, they didn't have their lower jaw which made it hard but... they did it the best that they could.

You chuckle turning to face them, hugging them closer.

At least the stool made this easier to do!

#Butcher #Butcher X Reader #Reader X Butcher #Horrorswap #Horrorswap Papyrus #undertale alternate universe #undertale alternate timeline #undertale ask blog #undertale imagines #undertale au #undertale headcanons

[mrmallard]

So my whole thing about Lightning being overhated in FF13 is over, but I still have very strong feelings about Hope. He's the youngest party member and his character arc in this game involves revenge against a character who might not actually deserve it - Hope's mother dies early in the game as a part of an armed rebellion, and he thinks that another person selfishly let her die to save his own skin, leading to him wanting to avenge his mother by killing the person he thinks let her die.

This has given Hope a bad reputation as a whiny kid with a dumb character motivation whose struggle throughout the game is based on a stupid misunderstanding which makes him grating.

When it comes to FF13 criticism, I feel like a lot of it is half-baked and reactionary. It was the Final Fantasy game that "killed" Final Fantasy - and it's a very flawed game, but a lot of the vitriol cuts off at a similar "rage bait" level where anything that paints the game in a bad light is championed as objective proof that the game is terrible, even if the game addresses it later on.

In my opinion, Hope is the heart of the team. The naming is on-the-nose to the point of parody; he's literally the team's sense of hope. But it doesn't change the course of his character arc past the point of revenge and into a strong, idealistic young man. But his earliest growing pains, where he wants to kill a guy for killing his mother and is even encouraged to pursue revenge as a means of cultivating strength, is what he's reduced to.

This isn't anything new, like with Shinji Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion being portrayed as a whiny emo who needs to nut up and save the world, or fellow JRPG kid Ken Amada who has a strikingly similar conflict in his character arc.

I feel like Gamers, at least the chud-ass archetype which hit critical mass with Gamergate, just don't like young characters with the weight of the world on their shoulders and who don't know how to cope because they're kids. No, the 12-14 year old boy just needs to eat raw meat until his nuts drop and learn to be loud and aggressive. Being confused and traumatised is a failure of character and character-writing. Be a man, goddamnit!

It's always been there - again, it affected Shinji from Evangelion, it affected Ken Amada from Persona 3, and it affected Hope from Final Fantasy 13. It misses the point of Shinji's story, and it ignores the strides that Ken and Hope make in their respective situations as well as the nuance that actually surrounds their circumstances.

I think Hope is a great character on his own. I like Shinji, and while Ken isn't as good as most of his surrounding cast members, I thought his arc was very good.

#final fantasy 13 #long post #I've had a few too many drinks to continue. i had a lot of emotions to let out so I did

[slasher-male-wife]

Random slasher headcannons

I got this idea from @skylarsblue please read theirs I love it so very much. Anyway enjoy this stupid list of stuff. Also it is way to late for me to be up but hey it’s summer baby. 

Billy Lenz

I know we all love dirty, greasy rat man Billy but what if he sneaks into like the sorority showers and like uses their fancy hair and skin care stuff. How else is his hair so perfectly fluffy

He would love to have painted nails but he could not sit still long enough to let them dry. I feel like he bites his nails too or at least chews on his fingers or stuff. 

Cat dad.

You know those things where like it’s just like “Fucking forg” in like flame letters and a picture of someone holding a frog behind it? Billy would love those. He loves the stupidist like most nonsensical humor ever. Like show him the thing where it says “Ohio burger” and everything on the burger is shaped like Texas and he will be dying for the next 20 minutes.

He will eat anything he can get his hands on. He’s like a baby in that way you know? Like he’ll look at like purfume and spray it in his mouth and just like like how it tastes. Keep him away from the air freshener.

He also has a very high tolerance for spice. He can drink an entire bottle of hot sauce in like 30 minutes max. 

He either has a high tolerance for caffeine or he’ll have a heart attack if he drinks a cup of coffee.

He has echolallia and probably mild autism. no this isn’t because I’m autistic, well maybe

Seems like he’ll like be ok with touch but it’s gonna take some time for him to actually be comfortable with touch

He will eat raw meat and not learn his lesson when he gets sick

Brahms Heelshire

Also a cat dad

Probably likes to knit things. Like he’ll have this big ass blanket he’s been working on for like a super long time. 

His parents forced him into the walls don’t @ me about this you know I’m right. 

He’s sensitive to food textures. Like if an apple has the wrong feel in his mouth he can’t eat it. 

His posture is so bad omfg. We’d be back pain buddies. He’d have an extra like two inches if he wasn’t hunched over all the time. 

He would love worm on a string. Like buy him one and he’ll play with it all the time.

He probably always wanted one of those porcelain faced dolls but he was too afraid to ask his parents.

He loves art history. Like he wants to collect paintings and he studies artists all the god damn time.

He likes to bake but he can’t do it on his own. He tried and it was a disaster.

Thomas Hewitt

I agree he is a metal head but he listens to Dolly Parten too. He’s a sweet country boy what do you expect.

Lowkey would love to have his nails painted black.

He’d be so confused if he got a hug. Like I mean the man’s never had one before.

He loves the smell of flowers. He’s around blood and meat so much he loves to just reset with a good floral scent. So can someone get this man some flowers?

If he was born into a different family he wouldn’t kill people. I just feel like that’s the case.

He’d love to have a big dog because I say so and I want a big dog.

He started to collect bones as a kid because he was just like really interested in.

I feel like he’d be good at taxidermy. Like if he got the proper tool and stuff he’d be good at it.

I don’t think he’s as dumb as the movie says he is. Like he hid in the car to get that girl, that was pretty smart.

Lester Sinclair

He collected bones as a kid. Probably always wanted to do something with preserving the dead. Definitely has some taxidermy he made in his house.

Out of all the brothers he is the most domestic. He’s good at cleaning and cooking and has to help Bo and Vincent clean up their house once a month.

