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my-moony-and-padfoot · 1 month

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I'm not mad at you

TW: Mentions of suicide (it is the topic, but there's nothing too graphic) So that being said, this topic is very sensitive (like most of my writing stuff you shouldn't be surprised if you've been here before) Anyway, please, if you get triggered easily do not read this, or at least be careful

Word count: 2 900

“Jamey?” Remus asked shakily, coming to stand next to James' bed, who was currently the only one beside him in their dorm. “I-i think I need help.”

“What's up, moony?” He asked, sitting up on his bed, immediately getting worried as he looked at Remus. He was shaking all over, skin pale and eyes wide, then he glanced at his hands, seeing blood. “There's blood. Remus, why's there blood?” James asked before he could answer.

“I- um. Don't feel well.” He said, closing his eyes, trying to get rid of the spinning in his head, though it did nothing to help the way he was swaying on his feet. Soon he felt James' hands on his shoulders, he opened his eyes, trying to focus on James' worried gaze.

“Okay, c'mon sit down, I don't want you to pass out.” He said, guiding Remus to sit down on his bed. James bit his lip, looking over Remus, when his eyes landed on his arms, he was starting to panic, the sleeves of his jumper were stained with blood. “What's going on, re?”

“Sirius is mad at me.” He said unhelpfully, looking at James as if it was the most obvious thing.

“That's not-.” He started but stopped himself mid-sentence, knowing that wouldn't help with anything. “I know he is. But did something happen today? Or now?” Remus shook his head, closing his eyes again. “Okay, okay. Can I take a little look at your arms? You're bleeding.”

Remus didn't answer, but James did it anyway, he needed to know why there was blood. He gently pulled up the sleeve of Remus' jumper on his left arm. He couldn't exactly see where all the blood was coming from, it looked like there were many cuts. He had never liked blood, and it made him a little uneasy, but he kept looking, he needed to know. He turned Remus' hand over, there was even more blood dripping from around his wrist, but he couldn't see the wound, not clearly at least.

James was definitely starting to panic now. He quickly checked his other arm, there wasn't nearly as much blood but still some. “Hey, rem, how 'bout we go see Poppy quickly? I think she'll be able to help you, yeah?”

“No, no.” Remus whispered, shaking his head. “Please James n-no.”

“It's good for you, yeah? I'll go quickly grab something, and then we're going.” He said, getting up from the floor, he went to the bathroom, seeing a blade on the floor but ignored it for now and just grabbed a roll of bandages. He quickly wrapped it around the biggest wound on his left hand, hoping it would help at least a little.

“C'mon Remus, please? Let's go.” He said, and Remus looked up at him, his eyes looked hazy and unfocused, making James even more worried. He took Remus' hands into his and pulled him up from the bed, leading him into the hospital wing, even though he was very much against it.

He knocked onto the locked door, hoping madam Pomfrey wouldn't already be sleeping, since it was already late. It didn't take long until the door opened and madam Pomfrey peeked into the corridor, first looking at James and then her eyes landed on Remus, taking in his appearance. He was swaying just slightly, he looked very pale, and then she saw the blood stained bandages.

“What's going on, Mr Potter?” She asked as he let them in, gesturing onto the nearby bed where Remus could sit in.

“I-i don't know. He didn't say. There was so much blood and I thought this was better than um...”

“Well you made the right decision.” She said, quickly glancing at him. “Go take a seat in the corridor, please.” James nodded, though he didn't want to leave Remus alone, but he knew he couldn't stay, he couldn't just say no to madam Pomfrey, so he slipped out of the door, closing it behind him.

“What happened, Remus?” She asked gently, trying to look him in the eyes, but his eyes were very unfocused as he stared at a spot on the floor. She started to pull up Remus' sleeves to see where the blood was coming from. Remus just shook his head.

“I'm going to quickly clean these up and close them.” She explained, taking out her wand, starting to apply the spells she had just told him about. “Then, I'm going to put some bandages on to keep them clean, and I'd like you to stay here for a bit, just to make sure everything is okay.”

Remus didn't answer, but didn't fight back about her treating him, or doing the spells that she knew would hurt at least somewhat. But she kept talking to him, knowing from the countless times she had treated him after full moons that he liked to know what was going on. That he didn't like if he didn't know what was done to him. “You've lost some blood, dear, you must feel dizzy, no? But I have this potion that'll help with it, then it'll be good that you get some rest.” Pomfrey said, finishing up bandaging his arms.

She summoned the small vial of potion. “Now just a warning, this tastes horrible, but it'll make you feel better, think you can take this?” Remus looked up, blinking a few times before nodding, and she nodded, handing him the vial. His hands were shaking slightly as he brought it up to his lips, swallowing the horrible tasting liquid. “Alright, I'm going to give you something to help you sleep. I'll come check up on you a little later.”

Remus nodded slightly, accepting the next thing she gave to him. “Just a small sip is enough.” She instructed, and he did as he was told, handing the bottle back to her. Remus laid down, and Pomfrey pulled the blanket over him before getting up and going to the hall.

