#except that time I literally was one for a month

[dulcesiabits]

the sun is also a star.

summary: Literally just two drabbles of mhin with my oc Li where they try to bring her back to life when she dies because there is nothing sexier than obsession that even death cannot stop!

notes: 2.2k words, necromancy (descriptions of bodies + cleaning bones + emotional aftermath of bringing someone back to life)

i. I Put Every Bone of Yours Back in Place

There’s a certain clean beauty about bones, Mhin finds, that provide a reassuring and familiar weight to death.

There are 206 bones in an average human body. 80 of those bones make up the axial skeleton, and the remaining 126 bones make up the appendicular skeleton. But what Mhin finds most interesting is that a human is born with 270 bones. Somewhere, during the process of growth and development, those 64 bones are fused with other bones. To change, you must give something up. To live in the world means suffering losses, losses one isn’t even aware of.

Of course, the pages of an anatomical textbook don’t quite capture the reality of a human’s growth. There are always mutations and exceptions. Bones don’t always fuse properly, or someone may simply have been born with extra bones in their hands. It’s difficult to tell if those bones don’t affect the quality of life enough to warrant a checkup with a medical professional. No, it’s only after death that one can gauge the extent of their own deviancy, marked into their very core.

Li, thankfully, only has the average number of bones. Two hundred and six exactly, with no outlying pieces. That makes it easy for them to collect all parts of her. When Mhin lays them on the ground in a facsimile of a human’s shape, they can almost pretend it’s Li again. Her delicate wrist bones, the curve of each rib, the twist of her femur, set in their proper places. She’s beautiful, right down to her skeletal structure.

They wipe their forehead, but all it does is smear grime across their skin: rotten dirt and the faint tinge of death, blood from their own scraped fingers and flesh (from who or what they forget) caught under their nails. It had taken months for them to find her body, months of feverishly patrolling the wastelands, even begging Ais and his disgusting minions for help when weeks of searching turned fruitless. They weren’t above that, not even when their fists tightened at his little smirk. Ais would hold it over their head, they knew.

But all that mattered was that her body was found, monsters and scavengers having already nibbled on every tender part of her, clothing long since reduced to tags and tatters. Her bones shone like stars in the muck. She would be unrecognizable to anyone else, but not to Mhin. There was not a world in which they would not know her.

They had run to her body. Finally, here she was again, and they had fallen to their knees as they picked up her corpse, hugging it to their chest, gore slopping onto their chest, mindless to anything else. It didn’t matter if their shirt stained. It would be better if it stained, if her rotting flesh sunk into the fabric, so they would always carry her with them.

It took time to clean off the bones, too. That was the most exhausting part. To take her body with them into the city in the darkness of the night, to run each part under water, to scrape off all the distended flesh and severed skin without chipping her bones. To gently detangle chunks of yellowing brain matter from the hollow cavity of her skull, watching the flesh fall with a wet slap in the sink. To brush carefully around each opening, which were more delicate and prone to breakage. Through hardened muscle, dead nerves, and congealed blood. To watch the bones pile up, piece by piece, like snowfall, day after day.

Sometimes they had brought her skull to their face, to stare into the eye sockets, the rows of teeth. It was the first piece of her that they had saved. They could feel the memory of her warmth when they closed their eyes, concentrating on how the  flesh that once stretched over her skull felt. Her scarred skin, her callouses, the freckle on her knuckle. 

They pressed their lips to the hollow teeth, where lips should have been. Nothing but the taste of soap and death. Their first kiss, in months. 

She loved to kiss them when she was still around. Mhin would reciprocate begrudgingly, their sour attitude doing little to deter her from throwing her arms around them and peppering their face in kisses. She was like an over eager affectionate puppy, and Mhin had never liked dogs for precisely that reason. But she was an exception, just barely.

The kiss they remembered most had been in her shitty apartment, kneeling in front of each other on faded red cushions. There was a pot of cooling oolong tea in front of them, and Li had found a veil somewhere that she had tossed over her head, just for fun, she claimed. It made her look like a ghost, the lace fluttering over her galaxy of hair.

