#everything here is nice and it feels weird and i hate it i keep wauting for something to happen and it isnt happening and i want it to just

[steampoweredskeleton]

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#delete later #i am doing. okay. #im really amxious about lying. im terrifiedy parents are going to find out abd do something and its making me revert quite a bit to #old habits but im still doing okay. i haven't bolted at all ive got myself food a few times and gone into the fridge unprompted #and have even been having proper discussions sometimes and exoressing opinions which is GOOD. i only get the urge to bolt when im on my own #which is very good and although i know im doing anxious stims a lot i havent had a serious panic attack or been ill or flinched or anything #im doing actually okay mostly. i obviously am not doing the best #like i still have the lost duckling anxious unsure energy and i havent been great at starting conversations and ive been zoning out a bit #but im also okay and thats great! #though just looking at the way her dad is and comparing it with how mine is is uh upsetting just a bit. the jokes are just jokes #theres no like edge to them of ILL DO IT no sharp grin and leaning in close or serious tone at the end that lets me know he would actually #do it. its off-putting honestly bc i keep being internally like AHH and then i look closer and im like hey no theres actually no danger her #contrast that with my dad on the phone today who said in rekation to me sleeping in late that if i was with them theres no way they #would allow it. said it once with a laugh then once more completely seriously so i know its true. freaked me out a lot. its a tiny thing bu #the tone he uses which lets you know you have no choice in the matter and youd better just do as your told is scary. its scary. #there has not been a point here where friend has looked scared of her dad. she challenged him multiple times and they all laughed it off #its fucking wild. no one has poked fun at anything ive done other than little teasing from friend that i know is just normal. i dont know #i wish i wasnt scared that they will start yelling or making fun of me bc thats not normal and im amgry. #im angry. #everything here is nice and it feels weird and i hate it i keep wauting for something to happen and it isnt happening and i want it to just #happen to get it over with but i dont bc then itll hurt and i dont want it to snd she promised its all okay but it cant be bc thats not how #things work except apparently it ahould work like that #amd now im crying and very thankful that this place is so soundproofed bc im dumb abd this is unfair abd stupid #another example of ill be fine by tomorriw just gotta get the emotions out #but like i just had a snacj from the pile they have sll said i can have things from anytime and i couldnt stop myaelf hiding tge wrapper #in my bag bc maybe theyll see it in the bin snd bw angry i #and remembering my strategies for hiding rubbish in layers of litchen towel or taking out the bins to hide it underneath the bag or #putting it in pockets until i could throw it out wuth the sweet wrapper frim my grandparents THAT ISNT NORMAL WHAT THE FUCK #i domt know why i do this!!! my mum has always let us have fruit from the bowl and drinks from cabinets and most things. i dont UNDERSTAND #theres no reason for this other than ita just a misplaced response to being tightly controlled but i dont know. maybe it is. i just have it