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dammitadolfnomorecake · 3 years

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Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.65

Lance lay staring at the ceiling, ashamed of his behaviour over the last two days. He would have punched himself in the face if he didn’t know it’d both hurt and potentially wake Keith up. Two days of heat. Two days of heats and he remembered it all like a dream. Not only had he torn Keith’s shirt off him, he’d slept with him. Like... him inside Keith slept with him. Keith half on half off the desk, Lance buried inside of him as Keith cried out his name... slept with him... lubed, fingered, taken Keith’s virginity... slept with him... the sound of wet skin, the feel of Keith around him, the almost hollow feeling in his belly from being filled over and over, only to not be being filled at all... He’d been awkward, driven by heat, unable to let go of Keith’s body... slept with him. He couldn’t stop himself. Keith hadn’t come... both of them kind of stopping after Lance came. His boyfriend cared about him, putting himself in discomfort for him...

Titling his head, he looked from the white ceiling to his boyfriend’s sleeping face. Keith sleeping on his stomach, arm around Lance as he drooled. He could have left. He should have left. Instead he held him. He made sure Lance drank the blood they’d left for him. Made sure they used condoms when they’d fucked. Nothing off limits, not even him riding Keith’s face, face sopping wet and damn did that boy eat arse until his toes curled and he had to be pinned face down and fucked... everything he did was for Lance. Made sure Lance feel like that main character in his favourite rom-coms but what had he done for Keith? Scared him for one thing. What kind of an idiot told his boyfriend he loved him before falling asleep on him?! Was he allowed to tell him? Nearly two months of dating... it was way too soon. It felt like it was too soon. He was being too impulsive. He might have growing feelings for Keith that verged on ridiculous, but things were so good how they were. He could punch himself for it... God... his room was a mess. They’d had way too much sex... If he felt tender as hell, Keith’s junk probably felt drained as hell... He didn’t deserve Keith. Keith looked so damn tired in his sleep. Conked out in a position that couldn’t be too comfortable seeing Lance’s arm was under him. He’d gone into heat over another vampire. Not only was that another vampire he didn’t know. It was very much a vampire who wasn’t Keith. He’d wanted Keith to come, but he’d wanted him to stay away. Confused as to why it’d happened. Coran warned it could happen... just not how hard it’d hit or how it’d make him feel.

Keith woke a very unromantic way, farting loudly, his boyfriend rolled over, nearly falling off the side of the bed as Lance was gassed. Grabbing Keith before he could fall, Lance pulled him against him, Keith wriggling himself so that now he was on his back and Lance was laying on his side again him. Wrinkling his nose, Keith scrunched his eyes closed, asking

“Did you fart?”

“Nope. That was all you”

“That’s fucking toxic. It smells dead”

“As someone who’s dead, I take offence to that”

It rivalled an after milk fart. Keith needed to improve his diet because it was toxic

“You don’t smell like that”

“Then it can’t be dead unless your insides died from sex”

Keith groaned at him, opening those galaxy eyes of his

“We fucked a lot”

“We did. How do you feel?”

“Like I pooped the wrong way... how can you like it?”

“Because it’s you. Do your hips hurt?”

“Not as much as my dick... fuck... how’s your heat?”

“Finally gone...”

“That was fucking intense”

“Mhmm...”

Letting his eyes start to slide closed again, Lance untangled himself from Keith. Keith whining and sticking a hand out blindly to find him

“Where are you going?”

“I thought you’d go back to sleep so I’d go take a shower”

“Nope... come back and cuddle”

“Not in that noxious fart of yours”

“It’s not my fault... don’t leave me here”

Keith didn’t have enough coffee in his system to save himself. Lance had kind of hoped that he’d be able to shower alone... maybe score a few moments to himself. To prepare for Keith waking up and his boyfriend breaking his heart because he’d come to hate him. He was such a push over. He couldn’t leave Keith here... In a fart so bad it tasted like month old death on your tongue

“I’ll carry you. But if you fart again, I’m dropping you and leaving you behind to fend for yourself”

“Fair”

Someone had noticed Lance’s heat had ended. Returning from the bathroom, three cups of coffee, a box of donuts, an icepack and bag of blood sat on Lance’s desk. Lance’s bin liner was gone, as were the sheets. Keith would have still been in the shower if his boyfriend hadn’t helped him out, yet to strip and clean Lance’s room up so fast was some kind of miracle. Lance paid it no mind. As far a decaffinated Keith could tell, Lance was in La-La land. He had been since they started cleaning up. Keith insisted on help Lance shower, seeing Lance had helped him and washed his hair for him, but his boyfriend didn’t seem to want to be touched.

Grabbing a cup of coffee, Keith sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. Lance’s heat had driven slightly mad, he’d wanted to try bottoming, but damn if it didn’t feel more uncomfortable than good. Ignoring the desk, Lance went to his wardrobe, digging out clothes for both of them

“Curtis came. He left clothes for you”

“How do you know it was him?”

“I can smell him”

Keith couldn’t smell anything other than Lance and sex. He didn’t like the idea of another man’s scent in his boyfriend’s bedroom.

Placing a pile of clothes beside him, Keith ignored them in favour of enjoying his coffee. It was a little cold but that just meant he could drink it down faster

“If you want to get changed in here, I’ll change in the bathroom”

“Why?”

“I thought you’d prefer it”

Keith had no idea what that was meant to mean

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m going to change”

Okay. Maybe Lance wasn’t off with the faeries. His boyfriend was acting weird. Surely they’d passed weird having seen every inch of each other naked. With his first coffee cup emptied, Keith tossed at the bin and missed. The groan he let out was as much over missing the bin as it was over Lance acting weird. Feeling it was too much effort to fish the cup out from under the desk, Keith instead used the sliver of effort he had left to get dressed. He didn’t get why Lance was acting so embarrassed now. They’d gone at it like rabbits, and it’d be fine at time. Maybe he was missing something because there to much blood in his blood stream again? Or maybe Lance was overthinking things?

When Lance came back from the bathroom, he walked straight past Keith. Picking up the landline phone in his room, Lance called Coran, confirming they’d be on their way up soon. That stung. Surely they could have stayed hidden away from the world for a little longer. Placing down the receiver, Lance grabbed up his bag of blood

“Babe, is everything okay?”

Keith deflated a little more inside as Lance flashed him a fake smile

“Just hungry. Coran wants us to meet him with the others in the conference room”

“You’ve been... seem off?”

“Fine. Just tired and hungry”

Standing, Keith reached for Lance who stepped back. Yep. His boyfriend wasn’t being normal

“You can talk to me. I don’t know what I did if you don’t talk to me”

“It’s not you. Okay. You were great. You were perfect. I’m the one who couldn’t keep it in my fucking pants”

Fumbling the cap of the blood bag, Lance hurled it at the wall. Keith flinching at the action. Giving Lance a moment to calm, Keith then asked

“Is it your heat? Babe, I don’t mind. I want you to be able to rely on me. You don’t need to be embarrassed”

“I don’t know, okay. I know but I don’t and I know you didn’t deserve to be used like a fucking sex toy, because I fucking love and respect you! I’m tired. I’m sore. I’m embarrassed! I cheated on you by going into heat thanks to some fucking stranger! I can’t do this right now”

Lance stormed off, slamming the door behind him. Keith remaining standing there. If Lance was going to yell, he could too

“I fucking like you and shit! I want to be there for you! If you’re going to tell me thing like that, at least give me a chance to reply!”

Lance’s walking job, turned to more of a run as fled from Keith. The condom broke. The condom broke. The condom broke. His first heat and the condom broke. He’d felt something less than desirable slide down his inner thigh a he carried Keith to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet, he’d gone to clean himself up... and there it was... and now he was panicking all over again. The condom broke... and he didn’t even know when. He hadn’t even felt it half inside of him. Now he was making a beeline for Coran, before he broke down in tears for being a dick to Keith. He’d had enough on his mind with how he didn’t deserve Keith. He’d even yelled at him about loving him. What was Keith supposed to think? He wasn’t impressed Lance took off... but he needed Coran.

Rushing into the meeting room, he ignored everyone as he rushed to Coran. Coran immediately sensing his distress and wrapping his arms around him. Burying his face against Coran, his body was shaking

“Lance, my boy. Whatever is the matter?”

“I fucked up!”

Pretty much wailing in Coran’s ear, Shiro’s voice came from behind them

“What do you mean!? Is Keith okay?!”

Lance nodded, letting out a sob at Keith’s name

“Come with me, my sweet boy. It can’t be that bad”

Coran took him away from the others and to his office. Lance clinging to him the whole way to the examination table. Climbing up to sit next to each other, Lance hid his face as Coran stroked his hair

“Lance, what happened?”

“I... the... condom... broke. Keith doesn’t know and I don’t know what to do!”

Crying harder, Coran hushed him, rocking him gently as he did

“Oh, my boy. Are you sure? I... this is rather delicate, are you sure you weren’t laying on it?”

Now Coran said that, he wasn’t... but it’d definitely been up there...

“I don’t... it...”

“Okay, okay... you’re okay”

“I’m not! I yelled at Keith. I was horrible to him. I respect him so much and I... I’m in love with him... and he had to put up with me and I think I’ve ruined everything. What... if he only thinks I love him because of the broken condom?!”

Coran rubbed his back

“I’m certain Keith knows that not the case. I can give you something to take, but I’m hesitant to do so without you having talked to Keith yet. It is designed for werewolves but it should do the trick in an emergency”

“He... he’ll hate me!”