Wedding rites for their people always involved family, from the little Mhin remembered of matrimonial customs. But neither of them had family left. All they had was each other. So for the tea drinking ceremony, they poured each other cups of steaming tea, raising it to their lips to sip. To honor the only family they had.

There were the three bows, too. But they remembered thinking, even then, that they wouldn’t bow to anyone. Not the uncaring heaven, not their distant ancestors. The only one they would bow to would be to the woman in front of them.

It was an unofficial ceremony. There was no one to proclaim that they now belonged to each other, no city to record whatever they were. But that never mattered. They didn’t need anyone else to prove their relationship was real. 

This had been real. Li, in front of them. The bitter tea lingering on their tongue. The sunlight, filtering across the dusty air, making her holy.

They had pushed back her veil, then, and she had smiled mischievously as she grabbed their hand, before pulling the veil so it fell over both of them instead. A benediction, as soft as snow, covering the world in a gauzy, dream of white as she brought her lips to theirs.

The very night they finish cleaning her bones, they return to the wastelands. And now they are laying her bones down piece by piece, in correct anatomical order. They had studied their own textbooks feverishly, just to ensure they wouldn’t mess up the placement, not at this critical juncture. They count over each bone, an obsessive gesture they’ve repeated throughout the night. 206. 206. 206. All in order, all laid out precisely as it would be if Li was taking a nap with her arms outstretched. 

The moonlight filters down. Soulless call in the distance, but their dagger is ready at their hip. For an instant, Mhin lets themself relax, and bends down to caress Li’s skull again. The intimate parts of her, which no one but them would ever know and understand.

It was thoughtless of her to leave them behind. She had always been a little scatter-brained and clumsy, prone to having the money stolen right out of her pocket despite being a self-proclaimed thief. But this was her worst mistake yet. To die without them. To rest so peacefully, while making them suffer. 

It went against what she always said: that it would just be the two of them, together. And yet she had left them. She had taken on a dangerous job, an escort mission across miles of barren wastelands, soulless at every corner. She had gone out that fateful night, blowing them kisses, promising to return, and then never came home. Hypocrite. How could she do that to them? 

But it was fine. It would be fine, and they could forgive her. They would be together again. Mhin was simply fulfilling the promise they made. Even if she cursed them and cried and begged for peace, they would drag her back down to earth, back to their side. It wouldn’t be right otherwise.

They stare down at her bones again. Resurrection was a forbidden art, but Leander had lent them the proper tools for the ritual, the magic and the spells, like a snake whispering in their ear. Weeks of fruitless searching on their own, and Leander was the only one who could offer them what they needed. They would take whatever hand offered them a way to save her, even if it was from someone like him.

Because they were hers, and she was theirs, and not even death would separate them. They would bring her back, and they would tie her so tightly to them that they would be together in every life after this. 

Mhin took a breath, and spoke the opening words of the spell as the moonlight spilled over Li’s bones, as if she was waiting for them, too.

ii. Even if You Come Back Wrong, You’re Still Mine

“Sorry.” That’s the first word Li spoke to them, with her palms outstretched in front of her, like a scolded puppy. “It fell.”

It’s easy enough to see the bone protruding from her right hand, the finger cupped in her palms. Mhin lets out a short little sigh. Things like this had become common as of late, her body disintegrating bit by bit after the ritual. 

“It’s fine,” they say, gesturing for her to sit. “We can just fix it.”

Li obediently perches on the kitchen chair, and Mhin kneels in front of her, gently taking her broken hand in their own. Her skin is cold, and no amount of rubbing could bring the warmth back into her skin. They had tried, but whatever warmth from their touch her skin absorbed would simply dissipate in a few hours.

They take out the sewing kit from their pocket, a recent benediction from Kuras. When they had tersely asked him for medical supplies, for thick, transparent thread and needles that could puncture skin, Kuras had wordlessly handed them the kit without question. There was never any judgment or pity with Kuras, but his gaze had still seared their skin.

