#everyone is making mood boards and I am impressionable
Note
All the numbers again (second tag reblog)
1: When you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More milk than cereal cause I like to drink it!
2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? Yeah, but when I can get into the warmth after that's even better!
3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? I try to remember the page number instead so usually end on a multiple of 10 or 5.
4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Tea: Two sugars, milk, hopefully brewed by the gal. Coffee: I don’t!
5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Kinda!
6: do you keep plants? Nope!
7: do you name your plants? None to name!
8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Oils if I had the money for that so typically watercolours
9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I am right now.
10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Typically side, but back is fine. Not stomach really!
11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? Oh My Gouda.
12: what's your favorite planet? Uranus ;)
13: what's something that made you smile today? My gal surprised me with a beautiful orchid
14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Edgy expose brick aesthetic
15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! Uranus’ blue glow is due to an abundance of methane which filters out red light.
16: what's your favorite pasta dish? Spaghetti carbonara probs! Especially cooked by the best.
17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I don’t! I did want pastel pink in August.
18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. I had a paddy fit in primary school because I used to always sabotage my meals so I didn't eat them but I spilt milk on something I legitimately didn’t mind having... I cried over spilt milk.
19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I do! I write the days events and my feelings, I draw key points or little objects. Not all the time tho.
20: what's your favorite eye color? A nice hazel-y to chocolate amber brown woop
21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. A grey Kanken Fjallraven, if Switzerland counts as hell, there you have it.
22: are you a morning person? Yeah! I’m straight too!
23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Exactly that, nothing. With a side of music.
24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Only the one.
25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? An abandoned slaughterhouse. Soz vegans
26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? Black old skool vans hehe original
27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? Strawberry!
28: sunrise or sunset? Why not both in a day?
29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? I’m not sure!
30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? I’m not sure, close calls/
31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I like socks. Weird socks are fun. So are odd ones. I do not sleep with my socks, nor do I confine myself to white sock hell.
32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. We had deep convos for the time, we probs cried, then probs went to sleep.
33: what's your fave pastry? Uh choux just cause I can remember that is one. Hahahaha.
34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I had one called Baxter Bear which was the best, he was quite obviously a bear with a red scarf and his own passport. I threw up on him in the car and he was never the same again, he disappeared short after. Don’t ask about Scrubs the dog.
35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I do, I just don't use them often.
36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? The xx
37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? A healthy middle.
38: tell us about your pet peeves! Couldn’t possibly. There’s a fair few.
39: what color do you wear the most? Probably black? Emo ik.
40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? I own a necklace I got for my 16th its very cute and only comes out when I have heterosexual days to masquerade it. It’s nice.
41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde, it’s my favourite ever. I don’t read as much as I used to, sigh.
42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! There’s a cute local one. They do unreal Nutella pancakes and its quite central and very aesthetic-y. Yum!
43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My gal, typically on the way to my car where I point out Orion or The Dipper. It’d be nice to do it properly sometime.
44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Two days ago.
45: do you trust your instincts a lot? When I need to.
46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. Someone mentions a dog, then I normally incorporate the word ‘ruff’ as a homophone for ‘rough’ and get death stares. But I like it.
47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Gherkins.
48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Abandonment/loneliness hahahah yes it is.
49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I do like buying records yeah! I can’t say until April the 23rd but I’ll have bought another by then.
50: what's an odd thing you collect? I don’t think I do have anything odd!
51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Uncomfortable by Wallows, as well as Fast Food by D.I.D and many many more.
52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? The new Patrick one is doing pretty good.
53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? Nope, nope, nope and nope!
54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My dog. I didn't walk him.
55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? Hahahah you wouldn’t want to know.
56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Feeling secure with them, if you get me.
57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? CAN YOU DO THE FANDANGO!?!?!
58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? K is probs the wine mom bc I'd say A but she’s not as sensible, thus A gets the Aunt role.
59: what's your favorite myth? Bulls hate red, they’re actually colour blind lmao.
60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I don’t mind a bit of poetry! Marking Time by Owen Sheers is noice.
61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? Me and mum put a fancy brooch in a pack of digestives for someone. I’ve received stupid spellings of my name on the birthday cards.
62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Nope
63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Rainbow order woop.
64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Black.
65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? Yep!
66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Cutesy and white and blue and stuff idk. But I wouldn't wear one haha.
67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Serene! Albeit Silent Hill-esque
68: what's winter like where you live? Fun! Cold! Disruptive!
69: what are your favorite board games? The Game of Life/Monopoly/Articulate!
70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nope!
71: what's your favorite kind of tea? English Breakfast, brewed by the girlfriend.
72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? I've been known to be.
73: what are some of your worst habits? Overthinking. Nail biting.
