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#dysphoria

I frequently feel that I’m not “trans enough”

The dysphoria I experience isn’t crushing. It isn’t usually overwhelming. It’s hardly ever accute, more general. It doesn’t feel “enough.” I put enough in quotes because there is no real quota. If this is how I feel, it’s how I feel. But it’s hard not to read the posts of those with crippling dysphoria and not feel like I’m being some sort of imposter, claiming resources that they deserve more. And then my mind spirals. It starts to worry I made everything up. That if I were truly trans that I would have no doubt about my dysphoria.

I also know this is incredibly common. There must be at least a dozen other posts on this website that are almost what I said verbatim. I know I shouldn’t worry too much. It’s still a bit strange though, seeing the experiences of trans folks with much more dysphoria than I. I still feel unworthy.

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  • I lay quietly in my bed shaking
  • Crying without making noise so no one hears me
  • So I don’t have to explain why

  • I want to be safely objectified so badly
  • I hate that I feel bad for wanting that
  • I want to be called hot but not in a “girl” way
  • I want people to fantasize about me
  • I want them to tell me
  • I want the people I’m attracted to to be attracted to me
  • I want queer people to want me
  • I want trans people to want me
  • I want cis men to be the only people who see me as invisible,
    instead of everyone except them

  • A couple people have called me hot but I don’t believe them
  • I feel like they’re just being nice

  • I want to be seen
  • I want to see myself
  • I don’t eat a lot so I can be thinner; straight lines, flat
  • I want new clothes
  • I need new clothes
  • I can’t go shopping because nothing is open

  • I’m trapped in my home, trapped in this huge female body
  • A body used by men since I was 6, for their pleasure and pain
  • I’m just a brain, and even then

  • I feel so old
  • Even though I look young
  • People find out my age 
  • And it’s weird and then I’m disqualified
  • I feel so alone with that
  • I hate “age”
  • This obsession with youth
  • Which is shit because I’m more powerful, more full of magic, wisdom, kindness, evolution and beauty than I ever have been
  • (And tbh, that’s pretty fucking hot)

  • I hate my breasts
  • They’re too big
  • And gravity has done its job
  • And that makes me feel older, uglier, more female than I’m not
  • Someone’s mom, someone’s old bitch wife

  • I don’t care if I get my period
  • It just feels like I’m bleeding internally 
  • Which makes sense because I constantly feel like I’m dying
  • Even when that feeling is largely silent

  • Who could ever want me
  • Who could ever find me attractive, want to touch me when I don’t even want to touch myself
  • When I do it’s been weeks, sometimes a month
  • And I don’t ever really spontaneously feel pleasure
  • I just think, oh, it’s been a while, might as well get it over with
  • I’ve had very little queer sex
  • So little I’m ashamed
  • And I can’t have sex without an emotional connection
  • But everyone just wants a mother, if they don’t want a lover
  • The very few who do find me attractive, I don’t feel the same way about
  • How am I ever going to find a monogamous queer/trans partner who isn’t poly and doesn’t want to be, who only wants me
  • Where are the queers my own age
  • They’re married or fucking everyone else
  • And the pool is so goddamn small, and we’re forever eating our own

  • My youth as a queer person was stolen from me
  • I started life in a microscopically small town 
  • But I was given parents who encouraged my gender
  • Except I got the shit beat out of me everyday
  • For showing up in clothes the same as the boys
  • For wanting to play with them, be like them
  • So I put the requisite costume on and played by the rules
  • Then I found the queer community, almost too late, and the worst part
  • Was that they only saw me as a cis woman
  • So I was still on the outside
  • The binary world wanted me to be a woman
  • And the queer community has treated me like I am one

  • I hate everyone who gets to live in the body that they can afford to make
  • I hate everyone who people obsess over
  • I hate them so much I want to die
  • I want to rip my skin off so I’m nothing but guts, so I’m as ugly and as horrifying as I feel
  • I hate myself
  • I want to die today

  • I don’t want this fucking body that betrayed me, that got away from me
  • My body is a fucking stupid hot air balloon that filled up too fast
  • I want to throw sharp objects at it
  • I want to put rocks in it, make it heavy, sink it so I can finally be free

  • The format of this writing is wrong
  • Like me
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Dysphoria kann etwas unfassbar hilfreiches sein. Vielleicht mag dies erstmal komisch klingen, doch immer wenn ich hinterfrage, was ich wirklich für Veränderungen brauche hilft sie mir diese Entscheidung zu treffen.

Grade bei den geschlechtsangleichenden Operationen im Intimbereich hilft sie mir diese Entscheidung zu treffen. Was brauche ich um mich in meinem Körper wohl zu fühlen? Was brauche ich, damit ich mich beim umziehen nicht völlig falsch fühle? Was brauche ich um die Art der Sexualität zu leben, nach der ich ein Bedürfnis habe? Die Antwort auf diese Fragen ist immer eindeutiger und das verdanke ich meiner Dysphoria in verschiedene Situationen.

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It sucks to know that testosterone might literally stop my physical health problems and chronic pain but I can’t take it yet because my parents “don’t want me to”, “don’t know I’m trans” and “think I should see a doctor”.

Thanks for your assistance I have seen a doctor. They did what doctors do best and ignore my symptoms assumed I wanted the pill and when I said I didn’t they gave me pain meds that did jack shit.

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image

I’ve always hated my thighs, they make me feel really dysphoric because of how curvy & feminine they make me look…. However, I’ve lost some thigh fat due to all the working out I’ve been doing and I am starting to feel more confident about them.

.

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dysphoria in the summer is probably one of the worst things i have to deal with. it hasnt even started and im already feeling so exhausted struggling to feel okay. dont wish this on anyone. seeing people happily transition and get top surgery is great and all but it triggers me the most knowing that im not able to. im so tired 

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hiya i need to vent, so ignore this if you must but if anyone could help… i’m dysphoric asf everywhere, so in my physed classes i usually would wear hoodies with sweatpants. now that lockdown has been lifted where i live my physed teacher has become ‘worried’ about the way i dress even though he never has been??? he EMAILED MY MOM??? like??? tf dude??? so now i have to come up with a solution, but i can’t wear something normal for physed and i have to wear something that i will be dysphoric in and will definitely 100% cause me to have panic attacks… please, if anyone has ANY advice for me, help. i can’t come out yet, but please please please help me. please.

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Being dead named and misgendered consistently for days after not having been for months is so weird. Like. You get used to it and you feel great, then suddenly you’re around people that still see you as someone else. And you have to deal with it. You can’t say anything unless you want to spark an argument. But hearing that name fills you with many emotions. Like anger or sadness or just plain discomfort. I genuinely forgot how something so simple was so dysphoria inducing. It really isn’t hard to respect someone else’s identity. At all. Doing such a small gesture helps more than cis people will ever know

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