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lovecolibri · 2 years

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SaL anon back my friend (after dealing with the aftereffects of my 3rd Covid for a week, fun times) and now that we've covered S2 it's time to cover the tsunami episodes!! Which I will absolutely have more on later but first we definitely need a song for this one. And while it was a struggle to pick out one, I think as the plot was very Buck focused we should revisit Four. Seems appropriate given Buck's struggle to return to his job, to find Chris, and how in the end Eddie gives him some hope.

Hello friend! I hope you’re staying safe and healthy out there! I absolutely cannot wait to hear your thoughts on the tsunami arc, and I’m so excited to talk about Four! It’s my enneagram number so I have a lot of feelings about it. I also just buzzed through the lyrics and I actually think it’s the perfect choice for Buck during this time.

This is a more “stream of consciousness” song without a normal verse/chorus/bridge structure and in fact there’s only one line that’s repeated which I find to be interesting in the context of Buck. I struggled a bit to figure out how to break this up, because it all flows together when you’re listening to the song, but every time I tried to combine a stanza, I ended up typing too much and had to split it anyway so 🤷‍♀️. Anyway, let’s talk about it!

i’m turning out the lights to remember how to see until a renaissance takes place and resuscitates the color of paint and divinity

I just love the idea of “turning out the lights to remember how to see”. Because Buck is often so in his head about every little thing, that it sometimes takes something big to get him to pause for a minute. I’m also thinking about this season and how fractured things are across the board and how miserable he’s looked except for those few times at work when we actually get real smiles from him that don’t fall off his face the second no one is looking. How grey everything must look to him right now with Eddie nearly dying, and Maddie struggling and him not being able to help, and her leaving and everything that went down with Chim and him leaving, and now Eddie leaving too. Buck is still waiting for that renaissance to bring back the color and it’s going to have to come from within when he realizes that his entire happiness cannot hinge on other people, but rather other people should enrich the happiness he has within himself. It’s all very fitting that this takes place in a season that started with a blackout and while the city lights came back on, the members of the 118 are still stumbling around a bit in the dark.

as if God hid the building blocks of every beautiful thing in this game of hide and seek i can’t help but think that ordinary has swallowed the key

The idea of uncovering beautiful things in everyday situations (of finding love where it wasn’t supposed to be), or hiding in tragedy (the place this heart came from was a tragedy, but when it arrives it will be a miracle), and that the ordinary things in life are the key foundation to building something lasting is such a good reminder, but also something Buck needs to remember right now. I know several people have mentioned how performative his relationship is with his gf and how he doesn’t seem like himself when he’s with her, and it’s just another clue the writers having given us about how unstable this relationship is, because there’s no solid foundation for it to be built on.

bodies fashioned out of dirt and dust for a moment we get to be glorious ice sculptures adorned in light sand castles built tall in between the tides

This is the first instance of the only repeated line “bodies fashioned out of dirt and dust/for a moment we get to be glorious” which I’ll talk about more when it comes around again, but it’s interesting that it’s tied here to things that are lovely but impermeant, such as ice sculptures and sand castles. There for a fleeting moment before dissolving back into the base element they come from. I’m having thinky thoughts about his current relationship and how, as I mentioned before, it’s performative, and something that looks pretty but is decaying from the start because it’s not built of a stable material on stable ground. It’s built as a show-piece for other people to look at and admire, but it’s only a matter of time before the heat wears the ice down, and the tide comes in, and the whole thing is swept away.

maybe i’m hiding behind metaphor maybe my heart needs to break to be sure one day i’ll wear it all on my sleeve the insignificant with the sacred unique

Oooooh, I just love this because Buck seems like he wears his heart on his sleeve, but Maddie was absolutely spot on when she said “He’s better at that than we think. Seeming fine.” Because while Buck will easily show delight or frustration/anger with situations, he has a lot harder time expressing his actual feelings and how those situations affect him (”how I hide my true feelings from others” anyone?). Like, for example, the lawsuit since we’re talking season 3. Buck easily shows he’s angry and frustrated about not getting to go back to work. It’s a lot harder to say he feels like his family ins’t having his back, that he feels lonely, even when they’re trying to keep him included. That he feels abandoned because he isn’t useful anymore and if he’s not useful, if people don’t need anything from him, if he can’t give of his body to serve someone else what does he have to offer? (Thanks a lot and a very large “fuck you” to the Buckley parents.) I also love this idea of “maybe my heart needs to break to be sure” because...that’s all of 5a right now isn’t it? And season 5 is shaping up to be quite the mirror of season 3. Buck’s heart being broken thinking he’s being left behind lead to the lawsuit, which lead to him realizing that he needs to communicate with his team, with his family, and in season 5, we get him telling them he’s going to transfer, but doing so before he’s put in paperwork and it’s it’s last day and he’s springing it on them or something. (He’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit!) But I’m also thinking about his romantic relationships. How having his heart broken by Abby was rough, but he was more sure than ever that he didn’t want to go back to how he was before. How he’s currently in a relationship but it’s not providing the comfort and support he needs as he’s struggling in other areas of his life. How maybe his heart being broken about everything except the idea that his relationship is ending, how maybe being broken more over Eddie just leaving the job than his relationship ending, is what he needs to be sure that it isn’t what he wants or needs in his life. I also love that last line about the insignificant and sacred unique, because it ties back in with the ordinary things being the key to building that solid foundation, and that what he has with Eddie and Chris is just...an ordinary life. Not a performance piece for other people to look at, but something just for them. Just normal, everyday things, that make up a satisfying life.

but i’ve fallen in love with a ghost and i lost my balance when i needed it most this blurry photograph is proof of what i’m not sure but it feels like truth

To get back to the season 3 tsunami arc of it all, I’m thinking about Buck, falling in love the job and the 118 and then having it all pulled out from underneath him, just as he’s recovering and needs the the stability he put in the job the most. But The Job isn’t actually what he needs, it’s the connections and family, and trusting that they still love him, even when he’s not being “useful”. Also, not to bring other songs into it, but I’m loving the Photograph reference since that song and “wait for me to come home” is like, THEE Buddie moment. This is one of my favorite lines and it’s soooo Buddie because they are both just...SO CLOSE to getting it, to seeing the whole picture, and realizing they are unhappy trying to build these romantic relationships because they’re already in the middle of one. And I’m also thinking of Eddie, and this moment where he’s hit with the truth of just what exactly Buck would do for Chris. I know the well incident triggered him to put pen to paper and change his will, but I firmly believe this is the moment that thought first crossed his mind. Because Eddie wasn’t there, but Buck still did exactly what Eddie would have done. I just love this idea that they’re both unsure what all of this means, but it’s still such an unmovable truth in their lives that any deviation, whether it be the lawsuit separation, or drifting while pursuing other romantic avenues, leads to unhappiness for all of them. Just waiting for the day that picture becomes clear!

i’m stuck swimming in shadows down here it’s been forever since i came up for air flashlight in hand determined to find authenticity only poetry could even begin to try to describe

The “swimming in shadows” is so appropriate for a tsunami related ask! But also, Buck has been drowning his whole life, constantly swimming in the dark, searching for an authentic love. Lord knows he never got that from his parents. And while Maddie did love him, she was also only a kid, and drowning in her own issues (”I always got the feeling you were sad too”). Uuuuuugh, I just want to hug him!!

