#elegy for my father

[poetrysmackdown]

hi hiii i wanted to say that your account is so refreshing to see, esp with the passion you have for the arts. as someone who's been meaning to read (and write) more poetry, do you have any recommendations? some classics that everyone and their mothers know? perhaps some underrated pieces that changed you? or even just authors you like, I'm very open to suggestions :]]

Hi! Thank you so much for this kind ask :) So exciting that you’re looking to delve deeper into reading and writing! I had to take a little time to answer this because my thoughts were all over the place lol.

For a review of notable/classic poems/poets, I honestly just recommend looking at lists online or, hell, just binging Wikipedia pages for different countries’ poetry if that’s something you’re into, just to get a sense of the chronology. I read one of those little Oxford Very Short Introductions on American Poetry and thought it was pretty good, but online is quicker if you’re just searching for poets or movements to hone in on. Poetry Foundation also has lots of resources, in addition to all the poems in their database. I guess my one big classic recommendation would have to be Emily Dickinson (<3), but really the best move is just to find a poet you already enjoy and then look around to see who their peers were/are, who they were inspired by, who they’ve maybe translated here and there, etc. and follow it down the line as far as you can.

For some personal recs, here are some collections I’ve really enjoyed over the past two years or so. Bolded favorites, and linking where select poems from the book have been published online. But also, if you want a preview of a couple poems from another of the books to see if they interest you, DM me and I can send them over! You can also feel free to pilfer through my poetry tag for more stuff lol

Autobiography of Death by Kim Hyesoon trans. Don Mee Choi

Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings by Joy Harjo

DMZ Colony by Don Mee Choi

Hardly War by Don Mee Choi

Whereas by Layli Long Soldier

Geography III by Elizabeth Bishop

Dictee by Theresa Hak Kyung Cha

Don’t Let Me Be Lonely: An American Lyric by Claudia Rankine

Mouth: Eats Color—Sagawa Chika Translations, Anti-Translations, & Originals by Sawako Nakayasu

The Selected Poems of Osip Mandelstam trans. W.S. Merwin and Clarence Brown

The Branch Will Not Break by James Wright

This Journey by James Wright

God’s Silence by Franz Wright

Duino Elegies by Rainer Maria Rilke (the translation I read was by Alfred Corn—I thought it was great, but idk if there are better ones out there!)

DMZ Colony, Hardly War, Dictee, Don’t Let Me Be Lonely, and partially Whereas are all book-length poems with some prose poetry and varying levels of weirdness/denseness/multilingualism—if you were to pick one to start with, I’d say do Don’t Let Me Be Lonely or Whereas. Mouth: Eats Color is some experimental translations of Japanese modernist poet Chika Sagawa, with other translations and some of Nakayasu’s original stuff mixed in—it's definitely a bit disorienting but ultimately I remember having such fun with it, as much fun as Nakayasu probably had making it. It’s a book that emphasizes co-creation and a spirit of play, and completely changed my attitude towards translation.

If you’re less interested in that kind of formal fuckery stuff though (I get it), can’t go wrong with the other books! Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings is the one I read most recently, and it’s great—Harjo also featured in Round 1! Franz Wright also featured, and God's Silence is the collection which "Night Walk" comes from. James Wright (father of Franz) is one of my favorite poets of all time, though his poetry isn’t perfect. Even so, I’m honestly surprised he’s not doing numbers on Tumblr—Mary Oliver was a big fan of his, even wrote her "Three Poems for James Wright" after his death.

I mentioned in another post that one of my favorite poets is Paul Celan, so I’ll also recommend him here. I read Memory Rose into Threshold Speech which is a translated collection of his earlier poems, but it’s quite long if you’re just getting to know him as a poet—fortunately, both Poetry Foundation and Poets.org have a ton of his poems in their collections. There’s also an article by Ilya Kaminsky about him titled “Of Strangeness That Wakes Us” (!!!!!) that’s a great place to start, and is honestly kind of my whole mission statement when I’m reading and writing poetry. Looking at the books I’ve recommended above, a lot of them share feelings of separateness or alienation—from others, from oneself, from one’s country, from language—that breed strange, private modes of expression. That tends to be what I’m drawn to personally, and that’s some of what Kaminsky talks about.

Sorry of the length of this—I hope it's useful as a jumping-off point! And if you or anyone ends up exploring any of these poets, let me know what you think! If folks wanna reply with recommendations themselves too that'd be great :)

#ask #not a poll #i originally was going to link to previews of the books directly on this post but for some reason I suddenly feel very paranoid about #copyright LMAO. ik this blog is already like copyright infringement central but I feel like I can at least make an argument for the polls #being fair use lol. in the way that i could not for the pdf previews I made. (i also have a full pdf of hardly war if anyone wants lol) #and i know it's not entirely rational bc this is tumblr and nobody looks on tumblr. but i'm not used to having this many followers lol so i #admittedly just getting anxious about silly things #but please please feel free to DM me! or send an ask off anon #discussion

[thedearidiot]

My brother places his rifle in my hands after clearing the chamber. Its oak stock still warm with his sweat. Everything is the color of gunmetal: fields layered with snowfall at dusk, the distant milk jugs, dusk itself. He folds his arms around my body, molds my finger to the trigger. I miss the easier silences that once rested between us. Our father is not yet dead, but it doesn’t matter. We both know the shape grief takes: a loaded gun held flush against the shoulder. One empty casing after another spinning through the frostbitten air.

- Chris Hayes, Elegy Reserved for Future Use.

#chris hayes #poetry #am i my brother's keeper? #supernatural

[lskisms]

YOU, AT LEAST, WERE BUILT TO GO, J. MILLER

. . . which is why you are able to be loved

synopsis — joel is getting older, he is getting frail, and you, still in your youth, have to come to terms with it. you just have to do so much sooner than you thought when he’s hurt during your attempt to escape the university of eastern colorado.

genres &&. warnings — angst, hurt/comfort, (post) apocalypse &&. canon compliant, spoilers for ep. 6 “kin” and ep. 7 “left behind,” contemplation of death, canon-typical violence (wound, gore, blood, wound care), age-gap (reader is in their mid-late 20s).

word count — 3.2k

note from r — title comes from the poem “elegy for my innocence” by steven dunn. i suppose i need to introduce myself a little: i’m rhi, i’m 22, and i’m in my second to last semester of college where i’m majoring in english. obvi, a big fan of the last of us, but also resident evil (which is what i’ve based my account aesthetic on, courtesy of my beloved leon s. kennedy). my ask box is open for people who want to send in asks and things. i’m really looking forward to writing for my fellow joel miller lovers.

if your parents were still alive, if they were around to see the life you’ve carved for yourself over the last few months, you’re certain your dad would want to smack the shit out of you and your mother would disown you from the family faster than you could blink.

you can hear the chastising now: a man old enough to be your father? are you joking? what the fuck is wrong with you? this is not what we meant when we told you we wanted you to start a family. 

and you can’t fault them really. you are almost twenty years his senior, having been just a young child when the cordyceps outbreak decimated the world. if the world had stayed normal, if none of this had ever happened, you’d probably have a dead end corporate job that has you wanting to drop off the face of the earth at the end of every grueling day, married and going home to a man complacent and yielding in every aspect, never too sure of himself to assert any kind of dominance, stuck in his own dead end job that keeps you comfortable just enough.

but the world isn’t normal and it hasn’t been since 2003. and there’s nothing you can do about it. you feel like a child again, wholly the depiction of the angsty teen in dramas and romcoms, as you tell the ghosts of your parents that the heart wants what it wants and i can’t help that i fell in love with a man going starlight gray at his temples. it is wholly melodramatic, something that you would have seen in any number of teen dramas written by out-of-touch, old white men.

joel miller came into your life like a lone crimson leaf during the fall, sometime during your first few months at the boston quarantine zone. it wasn’t like he’d meant to because everything that man did and does is deliberate; he’d simply waltzed across your line of vision as you’d walked back to your apartment after a long day of doing menial chores, the new world equivalent of that mental-health-issue inducing corporate job that the older people of the zone talked about.

you’d heard of him, of course: joel miller, flown in from somewhere down south, a menace to anyone who crossed his path prior to his arrival in boston, a brother somewhere out in the midwest who had taken off and joined the fireflies. he was decidedly unapproachable, gruff and mean and stubborn. most people were more scared of him than they were of fedra for the simple fact that he was more deadly with his two bare hands than any fedra idiot (sorry, “soldier”) with a gun.

he wasn’t a person who you intended to mess around with, no matter how handsome you’d thought he was when you saw him that first time. but then you’d started hanging around with tess, one of very few people who had any kind of stable-enough connection with him and that had led to you meeting and hanging around with him too. tess invited you to go on runs with them, sneaking out of the zone at night to stretch your legs and look for supplies that fedra definitely had and refused to give up. she’d preached your capabilities to joel and, stubborn as he was, he’d allowed you to keep coming with them after the first time because you proved to be spry enough for things that he and tess had grown a little too old for: you were useful to him and that filled you with a kind of thrilling gratification.

by the time marlene had tasked your little trio with getting ellie out of the city, you were a year deep into your entanglement with joel where you did all the recreational talking and he was the one who made the deals with the fireflies, the fedra goons he had in his pocket, the people who had things to trade. it was a balance that worked well for you: joel was well-versed in persuasion when he wanted to be and you were seemingly the only person who could draw out the rare ghost of a smile or a laugh from him.

it was supposed to be a quick job, one that joel had insisted you sit out but you’d refused. just a quick round trip tpe thing, that’s what you’d said to him. we’ll be out and back before anybody even realizes we’re gone. 

that had gone belly-up, of course, because anything that involved the fireflies had at least a 99% chance of not turning out the way anyone planned. and when you’d left the museum, you were down a friend and up a whole ton of miles. joel had tried to convince you again to leave, but once more you’d refused. tess died for us, joel. i’m in this until the end because i’m making sure her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.

and he’d let you stay. even months after that discussion, you think that he must feel at least a tiny bit grateful that you’d argued with him over it, that you’d fought to tag along. you’re an extra set of eyes, of hands, someone capable of taking over when he needs a break, which is hardly ever because he’s still as ornery as always, but knowing that there’s someone there who can must be nice enough.

and you’re glad he’d given in for once in his life because he’s dying beneath your hands and you’re not sure what to do. he’s going sallow and gray on the concrete floor of this ransacked house, breathing raspy and eyes slipping between you and some far-off point above him. joel is dying and for the first time ever since entering his life, you’re useless.

“joel, stay awake, please,” you beg, clutching at his hand as you kneel beside him. “ellie, you have to stop the bleeding.”

“i’m trying,” the young girl snaps. when she looks up, all you see is a girl who is reliving a loss, a deer caught in headlights, frenzied and terrified. her hands press the cloth harder over joel’s stomach in an attempt to staunch the blood flow and the man groans.

“leave,” he mumbles and your head snaps to look at him. he cannot possibly be saying this right now, not after everything you’ve been through. “leave. head north, go back to jackson. find tommy.”

“like hell we will,” you reply, trying to channel as much of his stubbornness as you can. you’d rather give up and drop dead right now than leave him to die alone in some fucking house in colorado. “we’re gonna fix this, joel. we’re not leaving, i’m not leaving.”

he’s slipping again, eyes glazing over. you can tell he wants to fight with you, but he’s losing the energy for it. for any of it. ellie stills and then tosses his jacket over him in a bid to keep him warm. she fixes you with a look, his look that says stay with him, so you nod solemnly, brushing his hair back from his forehead. you hear her footsteps on the stairs and only when the door shuts behind her do you finally let yourself break, weeping openly over joel’s chest, rising and falling so, so shallowly.

falling in love with this man has been something beautiful, some kind of phoenix rising from the ashes of a long-dead world. over the last few months, you have come to learn the feel of his knuckles brushing against yours, the warmth of his chest against your back when you share a sleeping bag, the sound of his soft breaths as you’ve trekked through miles upon miles of woods and abandoned highways. you have come to appreciate those things, facets of him that only you are privy to, the only person to know the weight of his arm over your waist and feel of his breath against your shoulder.

but in doing so, in reveling in the knowledge that you are the sole person to experience these hidden away pieces of joel miller, you’ve forgotten just how much older he is than you are. that misty gray at his temples and in his beard have been so permanent, you’ve started to believe that he’s always looked like this, that it’s not a marker of his age. you’ve forgotten that he is older and growing frailer by the day, conveniently forgotten how his heart stutters and how his knees act up after hours and miles of walking.

you had always known, of course, that joel would eventually leave you, but not this soon. and not like this.

maybe it’s your fault for putting him on a pedestal: the great, unstoppable joel miller. in your mind, he’s untouchable, some formidable opponent who people fear because he’s strong and knows his way around a fight. it shouldn’t be a chunk of a broken baseball bat that ends his life because it’s not fair, none of this is fair. you’ve been a fool for thinking that the three of you, your unlikely little family, would make it out of this unscathed, for believing that you could live a life like bill and frank’s after this all was over: fulfilling, safe, and the closest resemblance of before.

