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cowboyjen68 · 3 years

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Hey jen first off congrats on your new tshirt lol but also, do you know of any lesbians that truly didn’t realize they were gay or different until they were much older? i didnt realize I might be gay until I was 19 and even then, there was SEVERE self doubt cus I was well aware how my abusive father had and continues to completely warp and destroy how I view, trusted (i didnt and still dont) and interacted (i didnt and still dont) with cishetero men. Like I’m scared my sexuality is just a massive trauma response. Growing up I had a lot of what i thought were crushes on guys but a lot of times the ‘crushes’ were just me wanting to get their attention and be their friend. I did have a few “romantic” ones but again those men were completely unattainable and theres was no chance we’d ever date or that they’d ever pay me any attention and i...................took comfort in that. it wasnt until I was 19 that i had my first crush (or first that i was aware of) on a girl, but she was straight. and It wasnt until I got my first crush on another lesbian, at age 22 (im 26 now) that it truly smacked me in the face - I was literally losing sleep over this girl, I could barely hold a conversation without blushing and stuttering, hearing her voice or seeing her walk by made my stomach perform a simone biles floor routine, but when she smiled at or complimented me id be smiling goofily for the rest of the day. Then i found out she had a gf and my heart dropped to my ass and while I hate to admit it, i felt the petty jealousy and envy bubbling up to the surface (but i absolutely never acted on it cus i knew the feelings were irrational and silly). Like I felt like I was back in middle school and like.......a guy has NEVER brought that intensity of emotions out of me. The first time I slept with a woman I loved it, and continue to love it and i know this paragraph is painting a massive picture of “yes you fucking idiot you are gay” but when i talk to or hear stories from other lesbians, I can never relate or align to that feeling of “knowing I was different since I was young”, I had 0 clue up until my 20s. that paired with my upbringing, plus smaller traumas here and there also centered around men..........like im truly scared that the day i fully heal is the day I’m gonna realize my sexuality is a lie. and its a big reason (besides mental and emotional instability) i avoid relationships even though i want one cus i dont wanna put another girl through hell just cus i cant figure MY shit out you know? Like this sounds so childish but I wish there was like an entrance exam or something that you can take and itll give you some type of definitive answer like: “yes youre gay”, “nope straight”, “maybe? need more info/experience” or “pls for the love of god go to therapy”

Ok.. first. yeah.. therapy can be great.. even for healthy, well adjusted people.

BUT:

Once of the reasons I didn't know "what" i was is because I had no exposure to role models that looked like me. No one to show me what life might look like besides what I saw with my mom and dad, the neighbors mom and dad, my uncles and aunts.. the man woman kids model. I had no words or word for my experience and not really any idea there was any option.

I knew was different especially once puberty hit, there was just no way for me to know how I was different or to know I wouldn't outgrow the "phase".

I always say, it is not necessary for any of us to have intimacy or sex with someone in order to have that "awakening" of our sexuality and I believe that. However, sometimes that little touch, kiss, tingly feeling can push us more towards our admitting it to ourselves sooner rather than later.

We all have different reasons to be unsure. In a neutral world it wouldn't matter, we would be attracted to whomever we are attracted to and that would be that. BUT the world is not neutral and figuring out out sexual orientation is important because it helps us fine our "safe" community in an often hostile world. Sadly that means we have to sort out our feelings, our experiences, social media and media and lots of lies and inconsistencies to separate that from for our innate sexual attraction. It is not always clear what is attraction, true passion and what is imposed upon us from outside pressure.

The good news is there is no time line and no shame in being wrong. Our innate sexuality does not change but our understanding of it does as we gain experience and get to know ourselves. Follow your heart. Do not date for others, date for yourself. You don’t need to know for sure to enjoy figuring it out.

I can also tell you that I know lesbians my age who married men, had kids and had okay lives. It never occurred to them they were lesbians... then small things crept in. They realized what they thought was love was friendship. What they thought was passion was going through the motions. Then, one day, they met other lesbians, saw other lesbians and realized they had mistaken “finding a nice man” for love. and attraction.

Don’t worry about the opinions of others. They don’t have any right to judge you or your past or your dating life. You are allowed to be wrong and to reevaluate yourself. I have a feeling that once you allow yourself to trust yourself you will figure things out much faster.

When you are ready to date you will not be too much for the right woman. Somehow all those things you think will be too hard for another will not be for someone with whom you click. It is also okay to not be ready to date. To take time for yourself.

#lesbian #dating #sexualtiy

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sun-stormz · 3 years

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Genshin Impact Visions & Gods

This has been bugging me since i started playing in mid november, but what makes a certain Archon give a Character their Vision. Considering i couldnt find any official info, I decided to do some research on each Archon and then on the player Characters we have of each element as of beginning of December 2020.

This will contain spoilers on characters & story!

Note: The travelers will not be included due to them not having Visions and having more then one Element.

I am basing this on overlaping themes and not on anything related to the actual Archon. I did add some info on the archons tho, due to this being about Visions and archons

“It is unclear whether Visions are directly granted by its element's corresponding Archon or by the nation's Archon. There is also the possibility that granting a Vision requires approval from both Archons. Yet another possibility is that they are granted by neither, and are instead given by the gods on Celestia.”

-Genshin Wiki on reciving Visions

Starting with my Favourite Element, Electro.

Electro wise, We have five Characters as of right now: Kequin, Razor, Beidou, Fishl and Lisa. The Electro Archon, God of Eternity, Baal, is the ruling Archon of the Area, Inazuma, whitch is the area we are getting in the 1.4 update in 2021.

To start off i read into any info i could find on Baal and i gotta say, she is a interesting Fellow. As of right now we know that Baal has locked Inazuma down and has initiated a Vision Hunt Decree, due to her thinking Visions should be under the sole domain of divinity. She also hasnt handed out any Visions since this decree which means all Electro characters we know have gotten theirs before this drastic change.

Now, why did these 5 characters get their Visions? Well each character has a different reason, from Razor wanting to protect those he calls friends to Lisa simpley saying it would be of use to her and just getting it. From what I've found there isnt really a big overlap in the reciving of the characters, but what is overlaping is their fixation on something.

Razor recived his vision due to him being fixated on getting stronger to protect his friends after he failed to while being dragged away by an abyss mage

Kequin was fixated on sharing her beliefs, that the people of Lyiue shouldnt rely on Rex Lapis and have their Pride and that their views are of Equal importance

Fishl was so fixated on a book series she changed herself to be like the main character, fishl and her Vision manifested in the form of Oz, one of the characters from said book

Beidou was fixated on killing Haishan, a sea monster, from a young age and recived her vision when she did so

Lisa is pretty much fixated on understanding magecraft and the cost of reciveing a Vision.

Now onto a easier Element, Geo

The Archon of Geo and Contracts, Morax, Archon of Lyiue.

Morax or Rex Lapis, was one of the oldest gods, defended Lyiue in the Archon war, the Currency in Teyvat, Mora, is named after him and as of Chp.1 Act 3 we know that he has taken the form of Zhongli and has retired as the Geo Archon.

Morax, Along with Barbatos, are the only two Archons of the Original Seven that havent been replaced.

Now, who are our Geo Characters? Noelle and Ningguang, two dedicated powerhouses! This one is fairly simple, thanks to voicelines we have of Zhongli since he came out as a player character (Bless the pity pull for giving me this man)

In his “About Ningguang” Voiceline he says: ”Despite the multitude of affairs she deals with in a day, Ningguang always continues to press on. A rare gem indeed. I'm reminded of the time that she used to walk barefoot from Yaoguang Shoal to the south wharf, trying to sell her wares as she went. Time is cruel to humans.”

Noelle recived her vision when Jean Acknowledged her hard work when she tried to get into the knights of favonius. in her “Vision” story it states: This was a lucky day that she would always remember, for she would receive recognition from two all-important sources this day: once from Jean, and the other from the gods. Her hard work has been remembered after all.

So for short: Hard working and dedicated = Geo Vision

Next up we have Anemo

Our wonderful Tone deaf bard, Venti or otherwise known as the Archon of Anemo and freedom, Barbatos, the not really ruling Archon of Mondstadt.

Barbatos is a freedom loving guy and refuses to rule over Mondstadt, the city of freedom and is by far the weakest of the Archons, despite this the people of Modstadt still love and adore their windy God.

I went into this one thinking “Oh this is easy, itll be love for freedom or something!” Nope, it surprisingly wasnt. Jean and sucerose recived their visions through their Determination it seems. Sucerose from doing her 159th Dandilion seed Simmering experiment and Jean seemed to be determened to be a good grandmaster and to protect Mondstadt.

That aside, i couldnt find many overlaps with the two, they are both free spirited and love what they do.

Now on to Pyro

Pyro, the Element of the Archon Murata who is also the god of War, is wielded by the fan fav Diluc, as well as Klee, Xiangling, Amber, Bennett and Xinyan.

Not much is known about Murata, Venti describes her as a “ wayward, warmongering wretch” and thats about all we know. She presides over Natlan.

Now to the characters, this was acually the easiest of them all: Passion.

Every Pyro user has a huge amount of passion that a rolemodel or Loved one ignited within them.