bodies fashioned out of dirt and dust for a moment we get to be glorious

Okay, circling back to this, I’m just hit with all of the Buck feels. Not to be too morbid, but I’m definitely having thoughts about Buck thinking he’s expendable, and reaching for that moment of glory where he saves a life (one that’s more worthy than his own, to his mind), before returning to the earth, ashes ashes, dust to dust and all that. Like, his mom and his gf both have this idea that he’s got this cocky attitude that he’s too good/powerful/smart etc to get hurt. While in actuality, Buck risking his life, hoping for a moment of glory, is just him hoping to be seen, to be found, to be loved and he doesn’t know how to do that any other way. (Again, huuuuuuge “fuck you” to the Buckely parents. Like, massive middle finger.) Except he does, but he hasn’t made that full realization yet. That every little moment with Chris, where he takes him to the zoo, where he fosters and encourages Chris’s independence and curiosity for the world, every time he does something so effortlessly to help Eddie without making Eddie feel judged or incompetent, that every joke he makes with Chim, and every training opportunity he takes to help Ravi learn and be great at his job, and every cooking lesson he takes with Bobby, and every long talk with Hen, and every ounce of quite support for Maddie, ALL of those ordinary moments are little moments to be glorious. To build a solid foundation in those relationships.

what if we already are who we’ve been dying to become in certain light i can plainly see a reflection of magnificence hidden in you maybe even in me

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 This last stanza slays me every time and it’s SUCH a good theme for Buck, who keeps trying to focus on what’s wrong and needs to be “upgraded” like he’s defective and working out “bugs”. And I’m just sobbing over Eddie being 🙄 over the upgrades because he sees so clearly that Buck is already worthy of all the love he’s so desperately searching for. Because Eddie loves him anyway. (And I know this post is about Buck but OOF these are words Eddie needs to hear as well. That the person he wants to be is already in there, he just needs to embrace it.) And I love, love love, that ending because it’s also SO Buck, to say he can clearly see all the greatness in everyone around him, and is just now realizing that maybe it’s there in himself too.

Okay, this is incredibly long an unhinged and rambling but I have a LOT of feelings about this song and Buck. Thanks so much for picking this one and giving me a reason to make my feelings everyone’s problem!

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#my sweet nonnie friends #sleeping at last anon #911 #evan buckley #buddie #sleeping at last #four #i am in my feels on this fine sunday afternoon!

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ciceroisthefamilycat · 3 years

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The conclusion to the VA/BL reread with Silver Shadows and Ruby Circle (here’s the post on FH, here’s the post on the VA closers SB and LS)

I think I forgot to emphasize this in the last post: it is bullshit that Adrian still had the Alchemist-paid-for apartment after the events of “TFH” and only becomes more unbelievable that Trey has it still in “SS”... I do not get it

Like with SB and LS, I would make a lot of plot changes in the adaptation.

Silver Shadows

Fun fact: her golden lily on this book cover actually flashes a little gold in the right lighting, and I love that

This one, especially the majority of Sydney’s stuff in the first half or so of the book, was much better than I remembered.

Adrian’s stuff had me far less forgiving. I realize he’s struggling with a fictionalized elevated form of bipolar disorder and he developed addictions in trying to self-medicate over most of his adolescence/early adulthood so far, but as far as his actions go... the part where he blackouts for something like three weeks while in Sydney’s chapters she’s so certain he’s going to rescue her... it really frustrates me. Especially because Richelle writes him as self-flagellating over it, but Sydney immediately reassures him “oh, no, I just got the gas turned off, you couldn’t have really done anything...” as if those three or so days weren’t a big deal with the way the time crunch worked out later... it’s one of those heavy-handed things where I don’t feel like Richelle ever actually makes Adrian own up to his errors in the same way the rest of the main characters have to. Including: Wesley Drozdov and his motley crew show up again, and Adrian plays big hero and outs their dabbling attempt on Sydney, and then with Keith later on thinks to himself “at least I’d taken no for an answer from girls” as if he hadn’t insistently pursued both Rose and Sydney (including the scene at Alicia’s Victorian inn in IS) and been revealed to have dabbled at least once. Like, good that he’s trying to make up for past behavior, but again and again it comes off to me as glib or insincere (in the way it’s written- that he’s some model that is exempt from causing harm). This especially pisses me off in the way he treats his mom for sticking in a loveless marriage to his dad (did Adrian forget about his mom’s affair with Ambrose btw?) for financial security, and even with the hypocrisy being pointed out to him and him begrudgingly admitting it in his mind, or he drags Nina to Sonya’s to try and get her compensated for her work and she’s all googly eyes at him, but his acts of chivalry feel empty. And this extends to Marcus, too, to a lesser extent. Look, I love Carly (all the Sage sisters mean the world to me) and I’m glad that she became an advocate for fellow survivors and I get what Richelle was trying to do in empowering survivors with Carly’s character, but Marcus’ star-struck admiration of her (being made speechless by her strength) felt weird and make me uncomfortable.

On to Sydney’s stuff, holy hell her side of the story is dark. And this conversion therapy nonsense in it is part of why I desperately want canon queer leads in the adaptation (preferably Sydney herself, which would yes mean Adrian and probably Rose... that’s my prerogative). Is that potentially triggering? YES. But Richelle took that step when she laid it on so thick with the allegory. In the meantime, I love the supporting characters that Richelle drew up to be in the center with Sydney. Emma, Duncan, and the rest (the fellow detainees- not Sheridan... she can burn) and I want more of them (seriously, Richelle made some great underexplored groups with the Unpromised, the Keepers, the Merry Men, and then these additional Rebelchemists). There is a weird mention of Sydney having arranged some supply closets on one of the floors, despite whatever scene she did that in seemingly having been cut (there was also a line Rose ascribed to Victor at the end of Last Sacrifice about sending Jill away, so it’s not unheard of). When I first read the book (with a long break before), the degree to which Sydney was using magic in there felt illogical, but rereading directly from the other books, it is more justifiable. I think the Detainment, and Sydney’s struggles there, is some of the best writing Richelle managed in the books, and I don’t have any changes to that part.

But the escape... is actively worse than I remember it. There are glimmers of some great stuff in there- I mentioned in the last post how much I love when Sydney wakes up Hopper and sobs over him, and that still is powerful. But omfg Sydney (and Adrian) hold up the stupid stick so many times in these chapters. To be clear, first-off: Adrian should have gotten blood before they ever went into the desert. In the worst case, he and Eddie (the night before the infiltration) should have gone off to the side and done a feeding (doesn’t have to be Eddie, since I imagine he actually has a bad reaction to them since FB, but it does have to be someone willing). Eddie would have enough time to recover, especially with adequate food. Setting that aside, the actual events of the escape work for me. So I guess it’s more the after. Sydney and Adrian should have driven straight to Las Vegas (if they wanted to stop in the other town and change clothes and switch cars that’s fine with me- I even like the senior citizen tour they were on; p.s. we never learn if the Ivashkinator was shipped back to Palm Springs or anything, which is very surprising to me). Their decision to stay in a hotel overnight, even as much as Sydney did deserve that kind of relaxation, was stupid beyond belief. I would have preferred they got to Vegas, were spotted by Alchemists but made it to the Witching Hour without issue, and then Adrian got them a room, and that was the point where Sydney relaxed and slept. Consolidate some of that. Let Sydney have her luxury bath, and a haircut from Adrian, and other stuff there. Let her mention to him that the first photo she saw of him was taken near there, and hey, did he know Rose had bought a car in Russia that Sydney loved. And when Adrian goes down to make some money to further their escape, that’s when he realizes they’re being watched- there are too many yellow and orange auras. Let them have a less exorbitant wedding than in the book- no ridiculous mermaid dress that Sydney can’t expect to move in and that is ridiculously expensive (she can still have a beautiful stunning white dress). Let her start with the blue sneakers. Let Adrian find a place to get the ring made, if that’s necessary (or just use the dang cufflinks as are for the time being and pin them to the fancy attire). And Jill sends the chopper directly to the Firenze for an “Italian” wedding. They can still have the showdown with Sheridan on the roof- just simplify everything.

