Me, an ace, reading the tags of a fanfiction that look more like every single section of a subreddit about kinks, trying to discern if there's gonna be any sort of plot going on and the author is just concerned about warning the audience, just because they didn't tag the "porn without plot" that I could easily avoid
FFXIV 1.0 flowerpot lives on
☆ the hates everyone except you trope | park jay
"hey! focus on the assignment!"
"well stop being so fucking pretty and i might be able to!"
pairing : badboy!jay x good girl! reader
summary : being the smartest one in your whole year had its perks, but it meaning that you would have to tutor the students that were behind in class was definitely the ultimate con- except for it allowing you to get to know the school’s bad boy in a way no one else has before.
word count : 27,994
includes smut, angst, fluff.
use of drugs and alchohol.
☆read the other volumes?
taglist : @srirachibi @ryu-naa @blank-velvet @hoonstrology @person-standing @yuakagi @moasworld @rein-deer-stuffs @ily-cuz-i @lix-freckle3 @leeis @turnipsandflowerss @hoewithnojams @liliansun @melaninjhs @sunshine-skz @andromedawillburryyou @shynypeacekitten @violevantae @rpkth @hime98 @fvryang @j4yluvr @heelariously @fireflies997 @rikipediaa @yuakagi @person-standing @blank-velvet @ryu-naa @srirachibi (sorry if i forgot anyone lol)
growing up in a small town and then moving to the capital city for your first year of high school is and never will be easy.
your entire family had been born and grew up in your small hometown themselves. it was a town where everyone knew everyone. you had grown to become comfortable in your small town. there wasn't much going on, it was basically silent.
and you loved the silence.
though, you dreamed of moving far away from your small, quiet town once you graduated high school- and you never wanted to return.
you didn't want to be like everyone else in the world, it was one of your biggest fears. you couldn't bare the thought of being like someone else, which was hard since everyone in your town thought the same, dressed the same, talked the same and so on.
besides your fear of being like everyone else, you had a fear of burning out in life.
you had always been intelligent.
you got grades that were so high that colleges had been looking into accepting you even before you had graduated. your teachers were always impressed with you, even giving you assignments that were extremely advanced for someone your age to complete.
your obvious intelligence had made your parents extremely hard on you. always pushing you to study and to get your assignments done on time so that you could go far in life. your parents didn't have the luck of being as smart as you, so when they found out that somehow the two of them had made a genius child- their minds went into a haywire.
your parents didn't want you to end up like themselves when you were older. so, they gave you strict rules, a strict curfew, a strict schedule that you had to follow.
on some days, you didn't mind your routine. you found comfort in it.
but other days, you wanted to pull your hair out as you heard kids your age laughing down the street on a nice spring day- probably making amazing childhood memories that they could tell their kids about one day. you on the other hand had no memories that you could share.
what would you even tell your kids? oh, i sat inside for years with my head in a textbook and stress circulating my entire being so that i could please my parents and make a name for myself in this life.
yeah, really fun.
since your parents really wanted you to live a life that they didn't and would never have, they decided to move to the capital city - seoul - for your first year of high school.
you were excited, but so scared at the same time. you got to get away from the small town you had always lived in where you knew everyone and everything. to a place where you knew no one and nothing.
to say that your first year of high school was awful would be an understatement.
your first year of high school was horrendous.
James hummed in approval, moving out of the way so miyougn could place more food on the table before she sat down herself. ou can sit across from jay." she ushered you over to one of the empty dining room chairs. ive way, it felt like intimidating and more friendly. hould come to a party with me woman for a minute and you could already tell just how different she was from jay. egret it at all. out for each other, making sure that one of them doesn't drink or smoke too much.
it was like you were invisible to everyone- except to yoon seeun.
"hi!" the girl sat down across the cafeteria table from you.
"um, hi?" you answered with a confused tone, you looked around the busy cafeteria, trying to see if anyone had sent this girl over to sit with you as a prank. no one had sat with you for the first week of high school, you tried to sit with other tables but you got kicked out of all of them as they were apparently 'someone else's'.
"what're you looking for?" the girl asked amused as she watched you scan your surroundings.
"just- did someone tell you to sit with me? because you don't have to! i'm fine b-" you started, embarrassment filling you as you explained yourself.
"what? no!" she laughed, "i wanted to sit with you."
"i'm yoon seeun." she introduced herself. you looked at her fully as she said her name. she had a rounder face, and pretty big eyes. she had a pretty mole right above her left eye that seemed to match her beauty.
"i'm y/l/n y/n." you introduced yourself as well.
"i know," seeun shrugged, pulling backpack around herself so she could open it, "you sit in front of me in math."
"oh, i'm so sorry. i haven't really focused on everyones names yet."
"that's okay!" seeun smiled, "what elementary school did you go too?"
"um, i moved here from seungju, so i don't know if you'd know it."
"where the hell is seungju?"
"it's like, really south and really small!"
"like, the population is around two thousand."
"my god! what're you doing here?" seeun screeched, making you laugh at her shocked expression. "there's more than two thousand students just in our grade!"
"my parent's wanted a better education for me." you shrugged measly.
"so you really don't know anything about this place then."
"yeah, pretty much. but i think after a week i've been slowly catching on to the cliques going on."
"oh. so you must know the queen sieun." seeun rolled her eyes with a frown.
"no, who's that?"
"she's a brat and she basically runs the whole city. she's in our grade." seeun explained, turning around and nudging her chin towards a table at the far corner of the room. "she's the really pretty one with the light orange hair."
you easily spotted the orange haired girl from across the room. it seemed like everyone in the cafeteria was staring at her, though she was oblivious to it. she sat with other really pretty girls that didn't seem to match her beauty.
"her dad is park namjung, that famous singer from the 80s."
"holy shit! my mom use to love him!"
"yeah yeah. well his fame has gone to her head and apparently everyone else's at this school."
"she's really like that?"
"yeah, believe me, i used to be friends with her."
"no way. what happened?"
seeun shrugged, "everyone found out who her dad was last year and it just totally changed her. she got popular and pretty and i didn't know you know, we stopped being friends."
"you're pretty what're you're talking about!" you interjected, shaking your head at her.
"yeah, but not pretty enough to sit at that table." seeun rolled her eyes with a huff.
"who cares, you're pretty in your own damn way, you don't need to look like anybody else."
seeun smiled at your words. she's really needed to hear some positives about her appearance since she's been pushed into the background of sieun's life movie. "thank you."
"now," seeun pulled out a textbook from her bag, "you don't happen to be good at math do you? because the assignment that's due next period really needs to be done."
"yeah i can help you! i'm kinda smart."
"really!" you nodded in response to her with a shy smile. "good, we need a smart person around here." seeun flipped trhough the book, making you laugh at her insult.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
seeun and you became close friends quickly. she taught you about everyone in your school and all the drama that you missed out on while living in "some small hick town" as seeun reffered it to. she had introduced you to some of her friends, but you didn't really 'click' with them as well as you did with seeun.
your first month at high school was made better because of her.
though, you didn't really understand the how much importance that seeun put on the importance of reputation, you didn't really care. you thought it was funny that seeun knew everything about everyone and it reminded you of your hometown. seeun didn't notice how little popularity meant to you, she was just glad that she had someone to listen to her- and you were happy to.
after the first month- you had figured that you had heard everything about everyone from seeun. until an unfamiliar boy walked into the cafeteria.
seeun and you were sitting at 'your table' (yes you even had your own table now) in the cafeteria. the boy wore all black with black combat boots that matched his black hair. his jaw was sharp like all his other features. his lips were pulled down into a subtle frown that made you wonder just how pretty he could be if he smiled. he looked like he came straight out of shitty wattpad fanfic.
"who's that?" you tilted your head to the side where the boy was talking to the usual overly happy lunch lady who now adorned her own frown as she looked up at him.
seeun looked towards the direction, "that's park jay."
"park jay?" you repeated almost absentmindedly as you continued to watch him buy a granola bar.
"yeah, park jongsung, but he likes to go by as jay."
"i've never seen him before."
seeun scoffed with a laugh, "yeah because he basically never comes. if he does come then he's either high, drunk or both."
"who does he hang out with?"
"just a bunch of misfits that you wouldn't know either. they hate everyone except for each other."
you watched park jay leave the lunch lady with a granola bar in his hand. a teasing smirk on his face as he walked past sieun and her groups table, his fingers waved mockingly at sieun as she rolled her eyes in disgust at him. he pushed the cafeteria doors open with his back, his smirk never leaving his face as he internally laughed at sieun until he disappeared into the hallway.
park jay didn't seem to be like any of the other boys at your school- especially with the way he acts towards park sieun. he doesn't drop to his knees from her beauty when he sees her.
"what're you thinking about?" seeun asked you as your brain became intoxicated with thoughts of park jay.
you shrugged, "nothing."
"it better not be about park jay."
"it's not!" you defended yourself quickly, avoding eye contact with your friend as you pretending to read your text book.
"good, he's a trouble maker, you don't want to get caught up with him."
"what do you mean by trouble maker?"
"mm," seeun thought outloud for a moment, "he parties a lot, does drugs a lot, commits stupid crimes with his friends and has probably slept with half the girl student population in seoul."
you imagined park jay in the scenes that seeun described to you about him. yoru brain going haywire as you thought about him lazily smoking a cigarette with loud music and girls surrounding him.
"has he always been like that?" you asked seeun curiously.
"no, he used to be nice until last year. he comes from a good family." you nodded at seeun's words, your eyes zoning out on the cafeteria doors were park jay last stood. "why do you wanna know?"
you looked at seeun with a sheepish smile, "just wondering."
seeun shrugged and went back to finishing her lunch, letting you go back to studying.
but it was so hard to study with park jay intruding every thought.
-- -- -- -- -- --
throughout your years at high school, you had a few classes with park jay. it became a game just for you about how many times he would come to class that month. sometimes he'd come three times a week, other times you wouldn't see him for almost two weeks. your teachers always reprimanded him, but he never seemed to care. his usual tired and faded gaze never indicated anything else.
you always sat in the back of the class, too shy to sit anywhere else. it gave you the opportunity to people watch the others in your classes. though, there was never really anyone that interesting to watch- besides park jay.
jay had changed drastically from year 9 to year 10. he grew taller, got piercings and a few small tattoos covered his arm. his academic intelligence stayed the same though. barely showing up for school, winging tests that he'd be no where even close to passing anyways.
you were sure that you were just as invisible to park jay as you were to everyone else in your school. you people watched- but people never watched you.
you told yourself that you liked it that way- but you felt so misunderstood at the same time. and you loved yoon seeun, but even sometimes you'd feel lonely as you sat beside her.
in year 10, you felt sweat drip down your back as you sped walked to your class, hoping to not be late for. your binder was messily open as you tried to organize all your essays and assignments. a hard thud into yoru front made the mess even bigger as your papers flew all over the ground. little chuckles and gasps surrounding you in the hallway from the other students.
you dropped down to your knees in a hurry to pick it all up, paying no attention to waht or who you had bumped into until you noticed the still, black, combat boot standing right on the middle of your essay.
you glanced up and met the tired and faded gaze of park jay that you had only seen from a far before. he wore the usual serious expression on his face as he looked down at your chaotic and nervous figure.
"what?" he asked you with a tilt of his head.
"you're standing on my essay."
jay's eyes glanced down at his feet, and in fact he was standing right on the pieces of paper. quickly, almost too out of character for him, he lifted his heavy boot, watching you slip the papers out.
you stood up and still had to tilt your head upwards to look at him, a sheepish smile on your face, "um, thanks." you move around him, almost bolting away from him so you could get to class on time. you felt your ears turning pink out of embarrasment. of course you had to bump into park jay.
jay never let the memory of you murmuring a 'thanks' to him fade. when he did go to school, he'd always try to catch a glimpse of you in the hallway. he'd smile internally when he did. you always seemed to be so busy. so stressed out from school. always so of him. but it was so mentally draining to pretend to be someone else.
jay really did have no idea who you were, but you were different and cute and he liked it.
jay was tired of seoul and everyone in it. he hated the stereotypes, the cliques, the shitty music that everyone was told to like. he tried to be like everyone else during his elementary school years. he wanted to please his parents and for them to be proud of him. but it was so mentally draining to pretend to be someone else.
he hated how everyone thought they knew everything about him and everyone else. because it wasn't him- and it really pissed him off that it was what everyone thought.
all it took for him to leave his old facade behind was for lee heeseung to offer him a blunt.
lee heeseung was a year older than jay and he was the coolest person in seoul. (at least that's what jay thinks) heeseung knew how to have fun, how to ignore all the stupid stereotypes and he took jay under his wing. heeseung took some others under his wing too; shin jake, park sunghoon, kim sunoo, yang jungwon and nishimura riki.
they liked to have fun and enjoy life. none of them understood how wasting their youth cramped up studying in their bedrooms was an important use of time. they didn't like following the trends that were set in their generation. they liked to think outside of the box unlike the other robots in your school.
so it made them become misfits- and they didn't care. if anything, it just made them hate everyone else more than how much they hated them.
jay never let the memory of you murmuring a 'thanks' to him fade. when he did go to school, he'd always try to catch a glimpse of you in the hallway. he'd smile internnally when he did. you always seemed to be so busy. so stressed out from school. always so good.
it made him think that you were too good for a place as bad as seoul.
you were too good for a person as bad as him.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
of course, although you were basically invisible to the popularity rankings at your school, you still had some sort of reputation. you were smart, and people knew you were smart.
you weren't a teachers pet, but it was obvious that teachers liked you a bit more than any of the other students. sometimes other students would ask you for help on a certain assignment, which you didn't mind doing, and it would actually help your classmates in the long run. your teachers noticed your small tutoring and wanted to give you some credit for it.
so, your guidance counsellor called you into his office and offered you extra credits if you became a tutor for your school. you told him that you'd think about it, but of course your parents forced you to do it as it would 'look good on your school transcript' when you graduate.
you spent your final year of high school tutoring some students. some were in your grade, others were below you, and it was fun at first. until your teacher told you that you'd have to tutor park jay a few times a week.
your first instinct when you heard the news was to shout 'no fucking way', but you internally calmed yourself down and smiled.
"are you okay with tutoring him for a bit? his grades are awfully low and he needs to graduate this year." your techer practically begged you.
you bleat a quick "sure." and your teacher seems more pleased with you than she ever has before.
"great!" your teacher clapped, "i've set it up for you to tutor him every tuesday! how's that sound?"
