Tumgik
#ever hurt me in the first place
of-mutts-and-men · 5 months
Text
I’m not meant to work I’m meant to be part of a werewolf pack and be so very eepy and snuggly with all the other omegas in a big cozy nest all day >:((
177 notes · View notes
lunarharp · 1 year
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
some illustrations/vibes from my uhh 29k memory trauma/disability focus orufrey fic, into the deep end.
47 notes · View notes
zukosdualdao · 1 month
Text
having some thoughts about zutara + renegade. specifically thinking about “you’ve come a long way, open the blinds, let me see your face, you wouldn’t be the first renegade to need somebody” and katara trying to bond with zuko by teasing him in teip or by bring out what she thought was his baby picture and being the one to invite zuko into the group hug in sozin’s comet, you know… because i am so normal.
10 notes · View notes
soldier-poet-king · 4 months
Text
U know when u reach that point of mentally unwell that it's like, u realize it's stupid and dumb and your (mal)adaptive coping mechanisms and inbuilt trauma responses aren't helpful and aren't logical and you're complete aware of this and yet can't eradicate it and it's so frustrating and in some way you're more upset about not being able to force ur brain into being normal and stop being Like That, than you are upset about whatever thing happened in the first place
13 notes · View notes
quietwingsinthesky · 3 months
Text
i am not immune to making Terrible Evil Bastard Man get attached to a stubborn feral child and having to carry her around when she inevitably gets tired during time travel adventures
10 notes · View notes
dent-de-leon · 2 months
Text
The sea always welcomes him. Sunlight dapples soft cresting waves, the last rays of dawn dashed upon the jagged rocks and burning shores. He can just catch the faint shimmer of scintillating scales deep beneath the murky waters. Frilled dorsal fins breaking tide, barely skimming the surface. 
Kingsley hangs onto the railing and leans over the edge. He always did like to peer too far into the deep, straining to gaze past the bleeding red tide on a Ruidus flare night. The Eyes were red too. Nine of them. Always staring, ever watching, gawking back at him in unblinking silence, phantom mirages of a red moon haze. The sight of those ghastly crimson eyes stirs something in his once dead heart, a voracious hunger from long ago. The numbing ache of all consuming Emptiness.
He hears whispers. Snatches of slithering words, an otherworldly hiss in some primal, ancient tongue from when the gods still walked this world.
Gustav’s caravan was a dazzling array of color in the bleak, dreary isles of Darktow. Peeling paint of silver moons and golden stars, tinkling little crystals and curious baubles dangling from the roof, all clattering together in a lilting chime. And he always kept the swaying lantern lit, even on nights when Kingsley was far from home. Even when there was hardly any oil left to burn. (The whalers don’t come to Darktow anymore, Desmond says. “They’re all dead, hunted down just like the whales,” someone who looked not quite like Desmond said.) 
“I made a deal with the devil,” he joked once, with a wry grin that was far too grim. 
Kingsley passes a handful of gold coins to Gustav over drinks, and his showman’s smile wavers in the harsh firelight. 
“Where’d you get all that, lad?”
“You know, here and there. Been shipping crates for Fjord. Go up to that wizard for trade some nights. The money’s been good, enough to get by. Might even be able to buy a real ship soon.” 
He doesn't mention the shadows that stalk Fjord's ship, the crates of cargo that vanish on moonless nights at high tide, swallowed by the starving sea. They always lose something, that shipping company. A crate of unmarked cargo. The first mate's ring. And on the last miserable job, one of King's very own tarot cards--not that the card itself was stolen, no. It was wiped clean, as though it had never been touched by ink. What was once the image of a smiling woman, her face beaming under the moonlight, warm and playful. Never to be seen again. The only remnant of her left was an empty title, the scrawling script in his own hand. The Maiden.
No matter how long he stared at the empty card, he could no longer remember her face.
He doesn't speak of the Hunger in the captain's eyes, or the temple lying forgotten in the depths.
Gustav’s keen stare makes his skin crawl—far too much like that damn wizard. The face of someone who knows you better than yourself, who can pick out a lie and pry it apart like a fish flayed alive. 
“You shouldn’t waste all your money on another man’s debts," he says, inflection cold and empty.
“We’re circus folk, and we stay together. Remember? You taught me that.” 
The haggard ringmaster reluctantly pockets his coin. And when King slips a bit more into his coat before bed, he mercifully doesn’t say a word. 