And then when they get to Court- let Sydney do more of the talking. Let her (righteously) call out the conditions in the reconditioning- the torture because she showed empathy to Renee who couldn’t even eat on her own, the torture they inflicted on Emma to break her- she didn’t betray her own kind, the Alchemists are repeatedly betraying their own kind, pushing them into the darkness of an empty hole. Oh, and this necklace around her neck, that Sheridan took for her own before Sydney reclaimed it, the morning glories were painted by the man she loves. And she rejects the Alcehmists having any authority on her. She’s a witch of the Stelle coven; she’s Sydney Sage Ivaskhov damnit. And when her dad tells her that if she doesn’t come with them, these will be the last words she ever gets to say to him? She gets to ask him if he knew what happened to Carly, if he let it happen under his own roof because he wanted a son like Keith more than the daughters he was blessed with. I want Sydney arguing her case, having her real communion. I said the same for Rose and Spirit Bound, and Sydney deserves the same here.

p.s. there are a lot of structural parallels between this book and BP/early SB- Sydney’s reeducation being like Rose’s time in Novosibirsk, the Tasarov escape from SB (which Eddie directly mentions) immediately followed up with a Vegas trip

Ruby Circle

Dang it. Look, I no longer hate the idea of Sydney and Adrian raising a kid. Their ending in RC was a lot better built-up (and a lot less bitter for Sydney) than I thought the first time. But the road to get there...

I hate the Jill being kidnapped by Alicia part (and I don’t buy the Warriors working with her). Honestly, just let them deal with Alicia during the events of Fiery Heart (when next to nothing else is going on). Like, Adrian and Sydney come off really badly in my head for “causing” her kidnapping because of a personal vendetta against them, when they came there to protect her in the first place (I realize the actual fault was with Alicia, but the feeling stands). Also the pointless scavenger hunt leading them from Pennsylvania (so conveniently, even though Alicia would have had to go there to set her traps after abducting Jill in the first place?) a month after the fact to whatever castle (then to Michigan) then to Palm Springs and the infiltrating the Warriors mission... it’s all too much (also I refuse to believe Sydney cast those stinging demons... that’s so dangerous I can’t even). Given the introduction of the Stelle in FH, and the unnecessary Malachi stuff, it works better to do that all then anyways. (I still want Jackie involved somehow of course) Instead of sidelining Angeline at Amberwood, she should get to be involved in the hunt for Jill (same as Eddie was for Sydney).

In other parts... Wesley Drozdov was never a good character. I really didn’t need even a mention of him in this book. I also... don’t buy how stigmatized Adrian was for marrying Sydney. I can see it being a scandal, or a laughingstock, the source of snarky asides and derision, but Richelle never built it in VA or the earlier BL books to being as heinous as she then tried to make it (so that Adrian could feel suffocated by Court, just like Sydney). I would have been much more interested in trying to see Sydney blend in, and take a stand in the Moroi world (and seeing her try to ally with nonroyal Moroi, but that also still not going super smoothly because they don’t like being on the same level as a human), and maybe her trying out her magic with the Moroi fighters that Mia and Christian had formed (that beautiful, blessed little moment), and then if it integrating there didn’t work admitting that it just... wasn’t going to. Rather than not even trying.

I understand that Richelle was building up with Adrian’s fears of completely losing it with Nina, but she just got screwed over in both of these books. (We’re acknowledging that it was wrong of her to kiss him in SS when he wasn’t even conscious, and moving on). And then Olive got screwed. And Neil got screwed. I said before that I don’t mind Sydney and Adrian raising a kid. But I mind a whole heck of a lot that Richelle killed (essentially) Nina and Olive both (in bullshit, tragic ways) and then wrote Neil off so that Sydney and Adrian would have to raise a baby. Let Sydney be pregnant. Let her be recovering from the most traumatic event of her life, she and Adrian forewent protection on their hectic honeymoon/escape, she’s going to be a mom to a Dhamphir and wow that’s going to be weird for her... and meanwhile this allows her to get through to Olive. To promise Olive and Neil that Sonya and everyone else will not use their baby as a test tube. Nina can still go up to the brink (maybe she passes it and the spirit trio of Lissa, Sonya, and Adrian have to heal her), there can still be a Strigoi attack at the Refuge in northern Michigan, but ffs cut the crap treatment of those three to pass on a readymade kid to Sydrian. It is a trope that I loathe. I also dislike the “ohmigod” fangirl characterization of Mallory, and while the Rand stuff was better than I remembered (that is to say, he is terrible and everyone acknowledges that and no one makes light of it the way I misremembered), I could do without it (especially since I’d prefer that if they keep Dimitri and Adrian cousins, they addres it much earlier).

Honestly, I would do the following:

the start of the season for RC (which doesn’t match its name??) has Sydney and Adrian locked down at Court and they can’t help like they want to, so they try to adapt and do what they can there, including Adrian trying to get Nina to calm down; their friends from Palm Springs and Marcus team up altogether and get an infiltration squad with the Warriors of Light; Eddie gets to participate; they rescue Jill, and get some of the data on the Alchemist/ Warrior collaboration

the Moroi Court finally gets into action on the age and family laws in earnest; meanwhile, Sydney is helping carve out a niche for the rebel Alchemists to work with the Moroi, especially for Strigoi hunting groups like what Mia and Christian wanted to organize; Jill and Sydney are helping each other emotionally recover from their respective hostage ordeals; Sydney realizes she’s pregnant, which helps Adrian realize in a dream with Olive that she’s pregnant, and finally sees her location marker

it’s “rescuing” Olive time; Neil gets to go too- with his presence, things don’t all go to shit; there is a Strigoi attack in retaliation for the new hunting groups, but heroes persevere and protect the commune; the data on the Alchemist/Warrior collaboration, and the Rebelchemists work with the Moroi, gives the perfect leverage now to get the Rebelchemists their freedom and establish Sydrian’s future together

SO, after rereading Bloodlines

I dislike Sydrian less than I did, though I still think Adrian could be vastly improved if adapted as a woman

the second half gave Eddie more to do, but still not enough emotional focus on him

man Amberwood and its supporting characters disappeared; I get that Adrian isn’t likely to settle in California long term, but can I please get more resolution to those characters, whether it comes from more focus in IS, or a graduation ceremony or something?

Abe also disappeared which is strange

man, Sydrian have a lot of daddy issues. because their dads are both abusive jerks. but why oh why did Jared end up collaborating with the Warriors for tattoos? was it because of anger over ‘losing’ Sydney or just greed? I’m glad that Zoe and Sydney at least started to heal things, and that Zoe is ok where she is

we still never got answers on who restored Lee... Clarence only showed up for deus ex machina money and shelter and I guess blood (did Marcus ever get to speak to him again?)

minor grievance: Richelle described the Warrior recruits as being almost evenly distributed between men and women, with a slide toward men, before two pages later saying there were 30 potential guys and 13 potential ladies, and remembering that, oh, yeah, the Warriors didn’t really use women on the front line; I don’t want any of that subplot adapted I just... editing?

#DoBetterByOliveAndNinaAndNeil2030 (who gets to name their kid Declan?), #LetSydneyUseHerBeautifulBrain

#I'm a VA girl #long beneath the cut

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theres-a-goldensky · 4 years

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16 + 2 Reddie Fic Recs pt. 2

I’m back and still on my Bill Hader bullshit, so here’s another round of Reddie fic recs, because I can’t stop reading and sometimes sifting through the insane amounts of fic is a nightmare. So if you feel my pain and need some (at least in my opinion) fun stories, then come along with me on a magical journey filled with men crying during sex, hypochondria, and your mom jokes.

As ever, feel free to reblog and check out my other rec lists for the following fandoms:

IT chapter 2 list part one - Reddie

Good Omens fic

The Untamed list one and two - various pairings, mostly Wangxian

Various BL Series fic (fandoms: Love By Chance, TharnType, 2Moons series, My Engineer, Until We Meet Again, 2gether, History3: Trapped)

Or just head over to my bookmarks on AO3.

