#education has been my priority since fucking grade schools

[theliterarywolf]

So with you an anon discussing the terrible conditions of your schools and how all the money go to bullshit like P.E, basketball courts, uniforms etc

Lemme tell you some funny stories, you think California sucks? The deep south is WORSE

My mother went to a middle school sometime in the 70s, while playing volleyball in the gym she spiked the ball so hard it broke an upper window.

It was never fixed and by the time I entered that school in the mid 2000s it was still broken

.Same school was notorious for the heater to always be busted, same with the AC. my 7th grade English class was the worst with temperature since the windows faced the sun, and so we'd cook like weenies over an open fire

The female locker room bathrooms were never took care of and middle school girls are barbarians and would doodle dicks, and offensive language all over the walls and mirrors

The mirrors were confiscated afterwords

By the time I enrolled in high school it was worse, the textbooks hadn't been updated since the Civil rights era (holy fucking shit southern 60's something textbooks were TRASH) and one textbook I got was my mom's and i yelped when i saw her name scrawled in it

The high school had busted old soda machines that were just left to rot int he cafeteria and were a constant reminder that we can't have nothing nice

Oh but we can definitely afford NEW GODAMN MAC BOOKS JESUS GOD

And last but not least, back in the mid 2000s there was a devastating tornadoe that hit the neighboring town to ours and decimated the local high school there. Just wiped it off the fucking map.

SO OUR TOWN got super butt hurt when the president came down and gave funds to help rebuild the school and wanted a new high school as well

Once they secured the funds to build it sometime in the 2010s they went nuts trying to have it built before the next school year, so instead of replacing outdated textbooks, repairing the ventilation and other issues they decided NOPE WANT NEW SCHOOL NOW

Hilarious though nobody realized until too late that the new school was built on several sink holes, we lost a school bus to one I shit you not and now the school is sinking making the building lopsided as all hell

In summary all the money are schools received went to a brand new school that's half sunk in the ground, and shit for the football team

Not to take the Lord's name in vain but Jesus fucking Christ.

And it's so fucking blatant that education in the U.S. is just being sidelined in the priority scale. Like, yes: we don't need to push the narrative that kids HAVE to go to college to have successful lives. But holy fucking shite, K-12 has to be able to properly teach kids 'Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic' and Critical Thinking so that students can leave schools with at least basic comprehension and calculating skills.

There are far too many districts and school administrations that either focus too much on the fluff (sports, aesthetics, and 'Customer Service') or who have given up on their students completely so they just dump tax dollars into shite that really doesn't help student success in the long run but, hey! It's educational, so it must be good, right?

THE PRE-AP 'CURRICULUM' IS FUCKING BULLSHIT, and if you are a parent whose teen comes home with an English class syllabus that says 'Our class utilizes a PreAP system', you need to either hit the dash or call the district and lodge a complaint. Because that shite is useless and it's just school districts paying CollegeBoard for access to a nonsense website and workbooks and the ability to say 'we prep students for college'.

[kittymsmithwritesstuff]

What instruments do you think the legends would play?

Ho boy -

Bloodhound: In line with old Icelandic and Norse instruments, possibly a lyre of some kind. Probably tried out guitar when they started interacting with the modern world more but never really got into it.

Gibraltar: Canonly plays the uke and honestly that’s just his vibe yo. Dude likes to chill. Also probably didn’t wanna bother learning anything more complex. Proooobably slacked off on music lessons in school.

Lifeline: In line with having a higher education, piano and harp. She’s pretty damn good at but prefers the piano; she was in lessons from toddlerhood all the way up until she left home at 19. She avoids both in favor of the drums.

Pathfinder: Tesla coils that he codes to play hot cross buns. Mirage will sometimes mess with his Tesla coils, so they play the Death March from Star Wars.

Wraith: Honestly, don’t think she can play any. Not her priority. Can whistle a fine tune and knows several, though she has no idea when or where she picked this skill up. She likes to imagine she was some kind of whistle aficionado in the 3rd grade. Seems like something a kid would do.

Bangalore: Also piano, her Nana taught her because “Lord forbid a girl don’t know how to play an instrument”. Bangalore never really understood what Nana meant by that, since she said the same thing about all her brothers. Unlike Lifeline, Bangalore actually really enjoys playing when she can and usually subs in when the piano player at her church is out. Also can pluck a guitar a little bit from what Jackson taught her, but after he went missing she couldn’t bring herself to learn any more, or play. He’d be really disappointed, but she tries not to think about it.

Caustic: He’s a clarinet hoe. His mom thought it would help him socialize. All it taught him was that he hated the clarinet. And the guy who played the triangle because he never hit it on time. Fuck, he hated that guy.

Mirage: Literally just Inchworm on the piano. He filled up all his brain space with engineering stuff, cocktail recipes and his own top 10 Apex plays.

Octane: The only thing he had the attention span and want to learn was the jaw harp, ‘cause it was one of the weirdest things he could think of at the time. He was also motivated because it pissed off his dad and wives number 3-5. 6 was actually pretty chill with it. He does technically know how to play the piano and violin through lessons he was forced into, but he’s elected to forget everything. Would probably shred an electric guitar if he got interested enough to learn it because he, as a rule, is actually really good/smart about things he cares about.

Wattson: She’s the one that showed Path you could make music with Tesla coils. She likes to use them to recreate classical pieces. She found if she puts on her suit and stands between two of them, she can make her own music. This freaked Wraith the fuck out the first time she showed her, even though she knew she’d be okay.

Crypto: He can’t play any actual instruments, but he can use one of those music creation programs to make beats or arrange instruments as if he had an orchestra to control. Dude couldn’t have really afforded an instrument or lessons growing up by my guess, but he had some kind of access to a computer, and if anything, he could have pirated the program, so that’s why he probably can’t play anything outside of it. Started playing with classical music more when he and Wattson became friends.

Revenant: As a human? Probably nothing. As a Sim? One time he took two femurs to a guy’s ribcage and managed a decent rendition of hot cross buns.

Loba: Once she got to the point where she blended into high society instead of just trying to hide within it, she got herself piano, flute and violin lessons. Piano is a pretty standard instrument in the homes and event halls of the rich, and she frequently uses it to impress high profile guests. Violin is equally respectable and easily portable. She learned the flute as an extra “in case” instrument, one that is still acceptable, but a little more unexpected and unique for clients that might appreciate that. In short, it’s all about strategy for her.

Rampart: She can play happy birthday with armpit farts. (She has been banned from doing this at parties. Except for Octane’s, he encourages it). She also is like those guys that play things like jingle bells by shooting different metal disks in bumfuck nowhere. I love her.

Mary: Pan flute. She learned it for DND as a young teenager. Has dressed up as a woodland elf for Halloween multiple times. Will play funny tunes at seemingly inappropriate times as a way to cheer people up; it almost always works.

Fuse: We know that dude shreds the electric guitar 100 percent. Plays exclusively old fucker music. A favorite at parties.

Valkyrie: Never bothered to learn, can play literally nothing. She can keep a beat just fine and dance pretty well, but she had other things to dedicate her time to and neither of her parents were musically inclined.

Seer: He’s one of those people that can just pick up an instrument and play it; all the traditional ones, some less mainstream like the oboe or something. Had done jaw harp duets with Octane. A virtuoso. Would probably be able to play even more instruments than he already can if he stopped playing so much pinball in his spare time.

#apex legends #apex legends headcanons #bloodhound apex legends #gibraltar apex legends #lifeline apex legends #pathfinder apex legends #wraith apex legends #bangalore apex legends #caustic apex legends #mirage apex legends #octane apex legends #wattson apex legends #crypto apex legends #revenant apex legends #loba apex legends #rampart apex legends #horizon apex legends #fuse apex legends #valkyrie apex legends #seer apex legends #apex legends headcannons #anon ask #km writes

[thechekhov]

Would you say you’re good at math? And I don’t want to ask such a vague question so let’s say the standards for how “good” you are at math depends on your age. Or the culture around you. Dependent on the people around you, would you say you can do math well? Or at least can grasp the concepts well? Because, in my opinion, how intelligent you are is based on how quickly you understand something and not how much you know.

I would say... I find this question a bit misguided. 

First of all, I you mention that you want to find out how quickly one picks up a concept has some link to their intelligence. And you may very well find proof for this theory, sure! But since you asked me I wanna say - I’m not convinced that it is as simple as you’re making it out to be, nor am I sure how math is a good vector for this discussion.

I personally believe in the theory that intellect is

 Not a static thing - changes depending on your experience, how old you are, how tired you are, how stressed you are, etc. 

 Not measurable across several different ‘types’ - there is social intelligence, spatial intelligence, numerical intelligence, tactile intelligence, etc. 

 Not capable of being standardized enough to be useful as a tool for judging other people with. 

We’ve all heard about judging a fish by asking it to climb a tree, but I concede... 

Anyway, let’s take us back to your math question.

Am I good at math?

Well, for one thing, I appreciate that you took cultural context and age into account. So you’re judging me, presumably, against my peers who have been, again, presumably, exposed to the same amount of standardized math education. So far so good.

I was terrible at math in elementary school in Russia. I got very bad marks because my handwriting was atrocious and I didn’t get fractions. Then I went to America, and suddenly math was easy for some reason. I had, in fact, missed a year of math due to my immigration to the US, but then was put into a slightly higher-level class in Middle School. I was semi-comfortable in math in high school and often helped out others in Trig and Pre-Calc, but lost track of concepts after that and haven’t taken a single math course since.

Here’s where our yardstick of ‘how quickly you understand something’ falls away into a stretch of silly-putty. 

I have spent close to a decade without having taken a single math course. 

So - am I good at math? Right now? 

No. I’m terrible.

Was I good at math before?

Sure, at one point.

When I had a good teacher. When I enjoyed going to school. When I had a relatively peaceful home life and didn’t have other things to stress about. When I had access to other people who were good at math who could help me out. 

So the real question isn’t really about how well I pick up concepts. It’s also about my environment, about my mental capacity for picking up new information, about whether or not I had the emotional stability to focus extra energy on math vs., eh, I dunno, fending off my homophobic parents. 

(For example, I was an ok student until grade 10, when my mother began to suspect I was gay and my home life tanked and my grades tanked with it). 

So you ask - am I good at math? 

The real answer is: I have no fucking clue. 

Being ‘good’ at a subject is so subjective. You have SO many things to consider beyond just cultural context and age and available education opportunities. You also have to consider how much energy a person is willing to expand on thinking about that thing. About how much they decide to care about it. Because yeah, when I was relatively comfortably closeted, I fuckin LOVED thinkin’ about Trig. I could allot my braincells to it. But after I had other priorities in my life like ‘don’t let mom find you using the wrong pronouns’ and etc, you bet your ass my Shits-To-Give about Pre-Calc flattened to Z E R O and absolutely no one could convince me looking at some Funky Numbers was gonna be worth my time. 

The real issue with asking people these questions is that you are trying to judge a person by how good they are at something - but that’s not something that is static, nor something that you can ever see in full. The effort it takes someone to be good at something is always invisible to onlookers. Someone could be really good at a thing and expand no energy on it. Someone could also be really good at something but spend all their time practicing to be good at that thing.

And in the end, the important thing is - DOES IT MATTER? 

How ‘intelligent’ someone is doesn’t define their worth. Whether or not to interact with them. How ‘good’ a person they are. I’ve met people who were, by all definitions, Dumb because they didn’t succeed in the arbitrary education system, or because they didn’t test well, or didn’t do well under pressure when asked rapid questions. But they were incredibly caring and had a social intellect WAY beyond my own and were much more successful. 

I’ve also met plenty of ‘smart’ people who thought that the fact that they were living cushy lives and were free to binge-read wikipedia articles instead of working part-time jobs to support their family at age 15 meant that they were somehow ‘more intelligent’ than some poor, exhausted kid who was using their energy to survive instead of memorizing random formulas. 

And I get that you’re trying to level the playing field, I really do - but no matter how much you struggle to compare me to other people who are like me, or to other people still, our experience of learning math will nonetheless be different for such a variety of reasons that in the end, whatever answer you get will be absolutely pointlessly empty.  

... I realize that this also sounds very lecture-y but this is something that’s very close to my heart because SO many people think themselves ‘dumb’ for not understanding things ‘quickly enough’, for taking time to grasp something despite being dead tired, for needing someone else to explain it to them in different words... for not succeeding in a system that only really measures one thing - one VERY narrow ability - The ability to Learn Information By Listening To a Lecture And Looking At A Blackboard For 45 Minutes Every Day, 5 Days A Week While Ignoring Other Real-Life Pressures You May Or May Not Be Facing.

And some of us may be really good at that.

But please, let’s not pretend that that somehow makes us smarter.

...

In my opinion, the real measure of intellect is how much you WANT to learn new things, even when you don’t necessarily NEED to. 

It’s not about success, and it’s not about crossing the finish line first.

