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nonsensicalobsessions · 4 years

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A Ruff Day

Author’s Note:

@catsladen wrote: Congrats my dear on your followers! That is amazing and so well deserved! Here’s a conversation prompt I found that I think you can do magic with: Person A: Why are you doing that? Person B: Doing what? Person A:Treating me like a person I picture either Tom or Loki, but I leave that up to you 😊 No smut necessary. Some fluff/angst mixture would be nice (Fangst? Anuff?) Thank you lovely!

After I wrote about having my lovely followers, Life came around and bit me, in the ass, hard. I was left with a large set of dentition marks and a massive infection known as “depression” in its wake. I say this because I know I’ve pretty much fallen off the face of Tumblr, and I am still clawing my way back. I do not have it nearly as bad as some, but I have it bad enough, and I will leave it at that.

When the events that I write about next happened in real life, I could not stop thinking about them, having worked in a veterinary hospital for three memorable years, and I ran the events through my head, over and over. I could see the events as they could have played out...might have played out...most probably played out in some aspects...and then this plot took root, and would not let go.

So, I apologize, @catsladen, for this is not the most original piece that I have ever come up with...in fact, it is derivative, and some may see it as a cheap rip off on a very real event. Still, it will not let me go, and as such, here it is. I present to you, A Ruff Day.

Working on federal holiday weekends in an emergency vet hospital always either dragged, or were so busy I could neither eat nor pee. Today seemed to be the former, and I was grateful for it. The techs were scattered around doing their busy work, while I closed myself in my office, tossing an oversized tennis ball in the air and catching it as I balanced on the back legs of a chair. I’ve done all my charting, there are no patients for me to check on. The last one through the door was a bulldog that came too close to a honeybee, and his already bulbous face swelled grotesquely. A shot of antihistamine, a script of Benadryl, then he and owner went off, right as rain. The airway was never compromised, all’s well that ends well...except for the bee, of course.

Kellie Ashe, one of the techs, came racing into the office without knocking, breathless. “You will no ever guess what is going on at intake!”

I jumped up, grabbing my stethoscope and mask (Thank you COVID) as I glared at her, “What is it and where is your mask?” The laws were quite clear, and stringent on this, and she had no mask on...and what was that twit doing? Brushing her hair and putting on eye makeup, what...? “Kellie! Focus! What is happening? Is it a hit and run, a delivery presenting badly...dog or cat...” I swear this girl has the brain of a flea...

“Tom Hiddleston is here with his dog!”

I look at her blankly. Nothing registered with me except one word—dog. “Kellie, what is wrong with the animal?” I asked, rushing to turn on the lights in the OR, making sure the X-ray machines were on and warmed up, the ultrasound is also on, and proceeding to the exam rooms, turning the lights on in one.

“It’s my turn to be the assisting tech so I ran back here to make sure you knew, it’s my turn not Claire’s, so I get to be the one in the room with you and Tom...”

I stop and freeze her with a glare. “Kellie, I don’t know what in the hell you’re blabbering about, but so far you have given me no information that has been useful to me. Therefore, there is no reason for you to be anywhere around me, the patient, or the owner. You can wait in the back.”

“What? But no...! I’m the one that ran back to tell you, I’m the one that should get to be in the....”

“If you were concerned with the animal you’d be there right now, but no, you were more interested in putting on mascara for chrissakes...get in the treatment room, I don’t even want to see you right now!”

I came to the front area to see a tall man, obviously the owner, who was obviously in a great deal of distress. “I don’t know how many he had..maybe one? It could have been two? And I don’t know if he chewed them, or swallowed them whole...” His voice was muffled by the mask we kept on hand to give to owners as they came in without masks, as they usually did, upset and stressed. Bright flowers covered the lower half of his face, but as I looked at his bright blue eyes, I finally understood what got Kellie in such a tizzy, and why there was an element of suppressed excitement that our usual emergency walk ins did not produce.

Next to him was a calmer woman, who was filling out some of the paperwork, and occasionally passing it to him to sign or for more information. “Tom, I really think it was only the one, and this is a bit over the top. One raisin isn’t worth all this...”

“A raisin, did you say?” My attention was now completely trained on the sad eyed chocolate spaniel at the feet of Claire Peyton, one of the calmest and best techs we had. She had already gotten a temperature and a weight from the little fellow, and was gently guiding the dog and owner into an exam room, while Liz, the receptionist, was explaining to the woman with the clipboard she could not follow us in because of the current COVID restrictions we were under. Only the owner was allowed in the exam room, because of the laws about remaining so many feet apart...and the worst part was, we couldn’t even allow her to wait in the interior waiting room, but she was welcome to stay on the screened porch we were using at the moment. She wasn’t thrilled, but she was accepting.

I quietly introduced myself. “Hi, I’m Dr. Diana Harris, and I’ll be helping...” “Bobby,” the man said quietly. “This is my...Bobby.”

“Okay Bobby, come here and let me look at you, you scoundrel...stealing raisins, are we? When did this happen, Dad?”

“Tom,” he said, distracted. “About ten minutes ago...maybe twenty. I saw that he was snuffling around the plate, and all the biscuits were gone...so were the little cheese squares...and there had been five raisins before, I am sure of it, and when I picked everything up, I only saw four...”

“Very precise,” I noted mildly as I listened to Bobby’s heart and lungs, which were both within normal limits, and made a hand motion for Claire to make a note of it.

“What’s that, that hand signal, what did that mean?” Oh, wow. Tom is very, very upset.

“It’s a signal I’ve developed with my techs to let them know that the patient’s heart and lungs are fine without having to take the time to say it, Tom,” I reply, keeping my life low and mild. The owner’s agitation is passing along to the little spaniel, who is looking around and panting.

“He keeps doing that, he’s panting and looking upset, is he in pain?”

“Claire, liquid charcoal according to weight please,” I murmur, and she promptly replied, “On it,” and she excused herself to open the door...only to find Kellie standing there, clearly eavesdropping. The look I gave Kellie had her scampering...but oh, it will not be far enough. Luckily, Tom did not notice.

“Okay, Tom, here’s how it stands.” I leaned against the exam table, Bobby quivering in Tom’s arms. “You did exactly the right thing bringing Bobby here, and so quickly. Raisins are extremely toxic to dogs, and the fact you got him here so fast really speaks to how much you care about this little guy...so give yourself some credit...”

“I told her...I told her I didn’t want them around where he could get to them...the Bobster is a bit of a food thief,” he muttered.

“Ok, so you’re telling me he’s a dog,” I drily replied. “Anyway, we’re going to take care of this issue right now. I’m going to take Bobby to the back and...”

“Oh no, can’t I go with him?”

Somehow, I saw this being his response. “Tom, we are going to give him some liquid charcoal. It looks like black sludge and it tastes like garbage. He isn’t going to want to take it so we are going to administer it in a way that he will have no choice but to swallow it, but there will most likely be some spluttering. This stuff is a bear and a half to get out of clothes so you do not want to be within spitting radius...and then this little charmkins, after he gives us a horrible stink eye, is going to proceed to vomit, probably in the messiest manner possible, just for spite and revenge, and I don’t blame him one bit. Again, you do not want to be in range! Then depending on what he gives me back, we can go from there. So no, I think it best you stay here...you can wait with your girlfriend, if you want, and I will be right back when I have something to tell you. I promise we aren’t going to hurt him, but we have to get this out, right away.”

“Right, right...don’t waste time talking to me...I’ll just...sit here, if that’s okay.”

“As you wish, Tom.”

I took the leash from his hand gently. His hands were so cold, I felt pity for him. “I’ll take good care of him, I promise,” I said, and left him standing there, bereft.

Bobby walked with me well enough, and I took him to the treatment area to find Claire had already drawn up the appropriate amount. She quickly got the dog in the appropriate position, and I propped his mouth open carefully and quickly administer the liquid yuck and then closed my hand over his muzzle, blowing softly to stimulate the swallowing reflex. His eyes bulged at the foul concoction, and I tenderly explained,”Ah, such are the wages of sin, my dear thief...and it tastes like ass. Down the hatch...” He swallowed, and I gave Claire the unspoken head nod to release him and step back, which she did...as did I...and Bobby, outraged at this poor treatment, proceeded to sputter and spit like a world champion. Black froth went everywhere, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his outraged expression. “Yes Bobby, that’s right. But I’m sorry, it’s going to get much worse before it gets better...”

After a few minutes, he aggrieved expression turned into the anxious canine smile that presaged a good vomiting session, which was exactly what we wanted. I let him pace about in a small area, until finally he let nature take its course and released the contents of his stomach. Ah, joy, what every veterinarian struggled and sweat blood for, the contents of a dog’s stomach...or a cat, we’re not picky...and hey, I’ll take that over shit, any day...

“Good boy, there’s a good boy,” I soothed him as he retched. He was as miserable as you’d expect, and I kept smoothing my hand over his heaving flanks. I didn’t care about my shoes, they were already black, and just for this reason. Soon I saw a lone offender, and I called for a pair of tweezers to pluck it from the mess and place it on a paper towel. Claire was also consoling the sad little fellow, who was, I hope, reconsidering his evil ways, as I then took a tongue depressor and poked through everything he so woefully bestowed upon us. Yep, cheese...chewed up crackers...mmm, that sausage looked like it was probably expensive...but no other raisins. Just the one. Plus, it hadn’t been chewed, either, excellent! Best of all, it was caught up in all this other stuff. Perfect. Couldn’t ask for better, really.

“Kellie!” I called out. When she didn’t appear right away, my heart sank and my anxiety rose. She wasn’t...she didn’t...

“Hold the leash,” I barked and walked swiftly back to the exam room, and sure enough, I heard her syrupy tones inside...I saw red.

I opened the door carefully, to find her talking to Tom who was standing in almost a corner while she was yapping away. I must have had a look on my face like an avenging goddess, because she immediately began stammering, “I just thought...I could stay and keep Tom company...while you were working with Bobby...”

“Stop thinking, Kellie, it only gets you into more trouble, and it probably strains the gerbils,” I replied softly. “I have a job for you. In the back treatment area. Where I told you to be. Go there. Now.”

She turned towards Tom and said, “So, um...”

“NOW.”

She jumped and scuttled away like a crab facing a boiling pot. Oh, sister...

Tom was blushing and looking at his feet. “It happens all the time. Please don’t be too angry with her...how is Bobby?”

“Bobby is doing excellently and is a trooper. I will be back with you in just a moment. Just...give me a second.”

I flew to the back to find Kellie cowering in a corner. I took a deep breath, and spoke very, very quietly. “You are on such thin ice with me that if you so much as open your mouth, the displaced oxygen pressure will crack the ice and you. Will. Drown. Now. You are going to clean up all of this lovely mess to a surgical grade sterility. I will want to perform open heart surgery on this floor when you are finished. Are we quite clear? Nod if you understand me, Kellie, because you are on such. Thin. Ice.”

Kellie looked around here with dismay. It really was a disgusting mess, and she knew I was going to get down on my hands and knees and inspect the wretched baseboards before all was said and done. I was that pissed.

Claire asked quietly as we walked away, “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t think he absorbed anything. Tom acted too fast, the raisin wasn’t in any way chewed or showing signs of digestion, and it was mixed up with everything else. But pull blood for a CBC-SMAC so we can have a baseline for his kidney values just in case. Better safe than sorry. And then clean up this sad little urchin. I hope you understand now, young man, that crime does not pay...” He looked positively desolate, with his muzzle coated in the foul substance he had to drink and then give back. Activated charcoal really is the worst.

“I’ll make him presentable again. Back in a few.”

I took a deep breath and went to apologize to Tom. Oh, this was going to be fun...

I found him pacing the tiny room, looking at the posters instructing about heartworm prevention and feline leukemia vaccines. “Tom, I really must apologize...”

“No, you don’t. She’s young. It happens all the time,” he tried to brush it off.

“Not when I’m in this hospital, it doesn’t. I’d already given her explicit instructions because she was star-struck, and I will not have it. When someone comes in our door, I don’t care who is on the end of the leash, or holding the carrier. It is irrelevant. What matters is the animal. I give the same treatment and quality of care to the cat from the post office as...well...”

“The dog of some poncy actor,” he concluded wryly.

“Hey, I kinda like some of that poncy actor’s work, so less of that,” I griped, as I blushed and rubbed my forehead, mainly to hide my embarrassment. “Bobby came through wonderfully, and you were right, it was only one raisin...and some crackers, cheese, and what looked like some tasty cold cuts as well. What is great is the raisin wasn’t bitten into or showing any signs of digestion, and as it was caught up in his other ill gotten gains, I think it is safe to say he really got lucky...that, and the fact you acted so quickly. Normally, we’d be talking about having to administer fluids, and have him stay at least overnight to make sure his kidneys were not showing any adverse effects...yes, it is that serious. Especially for a little fellow of Bobby’s size. But he should be fine. I want you to make sure he has access to lots of water. I am having a full blood panel pulled to get a baseline of his kidney values now but that is really just a precaution for when you bring him back to his regular veterinarian...”

