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tealenko · 5 days

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Didn't Have the Heart (Chapter 9)

Chapter 9: Comparative Study of the Alliance Dress Uniform

You know that thing where you say: I'm not posting anything until I finish my fic (an then you don't finish it in 3 more months) XDDDD Well... Here we are.

So... Hi! I'm back (glad to be, tbh) and ecstatic to FINALLY have a new chapter for this fic lol

Anyways, as promised: I never abandon a fic (it just takes me a lot of time XDDD) so here we go, ch.9!!

Summary: The quarian admiral attacks the dreadnought while Shepard's team is still on board and, as expected, Kaidan doesn't take it too well. Neither does she. Surprisingly, that's not the only way their self-control gets tested in such a short time for, after dealing with all that, they'll need to find the strength of going back to work and not getting lost into one another.

Words: 10450 Rating: Explicit Warnings: oral sex, good old table sex happens too

Read in AO3 -> [link] Previous Chapter -> [link] Next Chapter -> []

Through Hell and Back series -> [link]

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Kaidan walks furiously through the main deck.

He has changed from his combat armor to his uniform so fast that Shepard is still putting on her hoodie by the time he exits the room.

“Shit.” She says, standing up to follow him, doing all she can to finish getting dressed while she walks as fast as possible, in an attempt to catch Kaidan.

Shepard knows that, if the doors of the Normandy weren’t automated, his exit of the room would’ve been accompanied by a loud slam noise, so she follows him, her heart pounding with immeasurable strength against her chest, quite afraid of what he is going to do next.

She manages to narrow the gap between them as they cross the main deck, to the point where, once they pass the meeting room, she’s already close enough to talk to him.

“Major…”

Shepard calls for him, stopping to catch her breath and expecting him to do the same.

But he doesn’t, and that gives Kaidan more than enough time to enter the war room before her.

“... Shit.”

She is expecting to hear him yell the moment the door closes behind him.

A “What the hell is wrong with you!?” or a “Fucking moron”, resounding through the entire ship, followed by the natural response of the rest of the crew and the quarian Admiralty Board.

Maybe a yell back, from admiral Gerrel, screaming some poor excuse at him, in a pointless attempt of justifying his actions.

Or perhaps Legion is already inside the room, which would make the whole ordeal even worse, complicating the situation into something that she no longer has the capacity to picture.

“Shit…”

In just a second, countless different situations pass through her thoughts, each of them worse than the previous one. But, despite all that, her expectations fall dead.

There she is, frozen next to the door that separates her from all these terrifying scenarios, and instead of any of them, all she is able to hear is silence.

And that, no matter how much she thinks about it, scares her even more.

When Shepard finally makes it into the room, she finds exactly what she was hoping she wouldn’t: Kaidan already facing the member of the Admiralty Board that she expected him to be yelling at.

Nevertheless, the silence continues, and not only on Kaidan’s behalf.

She examines the room with care to find the overall reaction to the whole situation.

The bulk of the Alliance soldiers inside the war room appear almost as mad as the mayor, trying their best to hide the relief of having a superior officer who is willing to do what they cannot without jeopardizing their rank.

In fact, the few left that do not want Kaidan to rip out the throat of the quarian in question, are only excluded from that group because they are closer to the door, and the sudden appearance of Shepard has startled them enough to make them forget about their anger.

The silence doesn’t stop there.

The rest of the members of the meeting, the two other quarian admirals, plus the one Kaidan is now facing, seem to have lost their words too, although for completely different reasons.

Admiral Raan doesn’t know where to hide, too embarrassed by the behavior of her fellow board member to know what to say to excuse it.

Admiral Xen, on the other hand, is too busy basking in the glory of their small victory to notice there’s anything else happening in the room.

And last, but definitely not least, there’s admiral Gerrel, now the center of most eyes in the room, who, despite what anyone else would have deemed wise, is not even showing a hint of remorse about his actions.

Instead, he just faces Kaidan with an arrogant tone in his posture, too entranced by his own inner monologue to grasp that almost everyone in the room is eager to punch him.

“Major…” She decides to break the silence, instantly capturing the attention of everyone in the room, except for the one person she was truly aiming to gain.

Kaidan not only keeps staring at the quarian, but he does not even seem to notice Shepard’s presence in the room.

She takes a deep breath and begins walking, thanking whichever god might be listening for their intervention while silently praying so that she'll be able to reach them before what she is fearing starts to happen.

Unluckily for her, it starts to happen.

She goes as fast as she’s able, not wanting to run and add up to the whole dramatic atmosphere, and makes it next to them just in time to see how Kaidan’s silence finally comes to an end.

“Explain.” He demands, more than asks, with a glacial tone of voice, raising his head to lock eyes directly with the quarian.

“Alenko…” She tries one more time but, once again, her voice vanishes into the air without getting any kind of response.

Shepard lowers her head a little, her attention immediately drawn to his hand, clenched into a fist as he struggles to keep all his emotions to himself, and the absence of yells finally makes sense to her.

A flicker of guilt blinks through her face as her heart skips a beat due to her initial assumption, almost ashamed for thinking that, after everything he’s had to endure, he would snap like that in front of everyone.

I should’ve known… She blames herself, her mind piecing together thousands of memories of Kaidan. I should’ve known.

The thought of it starts to haunt her for a second but, right on the verge of getting lost in it, she manages to follow his example and conquer her own feelings.

That’s why he’s standing here in silence, with all his strength focused on his own self-control. That’s why he cannot even hear me.

Shepard feels a strong pressure against her heart, while the many histories he told her about his past keep playing inside her head.

There’s now a mix of sadness and sorrow invading her, as she wonders how he manages to remain stoic where she knows she probably wouldn’t. A small hint of shame follows right after, feeling guilty for thinking that he wouldn’t either.

“Explain? I do not think…”

Before the quarian has the opportunity to further provoke him into going against everything she just deciphered, Shepard gives it one more try, extending her arm to touch him, placing her hand on top of his shoulder.

“Kaidan...” He finally notices her presence.

