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badatjokezz · 3 years

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Haikyuu!! Rare Pair Fic Recs

i’ve been so hype about some Hq rarepairs lately now imma list some of my fav fanfics, mostly OiSuga mwehehe....

(probably gonna add some more in the future)

Oisuga (Oikawa x Sugawara)

1. Stuck in the Middle With You by overlymetaromantic

It's not the kind of blossoming relationship either of them would expect, but maybe, just maybe, it could lead to something good.

1. In which Suga and Oikawa run into each other on a late night convenience store run.

2. In which Suga and Oikawa inadvertently switch bags and end up with the other’s uniform.

3. In which Suga gives Oikawa the lecture he doesn't want but probably needs, and Oikawa might accidentally be a little in love.

4. In which Oikawa won't shut up about Suga, and Iwaizumi plays matchmaker just to make him stop.

5. In which there is not a date, and Suga likes spicy things much more than sweet.

6. In which Karasuno and Aobajousai hold training camps in the same neck of the woods, and the trip back proves to be more revealing than it probably should.

7. In which there might just be a future to this after all.

(Dis is so fluffy i might die)

2. moving on (growing up) by _helios (neocitz)

‘I’ll do it,’ Suga says, walking into their prep school and dropping his bag on the floor next to Oikawa. He shoves the melon bun and drink forward into Oikawa’s hands, and stands there looking down at him because he knows that he needs to not chicken out.

‘You’ll do what?’ Oikawa looks up through his glasses, eyes wide and confused as the other students stream in around them.

‘The fake dating thing, I’ll do it.’

‘Fuck. Yes.’ Oikawa says with a fist pump.

(It’s been AGES since i read Fake/Pretend Relationship fic, this one is goood)

3. how strange, to be remembered by venusintwelfthFandoms

"He is not formed of the type of dust that makes up stars. Suga is not the type of person that stays in the mind of one like Oikawa Tooru, ten years later. He is formed of the type of dust you shake off, the type that settles into the ground."

Ten years after Suga last steps off a high-school court, Oikawa recollects a "Mr. Refreshing" in a post-game interview, and Suga is left scrambling.

(Cute one-shot, Oikawa still remember Mr. Refreshing from Karasuno)

4. all the small things by Authoress for lemedy

Sugawara Koushi.

Oikawa’s brain supplies the name of the person standing at the other end of the aisle before Oikawa can even register him, attuned to spitting out facts about other volleyball players on a second’s notice, even after all these years. Karasuno High vice-captain. 174 cm…no, more like 176 now. Skilled at raising morale and bringing an element of surprise to their strategy. Troublesome. Refreshing. Setter.

The enemy.

(Single Dad! Oikawa, cuuutee ugh)

5. Win Some by kingdra (aroceu) for Icie

Tooru does not have a problem, its name is certainly not Sugawara Koushi, and he is not going to the Karasuno practices just to watch him. Regardless of whatever Iwa-chan says.

(High school romane~)

6. Even as bright as you are? by BKAKCANON

That night when he goes to sleep, he includes "the safety of fairies" on his prayers, making a promise to whoever was listening him, that he'd protect all the fairies and keep their secret safe forever.

[Where Oikawa meets Suga when they are kids and Oikawa believes Suga is secretly a fairy and decides he has to protect his secret all costs.]

(This is basically matches my headcanon)

7. getting to know you by oisugasuga

Suga feels like he’s back on the court then, his heart thudding hard in his ears… so hard he almost misses what Oikawa says. Unfortunately, though, he doesn’t.

"My, my. What a surprise," Oikawa Tooru says. And then… "Hello, Mr. Refreshing."

(Haven’t finished yet but DAMN I LOVE OIKAWA AND SUGA IN HERE, single dad! oikawa, and Suga babysitting oikawa’s kid, def slow burn. Imma follow this fic till death)

8. Dear Reader by hyirule

No one seems to read the paper anymore. But Oikawa likes to for the sports section. One day he finds himself reading a section called "Dear Reader" and finds a submission he can relate to.

Basically messages sent through a page on a newspaper brings to unlikely souls together, who maybe have more in common than they first thought.

(Cannon compliant, simple and... refreshing(?))

9. rest by shicchaan

Tooru looks at the sleeping person beside him as he waits for the lights change into green. The growing fringe of his husband started to cover his eyes but he can still see the beautiful birthmark under the silver haired's left eye.

(Established relationship, fluff fluff!!!)

10. long is the road (that leads me home) by ichweissnichtauch

He thinks about himself, deleting contacts from his phone and throwing coffee cups away without even looking at the string of numbers scrawled in Sharpie ink underneath, and he’s tired of hiding, tired of carefully treading the lines he’d drawn for himself all those years ago.

Just this once, Tooru wants— he thinks he wants to be brave.

Oikawa Tooru is not a stranger to wanting.

(like... 20% Oisuga but i like the way this story follows the Cannon till he get to Argentina)

11. It's Always Been About You by mintycarrots

Every time Tooru had envisioned meeting his soulmate, it was a confession of love, filled with tears of happiness and a lot of making out. It would be a faceless petite girl that would support Tooru in whatever he chose to pursue and would understand when Tooru prioritized volleyball over all else.

It was never a boy on the rival team.

(Soulmate AU)

12. a play in three acts by venusintwelfth

"The first time Sugawara Koushi sees Oikawa Tooru play, he thinks that if he wasn’t so set on volleyball, he’d do well in theater."

the first seijoh x karasuno match through the eyes of suga.

(Kinda poetic i guess, well written af)

13. colors by dazeful

Sugawara Koushi's colorful life as an archer.

(this is like the perfect oisuga one shot ive ever read)

___

IwaSuga (Iwaizumi x Sugawara)

1. And so the moon cried by iwriteinpenFandoms:

The hillocks are the domain of unearthly creatures. Creatures of rot and fog, of music and dance. Like ghosts in the night they travel without leaving footprints, they disappear in a flurry of long dresses and pale hair. Those who are fated to see them risk curses far worse than death. You may hear them, a giggle in the wind. You may smell them, the smell of the fog rolling in through the trees. You should pray you never see them. Iwaizumi Hajime is a simple man. He works a simple farm job and enjoys simple things. After one morning where he woke next to a perfect circle of death and only the memory of brown eyes and cold hands, he finds himself inexplicably drawn to the forest. Will the tales of his childhood play out with him at the center or will he have to disregard all reason?

(Danish Folklore AU)

2. Cry Just A Little by DreadfulMind

Suga was whistling a tune to himself as he opened the door to the bathroom, so he didn't hear the muffled crying through the door. But he could hear it clearly once he was inside. He heard the sharp sob of someone trying to stop.

"Iwaizumi?" He asked, "are you sure you're alright?"

(Simple but c u t e)

3. Generations by Karasuno Volleygays (ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor), mozaikmage

Professional sports blogger Sugawara Koushi writes an article about a volleyball match that bears special meaning to him and his former kouhai: a showdown between Kitagawa Daiichi and Yukigaoka Middle School, ten years after the teams faced off for the first time. He doesn't plan on capturing the attention of the world of sports journalism, and he certainly doesn't expect himself to end up having a thing for one of the coaches involved, one Iwaizumi Hajime.

(Time-Skip, I loved it)

___

KuroTsuki (Kuroo x Tsukishima)

1. Invictus by Chiru

Kuroo T. » So let me get this straight (gay?) Kuroo T. » You want me to pretend to be your perfect and fabulous boyfriend, so that your little freckled friend will stop trying to set you up with cute little highschool girls? Tsukishima Kei » yes Kuroo T. » Aha. Tsukishima Kei » you'll do it? Kuroo T. » I don't know. I missed the part where I get something out of it. Tsukishima Kei » you get to annoy me. Unfortunately Kuroo T. » Tempting, Tsukki, very tempting indeed.

(Fake/Pretend Relationship, some fluff, some angst, i read this in the middle of the night and cried, fortunately happy ending)

2. hold onto hope if you got it by nekolyssi

"Now, in the beginning of their third year of high school, the obnoxious hollering and incessant spirit of his teammates became normalcy to Kei. And now, normalcy is this. Weekly psych meetings. Pharmacy waiting rooms. Prescriptions. Refusal of prescriptions. More prescriptions."

(Not finished yet but yep prolly gonna put this one to one of those best haikyuu fics ive ever read. I wasnt so interested at first but i really like the idea of mental ilness etc, this is g o o d!!)

3. [KuroTsuki Fest Week 2017] Traces by Heartythrills

Kuroo’s disappeared for a little over a week now, and suddenly a 4 year old who looks like him appears before Tsukishima’s apartment.

(Age regression, fluff)

4. I swear by xArtemisx

Like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there

"What are you doing here, Tetsu? It's cold." Kei asked softly. Tetsurou smiled. Hearing his name came out of Kei's lips is always music to his ears.

"Nothing. I just came to think that whatever memory we make, may it be happy or sad memories, the bright moon and the starry night sky is always there to be the witness. Did you notice?" The alpha answered and Kei nodded. He also noticed it.

"Yes, I did noticed it."

(I love agony and sad ending....)

5. Honeybee by ClosetGoblin

Tsukishima has trouble sleeping one night during a Third Gym Camping Trip. So, he takes his acoustic guitar and passes the time with some music, and gets a visitor. Maybe he doesn't mind Kuroo's voice as he does the screeching that Lev and Hinata call singing.

(Simple but sweet)

6. Say You Like Me by the_madame21

It's been three months. And Tsukishima Kei is going to see Kuroo Tetsurou.

(light angst and.. s m u t. Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamic)

7. trying to get to you by mytsukkishine

Everything came crashing down on Kuroo when Kei had left him alone with nothing but the moon shining down on him.

Wherein, Kuroo was struggling to move on and decided that he wouldn't mind being with Kei again.

(sad beginning? yes. sad ending? y e s. you’re a masochist? come get your juice)

8. Please Hold by ThemooncatFandoms

Kei was expecting Kuroo to do one of two things; Send a text to the office saying that they will have to call back another time and continue what they started, or excuse himself from Kei to answer the call, which was most likely. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Kuroo does neither of those things.

(short but hot. what’s hotter than quiet sex?)

___

Ushijima x Oikawa

1. This Insignificant Pride and Prejudice by Mysecretfanmoments, Pouler (poulerslashes)

Oikawa Tooru graduated high school with the burning desire to succeed in his college career. He'd hoped that might include taking down his arch-nemesis along the way, but when he finds that his college team hosts an offensively familiar face, he can't help but think that the universe might be conspiring against him. After all, what could be worse than playing on the same team as Ushijima?

(It was funny for me reading oikawa/ushijima fic with that “you should’ve come to Shiratorizawa” joke at first but somehow i found this one... endearing :3, cute poor ushiwaka)

___

Atsumu x Nishinoya

1. All the things I love about Yuu by KilluCoulomb

Atsumu Miya is fixated in Nishinoya. The way the boy acts, talks, plays. He Carefully observes from afar, but he slowly warms up to the Libero. Friendship becomes more and more intimate. Atsumu realizes Nishinoya is not that simple guy he met three years ago. And he loves it.

(pro volleyball players AU)

2. i'll see you then by noyabeans (snowdrops)

Nishinoya Yuu and Miya Atsumu build a rivalry and something more.

“Oh, it's Karasuno’s libero,” he says, mildly surprised to see Nishinoya’s face staring back at him from the brochure, grinning wide with his arms folded over his chest.

Contains spoilers for the current manga arc, up to chapter 380.

#oisuga #kurotsuki #oikawa x sugawara #kuroo x tsukishima #iwasuga #iwaizumi x sugawara #ushijima x oikawa #ushioi #atsunoya #haikyuu!!#fic recs

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cienie-isengardu · 3 years

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The Development of Law and Zoro relationship - Part VI: Wano, Against Emperors (The Untold Journey)

<<Part I: Before Meeting>> <<Part II: Sabaody Archipelago, The First Meeting>> <<Part III: Punk Hazard: The Alliance (A)__(B)>> <<Part IV: Dressrosa, The Breaking Point (The Plan Failed)__ (Saving Law)__(Protecting Law)__ (Birdcage, Pica and Doflamingo)__ (Aftermath)>> <<Part V: Zou, The Kindred Spirits (Traveling Together)__(Searching for Nakama)__ (Reunion)__ (Ninja-Pirate-Mink-Samurai Alliance)__(The Last Moments before War)>> <<Part VI: Wano, Against Emperors (The Untold Journey)__(Zoro & Luffy means Trouble) ...>>

A word of introduction to the 6th part of The Development of Law and Zoro relationship: Wano arc is still an ongoing adventure and because of that, weeks if not months will pass before we learn all the details and its impact on the main characters and world as a whole. Right now, One Piece reached the 1000th chapter and from on, the Supernovas will finally face Big Mom and Kaido. It’s hard to tell if this will be their final battle or not and how much the author still has up his sleeve about Zoro and Law in regard to their relationship during this arc. I suspect some flashback may happen in the near future, especially since Luffy, Law and Zoro are going to fight arm to arm with Kid and Killer against the main target of the alliance - the Emperors. Because of that I can’t rule out the possibility that upcoming chapters could show the dynamic of Zoro and Law already analyzed by me in a different light yet I decided to slowly tackle the analysis of what was shown so far and eventually write an annex and/or correction if the future source material will bring any contradiction.

Every part of the analysis so far got an individual subtitle from me, as a quick summary of Zoro and Law’s relationship stage. For example, Dressrosa Arc was the breaking point that in the visible way separated their neutrality (indifference?) from previous adventures and the clear comradeship presented from on. Wano is pretty hard to name properly so I went with the general “Against Emperors'' title. But frankly speaking, the Together But Separated so far would fit even better because from chapter 909 to 1000, Law and Zoro interacted directly or indirectly (including, having some thoughts about the other) for like, maybe 10 chapters at best. At the same time, most of the likely development of their relationship was happening offscreen - the journey to Wano that is basically omitted by the story so far and so is the time before Straw Hats went undercover. The upcoming confrontation with Emperors thankfully is going to change that. Because of lack of direct interaction I decided to write also about A) Law and Straw Hats (especially Straw Hats men) and B) Supernovas to show how different it is from his and Zoro dynamic.

That said, time for a proper analysis!

The alliance separated into four groups. Luffy's team went to rescue Sanji and got into a fight with Big Mom. Zoro and Law became part of Kinemon’s team and headed to Wano Country scrambled in Law’s submarine. For now (up to chapter 1000), there was little to no detail or flashback about that time of journey, but who knows what future chapters will reveal.

Despite the lack of proper information, some conclusions may be drawn on the basis of previously established informations and logic:

➽ On Zou, Law promised Kinemon a safe passage to Wano. Since shogun Orochi worked closely with Kaido, Beast Pirates posed an additional threat on this part of the sea. Another problem was limited ways to enter the country by ocean. The hidden tunnel leading to Mogura Port was used only when Kaido or Orochi granted someone permission thus was out of question. The other known method was the Climbing Koi Waterfall which itself was a pretty dangerous method, especially since sea currents and weather there were all the time bad for sailing (chapter 910)

So far, there is no information how exactly Team Kinemon avoided or passed by the natural dangers nor how they entered the country (did they find another way underwater?).To get into the country without being spotted by the enemy the submarine most likely needed to be submerged for the majority if not all of the course since Zou alone was already targeted by Beast Pirates.

➽ It’s hard to tell how long the journey took from Zou to the samurai homeland - what depended on the Elephant’s location, submarine’s speed achieved while sailing or during the submergence and eventual obstacles on the way. The most telling time reference we have is that:

⟹ Luffy’s team needed “multiple (several) days” to reach Big Mom’s territory (chapter 823, 824). Nami said Luffy wasted a week’s food supply which also supports the claim that the journey was meant to last for more than one-two days.

⟹ Additionally, the enemy subordinates transporting Sanji to wedding (chapter 825) also needed “several days'' to cross the borderline of Big Mom’s territory and they left Zou two days before Luffy, Zoro, Usopp, Robin, Franky and Law get there. The Straw Hats spent at least two days before they separated into two groups, which gives the enemy four days of advantage. It feels like Big Mom’s pirates sailed around a week (4 day at minimum).

⟹ Saving Sanji and fighting the Charlotte Family took another five days. On the fifth day, in the early morning the Straw Hats escape Totto Land (chapter 901)

⟹ While Luffy’s team sailed to Wano (chapter 903), manga showed the events happening at the same time in a different places, including the world leaders sailing to Mary Geoise for Reverie that last for a seven days. In chapter 904, it was said the conference would start in two days that have passed in chapter 908. Chapter 909 brings the storyline back to Wano and chapter 910 is the moment when Luffy’s team reach the country boardline. It seems safe to assume Luffy’s group took at least 2 days to reach Wano.

⟹ The journey from Zou to Whole Cake Island took Straw Hats several days but from Totto Land to Wano closer to two days.

⟹ Jack the Drought’s return to Wano happened several days before Luffy’s arrival. Since “several” is an “indefinite number more than 2 or 3 but not many”(x), he most likely got there before Luffy left Big Mom’s territory. Of course that doesn’t tell much how long it took to sail from Zou to Wano, because Jack needed to be rescue from the bottom of sea first (after Elephant destroyed all ships of Beast Pirates on Momonosuke’s order, chapter 824) but at the same time it suggests that journey from Wano and back took days. To find Jack, the Kaido’s people most likely followed the vivre card - otherwise, how did they manage to find and rescue the person stuck deep underwater? And because they traveled through their captain’s territory, they didn’t need to avoid anyone in their journey, unlike the alliance.

