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#everyone in your life would distance themselves from you if you just behaved authentically
yugocar · 3 years
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any social interaction is deeply exhausting when you operate on the basis of “i am deeply unbearable when i relax and am truly myself and therefore even with good friends i need to constantly calculate how much i will allow of my genuine personality to shine through” 
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autisticchicc · 3 years
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Unstructured Autism Rant
A/N: For COVID reasons, mask is purely metaphorical in this piece, not an actual face mask, the work scenario was something that happened pre-COVID.
Trigger Warnings: In-depth descriptions of autism-related struggles and meltdowns.
Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with autism, that is not to say that this is the experience of every person with ASD.
“Have I solved your issue today?” I ask the customer on the other end of the phone. I have; I don’t know why I’m asking this. The customer confirms I have, and I wish them goodbye, a good day, and thank you for calling the business. I don’t care if they have a good day, and I why on earth would I thank them for calling us? The entire interaction went on for far too long for my liking thanks to small talk and the customer pushing pointless information about themselves onto me. He told me he was sketching by the riverside, but why do I need to know about that? How do I respond to a piece of information that does nothing to or for me? Upon hanging up, I breathe a sigh of relief. The mask slips off my face slightly as I rub my temples.  
The relief is short-lived, as one of my co-workers comes over to my desk to talk about something. I take a deep breath and pull the mask back on properly before forcing myself to engage enthusiastically in this conversation. I don’t know this co-worker that well, I know nothing about how she talks, her personality, or her humour, only that I have a huge margin for error in this conversation. I concentrate intensely, trying desperately to make sense of her rapidly changing facial expressions and knowing when it’s my turn to talk. After interjecting at the wrong time on several occasions, I give up and just respond meekly when there’s an obvious gap. I feel embarrassed and awkward, and when she walks away, I kick myself. Why is it so hard to have a simple conversation? I’ve yet to make any friends at this job, and I don’t think I ever will at this rate.
I swivel back to face my two screens and lament the lack of a blue light filter on this software. My eyes ache, and the dog (yeah, don’t ask) on the upper level of the open plan office keeps barking. The occasional trilling of a phone irritates me more than usual as the late afternoon sun glares through the floor to ceiling windows at my photosensitive eyes. I can’t close the blinds because my co-workers love the sun, but I’m rapidly approaching a meltdown thanks to overstimulation, exhaustion, and following vague instructions all day. It feels as though every piece of sensory stimuli is stabbing at my eyes and ears. At the end of my shift I clock out and leave without saying goodbye to anyone. I don’t know them well enough to feel comfortable going out of my way to say anything in the first place.
Upon exiting the building, I cover my ears with my big headphones, the relief that washes over me is immense. All those invasive sounds are gone now, and I can listen to whatever I want. I still feel on edge, still teetering close to a meltdown, so I choose not to worsen it by listening to something that would fuel my anger. Sometimes it’s necessary, sometimes I desperately need to hear the pained screams of Pete Steele, the aggressive guitars and lyrics of Body Count. But today, I need something that isn’t going to give me the encouragement to punch the first person that triggers my rage.
For me, music is transformative and transportive. When I listen to particular songs with noise-cancelling headphones, it’s allows me to go somewhere in my imagination while my body moves to my real destination on autopilot. I decide on an uplifting song by The Knocks and Big Boi, Big Bills. It’s a song that makes me feel like a character in a movie that has just moved to a new city and is pursuing an exciting new life. To an extent that’s sort of true for me, minus the excitement and plot armour. Either way, it’s an uplifting song for me. So much so in fact, that I listen to it on repeat all the way home. If something interrupts the song, like an announcement on the tube or having to pause it, I have to restart it or it’s not the same.
When I eventually arrive home, the transformation happens. The moment my bedroom door closes, and I turn my headphones off, it begins. The outcome of this transformation can be vastly different depending on how my day went. It might be that it was a successful day socially, so I leave my phone out of sight and silently bury myself in a hobby for hours in order to recharge. It might be that the mask comes off and I begin to scream and sob, breaking anything I can to stop myself from self-injuring, burying the heels of my hands into my eyes to block any light. The transformation varies, but it is always the result of the same thing: suppressing who I am.
Much of being autistic and being forced to operate in a society catered to neurotypical people, for me, is suppressing my natural instincts and behaviour. Even when I have a positive day socially, it’s often contingent on how well I assimilated with other neurotypical people in that particular interaction. This is frustrating because not only am I exhausted because hardly anyone accommodates for me, I am also measuring the success of my day on other peoples’ standards. Many of my interpersonal relationships also operated that way until fairly recently, I was forced to behave and communicate the way that other people expected me to rather than what felt natural to me. There is only so many places and so much time I can maintain this act for, and so I was forced to simply cut those friendships off. I am no longer willing to negotiate my needs with people that clearly don’t like me enough to respect my disorder.
The friends I keep are mindful, lovers of the eccentric, embracing that which is different and persecuted for it. Often times I find that the people closest to me also have parts of their identity that mean they must also wear a mask of sorts when moving through society, be it racist society, patriarchal society, or queerphobic society. Our arms interlink on the fringes of an abstract hierarchy, turning away from the status quo and pursuing a life in truth and diversity. One day I’d love for everyone to be able to live authentically, for discrimination, isms and phobias to fade away into the past. I don’t see it happening in my lifetime, or perhaps ever, but I hope it does eventually.
In an ideal world, I would only interact with those aforementioned friends and no one else, but as we’ve established, that is not the world we live in. The reality is, I almost never get to interact with people who accommodate for me. I deal with people touching me without permission which makes my skin crawl, forcing me to take my headphones off when I’m fending off a meltdown, managers who don’t give me the specific step-by-step instructions I need, classmates who don’t understand that I don’t talk because I’m too shy, not because I’m unfriendly, lecturers that forget I can’t operate well in group work and can’t be in classrooms with harsh, fluorescent lights… The list is endless. Even going to the shop is a struggle, because the employees have no way to know. Although Tesco’s have been considerate and ‘progressive’* enough to introduce sunflower lanyards (https://www.tesco.com/help/invisibledisability/), most stores have absolutely no assistance in place for customers with hidden disabilities. I just have to hope that they don’t speak to me and that I don’t end up getting overwhelmed and having to ask anyone for help.
In a lot of ways, this pandemic has meant that I can avoid quite a lot of the scenarios that would usually cause me stress. I no longer work (admittedly, this causes more stress than it relieves), I don’t have to attend class in person, there is little to no in-person socialising, family events are cancelled, seasonal holidays are cancelled, queuing and crowding is no longer allowed (without distancing), etc. That has all been excellent and a relief. But on the flip side, it has given rise to a whole host of new problems. I hate being on camera or speaking in online lessons, there is no way for me to remind the teacher subtly I can’t do group work, masks trigger heat-related meltdowns for me, the financial instability of being unemployed has been a huge stressor, and the lack of government support is utterly enraging. 
Overall, it’s been a huge adjustment. The job that I talked about my experience with at the beginning of this rant is long gone now, so many things have changed. I have never dealt well with change, but this year has forced me to. In some ways I suppose you could say this is a positive development, exposure therapy is best at times. I just wish it had been more on my terms and not at the hands of a viral pandemic. 
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ohshcscenerios · 4 years
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Beach House
Chapter Twenty Six - Choose Your Own Adventure
Result of previous poll: Read to find out ;-)
Hikaru and Kaoru arranged the fireworks in neat rows in the sand, twisting the cardboard tubes into the sand to make them stand on their own. One by one they lined their grand finale beneath a dark sky, commemorating their wonderful weekend at the beach with an explosive display. 
Haruhi sat upright with her arms supporting her leaned postured on a beach towel, watching the twins laugh and tease each other in the distance coaxed a smile. She enjoyed watching her friends behaving as their real authentic selves, no matter how silly or foolish or even conniving they truly were. She always respected those who valued themselves over other’s opinions, who stuck to their own guns despite what they heard whispered behind their back. 
Haruhi had her fair share in ignoring the whispers when she was young. Her classmates couldn’t - or wouldn’t - understand her father’s profession as merely a profession and it in no way negatively reflected his character. He may favor women’s clothing and fashion but he was the only father God gave her and she would never sneer nor betray that. 
Her friends may have been raised in luxury and blissful ignorance but they were also genuine, curious, and most of all accepting of others. When she joined their group all those years ago she never expected the six young men parading across a dark beach to become such essential figures in her life and yet here she was, depending on them just as much as they depended on her. 
She loved them, respected them, and wished nothing but health and success for them... and yet she felt her heart yearning for one in particular. 
She couldn’t say when she first noticed her growing feelings. Years ago? Months ago? This very weekend? She couldn’t say. Her feelings felt brand new and yet they weighed heavy in her heart as if she had carried them for a long time without knowing. It was so foreign and yet... it felt right. 
She watched Kyoya and Tamaki bicker a few feet away, arguing if they should quickly buy more fireworks. Tamaki was not quite ready to say goodbye to this weekend and Kyoya knew he was trying to use his anxious energy to stall for more time. Kyoya insisted they bought enough and they couldn’t risk disrupting the locals. They couldn’t end this weekend with a surprise visit from the police. 
To her left Takashi and Mitsukuni were building a sandcastle throne for Usa-chan to rest in during their firework display. Mistukuni was cheerfully giggling as Takashi playfully kept knocking down the same sand tower. They were technically men, functioning citizens who contributed to Japan with their earned degrees, and yet they could reach into their inner child to enjoy a sandcastle. 
As their weekend came to a close Haruhi was forced to think about what would happen next. Next week. Next year. She tried to illustrate her five year plan in her mind’s eye but could only paint out a lonely office stuffed away in a gray building. 
She had always worked hard to achieve her goals and even now she wouldn’t slow down but thanks to this very interesting and revealing weekend she also considered what she was working hard for. She couldn’t waste her years satisfying a boss and her clients. She needed someone to truly make it all worth it. She needed to come home to someone to talk about her day, enjoy a relaxing night in with, share a few laughs, and receive a sense of purpose from. 
She decided... she needed him.
Because in the end it would always be him. 
Hikaru ran towards the group with Kaoru close behind, carefully running a corde along the sand. As they got closer Hikaru waved his hands while flashing the biggest smile she’s ever seen spread across his face. 
“We’re ready! Everyone take your seats!” He shouted excitedly. 
The twins dove into the sand, piling atop each other just inches from the beach towel they lied down as their spot. Mitsukuni finished patting down his sandcastle and propped Usa-chan in the make shift seat and situated his blanket beside it, sitting crossed legged nest to his stuffed friend. Kyoya opted in sitting in a wooden patio chair instead of the cold sand and Tamaki fluffed his beach towel right beside him. 
Takashi took out a lighter and clicked a flame to life, shielding it with his hand. Carefully he brought it to the cord and lit the fuse. Instantly lively sparks danced about and raced down the long fuse toward the long row of fireworks. 
“Here we go!” Kaoru cheered, throwing his hands in the air. 
Takashi took his seat behind Haruhi and gently slid her backwards between his spread legs so he could hold her close. She welcomed his embrace and rested her head against his naked chest, momentarily focused on the rise and fall of his lungs. 
One firework shot into the sky with a whiney whistle before exploding in the night sky, spreading neon green flares across the beach. Before the flares could disappear into the darkness another firework whistled through the air and exploded bright pinks and purples above them. 
Haruhi had to admit it was a very fitting way to end their vacation. Their wacky, confusing, thrilling vacation. The vacation she would come to remember as one of the most important moments in her life. 
The sky above them lit up in brilliant colors. Blues, greens, purples, reds, and blinding whites littered the night sky, veiling them beneath a a ceiling of light. 
Takashi leaned forward and kissed her cheek once- twice- and a third time for good measure. Maybe to convince himself that she was really here with him, in his arms. Maybe to further express how much he adored her. He didn’t know and he didn’t care. 
He hovered by her ear and spoke loud enough for only her to hear, “Haruhi, I love you.”
She turned to face him with a sheepish smile that quickly grew more confident once she met his happy gray eyes. Even in the dark of night she could see his beautiful eyes. The fireworks reflecting off his dark irises, teasing the idea that a person’s eyes truly were a window into their soul. 
She knew his soul to be beautiful, kind, loyal, gentle, and above all loving. He best expressed himself through actions, not needing to rely on words to illustrate his thoughts, and yet he had just spoken three very important words to her. 
Haruhi decided to respond in a way he understood best. She leaned into him and pressed her lips against his, slowly tasting the remnants of mint toothpaste and the salty air mix together for a unique flavor. He pressed back, placing his hand on her nape to draw her closer - if it were possible. 
He softly snared her lips between his, gently tugging at her supple skin as he kiss her. He slowly savored her, taking his time in tasting her unique flavor. He wanted to burn this memory in his brain, remember every touch and sensation that sparked through his body whenever she kissed him back for years and years to come. 
He never expected their weekend to end like this but he thanked every higher being for his golden chance to win over his love. 
A forced cough brought the couple back to reality just before the big finale, or as the twins named it. They said the Americans bundled together multiple fireworks to be set off at once as the show ended. Kyoya could only pray the locals didn’t send a policeman to their front door. 
Haruhi glanced at Kyoya and had to do a double take, almost missing a very interesting development. Hidden underneath his chair’s arm rest Kaoru rested his hand on Kyoya’s. Although they weren’t necessarily holding hands Kyoya didn’t move to jerk his away. 
Haruhi smiled, happy to see love sprouting in more ways than one. Perhaps she and Takashi weren’t the only lucky ones. 
The big finale was nearly deafening but the twins were right, the display left them in awe. Everyone’s jaws hung open as they watched the fireworks chaotically overtake the night sky. 
Takashi tightened his hold her waist and kissed her head before resting his chin on her head. Yes, this weekend would be remembered as a very important vacation for years and years to come. 
This concludes our Choose Your Own Adventure story! Thank you to everyone who liked, commented, and reblogged. You made this experience so much fun for me and for others around you! I hope you enjoyed this story and it’s ending. 
The poll asking if you’d like to experience another Choose Your Own Adventure story again had an overwhelming response and it was a landslide! Everyone but one voted yes! This means you can look forward to another interactive story in the near future. 
Until then, have a good night!
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astrochats · 4 years
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Astro Scales: an overview
The basic premise of the Astro Scales system assumes that each astrological element (fire, water, earth, and air) is defined through two competing values. Of these two values, one represents the needs of the heart, while the other represents the logic of the head. Although the head/heart values come from different places, both of these values feel instinctual and fundamentally necessary to that element. Because these values are so instinctual, it can be easy for each element to assume that everyone else shares the same primary values as themselves.