"perfect." you nodded, anxiety runs up your spine with the word.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
the first tuesday that you were suppose to tutor park jay in the library- he didn't show up.
you sat for an hour after school, waiting for the arrival of the infamous misfit that smoked and drank and commited crimes with his friends for fun.
after ten minutes, you figured that he really wasn't going to show up, you didn't really care. it gave you some time to study for your own tests before you had to go home and study there.
the next tuesday, park jay waltzed into the library with a cocky smirk on his face.
he was about thuirty minutes late to when your tutoring session was suppose to start- but he showed up.
you heard someone clear their throat from beside the table you were sitting at, distracting you from your history homework. you honestly didn't expect park jay to be standing beside you when you looked up from the textbook. the look on jay's face showed that he wasn't really expecting you either.
when jay was told he wouldn't be able to graduate at the end of the year because his grades were so low, he kept his usual 'i don't give a fuck' expression and attitude on the outside. rolling his eyes when his mother gasped from beside him in the principal's office.
"jongsung!" she hissed to him, utter shock and disappointment filling her voice as his father remained silent on the other side of him.
jay loved his mother.
he thought she was beautiful and caring and thoughtful and everything a good mother needed to be. but she didn't agree with jay and his friends' morals. she insisted that having good grades in school meant everything. when in jay's reality- they certainly didn't.
it took some time for jay's mother to realize jay's heavy decline in school but when she did notice, she wasn't pleased. jay hated that he made her worry every night that he wouldn't be home by the time she had set for him. he hated the look she gave him when she noticed his blood shot eyes at 3am as he stumbled into the house back from a party. he hated hearing her cry at the kitchen table late night after yelling at him to go to his room after he regretully talked back to her.
jay hated the way he was making his mother feel that sometimes it distracted him from how much he hated his father.
although jay hated stupid cliques and stereotypes, he imagined that there were certain groups of people in this world. he imagined that on one end of the long line of groups of people was himself, and on the whole other side that contained the milky way between it, was the group of people his father belong in.
his father and him had nothing in common.
jay didn't even think they looked the same.
his father worked a lot. he worked from home, he worked at his main office in the middle of seoul and he worked abroad to wherever his company would send him that week. it took his father a lot longer than his mother to realize just how much park jongsung had changed from their 'well behaved boy' that they 'raised so well'.
jay's father went to the united states during the summer that jay had started hanging out with heeseung. when his father walked through his houses' door to greet his family, he felt his stomach sink when he saw his son decked out in all black, raggy clothes and silver jewlery hanging from his neck and ears.
"who the hell is that?" jay remembers his dad speaking out as he stared him down, unable to recognize his 'good' son that he had seen two months ago.
jay smirked to himself as he watched the shock expression on his dad's face once his mother scolded him for asking such a ridiculous question.
after that day, jay had tried to make that shocked expression on his dad's face at any chance he could get. which was apparently more difficult than expected.
when jay started his second year in high school, he had gotten four tattoos on his left arm over night from heeseung's older brother: a cartoon sheet ghost, a smiley face with the eyes as x's, a shitty snake that took heeseung maybe three seconds to draw, and a peach that his mother absoutley hated the most.
his mother screeched when he walked in the next morning with black ink and red skin, repeatidly asking him what had he done. jay was laughing as his mother took him over to the kitchen sink and started to scrub at his skin with a sponge. disgust was written on her face as she realized the black drawings were really not coming off.
jay and his mother sat in silence that night, waiting for his father to come home from work and see his 'new decision' as his mother called it.
his father walked in and sighed as he saw the two of them sitting in silence from across the table to each other. "what happened?"
jay stuck out his arm so his father could see the four little drawings on his skin. jay remembers thinking to hold back his laugh once the shocked expression appears on his dad's face.
but the expression never came.
"hm." his father nodded shortly, his lips pulled into a tight, thin line.
"they're permanent." his mother spoke out, she was even surprised at his calm reaction.
"yes, i assumed so." his father walked away from jay's dangling arm, "what's for dinner?" he asked his wife, leaving jay and his mother with the expression he wished his dad would've had.
in his third year of high school, jay still hadn't given up on shocking his dad so, he went over to heeseung's with a bag of (possible) hair bleach that he picked up at the store. he really didn't know if he had picked up the right stuff. but the person on the cover of the box had blonde hair and there was progression pictures of black hair turning blonde on the back, so he bought it.
within six hours (which really took longer than he had expected) he had bright pink hair from the left over hair dye sunoo had let him have.
"bro, what the fuck have you done?" jake asked amused as he stood beside jay in the mirror, running over to heeseung's house when they told him he needed to come over immediately.
"do you like it?" jay asked, raising his eyebrows up and down teasingly.
"absoutely not." jake laughed, causing him to be pushed into the bathroom counter by jay.
"i think it looks punk." heeseung came into his bathroom suddenly, freshly dyed dark green hair causing jake to stop laughing.
"what the hell," jake stood up straight, "did everyone dye their hair?"
"eh, pretty much." sunghoon said, popping his head in so jake could see his silver hair.
"doesn't he look cool?" sunoo's cresent eyes popped in after, his fingers twirling sunghoon's hair which he had spent all day on.
"what the hell." jake's jaw dropped, looking at all of his friends' hair.
"it was sunoo's salon day!" heeseung smiled, playing with his new hair in the bathroom mirror still. "he did all of our hair."
"even jungwon's and riki's?" jake asked, a pout on his face suddenly.
"nah, i'm doing their's tomorrow, i already spent all day on these three's hair." sunoo replied, still playing around with sunghoon's hair, trying to style it for him.
"i see," jake nodded, turning around to look at his own plain, black hair in the mirror, "can you do mine tomorrow, too?"
"of course!" sunoo smiled at his older friend.
so on the monday after sunoo's salon weekend, everyone at your high school was shocked as their whole friendgroup showed up with different colours of hair that seemed to not match them, yet matched them at the same time. they all held back their smiles as they caught everyone's shocked expressions.
it seemed that everyone was shocked about jay's hair- his mother even screamed when he came in the door with it- except for his father who only stole a glance at it before returning back to his 'important' paper work.
so, when the principal informed his parents that he wouldn't be able to graduate if he kept the grades he had at the moment, he stole a glance at his father- thinking that maybe then his father would hold the shocked expression he only saw once before.
just the same serious- almost bored - expression that he always wore.
"so what can we do?" your mother asked the principal, hoping that there was something that could be done for her son.
so the idea of park jay getting a tutor for the rest of the year was brought up, jay groaned while his mother sighed out of relief and his father remained with the same expresssion he always adorned.
when you looked up at jay from the ridiculously big text book, he thought to himself that he must've looked less like his father more than ever before with the shocked expression on his face.
he had honestly expected his tutor to be some annoying, nerd guy that would piss him off to the extent of him grabbing the guy's calculator and throwing it at his face. so he had smoked a lot before he needed to be at his 'important' tutor session.
he had smoked so much that he had thought he was literally seeing things when he met your eyes and realized just who it was that would be tutoring him. sure, his vision was kind of out of whack from the amount of weed him and heeseung had just shared in the parking lot but he didn't think he was that high that he'd see a different face on a different body.
"uh, hi?" you spoke up at him, those innocent eyes that he's seen up close only once before bore into him and he realized that maybe smoking before his tutoring session was a mistake- and he's never regret getting high before.
"hi." jay forced himself to say, his brain beating himself up after hearing it sound so robotic.
so it took you maybe two seconds of analyzing the park jay standing beside you to realize that he was in fact high. he was high while you were suppose to be tutoring him in your school library and the thought had made you very nervous.
sure you had smelt weed before while walking through the hallways at school sometimes. but you've never seen it- or seen any drugs in fact before. you've never been high or drunk before or even been around anyone that's been high or drunk before.
so now park jay is very high standing beside you and you wanted to run away incase a teacher comes by and sees him- taking you with him since you're suppose to be tutoring him.
"you're y/n?" jay asked you, surprisng even himself that he sounded normal now.
"yeah, i'm your tutor." you responded meekly, wantung to hit yourself with your introduction and with the way jay was now smirking down at you. you've spoken to park jay for mabe three sentences now and you're already sounding like the nerd everyone thinks you are.
you hear jay chuckle deeply before moving to sit down in the chair beside you. the smell of weed follows him and surrounds you as he sits. his bag swinging onto the table almost makes your eyes bulge out of your head when the weed smell intesifies and the thought of literal drugs being less than a meter away from you.
"um, do you want to start tutoring next tuesday instead?" you force yourself to smile at the all adorned black clothed boy, avoiding eye contact.
"why not today?" jay asks, seeing that you can barely look in his direction.
"w-well, there's only twenty five minutes left now and you're, um, you're...." you trail off, not wanting to embarrass yourself.
jay smirks at your quiet voice, thinking about how shy you truly are. "i'm what? say it."
"you're... high." you finish, your head looking straight down at your hands twiddling your fingers in your lap.
it's silent for a moment in between you and jay park and you're sure that you've offended him until he bursts out laughing. you turn your head to look at the laughing boy, unsure of what to do. if you weren't so nervous then you probably would be laughing too at the sight of pure enjoyment on his face as he swings his head back and laughs out into the library.
you see other students around turn and glare at the direction of noise, but ultimately turn around quietly when they see who's the loud person.
"w-what?" you ask him, a small smile on your lips.
jay stops laughing and looks at you intently. he thinks to himself that it's weird to see you this close up for this long of amount of time. it gives him time to take in your cute presence and to become aware of how odd you two must look sitting beside each other. you're wearing light colours and your hair is done so neatly while he's wearing all black and he can't remember the last time he's actually ever styled his hair. "have you ever been high before, y/n?"
your shoulders tense more at the volume of his voice, not believing that you're talking about being high with park jay in your school's library. "no." you squeak out embarrassingly. apparently embarrassing yourself in front of jay is the only thing you can do around him.
jay's not surprised at your answer, it's the only answer he was expecting. but it still doesn't get rid of the smirk that's on his face as he scans your rosy cheeks and red-from-biting plump lips. "do you wanna get high today?" you almost jump up from shock at his question, "with me?" he continues and then you almost faint. park jay just asked if you wanna get high with him.
"uh," you started out, not knowing how to answer him. luckily, he starts laughing again, allowing you to think of an answer.
"it's okay, y/n, i'm just kidding. i know a girl like you wouldn't get high with a guy like me." jay starts to put his binder into his bag as he gets ready to leave, letting you sit in silence for a momet trying to process his sentence.
"what does that mean?" you turn your head and look him dead in the eyes now, surprising him. the sudden confidence that he doesn't know if you're pretending to have or if you really have it and he's just a clueless idiot. all he knows is that the way your pretty eyes are staring into his is making his heart feel weird but maybe that's just from the weed.
"i mean, you're so good that it's like a halo is literally hovering above your head. and me," jay shakes his head as he swings his bag over his shoulder, "i don't think i've ever had a halo in my life."
you still sit as jay gets up and walks around you to leave, "do you want to have a halo?" you ask him, not being able to stop your curiousity.
jay almost laughs as he turns around and stares down at your innocent little figure once again. he puts his hand down on the table beside you, holding himself up as he leans down towards you, "i think it's too late for me to have a halo, y/n."
and then jay decides that you really do have a lot of confidence because the way you speak to him next is filled with so much power it makes him think that everything he's ever thought about you is wrong, "then come to your tutoring session next week on time and not high and we can see if it's too late or not."
jay stands up straight at your statement, his notorioius smirk spreading across his face as a smirk spreads across your own. "fine," he agrees, "i'll be on time next week and not high." he takes a few steps back still facing you.
"and not drunk either." you point out, making his smirk drop for a second before reappaearing again.
"okay, smartass. i'll see you next week." jay rolls his eyes with a teasing smile and walks out of the library- probably to heeseung's house where he and the rest of them can smoke some more.
you've been called smart countless of times before that it's gotten to the point where it means nothing to you. but you've never been called a smart ass. and it makes you almost laugh out loud to yourself because it's seemed to bring a whole new meaning of smart to you and you don't think anyone would've ever called you it besides park jay and it that just makes it even funnier to you.
so then, you and park jay spend the rest of the week excited for your next tutoring session.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
you only saw jay once during the week until your (hopefully) proper tutor session.
though, it's not like you were looking for him as you zoomed through the other students in the hallways as you walked to your other classes. seeun kept asking you about how tutoring park jay went but, you didn't exactly tell her that he showed up insanely high.
you loved yoon seeun. you really did.
but she was a snitch.
you knew that if you told her that park jay could barely see you last week- to the point where you could just feel him staring at you when you weren't looking- that she would tell your teacher. because although you were considered a 'goody two shoes' you weren't the kind to go into other peoples' business like seeun. but that was just her. she liked knowing drama about everyone and she cared so much about you that if she found out you were around jay while he was high- that she would do something to protect you.
because yoon seeun loved you. she really did.
so why would she want you to be around a literal delinquent like park jay?
"if he does anything to you y/n, seriously, you need to tell me, his sexual history is so long!" seeun warns you as she takes a bite into her sandwich.
you smile at her, "yes, seeun, i understand, but it's been fine. he sits and listens and i sit and tutor that's it." you lie through your teeth but you know it's for the best.
jay walks into the cafeteria with his other misfit friends, his head turning to the table where he's seen you and seeun sit before almost out instinct. so when you're there, your front faced towards the doors so he could see you. a pink headband in your hair to simply get your hair out of your face but makes jay think just how cute it looks on you.
"who're you looking at?" sunghoon asks from beside him as they all wait in the food line.
"what do you mean?" jay asks with his eyebrows furrowed at his silver haired friend.
"well i know jake is looking at park sieun," sunghoon points over his shoulder to where jake stood with hungry eyes as he stared directly as the popular girl, "so who are you looking at?"
"im sorry but sieun's just so HOT." jake almost says painfully as he turns around to enter the conversation with jay and sunghoon.
jay makes a sound of disgust as the words 'hot' and 'sieun' are put into the same sentence. "bro, shut up, you're gonna make me not hungry." jay jokes, turning around and looking at the shitty food options of the day.
"how do you not find her hot? sunghoon man," jake taps sunghoon's shoulder as a form of agreance, "you think sieun is hot, right?"
sunghoon shrugs in response, "she's okay."
"what?!" jake's eyes almost pop out of his head, "i think she's the hottest thing i've ever seen."
"bro i told you to shut up or i'm gonna be sick!" jay protests again, thoughts of the annoying girl popping into his head made his head hurt.
"i wanna know who jay thinks is hot." sunghoon nods towards him with a smirk on his face.
