I want to be soft and kind. I want to be the person who understands and is always there. I want to be able to love freely and recklessly. I want to be sentimental and emotional. I want to be the thoughtful person who brings people random small things because “it reminded me of you.” I want to be the person my friends call when they need someone to talk to because they know I’m always there. I want to be the kind of person I feel like I’ve always needed.
But the thing is, my softness is met with brick walls. People take advantage of my kindness. The people I love have broken my heart time and time again. I hide what I’m feeling so much that sometimes I don’t even know. I see my friends give everyone but me something when they come back from a trip. No one answers their phone when I call. And I only call when I really need them because I don’t want to be annoying. I want to be the person I’ve always needed, but I’ve never met them and don’t know how to be them.
Is it so bad to want someone else to be there for me? Is it stupid for me to want to rely on someone else for a little while? To be able to give my heart away and it not be dropped and shattered? Is it naive for me to think someone else like that exists?
Being addicted to something is like living in a nightmare you don’t want to wake up from. I got off the shit once and I know I could do it again. The pills help me cope. They help me sleep. Without them I don’t even feel like me. It’s hard for me to care when the pills got my heart locked up.
How long had I been in town? A larger town than I had thought and yet, I still managed to find him. The man that captivated me. He was married, and yet.. my heart didn’t care. There was no secrets with us. I had just rented a house from the local MC Member, Colt. All he asked was that we dont bother the trailer next door it was for club activities. Rent was cheap, fitting in is a good thing right? Derek was showing me around town. Introducing me to people.
Laying on the couch across his lap we were talking. Just about our days. Hand slipping along my stomach as we lay there. It paused then as he connected eyes with me. “I want to give you a child. You and Selena.” My stomach knotted at the comment. A child? My twin and I both.. I wanted to tell him no. “A child? Both of us? And your wife?” Instead it was those three questions that would shift my life. Those blue hues like a clear ocean staring at me. All jokes aside I could tell with how his features shifted. “I would take care of the child and you both.” His hand moved along my cheek, instinctively I turn into it as I watch him. “You wouldn’t want for nothing. You know I am poly, so is she.” There was a lump in my throat. He was speaking with everything, he was prepared for my questions.
“And you.. I don’t think I am ready for a child.. would you be there, through it all? You wont run off? Promise..” My voice quivering a moment as the fear was sinking in. I wasn’t ready for a child! I had only just turned 21. But he was here, wanting something so..permanent with me. He couldn’t give me what I longed for; marriage. He ran his fingers through my hair. “Daddy promises to be there through it all for his babygirl.” And just like that my heart ruled over my brain. “Okay then, lets have a child.” It didn’t matter that he wanted to give my child both a sibling and a cousin. I just wanted him happy. I wanted to make him happy. I was his babygirl, and that was everything to me.
The months went on. Seasons changed. My birthday came around and I am rounder with child now. My sister hadn’t gotten pregnant. It hurt her that she hadn’t. I don’t understand why she always sounded like she didn’t want children. And though as the months had moved along and so did my thoughts on this child. I grew excited. I have always been one for family, and wanted a big family. But then the text came in. ‘Don’t tell anyone the child is mine…remember.’ I always thought it was because of what he did. Shootings, raping HPD women, torturing. What a way to get to someone then their pregnant lover? No..his wifey and him had one rule..and I am the proof he broke it. Willingly so, purposefully so. I am the 'mistake’ that shouldn’t have happened. The mistake he made sure happened.
Hand to my round belly, 'Mommy is here..da is around. You know it too. You get so excited around him.’ The tears ran down my cheeks despite keeping my voice calm. A half lie. Derek was around. But not for me. Not for his promise. How many nights had I gone out to HPD to visit my sister with him sharing a cell with her. Unable to look at him or else someone finding out. A stranger in this threeway. In he came and out he goes. Dropping off people, cash, weapons to stash for him. When I need him..busy. Selena off silent, no doubt with him. I may have been the babygirl, he may still come when he feels my mood shifting, my feelings waining.. I am not blind to his ways. Those psycosociopathic ways, so why can’t I just walk away.
>He hasn’t ever hit us that we didn’t enjoy. He loves me..he only says it to me…right. I can do this.
He had been pushing me to Doves ex, Austin. Poly wasn’t something I have ever done. Not on my end..
