#everything is just getting worse and worse and i dont know how much more of it i can take before i snap

[kamii-2]

omg!!! you should do a paige x softball player!reader fic where paige and the reader are in situationship and reader wants to make things official and paige doesn’t fully know what she wants until it’s like one of readers big games and paige is there in readers jersey and asks her after they win!

i read your kk hcs and saw the a/n and was like omg i love that bc 1)i’m a softball player 2)i love paige sm!

hi anon! i love this idea so much but im gonna change it up (i dont like the idea of paige wearing readers jersey but i like everything else) sorry if its nothing how you wanted it, if you want me to redo it just ask :) !!

warning(s): none (surprisingly)

genre: fluff

pairing(s): paige bueckers x softball player!reader

not proofread (i keep forgetting to add this 😭)

==================================

today was senior night and one of the most important softball games, paige and a few of your other friends were coming as well. you and her had been messing around for a few months now and you were starting to fall deep in love with her.

everything about her made you feel weak in the knees. her smile, her voice, the way she treats you, everything.

-

it was and hour and 30 minutes before the game and you were in your off-campus apartment getting ready. you were putting all of your things in your bag when you got a facetime call from paige. you answered and propped your phone up on the desk in your room, continuing to shove things in your softball bag. “hey.” she said with the phone set up in kk’s room somewhere. “hi.” you say back, “why’d you call?” you asked her. “to tell you that ice and kk are coming with me.” she answered, you smiled and said “okay, well i have to go get dressed so i’ll talk to you later. bye!” you said before hanging up.

you walked over to the uniform sprawled all over your bed and put it on. after you put it on you went in the bathroom and put your hair in a low ponytail. when you were done you put on some slides, grabbed your phone and keys, then went to your car to head to the field.

-

when you got to the field the game was starting in an hour and 13 minutes. the field was ready and most of your teammates were there. “hey y/n.” one of your teammates said as you walked in the dugout. “hi.” you said with a smile and clipped your bag to the fence, grabbing your cleats out and sitting on the bench to put them on. “are you ready for senior night?” another teammate asked you while sitting down next to you, “yes but i’m gonna miss you guys.” you said in a sad-ish tone.

after you got your shoes on, you talked with your teammates and coaches till the other team arrived at 5:00. the game started at 6:00 so this gave both teams an hour to practice before it started. you got a catching partner and threw back and forth till your coach called you guys over to practice batting and fielding.

-

it was currently 5:55 and both teams were in the dugout waiting for the game to start. when paige, kk, and ice got there you came out the dugout and said hi and giving them each a hug then going back in.

since you guys are home team you’re in the field first. you waited for coach to you where to go, “y/n, you’re gonna pitch.” he told you, you nodded and put your glove and face mask on.

you got some practice pitches in and the in and out fielders threw a ball around. at 6:00 the first batter walked up and got ready, you pitched right down the middle, she she swung and it went straight to you. you caught it and she was out.

-

in was now the last inning and you were on third base. your teammate had one more strike before she was out and you guys lost. the pitcher pitched a perfect pitch and your teammate swung, it went in between second and first and you ran to home. the pitcher had the ball when you about to be at home so you slid and the pitcher tripped and landed on you really hard, her face mask flew off her face.

you were safe but your hips hurt really bad and you were gonna be bruised and hurting worse for sure tomorrow. besides everything that jsut happened, you sat up after the other girl got up and cheered, winning one of the most important games of the season.

-

you were in the dugout sitting on the bench with your head thrown back, when ice and kk came in. “where’s paige?” you asked as they sat next to you. “she had to go back to her dorm real quick but she’ll be back in a little bit.” kk said. “i bet your hips hurt.” ice said while looking at you. “they do and bad but it’s fine it’ll go away.” you said while standing up, wincing in pain.

they got up and walked out the dugout while you put your stuff in your bag and said bye to them. now it was time for senior night.