"i don't think anyone's hot." jay shakes his head, "at least not here."
"really? then who were you looking at?"
"what makes you think that just because i was looking in a certain direction that i think someone is hot?"
"because you don't look in any certain direction besides at us while you're here- you hate everyone here." sunghoon says with an obvious tone.
"ou," jake points at sunghoon as he agrees with his point, "jay does think someone is hot. who?" jake smiles evilly at his friend.
jay sighs, "she's over there in the corner." he tilts his head to the direction where you are sitting. instantly his two friends turn and are so obviously looking for someone that is almost embarrasses jay.
"the girl with the pink headband?" sunghoon asks, letting jay nod.
"bro she is so not your type and she would so not be into you." jake shakes his head in shock at you.
jay feels his fists clench at his sides, "yeah? and who'd you think she'd be into? a guy like you?" jay gestures to jake's chains dangling from his jeans and red and black hair. jake only rolls his eyes in response before looking over at you again.
"i agree that she's not your type. she's too cute and too pure." sunghoon nods, imagining that there's butterflies flying around you as you talk to your friend. for some reason sunghoon's comment really pisses jay off. he doesn't like the fact that other guys can see how truly cute and innocent you are.
"actually, she is kinda hot," jake speaks after further analyzing you, making jay snap his head towards his friend, "but in a 'i really want to ruin you' type way because you know she's never been touched before. god that's actually so ho-" jake's sudden fantasy gets cut off with jay storming off, pushing past his friends. "bro, what's wrong?" jake called after him.
"i told you that if you didn't shut up i wouldn't feel good!" jay yelled back, not caring that the other people in the cafeteria were looking at him as he slammed open the cafeteria doors. and he really didn't feel good. he didn't know what is was about jake talking so dirty about you that made him want to throw up. he's heard jake say dirtier things about other girls before and jay didn't even bat an eye at it. but since it was about you- it was different. and it was a type of different that made him feel sick.
sunghoon and jake looked at each other once their friend was out of sight, only smirking and shrugging before telling the lunch lady what they wanted to eat.
"does he always have to cause a scene?" seeun rolled her eyes as she turned back towards you, jay storming out caught the eyes of everyone else as well.
you frowned as you watched his combat boots hit the cafeteria floor and push the doors open with force so suddenly until he was gone. you wondered what had gotten the boy so angry so quick as you noticed his other friends still standing in the lunch line.
though you were curious about it, you didn't ask him what it was about the next day when he came into the library, smirking at you as soon as he opened the doors and started making his way towards the table you were sat at- five minutes early.
jay stood beside where you sat again, looking down at you, "hi y/n."
"hi, jay." it was awkward for a moment before he sat down, throwing his bag on the table again as he pulled out his school supplies. and this time, you didn't smell any weed and his eyes weren't bloodshot. there was no strong scent of liquor either.
when jay got his supplies ready, he sat and looked at you, an eyebrow quirked up at your suspicious expression as you looked at him.
"well." jay shook his head as if he was ready for something.
"well, what?" you asked confused.
jay sighed as he sat back in his chair, "aren't you gonna ask me if i'm high or drunk?"
you almost smiled at him, "jay, did you smoke or drink?"
"nope!" jay popped the 'p' sound as he really did smile at you.
"really?" you asked suspiciously at the delinquent boy.
"well," jay trailed off, making your heart sink for a second, "i smoked a cigarette but that was it!" jay almost laughed as he looked at your digusted face. "what?"
"i think it'd be better for your health if you did smoke weed." you rolled your eyes, pulling out your own textbook to prepare to tutor him.
"what does that mean? you were the one who was saying 'blah blah halo blah blah don't get high' last week." jay mimicked your voice.
"yeah but at least weed doesn't give you lung or tongue cancer." you stated the facts.
"i'm not gonna get lung or tongue cancer." jay mused, picking up his pencil as you passed him a piece of paper.
"you will if you keep smoking cigarettes."
"so you want me to start showing up to our tutor sessions high?"
"well then i'm gonna keep smoking cigarettes."
you huffed at him, taking a deep breath before looking at him, "turn to page 34, please." you gestured to his closed textbook.
jay smirked to himself when you weren't looking, knowing that you tutoring him wasn't going to be as bad as he thought.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
after three weeks of 'properly' tutoring park jay- you could tell that he was done with it. he was bored and he wasn't trying and he was making it really hard for you.
"jay, at least look at the paper." you grabbed his attention from his staring aimlessly at the wall.
"i can't." he groaned, sitting up and looking at you. "all you do is ask me questions that i don't know the answers to and i don't even care about the answers." you sighed as you put your pencil down beside his that he hasn't even touched.
"well, i think it'd be better if you did care, because you need to graduate this year, right?"
"it doesn't matter if i graduate or not."
"yes, it does, jay."
"and why does it matter?" jay leaned over his elbow to look at you. the look in his eyes making you look away from him. it had been four weeks that you had been tutoring jay and you still couldn't look at him in the eyes.
"w-well, because i-i thought you wanted to see if you could get a, um a halo." you speak quiekty, almost embarrassed by your choice of how to persuade this boy to study and pay attention.
"do you think i could ever get a halo?" jay asks you, and his tone is serious compared to all the other times he speaks to you in a flirty or teasing tone.
"yes." you nod sternly, glancing at him briefly before looking down at your lap again. jay smirks at how cute you are, too cute and too good for him. but the way that you think he could become good is so naive of you that not even himself believes it. there's no way he could become as good as you. even his parents have no faith. he thinks that if he asks his parents if he could ever get a halo they would laugh in his face- but you sound so sure he could that it makes him want to believe you.
"have you heard anything about me, y/n?" jay sits back in his chair with his smirk, "because if you have then i don't think you'd think that."
"yeah, i've heard a few things." you nod quietly, thinking back to everything that seeun has told you in the past.
"like what?" jay asks in the teasing tone that you've become used to.
"that- that," you sit up in your chair as you prepare to speak, "you party a lot, and you do drugs and drink and y-you..."
"you have sex a lot."
jay feels his cock twitch as you say the word. it doesn't sound right as it comes out of your mouth but you turn him on at the same time. your sentence is also a painful reminder that he really would be no good for you.
"hm." jay hums as you feel heat on your cheeks, wondering if you had offended him now. "can i tell you what i've heard about you?"
"sure." your heart picks up it's pace, anxious to know what others say about you. anxious to know what park jay thinks about you.
"i've heard that you're some sort of genius, and that you don't go to parties-ever- and that you're an innocent, little, goody-two-shoes."
you weren't surprised at jay's statement but you were throughly upset that you knew that jay knew that you were something close to a loser. it upset you but you had no idea as to why. why should you care that you're an innocent loser and jay is so popular and hot. oh.
"im guessing by that look on your face that everything i heard is true." jay broke your train of thought. you could only glance at him briefly before returning to your textbook, unsure of what to say to get him to think you weren't some loser. "how about you come to a party this weekend?"
your jaw drops as you look up at him, "n-no, i can't."
"and why not? you're the one who seemed so upset when i told you what people are saying about you."
"well, because i can't! i may not like what people say about me, but i can't do anything about it."
"sure you can, come to a party this weekend with me."
you quirk an eyebrow up at his suggestion, "with you?" jay nods with a smirk. "don't you have a test on monday that you need to study for?" jay's smirk drops.
"so you should study for it if you want to graduate this year."
jay rolls his eyes and sits back into his chair, "how about this, i won't go to the party friday night if you come over instead."
you felt the wind knock out of you chest, "and why would i come to your house?"
jay's stupid smirk returns to his face at your red cheeks, "so we could study, obviously."
"i- jay. you should be able to study on your own."
"then what's the point of having a cute tutor?"
there was a silence between you as you both processed jay's question. there was just no way that park jay just called you cute. and jay was preparing punch himself with the way he so carelessly told you what he's been thinking about you for years. it felt like both of you were dreaming.
jay opened his mouth about to apologize for making you feel uncomfortable until you spoke first, "fine, i'll come to your house, but to study. and to only study." you gave the dressed-in-all-black boy a serious look as he tried to hold back the small smile creeping onto his face.
"of course, what else would we do?" jay sat back in his chair again, never trying so hard to be cool in his entire life before.
you rolled your eyes at the boy before shoving another study assignemnt towards him, making a groan leave his mouth.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
park jay texting you his address on a random saturday afternoon was something you never thought would happen.
but walking up to a gigantic mansion that park jay apparently lived in was a dream.
the house was so pretty that it really made you feel like you didn't even deserve to set a foot on the property. but you forced yourself up the pretty porch stairs and knocked on the pretty door. you weren't really shocked when a pretty woman opened the door- expecting someone as pretty as her to own a house as pretty as this one.
"hi there, you must be jay's tutor." she smiled with a tilt of her head as she looked you up and down.
"mom!" you heard a familiar voice groan from behind her.
"oh sorry," the woman- jay's mom-, turned and let you come, "i guess im not used to jay having a tutor i-"
"mom!" jay groaned again, making his mom laugh as she closed the door behind you.
you turned and looked at where jay stood on the bottom step of a staircase that twirled around upwards towards the second floor. his upper half looked like how it usually did. an oversized black, band tshirt and silver jewlery adorning his neck and ears. but you were taken aback by the grey sweatpants he wore. sure it was a casual thing to wear- but jay usually stuck to a strick black jeans or black ripped jeans attire at school.
"sorry!" you heard his mother laugh out from beside you as you tried to peal your eyes away from jay's so casuasl yet so jay chose of clothing. "i'm miyoung, jay's mother. and you're y/n, right?" jay's mothers smile was so intimidatingly pretty that you couldn't help but smile back. you've known this woman for a minute and you could already tell just how different she was from jay.
"yes, nice to meet you." you bowed politely to the older woman. she bowed back to you, offering to take your jacket for you before letting jay basically usher you away upstairs.
miyoung wouldn't be overxaggerating when she said she was nervous for a girl like you to be alone with a boy like her son. even she could tell that you were just too good to be around a boy as, and as much as she hated to say it, as bad as jay.
"i'm sorry about that." jay said as you followed him through a long, white hallway that had family portraits hung on the walls, along with what seemed to be very expensive paintings. there were doors that led to all different kinds of rooms and two other hallways besides the one that jay led you down on the second floor.
"about, you know, my mom." jay rolled his eyes as he turned to you, opening a door on the left side of the hallway for you to enter.
you chuckled at his answer, "it's fine, she's so sweet." you looked at him as you passed him to enter the room first. and you were nervous before you even arrived at jay's house, but you were even more nervous once you realized that you were in his bedroom.
"yeah, well she can a lot sometimes." you heard jay speak from behind you as he entered himself after you.
you stood in the entrancewya of him room as he moved around you and towards a desk that looked barely used, only having a textbook on top of it. the rest of his room looked like a normal teenager boy room: a slightly messy made bed with grey duvet and black headboard. there were some shelves with some pictures and trophies on them, and a simple black tv across the wall from the bed.
"you can sit on my bed if you want." jay spoke to. you, sitting down in his desk chair. you nod to him and move to sit on his bed, facing him at his desk that's in front of you. he almost laughs with the way you're sitting so awkwardly on his bed. "should we just start?"
"uh, sure." you nod, pulling out your own textbook from you bag.
"y/n," jay calls your name, making you halt your actions and look over at him, "if you're gonna be this awkward the entire time then you don't have to stay if you don't want to."
"i-i'm not being awkward." you stutter, trying to prove a point that doesn't exist.
jay scoffs, "it's okay. i guess we don't know each other that well and you're sitting on my bed so." jay points at the mattress under you, making you try to not shift awkwardly on it as you couldn't stop thinking about it as well.
"w-well, how about we get to know each other." your boldness shocks the both of you in his boyish bedroom.
"y/l/n y/n wants to get to know me?" jay smirks as he leans over his textbook to look at you.
"well, it's just so we can study, and you can graduate." jay sighs at your answer, it's so obvious that thats the only reason he's got you on his bed and it will remain the only reason.
"right, what do you want to know?"
"mm," you wonder outloud, looking around his room before settling on the obvious, "what do your parents do for work?"
jay smirks at your question, "my dad is some big time ceo for some travel agency and my mom's a teacher." oh, that explains the big house. "how long have you been going to our high school."
his question makes you laugh outloud, making him smile at the sound of your laugh. he's never heard you laugh like this since you've been tutoring him for past month and a half.
"i've been going there since the first day of freshman year." you shake your head at him, his question just proving that you really live up to your apparent reptuation.
"oh," jay nodded, "i remember seeing you in year 10. i just never saw you in year 9, i like never went that year."
"you saw me in year 10?" you ask him, your heart racing at his words.
"yeah, that time i stood on your essay because you bumped into me."
"you remember that?" you ask with a smile on your face, surprised that he would remember such a small encounter.
"yeah! i was high out of my mind but that was the first time i saw you so, like of course i'd remember." his words make you look away from him, you bite your lip in order to hide your smile and blushing cheeks.
you glance over at his busy shelves that hold pictures from when he was younger, to pictures of his friends and to trophies that look like they haven't been touched in years and you asked him more questions about his life, and you would struggle with answers for his.
"why don't you answer straightforwardly." jay spun around slightly in his chair, a smile through his frustration.
"i'm sorry!" you laughed at him, "i just, i find it hard to open up i guess." jay nods at your answer, "especially to guys who i'm suppose to be tutoring."
"hey!" jay called out, "i mean, we don't have to study, we could-"
"we're studying!" you interrupted him, picking his textbook off of his carpeted floor and tossing it gently into his lap. "page 234."
jay sighed, but opened his textbook, telling himself to get through this afternoon with his head in his book.
and jay really did study. it was the most you've ever seen him interact with his textbook and pencil. he'd ask you questions if he didn't understand. he took his time answering the questions and really thinking of the answers. you figured that it was probably because he was home where he felt like he could be himself. there weren't a thousand kids all staring at him like he was some crazed criminal that would turn on them in a second. he wasn't surrounded with people he hated.
he was with you, who looked too pure to be sitting on his grey duvet, and his mother was humming a song downstairs that was barely audible, but when it got silent as he worked on a question you'd be able to hear it. even with the words he was struggling to put together and his mother's humming he found it hard to ignore the fact that your pretty thighs were exposed to him on his bed. the way they contrasted with his old duvet didn't make sense to him and he figured next time you'd come he'd get his mother to put a new, nicer one on that suited you more.
your parents started to text you to come home around dinner time, the two of you feeling proud of how much jay had actually studied and learnt that day. as he walked you down to the front door of his house, his chest was filled with a tightness he's never felt before. and you waved to his mom as you started to go down his pretty porch steps from his pretty house.
