#every time i start to really believe i have an ed the invalidating thoughts pop back up and i go back to feeling like im a fraud

[fandomfaeofveryfewf4cks]

Spoilers for Our Flag Means Death finale.

I just needed to talk things through as a crew.

So, I already posted something about how I felt about Izzy's death immediately after watching the finale. Now that I've given myself more time to mull it over though, I'm not quite as satisfied with the ending as I thought. But I think I know why I'm not exactly angry about it either.

I think I just see it as an open ending for next season? Like, I can see how Izzy's death brings parts of the story around full circle. (Mainly in Ed growing out of being Blackbeard who wasn't really Blackbeard without Izzy Hands.) However, after thinking about it some and reading some other people's thoughts about it, it doesn't really work for bringing Izzy's story around full circle, does it? No, really, does it? I'm still not entirely sure.

On the one hand, I've seen people talk about how Izzy represents piracy and piracy is coming to an end, so it makes sense for him to die with piracy. With his talk with Ricky about how they may die, but they'll live on in other ways, it makes sense.

On another hand, I also see people talking about the fact that Izzy survived a suicide attempt (potentially for the reason of protecting the crew) only to end the season saying he wants to die...

This choice just makes me a bit queasy because it invalidates some of the hope I've had building up with every episode I watched, especially in season 2, where Izzy goes through the bulk of what I feel is (at least mostly) such an amazing character arc.

On a third hand, I saw someone saying that Izzy should captain the Revenge while Stede and Ed go off to run their inn. I had thought this was going to happen too until I started seeing the foreshadowing for Izzy's death and started doubting that theory.

Part of the reason this makes so much sense is because, firstly, Izzy runs the ship already. Plus, he's changed his priorities to be about the crew.

Remember in season 1 episode 9, when the crew is planning to mutiny against Izzy and are trying to decide who should be captain next. And Oluwande says,

"It's gotta be someone we can all trust. Someone who's got the whole crew in mind. Not just themselves."

Izzy didn't make a good captain in that episode because he still didn't trust them, they didn't trust him, and he was doing everything for himself.

In season 2, none of that is true anymore.

The crew DOES trust him. He DOES think about the crew first and foremost. And, we even get to see him learn to trust the crew as well. Learn that they see him as not just a part of the crew they have to deal with like in most of season 1, but a crucial part of the crew and a person they all care about.

In short, it really would have made so much sense to make him Captain.

"Okay, but why do you think his death is an open ending? Death is typically a decidedly very closed off ending."

Ah, I see the point I keep losing is back.

How many times has someone been "dead" only to come back later. How many times has IZZY "died" to come back later. Granted, Izzy going through this multiple times is part of what foreshadows the idea that he's going to not come back this time, so it's possibly just false hope to think he'll come back (assuming we get a third season).

But think about it. Izzy has died. Stede gave up his pirating dream, which seems how likely to stick? And Ed thinks he's going to be able to work a customer service job? And both Stede and Ed think they'll be good at running a business they don't know jackshit about? Ed has proved to be lousy at working a "simple" life. Ed's subconscious said so. Pop-pop said so. Even Jackie sees this as a "wish I was a regular dude phase." Also, Stede has proved that he can be a decent pirate. Zheng said so. Spanish Jackie said so. The entire Republic of Pirates said so. The Pirate Queen said so.

I guess I just have a hard time believing the creators of ofmd couldn't bring Izzy back somehow and turn out a new plot for another season if they wanted to.

At the end of season one, Ed and Stede resign themselves to a future that is not ideal for them and Lucius "dies."

At the end of season 2, Ed and Stede decide to try for a future that is arguably also not ideal for them (it's just less angsty than season 1) and Izzy "dies."

I dunno. I guess what I'm saying is, it makes enough sense for an ending, but not this story's ending. And this show actually managed to make me feel things in my mucky rustbucket of a heart and gave me hope like not many things do. I'm just not ready to give up on it yet.

. . . . .

Maybe they didn't want to make Izzy captain because then if/when Stede and/or Ed come back wanting to be Captain, they'd have to decide how to make that work? But that wouldn't be too hard to figure out, right? I mean, they already decided a ship can have two captains. Why not 3?

