I was wondering if you would write an evan buckley x reader. Where they argue about having kids because buck wants kids now but the reader wants to wait
A/N: thank you for requesting lovely! sorry you had to wait so long, hope you enjoy!
pairing: evan buckley x reader
warnings: yelling, cursing, bit of toxic buck, mentions of throwing up, mentions of pregnancy
“hey, buck, i think i’m gonna call in today. i’m not feeling well,” i called to my boyfriend.
“why, what’s wrong? you think you have a cold or something?” he asked as he came into the room, walking over to me and pressing the back of his hand against my forehead, “you don’t feel warm to me.”
“i’ve been feeling nauseous since like 3 in the morning,” i said.
“what if you’re pregnant?” he asked.
“god, i hope not,” i joked, causing him to furrow his eyebrows. i furrowed mine as well, “what?”
“why not?” he asked.
“i’m not ready for a baby.”
“do i really need a reason?” i asked, past fears rising in my brain.
“i’m just curious,” he said, “i mean, you know i want babies with you.”
“yeah, i know, i do too. i’m just not ready right now,” i said, “let’s talk about this later, you're gonna be late for work.”
“no, i got some time,” buck said, sitting on the bed in front of me.
“where is this coming from? we’ve never even talked about having children before,” i said, reaching for the water on the bedside table.
“well, i kind of think it’s time to start. we’ve been together for 5 years, y/n.”
“wow, really? i had no clue,” i gasped, causing him to purse his lips, “i’m just joking around, lighten up.”
“i’m serious. i want to start thinking about having a baby.”
“buck, i already told you that i am not ready to have a child.”
“but i think we should, it would teach us-’”
“buck, i’m not having a baby right now. i just need some time to-”
“time for what, y/n? how much more time do you need?” he asked, raising his voice.
“why are you acting like we’re 80 years old? we still have time.”
“i don’t want to wait anymore.”
“i’m not arguing with you about this. i told you, i want to have a baby with you, just not now.”
“whatever. i’ll call you when i’m on my way home,” he said before storming out of the bedroom.
no goodbye, no ‘i love you,’ nothing. i rolled my eyes and grabbed my phone, quickly dialing my boss’s number. after letting her know i wouldn’t be in today, i got cozy under the sheets.
i don’t remember falling asleep, but when i woke up, the sun was at it’s highest point in the sky and shining right in my face. i groaned and sat up, rubbing the fatigue out of my eyes.
after staring at the wall for a good 5 minutes, i finally decided to get out of bed and make myself something to eat.
i went downstairs to the kitchen, in search of something that would satisfy me, yet not make me sick. i found a can of chicken noodle soup in the cupboard and figured it would do.
after heating the soup up and transferring it from a pot to a bowl, i made my way over to the living room to get comfortable on the couch... only to have to run to the bathroom just seconds later.
i dropped to my knees as vomit fell from my mouth into the toilet. after i was done puking my guts out, i groaned and sat on the floor. my brain began to run wild as i thought about what buck said earlier.
what if i’m pregnant?
i mean, duh, we have sex, but we use condoms. even though condoms aren’t 100% effective. oh my god. i rose to my feet and flushed the toilet, then made my way upstairs to brush my teeth for the 5th time today. after that, i grabbed a hoodie, slipped it over my head and made my way back down the stairs and out the front door.
after peeing on not 1, not 2, but 3 sticks, i discovered that i am in fact pregnant. i didn’t realize that i had started to cry until i noticed multiple tear drops falling onto the coffee table.
i quickly wiped my face and stood up when i heard the front door open. jeez, i was sitting on that couch questioning my life decisions for quite a while longer than i thought i was.
“hi,” i spoke, my voice cracking. buck looked up at me and furrowed his eyebrows.
“hi. are you crying?” he asked. i crossed my arms over my chest and shrugged, nodding over to the coffee table.
“you got your wish,” i said. this left an even more confused look on his face as he made his way over to the three positive pregnancy tests.
after picking one up, he looked over at me, all of the confusion written on his face before was gone.
“i really don’t need you to tell me how great this is right now, i just-” my voice started to crack again as more tears began to spill out of my eyes.
he quickly stepped toward me and shocked me by wrapping his arms around me. i just stood still as he held me while i cried.
