#feel like im forcing it or that im faking it but the diagnosis is based on my childhood and i have no memories no memories not anything

[sunspira]

Im laying my bets now. the entire idea that autism (and adhd) is more common in men and boys is pure myth created by poor science, backwards statistics and faulty parameters of the condition itself. in another 50 years we will understand it was never a gendered condition. just a highly gendered and biased measurement system. i'm absurdly confident on that

the rates of autism in girls is "rising" exponentially. it is rising even more exponentially in girls than in boys. not because girls are becoming more autistic. but because the "science" is just getting better at measuring and accurately acknowledging autism in girls.

autism often does present differently in girls, due to how girls are raised or personality differences. the literature and criteria was based on boy sample groups. the entire research data was done on white men as if that is a standard default person and control group.

not only that, doctors and teachers and parents literally were not looking for it in girls under the false widely propagated belief it was rare in women in girls. it is a self fulfilling prophecy. that's not science.

we will soon have to reckon with the lost generations of autistic girls and women and children assigned female at birth* who never got diagnosis and early intervention. we should be forcing the world to reckon with it right now. a great deal of autistic millennial women are brilliant minds who dropped out of STEM and the workforce due to their untreated and misidentified disability overtaking their life. the impact of never Knowing you or your child is autistic or adhd is difficult to comprehend for autistic and adhd people who did get diagnosed as children. even when the awareness and interventions were unhelpful or harmful. the harm of not knowing means the child trying even harder to become neurotypical and a level of autistic burnout few others on the spectrum can comprehend, often taking place after the woman is a legal adult, and there are no legal protections in place for this disabled person.

the unmitigated stress of being developmentally delayed and never knowing it, simply hating and blaming yourself and fighting day in and out past your limits to become neurotypical, limits your don't know you should have because you have never been so much as briefed on what adhd or autism can feel like. you don't know the distres and tiredness you're feeling is "dysregulation". this is why we see women in nervous breakdowns. psychiatric wards. treatment resistant depression. electric shock therapy. hard drug addiction. cutting. homelessness. personality disorders. dissociation. psychosis. early death by accident or suicide. (obviously people who are not autistic or adhd have these illnesses but my point is untold and disproportionate numbers of them are undiagnosed neurodivergent with unprocessed trauma. i'm telling you. more than you think).

it's why we see young people on tiktok not faking DID per say, but describing a dissociated experiences and fractured sense of self and escapist alternate personalities, a mental illness that has much less in common with traditional DID, but has much in common with struggling and under-treated autistic people. DID is a very rare condition. autism is very common. autism can create out of body experiences and self protective blurring of reality and fantasy so extreme, no person can be expected to understand it is autism if they never been advised about their own disability and the knowledge that should he available to them. it's no wonder we have people with mislabeled rare disorders like DID who are clearly very sick but instead of showing real DID signs, are sick with all the signs of severe unassisted autism they have been completely barred from understanding or coping with in any other way. for those lucky enough, we see unemployed young women with severe chronic pain in their 20s and 30s who look and feel like they're elderly and gave up their dreams when they hit 21 or 25 and their brains stopped working and their bodies shut down. now they mostly scroll tumblr and tiktok and try to remember to open the blinds. they have a roof but people scorn them for entitled laziness and worst of all derided for "self diagnosing".

again i'm asking why CFS chronic fatigue syndrome is so responsive to adderall. i'm asking why professionals are reluctant to test women for adhd if she does well in school because she is very bookish and why experts in the field are openly amused and doubtful to test a woman for autism if she has a long term boyfriend. why is ability to mask or function a disqualification. why is inability to function in women, who later turn out to be autistic or adhd, so aggressively mischaracterized as BPD, bipolar, depression, OCD, schizophrenia. why is autism and adhd clinically diagnosed and defined by distress and dysfunction and not by intrinsic traits and qualities that present while still functional for preventative care. why are all people, men and women forced to wait until their lives and minds are deteriorating and they have experienced some irreversible disasters and pain before they can be diagnosed. why must girls and boys wait until their daily life as children have become unbearable hell for them before their disability can be treated and acknowledged. and if these policies are changing now, why are doctors and psychiatrists not eagerly and urgently reaching out to find the vulnerable adults they missed during more archaic screening methods. we aren't rising in adhd diagnosis because of tiktok you assholes. adult onset adhd and autism don't exist. those people were always adhd. adult onset skill regression and increase in severity due to stress DOES happen in adulthood. modern day stresses like loss of structure during the pandemic and social media is advancing to become more attention span draining. everyone is feeling the effects but these are causing adhd and autistic people to cope less and mask less effectively so they are running into significant problems, their loved ones are noticing, they are getting referrals and suddenly forced to google their rapidly worsening mental issues for the first time and seeing they line up with a known neurological condition . this is obvious. doctors blaming it on some sort of trend are being willfully clueless

