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depressionbound · a day ago
The other night.
I walked into the small convenience store at a quarter to midnight and the person at the counter asked me how I was doing.
I hadn’t been asked that in what felt like forever so I answered honestly, I said “ you know what, it’s been a rough night”
And they said, they were sorry to hear that and to grab whatever I liked. I walked past the worker, who had pity and annoyance in their voice and eyes.
I walked over to the drink cooler, but I saw nothing grab my attention, the soda had too much fizz, the juice had too much sugar, the chocolate milk, like everything else, would just make me fatter.
So I kept walking. And made my way to the snack line. I looked up and down the shelves but I didn’t find anything too good that I wanted to eat.
And as I was looking.
I was hit with too many waves to count, i heard the things my mother yelled at me, my brother insulting me, the amount of friends that have left and betrayed me, how I hated my family, and most of all , how badly I hated myself.
I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I talked, the way I stood, I hated the way I walked, I hated my weight, I hated my body, I hated the way I acted, I hated my thoughts, and how selfish and pathetic I was.
I hated everything.
And before I knew it, the waves started to show up on my face…
Choked sobs were tuned out by the loud buzzing of slush machines.
But all I could hear were my thoughts, and all I saw were the tears that fell silent on to my shaking hands, so I leaned against the cooler door.
And before I knew it…
My entire world came crashing down, in a small convenience store..
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And after a while you just stop. You stop watering your plants. You stop watching netflix. You stop reading. You stop replying to your friends as fast as you used to. You stop buying yourself nice things. You stop putting an effort into how you look. You stop taking care of yourself like you used to. You stop sleeping. You stop eating healthy foods. You stop petting your dog. You stop socializing.
You stop with everything. You find yourself sitting in your room for hours on end, without doing a single thing. Days feel like years. And you think you can’t do it for much longer.
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Sometimes I refuse to sleep, because at 3am is the calmest I ever feel. Not that my body isn’t dying of anxiety. But the world is silent. No one expects anything of you. No one in that moment can make you feel terrible. Only you can. And there’s a weird power in that. 
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abnormall · 6 months ago
i am burned out. i am tired. i cant think clearly, im physically exhausted. when will this end? 
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