His hand unclenches the moment he sees her, his entire demeanor easing up within seconds just because of her presence.

“Mio…”

Sounds more similar to a spell than to a normal word, a whisper that chants her name almost as a call for help.

“I'll take it from here, Major.” She says in a surprisingly calm tone of voice, taking into account everything that just happened.

Kaidan takes a deep breath in and out before dedicating her a tired smile and a nod.

“Of course, Commander.” There’s a sense of relief in his voice as he says this, almost as if he wasn't fully convinced either that his self-control would be enough this time around.

Kaidan takes a step back, positioning himself next to Shepard for a couple of seconds before she decides to take one forwards in order to face the admiral.

Any doubts left about the magnitude of the levels of self-control he managed to accomplish, are instantly erased the moment she takes his place, not even wasting a second before engaging with the quarian.

“Now…” She says, with a deep tone in her voice, ready to ask for the exact same but with way more anger than Kaidan did only a few seconds ago, taking her time to formulate the whole word. “Explain.”

If there was tension in the room before, now it has escalated into something even more serious, and it seems that the only one who isn’t able to notice it is the focus of it all, still too blinded by his own inner narrative to understand what everyone else is thinking.

“Explain what?”

Shepard raises one of her eyebrows and, for a second, she doesn’t know how to react to his behavior. Nevertheless, and luckily for her, that confused pause opens a window so that someone else explodes in anger right before she does.

“Explain what!?” Admiral Raan half yells at him, doing her best to control her tone of voice. “Your unilateral strike endangered us all! I should charge you with treason.”

Gerrel stares at her for a second, almost surprised that his fellow board member was the one to pronounce those words.

“I was within my authority as admiral of the Heavy Fleet!” He replies, his voice resonating through the tense atmosphere of the room.

“And what of Shepard? And Tali’Zorah?”

The admiral almost lets a laugh out, finding utterly absurd that his actions could be considered reprehensible.

For a moment, he turns to look at the commander and, even though his face is not visible, the way he moves is more than enough to convey how little significance he gives to both her and the rest of the people who were aboard the dreadnought.

As a whole, he regards the discussion as a complete waste of time, truly unbothered by the gravity of the accusations against him, only annoyed by the fact that people are still yelling at him.

His next decision, unfortunately, is to reply in the exact same fashion. And that, it’s what finally does it.

No one who knows the slightest thing about Shepard would ever mistake her for being short-tempered.

In fact, something that often surprises those around her, the more you get to know her, the more it seems like her patience is limitless. The few that had the chance to really know her, can attest that the assumption is indeed true.

This becomes really evident once you understand the reason behind it.

Survival has been the sole focus of Shepard’s life since she can remember and, to achieve that, she had to learn how not to feel, how not to talk and, most importantly, how not to behave.

And she’s exceptionally good at it.

The insults never bothered her, even before her life started crumbling, when she was only a child with dreams and emotions still untouched.

Everything she knew vanished and despite the horrors of her upbringing, or perhaps because of them, her insight and self-control never failed her.

So, when she got into the Alliance and had to endure the questioning looks and comments about her background, her education, her origins, her gender, her abilities and even about the way she breathed, she was more than used to let everything slide, feeling almost entertained by the prospect of seeing the face of everyone who ever dared to judge her after proving them wrong.

She even got through Cerberus without losing control.

Except for once.

But, even then, she was able to keep it all to herself and paid it later with the wall. That specific wall that now has a twin dent to match that one, added quite recently by her own helmet when she threw it against it.

Nevertheless, one could say, without any trace of hesitation, that after saving the universe an absurd amount of times in the last four years, being dead for two of them to come back to life… The breakups, countless confrontations, battles and way too many conversations with politicians, two dents in a wall, and a broken hand after causing the first of them, are indeed a sign of never-seen before self-control.

And nothing could be more true.

To this day, Shepard's ability to keep calm, or at least to fake it, even in the middle of the wildest tempest she encounters, hasn’t met an equal match yet, not even in Kaidan.

Stoic against every single thing she faces.

Or at least until today.

For, with all said and done, everyone has their limits, even her, and against his better judgment, this quarian that now stands in front of her, with an inexplicable air of moral superiority, has chosen to cross hers to uncharted territories.

“They escaped unharmed! Shepard, the mission parameters changed.”

She looks at him almost in awe at his stupidity, baffled by every word that comes out of the quarian's mouth.

Unsure of what else to do, feeling the anger growing inside of her at an unprecedented speed, she decides to opt for a classic technique, a last attempt to maintain composure, and starts counting to ten inside her head.

One, two…

“You’re military. You understand that.”

She never makes it to three.

“I understand that you wasted your chance to withdraw safely!”

The room falls into complete silence for a moment, the air heavy with extreme disbelief. Everyone in it, whether Alliance soldier or not, wears a shocked expression on their face, completely stunned by Shepard’s reply to the quarian.

“You want to sacrifice your fleet in exchange for nothing, be my guest. But for me, my people come first so, if you aren’t able to control your egomaniacal outbursts, I will not hesitate, even for a second, to abandon all the quarians to the demise you are so eager to lead them to. Do you copy me!?”

“It was the right decision, Shepard.” The admiral’s voice shifts a little, losing the condescending tone, but with the same overall feeling as he adds: “I will not apologize for it. We are at war with the Geth!”

Shepard’s eyes narrow at his response, her patience stretched to its limits as she closes her hand into a fist and, while the rest of the room remains in shock, Kaidan, who is witnessing the small gesture from an unmatched perspective, quickly understands what’s going to happen next.

“That’s the fucking problem, we are at war with the reapers!” Her voice raises even more than before. “The geth are not the ones you should be fighting, they are! And, if you aren’t gonna do anything about it, at least have the decency of not trying to blow up the ones that are trying to stop them!”

“The dreadnought was a perfect targ…”

What Kaidan was fearing becomes a reality and, before the admiral has time to finish his sentence, Shepard closes the small gap between them.

Her arm seems to move back on its own, accumulating more than a tone of tension and, before any other thought crosses her head, she punches the admiral right into the middle of his stomach.

