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#even tho i have my own to figure out still!!
wheeboo · 3 days
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mine | joshua hong
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SYNOPSIS. in which joshua is the best thing that's ever been... yours. PAIRING. joshua hong x gn!reader (ft. cheol, jeonghan, soonyoung, mingyu, chan - they don't rlly have dialogue tho lol) GENRE. fluff, some angst, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, established relationship WARNINGS. a very very brief shirtless joshua moment LMAO, implications of reader having a toxic ex, mentions that reader's parents have a rocky relationship and separate, kissing, terms of endearment, reader and joshua have a lil argument WORD COUNT. 3.6k
requested from @staranghae: joshua + mine by taylor swift for the 2k followers event please 🩷🎀
notes: i am fluent in this song!!!! whenever my love playlist comes on and this plays i literally scream lungs out!!! and shua fits this vibe so much <3
join the 2k celebration!
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ONE. "i was a flight risk, with a fear of falling / wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts..."
Maybe you've always underestimated how the feeling of fresh air hitting your lungs makes you feel so replenished, free, like a single whiff blows away those gusts of worry in an instant.
Your fingers carry a tight, secure grip on Seungcheol's surfboard𑁋you volunteered to carry it for him so he could unload the other things from the van𑁋soft sand meeting your toes the second you step onto the beach for the first time of the summer season. Salty air tingles at your nose, the late afternoon sun baring down on your shoulders, and the expanse of the ocean opens up right before your eyes.
This place had basically watched you grow up. It carries a lot of memories that you hold dear to your heart.
You see Soonyoung already digging into the sand with an abnormally large stick, and Mingyu carrying a bunch of firewood in his arms before dropping them down onto the ground (and accidentally one on his foot, but you won't say anything about that).
However, your eyes drift and land on a figure running up from the beach shore. His dark hair is wet and sticking to his forehead, chest and arms revealed in all its glory before quickly covered up by a white, somewhat lacy button-down shirt that still doesn't do much in concealing the muscles underneath. For a moment, you nearly loose the grip on Seungcheol's surfboard.
Joshua Hong seems to spot you from even a mile away. He's running up to you before you even have the minute to breathe, a grin splitting his face that's as warm as the setting sun. Sand clings to his damp flip-flops and the hem of his black shorts as he nearly skids to a halt in front of you, chest heaving and out of breath. His shirt isn't even buttoned, dammit.
"Hey," he greets you breathlessly, letting his eyes take you in for a second. "Glad you could make it."
A soft smile of your own blooms on your face. "It's good to see you too, asshole."
A flicker of feigned hurt plays across Joshua's features. "Come on. That was so two years ago! I didn't want to push you in the water. You should know that by now."
"Wow, you care so much about me, don't you?" You nearly swing Seungcheol's surfboard playfully in his direction. "You listen to Jeonghan more than your own little brain."
"I swear, it's changed. Everything's changed since then," Joshua reasons lightly. "You have my ears for the entire night, I promise."
His words hang in the air for a moment, and there's perhaps a sliver of fondness in his eyes that you catch when your gazes meet. You feel a certain warmth spread through your chest that you try so hard to ignore each time he's around you.
You brush it off with a roll of your eyes before strolling past him, hoping that Seungcheol's surfboard was enough to cover up the slight flush creeping up your cheeks. The smile to your face still lingers as you walk towards to where Soonyoung and Mingyu are, whom dash up to you the moment they see you to engulf you in a welcoming hug.
Mingyu is almost done setting up the bonfire by the time you and Seungcheol bring all the food and supplies from the van. Jeonghan and Chan had arrived by the time the fire is lit up and crackling, casting a warm, inviting glow on the beach scene. And it isn't long when the yearly traditions of a group bonfire and beachside barbecue commence.
The smell of grilled food fills the air, mixing with the salty breeze and the crackle of the fire. And just for those moments, you forget these fuzzy feelings swirling around you as familiar laughter and camaraderie take over instead.
You've known all of your friends for different amounts of times, but being here with all of them makes it feel like time hasn't passed by at all. Inside jokes are exchanged, memories from as far as childhood resurface, and stories are told that leave you all doubled over with laughter (and Soonyoung nearly choking on a marshmallow).
It's almost natural in the way your eyes seem to search for Joshua's every single time that feeling of happiness threatens to overflow within you. The fire flickers upon his face, his eyes crinkled deeply when he smiles. Happiness looks good on him, you think. It always has.
...does his eyes search for yours too?
By the time the fire dies down, you find yourself sitting near the edge of the beach, with your legs stretched on the sand and the waves barely lapping against your feet. Seungcheol and Mingyu are already out on the ocean on their surfboards, then there's Chan and Soonyoung struggling to get their sandcastle to stay up, and Jeonghan is already knocked out on a beach towel. It's just you, and wherever the hell Joshua is.
"Something's bothering you, isn't it?"
The voice snaps you away from your thoughts, and you pick your head up to see Joshua walking up to you. A cool breeze flows through his strands of his hair as he approaches.
You blink at him. "What?"
He sits down beside you on the sand, close enough that the warmth of his body brushes against yours. "You were too quiet earlier."
You face back towards the water, cowering your head down as if guilty of some sorts.
"Oh," You murmur, somewhat to yourself. "Sorry."