74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Ginger.
75: tell us about your pets! A doggo! A beagle! and a fish...
76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? Revising!
77: pink or yellow lemonade? Yellow
78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? anyone in the fanclub needs natural selection to do its thing.
79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Surprised me at work with flowers.
80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? White, because I’d like grey but we haven’t got there yet or painted the house since its still pretty new.
81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. I don't have the time for that shit.
82: are/were you good in school? I was! I still think I am! Who knows.
83: what's some of your favorite album art? Smithsmithsmithsmithsmiths
84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Yeah! Quite a few. All tonal, but above all a Venus sign and more importantly the great wave off Kanazawa by Hokusai
85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I don't fun fact I used to read them start to feel sick.
86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I feel stupid for not knowing what they are.
87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Donnie Darko.
88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Not Gothic. Can’t go wrong with a bit of impressionism.
89: are you close to your parents? I think. Depends on the time of day.
90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Starts with E, ends in Dinburgh.
91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Nowhere abroad really, just a couple of good cities.
92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? Barely sprinkles, but I have a drowner with me to compensate.
93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? Down. Full stop.
94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My girlfriend’s. mum!
95: what are your plans for this weekend? Work, a party, a Harry Potter film, a sad Sunday.
96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I leave them for as long as possible
97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ENFJ/Pisces/Ravenclaw
98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Hah idk.
99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Nude - Radiohead is the one I’m thinking at the mo’ and I can’t think past that.
100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Future. Don’t need to lament on the past when I hope I have a good one ahead of me. Then from there I'd click 5 back so I’m right back to where I am, cheers.
1 note
·
View note
Text
crossfire: volume i - chapter 12
a/n this is a really long chapter y’all and clearly i was in an angsty mood when i wrote it, but i think it’s an important one!! enjoy x
& previous chapters can be found here
☆ the next erin lindsay ☆
Erin was sat on her desk, swinging her legs beneath her like a kid. The murder board had been pulled right up next to her desk where she sat now, staring at the faces of the thirteen teenagers who had been killed in the past few weeks. She raked a hand through her hair, and was chewing the inside of her lip quite aggressively as the thoughts raced through her head.
"Erin?"
Jay's voice pierced the ear-splitting silence and drew her back to reality. She jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, but softened when he laid a hand on her back.
"You okay?" he asked.
She nodded. "Thirteen kids…" she didn't need to finish the sentence, and Jay didn't need to respond. These kinds of atrocities didn't have words. Instead, he just rubbed circles on her shoulders in comfort, after checking that Voight had his head buried in his desk and wouldn't be able to see this little PDA in the workplace.
"Thanks," she sighed. "For agreeing to help Avery out. I know it's not ideal. But I really do think we can help her."
"I know you do," Jay said. He still wasn't entirely convinced. It wasn't that he didn't want to help her – he did. It was that he'd seen Erin get too attached before. He'd seen the way that she tended to lose herself in the process of saving others, and how she was left empty when it backfired. He just didn't want to see the woman he loved hurt again. "But Erin, think about this, okay? She's not a kid anymore. She's not impressionable enough that you can just erase her past, but she's too impressionable for you to be sure that she's gonna be able to hold herself up."
Erin looked up at him. A small frown had nestled itself across her forehead. "Jay, I thought you were okay with this," she said. It was more of a question than a statement, and he picked up on her tone almost immediately.
"I –" he sighed in mild frustration. "I am. I'm gonna support you no matter what. But just…be careful. I don't want to see you get hurt again."
"I can handle it," Erin insisted.
"I know. I know." He backtracked. "As long as it's only temporary."
Erin nodded. "Yeah."
Their gazes drifted simultaneously to where Avery was sat in the break room still, slouched against the desk, tracing patterns on the table with her fingertip as she rested her head on her arm.
"I guess I should probably go and break the ice, huh?" he smiled.
Erin laughed softly. "Yeah…she probably needs to know that you're more than just the brooding police officer from the interrogation."
Jay raised an eyebrow. "That's brooding police detective, actually."
Erin snorted. "Yeah, yeah. Noted. Get out of here."
He raised his hands in defeat and backed slowly out of the room. Erin watched her boyfriend as he opened the door of the breakroom and entered.
"Hey, Avery," Jay said when he walked in. He didn't have much experience with teenagers, but he figured that there were two ways to handle them: treating them like children, or treating them like adults. And something told him that if he wanted to get along with this one, he should probably go with the latter. "Guess you might be moving in with us for a while, huh?"
Avery looked up a little too quickly. "I thought Erin gave me the rest of the shift to decide?"
Jay backpedaled. "Yeah, she did! Just wanted to…informally introduce myself. You know."
"Okay," she raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead."