“Ugh!”

Even Kaidan is surprised, despite seeing the punch coming from afar, not expecting the strength it carried along with it, understanding now the amount of anger accumulated in Shepard’s body.

“Admiral, you jeopardized your mission, your people and my people!” The last two words almost choke at her throat, her vocal cords tensing with anger. “Now, get the hell off my ship.”

The way she says ‘my people’ gives Kaidan everything he needs to understand the source of her rage.

She isn’t mad that they almost killed her… She’s furious because they almost killed us… Killed me.

He stares at Shepard, who is too focused on deep breathings to notice the way he is looking at her, with a tint of half guilty and half relief painting her face as she witnesses admiral Gerrel, with one hand glued to his stomach, struggling a bit to walk as he exits the room.

Knowing what comes next, Kaidan tries his best to reach her, not sure what he'll do once he's next to her, but wanting to be there nonetheless.

Unfortunately, the madness of the whole situation quickly claims her attention, and before he’s even able to take more than a step, she’s already into damage control mode.

Despite fully knowing that she’s been way harsher than it is proper or allowed, she doesn’t apologize for it, and even though she regains her usual peaceful demeanor, the tone of her speech remains the same, exposing without hesitation the damage that admiral Gerrel’s actions could do to their alliance.

Once Kaidan is sure that the fire is over, and aware that there’s nothing he can add or do to help her, he takes a step back from the whole situation and lets her alone to deal with the whole ordeal as she recovers little by little some of that stoic persona that she adopts whenever she deals with politicians.

Still, he wants to talk to her about everything that just happened, so he decides to leave the room and walk to her cabin, a more suitable environment to have that kind of conversation.

When Shepard is eventually free and retires herself to her quarters, Kaidan is already inside waiting for her.

“I know, I know…” She sighs and huffs, stating out loud her thoughts from the moment she enters through the door . “I know.”

Kaidan smiles, which he knows he shouldn’t, but is unable to help it, finding her reaction too charming to avoid it.

There’s a second where he almost considers to lecture her about her behavior, but the idea never gets to fully form, knowing he would’ve probably ended up doing the same thing if it wasn’t for her intervention.

Instead he just sighs, placing one hand on his hip as he waits for her on the other side of the room, maintaining the smile that adorns his face.

The sweet view relaxes her a little, grateful to have Kaidan’s support through all this madness.

“I know I shouldn’t have punched him.” She declares while crossing her room in record time to sit on the bed and take off her boots. “I know.”

Kaidan starts to sense the heavy amount of stress building up on her, aware that, despite what everyone else wanted, she must not be happy with the way her body took that decision without listening to her brain.

“It’s alright… It'll be, at least.” He sits next to her, resting his right foot on top of his knee. “Nothing you can do about it now…” He lets his body fall a little towards her, nudging her shoulder. “Just focus on the next step, that’s all left to do.”

“Urgg…” She groans, letting all her weight fall to lie on the bed. “Yeah… I guess it’s all damage control now.”

He turns a little to look at her, watching her as she goes through every detail on her mind.

“Luckily I’ve somehow managed to end up on the victorious end of the exchange with the rest of the quarians.” She says out loud, both to process the state of the situation and to inform him of what he missed. “Maybe because of Tali’s intervention once you left, or because admiral Raan wanted to hit him as much as I did, we’ll never know, but at least I haven’t broken any potential alliance… Yet.”

“Yet? You sell yourself short, Shepard.”

“You were there too, Alenko.”

“Yeah, and would’ve been the one to hit the admiral if it weren’t for you.” He lies next to her, turning a little to face her before he continues. “Everyone would’ve… We’re human, after all.”

He laughs a little but she doesn’t follow, which is enough for him to understand there’s something else bothering her.

“What are you afraid to break, then?”

She almost smiles, amazed and elated, even after all this time, by the fact that she doesn’t even need to talk for him to understand her.

“I’ve called for another meeting, conclave… Whatever you wish to call it.” Shepard sighs, dreading even the thought of it. “Part of the damage control, and to see if we can do something about all this shitshow.”

“A meeting?”

“Yup. Two quarian admirals, three, counting Tali, Garrus will be there too, representing primark Victus and, if my messages are correct, I think Wrex will attend from remote using the quantum comm system which, I’m already fearing, is gonna be something for the books, if you ask me.”

She brings her arm to her head, covering her eyes, counting the many things that could go wrong as she speaks.

“And to tie it all up, Legion is gonna be there too, as spokesperson… Spokespeople?” She considers the term for a moment. “Spokesmachine? Who knows…” Shepard laughs a little at her own comment, not knowing what else to do. “To represent the geth consensus, basically. Because the situation wasn’t difficult enough already.”

She is expecting Kaidan to say something but, when he doesn’t, moves her arm back to its normal resting place so she can look at him.

Shepard recognizes the expression on his face right away, but not knowing the cause of it, she just waits with an inquisitive look for him to share his concerns.

“So…” Kaidan finally says, while trying to link everything inside his mind. “You befriended a geth…”

She’s shocked for a few seconds until her thoughts catch up with her and understands that, the thing that’s so natural for her right now, may seem close to impossible from the outside.

An intelligent machine not only saved her life, twice now, but also helped her take down the collectors and, she’s quickly realizing, that all that information must be quite new for Kaidan.

“Ah, yeah…” She laughs, still not knowing what else to do, moving a little in order to face him.

Her first instinct is to come up with an explanation, but the whole story seems so complicated that she doesn’t even know where to start.

“You’ll see…” She tries her best to explain. “Last year, was a bit weird…”

“That’s an understatement.”

They both start laughing, for real this time around.

“I mean, I read the reports that said you were working with a geth but… I don’t know. I needed to see it to believe it, I guess.” Kaidan adds as he smiles. “Talks a lot about that quarian admiral though.”

“What?”

“Well, you were able to make an ally of the geth. How stupid do you have to be to anger someone who’s that diplomatic?” Kaidan laughs, a bit in disbelief. “You even managed to peacefully deal with the rachni, holy shit… And that moron singlehanded succeeded in making you punch him in less than three minutes.”

