#felt like a good writer...

[canonkiller]

do you consider your self made?

#my art #self portrait of sorts #been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things #for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer #(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good) #and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like #I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them #are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize #to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough. #things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either #im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now #just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later #anyways. love you #cw: #top nudity #artistic nudity #the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple #if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw #my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way #lindwormposting

[mewtwo24]

I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.

Turns out that was a perilous mistake.

Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me

What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:

LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"

The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--

How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls

And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:

Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.

Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)

Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:

Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me

Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:

I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.

And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...

I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.

How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.

Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.

#svsss #bingqiu #moshang #i swear to god this series is just 'gay man who doesn't know shit inflicting his delusional reality on everyone else and inciting chaos' #and literally it's slapstick levels of hilarious every single time; mxtx never change #also i fully agree that we did not get NEARLY enough mobei-jun and sqh/airplane content #the amount of mental illness to mental illness communication going on there was astonishing #mobei-jun being afraid of his uncle and bringing sqh because that's the only person he trusts fully (WAILING NOISES) #sqh having a tantrum but running away because for the first time he was honest about his needs + his dissatisfaction with catering to other #how that reflects his narrative compulsions and how he felt forced to warp more creative story paths for the sake of survival as a writer #how sqq's restoration of much of his original intent--as well as mobei-jun's acceptance of his needs--helps airplane begin to heal #how his happiness begins; how just like sqq he wanders in such confusion and denial before he's forced to realize what truly matters to him #SHREK VOICE: STORIES HAVE. L A Y E R S #it feels like modern day shakespeare and when i say that i don't mean it in a hollow elevating sense i mean it more like #mxtx just hits that perfect balance of poignance but also hilarious concentric circles of botched communication and brainworms #okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-; #the way lbh constantly struggles with such a crushing feeling that he'll be abandoned over any little mishap/thing/problem #really hit me where it hurts??? if only because its so clearly an anxiety that stems from original goods' upbringing #the way it becomes even more heartrending when you think back to all the sect leaders clamoring that he should have been killed as an infan #that he should have been aborted as a fetus--insisting right in front of him that his birth was a mistake and a disgrace #over having demon blood in his veins. like my god that scene is so viscerally upsetting i struggle to read it #the way its so easy to see the demons as a manifestation of otherness in precipitated form #how both sqq and sqh are influenced by human rhetoric without evening meaning to--assuming the worst against their better judgment #how both sqq and sqh both struggle with their own otherness in different ways and only find solace when they begin to accept who they are #how their lovers (lbh and mbj respectively) both are willing to navigate those confusing waters with them #how both demons love them as they are--accept them as they are despite how difficult forgiveness of perceived betrayal is for them #ty mxtx for changing my brain chemistry #as i get older i have such a fondness for the messiness of thematic queer self-discovery and growth into self-acceptance #that and how youth can so easily be defined by perfectionistic self-harm and the violence of repression

[bisexualbuckleyy]

the umbrella academy fandom really said all of the siblings can fuck up and do horrible things and lash out because of their trauma. except for the black woman cause that’s not allowed

#seeing some really shit takes on allison’s character this season #literally all of them have done horrible shit #ALL OF THEM #and yes i agree what she did to luther was absolutely not okay #but she very clearly realized that and immediately felt horrible about it #but like this woman has been bottling up her negative emotions for two years and losing claire finally tipped her over the edge #i can really understand where she’s coming from #that doesn’t mean that anything she did was okay but she made some good points #but like i literally saw so many people saying they hate her now or that they want the writers to kill her off #like what the fuck??? #everyone else can be a complex and nuanced character but god forbid the black woman is anything but flawless #the umbrella academy #allison hargreeves #tua s3 #tua spoilers

[r0semultiverse]

Hey so Avatar Kyoshi can just physically manifest & take the wheel at any time? That feels kind of over powered??

We’re just not gonna talk about how Kyoshi possessed Aang? 👀

Also feels like the avatar detection statues in Zuko’s ship got retconned already. Iroh asking how Zuko knows he’s on the right path to find the Avatar but neither of them acknowledge the avatar tracking statues that this adaptation spawned in. 😩 It was a little frustrating to watch. Either leave them in & acknowledge them or just leave them out.

