#feral sammy lives in my head rent-free

[transmascdeanwinchester]

You got any trans man dean headcanons? 👀

I don’t know when u sent this so sorry if I’m answering late!!!

Also I just have the basic bitch set of trans dean headcanons tbh but they make me go feral so I will repeat them!!

- lazurus rising when cas brought dean back he put him in the body he’s always deserved (the mirror scene lives in my head rent free baby!)

- teenage dean stealing testosterone from hospitals and pharmacies when he had the chance bc they moved around too much for him to have a stable prescription pickup plan

- John being pissed for awhile that dean’s not his “perfect little girl” like he thought but getting over it bc dean is so determined to emulate him to prove his masculinity that it just makes him a better more fierce hunter and protector so John gets over it in like a year (Dean’s always been Like That anyway,,, in the grand scheme of things it’s less Distracting to have this small ongoing conflict that John just calls him Dean and does the passive aggressive “you wanna be a man? Act like it.” bullshit you know how it goes)

- Dean knowing he’s not a girl from a young age (like probably about 6) and teaches Sam to call him Dean and that he’s his brother from the time sammy can talk (Sam doesn’t learn Dean’s name is legally Deanna until he’s starting middle school)

- Dean binding in his teens by wearing those tank tops that are like skin tight but also stretchy material? With the built in bra part? he wears two of those under all the Normal Winchester layers and it gives him the flat chest (what isn’t flattened completely gets lost under his dad’s leather jacket he wears to school every day)

- it goes without saying but Dean, age 7, cut his hair for the first time in a shitty hotel bathroom mirror by trying to copy a dude in a shaving ad in a magazine (John didn’t even notice for three days)

- Dean gets top surgery after sam goes to Stanford when he’s supposed to be on a solo hunt (he tells John he’s hunting something but really he’s recovering at Bobby’s)

- Bobby, we are not surprised, is a good father figure and shut that shit down when dean explains that he’s just gonna hole up in a motel once he gets his surgery (“Boy, do you know how fucking dirty motel linens are? I am NOT letting you die from an infection and most certainly not leaving you Alone for months defenseless”)

- Dean using makeup to make his jawline a little sharper and more square even tho the iffy food situation growing up made sure he barely has any roundness to his face to begin with

- on the flip side dean playing up his fem features to use as a distraction when he hustles pool

- dean training his voice by trying to copy the sound of his favorite singers voices (and John since he hears his voice most consistently)

- dean knocking the shit out of transphobes (the comments don’t even have to be directed at him, he hears them and it’s ON SIGHT no question)

- dean acting like a womanizer bc that’s what Men Do and it’s all just literally part of his carefully constructed hyper masculine image bc it’s so so difficult to pick up anyone when what’s under theclothes don’t match what can be seen on the surface (Cassie is the first person he sleeps with and he’s so terrified but she doesn’t care holy shit she doesn’t care?)

- Dean chooses to keep his name close to his birth name bc that’s the name his mother gave him and he doesn’t want to disrespect her by completely changing it

- On the topic of dean’s hyper masculine image he constructs it from a mix of John and from the action movies he studies religiously when he has the chance (this is what boys like this is what every man dreams of being I have to like this too-) even tho he has enough action and violence in his actual life thanks,

- Dean not being big on faith because he can’t imagine some higher power choosing to make him be born in the wrong body and make him work so hard to fix it himself like life wasn’t hard Enough

- Dean being so immensely pleased when word gets around the monster worlds about the Winchester Brothers,,, the validity of your reputation being cemented in the way you’ve carefully crafted it to be

- Dean rationalizing that it’s okay for him to spend time and energy on making sure he’s presenting masc and getting the body language and mannerisms down because it helps him be better at his jobs as protector of his family and as a hunter (men are thought of as stronger/scarier, men are taken more seriously when interviewing locals/victim’s families, more authority is afforded to men)

- dean almost shooting a man in a bar bathroom when he’s fourteen and just needed to deal with shark week stuff real quickly but this drunk decided a “teenage girlie only has one use in a men’s bathroom” but dean just knocks him out and sprints back to the motel (dean doesn’t use public bathrooms after that if he can help it)

- dean not knowing the word transgender until he finds it in a library book while he’s supposed to be researching but really he’d heard the slur and needed to be clear on why it made him feel so icky so he was looking it up in the dictionary and he’s like Oh that’s Me

- Bobby doesn’t actually meet Sam and Dean until after Dean’s cut his hair for the first time and Sammy can only say half words (most Dee, which is good enough for Dean) so one of Dean’s first impressions of Bobby is him asking John “didn’t you have a daughter?” and John just giving a tired sigh because he’s too busy with the hunt he’s here for to try and get into it but Dean butts in with “No, he’s always had two boys, I’m Dean and this is Sammy” and Bobby doesn’t comment on this little high pitched voice or question it much because he’s babysitting this kid for the next two weeks and he doesn’t want it to be a hostile two weeks (and it never becomes a problem because by the end of week one Bobby never even entertains the idea that Dean isn’t a little boy)

- After Dean gets back from Hell literally the only thing that trips Sam and Bobby up (aside from that he just resurrected lmao) is that his shoulders are more squared and he’s just built more like he should be (see previous point about cas rebuilding him as he should’ve been!)