“I guess…”

There’s a moment of silence there before she decides to continue.

“I’m assuming you’ll have questions…” He looks at her with confusion. “Bout the whole Legion thing.”

He doesn’t give the idea a second thought before replying to her comment.

“No, it’s okay.” There’s a hint of astonishment on her face as he begins to explain himself. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m still surprised, but I mean… You called it, them, your friends. That’s more than enough for me.” He smiles at her. “I trust you.”

Shepard sighs a little, relieved and overwhelmed by the feeling caused by the way he just said that.

“Thanks…” She barely whispers, turning to face him and scooting a bit closer in order to kiss him.

“My pleasure.” The smile on his face deepens even more. “I’d like to hear the whole story one day if we ever have the time, though. If you don’t mind.”

“Sure.” Shepard mirrors his expression, moving one hand to rest on his chest.

She lets her head fall a little, giving him a place to rest his own.

The scent of her shampoo greets him as an old friend, mixed with the usual hints of sweat, blood and deodorant that surrounds any Alliance soldier who puts a foot into the battlefield.

Kaidan wonders what he must smell like right now, a thought that almost tempts him to break the closeness between them but, despite his worries, he stays there for a while, glued to her, only moving to comb some of her hair behind her ear.

The gesture makes her move a little in order to face him and is quickly welcomed by a warm and tired smile, their gaze locking into one, choosing the dangerous prospect of losing themselves into each other’s eyes.

There’s an unspoken second of devotion there. One of those moments that appear to float in wonder instead of being grounded to reality. Feelings so deep and solid that almost seem to pierce themselves into their owners’ hearts.

Just for a moment, everything else disappears, except for them, floating alone in a realm of their own, with the pressure of all their feelings carving its way into their souls.

Only for a second, they are truly alone. Alone in her room but also alone to each other, no thought of anything else but them occupying their minds.

However, rare miracles do not last for long, and this one is not an exception.

What comes fast disappears at the same pace, and before it can survive any longer, she makes sure to break it before it escalates to something even deeper.

The pressure of so many feelings pounding inside her chest is something she’s still getting used to but, above everything, she fears the many hours that this moment may grow into if she lets it happen.

She doesn’t let it happen.

With her previously shattered self-control now fully recovered, she puts an end to it, lowering the two of them back to reality with a single move, shifting her head to look at her wardrobe as she tries to focus on her work again.

“Anyways,” she stretches her neck, “I should be getting ready…” The last word loses its strength as it comes out of her mouth, eyes still fixed on the furniture in question.

There's a split second of silence there, as Kaidan returns back to his own self too.

“What, don’t wanna enter a room full of politicians wearing your hoodie?” He teases her, once he’s able.

“Wish I could…” She stands up from the bed in record time, facing her dresser with a slightly annoyed look on her face. “Now, let's see if I can do something to undo the grave the quarians have dug for themselves.”

Kaidan stands up too, knowing that both their moment and their conversation have come to an end and, after a good luck said as a farewell, he starts walking towards the door at an unhurried pace.

To his eyes, she seems to feel better, which makes him feel better too, but only a few steps afar from the door he hears a subtle sigh, and that's more than enough to make him stop and turn, seeing her pull out her formal clothes almost with disgust.

Unsure of what else to do, tired of over analyzing everything, Kaidan puts his brain to rest for a little and just does what comes natural for him.

“You know, if you need help…” He tells her from the other side of the room. “You only need to ask.”

She smiles a little, her mind making a thousand innuendos before she understands the true meaning behind his words.

“Oh, with the meeting.”

“Yeah… With the meeting.”

He starts walking all the way back to her.

It takes him perhaps three seconds to get there, but they pack many thoughts in between them to not develop them further.

The first is dedicated exclusively to deciphering her words, followed by another to process them.

The last one, is fully focused on drafting an effective comeback.

Despite being a pure and innocent offer at the beginning, he quickly understands in which way her mind has twisted his words to cause hers and, more than willing to follow the path she’s taken for the both of them, Kaidan savors his possibilities, unable to avoid smiling a little on his lasts steps back to her.

“More than glad to help with anything you need, ma’am.”

The reply takes her by surprise, giving him the opportunity to rest his hands on her waist before she’s able to reply, an ability that’s completely lost the moment he tugs from her to close the little gap left between them.

There’s something close to shock in her expression, mixed with shyness and excitement on equal parts, and the view of it makes Kaidan smile even further.

He considers for an instant the path his actions could lead to but, no matter how much all of him would like to walk right through it, it’s now his turn to exercise the same self-control she displayed less than a minute ago, so he pulls back, just as she did, before he is no longer able to do so.

Kaidan grins from ear to ear, scouring the room as he attempts to teach his body to follow his wishes or, better said, to not fully follow them.

“Sorry, it wasn’t my initial motivation…” He clears his throat. “I swear.”

Shepard smiles as he says that, always happy to see Kaidan forget his formal ways around her.

“But, in all seriousness now, I can go to the meeting if you need me to.” He stares at her. “You know I don’t mind these things as much as you do.”

Shepard sighs, considering the prospects of his proposal.

“It would be nice.” She takes a few seconds to consider the idea. “I mean… I fear that if I go in there alone I’m gonna strangle somebody, or something worse.”

“You only need to ask, Mio.”

The mention of her name warms her heart in a way that she would’ve deemed impossible a few years ago, finding relief in what used to haunt her not too long ago.

Shepard doesn’t need to give it a second thought before accepting his offer.

“Mind to join me, Kaidan?”

There’s no hesitation on his answer either.

“Whatever you command.”

He closes the distance again and, without breaking eye contact, grabs her hand and vows a little to kiss it, not leaving more than an inch between them as he recovers his posture. “I should go change into my formal uniform then…”

There’s an audible gulp.

She almost loses it again, needing to break eye contact and quickly pulling her hand from his grasp, taking a step backwards while her mind keeps yelling control in an endless loop inside her head.