“You can’t see him again? He hasn’t needed a vet since we’ve arrived, and I never anticipated having to stay as long as we have...but what if he gets sick, or needs his vaccines updated, can’t we come back here...?”

“Tom, this is an emergency vet hospital, I’m only here on the off hours. My clinic is...well, not here,” I floundered.

“May I have your card, then? I’d really like for you to keep overseeing him...continuity of care, you know,” he trailed off.

“Uh, sure...” I fished one out of my lab coat pocket and gave him one. He looked at it and said, “What should I be looking for, what if he starts getting ill again?”

“Tom, I really don’t think...”

“I can bring him back here, I suppose, I just want to know what symptoms...you said kidney damage...”

“Tom, kidney damage isn’t something you can readily observe...”

“But what if he starts getting that look again, and starts pacing, maybe he’s in pain and can’t tell me...”

“Tom.” He stopped rambling and I held my hand out for my card. Like a child, he held it to his chest. “No, please, I’ll stop...”

“Just give me the damn card, will ya?” I all but yanked it out of his hand, and wrote something on the back. “That is my private cell number. Do not call it, ever! I hate phone calls! Text me. I promise I will lose the cell number you send it from. If you have any questions you can send me video or photos or whatever. Text me...whenever. But keep in mind he picks up on your cues and if you are nervous, he gets nervous. If you are excited, he gets excited.”

He looked at it incredulously, and before he could protest, I waved it off. “Just don’t...I did the same thing for Mr. Puddles.”

“Mr. Puddles,” he repeated dumbly.

“The post office cat...urinary tract infection...anyway.”

Those bright blue eyes stopped staring at the floor impaled me, and said abruptly, “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Treating me like a person.”

I looked at him steadily and replied, “Because to me, that’s what you are...you’re Bobby’s person. And...well, I know you probably weren’t supposed to stay here this long. You most likely want to go home, be with your family, what is familiar, and god knows what you are living in, some hotel or something suitably sterile...Right now, we all want to hold onto our loved ones a little bit tighter, a little bit closer. I can tell that for you, that’s Bobby. You love him a lot, and take great care of him, even to taking him to an emergency vet on a holiday weekend when the weather is gorgeous and your girlfriend says maybe you could just stay home.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Huh?” Such was my elegant reply.

“No, she’s wonderful, and we’re very close, but it’s not...we’re not...”

I hold my hands up in the air. “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain anything to me...”

“No I just, erm...”

We spent time admiring the floor when Claire came back, with Bobby cleaned and even faintly smelling of grooming spray, as well as being freshly brushed.

“Bobby!” Tom cried out, and even though I could not see his smile, I could hear it in the real joy in his voice. Bobby wriggled his behind and danced as he all but leapt into his master’s...excuse me, person’s arms.

“Well, that should settle everything,” I smiled.

“Just a moment.”

I looked up at Tom, confused. He sounded almost stern.

“I think Bobby and I could use some photographs to commemorate the great care that he received here...for our scrapbook.”

“Scrapbook? Really, Tom?”

“Instagram,” he immediately amended.

The buzz that went through the building, I swear was palpable. Of course, I even allowed Kellie to get in the photo, because I am not that bad...and if her scrubs were stained with dog vomit, well, you couldn’t really see. Much. And of course we all had to keep our masks on, so I personally thought it was the dumbest idea I’d heard in a long time, but I wasn’t going to go against the idea. I might have found three of my tires slashed and my favorite coffee mug broken, if I had...and I really like that mug, plus tires are not cheap.

Everyone took their photos, hugged Bobby, gave Tom an elbow bump, and he, Bobby and Not-Girlfriend went on their way...then I went back to my office, made sure everything was documented, and went back to my oversized tennis ball.

I thought everything was over. I could not help was smiling, despite myself. Not too shabby of a way to spend a holiday weekend, making a movie star dog’s throw up...this is why I went through all those years of school, I laughed at myself as I sat down with my frozen pizza and lemonade. I even made a bag of popcorn.

Then, at about ten o’clock, my phone buzzed. I picked it up, expecting it to be my mother, who sometimes forgot about this thing called “time zones” since she moved to Arizona...

Instead, there was a photo of a happy, smiling man, without a mask, and his happy, smiling dog. A text read, “To my favorite doc: Thanks again for helping me. Telling dad all about how the wages of sin taste like ass.”

I winced. I had no idea he’d overheard that.

So I sent a photo back of me. Without my mask, or makeup, or getting a hairdo, because in front of me was the best makeup job ever—my Corgi, Cheeks.

The attached text said, “Stop licking it then...and she says you are very welcome. I don’t know what you did, bro...but check your balls.”

The phone buzzed yet again, this time without a photo, “Thanks a LOT. Now I’m really in trouble...! TH”

“Sorry. Cheeks is still sore over that one. It happened about two months ago and he is still telling the world what a horrible human I am. DH”

“Bobby wants to know...perhaps Cheeks would like to get acquainted and play sometime soon? The dog park close to your clinic looks promising.”

“Cheeks thinks that would be amazing. He is still very much a puppy and has a lot of energy to burn. He’d love a friend to tear around with instead of trying to wrap his leash around my ankles.”

“Maybe...we could have some coffee while they wear each other out?”

“That sounds like a fantastic plan.”

“Could we say...9:00 Wednesday morning?”

“Yes, I’d like that. I’ll be the half asleep one with the hyperactive pooch, I won’t have hours until one o’clock that afternoon.”

“I’ll be the tall one...wearing a mask that is not covered with flowers.”

I laughed out loud.

“I think we will find each other well enough.”

There was a brief pause, and then, “Yes, I think we have. Goodnight, Cheeks, and Diana.”

“Goodnight, Bobby and Tom...it’s been a ruff day.”

“...I can’t believe you said that.”

“XD woof.”

Tagging all my littermates: @catsladen, @villainousshakespeare, @winterisakiller, @vodka-and-some-sass, @yespolkadotkitty, @just-the-hiddles, @hopelessromanticspoonie, @theheartofpenelope, @sabine-leo, @wegingerangelica, @ciaodarknessmyheart, @wrathkitty, @rhemasky, @sourpatchkidsandacokecan, @redfoxwritesstuff, @the-insomniac-cat2, @alexakeyloveloki, @myoxisbroken, @toomanystoriessolittletime, @ladyfluff, @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi

#Tagging:#a ruff day #Nonsensical Writes #look Christine I did a thing #200 follower prompt #tom hiddleston x ofc

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moodykylo · 4 years

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Of Experiments and Exhaustion

Wowie! It’s been a hot minute hasn’t it, well I once again have another favorite character so you all get a fic!! This will also be cross posted to my ao3!! without further ado my first tangled the series fic!!

To say that Varian felt awful would be a hilarious understatement.

He had been feeling off for a few days but thought nothing of it, he always felt like something was wrong anyway, but now there was no denying that the ache in his stomach wasn’t just hunger, or that the heat radiating from his body and sending rivulets of sweat down his face, overexertion. He was undeniably sick.

But of course, Varian would ignore every last symptom until he couldn’t anymore, just like always. Only this time he was working as the royal engineer in the palace.

Varian was working on an invention for Corona, getting fed up with the tremors that would rack his thin frame, leaving him indisposed and dropping his tools. He groaned in annoyance and maybe, a little bit in pain.

Varian wiped the sweat off his face, shivering. He was freezing but still felt like his brain was cooking in his skull. He sighed in exhaustion, the sigh eventually turning into a coughing fit that scorched his lungs with an agonizing fire.

When the fit subsided, Varian’s vision blurred, the world a smudge of colors. He grabbed onto the lab table that he was working on, his legs weak and unsteady.

“You’re okay, you’ve got this.” Varian told himself for the umpteenth time that day. He repeated the mantra over and over again as if it would magically make all of his symptoms go away.

Once Varian’s vision cleared he let go of his desk and got back to work, or at least tried to, it was pretty hard to focus as his body shook with convulsions, and his stomach churned dangerously.

With a low moan, he wrapped his arms around his abdomen, willing his nausea to pass. When it didn’t, he sunk to the floor whimpering. “Come on Varian. Y-you’ve got this.” Varian said, pulling himself off the floor. He quickly sat in a chair near his desk, placing his burning and all too light head on his desk.

He sighed, comforted by the coolness on his skin. He was still shivering, teeth chattering, but his skin was on fire. He placed his head in the palms of his hands for a moment, nausea and dizziness gripping his entire being.

He stayed this way until he heard the door to the lab open. Upon hearing the creak of the door he quickly lifted his head up and grabbed something to make it look like he was working.

“Hey, Varian!” The voice belonged to princess Rapunzel, the living embodiment of sunshine. Varian heard the soft patter of her bare feet on the floor as she padded closer to his desk.

“Oh! Rapunzel! H-hey!” Varian stuttered out, cringing at the way his hoarse voice cracked. He did not look at Rapunzel in fear of her noticing something was wrong.

“How’s the invention coming along?” Rapunzel asked, looking over Varian’s shoulder at the slew of messy notes and scattered tools.

“It’s um… g-great!” Varian said through gritted teeth. He resisted the urge to whine as he felt coursing white pain bounce around in his head.

Rapunzel smiled widely. “That’s wonderful!” Rapunzel placed her hand on Varian’s shoulder. At the sudden touch, Varian jumped and Rapunzel giggled quietly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!” Rapunzel said sweetly. Varian only shrugged feeling his throat tighten with the threat of a coughing fit. Rapunzel noticed him tense. “You okay?” She asked, concerned. Varian nodded at this, still afraid to speak.

Rapunzel felt like something was off with the young alchemist but she wasn’t sure what, she was sure about one thing though; Varian needed a break.

“Hey, you’ve been down here awhile… why don’t you join me for a walk?” Rapunzel suggested, beaming. Varian knew he wouldn’t be able to handle a walk so he quickly thought up an excuse.

“Oh, I uh- I have a lot of work to d-do so I can’t!” Varian stammered. He felt a tickle at the back of his throat and deep in his lungs. He held his breath to avoid a fit of hacking.

Rapunzel pouted. “Please? Just indulge me?” She pleaded, eyes wide. She wanted Varian out of the lab. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d even seen Varian out and about, which was concerning, to say the least.

Varian couldn’t say no to Rapunzel, even though he really wanted to. He huffed and then nodded. Rapunzel squealed excitedly and grabbed Varian’s gloved hand, pulling him up.

Varian stumbled, head reeling from the motion. He discreetly grabbed his chair until the world was steady. Rapunzel thankfully didn’t notice, too busy chatting about something,

He released his tight grip on the chair and followed Rapunzel out of his lab, wheezing from the exertion of having to walk up the steps. He desperately tried not to cough but failed and a few painful and congested sounding coughs escaped.

Rapunzel stopped dead in her tracks upon hearing the young alchemists choking. “Are you alright?” She turned around and rushed over to Varian’s side as he caught his breath.

“M-me? Oh! Yeah! I’m fine, just uh dust from my lab!” Varian knew his excuse was terrible but it was the best he could think of with his hazy mind. He made sure to avoid direct eye contact with Rapunzel.

Rapunzel seemed skeptical at first but then nodded, turned back around and continued walking, babbling about something that just sounded like static in Varian’s head.

Rapunzel would glance back to Varian every so often as they walked, his lack of conversation was worrying her. Varian always rambled about new inventions when he had the opportunity, but after 2 minutes of silence, Rapunzel was beginning to get anxious.

“Varian?” Rapunzel's voice made Varian jump. His head was pounding and his vision was blurring. “Hm?” He looked up to her, shivering profusely.

“You sure you’re okay? You’re really quiet.” Rapunzel said concern evident in her tone. She slowed her gait to allow Varian to catch up.

“Mhm!” Varian couldn’t even see Rapunzel’s face anymore, his vision was getting darker by the minute. He was overwhelmed with heat but also freezing simultaneously. His head was pounding in time with his quickening heartbeat. Varian struggled not to groan as another wave of nausea pulsed through his stomach.

“If you’re sure..” Rapunzel replied, uncertainly, but continuing to walk.

Varian followed, his consciousness being clouded by ever-growing darkness and disorienting dizziness. He felt himself swaying with every step. The sweat pouring down his face sent shivers up and down his spine. His head felt like it was splitting open.

Varian stopped walking, panting heavily. “I uh, Rapunzel?” Varian stuttered out, his words shaky. “I don’t… I think I-“ Varian’s vision was fading quickly.

Rapunzel turned just in time to see Varian pitch forward, his face deprived of all color, except the scarlet flush on his cheeks.

She quickly reached out, catching Varian before he could hit the ground. It was only now she realized how utterly ill he looked.

She placed the back of her hand on his forehead, frowning worriedly at the heat that quickly warmed it. She then palmed his cheek, wincing when she felt the same heat that had radiated off his forehead, on her hand again.

“Oh Varian..” she cooed quietly, going to get help in carrying Varian to the infirmary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“No, no! It isn’t my fault I d-didn’t, I didn’t… it’s not my fault!”

Rapunzel felt her chest tighten at Varian’s fevered mumblings, his voice sounded anguished, he was still hurting, he had told her that everything was fine, it obviously wasn’t.