"Sorry for what?" Joshua asks, nudging you lightly on the shoulder. "I told you earlier that I would be all ears for you."
You smile faintly at that. Would you still be all ears if I told you that I've been such a coward with my feelings for you?
"It's... just boy problems, I guess," You respond, though you feel a twinge of regret for wording it like that. It's more than just simply boy problems.
Joshua's jaw seems to tighten at that. "Did that jerk contact you again?"
You know who exactly he's talking about, and you let out a sigh. "No, not him. I... I blocked him a few months ago when he tried spam calling me again. Sort of gave me a good scare, to be honest."
At the corner of your eye, Joshua's hand digs aimlessly into the sand, clenching and unclenching a fistful before smoothing it out again.
"I'm glad you're okay," he says softly, gaze fixed on the grains of sand slipping through his fingers. "You deserve someone way better than him."
You chuckle at that, and a bittersweet pang shoots through your chest. It's true, you deserve better. But really, the problem isn't just jerks and bad relationships. It's the thought of falling for someone again and it all comes crashing down... again.
But it's not like you could hold back from falling when you've already fallen. The truth is undeniable at this point𑁋your heart already beats a little faster for the boy right next to you.
"Guys! Look at the sunset!" Chan's voice rings out into the cool, evening air, pointing an excited finger towards the horizon.
Simultaneously, you and Joshua bring your eyes up tot the sky together. The last rays of the sun are painting the sky in a breathtaking display of fiery oranges, pinks, and purples, like a fleeting masterpiece before nightfall takes hold.
"Wow," You mutter out in awe. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"
Joshua cocks his head to the side, a low hum leaving his lips. "Hmm, I could think of something more beautiful than that, honestly."
You scoff, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. "You ruined the sentimental moment, idiot."
Joshua lets out an amused laugh, a sound that sends those flutters blossoming in your stomach, one you haven't realised you've missed until this very moment. A small giggle of your own escapes your mouth as you bring your eyes back to the sunset together.
Then a low yawn stifles out of you. Maybe everything that has happened the past few hours are finally catching up to you. You let out another yawn, hoping Joshua doesn't notice. But of course, he does.
"Getting tired?" he asks you.
You give a small nod. "Just a little."
A few moment pass, before you feel an arm drape casually over your shoulders. The scent of Joshua and his warmth seeps within your bones. You almost want to protest, but the words get caught in your throat, and you lean your head on his shoulder, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest with each breath.
Perhaps you could spend a long time staying in this position and hope the silence is able to spill all the words you've been meaning to say for all this time, but you know it's easier said than done. Because what's the point of confessing anymore if you know it won't ever last? That you know it'll ruin everything you've built up to get this far?
You've seen it happen around you𑁋with you, your parents, hell even strangers online. It's taught you nothing but to run. That's what your mind tells you to do, but not your heart. And maybe you listen to your mind more often than not.
"Yo, Josh!" Mingyu's voice hollers out from the ocean, and you feel a certain pressure be lifted up from your head (when did he lay his head on yours?) as you catch the sight of Seungcheol and Mingyu motioning to their surfboards. "Wanna hop on?"
Joshua briefly glances down at you, and you meet his gaze, seeing the indecision in his features.
"I don't mind," You tell him. "I'll be fine here."
He hesitates. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, don't worry about me." You pick your head off from his shoulders. "Go have your boy-fun."
Joshua gives you a small smile, though there's a hint of reluctance in his expression. He shouts back to Mingyu and Seungcheol before standing up and brushing the sand off his shorts. You could hardly pull your eyes away from him as he does so.
He starts trotting away as you face back toward the ocean with a sigh, relinquishing the moments you get to have to gather up your thoughts.
"Hey, Y/N?"
You pick your eyes back up to Joshua marching back towards you. He stops in front of you, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips.
"You look beautiful today, by the way." Then he gives shoots you a wink before turning back around. "Just wanted you to know."
The kiss you leave to his cheek later on was really worth the risk.
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TWO. "you learn my secrets and you figure out why i'm guarded / you say we'll never make my parents' mistakes..."
A picture frame of a four-year-old Joshua is staring back at you. He still has that same silly grin on his face, the one that has his own eyes smiling as well and makes your heart feel lighter every time you look at it. You reach out to touch the frame, tracing the outline of his little face with your fingertip.
Sometimes, you wish you could experience what he was like at this time𑁋to grow up with him, to know what exactly led him to meeting you. But then again, he's already here with you now, and maybe that's all that matters.
"All ready for bed?" Joshua's voice popping in makes you swiftly place back the picture frame back on his desk. You turn around to see him leaning against the doorway with a soft smile playing on his lips, clad with a simple white t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants.
"Mhm," You hum out in response as you settle back under the covers of his bed.
It isn't the first night you've spent with him at his place, but you seem to seek the feeling of his comfort more often than sleeping in your own bed. Jeonghan has been kind of nagging you the two of you to move in together at this point, but that's a leap you're a bit hesitant to jump right now. But the drawer of your own clothes in his wardrobe is a bit of an argument that's hard to defend.
Joshua crawls his way into the spot right next to you, slipping under the duvet and wrapping an arm around your waist to pull you more into his embrace. You feel his breath meet the nape of your neck, warm and soothing against your skin, and your eyes flutter to the feeling.