I feel like Jonesy was a stray dog before Lester adopted her. He probably found her eating some road kill and was just like “I guess you’re my dog now.”

He’s a bit dense so it’ll take him a bit to realize you’re into him. But if you laugh at one of his stupid jokes he’ll really start to pick up on your flirting.

He makes bone jewelry. Like Texas chainsaw massacre style. He wears it when he’s not working and probably made some for his brothers.

I wrote about this before but there’s a lake he’ll visit when he wants to. Probably bring Jonesy and if he had an s/o or someone he’s interested in he’ll bring them there.

Poison ivy does nothing to this man. He’ll still get the rash and like the bumps but it’s not itchy. He has a high pain tolerance and like can get hit my a car and walk away ok. That’s a bit of an overstatement but it makes my point.

He’s polyamorous because I’m poly and I say so. So are Bo and Vincent fuck you

I got this idea from someone who’s @ I can’t remember but they talked about how Lester made the handle for his knife and Vincent’s and I totally agree. This man has a hobby and it’s making knife handles.

I feel like he would have seen a stray cat, left out food for it but a raccoon ate it instead and he just said “fuck it” and now he’s feeding a raccoon.

Loves to like hug and cuddle shit. His love language is physical touch and he will always let people know that. If no one is around and he needs to cuddle something he’ll chose Jonesy or a pillow, litterly anything he can get. 

Vincent Sinclair

He loves tea. Do I have a basis for this claim? No he just give me tea drinker vibes. 

I feel like he would have some sort of guilt for not helping Bo as a kid or something like that. Like he felt like he was the favored twin/ child. He would also feel bad for Lester cause I feel like he was sort of forgotten by their parents and Vincent and Bo kinda had to parent him.

He would love to watch ballet. Like he loves the costumes and the dances and would probably adore drawing/sculpting something so graceful. 

If his hands weren’t always covered in wax he’d paint his nails black. I just feel like he would like the way it looks. 

He probably learned a lot about medicine from his dad and takes care of his brothers when they get sick or they need help. I saw how he tried to go back and take that arrow out. 

His mask is a comfort item of sorts. Like he rarely takes it off and if he does it’s usually when he’s alone. 

He would love to put his hair up but Bo won’t let him have hair ties because of how they remind him of the straps on his chair in a way. We know he kinda takes his trauma out on his victims but seeing that happen to his brother is too much. Same goes for his partner. 

If he’s in the mood he’ll listen to metal music. He’s kinda a metal head but not super hard core into it. 

He has to do some kind of like work out to keep his body as giant and beautiful as it is. I feel like he’ll go in the woods and work out there and stuff. Probably gets some meat from Lester too if he runs out. 

Would be good at origami. Like he’s good with his hands and would be great with making things.

His knives were a gift from Lester when they first started remaking Ambrose together. 

Bo Sinclair

The man doesn’t have anger issues he’s just a bitch. 

He’s a himbo and I love him for that.

If anyone tried to mess with his brothers growing up he would beat them fuck up. Talk shit about his family? Boom you’re getting decked by him. Don’t say shit about his family. 

He’s pan because I want him to love me and he’s got that kinda vibe. Also I want him to love me. 

He thinks who vape are pussies. “Just smoke a god damn cigarette like a normal person.” 

He got into cars as an escape of some kind in his childhood. Like I just feel like it. 

He has a skincare routine that if anyone found out about he’d kill them. 

He can sing like one of those dudes from the 50′s. He does it by himself but he like can. 

He’s a liquor man not a beer man. Well like he prefers liquor. 

Bubba Sawyer 

HE IS GENDERFLUID END OF DISCUSSION

He has a few dresses he wears when he’s alone and makeup he puts on some of his masks. 

He’s closest to Nubbins. He’s the nicest brother to him and he hugs him often.

 He likes soft calming music. Something to sooth him after all the screaming and abuse he gets on a daily basis

Loves to bake when he can. He likes feeling domestic and stuff. 

Never went to a formal school and his brothers had to constantly stand up for him and make sure he was ok. 

He has an emotional support chicken he keeps at the house. 

Probably good at taxidermy but doesn’t do it like correctly. Like he doesn’t use the right stand he just stuffs with with stuffing basically making it a glorified stuffed animal.

Michael Myers

He finds scaring people so fucking funny. Like you know he was laughing with that ghost shit.

He really likes sweet shit. He’s scare a kid just to steal their halloween candy.

My explanation for how the og Michael is a tank while he’s looks like an average 5’11 dude is that he was kind of experimented on while at Smithsgrove.

He has a high tolerance for alcohol. Like drinking a third of a bottle of vodka would get him tipsy.

RZ Michael Myers started to make masks as a coping mechanism and it just evolved from there.

His hand writing is like really sharp. Like someone trying to be edgy is his handwriting.

He can’t grow facial hair. He was in that asylum for what 15 years and nothing. He couldn’t shave while he was there so he just can’t grow any.

Can eat raw meat and be fine. The man would do it on purpose to like bulk up.

He has low iron levels and that’s why he doesn’t run.

The reason the og targeted mostly teenage girls was because his first kill was his teenage sister so it’s kinda like that.

Og likes classical music RZ likes metal music.

#slashers #slasher #horror #michael myers #thomas hewitt #bubba sawyer #bo sinclair #vincent sinclair #lester sinclair #billy lenz #Brahms heelshire #brahms my beloved #sinclair brothers #halloween #texas chainsaw the beginning #texas chainsaw massacre #tcm #black christmas

[cuuno-moved]

FROM THE DIARY OF KARL JACOBS:

Your name is Karl Jacobs.

That is very important. You cannot forget that.

You have two husbands, named Alex and Sapnap Jacobs.

Alex goes by Quackity, or Q, sometimes. He calls you mi amor (my love) and mi vida (my life). You call him darling and sunshine. He’s the smaller one, with the messy dark hair and brown skin. He wears a hat all the time, and has an eyepatch.

