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upismediacenter · 2 months

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LITERARY: Even If

Hazel can pretty much hear Astrid thinking.

They’re all curled up on the couch as The Empire Strikes Back plays on the TV. Usually by now, Astrid would be going off on Hazel about how wrong she is for thinking that Return of the Jedi is better than what according to Astrid is ‘one of the best sequels in cinema history along with Shrek 2.’ And yet there she is, head resting on Hazel’s chest, cuddled up with their cat Mr. Wobbles, as her mind is clearly racing and buzzing with thought while, on the screen, Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off and finds out Darth Vader is his father.

When Mr. Wobbles jumps out of their grasp, Hazel lifts her free hand to hold Astrid’s, fingers now intertwined. “Love,” she murmurs, ducking to look down at her girlfriend. “What are you thinking about?”

Astrid freezes. Eyes going wide, visibly thinking of what else to answer instead of what’s been actually bothering her, before swallowing nervously. “Who, me?” She asks, voice a bit higher than usual. “Not a thing.”

Hazel raises a brow and unlocks their hands to grab the remote and pause the movie. “Darling,” she says softly. “Something seems to be bothering you, do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s nothing.” She moves to rest her head on Hazel’s arm once again, but Hazel brings her hand up to cup her jaw, worry now spread across her face as she looks her over. “Really, H, I swear I’m–”

“We don’t have to. But you know that whatever it is, you can always talk to me right?”

Astrid smiles softly at her while fumbling with her own hands. “I know,” she breathes, trying to comfortably rest her head against Hazel’s shoulder and leaning up to press a kiss on her cheek, hoping she’ll change the subject and forget about it. “Trust me. It’s nothing.”

“You swear it’s nothing?”

“Mhm.” Astrid answers mindlessly, trying to put on a convincing smile.

Hazel gawks at her girlfriend. A narrowed and targeted gaze, wordlessly daring her into a sudden staring contest. Within a minute, Astrid blinks, a little teary-eyed, before rolling her eyes in defeat. “I can’t believe you’re going to make me ask this,” she mutters and lets out a big sigh. She tries to hide her face on her girlfriend’s neck as though embarrassed. “Okay, but you can't laugh.”

“I would never.”

Astrid pulls away with a pout and glares.

“I promise I won’t,” Hazel clarifies. She swallows as she feels her worry transpiring and tries to sit up, but Astrid presses a hand to her abdomen, keeping her where he is. “Oh believe me, this isn’t a sitting up conversation.”

“Alright,” Hazel replies, sounding unconvinced.

Astrid stares at her for a long moment. “Baby,” she says, faintly. “So I saw this thing online earlier tonight, and I cannot for the life of me get it out of my head.”

Hazel carefully examines her girlfriend, as if trying to read her mind.

“Are you going to ask me if we could get a cat again?” Astrid has been advocating on getting a sibling for Mr. Wobbles, feeling he may be lonely whenever they're away. However, Hazel, acknowledging their busy work schedules, hesitates as much as she would also love to see more furballs laying around the house and fulfill their dream of becoming crazy old cat ladies together.

Astrid’s face suddenly lights up hearing the newly brought up topic, “Would you have said yes?”

“No.” Astrid answers sternly and playfully rolls her eyes.

“Fine. It was worth a shot.”

“Now c’mon, spill it and tell me what’s actually going on in that pretty little head of yours.”

“Just– you have to answer in all seriousness,” Astrid says, twisting and sitting up just a bit further to look Hazel in the eye. “Because it might seem silly, but it’s actually like, kinda getting in my head, and I just need to know your answer. But also no pressure!”

Hazel nods. “Ask away.”

Astrid takes a deep breath and relaxes her shoulders. Her lips roll inwards, like she’s not quite sure how to get the words out, and then she’s glancing up from beneath her eyelashes, meeting Hazel’s gaze, and asking, “Would you still love me if I was a worm?”

The worry buried in Hazel’s gut came jumping out the window after a few seconds once the question registered to her. She blinks, the word ‘worm’ rattling about in her mind. She pauses, opening her lips then closing it again, unsure on how to react. “Pardon?”

“If I was a worm,” Astrid repeats, as if the question would make more sense if she asks the second time around, “Would you still love me?”

Look, there have been a thousand different questions Astrid has asked her in the middle of the night. From the most in depth things, like where they see themselves in 10 years, to things that are too random, like when she ran up to her in their room wondering if she should dye her hair red or if she should get her nose pierced to look ‘cool’. Hazel is no stranger to Astrid’s thoughts. As a matter of fact, she’s come to treasure them as much as any other, when she gets a glimpse of Astrid’s mind and helps ease her thoughts. Because, and she can’t say this enough, she bloody loves her girlfriend. However… There are times like this that still never fail to surprise Hazel. She didn’t know it was possible, but because of it, she can’t help but love her even more.

“Where is this coming from?”

Astrid sits up as she shakes her head, eyes desperately looking for an answer. “You’re not answering the question,” she huffs. “Would you still love me if I was a worm? Yes or no?”

“That’s what got you so distracted today? Whether or not I’d love you if you were a worm?” Hazel asks confusedly, yet some warmth is still evident in her tone.

“Hey, you said you wouldn’t laugh.”

“I’m not,” Hazel replies, trying to stop the small grin on her face.

Hazel continues, “Set me the scene though, have you just always been a worm or did you somehow turn into a worm overnight? Or did you mean that we live in some alternate universe where all humans are just worms?”