“god,” you whimper out, still brushing your fingers through his salt and pepper hair. “how could you even consider telling us to leave you here, joel?”

he gazes up at you, blinks slowly, the smallest signs of life that tell you he’s listening and wanting to fight you back about it.

“y’can’t leave me alone here, old man.” a short, wet laugh. “we’ve got so much left to do. i can’t get ellie back to jackson without you. i can’t do anything without you.”

he shakes his head in response and narrows those dark eyes of his just a bit. you read it for what it is: don’t you start talkin’ about yourself like that. he’s always been hard on you for not believing in yourself and your abilities, and it makes you laugh again.

“i mean really, joel. first man i’ve ever loved and you’re telling me to leave you here to die alone in fucking colorado.” you shake your head, looking away to try to blink back tears. “i can’t- i can’t just go. i need you alive.”

you can’t even stop yourself from babbling through the tears, brushing his hair back and wiping away his own tears. even though you should be desensitized to death and loss, you’ve always been particularly sensitive. but you’re young and this is your first love, your only shot at it, and he’s bleeding out on a cold floor because you were too focused on everything else that you hadn’t been able to stop him from getting hurt.

“ain’t your fault,” joel rasps out, eyes shining in the dull winter light. you realize you voiced that, a placing of responsibility that you’d meant for yourself and yourself only. “don’t do that.”

you stare at him and you know what’s going through that head of his. all kinds of thoughts that he wants to voice out loud: it’s not your fault and you were doing the best you could in the situation and this was going to happen sooner or later. damn pessimistic realist, always focusing on the worst possible outcomes than entertaining any kind of optimism.

and in a twisted turn of events, you start to think of your parents, long gone and relegated solely to memory, buried somewhere between atlanta and boston: an optimistic dad and an overwhelmingly realistic mother, so far on opposite ends of a spectrum that they complemented each other perfectly. your dad, ever the poet, had stolen poetry collections from every bookstore he’d came across during your treks from settlement to settlement. his favorite poem, by far, was about the death of a person’s innocence, something always meant to die eventually, perpetually blushing and always coming back a little less pristine each time.

you remember it now as you’re holding joel’s hand with your own, pressing his knuckles against the soft plush of your cheek. you, at least, were built to go, you hear your father’s voice say in your head, which is why you are able to be loved. you haven’t thought about this poem in years, not since you lost him to a runner somewhere in south carolina, but it feels sickening that you’re recalling it now as you’re watching your first and only love die under your hands.

and yet, somehow, it feels comforting, the idea that to be human is to know that one day, a loved one will die, but to know that is to cherish them better, to love them harder. you’re not at all okay with joel dying because you’ve had so little time to love him, but it helps you to cherish those few late nights more, to revel in the memory of his warmth enveloping you on particularly cold nights.

you can let me go. joel’s dark eyes are going glossy again and you smile knowingly at him, still crying. he’s not dead yet and there’s a possibility that he’ll make it out of this alive, the outcome that you’re praying to every god that has ever existed for. you can let me go; it won’t be easy, but you can do it.

ellie’s feet as loud on the old wood stairs as she comes barreling through the door and down the stairwell. she looks rabid as she all but throws herself onto the floor beside joel, ripping the tan coat back and pulling the soaked cloth away. joel’s wound is still gushing blood, a sure sign that he’s well on his way to death, but when ellie makes eye contact with you, you know for sure she’s found something to help. she holds up a needle and spool of thread; she must have torn the entire house apart looking for her hail mary and she found it, she fucking found it. she stares at you, eyes wide and face red, breathing hard, waiting for your go ahead.

when you finally nod at her, fresh tears in your eyes, you look down at joel. his fingers curl around your palm tighter and he’s staring back, his eyes wide. you laugh tearfully, totally and entirely stunned that ellie had actually found a way to help.

“you’re gonna be okay,” you weep, pressing his hand to your forehead, letting your tears drip into your lap. “you’re gonna be okay, joel. just hang on.”

the next few minutes crawl by cruelly, joel surely leaving bruises on your hand from gripping yours too hard, too tight, but you can’t even care because when his hand finally goes slack, ellie is done. her handiwork isn’t so bad and the bleeding has stopped for the most part. when you sigh, it feels like the weight of the world leaves your shoulders, a degree of relief you’ve never felt in your life.

joel, stubborn as always, is fighting unconsciousness as you turn to look back at him and you know it’s because he knows he’s not entirely out of the woods yet. there’s still bleeding to stop, a potential infection to fight, medicine you need to find to keep him safe and healthy, but this has to be good enough for now. it has to be because he’s joel miller and he’s mucked it through gunshot wounds and temporary deafness and all kinds of other shit the world has thrown at him. 

ellie, clearly emotionally gone, stands, her dark eyes empty and her face void of everything save for exhaustion. without even looking at you, she turns towards the stairs and says to nobody, “going for a walk. i need a break.”

her footsteps echo in the stairwell and then creak overhead before she disappears out the front door, leaving you in an empty house with joel and the horse in the garage. you look back to joel, still holding his hand. his face, always so devoid of anything minus annoyance and anger, looks so relieved right now and it makes you want to cry again, but you’re shit out of saline. you lay his hand down beside him before you tuck his winter coat back over him, up to the chin.

there’s not much that you can say, no thoughts come to mind. nothing more than i love you, but you want to save those for when he’s safely out of the thick of this. as true as they are, it’s not the right time, but you’re sure he knows. he must when he scoots his hand out from under the coat and nudges it against your thigh, some gesture that you can’t decode, but that you understand as i’m still here, like he’s able to read your mind. you smile at him softly.

i’ll tell him when this is all over, you reason with yourself as you move to lay beside him, exhaustion finally overtaking you. wherever we end up after ellie is safe with the fireflies, i’ll tell him and he’ll say it back and we’ll be okay.

he can’t turn onto his side, but he turns his head to face you, looking every bit the age of fifty. his eyes are tired and the crinkles of his skin run deep, his cheeks and chin dusted gray. this close, you can see every pock mark, the dip of skin at his temple from some long-forgotten cut, the deep scar that mars the space between his eyebrows. his defenses are down and he looks his age, for the first time in a long time because it’s so easy to forget how old he is when he’s doing the things he does to protect you and ellie.

you scoot in as far as you’ll allow yourself, knees knocking against his legs and your head pillowed on the arm underneath you. you raise a hand and rest it on his cheek, a touch he immediately leans into, like your palm was made to caress his skin. as far as you care, it was. he tilts his head towards you and you find yourself doing the same, foreheads touching. this is one of the small gestures joel allows you on most days, but right now, it feels more monumental than that. like always, it’s a moment shared singularly between the two of you, but it carries so much more weight because he gazes at you with so much more softness and love than he’s ever let himself show before and it reminds you that underneath all that rough exterior, he is a man capable of gentle touches and adoration, no matter how many times the world and himself have tried to beat it out of him.

as his breathing slows, but deepens (a sure sign that ellie has mended the problem for now), you move your arm to rest on his torso, hand pressed into the sturdy spot just above his heart. the beat is steady, solid, a reminder that he’s okay. he was built to go, but now more than ever, you feel he was also built to be yours, to be loved by you. and you’ll make sure he makes it through this, no matter the cost.

(c) lskisms, 2023. do not repost, translate, or otherwise plagiarize my work. the only official versions of my work are available on tumblr and ao3 under the name lskisms.

#joel miller x reader #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #pedro pascal fic #tlou x reader #.lskisms #.joel #.tlou

[dimwitdecember]

abigail hobbs

And My Father's Love Was Nothing Next To God's Will by Amatullah Bourdon

Lyra Wren

Elegy for a Gopher by Ellen Bass

Lyra Wren

#she makes me so emo #abigail hobbs #abigail hobbes #hannibal #hanniblogging #web weave #webweave #web weaving #poetry

[randomfoggytiger]

The Scully Family In-Depth (Part XI): The Last Conversations of One Melissa Scully

Melissa Scully is not long for this meta series; but what she does contribute is a rather intriguing peek into Scully's psyche-- exposing how drawn her sister was to radical or "out there" ideas long before Scully admitted it to herself-- as well as the funny confirmation that both her sister and her mother find Melissa's antics aggravating.

SEASON 2'S ABDUCTION FALLOUT

The effects of Scully’s abduction silently punctuate her resolutions throughout Season 2, spurring her to appear stronger than her capabilities (Firewalker’s “Mulder, I appreciate your concern. But I’m ready. I want to work” and Irresistible’s “I’m not having trouble, Mulder. I’m fine. Really”), an extension of her denial in Beyond the Sea but with more mature fragility. (Both are, of course, symptoms of growing up in a Naval household with an eagerness to please a father that respected perfection in himself.)

Although Scully references her experience on the brink of death once in Dod Kalm--“Mulder, when they found me, after the doctors and even my family had given up, I experienced something I never told you about. Even now it’s hard to find the words. But there’s one thing I’m certain of: as certain as I am of this life, we have nothing to fear when it’s over"-- the theme of her loss plays heavily upon the rest of the Season, be it Mulder's overprotective streak or her resolution to appear stronger than her capabilities (i.e. Firewalker, Irresistible, Our Town, etc.)

This response stems back to her childhood: wanting to please her Naval father, she internalized and emulated his efforts to achieve perfection in himself. In The Blessing Way, Scully is told that her self-perceived failures would be considered strengths by the late captain; but it takes years for her to embrace that truth for herself.

Digging a little deeper, we find that, although she relates tidbits of her time in the beyond, Scully leaves out her communion with Melissa, Nurse Owens, and especially her father-- still not able, at this point, to accept those parts of her experience.

MULDER'S DEATH AND SCULLY'S SHAME

Anasazi and The Blessing Way are a whirlwind for Scully, leaving her vulnerable, bashed, and beaten down when all her efforts are seemingly in vain.

After being put on leave from the FBI and “losing” the tape her partner died for, Scully stumbles to her mother’s house, ashamed and wavering in her convictions. 

When her mother opens the door, Scully is lightly tapping at her right thigh with her shoes, an attempt to focus on that repetition rather than her stampeding emotions, and attempts to keep a semblance of control through her tearful confession (without much success.)

Maggie welcomes her with a gentle “Dana…”; and Scully forces a practiced smile as she breathes an answering, "Hi, Mom."

Taking in her daughter’s fragile stance and barefoot condition, Maggie asks, “What’re you doing with your shoes?”

It's a tell-tale sign that all is not well: despite the various difficulties in the field or at home, Scully has never voluntarily taken off her shoes unless in extremities; and her mother, knowing these prim and proper habits, immediately intuits something serious has happened.

“They, uh, they started to give me blisters…” Scully warbles, lifting and dropping her shoes as more of her facade cracks, reality cruelly setting in.  

Her mother’s incredulous, “You walked here this time of night?” breaks the last of her escape from reality: there is nowhere else to escape, no other distraction on hand to keep her emotions at bay; and Scully can no longer pretend that everything is alright as long as she puts one foot in front of the other (a method she’d tried and failed to use in Beyond the Sea-- and will again in Memento Mori, Elegy, Gethsemane, and Redux.) 

Her composure melts completely, face crumpling as she moves into Maggie’s arms to simultaneously seek comfort and hide from her own vulnerability. It’s a signature of Scully's the audience and Mulder were introduced to in Season 1's Pilot and Season 2's Irresistible; and is now confirmed to have been her coping mechanism stemming from childhood.