God, this was awkward. "So. I'm Jay. Erin's boyfriend."
A nod. "I know."
"Cool." Nice.
"…Cool?"
"So, um. I just wanted to say that if you need anything then, uh, don't hesitate to ask one of us. Me or Erin."
"Can I ask you something?"
Jay was relieved at the change of subject. "Sure," he said.
"Does Erin really want to help me, or is she just trying to make up for last time?"
He took a deep breath. The truth was – even though he felt awful for it – he wasn't really sure. He knew she cared for the girl. And that she had a heart bigger than anyone he'd ever known. But he wasn't sure that this wasn't driven by guilt. "I think that she genuinely wants to help," he said slowly. "And I think that, despite what the both of you think, she doesn't actually have anything to make up for. She did everything she could last time, you know that. You might not want to admit it, but you know that there was nothing more she could've done."
Avery bit her lip. "Mmm," she mumbled. She did know it – well, at least, she did now. She hadn't for the past five years, and that was the problem, whether that was Erin's fault or her own. "And what about you?" she asked. "You'd be willing to let me come and live with you guys?"
The tiny hesitation that followed was all that Avery needed to let her heart plummet through her feet and shatter into a million tiny shards on the carpeted floor. She dropped her head and looked down at her knees, starting to pick at a ladder in her tights to distract herself from the overwhelming feeling of not being wanted. Who's surprised? She thought bitterly. I should be used to this by now.
"Yes," Jay said abruptly. Avery looked up. She hadn't been expecting that. "I mean. I wasn't sold on the idea at first –" here he was adopting the same tactic Erin had tried earlier. Pure, simple, and brutal honesty. "But I can see how much Erin believes in you. And I believe in her. And I want to help you. It's why I wear this badge every day. And besides," he added, kicking himself internally that he'd never thought of this earlier, "If Voight hadn't done the same thing for Erin when she was your age, I wouldn't have her. Who knows," he joked, "you could be the next Erin Lindsay. Now isn't that a scary thought?"
Avery rolled her eyes, pretending to be put off by the idea. Secretly, though, she was thrilled. "You must really love her, huh?" she smiled.
Jay was slightly taken aback by the sudden change in mood of the conversation, but he grinned nonetheless. "Yeah," he said. "I really do."
Outside, in the bullpen, Erin glanced over at the two, and saw Jay reach across the nudge Avery on the shoulder slightly in a friendly gesture. Her eyes widened and she smiled, her heart warming at the scene in front of her.
☆
"Ollinsky, Ruzek, did you get anything from the girlfriend?" Voight barked as soon as the two detectives entered.
"Uh, yes, actually," Ruzek began. He walked over to the murder board. "Matilda said she saw Jason talking to Luca only a few days before Luca was shot."
"Makes sense – Avery said she'd seen the two together as well," Erin said, and Al nodded, deep in thought.
"She didn't catch what they were saying, but that it had been at some high school party. She said Jason wasn't normally one for parties, with his basketball schedule and the pressure on him to get into Yale, especially from his parents and the coach, but recently he'd been acting strangely, drinking, wanting to go out more, you know."
"So he wants to regain some control in his life," Jay offered. "I mean, it makes perfect sense. Kid felt like everyone in his life except for him had some degree of control over his future. What better way to feel like you're free than experimenting with drugs?"
"Except the drugs weren't the problem," explained Al. "When we asked Matilda, she said that he's only ever taken drugs once, and I rang Choi on the way over here and he just got back to me. There were no traces of any drugs in the kid's system. Not even steroids."
"Then how did he get in so deep with this operation?" asked Voight.
"Well, Matilda said that they were persistent. A kid like Jason, he had a lot to lose if something as bad as taking drugs were to come out. He'd forfeit any chance of a basketball scholarship, as well as his entire academic reputation and his parents' name. She said that he'd been getting phone calls and kept being asked to sell drugs to other kids. They wouldn't let him go."
"And then he tried to get out?" added Atwater, who had returned with Burgess sometime in the conversation and had managed to piece together what they missed by the writing on the murderboard and the looks on their colleagues faces.
"It's looking like that," Al murmured. "It's probably why he was talking to Luca."
"Well, we don't know anything for sure yet," Voight reminded them. "Did you guys get anything?"
"Yes, actually," Burgess said eagerly. "Jason went to see the coach yesterday."
"Why?" asked Jay.
"To tell him that he was quitting the team."
"What?" Erin, Al, and Ruzek all exclaimed.
"This kid was the star player. Why on earth would he give that up?" asked Voight. "He had his whole future riding on his basketball career."
"Because he didn't want to go to Yale," Burgess said.