Here's some of those posts I was talking about:

#ofmd #our flag means death #izzy hands #ofmd izzy #con o'neill #stede x ed #ed teach #stede bonnet

[golisopod-mutual]

:/

#dont read these ok im just upset lol #vent hours lol #i HATE that im still not convinced i had an e.d. im stuck between feeling like i do and feeling like i dont and i hate it bc it ends up w m #just feeling like i might have one? but i also might be invalid and faking it #and so i end up just feeling shitty and invalid. and like i dont deserve help and/or couldnt get help if i wanted to #i had an ok day today. i ate approx. 1500 calories. which is a lot for me and its causing some anxiety im trying to ignore #but now im like 'oh i ate a lot today so surely i dont have a disorder right?' #like i KNOW i fit the diagnostic criteria for atypical anorexia. i know i do. but i feel like i dont #i feel like i should be afraid of carbs and eating 200 calories a day and obsessively exercising. and im not like that #and bc thats what my brain says an ed looks like it says i dont have one bc im not doing those things #and then theres the whole 'oh you cant have a restrictive e.d youre overweight' thing that i cant shake #every time i start to really believe i have an ed the invalidating thoughts pop back up and i go back to feeling like im a fraud #i wish i was sicker so i could just know for sure and so ppl would take me and my problem seriously #and i know wanting to be sicker is not something a normal healthy person does! i know that!! #i know ppl without an ed dont do half the shit i do. and yet i still cant convince myself i have one #and i hate that if i came out and said to the ppl in my life 'oh lol i think i have an e.d' ppl would assu #assume i was lying #bc im not thin or sick enough!!! #and everyone just wants to tell me how great i look now and how awesome my weight loss has been and how ive inspired them to diet too #and i really cant stand it!!! thinking bout that tweet thats like 'ppl wont tell you you're fat but they'll tell you if you USED to be fat' #everyone tells me how great im doing bc nobody cares if im starving myself and purging after i eat. #all they care abt is that the fat girl is losing weight #and idk how to cope w that!! how do i handle ppl unknowingly encouraging me to starve myself bc they cant shut up abt how cool #my weight loss is and how much better i look now? #and i hate the discrepancy between my brain n my feelings bc i know logically i fit diagnostic criteria for an ed but i dont FEEL like i do #and the feelings usually win out over the logic and then i feel like a big fraud whos faking it

[vigerous-anus]

An open letter to my abusive mother.

Mom. -  This has been the longest we've gone without talking. This is the longest we've ever been apart. It's also the farthest in distance we've ever been apart. I made the conscious decision to draw clear boundaries for the first time. It looks like I'm doing all sorts of new things on my own, huh? It's funny, because you always acted like I never could. Why is it, mom; that even though you always said I could do whatever I wanted in life I always felt undercut and put down? Why is it I always felt less than my sister, even though you said you harbor no favoritism? On that note, why is it that you were so obsessive about the subject of  favoritism? You always brought it up even if it wasn't bothering her and I. It's almost like you have a guilty conscience.  Sorry for the bitter notes, but I'm just trying to understand.

Mom. - We used to be so close. At least I thought we were. Even though you never stopped your husband... Even though you enabled him for 11 years in abusing me and the animals... I still trusted you with everything I am. I still leaned on you and looked to you for direction. It was only when my sister and I were trying to find a ride out of the house that night your husband was threatening suicide that I began to notice how sick you are. You were chasing him around comforting him, when you should have been there with my sister and I. You should have been comforting your wailing and terrified daughter. Yet it was I who took that role. It was I who stood up and asked for help. It was I  who took her hand and led her out of the fire. Mom. - That was your job. You didn't even blink twice when I told you her and I were leaving for the night. Instead you told me to be quiet so he wouldn't hear us leaving. You were protecting yourself, so you wouldn't get yelled at. You were trying to shelter him, so he'd calm down and not hurt himself. Mom. - You texted me later that night and said everything was fixed and you and him were happier than you'd ever been. You then told my sister and I the next day how happy you were he had, ''changed''. You got angry at me and mocked me when I was disgusted with your nonchalance. You gave me an ''apology'' later that night. It was moreso you justifying your feelings and how you had a just reason to pop off on me, rather than a genuine apology. You told me he said he didn't hate me but that you knew he did. You also said he told you he'd try harder to be a better person. I told you we'd all see the day he put down the act. Tell me, mom. - How could your world revolve around someone you knew full well hated me? You saw the hell he put me through every single day and you did nothing. You sat idely in the back.