I have stayed silent for far to long. I snapped at him the other day. Virus had left the seat. It had been Spectre that took the hold. “You promised you would be here..through it all. And you have been so busy with my sister off shooting up cops, bringing home strange people. I want you here with me! Is it so much to ask…just for you to be here even just an hour…” I had been in tears, I could feel them spilling down my cheeks as I watched him standing there. The silence was suffocating, finally he stepped closer and slipped his arms around. “I hear you babygirl. I am sorry, you are right. I promised, but this is all for him when he is older. Call up the gang lets watch a movie.” Growing excited for the fact it had reached him. I was being given such a simple thing and yet it felt like the world had been handed to me. It didn’t take long and I was sending the text out. His daughter coming home who had moved in with us. Though she tended to stay with camiya, one of the HPD officers he raped, tortured, cut open. Faye too came over. I remember watching Guardians of the Galaxy. But not when I had fallen asleep. Waking up to an empty house. I pulled my phone out and sent a text.
Days went by and I hadn’t seen, heard from him. He had left. Completely. I was alone, doing this alone. My connection with my twin strained all over this man. For this man. 'You got everything! Took everything!’ Her words repeated in my head. How.. I got fat with child, and she got him. More time. Open time. I was some dirty secret kept. I had met a woman.. even she used me. To get close to my twin, my little angel, our younger sister, Chloe. Used to get to Lena. Is that all I am? Something … one to just be used. Is that to be my fate..have I upset Odin?. I had made new friends at least. I was making my own family. One that wanted me around. The cemetary and those souls around have become my comfort. They love to hear what is going on around town. I sing for them, check on them. There is this understanding.
Faye and Chris Vond had decided to adopt Serena. Daddy D had been gone so long and she needed someone that had time, would have time. She was always forgetting her insulin and getting into trouble. Im pregnant and can barely get around. But that touble had followed her to my home..
The temperature was shifting, and it was then a flurry hit my nose. Crossing my eyes to watch it melt. Looking up at the sky it was then Hathian was getting its first snow…if ever that I was aware of. Christmas was coming that was sure. November just setting in though. My phone buzzing announcing Derek had returned to town. And he had done so with a bang.
Mass text: Remember everyone. Death is not the End.. It is only the beginnings. Death is the Next greatest adventure. For those whose hands are floth with blood. For those who make a deal with a Devil. For those who deserve nothing more than what I’m getting right now. It is PAIN that I have felt. Pain that I have concentrated on for the many years of my life. To My Wife I love you, To Heil, AJ is the father, To Malakai, Brother perhaps this life wasn’t meant for you to see a new world.. Nor a New Order. Enjoy the ruins of an empire that you’ll never see. For the rest. For Ashlee. A monster is what I became.. A demon I am. At the very end.. It doesn’t matter anymore. Death is imminent for us all.
I found myself standing on this rooftop here. Looking down below at the people walking by. A few had stopped to look at me. How could they not? I am nearly 9 months along now and debating on ending everything. His wife knows now..he had decided to pull me into his dramatic drama. Put me on the radar of not but his children from her, but to the very creation he had made, his wife. Damon had warned me if his mother ever found out she would rip my son, his brother from my body and devour him before my eyes. My heart hurts, and worries. Not for my own but for Chaytons. “What have I done to deserve such a life. Why must you throw so many test at me. Is it to see just how much you can fuck with me until I crumble? Do you find more strength in me, Odin, than I do myself?” The snow is coming down hard now. I can no longer see HPD from here. Rick had joined me. He really sucks at talking someone off the ledge. Its laughable at best.
But it worked. I’m alive. Odin won this round. I wish to live.
Throw your worst at me, I will climb back to the top, bloody and thriving.
But I think many people are looking for that last minute dreamy high school love experience… Also though, logic isn’t everything… in fact, it probably only constitutes like a mere fraction of our life changing actions.
- a good friend of mine (on dating in high school)
Why is it so hard to live with it, so hard to ask for it, so complicated to expect it, and almost impossible to look for it.
Millennials have learned how to live a life for the gram, for the screen. We’ve accepted the individual way of life, as the forefront, as we embrace liberal ideas and uphold rights and support mental health. In all this, how did we manage to skip the essence of emotion? How did we end up so lonely? Why are we so afraid of speaking out?
If you want to talk, about anything at all, my inbox is open. I don’t know how to make the world a better place, but I can do my bit in pushing someone to cry out for help, for love for validation, for comfort, without worrying about the pressure of self love and contentment.
how must it feel to not fall in love with someone over the way they tuck their hair behind their ear, burst into tears from the symbolism of a poem, or turn murderous because someone called you odd. how does it feel to not live i̶̭͔̳̒̄̚n̵̘͗͝ ̵̻̣͆c̴̛͂͑̿͜a̷̹̟̲͗̀̌p̴̖̂̉s̴͙̫̃͐