"Coach said Jason had just lost the spark in the past few months. He'd been playing sloppily. And when he went to see him to tell him that he didn't want to play in the playoffs this season, Coach said he nearly broke down. The kid just couldn't handle it anymore."
"Because of the drugs? He was selling, right? I mean, that's why he was shot."
Burgess shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, he wanted out. Of everything. The drug operation, basketball… My guess is he just got scared, and figured that the only way to protect his game and his team was to end it on his own terms."
"You're probably right," Voight agreed. "But even so, we definitely need Jason's side of the story. This is all speculation."
The unit nodded in agreement.
"Okay. Good work, everyone. I'll see you tomorrow. You can all go home, or…" he glanced at Al. "Wherever it is that you go in your spare time."
A collective chuckle rippled around the office, and Al grumbled something about a garage being a perfectly acceptable home.
They all slowly dissipated from the room, following one another into the locker room to collect their things and head home for the night – or to Molly's in the case of Ruzek, Atwater and Burgess.
"You ready?" Jay came up behind Erin as she was removing her gun and gathering the contents of her bag.
She took a deep breath. "No. Not really."
"Erin," Jay warned. "It has to be her decision."
"You're right. I know that better than anyone. I just hope that she makes the right decision."
They walked to the break room together, but the second they were close enough to see in through the window, they noticed that Avery had completely vanished. The only tell that she had been there was the several empty coffee mugs that had piled up on the table and the side of the sink.
"What the….?" Erin exclaimed.
"She was literally here, the last time I looked over!" Jay began to panic. Had he said something to put her off?
Voight came running out of his office, where he had retreated to earlier, at the commotion. "What is it?" he asked in his familiar growl.
"Avery's gone!"
At the sound of the panic in her voice, Voight's expression fell. "Oh, Erin. Avery decided to pass on your offer. Sergeant Platt just came to fetch her while you were gone. I thought you knew."
Erin's eyes filled with tears and she tried to fight the fear that threatened to push them out over her cheeks. "Nope," she said, but her voice was strained. "I didn't."
"Hey," Jay said, and reached to put a hand on her shoulder. Erin shook it off. "Erin," he said, but she turned away from him, and started towards the door.
"Erin!" called Voight, and although she didn't turn around, she did slow slightly. "She made her choice. And she's not you."
At the silence that followed, Jay just smiled at Voight in a 'thanks-for-trying' kind of way, and he made to follow Erin out of the district, until Voight was left alone in the bullpen with only the sounds of the footsteps departing and the soft but proud sniffling that his daughter fought so hard to contain.
☆
The car ride home was silent.
And painful.
Erin let Jay drive again, which was how he knew she was really upset.
Well, that wasn't strictly true. She made it to the car before him, and she got into the driver's seat as if she had every intention of driving them home. When he reached her, he opened the door to her side of the car and, without a single word, he put his arms around her.
"I'm sorry, Erin. I know you wanted to help." He murmured, running his hand over her hair gently.
She didn't respond, but he could tell, from the way her shoulders tensed up and her breathing became shallow and uneven, that she was fighting to keep her tears in. And he knew why. She thought that he was happy about this. She thought he had wanted Avery to say no.
Jay had thought so too, until he saw Erin's face at the news that Avery had turned her down.
After a few moments, and a few muffled sniffles, Erin hugged him back. She pulled back, her arms around his torso, and smiled. And then she handed him the keys, climbed down from their car, and walked silently to the passenger's side.
They slipped ceaselessly into silence as they drove through the city and back to their apartment.
"Hey, Erin," Jay said, as the car slid soundlessly through the starlight soaked streets, "She might change her mind."
Erin smiled, but inside, she wasn't so sure.
It was too late.
"She didn't even say goodbye," she whispered.
And they spent the rest of the journey in silence.
☆
The car ride to the care home was silent.
And painful.
And Avery didn't object to Platt's questionable taste in music that was blaring from the car radio, which was how the Sergeant knew she was really upset.
"It's not too late, you know. To turn around. I know where Erin lives," Platt told the young girl.
Avery shook her head and didn't respond.
Another silence.
"Can I ask you why?" Platt asked, and Avery turned to face her. It was only in the dim glow of the approaching cars' headlights and the passing streetlamps that Platt noticed how broken the young girl looked. In the district, the tousled dark hair and mascara smudges and torn tights and black doc martens had made her look tough, but now, when you added tear tracks to the mix, she suddenly looked incredibly, totally, broken. "I've known Erin since she was your age, and trust me, that woman was willing to give you the world."
"Doesn't anyone get it? That's the point!" Avery cried. Another tear pooled in her eye, and before she could stop herself, they were inking salty tracks all over her grimy face. She didn't even bother to stop them. "I don't want the world!" she choked out. "I'm not worth it. After everything Erin's been through, she doesn't deserve to have to fix me as well." Her voice cracked. "I'm not worth it," she repeated in a whisper.