Mom. - I remember when the abuse first started. We had beef stew that night. We were watching top 10 deadly creatures on the science channel. Your husband accused me of eating raw sugar out of his sugar container. I told him I hadn't been. He accused me of lying and he yelled at me. It seems like such a small thing, but he was filled with such vile hatred that night. My trust was broken. I remember being so confused because he hadn't acted that way to me prior. I had   loved him and trusted him. You told me you knew I'd done it because my sister ''wouldn't do that''.

Mom.- When I was 12 and my mental illnesses developed... When I told you I felt that my sister was being favorited over me... You acted like I was crazy. YOU asked ME at 12 years old if YOU should ''put me away''. When your husband suggested I was going to give you a heartattack and he forced me to google how stress causes heartattacks in your age group, you sat there in silence. When your husband forced me to do yardwork for hours to ''toughen out'' the depression, you sent me out rake in hand. It took years for you to truly understand and get me the help I needed.

Mom. - I remember the day I brought the abuse to your attention. I was about 14. We were getting food for the animals. It was raining. He, for no reason, went off on me about something. When we got home that afternoon you and I were unloading hay in the barn. You begged me to tell you what was bothering me. I was terrified, but for the first time ever I confided in you about the abuse. I told you that I felt he was abusing me. You told me that abuse is a strong word to use, but you knew he was mean. I remember that day so well, because you undercut me in that moment. You begged me to confide in you. I put all of my courage together, and yet you invalidated everything I said to you.

Mom. - When you found out I had been selfharming and eating 400 calories a day because of the abuse, you told me that was better than me killing myself. How did it not give you any redflags? How did it not terrify you that I was in my room making myself bleed? How did it not terrify you that I was restricting food when I love food? On that note, to this day how is it ok for you to always hound me about my weight even though you know how much I struggle with it? Why would you want to push me to check the scale even though I told you it triggers those unhealthy tendencies? I remember the day I was laying next to you on the bed in a cheaha cabin. You told me you could feel my ribs, and it made my entire week. I see photos of myself during that time, and I envy what I used to look like compared to now. You do not make that easier on me, mom. - My scars made you sad, but you'd always repeat the notion that it was better than me killing myself. Mom. - That's like saying being an alcoholic is better than being a heroin addict.

Mom. - You had me record your fetish work when I was a minor. I was barely into my teens. You asked me to tell you if it made me uncomfortable, but that wasn't up to me. You should have kept your business your business. You shouldn't have told me your crazy sex stories. You shouldn't have overshared to my sister and I through the years. You shouldn't have incorperated me into it. You shouldn't have used me as help. Because of you, my views on sex are very warped. I feel extreme dysmorphia towards my own body. Somedays, I don't even want to be in it. I can't imagine showing it to anyone else. You never gave me sex-ed. You bought me books you hadn't even looked through yourself. This last year you hounded me more than you had before about getting started into the fetish work. You told me my anxiety was to bad for a ''real job''. I know you were scared I wouldn't make it, but you were the one who constantly undercut me. You blamed me for my exaustion. You blamed me for sleeping all day. You blamed it on my food patterns. You blamed it on my lack of working out. You never stopped to think I should go to a physician. When I told you it was from the abuse and depression, you just gave me two extra vitamins and 30 extra minutes before I took care of the farm I didn't ask for, and let alone mainly by myself.

Mom. - When I decided I wanted to be a CNA, you warned me it was an impossible job. I told you I felt called to it. I went to school for it, and every day I got home you asked me if I was sure I should really be doing this. When I told you I thought I couldn't finish my final exams, you told me of course I could. When I graduated I worked a grueling 5 months as a CNA. When you saw me having panic attacks every other hour, you told me you didn't know how to help but that I couldn't quit because every job would be like this. You made me believe it was me, not the job. You told me if I quit the abuse would start again. You told me your husband would be so disappointed in me. I kept on for another two weeks. The DON told me I needed to resign because she was scared I'd kill myself if I continued longterm. I told her I was terrified because your husband would be mad. She asked me if he was usually mean to me. I had to lie and tell her no, he just has high expectations. I quit that night relieved but terrified. I felt like the biggest disappointment and you both acted like I was. My sister cried to you and told you it wasn't worth my life for me to continue the job. That should have been enough, mom. You didn't even listen to her.