#my partner speculated that 2 different writers were trying two different things at the same time which made the scene with Iroh & Zuko very #jarring when the avatar state detection statues weren’t acknowledged #also Aang is plural or a system? #good for him! #also I feel like Kyoshi would have been more merciless but it seems like she was on a limited power budget? #still felt over powered af that she can just... do that #like oh my god; also gender fluid Aang headcanon?? gotta be feeling something strange after turning into a cool warrior lady #I don’t remember this ever happening in the show #I’m pretty sure Aang never got transformed into Kyoshi against his will lmao #Netflix avatar is such a wild adaptation #mine #op #avatar live action #avatar the last airbender #atla #natla

[mintaikcorpse]

The Burning Man

The Burning Man. 

The Burning Man burned for what he believed in. The Burning man has seen so much from the lives that have been taken. The Burning Man has seen countless unspeakable actions. Actions that would make any humane person cry out in horror as they watched the bodies of millions. Actions that would make any humane person protest and scream and weep in sheer terror. 

But instead, the actions cause triumph. The actions that have murdered thousands cause a celebration. A celebration of new land. A celebration of freedom. A celebration of beliefs. 

A celebration of beliefs that cost millions. 

The Burning Man didn't think it was right. The Burning Man was terrorized by the actions he saw. He was terrorized by the millions of people shouting for joy at the genocide of others. He was terrorized st the countless of people calling the actions necessary. 

And so, the Burning Man took his fire, and on a bright sunny day, with clear skies and colorful flowers, took his match, and turned it on himself. But even then, in the worst pain a man could face, the Burning Man fought for what he believed in. The Burning Man shouted his please for freedom; that our triumph for murdering thousands isn't right. 

And as the Burning Man's body turned into Ashes, his words echoed through the air. The words of a hero. The words that filled thousands with hope. And as an angel flew down to take his last breath, he didn't give up his fighting, nor his words. He shouted 

“Free Palestine!”

Some will say the Burning Man died a pitiful death. That the Burning Man was a traitor that went against what he was raised to fight for. But I don't see it that way. The Burning Man was the bright lights of a fire you see in a cold, miserable tundra. The Burning Man was a beacon of hope for so many. The Burning Man sparked something in so many people. That we could stand up and fight for what we believe in. That our actions can cause a difference. 

Rest in peace, Aaron Bushnell. May your words spark hope in millions. May your words screech of the horror so many are blind to. 

Rest in peace, Aaron Bushnell. 

Free Palestine. 

(Art by @theartisticapparition )

#im not good at poetry but I dunno what else to say but I felt like I had to say something #i'm not good with putting my thoughts down so I might just write like this about them #and bcuz i know he will I want everyone to make sure that Aaron Bushnell isn't erased from history books #bcuz ik damn well he wont be talked about for long #please dont stop talking about People like Bushnell and Hind Rajab and Motaz and Bisan #please keep talking #free palestine #free gaza #rafah #palestine #free rafah #aaron bushnell #poetry #writblr #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #writblur

[akabloom]

“Love is driving me a bit insane…Have to get this off my chest…”

blue ver under cut 😊

#natsuyuu #natsume yuujinchou #natsume's book of friends #my art #tanuma kaname #kaname tanuma #tanunatsu #he’s too romantic for his own good 😞 #kinda felt like the 2nd panel is a little ooc for tanuma but he looks cute so ^_^ #also #ik in my heart n soul he’d listen to singer song writer Laufey 😇

[pennamepersona]

thinking about how klavier + kristoph vs. apollo + trucy is a really interesting contrast of siblings and how well they fit into the themes of family (blood vs. chosen and how there's sometimes overlap; putting your trust in an older relative's advice and having it backfire/being treated as a pawn; finding commonality in a shared family trait/tradition; etc.) establish in the original trilogy would've been a pretty cool thread to follow through the latter games, esp since it'd keep that broader theme of family as a neat and emotionally resonant common ground with the og trilogy but fuck me i guess