It’s about inquiry, and it’s about reaching for something new every time you get the chance. 

#chekhov answers #chekhov rambles #sorry #i went off on one #again

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part vi

Part vi is here! As always, I love hearing any kind of feedback, so reblogs and inboxes are so welcome!

part i part ii part iii part iv part v

part vi

January 30 

Cass was distracted as she walked into the arena, distracted as she found Mat’s family, and distracted as she sat down. Fiona’s words were weighing on her, and she didn’t know what to do about them. It didn’t help that she hadn’t seen Mat since that morning, he had press and practice and some fan stuff with the league. It was maybe ten minutes before puck drop, and Cass didn’t know where her head was at. She was picking at a loose thread on the hem of her jersey when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up, she was surprised to see that it was his mom. 

“Are you okay, love? You look distracted.” She asked, concern clear on her face. 

“Yeah?” Cass responded, almost like a question. 

Nadia gave her the “mom” look, the kind that pierces through your soul and knows all of your secrets. “I know you don’t know me all that well and I won’t make you talk about it if you don’t want to, but I can tell something’s on your mind, Cassidy. And I have a feeling it has to do with my son.”

Cass let out a defeated sigh. “Yeah. It’s just...everything’s piling on top of each other, and it’s hard to sort out what’s important and what’s just...static, if that makes sense.”

She nodded wisely. “What kind of things?”

“Outside opinions on us, on Mat and I’s relationship. People thinking that they have a right to make a judgement one way or another. People thinking that I don’t belong here, or with him, because of who I am, and how I look, and what I do.” Cass paused from her monologuing for a moment. “And it’s not always done out of spite. I’ve got a friend at school who just texted me basically asking if I’m sure that my priorities are in the right place. And I know she means well, she’s a wonderful person, but it’s just…” She trailed off.

“Tiring,” Nadia supplied. Cass nodded. “Well,” she began, “Obviously I’m not an expert. I’ve never been in a relationship with a professional athlete, and I’m not you. But I know what pressure feels like, and I know Mat.” Cass gave a watery chuckle. “And I know that my son is head over heels for you. He thinks the world of you, he really does.”

“But, all due respect, it’s not like I’m his first girlfriend or anything.”

“True,” she started carefully, “but I’ve also never seen him like this. I won’t insult your intelligence and say that there haven’t been other girls, because there have, but he’s never been this wholeheartedly invested in someone before. Did you know that you’re the first one he’s introduced us to since he moved to New York?”

Cass shook her head. “No, I didn’t. He never told me.”

“And why would he? Mat’s a good man and he’s got a good heart, but sometimes he can be remarkably dense. Doesn’t always notice what’s right in front of him.”

“Believe me, I’ve noticed that much,” Cass said, laughing. 

Her thumb ran across Cass’s shoulder. “I guess this all just goes to say that you’ve got to talk to him. He cares about you, a lot. He’ll listen. And if he doesn’t, you send him to me, okay?”

Cass smiled. “I will.” The players had just come out, and the anthems were about to start. Cass rose from her seat, hand over her heart and Mat on her mind. 

The score at the ten-minute mark was 3-3, and Cass had to constantly stop herself from chewing her nails down to nubs. The 3-on-3  format made it easier to keep track of the puck, but there was so much open space on the ice it was sometimes impossible to tell where the players were trying to go in the first place. There were three minutes left, and Mat had just nabbed a pass from Konecny. Skating down the ice, he caught a breakaway. Faked to his left, skated to the right, and poked it right past Vasilevsky in the far corner. Half of the arena exploded, half sunk to their seats and groaned. Cass cheered loudly, cupping her hands around her mouth and hugging the rest of the family. He skated over to the side, hi-fiving the guys on the bench before taking his seat for the next shift. 

Metro division ended up winning 8-6, and Cass shot off a quick congratulations text to Mat, knowing that he probably wouldn’t be able to read it until after the final. She half-payed attention to the Western conference semifinal, only enough to know that the Pacific division won. She couldn’t even say by how much. 

The final was close, much closer than the first game had seemed, with no more than a single goal separating the two teams at any time. Late in the game, it looked like the Metro team would be able to run away with it, but Tkachuk sniped from the blue line, pulling Pacific ahead and giving them the win. She followed his family down to the hall where everyone was waiting, internally cringing at the thought of how Mat might be taking the loss. He had gotten better, a lot better, after they had made it clear that communication was a priority and something that needed to be worked on in their relationship, but he wasn’t perfect, and neither was she. 

So needless to say, she was more than a little surprised when he came out of the locker room with a smile on his face, embracing his family and giving her a kiss on the head. The group walked outside as they said their goodbyes — Mat’s family had an early flight back, Miami to Vancouver wasn’t exactly an in-demand route — and Mat’s sister hugged Cass, turning to her brother after and sternly telling him “don’t screw this up. She’s way too good for you.” 

It was pretty late, and a beautiful night, and most of the fans had left, so Cass and Mat walked hand-in-hand back to the hotel. “What’s on your mind, pretty girl?” Mat murmured. So I guess we’re going to have this conversation now, Cass thought, on the sidewalk in an Islanders jersey in the middle of Sunset, Florida. 

“You really can read me like a book, can’t you?” Cass asked softly.

Mat shrugged. “That, and the fact that you keep glancing between me and the street. Might have been a little bit of a giveaway.” 

“The interview from the other day’s been on my mind. I know it seems kind of stupid and childish, but it’s getting to me. What he said about me not being a ‘typical’ hockey girlfriend.”

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Mat said dismissively. 

“I know that, you know that, but it’s the perception, Mat. Either that I don’t support you or your career because I have my own things to deal with sometimes, or that I don’t occupy the ‘place’ I should by pursuing education and a career. By pursuing a male-dominated career, especially. I’m worried I don’t…” She took a breath. “I’m worried I don’t live up to the expectations everyone’s setting for me.” Cass was annoyed, not at Mat or at the interviewer, even, but at the situation. At the thought that she had to continually prove to people that she was enough and she had earned her place. 

“Fuck expectations,” Mat said abruptly. “I want you. All of you.” He stopped for a moment. “I’m so, so proud of you. I know I’ve said it already, and I hope you don’t get tired of hearing it, because it’s true. You have this incredible future ahead of you, and you’ve worked so hard to get to where you are. Everyone sees it. You’re going to do such good work, whether it’s bailing dumbass hockey players out or defending immigrant kids. You’re made for this.” Cass had gone into law school thinking she wanted to go into immigration law, motivated in no small part by the fact that Alejandra, her best friend down in Texas, was a DACA recipient. She had legal status for the time being, but it broke her heart to think that she could be forced out of the only country she had ever known. And when Cass was pissed off about something, she wasn’t the type to keep her mouth shut. 

“People will want to write you off,” he continued, “because maybe they’ve never seen anyone do what you do, but that just makes it all the more incredible and impressive that you are able to do it. To have it all.”

Cass let out a humorless laugh. “Have it all, sure.”

“What else happened?” Mat asked, getting the sense that there was still something she was holding back. And he was right. 

“Fiona sent this text checking up on me,” Cass said, not quite sure where to start. 

Mat’s eyebrows furrowed. “But isn’t that good? That she wanted to catch up?”

“I mean, it would be,” Cass sighed, “but she was saying without saying it that she’s not sure my priorities are in the right place since I’ve started seeing you. Almost like you’re...I don’t know. Distracting me from school or something.”

“But—” She cut him off.

“Don’t be mad at her. She means well, I know she does,” Cass replied sharply. Even frustrated, she was still protective of her friends. “And she’s right in the fact that I’ve had more things taking up my time now, and maybe I’m not spending quite as much time at school or the library or wherever as I used to. But that’s fine. Right? Because I’ve been working hard, and I’m still getting good grades but this is making me worried that everything I’m working so hard for isn’t going to pan out—”

“Are you happier?” Mat asked abruptly. 

Cass turned to him, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Are you happier now than you were before we met?” She could see his Adam’s apple bobbing. He was nervous. Mat had taken a gamble asking her the question, and he wasn’t sure of the answer. 

“I am,” she said softly. 

Mat squeezed her hand. “Then what else really matters?”

They arrived back at the hotel some twenty minutes later, dropping their bags on the floor and grabbing a change of clothes. There was a party at a bar downtown, and everyone was invited. By everyone, that meant all the players and whoever they decided to bring along. “I don’t actually know who booked the place,” Mat said, pulling one leg through a pair of black jeans. “Segs, maybe?” Out of anyone she had met that weekend, Tyler Seguin renting out a bar would surprise her the least. It was kind of sweet, she thought, zipping up her ankle boots, that the teams could check each other on the ice and then go celebrate together after. Being in the hockey world was really just like having a weird, dysfunctional family. 

“You ready to go?” Cass asked, grabbing a jacket. 

“After you,” Mat said, opening the door. They met a handful of others in the lobby, and the group grabbed a pair of Ubers over to the venue. It was packed by the time they got there, most of the players hanging out in the roped-off section  towards the back. Mat helped her up, grabbing them a pair of what she’s pretty sure were whiskey sours, and introducing her to everyone they ran into. She couldn’t keep track of all the names, there was Nathan MacKinnon and Seth Jones and the Tkachuk brothers and a half dozen other players she didn’t recognize. “Please, for the love of God, shave the mustache,” she said to Auston, sipping her drink and staring at him judgily. “It’s not a good look.” He waved her off good-naturedly, and she smacked his shoulder as she walked back to Mat, wrapping her free arm around his front and kissing his shoulder. 

“Let’s dance, chou,” Cass said, shucking off her jacket and leaving it on a spare chair. Mat smiled, taking her hand and guiding her out to the dance floor, where a mix of hockey and decidedly-not-hockey couples were gathered under the bright lights. Ah, sweat, the great equalizer. 

“Do you think any of these Florida men are, you know, Florida Men?” Mat asked over the noise. Cass threw her head back laughing, remembering their first real conversation. 

“Absolutely. We’re going to get pulled into their gator cult.”

It was Mat’s turn to laugh. “I’ll protect you.”

“I’m swooning,” Cass replied. “You’re my knight in shining armor, Mathew.” 

Cass sat down her second drink of the night onto a nearby table, draping her arms around his neck. His hands snaked around her to the back of her waist, pulling her up against him, pulling her closer. She couldn’t even say what song was playing, some dance remix of a top-40 hit that the DJ in the corner was more than likely butchering, but she didn’t care. All she could think about was Mat’s hands on her and how he made her feel. For once in her life, Cass felt like she didn’t have any pressing responsibilities. For one night, she didn’t have the weight of the world on her shoulders. She was 24, and she was going to party like she was 24. 

Cass leaned up to Mat, kissing him, whimpering when his tongue slipped between her lips. In a normal context, Cass never would have done something like that in public, and maybe it was the alcohol talking, but she finally couldn’t care less what people thought of them. “I don’t think the girls behind us know I speak Spanish,” she murmured, his face still so close she could feel him breathing, “because they’re all talking about how hot you are.” Mat laughed, letting his hands down a little more than was respectable. “Soy mexicana, hablo español,” she said over her shoulder, raising one eyebrow as the girls blushed and hurried off. “Now where were we?”

They kissed for what felt like hours, until her lips were starting to get puffy and she needed to come up for air. “I’m going to get another drink. You want anything?” 

“Gimlet?” Mat asked hopefully, giving Cass a peck on the cheek as she made her way to the bar. Waiting among the throngs of people vying for the bartender’s attention, she threw her hair up in a high pony. It may have been January, but it was still Miami and they were still in a club — it was hot as hell. Five minutes later, she had finally shoved her way to the front, ordering Mat’s gimlet and a mojito for herself. Cass scrolled through her Instagram feed as she waited, sensing someone who she assumed was Mat off to her right side. 

“Hey,” she said, looking up, expecting to see her boyfriend. It wasn’t her boyfriend. The men was a little taller than Mat, blond instead of brunet, and any other time, she probably would have been all over him. She wished she hadn’t started a conversation.

“Hey,” he said, resting an elbow on the bar. “What’s your name?” 

“Cassidy,” she said, flashing him a tight smile. He didn’t deserve the nickname. 

He nodded. “Cool, cool. That’s a beautiful name. I’m Justin. Can I buy you a drink?” He was clearly a few in himself, not enough to be drunk but more than enough to engage in a spectacularly poor decision-making process.

“I’ve already ordered one, thanks.” Cass was trying to negotiate, walking the fine line between politeness and interest, hating that she had to talk to someone she didn’t want to just in the interest of safety.

 “You from the area?”

She had to stop herself from rolling her eyes, willing the bartender to come back with the drinks. “No, not really. Just visiting. Leaving tomorrow,” she said, hoping that that would be enough of a hint to get him off of her back. As it turned out, that would be simply too big of an ask. 

“Then I guess we’ve got to make the most of tonight, huh?” Gross, she thought. She wasn’t leading him on, wasn’t doing anything more than making polite conversation so he wouldn’t get even more pissed at her, so what gave him the right?