Though it’s impossible to determine how long time passed from Luffy leaving Zou to arriving in Wano, it was longer than a week yet the most likely shorter than a month. I feel like the safest bet is something around two weeks. When Luffy arrived in Wano, Zoro’s group was already working on their tasks yet the indirect information suggests that Kinemon’s group most likely traveled for a few(?) days rather than just hours. Whatever it was a few hours or one day or more, the Zoro and Law’s group was stuck in enclosed space deep under water for a while.

➽ The manga does not provide a precise scale to measure Thousand Sunny with Polar Tang. The closest in that matter are frames from Marineford and Dressrosa arcs

in which both Polar Tang and Thousand Sunny look tiny compared to Marine Battleship. It’s hard to tell for sure the difference in length but it’s not something truly drastic. Thousand Sunny uses a soldier dock system and the Coup de Burst in specific situations, relying mainly on sailing in a traditional way. Although Submarine is also equipped with sails, more often was shown during immersion. Both boats are equipped with some advanced technology though I suspect that engines and machinery for air circulation and heat (the basic life support equipment) built into Polar Tang may take some of space (that and at least some space was intended for the operating room).

➽ Even if Law’s Polar Tang was spacious boat, it needed to accommodate Heart Pirates (Law and his 20 crewmembers), samurais (Kinemon, Momonosuke, Raizo and Kanjuro) and remaining part of Straw Hats (Zoro, Robin, Usopp, Franky). An eight additional people to feed and bunk somewhere, in case of a longer journey. For record, Thousand Sunny during its journey to Dressrosa carried only 9 Straw Hats and four additional people (Law, Momonosuke, Kinemon, Caesar Clown). Even if both ships are more or less of the same size, Sunny hadn’t been crowded like Polar Tang was while heading to Wano.

➽ In contrast to normally sailing Thousand Sunny, the submerged submarine has less space to find privacy (isolation) from the group or the noise. All members of Straw Hat crew have their personal space on the ship, be it Usopp’s Factory or Sanji’s kitchen or Zoro’s gym (lookout point). A place they may work in peace or relax. On Polar Tang, samurais and Straw Hats were the guests, thus on personal territory of other pirates. If they didn’t get along well, the journey could be awkward and uncomfortable. Most likely it wasn’t, considering how Heart Pirates were excited to meet their allies and the two crews already were partying together on Zou. At the same time, during that party, the lonely panel (evidence) showed only Usopp interacting with Penguin(?). Zoro was drinking with wolf Mink, while Robin, Franky and samurais weren’t there at all. The little bits of Law’s crew presented in the previous arc suggest they are more emotionally open and easy going people than their captain and both crews have a lot of stories to share and laugh about during their journey to bond over. Usopp and Franky most likely didn’t have any problem fitting into the new situation, but Zoro is a much more reserved, no-nonsense person than them, especially around strangers. Much more intimidating too. And the last journey with Bartolomeo’s crew proved how short-tempered he can be if surrounded by noisy and/or idiotic people for too long.

➽ Straw Hats for the first time had a chance to see Law on his turf. Up to this moment, they interacted on either neutral, enemy or Straw Hats’ home ground. Now the roles were reserved, Law was the host and captain of the submarine. Kinemon may be the leader of the team, but during the journey it was Trafalgar (and Heart Pirates) that guaranteed safety and took responsibility for the wellbeing of the rest. Straw Hats were the ones who needed to adapt to the situation (like not getting in the way of Heart Pirates when the crew performed their duties) and trust Heart Pirates’ navigation skills.

➽ Adding to that, all the additional 8 people weren’t really accustomed to traveling underwater for longer period of time. Of course, Straw Hats had some experiences with the little submarine built by Franky but from all of them (beside maybe Franky himself), only Robin, at least manga-wise, took part in submerging search for Fishman Island, two years earlier - what was seen in chapter 490. And was apparently aware of the danger submerging too deeply.

All Straw Hats experienced submerging to Fishman Island but according to Nico, it was “nothing like a submarine” and it felt like they were “flying through the air” (chapter 604).

Which may imply that traveling in Law’s submarine was very new and/or different experiences to what Straw Hats knew.

➽ Also, out of 8 people, half were devil fruit users. We may only wonder how spending hours/days underwater could affect samurais (who were still catching up with the technological change that happened in the last 20 years) and Robin - and depending on the result, affecting Zoro, Usopp and Franky. Like was mentioned above, Robin already had some experiences with submerging but we must remember that “Shark Submerge III” was built by Franky, thus trusted to be a safe way of exploring the ocean while Polar Tang was totally new, alien territory belonging to other pirate crew. Once again, we don’t know how long the journey lasted and how enclosed and crowded space was and how being trapped for a longer period of time under water was affecting devil fruit users. Claustrophobia and panic attacks could happen at any moment, even more if the submarine was attacked by sea monsters or flowed into an excessively strong current. Law presumably was used to the feeling and enclosed space by now but at the same time, his crew so far doesn’t seem to have any other devil fruit user beside him. Traveling together with so many (inexperienced) stranger devil fruit users could be much more exhausting than it seemed at first glance.

➽➽ Frankly, the additional scene in episode 490 showed that:

A) living conditions on the submarine can be affected by external factors. In this case, the submarine going through an underwater volcanic(?) region caused the rise of temperature inside the boat and thus brough discomfort to Heart Pirates.

B) The living conditions worsened to the point Bepo was suffering overheating. He admitted “I hate riding the submarine. Spending several hours in a cramped area together with these scruffy guys.” and even kinda bullied Penguin and Shachi into submarine ascent so he could breath with fresh air.

We don’t know much about the underwater region(s) between Zou and Wano but manga mentioned at least strong sea currents. Depending how deep the submarine could - or rather needed - to submerge, the outside temperature (and pressure) of water could affect traveling people. Generally, the deeper into the ocean, the temperature is lower while the hydrostatic pressure increases. Of course, waters of the Grand Line are unpredictable and there was no one in the group that knew for sure what awaited them during underwater travel. So if even experienced Heart Pirate like Bepo, who according to SBS (vol. 84, chapter 840) met Law shorty after Cora’s death and is his friend since then thus we may assume has the same years of experiences with submarine, could be so affected by heat, cramped area and hours of traveling underwater with “scruffy guys”, the possibility of happening something similar to Straw Hats or Samurais can’t be excluded.

➽ In contrast to the uncertain situation of devil fruit users, Franky and Usopp most likely were smitten with all the technology of the submarine and bonding over it with Heart Pirates. In addition, both men were friendly by nature.

➽ Zoro, sadly, wouldn't have much to do there. No lookout point available, no guarding ship, no way for a serious trening or real fight with Law or samurais (to avoid destroying the submerged boat). Did he happily sleep or drink through the journey or did he grow restless at some point, we don’t have any clue so far. At the same time, Zoro wasn’t on his (safe) ship, had other Straw Hats (and samurais) to look after, didn’t have anything important to do (no real duties, no knowledge how to maintain submarine) and unhealthy habit of sleeping barely 3 hours per day that could finally took its toll. Though looking at Law’s dark circles under eyes, his sleeping habits may not be better than Zoro's .

In general, the alliance journey to Wano could provide a lot of interesting and important details about the development of Law and Zoro relationship, especially since for the first time in the four arcs, Law was on his home ground and had better control over the course of events. At the same time, his dorky crew could tell many stories of their (and Law’s) past or previous adventures. There were also matters of Wano to discuss, but also no place to run away if Zoro wanted some distance from noisy Law’s crewmembers - on Thousand Sunny Law at least could choose to sleep on the ship deck instead of being cramped with others in the men quarter. Straw Hats and samurais didn’t have such luxury.

Zoro and Law could learn something new about each other or simply fall into an already established dynamic or even get tired of each other after being forced to spend time together in enclosed space. Sadly, so far manga did not provide anything useful about their journey.

The next part: Zoro & Luffy Means Troubles...

#one piece #roronoa zoro #trafalgar law #The development of Law’s relationship with Zoro #wano arc #i'm impatient #which is why i'm slowly writting this meta even though arc is not done yet #i'm so mad that we don't know how straw hats heart pirates and samurais were dealing with each other #on this tiny submarine #trapped under water #como on that is a crime against readers!#one piee spoilers #zoro & law #law & zoro

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kk095 · 4 years

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Candice's Acute PE

Candice was a 44 year old white woman, standing at 5'6 with a pleasantly plump build, shoulder-length brown hair, and brown eyes. Candice was always a history buff, so it’s no surprise that she worked as a history teacher at the local high school. Outside of work, she was married to her husband John for the past 12 years. The two of them never had kids, but Candice often joked that her students counted as her kids.

Candice didn’t have any significant medical history, but had been experiencing shortness of breath and heart palpitations on and off for approximately 3 weeks prior to the incident, and attributed her symptoms to the day to day stress of being a teacher.

Yesterday, Candice was brought to our emergency department after being found semi conscious and struggling to breathe in her classroom after school by the school’s janitor. The medics informed our emergency department that they set up 2 large bore IVs and hung a bag of normal saline, gave her nitro for her chest pain, and put her on an o2 mask with high flow oxygen. “Please… call John…” she said weakly to the medics while they prepped her for transport. The medics told her that the ER staff would get ahold of her husband, but that didn’t reassure her at all. “call him… I have to see him before I die!” she replied in a weak, wobbly voice. The medics told her she wasn’t going to die and that she was in good hands, but Candice had an impending sense of doom.

During the ride over to the hospital, Candice’s condition worsened. Her eyes were teary as she continued gasping for air. She began the cough up blood, which sprayed the inside of the o2 mask. She began coughing up larger amounts of blood, so the medics suctioned out her mouth while she continued to cough and hack away. Even though the medics cleared her airway of blood, she continued to frantically gasp for air. Her vital signs were also dropping rapidly despite the medics' attempts to stabilize her.

Suddenly, Candice’s cries and gasps stopped. She let out a calm exhale and her eyes opened wide, drifting off into unconsciousness. The heart monitors displayed pulseless electrical activity, so the medics had to start coding the 44 year old in the back of the ambulance. The medic in the back of the ambulance set up the Lucas thumper so they’d be able to multitask more easily.

Once the Lucas thumper was wet up, it began delivering perfect, mechanical chest compressions. Candice’s chest caved in, and her large, natural breasts jiggled in sync with the machine’s motions. The medic then injected doses of epinephrine and atropine into the teacher’s IV in an attempt to obtain a shockable rhythm. The next step was to intubate her. A 7.0 ET tube was carefully navigated into her airway during ongoing compressions. This was a bit of a moving target for the paramedic, but they were able to successfully place the breathing tube and secure it with a blue tube holder. Once the ambu bag was attached, the medic started bagging her while the Lucas thumper did its work.

The first handful of cycles proved ineffective since Candice remained in PEA, so the next round of drugs were pushed intravenously at the 3 minute mark of the code. After just one more cycle of ambu bagging and Lucas compressions, Candice converted to v-fib. The medic gelled the defibrillator paddles and began charging them. Once the paddles were ready, the Lucas was paused and the paddles were placed up against the patient’s bare chest, and a 250j shock was delivered. Candice’s body jolted violently in response to the shock, but failed to produce a change. The medic resumed the Lucas compressions while they gelled and recharged the defibs to 300j. Moments later he paddles were ready and the next shock was delivered. Candice’s back arched, thrusting her chest into the air while her eyes stared lifelessly above. Once again, this shock failed to convert her out of v-fib, so a 360j shock was delivered shortly after. This shock caused Candice’s feet to leap up above the gurney before slamming back down a second later, showing off the thick, soft wrinkles throughout the soles of her size 9 feet. The third shock sent the cute teacher back into PEA, so the medic resumed the Lucas thumper.

Candice arrived at the emergency department a few minutes later and was still in PEA despite Lucas thumper compressions and another dose of epinephrine and atropine, having a total down time of 6 minutes at that point.

After the medics informed the ER team of the situation, they removed the Lucas thumper and let the ER staff take over. A nurse began deep, harsh chest compressions on the patient, causing her head to loll and her belly to bounce outwards from the residual force of each individual compression.

With CPR ongoing, the attending physician ordered a battery of blood tests: a CBC, BMP, tox screen, cardiac enzyme test, and a d-dimer. After all the blood was drawn and sent off to the lab for stat testing, a chest x ray was performed. The x ray showed a 2.8cm right atrial dilation, but no other noteworthy findings. Because of the right atrial dilation, the ER attending ordered an echocardiogram. The echo further confirmed the right atrial dilation, but didn’t show evidence of any other conditions on the short list of diagnoses such as: major STEMI, thoracic aorta or SVC aneurysm, or structural heart defects. The attending thought this was either a PE or a bleed in the lungs from undiagnosed pulmonary artery hypertension. The treatments for these 2 conditions are very different from one another and the wrong treatment could exacerbate things, so the ER team’s goal was to obtain ROSC and send her off to radiology for a chest CT angiogram.

Around the 10 minute mark of the code, Candice converted back to v-fib. The orange defib pads were stuck onto her bare chest and the electric whirring of the defibs being charged could be heard amongst the organized chaos in the room. When the paddles were ready to go, they were pressed up against Candice’s chest and a 300j shock was delivered. Her body flopped quickly on the table as the jolt of electricity coursed through her lifeless body. V-fib remained on the monitors, so a cycle of chest compressions were delivered while the paddles were readied for the next shock.

A short while later, the paddles were recharged and a 360j shock was promptly delivered. Candice’s arms and legs bounced around in response to the shock. This shock sent the 44 year old history teacher back into PEA, so CPR was resumed.

The nurses pumped away at Candice’s chest cover the coming minutes to no avail. Her ET tube began to fill up with blood, so the ambu bag was detached and the tube was suctioned out in order to obtain a clear airway. The suction tube made a slurping sound while it withdrew both fresh blood and clotted blood from the patient’s airway. After a few quick rounds of suction, the airway was restored and the ambu bag was reattached and the code continued.

Candice continued to receive deep, violent chest compressions. Her flabby torso jiggled around, and her left arm hung off the side of the table, bouncing slightly, in sync with the CPR that was being performed. The next dose of meds were injected into her IV, but the ER team began to grow less and less optimistic as more time went on.

It took another 5 and a half minutes, but Candice converted back to v-fib at the 17 minute mark of the code. Once again, the paddles were charged and pressed up against the history teacher’s bare chest. Once everyone backed away, 300 joules of electricity were sent back into Candice’s dying body. The shock forced the 44 year old’s limp body to twitch abruptly in response to the jolt of electricity. Once again, Candice wasn’t able to be shocked out of v-fib, so the team recharged the paddles and hit her again at 360. Her toes scrunched, wrinkling the soles of her feet; post shock, her toes relaxed from their clenched position. Another unsuccessful shock was delivered before Candice once again converted back to PEA.

One of the nurses resumed CPR on Candice. They could feel her cold, clammy skin through their gloved hands as they pumped the cute history teacher’s chest repeatedly. Candice’s chest was red and bruised from several broken ribs and the constant, forceful pressing of her sternum. Her eyes remained wide open, with a blank, lifeless stare up above while her head bobbed around slightly from the compressions.

Candice was given another dose of meds at the 19 minute mark of the code, and converted to v-fib 2 minutes later. The ER team shocked Candice 3 more times, and coded her for another 5 minutes to no avail. Despite the ER staff’s best efforts, time of death was called on Candice at 15:53 while she was still in v-fib after a 26 minute code.

The ambu bag was detached and the chirping heart monitors were turned off. The nurses shut Candice’s eyes for the final time and began plucking the EKG electrodes off her bare, battered chest. The orange defib pads were peeled off and her body was covered up with a sheet, only leaving her feet exposed. A toe tag was placed on the big toe of her left foot before she was sent up to the hospital morgue.

The autopsy revealed a series of small blood clots in the smaller blood vessels of the lungs, explaining Candice’s 3 week history of symptoms. However, a large blood clot was found lodged in the right pulmonary artery, explaining her right sided heart issues and sudden deterioration. If Candice sought treatment earlier, it’s very likely she would have survived, making the case even more sad for all of those involved.

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cocktail-party-in-an-abattoir · 3 years

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In Memoriam Herschel (2005-2021)

It was the late summer/early autumn of 2005. I was 16 years old. I went to a friend’s house for a get-together with other friends. She lived in a more rural area, so stray cats were not uncommon. One of these strays had recently birthed a litter of kittens. They were corralled into a blocked-off area in my friend’s den. Naturally, we all gravitated towards the kittens. We spent a good while petting them, playing with them, holding them, and watching them with their mother. A particular kitten was a gray and white tabby. This kitten had made its way towards me and tried to crawl up one of my jean legs. I was wearing bootcut jeans, so it actually managed it. I was immediately drawn to this kitten, the idea of asking my parents if we could keep it already forming.

While my friends and I were playing with them, we decided to give them all smartass, noncommittal names. None of us could sex kittens, so that was reflected in the names we chose. I named the gray and white tabby (of which there were two, but I zeroed in on the jean leg kitten) “Herschel.” Why? Well, when I was eight or nine, I used to play House with friends. I had heard the name “Herschel” on some sitcom, and I liked the sound of it. So, I often named my fake son “Herschel.” This became an inside joke between my best friend and me.

