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#ed recovery

ive said it before and i will say it again but i absolutely hate the concept of “compliance” in ed recovery (and just in general). getting someone to be “compliant” implies coercion. compliance is the opposite of consensual and collaborative treatment. compliance is a tool of white supremacy and capitalism. i don’t strive to be a compliant client for the sake of my providers. and im thankful that my providers explicitly say that they trust me, continually ask for my consent, and allow me to make my own choices, even when it isn’t what they would recommend or choose for me.

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So I don’t talk about it on this blog but I’m going into residential treatment for my ed!! I’ve been in recovery for months and physically I’m fine but mentally my head is a hell hole so that’s why I’m going. I have a TON of posts in my queue so my blog will still be running while I’m gone but yeah, I won’t actually be online for a bit. I’m sure no one will see this lmao but just giving a heads up anyway !!

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Okay my dudes, finally going into residential treatment for my ed!! Physically I’m fine but mentally shit SUCKS so that’s why I’m going. I have an absolute fuck ton of posts in my queue so my blog will still be running but yeah, I won’t actually be online for a bit. I’m sure no one will see this lmao but just giving a heads up anyway !!

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Ways to keep going on a bad day 💜

1. Stick to a basic meal plan and food you are comfortable with

2. Dress in loose comfy clothes

3. Take things slowly and be gentle with yourself. It’s ok not to be productive.

4. You can restart at any point. A bad day doesn’t have to mean a relapse.

5. Bad days don’t equal restriction

6. Reach out to people around you for accountability

7. Remember how far you’ve come and how brave and resilient you are

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26•5•20

today’s recovery wins 😝🤘🏻💪🏼 challenged my fear of unplanned extras on top of my meal plan at breakfast with extra half cup of cereal and a mini choc croissant free with my coffee from my favourite coffee shop ☕️ and then at lunch i had creamy carbonara, garlic pizza and a beer! not only challenging my fear of hot meals, but red meat, creamy sauces, pasta and bread whuuuuuut. my soul sister, best friend, friend soul mate i met in treatment have been talking bout eating at this italian restaurant after a particularly awful dinner inpatient. today we cheers’d to freedom and finally all being discharged. sharing extra garlicky pizza and smashing huge bowls of pasta 🍝and my favourite chocolate as afternoon tea when the munchies hit after a big sesh 💨 having such terrible body image has been having a huge impact on me and the cause of so much guilt and anxiety, especially after the night of me listening to and honouring my extreme hunger yesterday. i’m noticing so much change in my body and i can’t put off going clothes shopping much longer. the anxiety of too small bras & and undies (and so they should because i’m a grown adult and shouldn’t have a reason to fit in children’s clothes) that dig in vs. the anxiety that clothes shopping and being a different clothes size brings 😥 i wish i could put my head on mute and stop having to listen to this berating guilt. after 10 years of failed attempts at recovery and relapses, i’ve seen plenty treatment professionals and know logically, my body needs a lot more calories than the average joe or the recommended guidelines. does that make the guilt any less? also no

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Part of me misses my vent ed blog but god man, that community is so toxic.

But it is also hard to end every post here on a positive note. Times are tough and I am struggling and therapy isnt really working out atm.

On the other hand. Im not even sure if therapy can even help. Talking about what i go through each week… it doesnt make it worse but if they dont help me find new ways to cope or improve my coping… why am i even there?

So many issues i want to talk about in therapy, and even if we touch those subjects we always stray. I find it hard to get back to my train of thought and would like a therapist that can actually guide me in therapy and not just sit there and listen to me ramble.

They should make a tinder for therapists and people who need therapy.

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26.5. 2020

Hungover and i wanna die out from my misery, i didn’t even had that much booze (2-3 jäger shots) my body just went kaputt i guess. Uhhg

Also with my recovery i am now 47 kg (about 100 lb). So a little happy note :)

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The ED is a coping mechanism. When things feel really uncomfortable, or I’m depressed, or anxious, my first instinct is to make that feeling go away. And my eating disorder would help to numb that pain or discomfort. But I don’t need it. And I don’t need to numb the pain.