“Listen, Justin,” she said, finally turning and facing him. “That’s not my style. And I have a boyfriend.”

He cracked a smile, clearly not buying it. As subtly as she could, she tried to find Mat, but she couldn’t. Maybe he had gone to the bathroom? And she didn’t want to leave without having gotten their drinks, cocktails didn’t come cheap and she didn’t want to throw her money away. “It’s okay, babe, you don’t have to play that game with me. He’s not here.” 

“I’m not interested.”

“Hey, come on,” Justin said, inching closer and growing more aggressive by the second. “I was just trying to be nice. Don’t have to be such a bitch about it.” She took a deep breath, about to flag down the bouncer and tell her that this guy just wasn’t taking no for an answer, but she didn’t have to. 

“What’s going on here?” That voice, she recognized. That voice was Mat. Cass let out a sign of relief, gladly moving to the side and letting Mat step in between them. 

“This the boyfriend?” Justin asked with disdain. 

Mat arched an eyebrow. “Yeah, I’m ‘the boyfriend,’ but it shouldn’t matter. She’s not interested, and you’re having trouble respecting that.”

Justin huffed. “Fine, She wouldn’t have been worth it anyway.” Cass had to grab Mat’s wrist to stop him from going after the guy. 

“God, I wanted to punch that guy,” Mat said, running a hand through his hair and visually inspecting her. “You okay? Did he do anything?”

She shook her head. “No, thank God. A little shook up, but nothing serious. He just didn’t know how to take no for an answer.”

He kissed the top of her head, grabbing the drinks from the bartender, who had just slid them over. “You good to stay?” He wouldn’t have blamed her if she wanted to leave.

Cass shook her head. “No, I’m good. Liquor me up.”

“As you wish,” Mat said, handing her the glass. 

The two made their way back to the cordoned-off section, where Cass downed the entirety of her mojito in under 10 minutes. She wasn’t in a sipping mood. Then someone from the Pacific Division — maybe they were on the Sharks? — bought the whole room a round, then she finished half of Mat’s Whiteclaw. Then somehow, she was goaded into body shots. 

“You cool with this?” Mat asked as she scrambled up onto the table. Cass nodded quickly, trying to control her giggles. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good,” Cass said, scrunching the bottom of her shirt up, trying not to think about what her mom would think if she saw her right now. 

Someone had obviously made a run to one of the bars, returning with a bowl of limes and a saltshaker. She tried not to think of how good it felt when his tongue ran over her stomach, licking up the salt, tried to distract herself when his head was ducked just above where her shirt barely covered her bra, throwing back the tequila, and definitely didn’t want to think about his lips just barely touching hers to grab the lime wedge. He threw away the wedge and bro-hugged a few of his onlooking friends, collapsing over Cass in laughter and kisses while he helped her off of the table. 

A little under an hour and a few more drinks later, most of the group had finally decided to call it quits. To put it technically, everyone was shitfaced. A few people luckily still had the wherewithal to call Ubers, and they split up with Instagram handles written in eyeliner on hands to cars grouped by hotel. It was her, Mat, Seguin, and someone’s little sister packed into a white Honda Civic, Mat lazily kissing Cass’s neck, shoulder, anywhere he could reach. They tipped the driver  — very well — before stumbling into the elevators, saying goodbye to Tyler, who was the floor below them. She barely managed to wipe off her makeup and brush her teeth before falling into bed with Mat, who immediately draped his arm over her waist and pulled her into his chest. Even drunk, she wasn’t complaining. 

---

Jan. 31 (sun)

 Cass groaned, her head pounding as she looked she rolled over in bed to grab her phone, looking at the time. 9:22. Great, their flight was at noon, so there wasn’t any time for self-pity before they needed to leave. Mat was up too, rubbing his eyes with a grump look on his face. He leaned over, giving her a kiss good morning. “How are you feeling, babe?” He asked. Mat’s head wasn’t hurting too bad  — he knew he could hold his liquor just fine  — but he had never seen Cass drink as much as she had last night. 

“Ugh,” Cass moaned, pressing the heels of her hands to her temples. “It was so much fun, but I’m never doing that again. I don’t think I’ve been this hungover since the SAE color party junior year.”

“Oh yeah,” Mat mused, “I forgot you were a sorority girl,” he said in sing-song. 

Cass huffed. “I was president, thank you very much.”

“Does my sorority girl need an Advil?” Mat asked. 

“Your sorority girl will punch you if you keep saying that, but yes. Advil would be much appreciated.”

Mat padded away, returning from the bathroom a moment later with the bottle in his hand. He shook two out, grabbing her water bottle from the nightstand and unscrewing the cap. “Here you are.”

“Thank you,” Cass said, flashing him a small, begrudged, but genuine smile. “You’re really too good to me, Mat.”

He kissed her shoulder, pulling a t-shirt over his head. “You deserve it.”

---

Feb 13 (sat)

 Cass’s hair was thrown up in a messy bun as she padded through the aisle of the grocery store. Shopping duties rotated every week, and it was her turn for errands. She handed her card over to the cashier, pulling out her bag-of-bags and beginning to separate. Fridge. Fridge. Pantry. Freezer. Pantry. Errands had always been somewhat of a soothing activity for her; Cass liked just being able to listen to her music and drive around and go into stores for a reason, not just to kill time. As much as she loved spending time with Mat and her roommates and her friends at law school, the constant human interaction could get draining sometimes, and the precious few free hours were alone time she craved. Loading all the bags into her trunk, she set off for the CVS. The bathroom was running out of soap, she needed a box of tampons, and she had gotten a call that the refill on her birth control was ready. 

It was also the day before Valentine’s, which hadn’t always been the best time of year for Cass. It seemed like most of her Valentine’s Days had been filled with sitting alone in her room or binge-watching Bachelor reruns with friends. Or, in the case of her junior year of college, it was crying in her bedroom at the sorority house over the fact that Alex, her boyfriend of a year, had broken up with her two days prior because a relationship was just “too much work.” And Cass was all in favor of self-reflection, but that didn’t mean the rejection stung any less. They had been together for almost a year, and even though she had had other boyfriends before, he was the first one she loved, the first one she really saw a future with. So, needless to say, her track record wasn’t the best. Which she told Mat, that she didn’t want anything elaborate or extravagant, especially since he was leaving for a roadie the day after and would have to get up early. 

But they say love makes people do crazy things. And Mat didn’t want her memories of a day that, commercialized as it was, was supposed to be about celebrating love and commitment and admiration for your partner. And anyone who knew Mathew Barzal knew that he was stubborn as hell with a heart of gold. But if Cass didn’t want anything big, he wasn’t going to do anything big; as much as he would have been absolutely willing to rent out the entire damn Empire State Building just to shout from the rooftops that he was absolutely, unequivocally in love with Cassidy María Cabrera Shaw, but her comfort came before anything. He’d bend over backwards to make her know how much he cared. But this was also Mat Barzal, and Mat Barzal never did anything halfway. 

So it really wasn’t a surprise at all when, just as Cass pulled into her parking spot and killed the gas on her car that her phone lit up with a text from Mat. Picking you up at 5:30 tomorrow. Dress like you’re going to a diner. 

#hockey imagine #hockey writing #nhl imagine #nhl writing #mat barzal #mat barzal imagine #mathew barzal #islanders #new york islanders #islanders imagines #islanders writing #nhl imagines #nhl #nhl fluff #hockey fluff #hockey imagines #hockey smut #nhl smut

[dreamonminecraft]

oh yes, tell me more about this beautiful lesbian slowburn. I’m a sucker for a good love story

Okay so to start off, My sexuality fluctuates greatly throughout this story, but as of now I identify as a Bisexual lithsexual lesbian, which means that I am attracted to lots of people but lose attraction when the feelings are reciprocated, and I'll only date girls.

The story starts off August of 2018. I was starting 6th grade (middle school) and didn't really have any friends aside from a few people that I had last talked to in 3rd grade.

It's important to know that I'm a GT kid and so I almost always have the same group of about 20 kids. This started when I changed to an all GT class for 4th grade.

While it's nice to have a comfortable learning environment, it also means that there's no escape from any drama, and you get to pick friends from the very small pool of kids that you'll spend the rest of your education with.

This is a pretty long story as well and I'm not sure I'll be able to accurately retell many of the things because dates get mixed up and stuff. Anyway, I'm gonna try my best to explain but these are really only the things from my point of view and I don't remember a lot of the things. (This is also gonna be written like a fanfic because that's all I know how to write, I apologise)

So start of sixth grade, I don't really have any friends, I'm kind of this awkward nerd, there's 2 people in my class (we switch classes like normal middle school, but I'm with the GT kids for most of the day so that's what I'll refer to them as) that I've known for years, a few I've met before, but mostly new people.

I sit by some old friends from volleyball at lunch for the first few days but begin to feel unwelcome. One day I decide to sit by these two people that I know are in GT but haven't talked to before. I don't say anything, but I sit and they don't mind.

The next day we get new seats in English. I'm behind a boy named Owen, Inara, who is one of the girls I sat with at lunch, is to my right, and in front of her is a girl named Emilyse.

Inara and I hit it off immediately.

It's kind of crazy because we're both crazy anxious introverts, but we gel nicely. I'm a boyband-obsessed 11 year old and she's a mature and mysterious 11 year old.

She's a lefty. I'm a righty. The way we've been placed makes us bump arms everytime we try to write anything.

We have every class together. Somehow, we sit next to each other in every class as well, even in the ones where we didn't pick our seating chart.

It's September. I cry over boybands. She watches curiously.

For the next couple of months we casually talk. She spends every lunch period in the library. We text occasionally.

I have another friend who takes priority. His name is Logan. We got introduced by his friend Lennox when she asked for my phone number to give to him.

Lennox and I don't talk. Logan and I text nonstop for months. We discuss possibly dating in the future. I identify as bisexual and biromantic at this point.

I've been in this position before. Having mainly guy friends growing up puts me in a lot of awkward friendship/relationship situations. They always end the same.

I have an issue with dating in middle school. You're not dating if you don't go on dates, hold hands, kiss, or cuddle. But you can feel like you are.

In December Logan starts being mean. We start a game where we step on each other's shoes at lunch or in the hallway. It's fun.

Eventually, he recruits his friends to do it to me, too. It's a joke a first, but eventually there are 10 middle school boys chasing me and trying to hurt me.

I get kicked in the hallway and fall. Someone steps on my arm and people laugh. Logan watches. I tell Inara and she steps on his shoe for me.

Logan and I stop talking. Inara and I hang out more. By early January, Inara has stopped going to the library at lunch. We hang out with Emilyse in the field instead.

I text Logan one day in mid January and ask why we fell out. He says that I told someone that I was going to punch him in the face.

The person he said I told, only talked to me at the bus stop, and he didn't ride my bus. I had never said it in the first place, but his logic made it even more frustrating.

I tell him I got scared because I had a crush on him and didn't want to make things weird. It was a lie.

In February I came out to someone for the first time. They asked if I was bi and I said yes.

By March I had accepted that coming out didn't really make a difference. Inara and I hung out at school but not really anywhere else.

My birthday's in April. I invite her, Emilyse, and Rebekah. We paint rocks and draw on a table cloth. Emilyse feels distant.

Emilyse is homophobic. We find out in English one day. I don't remember how. Inara and I look at each other. We know we're both queer but haven't come out to each other.

I ask Emilyse if she would hate someone in GT for coming out. She says yes. Inara and I stop talking to her.

By May I've become obsessed with Marvel. Inara's interested in it and I decide to be, too. We talk about the movies. It gets awkward. She's not as interested when I get in on it.

By June we're best friends. We hang out fairly regularly, have all our classes together, and text all the time. Logan is forgotten.

School lets out at the start of June. We keep texting regularly. We make plans to see the new spiderman movie in early July with one of our other friends.

I have a complicated relationship with said friend. They're non-binary, although I didn't know it yet, and I've known them since Kindergarten. Inara met them in an advisory this year. I get jealous easily.

The day of the movie I shop at Kohl's. I buy the two of us matching shirts. We meet at the movie theater and it's awkward. I pay for popcorn and sneak in snacks that we share. Our friend's dad is there, but Inara and I don't have parents present.

We sit next to each other during the movie. At a certain scene, I start to get anxious. My stomach hurts and I can't breathe, I start to get sweaty.

I get up and rush out of the theater. I get to the women's bathroom and sit down on the floor of the very last stall. I'm panicing, dry heaving into the toilet, and trying not to cry. I try to text my mom that I'm having a panic attack but don't have reception.

I go back into the theater room after a few minutes. I'm still anxious, but better. Our friend is highly concerned, Inara just glances at me worriedly.

It's my first panic attack, and it sucked.

We leave awkwardly after it ends, trying to avoid the obvious elephant in the room. My mom is concerned when she picks me up. We don't talk about it. My dad and brother are watching it illegally when I get home.