It was all the Sergeant could do not to slam on the brakes and take Avery straight back to Erin and Jay's apartment. The only thing stopping her was the fact that she was acutely aware of how the system worked. If Avery wanted to live with Erin, she'd have to wait at least another few days. These things relied on paperwork, and unfortunately, Avery's had her bound to this home for at least tonight.
"Trust me," Platt muttered. "She is far stronger than you give her credit for."
Avery sniffed, wiping her face with the sleeve of her jacket.
"Oh, that reminds me." Platt tried to reach for her bag, which was nestled on the back seat. "Do you mind grabbing my bag? It's just—"
Avery nodded and reached for it, nursing it awkwardly on her lap.
"Okay, in the pocket – the front pocket … yep, that one – there's a card. Erin's card. I want you to take it, and sleep on your decision, and then if you have changed your mind by tomorrow, you call that number and Erin, I am sure, will be more than happy to take you in."
Avery nearly laughed at the déjà vu of the situation. "Thanks," she said. "But I already have her card." At the look on Sergeant Platt's face, she elaborated. "She gave it to me five years ago when she rescued me from the….you know."
"And you kept it?"
Avery shrugged. "I wasn't going to. I was angry at Erin when I realized that she would stop visiting for good, but I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of it. More than it reminding me of her, it reminded me of what I had been through, and I needed that, when I was in the homes. The reminder that I'd been through worse."
"Well then. You know you can always change your mind."
Avery nodded, but inside she wasn't so sure.
It was too late.
"I didn't even say goodbye," she whispered.
And they spent the rest of the journey in silence.
☆
The second that Erin and Jay made it through the door of their apartment, the phone rang.
"I'll get it," Erin said, and kicked her shoes off. She disappeared into the living room and Jay heard her answering with a tired sounding, "Hello?"
A few seconds later, she padded back into the hallway where he was hanging up their coats. "It's Will," she said. "And he sounds way too excited."
Jay's eyes widened in alarm, suddenly remembering that the last thing he had said to his brother was about how he and Erin were possibly going to foster Avery. God, he hoped he hadn't said anything to her.
"Hey Will," Jay muttered down the phone. "I have a cellphone, you know."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Apparently you don't, though."
Jay frowned and fished around in his pockets for his cell. "Ah, shit," he said, when he finally found it. "I guess it died and I didn't notice. Anyway, now you have me. What's up?"
"'I think I just agreed to fostering a child'?" Will quoted from their last meeting. "Care to explain that one to me?"
Jay lowered his voice. "Uh, well, long story short, it's not happening anymore. A kid Erin helped out from a case five years ago was back as a witness to our current case, and Erin offered to help her out, but the kid turned her down."
"I'm sorry, Jay. I know how much you wanted kids."
"Nah, this was only gonna be temporary anyway," he told his brother. "I'm just gutted for Erin. She really believed in that kid, wanted to help her turn her life around like Voight did for her."
"Yeah, that's gotta be tough." He paused, listening to something on the other end of the line. "I've gotta go. Nat's calling me. Take care of yourself, brother, and send Erin our best, won't you? Your time will come, I promise."
"Thanks, Will. I appreciate it."
He hung up, and ventured into the kitchen to see if he could locate Erin. She was sat cross legged on the kitchen counter, eating ice cream straight out of the tub.
"You started without me?" Jay joked, his voice quiet but tender, as if he were speaking to a child.
Erin just handed him the spoon, a blob of cookie dough on it. He bent over and she fed it to him, smiling slightly.
"Want anything to drink?" Jay asked her, reaching for a beer from the fridge. Erin just shrugged and shook her head.
He climbed up onto the counter beside her and sat next to her, their shoulders pressing together. "You know," he told her wisely, "They have chairs for this kind of thing."
"But where's the fun in that?" she pouted, and ate another spoonful of ice cream.
"That is very true," he replied.
"So what did Will want?" she asked.
"He wanted to know what was going on with the Avery situation," he confessed honestly.
"You told him already?"
"Well, he was kinda there when you rang me to ask, so yeah. I felt I owed him a bit of an explanation after he overheard parts of that conversation."
Erin nodded, and then reached over for Jay's beer, taking a swig and then putting it back into his hand and trying not to snort when she saw the look on his face.
"You know, I did offer you a drink," he raised an eyebrow. Erin smirked.
"But where's the fun in that?"
Jay chuckled and leaned over, taking her face in his hand and kissing her forehead. Her eyelids fluttered shut and she breathed into him, nestling her head into his shoulder as his arm cuddled her close.