Each of the elements has a different set of head/heart values. They are as follows:
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Fire (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
now vs. later
Fire is a highly instinctual element. A flame doesn’t know why it burns, just that it must continue to burn bright. Fire signs are instinctively attuned to their desires, and fulfilling those desires can feel like a matter of life and death. This results in the fire sign’s primary conflict between fulfilling their desires immediately and realizing that other considerations may force them to wait; in other words, a fire sign wants to have their cake and eat it too. If left to its own devices, a fire sign’s heart tells them to go after what they want in the most direct way possible (now). The conflicting head value is the fire sign’s awareness that immediate gratification may have consequences that prevent later gratification (later). 
Imagine the scenario of deciding whether or not to confront a friend whose behavior has hurt you in some way. For a fire sign in this situation, their heart value tells them to express their hurt right away, in the most direct manner. The conflicting head value, which might prevent them from taking this action, tells them to consider the potential consequences: perhaps confronting the friend will cause them to lose that friendship, to weaken their social network, or to miss out on later opportunities this friendship could bring them. The fire sign’s ultimate action will depend on whether the head or heart wins out in this particular scenario. Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius place differing weights on head vs. heart values; this is true of the three signs in each element, and we will discuss each sign’s specific scale breakdown in our next post.
***
Water (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
feeling vs. fantasy
Water is the domain of intuition, emotions, and the unconscious. Water signs are known to have powerful gut instincts; while they are generally less interested in analyzing the reasons why they do something, they know what feels right to them. For water signs, what they feel and what is real are one and the same. Thus we use the term “feeling” to encompass the unfiltered emotional sensation at the core of water signs’ heart value. If the heart value of feeling represents water signs’ raw emotions when meeting the world, their head value of fantasy reflects their need to filter mundane or senseless realities through the rose-tinted lens of a meaning-filled narrative. Water signs can grow very attached to the fantasies they create, even to the point of denying their true feelings in order to sustain a fantasy; therefore, breaking that fantasy can manifest as a real emotional loss. 
A water sign in the same scenario described above will behave differently than a fire sign. Led by their heart value of feeling, a water sign’s first instinct is to respond with their authentic emotions. This may look like lashing out -- purely venting their feelings rather than attempting to start a dialogue or solicit a response from the other party. It may be difficult for the water sign to suppress the overwhelming, even physiological response their emotions generate. The head value of fantasy can play out in multiple ways. For one, the water sign’s prevailing ideal of the friendship or friend in question may lead them to hold back their feelings out of fear that a confrontation would lead to the end of the friendship, and consequently their fantasy. They may think, “This person is my closest, dearest friend. I’m nothing without them.” However, fantasy could also lead the water sign to cast themselves as a victim and their friend as a villain, and they may even carry out this new narrative through a dramatic confrontation that seems disproportionate to the initial offense.
***
Earth (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
conviction vs. compromise
Earth signs are unshakeable in their principles: “No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it.” Just as the mountain will not bend to outside forces, earth signs’ heart value of conviction in what they know to be true gives them a strong sense of self. An earth sign will not violate their principles unless their competing head value of compromise overrules the heart. For an earth sign, the idea of compromise is based in an understanding that we all have our own convictions; in order to be fair to everyone’s convictions, some small sacrifices or concessions must be made. This may be why earth is known to be a more practical and worldly element. 
An earth sign in the scenario described above would feel compelled to confront their friend if the friend had offended their principles. They might not be led so much by their feelings of hurt, as a water sign would, but rather by a righteous sense that the friend wronged them. The value of compromise might come into play if the earth sign realized that speaking their mind would not result in a better outcome for all parties: perhaps the confrontation would make things awkward in the future, create unnecessary drama, or seem inappropriately timed. If the earth sign’s desire to maintain stability overruled their trust that their friend would be receptive to their concerns and change the hurtful behavior, the earth sign would feel disinclined to make trouble by confronting the friend, and might instead avoid them or keep them at a distance.
***
Air (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
knowledge vs. faith  
A keyword for air signs is “systems”. Air signs enter the world as a blank slate, and build their understanding of the world through logic, reason, and systems of their own creation. This is why air signs’ heart value is knowledge: their trust in the logical process through which they have come to understand the world. Anything that defies logic can feel incomprehensible to an air sign and make them feel lost – this is when they lean on their head value of faith in others, trusting that someone else’s knowledge or beliefs can guide them in the absence of their own knowledge. Ironically, the realm of feeling and emotion (which necessarily defies logic) is often where air signs rely on their head value the most. 
An air sign in the scenario described above would wait to confront a friend until they were able to understand their own feelings/position in a very systematic way -- they might prefer to write down their feelings in a letter or a list, and might even consult with other friends to confirm their own position before having the confrontation. They would choose not to confront the friend if they still had enough faith in that person to give them the benefit of the doubt, or if they thought that the friend in question was immovable. Regardless, air signs would aim to resolve the situation without being overly emotional or talking about how it made them feel, unless they could be relatively objective about it. 
***
Final notes
After reading through this post, you may be thinking, “But I can relate to many/all of these values and conflicts. How is it possible for anyone to only hold one pair of these values?” Indeed, most people will relate to experiencing all four of these head/heart conflicts at one time or another -- all of these pairs of values speak to universal facets of the human condition, and all four speak to a crucial tension between the self (heart) and others (head). But our theory posits that an element’s head/heart values are not just “important” or “relatable” to that element -- they in fact reveal the element’s very essence, the basic matter that joins together and comprises all three signs of that element.
You may also be wondering how the Astro Scales system takes into account the many planets and signs that comprise a person’s entire natal chart. Generally, we feel that since the sun sign represents a person’s ego or soul, most people’s values will align with the element of their sun sign (so a person whose sun is in Aries will be defined through the now vs. later values of fire). However, if you have a strong influence of another element(s) in other areas of your chart, that element’s values will also likely play a role in your overall value system.
Look forward to our next post, where we will break down all four elements by sign and explain how the scales are balanced differently for the three signs within each element.
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xtruss · 3 years
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Are You Ready and Willing to Be Free Again?
“Care what other people think of you and you will always be their prisoner.” — Lao Tzu
— By Stacey Rudin | September 16, 2021
The modern West’s sudden and near universal acceptance of “lockdowns” — a novel concept of government-enforced house arrest — signifies a far-reaching and sinister shift away from bedrock democratic values. When fear was injected into the atmosphere by the media, the West was a sitting duck, ready to accept any lifeline offered by any politician — even the communist dictator — in a stunning reversal of our nation’s founding principles.
“Give me liberty or give me death” was our original rallying cry. Oppressed by British rule, Americans rebelled. They fought for independence, for the right to live their own lives in their own way. This passion for liberty created the most successful republic in history, a nation to be proud of — a beacon of hope and prosperity for people of all nations.
Today’s Americans behave in a diametrically opposed manner, trusting the government with blind allegiance and giving it full and total control over their wellbeing. Even personal health decisions like whether or not to receive a quickly-developed vaccination are entrusted to politicians to mandate. Any neighbor who disagrees is marginalized and rejected: “She’s an antivaxxer; she must be an ignorant Trump supporter.”
You cannot betray the concept of “give me liberty or give me death” any further than by adopting the premise that no one can disagree with you and still be a reasonable person. When you are on board with a plan that includes subverting your neighbors’ autonomy and violating their bodies as you deem necessary to satisfy the people on TV, you’ve rejected the American experiment. You’re a collectivist, and I wonder: have you looked into how well collectivist systems have worked out for regular people lately?
It is shocking how many people appear to want to live in a world where everyone thinks just like they do. The average person quickly distances himself even from political opponents, as if it would be desirable to have just one political party that everyone votes for. Yet in 2021, in affluent coastal communities, republicans have to pretend to be democrats, and they actually do it. When even this commonplace difference of opinion cannot be accepted and dealt with, it’s clear we’ve moved far away from prizing eccentricity as John Stuart Mill did in 1859, back when Liberty was cool:
“[T]he mere example of non-conformity, the mere refusal to bend the knee to custom, is itself a service. Precisely because the tyranny of opinion is such as to make eccentricity a reproach, it is desirable, in order to break through that tyranny, that people should be eccentric. Eccentricity has always abounded when and where strength of character has abounded; and the amount of eccentricity in a society has generally been proportional to the amount of genius, mental vigor, and moral courage which it contained. That so few now dare to be eccentric, marks the chief danger of the time.”
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“The mind-bending part of conformist behavior is this: we all know the truth. We know. We just aren’t saying or doing it”
This fear of eccentricity — which I’d argue is tantamount to freedom — was laid bare in March 2020. Even when the “deadly disease” propaganda out of China was thickest, the average person really did not want to lock herself at home and pull her children out of school, let alone force people out of work. Yet it was only the very rare person who made this desire public. Everyone else pretended to agree — they decided to “go along to get along.” They put the “stay home, save lives” sticker on their Facebook profiles. They did drive-by birthday parades (my God.) And now that the failure of lockdowns is irrefutable, they refuse to admit they were wrong, afraid to face the damage they helped to cause.
To summarize, the appearance of universal agreement with lockdown was just that: an appearance. Agreement was depicted because most people do “what’s cool,” and because mass media is everywhere, and because social media astroturf propaganda efforts are very effective. A society that wants to “be cool” is very easy to manipulate. The dissenters will betray themselves to stay cool, so just make something appear cool, and the conformists will jump on board.
To today’s Americans, appearances are everything — we are afraid to be different, lest it make our friends uncomfortable (maybe we will lose one, whatever will we do?!) We have ceased caring about truth and authenticity entirely. We have tacitly agreed as a society that true things should be hidden whenever they conflict with what is “popular”; with what everyone “smart” and “cool” is doing. Anyone acting outside of these boundaries — the “eccentrics” of centuries past, considered by Mill to be geniuses — are today’s untouchables.
In a nation founded by rebels, somehow it has become cool to be a conformist.
Thanks to lockdowns, we know that people want to “stay cool” more than they want they want their kids educated, more than they want to open their businesses, and more than they want to breathe freely. They will even accept open-ended vaccine dosages for an illness that poses less risk to them than driving a car — anything to “stay cool.” Disagreeing with someone is too much for Americans today. Confrontation is so scary that we’d rather let society dictate who we are; that way, everyone else will feel comfortable.
“Care what other people think of you and you will always be their prisoner.” — Lao Tzu
This is how the West sacrificed freedom before lockdowns were ever imposed. We care far too much what other people think of us. We fear freedom. Freedom is truth and authenticity and acting in your own interest, as your own person, even when — especially when — it makes other people uncomfortable. Why would you want a bunch of fake “friends” who only like the image you’re projecting? They will leave you the second your social power is tarnished. If you’ve never burned a bridge in your life, these are the people you’re surrounded by, guaranteed.
Speaking the truth, even when it burns bridges, will dissatisfy just the people you want to be rid of: the people who want you in a box, who resent having to follow onerous rules themselves, and mean to force you to do the same. The only power they have is the power to reject you, and once you don’t care about that, you’re free. You say the truth, accept the results, walk away from the wrong people and end up with the right ones.
Trade truth for popularity, by contrast, and you kill yourself in a sense. All that’s left of “you” is what society finds acceptable, which isn’t “you” at all. It’s completely external to you and has nothing to do with you. By conforming, you betray yourself by accepting the premise that there is something wrong with the real you. Maybe you’re so bent on being perfect (as defined by others) that you don’t even know what “you” is. That would make you the perfect cog in a machine, but as for your personal well-being, there is nothing worse. You will suffer.
“We defraud ourselves out of what is actually useful to us in order to make appearances conform to common opinion. We care less about the real truth of our inner selves than about how we are known to the public.” — Montaigne
The mind-bending part of conformist behavior is this: we all know the truth. We know. We just aren’t saying or doing it. There are dozens, hundreds of people who email me thanking me for opposing lockdowns and for standing up for medical choice and privacy. So why aren’t they doing this themselves, if they admire it so much, and know it needs to be done? If everyone did it, there could be no repercussions for any of us. Yet it isn’t happening because we are scared of telling the truth, which means we fear freedom. Far too many of us fear freedom.
We fear freedom and authentic humanity so much that we pretend people are robots. One glimpse of human frailty and a person can be blacklisted without a trial. Humanity is barbaric at present, demanding a certain perfect image and absolute cooperation with majority rule or social death. It isn’t hard to understand why people eventually crack in such a system, or develop severe anxiety disorders. Consider one of my favorite passages of literature from modern philosopher Karl Ove Knausgaard, discussing how he was banished by his family for simply telling the truth in his epic autobiographical novel:
“The social dimension is what keeps us in our places, which makes it possible for us to live together; the individual dimension is what ensures that we don’t merge into each other. The social dimension is based on taking one another into consideration. We also do this by hiding our feelings, not saying what we think, if what we feel or think affects others. The social dimension is also based on showing some things and hiding others. What should be shown and what should be hidden are not subject to disagreement . . . the regulatory mechanism is shame. One of the questions this book raised for me when I was writing it was what was there to gain by contravening social norms, by describing what no one wants to be described, in other words, the secret and the hidden. Let me put it another way: what value is there in not taking others into account? The social dimension is the world as it should be. Everything that is not as it should be is hidden. My father drank himself to death, that is not how it should be, that has to be hidden. My heart yearned for another woman, that is not how it should be, it must be hidden. But he was my father and it was my heart.”
“He was my father and it was my heart.” What is there to gain by calling Knausgaard a freak and rejecting him, when we know these things happen all the time — alcoholism and infidelity? Shouldn’t we revere him for his brave example, for his confidence? I find his display of human vulnerability incredibly attractive, perhaps because I see so little of it in my daily life. I’m tired of the display of perfect people with perfect lives and perfectly-scheduled, perfect kids on the path to Harvard. I want the mess, and I want to show my mess and still be accepted and loved.
Knausgaard, I guess, is the rare modern eccentric. He puts it all out there. Here he is again, discussing the purpose of publishing a novel so true that he lost family members over it:
“I was there, turning 40. I had a beautiful wife, three beautiful kids, I loved them all. But still I wasn’t truly happy. It’s not necessarily the curse of the writer, this. But maybe it’s the curse of the writer to be aware of it, to ask: why is all this, all I’ve got, not enough? That’s really what I’m searching for, in this whole thing, an answer to that question.”
Maybe that’s the heart of it all — even the heart of the current crisis. We are all so empty despite “having it all,” because “it all” has been defined by something other than us. Hollywood, the media, popular politicians — they are telling us what to be, and we have listened, and we are miserable. We are lying, pretending, putting on a show; hiding our pain with drugs, drink, porn, overspending. Things that they sell us.
