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jonogueirawrites · 1 year

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Save him from himself.

Chapter 9

Summary:

Weeks go by, and they don't see each other. They take the time to think about their relationship and what they want for themselves. With that in mind, they start taking baby steps to try and mend their relationship, but Lilly is going through some changes she wasn't expecting.

TW: throwing up.

AO3

Expectancy.

From not too far away, Bucky watched Zemo pay his respects to his deceased family in front of the Sokovian Memorial.

With heavy steps, he made his way to the other man. He didn’t want to interrupt him at such a delicate moment. When Zemo turned to him, he greeted Bucky with a small smile on his face and a teasing greeting on his lips. Urging Bucky to kill Karli, he didn’t hide his disappointment when Bucky told him that Karli would be dealt in their way. Their terms.

When Bucky lifted his gun at Zemo, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting would happen. Still, he wouldn’t deny the peacefulness in Zemo’s eyes didn’t surprise him a little. He understood the sentiment, even if it wasn’t in the same tone or reason, but he did understand it.

The sound of the bullets reaching the ground reminded Bucky of who he was. Not who he had been but who he had become. Although he and Zemo had lost a great deal, Bucky had reasons to move on. To look ahead to a future that was in his hands to take and mold as he saw fit.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw exactly what represented it. Lilly approached him with a gentle smile on her lips. Approval and pride displayed on her face. It had been weeks since he last saw her, but those weeks felt like centuries. His eyes fell on the cast around her arm, and he ached. He hurt and cursed. He would never forget or forgive himself for letting her get hurt. Mainly because he was the one responsible for it.

The Dora Milaje took Zemo away to the Raft, where Zemo would spend the rest of his life, but Ayo and Lilly stayed behind a moment longer. On his way to his new home, Zemo granted Bucky one last kindness. He admitted going through Bucky’s book and that he had scratched his name from there, giving Bucky his family and his forgiveness. Bucky accepted it with an open heart.

Ayo warned Bucky that his actions had had repercussions and that although he was the White Wolf, it would be prudent to keep his distance for a while. He asked her for one more favor before she left, though.

Before they would part, Lillian walked to him and fanned her hand on his coat, complimenting him on his choice of clothing. Her hand traveled down his chest, stopping at every button, and before she could cease the contact, he held her hand in his.

Bucky brought her wrist to his lips and laid a single soft kiss on her pulse point, making lazy small circles in the area. His eyes remained closed, dreading the moment they would have to part. “I miss you.” He heard himself saying without restrictions. The silence that followed made the ache in his heart grow, and the touch she gave him shooed all his worries away.

Her nose touched his, and her lips kissed his closed eyes. Her voice on his parted mouth made him sigh. Her confession to him made his body tremble because of the goosebumps making their way down his spine. His soul called and pulled to have her closer and not letting go. Never again.

“I missed you, Love. So, so much.” Her words were laced with adoration. In the underlines there was hope too.

“Come home with me.” He didn’t try to hide the despair in his voice. The fear in his arms when he embraced her gently, not to hurt her arm even more.

“I want to….” Her arm wrapped around his neck and the other carefully on his chest. “But I can’t. Not yet.”

“Lillian.”

“Buck, I…”

“I know.” Of course, he knew. He had hurt her, and it wasn’t something that would go away with gentle words and soft kisses. She needed time, and so did he. He needed to think and plan. To make sure he was ready for her. For them. “Just please don’t give up on us. Me.”

She chuckled, and for the first time in what felt like ages, Bucky allowed himself to smile. “I could never give up on you. Even if by the end of this we are not….” He watched her twirl the ring on her finger. “I will always be with you. By your side.” She kissed his forehead again and was about to leave when he pulled her closer again.

With her in his arms and his nose buried in her hair, taking her smell in, he whispered in her ear, “I just wanted to say, for whatever little good it may do… I’m sorry.”