You shift your position so that you're facing him. His eyes are already closed, lips pursed up slightly, and even then he still looks absolutely stunning. But you know he isn't asleep. Not yet, at least.
"My parents had uh... another argument today," You confess lowly, hesitantly.
Joshua's eyes open up slightly, adjusting his head so he can look at you better. A faint crease of concern appears between his brows, the arm around you tightening imperceptibly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
You bite at your bottom lip anxiously. There are times you feel as if the only thing that could get you talking is always something revolving your parents, and you wonder if Joshua ever gets tired hearing about all of it. The thought courses insecurity to crawl in your veins, tightening your throat.
But Joshua's patient gaze towards you cuts through the uncertainty bubbling in your chest.
"Just same old, same old, you know?" You attempt to explain. "It just feels like they can't see eye-to-eye anymore. There's like... I don't know... nothing left between them, I guess. And it scares me that... it'll happen to us."
The last sentence suspends thickly into the air. Even then, you know it's more than the truth𑁋you've grown up witnessing and overhearing arguments from your parents that laid down this pessimistic view on the world around you.
You could feel your heart racing from all the anticipation. There's a wave of emotions that washes over Joshua's face, then he takes a deep breath and squeezes you tighter in his hold.
"Hey," he mutters. "Look at me."
You hesitantly meet his eyes.
"We're not like them, okay?" he assures you simply, bringing his hand up to cup your face oh-so gently in his hold. "We may argue sometimes. But the difference is, we communicate. We listen to each other. And we may not have all the answers to everything, but we'll figure it out together, alright?"
You swear you can feel the way he's holding your face also on your heart, like he's protecting you in a way from any doubts that might creep in. A small sigh escapes you, the tension leaving your shoulders as his words wrap around you comfortingly. The faintest, appreciative curve appears to your lips as you feel Joshua's thumb brush against your cheek.
He dreamily smiles at you as well, despite his face being half-buried in the pillow. And the thought of being able to wake up to this sight every single day suddenly feels a lot less like a leap and a whole lot more like a promise.
Somehow, the gap between the two of you disappears as your lips meets his. He kisses you so tenderly, mouth moving against yours with a delicate urgency, and the tiny sound that leaves you brings that smirk you could feel forming on his face.
You feel almost dizzy when you pull away, nothing but a shy look gracing over your features.
"Feeling better?" Joshua asks softly, brushing a stray strand of hair away from your face.
You could only gaze at him, wondering to yourself how he's even in real, how someone like him could exist with his sleepy smile, messy hair, and perfect features carved by the angels above, yet cherish you so dearly.
"Can you..." Your eyes flicker from eyes to his lips. "Can you... keep kissing me?"
It feels really silly to ask that, however Joshua just chuckles, the sound rumbling from deep within his chest as he peers at you with nothing but adoration.
"Of course," he replies, leaning back in. "Whatever you want."
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THREE. "braced myself for the goodbye, 'cause that's all I've ever known / then you took me by surprise / you said, 'I'll never leave you alone...'"
The tears streaming down your face burns through the concrete below like acid.
"Y/N, wait𑁋"
"I told you that I-I can't do this right now."
The leaves crunching at your feet echo in your ears as you walk away from Joshua, each step feeling heavier than the last. It's around two in the morning or something, and you can't remember the last time you felt this lost and broken ever since your parents' separation. It's like the ground beneath you has crumbled away, leaving you suspended in midair, grasping for something𑁋just anything𑁋to hold onto.
You've been here before, standing at the edge of this cliff of vulnerability. It's easier to leave before you get left, easier to build walls than to let someone in only to watch them walk away.
But you've come to understand that Joshua isn't one to give up easily. He catches up to you quickly, his hand gently grasping your arm to stop you in your tracks. You try to shrug him off, but his grip only tightens slightly as he turns you around to face him.
"Talk to me," he pleads insistently, and the subtle tremble to his voice has your chest clenching. "If you're just going to keep pushing me away, then𑁋"
"Then leave." The words leave you before you can stop them, fueled by the ache in your chest and the fear in your heart. "You don't have to stay with me when all I-I do is push you away. Don't you think you deserve someone better?"
Joshua's grip on your arm loosens at your words, but it doesn't fall. His eyes scan over your tear-stained face, the quiver to your lips, and all of it has you bracing yourself for the inevitable, final blow𑁋for him to turn and walk away like so many others before him.
But instead, he just steps closer to you.
"This isn't about me staying because I have to, Y/N," he explains. "It's about me wanting to stay because I love you. I knew what I was getting into the second I realised I was falling for you. So no, I'm not going to leave you. And I'll never leave you alone because I know you're worth fighting for."
Your breath catches in your throat, his words piercing through you like a bullet straight through the heart. Even Joshua appears out of breath himself, as if he's poured his own heart out to you in those few simple sentences. The silence stretches between the two of you.
With a quiet sigh and a faint smile, he lets the tension simmer down by trailing his eyes over you.
"When I look at you, I think... I think I fall in love with you all over again like the first time I saw you," Joshua admits shyly, followed by a sheepish chuckle to himself. "It's cheesy, I know. But I can't help it. It's hard not to look at you."
You feel the heat crawling up your face as you blink away your tears clumsily, peering up at him inquisitively. "Really?"
This just draws another laugh from him. Joshua steps closer to you, trailing a hand to cup your face and the other to slide to your back to shorten the gap between the two of you even more. He places a soft kiss to your forehead, his lips lingering there for a moment before he pulls back slightly to meet your gaze.
