#everything about it just seems so empty

[faygelehh]

I DEEPLY miss the era of being an online artist and being able to have a page with detailed customization and SLATHERING it with your ocs, your art, your friends, other artists you looked up to, etc . And striving to make it really POP, but like, not as a form of… “branding” or trying to sell your aesthetic, back then it was literally just “hiii look at my ocs :3c i made this page myself with basic html and i had fun!! Look look look!!”, i miss pagedolls, i miss pixel art, i miss old school deviantart and tumblr where we actually cared about each other’s page themes , i miss artists being a more intertwined community instead of being forced to focus on what is the most “palatable” !! I wish we didn’t have to sell an easy-to-swallow “brand” to survive, i just want to create, and i miss when there were platforms FOR artists, yknow?

#ughhh.. bark bark bark. not to sound like an old man but i miss ye olden days when you could customize more than a banner and a pfp. #im so tired of minimalist online spaces. i want 1000 stamps and blinkies and a dancing lil gif of my ocs!!! #im thinking about starting a MySpace page now that im getting more into coding #i miss old deviantart so bad i remember like 10 years ago when da was actually fun #the only website i can think of that has this level of customizability is … toy house #and nothing against th tbh but ive just never been able to Get Into It #i should probably try??? it seems like a decent artist community #but i want MORE of that. i want my page covered in EVERYTHING top to bottom no blank white empty space #rrrr. ok im done. bark bark #j barks

[holocene-sims]

a sneak peek for an upcoming (timeline tbd) update 😊

#holocene.txt #hlcn: story extras #consider this a thanks for the kind words on gratitude day :) #i wanna respond to everyone individually when i have time and also wax poetic about how much every comment means to me #it really does mean a lot #it's been a rough year and a very lonely year like i'm genuinely just so :/ #i lost both of my grandmothers this year very suddenly and the holidays feel empty now and i'm dealing with scary health issues #i finally had a brain mri after waiting for it to get scheduled since JUNE and now i have to wait on results and undergo some other testing #and i'm losing my mind a little because i planned a nice christmas gift for my mom and it feels ruined because the post office lost it #and my dad ruined the whole surprise of it by calling customer support on speaker phone with her in the room...and she ofc heard everything #i just wanted something nice for my mom :( she deserves it and although i have other gifts for her still it's not all what i planned #i don't mean to rant but i just wanted to add context when i say it means a lot that anyone even remotely likes my pixels #i may not know most of you very well *yet* (trying to fix that!!) but it's nice to feel a little support from somewhere :) beyond nice #and sorry for being absent a lot this year but i swear i have so much appreciation for y'all and i love you and your pixels dearly #i always feel bad like maybe it doesn't seem like i care in return bc i'm offline a lot now but i really do!! i care a lot!! love y'all xox

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart #on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me #but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents #leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing #if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney #at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious #intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops #functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant #obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom #but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills #it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was #meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood #but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual. #i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more #we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week #its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die #so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her #computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to #before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the #feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird #unrelated

[citrus-cactus]

Not to sound like a cranky old lady, but I am shocked and appalled every time I venture into the capitalist hellscape known as Michaels Arts and Crafts.

#first off: tons of empty shelves. #second: so much cheap crap and like… pre-made candles and decorations?? get those OUT of there #third: meager yarn section #third-and-a-half: kids’ crafts and kids’ craft instruction is just. NOT the same as it was (it seems worse?) #fourth (and now we might be getting hyper-specific to my local stores): dried paint?? all over the floor?? #like everything about my local stores just scream SAD #the latest horror is automated checkout kiosks #the WHOLE STORE was staffed by like… one young woman #I felt SO BAD asking her a question #idk everything is awful and a place that used to bring me so much joy as a kid is just… a shambling corpse of a business #the cactus screams into the void

[girlscience]

well. I added my recent work stuff to my resume today, but then got stressed and didn't even manage to edit it. the day isn't over so maybe I'll get more done, but aaaghaghghaghag

