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dragestilwrites · 4 years

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Yama no Kami 山の神

Rated G/T ~2.6k words McHanzo Chapter 7: All That Matters

However tired he feels, Jesse can't manage to sleep. But Hanzo knows more than his fair share about sleepless nights.

There’s a pain in my chest that hasn’t left since I met him. There’s a hole growing inside of me and I can feel the edge calling and calling and calling. I barely remember anything. I don’t even know who I am. Was there ever a Jesse McCree? Was he a man? Did I steal his place? Or did I make him up? Why did I forget everything? A god can have anything, right? Why would I - why did I - give that all up? There’s something I can’t remember and it’s eating me up from the inside out. I can feel it in my bones. And more than that I can feel the yearning to just...forget again. To go back to my blissful ignorance. To be the rogue Jesse McCree again, no home, no family, no memories to hold him back, to make him pause. But...can I really say I want that? After this? After him? He’s...nothing I ever imagined. Not even in the fanciest tale I could spin. He’s done things to be ashamed of. But haven’t I? Even if I can’t remember...I know I have. I’ve never gone to confession...no priest would have the time for a list of my sins. There’s something eating me up inside and I’m afraid if I don’t figure it out, it’ll claw its way straight out of my chest. I just-

“Still awake?”

Jesse jumped, cramming the journal he’d been writing in beneath the cushion he’d been sitting on.

“Yeah...I...”

“Couldn’t sleep? “

“No. I couldn’t.”

“God problems,” Hanzo said with a half-smile. “Once your brain catches on, sleep gets harder to come by. You don’t tire out the same way you used to. Things that should exhaust you don’t anymore. Days and nights pass but you close your eyes and nothing happens.”

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“Really slept? I don’t know. Sometimes you get pulled into the realm of gods, and it seems like sleep. To anyone looking at your body, you would seem asleep at least. But it isn’t rest. Not truly.”

“You don’t get tired?”

“Not physically, not unless you’ve been injured or spent too much of your power too quickly.”

“But mentally?”

“Every day. Time passes differently when you lose no hours to the vastness of your own subconscious. I don’t keep calendars or clocks. They lost their meaning a long, long time ago.”

“Do you miss it? Sleep I mean?”

“I miss dreams of happier things. But when I do sleep, those rarely come. No, there’s far too many memories in this mind for happy dreams. I used to try to sleep. When I was younger. But just trying to force myself into sleep became exhausting in itself, and it never worked anyway.”

“That sounds...horrible.”

“Being a god isn’t just about power. You have responsibilities. You have duties that must be fulfilled. If someone prays to you in earnest, if someone begs you for help, what sort of god would you be if you were caught sleeping? A minute may mean nothing to you. A day might feel the same as a blink of an eye. But to them, to humans with their fragile lives, a minute may be the difference between life and death.”

Jesse glanced away. The pain in his chest only seemed to grow. He swallowed.

“Fear is natural. There is no shame in it.”

“It’s not...that,” Jesse said after a long pause. “It’s just...one minute I’m Jesse McCree, the next I’m...this.”

“You are still Jesse McCree.”

“But am I really?”

“Of course you are. Just as I am still Hanzo Shimada. The life you lived before your awakening is no less real than it was when it was all you knew.”

“But I was living a lie!”

“Were you? Did it feel like a lie to you? Did you distrust your actions, your beliefs?”

“I don’t...know.”

“Whatever happened that made you choose the life you’ve lived, that life was real. All of the things you did, they happened, and you were a part of them. Whoever Jesse McCree is, that is you.”

“But what about all the shit I’ve forgotten?”

“We are not defined by our past, though it shapes us. What defines us is who we choose to be, what we choose to do. If we entangle ourselves too much in the past, we lose sight of where we are now, and where we want to go.”

“How long have you been a god?”

“Too long by some standards. Hardly long enough by others.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Some would say I have had this soul for too long, that it is time to allow it to pass on, that I should choose honourably to fade. Others would say I have not served sufficient penance for the deeds I committed in my former life.”

“But what about your own standards?”

“Longer than I ever would have lived as a human. If I had children, I would have outlived them, and their children, and theirs. But sometimes it feels like only a day has passed since I gave up mortality for this life.”

