#except mickey says a dumb joke

[therealeagal]

Rating Disney films

I'm waiting on an event that will occur in my approximate future, so while I wait I thought I would kill time with a rating of some Disney movies. What a lark! But before we begin:

Item: The scale will be F, D, C, B, A. Normally I would consider C to be the base starting point, but since Disney is a heartless mega-conglomerate that would sell orphan souls if they thought there was a market for it, I'm sorry to say that every film is automatically docked a point, so we're starting at D.

Item: I'm only going to cover the ones I've seen, and only the ones from pretty recently. The last ten years, let's say. Otherwise we'll be here all day and I probably will have got shit to do.

Ok, let's go.

Frozen. Elsa and Anna and their hangs-on that no one really cares about. Good music. Idina Menzel? Holy shit I got it right on the first try. Go me! Idina is a great singer, so that bumps Frozen up a notch. Great animation, except for that one bit during Let It Go where Elsa's ponytail phases through her arm, but I guess I'll...let it go. Eh? Eh? Come on admit it, that was funny. A dumb subversion of true love, but then an interesting subversion of the subversion so I'll give it a point. But then there's...everything else. Preventable conflict, forgettable everyone that isn't Elsa and Anna, stupid character decisions, a twist villain who has literally no reason to exist and who is not connected to the central conflict in any way whatsoever. It's the works. Also, I'm told there's some debate over whether the side character Oaken is married to a man or woman. The art style makes it hard to tell. Normally I'd give it a point but since this is Disney, I'm going to file that under "Gay reference so that Disney gets bonus points but it was super minor so that Disney can easily edit it out for international releases in countries that hate the LGBT community". Which loses it a point instead.

Final score: F. Oh yeah. Coming out of the gate swinging. I wonder how much hate I'll get for that.

Big Hero 6. Hiro Hamada and the rest. No musical numbers, but it does have Baymax and jokes about puberty, which are...funny I guess. I guess. It does have a twist villain, but that's a gimme. He's a supervillain. Would Norman Osbourn be half the villain without being the father of Peter Parker's best friend? It loses a point because Hiro's older brother was too good to deserve being Uncle Bened. I wish my brother was as cool as Tadashi was. And that he was also Uncle Bened. I'll trade my brother for superpowers. See if I won't.

Final score: B. SO close.

Zootopia. The furry movie. I saw it. It didn't turn me into a furry any more than 90 years of Mickey Mouse did. Maybe I oughta dock it a point for that. Good story, entertaining leads, entertaining side characters. Catchy music. But it had a twist villain. Get some new material, guys.

Final score: B. Almost got it.

Moana. Good movie. Good characters. Good music. Who knew Dwayne Johnson could sing? No twist villain. Actually, there's a twist hero. Double points for that.

Final score: A. Huzzah! We finally got an A!

Coco: Ah, Coco. Good movie. Good music. Good characters. I will dock a point for preventable conflict, but righting former wrongs makes up for it. Very heartwarming. Double points for heartwarming. Also, another M. Rivera journeys to the Land of the Dead in search of his ancestors. And Imelda is voiced by the same actress that did Manny Rivera. I wonder if that was intentional.

Final score: A.

Incredibles 2. The first Incredibles missed the cutoff. Oops. It's a sequel so...ehhhhh. Another twist villain, but it's a supervillain so normally it wouldn't count, but the villain has no personal connection to Helen and only second-hand connection to Bob, so fuck Screenslaver. Overall, doesn't really stand out.

Final score: D. Ehhhhhhhhhh...

Live Action Aladdin. An acquaintance of mine she got super thirsty over Mena Massoud, so I'll give him double points. Will Smith did...ok I guess. I guess. I liked Jasmine's new song tho.

Final score. Ehhhhhhh...I wanna give it a good score, but I really can't give it better than a C. I'm sorry Mena and Naomi! Forgive meeeeeeeeeeee!

Live Action The Lion King. Yeah...no...

Final score: F. Not even Beyonce could save it. I think I may have committed a crime against humanity by saying that...

Frozen II. A sequel...ehhhhh...good story I guess. I guess. Good music, I will concede. New characters are forgettable and Elsa didn't get a girlfriend. I don't think it had a real conflict? Question mark? Just righting past wrongs wasn't it? I forget. Assuming there were no villains, because otherwise I'd have to dock a point for forgettable villains.

Final score: C. +2 -1. Hey at least it's not an F. I wonder how much hate I'll get for rating the sequel higher.

Onward. Troll brothers, one's a nerd, the other's a slacker. It's actually quite good. Don't remember the music, so it doesn't get any points. It had a "token acknowledgement of a gay character that can be easily edited out for international" so that's a minus.

Final score:

Luca. Another good movie. Very heartwarming. There is some debate over whether this movie counts as "Young boys discovering their sexuality but only in the vaguest possible terms so that it can be easily rewritten for international" or just "Young friends that is only homoerotic if you squint and maybe audiences are reading a little too much into it". And I mean, I could see it. I'm not that good at squinting and I can see it. I'll give you that it's possible. I don't necessarily think it's probable, but I'll take the point anyway because Disney's not dumb, just evil. They knew.

Final score: B.

Ron's Gone Wrong. Being honest, I was totally unaware that this was Disney. I saw the dvd at Wal-Mart and thought it looked cute. Which it is. Very heartwarming friendship. And the kids that the kid wants to be friends with turn out to be good kids and not little shits at all.

Final score: B.

Encanto. Another good one. I have to dock it a point for more preventable conflict, but otherwise, great characters, great music, great story, great ending, great family. Great Scott, have we got another A?

Final score: Yep, it's an A.

Lightyear. Really? This is the movie that Andy saw? But this Buzz acts nothing like that Buzz! Twist villain, token acknowledgement of a gay character that can be easily edited out for international. I mean, I liked it. I like Buzz and I like Alisha and I like Izzy and I like Sox, but is that enough?

Final score: B. -3 +4. I preferred the animated series.

Strange World. Didn't finish it. Stopped halfway and got sidetracked by something else and never got around to picking it back up, but it does have a gay secondary character in the main character's son and I seem to recall he gets a recurring subplot about how fit the guy he likes is.

Final score: Ah heck, let's give it an A just because the gay character wasn't of the "easily edited out for international" variety.

Elemental. Loved this movie. Very heartwarming. I say that a lot. It's Disney. What do you expect? Technically it does have a preventable conflict, but the preventableness is central to the story, so that's a gimme.

Final score: A.

Wish: Bending the rules, because I haven't seen it but I hope to some time soon. I'll be optimistic and wish upon a star that this movie gets all the points.

Final final score: A. Huzzah!

In closing if you don't agree with my ratings, or with the reasons I have given for the ratings, you are, of course, entitled to your own opinions, but I don't want to hear it so find someone else to whinge at.

Please and thank you. :)

#disney #disney movies #frozen #frozen 2 #big hero 6 #luca #coco #moana #zootopia #elemental disney #wish disney #strange world #lightyear disney #encanto #ron's gone wrong #onward #live action aladdin #live action lion king

[sylviareviar]

I wonder if King Mickey has ever said "Donald, I order you to chill!"

I think he has. And I think that's probably become an inside joke in Disney Castle. Anytime Donald acts out, ever since King Mickey said those words, now everyone says it. Daisy @ Donald when he gets angry over something, "Donald, seriously, I order you to chill." Goofy... is too kind and also impish to say that, he just laughs and plays dumb. Sora, when he learns of the joke, probably abuses it the most, making Donald the angriest out of anyone else in the castle. Pete tries it once and Sora immediately clobbers him. "No one talks to Donald like that except me and the King." And more people, but like, he's not gonna amend his cool-sounding statement to make it accurate.

Anyway, who else is in the "Donald I order you to chill" gang? Just me? Yeah, that's what I thought...

#sylvia speaks #kingdom hearts #trinity trio

[gardenerian]

watching fiona’s hos 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

#i have not seen a single opinion on it so #except mickey says a dumb joke? #sounds about right

[thevioletjones]

Congrats on the kudos, u deserve it! I did not undestand if I'm supposed to choose one of the lines for the prompt or if I have to combine two or more lines lol. But if it is to choose only one: number 5. If more than one: 5 and 45. *---*

Thank you! I used both. Great inspiration, actually. It spun out of control! 😀

Prompt 2: “How much of that did you hear?” + “Why are you helping me?”

Interloper

“Jesus, Iggy, I’m gonna fuckin’ murder you myself one of these days,” Mickey threatened in exasperation.

They were both leaning over, hands on knees, gasping for air, just having run full-speed for at least twelve blocks. The pillars beneath the L tracks were now providing the mild seclusion they needed to wait out a cursory police search of the area.

“Ain’t my fault!” Iggy exclaimed defensively.

Mickey’s face scrunched up to a degree that only his dumbest family members could make it reach. “Yes it fuckin’ was! Who else’s fault would it be?”

He’d always kind of wondered how he was the only one in his crap-ass family to be gifted with at least half a brain. Well, him and his younger sister, Mandy. She was alright. Skanky and crazy, but not a total idiot. He couldn’t say the same for his brothers, male cousins, father, uncle, etcetera. Mickey couldn’t even get his begrudgingly favorite brother to follow a simple goddamn plan that would’ve kept them out of trouble when they were out committing crimes. He was just gonna have to start doing everything himself. Safety in numbers didn’t apply when the other member of your team seemed to have been lobotomized when no one was paying attention. It was probably all the meth. Mickey was smart enough to stay away from that particular bullshit. Didn’t want to become a scabby, denture-wearing, toothpick skinny, low-life with no mind left to lose. He was content to stick to coke and weed like a normal person.

“That old bitch came outta nowhere! Self-defense!”

“It ain’t self-defense if you’re robbin’ the joint, numbnuts! We’re lucky you fuckin’ missed!”

If he had it his way, Mickey wouldn’t be doing these petty robberies anymore. He much preferred bigger jobs, like gun and drug running. But times were tough, and he had to do what he had to do. He’d even considered getting a legit job for once in his life, but the skills he possessed weren’t exactly easily adaptable to the straight and narrow path. Being a criminal was how he was raised, and all he knew. It brought heat, but it was still a comfortable fit. Living without the constant presence of major risk would probably feel so foreign as to drive him crazier than a meth addiction in the long run.

The job Mickey’d lined up involved hitting up a few different borderline upmarket stores that’d opened up in their neck of the woods since the gentrifiers had set upon The Yards, then selling the goods to a guy he knew in the online black market trade. Not as lucrative as heavy metal and funny powder, but a decent payday nonetheless. Except fuckface over here who had to ruin everything by getting trigger-happy on Main while they were attempting to heist merchandise from location number two of three. If the pigs nabbed either one of them, they’d be going down for at least five to ten. Years. Mickey was done donating years to the prison industrial complex. The most he could afford was months at best.

“When’d you turn into such a giant asshole?” asked Iggy. “Oh, nevermind, probly when you started gettin’ it railed on the reg.”

A giant smile stretched across his perpetually dirty face, causing Mickey’s eyebrows to lift dangerously high on his forehead. Occasionally, his dumber-than-rocks older brother managed to think up some admittedly clever asides. Mickey didn’t know whether to punch him or give him daps.

Before he could decide, however, he heard a distinct little snicker from the other side of the large concrete column they were leaning on, raising his hackles to invisibly join his eyebrows in their heightened incredulity.

Mickey hastily rounded the pillar and grabbed the giggler by the shirt collar, hauling him to their side and pinning him next to Iggy with his forearm. He looked into the guy’s eyes, and finally registered who it was. He kinda sorta knew him from around town. Used to hang out with his sister back in high school. He was a lot scrawnier then. This version of the dude could probably hold his own with Mickey in a fight. He’d built some definite muscle.

“How much of that did you hear, asshole?” Mickey demanded, seeing Iggy flash the gun in his waistband in his periphery.

This idiot didn’t look as rattled as he should be, though. He just shrugged his shoulders.

“Considering I was here first, I guess… all of it?”

He was wearing an annoying little smirk, his green-blue eyes shining bright, and his red hair distracting Mickey as much as the light dusting of freckles across his nose and cheeks. He had a stupidly ultra-defined chin, and Mickey immediately hated it. His chin hadn’t looked like that when he was a 15-year-old pipsqueak.

“Wipe that smile off your face, bitch,” ordered Mickey, pressing his arm harder against the guy’s pale throat. “You think this is fuckin’ funny? You know who we are?”

The guy shrugged again, like this was all a casual conversation on the corner. “Mickey.” He glanced at his dumb, blonde, curlicue brother. “And Iggy, right? I used to hang out with Mandy all the time. Have a good memory.”

“Yeah? Well I remember your goofy ass too, Gallagher. I know where you live and I know who your family is, so if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your big mouth shut or I’ll pick ‘em off one by one and save you for last. Got it?”

The dude snorted, and Mickey wondered if he was some kind of crazy tweaker with no sense of propriety or self-preservation.

“You outta your goddamn mind or somethin’?” Mickey added. “I ain’t jokin’.”

“Look, Gallaghers don’t snitch, alright?” He held his hands up placatingly. “I promise not to say shit to anyone. It’s none of my business, and I really don’t care. That good enough for you?”

Mickey loosened his hold, but sized him up all the while. “Maybe. But it’s possible you need a little lesson to remember it good. Wouldn't want you to forget about the consequences of you breakin’ your word.”

The dude winced and shoved Mickey off. “I don’t need a fucking beatdown, Mickey. I get it.”

“Ohhhh,” Mickey singsonged derisively, meeting Iggy’s gaze. “He gets it.” He thumbed his eyebrow. “Guess I’m just s’posed to believe you, huh?”

“That would be ideal, yeah.”

Mickey had to give it to him; he almost cracked a smile. The kid had balls. Most people around their neighborhood cowered before a Milkovich like spring lambs. Still, he lived by a code, and letting some rando walk away unscathed when he had dirt on him just didn’t fit the rules.

He cocked his fist back to knock it into tall, pale, and red’s pearly white teeth, just as the stunted siren of a cop car rang out very close by. Their collective heads all snapped toward the sound, and after sharing a meaningful look between brothers, Iggy took off running once again, without a word.

Normally, Mickey would’ve followed hot on his heels, but some unknown force was keeping his useless feet stuck to the dirty ground, eyes watching as Gingerballs glanced around the column at the flashing lights, taking a very long look that wasn’t suspicious at all.

Before he could react outwardly, Mickey was pulled against a hard body, Gallagher’s warm breath sending a shiver down his spine as he whispered, “Be cool. I got you.”

Suddenly, big hands were caressing Mickey’s back, and despite a part of him not minding in the least, the rest of him stiffened considerably.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he rasped out, hearing the telltale slam of a car door, and attempting to pull away. But a strong grip held him close, spinning him around so that he was the one up against the concrete now.

“Saving your thug ass. I know this guy, okay? Just chill and follow my lead.”

Okay, what the hell was this surreal turn of events? Gallagher was bold as shit, cradling Mickey all gay like. Sure, Iggy had made a fag joke earlier, kicking off this whole… whatever it was, but still. This guy had no way of knowing it was based in reality. Did he?

And had Gallagher really been gay this whole time? How had Mickey never sniffed this scorching information out?

“What’s going on here, boys?”

The copper rounded the corner, genuinely swinging his nightstick like a cartoon character, and Mickey had to suppress a deep roll of his eyes.

“Milkovich?” Mr. CPD continued, extreme disbelief coloring his voice.

Mickey was abruptly reminded that he was currently stuck between a rock and a hard body, and nothing about their entanglement screamed anything other than gay, gay, super-fucking-gay. Not that Mickey hadn’t come to accept who he was and what he liked, but he didn’t go around spreading the truth all over town either. This could seriously damage his carefully crafted reputation.

“Tony!” Ian interjected, sparing him from having to invent some lame excuse, and the cop’s eyes snapped to him instead.

“Ian?” His tone was still dripping with astonishment.

“Yeah! What's up? How you been?”

Mickey shot him an ‘are you goddamn serious right now?’ look, and Ian just squeezed his hip in tacit reply.

“Uhhh… gooood? Care to explain whatever…” he waved his stick between them, “this is?”

Ian laughed and he figured the dude truly was a nutcase. Mickey was going to jail for sure.

“Um, well,” answered Ian, suddenly playing it very meek and demure, “Mickey and I were just… you know…”

“You and… Mickey?”

“Not fucking or anything! Just... hanging out?”

“Hanging out.”

“Yeah, you know how it is. I’m tryin’ to convince Mick here to come home with me, but he’s being squirrelly.” He shook his head and shrugged. “South Side guys.”

“What the fuck?” Mickey whispered harshly, completely taken aback.