We don't see each other until August of 2019, but continue to text through the rest of the summer.

When 7th grade starts, I'm still into Marvel. I've seen all the movies at this point, but there haven't been any new ones (even now) since FFH. Inara's interested, but not fully.

In late August/Early September we take BuzzFeed quizzes for fun and text each other the results. I take one about soulmates. I get her initials. I send her the link. She gets mine.

We take more and they all point to us being soulmates. We propose by sending pictures of rings over text. The wedding date is set for September 28th, 2019.

The time comes. It's Saturday and my brother has a double football game. We've planned to pick her up and take her there. It's a Christian league, so the games are at a church.

We go to the garden. There's a small white bench in some rocks, surrounded by flowers. We joke that we've had our ceremony. We wander around for a while longer.

My dad suggests that we go to the taco bell across the parking lot. We do. When we're done, we walk back to my house. Its not far, but we're alone. I carry her halfway back.

When we get to my house we pick things from my garden. We're barefoot and I'm wearing overalls. I joke that we're gonna get a farm one day when we're older.

She picks things while I stand back and watch. The sun hits her dyed-red hair just right. I vividly remember smiling at thinking "holy fuck she's pretty" you would think I'd put together my crush by then.

October rolls around and she cancels plans to go trick-or-treating with me. I'm upset but understand.

We "work" on a school project at her house. We don't actually get anything done before cuddling up on her bed and falling asleep to black panther.

In November, it's Emilyse's birthday party. We've gotten distant but still talk occasionally. Inara and I both go to the party.

We're watching Spiderman Far From Home because that's what Emilyse wanted. I've seen in twice, Ianra has too.

We're given candy and popcorn and then curl up on the couch. Inara and I sit next to each other.

(I forgot to mention this but at some point she stayed the night at my house. She slept on the floor in her swimming suit even though I asked if she wanted to sleep on the bed. Swimming was fun though. We also go to an arcade. We mini-golf and play laser tag. We also danced in the rain together at some point that day.)

Once we're no more than 15 minutes into the movie, I'm cuddled into her chest. It's important to mention that at this point I'm 5'6 and she's no more than 5'0.

We cuddle the entire movie. We share candy and pretend no one else is there. It feels great.

We don't talk about that night for months. Nobody brings it up. I come out to Rebekah around this time, saying no more than that I like girls. I still haven't told Inara.

By December, I've brought her to church a few times. I don't enjoy going to church, but my parents always encouraged it.

(I'd like to say at this point as well that I have been raised Christian and identify with the faith despite the fact that I despise Church and disagree with many of the common teachings. If I ever had to choose for some reason, my sexuality matters more to me than my religion. Regardless, I respect your beliefs if they differ from mine :) )

Inara's birthday is in mid December. Her party consists of us making gay jokes with our enby friend despite not being technically out to each other.

My church youth group plans ice skating. I invite her and she accepts. I'm worried about it. It's essentially a date. Neither of our parents will be there.

We carpool with the youth leaders, who are actually pretty cute for a hetero couple. Inara and I share awkward glances the whole time.

When we get there I learn that Inara took ice skating lessons as a child. She's much more confident than I am, but pretends she doesn't know what she's doing. I skate about once or twice a season, but also rollerblade.

There's a wet, sloped, melty part of the rink. I get nervous and grab her hand. She holds it until we're out of the melted ice.

Every lap around I grab her hand at that point. Eventually, we just keep holding hands for an entire lap.

By the end of the night, we've both fallen a few times but held hands the whole time. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

That night, I rant about the adventure to one of my (ex)friends, who excitedly listens to my talk about holding hands with a girl.

There's a GT Christmas party at Hannah's. Inara and I carpool there. It's an all together boring party with the exception of a few interesting truth-or-dare questions.

(side note, remember Owen? Well he's one of Inara and I's best friends and we were actually close enough that the three of us were basically cuddling on the couch during part of the party. Also the whole class knows about Inara and I's wedding and calls us wives.)

Paislie asks me if I wanted to "marry" Inara before we got "married". I mumble an answer that nobody hears. I don't repeat it. When it's time to leave, Inara and I have our legs intertwined on the couch. We don't mention that, either. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

January is good. There's a night, the 4th I believe, that we really connect. We officially come out to each other for the first time on that night, and it gets really real, really fast.

She says she's pan, I say I'm bi but confused.

In mid January she texts me that she's crying because one of her favorite YouTubers finally hit a million. She cries for hours but never tells me who. I pay it no mind.

A few days later, she mentions a YouTube channel called Unus Annus and tells me that it's super interesting. I text back but don't look it up.

A few more days pass and I'm randomly on the trending page for YouTube, which I never do. I see a video trending called "Mark and Ethan go casket shopping". The thumbnail is interesting enough that I check what the channel is. I notice it's the one Inara told me about.

I watch the video and subscribe within 5 minutes. I text Inara quotes from that video, Ethan Finally Becomes a Man, and the Lie Detector test videos, until she responds and is surprised that I found the channel.

I obsess quickly and depend on her to know the new video at 1pm everyday. She gets annoyed and we drift apart slowly.

In February things get rocky. We fight often. If I win a small argument she doesn't talk to me for hours. She gets pissed at refuses to tell me what the Unus Annus video is called if I ask too many times.

At some point I get fed up and confront her. I don't remember what about, but we stop talking all together.

Friends pick sides. I'm left alone. We don't talk for a month. She tells me that she pushed me away because she thought I'd react badly to her telling me she loves me.

I confess my crush. She tells me she feels the same.

We finally make up at about 8:30 on a Sunday night in March. It's not fixed but we plan to talk. And 9:00, the school district announces that it's shutting down until least after spring break.

We stopped trying to communicate, but eventually, slowly we started talking again. We text a few times a day now, mostly about UA and anxiety, the best combo.

We haven't seen each other since. We're probably going back to school in person in about a month, but I'm not sure. Nobody is.

I've called her my girlfriend on here before, simply because I don't know what we are. I joked the other day about how the youth leaders would react if I said I was texting my girlfriend.

Here's how that went:

So we're just jokingly married for now! It's a confusing pile of garbage but we both came out as lesbians the other day so that's a new development.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but I'll answer any questions anybody has :)

#asks #elle has girlfriend issues #unus annus #crankgameplays #markiplier #yes the guy who hit a million was ethan #thank you kait #im sorry this is so long #lesbian #wlw post #wlw culture #LGBTQ

[kainumbernine009]

I literally cannot do anything else until I get this out.

I’m... really not okay.

And when I say that, I’m not mentally unstable. I say that because I’m tired of waiting on empty promises, I’m tired of never having money in our account, I’m tired of living in a fucking city where half of the white people fucking worship the ground Trump walks on, and where most of the gay community has so much messy drama that it’s worse than middle school. And I went to a rough middle school.

I never talk about my past, because I don’t like to. It sucked. HARD. Being and only child in my family was nothing less than torture, especially as a closeted queer person. We grew up in the white Christian part of Nashville that dominated Music Row in the 90′s and early 2000′s. I played basketball with Alan Jackson’s daughter, and being around famous people was just no big deal. But, my parents decided to leave Nashville after my dad lost his job at TPAC, and we moved down south an hour to the town where the KKK got started (Pulaski, TN).

I had maybe two non-white people in my private Christian school growing up. I was never afraid of Black people, but my parents showed their racist asses quick when we moved there. The KKK has never left America, guys, no matter how many articles you read or studies you do. From 2005 to 2009 I saw a white town show its very worst to the Black community. I’ll never forget the first time I saw a march for “White Christians for Purity” the summer before Obama got elected. The disgust I felt inside was palpable. I had all kinds of friends in school, and I didn’t give TWO SHITS who they were or what they looked like... but I saw children my age, being brainwashed by their parents, that “white” is “right.”

Ever since then, I have been learning and growing about the issues of race. I remember my white classmates using the N word and getting away with it. I remember hearing about the principal at the high school punishing all the Black kids but not the white kids. I remember being invited to a church south of town that was a historically Black church, and how nice the ladies were to me for coming.

But I’ll never forget the racism that the religious groups promoted there, especially First Baptist Church and the 12 Tribes. I’ll never forget how FBC told me that my friend was going to Hell because she killed herself. I’ll never forget my mom telling me not to marry a Black man because of “impure genes.” I WILL NEVER FORGET THE INJUSTICES I SAW WHITE PEOPLE DOING TO BLACK PEOPLE THERE. NEVER.

And thank God, I have shaken the burden of religious guilt, but I still fight against this mentality. I live in a place that’s usually not even 10 minutes away from Trump-humping, sister-fucking, meth-addicted Confederate cunts in any direction. And we’re even closer to the rich white people who silently supported him, upset that their taxes would go up because of Biden.

And in the past four years since Trump got elected, I’ve gotten married, graduated college with honors, started my own photography business, and was making more than my husband there for a minute. I did my own taxes, marketing, editing, and everything. And then I came out as trans.

I lost everything.

I lost my studio. I lost friends. I had rumors started about me. I had people post hate messages on my wall. I had people at my drag shows tell others not to tip me, for whatever fucking reasons. I’ve had bosses give cis people jobs over me, and I’ve had government workers give me second looks when I hand them my license.

It. Fucking. Sucks. To. Live. Here. Like. This.

Oh yeah, did I mention I’m also a witch/medium? I’ve talked to dead people before and have told their relatives things I shouldn’t have known otherwise about their grandparents. Like, this information doesn’t even exist on Google. And I’m attuned to reiki. I’m always aware of what’s happening on at least SOME metaphysical level. This is a gift that I’ve had to go through life developing and learning about myself, with no one’s help but me.

I didn’t even know until I was an adult that I have autism and ADHD.

I’ve taken bullets from people who were about to kill themselves. I’ve yelled at 5th grade music classrooms for doing racist dance moves and appropriating Native Americans (I have a degree in Music Education K-12). I’ve consoled kids in classrooms who suddenly have panic attacks. AND I’ve told horny teenagers to stay in their fucking lane and respect the girls around them. I’ve apparently been an inspiration to those around me, but inspiration NOR exposure pays the bills. I’ve already had COVID, and so has my husband, but I knew that after graduating college that I would never have a fulfilling life being a music teacher in Tennessee’s public schools.

And now that we have COVID, and an orange, small-dicked, pedophilic, rape apologizing, dirty, crusty white president who STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE, who is DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING HIS FOLLOWERS SEND DEATH THREATS TO MY FAMILY, I really don’t know what the fuck else to do other than go burn down all the houses I know of in North Georgia that belong to these Christian sex cult pedophiles and call it a day. My girlfriend unfortunately was born into one of those families, and I know just how bad it can get. In fact, her dad’s lawyer threatened me with blackmail earlier in November, so that was fun!

And now, on December 11, 2020, I’m still sitting here in the same fucking house, doing the same fucking things I’ve been doing all year - trying to get a job and failing horribly. I’M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS COVID BULLSHIT AND OUR INCOMPOTENT CUNT OF A PRESIDENT! And there’s only ever one other person I’ve ever called a cunt... my own mother.

I’ve lived in many places. I’ve met many different people. I’ve made mistakes, and have grown, but there’s one thing for damn sure that I always make sure to do, every single fucking day.

I ALWAYS try to do better.

In addition to this, I treat everyone with the same amount of respect, unless they have done something directly to me to negate that. If I know that someone believes in something that directly harms me or my family, I don’t even associate with them. I don’t spend my energy on things that don’t need it. And everyone else should, too.

The problem with some of y’all is that you care about the wrong things. Like will Becky text me back or did I get front row seats to that concert, or did I slave my life away to capitalism just so that I can own a Mercedes and have my friends jealous. I’ve had way too many dear death experiences to know that EVERY single fucking day is a gift. EVERY day.

I don’t want to be remembered first for the art I create. I want to be remembered for my character. I want to be remembered as the courageous person who never backed down in the face of adversity. But when you live in a place that already hates you and that is against you, that’s really fucking hard. Trust me. My marriage went from a cis straight passing couple to a white gay passing couple. I’ve seen how people’s attitudes changed around me as I transitioned. I know what it feels like to slowly lose a piece of your privilege you were born with.

So yeah, I kinda get a little fucking upset when I see people saying All Lives Matter, or when I see doctors refusing to treat trans patients in pandemics, or when I see cops YET AGAIN harassing Black people only a few blocks away from my house for no other reason than racism. And at this point, anyone who thinks they know me but only knows what people think they know about me can suck my entire ass and eat ten dicks. I don’t give a FUCK about who you are or what you’ve done. If you treat me or other people with no respect for no reason other than to be an asshole, you’re just plain shit. If you SERIOUSLY believe every little rumor and lie that someone tells about me before meeting me, fuck you AND the horse you rode in on.

What I can’t stand is people doing or saying things just to get a rise out of me or others. I thought we left petty shit in high school. Some of the people that “know” me really need to fucking grow up and grow a pair and either say what they want to my face, or stay mad. I’m tired of playing fucking petty games with y’all. We have a whole ass pandemic to solve.