The end result of this entire exercise in anti-self-development is lockdowns and forced perpetual vaccinations, a segregated society with everyone suspicious of everyone else, and technological apartheid on the horizon. Slavery. If we had all defined ourselves, instead of turning into a mass with one hive mind, afraid of any differences — of freedom — would we be here? I don’t think so. We’d be happy, healthy, and free.
“To be satiated with the ‘necessities’ of external success is no doubt an inestimable source of happiness, yet the inner man continues to raise his claim, and this can be satisfied by no outward possessions. And the less this voice is heard in the chase after the brilliant things of this world, the more the inner man becomes a source of inexplicable misfortune and uncomprehended unhappiness.” — Carl Jung
We’ve neglected individuality in pursuit of perfect conformity, and as a result we’ve become a miserable society filled with miserable people who will never feel safe enough. There is no boundary they will not cross in pursuit of perfect compliance with the rules, doing anything and everything that’s needed to “be cool” today, as defined by The Today Show. “Come to our all-vaccinated wedding!” “I won’t play tennis with ‘the unvaccinated,’ regardless of the fact that I took my own vaccine and stand 40 feet away.”
This is what we’ve become.
We simply must revisit truth and authenticity sometime very soon. We urgently need to find what’s real in all of this fake, and that can’t be done without individual human voices. If you care about liberty, you must do this one scary thing: embrace it. Be free. “But to be free, you have to be inconsiderate.” Yes. Inconsiderate to others, but considerate to yourself. Speak now or forever hold your peace.
— Stacey Rudin is an attorney and writer in New Jersey, USA
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z-mantra · 4 years
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Attachment Styles
If you know me well you’d know I’ve been doing a lot of psychology related reading and exploring. And as you all know, this is a topic I’ve been obsessed with to say the least.
It’s a science that explains why most of us behave the way we do. I’m going to write down a summary of the topic I keep lecturing everyone about, but if you are captivated by the topic or just interested in knowing more I urge you to read the book  ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, it’s an amazing book, with comprehensive information and exercises that helps you determine your attachment style, others and generally an in-depth concept of the how to become more secure in your attachments.
If you need any help finding the book reach out to me and I’ll help.
BismAllah Alrahman Alraheem
Where do attachment styles originate from? Attachment Style in adults is based on Attachment Theory, which begins when you’re an infant, in the first 2 years of your life, and how your parents responded to your needs, that ultimately leads to your attachment pattern as an adult, you can find more on the topic here.
For example if your parents/caretaker respond to your feelings and needs early on, you are more secure to explore, and vice versa, if your parents/caretaker are ignoring your feelings you learn to ignore your feelings too thus becoming somewhat avoidant. It’s also linked greatly with Childhood neglect & there also a great book that covers that topic called ‘Running on Empty’ by Jonice Web.
 There are Four types of Attachment Styles or patterns, I think it’s important to mention that this is a spectrum, so you can relate 100% or only 10%. It’s also important to note that this is a pattern of your attachment in relationships generally and not exclusively the romantic kind.
1.       Secure: These are the balanced individuals who are capable of attaching to others in a healthy way, they are capable of giving & receiving affection, communicating their needs confidently without feeling needy and responding positively to the needs of those around them without feeling suffocated by the dependency of others, they have a positive outlook of themselves and their partner/others in a relationship and they are more likely to be in committed relationships.
Quoting the book, “Such people want to be close; at the same time they are not overly sensitive to rejection. They are also great communicators and know how to get their message across in a way that is straightforward yet not accusing. Once you get close to someone with this attachment style, you don’t have to negotiate intimacy anymore: It becomes a given. This frees both of you to enjoy life and grow. They listen to your point of view and try to make things work in a way that will be acceptable to you both. They have an innate understanding of what a romantic partnership means—namely, that your partner’s well-being is your own and vice versa. These qualities allow you to be your most authentic self, which research has shown to be one of the most important factors contributing to your overall happiness and well-being.”
All the other attachment types fall under insecure which are:-
2.       Anxious/Anxious-Preoccupied: These are individuals who need constant reassurance & is constantly seeking intimate deep relationships & closeness, they have a negative sense of self and a positive one of their partner/others, they are clingy, hyper vigilant towards abandonment and their sense of self depends on how their partner sees them.
“They grew up without healthy boundaries & have little to no guidance on how to nurture their individuality.” _As a result of this, they often give their all to the relationship and are completely consumed by it.
They are often described as, “They _adjust themselves to their partner’s needs.”
“Tend to become manipulative, lash out using guilt to get their constantly needed reassurance.”
“Often feel emotional hunger.”
“Always feel like they’re not good enough so they engage in protest behavior to get their partner’s attention.”
“Any disconnection causes emotional breakdown.”
Jealous and Difficult when triggered, adopt controlling behavior when they feel disconnected from their partner/others.
Because they have such a negative image of themselves, they cling unto others to meet their emotional needs so they tend to be overly demanding and sensitive.
The book quotes “Someone with an anxious attachment style crave intimacy but is also very sensitive to even the smallest of perceived threats to this closeness. Sometimes they’ll interpret your unconscious actions as a threat to the relationship. When this happens, they become flooded with apprehension, but they lack the skills to communicate their distress to you effectively. Instead, they resort to a lot of acting out and drama. This can create a vicious cycle as they become even more sensitive to slights and their distress is compounded.”
 3.       Dismissive Avoidant: This can be pretty much summarized in two words, emotionally unavailable. **These are individuals who do not like do engage in feelings, individuals who cope to emotion by repressing their needs & feelings, has a tendency to be closed off, They come across as self-sufficient, independent & can avoid true intimacy. They seek space frequently to push themselves away from being vulnerable.
They see emotions as weakness and shut down & get turned off by people expressing emotions/affection, come off as overly focused on themselves and attending their comforts.
They often lack empathy & won’t reach out if they are feeling overwhelmed and are likely to start to demonstrating deactivating strategies when they’re met with affection. They are big on distracting mechanisms and tend to deny what’s going around them.
They are described by others as “They might act healthy and resilient but they are very out of touch with themselves.”
“They have a difficult time learning from their experiences since they’re not paying attention.”
“Love sweeping things under the rug.”
“Hard to connect with because they’re so disassociated.”,
“Love feeding their ego by getting others attached to them.” And this somewhere was divided to two categories, either narcissists with a personality disorder, who act charming in the beginning and deliberately as a game to throw you in then pull away or genuine but they start closing off when a certain level of closeness is established. 
They have a highlighted sense of self and a negative one of others; their deactivating strategies might be finding flaws in others whenever they start become too close, feels their sense of freedom is threatened and their partner wants to control them so they start distancing themselves and would rather hurt someone than be hurt themselves, emotionally speaking.
They are described in the book as
“Someone secure or anxious has a basic wish to be close; with someone avoidant that basic desire is missing. While they have a need for attachment and love—they too possess a basic mechanism in the brain to get attached—they tend to feel suffocated when things get too close. With avoidant, everyday interactions and conversations, whether they’re about which channel to watch on TV or how to raise the kids, are actually negotiations for space and independence. You often wind up complying with their wishes—because otherwise they will withdraw. Research shows that avoidant hardly ever date one another. They simply lack the glue that keeps things together.”
 4.       Fearful Avoidant: which possess both qualities of anxious and avoidant. “They are a delicate mixture of fearing being too close or too distant from others; they can be unpredictable & are often overwhelmed by their own emotions” “When people get too close to them they fear people hurting them and fear being abandoned.” “They struggle with a lot of inner conflict between wanting intimacy and resisting it, as a result they experience many highs and lows in relationships.”
They have a negative view of themselves & others.
Also described as “This attachment style is a combination of anxious + dismissive. They see the value of a relationship but are scared to fall in love. They know once they're in love they get very attached to their partner, so they try their best to avoid relationships (even though they really want one). They tend to have a negative view of themselves and need their partner to validate them. But they also have a negative view of others and therefore don't trust anyone enough to fall in love. They are hesitant about sharing their feelings unless they know for sure they will get a positive response.”
 “Most people do not fit the attachment style prototypes perfectly; instead, researchers measure attachment style as a spectrum. In attachment questionnaires, researchers give participants questions measuring both their anxiety and avoidance in relationships. Anxiety survey items include statements such as, “I'm afraid that I will lose my partner's love,” while avoidance survey items include statements like, "I don't feel comfortable opening up to romantic partners.” On these measures of attachment, fearful avoidant individuals score highly on both anxiety and avoidance.”
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As seen above in the Illustration from Wikipedia, a person with a secure attachment has a positive view of oneself and others, opposite to a fearful-avoidant who has a negative image of oneself and others. People with an avoidant attachment have a positive self-image of themselves and a negative one of others, contrary to anxious who has a negative self-image and positive one of others.
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap
“We call this situation the “anxious-avoidant trap,” because like a trap, you fall into it with no awareness, and like a trap, once you’re caught, it’s hard to break free.”
Generally in relationships, as mentioned above, people with an avoidant attachment have difficulty sustaining relationships because they simply lack the depth.
Secure & Secure pairings are healthy relationships as well as Secure with any other insecure partner because they are flexible enough to provide the reassurance or space the others need.
Anxious & Anxious pairings can have a lot of highs and lows but it’s moderately difficult since they are both seeking the same needed reassurance, it is explained nicely here.
So that leaves only one pairing left, the most destructive of them all. Most of us have seen this pairing and marveled at how they seem to gravitate towards in each and their very strange dynamic.
This pairing is one of the complete opposites, and that’s why they gravitate towards each other, they have a push and pull dynamic. Here’s a video that explains this pairing.
This duo is one that is completely destructive because normally individuals with an anxious attachment are drawn to unfulfilling people due to their negative self-image.
They chase avoidant-dismissive individuals for any kind of reassurance, the avoidant however, have a positive self-image and a negative of others so they never provide that reassurance, causing the anxious to continue seeking closeness and trying to break the walls of the closed off avoidant, this feed the ego of the avoidant, and because the avoidant was neglected, they grow fond of the growing admiration of the anxious towards them, again this is because the anxious has a negative self-image and a tendency to be preoccupied with others, however, this all fails when a certain level of comfort and closeness is established, the avoidant starts to feel suffocated and portrays deactivating strategies that aggravate the anxious, causing instability, triggering both their insecurities, resulting in yet another clash.
Because the avoidant has a fear of abandonment, the growing frustration of the anxious is deemed a threat to the avoidant so the avoidant throws a bone to the anxious, giving them their needed assurance.
This feels like a high for the anxious or peek of gratification, giving them enough fuel to continue, to seek even greater closeness causing the avoidant to feel completely suffocated yet again and so on…
They are described in the book as “The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it particularly hard to move toward more security is primarily because they are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities. People with an anxious attachment style cope with threats to the relationship by activating their attachment system—trying to get close to their partner. People who are avoidant have the opposite reaction. They cope with threats by deactivating—taking measures to distance themselves from their partners and “turn off” their attachment system. Thus the closer the anxious tries to get, the more distant the avoidant acts. To make matters worse, one partner’s activation further reinforces the other’s deactivation in a vicious cycle, and they both remain within the relationship “danger zone.” In order to move toward more security both members of the couple need to find a way to feel less threatened, get less activated/deactivated, and get out of the danger zone.
 TELLTALE SIGNS OF THE ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT TRAP( FROM THE BOOK)
1. The roller-coaster effect._ In the relationship you never sail along on an even keel. Instead, every once in a while, when the avoidant partner makes him/herself available to the anxious partner, the latter’s attachment system is temporarily quieted and you achieve extreme closeness—leading to the feeling of a “high.” This closeness, however, is perceived as a threat by the avoidant partner and is quickly followed by withdrawal on his or her part—only to create renewed dissatisfaction for the anxious partner.
2. The emotional counterbalancing act._ If you’re avoidant, you often inflate your self-esteem and sense of independence in comparison to someone else. If you’re anxious, you are programmed to feel “less than” when your attachment system gets activated. Frequently avoidant feel independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy and incapable. This is one of the main reasons avoidant hardly ever date one another. They can’t feel strong and independent in relation to someone who shares the same sentiment as they do.
3. Stable instability._ The relationship may last for a long time, but an element of uncertainty persists. As illustrated on page 158, you may remain together but with a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, never finding the degree of intimacy that you are both comfortable with.
4. Are we really fighting about this?_ You may feel that you’re constantly fighting about things you shouldn’t be fighting about at all. In fact, your fights aren’t about these minor problems but about something else altogether— the amount of intimacy between you.
5. Life in the inner circle as the enemy._ If you are anxious, you find that you’re getting treated worse instead of better once you become the person closest to the avoidant partner.
6. Experiencing the trap._ You develop the eerie sense that the relationship is not right for you, but you feel too emotionally connected to the other person to leave._
Reconciliation:
• Conflict is often left unresolved because the resolution itself creates too much intimacy. If you are anxious or secure, you genuinely want to work out a relationship problem. However, the resolution itself often brings a couple closer together—this is a scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant partner wants to avoid. While people with an anxious or secure attachment style seek to resolve a disagreement to achieve greater emotional closeness, this outcome is uncomfortable for the avoidant who actually seeks to remain distant. In order to dodge the possibility of getting closer, avoidant tend to grow more hostile and distant as arguments progress. Unless there is recognition of the process involved in an anxious-avoidant conflict, the distancing during conflict tends to repeat itself and causes a lot of unhappiness. Without addressing the issue, the situation can go from bad to worse.
• With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground: During bitter fights between anxious and avoidant partners, when there are no secure checks and balances in place, people with anxious attachment style tend to get overwhelmed by negative emotions. When they feel hurt, they talk, think, and act in an extreme manner, even to the point of threatening to leave (protest behavior). However, once they calm down, they become flooded with positive memories and are then overcome with regret. They reach out to their partner in an attempt to reconcile. But they are often met with a hostile response, because avoidant react differently to a fight. They turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the worst of their partner.
 Conclusion.
In conclusion, it’s important to recognize your attachment styles and gain awareness of the pattern you follow and attract in your life. It’s supported to also surround yourself with secure individuals, in case you’re any of the insecure types to meet your needs without triggering your insecurities.
I have read books, a lot of articles watched a lot of videos and listened to a number of podcasts for this topic, and I hope it helped you understand yourself and others a little better, All items in bolt an italic are quotes from the book.
Other References,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s9ACDMcpjA
https://youtu.be/23ePqRkOKtg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8yhFBqipk0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCxagbehJoU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9ILyee_yko
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-47gAh9S-Fw
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults
https://www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/styles-adult-attachment/
http://the-love-compass.com/2014/03/15/attachment-pairings-finding-the-best-fit/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI
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tobeornottotc · 7 years
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BTS Love yourself Analysis  MAMA AND LIE PT 2
This is a brain dump this means that there is a lot of just spurred notes here and there analysing the BTS theories,  I will be doing more brain dumps like these to get to the root of the story before Love yourself the film  airs next year
Extracts in bold are from  
http://weinholds.org/how-the-false-self-gets-created/
http://brettnewcomb.com/the-false-self-and-the-co-dependent-on-the-death-of-the-object/
Let me know your own theories and how you think the storyline began and ended, because the timeline is what’s throwing me off a lot.