Matron Scully scoops her up unhesitatingly, worriedly questioning her baby girl until Scully admits, heartbroken, “I’ve made a terrible mistake. Dad would be so ashamed of me", and breaks down into an onslaught of constrained tears and grief.

MELISSA FUMBLES THE BALL

The Blessing Way has a notorious deleted scene; and this analysis would not be complete, I believe, without including it. Not only does it align perfectly with canon, but it also reinforces the interpersonal dynamics present in One Breath; and is, therefore, vital to the Scully Family meta series.

After Scully has poured her heart out, Maggie does her best to glue her daughter back together. “I don’t see how you can fault yourself. You had to make a choice-- you did what you thought was right.” 

“No,” Scully negates, voice wavering, eyes turned aside, “I did what I thought was right for my partner.” 

Their interaction is incredibly telling not only of Scully’s Starbuck complex but also of her modus operandi when acting outside of known variables: trusting another person’s judgment over her own. This kneejerk reaction can be used healthily if she follows her own intuition as well (e.g. Anasazi and All Things); but if Scully distrusts or doubts her intuition, she kneejerks to an opposite reaction, shutting down and seeking purchase wherever she can (The Blessing Way, Never Again, and also All Things.) This aspect of her personality isn’t resolved until Season 7 when Scully saves Daniel Waterston’s life by relying solely on her instincts; but until then, Mulder and her family act as the solid foundation upon which she builds herself... until, until.  

"Wouldn't Mulder have done the same for you?"

That sentence is two-fold interesting: not only does Maggie call Mulder "Mulder" here instead of "Fox"-- likely due to a scripting error or perhaps in deference to her daughter's pet peeve-- but she also places complete faith in the man that shouldered her daughter's disappearance and recovery alongside the family. It's a simple, touching nod to Mulder's impact and the bond she shares with him.

“Yes, but that’s exactly it, Mom! I behaved exactly how Mulder would have behaved-- I lied and I countermanded my superiors because I thought that the pursuit of the truth was more important.”  

Maggie listens, unruffled. “And wasn’t it?” she asks, showing her naturally rebellious streak that is not deterred or dissuaded by protocol, rules, and regulations-- completely opposite to the obedient military wife one could easily attribute to her. 

“I don’t know what the truth is,” Scully admits. “But as far as the FBI is concerned, the truth is that if all of their agents behaved this way… they wouldn’t be able to do their job. And they’re right.”  

Maggie knows what her daughter won't, can't say out loud; and cuts through the doublespeak to give the assurance she could not in Beyond the Sea: “Dana, if you’re really worried what your father would think of you… I think that he would see that there’s no right choice… and no wrong one.”  

From Scully's view, the disobedience to her superiors outweighs the pursuit of the truth, at least to her father. But in light of Maggie's revelation and rejection of that notion, it leaves the audience-- and her daughter-- wondering how well Scully knew, or thought she knew, the late captain. As strict and striving and ladder climbing as he seems to be, at a glance, Captain Scully was also a man who stood by his principles and married a woman prouder of her husband's personal achievements than his professional ones, willingly carrying on his legacy to their children after his death.

Though comforting in its nuance, this thought is at odds with what Scully supposed of her father, failing to alleviate her doubts long after this conversation ends. Not until she irons out her own internal struggles can Scully accept the wisdom her mother provides.

Reaching out to draw in Scully's chin, Maggie adds, “He would have been very proud and supportive of his daughter.” 

Another interesting sidenote: Maggie’s action and Scully’s response is another proof of Mulder's instincts to draw her attention back by gently maneuvering her chin or face. Without being told, Mr. VCU Golden Boy divined a second method of comfort stemming back to his partner's childhood (as if those two’s connection wasn't spooky enough.) 

Scully still clings to her naysayings. “Mom, there was a right choice to make. And I didn’t make it. I went with Mulder to New Mexico--” 

They’re both interrupted by the door opening abruptly, her eyes blinking in vexation as she prepares for a domestic intrusion.  

Melissa barges in, halts, and treads carefully forward as Scully seamlessly picks up the thread she’d dropped a moment ago: “I never should have let him go off by himself. He was in no condition…” 

This sets up the dynamic present not only in The Blessing Way but also throughout the show: Scully is reluctant to offer up information unprompted to her mother, but does not seem to share the same reticence with her sister (no matter how meddlesome or pushy Melissa tends to be.) 

Melissa pulls a psychic prediction out of her hat-- “Something happened to the man you work with, hasn’t it?”-- and smiles, elated, over the talent of her sixth sense.

Maggie, as usual, tries to cut off her older daughter’s intuitions… which means that even a woman who believes in her own loosely psychic dreams barely tolerates Melissa’s enthusiastic tirades (post here.) 

“Melissa, please.” 

“No,” her daughter continues, “no, I’ve been feeling it for the last couple days. He’s become ill or something.” 

Scully, predictably, looks annoyed at her wound being so blindly poked at. 

Melissa predictions raises an interesting point: if Melissa can sense when Mulder is gravely ill or on the verge of death, does she channel it through her sister, like Maggie did when predicting her daughter’s abduction? If so, that further proves my "Scully is a conduit" theory (posts here and here.) 

Maggie, noticing that Scully has shut down after Melissa’s speech (and fed up herself), announces “I’m going to go make coffee” before stalking away to take a breather. 

Melissa hesitates, reading the tension in the room while internally debating if she should probe further; but, incorrigibly, she decides not to let the matter rest.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” 

Scully keeps her sister in the peripheral, sighing as she prepares herself for the impending conversation.  

“Melissa, Mulder is very likely dead.” Even after seeing the smoke billowing out of a train car, even though she believes it herself, Scully still won’t admit to what can’t be proven. 

Melissa pauses, stares into the middle distance as she searches for something, and pronounces, “No-- you don’t believe that.” 

“No, I do.” Scully insists. 

“I’m getting very strong feelings otherwise.” 

Scully looks almost frightened by her sister's denial. The fear of the unknown is driven by Scully’s fear of not truly knowing herself; and she avoids what she cannot understand-- her father’s death, her memories, her endless line, her cancer, etc.-- but can’t stop feeling until her concerns are addressed (in this case, through Melissa’s insistence; in other cases, through Ed Jerse or Daniel Waterston's false leads or Mulder's insistence that she face facts.)

“I wish it weren’t true…” Scully begins, wobbling over gathering tears. 

“No! No, Honey, it’s more than that--” Melissa ecstatically reassures, kneeling beside her sister and rambling in her enthusiasm. Here, she can help; and she intends to do so. “You’re radiating, Dana.”  

However, the bonding moment is lost when she mentions, “You have a connection with him that’s still strong, powerful,” hitting on two things Scully doesn’t want to own: the depth of her love for Mulder and her current disbelief in her own intuition (which is still whispering that Mulder alive.) 

“Melissa. Don’t do this.”  

Melissa recalibrates, but insists. “Well, I know what I feel.” 

“Fine, we’ll leave it at that,” Scully snaps, getting up as fast as she possibly can, “because you have no sensitivity to my feelings.” 

“Oh, Dana.… I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t feel so sure.” After a second of empathetic silence, Melissa again insists, “You need a second opinion.” 

“This isn’t a medical condition, Melissa. It is a statement of fact-- it is either true or it isn’t.” 

Melissa tries to salvage the conversation, but accidentally hits nerve after nerve in her unwieldy use of the truth: “...you may even be feeling responsible right now, but if you could just see through your guilt and your anger, then maybe you can look past this Western empiricism.”  

Predictably, her sister does not relent: “I’ll make sure to consult my taro cards when I’m out looking for a new job, thank you.” 

Casting her eyes to the heavens (a tic often used in fractious conversations with her sister), Scully doubles back to chastise and more accurately vent her feelings. “Melissa, I have lost somebody.”  

Even though Melissa wisely shuts her mouth rather than doubling down, the brief second she'd pondered it nettles her sister further.

“I would like to deal with it in my own way.” 

Again, Melissa stays silent (against her better judgment), allowing Scully to have the last word before following in Maggie's footsteps by walking swiftly away.  

Once Scully is no longer in sight, Melissa grips her forehead, clasps her arms around each other, and turns inward, reflecting on Dana's throbbing wound and, perhaps, how she could have handled the situation better. 

DENIAL AND UNWIELDY TRUTH

When Scully finds the chip in her neck, her desperation drives her back to Melissa, another proof that she and her sister's bond is tighter than any temporary annoyance or fight between them.

But it also begs the question: Why not her mother? 

When Scully reaches out to Maggie-- The Blessing Way, Wetwired, Redux II, A Christmas Carol, etc.-- it is only when she is on her last leg and has given up and given in, seeking maternal comfort in a "weak" moment of strong, human emotion. These moments, however, are fleeting when compared to the times she reaches out to Mulder and Melissa; but if we look closely, a pattern emerges. When Scully needs to be encouraged to fight her battles, she seeks out Mulder or Melissa; when she needs to bind up her wounds and heal, she finds Maggie. Overtime, Mulder takes on both of these roles, becoming both tender protector and immovable truth pursuer; but the shift truly begins after Emily Sims's death, carrying through the events of Season 5 and onward (and widening the gulf begun between mother and daughter during Memento Mori.)

“I don’t even know how long its been in there,” Scully tells Melissa, shaken by another layer in the many unknown layers lingering from her abduction. “I have absolutely no recollection of it being put there.” 

“That is frightening,” her sister agrees, while Scully visibly shakes at the opposite end of the table.  

Both sisters know how terrifying this: Scully relies on what she knows and can prove; which ties her memory directly into her understanding of the world, either through knowledge of its mechanics or direct, first-hand experience. To have that taken was one of the greatest evils inflicted on Scully; but the fear of recovering even more traumatizing memories keeps her in a paralyzing stasis, too fearful to face how much she has lost and too fearful to reclaim what little she can.

“Dana, this is very serious-- you’ve gotta find out… what this is.” 

Scully’s shift from shaking tower of strength to bothered and inflexible little sister goes unnoticed-- or ignored-- as Melissa twists the chip back and forth in scrutinizing study.

“I don’t have access to the FBI labs,” Scully begins before Melissa, stunned at her sister’s priorities, redirects with, “No, I’m talking about access to your own memories.” 

This is stage one Melissa: so focused on uncovering a particular truth that she obliviously steamrolls over the other person’s silent objections-- tactless in her fervor. Any attempts to cut her off only escalates her feverish insistence-- “I mean, obviously you have buried this so deep you can’t consciously recall it."

Scully visibly struggles to press her emotions and fears down in order to shut the conversation down-- “Melissa.”

“I know someone who can help you--”

“NO!” yells Scully, slapping the table hard enough to shake the dishes. In her anger she betrayed weakness; and both she and Melissa know it. 

Melissa, hurt but sympathetic, swallows her own frustrated feelings and shifts into stage two: purposeful pushing of another person’s boundaries (ala confronting Mulder in his apartment in One Breath)-- measuredly pointing out a weakness with an honest rebuke.  

“What are you so afraid of, Dana?”

“You’re afraid you might actually learn something about yourself?”

This pulls Scully up short, tapping into the perpetual struggle she’s warred with since Beyond the Sea (and that won’t put to rest until ourobors tattoos and Buddhist temples.)  

“I mean, you are so shut off to the possibility there could be any other explanation except for your rigid, scientific view of the world.”  

Scully swallows down her fears once again, angrily ping-ponging back and forth between rebuttal or allowance. Ultimately, the words stick-- perhaps echoing her later partner’s own confrontations or guidance-- and she slowly lowers her defenses, walking closer to (but not toward) her sister. 

Melissa continues: “You’re carrying so much grief and fear that you can’t see that… that you’ve built up these walls around your true feelings and the memory of what really happened.” 

Scully is too exhausted to keep fighting, having flailed nonstop against herself and her beliefs and her convictions since Mulder’s death; and at Melissa's “Just do this for me" she acquiesces, expelling more fear in a rushing outtake of air.

Melissa isn’t satisfied with a non-answer, pressing further with an “As your sister. Please” until Scully’s face shifts into firm resolution. 

As we know, Scully bails on the regression hypnosis; but this this scene highlighted a key aspect of her of her relationship with Melissa, especially when contrasted to her ones with Maggie and Mulder:

It established her sister as the person Scully gravitated to for advice: even if Melissa's words were chafing or unintelligible, she still sought out that comforting, “bigger picture” perspective, the same one her partner has provided since the Pilot. Before she even met Mulder, Scully had a thirst for other perspectives, and was more open to taking in and heeding “out there” opinions than she liked (likes) to let on.  