Back at home, I asked my mom if we could adopt the kitten. She had veto power. She was kind of hesitant at first but eventually relented. A few weeks later my friend and her mom brought the kitten over to my house. By that point I was already seriously referring to it as “Herschel.” We all just kind of assumed it was male. The first thing Herschel did after getting out of the carrying case was hide behind one of our bookcases and stayed there.

We took Herschel to the vet. Upon examination the vet tech proclaimed he was, in fact, she. Her exact words were “You have a little girl!” For better or for worse, I was committed to “Herschel” (much to my mom’s chagrin), so from then on, I had a girl cat with a boy name. This led to years of various people (mostly veterinary staff) getting her sex wrong. I don’t know that I ever bothered correcting them because, well, they were going to find out the truth soon enough.

Between 2005 and 2010, Herschel grew from a kitten with what my mom described as “Yoda ears” into a gorgeous young lady. She had the most beautiful green eyes. People always had nice things to say about her looks. She had an adorable bow-legged gait from the beginning. She grew into an affectionate little cuddle-bug once she adjusted to us. She was wary of strangers, which was probably for the best. She did not like to go outside as much as our older cat, Simba (RIP)—especially after being treed once—but she was a very skilled huntress. She even managed to get two hummingbirds. Obviously, I’m not a fan of such “presents,” but I couldn’t help but be impressed by her prowess.

In 2007, we adopted 2 labs named Olive and Penny (RIP x2). 2010, we adopted two fluffy black kittens from our vet’s office. We named them Buttercup and Licorice (RIP x2). Herschel respected Simba because of his seniority, but she absolutely despised the other pets. She would growl and hiss at them on sight. Because of this, the dogs had to stay downstairs while the cats had free rein upstairs. By 2012, Buttercup had gone missing, and we had adopted two more animals: a cat named Kid Twist (“Twist” for short) and a blue heeler named Bleu. Herschel did not care for them either. That same year my parents moved one state over, and I moved to a nearby city to stay with a family friend. The Menagerie went with my parents.

One day in 2013 or 2014 my mom commented about how Herschel hid under a guest room bed much of the time. She would only come out to do her business or eat. Since the dogs had free rein over the entire house, this meant there was no real “safe space” for Herschel. Thus, her reclusiveness. Mom was worried about her well-being. I offered to take Herschel under my wing. Mom agreed. Now, my housemate already had a few cats, so it wasn’t perfect, but it was an improvement over a house with dogs. Herschel had been under my care since.

In 2015 Herschel moved with me into the apartment I currently live in. Despite my apartment’s smallness, she was finally the one cat in a one-cat home. I had stopped letting her out because a) my apartment complex is positively labyrinthine b) the complex is next to a busy highway, and c) I wanted her to live longer and not harm any wildlife (although her hunting days were behind her). She didn’t seem to mind. For the next few years, she was my kitty comrade. Aside from some dental issues and a heart murmur, she always had a clean bill of health. I honestly thought she was going to live as long as Simba had (18, almost 19) because he was also a spry geriatric cat.

In late 2020, Herschel was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. She had been growing thinner and vomiting before I found out. I had to start giving her medication twice per day, but there was otherwise no change. She was still the empress I knew and loved, if a little slower. I thought that was going to be it. Then, earlier this year, the vet ran some more tests. While I had managed to lower her thyroid levels, the vet found another problem: chronic kidney disease. My blood ran cold upon hearing this because one of our pet labs, Olive, had died from kidney failure a few years prior. The vet told me while there was no cure, CKD could be managed with diet changes and medication. He was right, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case with Herschel. She quickly went from stage 3 to stage 4 (4 being the end stage). I still kick myself about this because I feel like I could’ve found out sooner. Anyway, the vet suggested I should have Herschel hospitalized for a couple of days with IV fluids. The idea was to basically rehydrate her and then start a regimen of a new diet, supplements, and medication.

So, I waited outside for three hours until a hospital staff member came to collect Herschel. It would’ve been longer, but my very kind vet called ahead. A couple of days later my mom and I returned to the hospital to wait for Herschel. It was March 25th, my birthday. One of the vets called me and stated despite the diuresis, Herschel’s stats remained the same. She stated I had probably 2 weeks left with her. I knew she was right, but I was still determined to try. I gave her daily cocktails of medication. I learned how to give her subcutaneous injections to hydrate her. I got the prescription wet food. At first, she had more okay days than bad, but it eventually became clear she was circling the drain. Treatment transformed into hospice care. I was going to do everything possible to keep her comfortable. By the end she was incontinent and no longer eating or drinking. Then she stopped being able to walk. I knew I had to make the final appointment. After a long crying session, I did.

My mom came to help yesterday. Herschel was mostly immobile and out of it. Not even her favorite prosciutto roused her. I swaddled her in a changing pad and a blanket and slept with her next to me for one more night. She was still alive this morning if barely. Before we were set to go to her final appointment, I played her Sugarloaf’s “Green-Eyed Lady” (which will always remind me of her) and Audrey Hepburn’s version of “Moon River.” As my mom and I went to prepare her for the appointment, we realized how still she was. She did not appear to be breathing, and she did not react to anything we did. I took a flashlight to her pupils and… she was gone. She had died peacefully on my couch, which was one of her favorite spots to lounge. Honestly, I was relieved because the thought of taking her to a strange place to be euthanized frankly distressed me. I cuddled her ragdoll body from then until we were sitting in the vet office’s parking lot. Mom got a chance to hold her, too. A vet tech came out, used her stethoscope, and confirmed what we already knew. After a few more minutes with her we said our last goodbyes. I filled out paperwork confirming I wanted her ashes returned to me with a clay pawprint.

I want Herschel’s ashes buried on my parents’ property with the others. Maybe a little farther away since she did not like most of them. I’m also looking into urn jewelry so I can carry her with me. This cat saw me at some of my lowest points, including when I was furloughed from my job last year. This cat was sweet and affectionate but also a pesky little shit. This cat was the first living being I was fully responsible for. She somehow managed to be regal while shoving her butthole into your face. If she liked you, she came and sat with you. If she didn’t, she hid behind the washing machine. I’m convinced she was part slug because even at her largest she was able to fit into confined spaces. I will miss her trilling meows. She was beautiful to the end, and I will always love her and miss her. I don’t know if there is an afterlife or not, but if there is, I hope she has endless king crab and prosciutto to snack on.

#personalcocktail #pet death cw

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hardyimagines · 5 years

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Intruder — Part 2

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Hi could would you be interested in writing a Bane fic were he and one or two of his men need to hideout, and they come across this home kinda of hidden away or in an isolated area and a girl lives there on her own. He decides to keep her alive and eventually they fall for each other. I'd also like him to to be kinda mean and dominant. + She has to stay in main room with bane so he can make sure she doesn't escape😉 I'm sensing a smutty imagine. I like my bane a Dom with choking of course. I don't ask for much do I 🤣🤣

Part 1

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A few days came and went. That was the biggest lie you’d ever been told in your life. A few days meant 2, maybe 3. It didn’t mean 26.

They’d been staying with you for almost a month.

Bane was far more protective over you then he’d initially intended on being. He had thought he’d set some ground rules and that would be it. He didn’t expect to be lurking around every corner, watching you tend to laundry and dishes, ensuring that neither Larry or Oscar even dared to stare at you. He felt a constant need to watch, fascinated by something so simple as another human. His eyes danced with sympathy when he saw sadness strike your expression. He felt pangs of guilt, emotions he’d thought had been buried. It made him sick to his stomach. He was a bad guy. That’s how everyone viewed him. He wasn’t suppose to feel regret. And since he did, why didn’t he leave? Well, because then he’d never see you again. And it was so safe here, why leave?

The forks cluttered as you noisily dropped them into the opened wooden drawer. All of the cutlery was messily placed together in that one area, shoved so tightly in the space that it was difficult to shut the drawer. It took a few tries, harsh slams, before it unwillingly closed. You lifted your gaze to the man in the corner, lips twitching upward in the slightest to bid him good morning. You didn’t like Bane. You simply tolerated him. You didn’t have a say on whether or not he should stay or go, you just had to deal with what he chose to do. Your brain pricked and pried at the thumping of your heart, begging to know why it was beating heavily beneath his unwavering stare. You wouldn’t find the answer, not when the reminder of ‘I don’t like Bane’ contradicted the hammering of your artery.

Bane stepped into the room, short fingertips, coated in embedded dirt, tracing the tabletop that had recently been cleaned. He watched the little sway of your hips as you scrubbed at the dishes in the sink. He lied to himself daily, insisting that he didn’t feel anything for you. You were just a hostage. A girl who’s home he needed to use. But the cops were long gone, no longer looking in this area. He’d gone off the radar and he was free to go. But he kept you under the impression that he had to stay.

“Morning.” Your quiet voice greeted. It was so welcoming, like a soft breeze on a hot day, urging him to come out and enjoy the nice weather, only in this case, your tone urged him to venture further into the room. He did. The bottoms of his boots were thick with leather, rough against the tile in the kitchen. He’d never be able to silently approach, for the shoes on his feet sounded like he walked with boulders tied to his ankles.

He let out a hoarse grunt. It was drawn out, more of a drone, as he stepped toward the table further. Coffee mugs were set out, empty and clean, awaiting the beverage that simmered in the corner. Steam rose from the pot, alerting the thirsty occupants in the room that the liquid was hot enough to burn them, but was ready to be ingested. Bane looked toward the pot before looking back toward you as he set himself down on the corner of the table. Why settle for a chair? You looked briefly to his position before rotating around. He scrutinized you, remaining silent as you weaved around his outspread legs in order to tend to the remaining duties. When he’d first arrived, he’d made it clear that you’d never be allowed to be on your own, but within just a few days, he had seen how trusting you were. He’d let his guard down. And so far, that wasn’t a mistake. Granting you your independence meant that you didn’t feel so trapped, you had some amount of freedom. Sleeping was the only time you had no choice of receiving any privacy.

“Where are the others?” He asked suddenly. Your grip on the rag tightened, accidentally wringing the cloth. Water spilt on the floor, droplets of it staining the wood as you stood a few feet away from him. Eyeing the little dribbles, your eyes lifted to his, studying him.

“Outside.” Your answers were always short and sweet. “I think they saw a fox.” Your words made your heart hurt. There was no need to harm an animal, the creatures around here minded their business and because you’d never bothered them, they tended to come close, stealing the leftovers from your opened trash can. What a mistake it had been to leave the bin open that morning. You’d never seen two men move so quickly, laughing like hyenas as they raced after their prey. Your jaw clenched before you resumed cleaning the countertops. “No use in chasing down an innocent pup, Ive got plenty of food.” Bane squinted before looking toward the window. There was no sign of either of them.

“I wouldn’t worry too much,” He spoke, words followed by the rough groaning of the table as it’s legs scraped the floor. He grumbled out before pushing the table back into its original position. “neither of them are too smart — or too quick.” He brushed his finger along the front of his vest before moving toward you. Cleaning seemed to be all you did. And that had only begun once they arrived because bane still vividly remembered the filthy rooms that the home had had when they first arrived. You sent him a light smile of thanks for his attempt at reassurance before stepping around him again. His palm shot forward, ceasing your wrist in his surprisingly tender grip. You looked up at him curiously. Fear wasn’t present in your eyes and it made him want to hit you. Nobody had ever looked at him — a man who wasn’t understood, a man with a mask, with a built body, capable of crushing someone with the fist he had wrapped around your arm — with such sincerity. Why weren’t you scared of him? Those pools of blue ignited with an emotion you weren’t familiar with. “Why do you live up here? All on your own?” You reminded him of himself. Tucked away in a sewer was the same as being on top of a mountain. No distractions, no arguments, no nuisances — apart from his men. Your plump lips pressed together as you pondered his words.

“I like the quiet.” He almost smiled. His heavy, harsh breaths filled the silent room. He didn’t pry further, he sensed that was the best answer he’d be able to get from you. “Why are you on the run from the law?” Your question made him freeze. The hand on your wrist shifted before falling away from you.

“I’m not on the run.” He explained. “I’m simply hiding out while my home is invaded.”

“For a month?” His eyes shot to you. Where did this bravery come from? He was use to your silence.

“For as long as it takes.” His tone was deeper, harsher, a cue for you to be quiet and stop asking so many questions. You did so without much complaint.

The rag in your hand was dropped in the dirty clothes basket beside the counter. Fingertips skimming the handle, you inspected the amount of washing you had to do before with a soft hum, you shut the lid and looked toward the man. He was fixated on staring at the steaming pot of coffee. He eyed the droplets of condensation that raced along the sides of the glass before, when he felt your prying eyes, he looked toward you. The both of you stared at one another, blue eyes latched on to pools of curiosity. He tipped his head to the side, a silent inquiry, but you didn’t speak. Your hand traced the counter as you passed before you dipped out of the room and moved into the den.

Reading was your favorite part of the day. Curled up on the edge of the sofa with your elbow on the arm and your finger twisted around a lock of your hair. Bane would eventually set a glass of lemonade down on the coffee table when he passed, no words exchanged, just a glance before he made his way outside. You were growing to enjoy his company. It wasn’t threatening like it had been when he’d first arrived. You sat, glasses low on the bridge of your nose with a yellow-covered book opened on your lap. It was easy to get lost in the story, absentmindedly drinking the beverage he had grown accustomed to making for you. Not too sweet, not too sour. This was how you stayed for majority of the day, only disappearing into the kitchen when it was time to make dinner.

You were beginning to wonder if you’d been so lonely that this — getting along with intruders — was your only means of happiness.

It was a week later when a fourth intruder showed up. You were stood in the corridor, adjusting the crooked framed that hung on the tan walls. Family didn’t reside in the frames, images of flowers or pretty scenery’s did. You had a habit of fixing what didn’t necessarily need to be fixed. You’d stand in the hall for an hour, adjusting the angle repeatedly until you’d found it in yourself to stop. But today Bane stopped you.

His grip on you was harsh and rough, unrelenting in its secure hold. He shoved you into the bedroom and shut the door loudly. Your words fell on deaf ears, eyes wide and desperate. Demanding to know what the hell he was doing and why he was holding you so aggressively.

“Shut up.” Bane hissed out. His hand lifted to your mouth, covering it swiftly with his palm. You whimpered against his flesh. His skin was rough, dry, but it smelled pleasant. The scent of burning wood filled your nostrils, it was stained in his flesh from all the heavy-lifting he’d been doing earlier that week. “Listen to me.” Their was a hidden warning in his tone. “Listen.” He shook you roughly, noting the faraway look in your eye. “That man,” monster. “will not hesitate to take advantage of you.” Your chest lifted with your shaky inhale. “And damned as I am, I’m nowhere near as bad as he is,” His grip on you slackened in the slightest. “so you’d better learn and learn quick, that you’re going to have to play my little game.” Confusion swam in your gaze, words building in your throat as you prepped yourself to ask for clarification.

“Bane!” A chortle sounded from the opposite side of the door. “Come on out, now, I just wanna see her.” The doorknob rattled beneath the frantic grip of whomever the bloke was on the other side.

“I don’t share.” Bane was much calmer. His eyes were glued to yours as he spoke up. “Let her be, Zander, she’s of no use to you.” You pulled your bottom lip in so you could suckle on it, chest beginning to heave. Your mouth opened again, ready to speak, but Zander beat you to it.

“A hostage is a hostage. That’s shared territory.” The entire door shook again. “Now let me in!” Bane lifted his hand to his face. Tracing the mask that covered his lips, his eyes closed. He doubted you’d pick up on what he was hinting at because of how silly he felt, he was incapable of bluntly saying ‘act like you’re with me’. No matter what though, he wouldn’t let Zander hurt you. He felt oddly attached. Bane shifted slowly before moving his calloused fingers to your soft cheek. He traced the warm surface, eyes gliding between your shimmering orbs. The door flew open, effectively ruining the moment. Zander stepped forward, tongue hungrily tracing his lips which were very much accessible and easy to use — unlike Bane’s. “Come here, darling, I don’t bite.” He snickered loudly.

Bane gripped your hand and drew you into his chest. His eyes warned you to search for some common sense, and once you’d found it, you did all that you could think of to do. Your body lifted, tiptoes steadily supporting your weight. Your hands found the sides of his cheeks and your mouth pressed against his. To tear the thing off and kiss him like you should was too risky. Afterall, nobody knew what would happen. Despite the fact that bane couldn’t feel your lips, he could feel your chest as it pressed to his own. Your shallow breaths and warm fingertips. He hooked his arm around you and held you close to him.

“Now, now.” Zander cut in once more. “Let me have a taste.” Bane drew back sharply, fingers sinking into your lower back.

“Out, Zander. I said, she’s not to be messed with.” The tone of voice made it clear that Bane was being serious. The warmth from his fingertips seeped through the blouse you wore. “Go.” He nudged you gently to the corner. “Sit.” You blindly moved backward, but you kept a close eye on the man in the doorway who hadn’t tore his eyes from your body. You moved to the bed, dropping down on the edge of it before you pressed your knees together and watched the scene unfold.

“Since when do you care about a hostage?” Zander inquired. Undoing the gloves that were laced securely around his wrists, he tucked the leathered material away into the deep pocket of his coat before finally looking toward Bane. Bane was his boss and whatever the man said went, but Zander was known to be disobedient. He loved trouble.