Rapunzel was pulled out of her thoughts by Varian waking with a strangled sob, followed by a pained moan.

When Varian came to, he was immediately bombarded with pain and discomfort. His body felt heavy as lead, a stark contrast from the lightness of his head.

Despite the light feeling, he felt like someone was crushing his skull with a tight vice. He was dizzy and disoriented, he had no idea where he was.

Varian looked around, the white walls of the infirmary were too bright, he whimpered and shielded his eyes with his arms.

“Varian?” Rapunzel’s voice broke through the sound of his blood rushing in his ears.

“R-Rapunzel? W-what? Where am I? What happened?” Varian sat up with a wince, coughing harshly into his fist.

“The infirmary, you fainted, you’re burning up with fever. Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” Rapunzel’s eyes held sadness and concern, it made Varian’s stomach twist.

“I uh… I didn’t think it was a big deal. I’m fine! It’s nothing really…” Varian rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“Varian you passed out! It’s not nothing!” Rapunzel frowned. “You’re allowed to not feel well. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

Varian didn’t want to tell Rapunzel anything, he didn’t deserve her kindness. “I know but…” he was cut off by a violent coughing fit that left him wheezing and struggling to catch his breath.

Once Varian’s breathing was steady and he didn’t feel that he was at risk of fainting again, he spoke. “I… I didn’t want to bother you, I don’t deserve help after everything I did to you…” Varian looked away from the princess.

“Oh, Varian.” Rapunzel pulled Varian into a tight hug. Varian was puzzled, she wasn’t mad at him?

“Varian, you only did those things because you were hurting, I've forgiven you a long time ago, maybe it’s time you forgive yourself hmm?” Rapunzel smiled sadly.

Varian didn’t know if it was the fever or just how awful he was feeling, but he buried his head into Rapunzel’s chest, sobbing.

Rapunzel was taken aback by the outburst but comforted the boy nevertheless. She cooed soft reassurances to him until his sobbing was nothing more than small hiccups.

When Varian finished crying he was exhausted. “I… I’m sorry princess, I don’t… I don’t know what happened I-“

Rapunzel shushed him gently. “It’s okay Varian, something tells me you needed that.” Rapunzel gave the alchemist’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “You should get some rest, you look absolutely exhausted.”

Varian nodded, laying down and shutting his eyes. Rapunzel’s words echoing in his fuzzy mind.

Rapunzel stood from the infirmary bed, but she was stopped by Varian’s hand grabbing her own.

“Thank you, Rapunzel, for… for everything.” Varian’s voice was soft and weak, but he sounded peaceful.

Rapunzel smiled. “Of course Varian, now get some rest.”

Varian nodded and fell asleep, his dreams, for the first time in a year, sweet.

#tangled the series #varian the alchemist #varian tts #varian #tts #sickfic

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rambling-rabbit · 3 years

Text

My Raven (Vampire Diaries oneshot)

Word Count: 2k

Pairings: Elijah x OC, and then Klaus x OC

AN: I forgot this is based on two songs: One Headlight by The Wallflowers (though I really like The Ready Set’s cover) and Snuff by Slipknot. I went through some stuff in high school lol. And that’s a reminder; I wrote this like 6 years ago. I heavily edited it, but I don’t think it’s a great piece of writing by any means. Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy!! :)

(I also think I wrote another part to this, so if anyone wants that I can dig it up)

So long ago, I don't remember when.

That's when they say I lost my only friend.

"I can't lose you, Elijah!" I yelled after him, black hair whipping around as I frantically tried to catch his face through the trees. He couldn't leave me, not like this. He promised. "Please, don't go." I could hear the vulnerability in my voice, where it hadn't been present in years. I felt sick to my stomach; he shouldn't be able to do this to me. I can’t believe I thought I was getting my happily ever after.

They say she died easy of a broken heart disease,

As I listened, through the cemetery trees.

"I'm sorry, my love. I must," his voice whispered out of the trees and I tried to follow him, but my legs were stuck like cement to the grass. The compulsion wouldn’t even let me sink to the ground to cry. "Our love is forbidden, and you are not safe with me." That didn't stop him from asking me to marry him, though, did it? "Don't fret, I will find you again." The overwhelming freezing sadness I had felt before was leached out of me and suddenly replaced with an anger that shot through my system, burning my blood. All I had done for months was fret about him; his father was out to kill him and he was finally deciding to leave me behind! I clenched my fists at my sides and breathed in slowly.

"Don't lie, 'Lijah!" I yelled out into the void, my voice stronger and clearer than before. "This is our goodbye forever." I could feel the heavy truth of my statement ring throughout the clearing. Sudden soft footsteps sounded somewhere to my right, but I resisted the urge to look at the man who had toyed with my heart for so long. "What are you waiting for? Leave already." My voice held no emotion anymore, even as tears dripped down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," Elijah said again, sadder this time, and my heart cracked at the ridiculous amount of sincerity I thought I could hear in his voice, "I love you with all of my heart." I resisted an urge to snort, feeling a manic need to start laughing. If he loved me that much, he wouldn’t be doing this, and we both know it. "I give you my word that I will find you again," I gasped in a breath. His word meant everything to him. I immediately crushed the sprout of hope I wanted so badly to let grow in my chest. "Good-bye, my Raven." Then, he was gone, and the world around went black.

I looked up a few minutes later to see a new figure standing at the tree line. I got up mechanically and walked over to him.

"You seem different," he stated, smirking, no doubt having heard my and Elijah's conversation, "I wonder what could have happened?" This bastard, the man I had always thought of as a brother. How could I have been so stupid as to never see the monster inside. Every emotion in me seemed to bubble up all at once, it was overwhelming. I couldn’t focus, it felt like my brain and heart were being ripped out of my body. Closing my eyes, I focused on the absence I had been holding onto before. Meeting his eyes again, I could see he was taken aback at the coldness inside.

"Oh, nothing," I bluffed, turning around and walking away, "Just found a reason to turn off my humanity." I glanced back at him and smirked, the same smirk I had always seen on his face. I had learned from the best.

It always seemed such a waste,

She always had a pretty face.

I wondered why she hung around this place.

I woke up with an immense headache, again. My dream faded fast, but I knew what it meant. I glanced around and noticed my clothes strewn everywhere, but his were nowhere to be found. The shower turned on, and I silently moved into the middle of the floor. That dream could only mean one thing. 'Lijah was searching here. He couldn't find me so easily.

It was my fault he was so close. What was I thinking, crawling back to this bastard again? I sent a look of disgust at the door, even though it was fully directed at myself.

Using vampire speed, I picked up everything and got dressed. The skinny jeans came back on, along with the blue tank top and leather jacket. My sneakers were found in a vase and I had to pause for a moment to wonder when that happened. My nose crinkled as I realized the clothes in my own hotel room would have to stay there for quite a long time if I plan on getting out of this city before Elijah finds out I'm here.

If you love me,

let me go,

and run away before I know.

I could see the entrance to the hotel lobby. Freedom was in sight, mine for the taking. He wouldn't be able to question me on last night and Elijah wouldn't find me. Perfect.

"Hello there, love," his British accent almost made my knees buckle. I tell myself it's because it sounds so much like his brother's.

"What do you want, Klaus?" I asked snottily, trying to be nonchalant and pretend that nothing happened between us only a hand-full of hours ago.

“Why so cold, darling? Once upon a time we were almost siblings.” He gave that smile, the one made of slicing malice that gave a glimpse of the monster hiding inside. Although it seemed strange that he would bring up my previous engagement instead of the previous night, something about Klaus’s demeanor let me know that he’s the reason Elijah found me so quickly.

My heart is just too dark to care.

I can't destroy what isn't there.

“Yes, but unlike Kol or Finn, I don’t like you.” I answered, putting a bland smile on my face as I tried to hide how anxious I was to sprint out the door and never look back.

"Harsh, love." How does he know I love when he calls me that? I flinch inward at my own thoughts; now is not the time to get distracted. There isn’t anything to love about Klaus. He's a monster, murderer, and there's not a scrap of humanity in him! "I just came to say good-bye, Raven, since you seemed to have forgotten." I held my breath when he paused, watching that stupid smirk creep across his face. "But, about last night -"

"No!" My face heated at the thought of where that sentence was going, and I frantically glanced around, glad I hadn’t attracted too many stares. "It was a moment of weakness and it shouldn't have happened." Images from last night zoomed through my brain and I was incredibly glad that vampires couldn’t blush.

"Now, see, I would believe you," Klaus took a few steps closer until I had to look up at him, "if this was the first time." He paused to see if I would interrupt, his dark eyes searching mine, but I wasn't entirely sure what to say. "May I remind you of just a few months ago when we didn't leave my room for three days except to hunt? Or how about New Years?" he was talking low so no one around would hear, but my advanced ears heard everything perfectly. He brought up some fair points, but I could never let him know what those nights meant to me. I laced my fingers behind my back so he wouldn’t see them shaking as I focused on breathing evenly. "And let me just say, the best was probably the night Elijah left you." Klaus's voice turned even colder than mine had been. The blood drained from my face and my mouth went dry. He had no right to bring that up. The worst night of my life played in my mind over and over again, bringing back the pain and the heartbreak that made me turn my emotions off in the first place.

I went to finally say something--what, exactly, I wasn’t sure--but this time he shushed me. "Just, give in and be happy. That's all I want from you, Raven. Be happy." He coaxed. There was an odd sort of tone in his voice; I would call it sadness, except Klaus was incapable of such a human emotion. "Don't keep running away every time we meet up." My breath went shaky as I thought about it. Being with him was as natural as breathing, even as he set my blood on fire and everything in me screamed to hold on tight and never let him go.

Klaus, the beautiful and blonde vampire, who could massacre a village and then turn and look into my soul with such softness it hurt. Why was it so hard to say no all of a sudden? It wasn't compulsion, but that was the only explanation for why I hadn't run away already. He was the reason my life ended, the reason I don’t have anyone to care for. He doesn’t deserve any compassion, not after everything he’s done. I shouldn’t want to lean in and press our lips together, order him to take me back to his room. I should care that Elijah is here, searching for me, and for the life we never got to have together. My head is spinning, and that wave of emotion I pushed away so long ago threatens to pull me under again.

If you still care,

don't ever let me know.

"I can't." The words sounded forced and weak, even to me. I clear my throat and look into his crystal blue eyes. "I can't." This time it comes out more firmly, and I can see a dash of hurt behind his usual facade. "Elijah was my true love.” The lies tumble from my lips, but I find strength in their falsehood. “Anything with you was done because of weakness and because I was emotionally unstable. Goodbye, Klaus." I pick up my bag and start walking away with my head held high. After all, I learned from the best.

We'll run until she's out of breath.

She ran until there's nothing left.

She hit the end,

it's just her window ledge.

Klaus sped in front of me and stared into my unemotional brown eyes. I could see the panic on his face for that split second, as if he really didn't want me to go. There was a world of words he was conveying, all too much for me to comprehend. Then, his features flattened, he stepped aside, and I walked out, trying not to show how surprised I was that Klaus let me see past his wall of emotional protection, even if it was only for a moment.

The second I was outside, tears started streaming silently down my face. I loved Klaus, almost always had. Ever since the night 'Lijah left, when he tried to help me pick up the pieces. I’ve pretended to forget how his actions affected me that night, but it was the first time I had felt alive since becoming a vampire. I thought my love for him was like a brother until that night, when I found out that my love for Klaus was so intense it scared me.

We wouldn't ever work, though. I sniffled and wiped my eyes as I stood against the wall outside the hotel. It would never work out. He was only after me as an ally. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. He was all for the kill and the power. How do I know he won't just kill me when I'm no longer useful? I can't trust him. My excuses feel weak, but they’re all I have.

Not bothering to glance around, I take off, already picking my next destination and leaving all of my problems behind.

If you still care, don't ever let me know...