Maggie Scully was not her daughter’s confidante. Throughout the series, Scully avoids life-changing decision talk with her mother (joining the FBI, giving credence to her mother’s dreams, telling her directly about the cancer diagnosis or the baby’s sex, etc.); and, as previously mentioned, that begins to widen the gulf between mother and daughter. Maggie feels loved when her loved ones share their personal feelings and struggles with her-- which Melissa and Bill Scully seem to do more freely (we’ll get to that) and Dana does not. Why is this the case? Perhaps it has something to do with Maggie's gossiping tendency (which we shall hit upon in Gethsemane), or perhaps it's because of the strict lines she draws in and around her personal life.

Scully does not want crossover in her life: her family and friends are organized into two categories-- comfort or confidante-- and stay in those categories for their protection and her sanity. Maggie Scully is her mother, not her confidante; Melissa is her confidante, not her mother; and when the two try to cross into areas not offered to them, Scully gets annoyed and withholds even more information. Mulder, it seems, is the only person to peel back the dividing line between the two; and even then, not without resistance and patience (Memento Mori, for example.) It’s part of Scully’s fear of letting her walls completely down (as explained in her monologue to the social worker in A Christmas Carol); and part of the mystery of Mulder, who is the perfect combination of Maggie’s comfort and Melissa’s persistence: helpful and supportive but truthfully exacting. 

THE LAST CONVERSATION

Melissa calls after the mytharc plot kicks up to dangerous levels for Scully, eager to help her sister process whatever was uncovered in the (ditched) hypnosis session. 

"Hello?" Scully asks, on-edge; but walks back from her paranoid greeting when Melissa responds, “Dana? It’s your sister.” 

Melissa’s “Hi-- where’ve you been?” implies she’s been calling for a day, maybe more, in worry when Scully left her high and dry after their talk.

“I, uh, I had to go to Boston. For a funeral.” 

“Well, I was worried about you.”

“Why?”

“Because I haven’t heard from you since you saw Dr. Pomerantz.” 

Scully immediately tenses, knocking herself mentally over the head for forgetting; then realizes she either has to face Melissa's scrutiny now or slough off her concerns for a more convenient time.

“Missy, something strange happened to me today," she says, admitting her panic over strange events that were unfolding in her life.

Anticipating and accepting her sister’s offer to drive over, Scully ends the call with renewed resolve: having turned a new, hopeful leaf after her vision from Mulder, she is-- more than ever-- ready to listen to her intuition, open her heart, and confide her fears and feelings to someone else. 

That openness follows her to a reunion with Mulder… but clams up, once again, after her innocent decisions lead to the death of her sister.

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

#txf #The Scully Family In-Depth #Part XI #The Last Conversations of One Melissa Scully #In-Depth #Scully #Maggie Scully #Melissa Scully #Mulder #meta #xfiles #x-files #the x files #mine #S2 #The Blessing Way #Anasazi #One Breath #Dod Kalm #Irresistible #xf meta

[egharcourt]

They say there’s no scene that humanizes Jesus more than his prayer at Gethsemane. Matthew, Mark, and Luke all reiterate the same desperate plea: “Take this cup away from me.” Luke goes even further in describing Jesus’ agony, so tangible it manifested as sweat that fell to the ground like drops of blood. It’s almost theatrical, in a way— the composed Christ inconsolable, the faithful Martyr faltering. 

But I know that anguish is not ephemeral. For it festers within you, bursts out from you when you can control it no more, and ends with you. They only see the eruption. We hear about Jesus as a precocious child, questioning his earthly parents, “Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?” Does knowing his Father mean knowing his demise? Did that comprehension come later? Was he as oblivious as Issac then, asking his father on their journey, “Where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” At what point did he realize that he was the lamb that God had provided? When he learned that fate meant him to die did he realize it entailed such cruelty?

It’s perfectly reasonable if he didn’t. The sacrificial lamb is always adored. Without blemish, without broken bones, without fault. They dote upon you like a prince until they pin you to the chopping block. Your father nurturing you with a knife in one hand, saying, I love you so much that I’ll let you bleed out for God. 

And you’ve internalized it. You’ll cry when you see the altar, but you’ve long ago conceded that you can’t escape doom. So you bargain to make it a little more endurable, to meet the end with a bit more poise and dignity. It’s the final resolute “May your will be done.” It’s Issac struggling in his binds until his strength is spent, taking one last glance up at Abraham to whisper, Make it hurt less.

"Elegy for the Messiah by the Sacrificial Child-Lamb on the Altar", E. G. Harcourt

#writing #my writing #religious imagery #poems #ostensibly about religion but it's actually about parent issues #like how they'll sacrifice your happiness for heaven knows what #but then you can't hate them because...they love you #parent issues #father issues #prose #parenting #experimental #queer poetry #also going for the Gethsemane in Jesus Christ Superstar type vibe #more specifically the 2012 version #if you even care #deconstructing christianity #deconstruction #exvangelical #jcs #religious abuse #my work

[carefulfears]

the biggest thing about elegy is that it takes all of that unspoken isolation of this arc, and it slowly lets the audience in. the first thing that mulder says about the apparitions, is that they seem to be an "omen." an impending prophecy. and carefully, throughout the episode, both the audience and scully are waiting to see, not who the killer is, but what is being foretold. when they're going over records, and scully's nose starts bleeding, it's the one thing that they can't ignore. she wasn't even there in the previous episode. she was in the hospital. alone. they don't talk about it. she's "fine." she has "always been the strong one." just like in irresistible, years earlier, she does not want him to know how much she is struggling. but she doesn't have any control. it is dripping out of her. the sound of his voice when he says "oh, scully." and how quickly she responds "it's okay. i'm fine."

it's that kind of childlike grimace in him, the same man who flinches away from dead bodies and stares at the ground before his father. and she's so fast to try to restore order. it's okay. i'm fine. don't worry, i'll clean it up. i'll make it go away. when she disappears into the bathroom and sees an apparition there herself...i think she decides to go to the hospital because she just needs space, honestly. she's scared. he offers to drive her, to go with her, twice. asks, "you sure?" and she says, twice, "i'm fine."

elegy builds to two separate climaxes: the first, when mulder comes to scully's apartment. but before that, we see scully in karen kosseff's office, the same therapist that she had gone to in irresistible, and presumably has kept a relationship with in the years since. she tells karen that she's been diagnosed with inoperable untreatable cancer, and when karen asks, "you've kept working?" she answers, "yes. it's been important to me."

she's taken aback when karen asks why, is surprised at the question, and tells her "agent mulder has been concerned. he's been supportive, through this time."

KOSSEFF: Do you feel that you owe it to him to continue working?

SCULLY: (quickly) No. (pauses) I guess I never realized how much I rely on him before this...his passion...he's been a great source of strength that I've drawn on.

KOSSEFF: What happened last night, Dana?

SCULLY: I saw something. I, I don't know what to trust. If I saw it because of the stress, because the image had been suggested to me or if it was a suggestion of my own fears.

KOSSEFF: Your fear of failing him?

SCULLY: (exhales emotionally) Maybe.

this is such a rare admission from scully. first of all, she's being confronted. this is not normal. it is not normal to work to your death. it's like bill tells her, a couple of episodes later, "what are you doing at work, getting knocked down, beaten up? what are you trying to prove?"

(she hadn't even told bill about her cancer. she'd been sick for months. she thought she was going to die in memento mori, she knows she's going to die sooner than later. and she instructed her mom not to tell her brother. from the moment that mulder said "i refuse to believe that," it really was only going to go one way.)

she's being confronted. why are you working? (for mulder). do you feel you owe him? (no, i need him).

she's really alone. she's sick. like, she's really sick. she spent the last case in the hospital. she's having a hard time keeping up. she's thinning, and bleeding, and struggling. but there she goes, every day, at every hour. monster chasing. telling him she's fine.

(so much conflict comes from the way that mulder's ignorance perfectly enables scully's repression)

when he shows up, late, at her apartment, he comes in a mile-a-minute, about how he needs her "help" on the case, before asking her what her doctor said. (her answer, of course, being, "i'm fine.")

he tells her that everyone who has seen an apparition, was dying. every person who reported a premonition, was near death themselves.

SCULLY: Harold Spuller is dying too?

MULDER: Well, that's what I need your medical opinion on.

SCULLY: Well, what if he isn't?

MULDER: I would be very surprised. What is a death omen if not a vision of our own mortality? And who among us would most likely be able to see the dead? 

this is one of the most hauntingly isolating moments of the series...he has just told her that she is going to die. and he doesn't know, that that's what he said. she is forced to process it, completely by herself. and she doesn't believe in ghosts, or "premonitions," but she knows that he is right. (when is he not?)

("maybe harold is sicker than we thought he was.")

the second moment that this episode builds to, is the final confrontation between mulder and scully. after the murder is solved. after harold dies.

SCULLY: I saw something, Mulder.

MULDER: What?

SCULLY: The fourth victim. I saw her in the bathroom before you came to tell me.

MULDER: Why didn't you tell me?

SCULLY: Because I didn't want to believe it. Because I don't want to believe it.

MULDER: Is that why you came down here, to prove that it wasn't true?

SCULLY: No, I came down here because you asked me to.

MULDER: Why can't you be honest with me?

SCULLY: (defensively) What do you want me to say? That you're right, that, that I believe it even if I don't? I mean, is that what you want?

MULDER: Is that what you think I want to hear?

SCULLY: (softly) No.

they come really...close here? to talking about it? she almost baits him several times this season. she spends so much of this arc thinking...maybe, this will be it. maybe if she fucks off on assignment, gets a tattoo with another man, he'll say it. maybe if she calls him out for never celebrating her birthday, he'll acknowledge why this is the year he did. maybe if they spend a friday night with a bottle of wine, they'll talk. maybe if she tells him, those things you believe are death omens? i saw it. he'll know.

i can't remember which one of you said that all of their arguments are just how to love each other. she doesn't want to believe. but she's there, because he has asked her to be. even in all of their repressed denial, there is no escaping what's happening. it hangs over both of them.

i love the moments in this arc where she just snaps. in this scene when she says, what do you want from me? do you want me to just believe you? and her quiet resignation, when he makes her answer her own question. no. she knows that's not what he wants.

MULDER: (his voice softens) I know what you're afraid of. I'm afraid of the same thing.

SCULLY: The doctor said I was fine.

MULDER: I hope that's the truth.

SCULLY: (whispers) I'm going home.

"i know what you're afraid of. i'm afraid of the same thing."

except, no, he doesn't. and no, they are not.

but she knows what he's afraid of, just as her therapist had known what she's afraid of ("your fear of failing him?") and so she dodges his admittance with reassurance. she's fine.

that last scene, when she goes out and cries in her car, and she sees harold's ghost in the backseat. she is so alone. she's working on her deathbed. they don't talk about it. she's afraid, and she's not fine, and she is going to "fail" him because she cannot keep herself alive for him, and she can't avoid it. it's in the backseat. it's in the bathroom mirror. it's bleeding out of her.

#here trish #txf.txt #elegy #DANA LOOK OUT!!! YOUR ELEGIES ARE EULOGIZING YOU!!!!!!!!!! #i was saying last night how much i love ‘gethsemane’ as an episode title #and i think that may be my favorite one #but i love ‘elegy’ a lot too #‘a lament for the dead’ #this whole episode is sorrow for the dead and dying #how we cannot catch up to them #and our dying girl at the center. seeing the omens. knowing what’s coming. crying alone in her car. #this show was always so so so resonant and impactful when it came to themes of grief and loss #anyway. there is no beyond the sea etc etc #also i noticed last night that scully mentions how long they've been together a lot during this arc #'in the four years i've known you' in tempus fugit #'i would think after four years' in elegy #'everything that we've done over the past four years' in reduxii #she's taking stock

[blackcestfest]

Blackcest Fest Masterlist 

Categories: Femslash, Het, Sirius/Regulus, Sirius/Regulus/Other, Other Slash

Femslash: 

Eyes On The Bride by LesbianKJ Ships: Druella Rosier Black/Walburga Black, Druella Rosier Black/Minerva McGonagall Rating: Explicit Wordcount: 2,456

It's Druella Rosier and Cygnus Black's wedding, and Druella isn't acting like the proper bride.

