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seangelfish · 9 months

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hi!! can i request romantic fluff of kaoru with a reader who likes to draw but is really shy about it? like they always hide their sketchbook when he goes up to them, but its bc they really likes to draw him when he isn't looking. tysm!! take your time and have a good day <3

Aww, this is actually a cute request because I absolutely love Kaoru and I could relate to the reader here too (as an artist myself)! I had to rewrite this twice because I didn't like my first draft lol but this version is definitely a lot better, so I hope you enjoy reading! ♡

Her sketchbook

Kaoru Hakaze x artist! Reader ♡ Genre/s: Fluff, mutual crush ♡ Word count: 1,423 ♡ Plot/summary: Kaoru always wonders what's inside that sketchbook of yours that you just won't show him. However, you vowed to never show this sketchbook to anybody especially Kaoru who you like so much.

During break, you would head off to the Yumenosaki Academy Garden where you would draw to your heart's desire. You usually drew the pretty flowers therce or the insects that visited them. Sometimes you'd draw the birds that would land on the table you were working on, also feeding them bits of your lunch. By time, that sketchbook of yours was covered in beautiful, colourful drawings of nature.

Kaoru, who had taken a liking to you, would always ask what you were up to. He'd always find you in the gardens smiling happily to yourself when you've finished a drawing. He liked seeing you like this when you're content and at peace.

“Hey, (Y/N)!” called out a voice.

You knew it was Kaoru, so you looked up at him and smiled. He's been visiting you a lot lately, and you always enjoyed his presence.

“Haha, you’re drawing again?” he asked happily. “Can I see?”

As you glanced down at the drawing you were working on, you gasped. This made him look down too, but you had already slammed your sketchbook shut.

But despite you liking him so much, you could never show him your sketchbook. EVER.

"(Y/N)?"

"It's not that good!" you cried. "I don't want you seeing it!"

"Huh? But–"

And in a blink of an eye, you were gone, leaving Kaoru stranded all alone in the gardens.

This same situation has happened countless of other times too. Whenever you'd see Kaoru appear from the hedges, you'd immediately hide your sketchbook on your lap. When you weren't in the gardens, but on the school's rooftop, and Kaoru was there helping out with the school's laundry, you'd hide your sketchbook behind your back. Even when he would visit you in the art department with Rei, your sketchbook was just no where to be found!

"She just doesn't want you looking," said Koga after Kaoru had finished telling the rest of UNDEAD his observation. "I wouldn't want you looking either."

Adonis agreed. "It's her personal sketchbook. She probably has stuff she just doesn't want to show you."

"I suppose..." Kaoru sighed. "But I would like to know what she's drawing..."

It wasn't as if you didn't show any of your drawings to Kaoru. You were happy to show him the pieces you were working on in class. Not only did he think you were beautiful, but the things you drew were beautiful too.

However, the way you presented yourself in class and the way you presented yourself outside in the gardens were completely different. He noticed how confident and poised you were whenever you're painting in class. You were focused, the brush between your fingers as you painted the canvas with delicacy. You were graceful with your strokes, careful with your movements. He loved watching you like this, and he loved it even more when you'd catch his eye from outside your classroom as you smiled at him.

But as he watched you smiling to yourself in the gardens, scribbling into your sketchbook with your face resting on your palm, he couldn't help but love you even more. You were truly content, giggling to yourself as you scribbled away. There was no need for you to act poised here, so you were able to be yourself, draw the things that you wanted to draw. Kaoru could see that clearly. He could see how the gardens' colours complimented your warmness, so he always wondered what things you were drawing that made you so happy like that.

The next day, he found you in the gardens again, as he always would. He could tell you had taken a break from drawing because you were now lost in thought, your hands cupping your cheeks as you stared at the sky.

“Haha, cute,” he muttered to himself.

He approached you slowly so he wouldn’t make a noise. You really were deep in thought because you hadn’t noticed him until he cupped his hands over your eyes.

“Guess who!”

You screamed, but once you knew it was Kaoru, you started to laugh.

"Oh, it's Rei, right?" you joked.

Kaoru chuckled, but a part of him didn't like your response. Was he jealous over you guessing wrong? You weren't even guessing properly and he knew of it, but it still annoyed him.