Mhin deftly threads the needle, holding the finger in place, and makes quick, even stitches across Li’s finger. They’re good at delicate work like this, that requires intense concentration and little thought. It’s soothing how the world can always be broken down into patterns and rhythms, into familiar, repetitive motions.

When they’re done, Li stares at her own finger like a stranger.

“Open and close your hand,” Mhin instructs, and she does. The finger moves normally, and they nod.

“Mhin,” Li says, slowly, absently.

“What is it?” they snap, and she only blinks owlishly. Before, she would have shrugged off their complaints as easily as one does water, with a blindly bright and foolish smile. She might have even called them cute.

Li had never been one for quick thinking outside of a fight, but now, her mind seems to move slowly, thoughts struggling to break through the murky surfaces of her own brain. She once worked on instinct and intuition, and now all of her animal senses had been deadened to a dullness that made her stumble where she once would have leaped.

It was as much as what Vere had said, when the bastard had swung by their apartment, ears pricking at the “new amusement” Mhin had been so fixated with that it meant no one in Eridia had seen them outside their apartment in weeks. Vere had deigned to chat with his old gossip partner for a few minutes, but with each dull response of Li’s, Vere’s ears flattened against his head, a sharp, displeasurable scowl on his face. Mhin had then considered slotting their dagger right against his heart when Vere suggested that they should throw away toys that no longer worked. 

Li watched them with blank eyes the entire exchange, in the same way she watches them now. There’s a veil fluttering across her gaze, and if they only knew the right words, the right actions, they could finally reach past it to grasp her hand.

“Your face…” she says, and cups their cheeks with her cool palms. They’re still kneeling in front of her, and she gazes down at them, like a blessing.

“What about it?” They lean into her touch, into the smooth skin of death. 

“You look…” she frowns. “Sad.” Her words are uncertain.

“I’m not.”

“Okay,” she says.

But for a moment more, they can’t move, can’t pull away from her hands, which have always captivated them. “Li, do you remember what we talked about?” Mhin asks curtly.

She tilts her head. “Which conversation?”

They bring their hands to cover hers, trapping her touch in place. “About what we are.”

She nods, and like a pupil reciting a lesson, states, “That we’re always going to be together, no matter what.”

“Right. Just be sure to keep that in mind,” they say. “That’s the one thing you can’t forget.”

“Okay.”

They close their eyes. “You’re here now,” they repeat. “You’re here. You’re right here.”

“I’m here,” she repeats. 

Learned behaviors are just as necessary as innate behaviors. And love is also something that could be learned again, as many times as needed. As long as they kept their hands on hers, then they could believe that the chill of her winter had finally melted away to spring again.

#liya writes #liya’s ocs #touchstarved #mhin #mhin x oc #mhin x mc #touchstarved fanfic #sorry idk how to tag these things when its not x reader lmfaooooo #anyways i actually have like. an insane amount of lore for li hiding in my drafts this is just the tip of the iceberg #i just think its cute to pair mhin w someone who is so oblivious self confident and selfish she just pushes past all their walls

[sugarsnappeases]

rita skeeter, at the end of the first war

#the song is show you a body by haley heynderickx #heard it for the first time like. yesterday and have been plagued by visions since #idk if this will make sense to anyone else but this is as close as i could get to what's in my head #rita skeeter #this is post quillkiller btw and rita is obsessively tracking and reporting on bella's trial #and writing article after article and most of them are shittty and nonsensical but there are some that are just the most heartrending thing #and those are the ones she's burning and she's not talking to anybody except to snap at them like literally ripping their heads off #and insisting she's fine but she hasn't slept for more than an hour at a time in months and the only thing she's been drinking is coffee #or alcohol #she hasn't cleaned her flat or let herself properly feel any of her emotions in months and she's FINE she's completely fine stop fucking #asking!! and she's working herself down to the bone bc it's the only thing that's holding her together and nobody understands how she's #still alive and still functioning and then suddenly. she isn't. and she just completely crashes #anyway #kara’s moodboards