#I thought I just needed to add my new experince and call it good #except it is definitely made for applying to a job not a school #and i dont know how to change it or what all i need to change to make it better #like i feel like i should remove things but then it just seems really empty?? #and i am also trying to plan a trip with my mom to go look at one of the schools tomorrow #because i completely forgot that was a thing i should maybe do? #i just started applying places without even thinking about the schools themselves #outside of if they were good/had the programs i want #i didn't look at price or the campus or how big they are or what cities they are in #and the one im looking at with my mom has two campuses and i have to pick which one i want to go to #and trying to figure out which one would be better is very confusing #wish they would just be like you will have access to these facilities at this campus and these facilities at this one #but they dont have that #and then also i need to figure out TA/GA positions and applications #and i am so stressed about that and keep putting it off #but like. i have basically given myself two weeks to get everything done and haven't done any of it yet #and i am going to cry and puke #do i actually think i can do this if the application is making me feel like this? #but i cant back out now because i have told too many people and asked for refernce letters #and also i do want to do it #but then i am also supposed to look for even more schools and have to do all this for them too #*sobbibng*

[dreamsb0u]

i feel like i should be happy rn but im not??? if that makes sense?????????

#not a vent #like its less im upset and more just the absence of being happy #idk #but its also not like im empty rn??? #i dont know WHAT my brain is doing rn its like it forgot what emotion to send #i wanna talk about my ocs but i have no inspiration no motivation no nothing #so everything i type or say seems kinda flat #its weird #kinda just acting like im normal rn #im tired but im not???? #again. idk #and its kinda unsettling #but whatever

[samaspic31]

Im losing my mind the world’s on fire and i can barely do is make somewhat pretty pictures

#im never one to dismiss the importance of art but it’s. not enough #talking politics and try to win terrain in the social circles i have access to doesn’t either #it’s all just so. little compared to hegemonic structures that i can’t do mich about from the outside nor want to enter #and we’re all so set in our biases #im reaching ppl but already those who agree enough and not on everything and even when i do their actions don’t seem to follow #and my art feels empty #i need a bf shit would be more bearable #i also need to have less free time and to go volunteer somewhere #It’s just. all so fucked everywhere #currently having a breakdown about systemic suppression of divergences and the army #because im binging m*a*s*h #sam speaks #at least I’ll have drawn long haired men in the meantime

[soullessjack]

every day I remember that this fandom simply does not care about autistic people and, much like every other fucking thing I experience as an autistic person, the concept of it being a collective found family becomes increasingly alien to me. love this place.

#we really just can’t win I fucking hate it here #like this is my special interest. this is my community. I’ve met so many people through it that ended up becoming lifelong friends #I’ve been here for almost ten years and it’s meant everything to me for ten years. it’s kept me going through so much shit. #it’s more than just a show and more than just a fandom and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever been apart of #and like I didn’t realize I was autistic until like late 2021. I didn’t even realize SPN was my special interest until then either #I didn’t realize JACK was my special interest. but knowing that he is autistic means so much to me #and its meant so much to other autistic ppl in the fandom. somebody at MomentoCon even mentioned it to Alex last weekend for fucks sake . #it’s real and it’s special and it’s important to us but #but no we can’t have that. make him a fucking baby. toss every interesting thing about his character into a fucking volcano #and relegate him to being a fucking prop for everybody else. #I don’t know how else to tell you this but you are literally infantilizing an autistic person. you are being ableist. intentionally or not. #and the way you all seem to just. idk. double down on your own ableism? or excuse it? #or literally ignore autistic ppl who try to point out how ableist and weird your behavior towards an autistic character is? #it’s a lot of things. it’s so many terrible things and terrible feelings. but above all it’s disheartening. #it hurts to know that even in this space where everyone is family and everyone belongs. I’m still on the outside looking in. #I’m still not /really/ a part of everything else. it’s a horrible feeling and I don’t wish anyone to ever go through with it #but maybe you fucking should. maybe then you’d realize what you’re doing. or maybe you won’t. maybe I’m screaming into the void again. #which I literally always am w this topic anyways. nothing but screaming into a vast empty void that’s supposed to be my big special family #but whatever I guess. #spn #supernatural #spn fandom #spn family #spn famdom #jack kline #autistic jack kline #tfw2.0 #destiel #sam and dean #castiel

