What a great second day at dance, very different from last time
Also if Sascha is in this scene, doesn’t it mean something? Ismail feels free and is expressing himself and Sascha is there
Not pushing the romance card but instead wanting to acknowledge how knowing someone well and feeling safe around them is a freeing experience which I see for Ismail around Sascha and the girls
He’s different than with Constantin or the instas as a group
Even with Lou as they seem to still be figuring out what their interactions are like and what they mean
I like seeing him like this 😊
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I think I really might have a learning disorder and I'm fucking crying because knowing it actually makes me feel so relieved?
See, I learned how to speak really early; by the time I was 3, I could speak as eloquently than my 8yo sister, and with a richer vocabulary. I also remember being, in first and second grade, the only kid in my class who could read perfectly, without getting stuck or getting lost. And I was the best at writing. I was also the best at English.
However, I still felt dumb. I've always felt dumb.
See, while I was good at all that, I have always struggled with Math. I took longer to learn how to count. How to, for example, associate the word “two” with “2”. And to this day, I still have to double check sometimes when I read numbers because I might say 13 instead of 31. While my classmates easily learnt how to add and substract numbers in class, my mother had to sit with me every single evening to help me and buy me like a thousand booklets until I finally learnt, and I still struggled a lot. And multiplying-- I probably copied the tables a billion times and I still don't know them.
I still passed most of my tests until sixth grade because I studied really hard, all the time, but it was hell. I saw how some of my classmates struggled a bit, too, but not the way I did: I remember literally wanting to cry every time I was called to the chalkboard and the teacher asked me to divide. I couldn't. I just couldn't. My father sat with me every evening and explained it to me, over and over again, all the time, for two years, and I still couldn't do it. By the time I had done a correct division, my classmates could have done maybe seven or eight. And things got even worse with fractions. Algebra came a bit easier to me at first, being able to do simple equations, but as soon as I finished sixth grade and entered secondary school, I just couldn't. My grades dropped, and it's not like had very good ones. I failed every test with an embarrassing grade, many times I didn't even get the basics right. So I gave up and basically started ignoring Math. That probably costed me two years that I had to repeat, and that took a toll on my mental health, but I swear that my mental health would have gone worse had I kept crying and worrying the way I did before. To my teachers I was lazy and to my parents, I was just bad at Math and that's it. And then again, I dropped the subject as soon as I was allowed to, so no more Math class anymore.
But I still feel stupid. I felt embarrassed to admit to anyone how much I struggle. Many times, I can't tell which way is right or left, and I have to remember that I'm right handed so I can go on. I confuse adresses and get lost all the time because I confuse the number of the houses. I can't even remember my own phone number because, again, I confuse the numbers. I'm bad at calculating distances since like, forever. Doing basic math in my head takes me longer than it should, and sometimes I even have to use the fucking calculator to do stuff like 23+16 because my brain just freezes. I can't even count coins or money bills like a normal person and I have to do recount several times to make sure I wasn't wrong. I get lost while counting a lot of times. Fucking hell, I tell myself, I'm nineteen years old and I get fucking lost while counting.
I was dumb. I didn't know what the fuck was wrong with my head, why I was so stupid at Math. Until very recently, I watched a show: Druck, the German remake of Skam. I found Fatou, the protagonist of the sixth season, incredibly relatable. Not only because, like me, she's a lesbian that's bad at flirting, but also because... She got lost at counting all the time, and had problems counting bills. She got lost easily and confused numbers as well. She couldn't do basic math easily because her brain froze. And she also felt stupid for it. Until she found out that she had a learning disorder.
I read Percy Jackson when I was younger, so I knew what ADHD and dyslexia was since I was a kid. But I had never seen, in any movie, show or book, a person that struggled the exact same way I did. I didn't know it was a thing. But thankfully Druck put a name to it. Fatou did the test, and she found out she had dyscalculia. I'm going to do the test as well whenever I can. I had never heard that term before but I swear, when I looked it up, it felt like Heaven to find out that what happens to me is actually a thing, and it's not that I'm just dumb. So yeah. Representation matters.
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