[lucalicatteart]

Finally finished my weird hanging painting thing (originally a secondhand partially-done 'paint by numbers' kit that I found at a thrift store and kept to repurpose lol)! Imagery somewhat based in my own worldbuilding projects, and text written in my constructed language for one of my fantasy species, but also vaguely inspired by old tapestries and illuminated manuscripts and etc. I've never been great at neat clean patterning or text, but it looks cool from afar, and I always enjoy making "props" or things that are somewhat like real objects that might could exist in my world. :0

(additional pictures/info under the readmore)

-

Here's what it was originally! I probably didn't have to actually have a river running down the middle because it further makes the composition of the whole thing weird (various connected yet separate locations and things happening, instead of one unified event being portrayed), but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fully cover up the already existing paint that was there.. and I can also kind of justify it by going with a more "all the imagery is just symbolic so it doesn't have to make exact sense" approach lol.. How is one half of the grass green and the other is suddenly snowy? shhhh.. it's not literal.. shhh...

Made a vague sketch, then painted over it, and then added more distinct lines in black pen. Center image first and border second.

The very last thing was the text, which actually took forever to translate because my conlang is still only like.. partially done, and some of the grammar is not worked out exactly how I would like it to be, so a few sentences I had to think about for a long time before just going "eh, this is probably not how I would do it if I considered it more, but I'll go with it for now" lol . I also am not entirely satisfied with all of the characters for the writing system, but again, it's good enough for a quick project, it doesn't have to be 100% accurate and perfect because it's a fake language that nobody knows anyway lol.

I thought about breaking down the text and translation here like I have for some of the tidbits of Avirrekava (the language) in things I've posted in the past, but I think it would take too long and is not interesting to anyone but me ghghj, so for the sake of getting the post out quickly, I shall not spend an hour typing All That lol.

The general jist of the writing though is that it's just about the Avirre'thel being cast out from the other elves, after abandoning their magic for immortality as a means to truly attain perfection (an important concept in elven culture), the usual, blah blah blah, but how it's Actually A Good Thing, because the gods are wrong and immortality is Cool actually and they like the shitty frozen lands they were sent to, so it's fine that everyone else is being a Hater about it lol

Lastly, here's a few photos outside in the sun to TRY and show the gold detailing actually shimmering or showing up! It really doesn't come through in photos, but there's plenty of little golden spots to highlight light or Importance.

Mostly the fire, the pink sparkle that represents magic, the red drop that represents blood, the light behind Inaashi's hands and head (common symbol for the elven religion/one of their main gods, shout out to anyone who read the ancient elven religion post and recognized that lol), the sun, and the symbol for the Avirre'thel/country of Navyete at the very top. I did a few other gold bits, but they're not highlighted because they're Significant, more just that it looked more symmetrical to have some gold on the border too lol.

Other things of note: The animals are not actually significant to Avirre'thel culture really, I just wanted to put a cat and a bird because I like them lol. (I also wanted to have a few funny looking creatures, as I was slightly trying to go with the 'in some old medieval painting the anatomy and perspective is very weird' vibe, though I think some of the other parts of it look too Normal to pull it off entirely). Same with the four leaf clover, which means nothing in their culture - but these are the only areas where stuff was just added self-indulgently .

Bligabata (giant cabbage that grows along rivers in Navyete) making an appearance! The architecture of the building IS based on actual concepts for ancient elven/older Avirre'thel architecture and metalwork. The Avirre'thel who's turning away from Inaashi/elves/magic and collecting blood, is doing so in a Special Bowl, as is part of their culture (collecting it in the hands, or just in a normal vessel would be disrespectful, they have Specific Bowls which is the only thing blood can be kept in, etc.).

The figure that represents Jhevona (and thus, a closer connection to magic, celestial imagery, etc.) is in weird ugly teal, which is not necessarily a color or design associated with them, as I don't have much common culture (like clothing) worked out for Northern Jhevona (who the avirre'thel would have come into contact with) yet, BUT everyone else is in more Typical colors (a northern elf in green, Inaashi in lavender + white + blue, an Avirre'thel in darker purples and reds).