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

#i just want one good month by this point. i feel like i’ll never have a good year in this lifetime #reflecting on this year alone makes me wonder what the point of living is #i literally flipped a car over i lost a major friendship my dad officially filed for divorce my bank account was hacked #my family didn’t care about my birthday or graduation i had to stop seeing my therapist i don’t know where i’m going to get a job #so i also don’t know how i’m gonna pay bills my chronic illness seems to be getting worse #which means i don’t even know how well i’m going to do with a full time job #i wonder why i’m so depressed and sad and why everything feels meaningless including myself and then i reflect and it all makes sense #i try to have hope and i try to stay strong and optimistic and i acknwoledge the good things #but sometimes it seems like those good things don’t even make me feel good anymore #i’m here and i love and i want to believe that’s enough but it never feels like it #i don’t feel like anything i do is right lately. at all. #i just feel empty and dissociated and it’s making me really snippy because i’ve been getting so annoyed recently #i feel like everyone’s sick of me #why was i made human

[shatteredsnail]

years of my parents vacuuming at 7am for seemingly no reason makes so much more sense now that i just vacuumed at 3am

#look who got into a mood and threw out half their possessions and deep cleaned their entire room and all the bathroom cabinets and drawers #except now i’m in a new mood where everything seems empty and wrong #there are. two things left on my walls and ones a mirror i’ve had since i was 8 and we moved to this house. the other is a painted map #it’s probably been up since like 6th grade? tbh i’d take it down if i could reach but it’s near the ceiling and heavy because it’s wood #i just can’t be bothered #it looks so depressing now that i think about it. #there’s no personality. it’s all functional. there’s one shelf with some stuffed animals that were gifts and some books #but other than that it’s like. metal pen holder and the most basic looking lamp. #i can’t even say i keep my stuff in other places because i don’t. all of my possessions are in this room besides like. a toothbrush. #i don’t even keep anything other than that in the bathroom because my brother always left it a mess and even if he moved out 4 years ago #i never put anything back #god i never realized how awful my room is #this is definitely a realization to have at 330 in the morning #maybe i need to buy room decor. idk. it just seems like a waste of money

[lavenoon]

🥺 🤡 and ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

:)

Hi shroomie!!

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

Hmm, well heart-to-hearts are always good, but I think - I think I really like the moments right after, where they're exhausted from being vulnerable, with perhaps things still left unsaid, but this mutual understanding of "we care we love we just cannot talk about this more right now, it will be there when we have energy again, for now we just need to exist together without the tension" and then they do, leaning against each other or cuddling. The promise of more, because it needs to be addressed, but the trust and love of "it can wait" - I love that very much <3

🤡 What’s a line, scene, or exchange you’ve written that made you laugh?

From Empty Nest Syndrome, when Moon worries about Robin and Sun teases him with:

“No, you’re just brooding so much the entire house feels like a nest. Someone missing his pet bird?” 

I just loved how neatly the teasing nickname now became a theme, and I was really damn proud of the title, too! I still chuckle at Sun coaxing Moon back out of his shell like that hehe

And the dreaded compliments /hj /lh I'm counting these as one for my peace of mind please I have two more to go after this already and I'm already struggling gfhdjs

I really really try to have varied sentence lengths - I know I have a tendency towards long ass sentences (like this one) (because every thought comes with bonus thoughts) but I do try! Throw in a couple very short sentences and some medium length ones before I inevitably slip back into one sentence per paragraph hfdj

#answer let luce #boxofcreampuffs #if the heart to heart forces everything out it can also seem forced so its also just a neat little breather #for the author for the audience for the characters #I love flawed people trying and loving and putting in the work #its my bread and butter and yall know how normal i am about bread #god #empty nest syndrome was so early into au #i think that adds to the “oh my god look babys first theme” euphoria lmao #before that it was for teases only and like. lighthearted fun becoming serious care my beloved