"y/n." jay called out to you from his doorway.
"nothing." jay shrugged suddenly finding words to say was hard.
you smiled sweetly at him, "good luck on your test, jay."
jay only smiled back at you, before stepping back into his house and closing the door, your figure disappearing from his sight.
"she seems like a good girl." he hears his mother say from behind him.
"yeah, because she is." jay nods, too good. and it makes him think that even though he's seemingly understanding how math works now, it makes him think that if he gets too good at math that he won't be able to see you anymore. because there will be no way in hell a good girl like you would hang out with a boy like him.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
the next tuesday tutor session between you and jay started when he slammed down his test in front o fyou on the table.
the loud bang disturbed every other student in the library but jay of course didn't seem to care as you looked up at him and he held the greatest smirk you had ever seen him wear.
"seventy.nine.percent." is he all he said to you as he looked down into your eyes.
"seventy nine?" you yelled out, disturbing others, but unlike jay you did care, mumbling a sorry to the other students who gave you dirty looks and whispered to jay for him to sit down. "seventy nine?" you whisper shouted to him, excited that he maybe was failing that much anymore.
"seventy nine!" jay said nodded, that stupid smirk on his face still.
and then you saw it.
the piece of metal that was now wrapped around jay's bottom lip.
the cool silver of the ring securly clung to his rosy, plump lip.
"uh, g-good job." you muttered out, trying to congratulate him on his high mark but too distracted by the new jewlery that he adorned.
"thanks." he smiled at the way you couldn't stop staring at his lips. "is there anything you want to ask me?" jay teased you, pouting out his bottom lip, rebuting your inner thought of it being a fake piercing.
"yeah uh, when did you get that?" you asked him, touching your own bottom lip as to where his was on his own lips.
"yesterday." jay shrugged, his tongue running over the metal, making your eyes follow it.
"what made you decide to get it?" you asked curiously, your mind just racing with thoughts and questions about it.
"my mom said she'd disown me if i got anymore piercings." jay shrugged, pulling out his textbook casually.
"so, you went and got it pierced?"
you couldn't believe him as you continued to watch him act like it was a normal day occurence. and you couldn't help but think about how well the piercing suited him. it tied in his whole appearance and made butterflies grow in your stomach.
"do you like it?" jay asked you, noticing the way that you couldn't stop staring at his new piercing, a smirk growing on his lips at your glazed eyes.
you felt the blush that never seemed to leave your cheeks when you're with jay arise onto your face, "yeah, it's nice."
"it's nice?"jay teased you, leaning over the table to look straight into your eyes, a chuckle leaving his mouth once he sees that you can't meet his gaze.
"it- it suits you."
jay smirks at your cute remark and sits back in his chair, absentmindley twirling his pencil as he waits for you to get ready to tutor him. "you know," he starts suddenly, just as you're about to give him an assignemnt, "since i didn't go to a party last weekend, you should come to a party with me this weekend."
you sigh at the mention of a high school party because you've already heard so much about them- especially about the ones that jay and his friends go to. "i've already told you that i don't go to parties."
"but why," jay groaned, "you're the one that was upset about your reputaiton, so how about you change it this weekend?"
the mention of your reputation made you body tense, remembering that that probably still is what jay thinks about you. "i- i just can't go."
jay huffs and crosses his arms, his chest popping out as he still leans back in his chair, his legs straight out under the table and bumping into your own. "how about you come over again this weekend, to study more."
"what? you don't have a test for another two weeks why would i need to come over this weekend?" you asked him with genuine confusion.
jay only sighs at how oblivious you are to his flirting before sitting up, "because i learn a lot from you, obviousily," he points at his test, "and you're fun to hang out around, i guess."
his statement makes you stop flipping through your textbook as you slowly look up at him, glancing at his damn lip piercing before meeting his eyes, "how am i fun?" all you ever do with him is ignore his stupid remarks and talk about school.
"you're fun to tease."
your jaw dropped as you tried to hide your smile, "i'm fun. to tease?"
"yeah, so you should come over again this weekend, so you can tutor me and i can tease you."
you scoffed, looking away from him in disbelief but amusement, "fine."
"fine?" jay genuinely smiled at you.
"yes. fine." you grinned, "now please, try questions 1 to 5."
jay let out a groan that made other students look at your table again, only this time you could care less about their angry stares as thoughts of park jay went through your mind.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jay waking up ten minutes before you were suppose to arrive is defintely not what had planned on saturday.
especially the part with him still feeling high from going to a party last night with heeseung.
jay scrambled around his room, trying to find a better shirt to wear instead of the one he wore last night that currently smelt like shitty alcohol and sweat. all he could think about was how fucked he'd be if you came in and saw him like this.
jay knew how uncomfortable you got when you were around someone that wasn't completely sober- and he couldn't imagine how'd you feel being in someone else's house with them still high from the night before.
"fuck, fuck, fuck." jay mumbled to himself as he quickly rinsed his face with water. looking in the mirror, he didn't think he looked too fucked but maybe he was just too used to seeing himself like this.
and he hated that.
last night was the first party that he had went to where he didn't thorouly enjoy himself. sure, he had fun because heeseung was there and the music wasn't bad. but it seemed like the drugs and alcohol couldn't distract his mind anymore. so kept drinking, and he kept smoking and the next thing he knew he was waking up in a jolt because you'd be at his house in a matter of minutes.
heeseung could tell that his friend wasn't his usual self the night before. he knew that jay liked to be intoxicated- but he could even tell that he was over doing it. girls would come up to them, only for them to be shrugged off by jay. heeseung was shocked by it. he knew that jay hated mostly everyone, but he never shrugged girls, no matter how annoying they were.
before heeseung could ask his friend was wrong, jay was alrready lost with the drugs and music, dancing in the middle of the party and fitting in with everyone else. heeseung almost laughed at thought that if jay could see himself right now- he'd hate it.
so now, jay felt rugged and tired as he couldn't help but let his mind wander about the events of last night and what was wrong with him. he just wants to be good for you.
the knock at his front door really pushed his mind back into the present.
"oh hi, y/n!" his mother spoke from downstairs, "i don't know if jay's awake."
"oh, uh, i can come back then." you spoke out sheepishly, about to back out of the pretty house.
"i'm awake!" a quick voice spoke from the bottom of the stairs again. jay stood in grey sweatpants again, and a white and black shirt, his hair looking as if he had ran his fingers through it a million times.
"oh! hi, honey. i didn't hear you up." miyoung said, moving to the side to let you come in.
"yeah, i've been quiet, i guess." miyoung perked an eyebrow up at him, knowing that he's lying through his teeth. she had heard jay come home at 4am last night, stumbling to his room before probably passing out. "let's go to my room, y/n." you smiled up at him at his position on the stairs, bowing to miyoung before following jay up into his room.
his room looked the same as it did the weekend before. but the curtains weren't drawn and his bed was messier. "sorry about the mess." jay said, realizing you were scanning his room. he quickly shoved some clothes that were lying on the floor into his closet before shutting the door to it.
"it's okay." you smiled, sitting down at his desk this time. you put your backpack on the ground beside your feet, watching as jay opened his curtains before sitting on his bed. jay seemed quieter today then he's ever been when he's around you. he looked almost out of it as he started taking his textbooks out of his own bag. "sorry, if you were sleeping before i came."
"no, it's okay!" jay said, waving his hand in the air, "i wasn't sleeping." you nodded your head, feeling almost awkward as you sat across from each other. "do you want to start with biology?"
"sure." you chirped too excitdly, trying to mask your awkwardness. you weren't sure why you were feeling this way. it just seemed like jay wasn't prepared for your arrival and it made feel like you weren't wanted there.
"what page was the biochemistry on again?"
"481." you heard jay start turning the pages of his textbook as you got your papers out and ready. "i can't find it."
"no? 481?" you restated, looking at your own textbook. "let me see." you got up and walked over to his spot on the bed, leaning over his shoulder slightly, trying to find the right page for him. you felt jay straighten his back at your presence, making you more awkward as your eyes skimmed the pages quickly.
jay thought he was going to die with your face so close to his. he didn't want you to smell weed on him. your hair was dangling over your own shoulder, letting him see the side of your face as you focused on helping him. he could see you were chewing on the inside of your cheek, a habit that he's picked up on quite quickly.
"here." you pointed at a highlighted part on his textbook, "sorry, you have a different edition of textbook than me so the pages are kind of off." you nodded to him, moving away from him to go back to your chiar.
"shouldn't we share mine then, so we don't get confused." jay smirked at you standing above him. you rolled your eyes at him with a smile. "it'd be easier."
you agreed and sat down beside him on his bed, he sat with his legs crossed under his textbook while your legs dangled off the side. you made sure your skirt was covering your thighs as you tutored the boy.
you thanked god that jay was pretty easy to teach. he was funny and he flirted with you majority of the times, but still he knew when he had to listen and actuallly seemed interested in learning sometimes. you think it was the first time that you ever had fun while tutoring someone.
jay thought that it would be over for him once he was forced to go to a tutor. he really thought that he would never graduate hell high school because why the hell would he want someone to tutor him. but since it's you thats the tutor, he really gave it a try.
it's not like jay was stupid. he just didn't see a point in listening to teachers or even going to school. he guesses that school work is actually pretty easy for him because you're the one that's teaching him.
he finds it so easy to listen to you. the way you actually take your time with him to see if he understands everything. you're so caring in general about everything and everyone in your life that it makes him jealous.
with your appearance, he can tell how much thought you put in to it- and he's selfish enough to think that sometimes you dress yourself with the thought of him in your mind. he's sure that you've noticed how many times he's stared at your legs in skirts during the past month.
so now jay has the thought of your bare legs against his bed and he can't stop himself from staring at your soft skin and the way your thighs would feel against the palm of his hands and how delicate he'd have to be with them so they don't bruise.
"hm?" he replies to you, not even hiding the fact that he was staring at your legs. he caught the way that you were trying to hide your blush as you realized where he was staring as well.
"i asked if you wanted to take a break, you don't seem to be paying much attention anymore."
"yeah, a break sounds good." jay nods, closing his textbook and throwing it to the bottom of his bed.
jay's hand comes to lay beside him so it's inbetween you and him. his pinky finger brushing against the lower part of your thigh were your skirt as ridden up. its silent for a moment, both of you aware of the small touch lingering with the two of you, but both of you can't find yourselves to care.
his finger slowly brushes up and down, it being the only movement in the room besides your chest moving frantcally from your heavy breaths. jay assumes that you've most likely never been on a bed with a guy before (and he's right!) and he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable and the weed from the night before is probably not helping him make decisions. so he moves his hand farther up so it's resting on your thigh.
his movement makes both of you turn yours heads to look at eachother, the warmth from eachothers bodies growing substantially.
"do you like tutoring me?" jay asks, a smirk on his face as he scans your own.
"mhm," you almost whisper with a nod, "you're easy to teach."
jay smiles at your innocent answer, "can i tutor you now?"
your eyebrows scrunch in confusion, "tutor me about what?"
jay hums in thought for a moment, re thinking all of his life choices that have brought him here as his fingers lightly trace figures on your skin. it's just as soft as he imagined and he feels himself becoming entranced by it. "well you've taught me how to be a good student," jay and you pause to smile at each other in agreement, "how about i teach you how to be bad now?"
you pause at his words, excitemnet filling your lungs as you look down at his still freshly pierced lip ring. his eyes hold the mischief that they usually do, but they're mixed with something like genuine concern and care. his gaze mixed with that god forbid hot lip ring is what makes you nod your head until jay is reaching over to your neck and trailing soft kisses down it.
"you're okay with this, right?" jay whispers to you, looking straight into your eyes as he pulls away.
"yes." is all you can speak, still not over the feeling of his warm lips and cold metal pushed against your neck. his lips begin to kiss over your shoulder before he pulls away again.
"and you'll tell me if you want me to stop? because i will."
his words make your stomach flip as you never thought bad boy park jay could be so caring. "yes, jay."
jay pulls away and smiles at you one more time before ushering you to lay down with him, your head meeting his soft pillow. jay was laying on his side, lips still kissing your neck as his fingers played with the hem of your skirt. and jay thinks to himself that he's never been so careful before in his life. he was acting as if you were made out of glass.
"has anyone ever touched you before, y/n?" jay asks, kissing your jaw once before pulling away to look at you.
"no." you nod, somewhat embarrassed at your confession, even though you assumed jay had already knew the answer to it.
"just me?" jay asks, a smirk on his face.
you feel jay smile against your skin before his fingers started to softly touch yoru core over your panties, your skirt being pulled up over your stomach. your cotton, pastel panties in yours and jay's sight. you feel like you should be embarrassed about your underwear choice- espeically in a time like this- but jay moving slow circles over your clit takes the embarrasment away from you.
jay could feel your wetness through your panties, almost groaning at the thought of how wet you'd feel around his cock. you bit your lip to suppress the moan you already had as you watched his index finger circle directly over your clit. you had thought about jay for so long in this position and you never thought that it would happen.
jay's finger stopped and his hand started playing with the hem of your skirt as he kissed your neck again once. "you're so sensitive." jay breathlessly laughed into your skin. you covered your face at his statement, really feeling embarrassed now. "stop," jay laughed loud now, pulling your hands away. "it's cute," he pecked your jaw, "you're cute."
"you're too nice to be considered so bad." you spoke out to him, the throbbing in your core making your mind hazy.
"only for you." jay confessed, his fingers going back to play with the hem of your panties.
"just for me?" you mocked his words from before.
"just for you."
his fingers dipped into your panties now. jay almost moaned at how easily his fingers slipped between your folds. he heard your rought breath in his ear as he started to rub your engorged clit again, his finger presssing the right amount of pressure on it already.
"so wet." jay whispered to you, both of you looking down at his hand in yoru pants. he put his middle finger with his index finger as he made faster circles on your clit, your hips jolting up at his change in pace.
you could hear your wetness mix with jay's fingers as he rubbed you, spreading your juices around your core and in between your thighs. you let out a soft moan, biting onto the back of your hand to keep quiet so miyoung doesn't hear. god what if miyoung hears?
the thought only turns you on more even though you feel like it shouldn't. you were really, finally, letting go of that good girl persona you had on. you couldn't decide if it was good that you began to tutor jay or not as his index finger slipped slowly inside your core.
you let out a whimper at the feeling, never feeling it before. "does it feel okay?" jay asked, seeing you nod as he curled his finger upwards towards your belly button. "god, you're so tight." you could only nod as you could feel how tight you wrapped around his finger. he could barely push his index in and out slowly. "can't imagine how tight you'd feel around my cock." he feels you clench around his fingers tighter at his words. "do you like the thought of my cock inside of you?" you whimpered out in response to him, imagining the scenario in your head.
