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Why is it that when i make a new friend they leave because im mentally broken. I put a f***ing blade to my wrist last night and almost lost 3 weeks of progress. I tryed to talk to my friends but they have ran out of ideas. I just want the pain to end. I give up. 😣🔫

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You know, sometimes I wonder if I should keep going with all this.

I wonder if the people I admire would ever see me as a burden? Someone who is untalented and just a nuisance? (Mark, Thomas, Guy-Man ect.)

Just some feels hitting me today, mostly due to some personal family problems I’m going through right now.

I just feel so angry and frustrated. When did I become this angry, resentful, self destructive person?

I have come a long way since I was younger, but I still feel that I’m unable and incapable of feeling or existing like other people. I have nothing to show for myself.

My only skill is writing, and if I don’t have that, what do I have? People tell me I’m a good person, but I’ve been neglected all my life. I have no love for myself, so how can I love others?

It’s days like this where it all suddenly hits me and I just feel so weighted down by my emotions. I suppose that’s just me being a Cancerian and emotional baggage, tbh.

But sorry for the depressive rant everyone, just wanted to vent some feels.



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A Simple Ode To My Perpitrators

I have claimed back what you took.

This body is no longer your play thing.

These toes will never point in your direction.

These feet will never step to your orders.

These knees will never bend to your will.

These thighs will never be forced in any direction.

You never had a right to enter my body.

This stomach will never again be used as a reason.

A siren call about why I will never be enough.

The reason that only you could ever see it and not be in disgust.

My breasts will never again be compared to another woman’s

These shoulders will never hold the weight of your world.

These arms will never be left bruised with the evidence of your strength to pin.

These hands will never build your false good reputation whilst you destroy my truthful good one.

This neck will never hold a pulse of fear, afraid of what you will do next.

This mouth will never speak your twisted cover ups and taste your poisoned kiss.

These eyes will never again see your crocodile tears feigning emotions you know nothing about.

This hair will never be cut short for your liking.

This body will never be clothed in anything I do not choose it to be.

This body, is my body.

My toes will point in the direction I choose to go.

My feet will walk my own journey.

My knees will bend to my will.

My thighs are mine to control.

I have the right to say NO and choose who enters my body.

My tummy is mine and you were wrong because I can see it and not be in disgust- I am someone.

My breasts are mine and they are a beautiful part of womanhood.

My shoulders are to carry my world and no one else’s.

My arms are free.

My hands will only build for me.

My neck will only be a holder for fine jewellery and invited kisses.

My mouth will only speak my truth and taste the kiss of a good man.

My eyes will see through all lies and look upon truth.

My hair will grow long because when my hair grows long I feel the most myself.

My body is now clothed in armour.

This is my body.

It is the external wrapping of a mind that has taken decades of abuse.

Abuse in every sense of the word.

So many perpetrators I have lost count.

For years every inch of my body has carried their secrets.

The darkest parts of themselves that they released onto me.

As if my body was a punching bag for their demons.

These perpetrators chose me because I had a loud heart and a quiet mouth.

I have let people hurt me until I was laying on the floor with nothing left.

Then quietly, I let them use me as a stepping stone to their next accomplishment.

After all this, I am sorry to say you did break my mind. For a moment.

But believe it or not people cared enough to save me even when I no longer wanted to be.

People cared, something you said was truely impossible for me.

My mind has now seen the mistakes and is returning stronger.

Stronger than you ever thought possible.

I will never again let anyone puppeteer my mind.

Hurt me again and you’ll hear how loud I’ll scream.

There will be nothing to drown out the sound of what you’ve done.

This body and this heart is mine.

To everyone who slowly took pieces of it

Check your pockets or your dungeons

Or wherever you’ve kept me all these years.

I am no longer there.

I’m here. In my body. Whole. Where I belong.

This body can take pain the strongest medicine known to man couldn’t fix.

My mind can rise above it.

This body is mine. This big heart is mine. This mind is mine.

I am a strong woman and no one will take that from me.

- EssieYou

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It’s been a while since my last post. But it doesn’t mean I stopped writing. Yesterday while waiting for a file to be attached to an email (I have the worst internet connection, by the way), I happened to browse through my notes. And whoaaaalaaa I found something heavy! Here it is.

22.12.2019 8:56PM

Who among you wants to be extraordinary? So here I am, in my room with the lights off streaming a downloaded copy of a worship service. And this was the speaker’s introductory question. Who among you wants to be extraordinary? Without a tinge of hesitation, I found myself raising my hand muttering “Me! Me!”. But as fast as I was able to respond, I also retreated quickly as I reflect on the things that are happening on my life at the moment. Do I have the capability to be extraordinary? I asked myself.

I went on watching and it seems that this clip is listening to my thoughts. The speaker pointed out that no matter who you are, where you are and what your life’s status is, you can be extraordinary because God made us to be one. He cited Genesis 1:26 as proof. And continued with another question: What does it mean to be extraordinary? The answer? It’s found in Romans 8:28-29, to live an extraordinary life, one should become Christ-like.

To be Christ-like is something that is quite hard to do. Especially if things in your life is challenging to the point of you sometimes thinking of giving up, like you just want to live in a hole, get lost in the jungle, to disappear, to just die.

Earlier today, my dad came rushing in my room asking me why my mom’s crying. I don’t know was my answer. I stood up, went to their room and true enough, I found my mom curled up in bed crying. Like always, I don’t know how respond. I had so much drama for months now and today I decided to not give in to more. So I went back to my room and continue what I was doing. Minutes later, my dad went telling me that mom was banging her head against the wall. I stood up and went to their room again. It felt like I was splashed with a bucket of boiling water seeing her like that. I told her to keep on doing it so that our problems will get even worse as if what we have on our plate at the moment is not enough. And “what a great life we have!” with all the sarcasm I can pull off out of anger at what is happening. I stormed back in my room and continued what I was doing.

That wasn’t so Christ-like, I know. But Lord, how on earth should I respond to these things? What’s the right thing to do? What would Jesus do?

How can I be extraordinary? When I have a dad who’s dying of cancer yet has not changed a bit that it seems that making our lives miserable is his main goal in life? A mom who’s been diagnosed with a clot in a part of her brain due to a mild stroke and by now, drop dead tired of caring for my dad? A sister who’s a lazy drunkard with a foul mouth who blames me for everything and sees me as someone with the worst attitude? Another sister who has nothing to do with anyone but herself and keeps on smoking cigarettes even after witnessing what is happening to our dad who is dying of lung cancer from smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day? When I am so lost, myself? When I’m no longer sure how to proceed with all these things happening?

Lord, how can I be extraordinary for you? How can I better serve you?

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