"Will and Natalie send their best." He whispered into her hair.
A small nod.
"And so do I." He swallowed. "Erin, I feel awful. I know you thought I didn't want Avery to live with us, and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. The truth is, I wanted to help that girl – well, I wanted to help you help her. I just didn't want to see you hurt again."
Erin looked up. "I know," she said gently. "I don't blame you. It was a big ask – and I'm really grateful that you said yes. Even if it didn't work out. Thank you."
She kissed him.
"I love you," Jay told her.
"I love you, too."
They sat there in silence for a while, leaning with their back against the cupboards. Jay's legs hung over the side of the counter while Erin's stayed crossed like a child's, and they took it in turns to drink the beer and eat the ice cream.
After a while, Jay spoke again. "Please don't be sad," he said.
Erin didn't know how to respond to that. "I…I don't know how. To not be sad."
A deep breath. "Then lean on me. I've got your back, no matter what."
"Always," Erin said.
Always.
☆ ☆ ☆
thank you for reading!! if you’d like to be notified when it’s updated either head over to my ff.net account or message me and i’ll tag you at the end of the post :)
@allenting @sophiaxjesse @writteninthestarsandthesky@riverdaleangels @chillmydude @halsteadpd
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More cereal than milk. Otherwise it gets soggy. I don’t really eat cereal anymore though now that I don’t consume dairy.
2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? No. I That’s why I love masks
3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Mostly receipts
4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Tea is black unless it’s mint tea and then it needs sugar, or if I’m sick, and then I put honey in my tea
5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Somewhat. My wisdom teeth pushed my bottom teeth all out of line.
6: do you keep plants? No. I kill them all
7: do you name your plants? I would if I kept plants
8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I like to draw
9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yes
10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Stomach or side
11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Our bratty cats
12: what’s your favorite planet? Venus is pretty cool. Neptune too!
13: what’s something that made you smile today? Going to the bookstore
14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Lots of teaching supplies and cats everywhere
15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! Mercury is shrinking!
16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? I don’t have a particular favorite, I just like pasta with pesto
17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I don’t want to dye my hair
18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. The time I got my suitcase full of books pulled because on the scanners it looked like cocaine
19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I don’t
20: what’s your favorite eye color? Blue
21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don’t get attached to bags
22: are you a morning person? NO
23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Bookstore and French equivalent of Target’
24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? My best friends
25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? I’ve been in a mall after hours but I didn’t break in
26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I wear the same type of black boots but I’m constantly replacing them.
27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Mint
28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset
29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Obsessing over their cats
30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Of course
31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love weird and fun socks. I wear socks to bed in winter but not any other time
32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I don’t think we’ve ever done anything at 3am
33: what’s your fave pastry? a Paris Brest. They’re gr9
34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I have a hedgehog named Hedgie. He’s next to me right now!
35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I do, but I don’t really have much. I’m currently in a place that I’m going to have to leave and move back across the ocean in a few months. I can’t acquire too much stuff
36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? I’m not hugely into bands
37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean. I get stressed if it isn’t clean
38: tell us about your pet peeves! Having to do dishes, not having my own space, and having to wake up early
39: what color do you wear the most? Blue
40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I have a gold bracelet from a play I was in where I played Albert Einstein’s girlfriend
41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? I’ve read so many good things lately, but my last 5 star read was A Winter’s Promise by Christelle Dabos
42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not particularly.
43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? I don’t remember
44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Yesterday while reading in the garden
45: do you trust your instincts a lot? I do. They’re usually correct
46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. Need an ark? I Noah guy.
47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Cottage cheese. It’s gross.
48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Spiders. I’m still afraid of spiders, but I’m more afraid of stairs
49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? It’s been a while
50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Copies of Les Mis
51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I associate the Sailor Moon theme song with my friend Tina
52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? I haven’t been paying attention to mainstream memes so far. I am however in a meme group for my job and it’s hilarious.
53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? Everything but Beetlejuice, and I didn’t really like any of them. The Heathers musical is great though
54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? One of my colleagues who was having a bad morning
55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Made myself sick on purpose
56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Not being at all shyabout their interests
57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? It makes me want to scream along and reenact the lyrics
58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I’m the wine mom, given that I’m the oldest and the mom of the group. Vodka aunt would be a mix of my friends Tina and Carolyn
59: what’s your favorite myth? Achilles and Patroclus or anything having to do with Circe
60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?
61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?
62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Sometimes. I like exotic things like passionfruit and mango juice
63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I have too many books to keep them super organized. They’re double-stacked on my shelves
64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Dark blue
65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? Allmy friends. With covid and being on another continent, it’s a little hard
66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Itises and sunflowers
67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? I like to spend them inside with tea, books, and candles
68: what’s winter like where you live? Mostly rainy. It doesn’t snow a lot in Normandy
69: what are your favorite board games? There’s a game that my mom and I like to play where you go on a road trip across the U.S.