"Of course, it's you, Kaoru," you said as if you were reading his mind.

He had let you go at this point. You looked up at him with the brightest smile that he has ever seen you pull, but as he was looking down at you, he caught a glimpse at your opened sketchbook. You noticed this too, but this time, he was quicker than you.

He snatched your sketchbook from the table and began flipping through it.

“Kaoru, no!!!” you pleaded, gripping his blazer in order to stop him.

He wouldn't stop though. Eyes glued on the pages, he flipped through every single page of your sketchbook that you swore to yourself not to show anybody ESPECIALLY Kaoru.

The first few pages of your sketchbook were what he expected: drawings and sketches of the gardens. As usual, he thought they were beautiful. He could tell how much you loved this garden, and the feelings you have put into your drawings.

However, as he continued to flip the pages, his eyes widened.

"(Y/N), I..." he began, but trailed off.

Because what he was seeing in the next pages were no longer sketches of still life, but sketches of him. There were so many of them, ones of which were of him smiling and laughing, others of him looking confused or into the distance. There were even sketches of where he was preforming in his UNDEAD uniform.

When did you have time to draw these? He was with you most of the time, wasn't he? Does that mean that when he wasn't looking, you'd quickly sketch him?

By the time he reached the last page, his face was a deep shade of red.

"I didn't... expect that," he finally said.

You covered your eyes with your hands, head down on the table in complete embarrassment. All you wanted to do right now was to disappear off the planet. On the other hand, Kaoru couldn't stop smiling. He had to cup his hand over his mouth to stop himself.

“(Y/N), I didn’t know you felt that way about me,” he said shyly.

He always thought that his crush was one-sided, that you were just treating him like a friend. So now that he knew that the things you were drawing in the gardens that made you so happy were him, he couldn't contain his happiness.

He bent down a bit and clasped your shoulder, stroking it reassuringly. "(Y/N), please look at me." He spoke with such gentleness to you that you couldn't refuse his plea.

You lifted your head off the table and slowly looked at him. Your face was hot, cheeks glazed with tears.

"(Y/N)?! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry!" he exclaimed, feeling regretful of his actions.

"It's just... so embarrassing..." you sniffled. "I didn't want you finding out like this...!"

"Hey, hey," he said soothingly. "Please don't cry... it's okay... I love your drawings. You drew me so beautifully. I'm... actually really happy about it."

You could tell. Even when your vision was blurry due to the tears, you could tell how happy he was due to his big, radiant smile he had on his face. It made you want to cry even more.

You really did like him.

"I always wondered what you were drawing that you didn't want to show me," he began. "But to find out that it was me, I... I just can't help but love you even more than I ever have. (Y/N), you don't understand how much I adore you."

As he poured out his feelings for you, you couldn't help but cry even more. He wiped away your tears, bringing you into his embrace. You hesitated, but hugged him back, finding comfort in his big body.

Once you've calmed down, you looked at him again with a smile. He cupped your cheek which made you chuckle.

"I like you so much, Kaoru," you stated. "But I'm sure you already know that now. Am I... still allowed to draw you?"

"I will let you draw me as much as you like, just... don't run away from me, okay?" he replied with a soft laugh.

You nodded, taking his hand in yours.

"I promise not to do that anymore~"

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songhunter · 8 months

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trans allegory in mystic fragrance and forbidden rain

aka: the essay no one asked for

Content warnings for: Discussions of homophobia and transphobia, and brief mentions of suicide.

If you guys have any other comments on this topic (especially KnightsPs, I'm an UNDEADP so I'm less familiar with their lore) please comment or rb or drop an ask or anything! I love talking. It's also been a hot minute (3 or 4 years) since I last took an English class so my analysis is a little rusty.

Part 1: UNDEAD's "Monster" and Queerness

Every UNDEAD song (with one exception) has the same premise — the singers are the impure, immoral monsters who are singing to a pure, human audience. There are two genres of UNDEAD song:

“I’m a monster seducing you into the darkness, give into your desires because I know that secretly you want it too” — Immoral World, Savage Love Affair, etc.

“I’m a monster and I’m so badass” — Darkness 4, Nightless World, etc.

Darkness 4 lyrics, translation by Shirayukin on Fandom wiki.