All my recs are completed, almost all of them are post-It chapter 2. * - denotes a favorite

1. I killed a clown. AMA! by liesmyth - ~10,000 words, teen - The history of Eddie and Myra’s marriage shown through their posts on reddit. The voices here are great, and it really feels like reading the reddit forums, down to the people sleuthing through their past posts and comments to try and figure out if what they’re saying is real or an elaborate troll.

r/relationships

Posted by u/martymcfly6xo 7 months ago

My (39F) husband (39M) likes horrible stand-up comedy. How can I stop him from bringing this up in front of our mutual friends?

For the last year or so my husband has been watching a lot of stand-up comedy on youtube. I want him to have something relaxing to do (he works a lot and gets really invested in his ‘hands-on’ hobbies in a way I’m not sure is good for him) but I was very puzzled by this discovery as he likes very crass acts and that is certainly not the kind of humor hubby usually enjoys...

2. all of the kids back home believing much more than you do by eatcheeseliveforever - ~11,000 words, explicit - This is a fix-it fic, which is becoming more and more rare in this fandom as we collectively started deciding that Eddie Kaspbrak doesn’t need to be brought back to live, because he never died in the first place, dammit. It has some great pining by Richie. You can really feel his grief and desperation as he searches for a way to get Eddie back. The other Losers are great in this too, especially Mike with his whales.

"A boat, actually," murmured Mike. "I'm on a whale-watching cruise."

Richie mouthed the words "whale watching cruise" to himself. Empirically he knew such things existed, that they happened not far away from the coast where he lived, but it felt like several fucking galaxies away from where he was, surrounded by the ghosts of takeouts and blackouts past and the actual ghost-ghosts, who he couldn't step in or stub his toe on at three in the morning, but hurt so much worse.

"He said you've been googling resurrection rituals."

Richie scrounged through his pile of empties, hoping one wasn't. "Bill talks too much."

"Richie." A sigh, or a wave, or a really quiet whale. "You're not going to find a resurrection ritual on Google."

"I've found hundreds," said Richie. "Funny thing, though, they all seem to call for orgies. Or virgin sacrifices. Or sacrificing someone's virginity in an orgy. I'm hoping Ben will volunteer as tribute."

3. * - you’ve got the answers to my confessions by QueerOnTilMorning - ~17,000 words, explicit - This is the good stuff right here. Richie accidentally sexts Eddie and Eddie is IN. TO. IT. This fic starts with excellent phone sex, there’s misunderstandings and confessions in the middle, and then it ends with super hot sex. There’s a brief part with karaoke that was a bit of a lull in the story, but doesn’t take away from how great the rest is.

suck on ur tongue

show u how much I missd that mouth

when u start getting weak in the knees

thats when ill get on mine

He set the phone aside to unzip his pants, palming himself through his boxers, already half-hard.

Then he froze.

The text he had just replied to--it was what he'd expected Travis to say, but it wasn't how Travis would say it. That text began with a capital letter and contained punctuation. That text was from--

"Oh, fuck, no," Richie whispered, and his phone rang.

Incoming call: Eds

4. * - L'Appel du Vide by Mackem - ~92,000 words, teen - I know, I know, almost 100k and no sex, but hear me out! The pining in this fic is so exquisitely beautiful and wrenching. Eddie’s POV is excellent and feels really spot on. The other Losers are well represented, especially Ben and Bev. In fact, the group dynamics here are almost as good as the relationship stuff. The later chapters bring in a subplot about the deadlights that I wasn’t that interested in, but it’s still done really, really well, and that’s only a side plot that doesn’t impact that exceptional story of Eddie and Richie figuring out how to stop being dummies.

Two messages, however, are from Stanley, sent to him privately. He opens them, and is met with a picture of Richie, apparently taken without him realising.

It shows him laughing, his eyes crinkled at the corners behind his glasses, and his smile bright and broad as a hand gestures wildly in the air. The other hand is in his hair, pushing it out of his eyes as he tilts his head back, displaying the line of his throat beneath his stubble.

The breath is punched from Eddie at the sight of it.

He stares at it for a long moment, surprised by the depth of his reaction. His stomach is swirling happily, a bubble of excitement growing at the pit, and he cannot help but feel a heated flush build at his cheeks.

It’s probably just because Richie looks like he’s enjoying himself. It’s good to see his friend having fun. That has to be it.

Then he reads Stan’s message.

Stan: He was talking about you. He does that a lot.

5. my love a beacon in the night - by zach_stone - ~4500 words, explicit - Richie is on the road doing shows through Christmas. His friends have a surprise for him. I know it’s almost Valentine’s Day, but it’s never the wrong time for a fluffy Christmas story imo.

“Yep, just got to my hotel,” Richie says. “Now I’m getting ready for my big Christmas Eve plans.”

Eddie snorts. “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Well according to my TV guide, they’re doing a rerun of The Mistletoe Promise, so I’m all fuckin’ set,” Richie says, grinning when Eddie laughs. On Eddie’s end of the line, he hears the sound of cars passing by, the muffled chatter of people, and says, “Are you outside?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” Eddie says.

Richie glances at the clock on the nightstand. It’s after ten; Eddie’s not one to be wandering around Times Square after dark. He frowns slightly. Eddie’s been unusually vague about his holiday plans, so Richie has no clue what he’s up to this evening. Not that it’s any of his business. Maybe he’s started seeing someone and is spending the holidays with them. Richie has a sudden image of Eddie, arm-in-arm with some generically pretty woman, taking in the lights and decorations around the city. It opens a pit in his stomach.

6. Coming Back and Coming Out: Richie Tozier's 2019 by Lunatical - ~2000 words, teen - I genuinely adore the mixed media fics that this fandom has spawned. This one is an excerpt from a magazine interview with Richie as he restarts his career.

Slouched on his couch in a cheesy Hawaiian shirt and torn-up jeans, Richie Tozier looks exactly like the manchild he is describing himself to be. Next to him, sitting up straight and dressed in a lovely suit that most people would consider appropriate for an interview, his husband rolls his eyes.

When we scheduled this interview, Tozier insisted we hold it at their house, citing a desire for the interview to be “as chill as possible”—in his own words, of course. He argued that seeing the two of them in their usual environment would help me get a better idea of the kind of relationship they have. After walking into their apartment and seeing the way they’ve decorated the place, I have to admit that I can understand why.

7. baby, there’s no other superstar by kaspbrakziers - ~7000 words, mature - Another mixed media fic that shows the progression of Richie and Eddie’s relationship and Richie’s career through tweets, texts, and interviews. Eddie not knowing how to turn off the capslock on his phone absolutely sent me.

Search history

Today Sunday, 13 November 2016

should i get a divorce? - Google Search

Unhappily Married: Should I get a divorce? - Yahoo Answers

10 Signs Your Marriage Is Over - Buzzfeed

how to divorce? - Google Search

How To File For Divorce (With Pictures) - wikiHow

how to divorce someone without them getting angry? – Google Search

can you divorce someone without telling them? - Google Search

8. Goes on Trips for the Scenery by InkandOwl - ~4500 words, teen - Eddie dies and then comes back to life and tries to get some perspective. I liked the conversations between Eddie and Richie and then way that Eddie starts to take care of himself. The end is really sweet.

If cosmic power and a literal alien space clown’s death wasn’t going to bring him back to life, Eddie was certain that the terrible pain of hearing Richie beg, his tears dropping onto Eddie’s face, probably would’ve done it. He feels sick just thinking about it. About what it all means. “Yeah, Rich, I will.” He could throw a jab at him, tell him something about eating like an adult for once, but he wants to be easy with him right now. Richie deserves it. “You’ll text, right?”

Richie looks down at the prepaid cricket phone in Eddie’s hand and laughs, “There’s no fucking way that thing gets texts.”

“It does.” Eddie grins, “You could call too.”

The fight drains from Richie, his shoulder slumping and he sighs, “Yeah, Eds, I’ll call.”

9. cause i'm about to blow that back out by thotgreeves - ~5000 words, explicit - Here, have some porn. Eddie wears lingerie and Richie loses his goddamn mind. Features submissive top Richie and his unending boner for Eddie.

