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#every joy must be tempered with the grim knowledge that joy is fleeting
whentherewerebicycles
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5 years
Text
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#just more daily processing lol
#i came into class today and one of my students was like
#‘you always seem so happy! you seem like just a happy person’
#and it was just nice because i think i am! i think that at some point in the last five to seven years
#i just kinda turned a corner into being a happier human
#i definitely still get stressed and unhappy but i feel like my ‘resting state’ is a lot more positive than it has been in the past
#i think a lot of it is environmental / situational like
#grad school can be pretty emotionally bleak but teaching really fulfills me and makes me happy and i care about my research
#it’s sunny like.. 300 days out of the year here
#and i have a good group of friends who i love
#also im not an angry self loathing closeted lesbian anymore lol
#ANYWAY
#i was thinking about this bc i just had a long phone call with my mom
#and i love her a lot but one thing that is just v difficult sometimes
#is that she is just relentlessly a glass half empty type
#her mind always goes to the worst possible outcome
#nothing can be celebrated as it is because celebrating something might somehow jinx the future and trigger calamity
#every joy must be tempered with the grim knowledge that joy is fleeting
#every word of encouragement must be folded into a warning about how things could unravel
#negativity and worrying about you is sort of her love language
#it’s not even that she’s being critical of you specifically it’s just like shes trying to protect you by anticipating what could go awry
#but man! it’s hard to live like that
#and i know she thinks that i am too blasé about the future
#and i ‘live in lala land’ (her fave phrase for me lol)
#but you know what? i think that what she thinks of as me being naive
#is just like me not wanting to live in that cramped anxious headspace of believing everything will go wrong
#there’s not a right way or a wrong way to be! but you have to be the way that makes you feel happy or secure or whatever
#and i want to choose to feel joy and happiness and excitement even if it means someday ill get walloped out of nowhere by catastrophe
#why contaminate the moments of joy with the fear that someday somehow i might not be joyful?
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