“I am too.”

~~~~~

A couple of weeks later, Lillian called Bucky, letting him know Sam’s new uniform was ready. She had hoped he would say yes when she suggested meeting up and going to Sam to give it to him together. But deep down, she also feared he would refuse her. When he accepted without losing a second, her smile grew. Just like that stupid stubborn little flame in her heart that refused to die.

They decided to meet halfway before taking a flight together to Sam’s sister’s home. The night before, Bucky insisted on taking her to a fine diner. Just the two of them. Friends.

Going out to eat in a high-end restaurant was not in their plan, so when they showed up at the fancy restaurant wearing jeans and Lilly a funny t-shirt, it was understandable that they were almost refused.

After much explaining and a call from one of Lillian’s influential friends, they were seated at a somewhat secluded table, not that they minded it. They welcomed the unplanned privacy.

Lilly told Bucky to order for her when the waiter arrived to take their orders. Invitation Bucky took to his heart when she wiggled at him. He went through the menu and chose the best there was. When Lilly asked him what exactly he had chosen, he looked at her with all the seriousness in the world and replied with a simple no idea, prompting her to laugh loudly, gaining them disapproving looks that neither of them cared about.

The night was marvelous. They had wonderful wine and delicious food that they later discovered was fish with mushrooms in a sauce that smelled terribly. Lilly warned Bucky that if she fell sick, she would make sure everyone knew he had tried to poison her. The crinkles on Bucky’s nose when he laughed at her were worth any time over the toilet, she decided at last.

After dinner, they went for a walk. Window shopping on the beautifully decorated shops through the almost deserted streets at that time of night. The chilly window invited them to walk closer. Hand in hand. Intertwined fingers. Unabashed and hopeful smiles on both their faces. Their laughter floated in the air like music in a ballroom. Their bodies drifting closer because they were the oxygen that the little hope in their hearts and souls needed to be alive. To grow and never die again.

They walked together. Bucky’s arms wrapped around Lilly’s shoulder, making sure to keep her near, and Lilly’s hand on Bucky’s waist, making sure to never let him go. They walked together as one.

When the first cold droplets of rain reached them and the flash of lightning tore the sky, they decided it was time to head back to the hotel. Reluctantly they parted and went to their separate rooms.

Lillian took a hot shower and watched as the storm raged outside. Her eyes watched the raindrops making their way on the window glass, getting lost in the maze of their own creation. Her mind revisited the night she had Bucky in her arms for the first time. She remembered how terrified she was before finding safety in him. Without thinking twice, she made her way to her forever fortress. To the one and only who would be her savior. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. The man who conquered her whole being without a doubt.

She knocked on the door and waited for him to answer. Although she knew he wouldn’t send her away, she couldn’t stop her shaking hands. The trembling on her lips. His eyes were the first thing she saw when the door finally opened. And the happy tiny smile on his face the second.

Bucky didn’t say anything. She accepted his silent invitation when he stepped back and invited her to come in. Not sure what to do with herself, she waited for him to take the first step. He rounded her, lacing his fingers on hers and leading them to bed.

Lilly noticed he had just gotten out of the shower by the wet patch on his metal arm. Taking the towel from the chair nearby, she gently pushed him to sit against the bedframe and sat between his legs. Her body fitting his with perfection.

Her finger traced the cold prosthetic and found the edge between the arm and joint. Her eyes sought his permission, and when he granted it, she took it off. Leaning against his chest and letting him rest his chin on her shoulder, she took her time to take care of it. She cleaned and dried it. Made sure everything was functioning properly and working as it should. She took her time with it because she missed being near him.

And while she did what she had to, she noticed the way his hand rested on her stomach. Drawing patterns on the skin underneath the fabric. The way his warm hand left a cold trail behind where his fingers had passed. She pretended to work on a hard detail when in fact, she focused on the way his breathing caressed the skin on her neck.

When she finally adjusted the arm back into its place, she traced his jaw with her thumb wishing things could be different. That he would finally open up to her and let her in. Let her see the good and bad. The beautiful and ugly. All of him.

She decided it was time to go with a heavy sigh, but before leaving, she gave his parted lips a soft, chaste kiss. One that she hoped would tell him how much she ached for him. Parting with a heavy heart, she bid him good night and headed back to her room. Where only memories of them waited for her.

~~~~~

They arrived at Sarah’s house to a Sam discussing with his friends what to do next about the engine on the truck’s back. Bucky being his old self, causally lifted it and placed it on the floor near them. Lilly chastised him with a slap on the shoulder and went to Sam for a hug.

After a brief moment of good-natured antagonism, Bucky gave Sam the case and said he had called a favor from the Wakandians. Sam never had a chance to reply because a pipe burst nearby, and he went to it, hoping to get it fixed. Seeing the man struggle for a bit, Bucky shook his head and helped him. While Lilly watched them once again bicker about something.

A woman called Sam and Bucky introduced himself with an inviting smile on his face, making Lilly turn her own smile into a frown and look away. And although she felt happy to hear Bucky offer his help to fix the boat to Sam, Lilly couldn’t stop the frown from intensifying or the strange feeling. In the end, she decided to blame the fish, which had indeed not sat well with her.

When Sam accepted the offer, Bucky turned to Lilly, and she noticed the same smile from before still decorating his face. She cursed herself when all she could do was give him a strained one back. One she was sure Bucky noticed. So much so that he started to walk her way, but the other woman positioned herself between them, talking to Sam about something Lilly couldn’t hear.

Sam finally introduced his sister to Lilly, and for the next hours, they worked together while Sam and Bucky did their own thing.

In a moment of pause, Lillian watched them working. Her arms crossed over her chest, and a quiet chuckle escaped her lips. Sound that was heard by Sarah, who walked up to her.

“You look surprised.”

“I just… I never thought I would see them getting along so well.” In the distance, they heard Sam start a small argument with Bucky. “Well… kinda.”

“It’s good to see that my brother has friends who care about him.” Sarah sighed, and Lilly looked at her.

“Well, there are many people here, and I don’t think-”

“They are here because of my parents. You and Bucky are here because of him.” Sarah caressed Lillian’s arm. “And that difference means a lot to me.”

“Sam, Bucky, and I, nothing can take us apart. We will always be there for each other. I will always watch over him for you.”