*because autism especially is screened identified diagnosed and first intervened ages 2-5, before a child has an internal concept of self or gender and above all before they can express their gender, diagnostic practices and criteria are based on how adults perceive a child via birth assignments. and the studies are overwhelmingly beholden to data only on children assigned male at birth, rarely accounting for their actual future gender either. as part of the warped science insisting that autism is as if somehow linked to the y chromosome and not a universally likely human quality, you see amab kids laser focused on as candidates and afab kids fucked over most of all. all children assigned female have the worst chances of their developmental disability being identified and acknowledged in a timely manner and disproportionately experience late diagnosis in later adolescence or adulthood. tho i wouldn't be surprised if trans womens rates of accurate diagnosis is lower than cis men. as trans girls may present autism differently and characteristic of girls autism, even while still in the closet or before she knows she is trans. regardless adults are very vigilant for signs of autism, even atypical ones, in any child they perceive as a boy. so any millennial or gen z child identified female at birth had significantly worse chance at receiving autistic support compared to peers

in particular women assigned male at birth might have a better chance at being identified for types of autism that are often labeled "high functioning", involves high masking, and often receives few services. these more invisible types of autism often need to be diagnosed before age 5 in order to qualify under the criteria at all. and so in the days where autism was believed to be 20x more common in the genetics of xy children, any chance of being considered and diagnosed would come down to almost purely birth assignment dependent. with the less outwardly visible types of autism, a person who misses this window will remain autistic all their life but once they learn a certain level of skills and masking, no matter how late they learn these, the person will no longer qualify for diagnosis, either not until they have a nervous breakdown or possibly not ever qualify. it's this type of more hidden autism we see struggling across the board as undiagnosed adults including both trans and cis women especially, tho we are seeing it disproportionately even more so in undiagnosed afabs of any gender. who are dropping out of schooling and work and succumbing to severe mental illnesses during what should be the prime of their lives. overall tho birth assignment is not everything this is an issue that disproportionately impacts cis women. trans women. trans men. non-binary people. likely doubling for those that are afab. and then tripling and quadrupling for children who are not white.

bit of an understatement in that last part there. gender likely isn't even the biggest barrier to proper diagnosis and treatment. probably race is even more so. but since gender is such a big disparity in itself across race and one i relate to and can speak on from experience ive focused on it here. a more in-depth look is needed on the neglect of adhd and autistic children of color especially black native and latino kids. but for now do keep in mind the points i'm making increase exponentially for kids who aren't white across all genders including cis boys

#this is dramatic and long but it's a dramatic situation that is completely slept on in the public eye #it's not just about me this is about people who had it so much worse. tho my insider experience obviously brought it to my attention #i'm pretty sure i'm not autistic im adhd but the reality of adhd is a lot more like autism than we are acknowledging #a topic for another day #autism in women #adhd in women #atypical autism #adhd inattentive #undiagnosed autistic #undiagnosed neurodivergent #undiagnosed autism #undiagnosed adhd

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hi i was wondering if stuff like anxiety could affect your personality. i believe i have social anxiety, which makes it hard for me to socialise and maintain friendships. i also tend to distance myself from friends sometimes because i feel like i no longer relate to them.

i know i use Se a lot but it's hard for me to tell if im a dom or aux user. i have been typed as isfp a lot but i often do amoral, "easy way out" things and my guilt only triggers if i sense i have upset someone, it makes me fearful if i have upset them.

when meeting people, i feel as if i become disingenuous to make them like me, like the nicer they are to me, the nicer i want to seem to them. and i feel bad if i am not able to do it. when ppl like the 'fake' me i pull away. sometimes i distrust myself and dont know what to think, which makes me indecisive, because my past decisions have not worked out well for me even though i believed in them.

i can plan my time and i hate wasting time and not being effective. but the thing is, even if i have anxiety, im not insecure abt myself, i know i have good stuff in me. i tried to break out of my anxiety by getting a job outside, but i became more anxious and it made me tired and prone to depressive feelings at night.

my mum believes im selfish because i find it difficult to care alot abt others, like i empathise with their struggles but i cant see myself doing anything that might help them in the long run. similarly, my teachers find me irresponsible because i do what i like, and it's hard for me to put extra effort into things i think are pointless, like math, though i do what is required of me, i just dont go for consults, etc, because im not "concerned".

i had a similar experience in sports, where i knew i couldnt do that, but my teacher forced me and i refused and he told me i had an attitude problem, which made me very upset. i wonder if it's just me taking the easy way out.

--------------------

The problem is that you're trying to address too many things at once.

1) Type assessment: As far as I can tell, you have not used any reliable method of assessment. If you want my help with it, you must follow the instructions on the contact page. If you don't, I can't draw any conclusions about what type you are. I don't like to guess at things.

2) The F functions are not equivalent to morality. F functions make decisions based on values, that's it. Whether or not you are a "moral" person is not dependent on type but, rather, your psychological maturity. It sounds like your understanding of morality and how it operates in relationships is rather immature. That doesn't tell me anything about your type, but it does indicate a low level of ego development, as explained in the Type Dev Guide.