Mom. - You have told me throughout the 11 years I was abused you would never take back marrying your husband. You told me that God set it up, so you knew there was a ''purpose'' in my abuse. You told me October of 2019, after your husband died that you could tell I was happier and doing better. You proceeded to tell me if you could go back, you'd do it all again because you can't live without him. Mom. - How do you think it felt to have you tell me you would place that burden right back on my shoulders in one heartbeat given the chance? That was the moment, mom... Wherein I knew I couldn't trust you. While we're on the subject, mom... That day we all drove a few cities over, you talked the entire car ride how your husband was a beautiful soul and how he's in heaven and he always wanted to help everyone he came across. You talked about what a ''great dad'' he was to Heather, and a ''great husband'' to you. I ignored you the entire car ride, seething in anger and steeped in a feeling of betrayal. You kept trying to get me to talk to you about what was bothering me. I didn't tell you, but you guessed it on your own. You told me, ''I know this  isn't what you want to hear and it'll make you unhappy, but if this is about me talking about my husband then I'm sorry but I'm not going to stop.'' All in a few weeks, mom... You made it clear to me what I felt all along. As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter how it effects me.

Mom.- I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for you to put me in that situation. You always complained to me how you were ''caught in the middle''. Mom.- Nobody put you in the middle except for yourself. When it's between your husband who's abusing your daughter, and your daughter... You choose your daughter. You never chose me. When you did speak up for me, it was cut short and you didn't follow up with it hardly ever. You always let me know when you did it, as if you deserved a trophy for actually saying something in my favor. You said you loved everything about him. How can you diss all of the friends who stabbed me in the back, but not your husband who hated me more than them? How can you diss the church leaders who abused me when what they did is so similar to what he did to me, yet go home and have your world revolve around him? How can you do that and expect me to feel your love, mom? It's no wonder you had mercy for Denise. You related to the blind loyalty she has to her husband, even over me.

Mom.- You watched me tremble in fear. You watched my memory dissolve through the years. You watched me get suicidal. You watched me sleep all day. You watched me hurt myself. You saw me barely surviving and yet you never intervened. I always thought that someday... Someday he'll push it to far and you'll leave him. That hope left me that day you told me you'd never leave him no matter what he did or didn't do. You stayed true to that. If he didn't die, I'd still be dealing with the abuse, mom. I  didn't know how long I was going to be able to just run off of basic survival mode, mom. His death saved my life, and ruined yours. It's no wonder you have such an internal conflict. You know what disgusts me? If I sent this to you, you wouldn't read it. You would make someone else read it or you'd delete it. You'll sit on the computer for hours telling me  how unhealthy I am and how that's because of my weight and the lack of leafy greens in my diet. Yet, mom; You won't listen to the actual problems when I bring them to you. I didn't try to run you off that day I sent you the last text message you recieved. I wanted to talk peacefully. I didn't answer your call because I knew you'd fight and I didn't want our latest call to be of us fighting. I still wonder to this day if you even went back to read that message I sent you after you kicked me out. You never listen, mom.

Mom.- I forgave you for not properly schooling me, but the fact you did the same exact thing to my sister is beyond me. How could you neglect her so much while also favoring her? She has zero life skills at 16 years old because of you. She, like me when I was 16 years old; doesn't know basic math because of you. I fear of you getting arrested for that, mom. In the end though, I have my sisters best interest at heart. You made your decisions. You took your chances. That was your decision, not mine.

Mom.- It feels so weird that you don't know I've had an ER visit and multiple doctors appointments. When I was in the ER, all I could think about was that you should be there. You should know. It just isn't right, but again... That isn't my fault. You did this to yourself. It feels so odd that you don't know I'm on medications. It feels odd you don't know about my progress and achievements. It's weird to think you don't know where I am. Mom.- In that email you sent me, you didn't even ask me if I'm ok. If I'm homeless, or where I'm staying. I can't seem to put the pieces of the puzzle you scattered into place, but I'm trying.