Richie really should have learnt to never underestimate Eddie Kaspbrak by now. It had come close to killing Richie once, but Eddie might actually be trying to finish him off.

Because the other perk of always letting Eddie go ahead of him was that it gave Richie a prime view of Eddie's ass. Eddie knew about this part and was okay with it. He was wearing a high-waisted pair of slacks that Richie was pretty sure came from the women's section, slightly loose in the legs but nicely filled out by his ass. Richie had been very vocal in the past about how hot they got him, which signaled that Eddie definitely wanted to have sex tonight, and that was already enough to make Richie's dick twitch in excitement. He hadn't been prepared for the finishing blow.

Richie's eyes were fixed, pendulum-like, on how Eddie's slacks were hugging his butt perfectly with every step he took, tight enough to show off the outline of his underwear. Only the folds didn't sit where Richie had expected them to. Instead, Richie realized, his mouth going dry, that in the absence of boxers, there was only a V-shaped crease running from Eddie's hips to between his asscheeks, which could only mean-

Eddie was wearing a thong.

10. * - I’ll Be Homo For Christmas by Amuly - ~15,000 words, explicit - Bill and Audra get a divorce, so Bill moves into Richie’s house with him. Eddie, watching all of this from New York, where he’s still married to Myra, is super, super ok and fine with it in every way.

Except then Richie started posting.

Just stupid shit, mostly with Bill. It wasn’t even real. Eddie knew Bill wasn’t gay and him and Richie were just fucking around ‘for the ‘gram!’ But the more posts Eddie scrolled past on Richie’s Instagram—

Bill in the kitchen swatting at Richie with a spatula.

Richie and Bill at the pound, Richie rating dogs on adoptability, Richie begging Bill to adopt a dog with him.

Richie in the morning with bedhead, smiling blearily into the camera as Bill…

Well. Eddie couldn’t even remember what stupid thing Bill was supposed to be doing in the background of that photo because his eyes couldn’t get past Richie’s bedhead and shirtless torso, chest hairs creeping up towards his collarbones and the little dip at the base of his throat.

Eddie hadn’t thought he was homophobic. But he must have some unresolved issues with it, because he got a stomachache every time he looked at that photo of Richie. Eddie popped a Tums and resolved to talk about it with his therapist.

11. A High-Five is a Hug You Can Hit by Amuly - ~26,000 words, explicit - This fic shows us times throughout their friendship when Eddie and Richie would invent reasons to touch each other without even knowing why. This author feels the same bone deep conviction about Richie crying during sex that I do, and I greatly appreciate that. Plus, all of their stories are fantastic, including this one.

“You know, one of the symptoms of hypothermia is feeling like you’re warm. So like, your body gets so cold that it gets hot, and then you start taking off your clothes-”

“Bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Eddie?” Richie shot back at him without turning around.

“Why don’t you ask your sister how much she liked it last week!” Eddie hollered up at him. Richie just flipped him off without looking. That kinda… bugged Eddie. What the fuck did Richie think he was doing leading up the group with Bill? Why was he stuck back here with Stan? Eddie glanced over at Stan, who was trudging tiredly through the woods alongside him, breath puffing out in little clouds of smoke.

“Okay, Stan?”

Stan glanced over at him, confused. Then he shrugged. “Yeah, fine. Cold.”

“Well that’s better than feeling warm.” And now Eddie was back on track. “Because, if anyone starts feeling warm, they should tell the others immediately. That’s a sign of hypothermia. And we have to warm you up. But you have to do it gradually, you can’t just jump in like, a pot of boiling water-”

12. * - fall apart of stay intact by kaspbrak_kid - ~19,000 words, teen - A more melancholy take on the Christmas fic. This story takes Richie’s self-esteem issues and mental problems and amps them up in a way that feels entirely realistic. The gang comes together to celebrate Christmas, and everyone is walking on eggshells because last Christmas was a bad one for Richie. Also, Eddie moves into the house literally right next to Richie’s, and I find that detail endlessly charming.

“Five minutes ago. I called you, and you didn’t answer. Because you were outside, apparently, fucking...stargazing in December! With no hat on!”

“It’s about the Vitamin D!” Richie says. Now that he’s moved a little, he can really feel the cold—his ears are aching, and his face is numb. “Reflecting off the moon, or something. I have seasonal depression, you know!”

“You have seasonal stupidity,” Eddie mutters, audibly rubbing his hands together. “Just get inside.”

“Yours or mine?” Richie jokes.

Eddie doesn’t get the memo. “Mine, obviously. I’ll make you hot chocolate.”

“Oh,” Richie says, and sits up. “Um. Okay, be right there.”

“Oh, thank god,” Eddie says, and hightails it to his back door, cursing about the cold.

13. evidence of a happier future by lagaudiere - 23,000 words, mature - I am here, leading the Jealous!Eddie revolution. Why aren’t there more fics about this. Have you SEEN Eddie Kaspbrak, can you IMAGINE him jealous? Make this happen, fandom. Anyway, in this one, Richie has a boyfriend back in LA. Eddie has trouble dealing with that as he tries to figure himself out and pick up the pieces of his life post-Derry.

“It’s not gonna be like Mike’s announcement, don’t worry,” Richie says hastily. “And it’s not like, a huge thing, so don’t make it a huge thing. But you guys are like, my best friends, and I just wanted you to know that I’m, uh. Gay.”

He turns up his palms and raises his eyebrows in a gesture that suggests a magician presenting his audience with an empty hat after making the rabbit disappear, and Eddie says, “Are you joking?”

“What? Jesus, no, Eddie.” Richie’s face falls, and Eddie instantly feels guilty. “I’m trying to be sincere here.”

“Sorry,” Eddie says immediately, feeling all of their friends looking at him with reproach. “I was just — if you weren’t, I wouldn’t think you should… joke about it.”

“Well, I am,” Richie says. He sounds slightly put out — and who wouldn’t be, Eddie scolds himself, by that ridiculous response. “I have all the gay credientials. I have a boyfriend, partner, whatever people say. I don’t really tell people because of the whole, stage persona, thing. But yeah.”

“Richie!” Bev’s voice breaks through the awkwardness, and she reaches across the table to squeeze his hand. “Thank you for telling us. Really.”

And the others all join in, a chorus of voices telling Richie they love him and they’re proud of him, and Ben is saying, “I wanna see a picture of the guy!” and Eddie’s throat feels like it’s closing up.

14. The ‘Do Not Fucking Touch Me’ Tour by MellytheHun - ~23,000 words, explicit - It’s Richie’s comeback special, and he makes it a big one. This...isn’t really a comedy show, but the author lampshades that. It’s an excuse to have Richie talk about how much he loves each of his friends individually, and it’s extremely entertaining. Richie doesn’t know that Eddie is in the audience watching it all.

“Hey, uhm… Eddie… he couldn’t reschedule his thing? He - I mean... it… it was really that important?”

She feels awful for him immediately, but not wanting to spoil what would ultimately be a lovely surprise, she tells him, “I’m sorry, Rich. He said it was urgent. He was really sorry about it.”

Her phone buzzes with a text from Eddie right as Richie curses under his breath, missing the noise. She clutches her phone more tightly in her fist, knowing Eddie is wondering where his seat is going to be; she bought him a separate ticket, elsewhere in the theatre, so Richie wouldn’t catch him sitting among them, as he will absolutely, inevitably look over to the Losers for most of the show.

“Okay,” Richie surrenders sadly, “Uh - I guess he’ll see it eventually, right?”

Smiling forlornly at him, she pats his arm, and tells him, “don’t worry, Richie. Your genius will inevitably be forced upon us all.”

He smiles at her, gives her a kiss on the cheek, and when Bill jokingly asks why he didn’t get one, Richie flips him off, and reminds them to treat themselves to the bar in the lobby.

Once he’s backstage, Beverly takes her phone out, and emails Eddie his ticket, explains that she’s already convinced Richie he’s not coming, and to make sure he doesn’t show up too early, or Richie will notice.