3) Social anxiety: If you suffer social anxiety to the point that it holds you back from living life in the manner that you hope to, then it is considered a serious problem and requires professional help. You should get a professional diagnosis and, if necessary, obtain treatment. The process will allow you to learn more about yourself, which, in turn, will help you assess your type.

4) Unproven connections: Social anxiety doesn't change your type, but it can inhibit type development and it can be a symptomatic expression of long term function development problems. So far, you have neither proven that you are ISFP nor have you connected your social anxiety to the ISFP functional stack in any logical way that I can see, thus, I would treat the two as separate until the connection is proven. It sounds to me like you have several misconceptions about the functions (i.e. too stereotypical) and, for whatever reason, you don't want to accept counter-evidence against Fi.

#typing #social anxiety #ask

[intercity80x]

masking is so fucking tiring to do all the time especially if you aren’t good with certain cues or what is socially acceptable. like when your parents are telling jokes and you are laughing and then they tell a joke without announcing it isn’t funny so you laugh because you think you have to.

but at the same time i am also compulsed to do so and i think that if I don’t do it perfectly or like. Ask for extra direction I sound like an idiot or I’m purposely ‘acting more autistic’ when in reality i am asking questions so i am not making stabs in the dark when it comes to a task. i have my diagnosis now and i should be able to do so without judging myself because i have a reason as to why I cannot fucking infer what my parents want me to do.

there is a huge pressure put on ‘high functioning’ autistic ppl to act a certain way (basically spicy neurotypical. you may stim once.) and otherwise NT people will force you in to a little box based on what they know about the disorder. like im sorry you didn’t do your research and you don’t know that stimming is something I am CHOOSING TO DO in order to calm down and im not faking it to seem quirky or more autistic. or that yes i am Genuinely Overstimulated and that doesn’t mean ‘spent too much time on my phone’ or ‘didn’t go outside’ that means ‘my parents have been arguing and the TV is blaring and my sister is yapping and the cat is sad and hiding and I don’t know what to do with all this stress so I will just act like a turtle in the corner.’ or that yes I am hitting my head because I am angry and I don’t know what to do with it and I KNOW that I am hitting my head and I know it is dangerous but I cannot stop because THIS is how I have learnt to cope.

like i shouldn’t have to feel anxious about just being. ive become hyper aware of the way I’m acting and masking fucking constantly and it is exhausting because I have been explicitly told not to ‘use my diagnosis in the house.’ what does that mean? i don’t know and i am too scared of being perceived as ‘other’ (which feels BLARINGLY apparent to me) to ask especially because i don’t want to be told that I am faking it . i like vocal stimming I love just saying ‘babababababababa’ whenever i feel like it it is nice I like how it feels and the noise but I can only do it when I’m outside because I don’t want to give the impression to my NT parents that I am ‘acting more autistic than I actually am’

nt ppl can touch this post but if you clown I’ll hurt you

#vent post!! #baby.html #actuallyautistic #arthur airs grievances

[moss-sprouted]

im so scared of my mental health ruining everything

im trying so hard to treat myself at home, i cant hear to make a phone call and my anxieties so bad that i cant zoom since i never have before, and ive never made appointments at all no ones ever taught me how,so i cant just go to therapy and i dont have a doctor and there isnt one within 50 miles that will take my insurance and id have to go an hour away to even Go to the doctor and i rely on my cousin to drive me places and even leaving the house for a few hours i get screamed at for it, or my grandma finds some excuse to make things about her and guilt trip me about leaving the house

yet she's a huge trigger in my meltdowns and episodes, because she'll scream at me and not leave me alone when i need to find a way to calm down, and im not even able to close my door in my own room without questions and my privacy being invaded

maybe those are all excuses, but im really stuck

i keep having horrible episodes and intense bpd symptoms, i dont have easy access to a diagnosis or therapy or medication and im so stuck in being dependent on other people and making my own decisions without help makes me extremely anxious and i put it off, and thats my fault but im

stuck and im trying so hard to treat myself at home and ive only really started trying to really redirect my behavior and it has been helping but home is a major trigger and ive been really depressed and theres been too many changes in my life lately and i just have so much trauma

this is getting really hard to handle and i feel so guilty and awful for having breakdowns and horrible episodes of screaming that i physically cant stop unless i bite my hand, and even if i walk away my family antagonizes me and continues on and on until im able to calm down and actually leave the situation

and then when its not irl its online and i ruin whole relationships and friendships and Servers based on my meltdowns or my shut downs or me pulling away because i have So much rsd its almost dehabiliting sometimes

im trying so hard to fix myself and i lean to hard on other people because my whole life people have made decisions for me and ive become so dependent and the focus has always been on other people that my hearing issues are Still being ignored and im being told theyre fake and my hearing is "selective" when my ears are in Pain sometimes, but i cant make a doctors appointment and i Have asked for my grandmas help and my cousins and they refuse to help me

so im stuck, and im so lost and ive wanted to give up so many times

i cant because i have people who want me around

and i dont even need advice i just need to vent and get out of my head before my brain starts to take over again

i feel so disconnected from myself

if i leave ill lose a rocky stability which ive only ever known and if i stay im losing myself but i have such a hard time doing things or changing until im forced to or its gotten to a breaking point Or theres an opportunitity to do something or change

its so isolating and frustrating to be stuck in this

i just wish i was different, i wish my brain wasnt like this

i wish i wasnt so fucking broken and irreparable

im not even a broken cup that you treasure and want to put back together with gold im a chipped dollar store mug whos handle fell off so you threw it away

at least thats what it feels like

#dont rb #im just venting ill be okay after #i just Feel these things #these arent meant to be like #huge statements #just venting