“We don’t hurt women.” Bane ground out. The entire room seemingly shook beneath the force of his footsteps. The lamp in the corner unsteadily wobbled and the stack of books threatened to collapse on the floor. “We don’t even take women. This was accidental. The house was suppose to be empty.”

“But it weren’t.” Zander ushered to you.

You pulled your bottom lip in nervously. Trying to tune the men out was impossible. You were picking up on everything they said. They didn’t typically take women as hostages — and the only reason they’d taken you is because you were inside the house. Your fingers itched, you wanted to bury them in your ears and drown out their deep voices. But that made you look weak and you were far from that. The bed creaked beneath your movements, crumpled comforter tempting to grab ahold of to bite back the nerves in your stomach. You eyed Zander.

Freckles coated his skin. Every inch of his face cradled a brown spot. His nose was covered the most, pointed like a witch’s nose. His eyes were seemingly kind, green and bright, but the deeper you looked, the more deceitful they became. Black locks, sprinkled with speckles of sand from where it looked like he’d been rolling around in the dirt outside. His cheeks held extra fat, chubby opposed to hollow. It was a characteristic most people seemed to have, no sunken, hollow spaces, just a rounded surface. Red hue’s coated his skin which gave him the effect of a blushing schoolboy or a tantrum-throwing toddler. His teeth were missing in various places, snaggled in the places where they still resided. He had long eyelashes, and a scar along one of his eyelids. You were sure he would’ve been rather charming if his personality didn’t absolutely clash with his appearance. Externally he was nice to look at, but his personality made him absolutely hideous. You tore your eyes away from him when he took a step forward. His chest was visible through the shirt he wore, undone down to the middle of his rib cage. More scars could be seen in the gaps of the thin fabric. He looked about 27, as precise as that was, he didn’t look old enough to be 30, and he carried too many bags beneath his eyes and pain in his gaze to be younger.

Bane defensively stepped to the side to halt the man from going any further. Bane. He was at least mid-30’s. His cheeks weren’t chubby, but they weren’t hollow like the movie star’s. He had scars on his back, deep gashes that were deeply embedded in the tough tissue. You’d seen them when he’d removed his shirt for bed — rarely doing so — only when it was a particularly hot night. His scalp was bald. He didn’t ever shave it though, so you assumed it just didn’t grow. His skin, though it appeared rough, was soft. You’d spent countless nights tracing the bulging biceps when you couldn’t sleep. It was absentminded, just little caresses you’d given him because you couldn’t give yourself over to exhaustion. He liked the touches. Goosebumps would rise on his skin, visible and feelable beneath your fingertips. It wasn’t like you were sleeping with him, but you might as well have been. Oscar and Larry thought you were, seeing as bane was far too protective over a hostage.

Mornings were spent on the porch, tucked away on the sturdy swing. It was a long bench, one that held you and bane with no problem. He had a tendency to lay his arms out wide, opened so you could lay against his side with your head on his shoulder and a coffee mug in your hands, cradled to your chest. He protected you from the cool breezes that accompanied the rising sun.

He helped you with gardening. With fixing lunch. With cleaning. He was always a step behind you, lurking and following like a lost puppy. At first, you’d been threatened. You’d felt like you had no space and like the man simply didn’t trust you, but now, it was comforting. He wasn’t doing the tasks because he didn’t want to awkwardly stand, he wanted to be helpful. He wanted to take some of the stress off your shoulders. You didn’t feel like a hostage anymore and that alone scared you more than the fear in your belly at the present moment.

Zander inhaled deeply. The sound was infused with annoyance. He clearly wasn’t going to get to you, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. He took a small step backward before narrowing his eyes when bane spoke up again.

“I won’t tell you again to let her be.” He pressed his closed fist against his opened palm, cracking his stiff knuckles. “And if you dare try anything, I promise, I will not hesitate to kill you.” The threat wasn’t empty. Friends made the same threats. Siblings did. Family members, threatening playfully to harm another human with no true intention of following through. Amusement would trickle in the words, alerting whomever one was speaking to that ‘ill kill you’ was another way of saying, ‘seriously, don’t do this’. But bane was serious. The threat was low and heavy. The very words made a shiver run along your spine. It was evident Zander believed him, but you still saw the tint of want in the boy’s gaze. Bane clenched his jaw before watching as the bloke left the room.

His heavy boot kicked the wood shut. It didn’t close perfectly because zander had broken the hinges, but it closed enough. Bane turned around to face you, expression softening and tense body relaxing. He made his way toward you, boots thudding against the carpet quietly before he lowered himself down at your side.

“He won’t mess with you.” Bane was positive.

“You don’t know that.” Your voice shook in the slightest. “He could sneak in when you’re sleeping, or sneak up on me when you’re out.” Bane shook his head lightly.

“That boy isn’t going to mess with you.” He reiterated. “I promise.” His hand found yours, resting on the bed. He gripped it gently, tenderly. Your ears stung with his previous words of this being a ‘little game’, but then, tucked away in private, why was he still touching you? His palm was rough to the touch as he lazily caressed your skin. For such a mean and powerful person, he was tender with you in his own way. Part of you wondered if he just loved ownership and possession, but even if that were the case, you weren’t sure you’d be bothered. He wasn’t treating you bad. Your eyes closed and your body shuffled closer to his own, seeking the comfort he was attempting to offer. His arm opened, ushering you into his chest so he could hold you. The touches were beginning to linger. The confidence was growing stronger. The man was falling for his hostage and you, the hostage, were falling for your kidnapper. He wasn’t holding you captive any longer though. He felt like more of a roommate than an enemy.

—

The house was silent. Some time during the night, Bane had laid back against the mattress and your sleepy body had followed. Tucked away beneath the warmth of the duvet, your body wrapped around his securely. He felt like he had two blankets on top of him instead of just one. His hand rested on your lower back, your leg thrown over his own so you could rest comfortably. The birds outside cawed noisily as they soared above your home, wings flapping as they flew through the night. The wind whistled loudly, shaking the trees so the branches dropped the endless amount of leaves.

Zander was sat on the porch with Oscar, eyes glued to the stars above.

“We’ll have our way with her.” He grumbled out. His words were quiet and slurred because of the alcohol he’d consumed. His bare feet shuffled against the patio, cement drenched in dirt which effectively stained the bottoms of his feet. He looked toward the silent man at his side before shoving his shoulder when he didn’t get any words of encouragement or agreement. Oscar folded his arms.

“You’re on your own, mate. Bane made it clear, she’s not to be touched.” To his left, Larry stood, pocketknife switched open so he could use the blade to pick at the dirt under his fingernails. He looked over his shoulder when he realized what the topic of discussion was. His eyes rolled.

“I’d be careful, Zander.” Larry spoke. “Oscar’s right. We tried to mess with her.” He turned. “And it didn’t turn out so good.” The moonlight illuminated the gash on Larry’s face. Zander hadn’t seen it before, but it was because he hadn’t been given a chance. Now though, the moon’s rays danced along the bloke’s skin. The wound was recently inflicted because it was scabbed and in the process of healing. Zander grunted out in annoyance.

“He’s not doing her.” He shook his head. “He’s just making sure you two ain’t either. I seen the way she was looking at him. Unsure. Ain’t no girl gonna look at a man like that - not unless she’s afraid she i’nt safe.” He set the bottle of liquor down between his ankles before slouching. His knee lazily bounced, head spinning with the various different ways he could have his way with you. They all involved luring Bane away.

Oscar exchanged a look with Larry. They didn’t want any trouble and Zander, well he was nothing but. Oscar lowered his hand to his pocket and pinched the pieces of fruit he’d sliced earlier that day. Popping a piece of Apple past his lips, he munched loudly on the crunchy treat before standing.

“I don’t want no part in this.” He made it clear. “You try anything and it’ll be your body we’re burying.” He stepped over the clutter of empty beer bottles and moved back into the house. He’d learned quickly, after watching the blade in bane’s hand slice his best friend’s face that you were off limits. And he wasn’t going to complain. It was in these moments, when another idiot was present, one with no sense at all, that he realized the error of his ways. Messing with you wouldn’t do him any good. Teaming up with Zander would lead to two dead bodies instead of one. He swallowed thickly before making his way toward the kitchen so he could drop down at the table. He was going to mind his own business.

Larry was hot on his heels. His footsteps weren’t as quiet, they were noisy and flooded the length of the house, no doubt waking the slumbering couple down the hall. He didn’t think the two of you were screwing either, but he didn’t doubt that there was something going on. Lingering touches. Soft caresses. He’d seen the looks the pair of you gave each other. A sense of longing lingered in the kitchen each time the two of you were stood close, but not close enough. He joined Oscar at the table before letting out a loud sigh.

“We gotta get rid of him.” The bloke whispered to Oscar. “He’s gonna cause too much trouble.”

Bane shifted a dramatic amount of times because of the footsteps. His body rolled this way and that, flexed arm tugging you along with him when he found a different position to lay in. You let out a soft sound of discomfort, a quiet whimper to tell him to be still. He heaved a loud huff, a puff of air as he sat up. His arm was still buried beneath you, your head tucked away in the crook of his elbow.

“Be still.” You mumbled out tiredly, hot breaths wafting over his chest. Your hand moved along his stomach, small body wiggling to be closer to his own. Bane peered down at you, breaths noisier because of the silent room and the mask he wore.

“Can’t get comfy.” He told you as softly as he could. He didn’t want to disrupt your sleep, just because he couldn’t figure out how to lay. You opened your eyes. They were so droopy, threatening to flutter shut as you stared up at him. You let out a quiet hum before lazily rolling on to your side, back to him.

“Come here.” He listened without hesitation. The front of his chest molded against your back, arm hooking securely around your waist as he shuffled forward. Spooning was always much nicer for him than it was for you, you had a hard time sleeping stiffly on your side, but you could handle it for tonight. Bane let out a breathy sigh of relief, fingertips tracing your stomach as he thanked you. You let out a quiet hum before gripping his large hand with your own. He fit against you like a missing piece to a puzzle, perfectly joining together when you were pushed into place.

You envisioned him pressing half-asleep kisses against the side of your neck. His lips were full, pink, wet from his constant urge to lick them. You imagined he was a terrific kisser and a constant one.

A little frown etched itself onto your lips and a quiet humph of disappointment left your lips. You squirmed in the slightest before involuntarily whimpering.

“We don’t have to lay like this.” He started, but your grip on him silenced him instantly.

“No.. I’m comfortable.” You assured him. You didn’t speak further, but you could feel the question lingering in the air, though he hadn’t asked yet. ‘Why did you whimper?’ “Bane..” You looked over your shoulder. It didn’t seem right to pry, nor did you even think you should be asking such a question, but in your tired state of mind, you didn’t think much on it. “Did you ever kiss anyone? Before you got that thing on your face.”

He shook his head. His eyes were closed.

“Didn’t you ever want to?” You spoke again.

One of his eyes opened at your question. His hand moved to your lips, fingers pressing against them to silence you before he turned your head back forward and hushed you by holding you tighter. The silence didn’t last before you spoke again.

“I think.. I’d like to kiss you.” Your words made both of his eyes open. He wiggled briefly, an action to express his shyness.

“What on earth are you on about?” He uttered gruffly.

“I’m on about wishing you didn’t have that thing on your face.” The bed creaked as you rolled over to face him. Leaning up on your elbow, you moved your fingertips to the mask and lazily began to trace it. He eyed you in confusion. Not only were your words random, but his brain had never screamed ‘hostage’ louder than it was now. “Does it come off?”

Bane shifted. “I don’t know. I’ve never tried to remove it.” Your fingers brushed along the bottom of it. You wouldnt try to remove it for fear that it would kill him. He clearly wore it for a reason. Your fingers moved away from his mask and instead to his throat. Caressing his jugular, you traced his Adam’s apple before leaning up. Closing the space between the two of you, your mouth pressed against the mask. Your leg, already thrown over one of his thighs, bent so you could lift yourself up and on top of him. He was laid on his back because of all your moving and now, you straddled one of his legs, hands placed on either side of him. He didn’t ask questions, he merely gazed up at you and let you do as you pleased. His leg bent slightly, becoming a perfect seat for you to lower yourself down on. Mix that with the fact that your lips were inching toward his ear and you have a heavily breathing bear laid beneath you. You could tell that your touches made him sensitive. Your mouth grazed his ear, hips lowering so you sat firmly on his thigh.

You sunk your hips down more firmly and against his own before slowly beginning to rock on his thigh. Bane was instantly filled with confusion over how you’d gone from ‘I wish I could kiss you’ to ‘I’ll settle for humping your thigh’, but he didn’t stop you. His wide palm found your hip, cradling it as you began to rock your body in a steady rhythm. Your mouth closed around his ear lobe, gently suckling on the flesh before nipping at it with your teeth. Bane’s eyes fluttered before rolling. The feel of a woman’s lips on his body was foreign. He could barely hold his eyes open.

You rubbed yourself against him harder, teeth clasping down on your cheek as you angled your body perfectly. The action of grinding made the bundle of nerves between your legs extremely sensitive and the longer you gave in to the friction his leg offered, the louder your moans grew and the closer to orgasm you found yourself. Bane was impatient though. He wanted to flip you over and shove himself inside you. He wanted to screw you to the point that you wondered if he hated you. Lost in his thoughts, he briefly lost his self control. His hand curled around your throat and as swiftly as he’d spooned you, he’d flipped you over and pinned you to the bed. You still had the ability to grind against his thigh, only now you had a hand around your throat, squeezing and cradling as he stared down at you with readable eyes. So many emotions waltzed together in those pools. You bit your bottom lip, hands moving to his arms as he let out a low growl. Your vision was growing starry and you didn’t know if it was because you were losing consciousness or because you were nearing orgasm, but you figured it was a little bit of both.

The room around you began to darken and the man on top of you was beginning to groan. You could feel how he adjusted himself, switching his thigh for his crotch so the pair of you could grind against each other instead. He pulled your thighs around his hips and hid his face in your neck. The room around you went black and you felt like you were floating.

—

Sweat. It covered your skin like the man had the night before. You woke under the impression that you had bruises on your throat from his strong grip and achy thighs from how harshly he’d been buried between them. But your throat didn’t hurt and your thighs weren’t sore. You pulled your lips in and looked to the vacant space beside you. The rapid beating of your heart told you that the sex that had taken place had merely been a dream. You didn’t have the courage to climb on top of your captor and grind against him confidently. He hadn’t flipped you over and cradled your throat so firmly, but delicately. He hadn’t pushed himself between your thighs and buried himself inside you like you were craving for him to do now. The skin of your cheeks was hot and the thumping of your heart grew louder. You’d dreamt it up.

“Put him outside.” Bane’s voice filled the hall. “Now. I don’t want her seeing this.” You looked toward the door before slowly, quickly, laying back down. Flipping over and on to your side so your back was to the door, you eyed the wall in confusion. It had felt so real. “Because I said so..” He halted in the hall. “Right. That’s what I thought.” The sound of the door slamming filled your home and then you could hear bane approaching once more.

Larry and Oscar looked to each other before hunching over. Larry had Zander’s feet and Oscar had his shoulders. Blood was spattered along the walls and floor. The bench dripped with the sticky substance. The men hobbled, carrying the lifeless form toward the dirt in the distance. Zander had been murdered, by which bloke, Bane didn’t know, but whichever had done it refused to fess up.

You sleepily rolled over when Bane entered the room, attempting to make it look like you’d just woken. He slowed the second that you came into view. His lips twitched upward, blue eyes meeting your own. Bane was more than aware of the dream you’d had, seeing as you were quite loud in your sleep, but he didn’t say anything about it, he simply moved toward the bed.

“Morning.” He seemed much calmer.

“It is.” You nodded before looking toward the ceiling. “Sleep good?” You spoke up quietly before sitting up on the bed.

“I did,” He nodded before pulling off his vest. “Did you?” His lips twitched. “Thought you might’ve been having a nightmare.” He watched the way your body fidgeted before smirking to himself when you looked to him shyly.

“A nightmare? No.. no, I had a very um.. it was a very nice dream actually.” You stated before climbing off the bed. His hand caught yours, gentle as you passed. He hauled you back and into him before eyeing you intently.

“Sounded like you were in pain. Whimpering all night long.” He didn’t mention that you’d moaned out his name, or that you’d been lazily rocking your body for the entirety of the night. You looked up at him, eyes scanning his. He was clueless, you decided.

“No.. don’t worry. I must’ve been trying to talk and couldn’t get my words out.” Your explanation only made his ego boost significantly. You’d enjoyed what you’d dreamt of.

“Well,” His thumb lifted to your chin. “so long as you’re alright.” He traced your soft flesh before looking to the door. He could’ve teased you all morning, dragging out how you truly felt about your dream, but instead he switched the topic. “Zander is dead.” The words made your body slump. “Don’t know who did it. But woke to the boys standing over him. Could’ve been a wild animal.” It wasn’t. “Or maybe one of them drunkenly stabbed it.” Not drunkenly. “Not sure, but.. we don’t have to worry about him now.” Relief filled you because you didn’t have to stress over looking over your shoulder every five seconds, and then sadness because you had no excuse to kiss and touch Bane. He seemed unbothered which told you all you needed to know. He didn’t feel the same. But the hand he let linger on your face told you differently. It silenced all other thoughts.