Mom.- My main thought through the abuse and even now is that I just want happiness. There is so much from my childhood I am looking at through new eyes, and if I put it all down once I remembered it all, I'd have enough for a trilogy. Mom, I have gained my freedom and I'm on the road to true peace and joy in my life. But mom; I want happiness for you. After all you've done, after all you will still do, and even after that email you sent me on Christmas, I just want you to be happy and free. I saw how much he strangled you inside. He held us all down under an iron fist, and yes you let him... But I still just want happiness for you. I often think of who you were as a teenager and young adult. Or, what you told me you were like. I want you to have that peace back. I want you to have that strength back. The diginity you had then, I want you to have now. I want you to remember how to be a human being without someone else's help. I want you to raise my sister properly. I want you to give her proper education and resources. I want you to give her a license and a car. I want you to help her spread her wings. I want all three of us to be united someday, healthy and truly free. At this point, I don't know if you'll live long enough for that to happen between your alcoholic tendencies and reckless decisions. Mom.- I have to live my life regardless to what you decide to do. I just hope you wake up before it's to late.  

#abuse #verbal abuse #mental abuse #psychological abuse #psychology #mental health #domestic abuse #domestic #survivor #inspiring #survival #open letter #poetry #inspiration #my story #my voice #my battle cry #my war song #mine #dear mom #mom #mother #mothers #moms #mums #dear mum #America #this is america #politics #parental abuse

[musicallyy-inclined]

2017 Year End Ranked 100-91 (or the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2017)

So, I’m ready to start my first huge endeavor as a music blogger. I’m going to rank the Billboard Year End Hot 100 for 2017, leading up to New Years. The plan is to have 10-20 songs out each day for the next week or so. And I’m writing about all of them. 

This post is kind of special, as it also doubles as a worst list for the year. I debated whether to list these from 100-91 or 10 - 1 as worst songs, but I decided to keep with their overall rating to make the list process more cohesive. So the first song on the list is the worst song, the second is the second worst, and so on. So without further ado, my Top 10 worst hit songs of 2017 are under the page break. I might edit in pictures later, or I might not because these garbage songs don’t really deserve it. 

100. Look At Me! - XXXTentacion

Honestly, **bleep** this song. I hated this from the moment I heard it and I don't think I've ever wavered from this opinion. The beat is the most obnoxious thing I heard this year and XXXTentacion sounds just as pathetic. Also, the lyrical content is hot garbage. From what I can understand, he's begging this girl, who, by the way, is not single, to pay attention to him. And there's a Corbin Bleu reference? Corbin deserves so so much better than this trash. Stupid references to being mormon because he has so many girls and taking a white girl to Starbucks also make my skin crawl. Not to mention, half the song is just “yeah” or “look at me”. It's a pathetic cry for attention and why the public responded I have no idea. Oh, and XXXTentaction as a person is disgusting as well. Beating a pregnant woman is horrendous and the fact that this monster gained traction on the Hot 100 sickens me. So yeah, XXXTentacion is human garbage hiding behind this musical garbage and I won't let this slide. Worst song of the year, no question.

99. Tunnel Vision - Kodak Black

And here we see our second example of a horrible person using an awful song to hide behind. Kodak Black is trash and the way that he tries to play his crimes in this song just confirms that. Have you ever stopped to wonder why “they” don't want to see you winning? Maybe, it's because you are currently accused of rape, did you ever think of that? So yeah, this is an awful attempt at trying to play off his crimes as systemic racism. And honestly, that's what makes me the most mad about this song. The issues of unfair sentences for black vs. white people is a real problem and one that can and probably should be addressed by the media. But the fact that the main song we got on this topic was by an accused rapist who 100% deserves the jail time he will hopefully receive only invalidates this topic and makes a joke of it to those who haven't really considered it an issue. Also, the song is not much better that Look At Me. It is better though, the chorus is kind of catchy and the beat is ok. Of course, Kodak Black ruins this by being completely incompetent on the verses and just sounding like an autotuned mess in general. So yeah, this sucks and is doing negative things to relieve and resolve the racial tension in today's society.