Sapnap calls you froggy, and sugar. You call him panda and cupcake. He’s the big one, with the shoulder length hair (usually in a man-bun), earrings and eyebrow slit. He looks a little bit mean, but he’s the sweetest guy on earth.

You live in a big house, with a red door.

If Sapnap brings home a cat, let him keep it.

If either finds a spider, you’ll have to kill it.

DO NOT TOUCH QUACKITY WITHOUT WARNING ESPECIALLY ON THE HIPS OR SHOULDERS.

Remember to water the plants.

You wash the dishes on Fridays.

If Quackity has a panic attack, sit beside him, hug him, and rub his back.

If Sapnap has a panic attack, move away, sit with your back to the opposite wall and talk to him.

If you have a panic attack, don’t let them know, press your hands to your chest and count the breaths. Sometimes it helps to list things you can see in your head.

The code to the security system is 1144.

You sleep in the middle, with Alex on the left and Sapnap on the right. If Sapnap snores, try to roll him on his back. If Quackity starts sleep talking, record it to laugh about later.

You always wear bright colors. Do not try to wear black or grey, they will get worried. Do not wear white, they will be confused.

If you have a headache, you’re probably having caffeine withdrawal, get a Monster energy from the fridge. You like the white ones most.

Take your meds. You have two, one for adhd and one for anxiety. Take one of each in the morning. Sapnap has meds too, remind him to take them.

Quackity puts cheese in his hot chocolate. Feel free to call it gross, because it is.

If he calls you ‘honey buns’, respond with ‘baby birdie’.

If Sapnap makes jokes about being stupid, tell him to stop. He’s really really smart.

The popcorn is in the cabinet with the seasonings.

Sapnap smokes. Don’t let him know that you know.

Ranboo comes over sometimes, let him have your usual chair. He likes to listen, do not try to pull him into the conversation.

Sapnap’s kale salad is really bad, don’t eat it.

THINGS NOT TO MENTION OR SAY:

Do not call Quackity sweetcheeks. Do not comment on his appearance, especially his ass. Do not yell. Do not drink, or talk about drinking. Do not bring up Schlatt. Do not try to quiet him when he’s excited about something. Do not talk about hearts, or cannibalism, or raw meat.

Don’t say “Come here” to Sapnap. Do not talk about Dream. Do not try to corner him. Do not go near ravines. Do not sing that stupid doo doo doo song that Dream listens to. Do not say “Oh come on” or try and get him to do things he doesn’t want to.

DO NOT LET THEM FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR MEMORY.

DO NOT LET THEM FIND THIS JOURNAL.

Other people: Callahan is the man with antlers. Alyssa is the girl with brown hair. Punz is the one with long white hair and white sweatshirt, their little brother Purpled wears a purple hoodie. Eret is the tall man in the crown with the blank eyes. Ponk is the short South African man with the black sweatshirt. Bad is the demon with the vines growing out of his skin. Ant is the cat. Sam is the green one, with the deep voice and solid black eyes. Vikk and Lazar don’t show up much, but Vikk is the British one, Lazar is the Australian. Connor is the one in the blue hoodie. Techno is the pig (DO NOT TALK TO HIM HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU). Phil is his coworker, the one with the green robes. Tubbo is the thin boy with all the scars. Jack is the one with the missing arm and broken glasses. Foolish is the Totem, he likes you. Charlie is the one with glasses and bad puns. George is the one with white rimmed sunglasses who hangs out with Sapnap a lot. Puffy is the short man with curly hair. Hannah is the one with flowers that grow out of her skin. Ranboo is the half enderman in the suit. Skeppy is the ruby. Niki is the girl with pink hair. Fundy is the fox. HBomb is the one in the flannel, he’s nice. Ghostbur is the ghost. Tommy is dead, do not talk about him.

If Callahan is staring at you, wave and smile. I don’t think he knows. Does he?

For the love of god, do not talk to Corpse. He is really observant, he will notice if you fuck up. IF he corners you, keep a straight face, excuse yourself. DON’T CALL HIM CATBOY. Calling him Crops is okay, he’ll think it’s a dumb nickname.

Fundy doesn’t like it when you bring up the grey in his hair. He’s 18, I don’t know where it came from, but it’s there.

Punz uses they/them, Eret uses all, Ranboo uses he/they/it, Puffy uses she/her

Ranboo is not Charles, or John, or the Butler. Do not make that mistake again. He has paranoia, it will send him into a spiral.

Foolish gets really excited about building. Let him talk. He doesn’t get the chance otherwise.

George is narcoleptic, Quackity makes jokes about it.

Ghostbur and Ranboo also have memory issues, do not bring that up, they will be suspicious. No, Ranboo will be suspicious, I don’t think Ghostbur will remember.

If Punz flirts with you, they’re probably trying to get under Sapnap’s skin. Flirt back if you want, but not too much. Sapnap gets jealous easily, do not be an asshole. Punz doesn’t actually like you romantically, and you obviously don’t actually like them.

If Purpled asks to borrow your stuff, say no, he’s not going to give it back.

Ponk sings sometimes, out of nowhere. Let him. Sing along, maybe, if you can.

Quackity flirts with Bad a lot.

Sapnap flirts with George a lot.

Quackity has wings, he might need help with preening. Just gently run your fingers through the feathers, try to get out any sort of debri or anything.

If your chest starts hurting, stretch your arms up, and out. You are either having a panic attack or you’ve been hunched over for too long.

If you see Puffy rubbing her chest, she needs to take off her binder. Remind her to do that, she will not remember otherwise.

If Tubbo makes you another bracelet, put it on the right, the left arm is for Foolish’ bracelets.

Keep your mind clear, and calm. Smile often, and laugh at Q’s jokes, even if they’re not funny. Try to act normal.

The timeline depends on it.