"y-yes, i love it!" you moaned out, your arm bending so that your hand could play with jay's hair. you could feel jay smirk against your skin again before pulling his fingers away from. you whined out at the stop of his motions before he put his fingers in his mouth, humming around them.
"'m sorry, but i really needed to taste you. been thinking 'bout it for so long." you felt your hips jolt up at his thoughts out of instinct, just thoughts of how hot this boy is was driving you crazy. he stuck the same two fingers out in front of your mouth, "spit." you pursed your lips and let your saliva drip down onto his fingers, earning a groan from him before he started rubbing your clit again with his and yours salivia mixed together.
"j-jay." he hummed against your skin in response, "feels t-too goo-d."
"gonna cum?" he asked you, kissing your cheek, an action so sweet compared to the speed he was rubbing your clit at.
"y-yes." you nodded up at him as he hovered above you on his shoulder. your fucked out gaze drove him crazy as he looked down at you.
"that's okay, angel, cum on my fingers." he whispered to you, his head leaning on yours now as you both watched his fingers rub against your clit under your panties. you moaned out, your hand gripping onto his hair tighter.
"jay!" you moaned out, your back arching as you hit your orgasm, his fingers not stopping as you rode it out. you felt your eyes close and open, leaning your head into jay's as some form of support.
"that's it, that's my angel, that's my good girl." jay whispered, kissing your forehead as his fingers slowed down. you whined as the sensitivity started to catch up on you, pushing hhis fingers away gently, making jay laugh. "can't do another one?"
"god, no." you smiled at his teasing expression. jay wiped his hands on his duvet (the one that he hated) and pulled your skirt back down so you were covered. "you still think i'm a good girl?" you asked him, turning on your side so you were facing him.
jay pulled away with a hum, looking above your head in the air, "yep, i still see the halo above your head."
you shoved hisd shoulder gently, "shut up."
"do you see my halo?"
you looked above his head at his question, "nope, just devil horns." jay shoved you back with a laugh, rolling so he layed on his back now.
"are you going to stay for dinner?" jay asked, the thought of his stomach being completely empty filling his mind.
"oh god." you sat up immediately at the mention of dinner, grabbing yoru phone off of his bed side table. "god, i have to go!" you exclaimed, realizing just how close to your dinner time it was and that your parents had probably already expected you home by now.
"what?" jay sat up on his elbwos, wathching you scramble around his room like he did earlier this morining, gathering yoru things in a hurry. "why?"
"my parents wanted me home like ten minutes ago for dinner." you said, barely looking at him as you shoved your things in your bag.
jay chuckled at your explaination before laying back down again, "yeah, you most defiently are still a good girl."
"shut it." were the last words you said to him with a laugh before pulling open his bedroom door and leaving his house, saying bye to miyoung before running home to your parents who were already sat at the dinner table waiting for you.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
park jay plops down in his usual spot in the library, wearing a bigger smirk than usual on tuesday afternoon.
"hi, jay." you looked up at him from your book.
"hi, good girl." you rolled your eyes at him and set your book down in front of you. "how was dinner with your parents on saturday?"
"fine." you shook your head in an obvioius tone. when he didn't say anything in return you stasred him; his eyes were glazed over, his usual tense shoulders were fallen slack and the lazy smirk never left his face as he stared almost blankly at you. "are you high?"
the smirk left his face then.
"a little- and i'm sorry! i am! i didn't mean to get this fucked."
you sat back in your chair, distancing yourself from him the more you could, making jay feel even more guilty. "i thought you said you were going to try to not get high anymore."
"i was!" he most defintely wasn't. "but then i hadn't seen heeseung in a couple of days and he has a spare at uni right now so he drove by to see me!" he explained to you, the look of annoyance not leaving your face, "you're goody-two-shoes reputation won't be ruined because i'm high, y/n."
you scoffed, "yeah, well yours won't get any better. what happened to wanting a halo?"
jay bit his cheek, feeling guilty that he couldn't live up to your expectations of him. "i'm sorry. i won't get high anymore." you quirked your eyebrow up at him in disbelief, "i won't!" he laughed, nudging your foot with his own.
you couldn't help but smile and give in to him, unaware about just how dangerous it was to do.
"if you really don't want to tutor me today because i'm high that's fine, i'll see you saturday anyways right?"
"saturday?" you repeated with confusion.
"yeah, you tutor me every tuesday and saturday, right?"
you sighed at his teasing, "i guess." your answer made laugh before he stood up, nudging your book towards you again, "get back to reading, good girl."
you picked up your book, sticking your tongue out at him as swung his backpack over his shoulder to leave, "see you saturday."
"bye." you said to him, watching him leave the library without sparing a glance to anyone.
so that's how you ended up going to jay's house every saturday, seeing the boy more often that what you had expected when you had agreed to tutor him. texting each other during the week was something you had never even thought would occur. but you were having fun, even if seeun had no idea what was going on.
you had thought long and hard about whether you should tell seeun about your blooming friendship with park jay. ultimatelty, you came up with the idea that you'd rather be dead than tell her. you knew she wouldn't accept it with all the warnings she had given you in the past four years you had known her- even last week she was telling you to be careful. maybe you should've listened to her.
but it was so hard to listen to her when park jay was staring at you with those pretty brown eyes of his from his bed.
"focus on the assignment, jay!" you scolded him playfully, catching him staring at you again.
"well stop being so fucking pretty and i might be able to!"
no matter how many times jay flirts with you, the blush never seems to escape your cheeks, "stop." you laughed, standing up from your chair and walking over to him, shoving his shoulder so he layed down on his bed. you sit down on his bed, looking down at him.
jay's hand reaches out and plays with your hand lazily, lacing his fingers in and out of your own. you felt your heart swell at his little touches.
suddenly, jay grabs your hand and pulls you down towards him, so your faces are an inch apart and your upper half is laying on top of him. "jay!" you cry at the suddeness before he's pressing his lips to yours.
you quickly realize what he's doing and start to press your lips back to his, slowly your lips move together before you're pulling apart just as fast as they came together. "you taste like cigarettes." you scrunch your eyebrows together.
jay pulls his head back and laughs out, "i told you i'd stop smoking weed, not tobacco."
you pout up at him, your chin resting on his chest as he looks down at you. his hand comes up behind you and starts to play with your hair. "don't give me that face, i'm trying, i want to swtich reputations with you."
"you want to switch?" you ask, quircking your eyebrow up in amusement.
"yeah, like you become bad and i become good."
you roll your eyes at him, "that's stupid."
"i know, but i like seeing how bad you can be."
"and how bad do you think i can be?" you teased him, fluttering your eyelashes at him.
"let's find out." jay says, flipping you over so now he's on top of you, your hair spirling out across his pillow.
his lips come crashing down on yours, the movement so rough and sudden compared to his soft lips. the metal from his lip piercing felt so good against your lips that it reminded you about who exactly you were kissing.
jay started to move down your neck, kissing right behind your ear where he found your sweet spot. his hands stay perched on your waist as your legs wrap around his body, locking him in. your skirt has pooled up at your waist, leaving your panty core bare to his jean clad crotch.
your hips grinded up against jay's crotch, making him groan against your warm skin. he pulled away from your neck, his fingers playing with the hem of your panties like he did last time. "can i take these off, angel?"
"please." you begged him, wanting to feel more of him.
"so polite." he smirked down at you, kissing your forehead before pulling down your panties. your legs wanted to close at the sudden touch of cold air, but jay's broad shoulders kept them apart. jay leanned down so he was eye level with your core. "can i taste you, y/n?"
"yes, jay." you nodded down at him, his hand trailing up the side of you so he could lace his fingers with yours again, only this time it was in a more of an innappropriate action with the way his mouth was breathing warm air against your pussy.
jay left open mouthed kisses on your thighs, teasing you slightly just like he always does. you were about to tell him to stop it before his tongue met your clit.
"god." you moaned out, your head leaning back against his pillow again at the feeling.
jay felt like he was in heaven. he had died and somehow ended up in heaven.
you felt so warm under him and with your hand laced in his. you tasted so good, so pure and just for him that it drove him crazy.
jay swivled his tongue aorund your clit in circles, before dipping down and tongueing your hole.
"jay, oh god." you moaned out, unable to hold it in on the new feeling you were experiencing. he felt so talented with his tongue that you weren't sure how you could feel this good ever again.
you squeezed his hand tight as you made eye contact with him. jay moaned at your fucked out expression, which caused vibrations to go straight to your core.
"does it feel good, angel?"
"s-so good, jay." you nodded, seeing spit coat your pussy and his face.
jay's fingers trailed down your thigh, before sticking too fingers iinto your hole. "fuck, still so tight." jay groaned against your core, thankful for your juices and his spit to make his fingers ease in so well.
his fingers fucked into you a slow pace, but his tongue swirled around your clit so fast that it caused your hips to buck up into his face. "s-sorry." you moaned out to him.
you felt him laugh into your skin, "don't be sorry, you're hot." jay sucked your clit into his mouth gently, his tongue circling it before he kissed your thigh again. you moaned out at jay's name at his compliment. it felt like a dream to be called hot by park jay- especially when he was eating you out.
his fingers continued to fuck up into you, scissoring once they were shoved all the way in before pulling out and doing it all over again.
you let go of jay's hand, sweat helping keep them together, and reached down to hold onto his hair, your hips digging closer to his face. you could hear how wet you were by the fast pace was jay was slipping his fingers inside of you now.
"oh my god." you moaned breathlessly, "d-don't stop jay, please."
"i won't, angel." jay responded, digging his face further into your wet pussy. "feel like cuming?"
"y-yes, so close, so close."
jay kept fingering you, feeling your walls clench around his fingers so well until they were spasming, and your hips were grinding into his face with your back arched off the bed. his tongue kept sucking yoru clit until all your movement had stopped, and your moans had turned into small whimpers.
jay placed a kiss on your core as he pulled away, rubbing your clit quickly before pulling away which made you cry out.
jay laughed at you, bending down to kiss you right on your lips.
"so mean." you pouted at him, before kissing him again.
"so cute." he responded, pushing your hair out of your face before standing up and walking to his closet. you saw him start to search through his clothes, but you felt so dazed from your orgasm to ask what he was doing.
jay walked back over with a pair of black sweatpants that he had managed to find. he pulled your skirt down, making you realize just how bare you really were to him.
"what?" jay laughed at you suddenly pulling away from him, "don't act like my face wasn't just there."
"jay!" you cried out, your hands covering your face from his dirty words.
"what? it's true!" jay said, gently pulling your legs so they were straight again. "let me put these on you." you sighed and allowed him slide his sweatpants over your bare legs. you moved your hips so he could pull them over and tie them at your waist.
when you were dressed again, jay leaned over you, pressing a soft kiss your lips before resting his head on your chest. it was such a different action that what you would've assumed he would do.
everything you had heard about park jay before had completely left your mind at that exact moment. he wasn't the asshole, bad boy that everyone had described him as. he was sweet, and thoughtful and he just liked to party with his friends.
so you played with his hair as he rested his eyes while laying on your chest- trying to hide his raging boner from you and enjoy this moment with you.
both of you were known for such different reputations, both wanting to stand out from this world, and together it felt like you did.
"do you wanna have dinner here tomorrow night?" jay asked, breaking the silence. he kept his eyes at the bottom of his bed where your legs intertwined. he had never asked a girl to have dinner at his house before and he was so nervous about the way he was feeling about it.
"sure." you shrugged, trying to hide your excitment by playing cool.
"my dad's gonna be here."
you had never met jay's father before. you've seen pictures of him around the house. and you had heard some stories about him from jay. you knew he seemed to be strict, and he worked a lot so jay wasn't particularly close with him.
"that's fine." you shrugged again, feeling jay's tense body on your own as he mentionned his dad.
"yeah?" jay looked up at you finally, brown doe eyes looked into your own.
jay smiled at you, leaning up to kiss you on the lips slowly, humming into your mouth with a feeling of contentness. jay didn't really know what he was feeling at the time then. he knew his grades were improving, and his mom was less mad at him all the time, his friends were confused by his new revelations to not get obliviated by drugs or alcohol. but he had you underneath him and that's all he could ever ask for.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
you had never been invited over for dinner to a boys' house before. so you had no idea what to expect as you walked up to the pretty house you had started to become familiar with. everytim eyou walked up the long drive way, it felt like intimidating and more friendly.
miyoung opened the door to you with a great smile on her face. she looked the same as usual- beautiful- but her clothing was more dressed up for the occassion.
"y/n!" she exclaimed, ushering for you to come in and to take off your jacket. "y/n's here!" she called out, turning her head towards the inside of the house for others to hear. your heart started racing at the thought of having a formal meal with park jay's family.
jay turned the corner from somewhere in the house, a smirk on his face as he saw you. he wore his usual all black outfit- but it was more formal than usual and you almost drooled at the sight. he wore black jeans with a black turtleneck. his silver jewlery was wrapped around his fingers and neck- his lip piercing moved against his plush lips as he greeted you. "let's go sit down."
jay walked beside you behind miyoung, walking through their big house. you had never been this far into their house before- usually only going to jay's bedroom, the bathroom and back. it was what you expected to look like. modern and fancy with great white walls that held expensive looking decorations and art.
they led you to an even greater room with a long, dark oak table. their was a bright, crystal chandelliar hanging above the table and a lovely candle stick in the center of the table.
at the far end of the table sat a man: jay's father.
he looked exactly like jay- but more older and strict. he looked expensive and it almost made you quiver away from intimidation.
"james, this is y/n- jays' tut- friend. jay's friend." miyoung stopped herself, smiling at jay before he could groan out in embarassment.
jay's father looked up from his watch, before his eyes met yours. you smiled and politely bowed to him, "nice to meet you, sir."