“first up we have y/n l/n, she can play any position and is one of your best pitchers. despite being super clumsy and somewhat reckless, she’s one of our best players.” the coach looked over at you and you limped over to her, stand next to her at the pitching mound. “now on to her stats.” she said as she flipped to a page full of numbers, “she has played all 20 games we’ve been in so far, batted 28 times, struck out twice, hit by pitch 6 times, got on base by hitting 16 times, and got on base by balls 4 times. her highlights of the season are hitting 3 home runs, 1 grand slam, and been the winning runner 4, now 5, times.” your coach informed everyone while you stood next to her smiling super big. “y/n is a great player and i’m gonna miss her when she leaves.” your coach was tearing up and she turned to you and gave you a big hug, and you returned it, starting to cry too.

your turn was done so you walked back into the dugout being hugged by everyone and staying for everyone else’s turn.

-

it was 9:04 and you were walking out the dugout going to find paige and her friends. they were standing by the bleachers talking, “hey guys.” you said to them and they went up to you and said hi and gave you guys and were talking about the game. “are your hips okay?” paige asked you, “they hurt alot but it’ll go away eventually.” you said while placing your heavy bag on the ground.

“well me and kk are gonna go back to our dorm, our uber is here.” ice said and she game you one last hug before walking away, kk giving you a hug and leaving.

“y/n i have a question for you and something for you in my car.” paige said as she grabbed your hands. “what is it?” you asked her. “y/n l/n will you please be my girlfriend?” said asked with a smile and grabbing your waist softly so she didn’t hurt you. “yes, yes i will!” you said as you gave her a kiss.

she kissed back then quickly pulled away. “i have a big as basket full of stuff for you. i had nika and azzi help me pick out things for it.” she said as she held your hand started to walk. you grabbed your bag and followed her, “im excited to see it.” you replied as she took you to her car to get the basket. she opened the car door and handed the basket to you.

“thank you so much p.” you said to her giving the taller girl a kiss. “you’re welcome baby, ill see you tomorrow.” she smiled and got in her car to leave.

==================================

sorry if this sucks 😭 but anyway i hope you enjoy, have a good day/night, love you 💋💋

#uconn huskies #uconn wbb #paige bueckers #paige bueckers x reader #softball #uconn softball

[emo-queer-boi]

I think is because of comments like this that Im more heartbroken over Shane doing this than the others, now don't get me wrong I'm not part of the "shane was pushed into doing this by the two evil greedy guys he calls friends" (which btw reeks of racism) the fact that I'm not part of it makes it more sad to me, because I Know he decided to do this, he knows how hard it is to just buy groceries nowadays, not even getting specific into the age group of most of the fans.

I simply can't afford it, I had originally written a whole paragraph about my situation rn and went into a lot of over sharing about really tragic things but I really don't Have to, I can't afford it, and thats that, and it's an understatement to say I've been through many situations where I haven't been able to afford stuff that would have helped my mental health but they were too on the side of "wants" and not "needs"

So no, I'm not upset over this because "boo hoo I dont want to spend money/I'm not used to not getting things I want for free." I'm upset over this and it feels like a slap in the face when it comes from someone like Shane, who says stuff like this that makes me and others think he gets it enough to not put all his future content behind a paywall when so many of us find it comfort content

I know a lot of us are mostly blaming Steven for this, and bringing up stuff about his life like the tesla or food habits and all that, but I beg you guys to see that as big of a shitty thing it is to be out of touch and oblivious about how much your audience can take, I consider it honestly just as bad if not worse to Know and still do it

No I don't think Shane is rich, or at the same level as a famous actor or that charging us 6 dollars for future content is the same level of tone deaf and pretentiousness as celebrities singing Imagine during the pandemic

Another disclaimer: I'm pretty fucking priviledge when it comes to money that my parents can pay for me to have all the necessities to not only survive nowadays but actually enjoy it with certain comforts, I still can't afford it, so I really don't want to think about how people that don't have my privileges feel about this