Thanks R.
Cain and Abel- Jealousy, Betrayal, Brotherhood, Youth
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MAMA and LIE (2)
The co-dependent false self
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So I did a theory about how Jimin and Jhope are mirror characters of each other, one in a dark light, the other good. So Big hit finally released a message proving some of these theories, and the missing psychological piece was the idea of The Co-dependent false self.
“In the field of psychology, the mother and the According to Object Relations Theory, the mother’s primary job is to create a safe holding environment for the child while the child progresses through the stages of grandiose narcissism into the separation and individuation stage where the child learns that he and the mother, and in fact everyone else, are separate independent individuals. “
So first of all story wise we know that Jhope is suffering from Munchausen's syndrome which results, from the abandonment from his mother and this is shown in the Love yourself highlight reel videos.
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The idea of Co dependence is that the people who go through it, believe that they live in a dangerous world and they have to survive, by faking life, forge sensitive feelings for other people in order for them not get abandoned “again” By doing this they don’t learn who they are and find it hard to love themselves for who they are or know what they want. It’s sort of like making a bargain with the devil as long as they don’t get abandoned they will do whatever is required.  The devil in this case becomes a person who they want these appraisals from. The idea of doing the devil’s bargain calls back to Boy meets evil which is an introduction to the wings era where Jhope sings about love being evil. In the song he grows to realise that he has parts of himself that could be deemed as evil. In this case love becomes the devil. “It is about intoxication, encountering evil as you grow up and discover feelings like greed, ambition and lust. Realising parts of you that you know are evil and also being so in love that the rush they give you refuses to give them up, once again. So linked to drugs, being high and how youth is like that.” Yusa4321  wattpad
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   And that idea becomes engrained when trying to get to who Jhope and Jimin are in this arc, what they truly are going through, and their storyline. If J hope is meant to be Jimin’s Demian then how can he do that when he doesn’t even know his own self?  Also brings the question does Jimin also have something similar as well if so why does he suffer from this as well. This probably explains why the two of them are chosen to dance solo at the beginning of the wings era concerts as well. We also see that Jimin is blinded struggling to wake up and notice what is going through with the guys. He’s being lied to and feels that struggle each time we see him dance. In reality people who go through co-dependence do not often consciously know that they have made these bargains as well.
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So mirror images, with the idea of the co-depence, the false self is created. “The underlying idea is that we learn to have a false self, a mask which we wear to present to the world as a way of protecting our inner self. This can be a healthy false self, like the person who has learned to be “ladylike” at all times and in all circumstances. (She would never say crap, even if she had a mouthful of it. She knows that ladies don’t speak that way.) These people are civil and socially adept and they know what they are doing, because they are behaving in ways that are internally consistent with their sense of self, their true self, even if they are behaving in deliberate ways to accommodate an external reality. These individuals who are operating from the false self that is unhealthy are often very angry and become passive aggressive., they are people that allow you to think you have an understanding and have agreed on things that they never intend to do, additionally, you will not find out that they never intended to do until it is too late. These individuals project their rage into others so their partners are often very angry. Fighting with them is like fighting Jello because there is no core to grapple with. How much of their true self is genuine and how much is a false self they learned to use to become safe with their objects, in this case their mothers.” It is often easier to have this conversation when the object in question has died.
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The False Self is an artificial persona that people create very early in life to protect themselves from re-experiencing developmental trauma, shock and stress in close relationships. This False or “public” Self appears polite and well-mannered, and puts on a “show of being real.” Internally, they feel empty, dead or “phoney,” unable to be spontaneous and alive, and to show their True Self in any part of their lives.
This why I have to think that Jimin also suffers from this, he states in his song that he’s caught in lie that feels like a prison, WHY? He’s begging to be saved and released from the lie, but we don’t know what the lie is, and also we see in the love yourself poster Jimin’s poster said he has an issue and feels like he doesn’t deserve to be loved. The question is still Why?
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In regarding the idea of the false self-theory, Jimin and J hope are diagnosed by me to be on a different spectrum. In the false self-theory you can be either deflated and co-dependent or inflated and counter-dependent.
 Jimin and the co dependent False self (wanting to get love and please others). 
The co-dependent, deflated False Self is designed to please parents and maintain their conditional love. The counter-dependent inflated is designed to protect children from feeling their unmet dependency needs by maintaining distance between themselves and their parents.  However unfortunately, the True Self which operates from a sense of integrity, personal authenticity and connection to wholeness gets sacrificed in both adaptive processes.
This co-dependent behaviour also keeps people feeling weak and vulnerable, with strong needs to attach to others who seem stronger and more capable.
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This could definitely explain why Jimin is always linked to Jhope never separate apart from spring day when he left the train first without anyone. And why they’re both very cute with each other for example Jhope covering him as he sleeps. I think I mentioned before about the idea that the apples Jimin keeps being connected could hint to the type of story he has, it’s linked to Demian when Sinclair is of a young age and is forced to steal apples because he works under an abusive or harsh person Kromer. Due to this idea maybe Jimin lives under an area where his abusive hold could be linked to water, or some kind of torture with water as we see he keeps on being heavily linked to water. Could also be hinting to baptising of sins or rebirth.
 By maintaining a distance of subject of the feelings, thinking he’s unlovable and doesn’t deserve love it could be hinted that if he was in a love triangle he would keep doing the same thing and maybe lie in order for Jhope or the girl to be happy.
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  J hope and The Counter dependent False Self
The inflated counter-dependent False Self helps children block feelings of shame about being loved conditionally and from falling into states of developmental shock and trauma related to experiences involving abandonment and abuse. Those who use this defense typically act strong and capable, even though they do not feel that way inside.
Unfortunately children’s adaptation to their parents needs for them to adapt to lack of emotionally availability also forces them to abandon their inner urge to develop a separate True Self.
These “cosmic two-by-four” events not only shatter the defense system, they often trigger the very early and very dissociated memories that initially caused the individual to build an inflated counter dependent False Self. These wake-up calls shatter the False Self and drop the person into the Black Hole, a place where people feel shattered, alone.
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So what we keep seeing each time J hope is remembering his mum are times where his false self is being shattered and he’s struggling to love himself. J hope is oblivious to Jimin’s maybe feelings for the girl and oblivious to what’s occurring around him. In the music videos of INU and HYYH we see him always being asleep and being woken up. And we see him take pills and look at the mirror darkly. In reality J hope won’t be able to love himself until the false self is shattered, he also can’t be a Demian figure to Jimin though they mirror each other because he is not ready for that. That reminds me of a character in Demian Knau who tries to commit suicide, Sinclair is the person he’s trying to get as his role model/ Demian figure but Sinclair isn’t ready to cope with that and gets annoyed easily and leaves Knau in the dust with him feeling lonely and left alone.
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Is J hope then representing the Sinclair of that arc of Demian? Is Jimin then representing Knau? In my opinion this could actually make sense, I also think this is also represented by Rap Monster and V whose roles I will go into next time.
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weshallneverrevolt · 7 years
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Kesha - Rainbow
I really, really love Kesha’s new album. I also kind of love Kesha; in addition to making quality pop bangers I can play when I’m driving or at a party, she never takes herself too seriously. As someone who takes himself entirely too seriously, that’s something I respect.
So today, I’d love to rant about Rainbow.
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The reasons for Rainbow’s success go beyond its technical accomplishments (though those exist in spades.) It’s not because of timing, or because of a few great singles, or because pop music has needed something this year besides tired EDM influence and features by Quavo.
It succeeds instead because of who made it, and where her journey has taken her.
When Kesha first came on the scene with “Tik Tok,” nobody really knew what to make of her. My friend Daniel on his excellent podcast The Forty Ounce said that Kesha was one of those pop artists who is so disruptive that people hail them as the “death of music.” It was the same thing we said of Soulja Boy, boy bands, and emo, and the same thing internet commenters still echo about anything that dares to exist after 1990.
Ahem. Anyway.
The point is that Kesha’s personality lacked a certain…refinement compared to other pop stars. Her songs were catchy bangers with lyrics that combined a childlike sense of wonder with raunchy anecdotes about glitter-fueled parties, casual alcoholism, and sex with creepy old men.
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“Tik Tok” portrayed a woman who brushed her teeth with bourbon; “Your Love is My Drug” had that same woman sheepishly approach a boy by complimenting his beard. That nervous girl somehow hangs with adults, as evidenced by her favorite dive in “Take it Off” or the drunken callousness in deep cut “Fuck Him He’s a DJ.”
Kesha on Animal was a grown up that did not behave like a grown up. It made her endearing and, to some, insufferable. Her music was profoundly immature, but in that immaturity it also found an authenticity. It spoke to people who spent too much on a club cover, people desperately swiping right, debt-saddled millennials cruising their hometown streets in a parent’s Camry.
But even as the much more rock-inspired Warrior debuted, Kesha still felt like a bit of an enigma. Her image was larger than life to the point of being overwhelming. Warrior was a heavily concentrated version of her first record, with more guitars and a few ballads. The lyrics were still zany, raucous, and aggressive. There was still a safe distance from vulnerability, from the kind of intimacy that great songwriters put on display.
Unfortunately, we first experienced Kesha’s vulnerability in a tragic way.
Kesha’s extended battle with adequate-producer-turned-excellent-asshole Dr. Luke put a very dark dent in the armor of the party girl we all knew and loved. Rape and abuse turned into legal foot-stamping that kept a burgeoning artist under lock and key for years.
The silence was hard to watch.
So when Ke$ha finally broke free, we all naturally wondered how the incident would affect her next project. Something that terrible didn’t belong in the world of Kesha’s music, a world of glitter and shiny liquor bottles where everyone flirts with disaster, but ultimately makes it home okay.
Thankfully for us, she handled it better than anyone could have predicted. Rainbow does this in a few ways.
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The first is production. Kesha has fully embraced the country influences she flirted with on previous records, with just enough rockin’ to avoid its confines and just enough synths and drum machines to find a place on the pop shelf. The guest appearances are carefully chosen: the sensitive pianos of Ryan Lewis (“Praying” definitely has echoes of “Same Love”), the roaring and decidedly American guitars of the Eagles of Death Metal, and the triumphant gospel-esque horns on “Woman.”
But the most daring of those is from Dolly Parton on a cover of her own song (itself a cover) “Old Flames Can’t Hold a Candle to You.” This is an unapologetically country song. Kesha lets her twang out in full force, and it sounds amazing next to steel guitar, deep drums, and Dolly’s brittle sweetness,
It’s also a lovely song, heartfelt and wholesome. Not how you’d describe “Tik Tok.”
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The album has these echoes of humanity and vulnerability on other tracks. “Praying” is the song of a survivor, someone who has clung desperately to themselves and hung on. “Godzilla” sounds like a fun story written by fourth grade Kesha. Even the album’s poppiest moments like “Learn to Let it Go” address finding happiness, appreciating yourself, and reflecting on the past.
But the album still feels like a Kesha record, which is an amazing feat for a body of music so diametrically opposed to that kind of introspection. It’s Kesha throwing a party for herself: for finally making music she’s always wanted to make, for surviving betrayal and assault, for doing exactly and only what she wants when the legal system and one piece of shit tried to keep her from doing so.
And that, above all, is why Rainbow succeeds so much as a pop record. It’s imperfect, uneven, and unpredictable, much like the soul of the woman who wrote it. But it’s a monument to authenticity in a genre that has always been based on carefully crafted appearances and minimally worded approximations of feeling.
When you compare Kesha to someone like, say, Taylor Swift, that difference becomes incredibly sharp. Taylor is a master of crafting her image, of shifting it as the times and her brand require. Her newest “Look What You Made Me Do” seems to embody that concept in the strongest sense, a song that’s literally about how she subverted a narrative and made it her own. Or at least tried; jury’s still out on how reclaiming “snek” memes is working for her.
The point is that Rainbow is the natural next step of Kesha’s journey. By going through hell in her personal life, she managed to find herself artistically in a way that escaped her previous works. For all its stream of consciousness lyrics about Godzilla at the mall and nerds making computer games, Rainbow is arguably one of the most personal and authentic albums released this year.
And that’s a hell of a great surprise.
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Narcissistic Love versus Unconditional Love
From http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/
Anyone with a giving persona, and a desire to help others, attracts narcissists. You give, they take. It’s a match made in heaven  hell. It’s an utterly confusing dynamic, not least because it’s so surreal. One of the keys to sanity is understanding that, when it comes to love, narcissists come from a completely different place.
Pick an electrical appliance that you use a lot. Maybe your computer, or cellphone / i-phone, or MP3 player. Got one? O.k. You know how an appliance like that can make a great contribution to our lives, to the point where, when it’s working, we really love it for doing all those things?
That’s a lot what narcissistic “love” is like.
You know how, when you truly love someone, whether it’s a person, or even a pet, you can get really angry at them, yet despite the anger, you still feel love for them? That’s healthy unconditional love. It’s not something narcissists are familiar with.
Healthy unconditional love requires a bonding beyond the surface appearance and behaviour of someone. It’s a love that connects you from core to core. You could say it’s soul based.  It’s a love that goes beyond appearances. This is not to say that there are no limits to what you will tolerate. You might come to a point where the relationship no longer works, yet, on some level, you continue to love the person, despite their behaviour. This is why letting go can be so hard. There is a loving connection beyond behaviour and circumstances.
Narcissistic love is more superficial. We love appliances, as long as they do what they are supposed to do. Who decides what they are supposed to do? We do. Similarly, narcissists decide what other people are supposed to do and, when expectations are not fulfilled, the scene can be a lot like someone swearing at their computer for crashing. It’s not a love based on any core connection, it’s a love based on functionality. I don’t know about you, but I don’t exactly grieve when an appliance breaks down and I need to replace it (I might be upset about the cost and effort required for the replacement though).
The Lack of Deeper Connection
Unconditional love requires an awareness of a presence beyond appearances. I imagine that, for a narcissist, it would be akin to asking you to sit in front  of your computer and connect to its soul. You might laugh, you might shrug, you might blink. Chances are, you’re not going to find anything to connect to.
Not everyone is able to see beyond the superficial image of others. While doing so probably comes quite naturally to you, it’s important to realize that it is not natural to everyone. The ability to see other people at a deeper level, requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level.