98. Body Like A Back Road - Sam Hunt

I have a lot of feelings about this song, and none of them are good. I don't even hate Sam Hunt, I've found most of his other music enjoyable and some of it might even have a shot at my best lists in 2014 and 2015 (a low shot, but still). But the fact that THIS is his biggest song and the biggest country song since Cruise (which again, I don't hate), makes me so angry. Where do I even start with this piece of trash? I guess the lyrics are an ok place. And honestly, I see no point to this song other than objectifying whatever woman he is talking about. Like, I don't think we get any content about anything other than how hot this girl is and what Sam Hunt is going to do to and with her. I remember that my sister got mad at Shape of You for objectifying women, but at least Ed Sheeran gives her a character. The woman of reference in this song could be literally anybody and the song wouldn't have to change at all. And the music itself combines the very worst of country and hip-hop. I don't particularly care for either genre, and I hate all of the elements that are used in the song. Especially the gang vocals, which seem particularly out of place in a sex song. But yeah, somehow pop radio decided that this was the pop country hit of the summer. It's by far the most relevant and overplayed song on my worst list too, so there's something.

97. Do Re Mi - Blackbear

I'm so confused why anyone cares about this song. Sam Hunt is a big star in country music, so I see why Body Like A Back Road was a hit, and there was enough controversy around the human garbage that I see why it was relevant, but who even is Blackbear? I googled him and he looks like you'd expect a person who would make this whiny mess of a song. Also, apparently he co-wrote Justin Bieber's Boyfriend, so that's a fun fact of the day. But yeah, this song sucks mostly because it's whiny and pathetic. I never saw the appeal to it at all. It's not a direct rip off of the Sound of Music, but it's the only other song I've heard that uses the note names like this, and so we have this comparison, which of course does it no favors whatsoever. Not to mention I saw Do Re Mi written out this other day and this is what I thought of, not Julie Andrews. So yeah, Blackbear is not only making a stupid, whiny song, but he's also ruining one of my favorite childhood songs. So he deserves to be here.

96. Swang - Rae Sremmurd

I wasn't going to put this on my worst list and then I realized how bad it sounded. This is the first song that is here for actually sounding like trash and nothing else. Swae Lee can't sing in falsetto, and that part alone makes this song bottom 10. And it has no redeeming qualities, so here it lands. Other than that though, I really don't care about it, so that's why it's not much lower.

95. Chained To The Rhythm - Katy Perry

If I'm being honest with myself, I've never really liked Katy Perry as much as some of her early 2010s fellow party anthem pop stars (Ke$ha comes to mind), she's kind of been just there. And this, initially, is another one of those just there songs. I think I put on a playlist at one point, and then quickly got tired of it and promptly forgot about it. The production isn't awful, but definitely doesn't catch my eye either. So why is it on the worst list? The lyrics. Listen, just like with Tunnel Vision, there is a place for a song about how influential pop music can be and how most people use it as escapism, but Katy Perry is not the right person to be delivering this, as she has long been a contributor to the mindless pop herself, and even bought into trends like cheap empowerment songs several times. So this is the least believable thing in the world. And she sounds so smug too. It happens every time she tries to have a message other than party on. Roar and Firework have a similar tone and they sour on me with every listen. Katy just sounds so untouchable here and it does not work for the message she is trying to convey. Also, every other single from this album has been a mess as well. So there's that.

94. Cold - Maroon 5

I can't believe that this song is getting the least hate of any of Maroon 5's singles this year. I guess people truly have stopped caring about this band. I know I have. We'll get to their other songs this year in due time, but this by far the one with the least redeeming qualities. This songs is the most ineffective use of minimalism that I've seen this year. I'm re-listening it now and the production is so bad. It's all drums and bass and none of it sounds the least bit interesting. I shouldn't be surprised that Adam Levine sounds completely checked out as well. The lyrical content of this song is not the worst thing in the world, but it needs some genuine emotion behind it for it to work, and Maroon 5 are the furthest thing from genuine I've heard this year. Oh, and Future is here and also phoning it in. I've never really gotten Future, so his verse just feels completely pointless. I guess my point here was that while Don't Wanna Know was a complete rip-off of the tropical house vibes, and we'll get to that, this song showed that Maroon 5 could do far far worse.

93. Issues - Julia Michaels

I think I just recently realized how flawed this song is. We'll get the obvious things out of the way first: Julia Michaels is not a good singer at all, and a minimalistic song was not a good route for her first single. And it's a shame, because she has real songwriting talent, as seen by some of her work with Selena Gomez. But yeah, she is not doing well on this song. And the beat, while better that Cold, also kind of just plods along. I think a song in this vein can definitely be pulled off, but the artist needs to have vocal talent and charisma, which Michaels doesn't.. The lyrical content is also very immature. I remember listening to this song when it first came out because the lyrics were interesting, but I've since realized that they are just stupid. If you judge me then I'll judge you is such a childish sentiment and the fact that this person seems borderline abusive definitely doesn't help this song. This is just a flawed song about a toxic relationship and nothing about it works.