15. The List by cissues - ~7000 words, teen - Eddie finds a list he wrote as a teenager. Richie tries his best to fulfill them all. This is very sweet.

‘ All the things I want. Everything I’m not allowed to have. A perfect summer. ”

The words hit gentler than he thought they would, but they still hit and he finds himself blinking away at a wetness at the corner of his eye. He wipes at it and sniffles and Richie peers sidelong at him to make sure he’s okay. He is, he’s fine, and Richie never dotes on him when things are, generally, okay. Only when he needs it, which is one of the many things he loves about what they have now.

“This is… this is like a fucking bucket list for the most repressed child in the world.” Richie says, breathless.

Eddie rolls his eyes to hide the sting. “You’re looking at him,” he says, bitter. Richie frowns at him but turns back to the paper. Another thing Eddie loves, Richie never takes his trauma-induced bait. His knee-jerk reactions developed over years of what he’s now comfortable enough to call abuse.

16. Richie Tozier Answers the Web's Most Searched Questions by DeadpanMage - ~2000 words, teen - This is a short one, but the transcript of this popular YT video format with Richie felt spot on in terms of characterization and Richie’s voice.

[Back to the text screen: “So WIRED asked Richie Tozier some of the internet’s burning questions.” Cut back to Richie, now holding a poster board with several Google autocomplete searches half covered.]

Richie: I’ve undergone something of a rebranding in the past year, so I wonder how many of these questions are going to be super irrelevant-slash-embarrassing. Probably all of them. Let’s get started! [He tears the covering off of the first question.] Alright, that’s not bad. “How to pronounce Richie Tozier?” Well, we’re only on question one and I’ve already said it like a hundred times so there you go. And that’s “Richie Tozier” spelled J-O-H-N M-U-L-A-N-E-Y, so if you’ve got any complaints be sure to send them that way. Next question!

You can check out a larger list of stories I’ve enjoyed in my AO3 bookmarks. And finally, if you’re interested, here are the two fics I’ve written:

1. Waiting For a Sign - ~6000 words, explicit - Eddie meets Richie again and comes to the startling realization that he totally wants to hit that.

Maybe if Richie wasn’t famous, Eddie could have found a way to let it go. A couple furtive jerk off sessions in the shower after he got back to New York and the image of Richie’s big hands and wide smile and improbably flattering stubble would fade from his mind.

But Richie was famous, and the internet never forgot.

Eddie lasted three days before giving in and typing ‘Richie Tozier’ into the YouTube search bar. Just seeing Richie in the thumbnails was enough to make Eddie’s heart thud, what the fuck. He had to scroll past a bunch of news videos about Richie's supposed mental breakdown, but after that he landed on some old stand-up.

Before he clicked on the first video, he got up and made sure that the door of his study was locked. Then he turned off the lights and put on a pair of earbuds.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It - ~21,000 words, explicit - It’s that totally relatable situation where the man you’re secretly in love with is a celebrity who just came out and now needs a fake boyfriend to keep himself in the spotlight. Eddie offers to help out of the goodness of his heart and not because he’s insanely fucking jealous.

Eddie froze, breath catching in his throat.

Richie looked...really good.

Bev’s influence was obvious. His hair, which had been unkempt and shaggy, a perfect match for his stoner permakid schtick, was cut much shorter and neater. His formerly unruly stubble somehow now emphasized the sharp cut of his jaw instead of obscuring it.

He wore new glasses, Eddie noticed. Slim silver metal frames instead of his giant, clunky plastic ones. The fitted black sweater and dark blue jeans were simple, but made his shoulders look impossibly broad and his legs miles long.

Fuck everything and Beverly Marsh in particular.

LINK TO MY FIRST SET OF REDDIE RECS 30+ FICS

#reddie fic #reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #fic recs #it chapter 2 #ao3 #rec list #reddie fic recs

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richiefuckfacetozier · 6 years

Text

Chapter 8: With Or Without You

Story: It’s Not My Fault

Title - With Or Without You by U2

Also on Archive of Our Own

For other chapters - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |

Eddie did something really horrible. As in catastrophically terrible. He should be kicked out of the Losers Club and be forced to live a hermit life. The only problem was…he had no idea what he did.

Upon reflection, finishing off random alcoholic drinks was certainly not his finest moment. Considering those drinks brought him to a state of being blackout drunk. He could remember the Vermont guy calling him a 13-year-old and a switch in his mind got flipped. An aggressive switch he kept at bay when he could but may be slammed on high at any time.

He knew he danced with all the losers at some point. Made Bill give him a piggyback ride and then told Mike to catch him as he ran full speed into his arms. Mike poured his drink all over that girl he was flirting with, which probably ruined his night a bit. He remembered straddling and making out with Richie on a couch in public. Eddie shuddered at this memory because it was the most embarrassing thing he has ever done. It was also amazing, but mostly cringey.

The only reason he knew he did something bad, was because Richie would not look at him.

Which was very disconcerting because Richie prided himself on staring at Eddie whenever he wanted too. Half the time, Eddie had to tell him to stop because it made him want to hit him or make out with him. Richie is the most distracting person in his life for a reason.

Eddie had a feeling something was off when Richie did not wake him up in a cute way Sunday morning after the party. He had already packed all his bags and spent the morning smoking cigarettes outside. Eddie was annoyed because Richie had cut back on cigarettes considerably since they started seeing each other. It was really weird.

He got a little anxious as Richie responded to anything he said with ‘yes’, ‘no’, or ‘hmmm’. He was doing it to everyone, so Eddie thought maybe he was hungover. Eddie was certainly tired and his head was pounding even with the aspirin.

He was really worried when he finally asked Richie if he was ok and he responded with, “I am fine, Eddie.” His stomach clenched because there was no nickname, no candy pet name, just ‘Eddie’.

He knew he must have fucked up when Richie spent the entire ride home with his headphones on sleeping in the way back. Ben was really confused when Richie sat in his seat. They all were confused.

He almost had a full-on anxiety attack when Richie was dropped off. He grabbed all his stuff then came over to Eddie’s window. He went to give a goodbye kiss and Richie dodged his mouth, kissing Eddie’s cheek. He watched Richie’s retreating back as he opened the door to his house and disappeared behind it. His breathing becoming panicked as he whipped his head toward Bill.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!” Eddie screeched trying to get his breathing under control but there was a tightening in his chest that would not ease.

Bill flinched at Eddie’s high pitched yell and shushed him. It was just Stanley, Bill, and him. Eddie had a feeling Bill did this on purpose. As Eddie’s best and oldest friends, they were very attuned to what he needed and right now he needed someone to help him figure out what happened. Stanley moved to the middle seat so he could rub Eddie’s back soothingly and keep his panic attack down.

“W-well, you got drunk,” Bill said slowly as he started the car to take Eddie home.

“Yes, Bill. I think he figured out that much.” Stanley said frustratedly.

Bill’s face turned a little red in embarrassment, “Suh-suh-sorry, I was really drunk so I am useless here.”

“How did he seem when I came home though?” Eddie pressed on.

“He was scared,” Stanley said steadily. “He was definitely blaming himself for not watching you or realizing how upset you were.”

Eddie crossed his arms staring straight ahead, “I wasn’t that upset.”

“Yes, you were.” Stanley and Bill said in unison.

Eddie paused and glared at each of them. He was probably the second most stubborn of their friends, Stanley taking first place. He hated admitting when anything upset him because people think he is weak already, thanks to his mother.

“Alright,” Eddie gritted through his teeth. “I was upset and got wasted in retaliation.”

“That wasn’t so hard.” He could hear Stanley’s smug voice without even looking at him.

“Fuck you.” Eddie snapped. “We have to figure out why he is upset with me.”

“Eddie,” Bill said patiently. “Do you think all your drinking may have reminded him of…”

“His mom.” Eddie finished sadly. The three of them let that sink in for a moment. It made Eddie’s stomach churn horribly. “Maybe…we have just been getting better at communicating lately, I assumed he would tell me.”

