do you have any insight on dealing with imposter syndrome and feeling like you're lying to yourself?
i had to look up what imposter syndrome meant so i apologize if my advice isn’t that fitting or if it doesn’t help,
i often feel like i’m lying to myself, or that i’m not the person i think i am, or im a different person than how people perceive me, and it’s got even worse once i started to stream.
as for feeling like u don’t know urself and therefore are lying to yourself:
i think a big thing we have to realize is that we are allowed to be different people day to day, changing as you grow up, changing based on your environment, changing when you are with people vs yourself. it’s all normal i promise. we don’t have to categorize ourself as a specific type of person, like a character in a movie with specific characteristics that they don’t very from. we are human, it’s okay to evolve with time and contradict yourself. be introverted AND extroverted. you are allowed to be sensitive and closed off. your allowed to get angry even if you are sweet most of the time. i struggle with trying to act as a character, a show i’m preforming. a persona, if you will. and i try to do this because if i don’t, if i fail to define every part of my personality in a tangible sense, i feel i don’t know myself. humans are meant to be complex.
as for imposter syndrome, there are a lot of different types:
if you are feeling you are unworthy/undeserving of the things you receive; i get it. in school i was in gifted programs but never felt deserving of it. i felt stupid when i saw all the other gifted kids, my grades were bad, the gifted kids called me dumb but all the other kids would call me smart.. i never felt like it. i felt like i knew more about all the things i didn’t know then what i did know. whether it is with school titles or even streaming, i look at everything everyone else has done to get to the position i’m in and i feel like i’m not worthy of it all. why me, i didn’t do anything/enough to deserve this? someone must have got it wrong. be kind to yourself. try and find all your talents, all the sweet parts that make you you. imposter syndrome stems from confidence issues. insecurities. just as you would any issue like it: face your insecurities, realize your talents and utilize them. stop comparing yourself. you have received everything you have for a reason, other people have different paths, that doesn’t mean yours is untrue. don’t hide from your feelings. how you feel you don’t belong or are unworthy, lean into those. feel them, so then you can begin to heal them. don’t let it hold you back. it can be very unmotivating believing you have wrongly gotten far, no matter how much you feel a fraud, keep pursuing what you want, your goals, don’t let anything hold you back. so what if it was all a fluke. use it to your advantage. if all else fails, if you can’t see how deserving you are, make yourself believe it. become what you view as deserving.
and this doesn’t have to be work/school/career related. some people believe they aren’t deserving in general, in life. for the life they now have, the kindness they receive, the people in your life. you must realize the things that have happen to you do not define you. from the moment you were born you were deserving of everything. everything that could make you smile and feel all happy and warm inside. your deserving of it all. because you always have been, and always will be.
if you feel you could always do better, that you need to be best and do it solo otherwise you feel unworthy; i get this too, being born a natural perfectionist at the core but also with my mental issues like my OCD. some days i don’t even brush my teeth, and it’ll be 7pm and i’ll be sitting in bed hating myself for not doing enough, not being enough. in my streaming, when i was at my peak, i felt like i wasn’t funny enough, not deserving of all the views i got, that someone else could have done better with all i’ve received. if you have ever felt like that, or like if you aren’t the best you are nothing. that sometimes your hardest isn’t even enough, and even if you work and receive what you want, you could’ve done better. YOU ARE HUMAN. it is okay to not be perfect. it’s okay to not push yourself all the time, just because you didn’t push yourself to exhaustion doesn’t mean you are any less worthy. it’s okay if you didn’t do “all you could”, it’s okay if you asked for help from people, it’s okay to not do it solo, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve what comes your way after all that work. sure some people may work harder, good for them! and good for you for doing your own thing! you don’t need to work harder than others to prove your worthiness. you don’t have to be great at everything. don’t burn yourself out. it’s okay to be average! come join us over here at the mediocre club, i promise we are just as worthy of good as anyone else. and you do have talents. for some reason we see talents as something that only other people can have, because if we can do it.. it must not be that impressive, right?
wrong.
trust the judgment of those around you. you earned it, so trust yourself. they aren’t being nice, they are being honest. it’s not luck. you’re not a fake, you’re human.
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something so fucked up about Chat Noir’s whole deal is that he is in a lot of ways Adrien playing a character. Like Adrien picked up his miraculous and was told he’d be a superhero so he was like “ok, time to act like a superhero!” and he lets himself have fun w it and play up the role and let loose and kind of just allow himself to be silly and goofy and have fun and for once in his life not care about performing Perfection™.
But. But none of the other characters KNOW THAT. So everyone just sees Chat Noir and is like “look at this guy’s ego. He’s so full of himself. Surely it’d be fair to knock him down a few pegs” without being aware of how few pegs he actually HAS. He’s like the “insecure character who overcompensates in ego” trope except he’s really not doing it unironically, he’s just having a fun LARP pretending to have self worth in his off-hours but nobody else is on the same page about it being a game and he refuses to tell them. He just dramatically pouts about it and lets them laugh and pretends like he’s not internalizing it and it is almost 3 am and my brain forced me to write this instead of sleeping I’m gonna take a melatonin
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Hope.
I thought I needed to finally start a blog, to write how I feel, to talk to someone but also not burden them with all this. Because the people I can burden it on, I can’t seem to find the words to tell them anything. But the people who I should be careful with i am the most talkative. I don’t know. It’s complicated. It’s impulsive. It’s exhausting.
Anyway, so I have this fear of abandonment. I am scared I will be left all alone in this world and if I do not do something about it, if I do not cling to people and make sure they stay in my life, I will lose them. I will be pretty cool initially to hang out with, very chill and cool. But as soon as you start becoming important to me, I'll become this clingy person who is no longer cool and is so dependent and scared and so exhausting to be around. While people keep reminding me that's not true my mind still keeps on convincing me that they are just being nice. And even more so if the person in concern is romantically involved with me. "They're doing it just for sex", "They must have some ulterior motive to be with me", "They definitely are in love with someone else". The excuses are endless.
I had a discussion with my therapist on this, I do not think of me as worthy, I guess a lot of it stems from the way I was treated as a child. I guess I somehow learnt that I had to be of use to be worthy, I must always have something to offer, I must be reliable, I must make people laugh and be a cool person to be around. While I might be some of it, I was always doing that out of duty. I have only 3-4 people I can actually be myself around, even then that fear creeps up at times. With all my friends, it took me years to trust them, that I can be vulnerable in front of them and I can be myself. But even then, when I cannot help them in the perfect way that I should I feel like I've failed that relationship. I know it's not true, but I'm not really sure I believe it. And everytime I look at all of this, I feel sad for myself. I have been feeling sad for myself for so long, I'm tired. I want to move past this to a better place, where I'm kinder to me and everyone around me. Where I see myself worthy of the love I get and actually embrace it without a doubt. Where I can appreciate every little thing people do for me, including me and be actively thankful for it. Where I can love myself not because I have to do it but because I am someone worth loving.
While I have a long way to go, I'll keep trying, I'll keep failing and I'll keep appreciating every one who is around helping me through the tough times. I'll appreciate me for not giving up yet.
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