- Dean never having much money but he still donates to queer charities when he can (makes a point of it in June especially)

- Dean hangs a trans flag in his room at the bunker (and one in the dean cave too)

- The insane validation Dean feels at being called The Rifhteous Man (also the fact that Heaven Knew he was a man all along but didn’t lift a finger to make that any easier to show the rest of the world adds to dean’s general hatred towards them tho)

That’s all I can think of right now but just!! Trans Dean!!!!

Thank u for asking friend!!!

(@bowie-boy I am tagging u bc idk if u will see this post so hope that’s okay!!!)

#shut up sammy

[benevolentsam]

Life on Mars

Characters: Eventual Castiel/Sam Winchester, Past Ruby/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Rating: Teen and Up Warnings/Additional Tags: Hurt!Sam, Car Accidents, Hospitals, Coma, Sam and Mental Health, Drug Use, Toxic Relationships Summary: After being hit by a car, Sam ends up in a coma. While unconscious, Sam finds that he has to work through hims demons - his past relationships and his issues with self worth - before he can wake up. Sam has to confront things he thought were buried away. Chapter 1 2 // Also on Ao3

Sam recognised the apartment as soon as he woke up. It wasn’t his, nor was it Dean and Lisa’s. There was a dirty mattress on the floor, bottles of liquor scattered around the room, and an open bottle of pills on the table. It could have been any crack house in America, but it wasn’t.

It was Ruby’s.

He didn’t know what he was doing on the floor of his ex-girlfriend’s apartment. Maybe Dean had brought him here after the accident. Ruby knew some pretty dodgy people — she had to know a doctor who didn’t ask any questions and who wasn’t looking for health insurance. It was starting to make sense. Except Dean hated Ruby, and would probably let Sam die before seeing her again.

In all honesty, Sam would rather die than see her again.

Ruby came out of the bathroom, her make-up smudged and her clothes covered in blood. There was a feral grin on her face.

“Ruby, what am I doing here?” Sam questioned.

“Has someone had a little too much to drink again? I told you to lay off the Jack last night, babe,” Ruby replied smugly. She came over the Sam and planted a kiss on his cheek. “I’ve missed you, Sam. You need to lose your control freak of a brother, and move back in with me.”

“Did you- did you kidnap me from the hospital?” Sam asked. She must of done. It had to be some kind of misery situation. There was no other explanation as to why Sam would go running back to her.

“What hospital? What are you on about?” Ruby sat down on the floor beside him, narrowly dodging the needles on the floor. “Sam, you came back to me because you love me, remember?”

Sam couldn’t remember. It did sound like something he’d do though. Of all the people in his life, Ruby was the only one who was there for him no matter what. The last conversation he’d had with Dean replayed itself in his head. Cas and Dean didn’t want to be friends with him. They were looking for excuses to not have to hang out with him. Of course he went back to Ruby.

“Dean doesn’t-”

“Dean doesn’t love you, I know. You explained this to me when you came knocking on my door.” Ruby completed his sentence with a smile, blood-red lips curling. “Sammy, it’s only a matter of time before you stop running away to me, and just live with me again.”

“But Cas-”

“Cas can afford to pay your half of the rent. Hell, he might actually find a roommate he wants to spend time with.” The words dripped from her lips like poison, each drop of venom burning Sam a little more. He could still feel the pain of the car crash. Even if Ruby didn’t know what had happened, she had to see the pain on him.

She liked that though — she liked seeing Sam in pain.

“Face it, Sam, I’m the only one who’s ever really cared about you. I’m the only one who ever will.”

She was right. Sam hated to admit it, but she was right. Every argument with Dean, every tear he’d shed – Ruby was the one that had been there to mop it up. Maybe she liked his pain, but maybe she just liked to nurse him better. He let her kiss him again, and again, and again, until his face was a mosaic of ruby-red lipstick. Until he was marked as hers. He was hers, and he’d always be hers, as long as she made him feel loved.

“Listen, babe, I gotta go out. I’m meeting Lucifer about a shipment order. I’ll be back before dinner,” Ruby told him. She stood up and looked around the apartment before turning back to him. “Just don’t do anything stupid. Wouldn’t want you to hurt that pretty little vessel of yours. Oh, and don’t call your brother, we both know he doesn’t want to talk to you.” And with that, she was out of the door, leaving Sam alone in a filthy apartment with nothing but drugs and alcohol around him.

The air in the apartment was stifling. Sam didn’t know if it was the mould growing on the walls or the fact that Ruby liked to hotbox the room every now and then. Back at Cas’ apartment, where he’d been living since he last broke up with Ruby, everything was clean. Sam liked clean; he liked the strong smell of chemicals that came with cleaning, and the sense of doing something good and healthy. Cas just liked things to be neat. It was one of the reasons Sam liked living with him so much.

And of course, because he could sleep in the room next door to his crush.

