#excerpt from a book i'll never write
ninasdrafts · a day ago
Everything about you and me was unclear. Indistinct. Back then I was sure of us, sure of myself, sure I knew what I wanted. I knew nothing. The lines were blurred and they had been blurred since our very beginning. We didn't even realise we were overstepping them. Going too far was only ever just right for us and that's why our ending was inevitable. Inevitable - but not final. Not tangible. Not clear. I found myself wondering if it was over when you were still looking at me like I'd put the stars in the sky and you hated me for it. When you still reached out to touch me but forgot to pull away at the last second. My friend asked me: "What is he to you?" and I found myself spiraling. "I don't know," I said and it was the truth. The only thing I knew for sure was that we were no good for each other. But why was I supposed to be the reasonable one when you kept dragging me back in? I didn't know how to escape back then, but I know it now. I steer clear of people who make me feel like I can't ever get enough.
indistinct / n.j.
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hipsternerd9 · 2 days ago
If only you could turn around to see my heart is crawling for you.
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blooming-anna-rose · 2 days ago
i got out of bed today
and it was hard again
i saw my mom in the kitchen while my coffee was being brewed
and i opened my arms up
and let her hold me as i cried
i went on a run and the sun almost made me feel better
but the shadows following me wouldn’t fade
today i am not at my best
and i need to let myself rest
i deserve to go easy on myself today
although it goes against my nature
to be kind to myself
n.c. // today i almost didn’t get out of bed
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vodkatales · 21 days ago
How can we be allowed to feel so much for people who don't feel anything for us?
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vomitingwords · 9 months ago
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when things are not FINE / ma.c.a
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beyondgenre · 10 months ago
I just want to live in big oversized sweaters and read while drinking hot coffee and look out at the rain from the comfort of my tiny cozy little home.
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painting-thoughts · 3 months ago
Maybe I’m not meant for anyone after all.
c / all time does is pass
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aretherestarsinhell · 8 months ago
“i still love you. you know that right? i always did, probably always will. lord knows i was never good at letting things - or people - go.”
-and other things i’ll never tell you. c.r.
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tellherium · a month ago
I didn't deserve it. I know that now. I knew it then. I guess it's partly my fault, too. Neither of us treated me like someone we loved.
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juansendizon · 11 months ago
One day I’ll buy you all the paperback books you wanna have, and I’ll read them with you, or you can read them alone, or I can read them first and tell you how they made me feel. I’ll go to a bookstore every Tuesday and ask for any poetry book about hope and love, for that’s what you always make me feel like I am being loved by a poet who can show me how wonderful existence can be when it is expressed with the right words. I’m going to write about you when no book can explain how precious you are to my heart and when I pass away I’ll give you all my books then I’ll always be a part of you, and when I’m always a part of you, then I’ll never get to say goodbye for every time you read a book there was a time when it was my whole universe. You are my library, my every page, and my entire heart.
Juansen Ryne Dizon, Paperback Books
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letterstothestone · 2 months ago
it's weird how when a child screams they don't feel loved at home and don't feel safe around their family, the first thing that a parent might do is list the number of things they have done for their child instead of asking themselves what made their child feel that way. parents aren't supposed to be strict and feared. when a child walks into this world, they are naive and parents are supposed to be the home and safe space the child looks for when they need help or when things get messed up instead of going "my parents will kill me for this". by engraving your fear into your child's mind, you are just making sure that they to lie to you. i don't know what kind of cruelty we are forcing onto generations by making them fear their own parents. how would they learn love when they never knew what it is? and in a world so cruel and unkind, love is the most important thing we need. not fear.
Parents scare the hell out of their children and then have the audacity to ask "why you put your friends on such a pedestal". well maybe because they taught me love and maybe you should learn how to parent. you can begin from going to therapy and getting your traumas and misconceptions resolved.
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ninasdrafts · 7 months ago
For the next year, I hope you have faith that there is more out there for you - that life still has a lot to offer and that you’re deserving of it. I hope you have the courage to keep your heart open even though you’ve been hurt and misled. I hope you still find it in yourself to trust. I hope you can hold on to the thought that things do get better in time even though there have been days when you nearly gave up. I hope you give yourself enough time to heal, as much as you need. I hope you keep your patience and your good heart and I really, really hope 2022 treats you well. And even if it doesn't, I hope you'll do what you always do: you fight and you fall down and you get back up again.
2022 / n.j.
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abreathlessword · 2 months ago
My girl—it will happen when you least expect it. Not because you’ve stopped looking, or even if you have. You’ll meet him and you’ll know. You will hang on his every word, but still keep that fire of your own that makes him just as intrigued as you are. That silly spark they talk about in books and movies, you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach, or when your hands first touch, or maybe even when your eyes first meet, but you’ll feel it, girl. And you’ll know. Because it won’t be forced, it’ll come out of the blue and it will make everything leading up to that moment worth it. Stop waiting, my girl, and start living.
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because you were only 5 when you learnt the dark was something you should be afraid of and that night, a child found god in the bathroom light
when you turned 11, someone said you were too loud, too brash, too annoying for a girl; they made you think you’d never make it in this world
then came your 13th birthday when you realised that your mother would only love the person you could become for her, so you made yourself smaller and smaller until you ceased to exist outside of your own mind, screaming “are you happy now, mother?” but no voice comes out because you can’t be too loud, remember?
at 15, you hated yourself for not being able to fight without crying (you still do) so you don’t let anyone in that can hurt you
and now that you’re 17, you’ve waited for summer long enough to know it will never arrive for a person who says so little of what she means.
// you’ve been 8, on your way to 18, and barely survived the years in between
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becherdireinen · a year ago
It’s kinda cool how someone can just pop into your life all of a sudden and become so important to you within such a small amount of time. I think that’s what makes life so interesting though. There’s always a reason to be hopeful for the future because you never know what good things will come your way next.
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vomitingwords · 9 months ago
"And I realized that what I want to end is not my life." she said. "But what makes me hate living."
It's that time of the year // ma.c.a
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i-wrotethisforme · 3 months ago
I knew the second I saw you. I don’t know what I knew, but I knew it and I’ve never been more sure of anything.
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