“I know. But thanks for saying it anyway.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Let’s get inside. It’s getting late.”

~~~~~

On the pier, Bucky and Sam decided to call the day and stopped for a beer. Bucky downed his and stood to say his goodbyes when Sam offered to have Lilly and him for the night.

“You can’t go, man. I bet Lilly and Sarah are inside right now having a wonderful time.” Sam watched as Bucky got his words lost. “And you two? How are things?”

Bucky watched Sam. He knew the question came from a good place. “We are on a break.” He sat again. “I mean… I don’t know. I hope it’s just a break.”

“Are you kidding me?”

Sam’s question took Bucky by surprise.

“Have you seen the way she looks at you? Smiles at you?” He took another drink of his beer. “She never stopped loving you.”

“Yeah, but I messed up.”

“Then make things right.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Have you tried talking to her?”

There it was again. The talking thing. Bucky wasn’t the best at it. “It’s complicated.” He shook his head, trying to think about something else.

“No. It’s not complicated. It’s a Bucky thing. So do the opposite of what you normally do.”

“Yeah.” Bucky took another beer from the cooler.

~~~~~

Meanwhile, inside the house, Lilly washed the dishes while Sarah cooked. Their conversation flowed naturally until Lilly threw up on the kitchen floor without warning.

“I am so sorry.” She managed to say, cleaning her mouth. “Bucky and I went to a restaurant yesterday, and we ordered something that didn’t sit well with me.” She looked up, expecting Sarah to be repulsed or angry, but she only saw kindness on her face.

“No need to apologize.” She handed Lilly some paper towels. “Forget about it. Let me get it cleaned-”

“No. Oh my god.” Lilly stopped her midway. “Just point me to the cleaning products, and I will do it myself. It’s the least I can do.”

“Are you sure? If you’re not well, you should sit.”

“I’m sure. Just please don’t tell Bucky. He will feel bad and worried. I need him to have a good time. He deserves a moment of… I don’t know… ordinary life, I guess. And besides, Sam would never, never let me outlive this.”

Sarah laughed, agreeing, and promised she wouldn’t say anything. Getting on all fours, Lilly made sure to get it thoroughly cleaned and smelling good.

“So…” Sarah started gently, smiling at Lilly, “You and Bucky, huh?”

Thinking carefully about her next words and shoving her mouth with any available fruit nearby, she leaned against the countertop. “Yeah. No more,” she whispered.

“Why? I mean, if I may ask. You sound and look so sad.”

Scratching her head and tucking her hair behind her ear, Lilly turned to face Sarah before answering, “We need to figure out who we are without the other. What we want for the future.” Absent-minded, she played with the ring on her finger.

“Well, I’m sure it’s just a little break. You will get together soon. It seems to me that you both have been through a lot.”

“Yeah. I could say that.” Lillian got lost in thought.

Sarah took a deep breath and waited for Lillian to look at her again. “Because you need each other doesn’t mean you are dependent on the other. It means that you can count on and trust each other. That’s all.”

“That’s the problem, Sarah. If you had told me that a few months ago, I would agree a thousand percent with you, but no, I’m not so sure anymore.”

Sarah was about to say something when Sam and Bucky got inside the house. Surprisingly they laughed together, and there was an aura of camaraderie between them, and Lilly hoped it would last longer than the night.

“Are we going now?” Lilly asked Bucky.

“Actually, Sam offered us a place to spend the night.”

“And you accepted?”

“Well…”

“I didn’t give him a chance to refuse.” Sam patted Bucky on the shoulder.

Lilly and Sarah laughed when Bucky stared at Sam. The boys entered the room, and the conversation changed.

Bucky and Lilly took their things from the rented car inside the house, and he pulled her into a private conversation.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, of course.”

“You don’t look well.”

“I’m fine, Bucky.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I’m sure it is just the fish. And thinking about it, I told you I would tell every-”

“I’m sorry.” He placed his hands on her hips and pulled her closer.

“It was just a fish.” She carded her finger over his hair.

“I mean about before. The shield. John.”

“Bucky.” Lilly embraced him. Resting her ear on his chest. Listening to his heart.

“What I’m trying to say is that I should have listened to you. Because if I had, I wouldn’t have lost you.”

“You didn’t lose me.”

“I did, and I miss you every day. I love you so, so much, doll. And I just hope that you will be able to forgive me and take me back.”

Lillian looked up at him. She tried to say something, but the words got stuck in her throat, and she cried. The tears rolled silently down her cheek and intensified when Bucky held her closer.

His scent, touch, and breath on her skin were too much. Her mind couldn’t think straight. “I need a moment.” Her words left her lips after her body had already parted from his. He tried to hold her fingertips, but she could only repeat herself. “I need a moment.”

Lillian took her jacket from the chair and was already by the door when everybody noticed what was happening. Sam glanced at Bucky, and when he tried to follow Lilly, Sam stopped him.

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#bucky barnes #save him from himself #marvel #the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws #chapter 9 #expectancy #tw #throwing up #lillian

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