This one definitly surprised me the least and i am really excited for when we meet Murata and Natlan.

Diluc has the same passion his father had

Klee has a passion for Explosives that her mother ignited

Xiangling has a passion for food and cooking she got from her father

Amber got her Passion for Mondstadt and the outriders from her grandfather

Bennett got the Passion for adventure from all the old adventurers he calls dads, yes Dads as in plural, that raised him

Xinyan has a passion for Rock, tho i havent found out more of her story due to her being so new.

Now heading onto Hydro

Hydro, along with Dendro, is the only element where we do not know the name of the Archon. All we do know is that they are the Archon of Hydro and Justice and rule over Fontaine.

So straight to the Hydro characters: Barbara, Mona and Xingqiu.

I dont really count Childe due to the only thing talked about is his dilusion and i am rather confused on if he even has a real vision but i still love him lots

Im going to be honest this one really had me running the brain gears for a while.

All three recived their Vision as an extension of the self.

Barbara got hers after helping a sick boy by singing to him to help him sleep through a fever, Mona rekindeled a learning aid to her vision, to aid her with her search for the truth of the rules of the world and Xingqiu got his after he explained the principles of his clans martial arts anew, litterally saying that martial artists should see Visions as a extension of the self.

Last but definitly not least, Cryo

Cryo, the Element of the Archon know as the Tsaritsa. We acually dont know her corrisponding ideal nor her acual name and this one was just as geargrinding as Hydro.

The Tsaritsa, Ruler of the fatui and the one that gives them their Dilusions, is one interresting lady. We get a description of her from Childe: “Her Royal Highness the Tsaritsa is actually a gentle soul. Too gentle, in fact, and that's why she had to harden herself. Likewise, she declared war against the whole world only because she dreams of peace. Her gaze was cold but pure, arrogant yet sharp. She was not only the sacrosanct Cryo Archon but a true warrior also.”

Kaeya, Chongyun, Diona and Qiqi, our current four Cyro userer, all have rather interesting storys when it comes to how they got their Vision.

All dont accept something

Kaeya felt guilty about hiding who he was from the family that adopted him after his father abandoned him to be a spy in Mondstadt, and told Diluc, someone he used to be very close with, the truth, since then he sees his vision as a stern reminder that he must live his life under a heavy burden of Lies. He pretty much doesnt accept the truth of his situatin and would rather live with that heavy burden

Chonyun is surpressing a part of himself, the condition he has, and as Xiangling says in Chongyuns stories, is denying a part of him. He trys to work around his condition and wont accept it as the way to go about how he practices exocrism.

Diona wont accept the truth about her father being a Alcoholic, and places the blame on the Alcohol industy instead of accepting that he isnt as high and mighty as she thought. She wont accept that her fathers bad control over his drinking habits is the reason he acts as he does and instead blames the alcohol industry.

Qiqi didnt want to accept her death nor does she really accept her Zombie like traits and only uses them when she needs to defend herself.

My theory is the Cyro Visions are recevied when you wont accept the grim reality as it is, if this is positive or negative variates

When it comes to the last element, Dendro, we sadly know nothing nor have we seen any dendro character in action. So that might be a addition later on.

I’m really interrested if we find out the actual criteria for reciving each Vision one day

#genshin impact #genshin diluc #genshin theory #kaeya #diluc ragnvindr #zhongli #childe #genshin venti #genshin chongyun #this game is taking over my life

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blarrghe · 3 years

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“Wrapping arms around them when they make breakfast” Dorian x Anders, because I imagine Dorian has NEVER had a lover make him breakfast before (and Anders probably as a cat-shaped waffle iron)

Ok, as much as I love “his boyfriend makes him breakfast and it breaks Dorian” I also like, JUST did that over in my pavellan fic. It was very sweet and all, but consider: neither of these men are functional adults so who the hell is making breakfast? Still, got Anders his waffles. Anyway this directly sequels the last one again, because I’m using prompts to generate this story now I guess, and I’m really invested in this slow burn friends-to-lovers angsty mess now, so this got super long. I’m gonna start posting this as a series on AO3 I think -- also taking title suggestions XD. Thanks for dragging me into this hell :’) Here’s Breakfast:

He told himself that he was just coming along to keep an eye on him. A designated driver of sorts, just one without a car, or driver’s license, for that matter. He showed Dorian to the bar across the street and ordered himself a glass of water while Dorian asked for “the worst swill you have", with a rather large tip slapped on the bartop. He was handed something astringent smelling in a foggy glass, downed it in one quick backwards toss of his head — arching his neck, snapping back again with a shudder — and then he asked to have the bottle.

Dorian took two more shots before he spoke. “Did you know that there was an author, horror novelist, whose mother disapproved so wholly of her marriage that after she died, she and her husband took their revenge by having sex right on her grave?”

So. This was going to be an interesting evening. “I did know that, actually.” Anders said.

“I’m rather a fan of hers, of her work, I mean.” he took another shot, “and of her misbehaviours. Only, do you think it would be too gouache, seeing as it’s already been done?”

Anders coughed. “Because if it hadn’t been, it wouldn’t be?”

Dorian shrugged, and took a fourth shot. Maker, he’d finish the bottle within half an hour, at this rate.

“I’m a fan of hers too,” Anders attempted to steer the conversation into something somewhat more...appropriate, “of her work.” He was also a fan of the story, but maybe not at this particular moment.

“Oh?”

Anders took a sip of his water, and signalled to the bartender to put a water glass in front of Dorian, too. “I tend to enjoy stories about misunderstood monsters,” he shrugged.

“Me too.” Dorian ignored the water glass in favour of shot number five. “Of course, she was married to a like-minded soul, I’d have to find myself a willing participant.”

“Strange thing to put into your dating app profile,” Anders agreed. Dark humour came easy — though he wasn’t entirely sure it was a good idea.

“Mm. Man seeking man to fuck on father’s grave, must be willing to break cemetary locks and city bylaws. Risk of haunting, serious inquiries only.”

Anders tried to stifle his laugh. Man seeking man, though. No. Nope. Very terrible idea.

“I don’t suppose you’d be game?”

Anders coughed again, his cheeks flaring up, and shook his head. “I — uh — I think that must be against...one of my oaths.” he stuttered, still flushing.

Dorian took yet another shot, which made six. What in the world was he made of? "Yes I suppose it must be. Or should be, at any rate." His cheeks were a bit flushed too, even in the dim light, but just from the alcohol; evidently the man had no concept of shame, because next he said, "well, it was worth a shot."

Speaking of shots. "Water," Anders instructed, moving the water glass closer to Dorian, "you should drink some water."

"Yes doctor." Dorian obliged, taking the glass to his mouth but raking his eyes up and down Anders as he drank down the entire thing. Anders just kept on blushing.

"I take it you and your father didn't get along?" It probably wasn't the right question to ask the recently bereaved, but he'd nearly failed that psych 101 course he'd taken in first year, and it was a step away from morbid propositions. Void, where was Merrill when he needed her?

"You met him, didn't you?" Dorian raised an eyebrow, and with quickly failing coordination, poured himself one more shot, while spilling enough to fill another over the bartop. Anders grabbed a napkin, while Dorian threw his shot back without seeming to notice. "My father hated me." He said, once he'd swallowed.

Tear soaked apologies and an alcohol soaked "celebration" of his death. Anders felt something in the pit of his stomach plummet that was quite removed from the growing pangs of hunger his measly lunch — a granola bar five hours ago — had left him with.

"I'm sure he didn't —" Dorian stopped him with an ice cold look, intimidating even as he swayed in his seat. Anders frowned, there had been something in that psych course about not sharing your own traumatic experiences with a patient, even if they were relatable. Muddies the waters of who's caretaking who, or gives them ideas, or makes you look crazy too, so they lose confidence, but — "mine did, too." He gave Dorian's arm a tentative pat, and waved the bartender down for a refill of water. Dorian drank it without prompting this time, but his eyes watched Anders again, waiting for more. "Or he must've, got rid of me quick enough."

"Ah," Dorian leaned back, a little too far, Anders tensed to catch him in case he started to fall, "then I'm an ass. Sorry."

"No, you're —" Dorian swayed back forward with a bit of a jolt, like he'd forgotten how to stop and needed to grip the bartop to keep level. He reached for the bottle again, and Anders shot a hand out to grab it first. Their hands met, Dorian's falling on top of his over the bottle, and then in an instant Dorian's flew away again. "You're drunk." Anders said.

"Yes," Dorian agreed, "marvelous." He went back to the water, then cast Anders' hand, still on the bottle, a hopeful look. "Though not to the point where I won't remember any of this miserable day, yet."

Anders raised an eyebrow, and kept his hand on the bottle.

"Not that I'm saying I wish to forget you," Dorian's eyes were pleading with him, glossy as they were, "you've been rather kind, really, it's just…" when Anders still didn't release the bottle, he groaned. Then he straightened out his face again, a mask of sensibility that was barely holding: "I'm afraid you aren't seeing me at my best, doctor Anders."

"Just Anders." Maker, but the sadness behind it all was killing him. You're heart's too soft, Anders, he scolded himself.

"Anders, then. Quite the name."

"More a point of origin." Anders explained with a shrug.