-KJ

#this is my first time posting my writing on tumblr please give me clout #karl jacobs #quackity #sapnap #karlnapity #dream smp #mcyt #tftsmp #toby writes shit

[datenightfright]

Michael myers, Jason Voorhees and literary any killer of your choice with a Y/n who is a undead zombie except she actually smarter than a zombie and is basically immortal

Michael Myers: Ok, Michael will DIE before he ever lets you know this, but he thinks you being a zombie is fucking AWESOME. Let me set the scene, ok? College town, right? Filled to the brim with dumb unsuspecting airheads going through the motions on behalf of their parents so they can live of their sweet ass trust funds for the rest of their lives. Ripe pickings for a flesh eater like you. Raw meat does it's thing enough for you to stay healthy and alive looking, but what it DOESN'T do is keep the hunter pangs away. A zombie's gotta do what a zombie's gotta do, yanno? This is where Michael meets you.

It's Halloween, because of COURSE it is, and you're at this frat party, looking for the dumbest victim you can find when all hell breaks lose. You aren't sure what's happening until you come face to face with Michael Myers himself. Before you can say "There goes my guts...again," He's stabbing you, digging his knife in deep. When you don't scream or, you know, drop dead or hell even BLEED, Michael stabs you again...and again...and again. "Hey Brain Dead!" You say, smacking his hand away after the fifth stab, "It's clear I'm not gonna die, ok? Can you get on with murdering someone else?" Michael is instantly hooked, and from then on, you were his.

It's convenient for Michael that you eat people. He kills them, you eat the corpses. Life is good for you two that way. You keep young and healthy and he gets to go on murderous rampages once every couple of months.

Jason Voorhees: Two peas in a pod you two are. Do I have another meet-cute? Oh you bet your asses I do. You two meet in the morgue...let me set this next scene.

You newly dead, and so is Jason...technically. You were a victim of a car crash, Jason was a victim of a shooting. This isn't the first time you two have been killed. So you're just chillin' out, you know, in a hibernation state, trying to heal up. The morgue techs are excited to have THE Jason Voorhees on the slab, so you get passed over in favor of him. They begin their cleaning and attempted dissection. Before they can do anything major, he pops up and stabs the techs in typical Jason fashion. The smell of blood awakens you and you give in to your baser desires. Popping up yourself, you manage to lurch off the table and to your dinner. Jason watches you fascinated.

Not really having anywhere to go, and being dead and all, you follow Jason around. You two become close, living out in the forest together all peaceful like until a new group of campers gets it in their head to fuck with your turf. Then and only then is it feeding time.

#michael myers #jason voorhees #halloween #friday the 13th #slasher imagine #ask answered

[greatbigbellies]

New commission for @wesoftupinhere of their nb vampire being overdue with orc triplets! Contains multiples pregnancy, physical discomfort, some belly rubs, and overall wholesomeness! Enjoy, and go check out their art!

20 days. Just short of three full weeks. THAT’S how many days overdue they were. They were technically warned about this before taking on the contract. “Orcs are stubborn, and slow to wake. You could end up with whole weeks of extra gestation time,” she’d said. If only the vampire had listened. Now, eight and a half, pushing nine, months pregnant with three rowdy orcs… they were regretting their decision. 

So they did as they’d been doing for the last three weeks: waddling down the candle lit corridors of their mansion. Waddle, waddle, waddle. The soft, burgundy slippers padded along the ornate rugs that lay on the ground, out of sight of the surrogate due to their own massive, oblong belly. 

They wore a matching, dark red robe and pants, all of which parted to reveal a pale, pregnant belly, blushing pink slightly around the bellybutton, due to the sheer pressure. Their hands held the ballooning sides of their tummy, giving a little much needed support. Orcs were, as expected, heavy creatures, and storing three in one’s womb made it hard to even walk. Still, they walked, pacing the halls in hopes that they would go into labor soon. 

The pains of the pregnancy had been dull and aching, as their body grew accustomed to its three large occupants. They’d been a surrogate before, so they knew the sharp, stabbing sensation of a contraction. This seemed to never come. Instead they woke up each evening, hungrier, rounder, and heavier than the day before.

They grew momentarily frustrated with their predicament, groaning loudly. They gripped the sides of their beach ball sized belly and jostled it up and down slightly. “Why won't you come out!?” they moaned. All this did was cause the orc babies and amniotic fluid to slosh around in their overfilled womb, and resulted in a sharp kick in the ribs for their trouble. They pressed their fingers into the top shelf of their belly and groaned again, “You’re right I’m sorry. You’re just… very late…” they sighed, and continued waddling.

They walked past a mirror hung from the wall, and saw… nothing. Because they were a vampire, and had no reflection. They knew what they’d see if they did though. A tired, overdue, disheveled pregnant vampire, with nothing to do but pace. Their long black hair was pulled back into a ponytail, but still managed to be messy, loose strands laying anywhere they wished. Their belly was massive, sticking out so far they could barely reach around to their own navel, which was popped. It, and the skin around it had a pinkish hue from being so overstretched. How much bigger could they possibly get?

They pushed their hands into their lower back to try to get it to pop, but no such luck. They sighed. They were so tired… and they’d already slept for 14 hours today… they felt their tummy rumble slightly, and knew it was feeding time. “I’m making my way to the dining hall!” they called out. “So by the time my slow pregnant ass gets there I’d really like to see some food on that table!” they yelled to anyone within earshot. They weren’t usually this demanding, but being so overdue had made them cranky. They huffed and set off, their waddling gait carrying them forward, one labored step at a time

About 10 minutes later, a drop of sweat rolling down their forehead, they waddled into the dining area to see one of their help staff, a very diminutive goblin in a smart little suit, placing a piece of raw, bleeding steak on the huge, ornate table. The vampire waddled up to and flopped heavily into the chair, causing it to creak beneath their increased weight. The goblin folded his arms behind his back, and nodded toward the plate. “The food you requested, master,” the surrogate had always liked this particular member of the wait staff. He was dutiful, took his work seriously, and didn’t have a malicious bone in his body. “Thank you,” said the vampire simply before taking a piece of red meat in his hands and biting into it. The taste of blood and raw red steak hit their tongue and instantly they felt better. It seemed like their mouth wasn’t big enough to handle the amount of food they wanted to eat.