Kingsley sets off again at dawn, sailing back toward the one beacon he's drawn to again and again.
The Magician is beautiful. Kingsley was struck by those eyes from the moment they met—bright blue as the Lucidian Sea, lovely enough for the fairest merfolk to envy. His voice a soft, lilting calm of midmorning tide and warbling shallows, heartbreakingly gentle and trusting. 
The wizard’s tower is a phantom, a trick of the fog. It only appears on certain nights, emerging from the mists like a passing ship on the horizon. There one minute, vanishing into endless dark sea the next, swallowed up by the crash of void black waves. (There’s night, there’s darkness. And then there’s the vast emptiness of eternal abyss, when you set sail at the witching hour. It’s different, that hungry, pitch black nothingness. Darker, deeper; an all consuming, oppressive presence that blankets the whole world in suffocating silence. If you let the lights go out, there’s nothing. Just…nothing. Just you. Alone in the dark with whatever lurks beneath.)
The wizard is always waiting when he drops anchor and tosses his rope to the dock. Caleb keeps the lanterns lit for him from dusk til dawn. A copper kettle whistling beside an ancient cauldron, luxurious blankets and a warm bed. 
Kingsley remembers his first time stumbling upon the phantom manor, crashing into the dock amidst roaring thunder and torrential rain, a dead man washed ashore until the wizard found him. 
“Your vessel is in no condition to travel like this, and the storm will not let up for hours yet. I…I know I am a stranger to you, but. Please, stay for the night in my tower. I have plenty of room to spare, and…I swear it is far safer than taking your chances at sea.” 
“You’d let me wait out the storm for the night? What’s the catch?” 
“Nein. I don’t require any repayment, just—I have watched many foolish sailors perish on these waters, and I would rather not see you die on my watch.” 
Caleb waits for him at the edge of the water, a hand ready to haul him to shore, globules of light floating out to sea, flickering softly.
“Kept you waiting, did I?” King quips with a crooked grin, taking the hand at once. 
Even with his darkvision, he can't quite see the wizard flush. But it's an easy enough thing to imagine.
“Well? What did you bring me?” 
“I...found a book,” King says. 
Dark leather, decrepit pages. Bloodied, torn apart journal entries, chronicling a life lost at sea. Drawings of those nine red eyes, over and over, their omniscient, all seeing gaze boring into him night after night.
His skin crawls, itching and burning beneath the black leather gloves he never takes off. He hasn't let the Magician see the Eyes that brand his own skin. Not yet. It felt like revealing that would be...some kind of betrayal. Like the man with such gentle, haunted eyes would break if he knew the kind of person Kingsley really was. That some monster had walked in his skin before--and he himself had invited them in.
At the mention of that damned book, Caleb remains carefully neutral. Though King swears his eyebrows raise just a bit. How rare, to see his interest truly piqued. A spark of desire beyond the usual amusement at little baubles and trinkets.
“Oh? Well, there are many curiosities that get swept out to sea.”
"You'll buy it, right?" Moonweaver, he just wants to wash his hands of the damn thing. 
"Of course. Name your price--I assume it isn't coin." 
"You know me. I want something a little more interesting," Kingsley purrs, tail arching in a lax curl. 
A story, a song--and once, a stolen kiss, the wizard beaming as Kingsley pulled him in.
He remembers, faintly, the echos of a half forgotten dream. A deal with the witch, the fierce hunger in her eyes as she reached for her prize, a relic lost to the ages, begging to be reclaimed. A whispered promise between the soft rustle of turning pages, the allure of power beyond his wildest imagining, the stolen paradise that lies within eternal dreams. 
7 notes · View notes
adammilligan · 2 years
Text
adam is quite literally insane for being the only person to look at michael and think oh god i have to be gentle with him. i have to be so gentle with him
171 notes · View notes
the higher-ups (and Yaga) immediately trying to leverage Gojo & Ieri's absence to put Yuuta on the roster??? God that's such a stark moment. Thank god Nanami and Gojo saw through that one immediately, because Yuuta wants to justify his own survival so badly he would've fallen straight into it.
That whole scene, with Yuuta immediately jumping on the opportunity to help people even though something is Extremely Wrong with him and he's on the brink of physical collapse--this boy is selfless to the point of self destruction and I am chewing the drywall about it. I love him so much.
If only he was able to summon his newly found homicidal rage in defense of himself, the higher-ups would no longer be a problem. Alas, this boy is Extremely Unwell.