“Later…” She kinda mumbles, unable to talk any louder.

Kaidan leaves the room after that, smiling from ear to ear, and with a: “Yeah… Later” whispered as his last reply before he exits.

After a much needed moment to recover, she turns her attention back to the wardrobe.

The smile is lost in an instant and, the feelings that seemed to be the biggest threat to distract her from her dutty only a moment ago, are quickly forgotten as her hands reach for her formal uniform once again.

The sigh that comes out of her is even deeper this time around, with almost hints of disgust mixed with it as she stares at her clothes.

Shepard’s relationship with her uniform was a tumultuous one from her very beginning at the Alliance.

She wasn’t alone in her feelings, of course, there were many who didn’t like the design, nor the fit, but Shepard never cared enough about fashion to even consider them part of the problem.

After her humble and more than rocky path to adulthood, she had never had the chance to develop a style of her own, nor had the means to afford it, so the way the uniform looked never bothered her at all.

For Shepard clothing was all about functionality, and she only needed two things present in whatever she was wearing: protection and comfort.

This last one, was where she started to have problems with the Alliance uniform.

Her regular clothes weren’t as bad as her gala attire, but there were hard edges where she didn’t want them, itchy seams here and there, and a belt so big that almost forced her to remain standing if she didn’t want it poking into her skin.

The formal uniform had all these defects as well, but added many more to the mix, making it even more difficult to move her body while wearing it.

Nevertheless she wore it without complaining and, at the beginning, it was only a minor inconvenience that she quickly learned to live with.

It wasn’t until she was four years into the Alliance that a new factor was added to the discomfort.

Even before Akuse, her ideals had already begun to crumble as she gained insight into the inner workings of the Alliance. However, the consequences of said mission, along with the factors that led to its failure, were more than enough to taint Shepard’s vision of the Alliance to a whole new level.

And the clothing, that only used to matter for protection and comfort, earned a third attribute on her list, as she realized they were also a symbol. A symbol she no longer wanted to wear.

Because of that, an unconscious behavior more than a deliberate choice, she began to avoid wearing it as much as she could, staying longer in her combat gear than needed and choosing civilian clothes in leaves, not wanting to wear it more than it was mandatory.

Thinking about all this she starts to take her current clothes.

The pants are so old that there are no longer traces of the Alliance insignia and, both the t-shirt and the jacket that used to cover it, were abandoned long ago, are now replaced for their N7 equivalents: a black tank top and a hoodie.

She takes off this last one and lets it fall to the ground, granting her full view of her own arms.

The sight of them perturbs her a little, as it’s been doing for more than a year now, looking at the perfect and immaculate skin that adorns them as if it was a curse.

The scars, the scratches, the tattoos… Even most of her moles are gone, courtesy of Cerberus, and the idea of it saddens her more than she could’ve ever imagined.

The arms aren’t the only ones that got that treatment and, as she takes off her pants, she remembers what her legs felt like, burning inside of her suit as was stranding in space, suffocating, just before crashing into Alchera.

“Geth attacks my ass…” She mumbles, as the view of her legs reminisce her of the excruciating pain that’s no longer marked into her skin, but which memory will forever scorch inside of her.

She half grunts while kicking the discarded clothes closer to the wardrobe.

“Ah yeah… The reapers.”

Shepard imitates the tone that was used on her the first time she heard the comment, feeling the long years that she spent screaming about the upcoming war pressuring onto her heart.

The first but not last. She tried many, countless times, but almost no one in the Alliance listened to her and, the few that did, didn’t move a finger either.

“Not true, they put me in charge once they could no longer deny their existence.”

She adds in a satiric tone of voice, half laughing with a hint of despair.

Shepard stares at the ceiling for a second, bottling back most of her anger while taking a deep breath.

“Happy thoughts, Mio… Happy thoughts.” Her brain goes back to the past but, this time around, in search of something that helps her to put on her clothes. “Anderson did try to help you. He’s still trying.”

A smile, a faint and weak smile, but a smile nonetheless, appears on her face as she focuses on that thought.

It’s not a lot but is enough to get her started, and as she begins to get into her formal uniform, her mind travels to a well known place.

It’s always more bitter than sweet, to think about her early days in the Alliance after what happened in Akuze, but for some reason this time around it isn’t.

Right now, her will is just looking for the good things hidden behind her suffering and, almost unknowingly, she engages in a well too practiced routine, a personal mantra of her own, and just focuses on the one thing that’s keeping her in the Alliance: the people.

Not the high ups, the corrupted or the politicians, but the soldiers, the individuals she’s met throughout the years, the people that actually get things done.

With every new item of clothing she names one of them inside her head.

The bulk of the list has been dead for a while now, or will be soon, she fears, thanks to the war. But, no matter what, they’re still worth fighting for.

And just like that, the names travel through her mind creating a bittersweet road for her will to travel while she gets ready, for all intents and purposes, for her next battle.

The uniform is finally on and, almost as if the universe did it to annoy her, it fits her perfectly.

The seams align themselves right where they’re supposed to, the length of the sleeves is immaculate and even the trousers, which she usually has problems finding ones that aren’t too short for her height, end right after her ankle, offering a clear view of her new and uncomfortable shoes.

Her whole uniform is in fact new, not only the shoes, which somehow makes her hate it even more.

You have to wear it down to earn it. Shepard adds, in her mind, as she fixes the final details, the long lost words of an old mentor that would be entirely lost, if not for her.

One last look into the mirror, an exhale and a nod. Then she’s ready to leave.

Shepard goes all the way from her cabin to the main deck, heading to the war room and, to her dismay, she notices the effect the uniform is having among the crew of the Normandy.

Everyone stands more stiffly than usual, quicker, looks focused on her when she passes by them and whispers of anticipation once she leaves, unknowingly reacting to this image of Shepard that is so unusual for them.

She takes a second once she makes it to her destiny, readjusting the stiff collar of the jacket, and breathes deeply before entering the room. The moment she puts a foot on it, the whole mood changes.