“Richie is about as good at communicating his feelings as a wet sponge,” Stanley argued.

Bill grinned and turned to look at Stanley, “I’m telling him you said that.”

Stanley laughed, “Do it. He’ll get a better understanding of himself.”

“Should I wait to talk at school tomorrow? Or go to his place tonight?” Eddie cut in.

“Wait for school tomorrow,” Bill said immediately. His car pulled into Eddie’s driveway and he parked the car. “He juh-just needs space.”

“He was probably tired on top of being moody. Richie only has two modes: Completely obsessively invested or avoids the situation entirely. There is no in-between.” Stanley said knowingly.

“You’re right.” Eddie stayed a little longer in the car. He was playing with the edge of his shirt ringing it in a slow rhythm.

Bill placed his hands over Eddie’s. “It will be fine. Talk to him tomorrow.”

“And if it’s not fine, we will get you through that too,” Stanley added matter of factly.

“Not helping Stan,” Eddie grumbled. He got out of the car and the three of them grabbed all his stuff to take inside.

Eddie opened his front door and saw his mother in the living room, “Hi Ma!” He greeted her in his usual fake cheeriness.

“EDDIE BEAR!!!!” She said gleefully. Eddie smiled, secretly loving how much his mom seemed to miss him. Stanley and Bill said a quick hello, left Eddie’s stuff by the front and closed the door behind them. He went over to his mother’s chair and kissed her cheek lightly.

“How was this weekend, Ma?” Eddie asked. He took a seat on the couch ready to politely oblige her.

“I missed you so much. This weekend was hard without you. But…” His mom looked at her son steadily. “I did it, Eddie. I got through it.”

Eddie’s face broke out into a genuine smile, “I am so proud of you, mom. Did you do anything fun or have anyone come over?”

“I did actually! A friend from when we used to go to church…” Eddie listened and smiled as his mom talked about her weekend. She eventually asked him about how his was and he told her it was a really special experience. He expressed his appreciation that she let him go and how kind it was to let him use his Dad’s old skis. She teared up at that nodding kindly. They spent the night enjoying each other’s company for the first time in a really long time.

“Where is he?!” Eddie asked checking his watch obsessively. They were all waiting by their usual spot outside of the school and Richie had not shown yet.

“Eddie, don’t worry. Maybe he went to class already?” Mike suggested.

“Or maybe he is avoiding me,” Eddie said in such a dejected voice that Ben put his arm around his shoulders.

“It will be alright, Eddie.” Ben said kindly rubbing his arm comfortingly.

“What if he wants to break up with me?” Eddie could hear his voice get small and scared. “I must have been really bad on Saturday.”

They all looked at him with so much sympathy his heart hurt.

Beverly spoke up, “I really don’t think it was that bad. I don’t know why he is being weird.”

“Can you find out please?!” Eddie said pleadingly.

“You are seeing him first in homeroom,” Beverly reminded him. “But I will, of course, talk to him. Breathe Eddie!”

Eddie did not realize his breathing was coming in shallow and panicked. He was so anxious about Richie that his stomach hurt. He was desperately trying to keep his breakfast down.

“You’re right…you’re right. I’m sorry.” Eddie took deep breathes. Mike walked over and took Ben’s place slinging his arm around Eddie’s small frame.

“Let’s go to homeroom,” Mike said kindly. When they got to homeroom, Richie was sitting in his seat reading.

“Richie…” Eddie sighed in relief. Richie looked up smiled hesitantly then went back to reading. That relief quickly turned to anger. He lowered his voice and poked Richie’s side, “What the fuck.”

“What?” Richie jerked at being poked but kept his eyes down.

“Why are you acting weird?!” Eddie asked annoyed.

“Let’s talk later.” Richie said shortly.

Eddie kept glaring at Richie every chance he got during class. Mike ended up throwing a paper ball at the back of his head to get him to stop. He threw it in a rage, without thinking, back at Mike and the teacher caught him. “Detention Mr. Kaspbrak! Report there after school!” Their teacher yelled.

“Shit…” Eddie whispered under his breath. “Mom’s going to fucking kill me.”

“Tell her it was my fault.” Richie whispered.

Eddie frowned at him, “You want her to hate you?” Richie shrugged nonchalantly.

This made Eddie so angry he could not speak. His face was on fire with embarrassment and rage. The rest of class went by with Eddie slowly but surely losing his mind. He could feel Richie distancing himself which freaked Eddie out.

They had their second class together and Eddie could not even focus. He decided to try grilling Richie on his behavior.

“What is your fucking problem?” Eddie hissed.

“It’s not a big deal, Eddie. Chill.” Richie tried to say evenly but his voice gave away the lie.

“You are lying. Why are you lying to me? I thought we weren’t doing that bullsiht.” Eddie said barely containing his emotions.

“Later!” Richie insisted.

“No, Richie! Now!” Eddie banged his hand on the desk. Some of his classmates looked at him but he ignored them. Richie shook his head, “Always such a spitfire.”

“Can you just fucking tell me what is going on?!”

“Eds…I will later. Please stop.” Richie’s eyes were starting to shine and his hands were clenched.

Eddie knew he should let it go for now, but could not get himself to do it. “Why can’t you just tell me? You are being such an ass right now.”

“Eddie, just FUCKING STOP!” Richie’s voice rose and the whole class went silent looking at him. The teacher glared at him indignantly, “Detention after school, Mr. Tozier.”

“Fuck,” Richie sighed putting his face in his hands. They did not talk for the rest of the day. Even at lunch, they would not talk or look at each other. Eddie was so angry he could barely form sentences and Richie just looked depressed. Their friends tried to act normal talking about the weekend.

“But oh my god, Bill was such a fucking HERO on Saturday night!” Beverly said proudly. Bill turned a little pink letting her tell the story. “I was dancing with the guy from Vermont, Kyler, and he was absolutely getting handsy. I probably would have walked away soon, even if Richie had not yelled at me to find Stanley.”

“I cannot believe he was such an ass to you.” Mike shook his head disapprovingly.

“I can.” Ben grumbled.

Beverly put her hand over Ben’s, “I’m ok, really.” Ben smiled at her sweetly. “Anyway, I tried to get away from him to find Stanley and he snatched my wrist saying shit like ‘Come on baby stay with me’. I stomped on his foot but he grabbed my waist pulling me into him. It was horrible. Then Bill comes FLYING out of nowhere and lands a punch to the guys face. I was in complete shock. He was literally knocked out cold.”

“Good thing too. It made the fight end sooner.” Mike said appreciatively. “It was amazing.”

“It was not amazing for those who had to pry him off the guy,” Stanley mumbled.

Eddie let their voices wash over him stuck in his thoughts about everything that happened on Saturday night. He must have said something when he was blackout. He wished he could remember.

At some point, Richie asked Beverly if she wanted to go for a smoke. Her eyes flickered to Eddie’s then she followed him out of the cafeteria. Eddie left for class shortly after them because he could not stand the rest of the guys staring at him.

Richie and Eddie did not talk until detention. The teacher watching them for roughly 20 minutes before making an excuse to leave the classroom. He locked them in not specifying when he would be back.

Eddie took the opportunity to properly talk with Richie, “We need to talk.” He said seriously from the desk he was sitting at.

“Ok…what do you want to talk about?” Richie asked casually putting his hands in his pockets and slouching in his seat.

Eddie got up from the desk and went to hover in front of Richie. He put his hands on the desk staring down at him. He took a deep breath then let it out through his mouth making a wheezing noise, “I want to say I am sorry.”

Richie was silent for a moment then a frown slowly formed on his face, “What are you sorry for?”

“For…for getting drunk on Saturday.” Eddie said obviously.

Richie shook his head a little, “I don’t care about that.”