#vampire diaries #fanfiction #fanfic #klaus mikaelson #elijah mikaelson #songfic #oneshot #klaus x reader #elijah x reader #rambling rabbit writes

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shesey · 3 years

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Wintering by Katherine May

“Wintering is a season in the cold. It is a fallow period in life when you’re cut off from the world, feeling rejected, sidelined, blocked from progress, or cast into the role of an outsider. Perhaps it results from an illness; perhaps from a life event such as a bereavement or the birth of a child; perhaps it comes from a humiliation or failure. Perhaps you’re in a period of transition, and have temporarily fallen between two worlds. Some winterings creep upon us more slowly, accompanying the protracted death of a relationship, the gradual ratcheting up of caring responsibilities as our parents age, the drip-drip-drip of lost confidence. Some are appallingly sudden, like discovering one day that your skills are considered obsolete, the company you worked for has gone bankrupt, or your partner is in love with someone new. However it arrives, wintering is usually involuntary, lonely, and deeply painful. Yet it is also inevitable. We like to imagine that it’s possible for life to be one eternal summer, and that we have uniquely failed to achieve that for ourselves.” “Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Winter is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but that’s where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible. Once we stop wishing it were summer, winter can be a glorious season when the world takes on a sparse beauty, and even the pavements sparkle. It’s a time for reflection and recuperation, for slow replenishment, for putting your house in order.” “That’s what humans do: we make and remake our stories, abandoning the ones that no longer fit and trying on new ones for size.” “In the changing room later, I experience a different kind of warmth: the nakedness of a dozen women, all unashamed. These aren’t the posing bodies you find on the beach, dieted beyond al joy to be bikini-ready, and tanned as an act of disguise. These are northern bodies, slack-bottomed and dimpling, with unruly pubic hair and the scars of hysterectomies, chattering companionably in a language I don’t understand. They are a glimpse of life yet to come: a message of survival, passed on through the generations. It’s a message I rarely find in my buttoned-up home country, and I think about the times I’ve suffered silent furies at the treacheries of my own body, imagining them to be unique.” “Ghost stories may be a part of the terror of Halloween, but our love of ghost stories betrays a far more fragile desire: that we do not fade so easily from this life.” “Winter has decorated ordinary life. Some days, everything sparkles.” “You realize that no one is what they look like, on the surface. Everybody has their dose of suffering; it’s just more hidden in some than in others.” “I think about this a lot, she says, the needle breaks the fabric in order to repair it. You can’t have one without the other.” “In the absence of sunlight, it would be too costly to maintain the machinery of growth.” “I’m fairly certain that my decision not to have a second child rests squarely on my worship of sleep.” “I have nothing to show for my forty-odd years on this earth, except for a pile of dusty books.” “4am. The ego flares like a struck match: bright, blue, fleeting. I am thankful to be alone when this happens, to let it burn out in private. We should sometimes be grateful for the solitudes of night, of a winter. They save us from displaying our worse selves to the waking world.” “Certainty is a dead space in which there’s no more room to grow. Wavering is painful. I’m glad to be travelling between the two.” “Sometimes writing is a race against your own mind, as your hand labours to keep up with the flood tide of your thoughts, and I feel that most acutely at night, when there are no competing demands on my attention. That slightly sleepy, dazed state erods the barriers of my waking brain.” “I can confess all my sins to a piece of paper, with no one to censor it.” “Our personal winters are so often accompanies by insomnia, but perhaps we are still drawn towards that unique space of intimacy and contemplation, darkness, and silence, without really knowing what we’re seeking. Perhaps, after all, we are being urged towards our own comfort.” “Lucy is a symbol of absolute faith and utter purity, but the sins for which she suffers are not her own. Instead, she shoulders the weight of the male gaze, and is destroyed by it.” “Some winters creep up on us so slowly that they have infiltrated every part of our lives before we truly feel them.” “We felt broken into pieces, but at the same time, never so loved.” “We changed our focus away from pushing through with normal life, and towards making a new one. When everything is broken, everything is also up for grabs. That’s the gift of winter: it’s irresistible. Change will happen in its wake, whether we like it or not. We can come out of it wearing a different coat.” “I could have stood there and cried on the spot, just knowing that I wasn’t alone.” “I felt accepted in a way that I hand’t for months.” “This isn’t just an unkind attitude, it does us harm, because it stops us from learning that disaster happens, and how to adapt when it does. It stops us from reaching out to people who are suffering. And, when our own disaster comes, it forces us into a humiliated retreat, as we try to hunt down mistakes that we never made in the first place.” “I simply had no defence against the changes that were happening in my life.” “Life never does quite offer us those simply happy endings. I often that that it’s all part of my own craving: the moral clarity of cause and effect, reward and punishment for my actions. A map for living that renders everything explicable.” “All her desires were for elemental things: love, a little comfort, the society of interesting people. Everyday life is so often isolated, dreary, and lonely. A little craving is understandable. A little craving might actually be the rallying cry for survival.” “I love the inconvenience [of snow] the same way that I can sneakingly love a bad cold: the irresistible disruption to mundane life, forcing you to stop for a while and step outside of your normal habits.” “In autumn, the male drones are sacrificed because they’re no longer of any use, and would otherwise just be hungry mounts to feed.” “Our lives take different shapes: we do not work in a linear progression through fixed roles like the honeybee. We are not consistently useful to the world at large. We talk about the complexity of the hive, but human societies are infinitely more complex, full of choices and mistakes, periods of glory and seasons of utter despair. Some of us make highly visible, elaborate contributions to the whole; some of us are just part of the ticking mechanics of the world, the incremental wealth of small gestures. All of it matters. All of it weaves the wider fabric that binds us.” “We may sometimes drift through years in which we feel like a negative presence in the world, but we come back again, not only restored, but bringing more than we brought before: more wisdom, more compassion, a greater capacity to reach deep into our roots and know that we will find water.” “Usefulness, in itself, is a useless concept when it comes to humans. I don’t think we were ever meant to think about others in terms of their use to us.” “We flourish on caring, on doling out love.” “Winter is a time for the quiet arts of making: for knitting and sewing, baking and simmering, repairing and restoring our homes.” “We sing because it fills our lungs with nourishing air, and lets our heart soar with the notes we let out. We sing because it allows us to speak of love and loss, delight and desire, all encoded in lyrics that let us pretend that those feelings are not quite ours.” “As I walk, I remind myself ot the words of Alan Watts: ‘To hold your breath is to lose your breath.’ In The Wisdom of Insecurity, Watts makes a case that always convinces me, but which I always seem to forget: that life is, by nature, uncontrollable. That we should stop trying to finalize our comfort and security somehow, and instead find a radical acceptance of the endless, unpredictable change that is the very essence of this life. Our suffering, he says, comes from the fight we put up against this fundamental truth: ‘Running away from fear is fear, fighting pain is pain, trying to be brave is being scared. If the mind is in pain, the mind is in pain. The thinker has no other form than his thought. There is no escape.” “The future, to which we devote so much of our brainpower, is an unstable element, entirely unknowable.” “When we endlessly ruminate in these distant times, we miss extraordinary things in the present moment. They are, in actual fact, all we have: the here and now; the direct perception of our senses.” “I’m beginning to think that unhappiness is one of the simple things in life: a pure, basic emotion to be respected, if not savoured. I would never dream of suggesting that we should wallow in misery, or shrink from doing everything we can to alleviate it; but I do think it’s instructive. After all, unhappiness has a function: it tells us that something is going wrong. If we don’t allow ourselves the fundamental honesty of our own sadness, then we miss an important cue to adapt. We seem to be living in an age when we’re bombarded with entreaties to be happy, but we’re suffering from an avalanche of depression; we’re urged to stop sweating the small stuff, and yet we’re chronically anxious. I often wonder if these are just normal feelings that become monstrous when they’re denied. A great deal of life will always suck. There will be moments when we’re riding high, and moments when we can’t bear to get out of bed. Both are normal. Both, in fact, require a little perspective.” “We need friends who wince along with our pain, who tolerate our gloom, and who allow us to be weak for a while when we’re finding our feet again. We need people who acknowledge that we can’t always hang on in there; that sometimes, everything breaks.” “I recognized winter. I saw it coming (a mile off, since you ask), and I looked it in the eye,. I greeted it, and let it in. I had some tricks up my sleeve, you see. I’ve learned them the hard way. When I started feeling the drag of winter, I began to treat myself like a favoured child: with kindness and love. I assumed my needs were reasonable, and that my feelings were signals of something important.” “We tend to imagine that our lives are linear, but they are in fact cyclical. I would not, or course, seek to deny that we grow gradually older, but while doing so, we pass through phases of good health and ill, of optimism and deep doubt, of freedom and constraint.”

#winter #books #quotes #katherine may

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lambourngb · 4 years

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1 Hi! I saw the Michael wants a family w/ Alex thread & saw you're maybe planning a fic. First off I am such a fan and feel free to delete this if it in anyway offends bec i I swear it's never my intent. It's your fic and you can 1000% write w/ever you want. I can't figure out how to reply to the thread but I saw someone putting in a request not to shade M for not wanting kids. So I thought maybe it'd be okay to reach out too w/ a concern (i hope I'm not overstepping, if so ignore me please).

2 I get that the idea of including her in the 1st place was from a comment who wanted a fun petty moment (no judgement) but it grew to addressing Michael's passiveness. I just wanted to put it out there that I hope incl. her doesn't come off as if she's the 1st option for this. Given the OG text post, it'd be great if Alex is the 1st person Michael thinks of when thinking about a child. The idea of it being a last resort or that he went to someone else 1st just makes me so anxious and sad.

3 I feel like Alex deserves better & that Michael chooses him because he wants to not bec he has no options so I hope it isn't written like that. The show forcing things is tiring me out and it's making me anxious about things I'm usually pretty chill about. I don't even know if you will write it and I don't mean any harm. I hope you're not mad and I didn't offend & this isn't coming off as whiny or demanding, I was just rly hoping to reach out to voice a concern. Thanks for reading.

Hi Nonnie- first of all, thank you. I’m glad you enjoy my writing! That’s always nice to hear. And second of all, I’m not offended and I completely understand your anxiety about Alex being a second choice here with Michael. I’ve always believed that Maria has been Michael’s second choice in canon. He’s convinced himself that things are too hard with Alex and it’s best to give up. I hate that for Michael because it says a lot of things about his non-existent self esteem and his abandonment issues. Anyway, my “Michael wants a family” story is just a nebulous idea at the moment and is obviously something I won’t dive into until I finish off Last Year’s Wishes. I basically smack my brain with a rolled up newspaper and say “No! focus on the thing you started before you start another!”.

When I am ready to dive in- here’s what I’m thinking and hopefully this helps gauge your future interest in this story- like Last Year’s Wishes, I like to write from one limited point of view. I have only tried briefly to write from Michael’s POV, but I feel like this story has to be told from his and that’s intimidating as hell, haha, especially because I feel a deep connection to Alex.

What we know from canon regarding kids and a family is- Michael wants a family. Other than Isobel leaving the door open for herself in the future, he’s the only one who has definitively said he wants kids. I don’t know how Maria or Alex feels about kids, Maria I think I can guess on (more on that below), but Alex, other than saying that Roswell felt like home for the first time because of Michael (triggering Maria’s iconic line “Home can be a person”) hasn’t said much in the way of marriage and family. The fact he bought or rented a house in Roswell, instead of the cabin - maybe that signals he wants to set down roots? Maybe he just hated the commute from the cabin?

Maria is a little easier for me to make a guess over, and I could be wrong, but she’s been working extremely hard to support herself and her mother for many years. Did she dream about being a singer? Did she ever want to leave Roswell? We don’t know, but she is savvy with money and is constantly looking for opportunities to better her position in life financially. And that financial security is still shakey with her 24/7 hustle. Nursing home care in the US is so costly it could be considered a crime, and with Mimi not being old enough to qualify for social security or medicare, that cost is on Maria’s shoulders. From a young age- Maria’s entire focus on the future was based around the knowledge that she was going to have to take care of her mother. I don’t know if that leaves energy for the idea of taking care of a child. Maria also knew she too would face this neurological disorder at some point and become a burden herself. Now does the bracelet stop her decline? How long does the pollen’s keep things in check? And if she does keep her mind healthy and intact, what sort of thing would she be passing on to a more-than-50 percent alien child?

Again I could be projecting my own feelings here, but I just get the vibe that Maria has a lot of caretaker burnout still and is reaching for things that make her feel good in the moment but is in no hurry to take on another big future responsibility outside of making enough money to survive.

And what does that mean for Michael’s relationship with her? If he wants to have a long-term relationship with Maria, he would have to let go of the idea of kids. Here’s the thing, that Michael himself said, he’s good at giving up. He gave up college, he gave up on hope/people, he gave up on the idea he could have a happy ending with Alex- everywhere you look in canon, you see him holding up empty hands when it comes to things he wants and basically saying “I tried for a bit, it was hard, so I’m done trying” (and personally I think he tried for 10 years with Alex, the longest and most stubborn grab for happiness).

Other people get him to keep pushing past that impulse to give up - Liz when it came to curing Isobel, Liz again when it came to saving Max, and Alex- when it came to looking for some hope in a dark story (Nora and Tripp). So I want Michael to be the one who pushes himself past that impulse. I want him to come face to face with his oldest, most wanted desire (A family) and draw a line in the sand, and so no, “I want this, I want this for me” and not back away when it causes conflict with someone else.

But here’s the thing, Michael’s so used to “going where you want me” that I think even in the face of Maria saying “you know, kids aren’t in the future here” he would still try to make it work. I have long joked that I ship everyone on RNM with a therapist (except for Kyle, who is perfect) but I really want Michael to seek out help. I think he would go, but for entirely the wrong purpose- in my story, he would go see a therapist and say to them, “I can fix a busted transmission, but I can’t fix this. Can you help me with this? She doesn’t want a family but I do. How can I change myself”

And oh boy is that a pandora’s box for a therapist. Digging into the meat of you don’t think people will stay so you push them away- Alex, then when they do express they want you, you don’t believe it will last so why bother trying again. In the process of Michael trying to fix himself so he can preserve his relationship with Maria, he discovers though guidance - that he can’t be a good partner if he’s not good to himself, and letting someone else’s desires supersede his own isn’t healthy. Then finding the balance after you figure out you can say no- because compromise is also important.