For many reasons, that deeper connection to self can be absent. Simply put, due to a combination of severe trauma and a collection of beliefs that state that ‘facing the trauma will just make things worse’ someone can actually become completely cut off from their inner experiences. It’s a recipe for disconnection so to speak. With such disconnection comes the inability to deeply connect to others. On the receiving end, this can feel like the frustrating experience of not being seen by the other, and not being able to get through to them or really communicate with them.
You know those days when electrical appliances break down, and you entertain the hope that if you just “do the right thing” they will spring back to life? That’s the point when we tend to talk to our machines (“nooooo, don’t break down!”). It’s also the point where our conditional love is apparent. There is no old-appliances home for no longer functioning computers is there? Of course not. Now extend that analogy to people, and you’ve got a sense of an extremely narcissistic world-view.
Gradations of Narcissism
Obviously, there are gradations of narcissism. A little bit of narcissistic self-centredness is necessary. We are not talking about the necessity to meet your own needs here. We are talking about the narcissistic approach of treating people as a means to an end only. Full-blown narcissism is a personality disorder. If you are dealing with someone who loves you when “you do things right” and who stops loving you when you don’t, then you are dealing with narcissistic love, which really isn’t anything like unconditional love at all.
Narcissistic love is the “look at my new i-pod / friend ” love. Later it becomes the “that used to be my i-pod / friend but it no longer does what I want it to”.
Recognizing Narcissism
Narcissistic love in the workplace is a lot easier to figure out than it is in our personal relationships. In the workplace, a person with narcissistic personality disorder will treat you like their best friend when they want something from you or when they somehow look better due to being associated with you. The next moment (perhaps when you are working on a different project), they will completely ignore you.
In our private lives, narcissistic love is harder to spot because you might be on the “positive” receiving end much longer. If your functionality includes: ��a shoulder to cry on and a willingness to listen to a lot of venting, then you might be kept in the “appliances I love” category for a very long time.
They Love Me, They Love Me Not
Trying to understand narcissists from the perspective of unconditional love is endlessly confusing. It’s a flower with an endless number of petals: “they love me, they love me not, they love me, they love me not…” Think back to a time when you were in love with someone, and you weren’t sure whether that feeling was reciprocated. It’s agonizing, right? Usually though, that uncertainty wouldn’t last too long. At some point, you’d get a yes or no. With a narcissist, you’ll never get the answer, because it’s not unconditional love to start out with anyway. Whenever you behave the way they want you to, they love you, and when you don’t, they love you not. Yet if you ask a narcissist whether they love someone, they might well say “yes”. Translation: “Yes, I love this person like an appliance, when they do what I want them to”.
The Desire to Fix the Relationship
Being on the receiving end of narcissistic love can make us feel like we need to try harder. Yet at the same time, it can make us feel that, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (which is true). We can come to believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship. For someone who has blocked their heart, to the point where they cannot connect to themselves, superficial functional connections are all that is possible though.
It takes two to have a healthy relationship.
It is impossible to love someone who will not let themselves be seen, even to themselves. The mystery of that can be addictive though. Again, the idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create authentic connection’, can keep us tied up in a relationship that really only revolves around functionality, but, like a quest for a holy grail, holds the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love.
For all practical purposes though, this is like trying to deeply connect to an appliance. Narcissists treat others like appliances, because that is as far as their own level of awareness about themselves goes. They are unavailable to us, because – in a deeper way – they are unavailable to themselves. We can’t have a truly loving relationship with a narcissist, no matter how hard we try, there is just nothing to deeply connect to. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable heart.
The Dream versus the Reality
When it comes to loving a narcissist, all we can really do is love a dream we have of them.
This dream can be so strong (and beautiful) that it becomes something that we come to superimpose on the true narcissist. Every little positive spark of something nice they said or did, enforces the “truth” of that dream. This keeps us at a seemingly safe distance from what is really happening. The dream keeps the painful reality at bay. However, at some point, it’s necessary to see the dream for what it is and recognize that it is impossible to love or be loved by the narcissist.  It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that they have made themselves completely unavailable to unconditional love.
(If, right now, you are thinking that – despite everything – you do truly and deeply love a narcissist, then ask yourself whether you have allowed yourself to feel any hate or anger towards them. Due to all kinds of beliefs about how we’re supposed to feel, our true feelings can become buried very deeply. When it comes to dealing with narcissists, however, any feelings of anger and hate are (as long as they are processed in a healthy way) extremely liberating and healing. It can be a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with your psychic radar: that you did know that this person is not a good person for you to spend time with! (You may just not have been able to face the reality of narcissists before and therefore had to deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution.)
What About Helping a Narcissist to Heal?
If you’ve ever tried to really help a narcissist, you know that the closer you get to the heart of the matter, the closer you get to things blowing up in your face. The narcissist doesn’t want their issues to be solved, they much prefer to blame others for their problems. No matter how good your solution may be, share it with a narcissist and they will either find reasons why it doesn’t work or will suddenly come to the “insight” that the true problem lies elsewhere. It’s a diversion tactic. Blame energizes them and keeps them at arms length from their true issues.
Some people believe that sending/giving unconditional love will help, but here’s the thing: narcissists don’t want unconditional love. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty. It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change. In the narcissist’s mind, these are all awful things that are to be avoided at all costs.
So, when it comes to helping narcissists, every time it seems you are getting somewhere, you are faced anew with an impenetrable wall. Face it, they want to stay behind it. It’s not your fault that you cannot love or be loved by them, they were never available for real love in the first place.
The best thing to do is to let them be and move on. If you can’t seem to move on, ask yourself: what am I hoping to receive?  What do I still want from them? Then  consider: Have I ever received this from them in the past?
If so:  what did I need to do/give/give up for that? Was it worth it?
If not: since the person in question is resistant to change, what are the chances that our relationship will change in the way that I want it to?
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xox-hitorabu-xox · 7 years
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|| I’d just like to say that ENTP(NeTiFeSi)s may often come off as loners, but in truth, they NEED other people to bounce their ideas off of, ideas to discover, things to observe(whether they use the internet to do such a thing or not), unlike INTJ(NiTeFiSe)s who thrive in solitude, and can remain off the internet and to themselves in their rooms for months, and be absolutely fine. As an ENTP, I can stay to myself for a long time, but will most definitely get ansy if I have no connection to the outer world whatsoever(and I do crave see other people discuss ideas. Too much introversion can be harmful for Izaya, considering how he punched a telephone pole when he was left to think for himself too long. He’s really good at denying feelings which is in relation to inferior Si. For instance, this scene from novel 4 also:
——— Shinjuku lay itself bare before his eyes as Izaya began to think to himself.
-Peaceful everyday life is something I decided I could do without since long ago.Though it’s far from necessary for me, I do understand why it’s desirable for most people.
Izaya, jealous of the other participants of the chatroom who seemed to be enjoying the peace of their lives, felt like he was jealous of the city Ikebukuro itself as he looked up at the sky through the window. ———- Despite being jealous, he still tried to deny that he wasn’t. He also understands that when he acts on a high mood, things never turn out well, but even so he still acts impulsive sometimes, and he just can’t stop. When things bottle up, and Izaya gets angry, he often gets rather reckless.(And as the narrator, he even admits, “I understand that if I take action when my mood is high, it won’t turn out well for me in the end. Although there are many times I cannot control myself and lead myself into terrible situations.”) Namie says something like “People often say the only ones who can kill are those prepared to be killed, but Izaya was the kind of man who was ready to be killed just to punch somebody in the face.”
Sure, novel 9 says that Izaya thought being left out was natural, and that he didn’t really mind, but that’s more likely a reflection on not having any friends or proper emotional support, because it also says, “He liked this place called ‘school’ where time was spent in groups.”
This scene from Durarara!! Light Novel 11(translation by Mizaya) shows Izaya’s mental extraversion(I will bold the important parts):
——– After getting a checkup at the hospital, Izaya was walking down the street trying to see what was going on in the city.
Although a couple of members of Dragon Zombie were following him in the distance, if he were attacked by a hostile group, it would be lethal.
However, Izaya was smiling as if he were enjoying such a thrill.
The results of the MRI and CT scan proved that his brain is neither damaged nor bleeding even though there is a scar on the surface of his skin. 
Actually the reason why Izaya was in such a good mood was not because he was in good health.
But there was no sign of any abnormality in my brain at all.
That means my personality is not a creation by anyone but myself.
While he was thinking those things, Izaya remembered an incident before his checkup — the conversation with the “otherworldly creature” called Sonohara Anri.
What would happen if Karisawa hadn’t taken care of the scene?
Would I have been attacked by Anri? Or would Anri’s mind break before that could happen?
Izaya cannot help but to find it amusing even though he had confronted the otherworldly creature that hurts humans. However, the reason why he found it amusing was not because of Anri’s otherworldliness but Karisawa saying she was friends with Anri.
Aa, as I expected, Karisawa-san and Yumasaki-kun are interesting.
I can’t help but to enjoy this world thanks to humans like them.
Izaya further thinks about it while chuckling.
But what would happen if most humans on the earth accept otherworldly creatures like they do?
If the world accepted these otherworldly creatures living a normal life, would I be able to observe these otherworldly creatures in the same way I do to humans?
It is certain that I have hatred towards “people who stop being human” like Sonohara Anri.
However, I am hardly interested in Celty Sturluson except for her “head”.
Izaya’s only interests are all humans and the afterlife.
If being dead means emptiness, there is nothing sadder for Izaya. That is because he will no longer be able to observe humans.
Even if after death people couldn’t do anything for eternity, if it were possible to become a spirit, that would be like heaven for Izaya.
That is the best finale for me.
However, the existence of Celty Sturluson showed Izaya new value.
He never believed in heaven or hell although spirits existed. After only reviewing the difference of beliefs of the afterlife for various cultures, he came to realise that there is no such standardised “new world” that continues from this life.
However, Dullahans just like the legend have been existing in this city of Ikebukuro.
Assuming that she is an authentic otherworldly creature, like the legend —- there might be a battlefield called ���Valhalla” as per Norse mythology or “Heaven” or “Hell”.
It’s not like Izaya wants to go to heaven by himself. 
If there is only heaven and hell, I am aware that I’d most likely go to hell.
What he is hoping is to be able to see how those humans that became spirits or souls behave in the “consecutive world”.
If I told the suicidal spirits that were hoping to see “emptiness”, “It’s too bad, your belief is incorrect. Your consciousness and suffering will continue forever,” what kind of reaction would they show me?
If I told humans who were killed by the death penalty and believe that it’s the same if you kill one person or massacre thousands, “It’s too bad but it’s not the same,” what kind of face would they show me?
On the other hand, if I told a dead person who didn’t want to leave their family behind and died with fear, “Congratulations, you can keep an eye on your family,” what kind of expression would they show me? How long would they keep watching their family? One year? Two years? Ten years? Forever? Or would they get bored in a few hours once they knew that they could see them anytime?
The world of the afterlife is unknown to anyone.
How would humans who are pushed into such an unknown world think? How would they behave?
He was in a state of ecstasy by imagining these human’s reactions, like a daydreaming child.
Izaya took out his cell phone, trying to search the internet for information on the movement of these police cars while daydreaming and smiling.
Suddenly, the cell phone vibrated and brought him completely back to reality. ———
There, he is considering a whole bunch of whatif scenarios of the external world, of possibilities, to the point of fanatsizing about it(both ENTPs and INTJs have been known to be in their heads a lot, but it is for different reasons.)
That aside, there’s something else I’d like to mention. INTJs also tend to plan everything out more thoroughly, whereas an ENTP is liable to not be too thorough with their planning. From my own experience, I can organize things if I really want to, but I’m honestly too lazy to stick with many things a lot of the time, unless it’s something I’m interested in and am enthusiastic about in which I’ll go above and beyond to express my enthusiasm. But when I don’t have the interest, sorry to the hundreds of people that were following me, I just lost interest and probably won’t ever be back. I will very often completely abandon projects, if I get bored or just lose inspiration. There are very few things I’m that enthusiastic about and those few things make me more happy than I could ever imagine(to the point of it being unhealthy in a way..) Also, I don’t know if I’m the only ENTP like this, but there are also very few things I feel that strongly about. I do have ticks and such(like people not giving me space to be flexible, or people not seeing all possibilities, or others being really closed-minded, and when people don’t welcome creativity, or especially people giving me rules that don’t make sense or seem arbitrary.), but I tend to be flexible to a fault, not wanting to take true sides on things(I bet a sound like a hypocrite, don’t I…? I guess it’s because I expect people to be as open-minded as I am, but if everybody was, this world would most certainly be doomed.). Being the most introverted of the extroverts, it’s also understandable that one would see me as introvert, as I didn’t really interact with people too much back in school during free time, though I would often end up dragged off by kids to eat lunch with them, before being forgotten again in a sense afterwardlike literally not noticed sometimes while others thought I was a little odd, but still ‘nice’, and they found my art skills astounding which was quite amusing and made me feel some what significant as I loved to charm people and recieve praise and feedback just like I crave questions from anons and comments on my posts, but it was fine because sometimes I prefered to sit back a little and observe. But that aside, INTJs and ENTPs often can also seem a lot alike on the outside, but down deep, the direction in which they process information is the exact opposite.
I also think Izaya’s bluntness and harsh way with words isn’t because he is INTJ, but because he is an ENTP with an unhealthy and underdeveloped Fe, due to lack of emotional nurturing from his parents and positive people.
I asked Funkymbtifiction, “could an unhealthy ENTP have an underdeveloped Fe? And how could such a thing effect them?” and this is what they said: —– Under developed Fe means one of two things:
1) You’re a jackass to everyone about everything, because you fail to realize that people’s feelings are valid, as are yours, and that you need to care how they feel, in order to win friends and influence people
2) You’re so “needy” that you must have everyone think you’re the smartest person in the room, all the time, and become insufferable; you spend a great deal of time trying to impress others, sometimes over-worrying that you insulted them, or through expressing your own emotions in awkward ways at the wrong time.
Healthy tert-Fe means: hey, we’re all good here, let’s have some fun, I talk, you talk, we share the floor, nobody gets too upset, how’s that sound?
———
Here are some things Shinra has said about Izaya:
“What those so-called ‘prophets’ are good at is in fact just exaggerating rumors to frighten people. Though, I’m not saying there are no real prophets among them. For instance…consider Izaya. He’s sort of like a prophet isn’t he? Isn’t he always saying mysterious things as if he could read your mind? He’ll appear like a ghost everytime something happens, and act as if everything’s happening the exact way he had expected, but he is actually as clueless as everyone else beforehand. Everything is obvious with the benefit of hindsight. Just like those self-proclaimed prophets, all he does is talk about things that have already happened as if he had expected them long in advance.” - Novel 5
“If Izaya were to debut as a prophet on television, he’d get pretty high ratings. Of course, when his following has reached a certain size, he would probably get tired of it, toss out a big prophecy such as “Japan is going to be submerged” and simply disappear into the commotion it would cause.” - Novel 5
“Just because he outwardly does work with the layout of human lives, he doesn’t like managing all other people’s lives. He’ll manipulate events from behind the scenes, but he’s not that assertive kind of man.