Ian just squeezed him tightly again, which was not helping his whole brain scramble situation.

“Huh,” said Tony, a tone of acceptance seeping in. “Mickey Milkovich, eh? Wow.”

“Come on, Tony. I don’t have to tell you this is all a big secret, do I?” replied Ian.

“And blondie who ran away like there was a damn fire? Did he flee a threesome?”

Mickey frowned and fake-wretched, finally speaking up. “Fuck no, man. That was my dumbass brother. He don’t like cops.”

“Uh huh. And you and your brother didn’t happen to be getting into trouble about 15 minutes ago, did you?”

“No sir,” Mickey said with a mock salute.

Ian kicked at his foot in warning.

“He’s been with me since like 3 o’clock, Tone. Scout’s honor.”

Officer Tony eyed them both with a look of skepticism, but didn’t contradict Ian’s word. The CB sounded from the open window of the black and white, with some cop-speak crackling over the airwaves.

“Stay put,” said Tony, eyes lingering longer on Mickey’s than Ian’s. “Both of you.”

He retreated to answer the radio call, and Mickey let out a deep whoosh of air.

“Goddamn, Gallagher. You’re spinnin’ quite a yarn here.”

“Yep,” Ian agreed. “A big gay yarn.”

“How the fuck did you know—”

“That you’re gay? Well, I heard Iggy make that joke, obviously. Pretty specific bottom joke to make if you weren’t actually into it. Plus, I always had my suspicions.”

Mickey scoffed. “Yeah fuckin’ right!”

“I did!”

“Whatever. Why are you helping me?”

“Out of the kindness of my heart?”

“Try again.”

“I don’t know. Why not? Makes us even or something. Now you know I won’t rat you out. About any of it. I wouldn’t out someone like that, and I don’t give a shit about the illegal crap you’re wrapped up in. Tony Markovich is like turbo gay too. Used to bang my sister, I think, but he came out a couple years ago. He won’t let it slip about you. He’s not a total bastard just cuz he’s a cop, ya know?”

Mickey bit his lip in contemplation. Gallagher seemed pretty genuine. Still didn’t much make sense in his brain, but whatever.

“Fine. But you know what’s gonna happen if—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, kick my ass, kill my family, got it.”

“You’re a cocky little shit, ain’t you?”

Ian smirked again, and it was pretty sexy, actually. “Maybe.”

He had the gall to push against Mickey more fully, pressing the bottom halves of their bodies closer together.

Mickey gasped. “Gonna have to ask you again… what the hell do you think you’re doin’?”

“You wanna go out sometime?”

Mickey cackled in his face. “You’re off your fuckin’ rocker for sure.”

“Am not! I can tell you want me.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ. Cocky little shit doesn’t even begin to cover it, does it?”

“Come onnnn,” Ian prodded.

“Do I look like I date, Gallagher?”

“A date can be whatever we want it to be, Milkovich. I’m easy.”

“Yeah, I bet you are.”

“Okay,” Tony interrupted, coming back into view. “Get the hell outta here. You wanna bang, do it indoors somewhere, or I’ll have to arrest you for public indecency or worse. And Milkovich… if I find any evidence of what I’m sure you know I’m talking about, I’ll be paying your ass a visit real soon.”

Mickey let the eyeroll loose then, withholding a flip of his middle finger, and deadpanning instead, “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, officer.”

Tony sighed loudly. “Whatever.”

“Thanks, Tony!” Ian cried at his retreating back.

“You always kiss cop ass like that? Cuz that’s not the way to get into my pants, Red.”

Ian just grinned, finally pulling his body away as he looked around. “You gonna follow me home or what?”

Mickey wanted to tell him to go fuck himself and swagger away like a badass. But was he not a thirsty man being propositioned by a hot guy who just randomly saved his ass from a trip to the slammer?

He at least feigned protest, huffing and puffing as he kicked at the dirt. “Goddamn it, Gallagher, you drive a hard bargain.”

Ian’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, as Mickey added, “Lead the way, weirdo.”

#ian x mickey #fanfic #gallavich #fanfiction #asks #answers

[lamesiscanon]

Snowman

Day 15 of @remus-john-lupin holiday prompt list. This one is sad and angsty :(

TW: death, loss of a loved one, first Christmas without a loved one, brief mention of alcohol abuse.

The sun was warm in the sky, and Remus’ body was warm in his arms as they cuddled atop the picnic blanket. Seagulls flew over their heads with wings spread against the wind as they called to each other. Some landed on the sand just a few feet from the couple and fed off of the bread and vegetable scraps Sirius had thrown to them earlier. The moment was paradise. Sirius’ vision was hazy for some reason, but it was perfect nonetheless. 

Remus laughed when Sirius leaned down to whisper in his ear, though Sirius couldn’t remember what he said. Probably some dumb joke about the guy they had met at the market earlier, or about something stupid James had done that morning. Whatever Sirius did say, though, didn’t matter as much as Remus’ laugh ringing from his lips like a bell. That laugh that made Sirius feel like he was home. 

“I love you.” Sirius said, leaning back so he could make eye contact with his fiancé. He expected the words to be returned, or to get a kiss. Instead, Remus’ eyes turned sad. 

“I love you too baby.” Remus whispered, hands moving to cup his chin. Sirius was baffled as to why he couldn’t feel the warmth of Remus’ hands on his face. “But you need to let me go now.”

Sirius furrowed his brow, looking at Remus like he had grown a second nose. “What are you talking about, Rem?”

Remus sighed, his eyes looking pained and sad, though it didn’t stop him from slowly fading away. Sirius tried to hold on tighter. “Rem what’s going on?” 

 Remus leaned in then, kissing Sirius on the lips even though it lacked its usual warmth. Sirius closed his eyes anyway, confused but still in love with these moments. When the lips pulled away, Sirius kept his eyes closed and smiled to himself. 

“I miss you. So much.” 

Sirius tried to laugh, thinking it was a joke.

“What are you talking about? I’m right here.”

Though when Sirius opened his eyes, he wasn’t on a beach with Remus, basking in the warm summer sun that would put a tan line on each of their ring fingers. No, Sirius was home in bed and Remus was gone. He had been for 4 months. 

This part was always hell. Sirius dreamed about Remus every night, whether it was a memory of one of their old dates, or they time they got engaged. Once, he had dreamt of the wedding that never happened. When Sirius woke up after that one, he didn’t get out of bed for six days. Every dream ended the same way. Sirius told Remus he loved him, and Remus begged Sirius to let him go.

The crying always came next. Sirius would lay numb in their bed, staring at Remus’ cold pillow as tears ran from his eyes. His face and body lay motionless, letting the salt water wet his pillow until there was no more to let out. Sirius did the same thing every morning for the past four months and it still didn’t get easier. 

James came by most days. At first it was to force Sirius to actually eat something and then force a cup of water, or really, anything that wasn’t alcohol down Sirius’ throat. Now though, James came by so they could both grieve together. And it hasn’t been any easier since the first week. They didn’t always say anything. Sometimes they sat on the couch and held each other while they cried, sometimes they were both too numb to do anything but sit and stare at the floor. Still, it was a comfort when James came by. He always knew what Sirius needed. 

The knock on the door got Sirius to stand up, forcefully tearing his gaze from the empty pillow on the other side of the bed. Sirius didn’t know if it still smelled like Remus or if it was just his mind making up things to help him cope. There was no need to get dressed, since Sirius was still in the same sweats and sweatshirt as yesterday. The knocking got more insistent. 

Sirius shuffled through the house and opened the door to see James carrying a box with him. One that was wrapped in white and gold paper. 

“Hey.” James said. 

“Hey.”

Sirius moved to let James in, who walked past to set the box down next to the couch and then was back out the door before it could shut. Lily came in next, carrying two small gifts stacked on top of each other, and then she, too, went back out the door without a word. Sirius watched silently from the sidelines, his bestfriends going back and forth from the couch and back out the door. Each time they brought more boxes wrapped in colorful paper. 

“What’s going on?” Sirius finally asked, as James and Lily settled themselves on the couch and started sorting the boxes into three separate piles. 

“Well you didn’t think we’d let you spend Christmas by yourself, did you?” Lily asked, throwing a tiny box wrapped in green paper onto the beanbag by the fireplace. 

Sirius was genuinely confused. 

“It’s Christmas?”

He didn’t miss the look James and Lily shared, and equal mix of concern and sorrow. They spared him a smile before they went back to their sorting. 

“I think so?” James joked. “December 25th, right? Usually the day most folks sit under the tree and exchange gifts.” 

Sirius watched them for a minute more, wondering if they were taking the mickey. “I haven’t got a tree.” 

Lily huffed, mumbling a sarcastic we know, thanks while James moved to the kitchen to grab some hot chocolate for the three of them. Lily turned to face him then, holding her arms out for him. Sirius crashed into them like they were a lifeline. 

“Merry Christmas, pads.” Lily whispered into his ear, and Sirius started to sob. 

“Lil- Lily, I- I didn- didn’t know it was Christmas. I didn’t get you guys anything.” The words had a hard time getting out through his broken sobs, but Lily didn’t need to hear them anyway. Instead, she stroked his hair and tried her best to shush him. 

“We know, love. It’s okay. You don’t need to do anything, it’s okay.” 

Sirius sobbed into her shirt, letting himself be held and comforted. He didn’t know how long he had been there, but when he finally sat up, James was holding a warm mug of cocoa out to him with a small smile on his face. There was no judgement from his bestfriends. Just love. And a shared feeling of emptiness.

They sat on the couch in silence, taking occasional sips of hot chocolate. There was no rush for him to do anything, no rush to get to presents or make breakfast. There was just a quiet moment with people who knew almost exactly how he felt. 

“This is our first Christmas without him.” Sirius thought, staring into the pool of dark brown in his mug. The same color as Remus’ eyes. He realized he might have actually said it when he felt Lily shaking beside him. 

“We know, sweetheart.” Her voice was shaking as bad as she was, though she still smiled when he looked at her. “But we have something for you, we’re hoping it will help fix that.” 

James set his empty mug down on the coffee table to get one of the boxes that was sitting next to the fireplace. It was confirmed as Sirius’ Christmas pile when James set it on his lap. 

“Go on.” James said. Sirius looked at him with confusion, but decided to do as he said. He looked down at the box to see it was the one with white and gold wrapping paper and a silver bow on top. Sirius moved it off carefully. 

He was confused to find a plain brown box underneath it all, but James and Lily just smiled encouragingly. Sirius unfolded the flaps on top and saw a smiling snowman staring up at him. He noticed the color of the eyes first, right before the forest green sweater came into view. It was definitely something Remus would have put up for a Christmas decoration. Everything about this stuffed little snowman reminded him of Remus.

“We customized the sweater. Made it to look exactly like Remus’ favorite one.” Lily explained, and then she pointed to the gloved hand of the snowman that held the words “squeeze me”. 

Sirius felt the tears coming again, knowing and wanting what the press of the button would give him. He needed to hear Remus’ voice today. He needed Remus here with him, in anyway he can. Sirius squeezed it. 

Hey, Sirius. Remus’ voice came from the snowman. He sounded like he was smiling. 

I just saw a dog on the street, he reminded me of you. He came up and sniffed at the flowers I was holding and barked. I think he was telling me he approves of your surprise gift. Oh, shit, I guess it’s not a surprise anymore. Oops. Anyways, I called to say that I sent out the invitations today. Made me smile like a fucking goon, but it was worth all the funny looks I got. Nobody can judge me for being happy when I get to marry you in two months. I’m patiently waiting to spend forever with you, baby. I love you.

Sirius thought he had nothing left to cry, but that was Remus’ voice he just listened to. Remus’ voice, which he hadn’t heard in four months except for the times he called Remus’ phone and prayed for him to pick up. He always got his voicemail instead. Remus’ voice, telling Sirius he loved him, telling him he wanted to spend forever with him, telling him how he got so fucking happy about sending out their wedding invites. Remus’ voice. 

Sirius squeezed the Snowman’s hand again. 

And again.

And again. 

And again. 

James and Lily moved in closer, holding him as they all listened to Remus. His voice filled the living room, and if he closed his eyes, it was like he was there with them. 

Remus is here. Remus loves him and Remus is here. Everything was going to be okay.

#harry potter #hogwarts #remus lupin #sirius black #wolfstar #jily #james potter #lily evans #mwpp #aesthetic #wolfstar holiday 2020 #snowman #christmas fic #angst #fluff #barely

[heirloommtomatoes]

you’re in a car with a beautiful boy

I’m at least 90% sure this ask was not sent with the intent of receiving a fic as a response but. Here we are. This got way longer and more convoluted than I had intended it to be and I’m jus gonna post it at this point bc i’m losing my mind re-reading it jsksk ! The title is from part 24 of Richard Siken’s poem “You Are Jeff”. Perfect poem for their first kiss, I think! Enjoy reading! :)

Warnings: Two instances of canon-typical homophobic language; canon-typical swearing.

Word Count: 2.6k~

The day Ian Gallagher shows up at his door, red-cheeked, out of breath, and wanting, no — “I need to see you” — needing him, Mickey knows he’s done for.

What comes out is: “I thought you were working today.”

Nice, dumbshit, that’s helpful, he registers the thought somewhere in the back of his mind, but mostly he just can’t stop staring at Ian. His eyes flick over his face, and he doesn’t have time to be shocked by how much he cares.

He’s embarrassed to reveal that yes, he did memorize Ian’s work schedule because he was in fact listening to the guy when he was busy running his mouth at the convenience store. Instinctively, he casts a quick glance over his shoulder. He can’t let Terry see this gay shit, Ian all worked up about some mommy issues and Mickey trying in his own way. To do what exactly, he’s still not completely sure. Comfort him, maybe? He doubts his father would clue in, his head’s too far up his homophobic ass for that, but like hell Mickey’s gonna risk it. Nothing’s gonna touch Ian. Fucking ever, if it’s up to him.

“I’ll meet you there in twenty,” Mickey says a short while later. He closes the door and goes back inside to stand around the dining table where Terry was going over some kind of raid or bust or heist while somehow managing to boss Mandy around every other word.

Mickey can’t focus on anything. He’s going to see Ian in twenty minutes. He’s bubbling with palpable excitement and fear and feelings he has no name for. What if Ian wants to talk about everything? Does he smell bad? What could Mickey say so he doesn’t leave? So Ian doesn’t see what a miserable shit he is? He hates Ian fucking Gallagher for making him care about dumb stuff like this, for making him incapable of hearing a word his Dad is saying to him and his brothers, for making him want to do some astronomically stupid thing like kiss him.

“Mickey, why you over there starin’ like some dumb fuckin’ fag?”

He doesn’t work up the courage for over another year.

Mickey slams the door to his room after running errands with Iggy all morning. It smells stale and one of the posters is curling off the wall in the mid-summer humidity. He’d changed his sheets this morning. The same red ones from the day Ian had burst in here like a maniac demanding the gun back. From then on, the two had been inseparable; no matter how hard their South Side circumstances had tried to pry them apart, every time they came back together like magnets.

Mickey knows he can’t really hide from Ian, and it scares him as much as it excites him. Ian reads him like no one ever has. The guy even had the nerve to smile that adorable smile that makes Mickey’s chest tight when he’d told him he’d rip his tongue out back in juvie. For some reason that Mickey cannot begin to fathom, Ian seems to want to spend time with him. Seems to believe in him.

He had thought himself perfectly fine to live a life half-awake, to spend his days either in prison or in the Milkovich household (one in the same, he thinks - except that juvie doesn’t have Terry), probably die by shivs or bullets or fists, and have his body buried in some unmarked grave all before his 50th birthday. Ian had wedged his place in the timeline of Mickey’s life. There was a before, and an after, and neither of them would ever be the same. Mickey pretends that its not this thought that keeps him up at night.

As soon as he realized that Iggy and Colin and Terry looked at girls and actually wanted them, that it wasn’t just some bizarre social act they all bought into, he knew he was fucked for life. His whole existence feels like some grand joke that everyone is in on but him, and when he lays down at night and stares at his ceiling and thinks about Ian Gallagher, Ian Gallagher, Ian Gallagher, he wonders if maybe he was the butt of it all along.

Ian Gallagher, who knew him and wanted him anyway, who took the time to care about him, who sought him out to spend time with him just because he wanted to. When had their ten minute fucks turned into smoke breaks? When had their smoke breaks turned into —

Mickey’s phone dings in his pocket as he sits on the steps of the Milkovich house, a cigarette dangling idly from his mouth.

Ian

what are ur plans today

He swallows his heart back down as it leaps into his throat, almost dizzying him with excitement. Get a grip, you fuckin’ girl. He’d done all that he needed to do for the day. He’d helped Iggy with some errands in the morning and had planned on laying low, playing Halo 3, and chain-smoking his way through a pack until dinner.