Sweet Possession by sky_watcher_rose Ship: Walburga Black/Bellatrix Black Lestrange  Rating: E  Word count: 4624

Bellatrix has always worshipped the ground her aunt walks on - and so perhaps, Walburga thinks, this was inevitable. Bellatrix was always going to ask, and she was always going to say yes.

Bellatrix Black: An Elegy by @thistlecatfics Ships: Andromeda/Bellatrix, Bellatrix/Cygnus, Bellatrix/Rita Skeeter Rating: E  Wordcount: 5,328 Warnings: Non-con, underage

“Bellatrix Black Lestrange was survived by her husband, sister, nephew, and me, whatever I could be considered, if I could even be considered someone who survived her.”

Het: 

they wed by sanguis_in_excelsis @sanguisinexelsis Ship: Sirius Black/Bellatrix Black  Rating: G  Word count: 6446

and it goes better than expected  Sirius and Bellatrix, and their starry mythology

Vérité by MymbleHowl @st-clements-steps Ships: Sirius Black/Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Barty Crouch Jr. Rating: E  Wordcount: 2957

“By Salazar.” Surely she uses magic somehow to make her sigh resound through all their cells, “let me know when you meet a boy who doesn’t like it hard and fast, Bartemius." To Sirius she says, "darling, be a good boy for me and tell me what you’re doing?” Her voice sings across their dank surroundings. “Sometimes, babydoll, you have to let them take the lead.”

Daddy's Girl by @miss-grimwood Ship: Bellatrix/Cygnus  Rating: M  Word count: 1550  Warnings: underage, rape/non-con

Cygnus prepared Bellatrix to be a good wife to her future husband.

blue light of the flame by @sanguisinexelsis Ships: Sirius Black/Andromeda Black Tonks, Past Sirius/Bellatrix, Past Andromeda/Alphard   Rating: G Word count: 1,748

Andromeda goes to visit Sirius in Number Twelve the week before he dies. They say goodbye.

Her Good Boy by RottenPleasures @caitiewantstobeavadakedavrad Ship: Druella Rosier Black/Sirius Black  Rating: E  Wordcount: 1,273  Warnings: Underage

Walburga has always claimed that Sirius doesn’t know how to behave. Druella thinks that couldn’t be father from the truth.

Short Distance Between Love and Insanity by piximera @piximera-art Ship: Sirius/Bellatrix  Rating: E  Wordcount: 1,829

Bellatrix HATES Sirius, so why do they end up in bed together at every family ball?

M-A-M-A B-O-Y, Mama’s boy, Mama’s boy by Sagiko_AKA_RegulusBlackKinnieBITFW Ships: Walburga Black/Regulus Black, Past Walburga Black/Alphard Black  Rating: Explicit  Wordcount: 2101

Who says romance has to be dead just because her incesty brother died? Her son can always take his place.

Sirius/Regulus: 

Happiness by TheFaeSys @thesun-themoon-andtheirstars Ship: Regulus Black/Sirius Black  Rating: T  Wordcount: 1184  Warnings: Mention of past abuse

After spending the first few weeks of the summer at the Potter's Sirius starts getting letters, a lot of letters. They don't stop and when Bellatrix shows up and drags him away to see his brother, Sirius relents, vowing to bring him back to the Potter's.

(ART) That Time My Brother Kissed Me and Not His Boyfriend by @acydpop Ship: Regulus Black/Sirius Black  Rating: G 

Sirius didn't know that polyjuicing into one of his mates would lead to a surprise he never saw coming.

Kisses Are For Lovers by DeathBecomesJade @sniperjade Ship: Regulus Black/Sirius Black  Rating: E  Wordcount: 13,447  Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Attempted Suicide

Regulus has always loved Sirius but for as long as he can remember Sirius has always pushed him away. He lost track of him after Hogwarts but now that he is free from his mother's influence and has found Sirius again, he will never let him go.

A Candle in the Dark by @ticigi Ship: Regulus Black/Sirius Black  Rating: E  Wordcount: 6,674  Warnings: Underage, Referenced non-con

"Hey, Reggie? Want to see the stars with me, just like old times?”

Now That We Don't Talk by @melissamwrites Ship: Sirius/Regulus  Rating: E  Word count: 18,943  Warnings: Past Child Abuse, underage (17 year old)

Sirius and Regulus have been estranged since Sirius ran away at the age of 16 with his best friend from boarding school, James Potter. But they have recently moved to London (the Potters are insistent that they try and work for a living). James is trying to get into a new relationship, but Sirius feels lonely and tries to reach out to some old friends.

Take My Body by acari @ghaniblue Ship: Regulus/Sirius  Rating: E Wordcount: 3140  Warnings: Underage

The last person Sirius expected to find on his front step was his estranged little brother begging Sirius to fuck him.

Winner Takes All by @the-invisibility-bloke Ship: Sirius/Regulus  Rating: E  Wordcount: 8,893  Warnings: Underage

"You call that a kiss?" It’s all fun and games until it’s fun and games and groping.

The Ties That Bind Me (To Horoscopes and Fate) by @tenrousei-kuroi Ship: Sirius/Regulus  Rating: E  Wordcount: 6,007  Warnings: rape/non-con, moderate violence, underage, physical abuse

"Sirius could hear Orion in Regulus's room in the middle of the night when they were supposed to be sleeping. One of those nights he decides to sneak into his brother's room after their father leaves, just to check on him, but what he sees makes it impossible not to take advantage of the situation."

Lessons by dalula Ship: Regulus Black/Sirius Black  Rating: Explicit  Wordcount: 2026  Warnings: Underage

Before starting Hogwarts, the Black siblings are extremely sheltered. When Sirius comes back after his first term, he can't wait to show Regulus that he can use what's between his legs to make himself feel better.

Sirius/Regulus/Other: 

Love in Different Shapes by Shadowmun @mundrakan Ship: Sirius/Regulus + Severus  Rating: E  Wordcount: 2742  Warnings: Rape/non-con, underage

Father asked Regulus to dose Sirius with a potion, so he would find an "illegible partner" and return to the family to do his duty of marrying and producing beautiful little pure-blood children. Too late Regulus finds out: Father didn't read the fine print.

Naughty, Knotty, Naughty by BrokenBoughs Ships: Regulus/Sirius, Regulus/Sirius/Harry  Rating: E  Wordcount: 1k 

Regulus tells Harry a bit of Black history.

With Seed As Strong As Blood by @greenmegsnoham Ships: Orion Black/Regulus Black, Regulus Black/Sirius Black, Orion Black/Regulus Black/Sirius Black  Rating: E Warnings: Underage, Rape/Non-con  Wordcount: 2,200

"You want him," Orion states unquestioningly, his fingers trailing along Regulus' side to the dip of his waist and those widening hips... "Do your duty," Orion commands Sirius, "and you shall have your fill of our sweet Omega."

Take me with you (find a way) by cassetteinability @onehundredflamingos Ship: Regulus/Sirius/Narcissa  Rating: E  Wordcount: 10,352

When Walburga sets up a wedding between Regulus and Narcissa, Sirius vows to do whatever it takes to get back to his brother.

James Knows by @goldenbi Ships: Regulus Black/Sirius Black/James Potter  Rating: E  Wordcount: 5,030  Warnings: Underage Sex

James knew his best friend. He knew his best friend more than anyone else could know another person. From the first moment they met they were in sync in almost every way. Nearly every sentence that included James also included Sirius. Sirius’s wand felt just as natural in his hand as James’s own. They were closer than any two people could be. It was as if their very souls were made of the same bright light. So why didn’t Sirius admit that he was fucking his own brother?

Other Slash:

finders keepers by dalula Ship: Draco Malfoy/Sirius Black  Rating: E  Wordcount: 1269  Warnings: Underage, Animagus Bestiality

Draco finds Padfoot on the grounds at Hogwarts and smuggles him into his dorm. He's always wanted a dog.

#blackcest #blackcest fest #starcest #fest masterlist

[cybercasket]

What is the Behavioral Event Network?

I just went through the last arc of the ARG (finally), and when paired with the full context of the rest of the ARG, it actually answers a lot of questions regarding what BEN is, its abilities, and its past. However, I feel like it's not very clear to people what exactly "Behavioral Event Network" means and what it does, especially if they don't interact with the BEN Drowned ARG much.

(Forewarning: While I will be trying to write as accurately to the ARG as possible, at the end of the day this is my own interpretation. Many things in it are not only left unclear but are made open for interpretation on purpose, allowing a range of theories to technically be true.

Additionally, content warnings for cults, human sacrifice, and a little bit of talk about general death and violence. Largely average Creepypasta stuff.)

What a character involved with the creation of the Network has to say about it:

The Behavioral Event Network was created by The Moon Children cult, who later renamed themselves to The Eternity Project sometime after 2012 (or the events of the second arc). This statement from Abel implies that the Behavioral Event Network isn't necessarily a single entity or a group of entities that act in sync with each other, but instead a collection of the ascended/digitized people who exist in Majora's Mask.

The purpose of ascension is to supposedly allow the ascendant to free themselves from the fear and struggles of everyday life so that they can live on forever in the digital realm, where they can supposedly go anywhere and be anything that they can dream of and enjoy it, traveling between The Eternity Project's several digital realms for the rest of eternity. After their subject is sufficiently manipulated into wholeheartedly sharing the Moon Children's beliefs, they do this by utilizing a mysterious process that seems to turn them into ghosts and trap them inside a digital AI in a digital realm that the ascendant chooses before they die.

However, this doesn't typically go as planned. For Ben in particular, he allegedly (according to Matt, an ascended member of the Moon Children) wanted to become Link in Majora's Mask. However, the ascended don't always have complete control of what happens to them--leading to things like Ben being trapped inside of The Elegy of Emptiness instead of getting to be Link (at least while the game was being played by someone else, as two people can't use the same model at the same time). Most people who ascend are seen lamenting having done so in some way. There's a theme of betrayal throughout the entire ARG, with phrases like "THEY LIED TO US" being used throughout.

The Father and Absorption

Despite Ben's death being the one that sparked the creation of the Majora's Mask world, Ben was not the first to ascend. Rather, that accolade goes to The Father (also known as Kelbris).

In life, Kelbris was known as a prophet who was the only one who could hear the voice of Luna, the Moon Children's diety. He believed that the world would end soon and that the moon would consume everything--and this influenced the developing cult significantly. In 1998, the Moon Children discovered his electrocuted corpse next to a power outlet. Despite not knowing whether it was foul play or suicide, Kelbris was hailed as the first one to ascend and the cult began to sacrifice its own members, experimenting with ways of having others achieve the same "spiritual release" that Kelbris had.

According to The Moon Children, Kelbris had managed to inhabit a vessel that was "archaic" and they described his ascension process as "unrefined", possibly referencing how Kelbris feels less human than the ascended that came after him. While he is a prevalent force in the cartridge (self-identifying as a god) and the ARG as a whole, he appears to only respond to "stimuli" and react based off of what his code tells him.

When Kelbris/The Father appears in the ARG, he's typically tormenting, threatening, or killing someone--most kills in the ARG are implied to be The Father. However, this behavior may have been coerced by other characters in the ARG.

When The Father kills someone, they are absorbed into the Behavioral Event Network. The most obvious example of this is when it happens to Jadusable (the ARG's first protagonist) after going too far into the cartridge in "THE FATHER.wmv", a video from the 3rd arc. This is implied to happen to a few other characters as well, such as Matt (who appears in the cartridge in the 3rd arc after Kelbris is presumed to have killed him in the 2nd).

Additionally, one of the videos uploaded on Jadusable's YouTube account before the first arc started (the "Creepypasta story" that most people in the fandom know,) a video called "Prototype: All Consume Kills (Warning: Extremely Graphic)" was uploaded, which was confirmed by Jadusable to be a "vague metaphor" for how BEN operates. (So canonically, the Behavioral Event Network kind of works like Alex Mercer in Prototype 😭😭 have fun with that one...) This alludes to the fact that as more characters in the ARG die, more souls get added to the BEN or Majora's Mask world.

Who is in the Behavioral Event Network?