That didn’t matter anymore. He’d pick a day when Cas was working and sneak back to collect all his things. It was better than inconveniencing Cas with his presence anyway.

He set about cleaning up Ruby’s place. It didn’t need to be too clean — I’m meeting Lucifer for a shipment order was code for I’m buying a shit tonne of cocaine and that meant there’d be people over that night. People like Ruby, users and addicts who wouldn’t care that the walls are stained green with damp. The only reason Sam had for cleaning the apartment was for his own peace of mind, and to stop him from thinking about Cas or Dean… or something much much worse.

He fought through the pain and sat up. He had a long day.

Ruby, true to her word, was back before dinner. In fact, she entered with a bag of take out in her hands. Sam hated take out food, hated the grease sitting in his stomach, but he was in no frame of mind to argue with her about something so stupid. At least she’d bothered to go out and find him food. She had a huge smile on her face as she set the paper bag down on the floor beside the door. She locked it behind her, trapping the two of them in the apartment together.

“Sam, babe, guess who scored some meth!” Ruby lilted. Sam’s eyes widened. Of all the crazy stupid things Ruby had done, she’d not used meth; at least, not around him. Sam had heard the horror stories – hell, he’d seen some of the people that took it. But Ruby had a packet of pale pink powder in her hand, and that meant that she was going to at least try it.

“You’re not- you’re not really gonna take that, are you?” Sam asked timidly. Ruby laughed and tossed the packet towards Sam.

“Of course I am. Lucifer’s coming over later and we need to show him how well his batch works,” she grinned. She took off her jacket and threw it on the ground next to the the take out. “Do you want some, Sam? I got Chinese.” Sam shook his head. The drugs had thrown him off; just thinking about them was making him feel sick. Ruby mumbled something to herself and picked up a carton of food, practically wolfing it down.

Sam waited patiently for her to finish eating before he brought up the meth again.

“Look, Ruby, I don’t think you should do this,” Sam started.

“You? No, Sam, we’re doing this together,” Ruby replied. Before Sam could respond, Ruby had taken the bag out of his hand and was opening it up. She lined it up on the floor, and Sam was momentarily fixated on the thought that it wasn’t clean, that the floor was dirty. But that was the least of their problems. He watched Ruby roll up a one dollar bill from her pocket and use it to snort the meth. She pulled her head back up and gave Sam a gruesome grin. Blood was dripping from her nose.

“Your turn, Sam,” she said. Sam tried to protest, he did, but Ruby forcefully handed him the dollar bill. “You need to do it, Sam. Prove you love me. Prove to me that you’re thankful that I love you. I’m giving you good quality shit here, Sam, for free. I want to see you snort it. Prove that you love me.”

Dying from a drug overdose couldn’t be any worse than living knowing Dean hated him.

Sam leant over and snorted like his life depended on it.

It took a few minutes, but Sam felt his heart speed up. It was like a jackhammer in his chest, beating louder and louder, like it was in the room with them. Suddenly, everything felt so good. He stopped thinking about his brother, his dumbass roommate. He stopped thinking about how much he hated himself. Only the beautiful woman in front of him and the elation of the drug pumping through his system filled his mind now.

His heart wouldn’t stop though. It became too much pretty quickly. Pain started in his arm and moved to his back, and then his chest. Fuck, fuck!He might have been dying. He fell back to the floor and let his body stop working. This was what he’d signed up for.

The door to the apartment blew off its hinges. Somehow, Dean and Cas had found him and they were stood in the doorway where the door should have been. They were saying something, something Sam couldn’t hear. And then, like sun breaking through clouds, he could hear them clear as day.

“Sam, you’re in a coma.”

“You need to fight, Sam. You’re dying, man. You need to fight whatever’s going on in that brain of yours,” Dean begged. He seemed close to tears, and the last time Sam had seen Dean cry was when Ben was born. The time before that, was when Sam had graduated college. His brother didn’t cry often, but he was so close to crying as he stared at Sam dying on the floor. Cas stepped in for him.

“Sam, I know things seem bad but they’ll be worse without you here,” he said. “You need to get out of the coma, but first, you need to survive whatever’s going on right now.”

With Dean and Cas there, Sam managed to get his breathing under control. If they were right, if Sam really was in a coma, then he could control his dreams. He closed his eyes and concentrated, imagining a safer time when him and Dean were kids. He felt his heartbeat slow down, falling into its regular pattern.

What the hell was he thinking, taking what Ruby had offered him? He’d been down this path before, and he knew where it led. Ruby wasn’t right for him. He looked back up to Dean and Cas, who were stood over him, offering dry smiles.

He didn’t need Ruby and her drugs to make him feel better. Not anymore.

When he opened his eyes again, he couldn’t recognise where he was.

#Sastiel #Sam Winchester #Samby #stardustfam #leahsspnfam #Spn #Sam #Cas #Dean #Ruby #This is the first proper chapter #V long #I forgot to post it here it's been on my ao3 for a few days #I am v proud of this so pls check it out #LoM #My stuff #My Writing