Astrid looks at her for a moment and steadily sits up. “Huh,” she says as she lifts her legs up and tucks them beneath herself. “Okay, um… Well, let’s say I’ve always been a worm.”

“And I’m the same person as I am now in this situation?”

“Yes,” Astrid says slowly. “But you like bugs!” She adds quickly, trying to get her girlfriend to gravitate towards the answer she’s looking for.

“Is a worm even a bug?”

Her brows creased in contemplation. “I don’t know, I think so?” She says. “Eh, that doesn’t matter. The point is; I’m a worm, have always been a worm, will always be a worm. You see me worming it out in the garden because our cat is trying to eat me alive or something. Would you be my knight in shining armor, save me from the petrifying Mr. Wobbles and fall madly in love with me?”

Hazel wrinkles her nose. “Worming it out?”

“Seriously? Out of everything I said?”

“My darling,” Hazel says, gently tugging on a coil of Astrid’s hair and pushing it behind her ear. “I adore you.”

Astrid’s mouth falls open. “The answer is no, isn’t it?” Hazel tries to avoid her gaze, and she gasps overdramatically. “Oh my God, it is! And you were trying to let me down slowly?”

“If you were always a worm–”

“But I explicitly added that you like bugs in this universe!”

“Now hold on, let’s think this through… Love, worms can’t speak. They simply ‘worm it out’ and eat dirt. They’re incapable of responding to human love. And I don’t think you realize that we probably wouldn’t even understand each other and all that. It’s not like I speak worm or that we can assume that worm Astrid knows English.”

Astrid lets out a laugh and shakes her head, realizing the ridiculousness of the conversation as it’s being said out loud and bites on her lower lip. “Hm,” she hesitates. “Would you at least keep me as a pet?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Hazel says with a smile. “I’d have a whole ecosystem set up for you and I'd make sure you were kept as far away from Mr. Wobbles as possible.” She slips her hands on Astrid’s, squeezing them with such care and comfort. “Even in an unearthly universe where you’re a worm, I’ll adore you all the same.” She can’t believe these words have left her mouth, but Astrid seems appeased by it. The secret little joy in her eyes is enough to make Hazel’s heart feel warm and fuzzy and somehow forget the silliness of the conversation.

Astrid grins, shuffling on the couch. “Okay,” she says. “Now, what about, if I had magically, overnight, been turned into a worm? Like, you wake up tomorrow, and beside you there’s just a worm there.”

Hazel lays back and pretends to think about it. She knows her answer is obviously yes. But she also knows Astrid’s brain is in overdrive thinking through all the logistics, and she knows she’s got questions. So she can't believe she's fallen into this trap, because now she's genuinely wondering if she'd still love Astrid as a worm.

No deep brown eyes to fall asleep gazing into. No forehead kisses, no smiles and snuggles under the blankets. No warm curls for her fingers to play in. No comforting smell of coffee in the morning even though she only ever drinks tea. No text messages at work ensuring she had lunch by exactly twelve o’clock in the afternoon. No meow conversations between her and Mr. Wobbles when she gets home from work. No one to gossip to about literally anything. No one to drag her out of her comfort zone, trying to make her explore new things for her to become a braver person. No random singing in the house especially when they cook or clean. No loud laughter erupting through every inch and corner of their home after saying a joke that wasn’t even that funny and yet it doesn’t matter because it brings out the best sound in the world. Even her voice, so alive and passionate, rambling about everything she loves, simply gone. No more Astrid to do everything with.

She watches Astrid from beneath her lashes, those thoughts make her eyes swell up a bit. “Can’t I also be a worm?” She asks, finally.

“What?”

“If you were a worm, and I weren't, I’d find my life lacking in all that matters. Is this a situation in which you would ultimately be transformed back into a person, and I’m simply expected to keep you safe, loved, and comfortable for some time, in which case I would definitely guard you with my life, or is this a circumstance in which you’ll remain as a worm? Because if it's the latter, I'd definitely prefer to just be a worm too.”

Astrid’s lower lip juts out. “You’d become a worm to be with me if I were a worm?”

“Love,” Hazel says, soft and serious as she sits back up. She reaches out and takes Astrid’s hand in her own. “If it meant I’d get to be with you, there’s just about nothing I wouldn’t do.”

They stare at each other for a few beats, before Astrid is cooing, and moving to lay against her again. She slips to the side, and tucks her head into the crook of Hazel’s neck, nosing at the skin of her throat. Hazel can feel the smile curving against her collarbone. “I love you,” Astrid breathes into the skin.

Hazel smiles, bringing her arms up to wrap around her. “You’re aware that you’re absolutely ludicrous though, right?”

Astrid hums into her skin, nuzzling in closer. Her lashes brush against the delicate skin of her jaw as they flutter shut. “You love me,” she murmurs.

“I do. I do love you.”

Her cheeks rise with a smile. “Even if I were a worm.”

She already sounds half asleep.

“Yes, Astrid,” Hazel concedes, her lips curving in a fond little smile, “Even if you were a bloody worm.”

Astrid lets out a content sigh. “Knew it,” she mumbles. “Suck it, internet! I have the best girlfriend in the world.”

Hazel chuckles to herself.

She notices Astrid’s breaths evening out, then eventually going on and on about how Princess Leia deserved better as she’s seen piloting the Millenium Falcon along with Chewbacca, The Empire Strikes Back playing once again on their TV. This is the woman she loves. Worm or no worm, she knows they’ll find each other someway. She’s glad that in this universe, she gets to be with her. She finds she’s happy she’s here all the same.

#MC2024 #redaManCy #Literary #English #eternal flame

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