All in all, shitty fucking decision with understandable reasons pushing it to happen, I don't think any content creator wants to depend on YouTube deciding on giving them sponsors that magically go with the video they're supporting

But please stop acting like Shane isn't a grown man that is aware of not only everything he has stood for in the past but the way things have gotten worse lately for I would say 99% of us

#watcher #shane madej

[ganondoodle]

tumblr too will sell all user data to A/I fuckers. the toggle is apparently just to tell the techbros i dont want it, they "believe" they will "honor" that, like techbros ever honored anything but money.

sharing my art and connecting with people has been, literally, whats kept me alive through my darkest days.

i do not want it stolen, mangled and used to generate more money for people that already have more money than god.

creative labors of love that we share with people for free, to connect with people, to find joy in art and to bring joy to others, only for it to be ripped from you against your will, stolen, mangled, twisted into an algorythm just so some disgustingly rich guys gain more money.

and you lagerly cant do anything against it, the things you have ever posted anywhere, be it written or drawn, already taken without your consent.

it makes me feel ill.

right now, im questioning my will to be an artist.

to live.

#ganondoodles talks #personal #mostly copied over from my twitter #i know i know you cant give up fighting blah blah #i am so tired #i am so tired of trying to force myself to keep up hope for a better world while everything progessively gets worse and worse #i have wasted my life honing a skill that i am unable to share the results of #bc of greedy ghouls wanting to destroy the world just to have more currency that ultimately is nothing but a made up lie #it is late- i am tired- not feeling well- it all may heighten the feelings of hopelessnes #but given the state of the world #i dont know how much all that really has influence on my mood #how much deeper is there to sink? there has to be a bottom and i think we have reached it

[needylittlegirl]

being a little lover girl is awful because why do i remember every single thing about people. you can say something so small teeny tiny offhand and i’ll remember it. but i dont think anybody does the same for me?? i dont think people are ever as devoted to me as i am to them

#sometimes i wish i could stop loving people so hard #im not even talking romantically #i just mean in any sense #theres nothing nothing worse than knowing everything about someone and wanting to be such close friends with them #but they just think of you as like. an acquaintance i guess? #nothing happened its just like period emotions or something #well actually thats a lie talking to someone lately has been killing me cause i know they dont care as much as i do #so its a little internal battle lately of do i cut them off so it doesnt eat me alive or do i keep being their friend cause really #theres no good reason to cut them off its just that i feel too much and dont know how to be normal about it !! #whatever #tbd #yeah whatever its just hormones ill get over it #but for now i have to cry my lil eyes out <3 #im just tired of having More feelings all the time #im such a giver why do i only attract takers!!

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

idk im glad they didn't give us any actual details about caleb and evelyn beyond belos's memories and like. fifty-sixth-hand information from masha's story so audience members not paying attention would at least know who they are.

whatever nitty gritty details the audience comes up with on their own for what happened to these two would be infinitely more satisfying to them than what the show would have been able to depict in a flashback. especially working within what's appropriate for children's television.

caleb the person isn't important to the story anymore. the MEMORY of caleb, which belos has never let himself get over in 400 years, is the important thing. and you don't need to know much about caleb for that to work. and while i loved the parallels between the wittebanes and hunter and luz, as well as the clawthornes being a descendent of evelyn, i'm glad they never confirmed it, and it remains situational irony purely for the audience.

hunter's only connection with caleb is his DNA, which also ties back to belos's feelings. him befriending luz is something they did of their own volition. it's not because hunter is fated to play out every beat of caleb's life by virtue of being his clone. similarly, while i love a good hunter clawthorne, dell taking hunter as an apprentice and eda showing care towards him in s2 are because eda is kind to children and hunter independently had passion for palisman carving. it's not because they found out they were related, because the whole show is about found family.