Some things, like the four figures in the corners, and the two people + fish in the stream, do not currently have a meaning, but in-world they would.. Like, I could make up lore for how they're culturally significant and it would be true because I am god of the world, but I don't have anything currently. But just know.. they DO mean something, I just haven't decided it yet, maybe kind of fill in as I go, come up with a meaning later lol. Probably along the lines of an old myth from the ancient elven religion, a story, etc.

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I don't know, probably other stuff, but that's my Trying To Keep It Short rambling for now lol. I'm just glad I finally finished this! For how vaguely sloppy it is up close (everything being completely freehanded, only used rulers once when doing the initial sketch and lining where the border should be + my hands are shaky + the canvas is bumpy + my handwriting is scratchy and terrible + etc. etc.) it still took a REALLY long time, even when not trying to make it all perfect. Especially if including the text translation + writing, which took like 3+ hours itself.

Maybe all the asymmetry/lack of things being centered is NOT because I was too lazy to measure anything, but is actually because in-universe, it's a practice illustration made by some young apprentice who has to work on little canvases for years before he can be trusted will a full sized mural or tapestry. It's his first week on the job! of course he's uncoordinated! don't laugh at him!!! lol

#worldbuilding #elves #I AM WORKING ON A NEW PAVENTURE POST also !!!! I know I keep being like 'oh I'm going to get back to that! I'll stick to it this time!!' #and then another whole month goes by without me posting a new poll adventure - however - this time I DID fully intend to so #*do another one soon but my beloved beautiful perfect cat unfortunately passed away AND there was a heat #wave ANd I felt sick for a while for unrelated reasons so I just genuinely was not focused on posting online at all #I am trying to get back to it though along with other things hopefully so. #ANYWAY #avirre'thel #irithoas #maybe???? not super relevant to elves but I'll keep it intheir tag anyway also. Just since their lore is so closely tied with avirre'thel s #stuff and they're mentioned in the post. Or the gods are. Inaashi is. #OIGUGUGUGUHH I should have done a tapestry with the FCJhjkING triplets!!!!! Sehalanora Semoniyare and the other one whatever the hell #his name is. ... sehalanora my beloved .. (I'm referencing the ancient elven gods - for those who dont know) #It's funny that I rarely watch tv shows and when I do I rarely if EVER care about characters at all in any capacity #with maybe like a handful of even then extremely minor exceptions so I cannot relate to the concept of like 'having a blorbo' or whatever #but then for my extremely niche worldbuilding content #.. it's like OMG MY FAVORITE character!!! my favorite obscure god from a religion #that I entirely made up myself for a cultural group that I also made up that literally only I and maybe like two other #people who are able to sit through my novel long dry and wordy worldbuilding posts care about!! you all know them DUH!! #even WITHIN modern elven culture in the world at the moment in current day most people do not give a shit about them hghj #BUT .. I should have made a painting of the siblings actually!!! I stand by that!! #I mean I like Inaashi and Nisateyu and everything too. Actually all of them are fine except for Ea'ivuyera I guess. whoever the #like War and Order bootlicker god is basically. and the Evil dumbass one. but all the others are fine. I'm suprised I'm even able to rememb #that many ancient elven goofily long names ghgh.. But I could have maybe made it about the elven gods #The thing is just that.. i Don't have ancient elvish worked out as a language and I knew I wanted to put text on it #so it kind of HAD to be something written/drawn by the Avirre'thel #Knwoledge of the ancient elven gods is still a thing in their culture. But usually more as a joke or just a common fairytale knowledge #sort of thing. not really something to make a painting of. Inaashi is here less because of Inaashi The God being genuinely significant and #and more just she's there to Symbolize the elven religion as a whole. just like all the other figures are mere symbols of things. etc.