(Sea Glass Gardens is absolutely incredible and i am obsessed with it in a way that is totally and 100% normal. I'm so normal about it, trust me <3 )
The thing about Yuuta is that he really is prime to be taken advantage of right now and the higher ups know it. They had him try to kill himself for them--they know that there's a window of opportunity that they can use to get him under their thumb and avoid The Problem of Gojo, which is, namely, having a human weapon who you cannot fully control. Gojo nailed it from the beginning: they want a magic gatling gun with no personality or free will. They learned their lesson with Gojo and are trying to rob Yuuta of his agency before he learns how to protect himself.
And Yaga's part in that scene really was meant to kind of emphasize how, even with the best intention's, he just doesn't work to protect the kids. Like. everything he said was technically true, and he meant it with the best of intentions. He's the guy who has to think of everyone's needs. he has to manage this crisis. he's got a lot of people hurt badly who just came out of a war, and a lot of people going into fights with some very aggravated curses spawning without sufficient manpower to address the danger and no healer to save them if they cut it a little too close. He didn't have the intention of manipulating or sacrificing Yuuta, but he was aware that it would come to his detriment and risk.
The issue is the higher ups. They don't give a shit about the people in their workforce. They should be the ones doing whatever it takes to solve this crisis and save their people--and if that means giving up on their machinations? They should have already done it. It's their responsibility.
They just don't care. They want Okkotsu Yuuta under their thumb, and their society hemorrhaging is treated like an opportunity, not a dire problem to be solved. They don't care if half a dozen of their own people need to die to do it. Hell, it's better if they do die--they can put it straight on Okkotsu for not being willing to sacrifice himself, when they should have been making whatever promises they had to in order to make this work.
Gojo's done this before, is the thing. He was Yuuta, a long time ago. Nanami was right there watching it happen. They both know what the higher ups do: They let society get to a crisis level and put all the responsibility on you to save it. they let you maneuver yourself into a vulnerable position as a result, and then they use it as leverage to put their goddamn boot on your neck.
The thing is that Gojo adopting megumi all those years ago really did put them into a crisis state. the zenin pitched the mother of all bitch fits trying to secure his unconditional return, and they were a huge percentage of jujutsu society's labor force and resource pools. instead of the higher ups managing the problem at all, they took advantage of the situation and shoved more and more of its weight and responsibility onto gojo, until he was dropping off his own kid at his abusers' compound thinking it was the only compromise that could resolve things. megumi paid the price for gojo not calling bullshit, and right now, with him in a hospital bed? gojo's less willing to repeat mistakes than ever.
he knows that they're going to use the safety and suffering of everyone else as the leverage against him, and he knows that as terrible as it is, he cannot blink first. He's played this game before, and he knows that the only way to get the higher ups to back off on something like this is to dig in your heels.
I think what happened to Megumi all those years ago and how bad it got before they put a stop to it is something that haunts all three of them. When they first started raising him, they were very young, and they were very broken, and they loved him very, very much. He was their little boy, and he was never the same after the Zenin. They were supposed to protect him, and they didn't, and not a single one of them has forgiven themselves for that.
Megumi was sort of sacrificed for the greater good when he was a kid. None of them thought that that was what they were doing when it happened, but that's what happened. His happiness, safety, and wellbeing were sacrificed to pacify the Zenin and make it easier on everyone else.
Megumi and Tsumiki had to become their non-negotiables after. They had to become the things they refused to compromise on. The Zenin would take miles and miles if you gave them a millimeter, let alone an inch.
Gojo didn't think he was compromising them when he left them on their own to deal with Geto's war. They were disgustingly self-sufficient kids. They had been alone for longer stretches of time when they were practically toddlers--they should have been fine on their own for a couple of weeks.
But they were still his kids, and he still left them alone for everyone else's sake, and now his kid is blind and half dead in a hospital bed. It's like being punched in the face by old mistakes.
So they're off the roster completely, all of them. And they're not compromising an inch on what their focus is, and they're not letting anything happen to any of the other kids in their care.
It's terrible that their coworkers are suffering, but it wouldn't be happening if the Zenin hadn't fucked with Gojo Satoru's kid, of all the goddamn people. It wouldn't be happening if the higher ups would actually do their job and start managing shit.
And if they use Yuuta as an anxiety riddled bandaid on the bullet hole in their society? Then they'd be sacrificing him the way they sacrificed Megumi all those years ago. And they have never been less willing to do that.