having flashbacks to the real caleb and evelyn wouldn't have contributed anything to the story aside from fanservice. what matters is how belos feels about them. belos's ego and the desperation to be acknowledged by his puritan community and God aside, the idea of caleb haunts his every action. not the actual ghost of caleb-i've already discussed here why the idea of caleb's ghost literally haunting belos would be a poor writing decision. belos knew the person his brother actually was, killed him, and imagined a perfect version of him that he chased after for the next 350 years.

the tragedy is that the perfect version of caleb is unattainable, and now belos can never get the real caleb back. he refuses to acknowledge that caleb may have been flawed before the influence of evelyn. to phillip, everything he thinks is wrong about caleb is because he was corrupted by the boiling isles, and that's part of the reason he starts on a quest to kill all the witches. it's also why he makes so many grimwalkers. he desperately misses that ideal version of caleb, so he makes copies of caleb and plays family with them.

and belos loathes the grimwalkers. he kills them because he hates the magic they were made with. because he hates being reminded of his brother and what happened to him. and of course, he hates the grimwalkers for not meeting his expectations of what his "ideal" caleb would have been like. it's a fluid expectation that belos, subconsciously or not, changes as he goes, all in order to take out his anger on innocent children. he seems to recognize his enjoyment of harming the grimwalkers, though it's unknown if he understands the reason-which is that the "perfect" caleb will never exist, and likely never did. phillip's brother is gone forever, and it's all his fault.

and idk maybe in the writers minds caleb was a perfect brother and baby phillip was just a possessive little shit. or maybe it's the opposite and caleb messed up a lot in communicating with phillip on his relationship with evelyn. maybe evelyn was a perfectly nice girl who was perfectly supportive of caleb and phillip's choices or maybe she hated phillip and the other humans and did convince caleb to leave it all behind. it's a fascinating piece of backstory and i love seeing fanworks that talk about it! but anything more about caleb and evelyn that the creators add in canon would give actual context to their situation that we don't need! their story has been over for 350 years and dont affect any of the other characters beyond how it affects phillip!

nothing more about these two can be said that will contribute more to belos's character that isn't already conveyed with the barebones material we got in the show. this story isn't about "forbidden love," this is about how phillip was confronted with the fact that his brother found happiness outside of him, and that someone he's been taught since childhood to hate may not be all bad. it's about how he plugged his fingers in his ears in response to this and went on a 350 year long killing spree to prove to himself that he can never be in the wrong.

basically, i wouldn't go so far as to call caleb and evelyn's backstory "purposefully unexplained," but i definitely think the story is a lot stronger as it is than it would be if they did explain it all. not every detail of a story needs to have a word of god answer as to how it all went down. sometimes adding in unnecessary detail for completionism's sake just distracts from the point you're actually trying to convey. while there are a lot of things that i wished the show could have explored in more detail had it not been shortened, caleb and evelyn's story is not one of them.

#shut up pandora #the owl house #toh #emperor belos #phillip wittebane #caleb wittebane #evelyn clawthorne #shut up pandora indeed lmao this post is way too long #the second to last sentence? #'sometimes adding in unnecessary detail for completionism's sake just distracts from the point youre actually trying to convey?' #thats me writing this post babey! #anyway yeah the whole forbidden love schtick that caleb and evelyn had has been done so much #that the show basically expects you to get the gist via background hollow mind pics and spooky halloween stories #this isnt to say the romance was necessarily dull or bad what i mean is we dont need any more info to know how it turned out #and maybe this is just the way i write stories but if the info isnt necessary for plot or characterization of relevant characters #then including it would just be indulgence #which is great for fanworks but will make an independent story bloated if youre not careful #but anyway this could also be the danganronpa enjoyer in me but i dont think you should go out of your way to explain everything #sometimes canon logical explanations for things that only matter on an emotional and thematic level... are worse

[the-casbah-way]

i think every university student who has a job and studies at the same time deserves everything they want forever actually