"Yes, the hair rather gives you away. And the complexion." He reached out and slipped two of his long fingers through a strand of Anders' strawberry hair, which was falling in a straggled mess about his temples. Anders flinched, pulling his head back, and Dorian frowned apologetically. "Pretty. You're very pretty." He said. Anders shook his head and rolled his eyes — the man was drunk — but blushed again.

"It's what the circle gave me," Anders explained the name with another shrug. He wasnt entirely sure why he was volunteering so much personal information to this perfect stranger. Perhaps he felt it was owed, after witnessing the death of the man's father, and all he'd overheard. Or maybe it was those eyes...

"Oh." Another apologetic frown, "and you ran away to Tevinter? Well, you wouldn't be the first." Anders nodded. "Where from?"

Anders chuckled dryly, "Kirkwall, most recently."

"Oof." Dorian grunted a drunken sound of disgust, and Anders chuckled again, "how in the world do you manage not to drink?"

Anders’ laugh grew stronger, he shook his head and took another sip of his water, while Dorian redirected his attention once more to the bottle still protected by his hand, as though just now remembering his plight. "One more, I promise I'll be good." He begged.

"Speaking as a doctor, I think you've had enough."

"I thought you were off duty."

"You're going to make yourself sick."

"Then it's lucky I'm with a doctor."

Anders sighed, and poured him one more slightly scant shot. Dorian frowned at the way the alcohol didn't reach the rim of the glass, but threw it back with a grateful sigh.

“Can I call you a cab, Dorian?” Anders offered, watching worriedly as Dorian gave his head a dramatic shake and swayed a little more back and forth. The bar was emptying out, and last call was coming upon them. He cast a glance at the old watch ticking away on his wrist, mentally calculating how long it would be until he could be at home, in his bed. Not that he minded keeping the miserable man company, quite the opposite, despite everything. He had a pull to him Anders couldn’t quite explain; the eyes again, probably. But the bus came once an hour at this time of night, and didn’t stop at the closer stop, just the well-lit main hub that lay several blocks from his apartment — another fifteen minutes of walking after he got off, so a good hour or more to get home, altogether, if he left now.

“Is it that time already?” Dorian sounded disappointed, spinning the empty shot glass around on the bar, then with a sudden spark of concern in his eyes he turned his face to Anders, “I’ve kept you too long, haven’t I? How dreadfully selfish of me, I —” he was sputtering a rather pitiful apology, and Anders’ stomach fell again at the sight of it.

“It’s alright,” he said gently, muscle memory finding the soft smile he used for giving bad news to patients, “your father died today, you don’t have to apologize to me.”

“Yes, father died…” Dorian got a far-off look in those cold eyes of his, and then directed them back at his empty glass, “and you — you had to, I mean, here I am wasting your time when you must be — selfish —” all at once, his face crumpled, and the guilty muttering gave way to tears. Shit.

Anders patted his back once, carefully, and Dorian seemed to utterly collapse under his touch, sobbing into the sticky countertop. Anders took a deep breath, and dragged him up again. He tossed a tip of his own onto the bar as the bartender shot them an aggravated look, and hauled Dorian away, draping his arms over his shoulders. Dorian slumped into him, heavy, hunched over, still crying, as Anders pushed through the door of the bar and into the balmy night air, awash with the putrid stench of dumpsters in the alley and the sick coughed up by the bar’s less restrained patrons. It all made him a little homesick. Dorian, hanging halfway off of him, lurched forward like he was about to add his own mess to the stink in the alley, but then he righted himself again, and propped himself up using Anders’ shoulder. Anders took the opportunity to pull out his phone.

“Where am I sending you?” he asked helpfully. Dorian made another face that seemed to threaten that he was about to be sick.

“I’m not going back there,” he muttered, less to Anders than to the ground. He wiped at his eyes and sniffed. “Just help me find my car?”

“You can’t drive.”

“I’ll sleep in it — I left it in the lot.”

“No.”

Dorian pushed himself off of Anders, propelling himself away from his shoulder, and staggered forward a step. Then he seemed to change his mind, or realise he was in no state to walk on his own, and reached an arm out to fall back against the wall of the alley.

“No?” He asked, incredulous as Anders took his arm and draped it back over himself, walking them out of the alley and the stink.

“I’m not letting you sleep in your car,” Anders shook his head as he dragged the man forward. He was heavier than he looked. Strong, too, if the grip on his shoulder was any indication. “Besides, I can’t risk leaving you in a vehicle, if you did something stupid that would be on me.”

Dorian snorted, “do you think I’m stupid?”

“I don’t know you well enough to judge.” Anders answered honestly, which seemed to amuse Dorian.

“I’m not stupid.” he said, “very, very smart, actually.” he insisted. Anders nodded appreciatively.

“Alright then, so you see why I can’t just leave you in the hospital parking lot, in your condition.”

“Mm. Kind of you, but I can think of worse places.” So could Anders, but he shuddered to think what could happen to Dorian if he left him alone like this, drunk and stumbling and wearing the most expensive looking suit he’d ever seen; he’d already flashed his overstuffed wallet far too openly when ordering his drinks inside. “Is there a hotel? I could buy a hotel.” Dorian slurred.

Anders was fairly certain he’d forgotten a word in his suggestion, but given the suit and the wallet, maybe not. Before Anders could answer, he lurched forward and away from him again, back towards the alley, and into a spasming sort of crouch, retching.

Anders took an instinctive step back as Dorian gagged and sputtered out a vomit of mostly liquid and bile onto the broken stone of the alleyway, then remembered his physician’s training, and rushed forward to steady him. Between coughs, Dorian swore, and when he finished (miraculously, his suit and shoes were still unharmed), he began to cry again. Anders sighed, and once more feeling a little bit homesick, he breathed out an all too familiar refrain: “well, shit.” he said.

“Not —” Dorian was stuttering apologetically at him now, “not my best.” He wiped at his tears, swore again, then got up from his crouch and began to stumble forward once more, heading the wrong way down the alley. Anders took him by the shoulders and led him out again.

“Hotel?” The word smushed out of him with so much drunken misery that Anders felt almost like crying for him, and he sighed again, pulling out his phone.

“I’m taking you home,” he dialed the number and gave the taxi company their location, then propped Dorian up against the wall of the bar that faced the street, rather than the alley, keeping an eye on his paling face and shaky breathing.

“What, your home?"

Anders nodded, “if you choke on your vomit and die in your hotel room, I’ll feel responsible,” he explained as Dorian looked up at him with a perplexed, and dare he say it, even eager look.

“Very kind of you, doctor Anders.” he said, but before Anders could correct him on the honorific again, he stooped and threw up, so doctor Anders it was.

——

Dorian all but fell asleep in the taxi, head drooping down into his chest, swaying this way and that as the car rounded the corners, but thankfully he kept from throwing up any more. The luck didn’t hold once they were inside Anders’ apartment though, and soon Anders had him steadied in a kneel over his toilet bowl, getting out the rest of it. Dorian flung most of his clothes off before throwing up this time, wrestling himself out of the suit jacket and tight shirt beneath it, while Anders tried not to be impressed. He had a really remarkable physique, but he was also lurching and coughing miserably into Anders’ toilet, so it was definitely not something to admire. Then he got him onto the couch, set a large bowl on the floor by his head, and coaxed him into one more glass of water before letting him lie down. Dorian offered him another tearful apology, and then tearful thanks, and then he passed out. Anders sat back in a chair across from him for a while, watching as his breathing slowed to a steady rise and fall, ensuring that his head was turned to the side, mouth facing the bowl, in case he was to vomit any more in his sleep, and then he finally, finally, stumbled his own way to bed.

He woke to the sound of his cupboards banging shut and the kettle screeching to a whistle.

Anders stumbled out into his kitchen to find Dorian standing there with a distraught look on his face, pouring water into two large mugs. He was dressed again, and looking remarkably perfect, actually. Hair all in place and posture all upright once more. The bowl was gone from the floor, too, and nothing smelled off — just a little like tea.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, suddenly aware of his own shabby pajamas.

Dorian turned, still looking distraught. "You don't have any food." He complained, "I fed your cat —" Anders looked down to the corner of the kitchen where Ser Pounce's food bowl was, and found Ser Pounce there happily nibbling from a bowl filled to slightly too full, "I hope that's alright. I woke up with him on my chest and he wouldn't stop pawing at that cabinet so I figured…"

Anders smiled softly, and not in a practiced way, he'd entirely forgotten to check the food bowl when they came in the night before, occupied as he'd been.

"And then I saw you had a coffee pot, so I was going to make coffee, as a thank you — well, actually, I was going to have some delivered, but I don't rightly know where I am —" Dorian ran a hand through his hair, and he was talking quite speedily, cheeks going just slightly pink "but you don't have coffee. Or anything."

Now Anders blushed, embarrassed for the nakedness of his cupboards.

"Anyway, thank you. Tea?"

Anders nodded, and took the few remaining steps to the counter to grab one of the mugs of still steeping tea; he liked to keep the bag in. He moved from the counter to the couch, cupping the mug with both hands, and sat down.

"117 Orseck Ave.," he said, "that's where you are. How are you feeling… how much of last night do you remember?"