I'm so so glad you like the story! Thank you for talking with me!
#i think gojo has such a big emphasis on giving kids the tools to protect themselves because no one ever did that for him or geto#geto snapped under the pressure and was lost to gojo forever#Gojo repeatedly focuses on giving the kids the tools to enjoy their childhood without being hurt#like with yuuji--he doesn't want him to sacrifice his youth and happiness with the others#so he focuses on giving him the strength to protect himself when gojo isn't there#in my mind that's also why gojo was always trying to feed yuuji the fingers#like when i first started the series it seemed kind of weird to me because gojo very obviously didn't want yuuji dead#until i realized that yuuji canonically had a good chance at suppressing sukuna even at 20 fingers as long as he had them spaced out#if yuuji had sukunas power level and had gotten it in increments eventually the higher ups couldnt touch him and hed still be under control#honestly none of the adults are doing well right now#a little under a decade ago the issue with the zenin came to a head and megumi ended up being very small and very hurt in a hospital bed#and they promised him that it would never happen again#now he looks very small and very hurt and he's in a hospital bed and the zenin put him there#as much as he's an angry teenager who hates displays affection he really is their little boy and they adore him#nanami was the one who took him from the zenin the final time all those years ago and he personally promised megumi that he would never eve#go back to that place. he feels like a complete failure right now.#gojo always blamed himself for not digging in his heels and refusing the custody compromise and now he's FURIOUS that this happened under#his nose a second time. i think gojos really interesting in the hero role because he's canonically low empathy and struggles with homicidal#impulses and let me tell you he thought about just killing all the zenin back then and he's REALLY thinking about it right now. there's one#fucking way of making sure this never happens again.#shoko generally feels like shit because this is supposed to be the one thing she can do to help and she /can't/ do it right now to help#megumi. also she privately thinks she had the most opportunity to realize how bad it was with the zenin back then and /didn't/.#she was going through a lot of her own issues back then and the zenin had some kind of believable excuses for why megumi was always banged#up. like. he was already getting into fights at school. its not like the zenin had issues procreating. they said he was picking fights#with other kids and that's where he got hurt. they actually blamed maki more than once. and some bruises here and there is expected for a#kid in combat training even at what was meant to be a very preliminary level. he was supposed to be in like. kiddie karate classes and they#didn't realize the zenin were training him like a fucking marine. it was SO obvious in hindsight and that tortures them.#protecting yuuta right now kind of feels like a chance to get it right the first time and all of them need that now that they feel like the#fucked it up with megumi a second time#sea glass gardens
18 notes · View notes
lith-myathar · 6 months
Text
.
#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior#ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing#but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day#i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else#and i didn't feel it happening#my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise#i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes#this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care.#eventually and inevitably i do damage.#and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better#not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that.#trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really#really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect#but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that.#but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated.#all i can ever think to do is isolate#*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist#or adjust my medication. god. im so tired.#why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then
10 notes · View notes
katierosefun · 5 months
Text
oh there's something particularly painful about my mister in that dong hoon tells ji an that as long as no one knows, it's no big deal, and there's something particularly painful about how ji an tells dong hoon that sometimes, i want [my secret] to play out on big screens for everyone to see, and there's something particularly painful about how the second dong hoon meets the loan shark tormenting ji an, he starts screaming and yelling about how she's just a kid, how could you do that to a kid, and there's something particularly painful about how dong hoon doesn't even let ji an know he did that, but ji an knows. she knows because she was listening in the entire time and she just starts crying because someone actually knows this ugly, sad part of her and still took her side, and something particularly painful about how my mister started with as long as no one knows, it's no big deal but really concludes with there is so much risk in having someone know who you are but there's also so much comfort and peace to be found in that, too and maybe you shouldn't isolate yourself and maybe you should reach for that kind of comfort in being known and loved anyways