She sat down on the bench next to James, who looked up at her with teary eyes. “He's okay, Mr. Potter.” James nodded quickly, wiping his eyes. “Do you know any reason for this? Has anything happened lately, has he been acting differently?”

“No, I don't think so. He said nothing happened when I asked. I-i mean he and Sirius were fighting, even he said that, but- but they always are so I don't know why he did that.” He said, trying to think if something had been different. “He doesn't talk, I don't know.”

“That's okay, don't worry.” She said with a small smile. “Could you talk me through what happened before you came here?”

“Of course, yeah.” he said, running a hand through his hair and fixing his glasses on his nose. “He came from the bathroom and asked for help and I asked him why there's blood, and he just said he didn't feel well.” James tried to explain. “I asked him if something happened, but he just said that Sirius is mad at him and that nothing happened. He tried to fight me on coming here, but I was scared he'd pass out -”

“You did good. Go and try to get some sleep, Mr. Potter.” James nodded, looking at her. “If something comes up, please come see me. And, if you see Mr. Black, ask him to come by in the morning.”

“Okay.”

…

“Good morning, Remus.” She smiled, pulling a chair next to his bed. “How are you feeling?”

“M’tired.”

“That's to be expected, any pains?” Remus shook his head. “That's good, but like before, no need to hide the pain for me. Just tell me and I'll give you medicine.” She reminded, like she did every time after a full moon. “Now, can you tell me what happened?” He looked away, shaking his head. “Okay.” She said with a nod. “Your friend was very worried about you last night, do you remember?”

“He always panics.” Remus said quietly. “No matter what it is.”

Poppy smiled slightly. “Do you want to talk with me?” Remus shook his head. “That's okay. I'll check back in later, but is there anyone you want to see or talk to?” He shook his head again, biting his lip. “A house elf will bring you breakfast soon.” she said, starting to get up.

“Y-you mean I don't get to go?”

“No, I'm sorry about that, but I'd like to keep you here for at least for a little while.” Remus nodded slightly, watching as she got up from her chair, and into her office.

He quickly wiped his eyes, turning to lay on his side and curling up to himself. He felt tired and weird, he wasn't even sure what the feeling was. He felt guilty too, and his arms were burning horribly against the bandages. He fell asleep after a while, ignoring when madam Pomfrey tried to wake him up to eat breakfast. The next time, he woke up to someone opening the curtains around his bed, and the legs of the chair scraping against the floor.

He slowly opened his eyes, seeing James sitting in the chair he had heard. “Hi rem.” He smiled slightly. “Poppy said you're not up for talking, but she also said you're gonna be here a while, so I brought you a book.” James rambled, handing the book to Remus.

“Thank you.” He whispered, setting the book down onto the bedside table. “Why are you here?”

“I brought you the book.” He said simply. “She asked to see Sirius, so I thought to pop to see you and bring you the book.” he said as Remus just continued looking at him, knowing there was another reason for him to be here.

“Why does she want to see Sirius?”

“I don't know, rem.” he said. “She didn't say, just asked me to ask him to come by, last night.”

“Oh.” He looked away from James, closing his eyes for a moment. “What did he say? To you.”

“Nothing, just followed me. I think he was worried.” Remus shook his head. “He still cares about you, y'know. He- he did say he'd like to see you, but then he said that you probably don't want that.”

“Okay.” he whispered. “Can you go, please?”

“Mm yeah, of course. I'll come tomorrow, okay? I can bring you something if you'd like.”

“It's fine.” James nodded, getting up from his chair. “James?” He whispered before he could leave, and James turned to look at him. “Wanna see him.” he whispered even more quietly, James nodded with a smile.

When James left, he picked up the book, just to see what it actually was, of course he had brought the most boring one out of the books he owned. He laid down on his side, wanting to sleep, but he couldn't find himself to fall asleep again. So, he just laid there listening to the faint conversation he could hear in Pomfrey’s office, the voices sounded familiar, but he wasn't exactly sure how he knew them. Then that died down too, and after a moment the curtains opened again.

Remus looked over his shoulder, seeing Sirius, he sat up, blinking a few times. “M’sorry, I-i can go but um James -”

“No, no, don't go, please.” He said quickly and Sirius smiled, closing the curtain before sitting down onto the chair that was still pulled up to the bed. “Why- why are you here?”

“Poppy asked.” He said, pulling one of his knees up to the chair, wrapping his arms around it, resting his chin on it. “She asked if anything had changed lately in your life, if anything had happened, if me or James noticed anything.” Remus nodded. “She said she's going to talk to Minnie as well, probably lily too and Pete, but I'm not sure.”

“What did you say?”

“I told her the truth, Rem.” He said. “I told her what happened, that we fought and haven't talked and that- Nevermind. What happened, Remus? I was so fucking worried when James came back crying, and then I saw what our bathroom looked like. I was so worried, and I couldn't even come to see you cause-”

“Sorry.” He whispered, his voice cracking. “It was just too much. I didn't mean for this to happen. I was- I'm so sorry.”

