it’s a selfish thought and arthur knows it because merlin has spent so much time hiding a vital part of his existence, his very being, all because of arthur. so he presses it down into the deepest recesses of himself and focuses on doing everything he can to support merlin, to give merlin the world he deserves. a world where he is free.
but sometimes, when he’s alone in his room surrounded by his endless responsibilities, he will think to himself, i am nothing.
merlin and the old religion hold him as this once and future king, but no matter what they say, he can’t understand why they think any of this is about him. it was never him. everything he’d done, every accomplishment and fight he’d won had never been his to claim. he was a fraud. he was a lonely king with nothing to his name beyond the blood on his hands, the blood staining his every crevice.
he isn’t the once and future king. he doesn’t deserve any of the praise. he is the moon, a piece of rock in the sky that shines only because of the sun. without the sun, the moon is worthless. without the sun, no one would have ever looked at the moon twice.
arthur had never been proud of his mistakes and his inaction when it came to his father’s slaughter, but he had been proud of the things he had done to keep his kingdom and his people safe and healthy and happy. he has fought and fought and fought only to discover he had never even landed a punch. every knockout, every victory he had held up to hide the ugly nothingness of his true, empty self was never his to hold. with the discovery of merlin’s magic, any worthiness he thought he’d earned had slipped through his fingers like sand through a sieve.
merlin is beautiful and powerful. merlin is a god amongst men, a gift given to this world, given to arthur, and for what?
this prophecy for arthur was always about merlin. he carried the weight, he fought and fought and fought and he won, merlin was the one who had carried this kingdom on his back until they reached the safety of the golden era of the current day.
it’s a selfish thought, to be thinking of himself in relation to merlin’s magic when merlin has suffered every single day because of arthur. and yet, in those moments, he can’t help but wonder why he was born at all, why he was named savior of a group of people who would’ve never died if only he had stayed unmade, a whisper of nothingness in his mother’s womb.
his first breath caused a massacre, a genocide, and yet he was given an angel and a title and a prophecy of greatness he could never actually fulfill.
he would never tell merlin about these thoughts he had. merlin would end up feeling guilty somehow, would carry the weight of arthur’s worthlessness even more by taking on the deserved revulsion arthur had for himself.
no, he couldn’t tell merlin about this. merlin would tell him he was wrong, would try to talk him up and fix it. would use that endless kindness to tell arthur endless stories about his own importance. merlin would shine his sunshine on arthur until arthur forgot he was just a lump of rock. he wouldn’t rest until arthur loved himself, until arthur took all the credit for merlin’s own accomplishments again.
no, he would keep this to himself. he would give merlin the attention and love he deserves. this story isn’t actually about arthur pendragon. it never was.
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My gf asked me if will wood is queer and I was literally like "the central thesis of his album Self-ish is that identity is ultimately meaningless and to focus too much on it is to lose sight of yourself for who you are rather than the words you use to describe yourself, so, to label him as either queer or not, is reductive of what his actual experience of gender and sexuality means within the context of the rest of his existence."
Which is maybe the most pretentious and ridiculous way I've ever answered any question. And is mostly mind garbage and me projecting my identity issues onto his work lol
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Being biromantic asexual can be really frustrating sometimes because you feel out of place in bisexual spaces because you don't like/want sex. When it comes to thinking about dating you feel like nobody is interested in you because you lack something that is very important to people in relationships. Even though you know there are other people who are like you and feel the same way it eats at you and makes you feel extremely insecure about your sexuality, or, I guess, lack thereof. Simultaneously when explaining your sexuality to people you feel like you have to say "I'm bisexual" and omit your asexuality to people because of how many people believe that if you're asexual then you're automatically aromantic, since so many people think of romantic attraction = sexual attraction even though that is not the case for everybody.
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The post going around about accomodating anger issues is so fucking true. Like. Even in therapy context, the accomodation isn't always there! From my own experience in a place that was supposed to help people with mental health issues (and did at least an okay job with most):
1) There was this guy who came in after I'd been there for a few weeks. He had anger management issues. And he was thrown out after about a week because he showed - you guessed it - anger!
Okay, so what happened was that he apparently threw a bottle or something. But the thing is. He didn't throw it at anybody, he threw it at a door while being alone in a room. The problem? His roommate came in just when he threw it. (His roomie was fine, if shaken.)
Now I can understand that the roomie didn't want to sleep in the same room as the guy anymore. But they didn't even (as far as I know) try to accomodate the guy with the anger issues. The sensible thing imo would have been to give him a single room. There he could have safely let out his anger without someone randomly walking in (the staff should at least knock before going in, so he'd be warned). But this didn't happen. I guess that guy's insurance didn't cover a single room. 🙃 Even though there was at least one empty one at the time. 🙃
Mind you, the dude was already against therapy in general, complaining how after a week nothing had changed yet (which is an unreasonable expectation to have, yes, but he had it). Do you think he will ever try again? These people didn't even try to help him when he showed freaking SYMPTOMS of what he was THERE FOR.