"Really," he confirms, voice gentle yet firm. "I meant every word I said, darling."
This brings a genuine smile to your face as if it was the first one that night. You instinctively lean more into Joshua's touch, letting your eyes close for a moment to the simple feeling of him holding you.
"I'm sorry," You mumble, voice barely above a whisper. "for pushing you away like that. It's just... I'm scared."
Joshua takes one of your hands into his own to bring up to his lips, pressing a reassuring kiss to your knuckles.
"It's okay," he assures you. "We can be scared together."
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FOUR. "do you believe it? / we're gonna make it now / and i can see it / i can see it now."
A pair of arms snake around your waist from behind, the relaxing melody of a piano floating through the air of the kitchen. You take in a deep breath, leaning back into Joshua's embrace as he rests his chin on your shoulder.
"Smells amazing, honey," Joshua murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to your temple.
You smile contentedly, feeling the peace of the moment wash over the two of you. The enticing smells of the pasta you were cooking waft around the kitchen, mingling with the scent of fresh herbs, garlic, and Joshua's presence right behind you.
"It should be ready soon," You say, clutching the wooden spoon in your hands to give the sauce a final stir.
Joshua's eyes arms tighten around you, pulling you even closer as he sways gently to the music. You hear the sounds of his hums hit your ears as you turn to the heat off to the stove. And as you attempt to pull away from him to grab for some plates, Joshua's grip on your waist hardly budges.
You groan exaggeratedly. "Shua, I need to𑁋"
"Marry me."
You freeze immediately, and you swear time halted right at that moment. Turning around in his hold, you're met with the sight of Joshua's eyes on you. You try to pinpoint any doubt in them, any sign that this is some sort of joke, but his gaze remains unwavering, dark eyes serious yet painted with a shine of hope that tugs right at the strings of your heart and the walls of your hesitation.
There's always that fear gnawing at in the back of your mind. But beneath it all, a warmth spreads through your chest, a certainty that feels as natural as breathing.
And perhaps, you see nothing but forever in him.
You can see it in the way his eyes soften, in the way his hand trembles anxiously against your waist, in the way his lips part ever so slightly as he waits for your response. You can see it all in him. You've made it.
You kiss him just seconds later. It's a question your heart has already answered long before the words left Joshua's lips. You lean more into his touch, feeling your heart overflow past the brink of joy, and the feelings all melt together into the singular realisation that he's the best thing that's ever been yours.
When the two of you finally break away, a single word escapes your lips, "Yes."
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another note: sorry this ending was slightly rushed T-T
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voxofthevoid · 10 hours
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We're at Shibuya Swap Wednesday #9, and I still can't predict an end. Part 3 was largely unplotted when I started writing it, and I think I can see the end—and it's miraculously shorter than I anticipated—but let's see how the path there looks.
I didn't write a lot this week, so the fic is at 85k and halfway through Chapter 16. There's a fuckton of conversations in this part because I'm still reaping what I sowed in Part 1. Several bits were like pulling teeth, but I'm happy with the final shape. The following section is a goyuu reunion of sorts:
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Yuuji opens the door and steps into the dark.
His eyes don’t need an adjustment period; he’s always had good night vision. The tall figure standing stock-still, silhouetted by the sparse moonlight outside an open window, still makes him startle. A second later, two pools of radiant blue cut through the dark—Gojou’s open eyes, fixed right on Yuuji.
“Gojou-sensei,” Yuuji breathes.
“Hello, Yuuji,” comes the soft reply.
The door gently clicks shut behind Yuuji, almost making him jump. His heart is in his throat, and it stays right there as the seconds stretch on, held in place by reasons better and worse than a door closing on its own. On the opposite end, Gojou is still and unmoving. His features are blank, the shadows on his face made strange by the glow of his own eyes. Yuuji’s known for a while that Gojou’s eyes have their own fire, but he’s never seen them like this.
He’s never seen Gojou like this.
“Sensei,” Yuuji says, speaking in hushed tones on instinct, “I’m gonna turn the light on.”
“Go on,” is all Gojou says.
Yuuji gropes around the walls beside the door, and it’d be easier if he just looked, but he finds that he can’t take his eyes off Gojou. A part of him is afraid, not that Gojou will do anything but that he’ll melt into the shadows if Yuuji takes his eyes off him, vanishing like he was never here.
He finds the switchboard and promptly blinds himself.
“Shit,” he swears, slapping his hands over his eyes. He rubs the tears away, peering out from between his fingers and getting smarting eyes for his trouble. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine,” Gojou says, sounding amused; the familiarity of it makes something in Yuuji unclench.
He blinks and squints until the light don’t feel like it’s stabbing his eyes anymore, and then Gojou’s there in full color, eyes bared and hair down and smiling at Yuuji, as solid as a dream can ever get.
“Gojou-sensei,” Yuuji says helplessly, “you’re back.”
“I am. Miss me?”
“I—yes, I was—”
“Worried?”
“…Yeah.”
Gojou’s smile widens. It’s not really a nice expression, too sharp around the edges, but Gojou means these smiles. They’re real, even if they’re poised to cut.
“I’m not the kind of man,” Gojou murmurs, “you should worry about, Yuuji.”