[ocular-intercourse]

ugh, family update

made a thread on twitter and thought i might as well post something here, cause it does help me get stuff out of my head and heart when i write it down like that

so remember how my family wanted to have a meet-up so we could all talk about me being trans or rather transitioning in the future, that was today

and i had talks about the topic with most of them before, my younger older brother being the most supportive and understanding, my oldest brother generally not caring what i do as long as i am happy, but doubting if i’m not just looking for attention, and my parents just being worried i could regret things (mind you they probably have more problems with it, but thats the one they voiced) the general consensus being that they want me to be happy and if that’s something i have to do, i should do it. so far so good, could be much worse. it’s just..

i mean.. it’s already being hinted at in the reaction of my parents and my older brother, that they wonder if i’m really trans, or if i really need to transition, or if i’m not just making myself believe that for whatever reason, their theories reaching from ‘out of spite’ to just ‘a crapshoot at trying to find happiness’

but the whole thing just unearthed how they, mostly my oldest brother, my mother and my sister, do not believe i’m actually autistic (you know, because they know better than professionals or myself) and if i fake that, or falsely believe in that, then the same applies to me being trans too i guess

and my reaction to someone saying they don’t believe in my diagnosis is generally ‘then you don’t know what autism even is’ and thats the whole point. my oldest brother even agreed to that, but somehow still is sure i’m not autistic?? how does that even work? i got mad at that, and my sisters reaction was ‘see, you’re mad, you can’t be autistic’ which is absolute definite proof that she never even bothered to learn what aspergers even is. and they must know that?? that they never informed themselves, but somehow they also magically know that i can’t be autistic?? and i just really don’t know how they justify that conclusion in their minds? what are they basing it on? cause it’s certainly not medical or scientific fact. for whatever reason they just don’t WANT me to be autistic, they prefer to believe that i’m either delusional, lying to myself or to them, or that i’m just faking to avoid doing certain things, and that i just have to get over it or try harder, and i just don’t know where the benefit is in believing that?? why are they trying so hard to deny me this diagnosis? really what is the point? that i might realize they are right and magically all my symptoms will disappear? they are just hellbend on denying me the help that i need, the sense of reassurence the diagnosis gives you, knowing that you are not broken, that there is a reason for all the things that are so hard for you, for the chance that what? that i just force myself and start torturing myself till i’m maybe finally suddenly healed and it turns out it was all just imaginary or had other sources?

there where all this fun little nuggets in that discussion, from my brother finding it weird that i’m so informed about autism (which is supposed to mean i informed myself and am now using that to fake it, i guess?) to my dad saying me finding out i was autistic was a relief to me but it obviously didn’t make me happy in the long run (??? so now i’m clearly looking for a new strategy, transitioning, in hopes that maybe it will stick this time - even though i am not even unhappy but they don’t get that either), to the general ‘oh i have problems with that too, that’s normal’ that is completely missing the point of any chronic condition, and my mother’s ‘but i’ve seen you positively or even confidently interact with other humans before’ that’s just an other version of her ‘but you bought jewellery last month so i thought you were over that whole trans thing’.

i don’t know what the whole point was, for my brother to make that connection, from the talk about being trans to him saying he didn’t believe in my autism diagnosis which started this whole discussion. but somewhere along the line he said that this topic - of them not taking me seriously - obviously made me mad, and that that could be my motivation to want to transition, to show them how much i really mean it, instead of actually wanting to, that i’m in danger of just wanting to prove a point and just not being aware of it. 

and i hate this so much, this idea that i’m just not aware of the “real truth”, that i have no control or awareness of what i am doing or experiencing, that i am deceiving myself, willingly or subconsciously. and surely such things might happen, that someone is not aware of their true motivations and regrets doing something when they ‘come to their senses’ or whatever. but at this point they are assuming that is the case with everything i do. they are completely denying that i have any competence or self-awareness, and im not exactly sure why. to me it just sounds like they think i’m weak and lazy, trying to find ways to avoid things, that i just want attention, or maybe that i’m just too dumb to make the right decisions, or i just think it’s cool to pick weird things to identify with. and the whole time, when i tell them they don’t take me or my experiences seriously, they deny that that is their intention. where is the self-reflection there? what else are you doing please tell me. even if you are doing this under the umbrella of ‘just worrying about me’, the message remains: you have no idea what you are doing, but we do, your experiences are wrong, and you choose to see them this way to cover up what the real problem is, and then to avoid dealing with it like a functional human would, cause that would be work. (as if i’m somehow currently not working on my problems) at this point they are just doubting my intellect and my character, and worst of all they think i’m either not aware or in control of my actions in any way.