"I remember making a fool of myself, if that's what you're asking. And you being uncommonly kind." He paused, "it is Anders, right?" Anders nodded, "is there anything else I should remember, Anders?"

Anders shook his head, "that about sums it up."

Dorian chuckled. When he wasn't drunk or crying, it was a nice sound. He leaned against Anders' counter — stunning, how was he stunning after a night like the one he'd just had? "Well, you've certainly wasted enough of your time looking after me, and I can get out of your hair now, but —"

"— I wouldn't call it a waste of time," Anders interrupted, because something in him always seemed to speak up whenever Dorian went about making statements like that. It kind of had been a waste of his time, Anders tried to protest against that something, he'd lost a great deal of sleep to it, anyway. But somehow the look that his interruption gained him from Dorian was impossible to remain grumpy with.

"Have you been to Marc's?" Dorian asked suddenly, brightening with a hopeful smile, "since I know where we are now, and its nearby, and you have no food," he went on, "and personally, I'm starving —"

"I imagine you would be," Anders said, though at the mention of hunger his own stomach took the opportunity to awaken too, noisily. Dorian raised an eyebrow at the sound.

"Might I buy you breakfast? I feel I owe you that much."

Anders hadn't been to Marc's. He'd been by it many times, a busy little brunch place, always smelling of bacon and pancakes and with a line out the door. It was a bad idea to say yes to this, he thought, a bad idea to say yes to anything involving absurdly handsome men who just lost their fathers, who were obviously walking disasters waiting to happen (you always had a thing for disasters waiting to happen) — shush. His stomach grumbled again.

"I haven't been," Anders answered, "there's always a line — and I am on call, I might not have time to —"

"Oh, we can skip all that." Dorian brushed the protest aside, "so? Don't try to tell me you aren't hungry."

Anders kicked at a bit of cat hair fluff adorning the edge of his couch, "alright, sure."

Dorian was certainly good at getting him to say yes to things he should know better than to say yes to. If he kept going on like this, the next thing he knew he'd be having sex on his father's grave.

----

They arrived at the restaurant, just a short walk from Anders' building, and yet in a considerably nicer part of town — the new money was creeping in towards his end of things, but where he lived at least was still very much no money — and Dorian walked straight up to the front of the line. Anders hung back, watching skeptically as Dorian performed a series of intricate maneuvers: some charm, a smile, a handshake Anders recognized from Varric — the kind with a bill snuck inside — and then he turned, waving Anders over.

"We can wait ten minutes for a table, or have our food prepared now and take it outside. Your choice." He smiled. Maker, such a good smile; straight teeth and a brilliantly white gleam. "But you're on call, right? And to be honest with you, the fresh air is making me feel considerably less queasy. Park across the street?" Anders nodded and shrugged at the same time, a gesture that seemed to satisfy Dorian into continuing to take charge of the situation. "Alright then, to go. And fast, if you can. We're both very busy and important." He winked at the young hostess as he was handed two paper menus, and Anders could have sworn she blushed brighter than the checkerboard red on the apron she wore. "What do you fancy?" Dorian asked him, handing over one of the papers.

It was diner food, but not really. Poached eggs with house-smoked bacon over an heirloom tomato coulis, waffles with Orlesian creme sauce and glazed berries, rare wheat pancakes with apple cinnamon compote and vanilla syrup — just a few options, all of them coming with a detailed list of decadent flavours. In addition to those few confounding main courses was a fresh juice list filled with exotic fruits Anders had never even heard of, and approximately twenty different kinds of coffee.

"Uh, waffles?" He said, squinting at the menu, "waffles and coffee?"

Dorian beamed some more, and took back his menu to point out the waffle dish, as well as several other things, confidently ordering far more food than could possibly be necessary as well as coffee and one of the strange fruit juices while insisting that Anders simply had to try it. The patient employee nodded and hurried away, and not ten minutes later came back with two plastic bags stuffed near splitting with cardboard containers, and a tray of drinks. Dorian thanked her with another winning smile and secretly-funded handshake, and then they were off.

The park across the street had benches, so they sat on one — finding one in the shade of a great, leafy tree, as even the morning sun was warm. Then, Dorian began a conversation, and the whole thing was far less awkward than Anders had expected. Dorian asked about his work, so Anders described some of it, though he avoided anything too close to topics of death and dying, and Dorian held his gaze while he talked and asked compelling questions. He seemed to be, as claimed, very smart, and the food was practically otherworldly. Then Anders asked Dorian about his work in turn, and Dorian sighed.

"Well, you're new here, aren't you? How much do you know about Tevinter politics? The intricacies of it all can take a lifetime to wrap one's head around. That's by design; keeps things all tied up with the upper classes who have it in their blood to be intollerable bureaucrats." His air was flippant, but altogether disapproving, which Anders appreciated.

"I've been here a while now, actually. A couple of years, anyway, I understand it a bit. Political science was always my…'' downfall? "Second passion." He washed down a heaping forkful of creme covered waffles made of pure fairy dust and clouds with whatever exciting fruit drink Dorian had handed him — it tasted like bright green, with a hint of citrus. "I feel people should be informed — active. Healthcare is as political as it is practical." And mage freedom, that was political too, but they didn't have to get into that. Mages were already free in Tevinter. Other kinds of people, however — something bitter bit at the back of his mind. But it was too sunny, and the food too good, for that sort of conversation.

Dorian nodded approvingly, his eyes lighting up. "Alright then, I'm an Altus. I argue things in circles in the house a lot, these days I've been losing all sorts of friends arguing this Sopperati electorate reformation bill," Anders' eyes widened, impressed. He'd been following the progress of it, a huge step for increased class equality, if it passed. So maybe it was just sunny enough for such a conversation. "but of course it can only go so far without approval from the Magisterium," Dorian went on, a slight growl of frustration colouring his tone, which was appealing in a different way, "and for that we need to convince those with seats in the — in the —'' he stopped, and some of the light fell from his eyes. "I just remembered that my father is dead." He said. Shit. Not a sunny conversation, after all. "His seat passes to me, you see, because nepotism still runs stronger than good sense and he's written my name into all these continuations of his legacy and…" he sighed, and stabbed hard at a piece of brilliantly poached egg, which honestly didn't deserve it, "sorry. It's going to be a very hectic and difficult few weeks, with all the ceremony and paperwork and the whole ordeal of burying him…" he scooped up some of his bleeding egg yolk with a wedge of toast, and went silent in favour of eating, while Anders took an uncomfortable sip of juice that seemed to have lost some of its vividness. "You've been here for years, you said?" Dorian changed the subject, refocusing on Anders. Anders nodded, still awkwardly sucking up juice through the straw of his cup. "I would have sworn you were an escapee fresh from the harbour."

"Why?" Anders bristled a little.

"Your apartment. You have no food or furniture," Anders bristled a little more, "and you've never been to Marc's", Anders frowned, furrowing his brow at the impossibly good, impossibly expensive waffles, "and you're too nice." Dorian finished. Anders looked up in surprise, catching Dorian's eye. They were still a bit lost for light, but soft on him.

"I'm just very busy," Anders shrugged. And very poor, but, well, Dorian probably thought anyone with fewer than a thousand acres of family land was poor, given his status. He didn't need to know the extent of it.

"Hm," Dorian's eyes were still on him, soft and thoughtful, "what else haven't you done?" Anders shrugged, and Dorian began listing things. Tourist attractions and famed galleries, but also other, lesser-known offerings of the city that Anders had never even heard of.

"Ferry through the archipelegos?"

"No."

"The volcanic sand beaches?"

"No."

"Dinner at the top of Tidarion Tower?"

"No."

And on like that, until he finally said yes to something — taking in a show at the infamous burlesque playhouse in the city's red light district, which elicited an eyebrow raise.

"Priorities, I see." Dorian chuckled, "at least you have good taste." He reached an arm up over Anders' side of the bench, as he finished with his food and slid the box away, very smooth. "I'd have offered to take you. Maybe one of the others sometime, then, if you've a mind." He suggested. Anders could feel his cheeks beginning to run hot again. Still a bad idea, he reminded himself. Apparently sensing his unease, Dorian removed his arm from its perch near Anders' shoulders. "May I say something painfully honest?" he asked.

Anders swallowed, but he managed a smirk as he replied. "I think we're well past that," he said.

Dorian shook his head with a dry chuckle, "yes, well. I'm all out of sorts, as you may have noticed."

Anders chuckled too, but with him, not at.

"And normally, if I'm to get drunk and go home with a stranger, it all goes a certain way," then he actually winked, which on him was somehow charming and not over the top at all. Anders swallowed again, "and, not that I'm opposed, but, well, as I said: you've been uncommonly kind. I could — I've been losing friends left and right lately, it seems, with this bill, and…"

"I'm a fan of the bill," Anders said, "in fact I'm not sure it goes far enough."

The interruption seemed to lend Dorian some more confidence, as though he needed it, "so, pretty as you may be, I could use a, uh —"

Anders blushed again, but finished for him, "a friend?" He could use one too, if he was being honest. Near everything seemed to be making him homesick, lately.

Dorian nodded. "If that's not too forward." He said.