"oh my, you don't have to call him sir, just call him james." miyoung brushed her hand on your shoulder, "come over here, you can sit across from jay." she ushered you over to one of the empty dining room chairs.
jay's dad hadn't said a word to you, only staring at you with an expresssion that you would describe as 'shock'. you heard jay stiffle a laugh as he sat across from you, not believing that you is what made his father recover that stupid expression.
when jay's father came home earlier in the day- he thought maybe just maybe, his father would break his serious expression at the sight of jay's new lip piercing. but nothing. just a normal 'hello' before he went into his office for the rest of the day.
after years of jay trying to get his father to react to anything he does- the one thing he doesn't try intentionally is what makes his father break: you.
jay feels like he's in sort of other dimension as he takes in what is going on. his father is actually interested in something that is related to him. his mother is bringing delicious food out on the table for everyone to eat. and you're sitting across from him looking so pretty and anxious as you smile at his parents.
you feel jay nudge your foot under the table, making you look up at him. he winks at you, trying to reassure you that you're fine.
"so, how are you friends with," james started, pointing at his son, "jay." there was a hint of confusion in his voice as he looked between you two.
"uh, i tutor him sometimes." you explain, taking a sip of the water that miyoung had put down in front of you.
"Ah, so you're the reason why his grades have been getting better." james nodded at you. jay was shocked that his father had actually known he had been doing better at school.
"i've been helping, but he does his tests by himself and such so."
james hummed in approval, moving out of the way so miyougn could place more food on the table before she sat down herself.
"i hope you're all really hungry!"miyoung exclaimed, signalling that everyone can dig in now.
the dinner went by smoothly. james seemed to be impressed with every answer you came up with to his or miyoung's questions. you were talking more than jay was for once.
jay didn't know what to say as he watched you interact with his parents. he's never seen his parents act so interested in one of his friend's before. they never even spoke a word to heeseung throughout all these years. jay didn't even want to say anything. he liked hearing you talk so confidently, it was nice to see you be yourself in front of someone that wasn't him.
jay leaned on his front door frame, staring down at you as you stood on his porch. it had started to become dark out now, the sun still setting in the far end of the city. you had bid miyoung and james a goodbte a few minutes ago, thanking them for the dinner as jay walked you out.
"are you okay?" you asked jay, staring at his blissful expression as he scanned your face. you had only ever seen jay this calm before when he was high.
"yeah, i'm really okay." jay nodded, his head shaking against the door frame. "sorry if my parents annoyed you or anything."
"they didn't, i like them, they're so nice."
"my mom's nice, i don't know about my dad, though."
you shook your head at him, "i had fun, don't worry."
"good," jay smiled at you, his fingers playing with the ends of your hair- an action that if he saw anyone else do he'd feel sick, but now it feels so comforting with you- "i'll see you in the library on tuesday, right?"
"of course," you nodded, backing down the porch now, "stay out of trouble, yeah?"
"of course." jay nodded, mocking you with a smile. "bye, angel."
"bye~." you sang out, turning and walking home with a full stomach of food and butterflies.
jay closed the door once you were out of sight, sighing before heading to the stairs for his room.
"jay?" his father called out to him from the living room.
jay quietly groaned as he turned around and went ot see his father. he was sitting on the far end of the couch, turning the tv on mute once his son came in. "sit."
jay sat on one of the chiars that no one ever sat in. "what is it?" he didn't want to talk to his dad. he was tired and frustrated that he hadn't been able to smoke all day.
"are you and y/n, dating?"
jay didn't know how to answer his question. you weren't dating but god did he want to. it was something that jay had never had the urge to do before- date a girl and do boyfriend-girlfriend things- and he's sure his past self would cringe if he knew what he was thinking.
"no, we're just friends."
"and you're going to stay friends, right?" james quirked an eyebrow up at his son, unsure of waht his intentions were with a girl like you.
"what does that mean?"
"it means that you shouldn't be even hanging around with her jay- you should've stayed as tutor and student."
"what the hell are. you talking about?" jay sat up in the unused chair.
"come on son, you know" james shook his head at him, scanning his face for a sense of knowing, when it didn't come he continued, "i don't know what you plan on doing with y/n, but you know that a girl like her shouldn't be hanging out with a boy like you."
"and what is that?"
james sighed, hsi fingers coing to pinch his nose bridge in frustration, "you're a troublemaker jay, and she's so innocent that-"
jay scoffed and stood up, cutting off his father's words.
"and so what? i'm just a troublemaker for life? i can't change?"
"of course you can! just not with her!" james stood up now, his hands coming out in front of him in explaination to his son.
"and why not?"
"because you'll ruin her while you're trying to fix yourself!"
the silence in the house is a silence that's never been there before.
there were nights in the park house where the only sound would be miyoung crying out of worry for her son. nights where jay's music would blast through from his room. and some nights, there would be nothing but james' breathing from the living room as he sat and watched tv on mute, trying to relieve his never ending headache.
the silence now, as jay and his father looked each other with anger and sadness was of something that no one knew how to break. jay always knew that you would be too good for him. the moment he saw you years ago in the hallway- he knew that you were the one thing he had to stay away from. but now that he knew you- how could he stay away?
the silence went on until jay scoffed and left the room. he grabbed his jacket on his way out, slamming the pretty front door on the way out- it being the final sound in the house for the night.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jay doesn't remember the next day.
he knows that once he wakes up in the late afternoon on tueday in heeseung's bedroom- an hour of school left of the day- that he's fucked.
he's fucked because he knows he just messed up his attendance for the semester- and because his head feels like it's been bashed against the wall one million times.
he feels a weight on his side as he tries to move, turning his head to see sunghoon's passed out figure, his arm resting on jay's body. jay sighs before gently shrugging off his arm, knowing that he won't wake up his drunk friend.
jay scrambles around heeseung's room, trying to find his shoes before going to the bathroom. he looks in the mirror to see a sight he's seen so many times. he's washing his face to try to get rid of any intoxication but he knows it's not going to do anything. and then jay's sighing as he's leaving heeseung's house, heading to the school so you can try to tutor him and he can pretend he didn't just spend the last twenty-four hours partying with his friends.
you had realized the frown on jay's face the moment he walked into the library. you didn't say anything because you knew that he was moody sometimes. you had realized that he wasn't trying the practice problems you had given him. you didn't offer to help him because you knew that he understood the concept.
it was almost completely silent between you two for the hour that you were suppose to tutor him until you finally spoke up about his behvaiour.
"hm?" jay asked, looking up from his paper that he hasn't touched.
"i asked what's wrong, you don't seem okay."
"'m fine." he mumbled, going back to staring at question one.
you pouted at his answer, your mind going blank when trying to figure out if you had done anything to upset him. you were obviously getting caught up in your mind about faults that didn't exist. jay could tell that you were feeling uspet about because him and it honestly broke his heart.
"y/n, i'm fine. just my stupid father." jay explained briefly to you, hoping that pout on your lips would go away.
"don't worry about it, it's whatever." jay shrugged you off, not wanting to explain to you that you're too good for him and everyone can see it.
you reached across the table and took his unused pencil out of his hand before lacing your fingers with his. "jay, what happened?" jay looked at yoru concern filled eyes, hating himself more because you cared so much for him.
jay sighed, squeezing your hand back, "i don't want to ruin you, y/n."
"you're too nice, and caring, and smart and good. stuff that i'm not, and i don't want to change those things about you because you're hanging around with me."
"jay." you stated, staring at his worried face, when he didn't look at you, you squeezed his hand until he did, "jay, you are not going to ruin me. you know about our reputations and didn't we agree that high school reputations are stupid? so who cares if i'm a 'good girl' and you're a 'bad boy'. i can make my own decisions so you are not going to ruin me, okay?"
jay smiled sheepishly at you, realizing that maybe it's all been in his head, his father not helping him at all.
"okay." jay nodded, letting go of your hand so you both could pack your things to leave. when you were standing up jay called your name before he turned to leave. "do you wanna go on a date this weekend? like a proper one- not one that's just in my bedroom where we tutor each other."
you felt your cheeks turn hot at the mention of how you 'tutor' each other, but your heart warmed with thet hought of going on an actual date with jay. to a public place where people would see you two together.
"yeah, sure." you nodded, biting your lip to hold back your smile.
"okay, so i'll see you friday night?" jay asked, walking backwards out of the library.
"i'll see you friday, jay."
jay smiled a big smile at you before he turned and left the library, leaving you standing there with pink cheeks and a light heart.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
park jay picked you up outside your house on friday night in his black car that matched his black clothes and black hair. you had decided to wear jeans for tonight, as winter was quickly leaving seoul. you told your parents that you were hanging out with seeun for the night- no wanting to have a conversation with them about having boyfriends and what comes with it (safe sex!).
"hi, jay." you greeted him when you sat down in the passenger side of his car.
"hi, angel." he said, looking at your outfit, "you look pretty." his hand almost instinctively coming out to rest on your jean clad thigh.
"thank you." you smiled, clicking on your seatbelt as jay started to drive to the movie theatre.
jay had done everything right. he bought your movie ticket, your drink and popcorn. he made sure you were comfortable in your seat. he held your hand during the movie, and asked if you were having fun- and you were. up until a sex scene played during the movie and you couldn't help but think of jay's face in between your legs. you felt your panties become suddenly too tight and you wished you had worn your usual skirts after all.
jay noticed the way your thighs clenched together during the end of the movie, also aware of the painfully long sex scene that reminded him that he was on a date with you. he noticed the way you were quieter than usual as you walked out of the movie theatres when the moive was over- obviously there was inappropriate thoughts rushing through both of your minds and you didn't want them to ruin the nice date you had just had with park jay.
you were both sat inside of his jay's car, trying to warm up the car before he drove you back home. you were trying not to be obvious about the thoughts of jay running thorugh your mind but the obvious twitching and playing with your fingers was being a dead give away taht there was something on your mind.
jay put his hand on your thigh- an action that's becoming too familiar and comfortable- and you almost moaned at house sensitive you were still. there had been so many nights after hanging out with jay where his fingers and his stupid lip piercing were all that you could think about. no matter how long and hard you tried to focus on studying- park jay seemed to always appear in your mind. "are you okay, y/n?"
"y-yeah, did you like the movie?" you asked him, trying to ignore the way he was now squeezing your thigh, his fingers were just so close to your core.
"it was alright," jay shrugged, "are you cold? why are you bouncing your leg like that?" the point out of your whole body shaking make you stop your action completely to a halt.
"i-i'm fine." jay laughed at you, shaking his head and pulling away his hand. "what? why're you laughing?"
"i saw the way you reacted during that sex scene, y/n." jay stated, almost laughing again at your shocked expresssion. "is there anything you want from me, y/n?"
you took a sharp inhale, "i-i just want you."
jay smirked down at you at your confession, his lip ring shining in the lamp light outside. "yeah? do you wanna go to my house then?" you nodded in response, glancing down at his crotch for a second, gasping quietly when you saw his bulge. you looked around the street where jay had parked his car, everyone that had been in the movie theatre had left by now, no one was around the back of the parking lot where jay had parked.
your hand trailed over jay's thigh suddenly, before cupping his bulge in his black jeans.
"f-fuck, what're you doing, baby." jay gasped out, not expecting for you to touch him like this.
"i wanna show you just how bad i can really be." you pouted to him, a hint of mischief in your eyes that matched his.
"fuck, okay." jay nodded, sitting back in his spot as you climbed over the center console and sat right on his thighs. your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling his lips into yours in a deep kiss. you had never kissed each other so feverishly before- the passion ran through you both at a high speed as you sat on top of him.
jay's hands rested on your hips, playing with the buckle loops of your jeans. your hair was sprawled over his shoulders as you tilted your head down to kiss him. you pulled away, resting your forehead on his as your hands trailed down his chest, stopping at his jean button. "wait." jay's hand stopped yours, making you glance up at him with concerned wide eyes, "are you sure you wanna do that?"
"yes." you nodded strictly, "a-are you okay with this?"
"yes, my angel." jay said, pulling your lips to his again before resting his hands on your thighs.
both of your eyes were locked on your hands unbuttoning his jeans. your hands went inside of his boxers, feeling his warm, hard length under your fingers. you could feel jay twitch underneath you at your touch. you pulled out his length so it was in view. his pale skin seemed like it was glowing from the moon light shining in the car. you felt your jaw drop at finally seeing jay's cock.
jay laughed underneath you, finding your reaction cute.
"what?" you pouted at him again with a smile, "don't laugh at me."
"i'm not!" jay kissed your nose, "you're just so cute." you shook your head at him, lifting his cock up so it was straight in your hands.
remembering what you had over heard some others girl say in your class, you let spit fill up your mouth before you dropped a glob down on his red tip. jay let out a quiet hiss at your action. you brought your lips to hiss again, your hand starting to move up and down his hard cock slowly. your kissing speed matched your hands' speed.
jay started to kiss your neck, making you throw your head to side so he could have better access. he hummed against your skin when you tightened your grip on his cock, your thumb brushing over the glob of precum that sat ontop of his tip. "i wanna suck your dick, jay." you moaned out, making jay stop kissing your neck and pull away to look at you.
"you what?" he asked in shock about the words that had just came from your mouth.
"i wanna suck your dick."
"fuck." jay rested his head on the back of the headrest, looking up at you in the moonlight. "you're perfect you know that?"
you laughed at him, before moving down so that you were inbetween his legs, your knees at the bottom of the car floor. you looked up at him through your eyelashes, loving the way that he was looking at you as if you were an actual angel.
you kissed the bottom of his shaft, your hand moivng up and down his shaft as you put kitten licks on his tip- trying to imagine waht else you had heard other girls talk about. your tongue licked across the slit, making jay groan quietly. his hands went ot play iwth your hair again- something that he never seems to stop doing now.
your hand and spit was getting jay's dick so wet that it was easier to move and squeeze his dick. you pulled away from his tip and started sucking on the bottom of his shaft, your hand speeding up as it moved up and down.
"god, that feels so good angel." jay groaned out, his head giong back to rest on the head rest again. he was trying so hard to not buck up into your mouth. this was only a scenario he had dreamed off before- and now that it was reality he didn't know how long he could hold himself over for.
you put his tip in your mouth, swirling your tongue around before pushing yoru head down his cock. when his tip hit the back of your throat, you tried to not pull out but it was hard not to. your hands kept stroking his cock up and down as you pulled away, his stomach tightening at the feeling of your thorat closing around him. you put another glob of spit on his dick, making jay groan out at the sight.
"fuck, look at me when you do that." jay groaned out, pulling your hair so that you would look at him. "fuck that's it."
you started to put his cock all the way in your mouth again, yoru hand stroking what you couldn't fit until you found a right pace.