i don’t know what makes me the most frustrated about this, i feel desperate and absolutely powerless, i just cannot make them understand or believe in me or my words. i hate that they just assume i’m a liar, to myself or them, and there is nothing i can do to change or proof anything, because in the end they would just not take my attempts at that serious, again. i just feel utterly inferior, not at all because i am autistic or trans or asexual, just entirely because my word is apparently worth nothing.

with the trans thing i know, at least, that it is a passing thing, they will see, sooner or later, that i meant it, that i won’t regret anything. the autism thing is a whole other topic. last week i searched for some research papers and articles to send to my parents so they maybe gain a better understanding of what aspergers is, and how it shows itself in women. maybe i will send the articles to my siblings too. if they don’t care enough to look for information themselves, maybe they would read those. my therapist has also offered in the past, that i could bring my family to a session, so we could talk this through and maybe they will believe her, even if they continue to ignore the other professionals that made the diagnosis. i’m just afraid they would just latch onto anything the therapist might say that could in any way be construed as evidence against the diagnosis as definite proof that it is not true, cause thats what they’ve been doing till now, looking at a thing that might not fit, and deciding that’s enough to form an opinion. i will see my therapist this week and will talk to her about it. i’m just emotionally exhausted by this whole topic, i keep trying to find ways to indefinitely explain things, it’s just.. my siblings are very accomplished people, my oldest brother especially, being a chief resident neurosurgeon and all, and if they have come to a conclusion with their rightful confidence in their intellect, i believe it’s going to be hard for little old apparently not-accountable me to prove to them they are wrong, especially if they just want to hold on to the thought of ‘nothing’ being wrong with me for whatever benefit it gives them. 

they have no idea the amount of guilt i feel, not functioning properly, noone would choose this as an ‘easy way out’, being lazy or defiant, if there is also a way to just not be like this indefinitely. they also don’t understand how much the diagnosis has helped with this feeling, and with finding a way to excist in society without literally driving myself insane.

#personal #i'm just tired #i wish you could somehow make a person feel what you feel to make them understand? #here take this bit of me #try it on for a day and then tell me again how you don't believe me

[temporary-ss]

@birkastan2018 Hi! First of all, I’m not really here on tumblr anymore, I’ve deactivated a long time ago. I wanted to chip in on this because it’s spreading like wild fire, it’s the mere reason I’ve made this account.

I admire and understand what you have been doing, I really do. There’s nothing wrong with wanting reviews and recognition from your readers. Writers deserve it through and through! It’s okay to enjoy what you do at the same time ask for feedbacks, IT’S OKAY! No to shaming writers.

Now, let’s go to a more delicate subject which is the main reason I am here now. We want to encourage readers to interact with authors, that’s it that’s the advoacy here. Now, I came to see for myself what the fuss was all about, with some intensive backreading. So what I have noticed there was a “shift,” the one thing you were trying to build destroyed itself. I don’t know if you are aware of this. Instead of encouraging silent readers, name calling happened. Words like “shame,” “selfish,” “sociopath,” “parasites,” etc., all of which lead into this = WORTHLESS. I was shocked! I thought you want readers’ involvement so why? Those were not exactly confidence booster which I think one of the things silent readers lack. I thought you were the adult one. I’ll treat you the way you treat me, yeah do that but on a different account because you are destroying the purpose of this blog by applying this principle. Again, remember your advocacy: encouraging feedback. We are bridging gaps not widening it. Do not pit them against each other. No to reader shaming.

Mental issues is a very sensitive topic which you have adressed also. This has left a bitter taste in my mouth honestly. We don’t know what is happening behind everyone, be it authors or readers. You cannot compare how one handles his/her issues to others. We were always told this during my pre-med: Every person is unique. Everyone have different experiences, coping mechanism, signs and symptoms, etc. You cannot compare how a writer handles it from a reader and vice versa. I think you’ve said something along the lines: If an author with mental issue can manage to write something, readers have no excuse. This is exactly the problem of our society and how they approach mental health. It does not work like that. Patient A and Patient B both have the same diagnosis but present different sets of signs and symptoms - this happens, I’m not gonna go technical and bore you with medical stuffs. Both are important and valid, that’s the bottomline. Yes, it could be an excuse. Don’t undermine mental health. #MentalHealthAdvocacy 