“My dear boy, it takes two to make a full belly. You’ve had a scare, but you’ll be okay”

Lance didn’t feel like he’d ever be okay again

“I love him... I love him... I know it’s too soon... but...”

“Hush. Love comes as it does”

“I was horrible to him... he did everything he could for me... he should break up with me... I practically cheated on him! Someone else sent me into heat! I don’t want anyone other than him”

Coran kissed him on the temple

“Come now, you’re overreacting. Keith loves you. He’s made that very clear. You two are good for each other”

“I’m not good for him... I’m... not a hunter. I’m not alive. I don’t contribute anything around here... I can’t have a baby... I don’t know how to have a baby... I don’t want to poop a baby out my arse...”

With a squeak, Lance found himself turning into a bat. Coran sighing as pulled him up and out his shirt

“You’ve had a tough life, my boy. I understand. You are like a son to me, you are allowed to be happy. In fact, nothing would make this old Fae happier than to know you were happy. Now, I was hoping to have a chat with Keith about this, but that will have to wait for now. You’ve come out of heat, your emotions and hormones are a mess, but rest assured my boy, that was relatively short for a heat, though the intensity was quite surprising. I suppose I best call Keith aside and let him know that you’re quite scattered at the moment”

Lance’s little body was tucked up against Coran’s shoulder. Soft sad squeaks coming from him as he continued to cry. Coran should understand how hard it was for a vampire to be with a human. He couldn’t be pregnant. He couldn’t do that to Keith. It was only a few days ago they’d agreed they weren’t ready for children... but what if Keith was never ready? What if he didn’t want weird half vampire babies... oh god... he couldn’t get Keith pregnant could he? He hadn’t used a condom with Keith... What if Keith was pregnant?! No... Keith didn’t have the right plumbing... oh... fuck... what if his sperm turned Keith? Keith had sucked him off before... but what if... what if...

Flapping his wings, he tried to ask all of this of Coran, Coran smiling down at him

“I have no idea what you’re saying, but you certainly are adorable as a bat. I guess we should head back to the others. Keith should be able to find us easily enough”

Coran didn’t get it. He didn’t want to see Keith right now. Keith would scoop him up and cuddle him... while Lance was holding onto a secret that could break them up. It was like the worst feeling ever and all he could do was squeak about it.

#once bitten twice stupid #oncebittentwicestupid

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revelaare · 4 years

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Shit said in the Crimson Discord & VC, taken out of context part 2, (the sequel)

Big NSFW warning, probably

his meat slid off and then slid right back on

[PRONOUN] can punch me in my uterus and make a hammock out of my ovaries

it’s one of the worst fucking things i’ve ever heard, and i’ve heard someone literally shit their pants

they tagged me and my ass clenched

this man just said “I want to eat ur ass and then kiss you” ok buddy

a man with a plan

my grandpa is texting his hoes from his flip phone

god my lawyer was a hit but idk if she will be the chosen one or not

hello give me your toenails

i'll touch you in a non-weird way

he was in that movie with the people, he was the human.

i want her to brush my hair

If we have dick glasses they have to be of the highest quality for the best experience

i don't wanna watch that white nonsense

i would throat him like a fine wine

these millenials can't live without ac? back in my day we lived on the sun

yall better put those goats on a wheel, tell them to start running

he looks like a bitch

yes or no, u wud punch the light bulb out of thomas edisons wrinkly pruned hand and asked him if he believed in god

still has skin and a working body

i needed to wait until my voice changes

you thought i was snacking on joe biden’s savory meat stick

barack guckin oglizzy, oguckma, barack osugma, Joe choden, OglchnnngggHHHYynnUUUnnghhma

why did i have a dream that i was taking the lid off my car

false gods require wine, real gods require coochiefice

fettucine wet ass pussy

that was all you sent me. the picture of a raccoon and then nothing

it isn’t hate, it is ‘continuously let down by’.

i never went to school who science

i’m gunna go peer pressure my mum into a shot

thank you for furthering my career at hot topic

i will suck the ingrown hair off of him

it has huge jackman in it

i chomped on this eggshell, got my calcium in for the day

i will take you to touch the mango

i want to see all the big things

[PRONOUN] has collar bones so deep you could hook a clothing hanger into it

no asscheeks in fucking family chat you animals

he will eat you alive and suck out your intestines like its a spaghetti noodle

[NAMES]’s Tiggle Biddie’s

dropped acid, cried the whole night.

my stomach is hooping and hollering, i’m about to eat some sleep

you want my throatsac ??

please dont know me as the toenail eater

you have to keep the skin on one side while you eat the other, thats basic mango physics

i mean he is some good sasuage

calm down dick Hannibal

respectfully, what the fuck is this

tbf i only eat my steaks where they need tampons

you committed acts of culinary terrorism

does your refrigerator whimper and cower in the corner when you approach it. that's your fridge trying to use echo location to locate a safe space

thundercuck

i almost met Jesus, I almost got an autograph. Almost got a greatest hits signed album.

respectfully, are you smoking fucking crack?

my left testicle could play better than you

i’ll eat him with ketchup

son of a biscuit eating bulldog!

now it’s back to me sucking, all is right in the world.

holy fuck weasels.

holy fuck, weasels!

why does the bad guy look like the Statue of Liberty?

this is a man that sometimes willingly dresses like a lumberjack

and me, being an emotional cripple, must make jokes about this.

hey my name is [NAME] i'm **definitely** who i say i am

[NAME OR PRONOUN] offered a back massage by calling it the “tickle thing”

i love a man who puts his parents in a nursing home.

my brain is going to take a hot shower

wait have u seen steve harvey's coochie

if it were me i would simply not be pregnant

look im not about to be out here saying i love [NAME OR PRONOUN] feet, but i am about to be out here saying that their feet are some of the nicest feet i've seen in a long time

i named my cloyster renesmee

[NAME] was texting me from the bathtub

you’re pregnant? That’s unfortunate.

do I say dumb shit? Perhaps. Do I take ownership? Perhaps.

i pay for things in blissful ignorance

i am an emotional vagrant

i am an emotional fragrance

to make a long motherfucking story short...

this enchilada tastes like asshole and sadness

you are not an ugly bitch, you’re just a bitch

that’s not a nut shot, buddy.

i’m sad because i sucked the meat off of this pumpkin spice latte

i want to make a blanket out of his eyebrows

what are you disgracing my Christian eyes for?

he be looking at that dick like why does it go so much to the left?

I want her to record an audio book for me so I can fall asleep listening to her voice.

Can I lick you like an ice cream cone? Asking for science.

like you're out to lunch with your bromie and you're eating some rubens or something and you wistfully look over the rim of your sunglasses and just: You ever buss 2 fast

my accent is flaccid

timotay chalamaymay’s sweet ass

on the bright side mcallister’s gave me 3 pickle spears. Almost enough to make a whole pickle.

you think they came from the same mommy pickle?

HIS DOODLE IS OUT

i thot that meant [NAME] wanted to...doodle his noodle

i don’t use commas, i don't respect u enough, fuck ur reading comprehension.

does australia have seasons

i want someone to embalm my body with mcdonalds sprite

his hermione grangina

purrrr my last email

its lore locked beneath 30 layers. u can only understand it if uve had a near death experience

LET'S GET FUCKY

i wanna have the heart of a stoner

his man titties look like little tattooed pillows

SWIGGITY SWOOTY COMIN FOR THAT BOOTY

there were no cheeks to shake. nothing to clap. no noise to be had from her literal slices of wonderbread

u ever just fuck around and ur tits fart

put a lil mint leaf on it for authenticity

alright brother god bless may u be fertile

i feel like im being advocated for something i shouldnt be advocating for

and i am adam with my fat pendulous balls lol

i’m making whuppie with whoopie godberg

theodore tits fart rex

yeah man do u also have the third toe on ur shoulder

the green spaghetti monster is coming for me and i can't blame him

today i learned starfish do not poop

that was nothing compared to some other things I saw

listen I'd willingly watch [NAME/PRONOUN] in a cell for 24 hours. Imagine that sounded less creepy

i'd lick a dirty flip flop off her abs

i’m tempted to show you all the gravity defining boobs, maybe tomorrow

my brain is on vacation

good morning! i ate breakfast and im ready to go to bed

tape the titty in

ive unironically had nightmares with [NAME] in them

the peanut in the auditory canal

so far this feel all comfortable, does this all make sense?

i know it's kind of a schlep to get through

nail polish or no nail polish for the shower?

and then he saw those big tt honkerz... and it all went down hill from there

can y’all stop chanting curses in the chat my furniture is stuck on the ceiling

EH?! CIAO? HELLO??

in Russia this is not ok

i can’t buy pants here on Sunday either

IT'S LIKE TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO EAT ON A SOGGY PANCAKE

imagine me going up to [NAME/PRONOUN] and being like i love the way ur flesh smells

in a supermarket. The sickly blue light where humans congregate. Animal human masses. Nameless faces. Whole lives boiled into generalized categories like "asshole who definitely does need 4 boxes of cheerios". Yout hink and realize while stabding in line u didnt grab the bag of frozen peas...but its 2 late

its truly the only picture that gives me pure joy

are weasels real

my work mum just messaged me the phrase "use your booty call wisely" with no context

"let's bring u to the mustache chair"

If you’re not doing coke under the coke sign what is the point?