#ace attorney #aa #aj aa #apollo justice #trucy wright #klavier gavin #kristoph gavin #ace attorney trilogy #apollo justice trilogy #which is a funny joke #i'm only partway through dual destinies #but i learned yesterday that they never circle back to kristoph's black locks or the fact that apollo and trucy are siblings #and i am So Upset About It #the original trilogy had suuuuch good writing and plot and the ending was so satisfying #it really felt like it tied up all the loose ends and the fey family storyline was so cool #and fit great as both background and foreground #and that overall theme of family is just awesome #reeeaaalllllyyyyy coulda been smth cool in the later games. #i know they switched writers #which is such a goddamn shame #like wowza...rly just gonna do that to these characters huh #really just gonna let them suffer and not get completed arcs #other dual destinies complaints: i miss the 2D sprites with a PASSION #and it feels like the game is doing a lot of the presenting and moving for me #which on the one hand that can be very annoying to figure out #but on the other hand i would kinda like to y'know #solve the mystery and play the game #man if aa4 made me miss the og trilogy and feel deeply painfully sad about phoenix's character #that really was just the beginning of my disappointment #i hope dd and soj hold up in other ways

[transfemjoker]

when will they start making joker media that doesnt suck. just wondering

#‘but he’s a fan favourite villain he has so much content’ yeah but it mostly sucks big time and only sometimes sucks a little #sorry to her and her writers but i genuinely do not remember the last time we got a joker-centric release with #writing that felt consistently good and in character. like not to be a bitch or anything #like even the recent releases that i consider good often lack a fundamental understanding of the character #and yeah yeah it’s not the fault of individual writers but rather the fault of #a wider issue with mischaracterisation in comics which is a whole other discussion #but god. i miss him . you know #og

[highfantasy-soul]

So I've seen some (I assume) show-only people really, really upset about Hopper's death. Like, calling the show runners sick, awful, disgusting people for it. So, insane as it is, I'm here to defend the murder of fluffy canines.

Wolves in the Wheel of Time world are not cute little companion puppies that are just so sweet and innocent and perfect. Killing a wolf is not killing a helpless creature that is relying solely on human kindness to survive, nor is it done just for shock value.

Wolves would be VERY UPSET if you viewed them this way! They are just as independent and capable as any of the human characters - they have their own society, lives, and beliefs. They fight in battle.

Hopper wasn't just standing next to Perrin as his little dog on a leash and then was murdered out of the blue - he chose to join the battle and attack an enemy. The enemy then killed him as he was seeking to kill one of them. Hopper died in battle just like any human would have (and did many times over in the story).

Yes, the Whitecloaks and people at large do only view them as animals - dangerous animals that can kill them - not as equals to humans, but Perrin does understand their importance as beings in their own right. He was reacting to Hopper's death not as a 'you just killed my pet out of the blue!' but as a 'you just killed a member of my family (pack)'.

Does it suck to see canines killed on screen? Yeah. Does that mean that if a story includes the death of a canine that means the writers are disgusting, sick, cruel people because 'killing the dog' has gotten a bad rep in media? No.

Including wolfbrothers means including their role as beings who are also fighting against the shadow. That means some are going to die in battle. Just as Uno's death was significant and meaningful to our characters, just as Rand's mom dying was meaningful, Ingtar's death, Karene and Steppin's death, etc, are all meaningful to the story and the characters, so is Hopper's death.

If the death of a canine is triggering to you, I get it. Torture scenes and graphic depictions of violence are triggering to me. But that doesn't mean that I thought the showrunners were disgusting, sick people for having death in the show, or lingering on people's last moments and giving them their due rather than brushing right past the death.

If the death of any being other than a human - especially canines - really gets to you, then The Wheel of Time probably isn't for you as the wolves play a very important role in the fight against the Shadow. They're warriors just like the people are which means they're going to fall in battle too.

I know this post is probably only for a very tiny fraction of people who watched the episode, but I felt it needed to be said. Calling writers bad people for wolf death is just wild to me.

#wot show spoilers #wot on prime #wheel of time #I can't believe i felt the need to defend the murder of the bestest boy #but being true to the wolves as characters - they'd be pissed at us calling them good babies!!!!! #i don't want Hopper to die either but like - story stuff and letting others be heroes too and all that!! #killing the dog gets a bad rap but with the worldbuilding here I see it as much much closer to any other human's death in battle #also like you're not supposed to like the fact that he's killed #you're supposed to be pissed at the whitecloaks for it - especially since they go out of their way to kill wolves (like lots of people in #the real world) #but to say the showrunners and writers are disgusting people for it is way too far imo #including hard topics like that doesn't make an author evil or sick - it's a part of telling a story #if you don't like that content just watch something else