Although, no matter the result he would happily accept it with a face that ‘it was all according to my calculations.’
And everyone gets easily fooled by that.
He sees through all that. Everything up until now was in the palm of his hand.
They misunderstand that and despair arbitrarily. He enjoys seeing those expressions on people.
Only looking at his personality, he would only be an ’evil spirit,’ a ‘mysterious existence the world has not seen.’
I wonder if there are people who remember him with those sort of images. In actuality, it’s not impossible mistake him as such.
I want you to try and imagine it.
The man who suddenly appeared in front of you knows more about you than you yourself.
That fact in regards to the field of information should make him be called someone with an ‘adaptability’ or perhaps someone ‘broad minded and free in disposition.’ If it is something connected with life and death rather than being broad-minded then it is the ‘power of life and death,’ but anyway, if there is a human has been troubled by him, Izaya Orihara has that type of image.” - A Standing Ovation With Orihara Izaya (translation by Kaedesan721)
I think way too many people want to look at the stereotypes, don’t know the entire definition of introversion and extraverts.
Well, here’s a thought in regards to the ENTJs:
ENTJs can be a better leader in the sense that they enjoy the process of managing people and things and getting jobs done. ENTPs, on the other hand, only like to introduce ideas to the mass, whether or not things get finished is of second concern.
ENTJs can be said to be a little more stable and reliable in being a leader of a group. ENTPs are more or less like a wild card, or a black horse if you like.
….
ENTPs are inspired innovators, motivated to find new solutions to intellectually challenging problems. They are curious and clever, and seek to comprehend the people, systems, and principles that surround them. Open-minded and unconventional, Visionaries want to analyze, understand, and influence other people.
ENTPs enjoy playing with ideas and especially like to banter with others. They use their quick wit and command of language to keep the upper hand with other people, often cheerfully poking fun at their habits and eccentricities. While the ENTP enjoys challenging others, in the end they are usually happy to live and let live. They are rarely judgmental, but they may have little patience for people who can’t keep up.
ENTPs are energized by challenge and are often inspired by a problem that others perceive as impossible to solve. They are confident in their ability to think creatively, and may assume that others are too tied to tradition to see a new way. The Visionary relies on their ingenuity to deal with the world around them, and rarely finds preparation necessary. They will often jump into a new situation and trust themselves to adapt as they go.
ENTPs are masters of re-inventing the wheel and often refuse to do a task the same way twice. They question norms and often ignore them altogether. Established procedures are uninspiring to the Visionary, who would much rather try a new method (or two) than go along with the standard.
ENTPs are typically friendly and often charming. They usually want to be seen as clever and may try to impress others with their quick wit and incisive humor. They are curious about the world around them, and want to know how things work. However, for the ENTP, the rules of the universe are made to be broken. They like to find the loopholes and figure out how they can work the system to their advantage. This is not to say the Visionary is malicious: they simply find rules limiting, and believe there is probably a better, faster, or more interesting way to do things that hasn’t been thought of before.
The ENTP is characteristically entrepreneurial and may be quick to share a new business idea or invention. They are creative, and typically excited to discuss their many ingenious ideas. The ENTP’s enthusiasm for innovation is infectious, and they are often good at getting other people on board with their schemes. However, they are fundamentally “big-picture” people, and may be at a loss when it comes to recalling or describing details. They are typically more excited about exploring a concept than they are about making it reality, and can seem unreliable if they don’t follow through with their many ideas.
“ENTPs tend to be independent, analytical, and impersonal in their relations with people, and they are more apt to consider how others may affect their projects than how their projects may affect others.” – Isabel Briggs Meyers
- https://www.truity.com/personality-type/entp
And for Izaya to say, “I honestly can’t even read my next move. In the end, what I want to see is humans other than myself. How they react in the situation that cannot be expected, to observe that is the biggest motive of my life. In order to achieve that, I will both cause trouble and help as much as I can.” That sounds like what an Extravert would say and do. If an INTJ didn’t know what they were going to do in a situation, they would most likely take a step back and self reflect on the numerous things they could do, and pull back to themselves for a while, instead of letting things escalate. A lot of Izaya’s schemes are extremely spontaneous and all over the place, and there’s always certain level of uncertainty and spontaneity in them in my opinion. I think personally that the INTJ thinks far more ahead for their own plans than the ENTP who considers other people’s possible positions, but they tend to ignore their own physical needs sometimes and get themselves into reckless situations for whatever reasons.
Perhaps… a way to look at it. (not that I like the stigma attached to these types, but) if we’re talking about ‘bad’ INTJs and ‘bad’ ENTPs, bad INTJs are the Machiavellian genius types that come up with intricate plans to take over the world, whereas bad ENTPs often just like messing with people’s heads for shits and giggles. A bad ENTP is less dangerous in the fact that he's very unlikely to pull off enslaving all of humanity, or even be inclined that way. We lack the discretion and self-control to do so. The Joker (bar Heath Ledger’s Joker – that one was ENTJ) is a perfect example of ENTP gone horribly, horribly wrong, while Batman would be a good INTJ).
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davidastbury · 4 years
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There is only one age - and that is young. Somehow we have a concept of ‘growing up’ but it is a delusion, as fragile as burnt sheets of paper lifted from the ashes, as hard to sustain as sweeping fallen leaves on a windy day, as unsatisfactory as the hard stare in the bathroom mirror.
Eventually it falls apart - the struggle begins to ease and your own youth greets you like a loved friend; the person you rejected; the one who embarrassed you; the one you thought you didn’t need.
And from now onwards you will never be anything other than your authentic personality, and along with all the other miracles you may even look kindly at the years of separation.
The Healing Words ... 1965
Lorna once told me that Ian had saved her life. It was difficult imagining Ian as a hero in any shape or form, and she must have seen how puzzled I looked. We were alone, sitting in the back-room of the bookshop, where we took our coffee breaks, and for some reason or other she wanted me to share her thoughts.
Nearly all the staff were young, most still living at home, and naturally talk during the breaks touched on family chat. Frank’s dad was an MP and he had stories of trips abroad - others had memories to share; memories of holidays, cars, pets, hilarious mistakes and so on. There was a lot of laughter and any stranger looking in on this, would have concluded that we were a nice bunch of young people.
But Lorna did not join in; she sat silent and sometimes looked up at the clock and walked out. I could only guess that the family chat gnawed at a private pain - that she couldn’t bear hearing it.
Ian must have picked up on this too, because on that one occasion when alone with Lorna - when for no reason she told me that he had saved her life - when she told me, with her eyes as wide as a child’s, that things at home were bad and that Ian had saved her with a few astonishing, healing words ...
‘Lorna, please believe me - believe this if you never again believe anything I say - there is no such thing as a happy family.’
Why struggle with the heavy dough of Dickens - or the worthy seeded bread of George Elliot? Why munch through the bland oven-bottoms of Trollope - when you can have MY offerings?
I am the Ryvita of modern literature. Crunch my croutons and snap my crackers. Enjoy my oaties and crispbreads - my delicious shortcakes and scones, my hobnobs and ends, my pink wafers!
Ever ready and smiling; my only pleasure is in luring you away from stodge into the pure air of cadence and ambiguity - longings, broken gates, broken hearts - Madeleines and memory.
The Train
This is where he used to stand everyday waiting for the train. The spot was carefully chosen; he had taken note of how the drivers slowed down and pulled up; he would be nearest to the doors - the first one aboard.
Young people wait for their trains - they are impatient for its arrival - they are eager to get away - to be carried into their futures,
He liked the window seats facing the engine. He liked the sensation of going forward into the future - dictating his demands - not being pulled backwards, as if a helpless passenger.
Roughly halfway on the journey the train would go through a long tunnel. The windows turned black and the everyone looked shabby and haggard in the weak lighting. They stared at each other, wishing for the sunlight to return - as if waiting for depression to end.
For him, blinking in the new brightness, there was something to anticipate - the next stop - ‘she’ would appear! Sometimes she got into his compartment and sometimes she didn’t. They never spoke; she hardly looked at him, but he could still see her even when he looked away.
And after that the train doesn’t stop again ... just the relentless rushing uncertainty ... taking him towards his future.
The designer Judith Leiber died recently at the age of 97. She was a Holocaust survivor who somehow got through the horror and, starting a new life in the U.S. became famous as a handbag manufacturer - her designs were unique, every First Lady from Mamie Eisenhower to Laura Bush carried a Leiber bag at the inauguration ceremonies.
She married Gerson Leiber, the artist, in 1946. They did not have children.
They died hours apart. The day before she passed away he whispered to her - ‘Sweetheart, it’s time to leave.’
A Photograph
A friend had once taken several photographs of her in the local park. They were both nineteen. She doesn’t remember much about that day, except that it was very cold and the light was fading. It was a long time ago.
Only one picture has survived the upheavals of house-clearances, flat moves etc, and to her, it wasn’t one of the best. But looking at the photograph now, from such a distance in time, it all feels different and she experiences a rush of tenderness for the girl - the girl she once was. She stares at the picture and feels an ache flood through her. How could she have failed to see this before - not been affected by the luminous whiteness of the winter-pale skin, the trusting eyes, the expression of curiosity and kindness.
It breaks her heart to see this innocent girl, standing on the grass, surrounded by sharp, leafless branches, and dark opaque bushes.
At Such A Distance
Two metres - is that okay? A hundred metres - two hundred metres - still see me? How about fifty years - still see me?
And keep in mind, when you are close to someone, really close, you cannot see them clearly, but when apart you cannot see anything else.
Gus Barker was a relative of Henry James - part of a group of talented young people, cousins and friends - who had grown up together and as young adults, spent their summers as guests at the Temple’s house in New Hampshire. Among them was Henry’s brother William, Oliver Wendell Holmes, John Gray, the three Temple sisters and others. They all had the glow and sweetness that great wealth and privilege bestows, and the self- confidence that they would cut deep and satisfying grooves for themselves through life.
Like the others, Gus Barker would have achieved distinction - he would have equalled the others - novelists, judges, psychologists - but he rushed to take part in the American Civil War. He was wounded and discharged; healed quickly and, against advice, insisted on returning to his regiment. Very soon afterwards the news reached Albany that Gus had been killed by a sniper at the Rappahannock River in Virginia; he had just turned twenty.
One Of Those Stories
We all carry so many improbable stories in our minds! The ones that are so deeply improbable that you eventually begin to doubt ever happened. They aren’t polished by retelling and sharing - they are kept shut away - untold, unmentioned, even embarrassing. They may be trivial but their oddity gives them an aura of importance - an unmerited depth and significance.
This little anecdote fits the bill.
Department store - he’s complaining about the long delay in delivering furniture he has ordered. Only one item has arrived - and it wasn’t what he’d ordered - it had to be collected. So he was complaining.
Complaining wasn’t easy for him; he actually felt sorry for the young man having to listen - how he tilted his head in sympathy; widened his eyes at the right moments and so on. He produced receipts and delivery notes - and the collection note for the unwanted item - and explained about the colour change that had been offered and agreed upon. It was a long story and the very telling began to affect him - it was as if he was lapsing into a childhood mode; he started to speak too quickly, stumbling over his words, becoming breathless. Like a child, he felt that the story needed emphasis, as it would crumble and become hopelessly undermined if he slowed down, as if the facts would melt away and he wouldn’t be believed.
The sales assistant interrupted him and politely asked him to wait a moment - he would get the manager. A few minutes later she appeared - just as he was arranging the documents in the correct sequence. They were introduced and he started again to explain the situation. Then - there was a sharp movement - as if his vision had changed without moving his head; as if about to faint - and then the soft blur of her grey eyes as she leaned forward and kissed him.
Kaş
Kaş is a little town on Turkey’s Mediterranean coast - the beautiful ‘Turquoise Coast’. The Romans loitered there for a while and then left leaving an assortment of tombs, fallen arches, sturdy roads and the like. Being an archeological philistine - ‘one pile of rocks is much the same as any other’ - I gave my attention to other attractions.
I used to visit a seafront cafe nearly every day. Looked at from the outside it would remind you of France; a sprawl of chairs and small iron tables spilling over the pavement; a frayed awning flapping; free standing tin frames advertising ices; a menu board with illegible chalked scrawl; a festoon of light bulbs on a sagging wire. The waiters wore black waistcoats and white aprons, completing the illusion of - ‘la belle France’.
The proprietor was a tiny, bird-like old man. He wore a loose fitting suit and tie - I have a picture of him somewhere - very neat and well groomed, with the grandeur and dignity you often find in the truly ancient. But he wasn’t the boss any more - that was in the hands of his two sons (or sons-in-law, or whatever). These were bulky, badly shaved men, scowling through their jowly middle age. The old man wasn’t giving up easily, he continued to behave as if he was still in charge. It was amusing to watch the two sons go along with this - kidding the old man and pretending to hear his occasional rants. It was easy to see that they were related by the insults they fired at each other. I tried to understand if the old man knew that they found him a bit of a joke - and if he actually knew, wouldn’t playing along to their deception be the finest satisfaction?
And then, early afternoon, a group of boys arrived - one of them was clearly family - he had the same wiry shape as his grandfather - I remember how his school blazer was too long in the sleeves and how he and his gang of pals took over a corner of the terrace and a waiter brought them tray-loads of ice creams.
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maral12944-blog · 4 years
Text
How Authentic Content Builds Brand Trust in Uncertain Times
New Post has been published on https://gohomeworkers.com/how-authentic-content-builds-brand-trust-in-uncertain-times/
How Authentic Content Builds Brand Trust in Uncertain Times
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These are unusual instances certainly.
As I write this, I’m sitting in my dwelling workplace, as a result of my employer – like so many others throughout the nation and world – is doing what it might to assist cease the unfold of COVID-19. This is the kind of occasion that casts new mild on nearly every thing, together with the subject I’d deliberate to deal with right this moment.
No enterprise desires to behave or seem opportunistic proper now. That goes with out saying. But the reality is that entrepreneurs, manufacturers, and creators of every kind could make a constructive distinction. Being legitimately and authentically useful in a second like this will have a long-lasting influence.
With private interactions and bodily proximity being minimized, folks will flip to the net greater than ever for trusted sources of data and significant content material experiences. It’s value fascinated about what position you and your model can play.