"You fed my cat," Anders replied, "as far as I'm concerned, we're already friends."

At that, Dorian smiled. He asked Anders his cat's name, and chuckled at the answer, and then they exchanged phone numbers and Anders stuck a little cat next to his own name as he entered it into Dorian's contact screen, which had him laughing even more. Anders offered to put the puking emoji next to Dorian's in return, but he insisted on a snake, because he “had a reputation to uphold”. Then Anders’ pager went off, and he groaned inwardly, wishing he could spend the day in the sun for once.

“Duty calls?”

Anders grimaced, and stood up. “Thanks for breakfast,” he said, meaning it. Dorian stood too.

“You should take the rest — actually, this may be awkard, but I think we’re going the same way.” His car. Of course.

“You’re going to have a small fortune to pay in parking tickets,” Anders realised, frowning.

“Oh that’s fine. I have one of those — big, actually.” he winked again, “very big.” Sweet Maker, he just never stopped.

Dorian insisted on a cab, and then he insisted on paying for it, and then he insisted on Anders taking the rest of their uneaten brunch items to store in the breakroom for his lunch, and then finally he was ready to let him go, with a promise to be in touch. He extended his hand for Anders to shake. Anders took it, holding fast with a sure grip, and then, drawn in yet again by those cool, sad eyes, he pulled Dorian’s arm towards him, and wrapped him up in a tight hug.

Dorian stumbled back afterwards, cheeks flush, eyes glinting with surprise. “What was that for?”

“Just seemed like you needed it,” Anders said.

Dorian was still blushing, and his smile warmed Anders’ own cheeks. “Suppose I did,” he agreed.

“Take care, Dorian.”

“As you say, doctor.”

#dorianders #dorian x anders #my fic #my writing #dorian #anders #modern au #alcohol cw #vomit cw #breakfast #this is too fun help #disaster boys

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thechampagnelovers · 3 years

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thoughts on each 1d member? not about the music, but about how you see them and how you feel about them

nony, this is an amazing question.

i wanna start by saying they’re all very talented musicians and the nicest people in the music industry and they all deserve good things in life. this is my personal opinion on how i see them portrayed by social media/general public/the fandom.

I’m gonna start with Zayn. I think he’s madly talented (maybe a little bit more so than the rest of the boys) but he’s inevitably gonna drag all his past with him forever (not only because he left yk, but the fact that he’s the only no-white person out of ot5 has already condemned him, bc the music industry is racist :) ) and that must unmotivate him so much. also the fact that he was so overworked in 1d that he literally can’t be on stage again just infuriates me so much, if anyone has to sue s*mon is zayn. he deserves so much better, but i hope he’s happy and i hope he knows we love him and we’ll follow him to the end of the world. I want to hear him sing about love, about his baby, about his art and his cute little farm. i want to see him happy.

Liam: everyone is so quick to dismiss Liam and his feelings. He always shows himself very happy and his managment always tries to sell him on the sex appeal side and it’s so easy to miss whats really underneath all that. Liam has faced mental health problems that led him to substance abuses. he was a father at only 23. none of you know how YOUNG that is to be a father. he has battled his problems and has found a healthy way out of them and that takes so much ENERGY and it’s so painful to do. recovering is so hard, and not everyone makes it. Liam has been through a lot and people don’t realise it (but that’s because we don’t hold the same standards to all of them oops)

Harry......... I respect him a lot, because he said “fuck it, im gonna do what i want, sing what i want, dress like i want and im not gonna hear anything you have to say about it” and he took that approach because EVERYONE has an opinion on him and ughhhhh that must be so annoying tbh. ngl tho, the fact that he’s so distanced with his fans doesnt sit right with me, but i have a feeling it’s because of how toxic many of them are (im talking about stalkers and crazy het harries here) so i get it, although it makes me a little sad for the good fans. In many regards i feel like post-1D zayn and harry are very similar but the only difference is that harry is white lol, and that is why they’re treated so differently by everyone (and probably the reason Z is mad at him because he knows thats true)

Louis: remember what i said about not holding the same standards for all the 1d boys? Louis is what I meant. When everyone is so quick to dismiss liam’s story and trauma, on the other hand the only thing people seem to talk about louis is about his family and what he went through. we all love louis but i cant help but feel like many people (and many stans) feel pity for him, and louis would HATE that. Louis is the strongest person i’ve seen and a clear example of not letting fame get in your head, and all his life experiences (even before he became famous) made him that way. I feel like people struggle to see Louis without another lense that’s not “poor boy, he’s been thought a lot” when in fact we are more than our experiences and our losses. i feel especially drawn to him bc we both come from very similar families and both our families have gone through similar experiences, and that’s why it infuriates me when people can’t see beyond it.

lastly, Niall. it’s no surprise niall is my fav and i’ll try my best to be as objective as i can. that being said, niall is truly, out of all of 1D, who has made it almost intact. what i mean is, niall has managed to make a name for himself as an artist without dragging with him all the dramas and bullshit from the past. and you know how did that happen? he didnt have dramas from the past, BECAUSE HE WAS THE MOST UNDERRATED 1D MEMBER. From day 1 they made niall feel out of place and like he wasnt enough, he was pushed down in every way possible. all the boys always felt protective of niall because he always got the worst part and was made fun of. if you’re not a niall stan you might not know this but niall was planning on releasing “this town” on SOUNDCLOUD. MILLIONAIRE NIALL HORAN, A BOY WHO WON THOUSANDS OF AWARDS AND SOLD OUT THOUSANDS OF ARENAS WORLDWIDE WAS GONNA RELEASE HIS MUSIC ON SOUNDCLOUD LIKE HE WAS A UNKNOWN RAPPER. that itself has to show you how much they did dirty to him and how they fucked with his confidence. his solo career is amazing and stands out from the rest of 1d because it really was built from almost ground zero, because no one thought he could do it, not even himself. the same way i say i relate a lot to louis in a family perspective, i relate a lot with niall from a personality perspective. niall has a lot of confidence in himself but it was crushed down for the longest time, and now -as an adult- he’s recovering it, he’s learning to trust himself and trust his music. outsiders might think niall is over confident when in reality people like him (people like me) are really insecure underneath all our jokes, we fake it till we make it. i just love him a lot.

ask me my thoughts on anything

#this was a ride nony #i almost cried with louis and niall at the end lol #ask #personal

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apep40 · 3 years

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Just thinking about my favourite film and conceiving of some head canons for how the characters progressed after the films ending. So hers mine-

-Abby, like Elia in the book, turned Owen almost right away not wanting to see someone she loved age and die.

-As a shout out to vampire folklore Owen is rather uncomfortable when passing over bodies of water, due to being traumatized after nearly being drowned in the pool. The first few times he even had flashbacks.

-Also, due to his alcoholic yet rather hypocritically religious mother he would hate christian iconography.

- He deeply enjoys his powers, especially the ability to fly. To the ability he actually becomes more skilled than Abby in some of them due to wanting to explore and experiment with his abilities while Abbys had fallen into a rout over the centuries. His favourite, after flying, was super-strength after a lifetime of being weak and frail.

- Due to his obsession with space he tried flying out of earths atmosphere and spend the rest of the night pouting when he realized he couldn't.

-The massacre at the pool became a major media story. Especially when it became obvious that kenny and his friends were in the middle of attacking Owen before being ripped apart, leading to a lot of speculation about what exactly happened to owen and where his body was.

- It also came out how horribly Owen was abused by his classmates and how the school did nothing to protect him. It caused a lot of sympathy to be directed to owen, which did nothing but annoy him since it was much too late to be of any benefit to him

- Owen and Abby left america and traveled to parts of the world where it was dark and the nightes were long like Canada or Russia or Scandanvia. At Owens insistence because he hated america after everything that had been done to him there. Also because Mr.Zoric was the only adult who treated him with respect and kindness and he was european.

- His first few kills were people who reminded him of Kenny and his friends.

- Owens mom and dad almost went insane when they heard what happened, with no body as closure torturing them even more. They both felt especially guilty when they found out how he was being horribly bullied. They both went on television to claim how their baby wasnt dead and they pleaded with both Owens assumed captors to let him go and Owen himself to forgive them for being so neglectful and cruel to him. Again it was much too late from owens perspective.

-Despite having all of abbys powers Owen would still be rather meek and shy, at times. To the point hed be absurdly intimated by people he could rip apart like paper.

-He would also keep forgetting he could no longer consume anything but blood. It would be a sort of running gag that he thought he could cheat and eat just one now or later sweet before realizing that, no, he couldnt and would violently vomit.

-On a related note he would lose alot of social norms like Abby had surprisingly quickly, since hes living a nomadic life with only Abby for company and he was always a bit odd and awkward. Plus he wants to emulate her. Like going barefoot and not having much of a nudity taboo since he doesnt need clothes for protection from the elements. To the point of going naked like Dr.Manhattan in the snow when they live in rural areas.