“i’m scared,” i sobbed, ragged breaths escaping my mouth. he pulled away and led me to the couch, sitting us down.
“you don’t have to be scared. i shouldn’t have put that type of pressure on you. you don’t have to do this,” he said, running his thumb across my knuckles.
“but you want a baby, and i should be able to take care of your needs,” i said, tears still sliding down my cheeks. he shook his head slightly as he wiped my face.
“you are my biggest necessity in life. you’re a person, not just a child bearer. if you want to wait, then we’ll wait,” he said. i basically felt my body go limp as i leaned into his chest, wrapping my arms around him.
“i love you, okay? i’m sorry for being an asshole earlier,” he said rubbing my back. my breathing started to slow as i leaned my head against his shoulder.
“i need to tell you something,” i said, pulling away from him slowly.
i took a deep breath before starting, knowing that this topic of conversation strikes a nerve for me.
“you know how i’ve never really talked about my mom? how i didn’t give you any explanation as to how she died?” i asked. he nodded his head, holding my hand in between two of his, “well, this is how. she died when she gave birth to me. i grew up without a mother... because of me.”
“i already know that you’re gonna tell me that it wasn’t my fault. realistically, i know that it wasn’t. but, there’s still a part of me that feels like it was. if that.. if i died while giving birth to my child, i would never want them to feel the way i did growing up. that is why i’m scared. that is why i want to wait. but, the thing with waiting is that every day that i don’t have a baby is a day in which what happened to my mom grows more likely to happen to me.”
buck stayed silent. i could tell that he was trying to find the right words to say, but for every word he didn’t speak was a thought in my head that was telling me i sounded insane.
“you’re not crazy,” he said, as if he was a mind reader, “everything you just said makes total sense, but... y/n you’re not your mom. you’re the strongest person i know, and i’ll wait forever if i have to. if you never want children, i will still love you.”
“but i do, buck. that’s why i’m so conflicted. i want to experience the joy of having a baby, but it would be selfish of me if i had a child and died during the process. i would give them a lifetime of pain for my 5 minutes of pleasure.”
“you’re not selfish. the fact that you even think like that proves that you’re the exact opposite,” he said. i shook my head and looked down at my hands, “hey, look at me,” he said, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look into his eyes, “you and i are gonna grow old together, whether or not we have children. if you want to have this baby, you need to believe it. we’re gonna be old and wrinkly and our kid is gonna visit us in our huge house 70 years from now.”
“i don’t want to get wrinkly,” i sniffled, causing him to laugh, “but i do want this baby.”
“are you 100% sure? this isn’t because of what i said earlier?” he asked. i shook my head no.
“i love you, and i’m going to love this baby,” i said, looking down at my stomach.
“then, we’re having a baby,” he said, causing me to smile and nod.
“we’re having a baby!”
8 months and 27 days later y/n gave birth to an unnamed baby girl. when asked by the hospital staff what y/n and buck would be calling her, buck came up with an idea.
“elena,” he said, causing y/n’s jaw to drop.
“my mom’s name,” she muttered as tears begin to well up in her eyes.
“elena madeline buckley.”
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Don’t call me, Evan
Trigger warning: implied childhood sexual abuse
All secrets are deep,
All secrets become dark.
That’s in the nature of secrets.
Writer, Cory Doctorow
The youngest member of the station had felt off all week, like the ground way swaying under him. It had made him irritable and brought long-buried feelings and experiences back to him. As he steps into the house that belongs to Athena and Bobby, he can hear the conversation about going to church for the coming Easter weekend. Joining the adults, he makes his way into the kitchen.
When Buck doesn’t join in the conversation, Bobby involves Buck directly by asking him a question. “Just about everyone else is joining. Are you coming as well?”
“No” Buck answers much too quickly. “After everything I’ve been through. God is either a dick or not real”
“Buck I know been through a lot this past year but he never asks for more than we can handle” Bobby tells in a soft tone while placing a hand on his shoulder.
All the young man can do is stare at it and watch the flashbacks fade in and out, his brain can see both that man’s hand and Bobby’s and finding it really hard to tell which one is real. At last he bites out “Then your god asks way too much of twelve-year-old boys.” he pulls Bobby’s hand off of him and walks quickly to where the children are playing video games. Buck’s statement causes everyone to look over at Maddie for answers but she shrugs her shoulders.
