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#excerpt from the book ill never write
yakultstan · 1 month
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I’ve discovered the warmth of life, I just can’t get close enough to feel it.
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abreathlessword · 1 year
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I’ll never stop feeling like there are more words left in my heart, and that some of them are bound to make you stay. I will pray like never before, I will wait, I will hope.
That one day you will look at me and see me again, not the image in your mind we both wish we could forget. Our love is frozen in this spot of time, tainted and cracking like ice. Don’t stay stuck in the past, keep building towards a future with me. I will fall through the ice and forever be cold and unrevivable if you don’t grab my hand.
- A. F. J.
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tansdiary · 9 months
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i'm tired today i'll go where the winds would take me and i trust it to take me to the moon a place where i'd find my sanity
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poetici · 20 days
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Dear friend
I know you've been carrying the weight of your illness for so long. I know it's tough to cope up everyday. You feel like giving up. You were hopeful initially- you had it in you to fight this. But now you feel hopeless and lost. You've lost that spark inside of you, the very same that made you a warrior.
Friend, you are a warrior still. Just because you've given up doesn't mean the fight is over yet. You are stronger than the battles you face.
I know it's challenging. But what really matters is showing up everyday, even if you don't feel like it, even if you're tired.
Learn to rest, not quit. Even if you do quit, that's okay. You can always start again- that's the beauty of life.
Friend, you are not alone. There is someone somewhere out there waiting to meet a person like you, waiting to witness the magic that you have within.
Think of that person and think of those who love you. I just want to say that you are loved each second of the day. Never ever forget that you are a beautiful creation of the universe. You got this.
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lost-in-time-marie · 5 months
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It was a grey and overcast afternoon, as I sat outside breathing the cool, humid air, ripe with the heavy rain soon to come, and I thought to myself, there is still pain in my heart, but for the first time, I feel like I can live with it.
~K.
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spidey-bie · 4 months
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"Y'know I'd die for you if you asked me too."
She turned the page of her book, continuing on as if her previous statement were casual conversation.
"Please don't."
He took the book out her hand, forcing her to look up at him.
"I'd rather you live for me instead."
-Techpunk blurb from a story I'll never write
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filthylibrabitch · 3 months
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in another universe, i get accepted into the college i wanted
in another universe, i'm not questioning if i'd even fit in at that college
in another universe, i cant be diagnosed with anything
in another universe i was a happy kid
in another universe, i'm not questioning if it was abuse or not
in another universe, i'm not crying in my room every night
in another universe, i'm sorrounded by the warmth of friends and family
in another universe, i'd be able to rely on people
in another universe, i'd be in my apartment filled with warmth, love, patience, and my favorite snacks
in another universe, i'd feel safe and happy, and worthy of all love
and in that other universe, i'd be accepted with open arms
but this is reality, and not that other universe
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eddiemunsongf · 2 years
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jason calls her angel and eddie calls her princess and neither feel quite right. she prefers princess, though. at least princesses are human.
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There was a time when your name made my ears perk up like a dog waiting to go outside…
As if your name, like church bells, rang on a Sunday morning
Never has happiness made me feel so light on my toes
Now your initials make me sick to my stomach, my heart screams every time you are mentioned.
No longer will your anchor keep me hostage in this sea of regret
- it’s 1:11am and suddenly it’s like you never existed
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tellherium · 2 years
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call the ugly things by name
(this is very true to where I'm at right and also its the first time in 4 days that i haven't thrown up or wanted to yay)
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m0m3nt0-m0r1 · 1 month
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it's getting warm again outside. the world is starting to look like spring again, and it is barely february. the snow is melting, the bugs are climbing on the bark of trees, i am so uneasy. i ate a peach some time ago, i still wake with the pit in my throat. since then, i can only swallow food if i smoke first.
everything i have ever feared may come true has, true colors are revealing themselves through the cracks in the sidewalk. i still keep my eyes peeled for pickup trucks in grocery store parking lots. i grieve for old friends like i live above a funeral home. i know i can never go back, to menthol cigarettes on the rooftop or uneven undercuts on the back porch, to gas station weed and tire swings, but no one ever told me where i was supposed to go.