“Dead?” You whispered.

“Buried.” He confirmed. His hand fell from your face to your arm. Tracing the length of it, he studied your expression. He had no reason to stay, he realized as he stood in front of you. No reason but because of you. “Oscar and Larry are leaving. I don’t know why or what’s gotten into them, but they made it clear they’re ready to go.” Your brows twitched.

“So you’re going too?” He wasnt sure if your eagerness was out of stress because you wanted him to stay, or if it was a shove for him to get to the exit now.

“No.” He folded his arms then, waiting for your response. “No, they have places to go apart from the sewer. I, on the other hand, do not.” You bit your bottom lip and tried to contain the second wave of relief that flooded you.

“That’s fine.” Your eyes fluttered. He almost smiled at the way you calmed. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to make you like him the way that you so clearly did, but he was grateful for it. Because he returned those feelings.

The room was silent, just the pair of you stood in front of one another and the faint sound of Larry and Oscar burying Zander’s body in the yard. You didn’t care that Zander was deceased. You didnt care that the murderer was in your house. All you cared about was the man stood in front of you and how you were going to make your vivid dream come true.

———————————————————————

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#tom hardy x reader #tom hardy imagine #bane imagine #bane x reader #the dark knight rises fanfiction

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onepunchmiss · 5 years

Text

OPM s2e12 Live Blog

“The Wiping of the Disciple’s Butt”

The season finale. I’m nauseous. Lets begin.

As always, I’m watching from the perspective of someone who has read the manga and webcomic.

Right where we left off. Again I love the music. I’m just like, really calm right now actually. hhhhhhhhhhhokay. OOF oh god all the crunching sound effects oh no, this is already so weird watching Garou get his ass handed to him since he’s pretty much curb stomped every other hero in battle thus far, or at the VERY LEAST avoided taking so many hits. This. is so uncomfortable to watch. WOAH ????? THESE SHOTS WERE ONLY THERE FOR A SPLIT SECOND BUT??? HOLY SHIT???

GAROU’S HAIR OH MY GOD

Oh god oh god Bang is relentless this hurts please stop guys GUYS PLZ HAS NO ONE REALISED THAT NOT ONE HERO HAS DIED CMON PLZ IT HURTS calm down stop trying to kill him plsplspls OH

THIS

IS WHY

WE STAN GAROU

HE SAYS FUCK DEATH HOW ABOUT I JUST GET STRONGER INSTEAD QUE EPIC THEME MUSIC

oh god damnit him legit running on all fours right there just looks goofy tho F “preposterous style” Bang you aint lying asdfghjkl really though OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DRAWN SO BEAUTIFULLY THIS IS SO BLESSED

WAIT

NO OPENING THEME???????????????????? WHAT?????????????????????? WHY????????????????????????? ONE, I WANTED TO SEE THE CHIBI OF THE WEEK AND 2

I WASNT PREPARED FOR MY FAVORITE DOPEY BIRD MAN THE FUCK PHOENIXMAN PLS NO ILY I know people hate him a lot but I just really dig how he feels like a fleshed out character compared to most other monsters, like he’s legit lookit him being all smart and stuff plz I just,,,,,,,,,,,, want to hug dumb fluffy birb ;-;

Woah again I’m being blown away by the animation??? Garou getting smacked around is really fluid and this just looks really cool in general?????

FUCK I CANT DO FLASHBACKS MAN JUST HEARING THE KID VOICE MAKED MY STOMACH LURCH OH NO

OH NO I SCREAM OH NO I CANT OH NO GIMME 5 MINUTES PLEASE I CANNOT BBY NO I FORGOT ADULT GAROU IS IN THE FLASHBACK WATCHING THIS TIME PLS NO

LIKE???????? I got kinda a comedic vibe watching him comment on it in the manga but the slow music and shit is just FUKKIN ME UP RIGHT NOW I HATE IT THANKS IT HURTS

oh god his face he has the seething thousand mile stare of quiet rage and its burning a hole STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ENTIRE BEING “But me I was the loner kid. Always gloomy and without friends” STOP. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT. IM CRYING AT U RIGHT NOW STOP

NO DONT HOLD HIM LET HIM GO S T O P OR SO HELP ME i can’t watch this what the fuck “I was always the loser” SHIT this legitimately hurts me “I dont want to be the monster anymore” GArou hey did you hear that part?? hEY GAROU DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF THERE???

WHAT DID I SAY WHAT THE F DID I JUST SAY STOP HOLDING HIM STOP STOPPIT THE HELL MAN What if……….. I just go BACK IN TIME AND ADOPT BB GAROU CAN I DO THAT IS THIS POSSIBLE IS THIS ALLOWED ? ?? ?

oh my god it keeps getting worse. I mean. I already knew garou was being disproportionately reprimanded for what he supposedly did, but watching this scene just fucking kicked me in the teeth. As if my stomach wasn’t already in knots. The fuck . why does this hurt so much more watching than reading the frustration in seeping into me ffffff.

This looks really cool but, i can barely focus on that because im pretty much being exsanguinated on the floor over here by this whole sequence look at him crying. do it for me cause I sure as hell can’t

“I want to strike a blow for the little guy”

Fukkin GETTEM GO GETTEM

HOLY SHIT HIS VA IS GOING T F OFF

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT HIM ILY SO MUCH SAVE THE DAY BIRB SAVE

ASDFGHJKL THIS IS SO INTENSE EVERYONE IS SO INTENSE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT HOLY SHIT FUCK IM SCREAMING GAROU IS SCREAMING BANG AND BOMB SCREAMING GENOS AND EVEN PHOENIXMAN EVEN THE MUSIC IS SCREAM WE ALL JUST SC R E M

OH MY GOD AND THE LITTLE HEAD NOT GENOS AND BANG GIVE EACHOTHER SAVING THE HEROES OH MY GOD OH FUCK AND THE WAY THEY ANIMATE BANG JUMPING AROUND IS DOPE AS HELL AND ALSO HOLY SHIT ELDER CENTIPEDE I MISSED THE UNSETTLING SMOOTH CG LIKE ANIMATION FOR THE CENTIPEDES EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS JUST SCREAMING RN I AM OVERLOAD HELP

Garou flailing in the air in Phoenixman’s grip is … really adorable oh my god. “It’s your fault for not finishing them” ooooooo that shut him up didn’t it oof. Also nice cameo by Tatsumaki there

ASDFGHJKL THE MUSIC AGAIN I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM LOOK AT THEM OH MY GOD

THIS IS SO BAD ASS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS SO BADASS

Genos’s eye static, The brother’s fists swirling, THE FUKKIN CARAPACE SHATTERING

THIS FIGHT IS SO WILD MY COMPUTER CANT EVEN TAKE IT. ITS GLITCHING AND FREEZING UP HOLY SHIT

oh god ok the face coming out of the face was pure nightmare fuel alright then

WAIT

I FORGOT GENOS IS A SELF SACRIFICING DUMBASS. NO IM NOT READY GENOS YOU DOOF LISTEN TO KUSENO LISTEN TO HIM

oh no

im crying oh no

this animation is beautiful first of all and the music like im just here this is where I’m at and I’m crying oh no

He’s an angel. A literal angel. Look at that and tell me he doesn’t look like a fucking angel in the sky with the rays of light casting shadows around him.

Genos you are too good and pure for this world but that DOESNT MEAN TRY TO GET YOURSELF KILLED

Shit they really made it look like he was gonna self destruct there for a second which MADE HIS LAST STAND EVEN MORE INTENSE OH MY GOD SWEETHEART Y’all ever get into a show because you keep seeing one character that catches your interest, and you keep seeing them pop up on your dash or wherever until you finally decide ‘well fuckit, this is the asshole that’s gonna get me to finally watch the show’, cause you’re already invested in them anyway? Genos did that for me with OPM. If this fool didn’t exist Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get to watching OPM, if ever. And shit like this is why I STILL love him. I usually move on to new faves 90% of the time but nope. Genos earned his spot and is keeping it. Look at this insane shit. My heart. Uhg

Enough gushing asdfghjkl ok but Genos, you just went INTO THE DAMNED THING’s STOMACH,,,,, and you’re SURPRISED that there’s STOMACH ACID?? But real talk. What the EVERLONG FUCK is that thing’s insides made out of? How did it NOT DIE. the FuCK

asdfghjkl Phoenixman’s chuckle???? I love

Oh Bang no, this is wrenching my heart like I know that he doesn’t actually use his power but its built up so intensely like,,, would he be ok if he did??? and actually more concerningly since it even WAS brought up that he has some hidden true strength, will we EVER get to see that??? Oh Shit well when they word it as “All the power left to me in this life” then yeah, that seems pretty life or death ish???? THE FUCK

Oh thank god comedic relief is here I feel like i’m about to have a heart attack my chest is so tight hhhhhh ok breathe WAIT THIS ISNT COMEDIC THIS IS BADASS AS HELL JEEZUS witht he flashbacks to the Saitama encounter and THIS LOOK

The Anime is really fucking with the audience huh??? Making it look like KIngs about to throw hands like???????????? OH SHIT AND THIS MUSIC IS DOPE AS HELL TOO IM JUST laughing I have so much excessive energy right now???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHZAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFGHJKLJHGFDSWERTGYHUIUJHGFDFGHJKJHGFRE THE FUKKIN SONG THEY BROUGHT IT BACK THE ULTIMATE SONG I GOT THREE NOTES IN JUST THREE NOTES AND I KNOW IM SCREAMING I GOTTA GO RUN BRB

IM STILL SCREAMING FADFJSAGFJDSLKAHVFSKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OUR MAIN MAN THERE HE IS THERE HE IS IM GONNA THROW UP

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

OH MY FUCK THATS WHAT THE OPENING SEQUENCE EXPLOSION WAS FROM OH GOD OH FUCK BEAUTIFUL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL OH FUCK OH GOD

The REPRISE oh no oh NO OH NO OH NO NO ITS NOT OVER im not ready its not I cant no no no i dont want to press play cause if I press play it will end soon no no no Oh my god and at the end there isnt gonna be a title card for the next episode because THERE IS NO NEXT EPISODE no non o nonononon on on on ono no no no

HEY IVE BEEN RIPPED OFF. WHERES THE FACE WITH HIS HAIR BLOWN BACK??? ASDFJKL fine I cant even be mad everything else was tooo ofdbghjfshkggfhsjgbfhjka

KING WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT REACTION ASDFGHJKL W H A T

WAIT THEY ARE DOING THE OPENING THEME AT THE END NO I CANT HANDLE SEEING EVERYOONE NOW OF ALL TIMES GOD DAMNIT WHY ok yknow what. I knew it would be king. I dont know how but i did

Wha

fkin cliffhanger no please no

I.. I’m kind of at a loss for words. I’m. That’s it, huh? It’s really over. It doesn’t FEEL over. There’s so much unfinished business. Well, the only way to really neatly wrap everything up as neatly as S1 did would have been to get ALL THE WAY through the Garou arc, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, but this is not a great spot to leave off if we’re going to endure another few years hiatus. My hope is that, with biweekley manga updates, we should wrap up the Monster Association/Garou stuff (assuming it doesn’t diverge from the web comic too much) some time next year, and I’m HOPING that s3 is already being planned accordingly along side manga publications. So MAYBE it will at least be announced around that time 2020. That’s my wishful thinking at least. I don’t think I can survive 3 years. anyway

You could really tell JC Staff poured their hearts and souls into these last 2 episodes. Absolutely gorgeous, paced well, so completely satisfying and making every second of s2 worth while. For me, at least. I’ve already seen people still complaining and I’m just sorry they didn’t have as much fun as I did.

Seriously, thank each and every one of you guys. This has been a wild ride, I’ve barely had this blog a few weeks before season 2 started airing (and honestly just got into opm maybe a month before that?), so I owe a lot of the success on the blog to the anime I bet. This was the first series I’ve never tried live bogging, and I honestly can’t believe that they were as popular as they were? Especially since I never have any idea what I’m doing but yall listen to me ramble anyway?? Yall are crazy thank you so so so much. Now my tuesdays are gonna feel really empty… next week is gonna be weird as hell. Though I’m gonna get mad nostalgic good vibes rewatching this season in the future in no small part from sharing my experience with everyone who's stuck around. I can’t say see yall next week this time, but, see you next season whenever it may be for sure.

#live blogging #one punch man #opm #season 2 #finale #spoilers #garou #Saitama #genos #bang #bomb #phoenixman #anime #king #long post #im so sad right now oh my god #opmiss mumbling #s2e12

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your-modern-shakespeare · 4 years

Text

Just Like You (24)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23

Summary: You are an experiment, the first of its kind. One day you escape and are living a normal life when you run into a perfect stranger or was he?

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 5365

A/N: Well...it’s my birthday today so I decided to post a birthday chapter. I originally wanted to post this on March 10th but realized right as I was about to post, the first half of the chapter had already been posted so...I’m dumb. But it’s up for today even thought being quarantined has sucked the life out of me and will do the same for me today. I hope someone enjoys this but I don’t know. Enjoy.

Warnings: angst, non-cannon info (?), kissing, some fluff, google translate, flashback, POV switching, a little bit of a cliff hanger

Tags: @thisisthelilith, @thesalsafic, @fangirl1802, @lust-for-pan, @iamwarrenspeace, @the-red-world-of-jess-chibi, @ssweet-empowerment

BUCKY’S POV

1 Month Later

I walked into the hospital room and sat down on the bed next to her, like I did every day since we got here. She was still asleep, no surprise there.

So I pulled out the next letter, an identical match to the other ones I had written to her every day since we got here, and sat on the bed beside her. I looked over at the ever growing stack of them, sitting beside her bed, all 207 of them, and opened the newest one. I grabbed her hand, moved real close to her, and began the next letter.

Dear Y/N,

It’s been 6 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days since everything was normal. But it’s also been, officially, 1 year since we left Bucharest. Happy 116th Birthday.

Steve wanted to come in and throw some kind of party for my 100th birthday but it feels wrong to celebrate today without you. I thought we would both make it to this day and even though you’re physically here, it’s not the same. I wanted to take you out to dinner and I wanted to bake you cupcakes and everything else I had planned for us last year. I want to do these things because you’re here and you deserve it, I don’t want to do anything without you.

Bruce and Tony have been working really hard to figure this out and everyone else has been looking for new HYDRA information everytime they go out on a mission. They said that they had an idea, they’ve been working on it for a while though so I don’t know if it’ll work. They came to your room a couple of days ago to explain this idea and I want to say that I understood everything they said but I would be lying…

I wanted to wait until I understood everything to write it down but maybe when you’re reading these it’ll make sense to you. They couldn’t stop talking about trying to control the serum, that they thought that there was a harmless way to move the serum from all over your body to just a part of your body. The serum would be concentrated enough for you to control but they couldn’t tell me what the after effects would be to do something like this. Would you be in pain as the serum moved? Would you feel the serum once it was concentrated? What would move it and what would make it stay once it was moved?

Unfortunately I didn’t get those answers and probably because I am being hard on them. I hate to admit it but the things I’ve learned about what HYDRA did to you, about all the things you’ve endured, it’s made it hard for me to accept these experiments. I don’t want you to go through any more pain, I don’t want you to have to deal with this. God if there was a way I could take away your pain, I would in a heartbeat. But it doesn't work that way.

So instead I’m just waiting for some kind of miracle to happen and maybe next year we’ll get to celebrate our birthdays together.

Love,

STEVE’S POV

The three of us stood outside of the hospital room, looking in through the glass window, watching as bucky sat there reading another letter to a sleeping Y/N. The last six months have been nothing but a huge search for answers. If we weren’t in Wakanda sleeping or resting from a mission, we were on a mission. It kept us busy but it also didn’t yield many results which was the most frustrating part of it all. That and the fact that we still had you in a coma.

I had wanted so badly to have you awake for Bucky’s birthday...and yours too I guess. Which is why I was hoping to anyone listening that Tony was right in this experiment.

“Tony, how sure are you about this?”

“I’m at like...98%?”

“Well I need you to be at 198%. We didn’t tell Bucky we were doing this so it has to work.”

“Look...I know that everyone wants answers to whatever is happening but I don’t know them, I act like I have them but I don’t. What I do know 100%, is that Y/N will know something that we don’t know. She knows a lot more about everything, HYDRA or otherwise. My goal isn’t to fix her right now, I just need to plug the hole so that I can wake her up. We have to stabilize her and I think that pushing as much of the serum as possible away from her brain and her arm would give her the control that she needs to wake up and give us some of the answers we’re looking for.”

“And what about these robots?”

“Well, when we x-rayed Bucky we noticed a strange reaction happening in the shoulder joint near his arm. Because his arm was amputated and healed before putting the arm on, there’s no real connection between the flesh of his shoulder and the vibranium of the arm, that we can see anyway. And yet the serum is still drawn to the vibranium, it’s why we think the arm was used as an additional way of controlling him. We think that when Bucky is activated the combination of the serum and mind control is what makes him obedient to whoever controls him and the metal would essentially behave in the same manner because not only is it attached to him but it can mimic the same reaction as the serum.” Bruce said.

“Mimic?”

