#elias.zip

[theood]

Haha lol I love going downstairs and getting yelled at every single time because the dogs go fucking crazy when I come down the steps and I can't do anything to fix that and it makes me want to die because I hate getting yelled at and I can't fix anyfhing and I can't stop the dogs from going fucking ballistic because I chose to go downstairs but god every single fucking bit of progress I makw goes doen the drain every single day amd i might as well just get back into one meal a day and maybe a drink a day because that minimizes the amount of times.im.down there amd minimizes ehen I'm getting yellwd at

#elias.zip #the dogs are too reactive to us coming downstairs but yelling isn't helping. i dont know how to stop that. its annoying sure but jsut fuckin #live with it i guess. youre the stupid fucking idiots who chose this house with none of its soundproofing and your dogs who lived in a trail #er with you for fucking years what do you expect i dont know stop yelling at me!!! stop yelling at me!!!! im small and little and i dont #like it. i don't like when adults raise their voices i don't like the sound of angry yelling i hate being here. im never going to grow up. #im goingto be 9 and trapped in my room forever and a brat and waste of space and a mistake and unplanned and a burden. i wish we never fuck #ing moved in with them. they should've stayed in Florida. They should've chose another place. i hatw it here i hate them. go live with my mo #ms sister or something leave us. i fucking hate everything. i hate living. i hate living here. never going to fucking escape bc im poor and #stupid and i should've gone to university and just left everyone and be forgtten about. im never going to make enough to save myself. i sho #uld just give up because nothing good ever fucking happens. everyone's going to be disappointed in me no matter what i do I can't ever #fucking make anyone in my family like me. im always lying. #whats the point anymore! i dont fucking know.

[theood]

Feel like my parents are super mad at me for leaving them l-m-a-o

#abt to bash my head into a wall #I've been trying to see my memere for months now and every time i have the opportunity something else comes up. she MISSES me. I miss her!!! #I want to SEE her I want to get to hug her. I like her a whole lot more than my other grandparents. Im sorry i wont be here for Thanksgivin #g with YOU and I won't be here for Christmas either. I just. god i fucking hate this. I can't ever make anyone in my family happy #elias.zip #i guess

[theood]

.

#not even here thirty fucking minutes and the yelling already started. no fucking wonder she acts out you don't treat her like a human being. #also 👍 hearing her other grandma talk like. wow! great! another nd kid in our family whos going to be violated and beaten into submission. #i have to learn I can't do anything for her but i see so much of me in her bc shes treated just like how i was. #anyway. only post about this hopefully. shes only here for a few days #elias.zip

[theood]

I keep one habit I lose three more. I try to get better, five things go wrong in my life and someone dies again, I try to do good, I do everything wrong. I get a job, I feel miserable, I push through, I feel worse.

The cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. Nothing changes. Nothing will ever change because this is all there is to life for me. It's going to be this, and then I'll die.

I'm never even going to get out of this house. It's been worse since we moved here. There's nothing here. I'm going to fucking rot away here and no one will know or care because in the grand scheme of it, I am so fucking unimportant and worthless and I take up more space than I'm worth

#at least I got on T. That's nice. Might lose that when I lose my insurance. I'll need to get another full time job again. I'm struggling wit #h my part time one but if I ever even have a hope of moving out I'll probably need a full time job and a part time job for when I'm not work #ing the full time one. And that'll still barely cover the bills. Plus utilities. Plus Internet. Plus car payments and insurance. And #groceries. #I just can't do it. #I'm not made to work. not made for this. but i have too because everyone struggles and everyone else sucks it up and I'm just a sensitive #crybaby! #elias.zip

[theood]

Fucking cunt. "I was just making a statement" I was having a conversation. I have a lot of problems with my parents but I'm not gonna let you shit talk my mom. Do you think she WANTS her teeth just sitting in her mouth rotting and breaking off when she eats food? Do you think she's just like omg lol getting hashtag old about that? No. Two years ago we couldn't AFFORD the dentist. We still can't fucking afford the dentist. She lost her you're poor coverage, and she literally could not afford to take the time off because, despite what's what everyone in our family seems to think we are bone-fucking-poor because it's a fucking circle jerk of generational trauma here and poverty runs through both sides of this fucking cursed family. I hate it here I really truly fucking hate it here

#we barely make bills with my dad back in construction at 50 something and mom working so much she had to STOP bc they'd have to pay her over #time it has always been like this. i ***** *'* ***** ** **** ****** *** ****! #elias.zip #like. i dont love my parents. you do not fucking get to make remarks about my mother like that to my face. i dont care youre her father your #e being a fucking cunt. smarten up

[theood]

I don't think anything is wrong with you, I think you're depressed. Why are you thinking like that. What does it prove for us, as a being? Tell me. Use your words to tell me what and why. You're just depressed. And you've never been anything but that.