92. Passionfruit - Drake

Ummm, this one is kind of hard to explain. I think it's probably the most controversial choice for my worst list and I guess I understand why some people can tolerate it. I think it just sounds awful. It's mostly the beat, which sounds like music you hear when you are on hold, and that drives me up the wall. And it's not like Drake is interesting enough to make up for the awful waiting room music instrumentation. Apparently this song is about struggling to keep up a long distance relationship. Honestly, the lyrics are cryptic enough that I might not have figured that out, which is kind of an issue because I want to be focused on them over the beat. So yeah, I just personally can't stand this one.

91.   I Don't Want To Live Forever - ZAYN and Taylor Swift

This wasn't originally supposed to be this low, but I moved it down when I realized the potential that it squandered. While I hate everything about 50 Shades Of Grey, I really liked some of the songs on the soundtrack, and so I was excited for the soundtrack to the sequel. But instead of Love Me Like You Do, this was the big hit from the album. And so much of what I said about some of the other songs applies to this. I don't like Zayn to begin with, and after the disaster that was Pillowtalk, I don't know why anyone ever chose him to make this songs. Niall Horan writes better sex songs that Zayn, and that's saying something consider the persona of both former 1D members. But yeah, this is kind of Pillowtalk part 2. The atmosphere is okay, and the lyrical content is fine I guess, but I just can't buy Zayn at all, especially in that falsetto. Taylor sounds okay, but again, if you were going for sexy, this is not the song to put Taylor Swift on. Sure, she can be sexy, but she needs lighter production to pull it off (see Wildest Dreams). Also, there is no chemistry here at all. So yeah, if this was a generic single from a Zayn album, I might not hate it this much, but the fact that it squandered Taylor Swift's potential pulls it down about 25 spots on this list for me. Also, it holds up terribly to overplay, and I (and radio) overplayed it. So yeah, I might regret this in a month or so, but this is bottom 10 for me currently.

#hot 100 ranked #year end ranked #top 10 worst #2017 #xxxtentacion #kodak black #sam hunt #rae sremmurd #katy perry #maroon 5 #blackbear #julia michaels #zayn #taylor swift #drake

[lilacpuke]

I have so many things to say to you, but I never seem to feel better after I’ve said them. Feels like I have more to tell, after all it’s been 3 years of thoughts I’ve kept to myself. I let 3 years worth of everything go unsaid, you could imagine how much of pain I am in since the day we met, as well as hate and bitterness; I’m full of it. All of this should have been said a long time ago, in the beginning after I graduated school, as you remember, something changed inside you, and took it out on me. Got physical with me sometimes, you were also emotionally abusive. You neglected me and treated me terribly, I had abortion that year as well. I know you were really young, you didn’t know how to react or comfort me. You were fucking 16. Abortion and being neglected and being mean to me doesn’t help, I didn’t want to leave you, but I should have stopped talking to you after that year, but for some reason, I didn’t, so it led me to drinking and taking  xans. I eventually cheated on you just because i wanted attention, i barely remember both events and I didn’t even want to have sex with them. i regret it so much. I took responsibility for my actions, I didn’t make excuses and never talked about how i feel about my actions because I know you wouldn’t listen or truly forgive me. The results? it’s the same except you got more angry and you were hateful towards me.  You know what? That was a fucking mistake.

Eventually, you changed a little. Way better, yet you were different, though. I did everything for you. I made sure i was the best girlfriend ever and you still took a shit on me. Even before I cheated. I took your shit for three years. you just couldn’t handle me at my worst as well, and i stayed by your side with your mood swings.I comforted you when you were upset about your family, friends, or your ex girlfriends. We broke up and you found someone to talk to then it lasted briefly and i still comforted you. How do you think that makes me feel? You called me your best friend, is that how you treat your best friend? No, it’s wrong. I turned to you for emotional support and being my shoulder to cry on, you shut me down most of time. I felt more worthless, unwanted, unloved as the weeks went. Your lies didn’t help as well. Sadly, you still lie and it’s making me frustrated and impatient. I’m getting sick of this back and forth shit. We have same fucking cycle bullshit for YEARS now. I know you have a lot of maturing to do, you’re immature as fuck, but you knew better; yet, you still risked making stupid decisions. Even as friends, you still risked us because maybe you thought I wouldn’t find out about whatever it is you, at the time, were hiding from me. Or how you think it’s okay to be rude because I allow it. that’s what I meant by different, you may not show your true colors. You just got better at masking yourself. You still look for excuses. 