Thanks to her hesitation while dressing herself, Shepard is indeed fashionably late but, once she crosses the threshold of the door, her own worries and preferences are gone and, despite being the last one to enter the room, the way she carries herself quickly gains everyone's attention.

All looks are now on her, but hers are intentionally focusing on no one.

There’s a strange feeling that tells Shepard that, if anyone else gets a word in edgeways, she will lose control of the meeting and everyone will start to yell at each other. So she starts talking the second she sets foot in the room, exposing all the collected intel while doing her best to target her eyes at the exposed data, fearing that looking at anyone would give them the idea to say anything at all.

To her favor, the strategy works extremely well for a while, with everyone more focused on Shepard than in the grudge they hold against each other.

Nevertheless, she cannot talk forever and, just as she feared, the moment she stops, Hell quickly gets loose and everyone starts to gradually yell in order to be heard.

Garrus maintains a civil voice at the beginning but, in his endeavor of balancing his attention, he ends up forgetting his manners, dividing his efforts between exposing the turian’s priorities, as a representative of primark Victus, and helping Tali with anything she attempts to say.

Despite trying his best, Tali’s voice is muffled by many others, screaming at each other while she attempts with all her will, but still fails, to keep the peace between all the races present there.

To her dismay, the voices that are more distinguishable right now are the ones talking without basic peace at mind, combining into a loud mix of many questionable ideas and opinions.

We have the intertwined with static voice of Wrex, yelling incoherent things over the comm system, extremely mad at the quarians after learning what the now not present admiral did to the dreadnought while Shepard was still in it.

The two other admirals, to add into the chaos, are way too busy with their own discussion to pay any kind of attention or reply to his complaints.

Raan is entranced in a monologue about the importance of sending a team to rescue Admiral Koris that, in all fairness, would be making way more sense if she wasn’t fighting at the same time against Xen’s attempts to discredit her, interested in taking the upper hand of the meeting and only stopping her remarks here and there to express her willingness to dismantle Legion at any given opportunity.

Legion, on their part, is surprisingly, and despite all this, the more sane voice among the group, stating only the given facts and doing extremely well at countering the admiral’s attempts to deconstruct them.

Unfortunately, everything they say gets immediately lost in the general chaos of the room.

Anyone else would have followed the example of the rest of the members of the meeting: screaming until I am heard. But not Legion.

After analyzing everything in nanoseconds, they come to the conclusion that any intervention will be disregarded, so Legion, instead of adding to the general madness, decide that stepping back and gathering data to process it is a better use of their time.

After many attempts to regain control of the room, Shepard gives up too, but for a completely different reason.

She’s had a very long day, and comes to the conclusion that, the best way to go through this, is to let them yell to each other as much as they need. So she just takes a few steps backwards and rests her weight against the glass walls, taking a few seconds to breathe.

For the first time since she entered the room, she raises her head and sees the only member who’s been silent through the entire meeting.

Kaidan is on the opposite side of the room, a bit separated from the others, trying his best to understand each and every point of view, with hands supporting some of his weight as they rest on top of the table that’s in between all of them.

So she raises her head, looks at Kaidan and, for the first time in her life, the Alliance dress uniform suddenly feels like the most beautiful thing she’s ever witnessed.

She looks away for a moment, but her eyes quickly betray her and move back to him for, no matter how much self-control anyone has developed throughout the entire history of the current cycle of life in their galaxy, and the many before this one, it would never be enough to not make her look again, not enough to avoid forgetting about this whole entire meeting and is not enough, and would never be enough, to keep her from staring in awe.

So, while the rest of the people gathered there are way too busy half screaming at one another, the only thing that remains for her is Kaidan, and the table that selfishly separates them.

Of course, to her eyes, Kaidan is always handsome, breathtaking on most occasions, but the formal uniform is having an effect on her that she could've never anticipated.

Details that she considered deeply annoying only a few minutes ago, turn quickly into reasons to keep looking at him. Her eyes, no longer under her control, go deep into an extensive study of the matter.

The uniform doesn’t seem more used than hers but, under further inspection, she notices it’s an older model than her own.

Way older, not old fashioned or runned down, but she can tell that, apart from the jacket, more recently acquired after his promotion, the rest of the pieces have details no longer featured in newer versions.

Nevertheless, this is something visible perhaps only for Shepard, having both the in-depth knowledge about the Alliance formal wear and the interest in scanning the mayor’s body whenever the opportunity is presented.

So, to everyone else, it only looks like any other dress uniform, kept in perfect condition and apparently brand new, perhaps a little ill fitting if one wanted to compare it to Shepard’s, which it’s been chosen with her current measurements in mind.

But, after all, saying that something is ill fitting, is a more subjective term than one may imagine.

What is clear is that, after many years of training, the attire is a bit smaller than it should, thanks to the gained muscle throughout his career, making even the jacket, despite being the newest addition to the outfit, suit quite tightly against his body.

To some degree that could be considered ill fitting, especially for the more ruthless and old school officers, but, for Shepard, the general opinion is quite the opposite and, what she has in mind to describe it, would fall closer to distracting than to ill fitting.

Kaidan turns to talk with Legion, perhaps because they seem like the only ones in the room willing to listen and, after a few moments in their conversation, she sees him smile a little, just a little, but it’s more than enough to be extremely heartwarming.

He, even more than her, had been fed for years into having animosity against the geth, institutionalized in their upbringing in the Alliance and, to be real, in every single organic society.

So, seeing him so calm and willing to be open, brings back the familiar pressure against her soul that only he is able to cause.

By the way she sees Kaidan reacting to what Legion is saying, how he speaks to them and, most importantly, how he smiles, she quickly realizes that they are talking about her, confirmed as Kaidan turns to meet her gaze only for a second, deepening the glee reflected on his face before redirecting his attention back at the geth.

If things inside the room were starting to vanish for her before, they are completely gone after that, being only left right now: him, her and the table he’s still leaning on.

Kaidan's attention goes back to Legion, but that doesn’t help her either for, with the movement, perhaps aided by the tight fit of the jacket, the first button of his uniform becomes undone, offering a clearer view of Kaidan’s neck from where she’s resting.