I’m not here for a debate. I’ve read some of your responses, all of which have same points. (they were all long fyi you could easily condense it to one short paragraph. As someone who read thick medical books everyday, just a sight of long posts in the internet makes me puke. But here I am making one, oh the irony...ANYWAY). I am aware of the sacrifices our writers make. Yes, they deserve reaction from readers. It’s okay to feel sad if reviews are vast, its okay to seek it out. But you birk cannot simply force readers or guilt-trip them into leaving one (I haven’t seen writers guilt trip their readers, so this is on you birk, it is not good for the author community so please refrain from doing this). Isn’t it more satisfying to receive a heartfelt genuine review? I’ll choose that over thousands of guilt-tripped/pity/forced/don’t-leave/i-owe-you comments anytime of the day, it’s so fake don’t insult our writers like that. Let’s forget about statistics: Quality>Quantity.(Edit: Literally, the most reviewed naruto fic on ffnet right now is full of spam (70k), let that sink in) I am in no way encouraging silent readers to be silent readers forever. One by one they’ll come around, it may take days, weeks, months, or even years, but they will. Little by little, it may first start with a kudos, a like, a favorite, a follow, a reblog and by the time they left a review they are ready and they mean every word of it and it’s gonna be worth it. It’s very disheartening to hear, your kudos is just a slap in my face, do you think if you said those words it’s gonna make them magically leave a review? No. Instead, you’ve instilled fear and intimidation upon them, making any possible interaction from a genuine reader in the future impossible. Again, the goal is encourage readers not eat them. I know that is what you want, but your sudden deviation on a different yet same path (idk if you were influenced by someone im kinda observant that way...maybe choose your friends wisely) became a trigger for this to spun out of control. You can go back!

Lastly, the “fandom.” Everyone has their own definition of it. But what I can confidently say is that the backbone of the fandom is not you, not me, not the content creators, not the readers. It’s kishi, naruto, the anime, the manga, the characters, the ships. It’s those little canon moments. Isn’t that the reason why we create and built this fandom in the first place? We love them. I’m gonna give you a leeway for this because you’re still pretty new in the fandom. I can see how a person who had been here longer than you get mad at your sentiments. We make contents based of the canon. Many are still here because we cling on those canon moments. We take something and give it a different universe, giving rise to beautiful fan arts and fics, cosplays, conventions, dojinshi, etc. At the end of the day, we go back to those canon moments that we love. It had been so long since naruto ended, but you still see gifs, manga caps of the anime and manga, respectively, you still see analysis of moments, you still see people fighting how the story should have ended (let’s not forget the time when someone made a petition to change the ending like 🙄) or who is better. That is our backbone, our roots.

Additionally, the anon that said something like I will go down with this fandom even if I’m the only one left. I think it wasn’t at all meant to shame anyone. That’s a popular slang(?) in fandom culture: I will go down with this ship, I will go down with [insert anyone here]. That’s passion. That person love naruto and nothing will make it go away, he/she will enjoy naruto despite everything that’s a fan mentality. What do you expect some of us here have been fans since we were children, it had been a part of our lives for more than a decade.

And seriously? “Consumers”? Do it in another place, it is so inappropriate to use this in fandom culture. People are here to enjoy you make it sound so corporate, it is such a kill joy word. Maybe it’s an age thing? We’re not consumers, we are “fans.” Makes me think you see fandom superficially not capturing it’s entire essence.

Birk - do not reduce yourself to name calling, you are bigger than that. learn to see things with an open and clear mind. if you’re not gonna leave your bubble where silent readers are worthless & [insert the words you used to call them], you are not gonna get through with them. remember your goal always. Readers - your opinions and excuses matter and your self-worth can’t and shouldn’t be dictated by anyone. Writers - your’s also matter. its okay to want feedback. its okay to create patreons/kofi, ignore those who said otherwise. keep doing what you love, if passion gets too overwhelming take a breath and relax. if you want to quit doing it, it’s also okay you don’t have to keep doing if you’re unhappy anymore. self care first.

This had been said already but I wanna reiterate. Let’s not forget the real devils here: REPOSTERS, TRACERS, PLAGIARIZERS, ENTITLED PERSONS.

I hope you finish reading this and take it with an open-mind. You gonna meet me half-way here. Otherwise, this will not end. Thank you! P.S. I said I am not here for debate bec I understand your point. It’s okay not to answer me (if you will, don’t make it long, straight to the point but you do you) but let me know if you’ve already read this. 

#one thing I learned as a future doctor = Patience is a virtue #you can get your point across without calling people useless #it will come a long way #gonna get back on my reading materials #one step forward two steps backward #oh my ive read some another response from you #i hope you don’t do that to your children in the future #saying “shame on you” if they dont abide to your ideals #Dont relay on google for your “medical research” #please please please don’t do that im speaking on behalf of every doctor you’ll encounter through out your life

[butwhatistrue]

Dream, Reality, Psychosis and Me

Okay, look ^^^^^ there is a pretentious title to start this pretentious introspective piece off. I almost feel like I’m on my old blog! Except, this time it’s personal.

Uhhm cw for nightmare content and unreality I guess but not too badly and nothing graphic. Mentions of demons(possession), murder, syringes, blood, violence.

In which I contemplate my relationship to Reality, The Dreamworld, Dream Intergration and it’s relation to my supposed psychosis.

Okay so I was recently diagnosed with psychosis (non-organic, unspecified). This is a weird position for me to be in, because if I accept this diagnosis I will, in effect, have to accept that I have been more or less psychotic since before a time I can barely remember.. And that is …. Hard to accept.