It's the shift after the service most of the firefam had attended and now they were sat eating dinner with Maddie and Athena. The conversation had polite chat, catching each other up on their jobs for the day. The familial atmosphere changed when Athena brought up a new topic.
“So you know that man, I was talking to,” Athena starts. “He set up a community centre in a small town called Ridge Lake…”
Before Athena can continue Maddie buts and adds “That’s where we grow up, you wouldn’t believe Buck, it was Travis Miller.” For Buck that’s way to close, he ran away from that town and him, that off feeling he had been having all week has finally come to a head. It feels like someone has thrown a bucket of cold water over him. “He was like Buck’s mentor as a kid,” she tells the team before turning her head to her brother “You should go see him and thank him, I gave your number to him.”
Everyone waits for Buck’s reply but he never gives one instead he just bites his lips, willing any sliver of emotion down.
Hen speaks with the confusion the rest of the team is having “You’ve never mentioned him before.”
Trying to sound nonchalant Buck starts to speak “it didn’t come up.”
Athena, slightly annoyed at being interrupted, huffs and starts to speak again “he wants to set up one here but he needs donors. So I’ve agreed to help him set up his presentation but we need others. It’s Wednesday, I know the kids are on break, he’s fine with them coming.”
Everyone agrees to help out, Buck wanted nothing more than to say no but now he knows the children are going to be there, he has to say he’ll help too, to make that they stay safe. “I’ll help too” he manages to get out his voice, cracking.
Buck can see Travis’ hand on Christopher’s shoulder and his blood runs hot in his veins. He marches over one purpose in mind. Taking two steps at a time. When he’s finally at the two, he wrenches Travis’ hand off the shoulder it’s resting on and slams him into the nearest wall. “Don’t fucking touch him! Or anyone else. Why don’t you just leave, no one wants you here” Buck whispered harshly still holding the older man up against.
Taking a soft placating tone, that had a bite only Buck could hear the older man replied: “Now, Evan I know we’ve had our disagreements but that’s hardly reason for you to attack me”. He says his statement loud enough, so the attention in the room is silenced and brought them. “Think of the impression you’re giving your friends and their children. Your sister even” With that Buck turned his head around, seeing the looks of confusion of the adults and the fear in Christopher’s eyes at his outburst that seemed to come from nowhere.
He let go of the man and ran away to the small room jutting of the hall with his eyes trained on the floor. When he was finally in the room alone with the door close, he sets himself against and just chokes out sobs for a few minutes before hearing a knock on the door. “Boy!” Athena chortles in her usual, you’re in trouble voice that in this moment is somehow comforting. “You need to explain what the hell that was. Let me in.” Before doing her command he squares himself; clenching his jaw, standing to his full height and wiping the tears away with the back of his hand.
He lets her in the room, before stepping as far away from her as much as the four walls would allow. Buck can see that that action, has made an impression on Athena with her raised eyebrows which she quickly hides. “Travis Miller” she states, looking Buck straight in the face.
“What?” He replies, his face etched in confusion. “He’s here?”
“Travis Miller. He runs a community centre that helped you as a kid and is trying to set one up here.” She states again but the tone, more commanding this time while she stares at his face, he feels like he’s back in the bank heist interrogation. For a second Buck wonders if she figured it out but he watches her eyes wander over him for answers.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Buck asks, while trying to make his face impassive and make some distance between him and that man. He knows it’s a futile effort after his display but he has to try.
“He’s the one who helped you get records expunged,” Buck inches his head up from looking at the floor and just regards her with a dirty defiance, which falters her for a half a second. He knows it’s because it's a look you’d never see on his face or could imagine. “And he’s here now” she replies quickly trying to get the answer out of him.
“How do you know that? I told you to stay out of my business” he shouts slamming his hand on the table.
“We’ve been in the hall for two hours and you’ve haven’t spoken to once. Then out of nowhere, you attack him.” She tells him unfazed by the slamming of his hand against the wall and him moving closer. Buck can feel the heaviness of her eyes roaming over him, looking for any cracks in his brittle armour, so he stills himself.