forwards has never been a possibility before. two hundred miles away and the strip malls look the same. i occupy the smoker's pole in the sticky bar, and i still find myself entertaining strange men out of pure boredom. how am i supposed to escape this feeling? my life looks nothing like how i imagined it would; yet, i know this is always how the game would play out.
i suppose if i find myself nostalgic, i will drink from the bottle until i feel sick, then i'll wash all my blood down the sink. i will trace the way you used to say my name with my tongue, maybe i'll catch a taste of the zombie that used to reside on my teeth. i am not ashamed of how hard i love, i just wish i could put any of it down. i am no longer a character in your diary, i wish i didn't care about that shit.
my knees are still bruised from how hard i begged. pleading for a cold, heartless beast i dubbed love. all that pain, all that loneliness i carried for years, was felt for naught. while i still shiver underneath the covers and jump when doors are slammed and apologize before i am sure of the situation, i know i am safe these days. i never knew the beauty of having a home.
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yakultstan · 1 month
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chronic
a sickness that doesn't go away a mind that has adapted to an under-functioning body considers it the norm to not stand, breathe well or smile in the name of fear and rejection as I refuse to scream and cry simply wishing to please so - I lie nauseous on my bed most hours of the day, weeks, months, years, wondering what kind of person I could have been had I not pretended everything was okay before it was too late my life slowly fades away
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abreathlessword · 2 years
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My girl—it will happen when you least expect it. Not because you’ve stopped looking, or even if you have. You’ll meet him and you’ll know. You will hang on his every word, but still keep that fire of your own that makes him just as intrigued as you are. That silly spark they talk about in books and movies, you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach, or when your hands first touch, or maybe even when your eyes first meet, but you’ll feel it, girl. And you’ll know. Because it won’t be forced, it’ll come out of the blue and it will make everything leading up to that moment worth it. Stop waiting, my girl, and start living.
-a.f.j.
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abbigailnichole · 1 year
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"How do you move on?" I asked the darkness.
Grief, l've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. Grief is just love with no place to go. Sometimes, the bad things that happen to us are not valuable lessons. Nothing can be extracted from them, there are no positives to some things. It is okay to feel grief for what happened to you, to mourn what you have lost, to know it was not fair. Sometimes, we can only let go of the past by grieving it, by admitting it was not okay, but now that we are dealing with the pain, sometimes you can't move on.
-but we can hope for a better future
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mistymoon-king · 10 months
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I am well known for remembering. I remember birthdays, memories, I even remember what my best friend had on their grocery list back in 2019.
I can’t seem to forget anything, and to others I am wildly convenient. But to myself.. I am exhausted.
I am grieving everything every single day. I miss all days, I will miss today. I am everywhere and anywhere all at once.
For once I wish I could just be here
Longing | June 5th, 2023
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poetici · 14 days
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Dear Friend
I know you're feeling anxious. I know what it feels like. Your heart is beating loudly against your chest. There is a constricting feeling, and it absolutely sucks.
Ever since you were a kid, you were always hypervigilant. Fight or flight response was an instinctive thing for you. Whenever you're faced with a difficult or a new circumstance, it gets activated. And you feel like running away.
Press your palm against your chest. Feel your heart beating. You are alive. You are afraid, but alive. You are scared for your life, but alive.
I know it feels difficult to do anything right now. But take a deep breath in. And breathe out. Do it once, do it a few times.
Friend, your anxiety is telling you something. Listen to your body. Listen to your heart.
Embrace this anxiety. Accept it instead of avoiding what you're feeling. What is it telling you? That you're not safe. You don't feel safe in your body, and you need help to establish this safety. Maybe from outside, maybe from within.
Tell your inner child that it's okay to feel anxious. Keep breathing. Just keep breathing. I know it's difficult. But you have to. You have no other choice than to face this anxiety. It's not bigger than you and your emotions. It may feel like it, but it's not.
Breathe. That's all you can do. Tell yourself that you'll be alright. Tell yourself that this anxiety is a part of you, not your entire being. I know you got this.
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