I don't think he's going to seek help again.
2) Towards the end of my own stay, some bs happened that I won't go into rn. And I became angry. At the therapists, mostly, though it also generally became difficult to shed the anger. I tried going for walks and to the gym, but nothing helped.
The therapists seemed upset that I was so angry at them. (At least some of them.) But I just couldn't stop being so fucking angry, it definitely impacted the rest of my time there. I couldn't really get anything from the sessions anymore.
And the best thing? When I managed to control my anger long enough to actually, through gritted teeth, ask for help with it, they told me that I needed to handle it on my own.
Great, thanks! Because that worked so well! I mean I understand that there is no one way cure all for anger but like. A suggestion would have been nice. Any nudge would have been appreciated. But no, nothing. I still get angry thinking about them.
And it's not like it's gone away. Once those feelings were unlocked, it seems like they never really left. Sometimes I get so fucking angry I feel sick. For hours. With covid and all, at least that's happened mostly when I was at home. But now that everything is opened up again... Well. Let's see how long it takes before I explode into someone's face.
And let's be clear, I do not want to go back. Before, I was severely depressed, partly because I was repressing my own emotions so hard I barely noticed I had any. If you asked me how I was back then my only honest reply could have been 'tired' or 'thirsty' or 'hungry' because I just didn't realize/let myself feel anything else. I still have trouble identifying feelings a lot of the time. They mostly manifest as physical sensations for me.
But, damn. Living with this kind of rage not just inside you but with the possibility that it will break out any moment is. Not great. And I wish I'd been given some tools to deal with that. But apparently that's for me to figure out alone. 🙃
This is not me seeing advice, btw, just want to rant.
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The audACITy
I MADE NO RESEARCH HERE, so muCH OF THESE IS JUST VENT AND SUBJECTIVE DESCRIPTIONS, THERE IS NO MORAL OF THE STORY PLS ITS GONNA BE HORRIBLE
It was a good day.
You have been panicking a lot, lately. You shouldn't be. Everything's fine.
It's not, though. The unseen shadows clinging to you are getting stronger and they are, once again, tugging you with words you never even heard.
They're calling you 'unloved'. They're calling you 'unworthy'.
You remember people you are still in contact with today. You remember the longest conversation you ever had with a person you rarely talk to in real life. You remember strangers you met for only a few seconds and somehow, they left a great impact on your outlook of your own life.
How, in what world, does that make you 'unloved' and 'unworthy'? You thought as you challenged the shadows.
They took a step back. But you felt that they were still there, the words only a subconscious whisper.
A great idea had crossed your mind, and you had imagined few of the people you know admiring it. You were never one to see yourself in such a light, and you do not expect attention. But deep down, you know someone will interact. The same way they always have responded.
You started to write, but then the shadows began to shake you.
How dare you.
How dare you try this.
How dare you think you can just do this.
How dare you.
You took a step back.
You wanted to try. But you're annoying, the voices said. Whose voices? The unseen shadows?
It is safer here. You are going to throw it all away?
You are aware of the worst possible outcome. You had once been sure that would happen.
The consequence will make you regret it.
It never did.
You believe you are likeable?
You considered that the shadows were always a part of you. It keeps you grounded, humble, so you wouldn't get ahead of yourself.
You are not as good as you think.
But how much were they holding you back? You weren't sure. You had once feared them, but now..
They will hate you. They already do.
They were getting annoying.
How dare they.
How dare they think of those people like that. Like they would look at their phone and frown at the simple sight of your name.
You went to a near mirror and said:
"F*** you."
You had imagined the unseen shadows retreat, but you knew they were still there. They will come back, they always do, but it doesn't matter. You don't need to listen to them today.
It is a good day.
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From my perspective, they're not exactly voices are shadows, but they feel like that bc yknow, sometimes it feels dark like it clouds your mind and it's weighing on you, then you get these thoughts? I remembered that post somewhere, something with along the lines of "I feel like you look at my chats and just have a disappointed look on your face" "Please don't think of me like that" I CANT FIND IT THO SIQJWHS but yeah that's why I wrote this.
Sometimes I hate that part of me that assumes everyone's out there to get me. Idk, I just feel bad for forgetting that nice people exist. BuT AGAIN THIS IS MORE LIKE A VENT POST? HAJQHSBS okay anw ty for reading if you did read it
nah imagine witnessing someone swear at themselves in front of a mirror, i mean thats normal behavior right
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