#yeah this is about me #i dont think people realise how fucking hard it is to do both and not go insane #ITS HARD ENOUGH TO DO ONE AND NOT GO INSANE #i wish uni would cut some slack to students who have to work and be more understanding w deadlines and stuff #especially bc jobs act like said job is your entire life and expect you to drop everything when an extra shift comes up #work drains me so fucking much that i just have no physical or mental energy left even back when my shifts were only four hours #how do you expect me to go to a shift then go to classes right after and then spend the evening doing mandatory reading #i rlly wanna know how other people manage it. i really dont think there *is* a way to manage it when you are neurodivergent and Sick #do not get me wrong im grateful to have a job and be able to work i just wish i didnt need to so i could focus on uni #i feel like im going to end up with a worse degree class than im actually capable of because i just cant spend the time on uni that i want

[little-candy-store-of-horrors]

Vent piece idk

Ok to reblog but ignore the fucking tags hhh

#Charles ii of spain #Charles ii #Carlos ii #17th century #You know I havent really spoken about the grief of losing your mobility but it is so much more than that #It's also the loss of your freedom physically and socially #And it eats you alive the longer it draws out. I mourn everything i cant do and everything i could. #It's also a financial nightmare having to go to the hospital and being unable to take public transport #AND losing your job #I know it's not a lot compared to what a lot of people have gone through but #The strain has literally killed me i cry like two to three times a week now #And i just dont know when its going to get better or what worse is in store #Or how much ive fallen behind even when it does physically get better #Also there's the autism thing about freaking out if ur body doesn't remain the same so fun fun #So anyway ive thought about committing a LOT since june!! Hahahhahahahah

[bmpmp3]

the epic highs and lows of trying to read an ongoing shounen manga

#for me it uh. tends to have more epic lows than epic highs. im very unlucky with shounen #occasionally a few years after something i start reading it'll turn out to be good #but any time i follow something from the beginning it starts getting. worse #is it me? am i doing this? dont tell me to read your favourite shounen i'll turn it bad #did i ever mention that one manga. the moon is beautiful but first die #a mouthful of a title. it started kinda goofy but i really adored the main character for some reason #im still a bit attached to him. he cleans so well that he got the magic power to see real good. and now he can matrix bullet time #hes just like me for reeeeeeeaaaal hflkanjvdkfljfds but yeah that manga was. weird but fun BUT THEN #it got so wack you guys you dont understand. the first like one or two volumes? fun #everything else? god knows JHKFDJFDK i still read it all tho. i was invested in my guy with seeing real good powers #and im sorry to say. unfortunately it seems. a certain manga with a big tv adaptation that is pronounced oh she no co #my curse. its started. although that ones very much a epic high and epic low situation like itll be so so wack one minute #and suddenly get good again and then plummet back down HFKJDSBHJds we will see how it goes on #i started getting annoyed with the writing after the stageplay arc because they kept like. time skipping over so much #which i thought was a bit of a waste because there was a lot of interesting potential in a lot of the showbiz storylines. but we shall see #thats not shounen tho thats seinen but my curse applies to some seinen too LOL but most seinen i read is already finished #and shoujosei is spared from my curse. i think just because most i have the opportunity to read in english just tends to not #be drawn out or have weird scheduling things messing with the pacing. are there any weekly shoujosei magazines out there #i dont think weekly manga is good. for a lot of reasons mostly the mangakas health but also i find more weekly stuff i read #that isnt like. 4koma stuff suffers in its pacing a LOT. but again that might be my curse. the second i lay my eyes on it. the curse #(sorry ive been catching up on a lot of manga recently LOL ur getting my manga thoughts now)

[cantdanceflynn]