"my god." jay groaned out, taking a deep breath as he bit onto the back of his hand, trying to not buck into your mouth as your innocent eyes looked right into his. "that's it angel." he nodded at you, praising you for how well you were sucking his dick. your cheeks were hollowing in as you started to slurp around his dick. you were sure if anyone walked past the car they would be able to hear your sucking noises and jay's moans and groans.
"fuck, y/n. 'm gonna cum if you don't stop." jay warned you, gently trying to pull your head off him. his warning only made you suck and stroke his cock harder, wanting to see him cum like he's seen you before.
"please cum, jay." you nodded at him, spitting onto his dick once more before sliding your mouth down on him all the way.
"fuck!" jay moaned out, his body going rigid as he came in your mouth. the feeling of his warm cum coating your mouth only made you moan around his still hard cock- adding more vibrations and sensations to his orgasm.
you pulled off of him, your hand slowly stroking his cock as you showed him his cum in your mouth. "god." jay breathed out, watching you swallow his cum with a smile on your face. "i've actually ruined you, angel." you smile up at him, pulling his boxer and jeans over his cock again, letting him button up his jeans as you climbed back into the passenger seat.
"let's go to your house." you nod at him, putting your seatbelt on.
"my house?" jay asks, you nod in response, laughing at his silly expresssion. "fuck."
jay thinks he's never sped home so fast in his life. with the radio blasting and you giggling beside him as you tease him about his moaning- it felt like a dream.
jay's parents weren't home when he pulled into his long driveway- they were having a date night before james had to go back to work in another city for a few weeks.
you and jay ran up his pretty porch steps, kissing at the same time while laughing. you kept kissing his neck as he was trying to unlock his front door, trying to not bust the door down so he could bring you to his room.
his bedroom was the same as always as he closed his door and pushed you up against it. his lips going to your neck like usual, trying so hard to not leave hickeys to mark you as his. his hands were sliding down your body, pulling on your jean's loops to pull you closer to his hips. your hands were trailing down his back, grabbing onto his black, band shirt that he loved so much.
you pushed him away from you, backing him up until he got to his bed, laying down and propping himself up on his elbows to look at you. you pulled your shirt off, leaving you in your jeans and bra.
"you're gonna be the death of me." jay mumbled as you crawled on top of him, your cores grinding into each other. there was so much built up lust between you that you were both too scared to act on. you were so inexperienceed that you didn't know if jay would like it or not. and jay didn't want to rush you into things too fast.
jay flipped you over so that your head was up on his pillow- a position that you've been in before. you felt jay unbuttoning your jeans, pulling them down your legs until you were only in your underwear and bra. the sudden thought of being bare in front of jay for the first time sent an unwanted feeling of anxiety down your spin.
park jay was known to have sex with mulitple girls before. you had wondered before about how many girls exactly that he's been with. so many girls that were more experienced than you- who were probably a lot sexier than you too.
jay felt you tense under his body, pulling away from kissing your collarbones to look at you. "are you okay?" he asked, concern filling him as he looked at your upset face.
"y-yeah, i'm fine." you replied meakly. jay pulled away from you at the sound of your voice.
"y/n, we don't have to do anything that you don't want t-"
"i want to! i really want to!" you cut him off, sitting up on your elbows to look at him. "it's just, you know. i've never done this before and i know you have- and i don't care that you have before!- i just want to be good for you."
jay pulled your lips to his at the end of your rambling, in a soft manner- just like the first time he kissed you. "i don't care if you've never done it- or even if you've done it a million times," you roll your eyes at him, "and you shouldn't care about how many times i've had sex, angel, all those other girls have never been my girl before."
you blush as jay calls you 'his girl'. you take jay's head in your hands, kissing him as a 'thank you' for helping your insecurities. he pulled away from you to take off his own shirt. your eyes and hands immediately roaming over his skin as it was the first time that you had seen him shirtless. his skin was breathtaking. it was so smooth, pale and soft. little freckles and scars visible for your eyes only.
he slid off his jeans and boxers, throwing them to the side of his bed, landing somewhere on the floor before he laid down on top of you again. kissing obnoxiously down your skin, sliding your panties off. you heard him take a sharp inhale as your core came visible to his eyes, having to hold yourself back from closing your legs.
you sat up again, your hands going behind your back to unclip your bra, letting the straps fall to your sides before throwing it to the side with jay's clothing. your breasts were visible to jay now, hearing him groan out before his hand reaches forward and starts to play with your nipple, making your back arch into his touch.
"i need you, jay." you tell him, the wetness between your legs becoming too much.
"fuck, okay, lay back." jay kissed your forehead, his hands trailing down your sides once you were under him once again. "you're sure you're okay with this?"
"yes jay, please." you begged, unsure of what you begged for exactly- all your mind could think of was jay.
jay leaned over to his bedside table, grabbing a condom and sliding it down his dick. he put his cock over your wet slit, your juices flowing all over your core and making a mess. you felt his cock slip inbetween your folds, circling yoru clit before beginning to push into you.
"i'll go slow, angel." jay whispered out to you, one of his hands tracing shape into yoru thigh while the other guided his cock in slowly, just like he said.
you closed your eyes as you prepared yoruself to feel uncomfortable for the next few moments. he kept his gaze on your face, looking for any signs of pain until he was balls deep inside of you. your tight walls were already clenched tight around him he really didn't think that he could last this time.
"are you okay?" jay whispered to you, bending over your body careful to not push into your further.
"it- it feels weird." you replied, opening your eyes for the first time to look at him.
"i'm sorry, y/n. it'll stop in a second." jay kissed your cheek, movingone of his hand down between your bodies so that he could rub small circles over your clit.
he groaned quietly when he felt your walls clench even tighter. you stayed in that position for a minute, pleasure slowly taking over as he played with your clit. you told him that he could move after a moment, allowing for him to hold himself up over you with his elbows, his breath fanned your face as he pulled his cock out of you until just his tip was in- before pushing back into you.
the feeling of having jay inside of you felt unusual, something that you had never experienced before, but it felt so right. you wrapped your legs tight around his waist as he continued to push his hard cock in adn out of you.
the sound of his skin hitting your wet core was breaking the eerie silence that had taken over the park house. your little whimpers of pleasure was taking jay to a whole other world as he tried to not fuck too hard into you.
both of you could feel the sweat start to build up in between you two, the passion and lust adding to the aura of the room.
"g-god jay, feels so good." you cried out to him, your hips starting to push back into his thrusts.
"yeah?" jay's voice let out a deep grunt- a deepness that you've never heard in his voice before. you nodded, your eyes closing in pleasure this time. "you really letting me ruin you, angel? no one else is going to be able to feel you as tight as i am, fuckin' strechin' your pussy so good, right?" jay almost let out a laugh at the way you clamped down on his cock.
"jay, oh god!" you cried out again, you swore you could feel his cock in your stomach he was fucking into you so deep.
"fuck, y/n, i might cum, baby." jay groaned out, kissing your neck to try to keep himself quiet.
"please, cum jay, i wanna feel you cum." you begged him, your hands pulling on his hair to hold onto him tighter.
his orgasm snuck up on him before he could even tell you that he was cumming. a dark groan escaped his lips as he started to fuck into you harder and faster- your tight, wet walls letting him. his hand snuck down and started rubbing yoru clit and an inhumane rate, making your hips jerk up to meet his.
"fuck!" jay groaned out, feeling your walls spasm with your own orgasm. you felt his cum fill his condom as you hit your high. both of you moaning into each others ears at the feeling of the insane amount of pleasure. you let out whimpers of his name as you came down from your high, his fingers coming to a stop on your clit as he pulled out of you slowly.
jay pulled off his condom and threw it into the garbage bin beside his bed. your heavy breaths filled his bedroom as he layed down beside you, pulling his duvet (the one that he likes!) over the both of your sweaty bodies. you moved over to rest your head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heart beat slow down.
"are you okay?" jay asked you, his fingers stroking your hair away from your face.
"'m perfect." you mumbled into his warm skin, feeling tired from the 'exercise' you just did. "thank you."
jay scoffed, "you don't have to thank me, angel. i had fun, as long as you had fun."
"i had fun." you turned your head and smiled up at him. jay kissed your forehead in return, closing his eyes for a moment, taking in his present reality. you felt sleepiness take over both your bodies until your phone started ringing from the pile of clothes you and jay made on the side of his bed.
you groaned, and reached over him to search on the floor for your phone, the duvet falling off your hips leaving your bare ass for jay to see. out of something like instinct, jay smacked your ass playfully, making you look back at him with a roll of your eyes.
"hello?" you asked into your phone, sitting back beside jay, pulling the duvet over your bare body.
"y/n!" seeun said over the phone, "do you want to hang out and watch movies tonight? i'm near your house so i can stop at the corner store and get snacks before i come!" guilt washed over you at seeun's offer to hang out. usually every other friday you and seeun would hang out at your house and watch a series of movies together- you had completely forgotten that it would be this friday as well.
"oh uh, i'm sorry se, i'm not feeling good so i don't think it's a good idea if we do movie night tonight." you lied through your teeth, your hand coming up to rest on your forehead as you tried to not let it out that you were lying.
"aw! that's too bad! i hope your parents are taking good care of you so you feel better!" seeun pouted through the phone.
"they are! thanks so much, i'll see you monday, right?"
"right! feel better! love you!"
"love you, too! bye!" you sighed and hung up, feeling awful that you had to lie to your best friend.
"what's wrong?" jay asked, his hand rubbing your back for comfort.
"seeun likes to have movie nights on friday nights and i forgot." you replied honestly.
"oh shit, i'm sorry." jay sat up, feeling bad that you had to miss hanging out with your friend because of him.
"no, it's okay, you didn't know!" you reassured him with a smile. "i should get home, though, my parents wanted me home before they get home later."
"okay, angel." jay kissed your temple for the last time of the night, both of you standing up and getting dressed so jay could drive you home.
seeun stood across the street from your house. she could see that your parents weren't home since their car wasn't in the driveway. all the lights in your house were off, including your bedroom light, meaning that you most likely weren't home either.
seeun sighed as she hung up, hurt running through her as she realized you had lied to her. where is she? she thought to herself, throwing her phone in her pocket and picking up the bag of snacks she had bought for her and you to share before walking back to her house alone.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
since you had now become park jay's girlfriend, you had brought up the idea that you finally meet his friends.
jay really wanted you to meet his friends, but god did it make him nervous. he knew what his friends were like; they were assholes, and they liked to do dangerous things- but they didn't mean any harm per se, they just wanted to have fun.
the next weekend after losing your virginity to park jay, he invited you to come to a party so you could meet his small friend group. you were iffy about going to a party-having almost finished your high school career with not going to one. but since you would get to meet his friends- you pushed yourself to go.
jay held your hand tight as you walked into the party together. it was in some big house in the south end of seoul where apparently 'all the cool people partied'. you could hear the music down the sidewalk as you approached the party. there were strobe lights flashing out of the windows and cheers from kids partying inside.
the first thing you noticed when you walked into the party was that you did not belong. there were girls wearing practically nothing- compared to your short black skirt and baby pink crop top. the scent of weed and alcohol immediately filled your senses as you followed jay through the thick crowd of people, his hand never leaving yours in fear of losing you.
jay knew that you were nervous to go- and that you were going because of him and his friends. he knew that he'd have to watch himself tonight so he didn't mess things up between you and his friends. he already had a strict talk with his friends about being on their best behaviour for when they met you.
his friends were excited to meet you, some of them had only seen you from a far before, and they had really wanted to meet the girl that had stopped jay from being a total delinquent with them.
you almost bumped right into jay's back as he stopped suddenly, gently pulling on your hand so you could stand in front of him. there were six boys who all sat on the couch or chairs, four of them had red solo cups in their hands as they all cheered when they saw jay's familiar face.
they all looked familiar to you, having seen them around school or heard gossip about them from seeun.
"guys, this is y/n, y/n this is heeseung, jake, riki, jungwon, sunghoon and sunoo." jay introduced you over the loud music, pointing at each of them from left to right. they all smiled at you, some of them having blood shot eyes from either the alcohol or drugs.
"hi y/n, it's nice to meet you!" one of them spoke up, the one being jungwon who seemed the most sober of them all. you smiled politely at him. "i heard you don't like to drink or anything so you can stay with me and riki all night, we don't do that stuff either." jungwon patted the boy on his right, riki smiling at you, too.
"she can stay all night with me too, guys." jay rolled his eyes at them, sitting down on a chair and grabbing at your hand for you to sit on his lap.
"yeah up until when? until you drink so much you throw up again?" the boy named sunghoon slurred, waving his hand at jay. you kept the smile on your face as you listened to him, trying not to think too much of it.
"he's joking, i haven't done that in a while." jay whispered in your ear.
"it's alright." you reassured him with a smile.
halfway through the night jay had convinced you to get up and dance with him, your bodies meshing in with the other sweaty dancers in the crowd as you all listened to the shitty house music that was making you go partially deaf.
it was fun to have jay grinding and laughing behind you, kissing your neck like he usually does. the rest of his friends had all dispersed around you, dancing on their own or with some girl that they obviously wanted to hook up with. it was interesting to see how they all acted together- some characteristics were just like you had heard within all the gossop- other things weren't even mentionned. they all looked out for each other, making sure that one of them doesn't drink or smoke too much.
"i gotta go piss." jay says in your ear while you were dancing. he felt you nod your head in response, "will you be okay for a second?" he felt you nod again, backing away from you but pointing at jake and jungwon from the across the room that you'd be by yourself for a moment.
jungwon made his way to you, jake trudging along as he was defintely intoxicated from all the shots he had taken earlier in the night. you smiled as the two of them came into your sight, easily dancing with jungwon playfully. jake stayed beside you guys, swaying to the music with a smirk on his face that reminded you of jay's.
you were having fun dancing with jungwon, feeling jake stare at you every now and then when jungwon would twirl you in the middle of the dance floor.
"how the hell did jay get a girl like you?" you heard jake ask from beside you, making jungwon nudge him with a 'wtf' face.
"what do you mean?" you asked confused.
"you're just too pure." jake bit his lip as he scanned your face, "a goody two shoes." you gulped under jake's stare, jungwon having to snap jake's gaze away from you.
you saw a hand come from behind you a shove jake's shoulder a bit, "what're you doing, jakey?" you heard jay's voice say, an obviously annoyed tone evident.
"just asking y/n about what she sees in you." a playful smirk is on jake's face, he quirks his eyebrows up at you.
"bro, fuck off, you've had too much to drink." jay shoves him again, wrapping an arm around your waist.