[noxtivagus]

head in hands thinking of hermes n ebenholz

#🌙.rambles #rereading question of life again a bunch today n. hermes.. searching for the answer to change in other stars. #my bro. my dear. beloved. i daresay the answer's been w you all along.. in a way #I FEEL. SO MUCH FOR HERMES. BCS HE FELT SO LONELY N DIFFERENT IN THE IMPERFECT SOCIETY OF ETHEIRYS #but bro if you're an aberration then fuck it i'll. be one too yk? you won't be alone #i haven't finished lingering echoes yet on yt or wtvr but #that freedom he rlly yearned for.. that touches me so much. i can't even begin to explain it oh my god #out of all my favs in ffxiv i probably talk abt hermes the most. in terms of his chara he's probably my fav #but alphi n emet-selch r equally as special as well i rlly don't have a fav in ffxiv 😭 #in arknights. i rlly don't know much yet but with chara design there's mostima n lappland that definitely caught my eye the most #but. even w those two n others as well. ebenholz i think was the chara that i knew wld be my fav #n then help my mind has two definite like. IDK HOW TO SAY IT BUT i'm rlly thinking of both hermes n ebenholz at the same time #n. one of my ocs too. who srs just. helpp i project sm unto him he's probably like my no. 1 ideal type #ständchen & dead butterflies & no plan r the three songs i'll obsess over today it seems >.> #dead butterflies w the context n the. word choice the imagery the emotion in it :^) so special. so meaningful. #to me it. it's like a persisting emptiness. a sorrow that doesn't ever quite go away. fitting w the context of yk yeah i think #no plan! hozier! THE LYRICS R SO PERFECT MY MAN ILY #i rlly relate w the meaning behind the lyrics of the song <3 #n then ständchen T_T EBENHOLZ.. N THEN. YK THE MELODY FROM SCHUBERT #i love music so so much. n everything about music. the meaning behind it n what it means to me as well n. yeah. YEAH #wait. i'm still obsessed w doomsday :^) sobs n talk from hozier too.. n. running in the dark. yeah #doomsday.. dealing w loss. inevitability of mortality. talk w the flowery insincerity oh my god. n then. #running in the dark i can't even rlly say bcs the song is just. rlly means a lot to me personally T_T it's so comforting #once i learn more of arknights! i will certainly write what i think of it in a different light someday #i think. i can rlly emphatize w these song themselves. the meaning behind them n the context n #i'm also very aware of what it personally means to me n #that small certainty in smth that's rlly just so vastly uncertain brings me some ounce of comfort. #curiosity of the unknown gives me comfort too. i've never rlly been one to hide or run away from what i fear bcs i still find it interestin #i just. rlly love sm things in life. i'm rlly glad i can still hold unto this part of me despite the painful things as well #but i'm one that. i. have to appreciate life wholly. it gets overwhelming tho but i still strive to just be myself n what that means to me.

[trees-to-meet-you]

Literally though what sort of parent is actually encouraging their child to be on Instagram??

#my precal teacher was complaining about her students/grandkids (or something) being on social media too much and im just like #‘my mom keeps telling me to be on instagram more’ #and she’s like ‘what?????’ #BC YEAH ITS CONFUSING WHY WPULD ANYONE DO THAT #I DONT CARE ABOUT THE LADY WHO LIVES IN ITALY AND RANKS THINGS FOR TOURISTS TO DO IN ITALY #DO YOU REALLY THINK I WILL EVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BE IN ITALY #I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE SCIENTIST LADY WHO KEEPS TALKING ABOUT COVID STUFF YES SHES GREAT SHES A GOOD SOURCE OF INFORMATION SHE TRIES #TO KEEP HYSTERIA DOWN NO I DONT WANT TO WATCH HER THAT TAKES TIME I DONT WANT TO SPEND AND I DONT CARE TO KNOW ANYTHING MORE ABOUT COVID #THAN I HAVE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP #I DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING BE ON INSTAGRAM ANY MORE THAN I HAVE TO (WHICH IS NOT AT ALL BUT I DO HAVE A PHOTO ACCOUNT ILL OCCASIONALLY UPDATE #BC I LIKE THE PHOTOS I TAKE OF CLOUDS AND SHUTTERFLY CAN BE A FUCKING HASSLE) #NO ONE ON INSTAGRAM SEEMS REAL. EVERYTHING IS MARKETING AND APPEARANCES NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING JOKES ARE SO LIGHT THEYRE HUMORLESS #NO ONE SEEMS LIKE AN ACTUAL PERSON WOTH ACTUAL STRUGGLES EVEN WHEN THEYRE OPEN ABOUT SAID STRUGGLES #IT ALL JUST SEEMS LIKE CANDY COATING AND EMPTY SHELLS #I DONT FUCKING WANT TO BE ON INSTAGRAM #sorry for the rant #i should probably delete this later