The Show Must Go On
As I discussed in certainly one of my earliest weblog contributions after becoming a member of TopRank Marketing, I’ve a aspect interest outdoors of my profession in advertising and marketing: working a Minnesota Twins baseball neighborhood website. With this ardour taking part in such a giant position in my life, it goes with out saying that I’m feeling affected by the sudden and indefinite absence of baseball, at a time the place the game’s prolonged season is often simply getting underway.
(Image Source: Peter Feghali, Unsplash)
I acknowledge, in fact, that in the grand scheme of all that’s occurring, that is small potatoes. It’s a recreation. But it’s additionally a supply of consolation and routine for me and so many others. And the underside line is that whereas Major League Baseball’s schedule is not going to proceed, life will. And this is applicable extra broadly to companies and content material creators throughout the spectrum.
As our CEO Lee Odden wrote just lately close to advertising and marketing throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, “the need for information and solutions might slow or change but not stop.”
Let’s discover how manufacturers can go all-in on authenticity to strengthen bonds throughout a time of common uncertainty and nervousness.
“Marketers, brands, and creators of all kinds can make a positive difference. Being legitimately and authentically helpful in a moment like this can have a lasting impact.” @NickNelsonMN Click To Tweet
Building Trust by way of Authentic and Altruistic Content
Content advertising and marketing is inherently an extended recreation, centered on constructing relationships at the start. Right now, the easiest way to pursue this aim is thru authenticity and altruism, in the context of your enterprise and its viewers.
Keep Your Audience Informed
The ongoing pandemic impacts completely different industries and verticals in other ways. If there’s a white area for offering information and updates in the area of interest you serve particularly, you would possibly take into account filling it. Curate information from authoritative sources (just like the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) and make it accessible in an simply accessible place.
This can also be a good time to supply useful steering round changes and variations being made in response to this example. For instance, our shoppers at Antea Group leveraged their experience as regards to worker well being and security to supply ergonomic ideas for a house workplace. Another consumer, LinkedIn Sales Solutions, served up recommendation on staying related digitally when “in-person” will not be an possibility.
Be Open and Human
We discuss authenticity in B2B advertising and marketing incessantly as a result of it’s so important for practitioners to continuously remind themselves that we’re not interacting with companies, we’re interacting with human beings. COVID-19 presents a universally shared human expertise on a scale that’s unmatched in lots of our lifetimes.
There’s by no means been a greater time to open up and share actual, relatable tales. Everyone goes by way of one thing, and it may be comforting to learn the way others are coping with the distinctive circumstances introduced on by this state of affairs.
Focus on Connection
Thanks to expertise, distancing doesn’t have to equate to isolation. People are prone to be craving for social connection in a significant method. The easiest factor an organization can do is place an emphasis on being accessible and responsive through social media, e mail, and different channels. But you additionally would possibly take into account discovering methods to copy the dynamic of private interactions. For instance:
Webinars & Live-Streaming: It can generally be tough to attract huge crowds of busy professionals for a reside broadcast, however at a time the place touring and in-person conferences are decreased, there are extra openings on calendars. Running a webcast with a theme that’s related to the present instances would possibly hit a candy spot.
Virtual Networking Events: With so many main conferences and summits being canceled, there’s nonetheless a necessity for folks to community and develop. This could current a chance to host or take part in on-line gatherings and meet-ups. One factor value contemplating is a digital joyful hour, the place folks flip on their laptop computer digital camera, crack open a beverage, and luxuriate in a real chat from their very own respective areas.
“At a time where traveling and in-person meetings are reduced, there are more openings on calendars. Running a webcast with a theme that’s relevant to the current times might hit a sweet spot.” @NickNelsonMN Click To Tweet
Stick to Your Strategy
Understandably, it may be bizarre to consider promoting at this second. Pushing services – particularly those who could be deemed “non-essential” in the face of a worldwide well being disaster – feels tone-deaf at a time the place everybody’s consideration is pulled towards the headlines. I get it.
But right here’s the unavoidable fact: This ordeal isn’t going away anytime quickly. Life will probably be completely different for some time, and as we acclimate to a brand new norm, the drumbeat of enterprise will regain its regular rhythm in most areas. So it’s essential to maintain a holistic, built-in, full-funnel technique in place, even when you’re lessening the conversion emphasis briefly.
One factor many firms will need to ponder is how they will make it simpler to digitally buy and transact.
Into Unknown Territory
There is not any playbook for this. Every individual, household, and enterprise is treading new floor. But we’re all going by way of it collectively and that’s why it’s extra precious than ever to let our authenticity shine by way of.
“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of prosperity.” – Ulysses S. Grant
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prideguynews · 5 years
Link
Just lately my middle daughter and I have been reminiscing about the first time we at any time fulfilled a transgender man or woman. She was fourteen years old, and we will not talk about how old I was, but this was a man or woman she experienced fulfilled in faculty. My girls have been often bringing dwelling any person who appeared to be receiving bullied or picked on, and this man or woman was remaining persecuted. Not only have been they owning a really hard time at faculty, but also no a single at dwelling appeared to realize what they have been striving to say. There have been no phrases for what this man or woman was experiencing, but they just understood that they have been male. My girls understood that I was an accepting open-minded man or woman and that I would welcome any of their pals into my dwelling.
“This good friend was assigned feminine at start but often understood that he was not a woman.”
So she sat me down and explained to me about her new good friend. He was remaining viciously bullied at faculty, and he was the a single who kept receiving in difficulty for standing up for himself. My daughter experienced no regard for what many others imagined of him. He was a sweet, and loving child and she was heading to be his good friend no matter what her friends experienced to say about it. This good friend was assigned feminine at start but often understood that he was not a woman. My daughter did not give me with any sort of definitions or scientific specifics she certainly didn’t have the verbiage again then. The phrase transgender was in no way even outlined. Just that he named himself J and that she imagined he was fantastic. Seeking again at that dialogue I assume that my daughter was striving to teach me to the very best of her capacity, so that I wouldn’t misgender her good friend when he came around.
So we welcomed J into our dwelling with open arms and gave him a harmless location to be himself. As much as he understood his personal real truth, you could see the turmoil that churned inside of of him. Just navigating your teenage years is a hard more than enough endeavor, and J experienced all this other baggage to deal with. I could see from the commencing that he was longing for appreciate and acceptance and my daughter gave him a good deal of that. He needed to know that he was ok and that daily life would a single working day be far better. With all the drama that he was dealing with, his spirit was bright and his resolve was sturdy. He experienced a huge loving persona wrapped up in a cute small bundle, and he appreciated producing all people smile. My daughter and J turned speedy pals, and he turned element of our wacky household. That was practically 9 years in the past.
“Why is it that intolerance and ignorance wins around appreciate and acceptance?”
We reside in these kinds of a self-centered culture where everyone’s major worry goes no even more than by themselves. How quite sad for people rotten young ones who gave J these kinds of a really hard time. They missed out on owning a accurate, loving, and faithful good friend. All for the reason that J did not in shape into the mildew that their modest minds created for their friends. Children understand what they reside, and at times steps talk louder than phrases. They are not born with prejudice, they uncovered it from the way the older people in their lives behaved. Why is it that intolerance and ignorance wins around appreciate and acceptance? It infuriates me to see “grown ups” switch a loving baby into a hateful young grownup, merely by spewing homophobic, transphobic, bigoted bullshit. It doesn’t price a cent to be awesome to a person else, and it’s really not a hard endeavor.
We moved away from the city where my daughter fulfilled J practically five years in the past. The distance has not affected the relationship at all. He is however quite much a element of our household, and I stress about him as if he was a single of my personal. With no any authentic understanding of what it intended to be transgender, my household and I welcomed J into our dwelling and then into our hearts. He has taught us all that no matter what daily life throws at you, tomorrow is a new working day, and with just about every new working day will come a new commencing. Yesterday J and his larger sized than daily life persona came around for a visit. We experienced dinner, looked at old shots, reminisced about their teenage escapades, and laughed a ton. As I create this, J, my daughter, and the weenie puppies are all sleeping on the sofa in the living space. If only we could teach the environment to open their hearts and their minds, they could possibly find a good friend like J.
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graciedroweuk · 6 years
Text
‘Radio Excursion is not for the Feeble’: Inside the first step to country music stardom
ATLANTA — The moments tick by in a chilly conference room to a sunny afternoon earlier in the year since country singer Carly Pearce stands for a small point. Her fingers brush over her white and blue beaded bracelets, wrapped around a tattoo on the inside of her left wrist that reads, “She believed she might so she did so.” She got the years ago, after she lost her record deal, so after she played guitar, so she’d look down and watch the words and believe her career was not over before it really began.
Currently, Pearce, 27, has another record deal. The afternoon she signed with Big Machine Tag Group in January, a bottle of champagne popped out of the entire year Taylor Swift combined the label. Pearce, he stated, might be “the most important female artist we’ve signed since Taylor.”
Because a record price is simply the beginning therefore the pressure is really on. Currently, Pearce must impress three individuals in this conference room in the Bull (94.9 FM), among Atlanta’s country stations.
The program director arrives. Does the music director. They sit and wait for the program director. Except he never shows up. He is pulled into another assembly.
They can add their own stations and your music if you are liked by program directors. It could move from mild to moderate. If enough stations follow suit, your song will climb to No. 1 on the charts, which means that your label could eventually release your debut record. Then, you can move to opener on the stage. You might get nominated for awards and earn records. You grow to be a country star, and finally can launch your club tour an arena tour.
It is a long road for the individuals who make it, one that is deeply ingrained in the very traditional Nashville system. With the exception of a couple artists, radio airplay is critical to mainstream country success. Even an era of Spotify YouTube and curated playlists — radio would be the gatekeeper. And it all starts with a radio tour.
For weeks, singers such as Pearce travel thousands of miles around America to present themselves and play with audio for radio programmers. They focus on the approximately 172 country stations whose evaluations constitute the Billboard and Mediabase charts (out of approximately 1,850 total from the nation).
This Nashville rite of passage is the modern day version of door-to-door sales. Each one may cost a label hundreds of thousands of dollars. And there is simply no guarantee that it will get the job done.
Country music is your radio format behind Top 40 and adult contemporary, in the nation, reaching 68 million listeners a week, according to Nielsen. The singers of the genre and the association between nation radio has always been uniquely close although pop stars tend to go to hip hop artists and the big markets also channels that are regular.
In a structure that puts a premium on credibility and connecting with listeners, access is not only valued, but it is also anticipated. A solid bond with radio may go quite a distance for career durability. At this year’s Country Radio Seminar seminar in Nashville, Vince Gill called a group of programmers “a room filled with individuals who are accountable to all of our fantasies, in a way. … We are beholden for you.”
Those relationships begin with radio tours, which is traced back into the 1960s, when Loretta Lynn drove about to ask stations to perform “I am a Honky Tonk Girl.” The tours are an advantage to programmers, who have limited space to perform songs on their own stations. They state the chance to satisfy new functions early on (Could they actually sing? Are they personable? Can they go the distance?) Is invaluable. Radio is in the advertising business — it must pay off if stations make an investment in a single artist.
Singers describe radio tour as an exciting means to travel the nation while meeting with new folks, but it grueling. You’re basically on multiple job interviews daily and under stress who you are repeatedly advised hold the keys. As newcomer and Kernersville (N.C.) native Chris Lane, 32, set it, “Radio tour is not for the weak.”
It entails hours in a car or bus or a plane, traveling with a regional radio agent. You may begin at the crack of dawn using before a visit to one channel in the morning, another meeting or 2 with a channel that runs late at night in the afternoon, and possibly dinner. Then you need to be up in a couple of hours to journey.
Performances change. Some stations encourage listeners and have phases, or your operation is streamed by them . If they have partnerships with businesses — such as a shop, a home goods expo or a restaurant — they will ask you to perform there, too.
“The thing that you can not truly be ready for is the absence of sleep,” said Brett Young, 36, a breakout superstar whose rapid success meant a tour beyond a more typical 12-week period. “I’ve got some fantastic friendships with program directors and music directors. However, you do reach the end of a nine-month elongate like this, and the body starts falling apart.”
Another artist talked to the doctor in a strange town, where he discovered that his pain was a symptom of fatigue.
They don’t receive a daily pace during radio tour although singers receive an improvement when they sign up a deal. Even though the label initially foots the bill for the costs (it changes, but they can run $7,000 to $10,000 per week) for things including traveling and carrying channel staffers outside for foods or drinks, the label can usually recoup that money out of the artist’s future earnings.
“Radio tour has been the hardest time in my entire life,” Kelsea Ballerini, 23, recently told radio host Bobby Bones on his podcast. “I was tired. You don’t get paid, and everybody around that you do. … I recall there was one stage where I could not pay my rent once I got home. Plus it was actually through my (Grand Ole) Opry debut, and all of my loved ones members and friends were all there, and that I was just like: ‘Can I ask my parents to pay my rent? What can I do? ”’
Ballerini’s 22-week radio trip has been worth it. Last year, she became the very first woman in country music history to have her first three singles move to No. 1, which fueled her debut record, “The First Time,” into gold-certified status. Back in February, she had been nominated for best new artist in the Grammy Awards.
That is the light in the end of the tunnel that artists expect for — in your home, the alternate is sitting as emphasize, not playing with your own music.
“Everyone warned us, ‘This is among the most strenuous things you have ever achieved,”’ stated Johnny McGuire. He is a member of the duo Walker McGuire with Jordan Walker; they stumbled on a radio tour to promote their very first single, “Til Tomorrow. ”“But in the end of the afternoon, Jordan and I … we are doing what we’ve always wanted to perform. I believe it. For us, it is not bad. We adore it.”
Walker agreed. “That seems so far-fetched five decades ago when I moved into city,” he said. “Thinking to myself, ‘My song will be on country radio.’ That would’ve been mad to consider. I am getting choked up thinking about it.”
When Brian Michel, the Atlanta program director, dominates her operation Pearce takes it in stride. (Later, Michel says that he wishes he could have already been there, but he trusts his coworkers to report back to him.) Still, even after she sings to the other radio employees — who burst into enthusiastic applause — also sits for a channel interview in which the assistant program director, Angie Ward, dubs her a singer who has “a beautiful smile and a beautiful voice,” an uneasy silence falls over Pearce’s staff as they walk out of the building. This wasn’t how the visit, scheduled long ago, was likely to perform.
However they shake it off. Since they need to head into the Atlanta channel that is next.
Pearce gives the narrative of a singer on radio tour who conducted a trackto get the center is left from by the program director. When it comes to radio tours, Pearce has now learned to “expect the unexpected.”
It is the way the Kentucky native has approached her whole career. After she moved to Nashville at age 19 she landed a publishing deal, and then a record deal that fell through. The buzz around her vanished, while she figured out her next move, and that she babysat and cleaned Airbnb leasing components.