So here’s the ultimatum... if you agree that Black Lives Matter and that queer people deserve basic human rights, EVEN THE ONES YOU HATE, then that’s the bare minimum to even be a decent person. If you can’t even do those things, then I don’t fucking know what else to say to you.

So NBC, maybe not have John Mulaney joke about my license debacle with my gold van on SNL, and Seth Meyers... maybe HIRE ME INSTEAD of Mulaney because clearly y’all don’t know about the south as much as I do? Oh, and that gazeebo joke with Lee University... I caught that. I may have autism, but I’m not a fucking idiot. I mean. I’m funny when I’m given the chance. And yeah, I’m on a watchlist, but who the fuck isn’t these days? At least all my secrets are out for the world to see, and I have a bangin’ tattoo.

I’m tired of everyone being like “omg, I’ve seen what he can do, it’s fantastic!” or “omg you’re so funny haha” and bragging on me and then NOT FUCKING HIRING ME. I’m TIRED of waiting on something that’s clearly at this point never coming.

I don’t even have testicles, and my balls are bigger than most of the cis men I have EVER met.

So, if you want to help me, or hire me, or get me out to an audition... I’ll be there. But until then, I’m so fucking MAD at some of these producers. Yeah, my mom is a cunt, but she worked in various forms of digital production from the 1980′s until she retired this year. She taught me SO MUCH about directing, writing, shooting, and more. I know how these things are supposed to run behind the scenes. I know what the fuck I’m doing, and I don’t take constructive criticism like a bitch. I actually WANT to be criticized, so I can do even better.

So PLEASE, for the love of Christ... y’all need to get your priorities together AND PLEASE STOP LEAVING ME OUT OF THE LOOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT. Grow a fucking pair and either call me, email me, or leave me alone. It’s really not that fucking hard. Looking at you, Lorne Michaels.

Oh and someone tell my husband what the fuck’s been going on because I’m tired of him gaslighting me about it.

[djokeery]

hold my heart and watch it burn (and i will hold on to you)

Or, alternatively, Steve reflects on the last three years of his life on Robin’s kitchen floor.

December 19th, 1985.

It was snowing, soft and quiet. Robin’s house was safe, sound, warm—Christmas lights were strung all along her pale yellow kitchen, making the already inviting space cozier than usual. Flour and sugar were dusted on every single surface you could see, and cookie cutters were lying everywhere else. Absentmindedly, Steve ran his fingers through his hair, definitely coating it with flecks of white. 

If you didn’t know him, or see the purple bruising around his left eye, you wouldn’t even suspect he’d just managed to save the world yet again. (Believe it or not, he won a fight this time around, too.) Three years of fighting creatures from alternate dimensions, and he figured he deserved at least one normal night. That’s why, when Robin suggested he come over to help bake Christmas cookies after he mentioned that he’d never done it before, he did. 

So, here he was, on timer duty, listening to Robin’s beat up radio alone while she cleaned herself up. The sugar cookies had roughly four minutes left and the room smelt like...home. Home. It was a word he’d come to understand in new ways, with the help of new people. 

It’s weird. Before he knew that monsters actually existed, he would’ve told you home was 1146 Norwood Lane. Nowadays, though, he’d tell you home wasn’t really a place—it was a feeling. Home was Dustin trying to educate him about Star Wars. Home was Lucas and Mike begging him to teach them how to drive. Home was dropping Max off at the arcade and giving her all the spare change he had. Home was something outside of King Steve’s castle, and the kingdom no longer existed. 

To be honest, he was starting to wonder if it ever really did.

He hummed along to “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” by Tears For Fears as it faded out, only to be met by the top 40 DJ greeting him.

“I’m Carl Jetson and you’re listening to B97! Here’s a new one for anyone spending this holiday season alone. This is “Last Christmas” by Wham!—good luck getting it out of your head.”

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, you gave it away This year, to save me from tears I’ll give it to someone special

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,”

Steve slid to the floor, further covering his apron in various baking powders in the process. 

A year ago, he spent Christmas alone, save for a visit from Dustin on Christmas Eve where he had to convince him that yes, his parents would be home in time for Christmas, so no, he wasn’t going to be alone, and yes, he would be fine by himself until they got there.

And he was. He was used to it. For the past nineteen years of his life, the rare days when his parents were home were painfully structured and quietly deafening. He preferred their absence, honestly. But ever since demogorgons ripped through the ceiling of his life, he found himself leaving every light in his house on every single night. Not because he was scared, he’d be damned if anyone ever found out that he was, but in case his parents might see when they decided to finally stumble back home. In case they decided to knock on his bedroom door and ask him if he’s alright after climbing the stairs. In case they decided to tell him they love him, fingers stroking his hair, after not uttering those very words in years.

He never really talked about it. How he felt cursed because no one ever loved him back. How, when he was at his lowest, he blamed Nancy for everything, even though he knew she had no control over any of it. 

Perfect, pretty, poised, princess Nancy. 

Steve sighed.

All he ever wanted was to feel something more. Something like the movies. And in the movies, stupid teenagers went to parties, were beyond popular, and almost worshipped in their immense normal-ness. He figured he had it in the bag. Everything.

He was good-looking, athletic—being captain of the baseball team was something he’d never admit he was actually proud of—had more than enough money to throw around whenever he felt like making it rain, was friends with the right people, the kids of his parents’ friends. His grades weren’t the best, but they also weren’t the worst, and he had the Harrington name to fall back on if sport scholarships weren’t enough to carry him through to a top school. He was set. He was set for his entire life without even blinking an eye.

But then his swimming pool turned into a graveyard and his reputation drowned. 

Regardless of however many beers he managed to swallow, the number of appearances he made at various parties, he couldn’t move past that. It followed him everywhere. It was a constant reminder that, even though he’d graduated from high school, he still dreamed about being a stupid teenager. He doesn’t miss King Steve, he really doesn’t, but at least King Steve made sense to everyone. 

People liked King Steve.

They responded to him, listened to him, followed him. The world was at his fingertips until it suddenly wasn’t.

He, contrary to popular belief, wasn’t an idiot. He heard all the whispers in the hallways. He knew people were talking. He just couldn’t explain the king’s downfall without mentioning tunnels and blinking lights and a baseball bat covered in nails, and he signed all of that away the moment Dr. Owens handed him a stack of forms to keep quiet.

And he has. He’s been good and everything King Steve wasn’t—real, genuine, kind, a dependable emergency contact.

The biggest difference of all, though, was that people loved this Steve.

That’s why he thinks that the gate is the best thing that’s ever happened to him. King Steve had to perish for Real Steve to have what he has now. And what he has now is everything. 

He has friends. Not just people his own age using him for his money and personal gain. Real friends. True comrades. People that have seen him at his worst and loved him just as much as they did when he was on top of the world. Friends that care about him. Friends that don’t lie, fight monsters, and always, always have his back.

People to remind him that he isn’t alone on his invisible throne, a throne that never existed at all, because there was never even a kingdom to rule in the first place.

He has Dustin. God, he loves that little shithead. 

Sometimes he thinks the universe really heard him when he was seven and begged for a friend. He thought Tommy H was his solution, since he moved to Hawkins a week after he pleaded to his bedroom walls. Tommy had been inseparable by his side since they met. But he wasn’t what he needed. Steve needed cleidocranial dysplasia, curly hair with a hat every day. Steve needed someone who saw through him, someone who saw him for him and who he could be. Someone who didn’t care that he was a Harrington, and someone who loved having him around.

Steve needed someone who’d die if he died. He needed a brother.

That’s why Steve Harrington would do it all over again if he had the chance. Not to change things, or fix things, but to do it exactly the same. 

He’d leave that note in Nancy’s locker, fall for her with every bone in his body, just for her to crush him and end up alone.

He’d break Jonathan’s camera, cause a scene in the alley downtown, and then swing a bat to save him in a heartbeat. He’d do it without even thinking. 

He’d do absolutely anything for the kids. His kids. He’d take plates to the head, kicks to the ribs, slaps to the face, whatever he needed to do to make sure they weren’t feeling any pain or in any danger. It didn’t matter if he got battered and bruised in the process. They were his number one priority. He’d never had anything to stand for until Dustin requested his assistance with Dart. It felt good to be needed, to be actually wanted.

God, it was something he could get used to.

He’s thinking about all of this, and about last Christmas, and how this year is so wondrously different, when he notices smoke billowing into the air, turning everything slightly hazy, bringing a gray cloud into the bright atmosphere, breaking the moment.

“Shit, shit, SHIT!” He’s up and on his feet faster than the speed of light, running straight towards the oven, so fast he doesn’t see Robin racing in from across the hall.

They collide into a tangled heap on the floor, laughter drowning out the radio and the timer that was buzzing its life away. (Because some things never change.)

“Harrington, I can’t even leave you alone for one minute without you causing a scene...give me some warning if you’re planning on burning the house down, okay?”

“Rob, I—” “All you had to do was open the oven and place the cookies on the stove. We went over this,” She was still laughing. Steve would do anything if she’d just keep laughing. It was his favorite kind of music.

He never wanted it to stop.

He took a breath and wiped his eyes. “I didn’t hear the timer go off,”

“What was that? I can’t hear you if you whisper, dingus.”

He tried again, a little louder. “The timer. I didn’t hear it.”

She looked at him like he’d grown two heads. “Are you deaf now and didn’t feel like telling anyone?”

What he really meant was thank you. Thank you for everything—for being his friend, for standing up for him, for trusting him with who she is, for taking the time to see that he’d never really been a king in the first place, and for still sticking around after that. For caring even more about him after that.

He wanted to ask her to never become a stranger he could recognize anywhere. To never be someone who leaves.

Because this, this was good. This was something he wanted forever. This was something he could hold and never shatter. This was something that actually mattered. 

“Steve, did you OD over there?” Robin’s voice snapped him back into reality and a familiar memory.

“No, sorry, I—just thinking, you know?” 

He didn’t have to say it. He could tell she knew and understood from the look on her face. She loved him back. She felt the same. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t ever going to be again.

“Yeah. I know the feeling.” 

They both paused for a moment, the tiniest of moments, to remember the feeling, the unspoken “I love you, I’m so grateful you’re here right now and alive”, and then they stood up, Robin immediately grabbing their smoldering cookies from the still smoking oven.

They’re both shuffling around the kitchen, trying to determine if any of their blackened hard work is salvageable while simultaneously attempting to keep the smoke detectors from going off, when, in the middle of the commotion, there’s a series of knocks on the front door.

“Go do something useful and get that, won’t you?” Robin said it with a cheeky smile.

“For the last time, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I DIDN’T HEAR THE TIMER DIDN’T GO OFF,” Steve wiped his hands on his apron and stretched his arm out as he walked to the front door.

Out of every single person in the world, the one he least expected to see greeted him with a smile. He doesn’t realize it until she’s standing right in front of him and he sees her rosy face, traces of snow still in her hair, but then it’s all he can think about. It’s all he can feel.

“Hey, Dustin said I might find you here. Are you alright? Is that smoke?!” She motioned to his disheveled look and the smell of burnt sugar. Steve smiled to himself.

He’s okay. Honestly. Really. After two concussions, one broken heart, a scar from being interrogated by Russians, endless nightmares, after all of the bullshit—

“Yeah, Nance. I’m good.” And for the first time since his life turned upside down, he meant it.

#steve harrington #steve harrington fic #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington fluff #robin buckley #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fandom #fanfic #st fanfic #writing #writer #fanfiction #steve #robin #christmas #christmas cookies #baking #cookies #this piece has my entire heart and soul #there is so much of who i am hidden inside this #i'm already referring to this as a missing scene from st4 #if you read all of this thank you #you'll never know what it means #this is what steve harrington deserves #this fic is also on ao3 if anyone cares #ANYWAY! #steve and robin #warm #cozy

[violexides]

school system bitchery

placed under the cut for length: 

the american school system, in my experience and limited to my experience and general knowledge, systematically implements the principles and thought processes that directly correlate to students living an unbalanced life, despite the time period in which you are a student running through the period of adolescence and typically ending before your brain even develops properly (which, learning does help your brain, i do recognize that, but in terms of just. the emotional impact here).

bottom text.

okay but if you think about it the standard portrayal of the adult workaholic who lives in a miserable job, shown to students as undesirable, is living a life directly connected to how the school system shows a student’s ‘priorities’. students are taught to prioritize learning and getting good grades over personal life outside of school (which is ESPECIALLY emphasized in the “gifted program” sphere, but is generally applicable to all). getting good grades means access to a good college which means access to a good future, which is almost advertised as something deeply competitive, where you have to get the best score out of your peers.