#⋆ ˚｡⋆˚ meme day #HERE U GO U SINNERS.#THE SEQUEL.

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terra-writes · 5 years

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Tales from my Bio 108 class

As much as I still hate my Biology for Contemporary Society class, sometimes things happen that make me hate it a little less, and I’ve decided to share some of the gems with all of you. All of this is 100% true you can ask my friend who sits next to me @ibelieveinahappilyeverafter. I don’t think she’s quite forgiven me for some of the things I’ve said to help her remember some of the terms we’ve learned but oh well.

I’ll probably keep updating this as the semester goes on:

Shit our teacher has said:

When explaining cause and effect: “If I punched you in the face and your nose broke, then I can say the knuckles in my fist caused the break.” (a pause as he looks at the student he had used for the example in the front row) “Okay wait maybe I shouldn’t have said you in that example specifically but-”

When explaining cellulose (sugar) and how it helps provide rigidity: “But it’s sugar, how can it be strong!” “Go punch a tree.”

When explaining that the nucleolus has pores: “It’s important to remember the nucleolus has whores” (he had actually said this correctly, but he mumbled the first part of “pores” so the whole class had misheard him)

When explaining what flagellum was after he got done showing & explaining what Cilia is: “Don’t worry I’ll show you guys a sperm cell in a minute” (said the same day as the “whores” thing)

“I didn’t bring any of my markers to write this on the board. WAIT, I have Microsoft word!” (the class has a projector for power points) “We need a big ass font.” (a pause) “That’s not big enough”

“It’s called sluffing (spelling?). I love that term because it sounds weird”

“You’re going to get out a bit early and you probably shouldn’t since we missed that one day but... I feel like it.”

(taken straight from @ibelieveinahappilyeverafter‘s BIO notes about Mitochondria: Just got to mitochondria and a dude, straight-faced, raised his hand and asked, “Isn’t mitochondria the powerhouse of the cell?” Teacher just went off on the difference between a powerhouse, a power plant, and everything else. /// (He said he doesn’t like to call it the “powerhouse” because the meaning of the word has shifted to mean big buff man and not an actual place that provides power aka energy which is what Mitochondria does, provide energy to the cell)

Shit I have come up with to help me remember some of my notes:

Buffers are people pleasers who will add or reduce the amount of H+ in a solution as needed

The nucleolus is the pimp/whorehouse of the cell (directly relates to his mishap when explaining that it has pores)

Just remember Golgi and you’re Gucci - we learned it as “Golgi Apparatus” but we were told that it can have a few different versions where the second word is something different (like Golgi body) so we just had to remember the Golgi part and we’d be okay

We breathe plant poop/farts - oxygen is a waste product of plants which is common knowledge but I still like this analogy so I’m including it

Chromatids = Chromatiddies because they are “2 sisters” that connect at a the centromere- we were learning about Cell Interphase and he told us that he will take full points off if we mess up and write Chromatin down instead of Chromatid and vice versa even though they are only one letter difference because they are 2 very different things

#terra says #biology

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betweentheseseams · 5 years

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PSA

Kids get so much shit nowadays for lack of creativity and being helicoptered to the point that they have trouble completing basic tasks like cutting things out of paper, but I used to work as a children’s librarian and lemme tell you how fucking FANTASTIC/funny kids are:

-A group of kids would come in after school and hang out while doing homework. I overheard them talking about ghosts, and made up a full story that the library was haunted by the ghost of someone’s butt. They immediately formed a paranormal society amongst themselves and for the next two months, I hid secret messages and clues for them around the library as the Butt Ghost™️.

-Whenever it was time to start a program or everyone was acting up, I’d threaten to fist fight whoever wasn’t behaving in the story pit. They LOVED that, and over time the threats grew to kicking their butts off the balcony above the circ desk and cutting their feet off. One 4 year old in particular was really into this and would follow me around like a hype man, adding worse and worse threats onto what I said until we got a call from a parent whose kid was worried little Hype Man was going to “spork her eyeballs”.

-On a rainy summer afternoon, an 8 year old girl came up to me and very seriously confessed that she was actually an 8000 year old vampire, with a 90 minute origin story to back up the claim. She quickly became my favorite and would spend hours at the library hanging out with me. She decided that because she was there so much, she might as well get paid for it, and so one day after the head admin visited us, she asked him if he would just hire her already (all whilst putting stickers all over her face). It didn’t work, but that’s my go-to interview tactic now.

-Baby Vamp loved the library so much that she made a Sims version of it, complete with Sims of the two of us so she could always be in her favorite place. She would stress me out by peeling a whole banana and then eating the thing while holding the bare banana in her hand. To this day she’ll text me photos of peeled bananas just sitting around her house. She also refused to take “maybe in the future” as an answer when I told her we couldn’t afford to do a program she wanted, so she went around and got 100+ signatures on a petition. Guess who found money in the budget?

-A junior high student came in one night while I was swamped working the desk and wanted me to guess what happened at the high school football game over the weekend. When I gave a generic guess, he countered with “No, some guy came up to my friend and pushed him, and so I pushed him back and then he got in my face and said “Bet you don’t have the balls to punch me”, so I choked him out and now my church is mad at me”. This was apparently a game where his church was doing a fundraiser to help a family fighting cancer, and he was supposed to be running raffle tickets.

One of my favorite things about working with them was the sheer amount of crazy stuff I never thought I’d have to say out loud, like:

“Can we please stop talking about God for five seconds and focus on the Titanic?”

“Please do not poop your pants in the story pit.”

“We are definitely not going to make Tide Pod slime.”

“Please stop telling everyone you’re going to eat their butts.”

“Are you sure you want the Illuminati symbol painted on your face? What about a football instead?”

“Unfortunately, you can’t take your pants off in the library.”

“This space is a dab-free zone.”

“I don’t think your parents would appreciate you putting a trail cam in the living room to catch Santa.”

“You don’t get to cry if someone calls you a brat for throwing a stapler at them.”

“8th graders can’t check out 50 Shades of Grey. I don’t care if you pinky promise to cover your eyes at the bad parts.”

“If you’re going to fist fight, do it in the hallway. I’m not cleaning up blood.”

“You can’t say someone is ‘probably pregnant’ just because they cut the lunch line in front of you.”

“Please stop licking the desk.”

“It’s not called ‘friendly fire’ when you fart in your friend’s face, you’re just being a jerk.”

Kids are the BEST.

#personal #kids #children #libraries #librarian #library life #funny #textpost #writing #comedy #lol #books #reading #quotes #education

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silvyri · 5 years

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I'd never heard if this one for soulmates before! 22 the one where it’s impossible to lie to your soulmate. Spideypool, especially if they don't figure it out at first meet b/c Spidey's pretty honest even when annoyed and Deadpool distracts instead of outright lying usually (and super-bro-code doesn't try to pry into the secret identity)

The one where it’s impossible to lie to your soulmate.

People say the most outrageous lies when they meet a person for the first time to see if they’re their soulmate. Peter thinks that’s what Deadpool is doing, except the man just keeps on saying the most ridiculous things to him even after their first meeting.

“I’ll give you my entire Dora the Explorer DVD collection if you let me lick your pecs just once!”

“I wanna tongue punch your fart box!”

“Hey Spidey, I dream about your juicy ass at least twice a night, and I don’t need to be asleep to do it!”

“I’d give up saying chimichangas if you go on a date with me, and let me tell you, it ain’t no lie when I say that the word chimichangas makes up like 50% of my diary entries each day so I hope you understand how far I’m willing to go for you!”

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in my life, and I was at the Super-Bowl when the Janet Jackson nip-slip happened!”

And Peter likes to think he’s a polite dude. He humours Deadpool for a bit, because yeah, he kind of might like the guy, just a teeny tiny bit, and some of the things he says are rather flattering, if vulgar, and Peter doesn’t have the best self esteem in the world. Sometimes it’s nice to hear he has the booty of a Greek God, and that his knees (why knees? Deadpool you are so weird) are totally lickable. But after a bloody and long skirmish with Electro he’s singed and tired and totally knows that the ten block radius of damage that resulted from the fight is going to be blamed on Spider-Man tomorrow, so yeah, when Deadpool shows up out the blue and starts hitting on him Peter kind of snaps.

“No, I don’t want to take a ride on your disco stick!” He growls, “can’t you see that I’m a little tired here?”

“Sorry, Webs.” Deadpool at least has the sense to look a little ashamed under his mask. “Uh, what I meant to say, is that do you want some help getting home? The Dead-taxi is here, at your service!”

“No,” Peter grumbles from his spot collapsed against the fire escape. “I just need some rest, is all. Away from annoying mutants who can’t seem to shut up and catch the hint that I kind of want to be alone right now!”

“...Sorry,” Deadpool whispers, his shoulders sagging. Peter feels a little sting of remorse, and then squashes it down with a surge of annoyance. “Do you want me to leave?”

And Peter’s irritated and sore and bruised all over but the worst thing is he’s mostly annoyed at himself, because there’s a big part of him that wants Deadpool to stay, to pick him up in his ridiculously muscled arms and cradle him against that big broad chest and take him home and cuddle him of all things, and it’s entirely that small part of him that’s prickly and pissed off about having a crush on Deadpool that makes him open his mouth and say “yes.”

But the thing is, he can’t say it. His mouth hangs open and his lips make the right shape but his vocal chords refuse to work and Peter almost had a heart attack when he realises that he can’t lie.