“Where did we get this stuff?” they asked. The goblin tilted his head to the side in thought. “I-I’m not sure, master, I’ll have to ask the kitchen staff,” he replied. The vampire nodded between large bites. “Wherever it’s from, I want more of it. Probably the best tasting thing I’ve eaten in weeks,” they said. The goblin nodded. “The cooks have been trying to select things that you’re craving, master. T-they really do want to keep you happy,” said the well dressed goblin as he watched the surrogate’s belly. The orcs inside reacted to the incoming meat with a flurry of visible kicks, eliciting a groan from the vampire as they started on their second steak. 

“Ugh… they’re so active when I eat…” they said, to themselves as much as to their companion. The goblin looked up at their tired face sympathetically. “Awfully rambunctious for orges,” noted the goblin. “They’re orcs, and about as rambunctious as one would expect from orcs,” corrected the surrogate. The goblin nodded, then smiled wholesomely. “Orc babies are so cute,” he placed his index fingers at the edges of his mouth, mimicking tusks. “Their cute little tuskies are so dull and nubby!” they grinned. The vampire smiled weakly before taking another bite. Their dumb little baby tusks were actually really cute.

Their belly visibly distorted as one of the orcs rolled around inside them, causing them to wince. “Could you… y’know…” they gestured to their mammoth midriff. “What, master?” the goblin tilted his head again. The vampire sighed. “Could you… rub my belly please? It’s achy and my hands are full of food,” the goblin’s eyes widened at the request, but he simply nodded and stepped forward. He reached his gloved hands out to the huge belly that rested between the surrogate’s legs, bumping and nudging with movement. The goblinoid had never been this close to it before, and he took a moment to appreciate that he could probably fit inside of it if he curled up tightly enough. He very slowly and gingerly placed his hands on the front, lower hemisphere of the vampires pinkened belly, and rubbed little circles, applying the least amount of pressure possible. “Like this, master?”

They swallowed another bite and shook their head, a motion that the goblin couldn’t see past the belly. “Bigger circles, and a little more pressure. It’s a tummy, it’s not going to hurt you,” they sighed. The satin gloves felt amazing on their overstretched skin, but they needed a little more ‘oomph’ to stave off the ache of their muscles. The goblin’s open hands ran larger, slower circles, and he pushed slightly into the belly, causing the vampire to coo and lean back a little. “Yeah, like that. That’s nice,” 

They slowly chewed the last morsel of meat, and closed their eyes. The shredded strips of steak oozed slightly, coating their tongue in delectable blood. They swallowed and sighed, focusing on the sensation of a pair of small three fingered hands on their bare bump. The soft, cool satin fabric glided over the warm, firm skin of their underbelly, and applied just enough pressure to be relieving. The goblin paused when one of the baby orcs kicked directly into the palm of his hand. “Was that…?” he trailed off. “A foot,” they stated plainly.

The goblin nodded, and continued rubbing. A comfortable silence hung between the pair as the surrogate received the much needed pampering. Eventually the goblin spoke up again. “Is it… possible to hear the heartbeats?” he asked. The vampire thought for a moment, “Maybe. My midwife uses a stethoscope to listen, but you’re welcome to try,” they shrugged. The goblin smiled proudly, wiggling his large, green, pointed ears. “Us goblins have excellent hearing!” he wrapped his arms around the sides of the vampire’s belly and placed an ear next to their bellybutton. They closed their eyes and listened closely. The vampire smiled.

“I can hear them!” they exclaimed, before getting kicked in the face by one of the orcs. The surrogate placed a hand on the top shelf of their belly and smiled down at the little goblinoid. “What are your duties, little goblin?” they asked. The goblin released their tummy and took a few steps back, furrowing his brow in thought. “Well… sometimes I help in the kitchen with dishes… sometimes I’m bussing tables… I’m one of the wait staff when we have guests over! But… you haven’t had guests in a while…” he listed, trailing off. The vampire chuckled, “Yeah, I don’t really invite people over when I’m too big to entertain…” they patted their belly lightly.

The goblin nodded again. He was an avidly good listener. The vampire realized that, despite carrying three people with them at all times… they were lonely. They idly rubbed their tummy and looked down at the diminutive goblin, who stood with his hands folded behind his back, ready for another request. “Tell you what, if you help me up, and walk with me for a spell, you can have the rest of the night off,” they offered. The goblin grinned widely, “Okay!” he stepped forward and took the vampires hands. “Pull backward as hard as you can okay?” they instructed. “Won’t that hurt you? I’m very strong,” he warned. The surrogate blinked for a moment, then smiled again. “I’ll be okay,” they said, “On the count of three, okay? One… two… three,” the goblin gripped their hands tightly and pulled back, helping the overdue vampire get to their feet, they released his hands and stood upright, eliciting a cacophony of popping noises from their lower back.

“Ooph… okay, that was perfect, thank you,” they exhaled. The goblin flexed in his little suit, a truly adorable gesture. “Told you I was strong, master!” he said. The surrogate smiled, showing their sharp fangs. “Where are we walking to?” he asked. The vampire took one heavy-footed step, then another, toward the hall they’d come from. “Right now, we just walk. No destination in mind, just walking,” they sighed. The goblin nodded and fell into step next to them, having no trouble keeping up despite being so much smaller.

“I’ve seen you walking a lot lately. It seems like all you do is walk around and take breaks to eat. Are you worried about something?” he asked. “No, no…” they padded along, supporting the bloated sides of their belly. “Not worried, just tired. Walking will help the babies get ready to be born,” they explained. The goblin tilted his head to the side, “But you sleep so much! How could you be tired?” he said, quite candidly and meaning no offense. The vampire rolled their eyes, but couldn’t help being amused at the goblin’s honesty. “Well, being pregnant takes a lot of energy. Being pregnant with three takes more energy. And being pregnant with three rowdy, overdue orcs somehow takes even more,” they explained, holding up their tummy for emphasis.