“Yeah, well…” Yuuji shrugs. “Can’t help it, I guess. And it’s different this time.”
“Oh?”
“You were walking into a trap, weren’t you?”
“Oh?” Gojou repeats with an unholy amount of relish. “You really have been thinking about me.”
Yuuji fights down the urge to throw up his arms. “I just told you that!”
“So you did,” Gojou admits. “No need to worry about your dear teacher—I won’t be outmaneuvered twice by the same person. Once was enough. My pride won’t survive a repeat, and we’d hate that, wouldn’t we?”
“Uh, sure,” Yuuji says, not sure how to say Gojou’s pride isn’t what he’s worried about.
Gojou chuckles like he can tell anyway. “Your mother’s a wily bastard, by the way. I hope you haven’t inherited any of that. I quite like how straightforward you are. You’re not hiding some Machiavellian cunning under all that cute pink fluff, are you?”
“What?” Yuuji asks, his brain stuck on cute pink fluff.
“No.” Gojou tilts his head, humming. “No, you’re a different breed.”
“Okay?” Yuuji wrenches his attention back to the point. “How’d it go? Did you find them, did you—”
“I found the body,” Gojou answers. “Booby-trapped to hell, with the most innovative mix of barriers and seals I’ve ever seen. Maybe I should start teaching you those. See if you’ve got a knack for it. Genetics isn’t everything, but for sorcerers, it means something more often than not.”
Any other time, Yuuji would have leaped at the chance to learn more and get stronger, but right now, all he can focus on is—
“The body?” he asks.
Gojou blinks once; his eyes are glowing even in the bright light. “The brain was absent. The residuals led me on a wild goose chase for a while, but they didn’t lead to anything. I knew it wouldn’t. I was tracking that body’s cursed energy, you see. And I found it. It’s all I found. We should have killed them at Shibuya. But every version of you will be a sentimental fool, won’t you, Yuuji?”
Yuuji takes half a step back before forcing himself to stop. Gojou’s stare is a piercing thing, like twin lasers—hotter than the sun, with none of its warmth. Yuuji feels like it’ll sear off his flesh, chunk of cooked meat falling to the ground at his feet.
He can’t feel Gojou’s cursed energy at all.
“I’m sorry,” Yuuji says very gently, “about your friend.”
Gojou stills, somehow without moving a single muscle. Something seems to suck the air out of the room.
Yuuji smothers the urge to yank the door open and throw himself out of this room. It’s not real anyway. Yuuji doesn’t actually want to run away from Gojou. He’s not scared. It’s just that, sometimes, Gojou gets like this, all silent and still, and every animal instinct Yuuji has starts screaming. It happened with Sukuna too, the one time they met face to face, but Yuuji was too angry then to feel anything else, and it was only later, when the way his spine writhed as Gojou bore down on that volcanic curse felt oddly familiar, that Yuuji even realized that a part of him had responded the same way to that blood-and-bone domain and its vicious master.
With Gojou, there’s no anger to swallow everything else, and Yuuji’s left to grapple uncomfortably with the disconnect between his instincts and his feelings. It makes him feel guilty too. Gojou’s on a whole other level as a sorcerer, as a living being, but he’s still just a person. And he’s Yuuji’s teacher. Yuuji likes him; he worries about him. There’s something profane about any part of Yuuji reacting to Gojou the way it did to Sukuna, and Yuuji has a hundred reasons to want to get stronger, but one of them, close to the top of the list, is that he wants to bear the brunt of Gojou’s power without even a sliver of his soul squirming.
He takes a step closer to Gojou, not once looking away from the violent supernova of his eyes.
Something shifts in Gojou’s expression. It doesn’t soften, but it’s less blank, less alien.
“I’d ask who’s been telling tales,” Gojou murmurs, “but it doesn’t matter, hm? You should save your pity for the ones who matter, Yuuji. My old friend lost that right years ago.”
Yuuji…has no idea what to do make of that.
But he knows one thing. “It’s not pity, sensei. I just wish none of it happened to you.”
“And what would you know of what happened to me?”
Yuuji shrugs, trying and failing to shake off the discomfort layering his skin. “Not much. Just that your friend became a curse user and, uh, died. And then Kenjaku took his body.”
“That’s not all you know,” Gojou says with damning certainty. “Tell me how he died, Yuuji.”
Yuuji looks down at his feet for a moment, breathing in deep. Getting air into him still feel like a fight, and his heartbeat is echoed all over his body, from the skull to the soles of his feet. There’s something unnatural happening.
But he trusts Gojou.
Yuuji looks him in the eyes and says, “You killed him.”
“I did. Are you sorry about that too?”
“Yes, sensei.”
“What if I told you I didn’t even hesitate? He was my best friend, you know. The only one I ever had.”
Yuuji’s eyes smart again, his chest squeezing tight. “That must have felt terrible.”
Gojou blinks.
The air lightens.
There’s a long, heavy sigh, followed by Gojou slumping back against the open window, his entire torso supported by empty space. His eyes haven’t wavered from Yuuji or lessened any in intensity, but there’s a pout on his mouth that doesn’t suit the situation at all.
“Are you for real?” he complains.
“Uh, yes?”
“I don’t believe it. Come here, I need to pinch you.”
“What? I’m not doing that!”
“I’ll come there then.”
“No—eck.”
