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#dunno if I'm going to keep going on this one


#i feel like i'm in the in-between#it's almost a place at this point and my mind is stuck there#I haven't really written in almost two weeks - not anything that counts that is#i binge leverage in my free time and feel bad about it and i go to class and feel bad about that as well#school is kicking my ass it's been two weeks (this is the third week of the semester) and i'm already burnt out and depressed#i had one of the worst breakdowns last week‚ haven't had one this serious since the big two-week-long stress of last summer that broke my#brain. i feel like crying all the time and i mostly just don't really feel anything#i make myself go on walks and it doesn't make me feel better even though i love the places i go to#my knee hurts so bad i'm about to take my second painkiller of the day and I don't know what to do about it because it's not like i can#just not sit in class. i have long days of tedious lectures and even thinking about them makes me want to cry#which I can't really do tbh? which is weird?#also i tried baking yesterday and it sucked and i just. hmm. i'm trying so hard not to be bothered#i finally found a base for my battle vest and was like ”oh i'll tinker with this during classes :)” which definitely doesn't work like that#cause as it turns out i have to pay so much attention and take notes and i can't do that either so now i feel like i wasted money on the#jacket and cheated my friend out of the patches they gave me.#i keep thinking about having my second covid birthday and actually turning 20 which is something i don't want and if I think about it i#break down. i don't want to be 20 i don't want to be period.#i keep feeling excluded from the precious few friends i made in uni and i wouldn't blame them for not liking me I don't like me either#which is also like. i look in the mirror and go well that's. that's not good lol like i just look Bad and I don't know what to do about it#i dunno#i just want to have a good time again. or at least an ok time. a passable time. something#vent#delete later
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I have a lot of joking reasons (and one serious one) for why Beleg didn’t get reincarnated during the First Age, but my favorite is that everyone in the Halls of Mandos was always talking smack about Túrin (especially the ones that died as a direct result of existing in his Aurora of Doom™) except for Beleg who was like “Heck no not on my watch” and kept beating everybody up and got grounded in the Halls until the Third Age as a result.

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Didn’t want to post this but I just realized it was more than one tweet so eh (I only checked to see if it was deleted cause a tumblr reblog got deleted that I was replying to so fkldsajfljfd didn’t know if the the tumblr/twitter user were the same person, but considering it happened within 24 hrs of each other, but yeah I saw they made a few other tweets about it b4 the one I saw and I’m like “mmmmm I wanna set a few boundaries for future ppl that come on this blog”) And it was bothering me and I dunno if it was an accident on their part, but in case it wasn’t yeah….wanna set a few boundaries.

Listen if you don’t like my opinions it’s fine (I know I’m not exactly screaming into the void I now the void can scream back), and if you want to openly disagree and open a discussion that’s totally cool too! Or if you want to privately complain to your friends (aka I’m not following you or it’s a private message, or really just any way I won’t see it like even stumbling upon it) that’s neat too! 

But uh…….I never thought about it till now, but I don’t think I like ppl complaining about me in private (name cropped or not) and then tagging me so I can see their complaints. I dunno that makes me a bit uncomfortable. Like go ahead, tear my 3 am rants apart or bad mouth me, that’s fine, I don’t care. I don’t care cause it’s outta sight outta mind. But you do that and then tag me? So I can see it? Kinda makes me uncomfortable. Esp if it’s not to open a discussion. 

I’m gonna give them the benefit of the doubt that it was an accident (probably meant to do “@/” so as to not directly at me but forgot the “/”). But in case it’s on purpose and other people think of doing it, please don’t (this goes for Twitter and tumblr). Want me to see something? Want to ask me a question? Want my input? That’s ok! Want to rag on me/my opinions/something related to me, then at me, and leave it at that? No please don’t. 

I’m not mad, just uncomfortable (and paranoid in case it happens again). And I also don’t want a witch hunt, I just wanna set boundaries. 

Ah……also, again cause I’m paranoid (constantly paranoid about this tbh), I really hope that I don’t come across as hostile. I know I can get heated in my rants (never aimed at any anon or any person, just at P5 or whatever is angering me at that point…..usually P5), and I figured y’all are here for my long winded ness and my harumph harumph-ness or the fact it reads like a fever dream….it def feels like one when I type kelfjsadfja (when it comes to those kinds of posts at least), but even at my most salty I don’t want anyone feeling like “ah def don’t feel comfortable countering her or asking questions.” Obviously this isn’t a “positivity only~!” place, but I want it to at least feel like people feel respected. orz

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