70: have you ever used a ouija board? Yes, before I knew not to mess with those things
71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? I love so many kinds
72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?73: what are some of your worst habits? Being too hard on myself and peeling off my fingernails in strips
74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. My friend have brown curly hair, glasses, and is amazing at piano and at alays knowing what to say
75: tell us about your pets! I have three cats, all girls. One is a torbie (bratty), the second is a dilute calico (stupid), and the last one is black (evil).
76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Lesson-planning for work. I’ll do it tomorrow.
77: pink or yellow lemonade? I don’t really care. I like raspberry lemonade though
78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I don’t hate them, but I won’tgo see the minion movies themselves. Despicable Me was great, and the second one was okay, but everything should have stopped after that.
79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Watched Les Mis with me in a language they didn’t understand
80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?They’re green and blue and were that way when I moved in.
81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Think a vat of Hershey’s chocolate swirling around and around and going into a hole in the center, a hole that seems empty but there is something there, something sparkling
82: are/were you good in school? I was an excellent student. I graduated college summa cum laude
83: what’s some of your favorite album art? I don’t really pay attention to album art
84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I have two and I’m thing about more, but I’m not sure what I want
85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Not really
86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I’m not really into them
87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? The Princess Bride, Tangled, Legally Blonde, and Hunchback of Notre Dame
88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Impressionism
89: are you close to your parents? Our relationship is lukewarm
90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Currently, pandemic-ridden
91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I’m planning to go home in May when my visa expires
92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? I don’t eat cheese by itself, but I drown my pasta in pesto
93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Low bun
94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My best friend’s sister
95: what are your plans for this weekend? Lesson-planning and going to the bookstore
96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I hate updating my computer
97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INFJ, Leo, Ravenclaw
98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I don’t remember. I enjoy walks, but I’m not really into hiking
99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. It depends on my mood
100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years in the past, pre-pandemic
0 notes
Text
Nano 11
Hello everyone,
Today has been really chill. I woke up this morning and didn’t get out of bed until 10am. I had to be at my friend’s house around 11am. I told her I’d bring omelets. It was supposed to be a board game and breakfast pot luck thing. I forgot to buy omelet ingredients, but I had eggs. I made scrambled eggs with left over bacon. We left on time, surprisingly enough. Alia wanted to get bread for toast so we stopped by the store on the way. We got there somewhat on time, but one of the hosts wasn’t there anyway so meh. When the host got home we ate food and started playing games.
We played this new game called, “Love Letter.” I haven’t played it before, but it was very simple to learn. I lost terribly. We played a round of, “Betrayal at house on the hill.” I was one of the heroes, but again I lost. It was close though. We played a round of, “Red Dragon Inn” which was fun.
I like hanging out with these friends. I don’t see them very often. I try, but they’re often very busy. They seem stressed out a lot, and not in the mood to hang out a lot of the time. It’s fine. I understand. I think it’s just important for me to keep trying to contact them. I remember I lost a lot of friends in college because I kept bailing on plans. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to hang out. It was just never convenient. After a while, those friends stopped contacting me. It sucked.
After we left, we went home and relaxed a little before Alia had to go to DnD. She left around 6pm-ish and I tried to get work done. I cleaned my room, did dishes, hung up old laundry I never put away, and did some research. I was supposed to prepare for my DnD session tomorrow, but I just never felt like it. It sounds like I did a lot, but all those activities took me like an hour and I spent three hours doing nothing of importance.
I played cookie clicker and watched Hearthstone videos. I have a hard time forcing myself to do work at home. In college I accepted that I couldn’t get work done at home, so I used to stay at the all night study building and do important essays. I think when my roommates leave, I’m going to move my computer out to the living room and try to train myself to only sleep and relax in my bedroom. I think I associate my room with relaxing so much that I can’t break the mental block to work. If I separate my work space and sleep space then maybe I could be more productive. I think I also need to sit less. During the weekends, I am on my butt like all day. I thought about getting a standing desk. Not real standing desk, but just stack empty boxes on my desk until my monitors are at boob level. It might help, but I might just be wasting my time.
The problem is, I’ve been trying to train myself to get over this mental block for six years. This isn’t a new idea, and I don’t think it’s something I can just will myself into being more productive. I think it’s time to treat myself like an organism of habit and try changing my environment. I don’t know, we will see.