The goblin looked at the vampire’s gigantic belly and understood. “Do you need me to rub it again?” he asked. “Maybe later… thank you though,” the pair fell into another comfortable silence. The surrogate vampire waddled along, their long legs carrying them forward with slow, heavy steps. The goblin, on the other hand, meandered along next to them, taking much quicker, smaller steps with his much shorter legs. The pair made their way into a hallway with large, bay windows, providing a panoramic view of the night sky. It was a full moon tonight, and the vampire found themselves thankful they weren’t carrying werewolves this time. They glanced down at their little goblin friend, who dutifully walked next to them, and felt a second wind hit at the thought of their companionship. Perhaps they didn’t have to feel so lonely while pacing these long, moonlit halls.

#not bellies #commissions #writing

[scary-lasagna]

ThanksKilling [Pt. IIII]

___ The creeps finally have a nice meal together ___

An hour later, and the dining hall was filled with scents of pumpkin, turkey, ham, roasted chicken, and lively lighting from the warm chandelier, it gave a sense of security to those peacefully chattering over their feast. A miracle was deemed that no one has killed each other yet, and everyone seemed to decently be getting along. Conversations overlapped each other, and there wasn't a singular conversation through the 30+ dining seats; Everyone seemed to be in their own ombre groups, talking over the table and calling down the lines of seats to their friends. 

"I still can't believe that Slender and Zalgo had a baby."

"We didn't conceive a child, Ben. Rake was made with pure magic and wishful thinking." Slender spoke over the chatter of the dining hall, and has been popping in and out of guest's conversations regularly. The being in question was weaving in and out of chairs, picking up table scrapes and nearly nicking fingers who dared to share their food despite the specially ordered cherries they beloved.

Words faded in and out as creeps exchanged bonds, well-wishes, and fond inside jokes everyone seemed to know of.

"Aw!~ Cmon, Jackie, no one's gonna judge you! Everyone eats rare steak now and then." Nina cooed with an encouraging shoulder pat, and the poor eyeless demon responded with a sigh and a poke at the raw meat on his blood-stained plate with upturned brows. Nina was encouraging, but maybe...he'll just save it for later. 

"And then he said 'I'm pickle rick'...funniest shit I ever saw." Silver merely stared politely at the blue jester, and wished BEN would drag him out of the god-forsaken conversation.

In the seats across from Silver and Candypop, BEN has reached his own dilemma, "Jeff, my hand's stuck in the turkey."

"You're a ghost, bro."

"Oh, yeah, haha." Ben popped his wrist-deep hand out of the turkey, offering a handful of stuffing to Jeff's plate.

"So," Kagekao hummed, smirking under his mask, "Who wants to talk about politics?"

A chorus of no's and 'fuck off's' erupted, excluding the agreement from Zalgo and Laughing Jack, who purely came to stir chaos among the creeps.

"You know Slender, I have to admit I extremely underestimated how this night would go." Zalgo set his utensil down, and wiped the blood off of his lips with a neatly folded napkin.

"Well, just let this be a lesson when trying to-"

"Please do me a favor and never invite me over again, this is incredibly boring and I have not seen a single death tonight."

"Would you like to experience one? Because I'll kick this turkey leg so far up your-"

"Mother! Oh, have I ever told you how much I love you?!" Splendor chimed in at the perfect time, and pressed a cheek to his mother's temple.

"Yeah, keep kissing ass for Christmas, Splen." Offender took a seat next to Jane, "Hello my favorite lesbian!"

"Don't ever refer to me like that again."

"What's wrong with lesbians?!" Jeff exclaimed, "They just like other girls, there's nothing wrong with that." The raven-haired man shrugged with sass, and took a bite of marshmallow-topped yam. It caught some attention, and even a disinterested Helen looked up from his chived-mashed potatoes.

"Jeffery, you dumb soulless bitch, I'm a lesbian." Jane placed a manicured hand over her heart.

"Well, congratulations, Jane, you're not as much of an asshole as I thought you were."

Jane paused for a moment and finally exhaled, dropping the conversation to return to her knife talk with Tim. 

"TiiiIIMM!! Can I have the 'tates please?" Toby reached across the table, teetering one of the candle holders in the process.

"Yeah, just don't set the table runner on fire." The brunette grumbled and handed over the glass bull of onion and chive flavored mash potatoes. The table runner would be better set on fire. It was far from returning to a smooth velvet, and the messy housemates have all left their lasting decorations on the poor piece of fabric. 

After the feast, the creeps retreated to their own circles to rest and digest the wide arrange of food that was presented to them. Some slept on each other, and some we're forced onto the floor by their friends after some calming gaming, art, or whatever those silly creeps like to do in their downtime.

Zalgo and Slender departed with a not-so-friendly handshake, although the king was extremely appreciative of the invite, even if he expressed mixed signals.

Toby had a peaceful sleep, wrapped up in a pile of jackets and blankets to ward away any brewing nightmares. And Jane decided to be kind enough and return Jeff's broken dog tag that fell off in a fit of laughter.

The Rake? Well, they snuggled close to Clockwork that night.

What matters is that they spent their well-meant time together, and no one had to do the dishes that night.

#god sorry i wrote this after eating and my brain ceased function #so i took a break #and whoops its 11pm #ITS A LIL LATE BUT ILL BE DAMNED ILL GO TO SLEEP BEFORE ITS POSTED #Im very tired haha #thankskilling #thanksgiving #creepypasta #creepypasta imagines #short story #jeff #jane #tim #zalgo #slender #holiday

[wormstacheangel]

What are the best episodes with Castiel to watch?

Hello! Sorry, this took me a while to answer but here you go! If I miss some it’s cause I don’t remember anything or I was just Bleh about it.

Castiel Epiosdes

4x01 ICONIC 

4x16 ICONIC

4x20 Jimmy is important to Cas and I love him. 