Yuuji didn’t even see Gojou move, but there are fingers pinching his cheek and a toothy grin filling his vision, and his instinctive struggling does down as he processes the new proximity, the rest of the world fading to make room for the warmth and size of Gojou’s body. He’s so close to Yuuji, their chests almost touching, and more and more of his features burn themselves into Yuuji’s vision. His jaw is a sharp curve, the kind you could cut yourself on, and the rest of his face isn’t any better, painfully pretty. Yuuji can’t help noticing that his lips are cracked, without a hint of their usual glossy sheen. It only becomes more obvious when Gojou’s impish grin eases up, settling into a quiet, crooked smile.
Yuuji stares at them for a very long moment, his mouth drying out to match Gojou’s lips.
He looks up. Radioactive eyes gleam a hot blue, threatening to swallow him whole.
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sysig · 4 months
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A bit more Defeated, and thinking about this post (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#But actually starting with chibi Maxes because cutes!! He's the cutest!!#I was looking through some old doodles of my own and my chibi style from 2019 was so flippin' cute ugh#That Zedaph in cold weather clothing? Honestly still a fave of mine Zed is So soft in all my doodles of him lol#Figured it'd be nice to float some cute loves Max's way :) And I was right! Though I am out of practice lol#Was still fun to do tho haha#And then since I'd reread Defeated poor ZEX got a chibi as well! I'm sure he appreciates it poor lad haha ouq#Didn't even use my white ink to put a shine in his eye for that one haha :'D#And then a bit more with Dex </3 I had these ideas on the first reading (or so - in the same time period anyhow) but only got to them later#Dex speaks so.....patronizingly about ''Max's'' attachment to Caleb :) It's interesting to me :)#For a lot of it he's very understanding and gentle with him but it really seems like Caleb is something of a sore spot for him huh#Still ♪ I wonder if he'd consciously acknowledge it - and what his reaction would be at himself if he did hmm#He's no help to Max if he's caught in his own feelings! That doesn't make them not meaningful or important tho#And then to a bit of silliness ♪ No subtlety with the guard dog comparisons pffft#I will not apologize - if ZEX gets to play with a collar and leash with the Captain then let Max have just a little! As a treat!#Besides we all know the Real Dynamics here lol#Max and Dex do stupid couple's costumes for Halloween - who doesn't love a callback lol - and Dex is Not Amused lol#Hey I mean if the shoe fits!#And then the last one is just silly lol I may be misinterpreting the intended message but I couldn't not give it to them lol#And also Max in a ponytail for funsies :D Cute lad ♥
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babieshowclown · 20 days
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reading the kyoshi novels and im back on my "stop making the avatars fight" bullshit because i feel so deep in my heart that kyoshi would love aang like a brother
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airenyah · 3 months
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now that i've turned thai drama into my bachelor thesis, the only question left is: how to turn thai drama into my master's thesis
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opens-up-4-nobody · 6 months
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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voids-cave · 2 months
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they/them not as is enby but because i am literally 3 motherfuckers
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trans-xianxian · 4 months
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it's so so weird like after giving notice my housemate immediately became so like. cold towards me? not even rude it's just like she's stopped putting effort into being nice? which is almost worse? but anywayyy at 6:30pm night before moving day I am finally completely packed wahoo!!
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bellwitchfaggot · 2 years
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I do understand the way in which spirituality is like a deep-seated psychological human need and the way in which ppl seem to tend to go a little batshit crazy when that need is not being met like I think spirituality is kinda the like glue that goes in all the cracks of a person's perception of reality and I do think spirituality is extremely useful for not losing the plot of one's life entirely. This being said however I used to be a very spiritual person and then it was systemically abused out of me by the psychiatric industrial complex and like. I can see now I think that a lot of the beliefs I used to hold and the ways in which I would process and make sense of the world were not actually harmful to me and were also not actually harming anyone else and I think I was like a much happier and more fulfilled person when I was a much more spiritual person and I'm really interested in trying to reincorporate a lot of that into my life but at this point I straight dont know how to like do that without feeling like I'm cracking tf up inside due to the extreme dissonance surrounding spirituality that has been bred in me specifically by people who I believed were helping me for a very large part of my life
#going to find a snackie then maybe get blasted n take a nap idk im sooo sleepy tired#oh just realized its cuz i think i only slept for like 3 hrs#christ maybe i'll start going to church again at some point idfk#i really dont. even know where to begin with starting to unravel what spiritual beliefs i may or may not actually hold and also like for me#spirituality is soooo tied very very VERY deeply in with my severe fucking long term and still semi ongoing cult trauma i just. i really#dont even know where to BEGIN with figuring shit like this out but the mere thought of reintroducing spirituality into my life makes me#feel like such a deepseated fear and sense of danger and unease. ig i gota figure out where tf the line lies for me at some point tho#personal#like. i have very good reason to believe that during my childhood and teenage years i was specifically being groomed to be like acting as#the leader of some sort of fucking apocalypse death cult by my church and that really complicates things!#and then like at some point in my teenage years SOMEONE started to like try to help me get out somehow which took the form of me being like#introduced to like neo paganism and shit and those were some of the most enjoyable and like positive but simultaneously like apeshit years#of my life . and then i was like forcefully medically lobotomized for like years using strong prescription drugs that i didnt really unders#tand what i was being given and like basically fully convinced by someone or something that all spirituality is automatically psychosis#the thing about that is i think believing THAT has actually somewhat led to me accidentally just becoming even more fucking insane#idk its all very complicated and like at this point in my life and recovery i am aware that like i have literally hundreds if not thousands#of unintegrated parts and its just going to take some real fucking time of me like being allowed and safe and comfortable enough to like#fully start to unravel all those different lived experiences inside of me that someone or some group of ppl may or may not have been#specifically attempting to prevent me from ever fully unraveling for me to like. figure out what my own actual opinions are on this and a#lot of other things are#idk i didnt mean to type this many tags on this post or go this in depth but here we r i spose. much 2 think abt#did log
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pinkspiraling · 1 year
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I’m not a therapist or psychiatrist but in my opinion I think it could be because they didn’t nurture or let you feel “safe” during an important developmental stage of your early childhood. Where your brain was wired to equal family members as not safe to be emotionally vulnerable around.