(gifted programs, from personal experience, absolutely feed into this competitiveness and does not try to hide it. at some point, it is the students saying it themselves. someone got an 100% on a difficult test? someone will ask who. someone didn’t show up to class? multiple people will wonder. someone got into an ivy league school and their closest friend didn’t? some point, it tastes like betrayal.

of course, i’ve fed into this. it is remarkably difficult, in this atmosphere, to understand my sister who is upset at getting a lower A than she wanted on an exam she thought she would ace, when i actively got a C on some of my tests.)

this unbalanced life and the difficulty seen in school courses is met with-- especially in high school gifted programs, i’ve noticed-- burn out. personal experience, hello, i am burned the fuck out. looking at quick statistics from the CDC, last reviewed in july 2020, a 2016 study says 9.4% of students age 2-17 in america have diagnosed ADHD. study that looks like it’s from 2018 says that 7.1% of students age 3-17 have diagnosed anxiety, 3.2% have diagnosed depression, and approximately 3/4 children diagnosed with depression also have anxiety.

you may noticed i bolded diagnose. it is really goddamn hard to get a diagnosis. getting a diagnosis requires seeing a professional who can diagnose you, which operates under the presumption that the student is in the place to access a professional, or that the student can financially afford it (insurance is not always the most helpful with these things, my family is luckily enough to pay for shit out of pocket, but i know people held back by both these constraints). so, these percentages likely increase when that is factored.

(the cdc does say that around 80% of students with depression got treatment, and around 60% with anxiety got treatment. i haven’t looked into the actual study itself so i am not 100% sure, but again. this is operating under who is diagnosed).

these aren’t negligible statistics, and this does not even FACTOR IN the plethora of other mental illnesses, disabilities, general barriers, trauma, and general life occurrences that can affect students physically, emotionally, and yes, in how they work. 

so we have mentally ill students with burnout facing difficult classes and dealing with comparison, and how is this handled? well, the counselor crisis is so goddamn complicated that i don’t know how to tackle that shit, but lets focus on mental health education. 

to put it simply, the information is outdated, skims over a vast majority of mental illnesses or other things that impact student mental health, offer unrealistic solutions (the inequity in implying that every student can seek help seems to go unrecognized, at least on surface level, though i know personally that there is work, at least in my state, to be better at addressing this), and, what really gets me is, it offers NO MENTION of how this affects PRODUCTIVITY.

when you think of the random student that has missing assignments and failing grades, what is the first thought? someone who is lazy, who sleeps in class, who doesn’t care enough, right? if we want to tackle systematic racism, too, what are the odds that we are made to believe that this hypothetical student is white? those odds are sure as hell lower than being told that they are a person of color. right?

well, look at it like this. common symptom of depression, for example? missing assignments, hypersomnia, et cetera. oh okay. so student A is lazy, right. gotcha. 

okay, well. if student B can get the assignments done, why can’t student A? well, the adversity a student experiences isn’t comparable. but also, draw this back to the standards naturally set? lets take a close look at what i myself did yesterday for one of my classes, and what my friend did (also i would like to note here, since this is a real life example, that not all this fault falls to teachers. this teacher was actually incredibly accommodating. this is more systematic.)

well, we had this long assignment for a java 2 programming course. we had a few weeks to do it, but of course, studying for 3 other tests and trying to do projects, amidst extracurriculurs and personal life, can make this difficult. so, we put it off.

yesterday, student C had dinner at 11 and stayed up a good majority of the night trying to get this done. they did not do excellent on all of it or get every answer right. the teacher was fortunately accommodating (and if they weren’t? what then.) student D spent 6 hours straight, also neglecting food and mental health, to attempt all the problems, got a C on the final test for it, and eventually gave up and went to bed extremely exhausted.

i am student D, by the way. student C is another person, but they’re remaining anonymous. no shit, of course i;m gonna keep them anonymous.

okay, i’ve been typing this for like, 10+ minutes, so i should wrap this shit up at some point. i will bitch about this more later. 

main points: the education system of america systematically sets up students to fail the impossible ‘standard’, the topic of mental health is not tackled effectively, students are directly placed against each other and this is used as a ‘motivator’, and there are a plethora of other issues i did not tackle.

remember to drink water, have some food, get some rest, and compliment yourself. you are not a failure for struggling to succeed. i’m proud of you. remember that.

edit one: i did read over this later and i did want to say that i am not explicitly saying student A has depression definitively. that sort of claim actually does have ties to the mental health education in schools too, go figure. i am mainly trying to prove the point that labeling these students as lazy is incredibly damaging. i have recently broken down over the fact that i may be labeled as ‘lazy’ for not being on time with all my assignments and scoring low scores. i am not lazy. i am burnt out, mentally ill, and taking college level classes as a high school sophomore. just some food for thought.

#personal #school system #the american school system we know and love #education rant #education issues #i did not proofread this #sorry if there are things i said that were not directly backed w statistics #this is mainly presonal experience and CDC information since this was like #very impromptu #i need to chill now okay

[samsterham]

The Fuckening, Entry # 1

Despite the novel covid-19 being around for a pretty hot minute now, I have only been self-quarantined about 6 days. There have been several confirmed cases in my county, and today the county had it’s first death.

If it’s not apparent by the title, I’ve decided to officially from here on out refer to this entire debacle as The Fuckening. I will swear. A lot. 

I figure it might be somehow lucrative to record my experiences throughout the pandemic, at least as it is pertinent to my country & area. Aside from broader, more public events, it might be interesting to someday look back on my day to day & how we dealt & felt & what we did. I should have been keeping a diary of my life anyway & had intended to despite never making it a priority. Now is as good a time as any.

Anyhow, I anticipate this being a rather disjointed project, variable in moods, topics, formats, etc. & rife with grammatical errors. I haven’t decided how revealing of my identity & location I would like to be, I suppose that’s something I’ll decide as I go. All I’ll reveal for the moment is I live in the U.S. in Pennsylvania.

Recapping what I can right now:

I’m in about day 6 of self-quarantine. All schools have cancelled regular classes and have gone exclusively online, as has happened pretty much everywhere else. My community college also followed suit along with probably every college & university at this point. I’ve had a little over a week off for faculty & staff to prepare for the shift. Class resumes this upcoming wednesday online for the rest of the semester. Curious to how they’re going to structure & grade our biology lab credits. 

Bars & restaurants have been state-mandated to shut down except for take-out. Now the liquor stores have shut down as well. Somehow the beer distributor down the street is still open however...

Me & K (boyfriend) haven’t gone nuts with preparations, but we did have 1 significant shopping trip before the state officially began recommending social distancing. We got enough non-perishables for several weeks. We’ve made a couple mini trips for things like milk & fresh veggies. 

I also have a few immunocompromised friends who I’ve gone shopping for. I expect to continue doing so as needed. One such friend has a bitch of a rare disease which is frankly on the verge of killing her if she sneezes or coughs too hard. There is so, so much more to it than that, than I dare go into here for privacy reasons but I have spent the last month as one of her actual medical advocates. She is partly the reason I would like to focus my education and eventual clinical research on rare diseases such as hers. Anyhow, despite it being flat out unsafe, she was discharged from the hospital yesterday as my city prepares to get slammed with covid-19 cases.

Both my cats got a stomach bug just 2 days into self-quarantine. It began with Crowley puking, then what looked like bloody emesis & trip to the emergency vet. Sent home with stomach meds & instructions for supportive care before jumping into more than basic testing. He was fine within 36 hours, just in time for Aziraphale to become a little vom-bomb. This lasted for 3 days, with many debates as to when we should finally get her poor little fuzz butt medical attention. She thankfully healed on her own, just as I was about to break down & take her to the vet.

Not to make light of the fact that they were sick, but Zira’s throw-up noise is THE FUNNIEST sound I’ve ever heard in my life. It begins with that usual choppy but also deep guttural *hork hork hork* followed by a very abrupt & very loud  scream “rrRAAHH!” as things made their way up & out. I couldn’t help but kinda lose my shit as I pet her & cleaned up the mess. I’m probably going to hell for this.

Me & K have enjoyed spending more time together during quarantine. We have only had 3 friends over since, all being of our regular weekly crew of Sarah, Greg, & Amanda, & all of who are otherwise self-quarantined. Sarah & Amanda came over last Saturday, Sarah made “Quarantinis,” a goddamn delicious cocktail of vodka, lemon, honey, & crystalized ginger. Us girls & K got quaran-trashed, ate dinner together, played Cards Against Humanity, & watched Waking Ned Devine.

We have been making the FUCK outta some food. This is easily the healthiest we’ve eaten in a long time. Thank God we both can cook.

The weather has been fairly forgiving & the two of us have made efforts to get outside as much as possible while it’s nice. K works from home with some good flexibility & I was fired about a month before corona shit hit the fan. We’re enjoying the local parklette & the humongous cemetery in walking distance from us. 

Yesterday was mostly blustery & rainy, save for a 2 hour break in the weather where it was sunny and around 70 degrees. We trekked through said cemetery. As we were on our way out, we rounded the bend of one of the long paths, along the side of a large grassy hill. From that initial perspective of the hill, there was a large pile of indiscernible objects about halfway up the hill. As we came around, we noticed the pile was next to a grave very freshly covered in dirt. Upon closer inspection it became apparent that the “pile” was actually a man wrapped in blankets, with one arm stretched over the dirt of the grave. On the road at the bottom of the hill was what I assumed to be his car. I don’t know who he was, I don’t know who he lost, but they’re burned into my memory forever. It was one of those sights that breaks your entire heart. I cried a little & held K’s hand a little tighter as we made our way toward the gate. K kissed the top of my head & gave me a loving squeeze.

 I didn’t get fired over anything serious; my chronic migraines plus a personal failure to obtain intermittent FMLA in a timely manner resulted in termination. My bosses didn’t want to let me go, but you can only fight HR of a corporate health system so much. Oh well. I wasn’t happy there anymore anyway. After 3 years I was bored, having trained up as much as possible without my degree. Some toxic personalities made their way onto our floor staff in the last year which made some shifts absolute hell despite my efforts to avoid them & remain utterly professional. Aside from running out of money, I’ve been incredibly relaxed since being let go. I’ve even lost 4 pounds in the last month. My hair is currently a weird ginger-pink, the result of a failed self bleach job, but it’s not entirely embarrassing so I’m going to let it recover before I try it again & go teal.

I never got around to watching Breaking Bad when it was popular, but last night I finally saw the first episode. K has seen it before, it’s one of his favorite tv shows & he’s ecstatic to watch it together. One episode legit got me hooked already. I know the premise of the show & I can’t wait to see how it pans out.

The political fuckery around this has been.... ugh. I wanted to say “staggeringly defunct” but what else is there to be expected from this current administration? I have designed most of my tumblr to be apolitical but that will change with these specific entries. I’m politically outspoken on Facebook & Twitter & I wanted one or two platforms that could just be fun and neutral. My current politics are very leftist, a head-spinning 180 degree turn from my upbringing & early voting habits. The last four years have sent me purposefully, intentionally & determinedly headlong into the progressive movement, feminism, and hunger for democratic socialism. The only conservative thing left about me is my stubborn remaining infatuation with firearms & gratitude for the 2A. Counterintuitively I’m very pro-sensible gun control, but having the discussion with either side of the issue mostly leaves me wanting to knock heads together. 

I digress, the administration’s response to the pandemic has been unsurprisingly subpar, yet somehow not as awful as I expected. Trump went from “not a big deal” & “liberal media hoax” to “oh shit, I actually better get my shit together for this” real quick. I don’t know if it’s because it’s an election year or if there’s actually a shred of competency that’s been hiding under the comb-over but I’ll take what we can get from him, including that $1000 check. Getting unemployment has been a bitch. None of this however, changes the fact that Republicans have known about the crisis since December & instead of preparing the public, decided insider trading was a better idea. This doesn’t change the fact that the DOJ is trying to invoke indefinite detention as a “crisis response” and the only thing standing in the way are House Democrats. And it doesn’t change the fact that our hospital system is overloaded & underfunded, and the Republican controlled government would still rather bail out large corporations as we plunge into an inevitable recession. 

I’ve spent too much energy fighting ignorant shit sticks on the internet over all this, including people I know in real life. I gotta keep remembering that all I can do is my best, that you can’t change the world but you can make a dent. On that note, I finally introduced K to Danny DeVito’s cinematic masterpiece Death To Smoochy.

Today I finished reading Darker Than Amber by John D. MacDonald. Quick, fun read, definitely a product of it's time.

That’s all I have in me for today. My neck hurts. Sleep sweet and WASH YOUR FILTHY PAWS. 