The “monster” in UNDEAD’s music is shorthand for anyone that exists outside of a pure society. By joining the monsters, you become tainted and can't return to society, but that’s the only way you can possibly live as your authentic self. In this way, the "darkness" is a safe space that these monsters have created for themselves.

This is, of course, a reference to Rei and how he feels ostracized from society -- the whole reason why Koga began UNDEAD was as a message to Rei that if Rei felt like a monster, he shouldn't roll over and die, but live with them as an undead. However, the concept of the queer monster is incredibly applicable imo. Historically, lots of villains in horror media were queer-coded as a way of eliciting disgust or a fear response, as a way of making its villain seem strange and, well, queer. (Oh, no! Look at all these horrible people ruining life for the law-abiding families!) The link between queerness and horror has been analyzed to death.

But queer people also love the misunderstood monster who's shunned by "proper" society. The gothic novels that originated the horror genre in the 1800s, like Dracula or the Picture of Dorian Grey, were written by queer authors and/or contained scores of queer themes. Do I need to go into why werewolves, shapeshifters who had to go deep into the woods to hide their wolf form, can be read as queer? Do I need to go into why Frankenstein, someone abandoned by his own creator and shunned by society by the nature of his existence alone (something out of his control), can be read as queer? Do I really need to go into why the modern-day vampire is queer? Vampires? Of course queer people will love these monsters, because they see themselves in the monsters, more so than the victims. (Also, nothing more in line with the queer experience than seeing a monster and going “ngl they're kinda hot actually.”)

In summary: It's very easy to read UNDEAD songs and UNDEAD's conceptualization of the "monster" through a queer lens. The monster is queer, and the monster welcomes you into the darkness and invites you to also give into your desire to live freely.

Immoral World lyrics, translation by Mandy on Fandom wiki.

Also, shout out the love you tried to hide, huh? Show me your truth? Show me your pride?

Dude.

Sidenote: The one exception to this “monster” theme is of course the elephant in the room, Sustain Memories. I think it plays well into UNDEAD’s image — at least in !-era, Rei, Adonis, and Koga have always been the monsters, while Kaoru is the human that joined them (see: their Halloween costumes in !-era). So Kaoru doesn’t sing of monsters, he sings of a human love. There's also something to be said about Kaoru being the one member of UNDEAD who tried so desperately to appear cishet and experience a "normal" love in !-era. But also, it's a wedding song because the anime boys look cute when they sing about weddings.

Part 2: What about Forbidden Rain?

Here's the thing about UNDEAD's other monster songs -- they're always proud of being monsters. They're not ashamed, and they want the audience to join them in their freedom.

Forbidden Rain lyrics, translation by @/snaketaper on Twitter.

On the other hand, the singer in Forbidden Rain sees themselves as a "beast" who can never be forgiven, someone who's slowly poisoning their pure lover. They love them so much that they apparently have to let go of them, for their own sake. It's the first song that actually contains references to genuine love (usually UNDEAD is just horny).

The song remains sort of ambiguous about the nature of the relationship between the singer and the audience. It's clear that the audience does actually care for the singer, since they do reach out a "gentle hand" that the singer can't take. But the singer says, "Let's end this thing that never even began" -- are they even together in the first place? Maybe it never began because they were scared of the "beast." Or maybe it never truly began because the relationship was built on a lie. They sing about a beast inside them that they have to hide, and says that their current self -- the one they show to the audience -- is a fake. And this is something that cannot be forgiven.

It's not hard to read this in the context of queerness. Maybe it's about a gay singer who doesn't want to reveal their feelings and tarnish a platonic relationship. Or maybe it's a trans singer who's wracked with guilt at keeping their identity under wraps and hasn't come out to their heterosexual lover, so they want to break off things before they come out and taint their previous relationship.

In Love & Beast, the "source material" behind Forbidden Rain, Inogari (Adonis' character) is soft-spoken, protective, and kind. He saves the main police character in the very first scene. He's an ambassador and a respected enough member of society that he's part of the Sakurayama (Rei's character) social club. He uses "watashi," which is even more polite than Adonis' "ore." He literally faints at the sight of blood. He's the picture of innocence and goodness and all that society approves of. But in a Jekyll and Hyde-like twist, he ends up secretly being the killer Beast. In the end, the Beast is finally caught when Inogari realizes the truth and chains himself to a wall so he can be caught by the police in an act of sacrifice.