[definitelynotnia]

im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate? #i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present] #and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?'' #and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

[rubyfunkey]

do splatterscope users know they HAVE to ink in turf war. do they know that the winning determinant is whoever has the most turf inked and not whoever has the most kills. it doesnt matter if you get 9 kills if you have an ink score of like 130 your team is probably going to lose

#talk talk talk #splatoon 3 #this is aimed at every splatterscope user except those two e-liters that somehow find me once a month and target me relentlessly #because i squidbagged them one time back in august #i respect them #but they concern me #ive never been able to kill them even once

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[pawphin]

i admire everyone that has been mentally ill over a source for over a year because my brain is absolutely incapable of staying on a source for more than 7 months

#the longest ive ever fixated on a new source was naruto.. 7 months #my brain just CANNOT stay on one thing and it doesnt mean i dont still love it #i need stimulation and newness or i will fade away into dust #my t-p-n phase was around 4 months? which is VERY impressive considering how they usually last around two #not that i still dont dearly love t-p-n i LOVE it i would die for any of them #but fixation is very different and i am firmly planted in h-x-h land #dunno how long itll last but you know what i love the thing and im gonna talk about it because i love it #h-x-h is also the first time in a literal YEAR that i have completely and utterly fixated over an entirely new source #not counting splat because i didnt really fixate on it in october its just my favorite game #kind of how i love pokemon except pokemon is like. the ULTIMATE thing but its definitely up there

[pepprs]

just went thru all of the notes on that post and like. YEAH. it’s a fucking wonder. like i should get to scream. i should get to lie down. i should get to have as many treats as i want for free.

#purrs #menstruation tw #literally so tmi but the pain + digestive issues + constant paranoia abt leaking + pain + exhaustion because of blood loss + exhaustion beca #because of sleep deprivation because of pain + pain + discomfort + the mortifying ordeal of leaving the room with your purse or taking out a #heating pad and everyone knows why + being in situations where you CANT use a heating pad because you have to walk somewhere or meet in a di #different place + pain + the fact that i can’t just reschedule shit when im dealing with it and can’t schedule around it and there aren’t #social structures in place to make it easy to do that + the fact that you aren’t supposed to talk about it even though it is all consuming + #pain and pain and pain. and it happens EVERY MONTH and if it doesn’t happen every month then either you’re suppressing it and risking #consequences or you’re pr*gn*nt and definitely unequivocally experiencing consequences or you’re menopausal which idk what the fuck that #even does but it’s not good or you’re getting it MORE frequently because you have a condition of some kind. like. the absolute suffering and #hellfire. i don’t want to play into the stereotype of menstruating ppl being bitchy and mean and hysterical but like.. not to say it but i #GET ITCOMOLETELY. why ppl thought it was hysteria and a curse and whatever. because it is 💖 no one should ever have to experience this 💖 #delete later #ask to tag #brought to you by i haven’t even finished my dinner and i had to go lie down bc im in too much pain lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 #* digestive issues that need to be dealt with like… posthaste except (SO TMI SORRY) i have anxiety abt um. doing that in restrooms other ppl #can go into at the same time as me so ihave to scurry down MULTIPLE flights of stairs praying that the single user bathrooms are open so i #can shit in peace 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[lucky-draws]

why am i like oh no maybe i post maria too much when i literally spent 2021-2022 posting nothing but ocie. well i will unlearn my misogyny and post even more maria

#in 2023 i posted no art except for maybe one banger and a handful of bad sketches #rn im like oh god i want a JOB but also kind of enjoying the extra time for art that unemployment affords me. such is life #i really need to get back into writing though i haven't been reading enough:/ i have ideas but sitting down k to write is so much scarier #than drawing #also wait it's literally like less than 2 months til summer holidays so i will literally have time to play m/gsv oh god #if my laptop can cope then i guess summer 2024 will be my m/etal gear resurgence. my rising revengeance resurgence 🔥 #i was looking back at some old art the other week bc i was sorting thru my old computer files and all my art scans are on there and i was #like good god the proportions the cringe etc. which is good because it means i improved. but also there's some old stuff thats kind of #“better” or more fun or something than some of the recent stuff despite the technical ugliness and im like .yearns for that sparkle etc #also i miss the where's ocie era it was fun.i need to do it again in some form it would probably b quite rejuvenating to get sillay again