#elias.zip #about us (me) #ignore I've been feeling this exact string of thought(s) for weeks now we are fineee 👍 we are good #**** *** **** *** ***. But that's not my place to speak #***** *'* **** * ****** *** *** ***'* ***. ******* * *** ****** ****** ******** *** ** *****'* ****. I don't know man. I don't know anythin #anymore #* **** **** **** * ***** ** * ****** ** *****. * **** **** ****** **** **** #who knew the **** **** ******** would feel things like that haha #**'* ******* * **** *** ** *** *** * *** **** ****** *** *** *** **** *** ** *** ***** *** ***** ************ *** *** * ****** *****. #*** * *****'* **** ***** **** **** ****** ***** ***** ** **** ***** *** ********* **** *** ***** *** *****. *** ** ** ****** **** ** ** ** #**** *** **** *********. *** ******. *'* *** ******* ** **** **** * ***'* **** ****** ****** *'* ****** ** *** ***** **

[theood]

Suddenly so stressed about everything 👍

#grandpa said he's probably gonna turn in his license soon #whicj good i agree he should. still haven't gotten mine though. if he does there goes getting a job. going anywhere. there goes my paychecks #for SIX months if I can even get my license. amd if he does get rid of it that means I legally csn only practice on the weekends when my d #ads here. in his truck. a thing you shouldn't practice in first time. #i just wont have money. I'll have to pay to go to work. to get home from work. to go to the store. eveything. i wont ever get out of here #and i can't get to the store to pick up my needles to do my shots. let alone to get to the clinic. everything was starting to look up for me #not to be pessimistic but I really fucking let myself think anything good would ever happen. and look what happened. what always happens to #me. it got pulled out from under me because I don't deserve it. don't deserve to be happy. #im never fucking leaving. I'm going to rot here. i csnt save myself. I'm useless. no place will hire me or even call back. i dont know why #i bother with it. i was so happy to transition finally and this just keeps happening to me. * ****** **** **** ** i dont see any reason * #* **** *****. *****'* ** ****** ***** *'* ***** #elias.zip

[theood]

God I still really hate taking orders. I have not heard my.voice waiver that bad in years 🖒

#anf it still makes me feel like crying + shutting down #lol im not gonna make it working the rest of my life I can only do retail stuff im too stupid for anything else and I can't even make i #t where I am now #*** ** * ***** *** *** *** if i can't even keep a job? #elias.zip #is ny shift over yet?

[theood]

STOP COMPARING ME TO MY COUSIN! STOP COMPARING ME TO YOUR FRIENDS! THEIR JOURNEYS AND EXPERIENCES AND CHOICES ARE UNIQUE TO THEM. THEIR TRANS JOURNEYS ARE NOT EVERYONE'S FEELINGS.

I AM MY OWN PERSON. I HAVE MY OWN FEELINGS. I AM NOT A CHAINED DOG. I AM FREE AND MY PAWS ARE MUDDY. WHY WON'T YOU SEE THAT.

WHY DOES WANTING TO CHANGE MY BODY HURT YOU SO BAD? DO YOU THINK YOU FAILED ME? IS THAT IT?

#elias.zip #jesus christ. You want me to be a chained animal. You want me to be a tame dog. I am not. I never wanted to be #Taking T isn't mutilating myself. I just want to be HAPPY with myself. Is that too much to ask? Is that selfish?

[theood]

Yesterday while i was talking to my parents my mom was like, oh "You're not ready to move aren't you?" and then went "you want us to be there don't you?"

Like. Fucking believe it or not but that actually isn't it. I don't want to move period. I don't want to lose being alone in the trailer. I've THRIVED being alone like this. It's done wonders for me. I don't want to fucking revert back to having to stay in my room less I want to feel like utter shit. Everything was JUST starting to feel ok. And I'm going to lose all of that when we move!!!! And everyone is on top of each other how am I going to do anything without being yelled at for being too loud and waking my grandparents and I'm too loud whenever I speak and then it'll turn into I can't talk to ny friends I csnt call any of them I can't do anything and I'll just fucking rot away in my room and revert back to how I was in school. What is the silver lining here!!