#covid19 #covid_19 #corona virus #coronavirus #quarantine #social distancing #wash your damn hands #diary #journal #the fuckening #the fuckening diary #death to smoochy #pandemic

[powcrhour]

school starts up again for me next week so i just wanted to say somethings

          i’ve officially been in the tumblr rp community for over a year now and have been writing and rping far longer than that. it’s both been great and terrible. i made my first rp blog as a side blog to my personal and it was a dark rp bc my partner at the time would rlly only let me write him since they wrote anti. later, i grew interested in the other iplier egos and made rp-ipliers as another side blog on the 15th december 2017. after that i made my marvin sideblog. then, later on, behind my partners back i made an anti blog because i wanted to explore him more. really, it is from that anti blog that i met everyone i know today. and i just wanted to thank everyone who has stuck around through everything. through all my phases and stresses and remaking of graphics and whatever. i know whos been with me since the start, even if we dont interact. i know. i truly have been blessed to meet what friends i have all because i rebelled against my toxic ex.

          that being said, when school starts up this year, im going to be trying really hard to break old habits and to try to place school above tumblr. it’s my last year in highschool and this year i plan to work two jobs so i’ll need all the study time i can get at school so i can get decent grades for when i move and perhaps pursue further education. along with that i want to nurture my hobbies more. my art has been neglected and i have a drawing tablet now and i want to explore animation. i own a ukelele and a bass guitar that i barely know how to play. ive also been getting into cosplay and makeup recently as much of an amateur i am at it, i just really want to have things in my life besides tumblr because it’s so fucking stressful to only have writing as a hobby but the writing depends on other people, yknow? like i’ve forgotten how to write for myself now beside one-off poems that are mainly just me venting. i want to write a novel one day so i need to reteach myself somethings.

          basically, im going to be less active when school starts. i have other priorities this year including my relationships, my studies and earning money. discord will still be open to conversations and plotting if it isnt blocked on school wifi

#⦀▎🦇 ❛ i ʰᵒᵖᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ᴵ'ᵐ ʳᵘᵈᵉ ❜ — ☾ OOC ☽

[alittledizzy]

a long-winded but true story in which the moral is: why being able to talk about penises freely but not vaginas/vulvas is dangerous

this is about something that happened to me lately that could be considered tmi but you know what? it’s about physical health for a body part which in my case is no more sexual than my knee, so: if you find this story squeamish because physical health talk in general makes you uncomfortable that’s fair enough, but if it makes you uncomfortable specifically because it’s about physical health regarding my vulva (unless you have a specific reason for the idea of vulvas making you uncomfortable) it’s even more important that you in particular read this

(trigger warnings for antibiotic drugs/pills; mentions of vomit, abuse, genital mutilation, rape)

so two sundays ago i woke up and long story short it felt like my vulva was on fire with the amount of irritation it was experiencing — i’m not just talking about mild itching, i’m talking about ‘if this were a pain scale in the hospital for an injury that the nurse/doctor is giving you it would be a solid 6 or 7 for ‘severe, cannot concentrate on everyday activities as a result’’ irritation and pain, and it only got worse whenever i needed the toilet (which was frequently). so i couldn’t focus on anything, but it was okay because i knew exactly what to d- no, i didn’t. i had no idea what to do. i’d never been taught about everyday vulval health to the extent that i wasn’t even sure if this irritation was supposed to be an issue or not. that might sound stupid, especially considering i’ve been living with my vulva for decades, but: - it wasn’t the first time i’d experienced that irritation (only this time was the worst) - i’d never been able to discuss vulval health openly with anyone because no one had ever made it clear to me that i could talk to them about it if i needed to for whatever reason - and thus i’d never heard anyone complain about any similar experiences - therefore i couldn’t be sure whether it was normal or not - additionally the number of times i’d heard the phrase ‘UTI’ was lower than the number of digits on my hand - and even though i knew what it stood for i still had had no idea what the symptoms might include

so, because of my lack of education about vulval health, and especially because i was embarrassed about it — considering my entire life i’d been grown up surrounded by the attitude of ‘if it’s not absolutely necessary to discuss your vagina, don’t’, which funnily enough sounds like the saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all” (which is where the topics stigmatisation and misogyny come in, because that attitude implies that vaginal health is a dirty or improper or ‘rude’ topic to talk about in comparison to phallic health) — i didn’t do anything. i’d never been given the knowledge to be able to know that something was wrong, and i’d always been subliminally taught that it wasn’t socially acceptable to discuss vaginas or vulvas anyway, so i said nothing and researched nothing. monday to thursday i suffered in complete silence, still going into work and trying my best to act like nothing was wrong, even though the pain felt like the equivalent to a severe migraine (i’ve had plenty of migraines, thanks genetics, so i can judge). the only time i got a break from the pain was when i was asleep, and even then sometimes i woke up in the middle of the night because it burned so much, during which points i lost a lot of sleep because it took a couple of hours to drop back to sleep from sheer exhaustion. it was this constant never-ending demon that i couldn’t ignore or forget or ameliorate with medicinal creams of any kind, and what made it even worse was that during that week my work was undergoing intensely difficult graded assessment. i was stressed, in constant pain, loosing sleep and fucking terrified at what was going on.

thursday afternoon and i decided i’d had enough. i was suffering too much that even though i had no idea whether it was even an unnatural thing or not, i knew that whatever it was i couldn’t let it control me so much anymore. i couldn’t talk to my mates or anyone else about it because the mentioned internalised stigmatisation, so i ended up asking my own mother about it (which even now i still feel annoyingly embarrassed about, annoyingly because i know i shouldn’t feel embarrassed when it’s about my goddamned wellbeing). when she inevitably told me that no, it’s not normal to be in that much pain, i was relieved because it meant that i wasn’t just overreacting, but now even more scared because i now knew something was wrong and to someone as ignorant on the topic as me, it could have been anything. she told me to see a doctor as soon as possible, which i did.

i managed to see a doctor the very next day, on the friday (bless the nhs); i knew at the time that there was no shame in talking about what had been happening (again, it’s my health and health takes priority) and i knew that to the doctor it wouldn’t matter because that’s what they’re trained to do, to help your medical issues regardless of any potential disgust factor, but i still felt embarrassed as hell about it all. i described what i was going through, gave the obligatory urine sample etc etc and lo and behold, i did indeed have a UTI. he gave me antibiotics, which i duly took friday through to last sunday, and then it was gone! celebrations!

now here’s the thing. although i left it a long time to see the doctor, i still managed to catch it before it spread to the kidneys. during that appointment we had discussed it and it was revealed that thank god it had not yet spread, BUT if it HAD spread i would have started to experience the following symptoms, as stated by the doctor himself: - back pains - fever - headaches - fatigue - nausea and vomiting additionally, if it had spread to the kidneys and been left untreated, it could have also led to the following in the long run: - decreased or weakened kidney function - if my kidney was already weak, the possibility of overall kidney failure - the infection spreading to the bloodstream - therefore spreading to other organs so you can probably understand at this point why it’s lucky that i saw the doctor and caught it when i did, before it escalated even further. however, even as it was, i still didn’t see the doctor for nearly a full week after infection, and even after being prescribed with antibiotics the pain lasted until the day after i took my final pill, which was last monday. eight days of constant pain, internalised embarrassment, sleep loss, fear/paranoia (especially when it seemed like the antibiotics weren’t working by the last day), and reduced potential in the workplace. in fact, i looked it up, and i can actually receive extra credit for those graded assignments considering i fell under the category of “experiencing a distracting minor illness” as long as i provide a doctor’s note proving that i had the appointment.

eight days of constant pain, sleep loss, fear, paranoia and reduced potential in the workplace. and you know how this could have been avoided? if my social environment had felt safe enough for me to speak up about the issue, the issue being my vulval health, and if i had been taught enough previously to know that something was wrong.

during school all i’d ever learned about my genitalia is how menstruation, fertilisation, pregnancy and birth worked in bio class, and outside of/after school i’d basically never been taught anything. i’d never been taught about everyday vaginal/vulval health topics such as masturbation and UTIs — my parents had never taught me anything about such things (except how to use sanitary products) because they were too embarrassed and had expected the school to do it, and the school never taught me about those things beyond what we had to learn for biology or for pshe (where we only learned about contraception) because they expected my parents to teach me, so in my youth i was stuck in the middle, not knowing that i was supposed to learn all these things for my own good health and thus i never taught myself.

keep in mind that during and since secondary school i’ve been living in the uk, which compared to some other countries is pretty forward-thinking with issues like misogyny and wellbeing. now imagine how fucked i would have been in a culture where women are taught even less about their own bodies, where women are outright viewed as inferior, are viewed as less or not at all deserving of knowledge or rights to their own bodies, where women are frequently abused or raped or forced to undergo genital mutilation, or any other kind of abuse. all of society has a massive issue with letting people talk about their genital health, especially when it is specifically about vaginas or vulvas rather than penises, but i’m fortunate enough to be living in a country where i at least have the right to attempt to control how much suffering my body goes through, but in many other cultures a woman’s body is not considered her own right or her own property, and the thought of a woman even discussing her own health in a shameless or self-empowering manner is unimaginable. all of society shows more disdain towards discussion of vaginal/vulval health than phallic (for want of a better word to relate to penises) health, because of the still-widely internalised attitude that vaginas and the like are inherently dirty or sexual. the only difference is that some cultures look down upon such discussion more than others.

it is for these reasons that even “small” things, such as being afraid to directly mention vaginas and vulvas while having no hesitation in mentioning penises, contribute to misogynistic oppression. vaginas and vulvas are automatically thought of as sexual whether the context regarding them is sexual or not, while penises are viewed less frequently as sexual and more as jokes. because vaginas and vulvas are more likely to be viewed as sexual even if the context has absolutely nothing to do with sex, it leads people to view the discussion or context as dirty and improper, which brings shame upon the person whose vagina/vulva is being discussed. like this post, for example. nothing about this post is describing my vulva or vagina in a sexual context. i am not describing my sex life. i am not a sexual person. i do not use my vagina or vulva for sexual reasons, i am not sexually active and i am not seeking sex, so my vagina and vulva are about as sexual as my knees (hint: not at all sexual). i am simply describing my general health regarding them, i am not sexualising them, so this post deserves no shame but does deserve every equal amount of consideration and maturity that might be given to a post about a hypothetical infection in my knee. i suffered so much and for so long from my UTI simply because i was embarrassed (because of internalised misogyny) and uneducated (something that is also because of societal misogyny, the lack of education regarding all genital health rather than just reproductive health), and if i had let that hold me back any longer, as my doctor so described, the infection could have spread to my vital organs and caused much more serious problems that could have led to me being admitted to hospital.

tl;dr no one deserves shame simply for whatever genitalia they may have, and no one deserves shame for wanting to discuss and seek answers or cures for genital health problems. if we are told not to discuss our genitalia whatever the context because it is viewed as “improper”, we are made to feel ashamed and therefore hesitant to speak up and seek help. we (‘we’ referring to anyone with a vulva/vagina) are unfairly prevented from feeling shameless and empowered with our bodies, which results in oppression both because we are made to feel inferior and because we are less likely to seek medical guidance or help even when we most need it, resulting in unnecessary suffering (and potentially even death or at least a close encounter with it in some cases). this is why prejudice against open discussion of vaginas or vulvas is not excusable in any manner, and why i’m frankly disgusted with the amount of people who say it’s “not a big deal” when such prejudice is expressed (particularly since a fair amount of said people probably have vaginas/vulvas themselves)

(submission from @imagjnative)

#this is an amazing post #thank you for submitting it #and i'm really glad you're feeling better now #submission

[rebel-red-rants]

Apparently, I can’t do anything nice for other people 

I’ve been working on my girlfriend’s birthday present in secret, and I decided to tell my mom about it. She thought it was really sweet and that made me happy since my parents are over protective and privacy has been an issue. I decided to work on it last night and I’m almost finished and I’m really proud of it. 

Today though, we got in an argument. She believes that I shouldn’t tell her “garbage information” anymore (I have to sell things for an organization I’m in, and since she’s in charge of my money for it, I thought that it would be useful to tell her that the money is due at the end of the month) apparently she thought it was useless crap that she shouldn’t be aware of since I still haven’t finished selling the items yet. She also loves to assume random bullshit about me based off what she thinks I’m doing versus what I’m actually doing. She tells me she trusts me 100% when she really only trusts the accusations she makes up in her head. She told me that I’m getting behind in my classes (which I’m not, I just needed to finish a couple of comprehension questions for religion since they were due on a day I was sick, and she believes I’m behind in my online course since I didn’t submit my work when she wanted me to submit it, not when it was actually due. She thinks that I’m spending all of my time working on my girlfriend’s present and that I’m slacking off in my classes, and that the hour I took in the evening to work on it could’ve been used on homework and that I should also take my lunch hours and work as well.

But here’s the thing, she is being extremely hypocritical. 