- Since he lived in contemporary culture as a human unlike Abby he would often be the one to have to arrange transport or living arrangements like hotels. He would also be smart enough to pretend to still have human needs when staying around people. He would order room service so people wouldn’t be too curious why he and Abby were never seen eating, he would continue to wear thick winter clothes so not to alarm people when walking through a cold urban area

- Owen would get even paler due to his vampirism, which coupled with how pale and underweight he looked already as a human got him unwanted and embarrassing attention from concerned adults. Especially mothers who would fuss over him and give him maternal attention and concern he once would have killed for but simply irritated him now.

-Although he eventually learned to embrace his cuteness and used it to manipulate adults to make them think he was harmless, like abby did with the man in the tunnel. He would even make puppy dog eyes at people, which got him some light teasing from Abby.

@dyslexic-fool ive just thought of a few more

- Because of all the times he was attacked in enclosed spaces and held down by Kenny and his friends as they beat him he really hates tight spaces and he avoids lying in their trunk whenever possible. When he does Abby has to hold him so he doesnt get too upset.

-Maybe because ive read the much darker book but i think Owens fine features and frail body would work against him a few times. Like in some cases when hes trying to lure victims to eat it turns out hes attracted the attention of a pervert who thinks hes pretty and weak and try to cop a feel, which Owen would instantly put a stop to by efficiently snapping their necks. Most of the times. A few times Owen would have the misfortune of his ass being grabbed or being groped which would remove all inhibitions from Owen completely and he would rip them literally to bloody shreds, necessitating a very quick escape from both he and Abby.

-Abby herself would be awkward at times, since Owens the first person who was her equal since she was human and the first person she was romantically attracted to ever.

-coupled with how unaware she is of modern social norms and she would do rather odd things around him. Like staring at him when he undresses ( as a reflection to his voyeurism he displayed in the film, which he would have abandoned at that point because he was no longer alone)

-The one power Owen wouldnt be interested in learning would be telepathy, because Owen wouldnt want Abby learn about his private thoughts ( like his fantasies about killing Kenny) or embarrassing memories like the times Kenny hurt him so much he wet himself and hes a misanthropic who thinks all adults are stupid and evil and he wouldnt want to learn their thoughts.

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jakeperalta · 3 years

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I really like your post about those lyrics. Recently her reflecting on the bad times has been very relatable to me and it makes her seem more real and honest.When you go thru something like that, from one of my experiences..it never really goes away and a lot of the time you can still remember how it felt even if you dont feel like that anymore. It amazes me that some people just see it as her whining or whatever when it's a normal thing to go thru. Also though..in one of your quizzes..you said that Cardigan isnt a romantic song..but more of a breakup or something like that and I cant believe people can have completely different views of a song. I don't totally connect it to the love triangle so maybe that's why but it's still a very romantic song to me. Before we even heard the song and got some lyrics..once in Twenty lifetimes and the Cardigan lyric..I always connected it to how Taylor probably felt when she disappeared. The Cardigan lyric itself is especially important to me as someone who has depression. The lyrics are about all of her memories..mostly good things and her regret about not knowing

Sorry I accidentally sent the last ask when i wasnt done so this is continuing and just reply to this one I guess. But it's about how she couldnt have known what was gonna happen but she believed in it anyway...that's why it says I knew you all those times. One reason I dont connect it with the love triangle is cuz the breakup is something that doesnt really seem chosen by her but other circumstances. So either they have to break up cuz the guy is leaving for college or maybe the person unexpectedly died or possibly committed suicide..this is where the bridge comes in..haunt all my what ifs..chasing shadows..she screams I knew everything when I was young cuz she thought she knew everything but she didnt or couldnt..she or he made the wrong choices that led to their fate. Its about more of a loss than a breakup in my opinion but it could just be how I relate to it.Okay so I have recently read a book called If He Had Been With Me that fits really well with a lot of songs from Folklore so maybe that's why. Basically it's about this boy and girl who grew up together and were always supposed to be together and their story..it tells you in the first paragraph that he dies so it's not really a spoiler. Actually when I first heard Coney Island I connected it to this book too. I have a link to this book if you are interested but I hate recommending books in case the person doesnt like it lol. But anyway, Cardigan is an important song to me and it can have many meanings so I hate that someone called it just a breakup song..nothing about it seems that way to me..I actually feel the same way about August.so that's probably why I dislike Betty so much..it has no other meaning, but Cardigan is probably in my top 10 Taylor songs and is the best of the three in my opinion. Sorry for this rant..idek if that was your quiz cuz I took a few different ones but it's always weird to me that people can see it so differently.

oh yeah i saw that quiz question about cardigan! i think of it as sort of both a romantic song and a breakup song because there’s some really sad parts about heartbreak like “i knew you, leaving like a father” and “i knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs” but it’s also very romantic in a lot of ways, like “your heartbeat on the high line, once in twenty lifetimes” is so 🥺 i also totally connected the main cardigan line with 2016 and feeling unwanted/damaged. i can really see where you’re coming from with it being more of a loss than a breakup, there is definitely a sense of it being out of her control and it sort of feels like it goes deeper i guess. i think one of the things that makes it such a great song is how it has so many layers to it and you can sort of take from it what you need/want! the same goes with august to an extent in that it’s also a bit more focused on a feeling than an event so it can have like a lot of meanings/interpretations. whilst i do love betty, i get where you’re coming from because that does 100% feel like it was written for the love triangle as opposed to sort of exploring the ideas of love/loss/memory etc that you get in cardigan and august.

also just looked up that book on goodreads and it looks so good! i’ve added it to my tbr list!

#Anonymous #answered

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brucespringsteen · 4 years

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there's something that ive always been really thinking about when i listen to bruce and there's a tenderness, a vulnerability, and i think thats why i have such an attraction toward him and his lyrics. like there's something about it when im this little nobody kid who cant even fathom herself and i suddenly feel like im somebody, something, and that even the tiny things in my world can be beautiful. did you have a similar experience when discovering bruce/ what was it that drew you in?

oh man i did! this is a sweet observation and pretty much every bruce fan i’ve talked to has a story like this…

i think bruce’s gift to universalize is what makes his music so enduring. i dont think relevance or relatability are necessary ingredients to good art. those alone can be very gimmicky and at worse a caricature. also saying art speaks to everybody or people are entitled to interpretation can erase its urgency and attention to something thats been overlooked…that can actually be dangerous (born in the usa) but i think bruce combats that in his writing that very well.

bruce universalizes subjects like redemption, triumph, pain, love, friendship, things that are necessary to make a group of people into a community. maybe i’m being defensive that i don’t believe he does it in a populist fashion. he’s very blunt in his storytelling, but its the underlying motifs that forge a common bond with his listeners.

springsteen’s america on the surface level really does look like it would exclude people like me. even going to a springsteen show and being one of the only brown ppl in the audience reflects that. but the universal aspect and inclusivity of his music isnt hard to understand once you’ve heard his music. hes making everyday ordinances seem larger than life. and working class struggles aren’t only the plight of white men, not now or historically. (not to get on a tangent but darkness could be a companion to stone butch blues)

with bruce the line between people who change the world and the people who keep the world turning is blurred. growing up i thought i’d have to choose but bruce makes those things that are so close to you heroic because in his world everything is necessary and deliberate. i love that… that urgency is what originally drawn me to his music.

also i love bruce’s kind of faith. it’s different than the faith i was taught. bruce’s faith included promise and forgiveness and NOT passive abandonment like every other soul sucking thing in my young life. bruce’s faith required something from me but of him too and he really lives up to it and pushes u to be better. and that’s my favorite part of his live shows… because it wasnt until after i saw him that i became a real fan

as a teen he really did assure me that not only do i deserve to be here (my town, this country, the world) but it felt like bruce gave me the permission to dream and the room to free. and while i love him for opening the up world to me it really is a challenge 🤧💕

#ty ty i went on like 6 tangents

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littlebabycrybtch · 4 years

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oh my god regs stop claiming old identities to excuse being a bigot now. idc if u thought you were ace or trans or nonbinary, if you Admit that you arent now and openly Hate and Reject these identities, you no longer get to have a relevant attachment to it and parade it around like a trump card. even though you thought you were, you are not actually that identity. you are saying this yourself. so this shit doesnt count for anything. you may have used the labels and been in the community, you may have had vague experience with it, and thats fine to talk about and see it as something personal, but you dont get to be vocal about it as if you are Still There or relate with it. thats an offense to the people that are actually that identity i mean, you wholeheartedly admit you literally Arent Us but you’re still trying to talk over us? FOR us? lol no, you dont get to pretend you saw the corruption of an identity you literally didnt have, and odds are the reason you felt uncomfortable was bc you fucking admit you were not actually that identity. like. of course you’re going to be uncomfortable when you get your identity wrong and are unknowingly in the wrong environment. how much more simple could this be. you made a mistake and are unfairly blaming others for it.