He chews on his lip as he considers what to say. He texts back:

Mickey

don’t have any

He wants to say “why, what’s up?”, he wants to say “let’s go to the dugouts”, he wants to say “let’s do something”, “let’s hang out”, “i want to see you”, “i want you”. But he’s not allowed to want things. Certainly not…this. Whatever this is. He receives a response almost immediately and can’t help but crack a fond smile. Someone’s eager.

Ian

come with me to that abandoned building near the L

you know the spot

That’s how Mickey finds himself sitting atop a wooden platform, watching Ian run military drills below at 1 in the afternoon on a Sunday.

He fires his gun into the sky while resolutely pretending not to be checking out the younger boy below.

“Hey,” Ian says, breathing heavily and squinting against the sun and Mickey finds himself realizing he is made of things he cannot ever have, “You know that guy you beat the shit out of at that club?”

Of course Mickey remembers. His stomach flops at the mention of him.

“He wants me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.”

“Really,” Mickey responds dryly, firing off another shot. He doesn’t want Ian to keep talking about him, “Hi-larious.”

“Can’t get it himself,” Ian continues, as if Mickey cares. And the worst part is that he thinks maybe he does — he cares about everything this alien-looking ginger has to say and he hates it and he can never, ever get enough of it, of him, of Ian, “Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want. He’s loaded. You want in?”

Mickey fires shots at the ground by Ian’s head where he’s crawling under some boards. He’s remembering seeing them at that bar in Boystown, out in the heat and in the sun and in public, cracking jokes and living a life Mickey can only watch from behind glass, from behind bars. Fuck that old guy for getting handed on a silver platter what Mickey so desperately craves but cannot have. Not just Ian — freedom. Though Mickey thinks they’re one in the same these days.

“Jesus! Use blanks, maybe?! Fuck.” Ian shouts up at him, dragging himself up off the ground.

“Bring my cousins?” Mickey asks, refusing to look at him. Every time he does he sees them together and wishes that it had been him, sun-drunk and laughing and free by his side.

“Yeah,” Ian shrugs.

“‘Aight, I’m in,” Mickey fires off another shot. He’s angry at Ian for nothing other than exercising his complete right to see other people since they weren’t really together anyway, he’s angry at that old ass man for being able to go out for drinks with him, touch him, kiss him, and most of all he’s angry at himself.

He feels broken for wanting him. He feels broken for not being able to be brave enough to admit that he wants him. He gets cut on his own self-hatred any direction he turns.

“I dunno what you see in that geriatric viagroid,” he says, forcing himself to meet Ian’s gaze, if for a brief moment.

“He buys me stuff, orders me room service,” Ian says nonchalantly, looking up at Mickey. It’s obvious how much he’s been working out. His shoulders are hard and defined, his chest chiseled through the dark green of his military shirt. Mickey feels the familiar sting of contempt rising in his throat and fires off two more shots.

He can’t buy him anything, let alone room service. The fuck kind of response is that? More than anything, it annoys Mickey because he knows it isn’t really true. He’s bullshitting him, and that gets to him more than Ted or Ned or Fred or whatever the hell is name is ever could. He knows he’s not that superficial. Sure, he doesn’t doubt those are nice bonuses, but he knows there’s more to it than that.

He knows Ian. He knows Ian and he wishes that didn’t have to mean he loves him, but it does. He doesn’t understand how anyone could know Ian and not love him. But he’s not quite ready to admit that yet, least of all to himself.

“He isn’t afraid to kiss me,” Ian adds.

Ah. There it is.

His world has become a breathing thing with Ian in it. Before it was stagnant, stale, drowning. It has become a beast with teeth that threatens to tear him from the careful scaffolding he has built around the most fragile parts of his life.

If he kisses him, then everything he fears he is will be true.

Some dumb fuckin’ fag.

So Mickey brings his cousins later that evening and doesn’t stop thinking about Ian’s comment for the rest of the day. The van ride is full of loud music and rolled down windows that let in the warm, fresh summer air, and Iggy and Colin are endlessly bickering and hitting each other in the back of the car.

“Can you assholes quiet down when we get closer? You’re gonna wake up the old lady and everyone else in the goddamn neighbourhood before we even roll in the fuckin’ driveway,” Mickey says, swatting at them from where he’s sitting in the passenger seat. Ian glances his way with an amused smile that Mickey only just catches when he settles back. He grins in return around the cigarette dangling from his mouth.

“Oh hey, pass one?” Ian asks, holding out his hand. Mickey’s about to give him one before a car speeds around a corner and almost T-bones the side of the van. Ian’s hand snaps back to the wheel to swerve out of the way, and Mickey drops the cigarette to the floor of the van in all the commotion.

“Asshole, watch it!” Ian exclaims as he uselessly flips off the car that’s now long gone down the road. Mickey lets out a guffaw of a laugh and abandons handing him the lost cigarette in favour of placing his own half-smoked one right between Ian’s lips.

The intimacy of the action doesn’t strike him until he’s nudging the cigarette against his mouth and his eyes are tracing the outline of his lips and he can feel the warmth of his breath against his tattooed knuckles. The raw familiarity of the action and the fact that Mickey’s own lips had just been on the cigarette that’s now resting on the edge of Ian’s mouth has his heart racing so quickly he can feel it in his chest like a ton of bricks. Ian casts him a side-glance out of the corner of his eye as he parts his lips to accept it. Mickey takes his hand away and clears his throat, glancing at the rear-view mirror to an oblivious Colin and Iggy.

“Thanks,” Ian mumbles, remembering himself as he snaps out of whatever it had been that passed between them just now.

Mickey wants to kiss him. He really, really wants to kiss him. He’d tried fucking girls and had been less turned on than he was just now doing nothing other than placing his cigarette in Ian’s mouth.

Ian pulls into the drive minutes later, cigarette since burned through and discarded out the window. Mickey tries not to feel the absence of it as though it were his own lips against his and not just the ghost of them stained onto the cigarette.

Colin drags open the side door and hops out with Iggy, zipping open a duffel bag full of guns. Mickey’s grateful for the distraction, for the absolute focus violence requires that he hopes will shove his desire to do something as stupid as kiss Ian out of his head.

“Hey! Whoa, guys, guys! No fucking guns, alright? It’s just a drunk old lady in there,” Ian says, brow furrowed as he looks at Mickey.

Trust Gallagher to be the defender of drunk old ladies. Mickey bites at his lip, trying and failing to ignore the way his chest swells with adoration at Ian’s request. Soft motherfucker. He’s right, though — any unnecessary violence and this could be a way bigger deal than it needs to be. Plus, he’d rather not piss off his only and best friend. He grabs the guns back from his cousins, much to their disappointment, and makes off toward the house.

He hadn’t woken up this morning thinking that today would be the day he’d kiss Ian. Hell, even now he’s sure that if he thinks about it any more he’ll chicken out and never kiss him at all. Mickey Milkovich, with the F-U-C-K U-U-P knuckles, who wears dirt and a scowl like they’re permanent accessories, is going to kiss Ian Gallagher, the freckled boy who protects drunk old ladies and smiles at him like he hangs the damn stars. He figures he was about to storm into an old lady’s house brandishing firearms without second thought or fright. Is kissing someone really that much more terrifying?

Abso-fuckin-lutely.

But there’s nothing between them but the van and Mickey’s fear. And fuck the fear. Fuck it. 

He can pretend that he kisses him for no other reason than to prove a point, than to fulfill some implied dare. 

At the end of the day, he kisses him because he wants to. 

He kisses him because he likes him. 

He kisses him because he loves him.

Mickey’s heart is racing so badly he feels that he might throw up and well, what an impression that would leave. Every part of him is shaking as he turns and takes one step, two steps, pulls himself into the van and…

His lips are against Ian’s. They’re so much softer than he’d imagined (and he had imagined, often) and warm and Mickey can feel the breath from his nose against his own face. He tastes like smoke and freedom and something sweet Mickey can’t place -- a fucking Snickers bar? -- but loves the taste of anyway.

His brain short-circuits. He lingers longer than he had intended to, but it’s real and it’s better than he ever thought it could be. He’d kissed Sarah Perkins on a dare back in 7th grade and he’d gargled vodka afterwards to wash his mouth out.

He’d thought himself broken for it just not feeling right. But this…this feels right. Ian makes him feel right. He had expected, hoped even maybe, that it would feel wrong. That he would kiss him and feel as though he had done something terrible, something worse than stealing from an old lady’s home, but if it does he can’t bring himself to care at the moment.

On his tongue, in his touch, with his laugh, Ian has given him the vocabulary to understand himself. To put a name to feelings mostly only understood in the illuminating glory of hindsight.

He’s spent his whole life outside of himself. Is this what it is to know yourself? Is this what it is for everything to suddenly make sense? He isn’t allowed soft things. He isn’t allowed this.

But here he is anyway.

And the world spins on.

He wants to kiss him again and again and again but he remembers his cousins in the house and what he suspects was probably less than five seconds feels like an eternity and Ian’s lips are starting to respond and move and is that his hand starting to lift to touch him? oh shit what if they come back to get him and this is what they walk in on and --

He pulls back and retreats as quickly as he’d arrived, throwing up a middle finger at Ian. Afraid to kiss him, Mickey’s ass.

Fuck he thinks as he runs back to the house, and can’t think much else but fuckfuckfuck, every inch of him charged and shaking and electric.

“Forgot somethin’,” he says breathlessly to the two boys who are, as it turns out, barely paying him any mind as they bicker between themselves about how they’re going to manage picking up a cabinet heavier than the two of them combined. Mickey’s not listening to them as they end up dropping it to split up and tackle smaller bait.

He grins wickedly to himself. He did it. Mickey goddamn Milkovich made a choice that wasn’t about pain or hurt or violence. He’d made a choice that was his and his alone and it was soft. Mickey Milkovich could choose to be soft, and gentle, and maybe even caring.

And if he can kiss Ian Gallagher? He can do anything.

#reposting this in a better format i think #gallavich #gallavich fic #mickey milkovich #ian gallagher #ian x mickey #why is read more not working brruhhh this is so long im sorry #IS it working??? idk #if it isnt #sorry!!!! #my bOYS~!!!! #my writing

[metalheadmickey]

Hi Jessie 🥰

2, 9, 21, 29 💘

2. Jealous!Ian or Jealous!Mickey? Jealousy isn't my favorite thing, so it's really hard to say. Can I say both but also neither? Like sometimes it's great, there are a few jealousy fics that are stupid hot that I'm a huge fan of, but I don't love jealousy in general. I did like Mickey being jealous of Ned though. That was interesting to watch because he was still figuring out his feelings and expressing himself and it was such a turning point for their relationship because his jealousy made him take these important steps forward. So maybe I'd say jealous Mickey for canon-related reasons. But I don't love jealous husbands. Except for notable exceptions in some fics, for horny reasons. I guess I love making arguments for horny reasons, sorry everybody!

9. Calling each other by their real names or by nicknames? Ooooh this one is interesting because I love them calling each other by nicknames, but Mickey calling Ian by his first name also feels special because he started out by calling him Gallagher. And while sometimes last names are super cute too (my partner has been calling me by my last name for years, and now when they call me by my first name I always assume something terrible has happened lol), Mickey specifically calling him Ian felt like a big deal to me. But I also love stud, that one made me very happy. And playful shit like sugartits also brings me a lot of joy. I'm also one of those people who's very into Ian calling Mickey baby. I love that shit. Give me endless fics of Ian calling Mickey baby in every conceivable context please and thank you. I also have this headcanon that once they become parents Mickey takes to calling Ian "papa bear" in a casual, almost joking way in the same way we see him call him sugartits.

21. Ian "Don't you mean guest womb?" Gallagher or Ian "Play what cool?" Gallagher? The first one, easily. It was just so weird and funny and dorky and I loved it. He was clearly ready to be a dad, coming in with dumb puns and dad jokes like that.

29. Deleted sex scene and dream vision scene (5x01) or deleted bathroom scene (10x06)? Oh god okay so. The bathroom scene is so great, I love Ian tending to Mickey's wounds and cradling his hand while he cleans him up, and I love picturing the sock puppet shit because it's totally weird and very funny. I also love Ian being rough with Mickey when he calls him a pussy, I thought that was pretty funny. But jesus christ dude, that sex/vision scene was so weird and such an interesting insight into Ian's state of mind, it is criminal that they didn't keep that in the episode. I fucking love it. First, you guys know how I feel about depictions of queer intimacy on television. Shameless isn't perfect obviously, but it does some things right with Ian and Mickey compared to a lot of other media with queer characters and it's pretty refreshing. But even so, for the most part their sex life doesn't get the same treatment as other characters. I feel like that reason alone should've been enough for them to keep that scene in. It's such soft intimacy and I feel like they deserved to be shown in that light. Second, like I said, I think the vision offers viewers really important insight into Ian's state of mind at the time and perhaps why his break included taking Yevgeny. He had this vision for what he wanted in life, this little family with him and his partner and this baby that he saw as theirs, as his, and it's surreal in how idyllic it is. And that surreal quality to his vision gives you a glimpse into his mental state. Obviously we all fantasize and daydream and shit and it's often super unrealistic but insignificant and meaningless, so you could argue that it's just a fantasy, who cares. But that's storytelling, right? Why show something so totally weird if it's not important? Also, the way that it doesn't feel like a dream feels important to me. If it was a dream it would be one thing. We all have weird fucking dreams. But it feels like a vision, maybe even a hallucination?? and I feel like that in and of itself is significant. And he connects it to intimacy: it happens right after being with his person. This is an intimate thing for him, it's private and important and connected to his love for his person. And even just the logistics of filming that scene, it seems like such a waste to not keep it in. Oh well. They should've kept it, it was fucking important. As far as deleted scenes go, this one is tied for number one with 11x04 for me for "why the fuck would they delete something so goddamn important to their relationship and story." It's a great scene, the soft intimacy is important and the vision is totally weird and makes me super uncomfortable and I fucking love it and I hate that it's not in the episode.

#sweet drish! thank you for this ask!! #another essay yeesh sorry everyone #ask game

[popculturebuffet]

House of Mouse review: “The Three Caballeros” or State of Your Outfit Donald

The Ride of the Three Caballeros continues, and with reviewed paid for up until legend, we’re fueled up and ready to ride on for some time now. This admittedly has taken a bit longer than I like to get back on the ride, due to a  number of reasons, but i’m back on the ride and these next two were both a pleasure to get to and cover a show that was LONG overdue to show up here: It’s the House of Mouse! For those of you who haven’t heard of it House of Mouse was a Disney show in 2000 that ran on it’s one Saturday morning block, the follow up to the Disney afternoon. It also holds a close place in my heart as these are the versions of Mickey and Co I grew up with, as I had Disney Channel as a kid and they reaired it a LOT, so the show is sorta soaked into my DNA, and is likely the reason why I like Donald and Goofy so much, as their shorts here and their personalities outside them really drew me in. I’ll still be objective mind, but the show means a lot to me and i’m not going to hide that. 

The show has a really amazing setup: Mickey and Co run a club for Disney characters. While no tv characters showed up, anyone who had been in the movies was fair game, and everyone from Hades to both forms of Simba somehow to the horned freaking king showed up. The only exceptions were as I said Tv characters, though Pepper Ann makes a cameo in the pilot, and the Pixar characters.. which is more fair than you think. Keep in mind at the time of this series, there were only three Pixar Movies: Toy Story, a Bug’s LIfe and Toy Story 2, which came out the same year as house of mouse. Not only that Pixar wasn’t owned by Disney at the time, so there was likely a fear they could loose the rights to use the characters at some point and thus didn’t want to chance it.  But yeah this setting is used for great jokes, it’s the source of the “No one does X like gaston!” meme and it’s funny every time they do that gag. Though the main stars of the show are still mickey and co with each having a fitting position in the club’s hierachy: MIckey and Donald, being equal stars, co-own the club, though Donald sometimes feels overshadowed. Mickey, with his people skills and cheer is the MC and host. Donald, given his jack of all trades nature and butt monkey status, is guest services, in charge of taking care of the club’s featured guests and naturally having it backfire, as well as sometimes envying Mickey’s spot and trying to take it over. Minnie, being level headed, keeps things running, planning the show and managing finaces as well as calming Mickey when he gets panicky. Daisy runs guest services while trying to break out on her own and is somewhat of a ditz in this series, though not overly dumb or incompetent, just a bit of an air head is all, and her sweet bubbly nature makes her very likeable. That and outside the shorts at least, she’s very nice to Donald here and their realtionship is very sweet, hence it being one of the four versions of it I like.  Goofy is head waiter, which fits him because.. I dunno they needed one. But he does the job well even if he naturally screws up a bunch because Goofy. Pluto is also around as a personal assitant because eh why not.  But what really stood out abotu the show to me, even more so as an adult, was  the supporting cast. As a kid, I was introduced to a lot of the disney side characters i’d never heard of before, all of whom get a decent amount of screen time over the series, while as an adult, I find it heartwarming they brought these characters back and fleshed them out after not being used on screen for so long, with one big exception that was still nice of them to use and helps bridge the generation gap. 

