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This is for the 30 something followers I supposedly have.

First I would like to introduce myself. My full name is Alexis. But I prefer to go by Lex for short. I’m currently 21 and I go to community college. In my spare time I paint and ponder on fantastical worlds in my head. I’ve got lots of issues with confidence and am stuck in the phase where everything I make doesn’t feel good enough. I’m single and to be honest not very good at any type of relationship. So yeah I’ve got issues and they’ve only escalated in the recent months.

Today I got hit real hard with stress. The reason? I just lost more hours at my job. A job that I would normally work 20 hours a week I am now working 6 hours a week. I get paid every 2 weeks so at most I’ll be paid $120 (not including tax). Luckily I live with my parents so I don’t have to worry about a lot of bills. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less stressed out. I mainly use my job to support my art and to buy food because I’m pescatarian. Everywhere I go I see empty parking lots that were once full, shelves that used to be packed with food vacant, and people wearing masks when it wasn’t the norm. My days start at home and end at home with work being my only contact with the outside world. Being online more often than not makes me sick to my stomach, because all I ever see is the curve and inhumanity go up.

I try to focus on school as much as I can but how can I? How can I focus when my head is spinning with so much negativity. My job was a source of escape and comfort. My boss has always been kind and accommodating and I love spending time with my coworkers. Now I don’t even get to see them and work has become a source of anxiety. Anxiety which grows every day as I become more and more uncertain of how long the business I work at will remain open. A business I might add is local and small, therefore taking the biggest hit in all this. My boss has applied for a loan but I don’t know how long that will help or if it will only end up hurting us in the long run.

Uncertainty, anxiety, and fear are my new normal. I don’t recognize the world we live in right now and it fills me with sorrow. For those who still think this is hoax it’s not. For those who’re still going out for non essential reasons and not keeping their distance STOP. This thing will continue to spread unless we all get on the same page. We’re all hurting right now, our doctors and nurses especially. So please follow the guidelines and take this seriously. I hope those of you who read this take my story as part of the bigger picture.

For those of you who want to see my work my insta is @black_lantern_art. Thanks

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These meaningless words you told me
Finally burning down on me like the summer sun
All this hope you gave me eversince I walked through the alley
Nothing but a way for you to feed your ego

These cold days here now between the steel doors
I hope and pray again for your protection
All I wish that you´ll finally hold your promise
As the wind surpresses my hope

These falling leaves finally left their tree
And I escape to a familiar world
Still these doors hold me back
Forcing me to pray again

I see the sun setting down
As my hope for redemption falls along with it
The ones that fought with me
Finally embrace their desiring freedom

As these dark days are getting colder
And I´m falling into this familiar pain
At last I can finally ask with my head held upright
How can you justify your act of awakening the flower again?

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