Her right hand moves slowly on its own, imagining how she’d take care of the next one if she was able.

Shepard toys with the idea of what she would do with that if they were alone in the room, her fingers moving a little by her side as she pictures herself slowly unbuttoning the third clasp, and she can almost feel his reaction on them, imagining him gulping as he does his best to remain stoic.

Kaidan does that sometimes, pretending the touch of her skin doesn’t affect him, perhaps because he is unknowingly aware that this usually challenges her to prove him wrong.

How she wishes to prove him wrong right now.

With every second she spends looking at him, the more her opinion about the formal uniform gets twisted. Morals, memories and ideals are quickly forgotten in favor of the way the clothes hug every inch of his body as she wishes she could do right now.

Her priorities get upside down too and now, rather than focussing her efforts in getting out of the meeting, and her galas, as soon as possible, she’s drowning in the prospect of getting rid of his uniform instead.

Shepard traces the steps on her mind, trying to tame her hand to stop moving along with her imagination.

She knows that, after the first buttons, his neck would be completely uncovered. She also knows that she wouldn’t be able to resist the invitation.

Her hand tangling in his hair while she attacks, leaving a trail of kisses and nibbles while she rests her weight against him, both of them supported by the table.

The other hand, also eager to be a part of the exchange, would roam his body, mapping everything her eyes were witnessing with such despair.

She can hear the soft moans. His and hers.

Can feel his hands, resting at her hips to pull her closer, as he always does, even if it’s physically impossible to leave less space between them, humming something similar to a low growl as she presses herself against him without stopping her attack.

Her own hand, abandoning his hair to travel south, resuming its prior argument with the buttons of his jacket and, of course, after winning it, it’s extremely happy to find there’s nothing below it for once.

The next step seems only obvious.

She grabs him by the collar and kisses him until they forget for a second they need to breathe to remain alive, only stopping so that her mouth is able to follow her hand’s example and wanders downwards, treating his chest and abs with the same treatment as his neck.

Shepard can hear him laughing a little, deep and sultry, a mix between a moan and a giggle, as she starts to take care of the buttons of his trousers now that the ones of his jacket have been defeated.

The moment her lips reach the place they were headed, his uniform is no longer a problem, as her hands have undone his pants and lowered them enough, along with his underwear, to welcome her just in time.

One last kiss, placed right on the lower part of his stomach, is followed by a new trail to the upper side of his leg as she kneels before him, adopting a more comfortable position as her mouth gets closer to her target.

Her left hand surrounds his hardness, winning her a moan, while the other grips around his leg, both for stability and because she knows the effect that motion tends to cause.

She is in the right.

Kaidan moves his hands too, one on the table, also to maintain his balance, the other to her hair, stroking it in a loving way as he does his best to control his breathing.

His eyes are directed towards the ceiling, focussing in nothing in particular, and she takes that as another challenge so, now that she’s as comfortable as it gets, she starts moving her left hand, in a slow motion, altering the pressure at the same time as its position, using her thumb to caress the tip of his cock as she does so.

“Mio…”

There it is again.

Her name.

A shiver roams her entire body as she hears him say it. The fact that the whisper is followed by his gaze, doesn’t help her either.

Distraction aside, she doesn’t lose her focus.

“God…” He sighs, as her hand keeps working on him. “Mio.”

She smiles at him, bathes on the sight of his face as he pants, struggling a little to breathe, and starts her offensive.

In a moment, before his brain has the time to prepare for it, her lips are surrounding him. Her hand keeping the grip while her mouth gets used to the novelty of his presence.

His first moan after all that is quite controlled, having everything into consideration but, once she adds her tongue to the mix, most of his self-control is quickly lost.

She uses it to travel its length with a rippling motion and, with her hand leaving more space for her as it anchors to his leg, she starts to move her head even more, taking all his length into her mouth so that she can feel his reaction to the whole motion deep into her throat.

The pace of her rhythm and his moans grow at equal speed.

She is moaning too. Everytime she feels him getting even harder her whole body reacts: her hands increase the strength of their grip, her legs tremble a little, her tempo gets faster and, what started as a warm sensation, is now a full on fire, demanding his presence somewhere else once her mouth is done with him.

One of her hands travels to her own body, desperate to comply with some of its requests and, without neglecting her attention to Kaidan, undoes her own pants, quickly finding its way where it's more wanted, humming in pleasure with every new movement of her fingers.

As a reply to all this, he gets even harder, and they get tangled in a loop of pants and moans that goes for a while, until she decides to take it even further.

Fully aware of the effect it's going to cause, she slows the pace just enough to be able to contract her throat, with her eyes looking up directly at him to see his reaction.

The view is completely priceless.

His head falls down as he lets out a new kind of moan, a mix of pleasure and surprise that covers his body as he tries his best to control himself, failing a little as the grip on her hair gets even stronger.

Kaidan’s eyes are closed, but having her mouth where she has it, he can feel her smile for a moment before repeating the action a second time, and the a third and, when he starts to think he’s gotten used to the sensation, she decides to add back into the mix everything else she was doing until now, composing a symphony of pleasure that takes almost all the power left in him.

There’s a moment of hesitation there.

Under the attack of hundreds of waves of bliss, his body doesn’t know what to do, a part of it begging for him to make this last as long as possible while another tells him to grab her head and lose himself in the depths of her throat.

He wishes both of them where possible, but a choice must be taken.

Nevertheless, he’s too late to be the one to choose.

Under the same wave of conflict, Shepard is quicker to take a path and, dedicating special attention to her last lick, she moves backwards and stands up.

The confusion on his face lasts only for a second, understanding everything the moment she pushes him against the table, making him lay completely on it except for the lower part of his legs which remain hanging from the edge.

Kaidan uses his own feet to take off his shoes and, right after, moves a little to take off his pants.

At the same time, Shepard is busy doing basically the same but, perhaps thanks to how much she despises what she’s wearing, she’s able to get rid of her entire uniform and underwear in the same time that it takes him to remove two items of clothing.