Somewhere in this mess is Sanders, who after hearing that Michael’s ready to ditch the idea of being someone’s dad, shakes him by the shirt collar. Explaining to Michael that just maybe he should have tried harder all those years ago to be someone who could adopt him, that shame never leaves him. Trying twice was good but not good enough, who’s to say the third time wouldn’t have been successful? But somewhere along the line Sanders decided it was easier to be the old gin-soaked junkyard dog than be someone who was willing to do the work of sobriety. Does Michael want to follow in his footsteps? Leave some kid in a place they don’t belong if he has the ability and desire to provide a home? And Michael decides he is done telling himself it won’t work out, that he wants this with an impulse stronger than his self-defeatist instincts.

And that is the death knell on his relationship with Maria- incompatible.

Then, because I’m a Malex shipper through and through, there’s Alex. He’s shown up for Michael all through season 2. And in my eyes, they’ve worked on their friendship (drown in those 2x04 feels) and Michael calls him for advice, lays out what’s going on with him and Alex supports him on that path to being happy. Alex gently probing him about how long he’s had this dream of being a parent, hearing how it predated senior year, but after senior year Michael inserted Alex into the dream. Michael sharing even after everything, he still thinks of Alex of being there, maybe an uncle? And Alex, overwhelmed by how serious Michael was and maybe still is? Takes it slow, this can’t be a rebound, just urges him to take the small steps, like mentoring with Big Brothers/Big Sisters or through the YMCA.

Those logical steps get escalated when Michael discovers a hitchhiker stowed away in flatbed of his tow trunk after a stop at a rest area. He sees himself in this angry, but desperate kid. He doesn’t want to give the kid up and so he calls on Alex yet again, to do a background check to make sure the story is true and then pleads for him to help. Make Michael foster-parent worthy in the eyes of the law. I don’t know if this skirts the fear you have that Alex is the last resort? In my mind, his two oldest desires are having a kid AND having Alex, and once he works out he can have the first, he realizes that all is not lost with Alex as well.

Anyway my very long thoughts on this story I AM NOT WRITING RIGHT NOW: a take on ‘fake engagement because of CPS’ where Alex installs Michael into his house all so they could give a home to this stray kid.

#anon ask #writing thoughts #wip #malex fic prompt #Anonymous #my thoughts on this predate that post i commented on #basically i spend a lot of time thinking up ways for M*luca to break up #i need a break up that leaves me not hating anyone #and if Maria just decides she's just not into Michael while Michael is all in? Yikes #dude is not good at trying again after defeat #michael guerin deserves good things #therapy is needed stat for this disaster #tags added after my commute to work

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darling-louis · 6 years

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Distant...Friend?

This was another fic loosely based off of a dream I had! It’s a good thing I dream about Harry geez. Otherwise I’d be way slower to update.

Synopsis: You call your best friend harry after one of his performances. he’s worn out and about to go to bed but he makes time for you and gives you relationship advice....Which leads to a little more than you expected.

Word Count: 1.6k words!

Harry is absolutely knackered, to put it simply. He’s just gotten back to his hotel room after performing, not even pausing to take off his concert outfit--They can just pick it up tomorrow, he thought--The whole wardrobe team would have wanted to do a full session of carefully (not to mention painstakingly) taking back the outfit, ironing it, and hanging it back up on the rack, all while undoubtedly keeping pleasant conversation with Harry, who was simply too worn out to socialize right now. Don’t get him wrong, he loved his team, and he loved his outfit (black flared pants and a pink, sparkly, bedazzled jacket with a white, billowy chiffon shirt underneath), but Harry gets a bit fussy when he’s tired so it would be in everyone’s best interest if he just went back to his hotel room, he thought.

He could barely keep his eyes open long enough to figure out how the lock mechanic on his door worked (why does every hotel always have a different type of lock?), he can never figure them out if he’s honest, especially when he’s about to pass out from exhaustion at any second now. Finally, he somehow manages to get in and lock the door behind him, leaning up against the back of the now-closed door. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, he’d give anything to be naked right now. Just the mere thought of slowly and carefully removing his custom Gucci outfit made him whine like a baby. He really was glad no one was here to listen to him.

Just as he started to unbutton his trousers, his phone vibrated, still on silent from performing. Your smiling face lit up the screen, it was a picture the two of you took last Christmas when you took a picture with Santa—you two were the oldest ones there by far, which made all the parents give you nasty looks, probably because they were stuck with a bratty kid who had been crying for 30+ minutes, but hey, it’s their fault for having the kid.

Seeing your face, he smiled. He hasn’t gotten to talk to you nearly as much as he usually does, due to his extremely demanding tour schedule. He truly does feel bad for it, doesn’t want you to feel unimportant or ignored, even though each time you assure him that you completely understand, that it’s the price of being best friends with a world famous pop-star. He gave up on his pants, leaving them unbuttoned, and picked up his phone gingerly.

“I’ve missed ya, love,” is the first thing he says, he never felt right giving you a simple greeting.

“Hi, Haz,” you sighed. As soon as he heard the deflated tone of your voice, he sat up against the headboard of his bed, determined to stay awake for you—you sounded like you needed help.

Harry’s brows furrowed. “Wha’s the matter, love? Are y’alright?”

“Well...it’s Don, ya’know?” At your words, Harry rolled his eyes, thankful that you couldn’t see him. Don was your boyfriend, everyone knew the bloke was useless—everyone except Y/N, that is. You continued, “Haz, I know everyone thinks I’m mental for staying with him, but they don’t know what it used to be. How it used to be. When we first started dating, he was the perfect guy. Always so reassuring and innocent. I knew I was his whole world, and he was mine. He was the one who was more into the relationship in the beginning, not me. Now it’s all me.”

The line grew silent, while switching positions (he was now lying on his bed on his tummy), Harry was racking his brain for the best advice to give you, even though he’s told you the same thing each time, just different variations. He spoke in a soft, reassuring voice--one he knew helped soothe you when you were anxious, “Love, no one thinks you’re mental, we jus’ want wha’s best for yeh. Yeh love Donny boy so much that you can’t see how miserable yeh really are. Haven’ heard yeh this upset since your fish died las’ year.”

Y/N laughs silently, puffing air through her nose. Harry can hear it through the phone, and he knows he’s doing something right. He smiles. “Don’t remind me of her, ‘else I’ll turn into a blubberin’ baby and soak my phone with my tears,” She let out another sigh. “Harry...This time was different. He’s made me cry so many times before, but this time I think it was intentional.”

Harry tensed, voice getting deeper as he immediately asks “Wha’ do y’mean?”

“I was having an anxiety attack—I’ve been getting them a lot lately,” because of the way Don is treating you, he wanted to say, but he kept that himself. “I was overthinking everything and convinced myself that he didn’t want to be with me and I decided that instead of freaking out about it, why don’t I just ask him and get it over with? So I did,” There was a pause on the line, then random noises, Harry guessed Y/N was moving around. “Hi, honey….I’m on the phone right now, I can cook dinner after I get off…No, I didn’t wash your clothes yet, I was getting a project done. My deadlines tomorrow….Don, please calm down. I’ll do it while I’m making dinner….I’m still on the phone, Don….I’ll be down in 10 minutes. Watch the telly until I get back, you won’t even miss me.” The sad part about that last part, Harry thought, is that it’s probably true. There was some more shuffling on the other end, followed by the sound of a door closing, Harry guessed she went upstairs for some privacy. “Hi, sorry. He came home. I couldn’t focus all day, been worryin’ too much. Just made up the whole deadline bit. Maybe I should be an actor like you.”

Harry gave a small chuckle in reply, even though all he could think of was how Y/N felt like she had to put on a fake smile and joke around like everything was just a field of daisies and that she wasn’t hurting inside. “Continue on with your story, pet. Y’stopped after saying y’told him ‘bout your anxieties.”

“So I told him, and he sighed—sighed like he was hurting, too. I thought oh no, this is it, he’s finally going to end things, and I panicked even more, of course, and started crying. He just looked at me. Didn’t even grab my hand or anythin’. Jus’ looked at me like he didn’t know what to do, when he knows I’ve told him—even made him a list—of how he can help me when I’m having an anxiety attack. But of course each time he “doesn’t know what to do” and “thinks I’m over-reacting”. Haz, we’ve been dating for a year. When did it all go so wrong?”

Harry sighed, thinking of the nicest way possible to say this (his motto wasn’t Treat People With Kindness for nothing), “If he does that, then he’s not for you, button,” he says as he rolls over onto his side, switching the phone into his other ringed hand, his once-crisped-trousers becoming wrinkled. “Y/N, you are literally the sun. You are so bright, so amazin’, that Don literally looks like a piece of scum on your arm. He doesn’ deserve yeh. He deserves someone more on his level, ‘n tha’s nowhere near you. Kitten, you are amazing, ‘n he’s keepin’ you from seein’ your full potential. Keepin’ you from succeeding ‘n definitely not keepin’ yeh happy. Dare I say, ‘think even I would be a better boyfriend, ‘n I’m halfway across the world more than I am physically with you.”

Harry heard a sigh on the other end of the phone, followed by silence. Finally, she said “You’re right, H. You’re always right. I do agree with you though, you would be a better boyfriend.” Harry was glad that she couldn’t see him nervously biting his bottom lip.

He ran his tongue over his lips before he spoke. “Let me prove it to yeh, love.” He ran a ringed hand through his mess of curls atop his head.

Y/N’s breath hitched in her throat, her voice barely a whisper when she said, “What?”

Harry cleared his throat, trying desperately to put his thoughts into words. “Let me prove it to ya—Show yeh how a proper guy should treat ya. I may not know much, but growing up with two women, I learned a few things ‘bout how they like to be treated—How they need to be treated.” He decided he was satisfied with how he worded things this time, something he always has trouble with.

The silence was deafening to Harry. Finally, he heard a quiet “Okay,” immediately followed by a much more confident, “Yeah. Okay. I’m gonna end things with Don, the worthless knob he is. Then, you can show me. Thank you, Harry. Really. I mean it.”

A toothy grin broke out across Harry’s face, his cheeks pinking up a great deal. He tried to play it cool by giving a wobbly-voiced “Like usual, I know the answer to all your problems.”

Y/N giggled softly, oh how Harry loved her giggle. Was glad he was the cause of it. “Like usual. I’ll keep you updated on the knob—I mean Don situation.”

Harry snickered in reply. “Please do. Be safe, Y/N. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Talk to you soon, Haz. Miss you loads.”

“Miss you too, button.”

With that, the phone conversation ended, leaving Harry to figure out how to get out of his custom-tailored clothes alone. Harry whined again, still thankful no one could hear him being a big baby—which he was, undoubtedly.

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bloodycas · 2 years

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so after...... 3 straight weeks of just energy and anxiety i’m back to my regular state at least for today. which is still anxiety but also just pepper in an absolute lack of energy, completely depressed mood, and just general awfulness.

i am an utterly broken person. like i am fucked up i am not a normal human being and i think i never will be and i am so sad. i am fucked in the head from everything in my stupid ass life and i cannot ever get these things out of my head and it affects how i see myself as a person which in turn affects how i interact with other people. great. and i am so fucking fucked up and weird and obsessive that i am still thinking about this fucking guy from 3 weeks ago and that’s fucking with my brain also stay tuned for more on that at the bottom of the post. i cannot make sense of any of my thoughts and emotions and they vary so wildly all the time and i’m so confused.

i go over things over and over and over in my head and think and make up scenarios on how i could have done things differently. i fucking dream about situations that have happened and how they could have gone. to the point that i sometimes can’t even remember what actually HAPPENED and what i have just been fucking ruminating over. i can’t remember if i just drank too much and can’t remember most things that happened that night with that guy or if i’ve been so extremely fixated on the handful of embarrassing things i remember saying that i’ve just like blocked out the rest???

i am catching myself in thought spirals that are extremely unhelpful but i can’t stop obsessing over them. i catch myself just always trying to distract myself from my thoughts. the other night i was trying to sleep and thinking so much and making myself so anxious and the only thing i could think to do to help myself was to just get on my phone and watch tiktoks because it distracts me. i have started a new job and i can’t focus i can’t remember things i’m being told and i;m making stupid mistakes because i’m just in my stupid fucking brain THINKING about all these fucking personal things and it’s driving me insane

i can’t focus on anything i can’t read, i can’t watch tv, because i feel so distracted by my thoughts. i can mindlessly scroll social media, tumblr, tiktok, because yknow its such short little things that require attention but anything else is just too much.

i thought i was actually doing better because i have this friend now after literal years of having no one except when i’m with her i cannot help but notice how much i struggle to interact with people. i have nothing to talk about i don’t know how to start or continue conversations i have nothing to contribute.

and then i think about that and i’m like wow why does she even talk to me why does she hang out with me like....... what am i missing... does she feel bad for me and invite me to things. maybe???? when we go out i want to be out and do things with her but we seem to always go out drinking and then shes off talking to random people and i don’t know how to do that........

