#epidose iv | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hellagram · 5 years

Text

i really wish we could start over. where i didn’t involve you into my life so adamantly. and much less pretend like my life trials were more entertaining than yours or smthn. i wish we could start over and forget the millions of diary entries and full blown psychotic epidoses coming 99.99% from me.

i wish, i really really wish i had never gone through any of my past and live tweet it with you. because i really dragged you into my shit deep and i’m so so sorry for that. i don’t have an explanation other than i didn’t feel real and i didn’t understand the impact of my words or actions.

and

i think your ability to take it all in and sometimes respond with the same negative, desensitized energy i gave you made me feel real in some way. not alone in many other ways.

but i 100% understand why you’d never want to look back at that….

i wish i could start over and pretend none of that ever happened so that i could look you in the eyes and say hello. how’s it going? do you have a sec? i think i need some company

but i was and will continue to be too self centered to get a clue. and i guess bombarding you with violence and posturing was my way of calling out for help. how sick of me… i regret every single bit, every single word, every single sentence i typed during those periods of my life. i regret it so so much it hurts. :(

and i promise not to speak for you, ever. but i know both of us enough to know that you hate me. or at the very least resent so much of the stuff i continually put you through.

and i am continually surprised by how understanding you have been towards me, and i have no idea if it’s out of love, shame, pity, or sweat that you continue to put up with me and my seemingly vacant friendship.

i’m so sorry it took me so long to understand that you are a real human being with your own emotions and thoughts not my own. and i know that you’ll never forgive me for the harm i have caused you because there will never be enough words to fully apologize for all that shit.

but i have a hope in my heart that we can maybe start over if you want to.

i just… i have no clue how to do that. with more music? more words? questions about your past? all of that runs the risk of letting my mind run amuck and destroy the embers of our friendship. not to mention that you have very little trust in me and would rather keep yourself and your life at a distance so all i feel like we can safely do is drink, paint, go to shows, and do stuff that doesn’t involve much talking.

and i see you trying your best but i think you’re right. i really fucked up our friendship early on and set the tone for the next 7 years and i don’t think either of us is able to fully let go of all of that.

and maybe that’s why i ask you to hurt me, maybe that’s why i let your moments of anger and fury slide. because i feel like i 110% deserve it. but that’s not healthy either. so i’m really at a loss of words. and i’m struggling to find a solution to all of this and whether it’s even worth trying :(( because ultimately i don’t think i can be the person you’d like me to be. and i can’t better myself as quickly as you’d like me to. i need help obviously but it’ll take lots of time and effort that i guess i’m not willing to commit right now, or should i say that i’m terrified of reliving my past again in a tiny room with a stranger. but i understand that you can’t help me, you’re just a friend. a very very good friend and a wonderful human being. and i guess i expected you to tell me to fuck off by now or maybe that night was your way of telling me to fuck off. idk but the point is that i believe you deserve space from me while i work out my personal shit.

and i’ve been reading this post for days trying to find a way not to sound so self centered but ive taken a lot of space in this friendship and i guess i feel a lot of guilt and regret. it feels like the solution to the issue of you feeling shitty every time we hangout is for us not to hangout as much.

lastly, i do care and love you but i know i’m not great at showing it, maybe you can tell me how i can be a better friend to you because i’m stupid and need to read instruction manuals, even for friendships.

i’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. in all honesty, i got tired of crying every time i worked on this so i put it down for a while. but the tl;dr version is that

i feel like you’ve been pushing me away more and more as time goes on, which i have understood is your way of detoxing this friendship but it’s also left me feeling abandoned and hurt which translates to anger and frustration whenever i’m around you. i have no idea how to love you as a friend anymore and my attempts to get to know the new you have become awkward and exhausted because i get the sense that you don’t trust me and even fear me. i recognize that i’m very mentally sick and dragged you down into my hole for a while, which you resent me for and i sincerely apologize for that. and i guess what i’m saying is that i don’t think you are communicating how you really feel about me and our friendship because you fear that you’ll hurt me.

but i realllllly think that if you would like us to have a more genuine friendship again as much as i do, that we both have to talk it out fr. (or beat me up pls, i’ll help) even if it is just for closure, because i’m tired, Donna. and i know you are too.

0 notes