She’s on top of him in record time and, completely desperate at this point, has already decided to throw the forplay out of the window.

No more caresses, or nibbles, or kisses.

She doesn’t even wait for him to look at her as she usually does.

His body is more than ready and that’s good enough for her.

Without a second thought, she aligns herself and lets gravity do the rest of the work, focussing on the sensation that fills her as she closes her grip on his shoulders.

Despite not being consulted, Kaidan is thrilled with the path taken. His hands, ready to show her his agreement, bask in the pleasure of surrounding her ass to push her even closer to him.

That’s all she needs.

After that warm invitation she starts moving against him right away, using all her body to ride him as they crash together against the table.

She can feel the cold of the room, the soreness of her back, still not fully recovered after a battle injury, and the pain in her knees, getting scratched and bruised by the table every time she pounds all her weight against him.

She doesn’t care.

With every motion, every push, she feels him filling her more and more, and all her senses are way too focused on finding new depths within herself to be worried about any coldness or pain.

She would usually study him, tease him, look for new ways to pleasure him as they join into one, but not today.

For the second time today she’s out of self-control, so she grips and scratches his body with her nails before anchoring one hand on his neck for stability, allowing her to crash against him even harder.

Then again, Kaidan doesn’t mind not being taken in such consideration as usual, and is just focused on taking in the whole experience.

Her body lowers, seeking for him, and as she speeds the pace, she kisses him with more need than ever, panting, moaning and screaming while she repeats the action countless times, mixing all of this with playful bites to his lower lip or to his jaw.

The rhythm rises to a new high, as does the strength she uses to ram against him.

Her cries, intelligible for a moment, get high enough to travel to another galaxy, intertwining with his own into a loud melody, before losing all their power, giving way to a collection of way too intense moans to be audible as she reaches new peaks of pleasure.

She comes first.

He is second.

And then she comes again, as a direct response of feeling and seeing him reach his climax.

Her entire body falls on top of him, struggling to breathe, fighting all the pleasure that builds in her body as it begs her for a hat-trick.

Kaidan hugs her with all his strength, taking a few seconds to recover before being able to talk.

“You okay?”

She feels his words caressing her neck, sending an electric wave though her body.

“Shepard…”

The voice gets muffled, distant even, her brain doing her best to regain control of her body.

“Shepard.”

And just like that, reality hits her.

She raises her head for the first time in many minutes.

“You okay?”

Garrus stares at her with a preoccupied look on his eyes and, after seeing her shaking her head a couple of times, he starts to fear the worst.

“Look at us…” Admiral Raan intervenes, being able to do so thanks to the unprecedented silence that invades the room now that all eyes are fixed on Shepard. “Complaining and arguing with each other, while the commander was almost blown up by admiral Gerrel just now, after we don’t know how many missions without rest.”

The worry in most of their eyes, turns now to shame, thinking that Shepard’s disconnection from the meeting is due to being tired.

“We should end the meeting now that we have exposed our problems.” Tali adds, displeased with her part in all of it. “You’ll have more than enough to make a choice.”

She tries her best, in vain, to remember anything said in the good 20 minutes she blacked out of reality.

She moves a little to gain time, developing a thoughtful expression as she pretends to consider whatever she’s supposed to while everyone in the room stares at her, expecting an answer to a question she cannot remember, while she does a remarkable job at faking that she does.

But she doesn’t fool Kaidan.

There’s a strange look on his face for a moment, not understanding the situation at all, but once he notices that she needs help he doesn’t hesitate to act.

“So, to sum up…” The attention of the entire room moves now to him, relieving Shepard of said pressure. “We mainly have two options: going to rescue admiral Korris or going to hack the geth mainframe Legion told us about.”

“Okaaaayy…”

She says slowly, with all the gears in her brain working at full capacity while she analises this information.

“I need to look… More, into these considerations. And you are perhaps right, admiral, in me and my crew needing some time before heading to the next mission. I will ask, then, for a…” There’s an imperceptible pause there, fearing they had sended the information already. “New… Updated reports, of both you and Legion, with any possible changes during our break. If we all agree that would be all.”

Everyone looks at her, quite content with the decision and the overall ending of the meeting.

She can overhear a “done” from Legion, who has already sent the actualized information to her as everyone starts to leave.

“Well I…” Raan stops on her way out. “I’ll need… Fifteen, perhaps twenty minutes.” She says, not really knowing how to react to the geth’s speed in their task compared to hers.

“Don’t worry, take your time.” Shepard gives her a tired smile.

The geth are the last to exit, except for the two of them.

She’s still in the same position she’s had for most of the meeting, resting most of her weight against the clear wall.

After a second of enjoying the longed for silence that finally comes back to the room, he gets closer to her.

“You okay?”

“Hum…” She replies, in a higher pitch than her usual, letting her head rest against the wall.

“You sure?”

He takes another step, narrowing even more the distance between them.

“Yeah… Distracted, that’s all.” She clarifies.

“What about?” There’s no hint of playfulness or teasing in his face as he says this, completely oblivious to what Shepard’s just been through. “You can tell me.”

She smiles, breathes little and lets him know the depths of her current feeling with a single word.

“Later.”

The memory of their many innuendos in the last few days manifest themselves on his mind to the sound of it, causing a deep smile on his face followed but a low giggle.

“Really?” Kaidan half asks in awe. “Now?”

Shepard moves her hand to point herself, using her own uniform to explain the origin of the shaking that ended up causing the avalanche.

“You have an unbutton…”

They lock eyes for a moment, completely lost in each other, before the moment is broken by a sound at the door.

“Later.” She states, while Legion enters the room.

He takes a second before nodding back at her, taking the opportunity to let her see how he clasps the undone button of his uniform before leaving the room, a deep smile invading his face as he states his own goodbye.

“Later.”

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#mass effect #commander shepard #shenko #kaidan alenko #shepard x kaidan #fshenko #mass effect 3 #femshep x kaidan #fanfic #EDI play careless whisper

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