#negative #i just have to make it ro January. Everything will be okay January. #Elias.zip #I'll probably be moved in within 2 weeks and haha *feels sick to my stomach* #I don't want this!!!! I never fucking wanted this. I should have been z better teen. I should have started drivers ed at 15 and gotten a jo #b at 16 and worked better and been better and done what everyfuckingother kid did and I'd have license and I wouldn't be fucking useless. b #ut I did none of that!!!! and why???? bc I'm fucking stupid

[theood]

>come home

>Wake up next morning to instant complaining from my dad about other grandparents

>fucking said this was gonna happen. I warned my mom! I told her! It's gonna be my dad who blows up and causes a ripple effect

>want to be back with Bev. I so badly want that no responsibility stuff. I feel bad for choosing to stay at my own place!!

>I'm going to rot at the new house when we move I'm going to rot I'm going to rot I'm going to rot I'm going to rot

>time to cry and probably give myself a headache and then just feel like complete shit lol

#elias.zip #gonna write all my vents like greentext bc its inherently funny #repititon tw #idk man. i just feel so bad!! At least I didnt know what was going on with Bev. I was happy #And I feel bad even saying that bc like the new house issue makes it seem like I'm complaining abt my grandparents and im not they just lik #e idk. with age they've been doing some Bad decisions? and it makes my dad so ticked off and there's no quicker way to ME feeling downright #awful then my parents being upset bc then it's my fault! i just feel like it is #I should've spoken up more on that house not being it #none of this would be going on if i had been even more vocal. it really is my fault #and now I'll never be happy again! #I'll never get to move out either and I'll be stuck there and nothing good ever happens to me. I won't get to live with the one guy who I #love so much. I just wanna be back with him

[theood]

not going to lie seeing all of the shit lately paired against trans people and just lgbtq in general is really making me feel absolutely fucking hopeless

#Elias.zip #its just wow. you want us to kill ourselves dont you? that's all people want from us is to be dead. they want me and all my siblings dead #no time ever now is trans in the news for a good reasons. its stricter and stricter laws. its a trans sister dead. its protect the kids its #dont let them see. you're killing children like this. it is so fucking hopeless. what future do i have when the world just keeps banning #every sliver of hope or rights we fought for #i can only stay so up to date with the newest personal bill to kill the nasty gross transgenders before i cry because i see nothing in my #future. i won't pass i won't get hormones because of that. they'll shut down pp so we wait years to just rot away

[theood]

Oh cool people being really mean about a thing I do 🤪 that's fine j can drop that entire chunk of my personality it's fine I needed a new one anyway so I'm more likeable 👍👍👍

#whatever tjink im spiraling i dont know. I don't care anymore it always fucking happens im not even a person anyway 👍👍👍👍👍 #no empathy no nuance no nothing right lol. heartless person thats me. i fucking hate who i am. truly. what is there to like about me. when t #his is all i ever am. ever will be. ever have been #a stupid fuckup who can't do anything when people around me have actual problems and actual fucking tragedies to deal with and what do i hav #e? oh the job search is a little rough #oh you're ''stressed'' entitled whiny fucking bitch. you dont pay bills. you did this whole job search problem to yourself not going to #college like everyone wanted. youre just keeping the cycle going should've sucked it up like everyone else fucking stupid piece of shit #and tou can't be stressed because you dont have to worry about anything. you just make up your own problems so people pay attention to you. #youre fucking sick in the head #elias.zip

[theood]

Dad snapped and don't feel like eating anymore 👍 awesome cool great. And I got too overwhelmed ordering food and made a fucking fool of myself. So much for enjoying it. Fucking hate how useless I am in public what's the fucking point when I can't do anything right

#elias.zip

[theood]

I'm actually an empath so..

#Elias.zip #my mom seems pissy. my dad is. well. my dad. but its really my mom making me feel guilty and bad like i caused this. this always happens whe #n either of them are even slightly upset i instantly feel so much worse. shes been really fucking upset with my dad recently its made #everything even worse. im not even walking on eggshells anymore. it's broken glass #the fucking stress and on edge feelings I feek every day are going to catch up to me.

[theood]

I love having my eating times being controlled by my grandparents 💜 like lol good thing I'm good at ignoring hunger pangs and forcing myself to just sleep regardless of how hungry I am

#elias.zip #disordered eating tw #like its fine lol. i can lose the weight ive gained anyway. I'm not hungry. I can guarantee I'll be hungry at like 11 but that doesn't matt #r. I've been meaning to force myself to sleep earlier anyways lol! whats better to do this than not being able to go eat. might as well jsu #sleep then