last night we go out and i’m like oh what are we going to do i’m going to sit at the table alone while you’re off talking to strangers. and she goes noooo i won’t do that today.. but then sure enough. the coworkers we met up with leave and she’s immediately talking to this random group of guys which means i have to as well. one of the guys is immediately all over me and won’t stop talking to me and making me dance with him (and like to be fair i’m so fucking dumb and don’t know how to tell people to stop) and i was so uncomfortable and tried to subtly show her that which didn’t work, and then i outright i told her that and that i wanted to go. she says one more drink so i say fine. a drink comes and goes and we’re still there, i tell her i’m leaving at 1 and she literally gives me fucking puppy dog eyes and i’m like that doesn’t work on me i don’t want to be here. this guy is still talking to me and asking to take me out and all this and then a fucking fight breaks out and i get pushed and hurt and i’m like that’s it its 12:58 i’m leaving i’m going home and she again tries to get me to stay and is like hang on give me a minute to decide what i want to do. i’m like no you have had 15 minutes to decide i told you i’m leaving so i’m leaving whether you’re coming or not. and i left and i went home. and then all i can think is IM the one who is messed up for leaving her there alone because i can’t be fucking normal and talk to people uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i’m just so tired of being like this i am tired of myself i am tired of being so fucking weird and awkward and i know i have to probably just keep going out into the world and putting myself into situations until it gets easier but god it fucking sucks

and then this guy like literally imagine what its like to just i guess have a random hookup with someone and be normal. couldn’t be me!! why is this fucking me up so badly. i am so fucking annoyed and mad at myself over this like god. what if i was a normal human and knew how to interact with people i could’ve not done and said all those stupid things and maybe instead of running out of his house like a wild animal the next morning i could’ve asked for his number or LITERALLY ANYTHING. my friend from above has been telling me about him for months and how we would like each other and i was like damn i want to meet this guy. and then we’re out drinking one night and she’s like oh he’s out tonight too i’ll invite him here!!! and then i was super excited to meet him and i was like damn he’s cute and oh weird he seems to like me ok this is great ok he’s taking me back to his place fantastic that must mean there’s something about me that’s good enough for this guy to like me enough to do this right???????????? oh but maybe not after i say and do all that awkward dumb shit and then literally RUN out of his house like. i am so stupid and i fucked that up and i didn’t want to and now this is just how it is i ruined my chance and i hate that. and then i remember a couple weeks before she invited me last minute to have a drink with them one night but i couldn’t because i was out. and then i’m like damn what if i had gone and i could have met this guy in a normal setting instead of being fucking DRUNK AT A BAR BY THE TIME HE ARRIVED.

idk idk idk why am i obsessing over this i feel deranged!!!!!!!!!!!!

and its not normal to be thinking about it still 3 weeks later like i literally do not know this person at all and yet 24 hours a day i am thinking about this situation and how i fucked it up and how i could have done it differently and yknow how 3 weeks on things might be different if i WAS JUST NORMAL. this man has not given me 1 single thought since that night guaranteed and i am here doing this still fucking talking about it. insane behavior i feel like an actual psycho. idk yall im fucking stupid and broken :)

#oh looks its me using this website as my personal feelings diary what else is new #its just that this is the only place where no one knows me irl and i can type as much as i want #and sometimes it feels better to have the thoughts out of my brain #maybe one day i'll use tumblr for its intended purpose again but my brain is STRUGGLING lately so #this is so long and incomprehensible #and i feel like a fucking psycho #i need a lobotomy

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justanoutlawfic · 6 years

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Happy OQ Valentine’s Day!

So, this may be a complete wreck but I’d like to draw your attention to a few things before you read you’re present ;) 1. Im pretty sure I gave away my identity already because... 2. I’m working off my iPhone (it’s sad but it’s true lol) and... 3. Mobile Tumblr just refusesss to make things easy on me. 4. And also, I waited to write this last minute like most other things in my life. But aside from all that, I do hope you find even a tiny bit of enjoyment in this. Our beautiful sunken ship deserves a bit of light today ❤️ P.s. I’d love to write for you again in the future if you’re ever interested. HOPIN’ AND WISHIN’ AND PRAYIN’ (An Outlaw Queen fic) The shadows blanket the road this far out. They stretch from the tops of the evergreen trees and cast most of the road in darkness. Except for tonight, there are a few bright beams filtering down from the full moon in the sky. The only sounds come from the crickets and wildlife beyond the pines and it’s a solitary, lonely kind of peaceful. She’s made a habit out of coming here; slipping out just after Henry’s gone to sleep and spending a precious few hours hoping. Hoping for what, she isn’t quite sure. Maybe for the resolute acceptance of how things have turned out. For her heart to stop aching and move on already. Sometimes even, she’s loathe to admit, she wishes for a freak accident that would take Marian away and right the universe again. But mostly, she hopes he’ll appear out of thin air, grinning how he does, as he steps back into Storybrooke and into her life. She knows it won’t happen, that he might as well be in another realm altogether. She understands why he’s gone, respects it even, but it doesn’t keep her from peering out down the road and wondering where on the other side he could be tonight. The pavement is cool beneath her thin slacks but she likes sitting at the very edge where she can pretend the red line in front of her crossed legs is the only barrier keeping them apart. As if the two of them sit apart, the protection spell a curtain that only need be pulled back and they’d be face to face. She lifts the flask next to her and the moon beams off its shiny surface as she indulges in another sip. She’s not drunk, but the alcohol numbs things just enough, blurs the edges so she doesn’t actually cry. And it would be all to easy to let herself embrace her emotions and sob in self pity. He was supposed to be her second chance; her redemption for the awful woman she’d been—and he was, for however brief a time. His integrity made her better. His morals brought her back to that seventeen year old girl she once was. Just “Regina”, not “Her Majesty” or “The Evil Queen”. He saw the real Regina under all those layers of guilt and anger and regret. And perhaps what makes her feel more despondent than anything is that she’ll never get a third chance. She got so unexpectedly lucky with Robin. She didn’t deserve him to begin with, but only he could have been her soulmate. Only he could understand every sordid detail of her past and still have the audacity to not only love her, but choose her. Regina runs a hand through the front of her dark hair as she sighs. She misses him. She misses having another person unconditionally in her corner, misses not always feeling like the third wheel, misses the smell of damp earth and aged redwood. She wants to scream to the heavens, or this “author”, or whatever higher power there might be that it’s so unfair! Only she knows damn well how fair her pain is; how cosmic and condemned her story has read. It’s her punishment for choosing revenge when she could have chosen forgiveness. Daniel’s death was the great catalyst of her life. And while she knows there are many who let their grief morph into hatred, there had been another way. It would have been harder, maybe taken longer, but she might have come out the other side a better person; a hero. She won’t make that mistake again. While it feels just as bad as it had years ago, even worse actually; she cannot tarnish what Robin stood for, just to try to ease the ache. If anyone was undeserving, it was that man. He had made mistakes the same as any of them, sure, but he worked for his redemption. Robin had found a way to do what she never could. He turned his pain into purpose. A purpose full of love and selflessness and renewal. And now he’s been hurt once more, entangled in the web of her retribution; collateral damage for the penance she was paying. He had not known just what loving the Evil Queen would cost him, even if she had truly made a change. Yet, he had opted to accept the shit hand he was dealt and if only it weren’t for her he wouldn’t be hurting because of it. He might even be overjoyed to have his late wife back; his family reunited. She prays for that as she slowly pushes herself to her feet now. She decides it’s the only thing she can do to wish him well, Marian too. If only she could have granted him a memory spell before he’d gone so he could forget about the wreckage she’d brought into his heart. Of course, her thief would never have taken the easy way out. And Regina can’t help but to hold on to the thought of him remembering her, remembering the true, sacred, magical connection they shared. She suddenly has to lift her fingers to her face to brush away an errant tear. She will not feel sorry for herself, at least not anymore tonight. Staring out down the still, vacant road out of Storybrooke, she sniffles and squares her shoulders to reign in her emotions and she hopes above all else that Robin finds the kind of happiness she knows he deserves. This chapter of her story is closing, and she needs to let the dust settle on the pages and find a way to move on. If her heart is going to take it’s time mending, then she must stop her late night visits. She has a son at home and new, delicate friendships, and a town that seems forever under threat, and a population of people who she owes debts so great she may never repay them. But she must try. She turns on her heel and heads back to her silver benz parked just off the shoulder, opens the door and gives one last, longing gaze down the vacant road. In her mind, the protected barrier shimmers and parts and her handsome thief appears, Roland at his side, tiny hand clutched in his. Regina abandons the door, unconsciously letting her feet carry her forward a few paces. She let’s her eyes slip closed and smiles wide with the image of them behind her lids. “Regina”, he says. And it’s not until she reopens her eyes that it occurs to her the tone of his voice had not been quite right. “Regina!” As if awaking from a dream, her focus snaps back to reality and he’s still in front of her, rushing towards her more accurately, his arms outstretched. The the next moment she can feel him against her chest, can smell his woodsy scent right under her nose. “Oh thank God, Regina!”, he nearly cries in relief and it’s all she can do to catch her brain up to what’s happening. Maybe she’d had more to drink than she thought? He pulls out of the embrace, but doesn’t completely withdraw his touch. He must have sensed her shock, perhaps too overwhelmed to see her to notice she didn’t hug back. “Regina?” Her eyes scan over his body, willing herself to believe it’s really him, but they land instead on the dimple faced child grinning up at her. “Gina! We come to visit you!”, his little voice hits her ears and she raises her eyes back to Robin’s anxious gaze. The acceptance breaks around her and she throws her arms around his neck, afraid he might disappear. “Robin!” It’s the only thing she manages to say while she’s this overcome with emotions. He holds her back, just as tight and whispers her name quietly against her head and she finally finds her voice. “Wha—why—what are you doing here?”, she breathes in disbelief. Her hand falls to Roland’s head below and caresses his locks to finally acknowledge him, but she needs to grasp her current reality before she makes a fool of herself. “It’s Zelena”, he tells her with a bit of disdain, “We’re all in danger. I had to come back to warn you all, to help fight” He glances down at his now frightened son and lifts him into his right hip for a soothing hug while Regina blinks in confusion. “What are you talking about? Where is Mari—“ “We can’t talk about it now”, he cuts her off urgently, gesturing with a discreet nod to the boy in his arms. “Listen, I promise I will explain everything later. But we don’t have a lot of time to gather the others and make a plan”. He slides a gentle hand down her arm as if to assure her it’ll be alright despite his ominous warning. Roland wiggles in his grasp and his father sets him on his feet a moment before he bounds off a yard or two and squats down to examine a rock on the pavement. “I’m just so happy to see you, Regina”, Robin cups her cheek in his chilled palm, “didn’t think I would again”. His words rush off his tongue before his lips are pressed to hers, desperate and needy, fueled by the current perils only he knows they face and his all consuming love for her. It is a reunion kiss that can only come from resolutely believing they’d be separated permanently. Regina responds with all the heart she can muster, their lips moving fluidly together as if the last few weeks had not eclipsed. When they finally break for air they are both grinning like fools, foreheads resting together as their breathing falls in sync, and she swears she suddenly feels whole again, as if her arm had been missing and has just now been returned. She lets the feeling wash over her, soaks it in selfishly for a minute because she knows how fleeting this absolute contentment is now. There are still a thousand questions running through her head, a dark cloud churning and billowing over their little town and every life in it, but with Robin’s hand in her own things feel possible. She tightens her grip and they start toward her car, ushering Roland away from his picture in the dirt as they go. They let their hands slip apart to round the car and Robin opens the back so Roland can hop inside excitedly, insisting that he’s mastered belting himself in. Once he’s safely buckled and shut in, Robin pulls his handle but catches Regina’s eyes over the hood. They both have a flurry of emotions hidden in their expressions, but one sticks out above them all and Regina knows this one to be the only true importance in the world. “I love you”, Robin declares, the lines around his eyes wrinkled from the joy on his face. Her chest swells with such happiness that her dark eyes moisten with tears and she doesn’t care that her voice cracks when she finally speaks the words herself. “I love you”. Fin

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stephhannes · 3 years

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dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants.

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’).

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible.

and it was exhausting.

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured.

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.”

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby”

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back.

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted.

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever.

and then we’re back at february 2021.

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years.

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do.

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great!

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities.

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit”

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something.

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience.

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability.

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help.

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable”

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies.

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying.

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day).

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable.