Our history is what makes me want to leave. I’m exhausted, I can’t take any more psychological bullshit. I’m staying because i love you and i dont want to lose you even though i should because you changed me into the person i dont want to be. Unhappy and insecure. And how I just take it, everytime you fuck up and I talk about it, you get pissed and shut me down, but when I do, you hold grudges against me for months. You get away with it and I deal with the consequences. Why do you think our relationship is unhealthy as fuck? We don’t talk about things. Whenever I am at my worst, I turn to you for support or needed to vent or tell you what you do/did hurt me, you call me crazy, but most of times, I was right. you still call me crazy. what the fuck do you think why i act crazy? You couldn’t even get your shit together, stop lying or hiding something from me. Or mess with my head which you still do. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been letting things stay in the past, but things related to you keeps popping up and recently, someone showed me the screenshots. It might be little thing to you, but I’m sick of this back and forth bullshit.

I tried to teach you and reassure you that i am here for you and that its okay to ask for support or just need to talk. I gave you so many chances since 2014. I don’t know why you still have to lie to me. You never ask for help or do something about it. You even said you CANT change. I know you don’t like it when i get so emotional. I know it pisses you off. Invalidated me all the time. But have you ever stopped and think about why I am the way I am? That most of it traced back to you? I doubt it. You don’t really understand your own actions. You think about no one but yourself. You tend to keep your problems inside you until you self-destructs and burn people around you and that’s a sad thing. I know your soul were broken when i got to know you, you were cheated on by your first love. It took you a while to stop loving her. I was patient and being your friend. you told me you love me, i didn’t say it right away. Until April 23rd 2015, that’s when i knew i was in love. We had sex that night. i wanted to be with you because I was ready and you decided you want to be with someone because you weren’t ready for some reasons. You obviously know I love you and I really, really never meant to hurt you. I was putting every bit of effort into our relationship and you. I put so much effort into this relationship that turned out to be dead and my efforts were for nothing. You keep me around because you’re scared to be alone. I don’t know what your true intentions are and what you’re scared to admit. I know you love me, but I’m starting to doubt it. 

 You use girls to hurt, fill the voids, or to forget. I don’t know, I just know you want/ed/ to burn girls. I know gabby and parental issues ruined you. I know cheating isn’t nice but you could be so much happier if you could just let it go. You were only 13/14. you need to get help for your other issues. Or at least talking to a friend or someone. you are not gonna live a happy life if you’re so bitter. I realized how bad it was since that you are so used to it for years now to the point you have forgotten how deep your roots are now. I know you’re happy at the moment and people or your relationships aren’t your first priority, you’re focusing on work and your life.. you’re most likely thinking this is stupid and I’m being irrational. But that’s what I mean, just because it’s not your first priority, doesn’t mean it’s not stressful for others. I’m proud of you for continuing playing music and focusing on your work. I believe in your future. I hope you do great. This is sincere, I promise.

Maybe the timing is wrong, maybe we can try again in few years when you get better, mentally and emotionally. Maybe you will never change, maybe May 27th, 2017 is the day we broke up for good. All I know is that day I talked about everything I have been going through and it got me thinking. It’s the same that night when you ditched me. I gave up. I kept ignoring all the obvious signs, big ass red flags, and so on. It’s not worth it anymore. We always need each other to complete, but we don’t know if there’s gonna be a right time. Unfortunately,  I don’t think there’s going to be a timing. There never will be and I don’t know if we can complete each other again. I really don’t know, I’d love to know the answer to that, I really do. Our love is undeniably real and i wish things were different. But I know something for sure, I’m not putting my energy in us anymore if I’m still being treated the same. It’s not happening. I’ve changed for the worst in some ways the past 3 years and I need to work on myself. I loved you, I love you, and I fucking hate that I do. 

I hope you find what you are looking for, and good bye.

#daniel #lilelf