Buuuut take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I only took 1 semester of psychology so I don’t know much
i mean you’re certainly not wrong. we weren’t really allowed to ask for support or be open about our feelings. we were usually shamed and punished when we weren’t the easy kids they wanted us to be. and i think unfortunately it kind of made me and my sisters take on the mindset of us all having to fend for ourselves which is maybe why i still struggle to want to support my sisters even though i love them. i’m not used to it and maybe there’s resentment from being the youngest and feeling like they left me behind to face my parents alone. it seems simple to say all that but it doesn’t feel obvious. because i do love them and i feel like part of loving people should be wanting to listen to and support them so it’s really confusing to feel so angry when they want that from me
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orcelito · 2 years
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ok ykno what I think the general online atmosphere re: Attraction To Men is very horrible & stunting. I've realized recently that I probably do have some internalized biphobia that was a big motivator for why I identified with the word gay despite not Really having a gender preference. & yea I still identify with gay but also maybe I kinda identify with bi too. Bc my gender is fluid and it really just depends on the day, but overall I am potentially attracted to men too and that doesn't take away from my non-straight identity, & it's not Unfortunate or anything either.
Yes, I'm scared of men I don't know. I'm fucking Terrified of them. But men are still just human fucking people, with as much potential for good as anyone else. The masses of people who are all like "eww who even likes men lol" or ppl feeling ashamed for liking men, like. What's the fucking point? You're making trans men feel awful, you're making gay men feel awful, & hell even cis straight men don't deserve to be put down all the time simply for being men.
So sick of all those people who Genuinely think that's okay. Like lmao get the fuck out of here.
#speculation nation#my own identity is smth im still figuring out but im working on like. not feeling bad or guilty about being attracted to men#which WHAT a reversal of the usual narrative lmfao. i was somehow lucky enough to not end up with internalized homohobia#bc no one rly talked about it when i was growing up. never really registered homosexuality existed until i was a freshman in high school#& then shortly after i realized i was into girls lol#and then i joined tumblr and ive been around that 'eww men' mentality. also frankly an anti-straight mentality.#which yes ive long been over that Straight Shit. but ppl still act so allergic to any kind of m/f pair Regardless of how else#they might be part of the community. re: trans or bi or whatever else#it made me feel ashamed of my potential attraction to men. to the point where when someone i was dating realized they were a trans dude#i let the relationship fizzle and die instead of adapting to it. bc i didnt want to be with a guy.#i still dont rly wanna date cishet guys bc theyre just. kind of Bleh in a way i dont want romantically or otherwise#that's just personal taste. hard to feel personally understood in an intimate way with them#but trans men or bi men r like. Wonderful.#aka i dont like to date anyone who's not lgbt in some way. i think that's a better way to look at it.#girls i date r automatically not straight bc i very much look like a girl lol. guys could be cis and straight tho n im not interested in it#BUT yeah. ive been more open about my feelings re: guys on here bc im working to accept that part of myself#yes i have a girlfriend. no this is not an attempt for actual Application of the attraction. i just want to embrace all of my identity#the identity still exists even if im dating someone. that's how the bi stuff works lol#i still like gay as a descriptor bc it feels like a catch all to me. but also maybe i could be bi too#this is weird gender stuff talking dont come at me for equating the two things lol i just dont know what my gender is doing#anyways peace out it's 4:20 am and i need to get tbe FUCK to sleep
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psychoticwillgraham · 2 months
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tried to continue cleaning my room and after maybe 15 minutes of bending down over and over to clean out my doll storage, my hair was half soaked through with sweat and my lower back cracked like a fucking glow stick as soon as I got up and mom STILL tried to get me to bend over and do shit and I was literally about to start crying from the heat and pain and she sounded pissed off that I had to stop for now and get in front of a fan. like I was legit gonna pass out and throw my lower back out if I didn’t stop. guess im worse than I thought
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dravidious · 4 months
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You're more amazing than drama
Booted up Cavern of Dreams for the first time in too long and immediately found and 100%'ed the 2nd world (Airborne Armada)
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#asks#Lostleaf Lake is the 1st world and Cavern of Dreams is the hub#one of the eggs was a weird puzzle that i THOUGHT i needed the water monster's help for but i couldn't figure out how to get it to help me#so i got stuck on that and looked it up online mostly just to confirm that it's actually possible at this stage of the game#and i DIDN'T see the solution but i did see someone say it was possible to do early but was one of the hardest puzzles in the game#and then suddenly something clicked and i realized another solution and it worked!#no spoilers tho ;)#still have no idea why that made it click lol#i guess i was just too laser focused on the water monster and somehow reading that shook up my mind enough to have a different idea#it wasn't even that hard of a puzzle#hard compared to the rest of the game i guess#it was a good puzzle too and i'm super satisfied that i managed to solve it on my own#i was very close to reading the solution and spoiling it for myself#honestly still kinda salty that the water monster wasn't a possible solution#the sign said it can walk through any terrain! i made a path for it and everything!