cis ppl dont get to be vocal about the trans community bc they questioned their gender previously, non aces dont get to talk for the aspec community, binary trans people dont even get to have opinions on nonbinary trans people, what you may see inside these communities is automatically skewed once you can look back and realize you were not actually one of them. you need to acknowledge this. to be specific ig, internalized homophobia has to be fought on all social levels but is still in the end a completely personal based problem and therefore cis gay people you are on the most basic level like everybody else responsible for your own misunderstandings of yourself and these other identities, and most importantly, you have to recognize that you have the ability to DAMAGE them when you are trying to talk about them but confess you dont actually see yourself in them. if you change your identity you change your community, end of story. you dont get to keep talking about the old one like its evil of them that you chose to be in it out of ignorance. idk like. i saw a terf blog just this Morning that called themself a ‘de-transitioning trans woman / gay man’ and. i am just so Tired of this shit like not to be blunt but no you are not you are a hateful cis guy who had some trouble figuring out ur identity and to hate trans women now makes you a transphobe no matter what your past was like bc you are cis NOW. yall you dont get to just. collect up a bunch of identities so you can hold onto them and feel you can talk abt any issue without listening to others and be free from criticism like even broadly you have to pick Something here and i think when you decide to Hate an old identity you’ve made it clear which side you’re on. you are not the same as the people in these groups, there was always a distinction between you and them, you admit this, you agree with this, so stop acting like you get it. stop using YOUR mistakes and misunderstandings against harmless minorities. again, im not saying if you de-transition or change label you cant talk about your old experiences but... once you realize the truth about yourself, all your experiences with that prior identity are inherently personal and not community ones now bc You were the person that was in the the wrong One and you are switching for a Reason so its not ‘your community’ anymore and frankly, never was. you were always looking at it as someone who wasnt really a part of it, for the love of god, use some brains and recognize that

#sorry to be long and harsh but tldr 'i hate this identity bc i used to think i was it but it turned out i wasnt' well that explains it #you are openly admitting you misunderstood it or misunderstood yourself of course you didnt enjoy your time there #thats how that works now be an adult and stop blaming this situation that only you can truly affect on other people lmao

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wwounu · 5 years

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mafia!soonyoung “HOSHI” #2232111

↻ masterlist — intro￤s.coups￤yoon￤hong￤wen￤hoshi￤jeon￤woozi￤dk￤kim￤xu￤boo￤chwe￤lee

drift racer

leader of Perficio Unit

seventeen’s sort of chauffeur

the reason why seungcheol knows his way around streets? this guy.

his obsession with wanting to be a racer started all because of akira

the first moment his little four year-old eyes laid on it, it was love at first sight sparkly eyes, agape mouth, sparkles everywhere and everything

he’d watch the opening scene over and over again and never get tired of it

the thrill and dynamic of it all, how one single moment is never boring, daring to do the most insane of things

action and spy movies were his getaway from the world solely for the car chases

soonyoung wanted that

but as he grew older he realised that life wasn’t really like anime

real life was spent on eating and dumb exams he’d spend the night before cramming information

life got in the way of what his dreams, but racing was still close to his heart, even if that meant sneaking out of the house at night to attend drift races

and he wanted to race so badly the moment he stepped foot but there was one condition sixteen year old soonyoung couldn’t meet:

he had to have a car

quite obviously... he didn’t have a car, let alone was legal to drive

still, he kept attending often to watch the cars drift and race

but the more he stayed, the more he felt downhearted that he cant go on the track himself

so what does he do?

steal a car

truthfully it wasn’t ‘stealing’ as he found a busted car in a dump and called dibs because there was no name

problem two, the car needed repairing

and with the little money this teen had, soonyoung had to steal his family’s toolbox and learn how to repair the car himself

his life was currently: sleeping, eating, failing tests, sneaking out to drift races, failing more tests and trying to learn how the heck to repair a car

it took him two months to put the car in decent shape, which felt longer than it did since soonyoung had to also test the car’s stability

meaning soonyoung had to learn how to drive and that was an experience in itself

he was more worried that once he started to drive that the joy of it would fade away

but did it? hell no

soonyoung: 1 world: 0

on the bright side, he was proud of himself when he finally finished the car — he called it hurricane because the rust looked like tiny raindrops

his first race (that he sneaked in to join) ended up with him going home with way more money than he thought

despite lying about his age, he finally found home on the tracks — and the highlight of the night being driving away from the cops

gets a rush from driving, adrenaline pumps in his blood

seungcheol was an acquaintance of soonyoung’s during their highschool years, but hadn’t spoken until their senior year just before seungcheol left as the leader found out about his drift races

which only happened because soonyoung was sleep-talking about it during a library meet-up for a paired presentation they needed to do

soonyoung would always talk about his races to the male, usually bragging how tired he was because he had a fun crazy night, then crying over the bad mark he got on his paper shortly after

he even took seungcheol on a late night ride around his hometown to tour all places in that single night seungcheol was scared out of his mind at how fast he was driving, but soonyoung doesn’t need to know that

sadly, they lost contact when seungcheol disappeared

which is why seungcheol was begging jeonghan to find soonyoung and recruit him

jeonghan, being the way he is, played hot and cold with his begging friend for a while before eventually saying FINE when seungcheol didn’t talk for him to two weeks

he drags himself to the location seungcheol told him to go becuase it was apparently the place soonyoung races in

disguises himself with a very big hoodie and mask so he wouldn’t be recognised, but that wasn’t a problem because the area was more packed than jeonghan expected

for illegal racing, it was sure popular

question was, who the hell is soonyoung

got bored after two seconds so he wandered around and tried to find someone who didn’t look like they wanted to hunt him down or weird him out

struck up a conversation with a guy who was occupied on his phone, sending cartoon bunny images to a chat named famalam jeonghan snorted at the stupid name

he also noticed that the guy was leaning on a car with 1010 harshly engraved on it, but ignored that

soonyoung, on the other hand, was minding his own business that night, mainly more excited than usual since his parents were out of town which meant he was guilt-free about sneaking out tonight

he also wanted to try out his new hand-painted, shiny red car, not forgetting the small design he was trying out for the first time

but before he could get on the track, someone approached him — a really strange approach — yet thought that he could have some time talking with this person to be on time for the race

as the announcer was warning the two minute start before the race, his eyes lit up and made his way inside the car and silently prayed that it was fully working before twisting the key and hearing the sweet sound of it starting up

cooly, he says ‘thats my cue’ to the stranger

just as he was going to leave, the stranger asks his name

soonyoung smiles, revving his engine whilst the announcer counts down for dramatic effect

‘soonyoung. kwon soonyoung’

and he zooms off within seconds, hollering when the cars are moving on the track and his joins along, placing himself first place in a few seconds

jeonghan owed seungcheol an apology.

doubtless, soonyoung won, getting his money just in time before the blue and red lights could be seen

he was about to leave up until he saw the stranger he talked unaware of where to go, a bit panicked

wanting to be the hero, he offered him a ride and luckily escaped from the cops

the man, which introduced himself as jeonghan, thanked him once soonyoung took him to a local 24-hour diner, munching on a celebratory sundae with his prize money

he offered jeonghan some, but jeonghan refused but what monster refuses sundaes?

the rest of the story basically is soonyoung seeing jeonghan once again during his races, apparently having an urgent problem that he had to attend to

which made soonyoung offer to drive him to this location, missing out the race at least that meant someone other than him could be the winner

stepping on it, soonyoung drove as fast as he could to the place jeonghan needed to go to asap jeonghan didnt expect for soonyoung to give him whiplash

and when soonyoung realised he was stepping foot in a dark, eerie building, he figured that it was too late to call quits

his active mind thought jeonghan was an undercover murderer, ready to cut soonyoung’s limbs to sell them to the black market and ship them to germany, he wasn’t ready for his arms to be shipped to germany-

‘SEUNGCHEOL IS THAT YOU?!’

and like that, he joined seventeen without any hesitation

never thought of being a real drift racer for a mafia

just thought his racing days would be a illegal hobby to him

soonyoung was also an icon within the drift racing community, so he was sad when he was told that he couldn’t attend every night anymore because he’s in a mafia and ‘seventeen is supposed to be undercover, butthead’

soonyoung giggled at minghao saying butthead

his collection of cars wasnt too bad, but there weren’t any to make people go thats one cool dude with a cool car

joshua lets soonyoung use his cars since he personally doesnt drive that confused soonyoung and it surprised soonyoung because his many many cars was like a utopia

he’s proud of his character development from ‘running away from police all the time’ to ‘running away from the police with better and fancier cars’

so far soonyoung has broken twenty and counting

and lost sixty-three... and counting

knows how to hijack cars through his repairing experience

hijacks cars whenever he gets the chance to aka all the time

and during whole-group jobs, he trots to the parking lot with chan because he’s dragged to these things to inspect the cars and cherry-pick which is the most worthy to steal

but if other cars catches his eye, he leaves an engraving of 1010 with a metal object

in regards to 1010, he makes sure all of the cars joshua he owns has 1010 nicely engraved on it because he deserves to be treated as a prince

always sometimes can’t help himself when he sees a shiny new car, he just has to get it

practices doing donuts with those cars in spare time

“soonyoung what’s this”

“the lambo veneno! a beauty!”

“which you broke into”

“i left an apology note!”