[raininyourbedroom]

every so often my depression causes me to impulsively look up my ex best friend and ex boyfriend from high school a million years ago on Facebook and ya know? I always feel better about myself afterwards

#karma is my boyfriend karma is a god! karma's a relaxing thought aren't you envious that for you it's not!!!!!! #they said id be nothing without them ☺️ and my sources tell me they don't have anything really going for them #and like i dont want their lives to suck they're not TERRIBLE people #but i cant help but 🤭 #ex best friend is on her second husband and we're 24/25 years old which isn't necessarily a bad thing #except one mutual friend of ours who only keeps tabs on the ex bff in order to get the tea says that this dude is as shitty as the last #and that he only married her bc shes pregnant #and ex boyfriend WAS engaged a year or so ago but she broke it off 👀👀👀 #which is sad and all but he literally broke up with me out of the blue FIVE TIMES in high school then a few months later gave me puppy eyes #and asked to get back together again and me being a stupid teenager always said yes! #cause karma is the thunder rattling your ground 🤭🤭🤭 #i have less info on his life but from what i do know he's not having a good time #meanwhile im married to a wonderful man and have a stable job i love

[robinsnest2111]

always fun whenever I bring up an anecdote from my childhood and it turns out it wasn't an anecdote, but actually recounting an apparently traumatic event. at least according to the people I tell the anecdote to.

#somehow my dnd group got to the topic of punishments for bad behaviour we got from our parents as children #and i casually mentioned how i got grounded for months at a time and got basically socially isolated #also all electronics taken away and cable cut on the tv. all i had were books while i had to stay in my room #also the 10 liter buckets of cold water dumped on me and my bed when depression kept me from getting up in the mornings #all to correct bad/annoying behaviour brought on by untreated mental illness #I've lived with this for over 15 years now it's become normal to me but apparently that's not normal? #one of my dnd buddies who was in the day clinic program with me says it checks out with all the other stuff i told him about my childhood #anyway. thought of the day tbh #(clarification my parents haven't done this in YEARS it was only around the time school was still mandatory to attend for me #and my parents would've received a hefty fine if i didn't go semiregularly amd got decent grades and decent education) #now that i'm an adult with a job and am taking care of my own business they don't punish me anymore #(except the one time i was still unable to work due to chronic pain and the painsomnia made me pass out during the daytime #so my father decided to cut off wifi access from all of my electronics for weeks to 'fix me' like old times) #but that was just one thing. no biggie

[spacejammie-eimmajecaps]

The thing about chronic pain is that I'll be experiencing the usual horrors (pain and discomfort that isn't possible to fully ignore) but I'm not even phased, like this is just a normal Wednesday night for me.

#it hurts but i can ignore it if i keep myself occupied with other stuff #which means its not that bad #but its bad enough that trying to sleep is out of the question #and that means its another night of taking melatonin with as much advil as my kidneys can tolerate and hoping for the best #disabilty pride month except instead of pride i feel nothing but apathy and discomfort #ngl i am getting more and more discouraged as time goes on bc i am getting less and less good days #and i am losing abilities ive always taken for granted #like being able to drive for longer than 20 minutes #or doing chores #or literally just being able to stand long enough to like cook a single without it using up all my energy for the day #not even exaggerating #i can at best cook one meal a day now #on bad days i cannot cook anything that cant just be microwaved or popped in the toaster #ever since i had covid last summer it seems like my health started getting worse at a much faster rate that it was before #my neurologist said it probably triggered cfs/me and that its basically a form a long covid #which fucking sucks so bad #like exercise helps some of my other conditions but i cannot exercise at all anymore without triggering a bad crash #there is no winning #siiiiiiiiiiigh #its fine though #we carry on

[szczylpierdolony]

purchased a pair of shoes.