“No, hey, don't say sorry.” Sirius hesitantly got up from his chair, sitting down onto the bed. “It's okay Re, I understand. I do. You don't have to explain yourself, not to me, okay? Never ever, you know that rem.” Remus looked up, and it hurt to see him like that, eyes filled with unshed tears and so much pain.

“I- thought.” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Why're you not mad at me? Why- you were. Why aren't-”

“What?” His voice was filled with genuine surprise as he looked at Remus. “Why would I ever be mad at you, hey Remus, no look at me? Shh, don't cry, please no. Love, I'm not mad at you, never. Why would I, huh?”

“Love?”

“Shit, sorry. No, not sorry. I mean it, of course I do, just not supposed to now, used to it y'know…” He smiled for a moment. “Anyway, Remus, it's okay. Don't have to explain yourself, and I'll never ever be mad at you for something like this.”

“But before -”

“I know. And I'm so sorry for that, I shouldn't have, not to you. It's been shit, and I've tried to think how to make it up, I really have.” Remus nodded. “I shouldn't have acted like that.”

“It's okay.”

“No, Re. It's not.”

“Can't think.” He mumbled after a moment. “My head's all hazy. Can we, um, talk later?”

“Of course.” He moved to get up, but Remus grabbed his wrist before he could.

“Sorry -” he whispered, letting go of his hand. “Can you stay?”

“Do you want me to?” Remus nodded. Sirius smiled, sitting back down, shifting so he was sitting across from him on the bed. “Have you eaten?” He asked, glancing at the tray on the bedside table.

“M'not hungry.” he whispered, shaking his head. “Don't… I don't want to.”

“I won't, don't worry.”

Remus nodded. “Could- Can you come here?” He asked, nervous as he looked at Sirius, who just smiled, moving so he'd be sitting next to him on the bed. “Thank you.” He whispered, leaning his head onto his shoulder and letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

“Don’t have to thank me.” Sirius whispered, wrapping his arm around him, hoping to make it better somehow. He took Remus' hand into his, seeing a small smile flash on his face at the gesture.

“I'm so sorry.”

Sirius shook his head. “No, don't say sorry, Rem.” He sniffled sadly, tears threatening to fall. “You can cry if you need to. I'm here.”

“I've missed you.”

“I missed you too. So much.” He whispered, starting to run his hand through Remus' hair, gently playing with the dirty blond curls. “I'm sorry for everything that happened.” He spoke into his hair, feeling the need to say it, he needed Remus to know that he was sorry, that he regretted everything. He wanted everything to be okay.

“I'm sorry too.” He turned to look at Sirius who smiled sadly, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, then moved to wipe away the tears that were trailing down his cheeks. “I'm so sorry, Sirius.”

“Shh, it's okay.” he whispered softly. “We're okay. We'll be okay”

“You promise?”

“I promise, Rem.” Remus only nodded, giving him a small but genuine smile. “Let's talk later?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I kiss you?” He asked cautiously, eyes searching for Remus'. He hummed, looking at Sirius for a moment, closing the distance between them, smiling as Sirius rested his forehead on his when they pulled away. “You should try to get some rest.”

“I'm not tired.” He whispered, laying his head down onto Sirius' chest. “I can't sleep.”

“Okay.” He whispered. “I can read to you? Don't have to sleep, I just thought…”

“Please.”

He nodded, rubbing his side as he reached for the book. “This is what James picked? What the hell is wrong with him?” Remus laughed, and Sirius smiled, kissing his head before he started reading. Remus ended up falling asleep, but Sirius continued reading knowing it calmed him down, and he found it easier to sleep with background noise, it also usually made him stay asleep.

He only stopped reading when the curtain around the bed was opened, it was madam pomfrey, he lowered the book looking at her. “You should leave, Mr. Black. Visiting hours are over.” She said, but smiled as she looked at the pair.

“Please Poppy?” He asked, rubbing Remus' side as he stirred, curling up in an attempt to stay asleep. Pomfrey looked at him, raising her eyebrow, and Sirius blushed slightly. “Sorry, madam Pomfrey. Can I please stay? Only an hour or two.”

“Only this time, Sirius.” She smiled. “I’m glad you two made up.” Sirius nodded, smiling slightly at her. “I’ll be back later, then you really do have to go.”

“Okay.”

Pomfrey left again, making the tray of food disappear from the bedside table as she went, closing the curtain behind herself. Sirius picked up the book again, continuing to read, smiling at the way Remus huffed in his sleep, hiding his face more into his chest, falling back to sleep.

A/N:

Hi :)

Did we like this? I hope we did because I really enjoyed writing this

I am supposed to be studying for my exams right now, but instead I finished this, what a good reason to procrastinate, right?

I would really like to write more of this, but my head is empty, so if you, yes you, would have anything to suggest you can just message me or something? Please, I'm asking nicely

Also, if there is anything else I should tag, please tell me, I do not mind, I wanna know

Anyway, hopefully you're doing well, if you aren't, I hope it gets better soon. See you around somewhere maybe?

<33