[compacflt]

hey! i was just going through your blog, and i saw a post about ice&carole and mav&goose. i looked a bit more but i couldn't find a post about your take on mav and goose's relationship, so i wanted to ask what it was. if you have answered this, i'm sorry about asking you again. imo i think what they had was wayy deeper than friendship but complex and probably not romantic, but again, i just wanted to know your thoughts on it.

thank you! and this blog has probably been one of the best finds i have ever come across on tumblr, i'll be sad to see you go.

yeah, i was really trying to be suave and subtle and mysterious about it with this parallel

like, you should be able to figure it out for yourself.

but luckily for you i looooove beating dead horses. to a problematic degree.

the full story of my vision of mavgoose (moose?) is in the completed draft of the extras that are coming out on Saturday. about halfway through. But i want to bring it back to the internal craft-of-writing debate i brought up yesterday—my inability to summarize, or to cut superfluous sections that don’t really matter.

I’ll stick it under the cut for spoiler reasons, but i wanna show the simple first draft of this scene versus the complicated, heavier final draft. And I want to ask any of you, if you’re interested—as a reader, which is more impactful? which should i end up publishing?

the simple first draft:

then i kept turning it in my head thinking of different ways to edit it to say something slightly different, to get a little more specific, coming up with things to add, and ended up adding like five extra paragraphs. which is this:

about 1/4 of the final draft (by which i mean, this is about 1/4 of the whole final discussion scene, but the goosemav-specific content only goes on for about another graf [omitted bc spoilers]):

(so to answer your ask explicitly, i actually don’t think they were anything deeper than good friends. imo there’s no evidence that they were anything deeper than good friends, especially with maverick blowing goose/goose’s wishes off soooo many times [‘she’s lost that lovin feelin;’ volleyball; refusing to do the responsible thing at least twice even after goose tells him it puts his & his family’s livelihoods at risk…bro all he does is blow off goose]. see me bitching in the tags for more on this)

obviously in my head the complicated in-depth version ⬆️ is the True version, the version of events that really Happened. i think the writing is in some spots much more compelling. But it just doesn’t make for a particularly good reading experience when it’s surrounded by like 3/4 pages of other discussion of history! sometimes too much of (what i think is) a good thing turns that good thing bad! & this is a major keystone dynamic of my whole series so i just want to get it right, for my own peace of mind. I guess im asking you to be the harsh editor i wish i had sometimes, if ur interested in doing so—this is genuinely a major major problem i have with my writing, i can’t ever just leave well enough alone 😭 please let me know if simpler is better/less is more in this case! do i publish the short vague “the reader fills in the blanks” version or the long boring “here’s EXACTLY how i see it” version?

#crowd sourcing beta readers. let me know. #also. #how many times do i have to say maverick is neither a good person nor a good friend #and the writers of TGM hugely whitewashed and dulled down the original sharpness and thoughtlessness of his character #for the sake of post-50s tom cruise mary-sueifying him #before it sticks? #if it helps you can write out a list of his actions in the original movie. #for instance: > blows off goose to be late to dinner with Charlie anyway #> follows her into the women’s restroom > continues a pattern of dangerous behavior even after #Goose his supposed best friend tells him multiple times it is threatening their jobs #the truck master scene… the locker room scene… the ‘can’t afford to blow this scene’ #and then he does it a FOURTH TIME AND KILLS GOOSE HELLO!!!!! #so much for being a good friend like c’mon!!! #if he REALLY respected goose he would have SHOWN HIS RESPECT FOR GOOSE!!! #i am leaving this blog so out come the hot takes! #movies are also woobifying tom cruise lately! how’s that for a hot take #i genuinely felt insulted by TGM’s sexless passionless soft bokeh-light KIND OF half-sex with Penny. that was insulting. #what happened to the savage bitter kid in 1986 top gun? why is he so soft and toothless? #the only time we see him is in the ‘it’s not the plane it’s the pilot’ ‘EXACTLY’ exchange. THATS maverick. #sorry you know me. TGM is not my favorite. i am extremely cynical about it. #i love the IP but the writing choices in the 2nd movie wrt mav especially make me…. 😵‍💫😵‍💫 #pete maverick mitchell #nick goose bradshaw #mavgoose #you can ignore me bitching but pls don’t ignore my begging for secondary opinions here

[adhd-merlin]

sorry but I was rewatching some bits of The Hollow Queen and the transition from daegal's tragic death in merlin's arms to arthur sitting at the table and telling his wife "I still can't believe how lucky I was! :)" while merlin limps in the background is kind of funny