Inogari is the picture of propriety, but he keeps the Beast repressed, and eventually this Beast destroys him. Even if you try your best to act as part of proper society, you'll never really fit in.

Silent Oath lyrics, translation by royalquintet on Fandom wiki.

Another note: Forbidden Rain has a lot of the same themes of self-sacrifice, repression, and pure, romantic love that Knights songs do. Knights, in game, is a much more traditional idol unit than UNDEAD is. Forbidden Rain thus attempts to align itself more closely with the socially acceptable Knights, but it's still an UNDEAD song at its core. The monster is inescapable.

Part 3: Mystic Fragrance and Trans Allegory

This thread by @/pretty5P on twitter (https://x.com/pretty5p/status/1625958198623539200?s=46&t=lm_x5Uw5f8pKXHUoLzYksw) is a really cool analysis on the perfume symbolism in the song and how it relates to Arashi's gender identity (go read it!!), but if you don’t want to give Elon Musk ad revenue, the gist of it is this: Odette is her "masculine" initial impression, the impression others have of her, and the impression that fades most quickly. Odile is her lasting "feminine" self and the true self that remains when the top notes fade away.

Over the course of the song, the singer (Odette/Odile) grows more and more tainted, going from a pure white dress to a multicolored rainbow dress to a pitch black dress. The final perfume note is desire, the desire to live as themselves, the desire to be with the person they love.

Mystic Fragrance lyrics, translation by KYM2020 on Fandom wiki.

While the song does focus on a pure romantic love, just like Knight's songs, the symbolism of wanting to be Odile is far more similar to UNDEAD's monster. The idea of a "hidden desire" lying in wait beneath pure feelings is explored in almost every song, as is the symbolism of a dress that gets tainted by desire:

Savage Love Affair lyrics, translation by Nina on Fandom wiki.

And just like UNDEAD songs, the "tainting" of the pure is never presented as a bad thing. Note the references to the moon in both -- it's only in the dead of night, in a midnight ballroom, that one can "spread their wings" and reveal their true self. The darkness, the space of monsters, is a safe space, and in the light of the truth-seeking moon the singer of Mystic Fragrance says that their audience is beautiful.

In the original Swan Lake ballet, Odette is a beautiful woman who falls in love with Prince Siegfried. She's cursed to transform into a swan in the daytime, a curse that can only be broken if someone who has never sworn their love to anyone swears their love to her (in other words, someone untainted). Unfortunately, the evil sorcerer who cursed her turns his daughter into Odile, the black swan who looks identical to Odette, and Siegfried mistakenly confesses his love to her. Knowing that the curse can never be broken, Odette throws herself into the lake rather than live the rest of her life as a swan, and Siegfried joins her.

Mystic Fragrance isn't tragic, however.

Part 4: Living your truth

The endings of Forbidden Rain and Mystic Fragrance are where they differ. Both of their source endings are tragic — Inogari is unable to control the Beast and shackles himself to a wall, waiting to be arrested. Odette and Siegfried leap into a lake and drown themselves, because the only way they can be together is in death. Forbidden Rain ends with the singer holding their loved one close to them one last time in the rain before they leave.

But Arashi rejects her source material because she chooses to embrace the monster. She becomes Odile. She decides to live her truth, and as the top notes and heart notes fade away, all that lingers is her true self. That's why Mystic Fragrance has a happy ending.

There's a lot of symbolism in the Mystic Fragrance music video with respect to the person who loved Arashi during the war era and who killed themselves. She spreads her arms like the wings of an angel and sings in front of a setpiece that looks like the cenotaph. Her outfit contains anemones, symbols of a lost love and grief (and, coincidentally, the flower that Adonis in greek myth turned into when he died). Her greatest regret was that that person couldn't love themselves the way Arashi now tries to love herself. In this way, Mystic Fragrance is like a message to that person -- live your truth.

#adonis otogari #arashi narukami #enstars undead #enstars knights #adoara #enstars analysis #this one is a doozy #i wrote 90% of this in a sleep deprived haze at 3 am and then filled in the blanks in the morning #anyway if you have any thoughts please tell me!! send an ask or leave a comment or send a message via carrier pigeon #my stuff

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