The rest of the HOM crew consisted of Hoarce, Mickey’s friend who was used a lot early on and who works as the club’s engineer and handyman, Clarabelle, also often forgotten but thoroughly defined here as a loveable gossip and acted wonderfully by the incomparable April Winchell. I credit this show for making me love both characters especially Clarabelle and wanting to see them more. 

We also have Gus, a far more obscure on screen character. Gus is Donald’s Cousin, and as of this writing is the ONLY one of Donald’s three majorly used Cousins to have not shown up in the Ducktales reboot. Gus is also the only one whose not a comics original, to my shock, instead showing up in the short “Donald’s Cousin Gus”, communicating only through honks and eating all of Donald’s food. He was naturally adapted for the comics, where while still having a huge appetite became more bossed with being a lazy while working with Grandma Duck, his and Donald’s Grandma. He’s so different between mediums I genuinely forgot he was in this show and didn’t realize he and the chef from this show were the same person. Still it’s nice to see him and hopefully he’ll make the reboot before it ends.  Finally rounding out the supporitng cast we have Huey Dewey and Louie, who mostly show up as the quackstreet boys to dance and are kind of inbetween their classic designs and their quack pack versions: They have the hair from quack pack, but seem more like their 12-13, a bit older than standard, but sitll not as old as they are in Quack Pack. They also don’t talk which is a vast improvement over Quack Pack. And finally, and more prominently, we have Max, who as I said bridges the gap between generations and I think was an amazing inclusion. He not only gave younger viewers like me a character they knew better, but allowed the character’s story to continue a bit, clearly taking place after xtreme but having him actually go on a date with Roxanne. Thank you House of Mouse Writers. your doing Golb’s work.  Antagonist wise we have Pete, as usual trying to muck things up and presumibly flush with post divorce cash. He’s the club landlord, and wants Mickey out for reasons that are never explained, but as long as the show goes on and Mickey pays rent on time, the show goes on. Being Pete, he naturally tries to sabotage things. It’s a good device. The other is Mortimer, probably the series deepest cut alongside Gus as he only shwoed up in one short but the series easily made him one of my faviorites: A Sleazy asshole who tries to pick up on Minnie (who thankfully this go round is not at all receiptve), tries to get on the card, and constnatly says Ha-Cha-Cha. Maurice LaMarche, this show had a REALLY talented voice cast can you tell?, really owned the character and has been his voice since and really took him from a one dimensional douche to a LOVEABLE asshole. 

Granted most of this.. really isn’t relevant as only the main cast show up, but it’s an aspect of the show I like so I went into it anyway. Plus i’ll defintely be coverng the show again so this saves me time for later.  Back on point though, the show’s format was a problem of the week, ranging from guest troubles to pete shenigans to internal strife in the club to just general sitcom shenanigans, going on at the club, with shorts inserted in from a previous Mickey Show, Mickey MouseWorks. MouseWorks was a short lived, pun intended, show that didn’t do so good, so they had a bunch of these shorts sitting around including some that never aired on the show, and thus inserted them as cartoons being played for the club patrons. It was a great device and the shorts, while varying in quality , are mostly pretty good and were the first Disney Shorts I saw. It was a good format, allowing the main stories to have plenty of time, but not have to overpad them or anything and with so many shorts on hand they could simply write the story to be as long as they needed and then insert however many shorts were needed. It worked well. 

So yeah as you can tell I truly love this show and it introduced a lot of stuff to me. And naturally.. that includes the Three Caballeros here, with their song here being stuck in my head for years and this being the first time they’d shown up in decades... which is ironically how long it took for me to see their movie but regardless. The boys were back, and you can see how the show did with them, under the cut. 

Something to note, No Disney Plus this time.. because BAFFLINGNLY the show is not on there, despite no rights issues holding it up I’m aware of, and the show having every other mouse and duck related animated series on there. I know, I’ve talked about this before, even in this very retrospective.. but I keep bringing it up because it’s something you easily forget about. Something that may slip away. But don’t let it. Let them know, and get our shows on there already. Christ.  Anyways, due to the show’s format of sliding the shorts in, and to make thing easier on me for house of mouse reviews i’m simply going to do the shorts first, then the main plot. Good? Good. 

This one only had two, though it varied on how many they used, and some were just super short shorts anyway, so it all balances out and as I said, i’ts better they just told as much story as was there than tried to rush it. So without further adue...

Donald’s Fish Fry: Poor Poor Humphrey  Yeah I didn’t like this one. The premise is using the old character Humphrey the Bear.. only here instead of being the antagonist the ranger present basically bullies the poor bear, while the other bears constnatly get more fish than him when it’s their registered time to fish. It’s just agrvating.. and when the poor boy finally GETS a fish, Donald snatches it.  Donald isn’t unsympathetic here, he found the fish fairly.. but it’s hard to tell who we’re supposed to root for here. Humphrey, who just wants what’s his, or Donald whose oblivious but technically in the wrong. This kind of slapstick just.. dosen’t work as well with both sides being sympathetic. It can work with say bugs and daffy, because both are equal, but there’s clearly an antagonistc force in elmer fudd. But this type of shenanigan just dosen’t work when neither side deserves the punishment, and Humphrey did nothing wrong. I felt like this for supporting him the whole time. 

And it ends with the ranger getting the fish. Because he wasn’t unlikeable enough clearly. Though Humphrey does get some beans so yay? Also the house segment after has Ranger Dickhead stealing Humphrey’s dinner, which given he’s at the club he CLEARLY paid for because it’s too fatty. Fuck you dude. I hope Goofy threw you out for that one. Just not a fun sit. I’ve seen this kind of shenanigan done better, in disney classic shorts even. I’ve seen Don as the villian better, See Trick or Treat for a good example> There’s just.. nothing here and it goes on forever. This is a good chunk of the episode! Lordy! Just a genuinely bad short. Thankfully the next one while not as word inducing is also not as headache inducing How to Be Smart: Now THESE were my faviorites as a kid. I loved goofy, so shorts about him were no brainer but even now.. these are still funny. Basically a narrator would follow Goofy around while he tries to learn how to do something, in this case how to get smarter after loosing on a gameshow .. and owing the show three milion dollars. There’s not much ot go into, it’s basically a series of jokes about Goofy going to school from elementary to college and learning his way up while Dealing with Ludvig’s bratty nephew and his own stupidity. It’s a funny short and really well done and these are easily some of the show’s best shorts and this is no exception. Unlike  the Humphrey short, where this essentially happened. 

My soul and I gladly enjoyed How to Be Smart. Dare to NOT be stupid and check this short out. 

The Wraparound: And I”m Donald Duck! As for the main segment it’s pretty good. We open with Mickey hyping up tonight’s act, which is naturally the Three Caballeros! But trouble sets in as Donald, while proud at first, is rightfully annoyed that a man on the street segment shows NO ONE remembers he was in the group. Including his best friend goofy. Only Pumba does, somehow. I dunno maybe he dated Panchito once before meating timon. Point is Donald dosen’t take this well, even if we get a nice moment of Daisy swooning over the fact.. even if being  HOM Daisy, she can’t get the name right. But given i’ve had trouble spelling it right, I’m one to talk. 

So being Donald he overreacts, which I like as.. well it’s Donald. Of course when given a very resonable reason to get upset he takes it a step too far. In this case he’s gotten an army of lawers, refuses to speak to mickey and has put ... THIS on. I showed it at the top of the page but.. well it bears repeating. 

It’s like every bad thing about the early 2000′s, from the douchey shades, to the rings, to the golden knuckles, to the hat that looks like a penis, to the no donald logo. There should be all the donalds, ALL OF THEM. He also has an army of lawyers, and naturally resorts to hot doggin and grandstanding: Signing autographs during the show, putting a giant poster of himself up. It works okay, as it makes him unsympathetic for the next part to work and is really funny which is the point. Even if again he looks like the feces that’s produced when shame eats too much stupidity. 

Instead of just getting Dale Gribble in there, Mickey is at a loss for a solution till the boys show up and.. it’s a mixed bag. Carlos  Alazraqui is excellent as Panchito, slipping into the roll well. Unlike last time the character showed up, they did NOT get a mexican actor, but Carols is still Latino, so it’s still better than what they did for Jose, and still big of them to actually bother to get a Latino actor to play a latino role.  Jose on the other hand.. is played, and not very good, by Rob Paulson. And before anyone throws stuff at me, I love Rob. I will  be gushing about him when I get around to reviewing the animaniacs reboot. He’s a god among voice actors and I love him. But his voice, at least in this ep dosen’t really .. FIT Jose, and he dosen’t really match the characters energy which is VERY weird given Animaniacs was right before this. The guy can DO energy and it’s one of his best talents. He STILL can as evidenced by both TMNT 2012 and the Animaniacs revival. It’s just not one of his better performances. I love the guy but even gods have off days.  And of course there’s the bigger issue of the very white Rob shouldn’t be playing the very Brazilian Jose. Not matching nationatlies is one thing, it sucks, but The Three Cablleros had a much bigger budget than HOM likely did. HOWEVER, it couldn’t of been that hard to find two latino voice actors in 2000, especially when you found at least one. I get this wasn’t as big a thing but when the 1940′s did better than you, you know you screwed up. 

But it probably dosen’t help the two.. barely do anything. Despite the episode being named after them, they only show up towards the end and just sorta say hi to mickey, get cool entrances, and then seeing Donald being a dick and Mickeya sking for their help, humble him with their musical number.  And the Musical Number IS really good, it’s been in my head for years and is just as catchy as the classic “Three Cabllero’s Song”.. why they didn’t sing that I don’t know, but this original one, a light knockoff of la bamba is still really fun and bouncy and the gags are good. It’s a really good climax and Donald deserves his punishment.  The only really issue is the ending, as.. no one leaned anything. No one acknowledges how forgotten Donald felt, Mickey dosen’t seem to get the issue as his “promoting Donald” at the end to make sure he’s not forgotten.. just has a bunch of jabs at his expense, and Donald dosen’t apologize..t hougH daisy is really sweet to him so we got some Donsy at least. It’s just a weak ending to an otherwise excellent wraparound.  Final Thoughts: This one was.. okay. Shorts aside, i’ve said my peace about them, the wraparound is a lot of fun, as is the musical number, even if the “artist formerly known as” joke was played out even in 2000. I mean yeas Prince changing his name to a symbol was insane, I get that.. but by then everyone had clowned on that decision and given he did so in a bizarre act of defiance towards his label, at a time where we now know how scummy record labels can be, it hasn’t aged well. It’s just the weak climax, song not included, really drags things down. The Cabs are just.. a cameo in their own damn episode, even with the full musical number and could’ve been around more. They don’t get to show off personalities or really do anything but teach Donald a lesson and are basically one indivdiual here. It sticks out even more because Rosa had both be utterly distinct and showed the utmost care while here.. their just sorta tossed in so they could have Donald be a primadona.. which itself is funny but on the whole this episode was just.. disappointing to revisit. It was disheartening to learn one of my favorite episodes as a kid wasn’t that good. It is worth checking out if you like Donald or the cabs, provided you skip the first short. Trust me, trust me, but is far from the best the house of mouse has to offer and hopefully the next one will show that.  Next time when the Ride continues, my gig at the house of mouse gets held over another night as Jose teaches Goofy manners and Panchito helps deprogram him from that. Before that I hope to get to the next chapter of life and times and some other stuff i’ve had hanging, including the next loud house and the next part of the tomtropsective, as well as some new things that have come up like said review of the animaniacs reboot and a review of Adventure Time: Distant Lands, Obsidan. Until then if you liked this review, please check out my other pages for more, follow me to see them, and if you’d like to comission your own, just hit me up in my ask box for my discord or personal message me here on tumblr. Until then, ther’es always another rainbow. I’m out. 

#The Three Caballeros #the ride of the three caballeros #house of mouse #donald duck #Jose Carioca #panchito pistoles #mickey mouse #minnie mouse #goofy goof #gus goose #daisy duck #the 2000s

[confinedinthisflesh]

11x02 rewatch reactions by remmie

- literally could give two shits about carl this season

- franny waking up and knocking on everyone's doors for her birthday was me as a child (i am still wearing the tiara, how did i forget)

- "pwesents?" 🥰😭

- liam's dialogue confused me at first with the sandwiches because i was that kid with no money or lunch

- debbie projecting onto franny 😔

- SANDY 😚😚😚

- ah good morning bickering couple

- FORESHADOWING FRANNY KEEPS LOOKING AT MICKEY

- "oh no please idgas man i don't need your disgusting ass dick" are you sure about that?! last episode says otherwise???

- I FUCKING HATE TERMITE! it makes me uncomfy chuckle, i don't like it

- i still hate frank, and tommy, and just everything having to do with that view of things

- *literally stops paying attention anytime carl is on screen unconsciously*

- dad lip is amazing and so is freddie

- this entire mickey on the couch scene felt like mickey (except the riverdale thing, i yodeled) (THE ROBE)

- also i don't like being called out for talking back to the advertisements when they call me out

- FUCK OFF WITH YOUR BULLSHIT IAN'S COWORKER!

- *skips carl scene*

- this weed thing with frank is gonna be bad i can feel it

- the mask thing really pisses me off, put your mask on right or don't put them on at all, i swear to fuCK

- the lightsaber fight is what i dream to do later in life 😔

- this interview is painful, just pure pain

- the look over to ian hit me a bit, and then being kinda dumb by saying that shit took me out of it, mickey don't project that shit onto ian, you're gonna make him get fired

- FUCK YOU FUCK YOU AND ESPECIALLY FUCK YOU PARALLEL GIFS! I AM GOING TO SEE THEM AND I AM EXCITED!

- the KICK

- i almost started dancing but then remembered to skip

- okay liam made me cry, he's straight up donating food, he would've helped me a lot as a kid, good on him, i want to see more of this, jw i swear to god if you fuck him up

- the minute i saw mickey's stupid fucking face i knew what was gonna happen

- "ding dongs for a ding dong" 😒 says the ding dong

- mickey that was kinda fucked up using him to close the door

- the fact they keep bringing up the termite thing, how come this is getting more attention than the monogamy joke

- i knew marsha might have been shady, doesn't mean i wanted it 😭

- i feel where debbie is coming from but also where tami/sandy are coming from 😔

- i've been in two bouncy castles in my life and i hated both experiences

- mickey no. ian don't turn around.

- the fact that mickey was able to do this, mickey was always a negotiator

- also a lot of the shit that's there doesn't ever really expire until you open it/use it??? so mickey made a good point???

- the laugh was awful, don't do that ever again i swear to GOD

- yeah ian some jobs do that, it's fucked up but it's true 🙃

- frank you sneaky bastard, also stop mentioning the termite thing please, we get it ya wanna be quirky 😜 but it's awful

- literally don't care about carl or arthur

- the franny party was so anti climatic 😭, i put on a tiara for this

- i still heavily enjoyed it though, thank you mickey for interrupting that god awful song

- uncle mickey is kinda the best uncle 🥰

- "go go uncle mickey!" 😭😭😭

- i love lip and tami, that's not important to this scene but i just wanted to say that

- sandy is a supportive girlfriend and i'm here for it 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 (gonna ignore the fucked up girl scouts joke they had at the end of last episode 😒)

- frank, you asshole but he kinda has a point about the partners thing

- ian doing his workouts! mickey relaxing! 🥰

- mickey for someone who doesn't care about sex, you seem to bring up sex a lot

- the fact that alexander hamilton probably touched that thing, really makes me gag

- the money toss thing kinda seemed fucked up to me and i didn't like it because reasons (this seems like an unpopular opinion)

- love lip and tami, like i said

and that's that!

the previews for next episode scared me but yellow hoodie time!

#shameless #shameless s11 #shameless spoilers #spoilers #11x02

[oforamuse]

told you that i missed you

'you and mickey are getting married!?'

or, the one where fiona had to find about ian's engagement through lip.

a missing phone call set somewhere between 10x11 and 10x12

ao3

Ian’s mid-limp towards the fridge when his phone rings in his pocket, and without bothering to check the caller ID, Mickey said he’d call him later when he’d left earlier, he answers and brings the device up to his ear.