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anothergirlrecovering · 6 years

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Lynn 81

I got there five minutes early and the door was locked so no one was at Lynn’s office yet so I actually walked across the parking lot and use the bathroom at one of the other offices. When I came back when was there and had her door open and invited me in. She said hey stranger and I said hey, if feels like it’s been so long and she was like I know and I was like well I guess it has been like 2 1/2 weeks and she was like yeah. She asked me how I was doing and as usual, I said I was good. I said I couldn’t believe that she hadn’t seen come from away and she was like you know I listen to music for at least one of the songs and he didn’t really like it that much so I wasn’t really pushing for it and the tickets were hard to get an expensive and I was like listen you just sought mean girls and she laughed and was like OK but that’s one of those shows that’s right in my wheelhouse and she said that she would see the show and I was like do you not like Irish sounding music and she was like well I don’t know I just didn’t like whatever song that I had listen to you very much and she Was like but I’ll go see it and I was like OK. She asked how my trip was and what we did and I told her about how my mom was just super nice the entire time and how we went and saw the Phantom of the opera and I didn’t really like it and that they had gone to dinner and how shocked I was that my mom had actually said that she would come back to my brothers apartment and watch the Tonys with me and Lynn was like well maybe since you put up some boundaries maybe your parents had to be nice and I was like I don’t now and she was like well I think that when you put boundaries up people have to learn how to respect them and you know at first it’s difficult but you’ve been doing this for a while and maybe that you taking this trip and staying with your brother and not them really show them that you are an adult and are setting boundaries and they are trying to respect them. She said anyone can be a nice person but they are going to act crazy when they have boundary issues but if you give them boundaries they might just be the nice people that they are and I was like yeah I guess so and I told her about how my mom did some of the typical controlling text about did I do this or that or where was I and what was I doing and I should go stay with my cousin and I should get my brothers girlfriends phone number and things that I was like what the heck I don’t need your advice I got this. I said I wish that I just didn’t have such an emotional response to it with feeling anxious and irritated. I told her also about how my mom‘s best friends daughter said that her mom gave her crap on Mother’s Day to and how she was saying that she thinks social media ruins the both of them and that they just sit there and compare everyone’s lives and I was like I can totally see that and I was like not that I’m glad that it happens to Marissa to and Lynn was like but you were glad to have it normalized and I was like yeah exactly was nice to know that I’m not the only one who’s mom is being bitchy and superficial and taking it out on me. I told her about our schedule and how on Saturday I woke up for the rush tickets and got there at 5:45 which Lynn was like oh my gosh that’s early and I was like you know but I got second row tickets and saw a great show for 38 bucks and Lynn was like yeah that’s really early and I was like it’s not a big deal and I said how I had to British people in line next to me around my age and we mostly just talked the whole time and then there was a doctor which I was like what the heck go home you don’t need rush tickets and she laughed and was like he’s being frugal and I was like no he just bought himself a studio apartment a block from the theater and has a house in New Jersey he doesn’t need a rush tickets and she laughed and was like maybe not. I told her about how I really liked my brother’s girlfriend and how I didn’t see her being controlling and crazy and if anything I saw my brother being more of the problem because he got that nasty attitude with her which was the same way that My husband said that I got nasty with him and it hit me how embarrassing and like obnoxious it was and I was like oh man and how I told my brother that my husband had talked to me about it and that it was something that I had to work on and I was like you don’t have to say anything back to that which he didn’t but I was like you know it’s embarrassing when dad gets nasty like that but it’s also embarrassing when we do it too and I told Lyn about how me and my dad got into some argument where it was like the first one was because I asked him what made him want to start a café coffee shop in New York City and I didn’t mean it like in a mean kind away implying like you fucked up, but that I was sincerely curious like you just got your degree as a culinary chef what would make you want to go the coffee café route but that he had gotten super defensive and nasty about it and went on and on about how I wouldn’t have wanted to know about it when I was younger and I was like I might not have wanted to know your financial advice about starting a café but I would have liked to know that you had one and he was just nasty about it and when we got to this bakery and my mom asked what kind of coffee you wanted I had jokingly said decaf because it was late at night and he got nasty about that to you and did the whole reverse psychology of like using things that I say and being like well you don’t like when people talk for you right? And you don’t like when people try to make decisions for you right? Why are you trying to do that for me and got all mad about it meanwhile I was just joking and I was like whatever and I was like to my mom he’s your problem if he has regular caffeinated coffee and can’t sleep later like you’re gonna have to deal with the complaining not me and she was like let’s be real he complains about everything and he’ll find a way to complain either way I am and I was like whatever. So Lynn gave me a long speech about men and how sensitive they are about being providers and their success and how I probably triggered something for him because maybe this felt like a failure for him and maybe that was his dream and I was like well his dream is to open his own deli and catering company and he did that and that did fail and she was like so what are you know about trauma and I was like it all runs together and she was like exactly so maybe talking about the café thing triggered some of those feelings of in adequacy and I was like yeah I guess so and she was like you’ll see it the more men that you work with it’s almost always going to be related to this feeling of not being a good enough provider or successful or a general weakness. She said to remind myself that it wasn’t really about me at all and that the more that I step into this adult role and not the child Rome it will be easier to step back and have compassion for him, not that it excuses his behavior towards you but that it makes it easier to step back and think how sad that he still carrying around stuff from the past like that. And I was like yeah I guess that’s true. She asked me if the arguments were keeping me up at night and I was like no honestly I kind of just sat there and was like what the F and she laughed and was like yeah that makes sense and I was like it was so stupid and I was like the thing that did kind of bother me honestly was actually with my brother. I explained how my brother and I get along really well but that one night when I was there he thought that I had gone to bed and I went back to go to the bathroom and I could smell that he was smoking weed like by himself in his bedroom with the lights out and so I talk to him about it the next day and he just kind of blew it off and didn’t really want to talk about it and just said that he smokes every night to go to bed and part of me was like you know I don’t really care if he smoking weed recreationally with friends and stuff but I was like I’m a little worried like are you OK if you feel like you need it to sleep every night? And she was kind of like yeah she was like so he’s actually smoking and not be a bang and I was like no it was definitely straight up weed and he acknowledged that it was and she was like oh OK and I was like yeah but he didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to push him or anything but I mean I hope he’s fine but at that point I’m like whatever and haven’t really thought about it too much since then. I explained how being at all of these shows did make me think that maybe I need to focus more on doing Mindfulness because I realize how often I was checking out and not really even paying attention and she was like in which shows and I was like literally all of them she was like even dear Evan Hanson and I was like exactly and she was like well theater does take a lot of attention and I think it’s normal to space out sometimes because for some reason it just seems like he doesn’t carry all the same stimuli that something like a movie does. She made a comment about how she is sensitive to sound and so when somebody’s like opening a rapper were fidgeting in their purse or something show is gets distracted and I was like yeah that’s really annoying but I guess what made me think that it was more of a mindfulness issue was that there is nothing distracting me except for my own brain checking out because it was literally just I’d be sitting there and then my mind would wander to thinking about things bothering me and she was like oh OK well you know what to do and I was like yeah I guess. I said also that would go hand-in-hand with my difficulty with sitting still and how much I fidget and I said how as a little kid I remember seeing lion King on Broadway and when it was over a lady behind me started yelling at me and saying how I ruined the show for her because I hadn’t sat still the entire time and Lynn laughed and was like May we need to reprocess that and I was like yeah maybe but I was like I think you know I fidget in movie theaters and when I’m just sitting at work and all these other places but I think it’s so much more noticeable and I get anxious about it in the theater because I’m sitting there worrying if I’m ruining everybody else’s experiences by not sitting still and Lynn pointed out that it’s hard to sit still for long time for most people and I was like no I think this is a little bit more but whatever she was still kind of like well maybe with some mindfulness you can decrease some of that and I was like yeah I hope so. She said that she has asked her daughter and her son if they ever get bored during shows when they are actually performing and she said that they were both like oh yeah for sure but you have it memorized so you have to kind of try to pay attention but she said that it’s apparently super normal and that her daughter is stressing her out because she will go backstage in between sets and be like face timing her and she’ll be like aren’t you supposed to be getting ready to go back on and she’s like oh yeah I need to go in a minute and Lynn was like oh my gosh what the heck like freaking out for her but she said it’s always fine but even they have trouble sometimes staying present in their own shows because it just becomes repetitive. She was like it sounds like you had a really fun trip though and I was like yeah I really did it was honestly like the first vacation in so long that I can remember just really having a good time and I don’t know if that was because I had more downtime where usually I am scrambling trying to pack everything in on a vacation or if it was just because I enjoy the people that I saw but it really was a good time. Lynn was like look at you being a theater person and I was like I know I’m catching up slowly. I said and also my husband and I might have bought a house and she was like wait what? And I was like yeah and she’s like well that’s exciting! She said congratulations and asked if I had pictures and I was like well just the ones on realtor.com but I think we are trying to wait until things are more finalized to get excited about it because right now I think we are anxious and she pointed out again that my husband is more of the worrier and more of the prone to anxious thoughts and I was like well he’s freaking out about whether or not we are overpaying and how some of the houses in the neighborhood were cheaper when they sold and I was like I mean we just don’t know if they needed a bunch of work because all of our house has been updated and based on the year these houses were all made they would have been due for upgrades in more recent years so it’s possible that they were sold before updates were made and I said how the backyard is smaller than we wanted but everything else about it really is good I mean it’s a big house and has everything else that we want to and she was like a basement and I was like OK stop it doesn’t have a basement and she laughed and I was like but we had excepted that a basement was something we would love but not a non-negotiable because it’s so hard to find houses in our area that even have basements and maybe one day when our budget is bigger we will find a home with a basement and she was like basically giving her house advice and she said how you know she has never found this perfect house and she still looking for and she joked and said that one of her friends has the perfect house and she wants them to sell it to her but her friends not moving LOL she said that they have owned three homes now because her husband owned one when they first got married and she said when they saw that she was pregnant with twins and she had found this one house that had a good bit of property to it and she said that it seemed like the perfect home and they really loved it and wanted it and it had been on the market for a while and when they put in an offer it turned out that you other people the same day had put in an offer and they actually got beat out and they were scrambling because she was pregnant and didn’t want her twins in the apartment and so they ended up hiring and taking a home that was in a neighborhood where the houses were close together like she didn’t want but she said it turned out to be the best thing because the neighborhood ended up being such a good neighborhood for their kids and how it was so community driven because the houses were close together and everybody knew each other and the kids always had somebody to play with and they would have like a Fourth of July parade where the kids would decorate their wagons and the fire department would come and she said basically that sometimes what you want isn’t the best because when she looks back at the original house that she thought was perfect their experience in that house would have been so different because it wouldn’t have had that community aspect and so she was like you know at least while your kids are little I think it’s really great to have that and she also pointed out that she was like I like the fact that if I were to scream in the middle the night my neighbors can probably hear me and I was like what? And she was like you know like if somebody broken or something and I was like you know? That’s not something I had ever even thought about LOL. Lynn was like well now you know. She said regarding the finances really just can’t ever predict anything regarding the housing market. She said that when they sold that first house they actually made a decent bit of money and they had invested it into a different house around 2008 right before the market crashed and I thought this was gonna be such a great investment and they put all this money into renovations on their current house and they were expecting that their current house would make them a bunch of money and it turns out she’s like based on the current market we won’t really make much at all and so she was like he really just can’t predict it so she was like I wouldn’t really try to base your decision off of that. I said the advice that was given to me was that it’s better to have the worst house in the best neighborhood then the best house in the worst neighborhood and she was like I completely agree. She said she has the cheapest house in her neighborhood but that it is such a good neighborhood and people will buy to be in that neighborhood and when she looks back at the different houses she was like you know if we had gotten that perfect home our kids would have been a different school and it’s possible that my kids would’ve never gotten involved with theater and their whole lives could’ve planned out so differently and she was like so it’s cool how it all works together and I was like well that’s nice. She said that she is hoping to downgrade and really wants a home with a basement so that way when people come over they could stay down there and she can have her space LOL which is such a Lynn thing to say but she was like with the kids moving out we don’t really need such a big house and she was like I would honestly be happy living in a condo I don’t like outdoor work and we just need something small and then we could just travel which is kind of our future goals is to really be doing more traveling well that’s nice. She said that’s exciting and she thinks it will all work out and I was like yeah we will see and I said I’m trying not to get excited yet until things are a bit more finalize like after the appraisal and she asked when we were close and I said July 20. At some point shebeought up washers and dryers and how hers are new and they’re always breaking and they just don’t make stuff to last anymore and for the money she’s put into repairs she could have just bought a new one. Also I told her about how I hadn’t really talk to my parents because I wanted to avoid those conversations because I know that they will ask me 1 million questions and pressure me and drive me nuts and I just didn’t want to deal with that so I actually have just been asking other adults that I know for advice and I said how I asked this other mom at my job for her suggestions and that it was helpful. Lynn was like look at you getting your needs met and I was like yeah I’m trying. She was like well next time I guess I will need to tell you about some of the protocols I learned that my training and I was like oh yeah that’s right and she was like a lot of it was really experiential. She said there was one that involves drawing and one that involves like rocks and kind of drawing upon positive experiences and she was like so pretty much drawing on the really good things and using it as a resource installation and I was like that’s gone she was like I think that that might be really good for you and that way when you have these experiences where your parents are being crabby you can draw upon those really positive memories and I was like that sounds good and she was like a lot of it was you know looking at the different parts and figuring out what’s still left and she was like because you know even with you she was like I see so much progress and things that have really gotten so much better cause she was like even looking at how this trip went for you and I was like yeah honestly this is the first time that I really remember like enjoying my time up there and she was like yeah and I think that’s because you set boundaries with your parents this time and she was hopeful that things will continue to be better with visits with them and I was like I hope so. She was like I think some of these activities that I learned in the training might be helpful in figuring out what’s still left because you’ve done a lot of work and I was like so you want me to be your guinea pig LOL and she was like hey I’ve use this with several people in the past few weeks and I’ve actually gone really well. She mentioned using rocks and symbolism and I was like I don’t know about that and she was like well I don’t like it in the training but then when I used it with people that actually worked well and I was like I think there’s definitely a subset of people who really likes symbolism and things and then there’s people like me who just don’t get into it and she was like yeah I don’t know I think that it still helpful in figuring out what is still left. She said that it’s about figuring out the different parts of yourself and I was like OK dick shorts and internal family systems and she was like yeah I definitely got the I FS I think that it still helpful in figuring out what is still left. She said that it’s about figuring out the different parts of yourself and I was like OK dick shorts and internal family systems and she was like yeah I definitely got the IFS vibe but it actually came from psycho drama and I was like oh good all Jason marina and she acted surprised I knew him and She was like yeah because he did a lot of sculpting with different parts and I was like yeah we learned a lot about him and my graduate program because he did a lot of that work with families so he was really one of the pioneers of family therapy when that was for us becoming a thing and she was like oh that’s right and I was like yeah so I think that they really cover that a lot in marriage and family therapy masters programs but not so much and other programs that are focused more on individuals and she was like yeah that makes more sense. She was like he can also even do it with the different eating is ordered parts and I was like oh man well if you can get rid of the eating disorder voice in my head I will try anything and she was like well it’s worth a shot I was like yeah that’s true. I was like you know in general it’s pretty manageable but at times of high stress and anxiety like right now with the whole house thing, it’s like all day long my brain is constantly obsessing over how I’m fat and it’s like I know the purpose of that is my brain trying to focus on my body because losing weight is within my control and I don’t really have any control over anything happening with the house but it just is so frustrating because it’s like even though I know that it doesn’t take away the voice from being there and she was like well maybe will be able to figure out where that voice is even coming from and process it and I was like I would be forever grateful and she was like so for scheduling she said she didn’t know if she would be there the week of July 4 and I was like that’s fine I’ll be going away anyway and she was like OK that’s easy so for the week after she was like I think I might only be there for part of the week and I was like OK and she was like well I know Monday and Tuesday are safe bet and I was like oh we can do one of those and she was like it’s just hard when I haven’t figured out which days yet I’m going to be there or not and I was like man you’re living the rough life Lynn, not sure which days you want to take an extended vacation again and she laughed and was like well it’s mostly just that I’m visiting my daughter and I was like oh yeah there’s that hard life coming out again and she laughed and was like well and I asked her if her daughter was up in New York for the summer and she said no her daughter was up in Chicago being bell in beauty in the beast and I was like oh that’s really cool and she was like yeah they’re super weird town outside of Chicago and I was like LOL beauty in the beast takes place in a weird little town so I guess that’s fitting and she was like I hadn’t even thought of that but I am she said it was a really good show though and that she had driven up there saw it and then ended up doing her training that weekend and then came back and then drove 12 hours with her parents in the car which now that I’m thinking about it I should’ve asked if I was her mom too but I believe it was her dad and I don’t know if she has stepmom but she was like yeah 12 hours in the car with your parents and you’ll start to realize things about yourself and about them and she said that she was sitting there like oh that’s where I get my road rage from and I couldn’t help but laugh because I was so not surprised that Lynnwood have road rage when people tail her. We scheduled and I paid and I headed out.