“And if this is all real, then I’ve lived even longer?”

“Longer by far.”

“It’s hard to even...think about.”

“If I said you would get used to it, I would be lying.”

Jesse closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He ran a hand through his hair as he exhaled and looked back at Hanzo. The ache in his chest was nearly matched now by the ache in his head. Everything felt like too much, and still he felt like he was grasping none of it.

“Would you like another cup of tea? Or something stronger?”

“Don’t s’pose you have any whiskey, do you?”

“Only sake I’m afraid.”

“Good enough for me.”

Hanzo smiled and nodded his head. He turned back toward the door, motioned for Jesse to follow, and headed back toward the kitchen. It felt strange to have someone else in his home. It had been so long since he last had company. But it was nice too. The house felt warmer, more comfortable even. It was hard to explain.

In the kitchen, there was a small table and a single chair. He offered it to Jesse with a gesture as he crossed to the fridge. It was nearly empty, but there were a few different bottles of sake. He picked the fullest of them and nudged the fridge shut with his foot as he turned to the cabinets to get out two cups.

“No need to dirty any glasses. I mean - I don’t mind sharin’ from the bottle if it saves on doin’ dishes later.”

Hanzo chuckled but turned back to Jesse. He blinked in surprise as he caught sight of the man sitting on the edge of the table.

“I didn’t wanna steal your only chair, but I didn’t feel like standin’ either,” Jesse explained easily.

“I didn’t think I could be surprised after as long as I have lived. And yet here you are.”

“Here I am,” Jesse said with a grin, “and there you are with a fine drink to share. So you should get over here too. I’m mighty thirsty.”

It felt safer to slip back into his usual casual confidence. It felt safer to let his fears and questions fade into the recesses of his mind. It was easier to think only about this moment. Perhaps this was what Hanzo meant when he spoke of not dwelling on the past. Jesse could only hope that it would always be this easy to set his anxieties aside. Hanzo closed the distance between them and offered Jesse the bottle. He took a quick gulp and sighed before handing it back.

“Can I ask you somethin’, Han?”

“Go ahead.”

“You…said you get nightmares. Are they…are they ever things you don’t remember? I fall asleep sometimes and everything’s crystal clear - it’s so familiar, like it’s a memory but...But I can’t recognise the people or the places but I just know that it’s all real - or it was anyway.”

“When you have existed for such a long time, memories and dreams are two threads in the same cloth. Sometimes they are woven together so tightly it’s impossible to know which is the truth.”

“What do you do then? When they’re that tangled up...How do you tell the difference?”

“Does it matter?”

“What? Of course it-”

“Jesse,” Hanzo’s hand settled over Jesse’s, steady and warm, “I can’t begin to imagine how many memories are contained within your soul. Dreams, realities - They both come from somewhere. All that matters is what you take from them.”

“Is this how it’s going to be now?”

“Hm?”

“If I’m really a god, am I just gonna...keep having nightmares - I mean when I can actually fall asleep? Will I get all my memories back? Is that even...possible? If I’m as old as you think I am...”

Hanzo sighed.

“I am afraid I don’t have answers for you. I have had little experience with such situations. Although I believe it would be difficult to find any accustomed to a case as unusual as yours. It is not frequently that an old god reawakens.”

“S’pose you’re right. I’m pretty remarkable.”

Hanzo laughed, soft but genuine, and the sound of it warmed Jesse through to his core. He did not know what would come. He did not know what the approaching dawn - or any dawns following it - would bring him, or where they might leave him. He did not know what he might remember, and he tried not to fear all that he had forgotten. But he realised for the first time in he couldn’t remember how long he was not facing the morning alone.

“Y’know,” Jesse murmured after a moment, “I really can’t believe they all think you’re a demon. Maybe you’ve got some rough edges but...well who doesn’t these days?”

“Maybe it’s just how many years have past since they last heard from me. Time has a way of smoothing edges, but they still know me for a life I have not lived in ages. I was not always so happy to live quietly in the mountain’s shadow. I was a god. I wanted my rites kept. There were good reasons to fear my forest and my wolves. I was never...”

Hanzo looked away, trailing off and letting his hand slip from where it rested on Jesse’s, and he took a deep sip from the sake bottle. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to decide just how much vulnerability he could dare to show. Though he could not say why, he trusted Jesse.