IK I HAVENT DRAWN IN FOREVER BTW IM WORKING ON CATCHING UP

#ITS JUST. BEEN SHIT TO GET MOTIVATED LATELY #ESPECIALLY WHEN IK NONE OF U CARE #LIKE WHY AM I BOTHERING POSTING THIS??? NO ONE GIVES A SHIT??? NO ONE LOOKS AT MY ART FOR MORE THAN A SECOND NO ONE CARES #WHEN THEY DO CARE ITS ONLY BC ITS A GIFT FOR THEM OR I SENT IT TO EM N THEY DONT WANNA BE RUDE #LIKE WHY FUCKIN BOTHER LATELY YA KNOW. LIFE IS JUST GETTING WORSE AND ANYTHING I COULD DO WITH THESE SKILLS I LOVE SO MUCH IS GOING #WELL UP IN FLAMES IF YOU DONT MIND THE WORDPLAY #N IK IT EATS YOU ALIVE TO CARE ABOUT WHO SEES YOUR WORK. IK ITS BAD N I SHOULDN'T DO IT. #BUT IF NOT EVEN ANY IF MY FRIENDS(BARRING MY BF XOXO LOVE U PYXE BUT LIKE I DO SEND U EVERYTHING STILL LOL) CAN EVEN BOTHER #JJST. EVEN LOOKING AT MY STUFF #WHATS THE POINT?? #THE ONLY ART OF MINE THATS GOTTEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF ATTENTION LATELY HAS BEEN THE ISAT AU N THATS BC THATS A COMMUNITY STARVING FOR STUF #LIKE HOW MANY NOTES MY WANDERSONG STUFF GOT DESPITE BEING SO BAD #BUT IVE IMPROVED SO MUCH AND POURED SM INTO A COMMUNITY THAT DOESNT FUCKING GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME????? #WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??!?!!?! SOMEONE TELL ME ID DO ANYTHING JUST TO KNOW WHY I CANT GET ANYONE EVEN THE PERSON WHO LOVES ME THE MOST #TO GIVE A SHIT JSUT ONCE #ill prolly delete this later. Im sry.

[pissfizz]

I’m going to lose my mind oh my god I am so scared for this quincenera wtf

#NOT MINE BTW I MISSED MY CHANCE LMAO #but Jesus Christ family I’ve never met before flying in from Panama…. god I’m so scared #I’ve already been dealing with some wack ass imposter syndrome ass shit cuz of how I was raised this is gonna make it SO MUCH worse #I DIDNT EVEN KNOW PANAMANIANS GOT QUINCES #i was raised with almost zero influence from any culture whatsoever I wasn’t even raised close to that side of the family #and like I’m mixed with white but I can’t even use that as an excuse cuz the cousin who’s quince it is is also mixed #and that side of the family is super tied to the culture and they speak Spanish and shit #i don’t even speak Spanish even if the family from Panama doesn’t think ima. total embarrassment what if most of them don’t speak english #when I’m surrounded by white people 24/7 I feel like a total outlier but the second I’m around anyone else latine I feel like that but WORSE #i don’t speak Spanish I don’t know anything about the culture I’m from the fucking pacific northwest and do digital art and watch anime #i am so far completely removed from everything I’m gonna be sick #my grandma is already so judgy about stuff my uncle was even WORSE and made fun of the stuff that was too white or too American about me #my cousins throwing the party are the least of my worries cuz at least their mixed and second/third Gen too #but oh my god the family I’ve never met before I’m so scared I’m so scared #i was already thinking like. can I even call myself latine bc of how I was raised and how far removed I am from everything. I’m mixed so - #-should I just associate myself more with the white side of my family. am I being fraudulent by identifying with that term just bc I have - #-the blood is that even enough maybe that kid had a point when he said I shouldn’t count as hispanic if I don’t know spanish #and thinking about showing up to my cousins quince as. me. it’s terrifying it’s awful I want to go I want to meet these people I want to - #-celebrate my cousin and be happy for her but GOD what if everyone hates us and just tolerates us cuz we’re related to them #i would say we’re the black sheep of the family but I feel like white is more fitting cuz I feel like we’re just slightly brown white people #god god god I’m so stresssd out by this #is this a weird thing to be worried about is this stupid is this selfish #and to make matters worse I DONT KNOW WHAT TO GET HER FOR A GIRT #vent