I am a straight A student. Over the last two years I’ve been working through my lunches every day, dropping school clubs, skipping after-school activities and not eating my lunch due to me working on work through lunch. She told me that I shouldn’t isolate myself on behalf of my education and that I should be hanging out with friends, doing things that I enjoy, and working on homework when I get home. Now that I take the time to take on a small art project that is therapeutic for me over my fucking lunch hour mind you, not during class and that is temporary and literally going to end this week since HER BIRTHDAY IS ON SATURDAY! I’m just so tired of it. She is so controlling. She controls my life, invades my privacy and blames it on her childhood, which was like 40 years ago where circumstances were really different. In her mind, the only person who I can go out of my way to do something nice for, is her. She will never let me forget about how I don’t help out enough. She got mad at me when I took notes for a friend. Her life isn’t that bad, but she blows a fuse when I don’t set the table when she thinks of it in her head. She makes jokes about how she’s a maid and a slave but who knows what she really does during the day. I could make the same accusations about her, based on evidence I don’t have. She could get a job, I would like her to get a job. Go out and do something for yourself, boost your self-esteem and confidence. But no. 

I tell her that she shouldn’t decide how hard I’m working. That I’ve sacrificed so much for my education and my grades. None of that matters to her. 

She believes that all I care about is my girlfriend. I barely talk about her to her since I fear that it’s going to turn into an argument about how her being my girlfriend is making me slack off in school, and confusing my priorities. I am an honours student. I know how to prioritize. My education is my number one priority. But she sees things from the Psychological Adolescent point of view. How she’s watched documentaries about how adolescents are so inexperienced in life, how we have poor judgement due to hormones and peer pressure. I believe that despite my inexperience in life, my opinion and my values should be respected, and not shot down and labeled as “oh that’s just your adolescent mind speaking” but at least tolerated. I believe that during adolescence, teenagers start to develop their own values, opinions, and morals and start challenging tradition. This scares our parents since they have had control over us for so long, basing our lives off of their morals, and values therefore telling us that it’s our minds making stuff up. But it is not. We are growing as people, we are growing into young adults where they can’t control us as much as they used to. And since they so desperately want to instill their beliefs into us, they will do anything to make us believe that our values/morals/beliefs are wrong. 

So I’m going to continue being happy with my girlfriend. She makes me feel so special, and happy. Whenever I’m around her, I forget about all of the negative things in my life, and that is really hard to find in a person. 

So if she keeps this up, she is only going to distance herself farther away from me. I am eventually going to live an independent life with my own morals, opinions, and beliefs and be happy, not trapped. 

#red speaks #rant

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

#acid.txt #this took a while but :wahoo:

[travelingthroughtimejjs]

High school- and friends

When i went through that first enlightenment period of my life, I realized I didn’t really have much money. Sure my dad paid for me to participate in sports and stuff but I didn't have money of my own and couldn’t really get the things that I wanted in life. So I worked my ass off doing just random small jobs for my dad’s friends and at home to earn money, I was always working to try and make myself into something.

I saved up enough to buy my first iPhone in grade 8 and bought myself a longboard, which were big purchases for me back then. I applied to get my young workers certificate the day I turned 14 and gave a resume to every single store in cornerstone. My resume was shit, I hadn't done anything at that point in my life besides raise money for relay for life and volunteer at the SPCA for 6 months. I only heard back from one place, Sobey’s and they laughed at me when I told them I was 14. So there went that dream.

In grade 9 my friend groups started to blend. All these people coming together from different backgrounds in one place. Being the social butterfly that I am, I tried to make a friendship with every single person in the grade. I actually think I did a pretty good job of this within those 4 years, I can say I had some sort of relationship with almost every single person by the end of grade 12. 

It also gave me the opportunity for my friends to meet each other, I introduced people like Short and Matt to the people that I’ve been hanging out with for years. I became really close with Corrigal and our friend group hungout almost every single day together. There were a lot of us but we would have our own parties and get together to drink at someone’s house almost every weekend. The guys I was closest with at this point were Josh, Liam, Matt, Tyler, Jaxon, Jeremy (who I just met), Reese, Corrigal, Short and although he was still in elementary school kept a relationship with Rhys. 

The girls in our group were also pretty cool back then, spent time with Kate, Taryn, Nikki, Sydney, Selena, Billie and Cami. 

I didn’t really try the hardest in school until grade 12, I was more so focused on having fun and my sports. 

Throughout the years the girls started to care less about us and were doing their own thing. I started making some friendships with some other guys that I didn’t ever have the opportunity before like Crawf and Fuzz. 

My mom was really reflecting on her health and she knew we were going to be leaving soon so she let me throw huge 100 person parties in our basement a couple times in grade 9. Pretty wild for some 14/15 year olds. 

At this time I started kind of getting into the dating scene, nothing ever really came out of it but I was learning. I couldn’t drive at this point but I started going on date’s with a girl named Emma. I would pay to go golfing, go to the movies, we’d go play tennis or we would just hangout at one of our houses. We were even posting pictures on our social media together. Seemed like everything was going good until she randomly texted me one day saying that we couldn’t keep seeing each other, it was pretty random but I went with it. We still hungout from time to time after, even went on a few more dates but nothing came from it. I later found out that her reasoning was that I was too short for her, which was honestly pretty valid because she was 6 foot tall and I was 5 foot 7 haha.

Everyday after school Jaxon and Tyler would come over to my house and we would watch hours of Netflix together practice beer pong in my basement. That changed at the end of grade 9, Matt had asked me if I wanted to come volunteer with him at an event at the Co-op where he worked, of course I said yes because I didn’t really have much going on ever besides working out. I met the HR person from the Co-op at this event, Matthew, and he loved how charismatic I was, asked me if I wanted a job at the Co-op with Matt. I was super happy because the prior year I tried so hard to find a job. 

I worked my ass off at the co-op. Matt left after a couple months of me being there which meant I was the only student left around to close the Meat department. That meant I was going in after football practice for 3 hours to do all the intensive cleaning. As you can see, school still wasn’t my biggest priority. I wanted to buy a vehicle so i worked as much as I could. This was in grade 10.

Grade 10 was a pretty big year for the boys. We ventured out from our small group parties into huge parties, the rookie party era started and the boys weren’t shy about going out. We went to everything, no matter what. I always said I wasn’t going to let work interfere with my social life so I would show up to the Co-op absolutely drunk as fuck still from the night before on multiple occurrences. But the boys meant so much to me that it was worth ti every time. At every party you could find me talking to people’s parents, building relationships with everyone I could. I grew especially close with Jeremy and Liam at this point and we did basically everything together. I still maintained my brotherhood with Josh, a task I always found easy no matter how different of things we were doing. Grade 10 I became pretty close friends with Dyllen. Tyler wasn’t really associated with our group due to fucking up too many times. 

I also continued with my relationship building skills. I wanted to be remembered by every single person, so I put in so much effort into getting to know people deep down and trying to actually become their friend, asking them the real questions. I did this especially with my teachers at school, I was always asking them about their life at home and I got some really personal stories from teachers like Mme Chan, Miss Welter and Mr. Germs. I think I earned the respect of every teacher in high school. At the same time I was still my attention seeking self and wanted to be heard in class. I volunteered to read every time the class was asked upon and tried to crack some well timed jokes. At work I learned so much from the adults there and got basically their whole life stories. I loved to learn about other people, it made them feel special and it built a strong connection with them.

They started hiring more young people at Co-op around this time. I made some awesome friendships with people like Zach, Dante and Ivan. Especially Zach though, we would spend every single break together either going for lunch or playing baseball behind the store.

I had my second real thing with a girl in the summer between grade 10 and grade 11. Her name was Brooklyn. Dyllen was dating her best friend Jaici at the time and had invited me up to Brooklyn’s cabin to hangout for the July long weekend. I was off from work and thought we might as well go. I met Brooklyn and we hit it off instantly. She was fresh off a breakup though so I wanted to give her some space. She ended up getting back together with her boyfriend after a couple weeks and we obviously stopped talking. Then when her and her boyfriend broke up again she texted me immediately. This was right at the beginning of grade 11 and we spent a lot of days hanging out together, with Dyllen and Jaici some of those times. She wasn’t ready for anything serious so we just eventually stopped talking. She ended up dating Matt a few years later.

A lot of the same old at the beginning of grade 11. For me, playing football, partying and spending time with the boys. I loved it, formed so many good relationships with those guys. I became really close to Rahman at this point. Halloween of that year my life changed drastically, but I’ll write more about that later. I started dating Eden and that meant my time with the boys plummeted. I was super busy at this point in my life. I was playing basketball 6 times a week, playing hockey 2-4 times a week and working every Sunday. I somehow balanced it all but lost touch with the boys because of it.

Long weekends were always such a special time for our group. Everyone would take the weekends off from work and gather at the lake for a weekend of catching up. They really kept the boys together in a way that is hard to describe. For me I almost didn’t play spring football one year so that I could go to May Long but I got talked into playing from the coaches. Aug long was my time to shine and I always appreciated Rhys’ and Corrigals’s hospitality towards me. 

The end of grade 11 was the second huge reflective moment of my life. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. My career choice at the time was to be an architect based off of Ted Mosbey from How I Met Your Mother. I was taking a drafting and design class and I loved it, took all three levels (10, 20, and 30). I needed to figure out how I was going to turn into it into my career, so my choice was to apply for Engineering at the University of Saskatchewan and specialize in structural engineering and then move on to the University of Calgary to get a degree in architecture. I started trying extremely hard in school to set myself up for this path. Jaxon and his girlfriend also broke up when we were in grade 11 and the guy has never been the same since.

I was working almost full time at co-op, while still participating in my spring sports and didn’t have as much for the boys due to me trying hard in school now with that other stuff. I didn’t have any money to go to school, maybe 5000, which wouldn’t get me far so I needed to keep working.

In grade 11 my grandpa had died and although I saw it coming and was extremely sad, he left me 5000, this money really helped me get my education. 

In grade 12 I was the biggest try hard in school, and I was getting awesome marks because of it, as good as I really could get while playing a bunch of sports and still working a bunch. But I also came to a realization that all those relationships I had worked so hard on for those 4 years were going to come to an end, I wouldn’t be able to see the same people everyday and have those real conversations with them. I started going out a bunch again in grade 12 because that was what I felt I needed to do to hold onto those relationships. It was tough to balance everything but I always made it work. 

Billie and Cami were still super good friends of mine throughout all of high school and we sat together in every class. I was going to ask Cami to grad but she ended up asking Rhys before I had the chance.

Grade 12 I formed the tightest bond I think I ever had with Josh even after knowing him for so long, we had such similar career paths in mind that we helped each other strive towards them. That’s when Jackson came along so become one of my best friends, although his work ethic was a little different than ours, he was naturally smarter and didn’t have to work to the same degree, he still had very similar ambitions that helped us grow together towards our goal. We all planned our university lives together and spent a bunch of time as a group, we planned to find a place together. Our original plan was to get a place at College Quarters but when I called to ask about the availability when we got accepted in January, they had said that the application deadline was in November so we were way too late. Thank God though because the situation we found ourselves in was a million times better. At co-op they hired a kid named Lucas who I took under my wing and made a really good friend of mine.

Me, Josh and Jackson were so set on this goal of moving to Saskatoon and we knew it wasn’t going to be cheap, when the graduating class was all pushing the idea that we should go to Mexico as a grad trip, the three of us initially decided against it. We were thinking that 2000 could mean two months of living in Saskatoon. I think I was the first one to come to the realization and I brought it to the boys. We were NEVER going to have an opportunity like that again, so we signed up. I was lucky because my dad and Nicole combined some money together and gave me 1100$ to go. The trip ended up being around 3000 by the same all the money was spent there, but I don’t regret it one bit.

Grad retreat was a super special day to me. One last effort to spend time with all the people that I tried to befriend throughout my 4 years. I’ll never forget that big tackle football game the boys had going on. It was also an opportunity to let everyone know how grateful we were. I wrote so many notes and dropped them on peoples baskets for them to read later. I still go back and read the notes people wrote me at least once a year.

At graduation time all the work I put into my relationships was finally coming together. I received the highest valued scholarship at the St Mary Grad ceremony, I was getting really nervous because as the list dwindled down my name wasn’t getting called and i really thought I wasn’t going to win anything. But there it came, the last scholarship 2 500 to the person who displayed what it’s like to lead in all aspects of life. All the teachers had voted me this person, I didn’t have the best marks in our class, I had a 94% average in grade 12, there were about 20 people with higher averages than that but at the end of the day it was my personality that had me winning, maybe not deservingly so because there were a lot of brilliant people who were also leaders in different ways. I also won a 500 $ scholarship from the Kinsmen Club Prince Albert for being a community leader and then 250 $ for having the highest average in Drafting and Design 30 (in which I was the only student). I also got a 700$ scholarship from the co-op that i worked at. Pair those winnings with the 2000$ entrance scholarship I got from the U of S, I was capable of attending university. I had about 7000 saved from the co-op, 5500 in scholarship money and the 5000 from my grandpa’s inheritance, this was enough to take me through the first couple of years. 

[theday]

tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes... 

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that! 

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim 

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums. 

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive 

2. what are you looking forward to? 

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS. 

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^( 

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :( 

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??  

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase ! 

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them......... 

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS... 

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild 

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

#tag games #moon texts #its with the s righthd hsjdhd