He can’t lie to Deadpool.

“Spidey?” Deadpool sinks down to his knees next to Peter, and his white stupid panda eyes of his mask are worried. “You’re gonna catch flies like that. Unless that’s totally what you’re going for because you’re Spider-Man and spiders eat flies and you’re trying to go for an authentic image?”

And Peter tries to say, “Iggy Azalea is the defining rapper of the generation,” but all that comes out is “Iggy Azalea is the-” and he chokes on the lie. Tries to say “chocolate chip pancakes are gross and I hate them,” and ends up with “chocolate pancakes are- grnf.” And he sits there, stunned, as Deadpool’s panda eyes go from worried to wide with realisation.

“Oh,” Deadpool says, “you finally figured it out.”

And all Peter can say is, “you knew? What? How? When?”

And Deadpool shrugs. “When we first met and I was singing I Don’t Fuck With You because Iron Poop was hanging about and then I saw you behind him and I choked on the line I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do, than to be fuckin' with you and I’ve never ever gotten the lyrics wrong, not even during Chinese water torture, and that shit seriously fucks with you.”

“That was months ago!” Peter squeaks. “And you didn’t think to tell me that you’re- that I’m your soulmate?”

Deadpool shrugs again. “Just because you’re my soulmate doesn’t mean that you like me. I’d rather us, you know, become friends or whatever because you actually like me, and not because of some stupid soulbond that doesn’t really mean anything except that some higher power thought that we should bump uglies. That shit’s seriously got some underlying non-consensual connotations hiding in there too, like what if I don’t want to have a soulmate and a perfect match or whatever, I could totally be fine on my own, not that I’m saying that I don’t want you because fuckbuckets holy shit I do because you’re amazing and strong and beautiful and good and honest to such a degree that you didn’t figure out that we’re soulmates until now and you don’t like milk either because ew cow titty juice right and you make me want to be a better person and what I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you not because of some stupid soulbond, but because you’re you.”

And then it’s Peter’s turn to say “oh.” And then it only makes sense to pull his mask off and yank Deadpool close and say, “you should totally kiss me right now,” and Deadpool rolls his mask up so fast he almost takes an eye out and when their lips meet all the hair on Peter’s body stands up and his stomach tightens and something in his chest pulls free and soars.

Later, when they’re in Peter’s shitty apartment and Peter’s lying on naked on Deadpool’s chest in bed and they’re no longer Spider-Man and Deadpool but Peter and Wade, soulmates, he says, “I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out faster.”

“Baby boy, you’re smart but you’re also kind of dumb,” Wade grins, and Peter jabs him in the side and the afterglow dissolves into a tickle fight but Peter’s not mad because yeah, it can’t be a lie, he kind of is. But that’s okay because he’s Wade’s and Wade is his and they’re just two dumb dudes dressed up in skin tight suits patrolling the streets of New York, beating up bad guys, telling bad jokes, eating tacos out of questionable food trucks and being perfect for one another.

#spideypool #soulmate prompt #anon #sorry that this is kind of late #i got stuck with a bad case of writers block #i hope you enjoyed #silvyri writes #silvyri answers #soulmate au #ficlet

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sherrachan · 5 years

Text

This last week has offered a variety of stresses, but I thought I’d share this bit of hilarious from last night.

I’ve been doing the 100 baby challenge in Sims 4 but I sidestepped my main matriarch to complete some grandbaby making on the side with one of the oldest adult daughters in order to fulfill ambitions. What I forgot to do was turn on only aging for the currently played household, which meant I left my main girl auto-aging with 4 babies and currently pregnant.

Well, when I finally got back to playing her last night all of a sudden I had 6 untrained toddlers all ambling about my house. What ensued was about 5 hours of barely controlled chaos as I attempted to potty train, bathe, and otherwise micromanage the education of 6 demon toddlers who were hell bent on just making as many messes as possible, but somehow, I managed.

About 2am in the morning I’m getting their skills all near a point where I can age them up (according to the 100 baby challenge rules for aging up, you see) but they’re all lacking potty skill at this point...I’m already a bit punch drunk from how late it is and how crazy this has all been but at some point I realize that...

I have set up a line of 6 toddler potties, and like some kind of forced defecation Auschwitz I am ordering these crying, filthy, tired, unhappy toddlers to just shit over and over and over again in these overflowing toilets in order to reach Potty 3 and I FUCKING LOSE IT.

“NO SLEEP, ONLY POTTY!” I yell to to my miserable toddlers. I begin laughing so hard it wakes my husband up early for work. He comes down the stairs to check on me. I begin cry-laughing to the point I cannot even explain what’s funny to him. I am bent over the kitchen counter doubled over with a fit of hysteria and can only assume he thinks I’ve finally lost my mind. Just when I’ve caught my breath my husband farts and it reminds me of the potty noise in the game and it starts all over again. Somewhere in-between rolls of giggle-fit I finally explain what I’m laughing about and that no, I haven’t been taking any drugs. Although I admit I might actually be going insane.

He spends the rest of his time before work making jokes (POOP FOR THE FUHRER!) to get me laughing again and by the time he leaves I am unable to breathe and my sides hurt. I finish up some chores and go to bed. Before I fall asleep he texts me a screenshot of a baby potty training and I lose it all over again until I pass out from laugh exhaustion. This was my evening.

#personal #sims 4 #100 baby challenge #the sims

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traveling-madness · 6 years

Note

everything for shi(t)p(ost) :)

@lyesander you asked on anon and then openly told me it was you come forward. Anyway this is under the cut because it got. Really long.

- How do they fall asleep? Wake up? Any daily rituals?a. You know how kittens pile on top of each other? Usually they sleep like that. b. Clara wakes up at 5am in the morning, Craig does…not do that, She makes breakfast goes for a run showers and is usually gone for work before he’s even halfway awake and on one hand he hates that but on the other being awake before 7 is too haaarrrd. c. She also leaves him notes every morning but usually the note asks him to do at least one thing and that’s so much work :(.

- How’s their team work? Do they share well?a. Depends on what the teamwork is for. b. Sharing love? Yea. Sharing blankets/the tv/ Clara’s attention? Craig.exe has stopped.

- Are they open about their relationship? How do they feel about public displays of affection?a. Clara at everyone she knows: “This is my boyfriend and I love him.” Craig at everyone he doesn’t know, strangers, baristas, waiters, gas station employees: “This is my girlfriend she loves me.” b. They aren’t gross teens making out in public but they are holding hands or her arm is around him or he is sprawled across her lap in a booth at Burger King.

- First impression of each other? Was it love at first sight?a. He called her sexually frustrated and she punched him in the fucking face. b. It was Not.

- Nicknames? Pet names? Any in-jokes?Clara calls him shitlord and their in-jokes are strangely specific memelike phrases and things like Clara still having a plastic poop emoji from Mcdonalds glued to her dashboard.

- Any tasks that are always left to one person?Clara has taken full responsibility for loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash. Craig is in charge of making dinner at LEAST once a week and unloading the dishwasher after it’s done. They switch off on everything else by which I mean Clara does most of it.

- What annoys them the most about their partner? Would they change it if they could?a. Clara’s least favorite thing about Craig is he doesn’t do jack shit and she is significantly worried about his lack of motivation. Craig’s least favorite thing about Clara is that she smells like wet dog but other than that she loves him and so she must not have any flaws. b. They’d both change these things, Clara for Craig’s own good and Craig also for his own good.

- What do they like best about their partner?‘Willing to date me’ is pretty high on both of their lists. On a more lighthearted note they have a lot of similar interests, they’re good at bouncing humor off each other, and they can both provide the amount of affection the other one needs (which is… a lot).

- Do they discuss big issues? Religion? Marriage? Children? Death?Mmmm kind’ve? Religion isn’t hugely important to either of them. It’s pretty clear that they want to get married at some point but It only came up once when Clara was on pain killers. Clara can’t have kids and that’s fine neither of them have an interest in parenting. Death, no, they don’t talk about that because thinking about it is terrible.

- Who drives? Cooks? Does the handiwork? Cleans? Pays the bills? Handles the public?a. Clara. b. Both of them but Craig more often because he does not have a fucking job. c. Depends on the job; Clara fixes what she knows how to and Craig is tasked with figuring out the rest, which he can do, he just doesn’t want to. d. Almost exclusively Clara. e. Clara. f. Both of them but Craig is actually better at it when he wants to be.

- Do they celebrate holidays? Anniversaries?Yes, to both. A lot of holidays are spent at Sketch’s company parties, (or more accurately his mom’s company parties.) They haven’t actually had their first anniversary yet but that’s coming up and will probably be cute as shit.

- Is there a wedding? What was the proposal like? Any kind of honeymoon?There hasn’t been yet but like let’s be honest it’s a solid ‘probably.’ Not anytime imminently soon though.

- What do they do for fun? Do they have a favorite activity or do they like to switch things up?Video games and movie nights are probably the most common. Mostly because they cost the least amount of money and take the least amount of effort. Sometimes they get crazy and go to an arcade or go bowling. Or to the Y across town because swimming is one of the few things that involve physical activity that Craig actually likes doing and Clara will capitalize on that as much as possible.