“You should know why they call me a demon. It was...so long ago now. The village was growing rapidly. Each year, they’d extend their fields and draw closer to the forest’s edge. The more people there were, the more houses they needed. They needed more supplies for construction, and where better to look than here. At first, they were cautious. They would offer gifts before they cut down any tree. But they needed more lumber, and quickly. They hired outsiders to begin clearing out a whole section of the forest nearest to the edge. I couldn’t allow them to desecrate this place, to take so much of what was not theirs.

I killed them. And the ones who escaped my arrows were taken by the wolves. Only one was spared - the young priest charged with tending to my shrine. But he saw it all. He saw his beloved god bathe the forest floor in blood. He was not the same when he returned to town. His faith was shaken. They left my forest alone after that. They left me alone after that.”

“You were only protecting your home.”

“Is any home worth so many lives? I can still see them in my dreams. I hear the screams, the desperate cries for mercy. But I showed them none.”

“You’re not a demon,” Jesse said, slowly, quietly. “A demon wouldn’t feel remorse. A demon wouldn’t try so hard to change my mind. Whatever you’ve done, whatever has happened, you aren’t a bad person, Hanzo. I won’t believe that. You’ve had plenty of chances to kill me, or even just to scare me off. But all you’ve done is help me. You brought me to your shrine, you…showed me what I am. You told me yourself, the past doesn’t define us. I don’t know who you may have been years ago, but I know who you choose to be now. You aren’t heartless at all.”

Hanzo’s fingers curled into a fist as he stared at the table. Jesse chewed on his lip, unsure of what to do. The silence between them grew.

“People really get the whole godhood thing all wrong, huh?” Jesse finally said after several long moments. “They think it’s all superpowers and immortality. I mean, I’m sure that shit’s part of it, but...it’s a lot more than that, isn’t it? I’ve barely dipped my toes into it and I’m already questioning my entire existence. They don’t tell you about that in comic books.”

“I have never met anyone like you, Jesse McCree.”

“I’m gonna choose to take that as a good thing.” “You should,” Hanzo murmured.

He set the sake bottle down on the table beside Jesse, and before reason could creep into his mind, the space between them had vanished. Hanzo’s hand was on Jesse’s stubbled cheek and his lips were on Jesse’s and all thoughts of anything besides this precise moment were irrelevant and far, far away. He almost pulled back when reason began returning to him, but then he felt Jesse’s arm wrapping around his waist and nothing mattered beyond this kiss. He wished it could last forever, if only so he could never feel the absence of it, but eventually he needed a breath just to steady the spinning in his head.

“You sure you didn’t break into the sake before me?” Jesse murmured, breathless and smiling.

“I’m sor-”

“Don’t even think about apologising, Han. That’s the best I felt since I wandered into this forest. Everything’s been so...weird and out of control and...surreal but...That? That felt real. That felt...perfect.”

“Are you sure you didn’t break into the sake before me?”

“I’m tryin’ to be sweet or somethin’, Han! Don’t be rude!”

Hanzo chuckled, and Jesse joined him. Jesse’s arm was still warm where it curled around Hanzo’s waist. Hanzo’s fingertips were still warm where they cradled Jesse’s cheek. And despite everything, despite fears and anxieties, everything was perfect, even if only for a minute. The warmth between them was plenty enough to chase away the cold loneliness that lived in their chests.

“We should lay down,” Jesse said slowly, almost unwilling to break the stillness. “I think the sake’s gone right to my head, and I think...I might be able to get some sleep if I have...company. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not...suggestin’ anything too forward I just...I think I’d like some company and-”

“You don’t need to explain. I understand. I think...I would be able to sleep as well with you nearby. I feel...safer with you.”

Neither of them needed to say any more. Neither of them felt like they should say any more. So Hanzo slowly pulled back, and returned the sake bottle to the fridge. And by the time he returned to the table, Jesse had stood up. He interlaced their fingers, and let Hanzo lead the way to his bedroom. They laid down beside each other, and Jesse pulled Hanzo into his chest.

“Sweet dreams, Han.”

“Sweet dreams, Jesse.”

#overwatch #hanzo shimada #jesse mccree #hanzo x mccree #mchanzo

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