#oh well the actual solution was cool too#and i somehow managed to get all of the card thingies!#i don't even know where the last 2 in Lostleaf Lake are#i scanned that world from top to bottom and couldn't find anything#i'll have to come back with more abilities and maybe find secret areas accessible via other worlds i guess#neat thing about the game: it tells you that you can always get all the eggs in a world immediately when you enter it#mushrooms and cards might need late-game powers but all eggs can be obtained without backtracking#it promises you that so you know you aren't wasting your time searching for the last egg in a world. you CAN get it#i love that both for the design decision and for telling the player about that design decision
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peapod20001 · 1 year
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Currently metaphorically banging my head and fists on the wall cus the only person that I can fully articulate my thoughts and feelings with is my own brain sooo :,)
#vent#bro.. BRO#I can only do so much in this world. I can only do so much#I have no real knowledge at ALL about how to go about living on my own... maybe it’s and easier process than it’s made out to be but idk#it’s not something I’d be able to do NOW but yknow. it’s a thought#kinda iffy on the whole idea though seeing as I’m like the universally liked member of the household#that’s not a bragging thing that’s a legit fact and it’s pressuring sometimes lol#I’m the go-to person when somebody needs to talk with someone. I know every side of everything. I hear EVERYTHING#hell even people OUTSIDE of my household tell me shit. and I carry that shit to my GRAVE but it allows me to point out things or give advice#ironic how I’m the one who shares advice huh? seeing as I don’t know anything haha it’s mostly my fault. I’m not the most adept or receptive#person sometimes. at least when I was younger. now it’s mostly the fact I have trouble retaining things in my mind#it’s smth I’m trying to work on. I work on/ have worked out LOADS of things. mostly smaller things but things nonetheless#why does every other member of my household still have trouble with figuring things out? is it really so hard to not yell at your children#when they aren’t doing what you’d like? isn’t it an easy thing to watch what you say to people? to hear yourself? to not make such a big#dramatic deal out of something that can be worked out in civil conversation? is violence ever good? are snide comments good? is pushing and#pushing and pushing someone to do something good? how am I right in one instance when correcting my brothers posture but completely out of#line the next??? seriously these people got some issues and I know I do too but at least I have the capacity and ability to deal with them#sometimes they’re right tho. if they catch me slacking or picking my skin I don’t mind the reminder to do better#I hate when it’s made out to be some horrible thing tho. that my hands are ugly because I’m picking them on purpose to piss people off and#NOT the fact that this is an issue I’ve been struggling with since AT LEAST age 5 and I’ve been working on it all the time and it hurts but#then i use the pain as punishment because I should know better by now. I’m completely off topic at this point but. yknow. family or whate#sometimes I do think about leaving and getting a roommate or whatever to show that hey! here’s how you have a functioning household where#people aren’t at each other’s throats metaphorically or literally! it’s possible I swear! I know! I’ve seen it!#if we try hard enough I’m sure someone won’t die either by their own hand or someone else’s#WOOF yea I have mixed feelings about talking about myself or my home life but today is just. one of those thinking days yknow? just gotta#power thru and then I can go to sleep. funny how that’s a thing I yearn for these days. I’m getting older lol
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#the narcissist roommate / parental figure I live with refuses to change the thermostat from heat to 75 to something actually livable#while I’m in here dying of an asthma attack and migraine from the heat#all this stupid fan does is blow more hot air on me and makes asthma and septum problems so much worse#I’m tired of being burning up hot sweaty miserable all the time 24/7#there’s not a dam spot in this house that’s below 75 degrees#I’m seriously thinking about sleeping outside it’s only 65 degrees out there that’s perfect#but we’re already having spring weather so the pollen and allergies and asthma will still get me outside and I’ll still be miserable#so it’s a catch 22 for me either way I’m not gonna live though tonight#I haven’t had asthma or migraines this bad since I was a kid and I was rushed to the hospital back then#and other seasonal allergies are already starting I’ll be going though the thick of spring sickness within the next couple of days#so even tho it’s really bad right now it’s about to get even worse#I don’t what I’m gonna do if they refuse to Lutron the thermostat to a resonable tempature#guess I’ll just die#I’m so exhausted#so exhausted from simply not being able to breathe in my house#I have to get out of here#but how#she literally won’t let me do anything#won’t give me any info I need to go out on my own or get my own place#she won’t even let me know my own social security number. I’m 20 fucking years old.#she won’t let me get a drivers liscense#I don’t have anyone willing to help me get out and away from her#please god just kill me#there’s no way out just kill me already#there’s no way to get away from her#if this asthma and migraine don’t let up soon I’ll be dead by morning anyway#what’s the point of letting me suffer through a whole night misery just kill me already please
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louissunshine · 1 year
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