4x22 ICONIC Greenroom. Cas picks a side aka Dean.

5x03 Cas and Dean being friends! Gay panic is real my friends. 

5x04 THE END. “It's the end, baby. “

5x13 “Sam is my friend.” 

5x14 Cupid (He made a cameo video it was cute) and Cas eating raw meat off the floor.

5x16 “You son of a bitch! I believed in-” OWW

5x17 Drunk Cas.

5x18 At this point he’s just done with everything. So he just carves, YES CARVES, an angel banishing sigil into his own chest. He does not hesitate.

Season 6 is good for Cas because the whole time he’s apart of a civil war and is just a terrible liar.

6x06 I am trying not to make this list about Destiel but the scene where Cas pours Dean’s drink. 

6x10 Pizza Man.

6x19 Baby in a trenchcoat aka leader of the heaven rebellion but sure Dean. He’s just cute. 

6x20 ICONIC 

6x21& 22 Both show that Cas is slowly realizing that he is not in control. 

7x01 The whole episode is wild but Cas just going to heaven and saying I’m Daddy now really takes the cake. (not the actual words he used.)

7x02 Cas’s death #3?

7x17 MISHA -- OH um, I mean CAS to the rescue lol

7x21 His cute little laugh! Honey!Cas has my heart and soul. Bonus Destiel: “ When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!” RIP Hester Queen

7x23 “Cursed or not.” Also his little smile when he asks for the plan ahh!

aka all episodes in s7 with Cas in it is worth watching.

Okay, I’ll try to control myself now but watch all of s8 cause its beautiful.

8x02 We see Dean’s POV to the purgatory portal scene. Also, hear Cas’s reason for leaving Dean.

8x07 We see Cas’s POV of the purgatory pov scene. Also, learn how Cas escapes purgatory. 

8x08 “I’m gonna be a hunter.” He’s so CUTE!

8x10 Cas needs a hug. Please.

8x17 ICONIC. “what broke the connection?” AHH

8x21 Badass Castiel

8x22 & 23 Castiel wants to do good. He wants to help but he just puts his trust in the wrong people. It hurts me so much. Look he’s just a small child and he is dealing with a lot right now. 

Season 9 Cas looks good. Like fanservice time father of two!

9x01 First look at human Cas!

9x03 I can’t watch this ending again. It’ll make me spiral. But it’s a good human Cas and destiel episode. Also, fuck April. She gross. 

9x06 ICONIC BLESSED jilted lover. 

9x09 He looks good.

9x10 “I prefer the word trusting. Less dumb. Less ass.” They are both dumbasses.

9x11 Sam & Cas chaotic vibes

9x14 Cas storyline with the angels starts or at least makes it more clear idk

9x18 Gabriel! Also, “Damn it, Dean!” and Cas accepts his role as a leader. The angels are dumb. 

9x22 Sam & Cas dream team lol Also, Cas picks Dean over heaven again.

9x23  “--and for what again? Oh, that's right -- to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too.”

10x01 Cas draped across the bed like a victorian lady waiting for her husband to come back from the war

10x03 You know that scene where he’s lying on the floor bloody and dying and the Crowley saves him. And then Cas glows and heals with grace and he’s glaring up at Crowley? You know that scene. Yeah. Bonus: I’m gay and bloody Hannah is also hot. Small tip: Ignore the creepy/gross Hannah and Cas set up the writers are trying to do. They are siblings. 

10x09 Claire! That’s his daughter!

10x10 Claire and Cas make me cry.

10x14 Deleted scene of “Maybe he’s your boyfriend.” 

10x17 Sam & Cas! They are best friends, you guys!

10x18 Charlie and Cas meet! AND THEY ARE ALL HAPPY AND I CRY

10x20 Claire! Cas get’s her a birthday present, grumpy cat stuffy, and she keeps it! And I cry. And she saves him. And she cares about him. 

okay 10x21 cause of Charlie and Cas but also fuck this episode. Charlie deserved better. 

10x22 ICONIC gosh damn it. I-

10x23 Just for backstory for Cas in s11. Our poor boy can't catch a break. 

I worked on this for two hours now Nonny and I don’t even care. I miss Cas.

Season 11 hurts my damn soul because of Cas. I won’t include Casifer, though it was A LOT of fun to watch him.

11x01 “Dean, did it work?” I wanna hold this poor sad madly in love man. 

11x02 I can’t handle the torture. He looks so sad.

11x03 Bless you director, Jensen Ross Ackles.

11x04 Okay, not a lot of Cas but I love this episode. 

11x06 They don’t talk about his trauma but they show us a little when he tries to leave the bunker. And I cried. Once again. Let. Me. Hold. Him. 

11x10 Ambriel glad you are dead cause you were SO rude. Also, Amara girly, queen, I love you but apologize. Stop being mean to Castiel.

11x22 Cas get’s to talk and that’s nice

11x23 “I can go with you.” Sir, you just came back from being possessed by THEE satan and now you are ready to die by your future husband's side. You need therapy. 

Okay, I stopped watching live after season 11 because of the way they treated Cas so these next seasons I binged watched ( a couple of times) but wasn’t apart of the fandom so it feels like I didn’t fully grasp them. But here we go!

12x01 Cas meets his mother-in-law. Also the little, “Dean!” when he hugs him. 

12x02 Cas and Mick :)

12x03 Agent Beyonce and Zee lol Cas and Crowley and should have had a sitcom 

12x08 Cas gets a text (angel radio) that he’s gonna be a Dad and it looks like when Alice had a vision of the Volturi in Breaking Dawn Part 2 lol

12x09 Let me hug Cas! He’s sad over his family being gone. Also, Mary, I love you but I don’t forgive anybody for being mean to Cas. All the Winchesters are on thin fucking ice with me. 

12x10 ICONIC destiel. Cas in a female vessel. 

12x12 ICONIC “I love you. I love all of you.” 

12x19 Worried husband Dean. Excited soon-to-be father Cas.