“There’s some kind of connection between the two that we don’t understand. We did tests on the serum and the vibranium and the results were always the exact same. Ther serum was made with basic chemistry, there’s not much in there that we couldn’t find in labs today but vibranium...there’s a reason it’s locked up here in Wakanda. They know how powerful it is, they know the strength behind their technology that uses it. HYDRA found out what it could do and they connected the two together and somehow it works. So we wanted to use the same methods against them, to save her.” Tony said

“The vibranium microbots that we injected into her IV a couple of days ago, will essentially connect with the serum and will slowly push the serum down to her legs. This will give us the time that we need to wake her up and figure out how to fix this for good.” Bruce finished.

“I really hope so.” I said.

BUCKY’S POV

I was sitting in the chair, feet propped up on the side of her bed, holding her hand and watching some TV show that I couldn't understand. I was going in and out of consciousness pretty frequently, but it wasn’t sticking and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was because every time I opened my eyes I was waiting for some kind of birthday miracle. I just wanted to see her eyes again maybe even her smile, but I could settle for one.

I must have finally given up because the next time I woke up the sun was starting to set and Steve was now sitting in the room.

“How’s it going?” He asked.

“The same as it has been for the last 200 days.”

“Well I know that you didn’t want to do anything for your birthday but I thought it would be nice to do a little something to hopefully bring up your spirits.” He pulled out a box and opened the lid, pulling out one of two cupcakes. He reached out to hand me one of them and I couldn’t help but think about the moment that we met two years ago.

Bucharest, Romania

March 10, 2015

BUCKY’S POV

Keep your eyes on the ground, hat pulled down low, don’t look suspicious. Be aware but don’t look paranoid. Don’t give anyone a reason to believe that you don’t belong there.

I kept these thoughts as a constant reminder, kept them right at the forefront of my mind. I escaped. I escaped and I’m okay.

I just had to keep moving, I had to find somewhere safe to live, somewhere where no one could find me. Was Bucharest far enough away from them? Could they find me here or do I need to keep moving?

I’m so tired of running. I’m tired. And hungry.

Just keep moving.

Just keep moving...right into someone.

I ran right into someone, the only downside to keeping your head down was that sometimes you couldn’t see who was right in front of you, especially if they’re not looking either. She had been holding something in her hands, a cupcake, I think, and it was now smothered between the two of us.

“Imi pare foarte rau.” (I’m really sorry.) She says first.

“Este bine.” (It’s good.) I didn’t want to make too much of a fuss about it but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel bad about ruining her pastry. I looked up at her to apologize as well, but couldn’t get the words out when I saw her face. She was beautiful, simple as that, easily someone that I would have dated back when I was normal. And yet at the same time she was somehow familiar which was strange and I couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I didn’t want to perceive her as a threat but I could have taken her down if needed. I really didn’t want to though...

“Apartamentul meu e chiar acolo, dacă doriți să curețe.” (My apartment is right there if you want to clean up.) The gesture was nice and under different circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate to take her up on her offer, not only because I was covered in frosting, but because I felt like I wanted to spend more time with her.

When I looked at her, I saw flashes of my past. They weren’t of her, obviously given my age and the fact that she couldn’t be over 25, but she reminded me of that time. How easy it was back then to be attracted to someone, to want to pursue a relationship, to be normal...

“Da te rog.” (Yes please) She shyly smiled back at me and let me follow her back to her apartment. I watched her as we walked and the strange thing I noticed was that she walked exactly the same as I did, eyes to the ground, head down low, trying to make herself as small and as unnoticeable as possible.

I followed her into this building that wasn’t the nicest place in the city but was much nicer than anything I had been staying in since I left them. We walked up flight after flight of stairs, still paying close attention to her and finding it strange that she wasn’t winded at all by the distance we had gone up. Maybe she was used to it? Maybe I’m overthinking everything?

I pushed the thought aside and she unlocked her door letting me into the apartment first. The place was much nicer than the building, she didn't have much but what she did have went together. There were no pictures of anything and no real decorations, just a simple layout, like she hadn’t been there long. I’m overthinking again.

“Do you speak English?” She asked amongst my inspection of her apartment. Her english sounded okay, but the Russian accent was heavy and more alarming than I would have liked.

“Yes.” I replied.

“That’s great. The bathroom is just down the hall, on the right.” She pointed to the hallway to the left of the door where I was standing,

“Thank you.” I quickly disappeared into the restroom, removed my backpack and grabbed a clean shirt to put on. I tried my best to rinse out the dirty shirt and dry it before putting it back in my bag, but it was just going to have to be a little wet. I was about to head out when I looked in the mirror one last time. I took in a deep breath and just reminded myself to remain calm. There was no way that she was HYDRA, they didn’t know where I was. There was no way for them to know.

Eventually I calmed down enough to step outside the restroom and right as I opened the door I saw her coming out of her room, in a new shirt and a bottle of water in her hands, but she seemed a little more nervous now...which made me nervous.

“So, I’m really sorry about the cupcake. The baker down the street had given it to me as a birthday gift.” She said, once again apologizing. She also seemed a lot more shy, having not looked me in the eye since we got into her apartment.

“It’s your birthday?” I asked, surprised.

“Yep.”

“Mine too.” When I said that she finally looked up at me.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“So birthday boy, do you have a name?” She smiled at me but immediately tried to hide it. I just looked at her and I hesitated because I was paranoid and because I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to know my name, but then again HYDRA never called me by my name let alone my nickname.

“Bucky.”

“Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you.” I tried to come off a little less tense but I think she could definitely tell that I was.

“Nice to meet you too. Can I get you anything? Water, food?”

“A water would be nice.” I was starving but I really didn’t want to impose, especially if she was an innocent bystander like I was trying to convince myself she was.

She made her way over to the kitchen and I absentmindedly followed her, just watching her move again. She was so graceful, there was just this sort of ease about the way she moved, almost mesmerizing. She looked back at me briefly to hand me the bottle of water and then grabbed a plum from a bowl on the counter.

She took a big bite of the fruit, trying her hardest not to look at me as she thought real hard about something, wrinkles forming on her forehead from the effort. I watched her lips move, the act itself being more mesmerizing than her movements; It was such a strange action from me. Keep my eyes on the ground, head down low, easy steps to follow and yet I couldn’t help but look at her.

I had to distract myself so I opened the bottle of water and nearly chugged the whole thing.

“Can I ask you something?” She said, cutting the thick tension in the room as if she had a knife in her hands.

“Sure.”

“Have we met before? I know it’s a weird question and I don’t want to freak you out, but sometimes I have problems with my memory and I just feel like I have seen you before.”

“I don’t think we have but I’m kind of in the same boat as you. My memory is not in the best shape.”

“Then can I ask something else?”

“Okay.” Now she was making me very nervous. She hesitated before asking her next question, obviously just as nervous to ask.

“Do you know what HYDRA is?” I automatically took a few steps back, wanting to get as far away as I could.

“Who are you?” I asked, every single nerve on high alert and telling me to get away as fast as possible.

“So you do?” She seemed...scared. We couldn’t tear our eyes away from each other, watching each other intently.

“Yes.”

“Can I explain myself?”

“If you try anything, you'll be dead before you know it.”

“I’m a soldier, the very first. I was born on March 10, 1901. My father was in charge of the HYDRA Siberian Facility and he willingly gave me over to be experimented on. I don’t remember much after that, the only thing that keeps running through my head, the only thing that I have never forgotten was putting a bullet in his head. It was August 17, 1963.” She looked upset and I couldn’t help but relax a little at her words. She was like me, she was running from them. And for the first time in a long time I began to trust again.

“You’re a soldier?”

“Yes.”

“I am too. James Buchanan Barnes. I was born March 10, 1917. I fought in World War II with my best friend. I fell off a train and lost my arm. HYDRA found me and made me an arm of metal and then they made me their soldier.”

“I guess we really are in the same boat.” She relaxed too. The tension that had spiked as soon as she mentioned them was gone again and the thing that remained was that feeling from before, the attraction.

“It would appear that way.”

“So why are you in Bucharest?”

“About a year ago I had been on a mission. They sent me after the Avengers and I tried to kill my friend. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want HYDRA to find me. Anywhere I have gone just didn’t feel right and I was too nervous. Romania is what I thought of, something easy, familiar almost. I just got here but I want to start over really.”

“You can stay here if you want. I know it’s not ideal but I have a pull out couch and you wouldn’t have to pay for anything, at least until you get on your feet. And I’m sure we could help each other.”

“You want to be around someone like me?”

“We’re in the same boat remember?” She smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back, relief washing over both of us in waves. We would be okay.

God...her smile. It had had a way of lighting up a room.

I just stared at the cupcake...thinking about her smile.

Steve had left the room to find a lighter for the candle and I just held the pastry in my hand.

A vanilla cupcake with white frosting and blue sprinkles.

Her favorite.

I laughed, how it was her favorite, I didn’t know. It was the only flavor she had ever tried.

I don’t know what I was expecting the cupcake to do, but I stared and stared at it hoping it would...do nothing I guess. It’s a cupcake. It wasn’t meant to do anything.

It made her smile though, so that was something.

But not now. There was no smile now. Just a cupcake.

I leaned over, elbows propped up on the side of her bed, my left hand holding up my head and the right holding the cupcake. I stared at the little cake decoration, declaring that it was my 100th birthday. Yippee for me.

“You better not drop that on me.” I heard, whispered to me. It took me a second to realize what just happened.

Now...some people would call me crazy for assuming first that it was the cupcake that had said that. Then again lets remember that the only other person who had been in the room had just been in a coma for 6 months and would be unstable and possibly kill us all if awoken from said coma. Also I probably could have allowed myself to leave the hospital every now and then so I wouldn’t go insane but that was a whole other issue.

But no...it was definitely her who had said it. I don’t know how but she was awake.

I genuinely smiled for the first time since we put her in a coma, placed the cupcake on the table beside the bed and grabbed her hand in mine.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

STEVE’S POV

I was really hoping that Tony’s plan worked. I told Bucky that I was leaving the room to get a lighter but I was kind of hoping that Y/N would be awake by now.

Tony said that these robots were in the right place and from what he could tell, she would be safe enough to wake up. So that’s what we did.

We waned her off the coma medication and with the serum burning off most medications quickly, we thought she would be awake already. It took a little longer than we thought though.

That was this morning, while Bucky was sleeping, and I had bought two cupcakes in the hope that she would be awake already but I guess we just had to give her more time.

To make Bucky less suspicious of me, I walked back into the room within a reasonable amount of time and looked over at him. He was on the bed with Y/N, arms wrapped around her, his head resting on her chest and she was awake. She was so calm, just running her fingers through his hair.

“Y/N?” I asked.

“Hey Steve.”

“You’re awake.”

“Yeah. I’m not really sure about what happened, but he’s not really in the mood to tell me anything. He seems kind of angry.” She pointed at Bucky who had his eyes closed and had a scowl on his face.

“Come on Bucky...you should be happy right now.” He sat up and glared at me.

“I should be happy? I was happy and then realized that there was no natural way for her to be awake right now. All three of you perfectly explained that in order to wake her up we had to do some robot thing and something about moving the serum around. I know for a fact that I didn’t approve of that so then she should be asleep right? Not unless all of you lied to me and did it anyway. So I should be happy? I’ll be happy when you tell me that you didn’t do anything stupid, like expirementing on the one person I told you not to!”

“Bucky—”

“No! I had one request in all of this. I said no experiments! No guessing, no trials and errors! Nothing but answers!”

“We didn’t have the answers! It’s been six months and we couldn’t keep doing this. There’s only so much failure we can handle before it’s time to try something else. I let Tony do this because you needed her to be awake and frankly, so did we.”

“Okay...I’m thoroughly confused now.” We both looked at Y/N, who was just taking in everything we said.

So we stopped the argument for the meantime and took some time to catch her up on the last six months. She read all of his letters and Bucky seemed to calm down some, which was good. And while we explained everything it gave Tony and Bruce enough time to come to the room and explain the more scientific things, everything about the robots and the serum.

She seemed to be following okay but I could see that she seemed a little overwhelmed by everything.

“Why don’t we give the two of you a moment?” I said when the room was quiet. I ushered Tony and Bruce out of the room and we waited to see what Y/N wanted to do next. Everything was up to her at this point.

BUCKY’S POV

I was now sitting in the chair beside her bed and staring at the wall because I didn’t want Y/N to think I was mad at her.

“Bucky…”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me.” I took a deep breath and tried to soften my gaze before looking at her.

Even after being in a coma for six months, she was the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Seeing her smile, even though it wasn’t a full one, made me soften up; I felt my shoulders relax and my face unscrunched from its glare.

“Hi.” She said.

“Hey doll.”

“There he is.”

“I really missed you.” I felt my eyes start to tear up.

“Come here.” I climbed back on the bed, sitting right beside her as close as possible, and she grabbed my hands, holding them in hers. I just sat there, looking at her hands, feeling her touch again, but not really having anything to say and yet having so much I should say. “Why are you so upset?”

“I just...I didn’t want them to do anything that could hurt you. And they went ahead and just did this experiment anyway, knowing that I had already said no and was not okay with trying this on you without more research to back it up. God knows, you’ve been experimented on enough and they couldn’t tell me if this was going to work or what the side effects were going to be and I didn’t want you to be in any pain.” I was like a fountain, just spewing everything I was feeling. I needed her to know everything. I needed her to know how badly I had messed up.

“But I’m not in any pain.”

“But you were...and everything was so bad and I didn’t know how to help you.”

“Bucky…”

“I hurt you. I had to hurt you to stop you. I had to break your arm so the whole building wouldn’t collapse on us. And then they had to put you under and you were gone...you were gone for six months!” I was sobbing by this point. I had pushed everything so far down that I didn’t realize just how hard I was beating myself up over everything that had happened. “They kept talking about the serum and how they didn’t know how it worked, they didn’t know anything other than what HYDRA had written down about the formula. And they said that they thought the best thing would be to activate you. To just straight up activate you and hope that the serum would burn away like it did the first time and yet they couldn’t even confirm that that would happen. So what, then you just do a quick little mission and all is fine? No! They don’t understand what we went through, they don’t understand what those words do to us or what we have to go through afterwards. I couldn’t put you through that, not after everything you’ve been through! All I ever wanted was for everything to be okay. I wanted you to be awake and I wanted us to move here so that everything could be like it was in Bucharest. I wanted you to be happy.” She just stared at me, knowing that I wasn’t done lifting the weight from my shoulders. “There was so much I couldn’t do. I couldn’t save you, I couldn’t stop Antonoff, I couldn’t find the answers to wake you up and I obviously couldn’t keep them from injecting some weird robots into you. I couldn’t do anything to help you.”

“First of all...all of that is untrue.” She reached out and started to wipe my tears away. “You have helped me more than anyone ever could. You helped bring back all of my memories, you protected me when we left Bucharest, you fought for me when I was activated, but most of all you love me like no one ever has before. There are things that are just out of our control. Antonoff was never going to back down and even though we all knew he outnumbered us you still fought him. With the serum...there’s a lot to still understand and there are reasons that HYDRA never shared or even wrote down the things that were most important to them. And the robots, well I’m not exactly sure about those yet but it sounds like Tony, Bruce and Steve had the right idea. They were thinking of you, thinking about how they were going to get me back to you. So yes we’ve been through a lot, probably more than any one person should ever deserve to go through, but I’m not upset with you or with Steve or Bruce or Tony. What matters to me is that I’m here with you and I’m okay. We can still have that life that we always dreamed of and we’ll figure out a way to permanently fix this serum problem of mine. We just need to take each day a step at a time and we’ll get through this just like we always do.”

“There’s just—”

“Nope.”

“But I—”

“No.”

“Y/N—”

She pulled me to her and kissed me the way I should have kissed her when I saw that she was awake.

“This is all I want right now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“I just—you were gone for so long. And I didn’t know what would be the best thing or the worst thing to do. I didn't want to hurt you and I didn’t want to make it worse. I just got so...scared.”

“You don’t have to shoulder this alone anymore. And you definitely don’t need to be scared, when are you going to learn that I’m always going to come back to you?”

“Maybe you should remind me.”

“You just want me to kiss you again.”

“Can you blame me?”

This time I kissed her, moving on the bed to lay down beside her so that I could feel as much of her as I could.

I pushed everything out of my head and just allowed myself to feel normal again, to love the woman that I loved more than anything in the world. It had been six months since I had kissed her, since I had held her, since I had done anything with her resembling the life we once had. It was this moment where the haze had cleared and for the first time in half a year that everything was okay.

Y/N’S POV

We kissed like two people starved. It was a mixture of, for me, not wanting him to feel bad about everything that had happened to me, for him, not having any real connection to me in six months, and genuine need to be close to one another.

We heard the door open and were cut off when Tony, who had his eyes covered, interrupted us.

“Person coming in! I don’t want to see any body parts that are normally hidden!”

“Tony.” Steve said, slapping his arm and making him look at him who wasn’t hiding his eyes.

“We just wanted to make sure everything was okay now.” Bruce said.

“Yeah everything’s good.” Bucky said to me with a smile on his lips.

“Good, we’re very happy that you’re awake Y/N.” Steve said, smiling at me.

“I am too. But I actually would be a lot happier if I could get some coffee.”

“You and your coffee.” Bucky mocked.

“You’re the one who got me hooked on it.”

“I know.”

“Do you mind?”

“I’ll be right back.”

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you.”

He climbed off the bed and put his shoes back on. I grabbed his hand before he was able to get too far and pulled him back to me one more time, giving him a quick kiss.