You’d think it was easy, too. Whenever my friends talk about being bullied in school I end up going a little quiet, because the truth is I have MASSIVE gaps in my memory but I remember SOME bad things, and some really really WAY UNREALISTICALLY bad things which I assume are dream-memories. I remember the fear and the feeling that everyone was plotting against me, from small things like seating in the classroom, to bigger things, like their supposed endgoal of “putting me down” with a euthanasia syringe stolen from the local vet, or setting the playhouse on fire with me stuck in it. But I also have very clear memories of being called “a slut” and “a whore” with reference to events which I at the time had no memory of, and which were likely fabrication(?!). I wonder if my classmates noticed my faulty episodic memory and used it against me, or if they didn’t realize how much they were fucking with my mind?

Still, the tale goes back before school, at least to kindergarten but dare I say the daycare too. I vaguely remember daycare, but I think what I remember are dreams and not reality. I just remember lying in my bed with someone standing over me and being absolutely certain I was going to die and believing they were hurting me. I never did like daycare, according to my mom. I would come home “cleaner than when I arrived”, so they might have been bathing me which could explain the issue as I was massively opposed to being cleaned as a child. I think the dreams began then or a little later. At first they were a little silly. The lamp would flicker, rip itself loose and come floating towards me from above. The teddies on my duvet would get up and start to wander towards me, closer and closer, their intent unknown. 

At this time I didn’t think of them as dreams or nightmares. They were ‘the things that happened in my room at night’. To this day I wonder about the two categories of nightmares: Awful shit nightmares, and “things that happen in my room at night” nightmares. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even dreaming, I wouldn’t be able to say if I weren’t. The ‘awful shit that happens’ nightmares came right on their tail. My brother would hold me down while my father butchered me with an axe; I would be buried alive or thrown in the trash. My mother would cry over my still-sentient mutilated dead body. Sometimes they were weird and eery. Like one time my brother and his friends acquired a syringe and every time someone was struck with it, they would start to multiply, and their personality and wishes would be washed out the more they multiplied and the more it would be replaced with the need to multiply others too. Some were just bloody and gory beyond belief, like the one time all the other children had been slaughtered and i was forced to drink their blood (which tasted like overripe tomatoes, a food item i can’t eat to this day lmao)

I believed strongly at this age that there were spirits, often hiding in lamps, who could occupy a human body and bend it to their will. This could happen at anytime, to anyone, which meant I was never safe – even from the one person I did trust (my mother).  I also never did trust reality. I started to wake up from nightmares within another nightmare that would play out in the house. Going to my mom for comfort, only to find her possessed by spirits, or getting attacked and mutilated on my way through the house, was a stable. I would have dreams within dreams within dreams. When I was awake I was anxious enough to turn reality into a nightmare, too. The darkness came to life before my eyes. So naturally, I became wary of reality.

Who wouldn’t? At an early point in kindergarten I had my first successful lucid dream. I was having a scary dream, not really a nightmare. It was too silly, too cliché, like something other kids would tell me about. A witch had caught me, and was preparing the bowl in which she was going to cook me alive. “This cannot be,” I said to myself. “How ridiculous. This ain’t even scary – you gotta do better!” and you know. In the end I WAS boiled alive by the witch but I knew I wasn’t REALLY dying. And that was a grand victory over The Dreamworld. I told the other kids, proud of my accomplishments, and I was deemed a Dream Hero (or maybe they didn’t believe me but those are Lesser Details).

Of course, I rejoiced too soon. The dreamworld did up it’s game, and soon Reality followed. By the time I entered school and people had the realization that I Was Not Correct, and presumably started to freeze me out and/or even bully me, The Dreamworld was Ready to Strike.

And it wasn’t as much about seeing Dream stuff in reality, it was more about fake memories and weird notions given too much credit. yet. yet..

I never really thought about any of this in terms of psychosis. The thought honestly never even crossed my mind???? Until a little over a year ago when that psych dude indelicately pointed it out. 

Since being a small child I’ve thought about this like a battle between Reality and The Dreamworld (and sometimes with anxiety). The world of dreams contains both bad and good. There are good things there for me to harvest. Eventually I had non-scary lucid dreams, and I started having good-natured inception-style battles of wit with my “subconscious”. I would be wake up exasperated but fond.

Just like the Dreamworld knows how to fuck me up, it knows my aesthetics intimately, and I’ve had the most beautiful views and riveting adventures in that world. It was a force of nature for me to tame and control. The night is twilight hour. Anything can happen during the night. You don’t even know if you’re dreaming or awake, during the night. Trust, me if you wake up enough times from a waking position, you’re going to lose count.

It doesn’t matter either. You marvel at the beauty of it all. Or quiver in existential fear.

I’ve been constantly questioning reality, whether dreaming or awake, since I was four. I’ve had to. And I know the rules. If something seems reality-ish I play by the rules of Reality lest I fuck up. Even if things seem very very dream-ish I try not to do anything that would kill me in Reality, jic. It’s working out great. I feel like my connection to the Dreamworld is a gift as much as a curse.