“So, what?” He shouts even louder this time, trying to get that distance from everyone.
“Why don’t you want to talk to the man who made you being here possible?” She asks completely calm, only wanting an answer so she can understand.
Athena demeanour was in direct opposition to Buck who threw one of the spare chairs across the small room. “Damn you, Athena. It’s none of your damn business.”
“He says that what happened between you two is your fault,” Athena says trying to persuade him, to give her answers.
“I’m warning you, Athena,” He tells her with more poison than a scorpion while shaking his head “back off!”
As he spits out the final letter the door flies open, and Bobby, Eddie and Chimney are there staring at him in anger and disbelief. “We heard shouting and stuff being thrown,” Bobby says while checking over Athena, making sure she isn’t hurt. Which only convinces Buck that they can never know, they wouldn’t ever trust him again.
Choking down the bubbling cries in his throat, Buck speaks “I’m going to go home”
Even though it didn’t need an answer Bobby gives one infused with a striking bite “I think that would be best”
It’s five hours later and Buck is still sitting in his bathroom; where he had been since he got home, he had a panic attack in it and hadn’t felt well enough to leave. At his moment the bathroom was the safest place in his studio because that was the only room that had a lock on the door. The only place where he felt safe in his whole home. The safety of the room was interrupted by knocking, he had ignored for the better part of five minutes. It had only continued, but this time it was accompanied by Bobby’s voice. “Buck, I know you’re in there. Answer the door.” He was told by his surrogate father figure. All Buck wanted to do was pretend that he wasn’t home, but he knew couldn’t Bobby would just come back later so on shaky feet he made his way to the door. Before it was fully open Bobby walked inside and sat down, waiting for Buck to join him.
“What you did earlier was not okay!” Bobby told Buck who nodded his head agreeing. But then the older man continued speaking. “You're a different person than who were as a kid and the person who joined the station.”
Buck moved further back on the sofa, turned his head to the side and Bobby could see the defensiveness take hold of Buck’s features. “Are you trying to say something to me?”
“Only if you’re hiding something, you need to trust us” Bobby back-pedalled, speaking softly. “Trust us enough, to tell us about it”
But Buck's defensiveness was comfortable where it was “Bobby. It’s not about trust.” As he took in a deep breath to start to speak again, the stronghold of defence had been replaced by a desperate need to be believed. “It’s about having a little privacy. I got the right to keep something to myself.” Buck told him while pointing at himself during ‘his right’ and slamming his hand on the coffee table at the end of his sentence. “Look at us, man, we practically live together already” Buck moving back as he started putting even more distance between the two men, escaping any comfort Bobby was trying to give. The thought of being touched by anyone right now wanted to make him vomit.
Buck can see Bobby thinking before he speaks. Then he finally opens his mouth, “c’mon we’re going to miss dinner.”
Buck voice comes out like a sacred child looking for approval “I’m still allowed to come?”
“You’re still family. It’s family dinner” Bobby answers with how you would speak to a toddler. Under his breath, the older man continues on “maybe we’ll get something out of you.”
As he stepped into the house, Buck saw Travis sitting at the table drinking a glass of wine. The minute his brain makes the connection, he turns round on his feet to leave but Bobby blocks the door. “No, Evan. Whatever happened between you two, you need sort it out. He obviously cares about you, after everything he’s told me about you, I don’t think I could be as nice.”
“Don’t call me Evan!” Buck spits from a clenched jaw, trying to get through Bobby again.
“Look just stay with him alone for twenty minutes after that if you still want to leave you can” Bobby tells him, Buck eventually nods blinking tears away.
Bobby joins the others in the living room and asks “Do you know what happened?” to Maddie.
Maddie just her head and speaks with disbelief “He should be Buck’s hero. Travis practically raised him after our father died, took him on trips, mentored him, they spent all their free time together”
That when all clicks for Athena, her brain finding the final piece of the puzzle it had been doing in the background for the better part of two weeks. “We should have never left them alone. I think I know what he’s afraid of” She tells everyone, but the strange angry panic in her voice worries Bobby. The older couple share a look, Bobby eyes widened and shakes his head. They let a second pass, letting the new information wash over them before running to the two men, followed by the confused others.
They are just out of sight of the two, when everyone freezes on the spot at Buck hissing out “Travis.” It’s a sound so foreign coming from Buck.