#caroline talks#my mister#if this is incoherent. it should be#rewatched the first 2.5 episodes of my mister last night#felt like crying my eyes out the entire time tbh!!#every time i watch this show there's just something about it that hurts me more and more and there's something that makes the messages#in this show feel more and more relevant#idk. thinking a lot about when ji an talks about how sometimes she wishes. sometimes she wishes#that everyone knew what she'd done and what had been done to her.#something about how ji an can't ever bring herself to connect truly with another person because of how much she hates#the feeling of people realizing what her past looks like#and not wanting to withstand the pity and also horror. like. okay.#something about ji an sobbing by the bridge when she listens to dong hoon pummeling that loan shark guy#and how i used to always cry at that scene but now i tear up just thinking about it#because you know! there's that shock (that firstly: someone knows your miserable secret. and secondly: they're still on your side)#and then absolute heartache because you don't know what to do with that information. you didn't expect it.#you're sobbing at a bridge because someone knows who you are and someone knows the scars of your past and still gets angry and sad for you.#and you still feel like you don't deserve it because you know deep down you are not a very good person (or so you tell yourself).#and. oughough. lee ji an holds such a place in my miserable little heart
17 notes · View notes
angelmush · 1 year
Text
feeling deeply cared for and like my life is rich w things 2 be excited abt recently :3
22 notes · View notes
toaster-fire-art · 2 years
Text
so i started reading Qi Ye
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
only 20 chapters in and already hooked, i feel the fixation settling into my bones like lead
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
stay tuned while i read and doodle away my sanity
120 notes · View notes
mashmouths · 1 month
Text
my parents are selling their house and i'm dealing with it so rationally and maturely btw. the 73 pictures i just took are completely unrelated to my fears of change and forgetting the little bits of memory that made this home
3 notes · View notes
daz4i · 7 months
Text
need a boyfriend but also romance is disgusting but also I'm obsessed with it and want to feel it but also i don't want to commit or feel constricted by a limited relationship but also sometimes the idea of belonging to one person is nice but also no it doesn't i am a person not an object but also yes i am or at least i would be if i could but also i would never trust anyone enough for that but also i wish i could but also
15 notes · View notes
suncaptor · 6 days
Text
there's something specifically inside my head that is closing up that makes trusting anything so hard. i have to manually keep my mind open to the potential of anything being significant. i am so used to things being bad and things hurting and things not working and being powerless that it takes an exorbitant amount of mental energy to make sure I don't let myself shut down possibility. and I do it because I never want a certainty inside of me besides love to rule anything. but I want my brain elastic again. i want it open like breathing. it doesn't erase the unfairness or the critique or any of the bitter-built philosophy.
#it's so hard to describe what I mean. i think it's the combo of the like. specific part of my brain's development + the amount of trauma#I have endured + the degree of which that has been taking place on a backdrop of the world being incredibly injust no matter what I do#this is very very silly but the extent of how much this impacts me was made clear by how like. closed off I was to even liking an album by#my favourite singer. like obviously I am obsessively keeping myself open I would never let my preconceived sense of doom and stubbornness#control my willingness to let things in#but it shouldn't be so hard to keep my mind open to things like... liking my favourite musician of most of my life's music...........#and that's a VERY silly example but that's why it's easier to talk about. it takes so much work to be open enough for things like therapy#or religion because they've damaged me so much#how am i supposed to handle this on a backdrop of constant constant helplessness in the face of living insecurity and illness and trauma?#the problem is if you try so so so hard again and again and remain hopeful regardless of how illogical that hope is#but you get let down so constantly since you're never stop trying ever even when systems fail you again and again#and you're watching horrible things happen and everything that shapes you is horror#then regardless of how much you try it's so hard to let yourself let go of the very realistic lived experience of doubt and critique#and I DO. do NOT get me wrong. I am obsessive and refuse to be my own problem#but the act of doing so shouldn't be like this. it's in everything i do. from simple things like listening to new music to even the mere#possibility of a future#i am very worried this one is going to be misinterpreted bc I AM NOT saying I'm stubborn in the face of systems that have repeatedly failed#me. I AM NOT. I am saying to not be shouldn't take this work when it envelops the rest of my life.#if anyone reads this far please please acknowledge the degree of which I almost pathologically try again and again when I can guarantee#nearly everyone wouldn't and still fight to keep myself open to hope because that's just something in me that is like that. but BEING like#that is. repeatedly putting yourself in situations where you are powerless already and helpless to get better and then are hurt more and#there's no way to escape it's just the repeated nature of it and then trying to not be the issue.#it's the problem in itself.#my ambition SHOULD be smarter.#god I'll go into this when I fully understand it another time. i don't think i have this phrased in a way to make all the dots of what i#mean correlate in the significant ways to anyone but me#but hey i guess i'm expecting anyone to read this in a light to misperceive me in the first place instead of accept maybe I'm not explainin#well or giving me the benefit of the doubt. see.#delete
3 notes · View notes
starcrosscd · 7 days
Text
tag drop for my purposes
2 notes · View notes