‘You and Mickey are getting married!? ’

Ah fuck.  

He should’ve expected this.

‘Hey Fiona…’ Ian trails off, knowing where this conversation is most likely headed. He makes a mental checklist to prepare himself for the showdown that’s about to take place with his older sister, she’s never taken to being left out of things very lightly - which in her defense, didn’t happen very often given her being the head of the household for all of his life.

‘Don’t hey Fiona me, Ian Gallagher’ She practically spits out, dragging the emphasis on their second name with a clear underlying message of are you fucking kidding me, ‘Were you planning on telling me this anytime soon or was I supposed to find out you two were husbands at Thanksgiving or some shit?’

He pictures her fondly, hand on hip and the other one waving about, failing wildly to get her frustrated point across. It’s an image he saw so often throughout his childhood it’s almost comforting, warming.  

‘You planning on being home for Thanksgiving?’ Ian chimes back, hoping to buy himself some time to gather his thoughts, though he immediately knows she won’t take the bait as soon it falls out of his mouth.

‘Don’t change the subject, Ian’ It’s the same tone of voice she used throughout their childhood, the go brush your teeth it’s gone midnight or carl put that hammer down right now before you hurt someone, and for a moment he feels 12 years old and scolded.

The words hang there and he can feel her glare down the phone, like a laser beam marking his pale skin, it’s always felt that way. The classic 100% Fiona Gallagher certified ‘I’m unimpressed’ look, a look he’s definitely been on the receiving end of far too many times to count growing up.

‘I was- listen, it’s been a little crazy here recently, I was going to tell you. It just...slipped my mind I guess’ Ian defends himself quickly, juggling the phone between his ear and shoulder as he attempts to clear the kitchen table from this morning’s wedding planning session with Mick and Sandy. They left after a long conversation about the perfect table cloths, table cloths, to go to the tux shop downtown. He didn’t know there were so many different kinds of things to be thrown, music to be played, or chairs to choose from. It’s been overwhelming to say the least, and deep down still pretty scary, there’s a small nagging part of him worried that this might be a mistake but it’s rightfully overruled by the much bigger and louder part of him saying it will be worth it. Seeing Mickey happy, being happy himself, knowing they can finally just be happy together, will be worth it. Worth any amount of meetings over chairs, or flowers or whatever, he doesn’t really understand it, but he’ll do it.

It isn’t the marriage part, really, that freaks him out - he doesn’t think so at least. He knows he wants to marry Mickey, he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with him. That’s never been the question, even when they were countries apart or failing to see other people, it was always there in the back of his mind for his future, the ideal. He’s nervous to take that final big leap, to solidify their relationship in front of the world and the law, like actual adults do. He’s seen so many marriages go wrong and it aches to think that they could end up like a statistic, after everything they’ve been through, they could end up just being part of a percentage of divorcees.

But, also, after everything they’ve been through, they may just be strong enough to beat the odds. He doesn’t really know the statistics for gay marriages anyway, specifically for guys, he assumes they must be slightly better, happier or some shit.

If they can make it through homophobic murderous dads, prison sentences and annoying twinks, they can make it through this.

His mind falls back to Fiona on the other end, her constant stream of failed relationships, marriages and almost marriages that littered his adolescent years. A lump forms heavily in his throat and he tries to swallow it back down, he never thought he’d be the first Gallagher kid to get properly hitched, and hitched successfully, because Fiona and Gus do not count.

‘Really Fiona, it’s been crazy here’ He tries again,

He’s not making some dumb excuse, with the last month of being broken up (but so not broken up) then going to engaged to wedding planning all within a few days, calling his older sister wasn’t top of his list.

Perhaps it should’ve been, he thinks, and Ian can’t help it but his stomach rocks with a wave of guilt, crashing onto his mental beach. It sits there, sickeningly. Fiona used to know everything, be part of everything that was happening with the family, now she’s hundreds of miles away and worlds apart.

He knows it was a big deal for Fiona to move away from Chicago, away from them and everything she’s ever known, but that was her choice, he reasons, her choice to be a phone call away rather than just a bedroom. He doesn’t blame her though.

‘So I had to find out from Lip? And only, might I add, because he mentioned how you and Mickey were looking at flowers downtown so obviously I asked him why on earth you would need ‘em and turns out you guys are getting fucking hitched!’

He dumps their coffee mugs in the sink and watches the brown liquid swirl away before he resigns and moves his phone up to his ear.

‘I know I should’ve told you.’ He whispers, turning to lean against the counter top, wishing he didn’t feel so weird about talking about marriage with his older sister, ‘I just, I-I didn’t know how. It’s a really fucking long story, Fiona, and you’re not here…’

The guilt comes rushing back, like a wave crashing onto Ian’s shore. He grips the phone tightly.

Fiona sighs down the phone, and she goes silent, he pictures her running her hands through her hair like she often does when she’s exasperated or worried. His chest warms at the thought, he misses her, he really does.

There’s another beat.

‘I guess I should say congratulations?’ She says breaking the silence, almost posing it as a question. He can hear the hint of humour in her voice, playing it off as both a joke and a genuinely sincere statement.

‘Thanks’ Ian laughs lightly, quietly feeling relieved that she isn’t more upset.

The wave of guilt pulls back into the ocean.

His eyes flicker over to the fridge door opposite, where there’s still an old post-it note of Fiona’s reading ‘Liam. Dentist 12:20’ stuck above the handle. Her presence is everywhere in the house, it’s in the foundations, the walls and the floorboards. It’s her house more so than anyone else’s, a hell of a lot more than it ever was Frank’s, or Monica’s for that matter. Still, it stings to know that she isn’t here, physically.

That she wasn’t here when he got out.

‘How did it happen?’ She asks, her habit for gossip overriding her need to hang onto the sentimentalities.

‘How did what happen?’

‘You know, the engagement, who asked who and all that crap. Not sure how it works when it’s just two guys.’ She snorts, and Ian rolls his eyes fondly, taking comfort in knowing it was meant harmlessly.

‘Pretty much the same way as everything goes with Mick, fighting and making up. Except this time with added engagement’ The bad joke hangs for a moment before he hears Fiona bark out a laugh down the other end, he breathes out, relieved.

He knows his and Mickey’s relationship can be volatile, especially physically. They’re tough, their hearts are tough. How can they not be when they’ve grown up in this shithole, surrounded by violence and poverty all their lives, only to top it off with a light dusting of homophobic and or, alcoholic, parents. They’re a product of their environment, that’s for sure, and it works for them.

‘Not that I’m surprised or nothing, but you guys really got into a fight and then engaged? Sounds like you two’

He winces knowing that Fiona hasn’t always had the best opinion of Mickey or their relationship, but he can’t really blame her given that he kept her out of the most of it in the past. It’s always been easier keeping her, and Lip to be frank, at arm’s length when it comes to Mickey, especially in the last few years. Especially after almost dropping everything and running off with him to Mexico. He was close, he was so close.

He’s quietly hoping the distance between his two worlds will finally change once they officially become family.

‘Nah, I beat down Mick’s date and then, I asked him to marry me.’ He smirks at the memory, sure it was childish to have gone after Byron the way he did but the guy had been pissing Ian the fuck off and he was so fucking bored of playing games with Mick. Plus, no one gets to talk shit about his guy.

‘Mickey’s date?’ She asks, her voice distorted with confusion and rightfully so. She’s missed a lot in the last few weeks, heck, Ian’s been having trouble keeping up with it all and he’s here. He can’t even remember the last time he spoke to Fiona longer than a few minutes except down the tinny prison phone - they must’ve talked when he got out of prison, right?

It dawns on him quickly that he doesn’t think they’ve had a proper conversation since he got out of prison, weeks ago. It sits in his stomach, distastefully. That’s the longest they’ve gone without proper communication since he ran away when he was 16.

‘It’s a long story Fiona’ He sighs, throwing a glance over to the stairs, wishing she’d walk down them this moment, ruffle his hair like she used to then crack open a beer with him.

‘When’s the ceremony?’

‘We’re thinking the next few weeks maybe, Mickey’s really getting into the wedding planning.’

‘Mickey Milkovich is enjoying planning a wedding? That I would like to see!’ She laughs, ‘but jeeze, a few weeks? That’s pretty soon, why rush?’

‘Terry Milkovich paid us a visit cause he’s mad as shit. Shoutin’ the street down and pulling out his gun. It upset Mick so he’s taken to use the wedding as a chance to torture him, I guess he’s hoping he drops dead from his gay son being happy or some shit.’ Ian explains, his hands gesturing in ways that Fiona can’t obviously see. God, Ian should’ve killed the bastard back when they were kids because they deserve a break. Realistically, he knows he couldn’t do it, but fuck, he wishes Terry had gotten stabbed or something in prison the first few times round, it would’ve saved everyone a lot of grief. Himself included.

‘No chance i’ll be able to make it then, I guess…’ Fiona says sadly, though Ian can tell there’s a small attempt to hide the tinge in her voice. She sniffles and the guilt threatens to crash back.

‘I guess not’

Ian thumbs at his engagement ring whilst the two of them hang onto the silence, unsure of where to move forward from here.

‘You happy?’

‘Yeah, yeah I am’ Ian affirms, and he is, he’s really fucking happy. He didn’t think he’d ever get to have this, especially not with Mickey.

‘You gonna be Mr Milkovich?’

‘Fuck off’

‘You guys talked about it?’ She asks, and he can tell this one is a genuine question, whether or not Ian is going to shed the Gallagher name once and for all.

‘Nah, I figured we’ll get round to it after the gold chiavari chairs or something’

‘The gold what?’

‘Don’t ask’ he begs, he’s heard enough about chairs and all that for a lifetime.

‘I’m happy for you’ She says after a few moments, and his heart warms. He imagines her throwing her arms around his shoulders and bringing him in for a tight hug, locked and safe.

‘I wish you could come.’ He whispers, his eyes stinging, his thumb rubbing at his band. He does, he really wishes his big sister could be there to see him and Mickey beat all the odds.

‘I know’ Her voice cracks ever so slightly and Ian aches at the thought of being the one who caused it, ‘I’m sorry I’m not gonna be there’.

‘Not your fault’ Ian sighs, and it isn’t. She needed to get out.

‘Yeah’ She sniffs and Ian has to bring his free hand up to wipe his damp eyes, ‘I want pictures’

‘I’ll have Debs send you some’ Ian says wetly, he’s pretty certain Mickey has even organised a photographer. There’s some rustling on the other end and he can hear someone call out Fiona’s name in the background, it’s muffled but distinct.

‘Ah shit, I’ve got to go.’ She groans, and Ian figures it’s probably for the best. Someone’s bound to be home soon and he knows there will be a lot of questions if he’s found all teary eyed in the kitchen.

‘Okay’ It’s all he can manage.

‘I love you, and I’m happy for you.’ She says, ‘Tell Mickey I’m happy for him too’

‘I will.’ He replies, ‘I love you’

There’s a shuffle, then the line clicks and goes dead.

He hangs against the counter, cradling the phone in both hands, cradling the connection with his sister. He realises she didn’t even ask him anything about prison, or the fact Mickey’s out too. He wonders how much his other siblings talk to her, does Lip keep up with her regularly? It’s hard to imagine with him having to balance everything with Fred.

His phone chimes, he glances down.

3:39pm: MICKEY

‘picked out the tuxes. gonna look so fuckin good.’

God, if fifteen year old Ian Gallagher could see him now. He shoots off a reply.

3:40pm:

‘can’t wait’

And he can’t.

#gallavich fic #gallavich #ian gallagher #fiona gallagher #shameless #shameless us #shameless fic

[tessatechaitea]

Justice League #3 (1987)

Much respect to Doctor Light who dresses for the weather.

The advert on the back of the comic book is for Oreo which might be the greatest corporate cookie ever created. I simply don't trust people who don't like Oreo cookies. "Don't trust" is my kind way of saying I despise them and they disgust me and if I could end the death penalty in America, I absolutely would except for people who dislike Oreo cookies.

I would absolutely elbow Mickey Mouse in the face if he tried to eat my Oreo cookies.

In this issue, we meet the Rocket Reds, voted by me as the worst characters in the history of comic books. They're just so "Russian through the eyes of an American who has only passing knowledge of Russian life." I'm not saying I knew much about the Russian people in 1987. If me in 1987 had to design the Rocket Reds, I would have made their suits out of concrete and had them say "Capitalist Pig! *ptui*" after every third sentence. But if the current me were in 1987 designing the Rocket Reds, they would not have been men in rocket suits. They would have been straight up super heroes created by some fucked up cosmic isotope brought back to Russia by a vengeful Laika who had miraculously survived her Sputnik 2 orbit and gained sentience, realizing that her masters knew she would die and sent her into space anyway. Also they would be dogs. And it would be revealed that sentient dogs had taken over Russia in 1959. No, forget all that. That's more of a Planetary story. I never thought the Russians were real people until I heard Billy Joel's "Leningrad" and I was all, "Wait. Russians have clowns?!"

Blue Jay and Friends continue to work with Bialya but to expedite their anti-nuclear-holocaust mission.

While Blue Jay and friends make plans, the Justice League hang out in Blue Beetle's Bug Ship just outside Bialyan airspace. During that time, we learn that Batman doesn't appreciate jokes.

You can't make jokes like Beetle and you can't act like a sexist, arrogant, violent asshole like Gardner; what the fuck does Batman want?!

Don't answer that question! It practically answers itself! Batman didn't like Dick Grayson because he joked too much and then he didn't like Jason Todd because he was that arrogant violent asshole. So he finally settled on Tim Drake! What Batman wants is lukewarm oatmeal! How many times per day do you think Batman says, "I don't like your attitude, mister"? Page 3 of Issue 3 and Batman is already to the breaking point with Guy Gardner. He threatens to punch him in the mouth but gets distracted by Blue Jay and Friends finally leaving Bialya. Batman will have to wait at least two more issues before the money shot to Gardner's face. Beetle doesn't follow them far before they fly into Soviet airspace and he has to stop the Bug short.

Ultimately it probably would have been more satisfying if Black Canary had gotten to punch Guy in the nose.

I never "accidentally" fell on a girl with my hands growing up but thankfully a number of girls "accidentally" rubbed their boobs on me. It was always appreciated! Like that time I was playing Donkey Kong Jr. at the bowling alley and Michelle Preble was watching me with her hands on my shoulder and her boobs against my arm. Or that time at the ice rink when that girl I'd just met kept laying across my back whenever she got the chance (although I was in sweats that day so she kept forcing me to stay seated longer than I'd planned). Or that New Year's Eve (again at the bowling alley!) where Angela from the next lane over kept coming over and sitting on my lap. Or at that weird young teenage party in some garage where Dessa kept lying across my lap and then leaning against me. I can't even remember whose house that was or why I was there! I don't think I ever even spoke to Dessa before or after that! But I probably loved her forever after! So those are probably some of my strongest memories growing up. The only way they could remain as powerful or have stuck in my head better is if they'd been attached to a catchy song like those Church of Latter Day Saints commercials or Schoolhouse Rock.

Look at these dumb commies spouting state propaganda! Idiots! Good thing Americans are immune to that!

Of course the Justice League clashes with the Rocket Reds while Blue Jay and Friends fly unhindered into Russia. Gardner, of course, can't wait. It was just a few years earlier when Stallone kicked that Russian guy's ass in the ring and everybody in every theater across America was chanting, "U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!" Although some of the bigger wusses were weeping over Apollo's death. I totally wasn't one of those guys because I didn't see Rocky IV in the theater having missed Rocky III because I went to see Annie instead. Okay, that was a lie. I did see both of those movies in the theater. But I did skip going to see Rocky III with my guy friends to go see Annie with my girl friends because I'd already seen Rocky III once. Also, Annie was better. Yes, better than Rocky fighting Klubber Lang. Gorbachev gets word of what's happening from Maxwell Lord because Giffen and DeMatteis are establishing just how powerful Maxwell Lord is.

This is actually a pretty good portrayal of Gorbachev. Thank the stars for his calm head and clear sight back in the 80s! Fuck Reagan.