I can get through it. I can sit with those feelings and they will go away. And I don’t need the eating disorder to get through it. I am strong and I’m a fighter. Recovery is way better than being stuck with my ED, I no longer what it around.

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(ptw face comparison pic)

there’s only 9 days in between these two photos. Last week sitting in a medical ward, being fed via ng tubes, vs. this week, back home in my apartment in the city, doing the best i have ever have post discharge, waiting for her best friends to arrive to go italian for lunch. life is coming back into my eyes, my cheeks no longer sunken, my face no longer grey, the huge bags under my eyes are starting to fade with decent nights sleeps. there’s a minimal difference in weight between these pictures. the real difference is in nourishment, motivation, and hope. you don’t have to be ready to recover, you just have to be willing. i have seen what giving up and residing to living with your eating disorder does, i lived it. it’s not a life. you may still be alive but by no means are you living. in these past two weeks i’ve been journaling multiple times a day (well really it’s actually been a habit since i was about 14, i’ve journaled everyday in some form since and have stacks and stacks of notebooks lol), seizing opportunities to delve further into self understanding. learning what function does my eating disorder serve me? why have i had to hold onto it so close to cope with life’s roller coaster? quotes, poems, poignant streams of conciousness, all joted down to be read further into. learning how my brain works, and using that to explore deeper into my own understandings is the most empowering tool in recovery! just as the opposite to addiction isn’t sobriety, but in fact connection, without connection our eating disorders thrive depriving us of a real life 💭✨

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pros of working 12+ hours straight on a holiday/day off

  • didn’t binge and purge
  • stayed sober
  • felt relatively productive & accomplished

cons of working 12+ hours straight on a holiday/day off

  • didn’t eat enough
  • imposter syndrome flared up
  • didn’t get to enjoy the beautiful weather
  • missed my yoga class
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26•5•20

body image is absolute trash today 😥 showering was an EVENT because it just led to body checking and anxiety skyrocketing. but i’m going out to lunch with my two best friends at our favourite italian place today to celebrate the three of us being out of hospital and i’m not going to let my shitty body image stop me from ordering delicious pasta, garlic bread and good red wine😍😅🤤 put my fave overalls on and doing my makeup now as a bit of self care and hopefully it’ll boost my self image and thoughts 💭 def gotta remember to take my valium with me lol i’m freaking out already even though i know what i’m ordering (because i’ve already obsessed over the menu online) 🙃 hope everyone is well and remember to do at least one thing today that’s good for your soul ✨💗

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When I became thinner a lot of people started to give me compliments about my appearance, they wondered at my willpower and said how strong I was. That I became more beautiful in their eyes.

I was happy, of course, I had been waiting for it for so long. But deep inside I was freaking scared.

Almost all of us somehow is dissatisfied with their appearance, more or less but every person has faced such a problem. I’m not the exception. Why do we feel like this? The answer is easy - every of us wants to be loved.

In our society there is such a myth that when the person has a perfect facial features, ideal body and good clothes she/he has all the chances to find those who treat him/her with love and kindness. That everything that is mentioned above is an important element for everyone who wants to be accepted by others.

This is the easiest way. Just change your appearance. And what scares me most of all? It works

When people compliment me when they see me in my new weight, my new appearance my biggest fear comes true. Was it so important to lose weight in order to become beautiful?

Different thoughts start to appear in my mind. For example, why the appearance is given so much attention? Why is it so important for others? What will be if I gain the weight back? Will I become less attractive again? And the main question: was I beautiful before the weight lose?

It scares me. Scares that people, including me, believe that weight lose means so much. That body can bring the anxiety. And that I know the answers for all of the questions

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Tried to be ok this weekend. Still binged. And my husband got angry at something at brought up that the only reason I’m going to IOP is because my therapist convinced me to. Ouch. But I mean he did apologize later.

Still don’t have a start date either. Until after my dr appointment Thursday

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