- Anything they both dread?The other one dying/disappearing, which sounds obvious but sometimes it gets to the point where Clara is overwhelmingly paranoid about leaving the room for a few minutes because what if he gets sucked back into his own dimension and she never sees him again?? That and part of Craig has flat out convinced himself that that Clara is a godsend and he couldn’t survive life without her. (He could but try convincing him that his worth isn’t dependent on people loving him)

- How adventurous are they?Their most adventurous moment so far was exploring an old abandoned military fort in the town Clara used to live in.

- Do they keep secrets? Lie? Cheat? Secrets/lies like Craig sometimes still skims her diary or Clara blaming farts on the dog. Or when Craig says he ‘forgot’ to do what ever chore he was supposed to do that day when in reality he just made a conscious choice not to do it. Or when Clara doesn’t tell him she’s disappointed that he’s not doing anything with his time because she doesn’t want to sound like rev!Clara. Neither of them would cheat on the other one though. Ever.

- What would make them break up? Would it be permanent?a. Craig doing something to ruin her career so she wouldn’t have any reason to leave his side for more than an hour at a time ever. b. in a healthy world yea but it wouldn’t actually be because a week later she’d be like “oh no you’re still crying… I don’t forgive you but you are sad so I’ll pretend it doesn’t matter : (”

- What are their dates like? How long do/did they date? Do they ever feel the need to take a break from each other?a. When they do go out it’s pretty eclectic; anything from going to an arcade to setting up a candle lit dinner… in a burger king. b. They’ve been dating since last May and that’s not going to change any time soon c. No. Never. At all. It’s probably kinda unhealthy.

- What do they fight about? What are their arguments like? How do they make up?a. Craig doing something stupid. Clara saying something sarcastically that sounds a little too close to rev!Clara’s go-to drags. Craig not having a job vs. Clara putting in way too much time that she doesn’t have to a her job. b. Clara is almost always the one to actually address the problem, and puts a lot of planning into how she phrases the conversation. Craig is… capable of having those conversations, but his go to approach is more along the lines of vying for pity based attention because he knows if she feels bad for him she won’t actively be angry, he’s not even always conscious of doing it, and it’s usually on impulse. This is starting to improve, and Clara’s gotten much better at recognizing and addressing it. Unlearning toxic shit takes time but she’s still gonna call him out on it. c. Parroting ‘I-love-you’s back and forth while sometimes crying. Usually a good few hours chilling on the couch watching movies. Whoever was wronged picks the movie and whoever fucked up makes dinner- that’s not a rule it’s more of an unspoken agreement.

- What does their home look like? Their room?Bad. Not the actual apartment like it’s a pretty nice apartment they’re just both shitty at cleaning. See also:Mads-02/28/2018 he lives in a house full of dog fur and grease stains lye-02/28/2018 doesn’t mean he likes it but he’s also too lazy to clean it himself so it’ll be likeclara: (comes home from work)craig: your house is grossclara: then clean it you slut.

- Do they share any interests or hobbies?Vidya game. They’re both roller coaster fanatics also. Those are the biggest things that they both really like independently but also when you spend enough time with someone you love some of the things they like will start to remind you of them to the point you like them vicariously. The best example I can give is Clara used to hate the fucking Hallmark channel in all it’s heteronormative glory but now she actually enjoys like at least three of the movies. Maybe four.

- Does their work ever interfere with the relationship?Craig’s LACK of work does, it’s something Clara is really, REALLY frustrated over and she’s still a little unsure how to convey that without it coming off guilt tripping. At the same time Clara works overtime much more often than Craig would like, which is to say more than once or twice a month. He’s not any better at addressing this than she is though, he tends to do shit like pretend to be sick or actually make himself sick (the latter only once at least) so she’ll stay home.

- How do they hug? Kiss? Tease? Flirt? Comfort?Hugs have a 60 second absolute minimum in this household. Kisses have a two second record minimum but it’s usually at least 5. They are absolute dicks to each other but 99.9% of the time it’s fully communicated to be just that. Teasing. Flirting is terrible romantic gestures are go big or go home. Unless you count Clara making the WORST romance puns and Craig holding up his phone sometimes with ‘love my gf’ memes and going “that’s us babe!” or the one time he tried to lay seductively across the table when Clara got home and her immediate response is “So I guess we’re ordering take out again?” Comforting is either ‘I will hold you for 17 hours non-stop’, ‘you like food right? I’ll make some food’, or both.

- Any doubts about the relationship?Not that they don’t tune out and bury as deep down as possible!

- How much time do they spend together? Do they share their feelings, or hold things in?a. As Much As Possible. Another thing that’s not entirely healthy. b. They share most feelings, until it’s something negative and significant about the other, then they aren’t so good at it. Working on it, but not good at it.

- How do their friends feel about their relationship? Their families?Craig was the one who told Sketch at least because Clara genuinely could not figure out how. I’m assuming the question means like, mutual friends. Clara’s family is touch and go, not too big on Once-lers in general. Her mom likes Craig a lot though and her dad tolerates him which is saying something. Craig’s family doesn’t exist in this universe.

- Do they have kids? Grow old together? Split up?¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Well actually I can say for certain they don’t have kids. Clara physically can’t have kids, or at least not safely, and more importantly can you imagine either of these fucking losers trying to parent anything? Terrifying.

- What are their vacations like?The closest thing to a vacation they’ve gone on is driving like 2 hours to Rhode Island/Connecticut once and then another 2 hours to Vermont for Thanksgiving.

- How do the handle disasters or emergencies? Minor injuries? Sickness?Bad. Mostly because if and when anything bad happens to one of them, the other subsequently flips shit. Clara is a little better at flipping shit INTERNALLY, but don’t let her fool you she is very stressed over her boyfriend coming down with the common cold and yes she DOES need to go home over her lunch break to check on him and NO she is not babying him what the fuck are you talking about.

- Could they manage a long distance relationship?They would INSIST that they can, and maybe they could for a few weeks, but after that things would go pretty bad pretty fast.

- Do they finish each other’s sentences? Pick up any phrases or habits from each other? Know when the other is hiding something?a.They are the couple that would attempt to finish each other’s sentences but fail horribly. Like, really badly, like, inserting words that don’t even make sense badly. “We finish each others-” “Chores, so you’ll clean the kitchen so I can go watch Pretty Woman while it’s on Starz? Thanks!” “No!”b. Ok so Craig is from Texas, very rural tiny ass town in Texas, and unlike Sketch he has done next to nothing to not SOUND like someone from a very rural tiny ass Texas town. After living with him for several months Clara now says y’all’d’ve, y’all’d’n’t’ve, I’d’n’t’ve, and both ain’t and y’ain’t entirely unironically. She very rarely realizes this is happening. c. Clara knows because she’s good at reading people, Craig knows because he’s good at still occasionally reading her diary and just not telling her.

- Do they ever get into trouble? Is it serious, or are they just mischievous?They have had to climb a fence and bail halfway through a game of paintball because Craig shot a kids father who was NOT in the game.

- What kind of presents do they get each other? Do they only do it on special occasions?Craig goes with chocolate because that’s yet to fail, that and just, money he talks Sketch into giving him. Sketch has a habit of giving Clara money and she won’t accept it from him without a fight so at this point he’s reached a state of “I’ll give it to you IF you give it to Clara/put it towards food/rent.”Clara spoils the SHIT out of Craig now that she has a steady job and income. She has gotten him, so far, A Nintendo Switch, an Xbox 1s, and a fucking PS4. Now it should be noted that she also has unlimited access to all of these and tends to beat him at most games played on them, so the selflessness of buying them is debatable.

- Do they have any pets?Sticks!!! But he’s really just Clara’s dog that Craig lives with because being provided with love and affection from Clara is worth being allergic to her dog apparently.

- Do they bring out the best in each other, or the worst? Do they have a fatal flaw?It’s tough to say whether it’s their BEST qualities, but overall they bring out more good in each other than bad. I’m not sure about a fatal flaw but a pretty big one is just, not addressing negative emotions around any aspect of their relationship enough out of fear of losing each other. They aren’t the picture of a perfect relationship by any means either, Clara has an obsession with feeling needed and depended on, and because of this is a massive enabler who pretty much does everything for him. Including things he can very easily do himself. Craig, who doesn’t want to do jack shit and constantly needs to be loved and validated, is very ok with this.

- What’s their greatest strength as a couple? Their weakness?This sounds really disgustingly cheesy but listen they are very in love. Like frighteningly dedicated to one another in love. This is a double edged sword.

- How much would they be willing to sacrifice for the other? Any lines they refuse to cross?They would deadass take a bullet for each other they are Ride Or Die™ let’s be real.

- What are they like in the bedroom? Any kinks/fetishes/turn-ons? Anything they won’t do?a. Uhhh synopsis; Craig’s a sex positive ace and Clara was a virgin until age 26. They are,, I think my most vanilla ship actually? If that says anything lmao. Other than Craig crying after sex on occasion. Lots of eye contact and being as close to each other as possible, less sex more ‘cuddling but with orgasms’. b. Craig has a fucking praise kink and Clara just so happens to never shut up when it comes to giving said praise so jot that down. c. Refer to a, there’s a shit ton of stuff they won’t do I’m too lazy to list all of it. Listen anyone who actually cares can send asks to my nsfw blog because like. I know the answers. It’s probably sad how many answers I’m equipped to give here.

- Who initiated the relationship? Who kissed who first? When did they realize they we’re in love?a/b. That’d be Craig who kicked off the relations hip with the class act of asking “hey wanna make out?” c. That’s not something that happens all at once, for anyone really. It’s a slow realization of ‘oh fuck I’m in love I guess.’