12x23 Cas dies (again) from child birth.

Watch the first few episodes of season 13 for the famous widower arc cause wtf they gave us THAT. Also, I don’t care for the other world storyline so I pushed that out of my head. 

13x04 Cas annoying a cosmic entity. Fun fact! I dislike the trenchcoat cause it looked so stiff and the color was off idk didn’t look great but Cas looked beautiful when he looks up at the sun! Ah!

13x05 IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN

13x06 ICONIC BROKEBACKNATURAL Also, Jack and Cas meet and I cried damn it. “I missed you.” That’s his son!

13x07 Cas doesn’t put anybody or anything above his baby boy

13x12 Cas has the dumbest husband but at least Cas stabs lucifer. Bet Misha felt good

13x14 Badass Cas. He’s a top. lol 

13x16 ICONIC Cas looks...great. Like, watch it. I would do anything for cartoon!cas

13x19Just cause Cas faced someone who tortured him and it’s made to seem like he should get over it and it pisses me off. But Naomi is so cool so idk I like her but would fight her

13x22 Otherworld Cas is there and Cas just kills himself. He needs therapy. 

13x23 Cas’s face when Dean says yes. Also, family hunting trip yay

14x01 Dadstiel! Also, Cas looks good. 

14x03 Dadstiel.

14x07 Dadstiel. “Losing a son feels different.” And I cry. 

14x08 “because I love you Jack. And Sam and Dean--they love you.” THEY DO LOVE HIM AHHHH! Also, Empty deal is made as an excuse for the writers to do something with Cas later. 

I just realized season 14 is just Cas trying desperately to keep his family together. He’s trying to take care of them and he has the right words to say to everyone but not much happens besides him wanting to be a family man. 

14x14 gay on gay violence lol Also another family hunting trip! 

14x15 Fav episode! I just love Sam & Cas’s dumb chaotic energy in this ahaha! They are best friends damn it!

14x18 Cas is trying desperately to keep his family together and he feels responsible for Mary

14x19 Cas should have been allowed to kick Sam and Dean’s dumb flat asses for locking his baby boy in a box. 

14x20 AHHH

Divorce arc! All of s15 is great! Except you know...19&20 but we ignore that in this house. 

15x03 ICONIC but I will never watch it again

15x06 dude, they really be broken up. Cas kicks ass by himself and he’s fishing and he’s so cute. 

15x09 ICONIC Let him talk, Castiel!

15x11 Cas is THEE best Dad and let’s Jack eat hearts

15x13 Just for the family.

15x15 :(

15x17 Cas working to keep his baby boy

15x18 :( I mean at least he’s out but :(

Okay, this took me all day and I had fun! Nobody is gonna read it but who cares cause I just spent my day thinking of Cas when I had a pretty shit day so thanks, Nonnie! 

#answering the q's #castiel #cas #episode rec #? idk #but here you go! #Anonymous

[titanicsimp]

Im just clogging your inbox with my dumb ass headcanons ahdjwjeohrkejeke but here are the Minecraft hcs 🤗

Eren: would honestly only build dirt huts or box houses made with oak wood. He would use iron doors but wouldn't know that you have to use a button/pressure plate to open them, so he'd break them every time he wants to leave his house. Would play in survival mode and would only survive off of bread and raw meat. But he'd also eat rotten flesh. After he's been playing for a while, he'd probably step up his game and build a diamond block house (photos not mine)

Armin: oh he builds such pretty houses. I think he'd like to play in creative mode mainly, because that way he's allowed to build and explore without having to be scared of getting killed every second. He'd probably build an underwater house or a small cottage in sunflower fields... He'd use a lot of prismarine and quartz blocks. He creates a world with Eren and the two play together and it's so cute 🥺 His house would probably be something like this and it'd crash with Eren's ugly ass house so much (photos not mine):

Mikasa: she LOVES playing minecraft but no one really knows because she's shy. She once saw historia playing on her phone and she got so excited. After that her, Historia and Sasha probably have a world together and it's really cute. Sasha would take care of the animals while Historia would probably like building new things. Mikasa would really like playing with Mods and Shaders, and also texture packs. She'd probably have the Biomes o' plenty mod on her pc. Her house would be a very nice little cottage in a flower field or in a pink forest. She'd spend hours planting nice little flowers around her house and growing crops. She'd have a pet fox!!!! And just a lot of animals. (Photos below are not mine)

Omg those cottages make me want to play for real 🥺🥺😭

Thank you for sharing these! Even my uncultured swine self who doesn’t play Minecraft enjoyed these. You should really make some posts with Headcanons because people would love them!

#ask #moots

[seat-safety-switch]

You're not supposed to feed the ducks at the park any bread crumbs. According to the signs in my nearby municipal recreational area, the bread will make their brains explode, if it doesn't get lodged in their throats and get super mouldy. That won't stop the ducks, though. They'll happily dive through the gates of Hell as long as it means that they get one more shot at the delight that only some gently stale white bread can bring.

None of us are any better at avoiding our own demise than those dumb-ass moistened fowl. Eating red meat, drinking antifreeze, and doing double the speed limit is "bad for us," and yet it also feels so very good in the moment. We're slaves to our instincts, and our instincts want us to find the biggest possible engine and slam that gas pedal as hard to the floor as we can.

It takes a much more advanced, educated person to understand that you can also drive recklessly fast in public with a smaller engine, saving you money on gas that can otherwise be more fruitfully applied to power-adders. A freak, really, who is deaf to the cries of their own biology. Someone who spends sleepless nights in their laboratory trying to figure out if triangles can be revved faster than cylinders. Harmless cranks, until they succeed and come out with something that contradicts our innate primate understanding of horsepower. Then we burn them at the stake and go back to drooling over raw displacement, which is the way it has to be in order to maintain the health of our community.

In the end, this is what really separates us humans from the ducks. You’ll never see a duck inventing the rotary engine. It doesn’t have to. Some idiots will come by all the time and keep giving it free bread.