A hit pop producer looking to work with country singers, with Busbee, her publisher place her in 2015. They clicked promptly and, with Emily Shackelton, composed “Every Little Thing,” a haunting ballad about an unsuccessful connection. The song started selling 6,000 copies a week last year, when the subway, SiriusXM’s nation channel, place it. Borchetta had been in contact, also Pearce’s career has been. She is an actress on the tour, that will halt in early March in Greensboro of Blake Shelton.
A song in the singer is risky from country radio’s world — and girls already have a difficult time getting airplay. But in the middle of the radio tour, “Every Little Thing” landed the coveted “On the Verge” differentiation from iHeartMedia radio group, so all of the company’s country stations are expected to play with it a definite number of times.
“I was just eight years in to city, occasionally laying down in night going, ‘Is it going to happen? ”’ Pearce stated. “I believe I had to be reminded to just stay authentic and never pursue acceptance out of Music Row. Because in the end of the evening, they could see through it, and thus can the listener.”
Software managers reiterate that it all comes down to the quality of the audio; although should they meet with an artist who shines in individual, it could give that behave an edge.
“If you are respectful and treat individuals with kindness no matter what, you are always seen in a positive light,” said MoJoe Roberts, program director for the Bull (98.7 FM) in Portland, Oregon. “(That is) almost any artist, or some other individual in any type of work.”
However, stated Kris Daniels, program director for the Coyote (102.7 FM) in Las Vegas, “When the song … doesn’t test well, it doesn’t matter how good their character is.”
Although singers hesitate to openly say anything adverse about radio for fear of the effects, behind closed doors there’s discussion of radio tour “horror stories”– including dismissive radio staffers and offensive remarks, particularly toward young female singers.
Programmers have anecdotes of individuals who come through the channel who act inappropriately, or who aren’t ready for prime time.
Many artists are scared of doing anything — even unintentionally — radio may offend. Ryan Hurd, a brand new artist whose debut single is “Love in a Bar,” remembers when he had to cancel a visit because he had to come home to Nashville for private reasons. He and his supervisor were really worried to inform the channel about it.
“We were really nervous since the perception is that in the event you scorn radio — ever — that is the shot, you got it,” Hurd said.
But the staffers agreed to reschedule and knew the situation when the channel was called by his supervisor. It was a lesson.
Radio tour “has turned into such a reputation for being hard and for being so much harsher than it actually is, that you forget these are real men and women who still love music,” Hurd said. “There is a human element to the that we often overlook.”
For Pearce, the afternoon stop in Atlanta is in the Cumulus Media headquarters, which brings her. About a dozen folks sit in chairs, listening expectantly.
Following the radio agent of her label presents her — it is a fast visit, she has only a couple of seconds.
“If you have known me for five minutes, that y’all have, it is time I want to inform you I have a true obsession with red wine,” she said, introducing “Hide the Wine.” The men and women in the room murmur. “And occasionally you make decisions that are questionable while under the influence of red wine.”
To shut the performance, ” she tells the backstory of ���Every Little Thing”: “I wrote this song about a guy who broke his heart a couple of decades ago, and wanted to carry you on a trip of my personal story.” She belts from the ballad, followed by her backup musicians:
“Guess you forgot what you told mepersonally, because you left my heart onto the floor
“Baby, your ghost still bothers me, however I don’t need to sleep with him no longer”
The small audience claps loudly. Some depart the space quickly to return to their workplaces, while some disagree, making small talk and asking Pearce if she will take a photo.
She can not stay since she must fly into Florida. South Carolina, subsequently Colorado, then back to Florida Nevada, and then on and off, whereas her staff operates the phones back into Nashville, calling stations and urging them to perform Carly Pearce. And therefore it is going to last because finally it is going to result in her fantasy.
“Radio tour has become the most exciting, exhausting, special, hilarious thing I’ve ever done,” she said. “That is all I’ve ever wanted.”
from network 4 http://www.brownandbrownrecording.com/radio-excursion-is-not-for-the-feeble-inside-the-first-step-to-country-music-stardom/
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Text
‘Radio Excursion is not for the Feeble’: Inside the first step to country music stardom
ATLANTA — The moments tick by in a chilly conference room to a sunny afternoon earlier in the year since country singer Carly Pearce stands for a small point. Her fingers brush over her white and blue beaded bracelets, wrapped around a tattoo on the inside of her left wrist that reads, “She believed she might so she did so.” She got the years ago, after she lost her record deal, so after she played guitar, so she’d look down and watch the words and believe her career was not over before it really began.
Currently, Pearce, 27, has another record deal. The afternoon she signed with Big Machine Tag Group in January, a bottle of champagne popped out of the entire year Taylor Swift combined the label. Pearce, he stated, might be “the most important female artist we’ve signed since Taylor.”
Because a record price is simply the beginning therefore the pressure is really on. Currently, Pearce must impress three individuals in this conference room in the Bull (94.9 FM), among Atlanta’s country stations.
The program director arrives. Does the music director. They sit and wait for the program director. Except he never shows up. He is pulled into another assembly.
They can add their own stations and your music if you are liked by program directors. It could move from mild to moderate. If enough stations follow suit, your song will climb to No. 1 on the charts, which means that your label could eventually release your debut record. Then, you can move to opener on the stage. You might get nominated for awards and earn records. You grow to be a country star, and finally can launch your club tour an arena tour.
It is a long road for the individuals who make it, one that is deeply ingrained in the very traditional Nashville system. With the exception of a couple artists, radio airplay is critical to mainstream country success. Even an era of Spotify YouTube and curated playlists — radio would be the gatekeeper. And it all starts with a radio tour.
For weeks, singers such as Pearce travel thousands of miles around America to present themselves and play with audio for radio programmers. They focus on the approximately 172 country stations whose evaluations constitute the Billboard and Mediabase charts (out of approximately 1,850 total from the nation).
This Nashville rite of passage is the modern day version of door-to-door sales. Each one may cost a label hundreds of thousands of dollars. And there is simply no guarantee that it will get the job done.
Country music is your radio format behind Top 40 and adult contemporary, in the nation, reaching 68 million listeners a week, according to Nielsen. The singers of the genre and the association between nation radio has always been uniquely close although pop stars tend to go to hip hop artists and the big markets also channels that are regular.
In a structure that puts a premium on credibility and connecting with listeners, access is not only valued, but it is also anticipated. A solid bond with radio may go quite a distance for career durability. At this year’s Country Radio Seminar seminar in Nashville, Vince Gill called a group of programmers “a room filled with individuals who are accountable to all of our fantasies, in a way. … We are beholden for you.”
Those relationships begin with radio tours, which is traced back into the 1960s, when Loretta Lynn drove about to ask stations to perform “I am a Honky Tonk Girl.” The tours are an advantage to programmers, who have limited space to perform songs on their own stations. They state the chance to satisfy new functions early on (Could they actually sing? Are they personable? Can they go the distance?) Is invaluable. Radio is in the advertising business — it must pay off if stations make an investment in a single artist.
Singers describe radio tour as an exciting means to travel the nation while meeting with new folks, but it grueling. You’re basically on multiple job interviews daily and under stress who you are repeatedly advised hold the keys. As newcomer and Kernersville (N.C.) native Chris Lane, 32, set it, “Radio tour is not for the weak.”
It entails hours in a car or bus or a plane, traveling with a regional radio agent. You may begin at the crack of dawn using before a visit to one channel in the morning, another meeting or 2 with a channel that runs late at night in the afternoon, and possibly dinner. Then you need to be up in a couple of hours to journey.
Performances change. Some stations encourage listeners and have phases, or your operation is streamed by them . If they have partnerships with businesses — such as a shop, a home goods expo or a restaurant — they will ask you to perform there, too.
“The thing that you can not truly be ready for is the absence of sleep,” said Brett Young, 36, a breakout superstar whose rapid success meant a tour beyond a more typical 12-week period. “I’ve got some fantastic friendships with program directors and music directors. However, you do reach the end of a nine-month elongate like this, and the body starts falling apart.”
Another artist talked to the doctor in a strange town, where he discovered that his pain was a symptom of fatigue.
They don’t receive a daily pace during radio tour although singers receive an improvement when they sign up a deal. Even though the label initially foots the bill for the costs (it changes, but they can run $7,000 to $10,000 per week) for things including traveling and carrying channel staffers outside for foods or drinks, the label can usually recoup that money out of the artist’s future earnings.
“Radio tour has been the hardest time in my entire life,” Kelsea Ballerini, 23, recently told radio host Bobby Bones on his podcast. “I was tired. You don’t get paid, and everybody around that you do. … I recall there was one stage where I could not pay my rent once I got home. Plus it was actually through my (Grand Ole) Opry debut, and all of my loved ones members and friends were all there, and that I was just like: ‘Can I ask my parents to pay my rent? What can I do? ”’
Ballerini’s 22-week radio trip has been worth it. Last year, she became the very first woman in country music history to have her first three singles move to No. 1, which fueled her debut record, “The First Time,” into gold-certified status. Back in February, she had been nominated for best new artist in the Grammy Awards.
That is the light in the end of the tunnel that artists expect for — in your home, the alternate is sitting as emphasize, not playing with your own music.
“Everyone warned us, ‘This is among the most strenuous things you have ever achieved,”’ stated Johnny McGuire. He is a member of the duo Walker McGuire with Jordan Walker; they stumbled on a radio tour to promote their very first single, “Til Tomorrow. ”“But in the end of the afternoon, Jordan and I … we are doing what we’ve always wanted to perform. I believe it. For us, it is not bad. We adore it.”
Walker agreed. “That seems so far-fetched five decades ago when I moved into city,” he said. “Thinking to myself, ‘My song will be on country radio.’ That would’ve been mad to consider. I am getting choked up thinking about it.”
When Brian Michel, the Atlanta program director, dominates her operation Pearce takes it in stride. (Later, Michel says that he wishes he could have already been there, but he trusts his coworkers to report back to him.) Still, even after she sings to the other radio employees — who burst into enthusiastic applause — also sits for a channel interview in which the assistant program director, Angie Ward, dubs her a singer who has “a beautiful smile and a beautiful voice,” an uneasy silence falls over Pearce’s staff as they walk out of the building. This wasn’t how the visit, scheduled long ago, was likely to perform.
However they shake it off. Since they need to head into the Atlanta channel that is next.
Pearce gives the narrative of a singer on radio tour who conducted a trackto get the center is left from by the program director. When it comes to radio tours, Pearce has now learned to “expect the unexpected.”
It is the way the Kentucky native has approached her whole career. After she moved to Nashville at age 19 she landed a publishing deal, and then a record deal that fell through. The buzz around her vanished, while she figured out her next move, and that she babysat and cleaned Airbnb leasing components.
A hit pop producer looking to work with country singers, with Busbee, her publisher place her in 2015. They clicked promptly and, with Emily Shackelton, composed “Every Little Thing,” a haunting ballad about an unsuccessful connection. The song started selling 6,000 copies a week last year, when the subway, SiriusXM’s nation channel, place it. Borchetta had been in contact, also Pearce’s career has been. She is an actress on the tour, that will halt in early March in Greensboro of Blake Shelton.
A song in the singer is risky from country radio’s world — and girls already have a difficult time getting airplay. But in the middle of the radio tour, “Every Little Thing” landed the coveted “On the Verge” differentiation from iHeartMedia radio group, so all of the company’s country stations are expected to play with it a definite number of times.
“I was just eight years in to city, occasionally laying down in night going, ‘Is it going to happen? ”’ Pearce stated. “I believe I had to be reminded to just stay authentic and never pursue acceptance out of Music Row. Because in the end of the evening, they could see through it, and thus can the listener.”
Software managers reiterate that it all comes down to the quality of the audio; although should they meet with an artist who shines in individual, it could give that behave an edge.
“If you are respectful and treat individuals with kindness no matter what, you are always seen in a positive light,” said MoJoe Roberts, program director for the Bull (98.7 FM) in Portland, Oregon. “(That is) almost any artist, or some other individual in any type of work.”
However, stated Kris Daniels, program director for the Coyote (102.7 FM) in Las Vegas, “When the song … doesn’t test well, it doesn’t matter how good their character is.”
Although singers hesitate to openly say anything adverse about radio for fear of the effects, behind closed doors there’s discussion of radio tour “horror stories”– including dismissive radio staffers and offensive remarks, particularly toward young female singers.
Programmers have anecdotes of individuals who come through the channel who act inappropriately, or who aren’t ready for prime time.
Many artists are scared of doing anything — even unintentionally — radio may offend. Ryan Hurd, a brand new artist whose debut single is “Love in a Bar,” remembers when he had to cancel a visit because he had to come home to Nashville for private reasons. He and his supervisor were really worried to inform the channel about it.
“We were really nervous since the perception is that in the event you scorn radio — ever — that is the shot, you got it,” Hurd said.
But the staffers agreed to reschedule and knew the situation when the channel was called by his supervisor. It was a lesson.
Radio tour “has turned into such a reputation for being hard and for being so much harsher than it actually is, that you forget these are real men and women who still love music,” Hurd said. “There is a human element to the that we often overlook.”
For Pearce, the afternoon stop in Atlanta is in the Cumulus Media headquarters, which brings her. About a dozen folks sit in chairs, listening expectantly.
Following the radio agent of her label presents her — it is a fast visit, she has only a couple of seconds.
“If you have known me for five minutes, that y’all have, it is time I want to inform you I have a true obsession with red wine,” she said, introducing “Hide the Wine.” The men and women in the room murmur. “And occasionally you make decisions that are questionable while under the influence of red wine.”
To shut the performance, ” she tells the backstory of “Every Little Thing”: “I wrote this song about a guy who broke his heart a couple of decades ago, and wanted to carry you on a trip of my personal story.” She belts from the ballad, followed by her backup musicians:
“Guess you forgot what you told mepersonally, because you left my heart onto the floor
“Baby, your ghost still bothers me, however I don’t need to sleep with him no longer”
The small audience claps loudly. Some depart the space quickly to return to their workplaces, while some disagree, making small talk and asking Pearce if she will take a photo.
She can not stay since she must fly into Florida. South Carolina, subsequently Colorado, then back to Florida Nevada, and then on and off, whereas her staff operates the phones back into Nashville, calling stations and urging them to perform Carly Pearce. And therefore it is going to last because finally it is going to result in her fantasy.
“Radio tour has become the most exciting, exhausting, special, hilarious thing I’ve ever done,” she said. “That is all I’ve ever wanted.”
from brown and brown recording http://www.brownandbrownrecording.com/radio-excursion-is-not-for-the-feeble-inside-the-first-step-to-country-music-stardom/
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