“They won’t let you leave?”, the man replies in a casual uninterested tone.
“You already know” Buck answers getting more angry.
“I told them that you allow your emotions to control you” Travis begins to taunt his face curling into something barbaric “like a child. But they already know that.”
“Really because Bobby said you were saying good things about me.” Buck counters trying to spit venom and muster up any confidence.
“You’re good at football, is that meant to be secret?” He asks again unfazed by the man… no the boy
“No, that wasn’t” Buck answers after a second, turning his away to lose eye contact.
“I don’t follow”, Travis continues his tone moving back to casual.
“ All these years. I kept my mouth shut. I let you go on being the hero Travis Miller my mentor” Buck shouts with anger and confidence finally make itself known coupled with conviction. It’s Athena who unfreezes first but something tells her not to move just yet.
“What are you talking about?” The older man asked but this time slightly vexed.
“God, I was so afraid of you. I was afraid of the police, afraid of losing everything I was gaining. But that’s how you work isn’t it. You make sure there’s a hell of a lot to lose, don’t you?” Buck asks angrily through the silent tears. Bobby and Hen unfreeze together, she looks over at him for confirmation. Her answer in a sad soft nod, both of them go to step out but stopped by Athena who just shakes her head.
“I don’t know what you think you remember” Travis replies vexed but trying to remain casual.
“It’s not about what I remember. You sent videos to me of my own abuse” Buck shouts again, wiping the tears away. At that everyone else unfreezes, a blazing fury burning in all of them, but slightly brighter in Maddie and Eddie. Athena stops them before they interrupt telling them he needs this confrontation.
“Now, you’re just talking crazy.” Travis tries gaslighting half heartedly, knowing that he’s got himself in a situation he can’t get out of.
“God, I should have told somebody when I was a kid! When you were helping me. Well, you know what happens in cases like this; once the dam breaks, the flood comes. One person steps up, then another and another. Because we’re not scared of you any more, we know we’re not alone.You’re your own dam.” Buck his voice filled with sobs and cracks but he also holding his head up high with authority.
“Whatever lies your making up.” Travis shouted back.
“They are not lies, you did it to me. You did it to me and filmed it” Buck counters, leaving no room for excuses.
“I did nothing to you or any other kid” Travis tries again but faltering, he has nothing to fall back on.
“One by one, they are going to pile up until there’s so many accusations- you can’t say they’re all lies.” Buck tells him enjoying the fear that he felt on Travis’ face
“ Do you have any idea how many kids I’ve helped get out of our town? Hm?” How many lives I’ve provided.” Travis asks slamming his hand on his chest. At that Bobby can see Buck’s body start to shake violently with sobs. “Look at you. You’d probably be addicted to drugs or dead by now”, the older man says with disgust.
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t for free, was it?” Buck chokes out.
“I pulled you out of the gutter”, Travis tells him a look of betrayal in his eyes.
“I pulled myself out of the gutter, all the way to the LAFD!” Buck shouts back, with even more conviction, this man doesn’t get to claim he the reason for anything good he himself has done.“I did that!”
“You saying I had nothing to do with making who are?” Travis asks, spit flying out of his mouth.
“No, Travis. Actually I’m saying you have everything to do with making me who I am” Buck speaks calmer than earlier.“Because of you, I get to spend the rest of my life actually helping people”
“Look Evan, I never hurt you.” Travis tell Buck trying to hurt the younger man much as possible.“You could have said no.” Buck lets out laugh that is dry and humourless that quickly turns into more crying.
At that Athena steps into the room with her phone to her ear, “Dispatch, I need….”
Her voice is hidden by Travis shouting “I’ve helped a lot of kids.”
“Shut up, you’re lucky I’m not beating the shit out of you.” Eddie tells the man, anger dripping from every word while he and the others use cable ties to attach him to the chair.
“The community centres are needed, it’ll be worse without them.” He tells them, anyone who will listen trying to convince them to let him go.
“Somebody’ll keep them running. The emergency services will. Athena will.” Buck states back.
As he is turning to move to the other room, he hears “Wait. Wait. Evan… isn’t there something you can do for me?”
“You can go to hell” Buck tells him without looking back
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