“You don’t? I was worried…because of everything you deal with your mom…”

“Fucking hell, Eddie, I don’t care. I mean I do care. But you being drunk is cute and you are so affectionate.” Richie said in exasperation. Then added dismissively, “I was drunk too so it would be hypocritical to be mad about that.”

“I’m not cute,” Eddie responded automatically. Richie rolled his eyes. Whenever they fought in such a real way, it seemed like they went to their base emotions. Richie keeping everything hidden just like he does with his family and Eddie being aggressively pushy. It terrified Eddie because it was reminiscent of his mother. “Ok, then tell me what happened on Saturday night?”

“A lot.” Richie kept his gaze anywhere but toward Eddie. His cheeks tinted pink as if he was embarrassed.

Eddie would not be tolerating any skirting around the situation. “I mean fucking obviously. Jesus Richie, talk to me.”

Richie cleared his throat, “You really want to fucking know?”

“I really FUCKING do.” Eddie said harshly.

Finally, Richie met his eyes defiantly. “Well, you made out with me in public and it was sexy as hell.”

“I’m not sexy.” Eddie blurted out immediately his face heating up.

Richie’s mouth almost broke into a smile. “You said you were horny for me always.” He said proudly. “Using my own words against me like a monster.”

Eddie gaped at him. This conversation was making his stomach turn horribly. He could not believe how stupid his drunk self-behaved. “This is so horrible.”

Richie continued ignoring Eddie, “You straddled me and tried to put your hands down my pants.”

Eddie felt himself turn fully red, gulping loudly, “Oh my god…I did?”

“But I stopped it, knowing you would never do that sober,” Richie said sympathetically.

Eddie’s eyes stung with unshed tears at the realization that Richie truly understood him like no one else. He was dating the perfect person for him. At least, he hoped they were still dating. “I’m sorry if I pressured you in any way. That was completely unacceptable of me.”

“You were drunk.”

“That’s not an excuse.” Eddie insisted.

“Eddie, I wanted it. I always want more with us.” Richie said softly. Eddie’s eyes searched Richie’s with curiosity. They never had any kind of talk about going further in their relationship than kissing or some touching with shirts off. They had only been dating a couple months but had been best friends forever. Everything felt so much faster when you were with someone who knew you from the inside out.

Eddie’s inexperience made him nervous beyond belief and he constantly worried this hindrance would make Richie bored. Except Richie never seemed bored, only desperate to be closer. Which is exactly how Eddie felt right now. While they were in Vermont, it was freeing to be a couple that kissed and held hands. Even just simply letting their eyes linger on each other without abandon. It made Eddie need, no, CRAVE Richie’s affection. Eddie had spent so much time suppressing these feelings, he convinced himself he did not need them. Right now, he wanted to touch, kiss Richie, and be as close with him as two people could be.

“We’ll um…circle back to that. So what the hell did I do to make you internally freak out all day?” Eddie pushed.

Richie looked conflicted then he stood up pacing for a little bit. Eddie watched him, waiting for an answer. Finally, Richie took a deep breath, “You said ‘I love you’.”

Eddie’s whole being froze, “No…no way.”

“It was slurred but you definitely did.” Richie insisted firmly. There was a seriousness in his voice that was completely unfamiliar. Then Eddie’s head started to throb. His breathing quickened as his heart thumped uncomfortably. He tapped his chest to stop the incoming panic attack. Richie waited patiently for him to calm down enough before continuing.

Richie lowered his voice to almost a whisper, “And Eddie, I know I love you too.”

The panic was coming in full. His eyes were prickling with tears as he took gasping breaths. Richie stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him. His warmth and strength seeming to pass right into Eddie’s very being. Eddie returned the hug taking shaky breathes with his head buried in Richie’s shirt.

Richie spoke softly but clearly in his ear, “I have been freaking out since you said it because I can count on my hand the number of times my parents have told me they loved me. None of those times are within the last several years.”

Eddie’s heartfelt cold thinking about the Toziers treatment of Richie. Someone willing to bring laughter and joy to whoever he met, even when it was entirely inappropriate, should only receive happiness.

“And I have joked plenty of times about you being the love of my life but I used the humor to hide behind the truth.” Richie plunged forward without a care, “I am terrified. How can you possibly love me when I have never truly felt it and how can I love you when I don’t know what love is?” Eddie’s heart switched to warmth at his honesty. He could always count on Richie to be the most real thing in the world.

Eddie pulled his face away not looking directly at Richie but still clinging to him. “Rich, you do know what love is. You’ve shown me love every moment of every day since we were kids.” Eddie let his eyes slowly meet Richie’s.

Richie stared back skeptically, “You always hated it though, I just assumed I wasn’t doing it right.”

Eddie tightened his arms around Richie as if he could lose him at any moment. “You show love exactly the way I need it.”

They were silent as those words sunk in. Eddie wanted to kiss Richie more than he could say but knew it was not the right moment.

Eddie took a shaky breath, “I want to say something romantic as fuck like that loving you comes as easy as breathing, but we both know I can’t breathe for shit.” Eddie said in exasperation. Richie looked at him, his eyes widened, then he laughed.

“Oh, me confessing my love to you is funny?” Eddie pulled away crossing his arms. He was trying desperately to keep a straight face but could not stop a smile from forming. Richie was bent over in hysterical laughter grabbing his side. His laughter was like loud beautiful music to Eddie’s ears. He slowly calmed down wiping at the tears of mirth that had fallen.

“You are truly the funniest person I know,” Richie said fondly.

Eddie’s stomach did a backflip. He felt the need to touch him again, to make sure they were truly going to be alright. He went to reach for him but Richie caught his wrist. His eyes flicked to Richie’s and he could see his defenses completely fallen and be replaced with a panicked desperation.

He didn’t know if he leaned into Richie first or if Richie pulled him closer. Most likely both, but they smashed together and Richie was kissing him.

All of Eddie’s fears and insecurities faded into the background. There was just Richie’s familiar taste of candy and cigarettes. Eddie moaned, not being able to control himself because every part of his body was tingling with excitement.

“Richie,” He murmured against his lips, not taking his mouth away for fear he would never get them back. Richie leaned into him kissing harder, his hands burying themselves in Eddie’s hair.

Eddie found Richie’s hips letting his hands slide up under Richie’s shirt. Richie jerked with surprise, then relaxed. Eddie ran his fingers lightly over Richie’s sides giving them both goosebumps. Richie brought his own hands down Eddie’s arms, over his chest, his torso, finally finding Eddie’s belt loops and pulled him closer. The close contact made Eddie gasp and Richie deepened their kiss.

Richie’s mouth left Eddie’s and Eddie felt the hot pressure of lips trailing down his chin, throat, and neck. Richie started to suck and lick leaving a mark at the base of his neck. Eddie sighed contentedly trying to will his legs not to give out.

“Where did you learn to do this?” Eddie said breathlessly. Richie detached his lips from Eddie’s neck with a loud pop. He blew on the mark making Eddie shiver.

Richie’s eyes met Eddie’s seriously, “Your mom taught me.”

“Fuck yo-“ But Richie’s lips went back to Eddie’s effectively cutting him off. Eddie bit down on Richie’s lower lip making the taller boy gasp for once. Eddie ran his tongue along the bite.

Richie’s hands moved from Eddie’s belt loops to his hips then slowly over his behind. Eddie broke into a grin then was giggling into Richie’s mouth. Richie pulled away smiling but completely confused.

“Sorry Rich - “ Eddie kept giggling. “ - you putting your hands on my ass is just so weird.”

“I grab your ass sometimes!” Richie said defensively as he added pressure to Eddie’s behind.

“And it always makes me laugh!” Eddie chuckled breathlessly.

“Beverly was right that I needed to just talk it out with you.” Richie confessed as Eddie kissed his cheek.

Richie smiled goofily at Eddie, “I love you so much, Edward Kaspbrak.”

Eddie made a face at being called by his whole name but brought his hand up to run through Richie’s hair.

“I love you too, Richard Tozier.”

Mature Ending

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