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groovyturtlepeach · 7 years

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Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain

Blank space: Great when it’s a song by Taylor Swift, not so great in content marketing.

No, wait. I already used that analogy. Now I need a clever new intro to this post about overcoming writer’s block and resetting your content brain. I’m staring at a white screen, trying to put words together, intimidated by all that blank space.

Hey, that’s like the Taylor Swift song… no, wait.

If you’re a content creator, the previous two paragraphs likely sound familiar. There are few things more intimidating to a writer than an empty page. Sometimes, despite your best efforts—the caffeine, the snacks, the just-right Spotify playlist—your content-creating brain just won’t turn over.

It’s almost like humans weren’t meant to sit at a desk in front of 1-3 huge monitors all day long, isn’t it?

But that doesn’t mean you have to quit your awesome content marketing job to hunt and gather in the woods. Instead, try these tips to get your brain back up to speed.

#1: Stimulate Your Senses

Most modern work environments are pretty antiseptic – neutral walls, no odors (except when Frank from Accounting microwaves popcorn), minimal sound. That kind of work space can dull your senses, making you feel groggy even after the morning cuppa.

A simple change in your mid-day snack can help wake up your brain. There’s a current fad of eating an orange in the shower that’s relevant here. Dig into an orange at your desk—use your fingernails to get under the peel, pry apart the segments, let each bit explode in your mouth. The aroma, the tactile sensation, the texture and flavor combine to shake off even the heaviest doldrum.

If oranges don’t do it for you, try essential oils…or Play-Doh…or a combination of the two. Whatever invigorates as many senses as possible. (Pro-Tip: Play-Doh does not taste as good as it looks.)

#2: Lock Out Social Media

Everyone gives into the siren call of social media every now and then. As marketers, we’re more susceptible than most. We can always semi-justify checking our feeds as part of the job. When you’re feeling stuck on content creation, it’s easy to slide over to Facebook and scroll for a while.

But when you’re feeling creatively burnt out, social media is worse than a time waster—it’s only going to sink you deeper into a stupor. You’ll sit and passively consume an endless parade of content, fewer and fewer neurons firing. It’s a surefire way to be even more behind by the end of the day.

So try to steer clear of procrastination sites like Facebook and Twitter. If, like me, you find social media irresistible, try a program like StayFocusd or Focus to keep you honest.

#3: Move a Little

Ideally, when you start to feel sluggish and uncreative, you could get up and take a walk. Get out in nature, or into your local coffee shop, and enjoy a fresh perspective and a little physical activity. But weather doesn’t always permit that option—and some bosses aren’t keen on it, either.

If you can’t get out, at least get moving a bit. I have an under-desk elliptical machine that I use throughout the day. Using it makes me feel more alert and helps fight the post-lunch crash (and as a side effect, I’ve lost 15 pounds). If your budget doesn’t allow for something that elaborate, even a simple fidget cube can help.

#4: Drink Cold Water

I’ve said this before—as one of my 10 daily habits for powerful content—but it bears repeating. We’re all a little dehydrated, all the time. That lack of water can make your head ache, and make you feel hungry, anxious, irritable, sluggish, and worse. Keep a reusable water bottle on your desk and keep it full.

For maximum wake-up potential, don’t skimp on the ice. Really cold water helps wake up your senses (a la point 1) and keep you energized.

#5: Reconnect with Your Audience

One major cause of content ennui is losing sight of the bigger picture. It’s easy to think of work, even creative work, as “I get empty bucket, I fill bucket with words, I send it off.” It can feel like you’re dealing in a bulk commodity, rather than creating something useful and valuable for your audience.

Take a few minutes and listen to the voices of the people you’re trying to help. Ask your customer service team what frequently asked questions they’re receiving. Ask Sales what problems their prospects experience. Visit online communities, read reviews, check out blogs from your target audience.

Listening to your audience will help you properly value your own work—and it will help make your content more relevant, too.

Don’t Give In to the Sadness, Artax

Creative work like writing awesome content can be challenging. Sometimes everything from the work environment to our own bodies seems to be working against us. It takes a conscious effort to snap out of the doldrums, re-engage your senses, and go back to work with a renewed sense of purpose.

Still feeling stuck? Take a minute to laugh with these 20 Jokes Only a Marketer Could Love. Or try these tools for writing better blog posts.

Gain a competitive advantage by subscribing to the TopRank® Online Marketing Newsletter.

The post Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

Joshua Nite http://www.toprankblog.com/wp-content/uploads/Restart-your-content-brain.jpg

0 notes

williamgreen533 · 7 years

Text

Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain

Blank space: Great when it’s a song by Taylor Swift, not so great in content marketing.

Hey, that’s like the Taylor Swift song… no, wait.

It’s almost like humans weren’t meant to sit at a desk in front of 1-3 huge monitors all day long, isn’t it?

But that doesn’t mean you have to quit your awesome content marketing job to hunt and gather in the woods. Instead, try these tips to get your brain back up to speed.

#1: Stimulate Your Senses

#2: Lock Out Social Media

So try to steer clear of procrastination sites like Facebook and Twitter. If, like me, you find social media irresistible, try a program like StayFocusd or Focus to keep you honest.

#3: Move a Little

#4: Drink Cold Water

For maximum wake-up potential, don’t skimp on the ice. Really cold water helps wake up your senses (a la point 1) and keep you energized.

#5: Reconnect with Your Audience

Listening to your audience will help you properly value your own work—and it will help make your content more relevant, too.

Don’t Give In to the Sadness, Artax

Still feeling stuck? Take a minute to laugh with these 20 Jokes Only a Marketer Could Love. Or try these tools for writing better blog posts.

Gain a competitive advantage by subscribing to the TopRank® Online Marketing Newsletter.

The post Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

Joshua Nite http://www.toprankblog.com/wp-content/uploads/Restart-your-content-brain.jpg

0 notes

christopheruearle · 7 years

Text

Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain

Blank space: Great when it’s a song by Taylor Swift, not so great in content marketing.

Hey, that’s like the Taylor Swift song… no, wait.

It’s almost like humans weren’t meant to sit at a desk in front of 1-3 huge monitors all day long, isn’t it?

But that doesn’t mean you have to quit your awesome content marketing job to hunt and gather in the woods. Instead, try these tips to get your brain back up to speed.

#1: Stimulate Your Senses

#2: Lock Out Social Media

So try to steer clear of procrastination sites like Facebook and Twitter. If, like me, you find social media irresistible, try a program like StayFocusd or Focus to keep you honest.

#3: Move a Little

#4: Drink Cold Water

For maximum wake-up potential, don’t skimp on the ice. Really cold water helps wake up your senses (a la point 1) and keep you energized.

#5: Reconnect with Your Audience

Listening to your audience will help you properly value your own work—and it will help make your content more relevant, too.

Don’t Give In to the Sadness, Artax

Still feeling stuck? Take a minute to laugh with these 20 Jokes Only a Marketer Could Love. Or try these tools for writing better blog posts.

Gain a competitive advantage by subscribing to the TopRank® Online Marketing Newsletter.

The post Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

0 notes

groovyturtlepeach · 7 years

Text

Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain

Blank space: Great when it’s a song by Taylor Swift, not so great in content marketing.

Hey, that’s like the Taylor Swift song… no, wait.

It’s almost like humans weren’t meant to sit at a desk in front of 1-3 huge monitors all day long, isn’t it?

But that doesn’t mean you have to quit your awesome content marketing job to hunt and gather in the woods. Instead, try these tips to get your brain back up to speed.

#1: Stimulate Your Senses

#2: Lock Out Social Media

So try to steer clear of procrastination sites like Facebook and Twitter. If, like me, you find social media irresistible, try a program like StayFocusd or Focus to keep you honest.

#3: Move a Little

#4: Drink Cold Water

For maximum wake-up potential, don’t skimp on the ice. Really cold water helps wake up your senses (a la point 1) and keep you energized.

#5: Reconnect with Your Audience

Listening to your audience will help you properly value your own work—and it will help make your content more relevant, too.

Don’t Give In to the Sadness, Artax

Still feeling stuck? Take a minute to laugh with these 20 Jokes Only a Marketer Could Love. Or try these tools for writing better blog posts.

Gain a competitive advantage by subscribing to the TopRank® Online Marketing Newsletter.

The post Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

Joshua Nite http://www.toprankblog.com/wp-content/uploads/Restart-your-content-brain.jpg

0 notes

groovyturtlepeach · 7 years

Text

Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain

Blank space: Great when it’s a song by Taylor Swift, not so great in content marketing.

Hey, that’s like the Taylor Swift song… no, wait.

It’s almost like humans weren’t meant to sit at a desk in front of 1-3 huge monitors all day long, isn’t it?

But that doesn’t mean you have to quit your awesome content marketing job to hunt and gather in the woods. Instead, try these tips to get your brain back up to speed.

#1: Stimulate Your Senses

#2: Lock Out Social Media

So try to steer clear of procrastination sites like Facebook and Twitter. If, like me, you find social media irresistible, try a program like StayFocusd or Focus to keep you honest.

#3: Move a Little

#4: Drink Cold Water

For maximum wake-up potential, don’t skimp on the ice. Really cold water helps wake up your senses (a la point 1) and keep you energized.

#5: Reconnect with Your Audience

Listening to your audience will help you properly value your own work—and it will help make your content more relevant, too.

Don’t Give In to the Sadness, Artax

Still feeling stuck? Take a minute to laugh with these 20 Jokes Only a Marketer Could Love. Or try these tools for writing better blog posts.

Gain a competitive advantage by subscribing to the TopRank® Online Marketing Newsletter.

The post Feeling Stuck? 5 Tips to Restart your Content-Creating Brain appeared first on Online Marketing Blog - TopRank®.

Joshua Nite http://www.toprankblog.com/wp-content/uploads/Restart-your-content-brain.jpg

0 notes