#they’ll be here sometime next week #i dont buy shoes often so this is big and they’re nice shoes too #both in the sense that they’re real leather and expensive but also bc they’re dressy and i don’t. really have anything like that #i wanted to get loafers but u couldn’t find a pair i liked bc everything was made from vegan leather and o hate that shit #so i got like. balled flats with a strap and they look really cute #i feel bad about the price but also this is just how it is with leather. and also they should last a long time #ughhhhhhh #i need to go thrifting btw #i need some collared short sleeves and maybe i’ll finally find jeans or cool pants #i haven’t bought any clothes except for sweatpants and hoodie for over a year now i think #and these were both sth i actually needed #maybe i’ll wait until march that’s a lucky thrift month in my experience #but also they closed my favourite thrift storeeee ughhhhh #whatever. there are 2 downtown and one near where i live and one near my sisters apartment #ok maybe not near but close enough ig plus if i take a tram from downtown the stop is literally in front of it #maybe i’ll find a dress…. #also i need to rebleach some of my hair bc it’s sooo horrendously patchy #like i did. such a bad job oh god #i’ll do it tomorrow i think #but i am enjoying the pink a ton

[joestarfucker420]

going from being ashton all week to being my legal name again is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world

#ashtonstfu #also i either have to quit my job and move to illinois with my parents in like less than four months or uh hope i can find a job that can #support me AND a place to live based off that salary before they move and honestly #i’d rather fucking die than have to move with my parents but i have zero job prospects so #idk i guess i’ll just hope i die in my fucking sleep #and like i can’t blame my parents like i know it’s a good paying job my dad has and like he likes the area but like #CAN YOU FUCKING GIVE ME TIME #i won’t even offically have my degree til like may even tho i’ll be done in march #i’ve applied to literal hundreds of jobs but since my skills aren’t the best cause i don’t have any real world experience no one wants to #even interview me or train me or ANYTHING and the only way to get better is my practicing but i need more structure or something and if #someone would just be willing to train me at a fucking job i could do it!! but no one wants to do that except fucking sales jobs and i cant #do that shit again it is soul crushing #anyways i’m gonna have a full on mental breakdown cause uh #i’m too fucking overwhelmed i don’t have anything and i can’t move with them it’ll be a nightmare #if they would just slow the fuck down i might have a chance but we have a fucking realator coming thursday and i have so much shit to clean #i don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do #even if by some miracle i get a job i have no credit and no money so fuck finding a place to live #it’s impossible #i’m gonna go throw up probably

[endigolikesarson]

I like franziska von karma a normal amount

#this is a lie #i stole her name #i go by Franizksa/Fran now #along with Endigo ofc #I want to look like her #she is so gender??? #I go feral whenever I see her #she takes up like 90% of my thoughts #I literally wrote a fran centered fanfic #it was orignally franmaya but I was so focused on Fran that the franmaya didn't really show up till the end #words can not describe how much I love her #one time someone said I looked like her and it was the best compliment I have ever received #I have a plush of her I bought for like $30 and waited an entire month to get #I go on etsy regularly and look for franziska stuff even tho I don't have a means to buy any right now #I am going to write an analysis of her character once I finish aai2 #I take any chance i get to talk about her to my friends who know nothing about AA except for what I have told them #Franziska von Karma is life #live laugh love Franziska von Karma #ace attorney #franziska von karma

[meatriarch]

im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );

can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.

but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.

you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,

that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.

that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.

and in that moment everything seems solidified.

you're never getting away.

there's no point in it.

there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.

you're dead.

not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.

what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?

who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?

the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.

#[ ♡ ] ── * maria f. / 𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦. #[ 𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘦. ] ── * queue. #[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * cold case. #[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * no one saved you. #for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the #broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill. #who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to #do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of #connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated. #SO fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you. #who talks to you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist #like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion. #but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living. #and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then? #for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now. #why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now? #in nosy she suppresses it w. her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came back #20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then? at any point in the last two decades?