#or in the foreground rather. I suppose #I think if I were merlin I would have hit arthur in the head with that jug #also [sigh] I don't hate daegal #his death still felt kind of emotionally manipulative but in a clunky way #do you know what I mean? #the writers trying so hard to pull at my heartstrings with that “did I do something good??” like please. I'm rolling my eyes #idk it just didn't affect me emotionally #but some bits made me a bit more sympathetic towards daegal on a rewatch #like him saying no one's ever been kind to him. and that he doesn’t matter etc. #I could have grown to like him if he had been in more than one ep probably #merlin #ep 5x08

[spacedlexi]

#this hbomb video dropping the same week i read a fic that had a bit SUSPICIOUSLY CLOSE to one of my old clemvi comics :) #dialogue halfheartedly edited and still in the exact same order of delivery. too similar to be a coincidence of ideas #felt ... not good.. reading it :( #compared to me looking forward to finally reading a fic that the writer came to me and asked if they could adapt some of my ideas for :) #just goes to show the difference that literally just asking can make #im not gonna say what fic it is im just talking on my blog ok but the timing makes me :) i feel a little better now #whats funny is that i wrote the dialogue the way i did to condense the idea down into a 2 page comic. you couldve expanded on it... #like just ask!!! im not posting on the internet just to scream into the void ya know like i actually like sharing and talking about stuff #it speaks

[nav-i-nav]

If someone wants to discuss Otomerson’s writing w me HMU fr I am obsessed with their work

#such a good writer like genuinely how do they do it I am in love #I’m super normal about their AUs (I squealed when they uploaded a new chapter today and happy stimmed until I felt nauseous) #navi rambles

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!! #but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me. #and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just— #sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

[totheidiot]

i hate that the solar eclipse just now serves as a reminder that nobody loves me.

#🍂 arian's shit #IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HAPPENED. but yeah #i will always think of the solar eclipse i witnessed and think about that #two people one of them my friend the other i thought i could consider my friend but HE PROBABLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. #they both talked and did their things and laughed and they are so damn close to each other it almost made me cry and reminded me that #it was such a profound moment too when i realized what was going on #they were in another world that didn't have me and i get that. i do. they have known each other for a year and i abruptly showed up #two months ago and one of them we are getting close she likes me around #at least i think #the other one he is nice he is supposed to be like this he is nice to everyone that is who he is #so what is happening: he is completely indifferent to me. most he did was remember my name and face. but he is nice. #i like them both so so much it almosg does hurt when i stood there awkwardly almost like i was intruding #and i realized that i have never not been close to anyone #no acquaintances all the friendships i have had they sre the reason why i live and i know that they live for me too #we have known each other since kindergarten. they held my face and cried and told me that i was love when i was leaving for the last time #they love me. i am sure of it. #but now i don't have anyone near whom i do love. people don't love me. i used to be love. #it also hurts that i am Average Person In The World #i am not funny. i do not have unique quirks. i do not have a single talent. #all i am good for is saying the wrong things all time. #even in my old life i was someone. someone who isn't the same as the person who saw the solar eclipse today and felt all this #i was the idiot. I WAS THE IDIOT. i was the writer person. #i don't feel like any of these things now. they had a thing in common: their capacity to love and be loved. #i love very easily but i am not an easy person to love. #vent post #god this is such a small little thing i am the most pathetic thing in the world #feel free to scroll away don't even read this shit

[tiredguyswag]

i think instead of putting the blame on the writers of the series we as a fandom should shift it to the corporate office like im 101% sure that's where it went wrong. also netflix has a bad habit of cancelling great shows with latine leads like that may not be what happened here but it DOES happen

#and thats just capitalism babey!! #it kinda feels like the writers had a lot of ideas they didn't wanna throw away #and as they were nearing the final episodes they just went OH SHIT and with good reason! #eight episodes was not nearly enough to finish telling that story #felt like there were so many storylines they wanted to explore even in the season like some of the dialogue was definitely hinting at smth #but then!!! you get!!! eight!!! fucking!!! episodes!!! #and yes i agree that there are a few parts that are just bad writing full stop #but it couldve been such a great show if it only had more time #and it feels wrong to put the entire blame on the writers without saying a word to the corporate offices. i know one of you fucked it up #carmen sandiego #carmen sandiego 2019 #carmen sandiego netflix