“Happy Birthday Bucky.”

“Happy Birthday Y/N.”

He gave me one more kiss before leaving me with the other three guys in the room.

“So I just have a couple of questions to ask before Bucky gets back.”

“Yeah?” Tony asked.

“What are the side effects of using these robot things? Or I guess having the serum so concentrated?”

“We actually don’t know, we weren’t able to test this outside of the lab.” Bruce confirmed my worry.

“I was just asking because...I can’t feel my legs.”

They just looked at me with horror in their eyes and fear that maybe they hadn’t been right in doing this experiment so soon.

And yet the most feared question, the one that was most likely in all of our minds:

What was I going to tell Bucky?

Let me know what you think here

PART TWENTY-FIVE

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes series #bucky #bucky x reader #bucky fanfiction #bucky fanfic #bucky series #marvel #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic #marvel series #just like you

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splendidlyimperfect · 5 years

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Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray’s stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn’t that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.

Chapter Summary: Joel's jealous of how much Gray texts Natsu, and Natsu and Erza are concerned about how much time Gray's spending with Joel.

Chapters (9/21): 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can’t leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019, Coming Out, First Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise

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sleepovers

in·fat·u·a·tion | \ in-ˌfa-chə-ˈwā-shən noun : a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something : strong and unreasoning attachment

iv april five years ago

“Why are you always on your phone?”

Joel’s voice is sullen, and when Gray looks up, Joel’s brow is furrowed in annoyance. Gray glances over at the TV where Joel’s playing ‘Halo,’ then back down at his screen.

“Sorry,” he says, “I’m just texting Natsu, I wasn—”

Joel reaches over and grabs the phone from Gray’s hands, tossing it to the end of the couch. Gray sits there for a moment, stunned.

“What the hell?” Gray asks after a second. He tries to reach out and pick up the phone, but Joel’s legs are over his, and Joel shifts so that Gray can’t move away. “What’s your deal?”

There’s a tense moment before Joel sighs, and Gray watches his expression turn from irritated to disappointed. “You’d rather talk to him than me,” Joel says, looking away from Gray and down at the controller on his lap.

“Hey, no, that’s not true,” Gray says, anger immediately dissipating. He reaches over and grabs Joel’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “I’m sorry, I just thought—I haven’t talked to him in a while.”

It’s true. Since Joel and Gray started dating three months ago, it’s been harder and harder for Gray to make time for Natsu. Joel likes to hang out with Gray in the evenings, and Gray doesn't blame him – they're both in school all day long, and it’s nice to relax together.

“I know,” Joel says, running his fingers over Gray’s. “It just feels like... you wish you were still with him, not me.”

Continue reading on AO3

The statement hits harder than Gray would like to admit. Joel is amazing, and he makes Gray feel special and loved, but there’s a tiny part of Gray that still lights up every time he gets a text or e-mail from Natsu.

“He’s my best friend,” Gray insists, trying to push those thoughts away. Joel deserves better than that.

“But I’m your boyfriend,” Joel says, and Gray’s stomach immediately twists with guilt. “It makes me feel shitty when you text him instead of talking to me.”

Gray looks down at the discarded phone, then back at Joel, whose expression is downcast. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

Joel’s eyes search Gray’s face, and then he picks up the phone and opens it to Gray’s message history with Natsu. Gray’s eyes widen and he reaches out unconsciously to take the phone back.

“You have something to hide?” Joel asks, looking at him suspiciously, and just like that, the edge is back to his voice. Gray shakes his head and Joel turns back to the phone. His face hardens as he reads back through the messages, and Gray desperately tries to think of what could be in there that’s making Joel upset.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as Joel’s hand tightens around his.

“He’s still in love with you,” Joel says, voice low. He flips the phone around to Gray and points to a text from a few weeks ago.

we went to the lake here last night and watched the stars. thought of you, i miss u so much xo

“W-we...” Gray’s about to explain about the stars and the lake and their old summer traditions, but Joel’s not listening, just scrolling back through message after message. The further back he goes, the tighter his grip becomes on Gray’s hand.

“Are you still in love with him?” Joel asks eventually.

Gray shakes his head vehemently. “No, I—I love you, we’ve just...”

“This doesn’t feel like you love me,” Joel says softly. He scrolls back down to the last few messages and re-reads them.

Natsu: i got a summer job here but i talked to erza about coming back to visit in june after my exams

Gray: Really?

Natsu: yeah : ) maybe we can go out to the lake or something <3

Gray: That would be awesome. I miss you so much.

Gray frowns, looking between the phone and Joel. “I don’t unders—”

“You didn’t tell me about this.” Joel’s squeezing Gray’s hand so tightly that it’s starting to hurt. “You’re making plans with him behind my back?”

“What?” Gray winces, trying to pull his hand away, but Joel won’t let go. “That’s not for another two months, nothing’s for sure, why—”

“You’re supposed to tell me these things!” Joel protests, face drawn in disappointment. “How can I trust you if you’re keeping secrets from me with your ex?”

“I didn’t—”

“You did, don’t lie to me!” Joel tosses the phone onto the floor and digs his fingers dig harder into the back of Gray’s hand.

“Joel, stop it, you’re hurting me!”

Joel immediately lets go of Gray’s hand and Gray pulls back from him, staring down at the bright red marks on his hand and wrist as the blood rushes back to the skin.

“Gray, baby, I’m sorry,” Joel says gently, reaching out to take Gray’s hand. “Hey, c’mon, lemme see.” He runs his thumb over the marks, then brings Gray’s fingers to his lips and kisses the marks. “It’s not that bad, honey.”

“I...”

Joel sighs. “I didn’t mean to,” he murmurs. He pulls Gray into his arms and rubs his thumb over the back of Gray’s hand. “I just get so upset, I… I don’t wanna lose you, and when you do stuff like that, it makes me feel…”

A wave of guilt rushes over Gray. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, pressing his forehead to Joel’s shoulder. “I should have said something.”

“It’s okay,” Joel says, kissing Gray’s head and running a hand down his back. “Just don’t lie to me, okay? I love you. I don’t wanna get upset.”

“I love you, too,” Gray says, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist and snuggling up to him.

They sit like that for a long time, and eventually Joel reaches down and passes Gray’s phone back to him. He doesn’t say anything about the crack across the screen, and Gray doesn’t mention it.

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Natsu [11:38] i think i can drive up on the 13th, does that work for you? xo

Gray [12:20] I think so, let me talk to Joel.

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“You’re bailing on movie night again?”

Erza stands in the door to the kitchen, hair pulled up in a messy bun, arms crossed over her chest. Gray hates the look she’s giving him, and he forces himself to ignore it and focus on tying his laces.

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking at his watch. “I know it’s really last-minute, but Joel asked me to—”

“It’s always last minute,” Erza interrupts. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Gray sighs, standing up and running his fingers through his hair. “Erza, I live here,” he says patiently, gesturing down the hallway to his room. “I see you every day.”

“Saying hey, have a good day while you’re staring at your phone and leaving the apartment doesn’t count as seeing you,” Erza says, shaking her head. “I miss you.”

“You have Jellal,” Gray says sullenly, leaning back against the door. He’s supposed to meet Joel in twenty minutes, and Joel hates being late.

“Ellie.” Erza’s voice is kinder than Gray expects, and when he looks up at her, he can’t really read her expression. “You’re one of my best friends. I just miss spending time with you.”

Gray fiddles with the buttons on his shirt – it was a birthday gift from Joel, a dark blue that matches his eyes. It fits just right over the binder they ordered online, and it makes Gray feel right.

“Does Joel... not like us?” Erza asks gently, and Gray looks up at her quickly.

“What? Why would you ask that?” Gray asks, frowning.

“He just doesn’t seem to want to come over here,” Erza says, pulling her hair out of its bun and combing it out, then starting to braid it. “I mean, you guys have been dating for what – four months? And I feel like we’ve seen him maybe twice?”

Gray groans, tipping his head back and staring at the patterns on the ceiling. “Please don’t lecture me, I’m getting enough of that from Natsu.” Erza gives Gray a look and he rolls his eyes. “You’re moving so fast, we never talk anymore, blah blah blah – look, he left. You wanted me to move on, and I am, and now you’re giving me shit about it!”

Erza gives Gray a look that, a year ago, would have had him cowering. Now he glares right back at her, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I’m not giving you shit about anything,” Erza says, stepping forward and reaching out for Gray. He grumbles, but lets her pull him closer. “I’m happy that you’re happy. So’s Natsu.”

“Doesn’t feel like it,” Gray mumbles.

Erza doesn’t say anything, just hugs him tighter and presses a kiss to his head. She smells like popcorn, and for a minute, Gray feels guilty. Then he remembers that Joel is waiting for him.

“I’m sorry, I gotta go,” he says, pulling back and squeezing Erza’s hands. “Next weekend we’ll do movie night, okay?”

“Promise?” Erza asks, and Gray nods absently.

“Yeah. Promise.”

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Natsu [13:49] hey, how’d your calc test go? we still good to talk tmw? xo

Natsu [18:33] elllllllie. ells. ell-e-phant. answer your phooooone.

Natsu [20:14] seriously, whats up with you? i miss you

Natsu [21:22] erza says you bailed on her again – dude, whats going on?

Natsu [23:56] im gonna spam you with cute kittens until you answer me

Natsu [22:57] attachment .gif

Natsu [22:58] attachment .gif

Natsu [22:59] attachment .gif

Natsu [23:00] attachment .gif

Natsu [23:23] its 11:11 so i wished for my best friend to text me... <3

Gray [01:34] Heyy sry was at a partty, dunno if we can call tmw but I miss you too <3

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By the time they leave the party, it’s almost two in the morning, so Gray crashes at Joel’s place. His roommates are both asleep, and as soon as Joel closes the bedroom door behind them, he grabs Gray around the waist and nudges him onto the bed.

“You look fuckin’ hot as hell,” Joel murmurs against Gray’s skin, hands slipping up under Gray’s shirt and rubbing circles on his back. Gray’s exhausted and still pretty drunk, but he hums and lets Joel kiss his neck. “All my friends are jealous, y’know.”

“Hmm?” Gray blinks at Joel blearily as Joel pushes him back and hovers over him, fingers tugging at the buttons of Gray’s shirt.

“I saw Seth staring at your ass,” Joel says, settling between Gray’s legs and pressing down against him. “He was checkin’ you out all night.”

“’s cause you bought me nice jeans,” Gray mumbles, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Then he frowns, tipping his head back so he can see Joel’s face a bit clearer. “Do… do any of them know I’m…”

Joel shakes his head. “Babe, nobody thinks you’re a girl.” He runs his fingers through Gray’s close-cropped hair and tugs on it gently, tipping his head to the side to press kisses across his throat. “You’re not a girl.”

Gray nods, then runs his hands down to Joel’s hips, stilling the way he’s grinding against Gray.

“What’s wrong?” Joel asks, pulling back and frowning.

“I…” Gray chews his lip. “I’ve been thinking.” He hesitates. “About, like… hormones and stuff. Or surgery, I dunno.”

Joel sits up, studying Gray’s face before running his hands up Gray’s stomach to the edge of his binder. “You wanna get rid of these?” he teases, slipping his fingers under the tight fabric. Gray gives him a half-hearted glare and knees him gently in the ribs.

“Yeah,” he says. “I just… I dunno how to talk to my dad about it.”

Gray’s parents still think he’s a girl, and Gray doesn’t know if he can tell them. His dad’s the pastor in Magnolia now, and Gray’s pretty sure his sermons don’t include love for people like Gray.

“Fuck ‘em,” Joel says. His words are slurred from drinking but his gaze is intent. Gray frowns. Joel’s met his parents, once, and Gray’s mom adored him. “They… if they don’t like who you are, then they shouldn’t be in your life.”

“But…” Gray pushes himself up on his elbows and shakes his head, trying to clear it. “They’re my parents.”

“If they don’t love you for who you are, who cares what they think?” Joel argues. He runs his hands back down to Gray’s sides and squeezes. “I love you just like this.”

“I know,” Gray says softly, tugging Joel down for a kiss. “And I wanna be me, all the time.”

Gray hasn’t really mentioned the idea of actually transitioning to anyone else. With everyone other than Joel, he’s still Ellie, even though he's tried over and over again to tell Natsu. It just never comes out right, and he ends up deleting the words before he can send them.

“You can always be who you are with me,” Joel says, pressing their foreheads together. “Hey, y’know... y’know what? We should live together. Then... you can be you all the time.”

Gray blinks in surprise, trying to pull back to look at Joel, but Joel shakes his head and kisses Gray again instead. He tastes like cheap beer and cigarettes, and his stubble scratches Gray’s bottom lip. Gray sighs, sinking back into the mattress.

“Okay,” he says against Joel’s lips. “Yeah. Let’s... talk about it in the mornin’.”

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Natsu – 2hrs ago Missed Call

Natsu – 1hr ago Missed Call

Natsu – 38min ago Missed Call

Natsu – 12min ago 12 Messages

Natsu – 2min ago Missed Call

#fairy tail #ftlgbtales #ftlgbtfics #ftlgbtpride2019 #day 11 #gratsu #natray #gray x natsu #gray fullbuster #natsu dragneel #angst #mind the warnings #update #new chapter #prompt #my fic

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maljean89 · 5 years

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I turned 30 and got my tubes tied

Just shy of a week ago I had my very first surgery — I got my tubes tied. Although,��“getting your tubes tied” is sort of an out-of-date term these days come to find. Nowadays, removing your entire fallopian tubes is the standard for a couple of reasons: removing them completely (as opposed to tying, clamping or cauterizing) can prevent the occurrence of an ectopic pregnancy and can reduce the risk for Ovarian Cancer. Dude, I have so much cancer in my family, if I can reduce my risk for one kind, I’m down.

I’m really glad I’ve never had surgery before because going into it blindly was probably the best thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and if I had I think I would have been even more of an anxious mess than I already was. I am the queaziest, most fainty human being on the planet, so the entire experience of having the 3 attempts to put my IV in was a little hellish. But being put under felt pretty cool and before I knew it, I was waking up and it was all over. It took a solid 3 days of doing nothing but laying on my back and hobbling to the toilet before I started to feel like a human again. And let me tell you — having a boyfriend with an amazing sense of humor kind of sucks when laughing causes you pain. But he took the best care of me and 6 days later I’ve got a way less bloated and swollen tummy (looked like I was pregnant for a couple days) and my insides feel like normal again. I’ve got these 3 sweet battle wound scars — two on either side of my lower abdomen and one in my belly button — and I can officially say that I’m sterile as a cotton ball.

I’m pretty excited that I now have a response when people inevitably ask “So when are you and Jonah going to have a baby?” I’m going to enjoy it a little too much to be able to say, “Never actually. I had my tubes tied.” Telling people you don’t want kids makes them incredibly uncomfortable for some reason. I’ve never really understood it, but one of two things usually happen. One: they get real awkward and change the subject, never to be visited again. Or two: the barrage of questions begins. Some people are genuinely interested. Some people feel the same way and I get high fives. Some people do the whole, “well, you’ve got plenty of time to change your mind” routine.

The thing that probably kills me the most though is when people ask why.

“Why don’t you want to have kids? If you don’t mind my asking,” they’ll say.

You got a few hours? People ask this question like its a simple answer. Dude, if its a simple answer, I highly recommend that you don’t get sterilized because one simple answer isn’t sufficient. I have scores of reasons! And the reasons why I don’t only stand to inform the actions I would take if I oddly changed my mind someday.

I thought I’d share some of my many reasons with you all. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are financial — they’re all over the place. If you don’t care — thats cool. If you think I’m stupid — you’re entitled to your opinion. But I do think it would broaden your vision a bit to read why someone might not want to reproduce. If you’re one of the people judging me, I encourage you to take a moment to learn about someone different than yourself.

1. Physically, I legit can’t handle it. I know every woman is probably terrified of actually giving birth, but I literally could not handle it. I have to lay down to get a flu shot, and stay laying down for a solid 10 minutes or I’ll pass out. Getting my blood drawn makes me faint every time. And just discussing the process of inserting a NuvaRing with my gyno made me lightheaded and have to lay down. Getting my lady exam every year makes me so nervous I often present with high blood pressure because my nerves get the better of me so badly. Don’t think I could handle 9 months of discomfort, thinking about whats happening to my insides, and then the inevitable pain of actual birth. And even if I somehow could handle it — I don’t want to put myself through that. No thanks, I’ll pass.

2. Financially, I don’t want the burden. People may think thats a cold reason to not want kids, but I’m just being honest. I’m a fucking millennial for god’s sake — I’ll be drowning in student loan debt until the day I die, paying off only the interest on my income based repayment plan each month. I’m just now at 30 years old feeling stable with my own income for the first time ever. And to be 100% honest with you, I want to spend my money on me and my partner, not a small person who doesn’t even understand what money is and how hard I have to work for it. If you can look past that — high five to you, but I can admit that I’m not that big of a person.