- Any special memories? Do they have a special place they like to go to?Define special because the most prominent memories are of shit like jumping the fence at the paintball place or the time Craig pretended to drown. Also the first time Clara said “I love you” then immediately buried it in a mouthful of spaghetti.

- Are they party-goers? What are they like when they’re drunk? Does it happen often?Nah, other than like, holiday company parties they get invited to. Clara doesn’t drink at all anymore, or at least not without strong supervision, and she definitely doesn’t get drunk anymore. Craig’s just not crazy about alcohol in general, unless it’s got a gallon of sugar it doesn’t even taste good.

- Do they let each other get away with things that would normally bother them?Constantly. There’s some stuff that Clara will draw the line on, and that’s usually when it’s a manipulative situation. But we all know that Craig will put up with just about any shit if it means validation and attention. THIS Clara doesn’t give him too much shit to put up with though, she just kinda smells like wet dog.

- Do they talk often? What about?Yea but not always about things the need to. They talk about their days or plans for the next week or how they’re doing in general, and they will delve into some levels of sharing insecurities but like I said there’s definitely some things they should talk about but haven’t.

- Are the comfortable with each other? Anything they have to have their privacy for?Maybe there was some need for privacy for the first month of living together but honestly at this point “Clara I ate half a pint of ice-cream and on a very related note we are out of toilet paper” is just commonplace conversation. They will hang out for an entire day sitting on the couch eating corn chips wearing each others sweatpants like it’s safe to say they’re comfortable.

- Any special dreams or goals they have as a couple? Any heartbreaks? Regrets?They both wanna marry each other like a lot, like I’m surprised it hasn’t come up more because let’s be honest it’s harder to leave someone when you have to go through a bunch of legal paperwork-. I think the most heartbreaking thing is that all of Craig’s family and friends live in an alternate plane of reality that it seems like there’s no way of getting back to, and if there WAS a way of getting back that would mean choosing between his home and his Clara, who is much better than the Clara back home. There’s some regrets in the making with the whole Clara not sitting down and telling Craig he NEEDS to get a fucking job.

#Anonymous #lyesander #shi(t)p(ost)#ive had this in drafts for DAYS this is like a fucking novella

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tessatechaitea · 4 years

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Batman #87

James Tynion IV and Guillem March team up to make me stop buying Batman.

Part of me just wants to write "UGH!" and be done with reviewing this comic book. But another part of me is hungry. But still another part of me, the one that is against just typing "UGH!", is outraged that I just paid five dollars for a regular issue of Batman because of a stupid glossy and thick cover and that part of me demands that I vent more fully. And yet that's not even why I'm fucking livid! That's just my first and most shallow complaint! I'd prefer if DC Comics just gave me a regular issue of Batman with a regular comic book cover and simply printed on that cover, "We know this is the exact same quality comic book that we'd sell for $3.99 usually but it has Batman in it which means it will sell way more copies than the other issues we sell and we want that sweet, sweet extra dollar per issue windfall!"

Complaint #2: The Riddler believes that a riddle without a solution is the greatest riddle.

Never mind that Guillem March drew The Riddler naked while he's thinking about the greatest riddle ever while on weapons grade amphetamines and he has no visible erection. That's a minor side complaint that I simply assume was on everybody's list of things wrong with this issue. But the revelation that James Tynion IV doesn't understand the concept of riddles is beyond criticism. It's post-critical! The entire purpose of a riddle is that it has a fucking clever answer! A riddle with no answer is a mystery and The Riddler isn't called The Mysteryer! A riddle with no answer is something The Mad Hatter might be into but not The Riddler, Mr. Scott-Snyder-Lite IV! And before some Riddler-loving cuck nerd decides to argue that what Tynion meant was that The Riddler loves a super duper challenging riddle, let me say this: "Then he should have fucking wrote that in the dialogue, shouldn't he have? Not that a 'riddle with no solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' But 'a riddle with a fucking super tough and challenging solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' Now go jerk off to your tepid Riddler sex role play Tumblr blog." Just an aside about my use of the word 'cuck': it's just fucking funny to use! The only good thing the terrible incel Internet community (unless I mean the MRA community (unless I mean the PUA community (it probably doesn't matter. They probably mostly share the middle area in a Venn diagram))) has done for this world is to bring back the insult "cuck." I don't even care about using it in the historically accurate way! I don't actually care if Riddler fans' spouses have a little extra side of ass on the down low. It's just fun to say! Plus, if you say it to the kind of person who actually thinks "cuck" is a scathing insult, they get super fucking angry when called one! It's Goddamned hilarious.

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Riddler.

Yes, yes. March fixes my whole "The Riddler doesn't have a visible erection" problem from the first scan by implying one with his Riddle Wand here. But the main problem is why did March think The Riddler suddenly needed to look like Bernie Wrightson's Anton Arcane? The Riddler has always just been a skinny creep who was so into getting punched in the face by a muscular man in a bat costume that he planted clues that would ensure it happened. But I guess March has decided that his obsession needed to be mirrored in his physical appearance? Or is it a kind of pervasive attitude that Batman is such a scary and serious fucking cartoon hero that his villainous gallery of rogues has to be just as wickedly serious and horrific? Sometimes it feels like fans still feel as if the Batman television show was some kind of pernicious poison that, to this day, needs continual application of anti-toxin. "Batman isn't silly and his villains shouldn't be either," scream the rabid base of comic book fans that take this shit way too seriously. Hey! Fuck you! I'm angry for valid reasons and not stupid comic book fan reasons! Don't try to use my own words against me!

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Penguin.

See my previous argument for Complaint #2. Although there's a history of making The Penguin as creepy and fucked up as possible because nobody needs the image of Burgess Meredith playing The Penguin to already come to the conclusion that a short dapper fat man with a bird obsession isn't the most intimidating villain, even with the mob attitude and homicidal tendencies.

Complaint #4: Batman and Catwoman's banter.

My main complaint with this conversation is that Batman and Catwoman never once argue about whether they met on a boat or on the street. I thought that was how they always began conversations! Also, they don't call each other "Bat" and "Cat." I'm sure a lot of people are thrilled about this change. But to me, it's a slow reset to getting them back to a relationship that denies the strength of their love and commitment to each other. They're slipping back into professional modes of communication! Next thing you know, we'll find out that Alfred didn't really die! It was Clayface the entire time and Alfred simply let people believe he was dead so he could have a peaceful vacation for once in his long life of servitude to an obsessed man-boy with too much money. Okay, that's enough poking fun at Tom King and the people who hated Tom King. I'm sure I'll get my fill of the Bat/Cat relationship whenever King's Bat Loves Cat comic book comes out. Let me be serious about my complaint in this paragraph (although not the kind of serious where I'm a comic book fan taking shit too seriously! The kind of "serious" where I pretend to be in an apoplectic rage which convinces a number of casual readers into thinking things like "This fucking Lobo fanboy wants to fuck Lobo in the face" and "Why is this nerd so obsessed with Supergirl's butthole? Can't he get a real woman down at the real club where he probably dances like a fucking dreamboat?"). Batman is supposed to be the World's Greatest Detective and yet he engages in stupid retorts like "What makes you think I don't have that device?" You fucking imbecile! What makes her think that was expressly stated by Catwoman when she said you wouldn't have needed to ask her if she was still with the body! Also, even Batman can't have that technology because it would take magic to use that technology and Batman is against magic which is why he keeps Kryptonite on hand to defeat Superman instead of the Ace of Winchesters. Side Complaint #4: Guillem March draws asses in the uncanny valley. He wants you to know they're sexy asses that do more than poop and fart. But he tries too hard to make them sexy and they fall into the uncanny valley of sexy asses. Those are asses where you go, "No, no. I can see that that ass is sexy but I am not in any way going to put my tongue into it." Complaint #5: The villains' plan is so complex that it relies on things that couldn't have been planned for happening. This is a standard complaint of mine and such a comic book trope that I probably should have gotten over being upset by it twenty years ago. I suppose it's why I stopped reading comic books for ten of those twenty years though. A bunch of assassins planned to get caught so that one of them could escape so that Batman would be distracted by that one while the others escaped. Batman falls for it although this time there's a twist to a plan so well planned that it works no matter what the hero does: this plan was stolen! This plan was originally the Penguin's plan and he recognized it when the first part fell into place: five assassins came to Gotham and were caught by Batman. Yeah, see? That was part of this stupid plan! So at least The Penguin is going to interfere with this awesome plan. Although, being that the plan was so well planned, the person who stole the plan probably planned for The Penguin to recognize the plan and to interfere. So The Penguin interfering is probably now part of the overall plan.

Complaint #6: Batman builds a prison that even he can't get out of which means Deathstork gets out of it immediately.

Every time, right? Every time a hero does something that is super duper foolproof to the nth degree of foolproofness, they get fooled! Fool the DC villains once, shame on the DC villains. Fool the DC Villains twice, and, well, you know what? That's never actually happened because they've never actually been fooled once. They only get fooled in the ultimate issue of a story arc when the hero decides maybe they should redouble their efforts and buck up their willpower and believe in themselves slightly more than they did in the previous five issues.

Complaint #7: A Cheshire-sized clay body double was captured by Batman, hauled into custody by police, and locked up without anybody noticing.