I was watching this youtuber today named, “Day9.” Back in the day, I used to play a lot of Warcraft 3. When Starcraft 2 came out near 2010, I got really deep into the competitive scene of Starcraft, and got into the personalities. I eventually started watching Day9’s content because a forum told me I should watch his 100th episode. I watched the whole thing and I felt a lot of feelings.
Yeah I want to take a break here and talk about my character growing up. I know I was a very impressionable kid. I get that and I don’t think it’s a terrible thing, but not something I really do now. I always had some form of a hero as I grew up. When I was in elementary school, I looked up to my cousin Mark. He was four years older than me, and so confident. He taught me how to play majority of sports, and he was a good moral influence on me. I remember he wanted to become a cop, so I did too. He talked about going into the military and I had my own plan to also go into the military. I was young and didn’t understand the world very well. When I got older, I watched a lot of anime. It also had a strong influence on my character. I didn’t change my career over an episode of Naurto, but I did change the way I dressed. I cut my hair like one of my favorite characters, and I wore like three belts at once because I saw it in an episode of Bleach once. I started to go to Anime cons. I went to my first con in 2006, Fanime, and I was cosplaying by 2008.
I got really into Scrubs in high school. It sounds dumb now, but that’s why I wanted to become a doctor in high school and early college. I watched every episode three to four times, maybe more. I was really emotional and tried to defuse the tension with jokes. I cut my hair again to look more like the main character of Scrubs. I emulated a lot of the humor and I memorized the speeches. I still have the Scrubs sound track on my phone.
Later, and this brings me to Day9, I started to look up to some of these Youtubers. I was really into Doctor Who and Starcraft. I downloaded all the emotional speeches Day9 gave and listened to them whenever I needed a pick me up. His 100th daily was about his road to winning the American championship. His mom was super supportive when he talked about playing game competitively, and his older brother was just as into it. His story involved him losing the championship for a few years, and he kept at it and came back to win the whole thing. At one point in the story he talked about his brother. His brother had been working to win this tournament year too, and it cost him a lot of money to be there. They got pit against each other in the tournament and his brother lost. His brother pull him aside and told him, “I am so proud of you and you’re gonna win this thing.” It hit me kinda hard back then. I was working a part time job that took a toll on me both mentally and physically. I was scrapping by at college. I was doing well, but I didn’t sleep a lot and had very little if no friends outside of my relationship. I really wanted that kind of validation. I wanted to be told that someone was proud of me. I mean, I do a lot of things for myself, but it would have helped for someone to tell me I was doing a good job. It seems dumb now, but just thinking about someone telling me they were proud of me almost made me cry.
I had a talk to Alia about an idea similar to this a while ago. We got out of college and started out career jobs. She said something along the lines of, “It feels weird to be this happy, I feel like something isn’t right and this feeling isn’t permanent.” I had a response right away. I said it feels this way because we kept telling ourselves it’s gonna get better one day. I had music that got me through the day when it got really hard. I used to listen to this crappy song my Good Charlotte called, “March on” in the morning. It was just a song about how life sucks, but to keep marching on. I listened to it when I had a bad day to remind myself that suffering like this was only temporary. That if I kept moving forward then everything will be ok. I used to find things to make me cry. I used to have episode of scrubs I would rewatch just to cry. Think they were, “My old lady”, “My TCW”, “My steaknight” and “My life in four cameras.” I just really wanted the release of crying to help me get through the week. I used to watch Day9 videos and sad episodes of Doctor who, to help me get a lot of feelings out. I had breakup song I would listen to that would help me cry to not feel so bad, “Payphone” “When We die” and “Where have you been”.
What I am trying to say is, I spent so long convincing myself that, “One day it’s gonna be ok” that I forgot I might have reach it. I got so used to treating the stress that when every was FINALLY ok, it didn’t feel right. I needed to remind myself that this is why I didn’t sleep for days sometimes. I cried in from of two teachers and three bosses because the stress got really bad.
I don’t need these things anymore. I don’t have as much stress as I did. I don’t find reasons to cry anymore, I don’t have songs that get me through the day, and I don’t have any more heroes, fictional or otherwise. It’s probably for the best.
A lot of my heroes didn’t age well. My cousin Mark became a passionate Trump supporter. Scrubs didn’t age well from a social perspective. There are a lot of issues from a feminist and racial perspective. I found out Day9 cheated on his girlfriend when he traveled to Sweden, and I watched his old horror game show with Alia. I kept cringing at a lot of the jokes. I overlooked a lot of these when I was younger because I needed a way to defuse. I don’t have any heroes and I am not looking for that validation in the same way I was years ago. I dunno, I think I’m better off.
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
karamelek38
XKaRaMeLeK38X
wedguru7
Wedguru
theorcastrator-blog
The Orcastrator
globalschoolvihargurgaon-blog
Untitled
erdagyapi
erdeco