3. I don’t want the strain on my body. I’m not special in that I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life. And sure — you can argue all you want that having kids is more rewarding than having a hot bod. And I’m sure thats true for some people. But vainly, I just don’t want to ruin my body like that. I’ve got enough stretch marks on my inner thighs and love handles from when I was heavier. I shall opt for keeping my bladder and vagina and breasts in tact for as long as I can. #SorryNotSorry

4. It’s not what I want my day to day life to be about. I enjoy being around kids of a certain age for a very short amount of time, and somehow that window gets smaller and smaller as they get older. I don’t have enough time for myself, I can’t even imagine having every moment be about feeding and changing and crying and being sick and everything else. Worrying about myself and the people I love is all I have the energy and time for folks. Its wonderful that some people are happy having every day be about play dates and going to the park and doing whatever Mommy-and-Me crap you mothers out there do — but thats just not who I am. I enjoy traveling and seeing the world, experiencing art and theater and music, trying really hard and failing at making alone time for myself, falling in love with Jonah more and more every day, searching for a woman to fall in love with at the same time, and a million other things I could spend hours writing about. In everything I want for my life, there just isn’t a kid running around in that mix.

5. I’ve got some weird Mom-related reasons swirling around in my noggin, too. My relationship with my mother was very special to me. I was an only child raised by a single mom and that, my friends, creates bonds unlike any other. In the three years since she’s died, I’ve realized how sacred my time with her was. I even had a window of time where I thought I was going to cancel getting my tubes tied because I had this morbid realization that by having a baby, and possibly a little girl, I could have a piece of my mom back again. Thats not a healthy way to think. I talked my feelings out with my loved ones and ended up back at my decision to have the procedure. Somehow, the mother-daughter relationship that I had with her is the only one I want to have in my life.

6. Other areas in my life deserve my love and attention more than a child. First and foremost — my love life is too important to me. Jonah is my world. And aside from the fact that on our first date he told me he didn’t want to have any more kids (he has a daughter from a previous relationship), our life doesn’t have room for an infant. Our life together — my career, my company, other creative and business ventures I have brewing in my head, Jonah’s music, our love life being polyamorous — all of these things deserve my love and attention more than having a baby. And guess what? As mentioned above, I already get to have a daughter in a sense! I get to have this super cool friendship/stepmom/parent-type thing with a wonderful little girl that came from the man of my dreams. I can’t wait to see her blossom into a young woman and see what she’ll achieve in life. ALSO, I have an amazing nephew who is about the same age and even though I don’t get to see him every day the way his mom saw me every day, I love the bond I have with him and getting to see him grow into such a sweet and upstanding young man. All of this and more deserve my love and attention more than creating another human.

7. I don’t think its necessary to populate the world with more people. If I lose anyone big time with any of these reasons, I think this one might be it. We as human beings are literally ruining this planet. There are too many people in existence as it is. We’re polluting the ocean at an alarming rate, global warming is all our fucking fault, and every year more and more animals hit that endangered species list or worse, become extinct. Don’t get me started on animal rights! More people just create more garbage, more waste, more problems. I’m sure you love your big family and think you’re not part of the problem, but guess what — we all are. I don’t want to add to it. I can help not add to it by the following...

8. I would choose adoption over reproducing any fucking day. When I had my initial doctors appointment to schedule my tubal ligation, my doctor obviously asked me why I wanted the procedure done. I rambled off a few of these reasons I’ve just shared with you and closed with this: “If for some crazy reason I want nothing more than to have a child 10 years from now, I would want to adopt anyway.” And that was the end of that conversation. There are so many children that need foster homes or to be adopted. In Minnesota alone, an article from this past January from Kare 11 states that “this year alone some 17,000 children will need temporary, out-of-home placements.” I saw an adorable little boy at the grocery store the other day running in front of his parents. For one second I thought, there are I don’t even know how many little boys just like him that need homes across the globe. The thought broke my heart. If I wake up 5 years from now and want nothing more than to be a mom, I want to change someone’s life and give them the loving home they otherwise might not ever have.

9. I’ve never had a strong will to be a mother. Sure, when you’re in grade school you might trade future baby names with your girlfriends at recess. For me it was Hayden for a boy and Aslynn for a girl. But as a teenager and adult, that daydream disappeared. I’ve never longed to be a mother, or to have any sort of a conventional life for that matter. It’s always seemed really boring and expected and normal. One of the very very few positive things that came out of my relationship with my ex-husband was the day he helped me realize that I just assumed I’d have kids someday because thats what society had drilled into me. The moment I stood back and really honestly asked myself, “Do I want kids?” I had my answer. No. And I’ve never looked back.

10. Most importantly, my body was made for more than reproduction. I know we don’t live in medieval times — this isn’t Game of Thrones no matter how much I wish it was. We live in an age of being a career mom and female empowerment up the wazoo. But theres still this thing floating around out there in the world that its expected of me to reproduce. Ridiculous abortion laws like the one that just passed in Georgia that makes it illegal to get an abortion after 6 weeks makes me feel like we’re only glimpsing the tip of the iceberg of whats coming down the pipes. The only person who can control what I do with my body is me goddamn it. My female body can do just as much (AND MORE) than any male body can. Maybe its just me being stubborn or thinking I’m more important than I am, but I firmly believe my body can do a million more important things shit out children. I truly believe we are heading to a Handmaid’s Tale existence, and I won’t be a part of it. I refuse.

I didn’t write this blog to make you feel like shit if you are a mother, and enjoy being a mother. Everyone is different. I respect that. But we all have different perspectives. And I truly believe that there are a lot of moms out there that didn’t think long and hard enough about this life-changing decision, and now they’re stuck with it for life. At the end of the day — you’re going to do you, and I’m going to do me. But maybe you have a little insight into what goes on in a head like mine, and why motherhood doesn’t have to be your future if you don’t want it to be.

I’ll be honest with you — I sort of have this weird feeling that for once I have total control over my own body. Pregnancy has been this fear stamped on my love life since I took that dive at 14 and I finally feel free from it. I don’t know, maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. I could be feeling that way because I just bought my first house and have this cool, new perspective on taking control of my life. But somehow, I’ve never felt more in control in 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 life 👏🏻

Watch out world. The only one in control of my life and my body is me.

#tubes tied #tubal ligation #30 years old #my body #my body my choice #millennial #handmaids tale #sterilization #pregnancy #having kids #having a baby #mothers #daughters #mothers and daughters

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acidwaste · 6 years

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hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job: oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

#acid.txt #this took a while but :wahoo:

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sisterbestill · 6 years

Text

I write this on my iPhone, sitting next to my dad, who is currently getting his 4th Chemo Therapy Treatment of Carboplatin and Taxol. The drugs are chemical bombs and each week the accumulative damage grows. They pre-treat him with histamine blocking meds so he doesn’t have reactions, but he has reactions during the infusion, like he can’t breath. The nurses are well aware and calmly manage the reactions with more meds. These meds cause him to become very drowsy, so the remainder of the day becomes about keeping him from falling.

I still am trying to process all that has occurred since early August 2018. I look back on these pictures of our last outing at Lake Jocassee and never would have guessed how things would change just a week later. I’ve often wondered how cancer strikes people so quickly, now I know. I am writing this so I will never forget each minute that will forever live with me. I am also using this as a way to cope and understand something that is unfamiliar and terrifying.

My parents have always taken care of themselves and one another. They have been very lucky to have good health and I have been lucky to have them as energetic as they are in their eighties. When they moved up here from Florida, I was delighted I was going to finally be able to spend more time with them - like daily and weekly vs. just twice a year. They moved 15 minutes away or a lovely 60 min bike ride through rolling countryside and mountains. I was giddy and felt the universe shift a bit. I felt pulled to them. They are in fact two of the coolest, funniest, and open-minded people I know.

Shortly after this kayak trip (photos above) they decided to make a pact to live to 100 and created a “bucket list”. They were thankful for their health and never took it for granted. Perhaps the bucket list idea was a way to for them to celebrate how young they felt or perhaps they recognized they were chronologically getting up there.

Paddling on Jocassee was relaxing, calm, and beautiful; Certainly an experience they would have loved to have recreated again and I am hopeful they will. It may look different in the future, but I suspect the beauty and calmness of the lake will bath their brains in peace.

A week after snapping these pics, I got a call from my mom, she was on her way to the ER with my Dad. I was working one floor up and met them in the ER. While we waited, I learned my Dad had been feeling fatigued for several months and had developed shortness of breath over last few weeks. It wasn’t evident on the kayak trip that he was struggling, but it was obvious in the ER. My mom said they had been to their primary care several times and their primary care doc reassured him it was natural aging, as tests did not reveal anything to be concerned about.

As we sat for 6 hours in the waiting area, I was certain it was nothing serious. Afterall, my dad had no other health issues other than a little hypertension. His meds consisted of an 81 mg baby aspirin and amlodipine 2.5 mg each day - what a lucky guy. I was thinking maybe he had pleurisy or walking pneumonia.

We finally were shown to a room and labs were drawn. We were relieved to finally get things moving. By this time my sister, Lori, and I were getting silly from the fatigue of waiting. We were thoroughly entertained by a belligerent drunk guy on a stretcher in the halllway who seemed to draw all the attention of the medical staff while we well-behaved folks waited for answers.

I noticed my dad’s HR would easily jump to a sinus tach in the 130s with just a little bit of movement. Something didn’t seem right, but I was not going to speculate or think the worst. I was just his daughter, at his side, keeping the mood light.

We were informed by the physician assistant caring for us that his left diaphragm was elevated and was probably the cause of his shortness of breath. I was a little taken back as this was an unusual finding that left me with a knot in my stomach. Not too long after this finding he was whisked away for a CT of his chest.

He returned to the room and we waited for results. The PA came in with a sticky note and said she read off it: “You have a very large anterior mediastinal mass...No one here will operate because of your age...We are discharging you and you will need to see an oncologist.”

Our mouths dropped. My stomach bottomed-out as she said “mass” and my face flushed. We all just blankly looked at one another. Go home?

I spoke to a good nurse friend in recovery and she called the thoracic resident. I spoke to the PA who delivered the news and said, “We can’t go home. He is short of breath. He and my mom live alone. His Heart rate is bouncing up to 130s. He is weak. Please admit him and consult thoracic surgery.” My dad chimes in, “I’m not a throw away!” Meaning he doesn’t want to be dismissed because of his chronological age. He was far healthier than most half his age and this deserved a second look. The radiologist who read the report never actually saw my dad, but he did see a birthdate.

The next day, the interventional radiologist who read his CT and gave us the crappy news also did a needle biopsy of this baseball size mass.

We went home on a Wednesday after 2 days and waited. We were waiting for results and waiting for an appointment with a thoracic surgeon. Waiting is tough and if you are sick you will learn the meaning of patience.

We made it to Sunday when I thought something wasn’t right with my dad. He continued to have episodes of shortness of breath, but something was still off. I knew he had anxiety, but this was different. He said he felt fine and I almost left it at that. As a nurse you learn to listen to your 6th sense.

My parents live in a remote part of the county where everything is 30 min away. I left there house and an hour later returned with a pulse oximeter that I purchased from a CVS drug store. His oxygenation was 95% not bad for a guy now breathing 40 times a minute with 1.25 lung capacity. However, his pulse read 155 and I was baffled. No way?! I palpated his radial artery and it was a match. Off we went to the ER...

ER visit number II was faster as we went to a smaller satellite hospital 30 min from their home. The rhythm was too fast on the monitor to establish what it was so the ER MD attempted to chemically cardiovert him with adenosine. Adenosine is pushed quickly through an IV. It stops and restarts the heart. I can not lie, I was nervous. It’s so diffferent when this is your own family member. My mom tearfully excused herself and I stayed by his bedside. The ER doc informed my dad it would suck, and we proceeded. It sucked. He felt his heart stop and I watched his eyes bulge and panic come across his face for 3 of the longest seconds of my life. We were able to see he had an underlying atrial flutter. We were started on a verapamil drip and were transported to the main hospital for management by a cardiologist. His heart converted back to a normal rhythm on the verapamil drip before we left the ER in transport to Main hospital at 1 am. We were under the impression it was stress related to the new shitty diagnosis and having to wait on results.

The next day he had an echocardiogram to look at the structure and function of his heart. He was started on a Metoprolol a drug that blocks adrenaline and keeps heart rate lower and it was doing its’ job.

He spent 2 nights in hospital and outside of naps, lacked solid hours of good sleep. We finally got word that his ECHO results were good. No one said a word about metastatic disease to his pericardium. We were told he had a small ring of fluid within the pericardial sack, but it wasn’t a lot and certainly not something they felt needed draining. The atrial flutter responded well to the metoprolol and we were discharged home to once again wait for our thoracic surgery appointment.

We finally made it to the thoracic surgeon to learn of what was growing in my dad’s mediastinum. I was hoping for a thymoma, but instead we drew the really short stick with a highly aggressive, highly invasive cancer called: Squamos Cell Thymic Carcinoma.

WTF? Come on! Can we not catch a break here?

I had never heard of this type of cancer and neither have many in the medical field cause in addition to being aggressive and invasive, it is also a rare tumor. A rare tumor that hasn’t impacted enough lives that researchers devote a lot of time, money and effort into understanding it. Not only that, but sadly, most people die before any data can be collected. Once you get short of breath, dry cough and fatigue it is usually advanced.

PET Scan had some questionable lymph nodes light up, but no other disease was noted distal to the mediastinal cavity.

We hoped it could be removed. Excising the tumor was first choice in the management of this cancer and had the best outcomes, but to do this the surgeon would need to get clean margins. The thoracic surgeon wanted a cardiac MRI to examine if this tumor had invaded any of his great vessels. CT scans had only shown that the tumor was abutting the ascending aorta, but we needed to be certain cause the surgery involved opening his sternum with a saw and recovery would be 5-6 weeks. The surgeon emphasized that he didn’t want to operate and create trauma without being able to get the entire tumor. He didn’t want to delay care in a time-is-of-the-essence scenario.

It was 6pm on a Monday evening just days out from last hospitalization, when I returned to their house to check on him. Earlier that morning, my mom and I took his mini Pomeranian back to the vet and learned it was dying. The vet apologized and said it was time. We put my dad’s 18 y/o Pom, Ben, to sleep at 10:30. My mom held him and he passed. We were a mess. We told my dad and his response seemed flat. Distant.Something else was on his mind.

I stayed close and felt something was amiss, something was unfolding, progressing. I was thinking is he getting an infection? His temp was 100.2, slightly more SOB, and his pulse was 95-110 at rest, on a beta blocker. Nowhere near his norm and I could not ignore this or excuse it. My dad is precious to me. I looked at my mom and dad, apologized as I informed them we needed to go back to the ER. They were agreeable. I think he was relieved I recognized something was wrong.

Shortly after arrival at the satellite ER labs were drawn and ultrasound of his heart was done by ER doc. He said there appeared to be a large fluid collection around my dad’s heart. We were again admitted to ICU for a condition called Cardiac Tamponade. Early the next morning he had the fluid drained 600 ml from around his heart. The fluid build up which is inside the pericardial sac squeezes the heart. The heart can be stunned and go into failure. The fluid that was drawn off was sent for cytology. It was suspicious. It was likely metastatic disease.

In fact after annoying the cardiologist with repeated questions in the hallway, he motioned me over to his computer screen. He showed me the ECHO and pointed out the thickening of the pericardium and showed me a mass dangling from his ventricle. I didn’t need to wait for cytology. This was confirmation for me that we were very far into a disease process. My face flushed, my heart sank, and my stomach dropped as I comprehended the situation. I thanked the MD and my mom asked what he was showing me. I told her. I saw the color leave her face.

The thoracic surgeon was still hoping to remove the mass as the CT didn’t show it had invaded the great vessels, but he did want a Cardiac MRI which was on the back burner. We were still in ICU cause the Cardiac Tamponade and procedure to drain the fluid triggered a lot of Atrial Flutter and Atrial Fibrillation. We waited for the Cardiac MRI for 3 days. There is only one machine and his was repeated twice before they got quality images. The thoracic surgeon finally met with us and after consulting his partners, radiologist, and oncologist, it was decided surgery was just too risky and he wasn’t certain he could get clear margins. He stressed how he didn’t want to create more problems or delay my dad in getting treatment if there were complications. We very much appreciated the thoughtfulness of his answer. We really didn’t have a minute to spare. The surgeon decided to cut a window in my dad’s heart so the cancer did not build up more fluid and compress this vital organ again. The cancer cells would drain into his belly instead of filling the pericardial sack.

We were discharged home in a questionable state: weak. At first we were told he would stay until he was walking well, but the hospital was full and we were off-loaded unexpectedly. Home is a place with stairs. Stairs to to get in and stairs to get out and the most movement he had done in a week was walking 25 ft with a walker and that was exhausting for him. I was concerned about falls. How were me and my mom going to get 170 lb man up 5 steps safely? He was too weak. He hadn’t eaten, he had not slept in 10 days. We were behind the eight ball and chemo had not even started.

Chemo is rough. To survive chemo, one needs some level of fitness, meaning able to perform ADLs independently and move often. We were overwhelmed. The next week was labor intensive and emotionally draining. Here we were home and we were struggling. He still wasn’t eating, still not sleeping, and my radar was on constant alert. I spent my days observing and looking for subtle changes. Oh and there were changes that needed immediate attention as he flipped in and out of rapid atrial fibrillation and got urinary tract infection.

I was scared and my dad was terrified. In times when we were alone, he would ask me: “How did this happen?” He would shake his head as if disappointed in his body. Disbelief. He was unable to comprehend it and he too was terrified.

To be continued...

#thymiccancer #cancer #chemo #raretumor #cancersucks #thymiccarcinoma #thisislife

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