[scarletcomet]

guess whose therapist thinks she could benefit from inpatient treatment

#got really depressed and a bit suicidal during my session today #im not actively suicidal rn but i feel so hopeless and i just want to give up resulting in some suicidal thoughts #the thoughts of hurting myself are getting louder and more overwhelming #so im not at a point rn where i think i need inpatient but im worried about getting worse #im going to nyc this weekend and seeing 2 shows and some of my favorite broadway actors but i do not feel excited #i want to feel excited but i just dont. i should be excited. if this doesn't make me feel something #then i doubt anything will. #reminds me of late may/early june when i wasnt excited for my birthday or the taylor swift concert because i did not want to live anymore #im worried that this is a warning sign. i feel like ive made so much progress with treatment in the last 10 months #but i feel like i haven't made enough progress and i feel like ive hit a wall and there's no improvement to be made #because I've tried like everything. i feel so hopeless. ive been in treatment for almost a year. #even inpatient i doubt would help me. like ive been there and done that. i spent nearly 20 days in inpatient last summer #only benefit would be seeing my doctor sooner but that's assuming i could even get a bed in the 11 person unit she works inpatient at #what benefit would seeing my doctor even do? we've tried almost everything and im on the max dose of most my meds #idk what to do #i feel like im running out of options. the only depression treatments i havent tried are ketamine and ect #i guess my options are ketamine ect suicide or continuing feeling how i feel now but i dont know how much longer i can live like this

[ganondoodle]

seems like literally everything is trying to stress me out right now

just found out that OBS profiles dont save your scenes, like i thought, so i have accidentally deleted all my setup for art streams. cool.

#ganondoodles talks #its all little stuff #but its all too much at once #family being naggy bc im exhausted #no plan working out #im still undecided if i should stream totk or not #but my setup didnt work for it last time so how the fuck should i test it now #work is stressful and exhausting #now this #i know i can set it all up again #but its still #all gone bc i was stupid #again #still trying to talk myself into not trying to stream totk for good #bc i KNOW im not made for it #and yet still there are doubts #my brain is endlessly spinning in circles progressively fucking stuff up and getting more stressed out #i have cried at least once every day for the last 4 days or so #its so pathetic but my brain just #malfunctions when i dont know what to do and resorts to crying which makes everything worse

[tortademaracuya]

.

#a friend asked me how my depression was treating me lately and i want to cry remembering it now #im surrounded by a lot of caring and understanding people. people that know what i feel even #and yet i only continue to get worse #'cant complain' and its true i did feel more neutral that day. so why did it suddenly got worse again?! #i have been getting better sleep but. now im starting to get tired mentally #everything is too much. i feel so bad for not asking for help but what are others supposed to do? #its so out of nowhere and unstable i could be okay tomorrow. i dont want to ask for help too much #i just want to die #i will try to keep focusing hard on work and practice. but everyday that desperation to not lose to wanting to rot in bed is getting weaker #haunted.txt

[silenthillbunni]

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#ngl i am feeling veeeeery depressed rn #idk what to do.. i dont get *any* help at all w my mental health nd it just keeps getting worse #rn i feel like there is absolutely no hope at all. no hope for a better life. no hope for me to ever get better #no hope that i'll be ok. that the surgery will go ok. no hope that i'll ever get to move away from here #i feel so fkn stuck and i just dont have any energy or motivation to do anything at all #im so fkn anxious abt my health issue nd the surgery nd recovery #on top of that im so fkn stressed bc when smth like this happens i go completely non functional #so i dont know how to do my schoolwork now. i cant go to class bc i cant focus bc of the pain nd stuff #but if i dont do school what will happen w my wellfare?? #idk idk idk what to do there are just too many things #and there is absolutely NO FKN HELP AT ALL in this wretched society #no help. my mom does as much as she can but she's also sick nd deals w years long burnout #im at a point where i dont feel like i know how to keep going. i just wanna lie down nd give up #but then i might become homeless nd that'll be so fkn much worse so i have to do smth #i need to try to talk to school nd my wellfare worker but i dont expect help #they'll just tell me to suck up the pain nd do everything anyway so idk i dont even feel like trying #im feeling more depressed than ever and it doesnt matter if i ask for help bc there is none for me #i want to get out of this nd make a life for myself but idk how #and i see NO light at the end of the tunnel at all. no light whatsoever. everything feels fkn pitch black #everythings just bad nd it is contaminating my mind completely nd idk how to stop it #i cant even cry i just feel so empty yet overwhelmed i want it all to just stop i cant keep up cant do it anymore idk how #but ending it all takes too much effort. there rlly should be just a pill u get prescribed. it is inhumane to force ppl to go thru more suff #also i wont do that to my mom so like im stuck here either way. i dont want to feel like this i want to feel ok i want to feel hopeful #and bright nd like maybe there is a chance nd way for me i dont wanna feel.. utter despair