The short answer to this question is... A lot. A lot of people. Pretty much every dead Moon Child is in it, as well as every participant in The Eternity Project after the Moon Children rebranded--most people who have successfully ascended besides from Sarah are in the BEN. Not all of them were absorbed by The Father, a lot of them are implied to have been ascended through other means and somehow ended up in Majora's Mask instead of their intended world.

I might make a longer post about people who are or are likely in the BEN, though I do want to touch on the dominant forces in BEN briefly. This is who I think is largely responsible for BEN's actions as a collective in the ARG as a whole:

The Father: See the above section. He's very powerful and sometimes even breaches the outside world, and some people interpret him as a type of overseer of the BEN. He could have been easily manipulated due to his simplistic and poorly developed AI.

Ben: Typically represented via the Elegy of Emptiness statue. It's not entirely clear the role Ben (the kid who drowned) plays in BEN, though he is confirmed to be involved in terrorizing Jadusable in the first arc (aka the "original Creepypasta story"). Additionally, the Elegy of Emptiness statue is a common motif throughout the ARG--the "canon BEN" image is an AI-generated image with the Elegy of Emptiness likely being used as a source, and in the second arc, dead or missing characters would often have the Elegy of Emptiness statue pasted on their page. While in the 3rd arc, Ben is treated as the innocent, tortured soul who inhabits the Elegy of Emptiness, (eg. Matt says that he was trapped but conscious in the statue unable to do anything, and Circle also refers to him as innocent,) he may have (or previously had) more influence over the game than it seems on the surface. However, it is notable that in The Last Hero.wmv, Matt appears to be able to summon an Elegy statue to a location on his own seemingly without any input from Ben, and that Ben is frequently seen terrified of The Father.

The Masked Children (Goht, Odolwa, Gyorg, Twinmold, and Majora): They use the models of the Moon Children seen on the moon in the original Majora's Mask, and are implied to be inhabited by different spirits. When they're in agreement (or "consensus"), they speak like The Three Witches in Macbeth, but when they're not, there's often a lot of bickering/infighting between each other. Their participation in the events of the first and second arcs is hinted at several times (the dream that Jadusable has in the first arc where a mask is being forced onto his face is connected to (and may have even been induced by) them, one of the first arc's entries is updated in 2020 which includes an added dialogue sequence similar to the way we see the Maksed Children talk to each other in the videos, Goht in particular is connected to DROWNED, the largely silent admin of the Moon Children website in the second arc,) though the third arc is when their actions are more directly connected to them. In the third arc, a few of them are seen fighting Sarah as their respective bosses so they can appease The Father. They're credited with posting signs that have messages like "GET OUT" written on them (which are similar messages seen when something didn't want players to see a webpage, video, or document in earlier parts of the ARG), and they're regularly hostile to Sarah and call her a monster.

This is most of them together, though Odolwa is missing after their encounter with Sarah. You can see better images of their in-game models here.

Rosa: Rosa is another character I find a bit vague and confusing, because she seems to be dead and inhabiting a non-Majora game in the prologue, but appeared to be alive in the second arc. I don't believe Matt makes any comments about his "sister" being dead, though she also disappeared when players used The Song of Healing, so I'm really not sure... Maybe Matt was dead too? Was everyone on that forum dead when the players discovered it? However, she claims to have previously had power in Majora's Mask, though this ended up being heavily diminished by 2020. Another reason why Rosa is notable is because depictions of BEN as a more uniform collective (such as in iseeyou) often contain feminity to some degree, which is usually credited to her by people trying to make sense of it.

Rosa talking about her previous power over Majora's Mask.

A more feminine image of BEN from end.wmv.

An image of a feminine person (assumed by the Jadusable Wiki editors to be Rosa) used in conjunction with the "canon BEN" image and Kelbris/The Father.

TL;DR: BEN can absorb people and makes them Majora's Mask NPCs (like Alex Mercer!), the BEN page on Jadusable Wiki could probably be renamed to World Alpha, and no, you can't fuck it.

Feel free to ask me any questions about this, the ARG, or Creepypasta in general, and I'll do my best to respond!

#ben drowned #creepypasta #ben drowned arg #jadusable #behavioral event network #canon creepypasta #creepypasta fandom #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta lore #cult tw #cult mention #death tw #murder tw #child death tw #long post lol

[lostacelonnie]

how would honkai 3rd play out if otto was wearing cursed long shoes that gave him an ungodly urge to kick people on the ass and he had to fill a one kick per arc quota and he couldnt take the shoes off because he was cursed into liking them

FIRST OF ALL this is literally my favorite ask i've ever gotten so thank you. second of all i hope you dont mind how chaotic this is but i literally wrote everything down exactly as it came to mind, didnt proofread before posting, and also i barely remember half the older arcs. third of all this is a long post so readmore blast 💥

where dreams began + the end of destiny: im sorry but i genuinely dont know what he was even doing during this time. im just gonna say if any anti entropy personel was caught by schicksal they were just unfortunate enough to be the victim.

under the falling sky: you know that scene where he fucking shoots hua. when shes Not Quite Dead Yet he kicks her to add insult to injury

from the deep ocean: once again, i have zero recollection of what he was doing. does he even appear on screen? oh wait yeah in that one bubble universe where he has an orphanage or whatever. good lord i have no idea who that guy would kick. weren't theresa and children the only people there? oh i dont remember this part of the story At All. wait wasnt there a scene where joachim got mad at him or sth? for killing his father? well there you have it. out of character for that particular otto but it's time for a child to get punted

a shooting star streaking across the night: clueless. any suggestions welcome. perhaps void archives gets it, as it is the only one consistently around otto

elegy to yesterday: during world serpent's attack on the divine key testing site, otto Sees His Chance and disguises himself to infiltrate the battlefield for the sole purpose of kicking someone. all the valkyries present know its him bc of the ridiculous shoes but frankly they dont care bc hes a good distraction

here lies bellflower: yet another arc i dont remember. just like, In General. other than the parts bianka was in [yes i am a parody of myself] and the general gist of what happened. so idk </3

taixuan dream: he kicks senti in self defense. moments before being strangled

remaining flames: not really in this one is he. WAIT ACTUALLY NO wasnt his consciousness attached to some random HoD puppet to get the core???? then i guess he just kicked another one and nobody cared bc HoD puppets are just Like That

thus spoke apocalypse: as recompensation for all the confusion earlier, he gets to kick a lot in this one. first of all the false god otto boss fight is different, adding an attack. The Kick. second of all, while fighting in the space near the imaginary tree, he can finally kick as many of them as he can

following his death, afterlife-otto has to defend himself from the angry mob of all the people that died because of him Somehow. and so he gets to kick people until someone inevitably steals the shoes from him in order to reverse the roles. this goes on for eternity. The End

#asks #Do I Even Tag This. #yeah i will #honkai impact #otto apocalypse

[fictionadventurer]

I saw your post from 2020 about your Four Quadrants and I absolutely love them! I have wanted to get into Chesterton for a while but have never actually done it bc I have no idea where to start. I decided that you’d be likely to know where I should start based solely on my relating so much to the rest of what your post said. Do you have recommendations?

There are several answers to this question, depending on what type of writing you're interested in, because Chesterton wrote in a lot of different formats.

Novels: My favorite (and the one that feels most "Chestertonian" in the sense of embracing the joys and paradoxes of modern life) is Manalive, which is about a boarding house full of disaffected young people whose lives are upended by the arrival of the energetic and eccentric Innocent Smith, who may or may not be a dangerous lunatic. I'm also fond of his first novel, The Napoleon of Notting Hill, which is set in the far future of 1984, where the actions of two eccentric guys get London caught up in medieval warfare. That book addresses Chesterton's common theme of the tension between taking life too seriously and not taking it seriously enough, but it is a very odd book that's a bit more of an acquired taste.

Short stories: Chesterton's most enduring legacy in pop culture is the Father Brown mysteries--one of the few detectives at the time that wasn't just a Sherlock Holmes clone. These stories are half mystery and half philosophical essay, and I love them (and they're nothing like the TV show). I always tell people to start with the first collection, The Innocence of Father Brown, because the first four stories there--"The Blue Cross", "The Secret Garden", "The Queer Feet" and "The Flying Stars"--form an arc that should be read in chronological order, and the rest of the stories can be read in pretty much any order.

Poetry: Chesterton's big achievement is "The Ballad of the White Horse", a novel-length epic poem about the legends of King Alfred the Great and his war against the Danes. But if you don't feel like reading something so long, his other masterpiece is "Lepanto", a stirring poem about the Battle of Lepanto that saved Europe from a Turkish invasion (though that one is much better if you know the historical context). He also wrote this short, rather biting anti-war poem "Elegy in a Country Churchyard".

If you want something not about war, Chesterton was known for his love of Christmas, and he wrote several excellent Christmas poems, including "A Christmas Carol", "The Wise Men", "Gloria in Profundis", "Joseph" , and "A Child of the Snows".

(As long as we're talking about Christmas poems, I'm going to mention that his wife, Frances, was also a poet, and she wrote a Christmas poem every year for their family Christmas card, which include, "How Far Is It To Bethlehem" and "The Shepherds Found Thee By Night".)

Essays: Tremendous Trifles contains several of the humorous, insightful essays that are among the first things I think of when I think of the Chestertonian mindset, including "A Piece of Chalk", "The Advantages of Having One Leg", and "On Lying in Bed" . Perhaps my favorite Chesterton essay, "On Running After One's Hat" isn't in this collection, but feels like it should be.

Nonfiction: "Orthodoxy" is probably Chesterton's most famous and most accessible religious book, which outlines the worldviews that led him to embrace Christianity.

This last recommendation doesn't fit into any of the categories, but I can't finish a Chesterton introduction post without begging you to read this letter he wrote to his wife, Frances, not long after their engagement, because it may be one of the best love letters ever written.

#answered asks #g.k. chesterton #poetry #frances chesterton #father brown #manalive #the napoleon of notting hill #the ballad of the white horse #lepanto #orthodoxy

[figureofdismay]

Resonance Frequency please? 👀

For this WIP ask meme: https://www.tumblr.com/figureofdismay/740397915629125632/wip-meme-stolen-from-stripedroseandsketchpads-and

welp, I got sucked down a tangent trying to math out some of a fictitious Scully family tree + outline timeline shortly after sitting down to answer this one and it's now several hours later, oops 😅

I don't have anything coherent enough to share yet, just scene fragment here and there in my outline but in a way this is my specialest little ridiculous darling of a fic, my favorite project i've got on the go at the moment

Are you familiar at all with the John Crowley novel Little, Big? This one definitely shares some thematic space with that one. Kind of the idea that the Scully family, like the Drinkwater family is (or some of them are, more likely in the women) blessed/cursed with particular ~abilities and senses, which also come with certain responsibilities, to follow a certain path, though they never quite know what that path is until they realize they've been on it.

In the show canon Scully shows perceptive/psychic/premonitory abilities on multiple occasions, In Beyond The Sea both the visitation of her father's spirit upon his death, and her ability to 'see' and make sense of Boggs's vision and find the clues in a location that other agents had been over multiple time ~as if drawn there, and the sort of combined channeling/visionary experiences she has with Boggs -- Mulder thinks Boggs is faking the whole time and Scully doesn't because imo she's being pulled along into these psychic feelings. In One Breath she has her near death experience on the lake and is able to communicated to Melissa -- also shown to have sensitivities -- and to Mulder. In Blessing Way/Anasazi Scully has a visitation from Mulder when he's having his own near death experience. In Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose she "figures out" who the killer is by looking at a tarot card and handling a bit of lace that was stuck to the killer's clothes (somehow the fact that she 'saw' the killer is never mentioned again lol), and again she is able to interpret Bruckman's visions better than anyone else involved in the case while claiming she doesn't believe in any of it. In Revelations she acts a chosen protector to a boy who is touched with stigmata and has visions of his own, and agrees that she is fulfilling a fated, sacred role. She has visions in Elgy, a case where Mulder believes the visions are harbingers of death, and while this is deep in the cancer arc and Scully and the audience both believe this means she's getting sicker, a part of me wonders if this is yet more of her sympathetic abilities at play, because obviously she is saved at the eleventh hour from the cancer, and Elegy comes a couple months before things get really bad and also the other people who had the visions were dead within hours, thus the whole 'immediate harbinger' thing. Then there's the whole Sixth Extinction/Amor Fati sacred alien text on a crashed spaceship and visitation from Albert Holstein in a coma thing, which I suppose we're supposed to attribute to the ship but again I choose to see it as Scully's abilities.