Normally advertisements don't really do much for me but since Oreo cookies are my heroin, I'm desperately craving them now. Especially the Carrot Cake flavored cookies! The Justice League battle the Rocket Reds for the exact number of pages to make it exciting before the Rocket Reds get the order to stand down and team up with the Justice League to help stop an imminent meltdown at a Russian nuclear power plant. Once Blue Jay and Friends realize the power plant is about to go critical, they join in to help stop a nuclear disaster. Its hugs and kisses all the way down now! Bald Thor manages to stop the power plant from going critical but collapses afterward. The Russians wrap him up and cart him off to help him and probably experiment on him if he survives. Blue Jay and the Silvery Brown Sorceress remain with Bald Thor while the Justice League is once again kicked out of a country where they were trying to help. They can't get United Nations backing soon enough! When they head back to their headquarters, they find Maxwell Lord and Booster Gold waiting for them. It's time to find out who their real leader is! Justice League #3 Rating: B+. Giffen and DeMatteis are steering the team nicely in the direction of needing to become international. As the Justice League of America, they were severely limited in their ability to save the world unless the danger came from Texas or Space. Now after two missions where they needed other nation's permission to do their job, they're ready to hear what Maxwell Lord has to say. Although nobody is ready to hear what Booster Gold has to say. It will invariably be dumb and full of future references that nobody understands.

#Justice League #Keith Giffen #DC COmics #DC #J.M. DeMatteis #Kevin Maguire

[animation-recaps-by-sean]

DuckTales- Timephoon-Moonvasion Recap

Time breaks during a storm, Glomgold makes his own family, a monster hunts the richest duck in the world, and the invasion comes. Spoilers below.

Timephoon

Louie tries to steal lost treasures from the exact moment they disappeared so he doesn’t hurt the timeline. Spoilers he does. By stealing treasures he breaks time, bring past figures into the present.

Beakley is trying to teach Della with how to be a Mom. She thinks Della is being too lenient. Della thinks their good kids who does dumb things. And Beakley agrees but says that dumb things can become bad things if the kids don’t learn. This is also the first time we Della without her pilot hat. She looks cute.

I also love how Scrooge and Beakley jus know it was one of the kids

A ninja appears with the other time displaced people. I only bring this up as I am amused as the obscure Naruto stuff like hand signs and replacing themselves with logs.

The big selling point of this episode was the appearance of Bubba. He was a widely unpopular character from the original DuckTales who had a big five partner but never did much after that. He doesn’t do much here, other than to give Dewey and Huey something to do. The joke is that he does something modern and Huey freaks out because caveducks don’t work that way. It kept to a minimum enough that the joke doesn’t get old, but I’m not in a hurry to see him again.

Everyone figures out that it’s Louie and after the problem is solved, Della grounds him. After all she knows that stealing and using technology that you don’t fully understand can destroy their family. The grounding is awkward and uncomfortable and it needed to be. It’s really interesting to see Louie and della call other out like that.

3 ½ out of 4

GlomTales

Glomgold recruits other villains to his family in a dark on the nose mirror to the McDuck family. I love everything about this. Ma Beagle is Beakley, her sons are the triplets, Don Karnage is Launchpad, Mark Beaks is Gyro, who they don’t even find which Beaks complains about, and Magica gets tobe Webby.

Magica has been reduced to working as a children's magician at Funzo’s. It might be the best scene in the whole series.

They attack the mansion which is almost empty since Scrooge and gang are out on another adventure, except for Louie who is still grounded. Louie agrees to take them to Scrooge and help them win the bet if Golgold makes him a partner.

He agrees and Louie has the villains give Glomgold their own fortunes which just pushes him past Scrooge’s. Thus winning the bet. But he signed the contract as Flintheart Glomgold, not his real name. So all the money goes to his partner, Louie.  He and Della reconcile while Scrooge asks for his company back. Louie thinks about it.

4/4

The Richest Duck in The World!

Louie decides to keep the money and the company for himself. Scrooge isn’t worried as he figures running a multinational company will be too much for Louie before too long. But Louie keeps spending company money on stupid stuff much to the annoyance of Owlson and the board of directors. They get Louie to cut magical defenses budget, which unlesses the Bombie.

Bombie is a character I did not expect to see. He’s from Scrooge’s third appearance but in the late 40’s. In the comics, it’s a zombie made by a African VooDoo wizard to get back at Scrooge for destroying his village. The Bombie design was a super racist too by the way. No way that would fly away. He’s been redesign was more of a Frankenstian creature. He’s back story has been changed so that he just hunts the richest duck in the world. Which is now Louie.

The nonsense causes Owlson to turn in her two week notice so she can train her replacement. After a lengthy battle a fearful Louie admits that he shouldn’t be the richest duck in the world. This breaks the curse.

A great episode, with a strong emotional climax. 4/4

Moonvasion

I don’t know how this show keeps toping itself but it does. This might be the greatest episode yet. Lunaris makes his move and Scrooge is on the defenses. Della takes the kids away, save for Lena and Violet who help with the battle. I don’t know why it’s okay for them to fight, but Lunaris is targeting the triplets and Webby directly.

I do wish Darkwing Duck did more than serve as a distraction tough.

Della and the kids crash on an island were Donald been living with a melon Mikey. Louie and Della have a good talk about dealing with things going wrong. Meanwhile Scrooge teams with Glomgold to scam the aliens by dressing up as Santa Claus. I was worried that after the bet storyline wrapped up, the alien invasion finale would feel tacked on. But thes how does an amazing job of pulling the theme of the plot.

I can not get over how funny this episode was. After the invasion was thurted the board of directors are sick of Scrooge’s family almost causing the end of the world. How can they steal from people! It turns out they’re head of F.O.W.L.

The call upon Gandra (I thought her working for Beaks was hypocritical), Steelbeak (F.OW.L’s main agent of the old Darkwing Duck show), the Funzo mascot who might be the Phantom Blot (A villain from the old back and white Mickey cartoons), Black Heron, and a frozen Rockerduck. It’s time to take down Scrooge.

An amazing end to an amazing season.

4/4

#ducktales #ducktales spoilers #scrooge mcduck #donald duck #della duck #louie duck #disney #animation recaps by sean

[themattress]

Everything wrong with the series heroines’ scenes in Kingdom Hearts III

Because it is legit fascinating how horrendously sexist this game’s writing is.

SCENE: Kairi and Lea, post-Twilight Town

- "I'm training to become a Keyblade wielder like you".  Right off the bat, we have something wrong. Kairi apparently needs formal Keyblade training in order to be a “real Keyblade wielder’ like Sora and Riku. Except that Sora and Riku didn’t receive formal Keyblade training - it was just fine and dandy for them to pick up a Keyblade, start slinging it, and become a master at it through their adventures. But a GIRL doing the same? Oh no, we can’t have that!

- "That's right. No more waiting for you to come back from your adventures. I want to get out there and do my part to help."  This is bullshit, because this was a development that Kairi already made in KH2! Seriously, talk to her before entering the door to Kingdom Hearts and she outright said “I’m tired of waiting, from now on where one of us goes the other follows!” and the epilogue is framed as if Sora, Riku and Kairi will be going on an adventure together now. But then Nomura and Oka decided “NAAAAH!”, retconned this in BBS’ secret ending by having Kairi meekly agree to just wait behind for Sora and Riku again, and are continuing this degradation of her character here, where she only steps up when Yen Sid calls for her to.

- "I'll admit I was a little scared of him at first, but I've gotten to know him better. All he ever wanted was to help his friend. Honestly, it's hard not to like him." Fuck this. Axel didn’t want to help his friend, Axel wanted to help himself. Roxas, the friend he betrayed, made him feel like he had a heart. Axel wanted that feeling back, and was willing to harm Kairi and Sora to get it back. He was a selfish bastard, and this whitewashing of his character in order to pander to his popularity is disgusting, especially when at the expense of his past victim. The line given to her of “It’s hard not to like him” is especially wretch-inducing. I sure as Hell don’t like him!

- "It won't be easy, but I hope you'll remain the happy and cheerful Sora I know. There's no heart your smile can't reach." Schmaltzy, forced SoKai crap right here. Remember how good and subtle the writing in the original KH was? Where all Kairi needed to say was “Sora, don’t ever change” and that said SO MUCH about her character and her relationship with him?

- "But I won't send it. It's more for me. I just like talking to Sora, even if it's on paper." OK, now you’re just making Kairi and her feelings for Sora look pathetic. In KH2, when she couldn’t remember Sora, she still sent him a letter in a bottle that she wrote, having faith that it would reach him. And now I’m expected to believe she’s too shy to send a letter to Sora now?

- "You're sweat, Lea." God, I think I’m going to be sick!

- "Don't hold back, Lea. Promise?" A contrived line in order to use Kairi for Xion-related angst for Lea to go through. By that same token, Xion is also being used for a man’s development.

- "Call me Axel from now on."  This is so fucked up! A girl tells the older man who once kidnapped her that she’s not comfortable with his constant apologies. The man doesn’t respectfully stop, he instead tells his former kidnap victim that he’ll only stop doing this thing that makes her uncomfortable “one one condition” - that she begin calling him by the name she knew him by when he kidnapped her! WTF!? In what universe is this appropriate!?

SCENE: Aqua and the two Ansems, post-Monstropolis

- "Don't need it!" And thus begins Aqua’s degradation into a joke in this game - she attacks a powerful Heartless without her Keyblade, and shockingly is owned in two seconds flat and turned into a Darkling. There’s being brave, and then there’s being dumb. This...is dumb.

SCENE: Kairi and Lea, post-The Caribbean.

- "Now that she's a part of me again, I figured all was right. But she can't look at this forest, feel the wind on her face, none of it. And if she could, it would be different for her. Her time was short, but she lived it, and that makes it hers. What right did I have to take those feelings and experiences back? They don't belong to me. Nothing's as it should be. Not for her or Roxas."  FUCK THIS. This pisses me off so much. I loved the happy ending of KH2, including for Roxas and Namine. But now it’s been retconned so that it wasn’t a happy ending, that they didn’t retain their individuality from within Sora and Kairi despite what was clearly said and shown in KH2′s ending, and it’s a terrible fate that they must be “saved” from to end their “hurt”. And Kairi is now blaming herself for it - “what right did I have to take those feelings and experiences back”? Oh, I don’t know - maybe you had a right because Namine wanted it and fucking extended her hand to you so that she could rejoin with you!? Remember that!? I guess not, since otherwise the game would remember that it was said/shown that Namine would still exist and be able to experience things and keep hold of her own feelings and experiences. But that might create lots of bonding scenes between Kairi and Namine, and we can’t have that, can we? This series is all about the MALE bonding!

- "Well, you don't have to worry alone anymore, Axel." GAAAAAAAH!!!

SCENE: Anti-Aqua in the Realm of Darkness

- Just...everything. From Anti-Aqua being treated as a villain that must be defeated rather than reasoned with even when the entire breaking speech she gives to Mickey is objectively true and well-deserved, from Sora needing to beat the shit out of her in order to save her, and from the hollow “you’re home” callback to the KH2 ending, with Sora in place of Kairi (are they going for a Sora/Aqua pedophilia ship tease here?) and Kairi herself nowhere in sight, not being a part of rescuing Aqua despite being allegedly her counterpart in the Destiny Trio. At the end of KH2 and even at the end of this game’s opening FMV, we had Sora, Riku, Kairi, Mickey, Donald and Goofy. Thus, Kairi’s absence is glaring (and not for the last time!)

SCENE: Castle Oblivion becomes Land of Departure again

- "Ven's expecting me. I promised to wake him. Said I'd be right back, but I'm not even close. I'm in for an earful." But Ven’s heart wasn’t in his body when you promised that! Why would he remember that promise or be expecting anything from you!? And the way you’re phrasing it (”in for an earful”) makes it sound as if you’re the child and he’s the adult! What the Hell!?

- "Why? Your heart never found its way home?" Did Sora really not tell her!?

- "Sorry, but you've seen me too weak, too often. Now it's my turn to shine." Where to begin? This notorious line is woodenly delivered right before a fight with Vanitas where Aqua is playable. She is saying it to Sora, basically admitting that this is a matter of ego and that she wants to show off in front of him (again, creepy pedophilic ship vibes here). Also, “you’ve seen me too weak, too often”? He literally just met you, and you were pretty damn strong when fighting him as Anti-Aqua! And after the playable fight is over, Vanitas blasts at Ven, Aqua jumps in front of the blast and has time to deflect it with her Keyblade or barrier magic...but she doesn’t, gets knocked out, and has to be saved by Sora and Ven. Weak!

- "Good morning, Ven." Wow, such an emotional reunion! (That’s sarcasm, btw.)

SCENE: Gathering at Yen Sid's Tower before the final battle

- Again, everything. Aqua and Kairi’s interaction is pathetically brief and only revolves around “Hey, remember when we met in BBS? That was a thing.” Plus bringing up the bullshit retcon of Aqua enchanting Kairi’s necklace, Mickey somehow not having pieced together that the little girl was Kairi until now, Lea whining that this talk is taking time away from him and his narcissistic entitlement complex, and more “Roxas and Namine need to be saved” crap.

SCENE: Land of Departure at night

- "It's like I've been part of some big adventure." This scene features Aqua and Ventus. But it’s only about Ventus, and his X connections. Aqua is nothing but a springboard for him.

SCENE: Paopu Tree on Destiny Islands

- "I want to be a part of your life no matter what. That's all." Except that Kairi already IS a part of Sora’s life no matter what. This has been true since the events of the original KH, where she inhabited his heart. The paopu sharing was never meant to be a literal thing to happen when it was conceived, it was symbolic, it was smart writing. This is dumb, and forced.

- "Let me keep you safe." This line isn’t going to have much payoff. In fact, between this and her dialogue in her letter at the very start, it’s sounding a lot like many a poor unfortunate shonen heroine who will pay lip service to getting stronger and helping the boys, and then ultimately proves useless when it comes down to it. Three guesses as to where this is going.

SCENE: Terranort appears

- EVERYTHING. The sheer incompetence displayed by Aqua and Kairi in this scene must be seen to be believed. Both of them have Keyblades, and neither of them use them. Unreal.

SCENE: Kairi brings Sora back

- "The light in the darkness. It was you. You're the one who kept me from fading away." Get it!? Because it’s like the first KH! Where Kairi was the light in the darkness who kept Sora from fading as a Heartless! And the scenery and music is literally straight from the scene where she showed him the memory of her grandmother’s story! ‘Member that fantastic scene? ‘Member? ‘MEMBER? Isn’t this coming full circle? Isn’t this poignant? (No. It’s not.)

- "I feel strong with you, Kairi." This line right here shows the big problem with Kairi in this game - she has nothing to offer for herself, she only has something to offer Sora. She is used for Sora’s role and development, as he says: to make him strong, all while she stays weak. 

SCENE: The Finale

- EVERY FUCKING THING. Larxene implies she was only part of the Organization because of her feelings for a man.  Aqua gets beaten by Terranort and has to be saved by Terra (which on it’s own wouldn’t be so bad, seeing as Sora and Ven are in the same boat, but it’s her last battle in the game after having lost all the other ones and she loses AGAIN). Kairi, after just half a battle as a party member, gets beaten by Xion and then kidnapped by Xemnas. Xion, who only shows up now, is again used as a prop for Lea, then gets beaten down by Xemnas and needs to be saved by Roxas, and then is a pitifully weak party member in the battle against Saix while Roxas is overpowered. Kairi is fucking killed by Xehanort in order to give Sora “proper motivation” and thus achieve his goal, meaning Kairi was more useful to the villain than to the heroes. Xion does nothing but say an out-of-left-field line about something she shouldn’t possibly know. Aqua is basically told by Eraqus that she shouldn’t have been named Master and that Terra should have (”Take care of them” - Eraqus to Terra about Aqua and Ven). Namine only shows up in the last seconds of the game, without any dialogue. And for the final slap in the face, Kairi is resurrected offscreen, only to lose Sora as a result of it.

Amazing. Literally every scene featuring these girls had something to demean them in it. KH3 is the absolute embodiment of the KH series’ woman problem. Hardcore fans can deny it all they want, they can accuse me of being a stupid hater or a killjoy or an SJW or what-have-you, but they cannot change the truth. And the truth is that Tetsuya Nomura is a sexist hack.

#Disney #Square Enix #Kingdom Hearts #Kingdom Hearts III #Analysis #Sexism #Misogyny #Bad Writing #Character Derailment #Anti-Kingdom Hearts #Anti-Nomura #Anti-Tetsuya Nomura

[vampiresmiled]

✩ watergate

i want to preface this by saying that i hate watergate and the fact that this meme is four-hundred pages long only furthered my hatred for this abomination of a ship. and yes, i am using kennedy walsh as a mascot for this occasion. mind your own.

DISAGREEMENTS

who is more likely to raise their voice? we been through this. it’s mickey, he inherited his father’s temper. giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘daddy issues.’who threatens to leave but never actually does? mickey. the man is full of empty promises. who actually keeps their word and leaves? emma. mickey would never leave, he’s mickey : abandonment issues and all. who trashes the house? worst case scenario, mickey. but normal circumstances, nobody. they’re not wolfgang circa 2016, post ziba finding out about his heart issues, oil on canvas. do either of them get physical? i mean, #basementgate … ringing any bells ? it’d be a mistake on mickey’s part, otherwise no. how often do they argue/disagree? only when their collective insecurities start acting up. and if my memory serves me right, that’s like every other week. who is the first to apologise? both, simultaneously. 

