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#exhaust sounds
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sometimes I get hit by the understanding of how not real I am.

I live so much in my head, by myself, or with other people who are not real.

we all see each other and gossip and hang out but none of us are real.

we don’t connect to the dark things, the sad things, to people who go through these things.

we carefully nip and tuck our emotions away and serve them in palatable portions with a silly voice or pauses for the obligatory laugh track.

I spend so much time wondering if I’m a good person, if others like me, if I’m doing any good, but on the outside I’m home on the couch just existing.

anxiety and depression are such selfish diseases- with all my energy taken up worrying about how others view me, how my actions are making them feel about me, what I feel and how I feel, how can I really just be?

lately I’ve become so aware of my own biases towards the people around me, and how I project my own worries and fears onto them. In my constant anxiety state I don’t see them as people sometimes, it’s more like things to move and move around, to cause as little conflict as possible and make sure everyone likes me.

I’m surrounded by head people, by friends who deflect and deflect and never feel comfortable connecting- it’s like I put a corset on whenever I go back there. sure I look good, but I can’t breathe.

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Things that are exhausting me

  1. Restarting/repeating thoughts because I don’t like the way I said or phrased it in my head.
  2. I can’t text without rereading and changing words no matter how short or long the response sometimes to the point the words sounds funny and I just give up
  3. My boyfriend constantly depending on me for meals cause he used to be a cook so now he never wants to cook even though he’s better at it than me. He used to poke fun at how I “couldn’t cook” at the beginning of our relationship and now he wonders why I don’t want to.
  4. He also rarely cleans up after himself or anything else in our apartment unless I ask him to
  5. Wanting to contribute more to the bills but my anxiety is the worst its been in 7 years that the thought of working especially in a pandemic is terrifying.
  6. Feeling bad about the way I quit the job I did have because my manager lied about taking a break and walked out on me in the middle of the busiest day of the week leaving me as the only, partially trained manger there.
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ok i just got hit with emotions. im so so so so so glad that my ct actually showed there’s something actually wrong with me it made me feel so relieved and reassured that im NOT making this up, that it’s actually happening and that im not crazy or a fraud i could cry im just so happy, not at the fact that there is something wrong with me just that i have proof it’s REAL!!!! this wasnt all for nothing, those doctors bills meant something ugh now i just have to know what i can DO about it..

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