So. That's canon but the fic idea is to turn those abilities up and make it a consistent backbone of Scully's life. Say that it's a powerful overwhelming thing that frightens her, so instead of playing with crystals and tarot cards and tea leaves and dream reading with Melissa, she tries to shut it out and doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to sound crazy and she doesn't want to feel out of control. She studies sciences and medicine trying to make sense of the world and square it with what she senses. She's drawn to surgery specialties and then pathology because the extra psychic abilities make dealing with living patients impossibly overwhelming, but she can't explain it that way to her conservative Catholic mother and her Naval Captain father.

Also her childhood 'imaginary friend' was the ghost of her great grandfather, which was a catalyzing event for her developing skepticism of her own perceptions.

In her work on the X files, she can tell the hoaxes from the not hoaxes instinctively, but good luck getting her to talk about that directly! Even with Mulder, who theoretically would believe any 'sense' she had. Though, in practice Mulder *isn't* that much of a believer beyond the areas of aliens "experiences" and cover-ups or cryptids.

The canon divergence begins with Beyond the Sea, where I posit that a Scully with stronger "powers" tries again and harder to talk with Mulder about her experience with Boggs. Of course Mulder keeps getting hung up on "If you know and sense these things, why don't you believe me and my things??" which is a huge stumbling block. And of course Scully wants to keep any of her personal 'impressions' out of any official X-files documentation so as not to become a curiosity (another point of ongoing conflict because Mulder constantly puts himself and his family in the middle of the files and while he mostly understands that she doesn't want to become a laughingstock, he also doesn't totally Get It). Mulder wants to know all about it and to talk all about it but he struggles with the contradiction of this very literal scientist successfully middle class partner having these abilities instead of some ~mutant~ oddity societal outlier eccentric from one of his files, meanwhile Scully is desperate for him not to treat her differently over it. Or like Counselor Troi on the Enterprise, an 'empathic' short-cut to the answers, because it's not as predictable/reliable/literal as that for her.

BUT it does open up a stronger dialogue about her belief-unbelief spectrum with Mulder. I feel like I can get away with putting them more on the same page about the alien conspiracy stuff. A broader base of things they can agree are Likely-The-Case even though Scully still wants something quantifiable before admitting it to the higher-ups. This whole AU came about partly because I'm tired of the way show itself kept putting Scully in the role of the tropey nagging, no-fun rational wife, to the point where her denial actually became irrational. Giving her Abilities + Belief but also a good reason not to want to talk about it feels like a good compromise.

And greater prescience might lead them away from some of the bigger pitfalls, and I'm trying to decide at the moment how much and how quickly I can veer them away from canon. Like, does it mean she still gets abducted? or do they do more about Duane Barry? What about Melissa's death, can she foresee that? Or is seeing not enough to deter inevitability? Would it make a difference in their argument about Diana?

I have some decisions to make here honestly. I have 2 versions of the potential outline-ish shape, one where the abduction happens and one where it doesn't. I'm leaning towards the one where it doesn't and some other things happen, but I'm not sure if that feels too much like "cheating" and "overindulging" so I'm a bit stuck 😅😵‍💫. Opinions on that one would be welcome lol

#fic writing #my fic #fic: resonance frequency #msr #txf #character theory: scully #AUs i need in my life #fic writing problems #ask games

[saficswrites]

EoaFH the Rinnen Cut

This is a scene from chapter fifteen of Elegy of a Forgotten Heir containing the fan favorite character Rinnen. I wanted to post this separately so her many fans the world over could enjoy one of her scenes without having to go through a really long fic with a lot of content warnings just to see her.

I do worry how much sense this will make without the context provided by the overarching story so I’ve included some small elaborations and a very brief summary, also this scene does contain some spoilers for the fic due to it taking place over 60k words in.

But without further ado it is Rinnening time below the cut and I hope you enjoy!

Elegy of a Forgotten Heir is an au retelling of Radiant Dawn from the lens of Petrine barely surviving Riven Bridge and becoming an integral part of the Dawn Brigade. It also includes a pretty extensive prologue giving her an actual backstory as a bastard daughter of the Crimean royal family (Ramon and Renning/Bertram’s half sister, not Elincia’s generation) and the first orphan Volke took in.

Also she and Micaiah have a thing, a weird codependent toxic thing.

If this sounds interesting to you please be mindful of the content and trigger warnings I gave to the chapters on their tumblr posts as well as the tags on Ao3. This has been a very viscerally dark story so far, that said there are no major warnings for the scene in this post.

(Larabel’s, a brothel run by Anna in Nevassa that serves as a front for an information and spy ring. Rinnen ended up becoming one of Anna’s agents, primarily an enforcer, in the aftermath of the war and she serves as Volke and Tormod’s main contact within the ring.)

(Samina, Bryce’s mother and King Ashnard’s physician. She was the one who kept Petrine alive for two years in the aftermath of Riven Bridge, though her wounds were so severe she wasn’t able to recover past simply delaying the inevitable until Micaiah’s eventual use of Sacrifice.)

Nevassa region of Daein

648th year Begnion Central Epoch

Rinnen

Rinnen stuck out like a sore thumb in her lily-white bishop's robes. Shedding them in an alleyway, she carefully sorted through the thin chains that sat on her hip. 

"Piss off, gutter trash." A man sneered as she strolled into the bar.

Rinnen snarled at the man, briefly flashing a stiletto before pushing past him to join Volke at the counter.

"You shouldn't make such a scene, little red." He murmured, sliding his tankard down the bar her way before setting a stack of cards next to her.

"You know I'm not as good at subterfuge or defusal as you, old man." Rinnen replied, her blue eyes warming with delight upon inspecting the stack of reaper cards. She swiveled in the stool, glancing at him. He looked the same, right down to the tired eyes. "How are things going in Crimea?" 

The Fireman flicked his maroon eyes in her direction, and waited for the barkeep to pass.

"Not well, Rinnen. The nobility seems primed to revolt against the newly crowned Royal.” He explained impassively. “And Daein?" 

Rinnen pocketed the reaper cards, and slid a marked coin across the bar. Tossing her long red locks over her small shoulders, she leaned forward.

"The occupation army is committing abuses on a mass scale. I've evacuated most of your orphanages to remote regions, and ensured the safety of the remaining residents of Palmeni." She whispered. Her hand briefly brushed over his, just a whisper touch as she sipped from his tankard.

"And Sella?" He muttered. Their eyes locked in silence again, and Rinnen hesitated.

"Samina is gone. I'm sorry, Volke." Rinnen whispered.

She saw it in his jaded eyes for the briefest moment. Pain, insurmountable, and a horrific flash of grief.

"Is the village okay?" He murmured, lighting a pipe. She smelled the mint, and tobacco, and closed her icy eyes.

"Yeah. By the time I got there, grandma had already been buried. Right next to my father. After I unleashed my grief, I went looking for answers. The Begnion were all but slaughtered, Volke. The villagers talked about an injured woman who fought like 3 devils, and a saint. I couldn't get much from them... something about blades of light, and rebels." Rinnen muttered, twisting a few chains around her hand in a rare sign of nervousness. "It's likely they were the Dawn Brigade. We've been in contact with them, well Anna has. I meant to visit you sooner.... I'm sorry." 

Volke shook his head.

"Samina would be happy you didn't mix yourself up in it. How is Larabel's?" He murmured gently, his grief obviously softening his tone.

Rinnen signaled for another drink, and grinned.

"Profitable as always. You should visit Anna. I'm sure she has a contract or two for you." She chuckled.

"I'm already under a job." Volke muttered, shaking his head.

"Well, I'm about to set off on a new contract. Gotta get word to the Laguz Liberatore from another one of your kids." Rinnen grumbled as she stood up, laying her hand on the old man’s shoulder.

"Be careful, Rinnen. You're the last in a bloodline of brilliance." He murmured, seemingly amused at her willingness to give out information.

"If I see any more of your 'projects', you want me to say anything to her?" Rinnen chuckled at the brief flash of anger in those old eyes, holding her hands up in mock surrender. "Sorry old man. I told you I have no ability for defusal." 

She felt a bit sad, to leave him alone in a bar. But at the same time, they both had jobs to do.

#rinnen fire emblem

[grntaire]

in the midst of the earth: good omens-coded sacred choral music

below is the text and english translation for each piece :)

1. beati quorum via, charles villiers stanford

Beati quorum via integra est, qui ambulant in lege Domini. // Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the Lord.

2. aus tiefer not schrei ich zu dir, felix mendelssohn

Aus tiefer Not schrei ich zu dir, Herr Gott, erhör mein Rufen; Dein gnädig Ohr neig her zu mir / Und meiner Bitt sie öffne! Denn so du willt das sehen an, was Sünd und Unrecht ist getan, wer kann, Herr, vor dir bleiben? // Out of deep anguish I call to you, Lord God, hear my cries; bow down your gracious ear to me and open it to my plea! Since you behold, according to your will, what sin and injustice is done, who can stand, Lord, before you?

3. agnus dei, josef rheinberger

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis. // Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy upon us.

4. vinea mea electa, francis poulenc

Vinea mea electa, ego te plantavi: quomodo conversa es in amaritudinem, ut me crucifigeres et Barrabam dimitteres. Sepivi te, et lapides elegi ex te, et ædificavi turrim. // O vineyard, my chosen one! I planted you: how are you changed from sweet to bitter, to have crucified me and released Barrabas? I protected you; I have removed stones that could bother you and built a tower for your defense.

5. lux aeterna, edward elgar

Lux aeterna luceat eis, Domine, cum sanctis tuis in aeternum, quia pius es. Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis, quia pius es. // May eternal light shine on them, Lord, with your saints for ever, for you are good. Give them eternal rest, Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon them, for you are good.

6. do not be afraid, philip stopford

Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name; you are mine. When you walk through the waters, I'll be with you; you will never sink beneath the waves. When the fire is burning all around you, you will never be consumed by the flames. When the fear of loneliness is looming, then remember I am at your side. When you dwell in the exile of a stranger, remember you are precious in my eyes. You are mine, O my child, I am your Father, and I love you with a perfect love.

7. spaséniye sodélal, pavel chesnokov

Cпасение coдeлaл еси посреде земли, Боже. Аллилуия. // Spaséniye sodélal yesí posredé ziemlí, Bózhe. Allilúiya. // Salvation is made in the midst of the earth, O God. Alleluia.

#when a special interest meets a hyperfixation #gnawing my teeth on the chesnokov it’s literally the thesis of good omens #if the translations suck it’s liedernet’s fault not mine #lmao #also the poulenc is one of my fav pieces of all time <3 love that fruity lil frenchman #music things #good omens #aziracrow #ineffable husbands

[dimension20npcofalltime]

Round One - Bracket Thirty-Two [Dimension 20 NPC of All Time]

Cinderella vs Baron from the Baronies

Descriptions under the cut

Cinderella - She/Her

Campaign: Neverafter

Who is she?

Cinderella is the Princess of Elegy, and a warrior who battles against the Conclave of Fairies of Neverafter.

Why is she the NPC of All Time?

"Sword lesbian representation! Every time i see her character art I just have to blush and twirl my hair."

Submitted by: @sluttycinderella

Baron from the Baronies - They/Them

Campaign: Dimension 20 LIVE

Who are they?

Baron is a nightmare entity that resides in an unknown mirror dimension. It was created from Riz's lies, perpetuated by the curse of the Coin, when he pretends to be dating someone from The Baronies named Baron.

Why are they the NPC of All Time?

"Now i will admit, i do not think Baron will win NPC of all time in the wider d20 bracket, but from me specifically, they truly deserve the title & so i must submit. i love the horror of a distorted reflection. i love when the hidden parts of oneself are laid bare for all to see, the image twisted but inescapably you. i love mirrors as a looking glass into the life one can never have. baron as a symbol and narrative push towards the realization and acknowledgement of riz being asexual was done so WELL in my opinion and as an ace person i am enamored with baron. i love their fucked up accent. they are a beautiful little monster. they are your romance partner! they will drag you to the baronies to see their stark father!!!"