[rainsofvioleta]

so my parents have gone to cuba for three weeks and oh my god I really didn't think being home alone a continent away would affect me this much, but I literally cried myself to sleep last night and barely got through my work shift today. they literally only just landed there and I'm already a mess??? this is not a good start to pride month 😐

#I'm looking after our cat too and every time he looks confused at my parents empty bedroom I end up crying #like EVERYTHING is setting me off atm and I'm like damn bitch I did not know I was this emotional #they're not back until June 24th and I'm so worried I won't be able to like... sleep properly or just function??? #they've never even left me on my alone for longer than one night which might seem strange bc I'm 21 #but dad can't work and mum is his carer so they don't go very far and we see a LOT of e/o so I think this is a lot all at once #anyway I don't normally talk about such personal things on here but I'm not super comfortable talking to my irls about this #I need the anonymity a bit bc I feel like I need to just get this down somewhere w/o someone I know staging an intervention

[the-darkgod]

every once in a while you really do start to wonder at what point is the issue that im feeling depressed or is it that the world around me is slowly (quickly) burning and it feels like every consideration i might have had for my future is meaningless so like why not just sit around and watch tiktoks on my phone until the world burns down around me

#anyway its like idk everything just seems Too Big to deal with #ik everyone would say things like you should join activism groups #and do things and try to change thigns #ive read things talking about how the world isn't really as doomed as we might think it is! #theres still a way back! #but the thing is. it just seems so completely unrealistic that we'd ever care to change it back #and like. god. idk. whats the point of me trying #i feel no rage. do drive to change anything #i just feel complete emptiness #anyway im gonna try to email a therapist named danny devito tomorrow #alex speaks

[be-good-to-bugs]

maybe i am cool and fun to be around. i feel like people dont like me but ive hardly been around anyone in so long so i have no proof of that.

#the bin #there have been some people who seemed to wanna be friends. i wish it couldve happened. #there was one of my sisters old coworkers who said they wanted to be friends. i really wanted to get to know them and hangout but i didnt #have tbeir contact info and my sister kept randomly having falling outs with them bc shes the worst #they stopped wanting to be around my sister. apparently they still wanted to be my friend but i never got her contact info #she seemed so cool. she showed me her los and monster high collection one of the few times we hung out. i wish we coulda watched #barbie movies together or smth. but no. #how do you meet people? where do you meet people who like the some kinda stuff you do? is it all just luck based? #ive been thinking music shows might be a good idea to try n meet people. that seems to be where a lot of people meet their cool alt friends #i wish i wasnt so lost on how social stuff works. others seem to just make friends wherever. but whenever i talk to people it ends quickly #how do you turn an acquaintance into a friend? some people will meet somone once in a circumstance where theyd never run into them again #and theyll become friends. how do they do that? i know its not luck. how do people have conversations in ways that lead to that? #how do you even learn you have these common interests or that you just like their personality? i hardly know what to talk about that isnt #immediately relevant. i do pretty well socially in work settings bc i can make some casual conversation but its all pretty enpty #i feel so awful every second of the day. nothing distracts me from it. i just wanna talk to someone. watch a show with someone #hold soneones hand. not be alone all the time. #i miss telling jokes. its like such a big part of me and how i interact with people. i have bareky gotten to joke around with anyone in #months. i think that especially is crushing me honestly #i just. i feel SO BAD. every day feels so long and horrible. its only one more month and then things will change at least somewhat but #everyday is so hard to get through. every hour feels like forever. i hate it. i can do anything to feel better #i feel empty of everything besides horrible feelings