Sometimes Dream-elements enter reality, even at day, and I guess that is what people so clinically refer to as “hallucinations”, but to be honest I never thought much of it. It never goes beyond a point where everything is reality-ish, so I still act according to the Reality-ruleset and then I may employ a second jic-ruleset which might be considered a little to the delusional side.

But who really cares as long as it’s working out?

I never assumed reality was supposed to be clearcut. I always saw figures in the dark and considered if it was a man walking his dog, an axe-murderer, a demon or a trick of my mind. Those were all equally valid options and I considered that to be the way reality works.

You can’t trust everything you experience, but there are so many reasons not to? It could be a dream, or it could contain dream elements, or I could be misreading something.

It’s not a scary, weird thing, pathological thing, is it????? How much do people trust their senses normally? I’m sure it happens just as often that I consider something a Trick of Mind, when in fact, it’s true. Just the other night I was sleeping at my friend’s mom’s place. I woke up to a dripping sound, and found that the ceiling was dripping rhythmically on my duvet. Naturally I assumed this was a “thing that happens at night”, and went back to sleep. Next day it turns out there WAS in fact water dripping from the ceiling!

I mean isn’t that equally a problem? And now that people are throwing about scary words like psychosis and even schizophrenia, it makes it all so much more scary and anxiety-inducing.

It’s not just about a battle of wits anymore. It’s about “mental illness”. And it’s like…. All the hard work I’ve done.. is not good enough?????? Like I’ve worked so hard,, And I’ve gotten so much better… but it’s not good enough?? I’m not good enough.

And what are they even basing this whole thing on??? “Oh you hear a few things? Oh you smell a few things? Oh times is weird? Oh lamps are scary?” like no fucking shit but I GOT THIS OKAY

So WHY AM I EVEN WASTING THEIR TIME? What do I want???? I guess I really really really wanted someone to tell me the whole structure/concentration issue was an adhd issue and prescribe me miracle meds …. If I’m being honest. I don’t know how to deal with these meds. They scare me. I don’t know what Reality is without Dream Intergration???? But it sounds really empty and scary and meaningless.

At the same time they’re saying it might help my anxiety and I’m so DESPERATE for relief it’s embarrassing. I almost cry at the thought of relief????? Because it just. It hurts so fucking much??? Lmao im so weak but still. It makes me so anxious to think it might have no effect. I was so resigned to status quo. The idea that it can be different creates hope and hope breeds anxiety. I was going to be fine but now I’m DESPERATE for that sweet relief??? I fantasize about it.

And then there is dream logic which shouldn’t be taken too seriously. But I have noted that I’ve missed two buses since I started on these meds, which I would’ve made it to if my usual time-skills had been working. I can’t say for sure the meds have anything to do with it, the system does fail me sometimes, but it’s quite the coincidence. Twice time has seemed to go in the opposite direction of what dream logic dictates, or at least been flowing in non-gentle directions. It’s supposed to be a just in time matching system. The logical Reality explanation is that I’m tired and not focusing on the time properly, which is not good either. But it’s like. Some time stuff has returned. For example I’ve started checking the time at 13.13, 14.14, 19.19 etc again. I feel very proud??? Even thought it’s a useless skill. But that might indicate my time-understanding is improving. I might just need to adjust, so checking those keypoints could be a way of adjusting?

There are also real, valid concerns about anti-psychotics, that I’m ignoring in favor of hunting that Sweet Anxiety Relief…

I feel like I’ve played myself. Am I scrapping over twenty years of learned tolerance for the Dreamworld’s antics? What comes after?

I never ever want to be small and afraid and without reality testing again.

#Kit doesn't know when to shut up #actuallypsychotic #maybe #lmao #It's been a while since I posted one of my horrible longwinded introspective me me me posts but.... #i might need it a little #in light of recent events #just be happy #I've had one about gender brewing in my mind for half a year you absolutely don't want to read that shit #which can be summed up with 'im disstressed but no course of action will make me less distressed w h y ' #this one might at least be a little more interesting #going somewhere with it #or like. #im wondering if anyone relates #still trying to figure out if I've been misdiagnosed #this is all really prompted by the fact that my dreams have seemed weirdly insignificant and 'normal' the past few days #like kind of mundane and with more classic than awesome dream logic #i don't approve of this change #i dont hope it's a permanent effect of these meds #especially now that I'm doubling the dose from today

[thenameisbinx]

Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe. 

so let’s start it like this instead. 

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are.  Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted. 

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along. 

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.  

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff. 

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate. 

Obedient -  submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to. 

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt. 

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood. 

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid. 

Strength -  legal, logical, or moral force;  degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved. 

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman? 

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable. 

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry. 

Tired -  drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own. 

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood. 

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me. 

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime. 

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear. 

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine. 

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while. 

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew. 

blame Monday. 

#anxitey #define me #monday #mental breakdown