Submitted by: Anonymous

#dimension 20 #dimension20npcofalltime #dimension 20 bracket #dimension 20 tournament #d20 #fantasy high #neverafter #neverafter spoilers #fantasy high sophomore year

[randomfoggytiger]

Never Again: An Intensive Essay

This post is its own project, as I felt it necessary to approach 'Never Again' with a lens divorced from my Personality Type post (found here-- more in depth and with play-by-play screenshots.)

Without further ado, here we go~

Loss of Control-- the Cause, or the Symptom?

‘Never Again’ is, on its surface, about three people losing control over their lives-- Ed Jerse has lost his family in divorce, Scully has lost herself to the quest, and Mulder is losing Scully as she questions the decisions in her life. But the truth lies one layer deeper-- why DID they lose control of their lives? What was the mechanism? And that is the episode's true, nefarious 'villain': fear.

Fear, the Disrupting Mechanism

Scully contemplates many things this episode: a rose petal left on a grave, Mulder’s nameplate on his desk, endless lines, and her life. She has given her natural loyalty and tireless devotion to a cause that could save real lives and fulfill her by the same token. The true reason for her devotion, however, was not to the cause, but to its seeker: Mulder. Every loss she has suffered, every small victory she gained, and every fear she faced was at his side and with his strength. It is not the journey that is the never-ending line, because she always gets roped back in when Mulder asks her to (this episode, Elegy, The Ghosts That Stole Christmas, Dreamland I and II, etc.) It is her relationship; particularly, that she has chosen Mulder and his quest above all things-- the respect of her peers, a life, her family, even her fertility-- but that he hasn't chosen her the same way.

In The Jersey Devil, Scully stated to her friend Ellen: “He’s a jerk. ...He's not a jerk. He’s obsessed with his work.” Since then, Mulder and she have grown undoubtedly closer-- their reassignment, her abduction, her coma and recovery, Donnie Pfaster, his father’s death, her sister’s death, his mother's stroke, and many other experiences-- and Scully has aided and abetted willingly all his schemes, teasing and flirting each step of the way. In Home, Mulder set himself up as a candidate for her Uberscullies, and even leaned into her inquiry. There was fertile ground for a more nuanced discussion of their relationship after the Peacock horrors unfolded, with a more somber Mulder and vindicated Scully.

But then The Field Where I Died happened. Scully’s unrivaled closeness to Mulder was shaken by his attachment and grief over the loss of his professed ‘soul mate.’ Equilibrium was restored by the time Mulder paid a visit to Russia, Scully was incarcerated for contempt of court, and John Lee Roche was shot in his undeserving head; but the doubt remained. Scully's priority has always been Mulder; but she's afraid he doesn't return that devotion.

Missed Signals 

Scully gazes at the rose petal on the grave because it is a physical marker of the love someone has for the deceased, conquering even death. She takes it with her, simultaneously contemplating it and the nameplate on Mulder’s desk. The realization that there is no marker of her presence in Mulder’s life leads her to question her life, this quest, her loyalty-- but not to realize, quite yet, what the true root of the problem is. That realization is after her skirmish with Jerse.

Mulder is whirring around the office in preparation for his forced vacation; but is pulled up short when Scully asks him why she doesn’t have a desk. He makes a flippant but sincere remark before redirecting her to a case to do in his absence. Scully debunks its importance, unspooling the informant’s story good-naturedly and trying to avoid her brewing emotions... until Mulder uses that ‘assignment’ word again. Scully balks at this, flinging out a remark not dissimilar to her “macho man” accusation in Syzygy.

Offended, Mulder steams that his files mean everything to him, stating: “You were just assigned here.” This affirms Scully's seed of doubt: that she was assigned and appreciated only for her value to the work (it's not until Fight the Future that this is resolved) and not for something more.

“And it’s become mine.” 

Mulder screeches to a halt, his bravado and irritation disintegrating into a puff of smoke-- "You don't want it to be?"-- so suddenly and shakily that Scully tries to soften the blow, too late. Mulder’s face crumples-- physically folding in on himself-- blindsided and fearful of what she'll say next.

Scully tries to explain that she feels like she's lost herself while everyone else has moved on: “...while my own life is… standing still.”  She gives a tight, false huff of laughter (an outward sign of the raging, internal panic) because she doesn't know what's wrong. Scully believes she knows it’s being trapped by “the endless line”; but if that were the case, she wouldn’t stick with it for as long as she has or continue to do during Never Again and the rest of her time with the FBI. The lesson she learns is that the never-ending line isn't the quest: it's her relationship with Mulder.

Mulder is a man driven by his passion for solving the endless puzzles laid out to lead him to and away from the Truth. He is also a man that has a miniscule support system, and no one else on the planet to understand him. Scully in one fell swoop sweeps his feet from under him, causing him to panic and search for the quickest solution he can find. He deduces incorrectly that maybe he’d gotten under her skin too much lately; and excuses himself from the room and her life as quickly as possible. To Scully, this is the final nail in the coffin of what she assumes is her worth in Mulder's life.

Escaping Confusion in the Arms of the Confused

Scully tries to escape from these feelings by pouring herself into the assignment. She believes her struggle is with the work, and doggedly pursues it to try to rediscover her drive for it. This leads her to Ed Jerse; and her interest is peaked when he makes obvious flirtatious overtures and invites her to dinner. She leaves the interaction feeling better without realizing it's because someone expressed interest in her rather than a job well done.

And then Mulder calls. She is genuinely happy he tracked her down; but the interactions spirals when Mulder refocuses his attentiveness to her case. When he expresses surprise and disapproval in how she wrapped it up (accidentally coming across as chastising when he was just confused and needing a reason), Scully becomes offended. Her anguished feeling has returned; but the satisfaction doubles back when Mulder jealously pokes at her having a date. She hangs up, leaving him to stew.

From here on out, Scully is pursuing that satisfying feeling. Her actions are guarded but curious as she is slowly coaxed to Ed's apartment, then to the crummy bar, then to the tattoo parlor, and finally back to Ed's apartment again. With Jerse, she believes she is finding happiness through breaking the "authority" Mulder has on her life; but what she has done is simply replace him with Ed, centering her face on Ed's reactions at each of her revelations and new experiences. Her date, meanwhile, is feeding both of their self-delusions by giving Scully too much overeager attention and sponging off the bit she gives in return.

The tattoo: Scully gets an ouroboros for obvious reasons laid out in the episode. But she gets it placed directly on her lower back where Mulder rudders and steadies her. This was intentional on her part; but it now serves two mortifying purposes: a continual reminder of her big mistake, and a reminder that she didn't know herself at all.

It's not until Ed Jerse self-destructs that Scully can see clearly her actions for the first time, and why she did them, and why they are different than Ed's. Jerse's fear of women-- how his wife destroyed his life, how Betty 'continues' to destroy it-- tore apart his mind long before the tattoo could or did. And Scully realizes the solution she had sought from him were the things she wanted from Mulder but believed she would never have: a crummy bar with Ed, a tattoo with Ed, a night with Ed. That is why, when the dust has settled and she is back to the office, that Scully is at more of a loss than she had started... because, while she could get a life, she wants Mulder to be a part of it (poking at his lack of one since The Jersey Devil; and continuing to hint about the possibilities from Home onward.)

The Basement Redux 

Scully's depressed and teary spirits are quickly shoved aside when Mulder arrives. She refuses to engage; and his rambling gets worse and worse as he realizes the canyon has widened. His attempts at humor-- "You look a lot better than you did in the hospital", "And congratulations for making a personal appearance in the X-Files for the second time”-- fall flat, and his anguish is visible when he turns to deliver "It's a world record." (See this post for play by play.)

He bridges the gap while reading Ed Jerse's medical diagnosis; giving Scully time to march to her chair. But in the middle of his “better late than never, huh?” he abruptly stops when she reaches for the dried-up rose petal. Launching from the chair, Mulder stretches, tenses, rolls his head, and hunches up his shoulder in another mad quest through his files for a last-minute distraction. He is finally forced to admit defeat: “All this because… because I didn’t get you a desk?”

Scully is shocked he actually asked; and her face softens at his vulnerable voice and confused, hurt expression. She explains in Mulder-speak: “Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life.” 

The great misunderstanding of Scully: she is NOT drawing a circle around herself, enforcing boundaries that Mulder can never cross, cutting him out and keeping him from ruining her perfect, private world. What she wants, what she needs, is for him to acknowledge that her loyalty and steadfastness and courage and faithfulness is reciprocated-- beyond the quest, beyond the Truth. That "that unspoken" she feels is felt by him, too.

She gets her acknowledgment; but there is no comfort in it.

Mulder’s unspoken “Yes, but it’s become mine” dies on his lips as Scully’s meaning dawns on him. 

Mulder freezes as he realizes two things at once: Firstly, that Scully wants them to stop circling the drain of their relationship. What she had been seeking in Jerse wasn't a rejection of him-- it was him. But secondly-- he realizes that he can’t take that next step. He at least tries to repeat his confession-- sucking air in, moving his lips-- but can't get the words out.

Scully cocks her head, queuing him to continue, wanting him to continue. But when Mulder's second attempt fails, and his mouth permanently closes, Scully realizes her two things: Mulder understands her message; and reciprocates but can't return it. At least not yet. Her gaze falls once again, her hopes crushed. For all that she has "gained", Scully is still on that endless line, looping around and around in perpetuity.

To sum this disaster up:

Scully is daily motivated by the journey. Her sense of worth to the world is why she left medicine for the FBI; and every day she makes a fulfilling difference. The never-ending line that she is trapped in befuddles her at first, wondering if she's lost herself and her motivations because of a discontent she is deeply feeling. When Mulder walks out on her, Scully misreads his intentions as abandoning her to his bidding; and resentment begins to build. Work was what fulfilled her before, so she tries to do it again; and, by solving the case Mulder "assigned" her, she runs into Jerse and his crumbling issues. Ed's problems seem to mirror hers, and she is interested and hopeful enough to try his solutions. They fall apart; Ed falls apart; and Scully's thoughts of herself and her motivations fall apart with them. She realizes what she truly needed was Mulder, and that Mulder cannot give her what she wants.

Is Leonard Betts or Memento Mori Next? 

Setting aside Morgan, Wong, and Gillian's insistence that Never Again took place before Leonard Betts and is unattached to the cancer arc, let's analyze Scully's actions to deduce a timeline.

It is appealing to place Never Again after Leonard Betts because of Scully's contemplative, dour mood after taking the flower from the gravestone. However: if Never Again were simply a joy ride to express that she'd thrown caution to the wind to LIVE, then it would prove she'd already given up. Then the message Memento Mori would have been useless; because that is when she grapples with her mortality and hopelessness and rises above it; but not before denying there's a problem and refusing to admit she's dying FIRST. Scully cannot both recklessly give up in one episode and be horrified that she is slowly dying the next. (Not to mention her real, fearful concern over the ergot poisoning she and Ed could be suffering from.)

Finally, if this episode were about Scully's reckless abandon because of her cancer (and not about her own fears and priorities), then she wouldn't have needed to be coaxed by Ed each step of the way-- her motel, his apartment, the crummy bar, the tattoo parlor, and back to his apartment. She would have simply given up and jumped on each new opportunity handed her way.

But does it make sense to place it before Leonard Betts?

Yes-- it's the perfect case to pull Scully from her doldrums. Most of Leonard Betts is brimming with medical jargon and theories; and Mulder relies heavily on her expertise to jump from one conclusion to the next while teasing her lightheartedly and taking the time to listen, proving her value. Not only that, but he's just as flummoxed through most of the episode, which gives her ample time to show off here and there. Scully feels valuable again-- which makes the ending even more tragic. She knows Mulder loves her but can't reciprocate, laying to rest the fear of The Field Where I Died; but now she is afraid of terminal cancer in lieu of her MUFON sisters. Knowing Mulder relies on her in ways that no one else can fill and would have that support ripped away (and her own life with it) is a gut punch of epic proportions.

Thanks for reading!

Enjoy!

#txf #Never Again #An Intense Essay #S4 #mine #analysis #xf meta #meta #xfiles #x-files #the x-files #txf meta #Scully #Mulder #Ed Jerse #Leonard Betts