SEX

who is on top? do you remember You 1x04 ? joe was on top … let’s aim for nine seconds, okay.who is on the bottom? did i not just answer that. who has the strangest desires? what is this, an episode of lucifer ? jokes, all jokes. probably emma. shy in the streets, freaky in the sheets. any kinks? does … harmonicas count ? literally retire the joke, mads – RETIRE IT.who’s dominant in bed? neither. they’re vanilla and boring and i hate them.is head ever in the equation? it’s always in the equation, we’re no dj khaled stans here.if so, who is better at performing it? mickey will toss your salad like he’s aidan gallagher’s biggest fan.ever had sex in public? public sex for them is in her car. so, yes.who moans the most? emma ‘cos she never knows when to zip it.who leaves the most marks? mickey. mark your territory, y’know. it’s critical.who screams the loudest? i said what i said.who is the more experienced of the two? big oof @ emma’s bodycount. do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? they make sweet, sweet love.rough or soft? soft as hale.how long do they usually last? 9 seconds. however adequately long is … that’s how long. they drag it out. make a day out of it. is protection used? they never wrap it before they tap it. and with is history of … you know, [ finger banging motions ] emma should’ve had chlamydia by now. but yes, they wrap it. sometimes. they don’t remember that often.does it ever get boring? nope. where is the strangest place they’d have sex? on his mother’s grave. or maybe not. i dunno, would they fuck at a preschool ? i don’t put it past them.

FAMILY

do your muses plan on having children/or have children? together they haven’t spoken about it. but separately, fuck yeah. if so, how many children do your muses want/have? i feel like emma wants two or three, mickey wants a football team.who is the favorite parent? since mickey is gonna be a stay-at-home dad, fuck you, him. who is the authoritative parent? odette. they hire her to come in every week to stare real hard at the kids until they clean the entire house unprompted. works like wonders. super nanny who ?who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? mickey. who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? mickey, mickey, mickey. emma’s all about carrots and nutritions. fuck that, we’re going to mcdonkey d.who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? mickey organizes the extra curricular activities. he’s that dad.who goes to parent teacher interviews? emma ‘cos mickey gets mistaken for flirting with the the mrs. grundy looking teach every single time. not riverdale!grundy, comics!grundy. [ chicken girls vc ] spicy … who changes the diapers? mickey avoided it for the first couple of months by sheer magic and a lot of pampering @ emma. but she caught on, and then he was on diaper duty for a full year. after that the kid doesn’t need diapers so … unless they wee the bed then we have another problem on our hands. who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? mickey, that’s how he avoided diaper changes. who spends the most time with the children? mickey ‘cos he’s ugly and unemployed. who packs their lunch boxes? emma ‘cos mickey would sneak brownies in there and all the other kids would get jealous and cry during lunch. true story, i was there. who gives their children ‘the talk’? mickey would want to but seeing as he’s who he is, emma took it upon herself to give them a more science based talk. ironic considering what his current job is but … who cleans up after the kids? mickey-boy.who worries the most? emma by a long shot. mickey has zero cares in the world. he’s the type of dad to toss the kids up 375ft into the air while emma yells frantically in the background of the video odette is filming. she’s there for chaos, not so much for telling mickey the kid’s neck can break. who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? i think emma. mickey’s gonna be super good with coming up with psuedo-swears like motherflubber and fudge. emma will slip up, i know she will.  

AFFECTION

who likes to cuddle? both.who is the little spoon? mickey, he likes to be held – it makes him feel safe.who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? fucking mickey the horn-dog. who struggles to keep their hands to themself? did you not see what i just said.   how long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? several hours. they never get uncomfy, fuck off. who gives the most kisses? listen, mickey loves giving love. whatever that touchy feely result was on the love language quiz, that was he. so, – he’ll smooch her everywhere and whenever. try and stop him, you can’t. except they’re not dating right now so i guess he’s successfully kept at bay. barely. what is their favourite non-sexual activity? banter. like genuinely. they just sit on the sofa and tear each other apart. it’s a good old time. that or soaps. mickey’s a huge fan of days of our lives.where is their favourite place to cuddle? probably couch. who is more likely to playfully grope the other? mickey. but emma’s known to grab his ass at times which is honestly childish, emma quit it. how often do they get time to themselves? seeing as they’re currently childless and also single, all the time in the world.

SLEEPING

who snores? emma, i said it.if both do, who snores the loudest? emma …do they share a bed or sleep separately? they’re not the weathers, ok.if they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? close, so very close.who talks in their sleep? mickey. he says some dumb shit, she writes it down.what do they wear to bed? dicks out. kidding. mickey sleeps shirtless, and emma sleeps in his shirt. fair deal. are either of your muses insomniacs? no.can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? only if he wanna knock her out for some quiet. but also no.do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? they’re a whole ass pretzel, k. who wakes up with bed hair? emma might have more hair but mickey’s is untamed. who wakes up first? emma. who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? mickey is a king in the kitchen, so.what is their favourite sleeping position? his face full on in the crook of her neck and like completely wrapped up in each other like my headphones after 2 minutes.who hogs the sheets? both of them, every night is a struggle.do they set an alarm each night? emma does. mickey likes to wing it.can a television be found in their bedroom? no, emma said that’s not allowed and that’s why she’s currently sexless. who has nightmares? neither … who has ridiculous dreams? mickey, hence the talking. who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? mickey probably.who makes the bed? emma, she’s so responsible.what time is bed time? like two hours after they decide it’s time to sleep. they talk alot. and … do other things we shall not mention ( discuss the current political climate ). and they fuck. any routines/rituals before bed? dental hygiene is very important to them both so they spend like 20 minutes in the bathroom. who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? emma. mickey is ready :clap: to :clap: go !

WORK

who is the busiest? mickey. being a nurse is no joke. neither is having to take up shifts at the hardware store ‘cos your dad’s a drunk.who rakes in the highest income? i dunno. they both have shite jobs in terms of salary. google it. are any of your muses unemployed? not yet. who takes the most sick days? honestly, neither. mickey’s the type to go work with a flu and emma is too much of a suck-up to risk looking like a bad employee. who is more likely to turn up late to work? mickey. who sucks up to their boss? both. love that for them.what are their jobs? er nurse and preschool teacher. if you didn’t know that by now, kill yourself.who stresses the most? emma, no doubt, no doubt.do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? LOVE. are your muses financially stable? * laughs in the spirit of president snow choking to death on his own chortles * no.

HOME

who does the washing? mickey mixed the reds and whites once, so … take a gamble.who takes out the trash? mickey whenever he leaves for work. get it? ok.who does the ironing? mickey also burnt a hole in one of her shirts.who does the cooking? MICKEY. so stay out of the kitchen if you can’t handle the heat, woman.who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? emma.who is messier? mickey. who leaves the toilet roll empty? mickey, but it’s on purpose. you see … he likes to do it just so she’ll have to yell at him to get her some. it’s just funny. every time. sometimes he forgets to put it back before he leaves. those are the times he gets a roll thrown at his face when he gets home.who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? mickey. it’s charming.who forgets to flush the toilet? ew, no one.who is the prankster around the house? they’re both equally pranky … not a word ! mickey just tends to be more unexpected in his pranks. who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? emma. mickey doesn’t have his own car.who mows the lawn? they’re apartment people, buzz off.who answers the telephone? no one, their answering machine message is just too good to go to waste.who does the vacuuming? emma.who does the groceries? mickey.who takes the longest to shower? mickey. he’s depressed.who spends the most time in the bathroom? emma.

MISCELLANEOUS

is money a problem? of course it is. they’re broke.how many cars do they own? one.do they own their home or do they rent? rent.do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? … fuck if i know. where even is sheffield.do they live in the city or in the country? downtown, asshat.do they enjoy their surroundings? sure.what’s their song? i know it’s not 1998 yet. but – closing time by semisonic is a bop i’ve mentioned for them before. what do they do when they’re away from each other? pine.where did they first meet? i wanna say her place but she’s not that stupid. probably joe’s or something. how did they first meet? when mickey answered the roommate ad. who spends the most money when out shopping? mickey. it’s all on food.who’s more likely to flash their assets? like tits ? neither.who finds it amusing when the other trips over? mickey. and emma. both. they’re ten.any mental issues? plenty to go around.who’s terrified of bugs? emma.who kills the spiders around the house? mickey carries them outside, thank you very much.their favourite place? at home. yeah, they’re like that.who pays the bills? emma pays pays them, but like … he gives her money.do they have any fears for their future? so many we cannot get into that right now.who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? mickey. but like home-cooked ‘cos he’s a poor, poor man. who uses up all of the hot water? mickey.who’s the tallest? [ softly ] don’t. who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? ickey-mickey.who wanders around in their underwear? MICKEY. who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? they both try and out-sing each other. he starts it, she ends it. what do they tease each other about? harmonicas and their deepest insecurities. who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? remember the bee shirt.do they have mutual friends? no, jack hates him and i hate jack.who crushed first? i wanna say … mickey.any alcohol or substance related problems? nope.who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? mickey, it’s in his genes.who swears the most? neither of them swear that much but i guess i’ll have to go with the ugly one.

#all posts / mt. #starring emma / mt. #answered / mt. #holydepths #ask

[thatdamnokie]

today, i watched rocknrolla for the first time and kept a running tab of live commentary which can be found below the cut and is a stupid amount of ridiculous and will not make ANY sense unless you’ve also seen rocknrolla and like--have some vague memory of how the movie happens because this was all pretty much stream-of-consciousness or whatever.

yoooo i dig the opening song. okay. off to a good start.

for real thought the dark castle logo was hogwarts fml

is that… mark’s voice?

who is this muscular motherfucker?

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BONG PIPE THING

that’s as tall as a toddler what the fuck

look at all these people in this movie!

THAT WAS MARK

mr. strong ladies and gentleman

… wait lenny looks super familiar, what else have i seen him in.

this all seems very complicated.

idris and gerard!

counselor’s cute too

why is everyone in this movie so fucking cute

WHERE ELSE HAVE I SEEN THIS GUY

every time mark speaks i jump

wait is that—gerard’s actual accent?

lenny, you are a terrifying dude.

and mark i want to ruffle your hair.

archie, that profile, sweet gracious.

… fuck he’s in the background and i just can’t stop looking at him.

this all sounds very, very complicated.

he calls him “len” omg

“do i look like a fucking immigrant” u h m

okay so pretty sure i don’t like lenny, they should just let archie be the leader

enter the russiannnsss

your sweater is dumb russian guy

i like his accent though

guys i don’t know enough about real estate hustling to be able to explain this to another person

aw sweet russian sweater man giving him his painting

… wait no camera man show me the painting

“whiskey is the new vodka” sure yuri whatever you say

lenny i can shoot whiskey better than you can you fucking bitch

dude you can’t hold your sauce can you?

archie

archie help him

fuck he is so handsome

that jawline

“famous archie smile” I WANNA SEE

dude you need to be nicer to people when whiskey makes you that sweaty?

… i’m sorry but i think i could outdrink arch’s boss???

bless whoever made mark narrator

yooooo stella!

i like her!

dude she looks boss as fuck

“i don’t feel like smiling”

dude a marriage of convenience where you don’t have regular sex sounds awful

“welcome to the—speeler?” did he say speeler?

tom!

some of the names in the opening credits didn’t look familiar but these faces do.

wait is gerard gay or was he making a joke?

that. accent. gracious.

just picture that growling in your ear. fuck, i want a british boyfriend guys. i mean it.

i like the color scheme of all this like everything’s—muted, but still classy?

okay i dig 1-2 and stella’s broship.

can you imagine just calling him twelve to save time

“just a black eye, nothing more.”

dude she has louboutins! or something like them! the ones with the red bottoms, i’m probably misspelling it.

hanging out at the country club. very classy.

arch, you’re all limbs.

… you’re also scary.

duuuuude he has a way of talking that just makes me nervous. like an undercurrent of a threat, things implied…

“in there like swimwear” i’m stealing that.

duuuuude lenny’s robe though?

i got office envy! look at that desk.

WHO FALLS BACKWARDS IN THEIR CHAIR

oh shit they took the painting

… that i still don’t know what it looks like, guys let me see it

len you are boned.

“and archie’s gonna have to go… to work.”

he is literally the tallest dude in every shot.

is he giving him slapping lessons rn.

… yes he is.

oh

oh

oh no

JESUS

ARCHIE

we do NOT HIT PEOPLE

gracious.

i’m torn because on one hand, that would probably really fucking hurt, his hands are probably as big as my fucking face

on the other hand—would i let mark strong slap me?

… maybe.

“but you keep the receipts because this ain’t the mafia”

idrisssss

fuck if he smiled at me like that i’d do whatever he said too

“everybody have fun tonight! <3” :D EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT

“now fuck off”

oh twelve

ugh all the style in this movie.

wardrobe goals.

i want that bag.

“… maybe.” bro you said that like you wanted the d, and i can’t say i blame you.

i like how yuri says london.

for a split second i thought that was tom holland???

ohhhhh what’s gonna happen now!

does everyone just like—drive mark around in these movies

OMG it’s the same money

this shit is hysterical

i want to mess his hair up. because if we were in public he’d probably hate it and tbh i’d be too scared to do it but maybe privately…

guys… i feel like i’d fit into the uk.

ohhhhh an INFORMANT

… oh that dude is cute!

oh that dude is CRAZY

oh, drugs, right. these are the drugs i do not do.

his name is TWELVE archie

see, he’s so good at being quietly threatening

his laugh is so… <3

i think ship stella and yuri—

oh FUCK i forgot she was married

he’s also gay as shit, yuri

dude she just got so sad…

“you devil”

oh duuuuuude

you want that v so bad and it is so obvious

they both have nice hands.

poor bob. :(

twelve you sweet scottish bastard.

OH

UHM

OKAY

that’s a twist.

twelve noooo

dude be cool

DUDE

DUDE THIS IS NOT HOW YOU HANDLE THIS

CALM DOWN

oh my god

duuuuude, twelve.

dude.

bob. bob honey i am so sorry.

is he crying? T.T

TWELVE DO SOMETHING

“no I’M FUCKING SORRY”

YEAH WELL YOU SHOULD BE

a—a poof?

is ‘poof’ a bad word?

guys i don’t know anything about british slang.

bob honey relax…

ohhhhh i’m not sure if that was a smart question to ask right that second.

archie, you’re so classy and wonderful and probably wouldn’t freak out on people like that. probably.

this van gentleman is so delightful ( i am so bad at names rn )

so his nickname is van gentleman.

TANK

there we go.

i like this broship.

in which arch continues to be all. fucking. leg.

OH SHIT

i was NOT PREPARED

“like most things american they’ve eaten the natives” i mean…

i really like his comparison of the crayfish and greed, but like… i also really want bbq now… (have you HAD bbq crayfish? shit’s delicious.)

also HOLY SHIT was not expecting them to be stuck on him like leeches? that’s terrifying.

archie has like—this hidden mercy about him… like he got a weird look on his face and i couldn’t tell if it had to do with the quid dude or putting the other guy back in with the crayfish.

it’s his STEPSON?

ohhhhh an american!

oh he is handsome.

mickey. <3

what else have i seen this rocker dude in…

“ladies of the pole”

mickey’s hat ftw

oh this fedora guy is cute.

JUNE

i love that name AND her bangs!

this movie was a phenomenal soundtrack

aaannnddd definitely thought that dude was masturbating for a second

wait is that the guy from the beginning?

LENNY

... wwwooooowwww

lenny is an ASSHOLE

LENNY

johnny, johnny honey you do not deserve this

why is this movie full of people who deserve better than they got???

LENNY don’t you DARE

that is NOT OKAY

FUCK YOU

gosh, kid, bless your heart…

SHOW ME THIS FUCKING PAINTING

there are so many different accents in this movie and all it’s doing is confirming the fact that i never left my “i want a boyfriend with a nice voice” phase

“guns nuns and cowboys” idk what this bonanza thing is but i’m in

johnny you are very scary and i’m sorry that your stepdad made you like this.

dude stop touching june?

“it’s tasty and exotic—a bit like your june.” lenny you’re disgusting.

that’s an intense line of questioning, lenny.

this fucking painting.