“YOU STILL STOLE A CAR”

“but-”

“THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH SOONYOUNG GODDAMMIT”

Perficio Unit has to watch over their leader because leader unit have given up on him

although he seems cheerful with his members, he can get angry easily

wont hesitate to run someone over

doesnt take it lightly when he’s shunned by others as being stupid and purposely crashes into their car if he’s feeling like it

as for his members, he cant stay angry for too long, but is the type to flip his personality around them or usually leave the room when they’re in there

he’ll then think how stupid he’s acting and apologise himself, talking to that member about what went wrong and where they can build up on it

also buys them something because he feels bad, like that gold bracelet he got for mingyu or the ugly gucci slippers he got for minghao

when he takes lead of their mission, his speeches are usually race-related or metaphorised using racing-terminology

no one understands what he means

is in charge of getting the call when his members need a pick up and he’s there within a snap, blasting music when they jump in and he drives off as they shoot the rivals following them

when it comes to leading his unit, he doesn’t have much to do since they understand each other perfectly and get on with the work — it’s soonyoung who needs to control himself

can sometimes go too far by getting too tipsy on the wine and Perficio Unit play rock paper scissors on who looks after him jun usually loses

loves heists especially when he’s chosen to lead them

seventeen avoid doing the typical bank or jewellery heists, but heist upperclass families/mafias that have had dirty business with seventeen

because of this, soonyoung plans way way way in advance about recreating the best car chases he sees in movies

not akira level, because nothing can come close to that masterpiece

therefore, the most weird things happen during this and seventeen just have to go with seeing sudden explosions and inserts of wild animals coming into the chase

Perficio Unit cannot believe that this is their leader, but sadly, it is

vernon supports his ideas and helps him to live out his dream by planning the explosions at the right time and making sure the fire that spreads spells out HOSHI when authorities come to report on the area

minghao, being the one with braincells, stabs a knife through the newspaper with its headline regarding a fire-spread the night previous

soonyoung is snaked out by vernon that exact moment the male confronts him

minghao isnt surprised

is probably the only one who still connects with his family

they aren’t aware about his new mafia life — nor the fact he’s been sneaking out since sixteen to join drift races — but he isn’t letting go of his family

his family had never been stable with money ever since childhood, and it was because of soonyoung’s reward money that they moved and are living safely in thailand

has to take care of them because they worked so hard for him and he can only return the favour this way, even if it involves with blood in his hands

but if his family find out about the mafia, he doesnt know what to do — seventeen mean so much to him as well

and he can’t choose sides between his family or seventeen

though, he has his future planned out already

one day he hopes to reunite with his family in thailand permanently to begin a life of farming

by that time he’d already have enough from his drifting days and seventeen to live comfortably, spending it carefully now that he’s an old person because old people are mature with their money

would gather up his grandkids ‘little stars’, he calls them to tell stories about how grandpapa hoshi would speed off away in cars from explosions with the help of his best friends

and his children would laugh at how silly he’s sounding while the grandkids’ eyes shine like his and his partner glances at him too, chuckling quietly

even his grandkids enjoy akira too!

well, his kids tell them off for making them watching something graphic, so he lets his grandkids settle with cars 2

but he’ll never raise his children and grandkids to be like him, or live in his lifestyle because even though it’s fun, it’s dangerous, so he gets overprotective with his little stars and scolds his children when they arent doing something right, even if it’s minor

a very naggy and cheerful grandpapa

doesn’t talk much about his past when his kids ask because it’s not important to him anymore since his family comes first, but when he thinks about it later he does admit it was the biggest part of his life for him and his partner is well aware of that too, keeping the secret safe too

and again, there’ll be one day where he’s sat, looking up into the sunset of his farm as the crops grow

his grandchildren are playing with their new puppy while his kids are preparing dinner

suddenly, he’s smiling to himself

he thinks about his life, the cool things he’d done, the stupid things he’d done, about his adventures, about seventeen

his mind lingers on seventeen, wondering how they’re doing — maybe they should meet again, like they do every year — ask seungcheol how his grandson is taking the business, or if chan fulfilled his dream of travelling the world

and he swears he could see their silhouettes in the far distance, beckoning him over to come

soonyoung does

and he feels young again

“A line for reaching to the beloved ones”

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slutaktion · 4 years

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oh man that was the more important part. Ok I'll try to summarize again. So as a teenager I sadly made out and even had sex with a lot of strangers. I dont exactly know why I did it but it always left me feeling horrible afterwards. I felt dirty and like I had let myself get used. I stayed away from dating a long time but now I fell in love with this boy (i am girl btw) and even sex with him feels this way. I talked to him and he understand but I'm not sure what to do now

(2/2) how yo move past this. My parents are divorced and my family is messed up so I never really got to see a loving relationship growing up. I have been thinking about going to therapy but I dont know if that is possible. I guess I was just wondering of any of you have any ideas how to stop connecting sex to feeling like I let myself get used by someone else. Or idk maybe some of you can relate in any way

hey anon!

first, rest assured - its absolutely possible to move past sexual trauma like the kind youre describing. im guessing youre still young, & i can guarantee it doesnt stop there. theres a lot you can do from here.

first, a bit of context - i can actually relate to your story a lot. when i was a teen i had a few sexual encounters with older men i didnt know at all and it left me feeling.. well, best way i can describe it is like a slab of meat. i really didnt feel like a person. ill probably talk about these experiences another time but it could be really upsetting so ill avoid it rn.

ive had relationships since then, and dealing w my relationship to sex has been a whole trip. i think now, though, i can say im okay. heres why:

1. i only get into sexual encounters when i want to be having them. i engage, and i dont go along with anything i dont want. if i dont want something done to me, then i wont let it be done. that wasnt something i had control over as a teenager. when i said “stop”, there was no guarantee itd stop. when i said “i dont want you to do this”, the guy i was with would still try to do it. as a result ive found it really important… first not to sleep with random guys again, which isnt your problem here. but also, with partners i know, to establish clear boundaries before anything happens, to have communication, and to make sure the person understands what they can or cant do. basically: you need to have a talk about what youre okay with or not. and that means…

2. you need to figure out what youre okay with or not! getting back into a sex life with men, i realized one thing: i wont bottom. i dont want to, the thought of doing it makes me feel bad. right now i wont do it. maybe in the future i will - maybe i never will again. that means i dont want someone to finger me, i dont want someone to eat me out, and i dont want someone to fuck me. those are clear boundaries i have and that must be established with partners. those boundaries will depend on the person. ive known trauma survivors who, at the inverse of me, are incapable of taking charge during sex and need to be lead and guided by a partner. for me, i need to take a role of being in control.

if youre a woman who wants to have sex with a man, you (and him too) may have a lot of preconceptions about what that means. the truth is: if your partner has a penis, it doesnt need to penetrate you. if you have a vagina, he doesnt have to touch it with his hands, or with any other part of his body. you dont have to remove any item of clothing you dont want to. you dont have to perform anything you dont feel like performing. and you can still enjoy sex and intimacy if you figure out what youre comfortable with and what you want to be doing and remove anything that isnt okay.

it doesnt have to be forever; maybe you need to start out with specific boundaries and then you can move past them with time, when youre comfortable and able to trust your partner fully. maybe you wont, and those are the things you want to be doing and nothing else. no matter what, you have every right to your boundaries.

3. all of this means: i realized i had full agency over the kind of sex i have and what happens.

making decisions about what happens during sex, taking charge, and even putting myself in a position of control where im leading the sex and im the one pleasuring my partner, also means i never feel like sex is something thats just being done to me. i dont feel like a tool being used for someone elses pleasure. or a slab of meat. my view of sex is no longer something men perform upon me, but its an intimate moment where i take care of my partner. knowing that internally has absolutely helped. but sometimes its hard to know that internally.

4. you may not have processed the trauma. sex may be triggering a trauma response in you. in that case: yes, therapy can help. if you can have therapy, id absolutely recommend you try it. however if you cant go to therapy, its not the end of the world. truth be told? ive never been able to discuss my sexual trauma in depth with a therapist. theres just never been enough trust in a relationship between me & a therapist to where i felt comfortable describing what happened. but a lot of dealing with trauma in therapy isnt really the fact that youre talking about it to a therapist - its that youre talking about it. so if youre able, id say talking about what happened, how you felt, your fears now, etc to a trusted loved one can help. it can be a friend, a partner - if theres someone you feel comfortable talking to & you trust to listen, that could be them. talking to anyone can already be a huge help.

a therapist can help you figure out coping mechanisms & generally will be trained to handle trauma more than a loved one will be but it doesnt mean the help of your community isnt relevant.

5. finally, if you just cant get sex to feel better - if sex is a chore, if sex always feels awful, if sex reinforces trauma - its okay to not have sex. you dont owe sex to anyone. if you dont want to have sex, or the harm that having it will bring you outweighs any desire, then you dont have to have it. it doesnt make you broken or unworthy or anything else. youre allowed to not want sex.

hope it helps

-rezki

hi anon!

i don’t have similar experiences to yours, but as someone who used to (and sometimes still has) have a very hard time voicing boundaries, something that can really help is to agree to a safeword and to what it means exactly. obviously if you say ‘no’, ‘stop’, ‘give me a minute’ etc they should still be respected, but sometimes it’s easier to blurt out, idk, “coconut”, than to say “i need to take a break but i would like your emotional support”. make sure to give yourself some time to feel better and then try to talk through what happened.

best of luck xx

-lilacs

#Anonymous #sex after trauma #boundaries #safe words #m/f #rezki #lilacs #long post

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