Batman uses the word "clay" so I'm assuming we're supposed to believe this is some kind of non-Clayface clayface body double? Some kind of mindless automaton that walks and moves and blinks and breathes and acts exactly like a living person? Sure, it's not presented in that way. But the audience has to assume some level of intelligent trickery went down here or else they're going to read this and think, "Batman was fooled by a squishy, drippy sex doll? This is worse for the Batman mythos than when Kevin Smith had Batman confess to peeing his pants!" Complaint #8: Both Deathstork and Cheshire tell Batman they're "playing a game." Why do they call their terrible and vicious crimes a game? It's bullshit to make everything the villains do some kind of contest pitted against Batman. It inherently makes super hero comics less about trying to make the world a better place and more about how heroes are the cause of all of the trouble because the villains' only ever expressed motive is to best the heroes. It's lazy and ultimately damaging to the entire medium. Yes, I said the entire medium! That's not hyperbole! But that was facetiousness!

Complaint #9: Cheshire wears see-through undies and we never get to see them from the front.

Okay fine. Not all of March's asses are in the uncanny valley. That one is staunchly in the valley of cans. Sweet, sweet cans.

Complaint #10: Batman kills Cheshire.

Sure, sure. Cheshire is still talking after getting creamed by a semi truck so Batman didn't really kill her. But he should have killed her doing this and the only way we accept that she isn't dead after smashing her face into an advancing semi is because we, the reader, know Batman doesn't kill. Maybe Batman lovers would defend this as an accident brought on by Cheshire herself. But then what is Batman's defense in letting her get smashed by a truck instead of saving her from being smashed by a truck in the amount of time it takes him to smugly say, "Brace yourself"? This fits into my belief that Batman has killed dozens of people but they die later at the hospital after which he can pin the deaths on the doctors who failed to save them from the mortal injuries Batman gave them. Side Complaint #10: Cheshire's last words are asking Batman how he survived her poison. I mean, she's obviously dying here and that's all she cares about? I would think she'd be all, "Tell my daughter I love her! ACK!" Batman #87 Rating: C. I think I made my points. My main problem now is that I've declared I'm going to stop buying Batman but I'm not the sort of person who avoids staring at train wrecks.

#Batman #James Tynion IV #Guillem March #DC Comics #DC

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adambstingus · 5 years

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People Share 35 Hilarious Habits Their Pets Have And They’re Too Good

We’ve seen dogs being weird and pets bringing home the weirdest of items, so it’s no surprise that our closest (usually) four-legged friends can be really, really bizarre. Some say that pets can be so close to their owners, that they eventually mimic some behavior and we know anything about humans, we know that our own species can have some pretty strange habits. That’s why it doesn’t surprise anyone that pets can be a little… “out there” with their actions. Well, as long as they’re not hurting anyone, we guess? People of Reddit decided to share some of the weirdest, yet harmless habits their pets have, and, let’s be honest, some are pretty darn weird. Scroll down to check them out and don’t forget to comment, as well as vote for your favorites. Oh, and if you have some weird stories of your own, share them with other pandas! (Facebook cover image: sipa)

I am not allowed to get mad, If I yell, raise my voice, or even sound angry my cat pumpkin will get up from wherever she is and run over. She will then mew gently and grab at my arm with her paws while mewing. She pulls my hands to her head and rubs her head on me trying to get me to calm down. It works though so theres that.

Growing up, we had a chocolate lab named Kody. Kody had a few oddities and idiosyncrasies about him. My parents are beer drinkers, and Kody would learn how to open each and every cooler we ever had so that he could eat all of the ice. That dog LOVED ice, he would eat it until he had what we called “brain freezers” or these mini little seizures (he was fine, but it was a weird habit). Another time, Kody was out pooping in the yard and we saw a bunch of cloth coming out of his butt. Turns out, it was an ace bandage that had to be surgically removed. Upon opening his stomach they found a silver dollar, a few bobby pins, the ace bandage and a billiards cue ball. Now, here’s the kicker- we didn’t own a pool table, and our closest neighbor was 5 miles away, who also did not own a pool table. We never did find out where he got that cue ball from. He lived to be 15 years old and passed away peacefully two years ago. Miss you, buddy.

My dog has ‘takeaway’ every time she eats. She won’t stand at her bowl. She stuffs her mouth full of dry food and then sits near me wherever I am, spits out all her food and eats it one bit at a time. When she is finished it she repeats it all.

My pet rat, Doctor, likes to poop when she is hanging from the bars of her cage and making eye contact with me or my fiancee.

She knows it makes us uncomfortable. She don’t care.

My cat likes to shower with me. He will sit and drink the water as it runs until i use shower gel, then he will sit on the edge silently judging me for contaminating our lord water.

I have a giant Maine-coon Siamese mix tomcat. His thing is to bring up laundry from the basement during the night. The weird thing is that he’s pretty good at taking clothes into the right rooms. I don’t know if he does it by smell or what – but it’s pretty normal for me to wake up to a pile of my socks, my daughters some of theirs, etc. He also chirps and meows the entire time he’s making his deliveries – which is pretty funny in and of itself.

My dog can’t go anywhere without his toy. My girlfriend calls it his “girlfriend”. If we go outside he will bring the little stuffed animal with him and drop it somewhere. If we tell him to “go find your girlfriend” he will search frantically for it until it’s found.

#10

My boyfriends cat loves to snuggle up on people’s chests and then slooowly and veeery gently place her paw (with claws out and toes spread) and just .. place it on their mouth.

Does anyone know what the heck she’s trying to get out of this?

#11

My dog can sense when I’m about to fart and will stick his nose near my ass crack to smell it and then run away in disgust after. I have no idea why he continues to do it when it clearly annoys him

#12

#13

My lardass cat has this weird cake infatuation. (Ha ha I know). Not to eat. She likes to lay on them. I can’t count how many cooling cakes I had to throw out because she decided to take a nap on them. I have to hide them somewhere to cool and frost. I also had to buy a solid cake saver because she would lay on my old one and crush the lid into the cake.

My favorite was when my son turned one, we had the unwrapped cake sitting on the counter waiting for cake time, and she tried to lay in it. When I came in to get it all the frosting is pulled off in the center and one pissed off frosting covered cat under my bed.

Yet she still does it.

#14

We have a Great Dane/greyhound mix named Keelah who, on occasion, absolutely must sniff my boyfriend’s belly button. I’ve never seen a dog get so derpy about it before. She’ll jump up and put her paws on his shoulder and stick her nose in his stomach until he gives in and pulls his shirt up so she can sniff. She’s really, really weird.

#15

Our cat pulls my dresser drawer open and sleeps in the socks after he arranges them into a cozy “cat bed” for himself.

#16

Our golden retriever has 3 comfort blankets that he folds and carries around with him.

#17

My SO’s dog, Lola, farts when we enter the car.

Everytime.

#18

My best friend’s kitten (to whom I am a kitten aunt by proxy) has a new habit of running down the stairs at top speed and launching himself onto the sofa.

She swears he’s either going to kill her with a heart attack or he’s going to f**king miss the sofa and go claws-first into her face, and she’s not sure which.

#19

My dog smiles whenever he wants something. He started showing his teeth when he got excited to see us after long periods of times (i.e. vacations) and we would say “What a pretty smile!” He made the connection to the word and now will do it on command and pretty much whenever he wants our food. Kind of like a “hey look I’m smiling, I’m pretty!” Some people probably think it’s bad that he does it because he’s technically showing his teeth, but you can tell it’s not aggressive or in a bad way. I think it’s hilarious.

#20

My cat loves to watch the toilet flush for some reason – he would even come running from other rooms in his house at the sound of a flush when he was younger. I guess it’s mostly harmless, but I have found toys in the toilet before the lid down rule was put in place (my assumption is so that he can watch them zoom around too).

#21

You know how cats, especially kittens will “nurse” on things? Like knead their paws and suck on something like a blanket?

Yeah, my 10 year old dog does that.

#22

My cat chews through bags to eat bread. Doesn’t matter the container or the type of bread. And because he drools he can dissolve any kind of paper bag in a minute. It’s bizarre but he was a stray so I figure he used to do that to survive.

#23

My cat licks walls. often for 10 minute intervals. i wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of his sandpaper tongue scritch-scratching at the wall.

#24

My cat used to sit on my couch, like a person would with her 2 back legs outstretched in front of her, and then proceed to bend down and suck on her own nipples while purring very loudly. It was weird.

#25

My parrot is obsessed with ears. He will happily spend 15-20 minutes delicately nibbling on the rim of my ear, carefully scraping his beak around the inside, and licking all over. Last time I saw my doctor for a physical and she got to the otoscope part of the exam, she exclaimed, “Wow, your ears are remarkably clean!” Gee, I wonder why…

#26

My chihuahua sneaks to her water dish. We have no idea why. She does this almost every day at varied times. If her water is dirty or if the dish is empty she will keep sneaking until the situation is fixed.

#27

#28

We don’t have pets in the main country the Netherlands where we reside but we got a ton of them in my fathers country Russia. We own a big piece of ground and a forest, with 23 white Russian wolves and 3 Caucasian owcharkas. The wolves have some weird habits and one of them is that they greet each other and their pups by friendly biting them in their neck, it still that scares the shit out of guests and relatives that we usually have over.

#29

After I take a shower, my collie mix insists on rolling in my towels.

When I have the towel on my head and I’m laying down.. He tries to roll in it.