ARCHIE

STOP FUCKING WITH THE MICROPHONE

oh my god

i literally just want him to never stop talking

omg bob.

dude twelve looks piiiiiiissed.

i think… i missed a part of the plot.

guys i want to be a part of this world but i’m only able to say that because no one’s very asked me to like… torture someone.

or sleep with someone gross.

victor you handsome bastard.

russian is such a guttural language i love it

FUCK YOU LENNY

at least you’re getting better at shooting your whiskey? fucking asshole.

like i like him less and less because he’s just GROSS you guys

jk could still outdrink him.

if you touch archie lenny i will reach through his screen and rip your face off.

i really wouldn’t be threatening someone who could snap you in half but okay

who the hell is cookie?

COOKIE

you look like a one-many party

omg where are your pants

cookie

cookie i love you you disaster of a man

omg i want to be invited to one of these parties

like just let me relax in a corner with an old fashioned and a cute boy

OHHH THEY FUCKED

OH

OKAY

that explains a lot

dude bob that’s—okay but like they thought he was going to prison, that was just an accident

wait does archie know?

dude stella i want to be your friend so you can help me with my wardrobe

… twelve. twelve what are you doing.

stella looks so fucking unimpressed

YEAH BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING

dude, stella, girl, i’m sorry

at least one of you can dance

oh bertie you gay as shit

stella why did you marry this man

i like this closed captioning thing they’re doing.

who. is. the. informant.

“and remember—i *am* dangerous.” yes you are baby.

bertie you are so awkward

bob. bobby no. D:

BOB

oh bertie don’t act like you didn’t like getting bossed around i saw it in your face

y’all he is fucking ENAMORED

i’d go see this guy live.

that bouncer wasn’t fucking around. one hit knockouts.

… john. johnny. what are you doing

JOHNNY DO NOT STAB THE BOUNCER

HE IS MAKING ME SO NERVOUS

HOLY SHIT

JOHNNY

ALL RIGHT COOL LET’S JUST SHANK THE BOUNCER

johnny you are batshit crazy

“fucking mutt” wait, what does that mean?

mumbles is a handsome man.

ohhhh this is an awkward conversation.

“made a pass.” right.

ohhhh. oh he knows.

twelve, dude, i’m sorry.

he looks so uncomfortable.

but hey like this means they didn’t fuck so that’s a thing?

boooob, sweetheart. <3

they’re all such good mixes of good and evil.

except lenny. fuck lenny.

ooooo that lady has pretty hair.

oh wait THAT’S cookie?

then who was pantsless homie?

this movie has such a big cast and i can keep track of like four people.

this club lounge place looks cool though.

he helped him get off the rock? that’s pretty rad.

p.s. this movie has a great soundtrack tbh.

all the same kiddos maybe just stick to weed and the occasional hallucinogens

say no to cocaine and crack

oh, johnny. :(

buddy.

holy SHIT this guy’s scars though!

DUDE

how many scars do these russian guys HAVE

… ADJNSJANSOAPSLKKJADSM

TRAIN

OKAY

WAIT NO TRUCK

JESUS

… more scars i guess?

… wait i wonder if archie has scars like that?

ohhhhh noooo yuri.

yuri did your friends die?

LENNY you’re racist and i do not like you.

oooohhhh why do i feel like so many bad things are gonna happen in the last part of this movie.

twelve you’re limping my baby who hurt you

… oh

OH

THAT is who hurt you

also i ship those two russian guys

i like how stella was apparently just watching the entire thing from a distance

and then has the audacity to critique him lmfao

holly shit right into a STOREFRONT

dude NONE of y’all are having a good day

this entire scene is fucking—something else

guns

knives

golf clubs

just

anything you can pick up and use as a weapon at all

WHAT THE FUCK

ARE THESE DUDES JUST INDESTRUCTIBLE

“ABANDON SHIP RUN FOR YOUR LIVES”

YEAH BITCH AGREED

OH SHIT COPS

BOB ARE YOU JUST GONNA WAVE LIKE THEY’RE YOUR BROS

THIS IS STRESSFUL

PARKOUR

bob you look like a puppy

and twelve looks like a zombie

and then there’s mumbles who just stole the coolest bike helmet i’ve ever seen

twelve, honey, you just can’t catch a break

dude russian guy is fucking RIPPED

kudos to who did the cinematography of this because it looks fucking cool

this is the slowest high-intensity chase i’ve ever seen

ripped and covered in blood. i dig it.

twelve you faker

oh hi ruskies

archie do you own any clothing that’s not black, grey or blue…?

fuck i love that jacket, but it’s so long it just makes him look even taller

LENNY

YOU NEED TO NOT BE SO FUCKING RACIST?

and get your hands off his testicles!

gracious.

everyone in this movie needs jesus.

johnny stop calling him pedro.

can…. can i see the painting please.

please.

guys.

this poor scottish guy.

yuri got cake.

johnny… sorta reminds me of freddie mercury in some of these shots? for like a few seconds at a time.

… okay so i’m full of dread between this monologue and what’s happening on the golf course.

lenny. buddy. you really got like. not do that. stop calling everyone immigrants

OH SHIT

GET HIM

GET HIM VICTOR

YOU GO BABY

this is a weird juxtaposition in terms of scenes though?

like

lenny getting his legs beat

and johnny’s super sad speech about the cigs

dude i can’t bring myself to feel bad for len.

wait where’s archie?

“and that is also why i cannot give that painting back.”

this is a set up for something really really bad.

and then they have moments where they act like dudes i know and i warm up to pete and johnny.

bobby stop fucking with that poor man. you’re gonna make him fall in love with you.

“i’m going back to bed.” “can i come?”

*smack* okay, that shit was funny.

johnny you need some chicken.

oh these motherfuckers.

… guys i wanna be a rocknrolla

lmao a protest

that flat looks disgusting.

dude you need to treat your bro better

ASJANSJASN

THEY TOOK THE PAINTING

CAN I SEE IT

LET ME SEE THIS FUCKING PAINTING

OH MY GOD THIS IS GREAT

if this movie ends without me seeing this fucking painting i’m going to kill someone

good man cookie.

TANK’S WATCHING P&P

COOKIE YOU DA REAL MVP

gerard’s laugh though

OH

… well then

like if she wasn’t so unhappy in her marriage i’d feel bad

THE INFORMANT YES TELL ME

… sydney shaw?

“where did he learn a word like pseudonym?”

awwww he likes her…

oh she likes him!

okay good because that sex didn’t look romantic at all.

“you’ve got very good taste mr. one-two.”

lenny fuck you.

you’re gonna be alive for like three more years, relax.

archie. <3 that protectiveness—even if it is for lenny.

aaannnnddd enter the russians.

what a clustfuck.

wait TWELVE

DAMNIT TWELVE

OPEN YOUR EYES

… oh you are FUCKED

ooosajdnaksdjnajsdna this is anxiety-inducing

y’all this is why drugs are bad

and then nice outside scene. birds chirping. looks like a lovely day.

oh shit ARCHIE WITH A GUN

there’s no way that twelve is still alive

what the FUCK

am i SEEING

dude archie, me too

omg ARCHIE HELP HIM

that SMILE

dude i’d laugh too

OH

OH SHIT

welp.

okay, we all figured archie was gonna kill people

put your FUCKING TONGUE BACK IN YOUR MOUTH

wait he SHOT TWELVE?

omg everything is happening at once.

wait, stella, what’d you do?

OMG

dude she looked FREAKED OUT

yuri… dude, what are you doing…?

UHM

WHAT

WAIT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

STELLA YOU LITERALLY FUCKED TWELVE LIKE A SECOND AGO

ohhhhhhhhhh

ohhhhhhh noooooo

ohhhhh NOOOOO

oh stella, honey you in danger girl

archie looks a thousand percent done and he’s been around this kid thirty seconds

wait archie was in prison?

this sydney shaw person put arch in prison…

duuuuuude younger!archie ;-;

“uncle arch” T.T

WHAT the fuck, lmao

just whipping out his gun, nbd

archie stop that. they’re babies.

johnny man you’ve—been fucked up for a while.

dude archie you look miserable.

ohhhh nobody died.

THANK YOU ARCHIE

GET HIM

i hate this entire family.

who all is about to die in this weird basement silent hill place.

… dude. johnny’s face though.

like i’ve felt like NO sympathy for lenny this entire time but i feel bad for johnny. :/

“a hot bath and a cold razor”

… dude

“because you’re poison john.”

o u c h

but like he is CRAZY

like

help i don’t know who to feel for

i feel for everyone

… except lenny

OH SHIT

WHAT THE FUCK

LENNY

JESUS

DUDE

HE IS GOING TO KILL HIS OWN STEPSON

what the fuck is happening.

YES THE INFORMANT

wait.

WAIT.

IT’S FUCKING LENNY????

OH MY GOD

“you are a VERY dirty bastard sydney.”

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT

THE

FUCK

NO

STOP KILLING EVERYONE

I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

NO NO NO NO  NO NO NO

NO NO NO NO THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED

this is STRESSFUL

“put your hands up!”

*thud*

okay that was funny

THE BOYS!

oh, archie.

oooohhhhh… all this shit…

archie. fuck, you can hear the betrayal in his voice.

shit, this is sad.

“there is no spring without a winter. no life without death.”

… archie?

oh a time skip!

oh SHIT johnny got a GLO UP

“c’mon then give us a cuddle”

i’ll GLADLY you give you a cuddle

OH MY GOD THE PAINTING

SHOW ME

S H O W M E

… you literally put those russian guys in pieces, didn’t you archie.

you terrifying motherfucker.

GUYS I WANT TO BE IN THIS WORLD

FUCK YOU GO GET THEM JOHNNY

... wait was there supposed to be a sequel?

… WAIT

WAIT  NO

NO

YOU FUCKING SHOW ME THAT GOD DAMN PAINTING

oh my god.

fuck it.

fuck that.

nope.

like mid-credit scenes are the least y’all can do.

… wait is that tom and gerard just like fucking with each other, it might be, that’s sort of adorable.

dude that gay club looks like fun though.

i don’t dance because i’ll spill my drink but.

awwwww guys i could watch them dance forever, like, this shit is funny.

ohhhh i hope this means that archie becomes the new lenny. he’d be a much better lenny.

and now we sway to this groovy end credit music while i sit and seethe in hatred that i never saw the painting and i’m pissed about it. :))))))

… fuck.

welp, guess i’ll just have to write shit about how the fuck this dude falls in love with a cop then.

#rocknrolla #commentary #mark strong

[gautierprotectionsquad]

Sins of the Father by Sam Burns Review (contains spoilers

Book 2 of the Wilde Love Series.

“She threw her hands in the air. “It’s our Pride special, Key, what do you want it to look like? Black cheesecake with a side of blood orange sauce? You wanna go full dark for Pride?” i can name you at least 100 queers who would fucking love this.

Keagan ends up with an fbi agent? Shouldn’t be surprised bc the last book featured a cop but i thought Keagan was going to be the dark sexy badass of the book and he was going to fall for a normal dude.

Personal preference note but not a fan that other than Casey (Liam’s best friend) all of the named women in the last book are straight. I hope this changes. It always feels weird when i’m reading adult queer romance but only men are queer. Like I see even queer authors do this. You can have your women characters dating each other. TJ Klune does it. It just feels weird.

The author, Sam Burns, is a he and lives with his husband and cat. Sam. Write more wlw into this series i beg.

I did my homework so I’m actually going to read this book now. Except i’m supposed to be paying attention to my classmates’ presentation.

I love that Owen loves the cheesecake. Both Quinn boys shitted on the cake bc of the way it looks but thought it tasted heavenly.

I like Brigit but she is a little too concerned over her friend’s dating life. As an ace, I HATE those people.

“And liking guys and eating rainbow cheesecake doesn’t mean I have to like hugging people. Later!” Owen you are 100% right but how is hugging a stereotype? Bc it’s “girly”?

Jon sees the Quinns as the enemy. This series does an exploration of the morally gray, more obvious when it had Alex, philosophy major, as the pov character. It’s interesting seeing how little the fbi knows about the Quinns and interesting that Jon talked to 2 agents who had different opinions on Keagan. I don’t like that book 2 has me with another “person of the law” bc while i can enjoy copaganda in shows, I despise it in books. This isn’t complete copaganda bc moral grayness and the book makes you love the criminals but it still views cops as “good guys”.

Jon and Alex both had their soulmate at their back and heard their voice before they saw their face.

Brigit wanted him out of there at first but I think she ships them now. Yeah. The book points out how annoying it is. Calls it the “oh my god you’re gay you should date my gay friend” look. This book uses its platform to talk about the slight annoyances of having straight friends. Imma shut up now.

I don’t want Jon to succeed in his goal and honestly the story has an easy answer. B Quinn retires. He’s old. His children won’t be his successors. The business he specifically deals in dies with his retirement. There really isn’t any point going after him or putting him in jail. Just let his career die as it will. He’s old with no successors.

I like that Jon has a good relationship with his family. I like Miles. He doesn’t have any friends though so I guess the good relationship with your family thing is just so he has someone to talk to. Liam also had a good relationship with some family but he also had friends so he didn’t talk to his family in the book.

Owen may be demiromantic.

Jon isn’t working the Quinn case anymore so less conflict than before. He’s interested in Quinn and way too honest and upfront.

This man flirted with you a tiny bit once and you switch assignments and try to ask him out. Like i would expect a little bit more flirting to happen before you go that far.

I don’t know how to feel about Jon just yet...I just realized his name is spelled like jon sims. Book made the mistake of telling me he was fbi. I liked Liam before i knew he was a cop so i could set my irl morals aside for a fictional character.

One thing i like about these books which seems it’s going to be a pattern for at least the first two books in the series is the lack of drama. Two characters decide they have feelings for each other and then nothing gets in between them.

Hmm. so the fbi and Jon and Jon’s family don’t care that Jon is dating Keagan but his dad does care that Keagan is dating an agent.

If Jon finds his job boring, why can’t he just quit? They don’t respect him and limit what he’s allowed to do bc he’s gay anyway. Just quit. Make the smart move that Liam didn’t. But if he quits then there wouldn’t be any *conflict*. Except Jon’s morals. I love these books but i’m GLAD the next one isn’t going to have a “person of the law” in it.

“I know Jenna said no PDA, but as it turns out, I’m the guy who owns the place.”

Ok their date at Wildes was super cute.

Oh i forgot an ex of Keagan’s was going to cause drama. Ick. i hate ex drama.

Keagan is so cute. He BLUSH! He blush hard!

Jon’s brother is ACE!! I knew I liked him. (Em/Miles)

This book is ok but I’m more excited to read the next book. It was through book 3 that i found this series. From the description, I think Brian is a sex repulsed ace which is AWESOME. Also, it’s clear this author did their research (if they aren’t ace themselves) bc “He’s had it, and he says it’s okay, but it’s not something he cares about. It’s like doing the dishes because you’re supposed to.” is an accurate description!

I’m headcannoning miles as autistic.

MILES AND BRIGIT ARE FLIRTING. Good. i like both of them.

Ok i like Jon now. Hearing about how shitty all Keagan’s exes were makes Jon look perfect.

Oh. Apparently his dad has hated every boyfriend of Keagans. Usually Keagan would agree and the relationship would eventually die out. But Jon was the first time he told his dad to fuck off with that shit.

Jon and Keagan have good chemistry. It took a bit to get there. I think it strongly helps that this author knows how to write jokes. The lovers being able to joke with each other and make each other laugh themselves silly and smile till it hurts is a strong contender for illustrating how perfect they are together.

So is Jon not going to tell him what he found just so he doesn’t seem like a creep? It was his coworker who suggested and looked him up anyway. It would be good for Keagan to know.

I hate every single one of Keagan’s exes.

Ugh Phil. Shut up go away i hate you.

“You’re thinking about having sex with him right now, aren’t you?” Phil asked. He looked annoyed.

“No?” Keegan couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “Maybe.”

REALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD! OH MY GOD Phil’S LITERALLY EATING A SALAD IN THIS SCENE!

“I’m giving you something Phil’s never had.” What? Your undivided attention?sdfrgthydwfg. (have i been spelling Keegan’s name wrong this whole time?)

Is english major guy Brian? No his name’s Javi Bennet.

Keagan’s face is so easy to read. I can’t believe he used to be a gangster.

Mickey might be demisexual. This is based on nothing except he’s been in an on again off again relationship with a girl since middle school and he ends up with one of his closest friends.

Surprised Keagan didn’t talk to Jon about the guilt he still feels over that child’s death years ago and that they never talk about his disabled arm.

Keagan is a little dumb and surprisingly too trusting but I love that for him.

Anyway, like the last book the last words were “i love you” plus for both it was the first i love you.

END.

#romanticsap #book reviews #sam burns #Sins of the father #lgbt books #mlm books #long post