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#excerpt from a book i'll never write

Drunk off my ass

Again they fucked me up

I take two pills fill water in my cup

I fill my tub up to the brim

Drinking one more glass of wine let’s take a swim

I’ve been lying about how everything is fine

That lie can no longer shine


My hearts been fucking up for so long

My lungs are no longer strong

My soul is no longer within me

Hanging on can not be

My body is giving up

I guess this is my death cup


Am I even still a human?

Why didn’t they shoot me?

Why did they not put me down?

Down in my grave

Down on that lane of me not to be saved

Death has always been my way

Because that has been my path I say


Life isn’t worth staying alive

Because I lost my price tag

After all that’s been said

Everything that has been dread

All I have become

That was nothing but being numb


Dust in the wind

Whispers in a crowd

Drop on the floor

I can’t take no more

Banging on the door

I’m so done with this war

Done with the empty feeling

Numb with the stuff that ain’t reciprocating


Done with my own self

Done with being put on a shelf

Done being no one always shunned

I already know I’m no credit for anyone


But they keep me around

Why do they?

Is it because I am the loveliest?

Is it because I’m the kindest?

Is it because I’m so caring?

Is it because I am me and people look for someone like me


People want someone like me?

I don’t know but this is how Ill go

I am exhausted of feeling and thinking

Being and not existing

I can no longer stay

I gave all of me just to be called a stray


I got nothing left to say

I stayed but I can no longer be put away

My heart is done racing

The thoughts just keep pacing

Will this be a goodbye?

My eyes are finally dry

The tub is full now

Will this be my last bow?


-Adsher

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Buonasera amici, tutto bene? Noi si, tutto bene, oggi è stata una giornata bellissima. S. ha fatto la sorpresa alla mamma e l’ha portata al mare, nel punto in cui hanno iniziato a vedersi e ad innamorarsi, è stato così emozionante, che anche il mio cuoricino batteva forte forte. Vederli lì, in piedi, di fronte a sua maestà il mare, che si abbracciavano e lasciavano i loro sguardi perdersi all’orizzonte, mentre i loro cuori tornavano indietro di un anno ma il cuore viaggiava nel futuro già, quel futuro che stanno iniziando a costruirsi piano piano, in quelle onde c’è tutto il loro amore. I momenti che passano insieme, volano sempre troppo rapidamente, il tempo vola rapidamente quando sei felice. Da domani inizia il periodo di lockdown e non riusciranno a vedersi spesso, ma loro sono forti, supereranno anche questo. Adesso hanno anche l’idea di me, che li unisce ancora di più. Queste due persone sono proprio buffe e belle, io non esisto ma già sognano me accanto a loro. Io sogno una vita accanto a loro, sogno di svegliarmi nella notte e trovarli li, sogno che S. mi insegni ad andare in bicicletta e a tirare i primi calci ad un pallone. Sogno la mamma che ci prepara il pranzo o la cena, mantre io ed S. giochiamo insieme. Sogno di dormire nel lettone con loro, sogno le giornate al mare, le passeggiate al parco, i compleanni, le feste insieme. Sogno una vita. Sono quasi sicuro che questo mio desiderio prima o poi si avvererà e saremo noi tre, finalmente noi tre. Mamma, babbo, (posso chiamarti così? A me piace tanto) non abbiamo fretta, il nostro incontro avverrà, non so quando, ma avverrà, e sarà bellissimo, ve lo prometto. Ci vediamo tra poco nei vostri sogni, non vedo l’ora. Buonanotte mamma, buonanotte babbo. Vi amo da impazzire. Il vostro piccolo Ricky. 🧸💙

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Sad music and nicotine.

That’s all it’s been since you left me.

-//TheBurden&TheBaggage// pg.33

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Why do u frighten me and then leave me to blindly search for explanations? You never open up and I suppose I can’t blame you for not doing so.

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I know I love you more than you love me. I’m still not sure how to deal with that.

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She’s so much fortunate than me in every way. There’s no point in competition.

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I thought that if I cared enough maybe you’d continue to love me, but I was wrong and that has damaged me more than you could ever imagine. This was one-sided and I know I played my part. Where were you? Why did you hurt me?

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he had told me that I light up his world but he found someone that lit his universe

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After getting home today, I walked into my room and tore down everything that reminded me of him, this was just the beginning. rcf

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And when you finally see me standing there empty handed,

I beg for no words to leave your lips.

Let our souls collide and our bodies intertwine.

-//TheBurden&TheBaggage// pg. 32

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And I would wander across all the deserts of this world, even after death, to search for you—

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Alejandra Pizarnik, Extracting the Stone of Madness; from ‘The Dream of Death, or The Site of the Poetical Bodies’, tr. Yvette Siegert 

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I know that when you think of love now, and all it’s made up of, I no longer come to mind. Perhaps, even, a much more darker emotion takes place in you for me. This kills me because when I think of you, ah man, when I think of you I swear life is at full brightness.

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Meet the forest on your way back home,

count in the shadows, carry them

this darkness is heavy,

borrow some stars from the hills

burn them until you reach the lamppost.

Let the stars burn,

you’d never run out of light,

carry them, always

for the journey back home brings silence,

a deafening one.

So follow the trails of the forest,

these still streets held the forest years ago.

they know the way out, and in.

they have seen a million owls nudge past you,

the one on your window is just a shadow to them.

Meet the forest on your way back home,

count in the shadows you don’t see

don’t carry them, someone else’s shadows are heavier

Keep the stars for you,

burn them until you reach the lamppost.

- trustonlystars | Jannie F.

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