[snekdood]

Quite honestly, i think people just dont like to acknowledge how many times i have been victimized bc it doesnt work for their narrative of the Scary Bad Trans Guy With No Regard For Others And Likes To Kick Puppies And Doesnt Know Real Pain Or Trauma

#bc otherwise yall would have to feel bad about putting me through way more additional unnecessary trauma on here #and i swear its yall who believe everything my abuser says about me. you need to tell yourself its true that i did the shit they accuse me #of and theyre just this pure uwu innocent pewson who doews no wongg umu #yall dont wanna except ive been through hell bc then you gotta accept youve put me through additional unnecessary hell that only warped my #perception worse of a community i thought i was fuckin part of and accepted in but apparently tf not #like you only have yourselves to blame for that shit. for why i hate online queer spaces now. #man it would just suck so so hard for your narrative if i was actually abused as much as i say and my abusive x was actually lying about me #bc otherwise how will you pretend trans men never ever experience any issues ever? #like i dont need to look. ik im one of the main blogs yall like to target and put on blast for transandrophobia stuff bc im super fuckin #outspoken about my shit (nevermind that yall never directly confront me). i already know thats how it is bc theres ppl on here who have a #apparently deep interest in constantly hating me and trying to find reasons im wrong. so when i say something is bad they habe to act like #its good actually somehow. and ik it all roots back to my abuser. there is literally no other reason i can think of that would mame ppl #that invested in hating me unless they believe everything my ex says. so undoubtedly theres ppl in my exs spaces who believe #transandrophobia is fake men arent oppressed ever etc etc. i digress. but ik its yall who've propped this whole shit up #ik its yall who put me on blast for this first and triwled to spread it that i was one of the Big Bad Names in the transandrophobia spaces #so ik yall use me as an example. ik you tell people i lie about everything. ik you tell people i exaggerate. ik you tell people im crazy #ik you tell ppl they cant trust me or rely on me and spread all the bs my ex says about me and even spreads their abuse toward me further #by even doing that shit. yall NEED to keep believing that im the Big Bad Trans Guy that you think i am bc otherwise your whole worldview #falls tf apart. everything you've been standing on online about how trans mascs who believe in transandrophobia are bad would fall apart. #if i am really as fuckin abused and victimized as i say. suddenly you dont get to use me as the example for Bad Transandrophobia Believer #and I KNOW thats the only reason yall choose not to listen or believe us. its LITERALLY just because you're choosing a side in a personal #relationship situation. ik it has nothing to do with politics for plenty of you. you're taking a side and shitting out reasons for why you #did after the fact. #if you really care about politics n shit you should listen to ALL THE OTHER TRANS MEN TALKING ABOUT THIS #besides using one person as your example for why you shouldnt believe people who believe this is a thing. #i mean. even aside the fucking fact that its all bs. if yall dont wanna believe me. whatever. you can get traumatized by them if you want #idefc at this point. if you actually care about politics as much as you say you gotta engage w people in good faith and uh maybe try n #listen to the SWATHES of other trans guys who also talk about this shit and thinks its real.