If I’m sitting with the towel on my head, he tries to roll in it.

Then when I inevitability throw them on the floor he has a field day.

#30

My cat would be happy with his eyes closed purring and layed down my side and then suddenly look in the direction of the corner of the room with his eyes completely open. When I look there’s nothing there. It’s scary

#31

My German shepherd is a hoarder. He has a hiding spot behind a chair and underneath a table, and he’s been building a stash that we have to go in every week or so and clean out. Usually it’s just wrappers and random s**t he “sneaks” out of our trash cans. This last weeks clean out consisted of 3 of my oven mitts and a pudding cup. He doesn’t chew on anything, he just likes to have stuff.

#32

She stares at me while I sleep. From 3″ away. When I open my eyes all I see are these huge solid black eyes in a weirdly diagonal white face.

I wake up convinced that I have been abducted by aliens.

#33

One of our cats will climb up onto the back of our couch while we’re watching a movie or something and loudly clean his butthole.

#34

My dog does this little boner dance whenever he has a boner. He slides across the floor and humps the air rapidly until his doggy-boner goes down.

#35

My cat swats/punches his water dish a few times before drinking it. It splashes everywhere. No clue why.

Just thought of something else! He is long haired floofy cat (peach/blondie), and we have a fuzzy blanket similarly coloured. My cat often licks it to clean it, mistaking it for himself.

My cat talks to herself if she thinks no one is around. I’ll come home or go to a side of the house that I haven’t been in all day and hear her meowing and chirping and howling. Once she realizes I’m there, she’ll stop. I’ve been able to sneak up on her a couple of times and it’s pretty bizarre to watch. She’ll just be walking around the room making sounds. She doesn’t do it that often. I wish I could catch it on video

#37

Step 1: Drop the tennis ball into my hand so I can throw it across the room for him to fetch

Step 2: Retrieve the tennis ball and start gnawing on it with his head halfway under the couch

Step 3: Drop the ball and have it roll to an unreachable distance under the couch

Step 4: Stare at me and moan loudly until I am convinced to walk over to the couch the ball is under and lay on the floor, struggling to reach far enough. Eventually I just lift the couch so he can get far enough underneath it to grab the ball back

Repeat incessantly

#38

My cat “nurses” on a blanket we have. But only if the blanket is on me. It’s like the little f**ker actually thinks I am his mother. He’s strange. He also likes to play fetch and attack people who come over to visit. Weirdo.

#39

My cat will sit in the bathtub for hours and meow at passersby to turn the water on for him. Then when someone finally gives in, he will splash around for about a minute and then go drag his big wet furry feet over someone/my pillow.

Every morning he will excitedly hang over the edge of the bathtub, waiting for me to turn on the shower. Once I do, it takes him about two seconds to realise what’s going on, and then he panics and scrambles as fast as he can out of the tub.

Weirdo.

#40

My cat nurses on his own tail. He will creepily come up and lay really close to you, curl in a ball, and start sucking away at the end of his tail. Sometimes he’ll even look you in the eye while he does it.

I know it’s a comfort thing to him, I found him alone when he was just a baby, but it’s a pretty weird thing to do.

#41

My cat Miles will run to the other side of the house and meow to his brother Murphy. You can tell it’s a “Hey!! Come check this out!” and he’ll keep doing it until Murphy finally gets up and goes to look. Sometimes though, Murphy says eff that and stays where he is, leaving Miles to meow at nothing for like an hour. Finally he’ll show up and look at Murphy like, “Didn’t you hear me!!?” No but we did!

#42

My male cat likes to stand in the corner, face the wall, and sing the song of his people. My female kitten likes to meow at me and then hide when I walk over to pet her. She’s a jerk.

#43

My friend has a really bizarre cat, she loves to be spanked. She will lie down with her butt in the air for people to pat her right above the tail. The harder the better.

She also loves to be spun around on an office chair, she jumps up on the back of it and holds on with her claws to be spun around. Spinning + smacking her butt every time she passes = kitty bliss.

My rat loved snot and would grab all my used tissues to lick inside them.

#44

My pit asks for permission every night before getting in bed with us. We have never told him to stay off of furniture, but he always asks. He does that weird howl/growl/bark thing that “talking” dogs do.

#45

My cat, O’Malley, will always smell a new person’s shoes when I bring people over. When he is finished, he looks over at me and makes a stupid face.

#46

Not sure if this counts but my snake falls off of everything. Put him around your neck he falls off. He falls while trying to climb up or down my chair, desk, and always plops off my bed if I am not watching him. He will even get excited smelling something so he will point his head straight up and extend his body up until he falls backwards belly up. Will also do this while swallowing his food.

#47

One of my three cats is a monster. He is kinda fat but stocky/muscular too. He is 6 and weighs about 20 pounds.

Anyways, he will lick plastic bags. We are always afraid he will suffocate himself because he will stick his head down inside the bag and lick for as long as we’ll let him.

He also steals paper clips. My mom was working on her doctorate and she had mountains of papers and a lot of paperclips on them. The crazy cat would dig through all of the papers and pull off the paper clips with his teeth. And he hid them all under the rug that was under the couch so we couldn’t see them.

And he plays very rough. We found out the hard way that he enjoys being spanked. We caught him fighting another cat and gave him a tap on the behind to get him to stop, and he fell on the floor and started purring. And when I scratch his chin, he isn’t happy until I scratch as hard as I physically can, to the point where I think I’m gonna dig up all of his fur.

#48

She won’t eat unless both my husband and I are seated in the family room watching TV. It’s pretty inconvenient on busy days.

#49

My dog (a husky) will make a gap in his food with his snout, then will yowl at the nearest human like he’s hungry and there’s no food in the bowl, until you pick his bowl up, shake the gap out and put it back down again. He will eat it then!

#50

My cat licks people…all the time and all over. It’s odd when you wake up in the middle of the night being licked and realize it’s not the dog doing it.

#51

My Australian Shepherd likes to sneeze in the clean laundry as it comes out of the dryer. It has turned into a two person job to get laundry done without dog sneezes on it. One to distract the dog and the other to hustle the laundry into the basket and to safety.

#52

Anytime we Hoover a carpet my Jack Russell has to ‘swim’ all over it, because God forbid it not have his fur on it

Also, he regularly sneakily drinks our cups of tea.

#53

My male dog licks my female dogs cooch after she pees, then his lips and jaw quiver as he drools. Freakin weirdo.

#54

My cat is afraid of the dishwasher, I guess. Not the sound of the dishwasher running, the sound of me taking s**t out of it and putting it away. He is mostly silent, maybe a welcome meep when I get home. But the dishwasher…man. Mayhem. It’s been seven years and he still freaks the f**k out every single time.

#55

My English bulldog Shelby will sit with her back to me and try and look at me upside down by leaning back until she falls down. She does the same thing in the car. I thought it might be vertigo but she just really seems to enjoy it.

#56

When I’m away from my husky for more than about eight hours she will likely howl at me and make a big deal, like she’s cussing me out.

#57

Run run run, locks up front legs slide slide slide, roll roll roll. How does she not break her neck?

#58

My pancho gets super worked up and then immediately thinks he needs to drink water. This usually results in him coughing up any water he just drank and freaking out about coughing.

My sisters mastiff likes to sit down next to your leg and lean on your leg and stare at you but he’s so heavy he often pushes people over with his lean.

#59

One of my cats likes to get in the lower branches of bushes (and the Christmas tree, as it turns out) and just chill. Just sit there in the branches, eight inches off the ground.

#60

My cat likes hair ties. He swallowed one once and he proceeded to prance around the living room with the rubber piece hanging out of his asshole. I now have to hide them all so I’m not paying for surgery on his dumb ass.

My dogs also go around licking each other’s assholes and the cats assholes. They also won’t sleep unless they are buried under a blanket.

My female cat rubs her head on EVERYTHING and has a weird fascination with doing this on shoes.

#61

My cat Wookie has an intense love of the bathroom. He will lay on the edge of the bathtub while I take a bath, will sit on the bathmat and watch us shower, and loves the toilet. He loves to watch it flush, likes to watch my husband pee (has gotten pee on his head from trying to watch from the wrong angle) and likes to try to pull toilet paper up out of the toilet while it is flushing, which is pretty gross. Weird cat.

#62

Not mine but my SO’s dog, Bacon… Cannot poop unless he is backed up against something.

When we first started dating I used to get to his apartment before he got off work so I would take the dog for a walk. Like any male Bacon must pee on everything to ensure its his. Which meant sometimes I didn’t realize that he wasn’t sniffing the same place to pee but to find the prefect article in which to place his butt against and would tug him along and ruin the whole process… Which meant about five minutes of the behavior or him deciding to hold it.

#63

My dog likes to eat beaded jewelry. I shouldn’t say eat, he sucks on it until it comes apart, and then he abandons it and acts innocent.

#64

My dog take his blankey or his bed and will suck on it with his eyes closed. We assume he thinks he’s nursing. He also occasionally humps his bed before sucking on it. Harmless but weird as s**t.

#65

My GF’s cat poops in the litterbox, then immediately tries to cover it by making digging motions on the floor/wall next to the litterbox. Never inside. Not sure if dumb or just a c**t.

#66

My Doberman likes to climb up in bed with my SO and I, and just stare at us while standing over one of us.

#67

#68

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/people-share-35-hilarious-habits-their-pets-have-and-theyre-too-good/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183958094802

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