"i got him jay, i'll take him back to heeseung's, it was nice to meet you y/n!" jungwon wrapped his arm around jake's shoulders, ushering jake away from you guys and towards an exit.
jay took your hand in his, guiding you through the crowd of people again, making his way to the front door with you behind him. when you were finally outside again, you didn't know how much you missed fresh air. the spring air felt crisp in yoru lungs as you walked hand in hand with jay down the sidewalk.
"i'm sorry about him," jay speaks for the first time since you've left the better, "he gets assholey when he's drunk, i didn't realize he was at the point of drinking."
"it's okay, jay." you mumbled, kissing his shoulder through his jacket as you continued to walk back to his house.
"what'd he say to you exactly?"
you hummed as you tried to remember, "something about me being a goody two shoes."
jay scoffed, "i'm sorry about him really, i can't believe he was even looking at you like that, i literally almost punched him."
"looking at me like what?"
jay quirked an eyebrow at you playfully, "you know, the way that i look at you."
"hm," you smirked, "didn't even notice."
"good," jay pulled you into him, "because you're mine, right?"
"just yours." you nodded, kissing his lips quickly.
the minute that you're back in jay's bedroom, the scent of alcohol and weed and sweat still on you, he's pushing you down onto his bed. you could tell from the moment jay saw how close jake got to you, that he was jealous. he tried to play it off while you were walking home, but you could tell with the way he kept you close to his side the entire way that he was a bit angry with his friends' actions.
jay nipped at your neck, making you moan out to him, "no marks, jay." you felt him pout against your skin at your warning.
"why? you said so yourself, you're mine. so why can't everyone else know?"
"my parents jay." you pulled him up and away from your skin. he sighed at the mention of them.
"can't we just tell them?"
"i want to, but we can't, not until we graduate, you know how they are."
jay continued to pout at you until his mischeif eyes returned, "fine, i wont leave marks on your neck."
jay starts to pull off your shirt, exposing your collarbones and the tops of your breasts. his lips attack your skin, sucking and biting until you're moaning under him at the possessive way he's marking your body.
you push him off so that you could unclip your bra, his hands helping slide it off of your tits before he's sucking at your nipples. your back arches into his warm mouth, his hands start to slide off your skirt until he's throiwng it over his shoulder.
"i like that skirt." jay mumbles into your skin, pressing open mouthed kissing down your stomach to your thighs.
"yeah?" you ask breathless.
"yeah, black looks nice on you." he kisses below your belly button, "sexy."
"sexy?" you almost laugh, never in your life have you thought that you would look sexy.
"really sexy," jay came to your face, "why do you think jake couldn't stop staring at you?"
"he wasn't staring, jay." you kissed him passionately, sensing his worry. "if he was, i don't care, i only stare at you."
"i know angel, i know." he kissed your neck again, his finger tracing circles in your bare hips.
"no one else can fuck me like you, jay." you felt him groan at your words, the vibrations tickling your skin.
"is that what you want me to do? do you want me to fuck you, y/n?"
"please jay, i want you to fuck me so hard."
"okay, my angel." his hands grab onto your hips suddenly, flipping you over so your face is pressed against his mattresss. "want me to fuck you like the bad girl we know you are?"
"yes! please!" you cried out, your hands searching for something to grab on to. you feel jay grab your forearms, shoving them together and locking them onto your back.
"leave your hands here." jay grunted out, you feel him stand up off of his bed. you hear shuffling as he undresses himself. "i need to play some music, i don't want my parents to hear." you hum in response to him, watching him turn his speaker on. angel by the weeknd started to fill his room and hopefully quietly down the hall to block out your future noises.
when you feel jay's hard dick press up against your thighs your body jolts with excitement. you felt him presss one last soft kiss in the middle of your spin before he's pushing your upper half down into his mattress so that you ass was in the air for him.
his hands land a loud slap on your ass, making you jolt forward with a moan. "fuckin' love your ass, angel." he slaps your ass again with both hands, "wanted to see it for long, prancing around my room in your skirts, just beggin' for it, yeah?"
"yes, sir." you moan out before you could even stop yourself.
"sir?" you hear jay tease you, "my goody two shoes has a sir kink?" he laughs out, "god you're perfect." jay leans his face down so that his tongue can slide in between your folds, small circles around your clit quickly. you feel his lip piercing's cold metal brush over it ever so slightly before he's pulling away again.
jay reaches over your back, holding onto your locked hands that stayed so obeditently behind your back. "i love the way you taste, so sweet, so good just like you." he mumbles into your skin, shoving his tongue into your hole quickly before he's taking it out again. he hears you whine into his mattress. "what's wrong, baby?" he asks in a mocked, caring tone.
"wanna feel you."
jay slapped your ass with his free hand, "ask nicely like the good girl you are."
"please, i want you tongue sir." you felt him smirk on your spin as he pressed a soft kiss before slapping your ass again.
"good girl." his breath was over your core again, "fuck you're so wet." he used his thumb to spread your folds open, cool air being blown on your bare core.
jay dragged the the flat of his tongue against your slit, collecting all your juices and wetting you with his salivia. you moaned out into the pillow, feeling so incredibly turned on by him that it was almost too much already. the throbbing pain in your ass from his slaps only increased your pleasure more.
you started to grind your hips back into his face, making him laugh against your core. "are you trying to be a little slut?" he asked you, massaging your ass with his free hand, running his fingers over the red marks that were already appearing.
"'m sorr-ry sir, feels so good." you arched your hips to grind against him again.
at full force, jay started to fuck his tongue into your hole, groaning against your core at your taste. he really couldn't get over how good you tasted on his tongue. you really were an angel and he had you all too himself.
within what felt like a minute, jay had to falling apart on his tongue, his grip on your locked hands tighening as you started to shake against his tongue, he spanked your ass as you called out his name, your eyes closing as pleasure took over.
he pressed one final kiss to your wet core before standing up off his bed away from you, your hands falling to your sides from holding them in place for so long. soft whimpers still left your mouth as your high coursed through you. "you good, y/n?" he asked into your air, kissing your temple as your face was still pressed into his mattress.
"yes, sir." you replied obediently, smiling at him through your eye lashes. you heard him dig through his bed side drawer, plopping a condom packet on the bed before digging some more. you heard him mumble to himself before he closed the drawer.
you felt him get on his knees behind you again, pushing your front down again as he slipped the condom on. you could feel your juices mixed with his spit leaking down your legs. jay slid slowly into you, aware that this was only your second time having sex. "fuck, still so tight." he mumbled, sounding like there was something in his mouth. he let you adjust to his size for a moment.
your heavy breath was mixing in with another the weeknd song as you tried to control your clenching core around jay's cock. you heard lighter flicks from behind you suddenly, making yo ulean on your elbow to look at jay, who was lighting a cigarette in his mouth. you quirked an eyebrow up at him as you watched him inhale pushing throwing the lighter somewhere and blowing smoke out of his mouth.
"don't look at me like that." jay shook his head, "i was already at a party tonight with drugs and alcohol, and now i'm fucking you- i need something or else i'm not gonna last." you rolled your eyes at him, plopping your head back down into the mattress as you felt him start to fuck slowly into you.
his cock was already so deep in you that you didn't know how long you were going to last either. the slow r&b song urged jay to start fucking into you faster, gripping onto your waist as he fucked you into his mattress. he'd slow down every few thrusts, getting deep inside of you where he'd circle his hips, reaching everywhere inside of you.
you felt his hand reach underneath you, pinching your nipple before grabbing you by the neck and pulling you up your knees. you rested your head on his shoulder, your body jolting upwards everytime he fucked up into you. his other hand that wasn't holding you up held his cigarette, taking a puff every few seconds.
your hair had become a mess at this point, from the amoutn of times you had shoved your face into the mattress and now it was getting tangled as it hung over your body that rested against jay's.
you kept your eyes closed as you focused on the way jay was fucking you, making you moan out his name and be thankful for the music he had put on. the smell of sweat, jay's cologne and cigarette smoke filled his room as he continously fucked deep inside of you.
the hand that was holding you up, slid down to your clit, rubbing wet circles around it, causing slick sounds to be heard in the room. "fuck, angel, clenching around me so damn tight."
"just for you, sir." you moaned out, turning your head so you could look him in the eyes.
"fuck." he growled out, throwing your body down onto the mattress again, his cock slipping out of you making you whine. he knealt over you, reaching to his bedside table to put the rest of his cigarette out.
his shoved his cock back into you forcefully, making you cry out his name.
"can you touch your clit for me angel? wanna feel you cum around my cock." he asked, grabbing onto your waist again and fucking into you at a fast pace.
"yes, sir." he watched your hand snake under your body and start circling the bud as he fucked deep inside of you to reach your high.
the sight of you trying to get yoruself off while his cock was pleasuring you was almost too much for jay as he rolled his eyes back and swore out loud. your walls were spasming around him in now time, loving the way he was gripping onto you so tight.
he spanked your ass as you came, intensifying your skin as he continued to pound into you, reaching his own orgasm shortly after.
jay collapsed onto you, his cock still sitting in your wet and used walls. your heavy breaths filled the room as both of you tried to calm down from your orgasms.
when he felt his cock soften finally, he pulled out of you slowly, not wanting to overstimulate you more from how sensitive you were. he tied off the condom and threw it into the garbage bin beside his bed.
"i'll get you some water, angel." jay kissed your temple, rubbing your back briefly before throwing on some sweatpants and leaving for the kitchen.
the slow music still played through the speakers as you sat up in jay's bed, reaching over the side to grab something to cover in. jay's black band shirt was over your shoulders in an instant so you could lay back down. there was already a throbbing in yoru core from how hard jay was fucking into you- you knew that you wouldn't be able to move for the rest of the weekend but you didn't regret it at all.
jay came back with a soft smile on his face as he saw you in his shirt, in his bed, with his bite marks on your thights.
"here you go." jay gave you a glass of water and climbed to sit beside you in the bed, wrapping his duvet around you and him. "are you okay?"
you nodded as you set your glass of water down beside his burnt out cigarette, "'m perfect." jay smiled at you, pulling you into a deep kiss.
"you told your parents that you're sleeping at seeun's, right?" you hummed in response to his questions, "good, let's go to sleep, we're going to need it since exams are starting soon."
you groaned as you layed back with him, your head coming to rest on his chest. "don't remind me about exams right now."
"i'm sorry! i'm kinda excited for them."
"you're excited for exams?" you asked him.
"yeah, i've never studied for them before ."
you hummed in realization at his words, "maybe you are getting a halo, jay."
"maybe." you heard jay reply, before the two of you fall asleep to the sounds of each others breaths, both content with your relationship for the moment, unaware of lies.
-- -- -- - -- -- -- -
although jay said he was excited for exams, he didn't really know just how stressful studying for exams could be. it felt like there was an outweighing pressure on him whether he was studying or not.
and even though you were there beside him for majiroty of it, he still felt like he wasn't going anywhere. he hated sitting beside someone as smart as you, bothering you to help him when you needed to study as well.
you constantly told him that you didn't mind helping him (you were his tutor at first) but he just didn't believe you. he felt guilty distracting you from you own work when you're the one who actually has a bright future in front of them.
jay had been trying to be good for you the moment you started to tutor him. cutting out drugs and alcohol so quick for him was proven to be difficult very quick. anytime that he was around his friends, he'd drink or smoke, not telling you what he was up to.
jay knew that he should've told you that he was still getting intoxicated, but he didn't want to disappoint you like he's done to his entire family and peers. he couldn't bear to see a disappointed look on your face because of his actions.
so friday night, when the stress of studying for exams became all too much, he let heeseung pick him up and take him to an-almost-end-of-the-year-party.
and he drank and he smoked and he lost himself in the shitty house music that he swore he hated. everytime the thought of you came into his mind, he took another shot to try to distract himself from how much of a disapointment he was. everyone was right, you were too good for him.
that disapointed look from you came all too quick when he woke up the next day to you shoving his shoulder, waking him up in his bed. it took him a second to realize where he was and what the hell was going on, but once he did oh god was he fucked.
"y/n!" he jumped out of bed, only wearing those grey sweatpants that you liked on him so much. "i-"
"it's whatever, jay," you put your hand up to him, frustrated that he had gone out and got intoxicated behind your back. "i'll talk to you monday when you're not hungover."
"y/n." he grabbed your arm, stopping you from leaving his bedroom, "i'm sorry! i just, exams! i didn't think they'd be so stressful!" you couldn't look at him as he explained himself, feeling lied to was the worse thing you could feel.
"you could've at least told me you were going to a party." you mumbled to him, wondeirng if he had hooked up with any girls last night.
"i know! you're right! i'm a fucking asshole. i'm sorry, i tried to be good for you- i did!"
you sighed as he kept apologizing to you, wondering how many times exactly he's lied to you about being somewhere or being sober.
"y/n, look at me." his voice sounded weak as he said your name again. you forced yourself to look at him, tiredness evident on his face from the night he had. "i am sorry. i like you so much i-."
"do you like me?" you cut him off, "because if you did i don't know why you'd lie to me about this."
"of course i fucking like you! i can't go a second through my day without thinking about you! i have to drink to stop thinking about you and how much of a disapointment i am to you! it's so hard trying to be good i- i'm just not."
your hand grabbed jay's face, making him look you in the eyes, "park jay." you made him listen to you, "you are not a fucking disappointment." jay's eyes widen at your use of langauge, never hearing you swear before in his life, "you don't have to be good for me. no one is exactly good, take me for an example. i understand that you like to drink and smoke and party and whatever! i just hate knowing that you're wasting your life away when you have so much potential! i don't care if you smoke or drink i just want you to be able to have a good future! i didn't mean to make it sound like you had to go behind my back to do those things! so i'm sorry." you confessed to him, feeling guilty yourself for putting pressure on him to feel like he's not good enough for you.
jay sighs at your confession, the weight on his shoulders leaving as he realizes his own stupid mistakes. "it's okay. i'm still sorry that i did those things behind your back." he nodded, moving forward to rest his chin on your shoulder.
you wrap your arms around him, smiling as he almost knocks you over by leaning his entire weight on you, "it's okay. next time, we should just talk about these things, i don't want there to be anymore miscommunication, okay?"
"okay, angel." jay nodded, pulling away so he could smash his lips onto your own, kissing you like it's the first time all over again.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
new fact: walking into school with park jay holding your hand will 100% cause everyone to stop and stare at you.
"what do we do?" you whispered to him, continuing your way to your locker.
"just don't look at them, they're fucking annoying." he grunted at you, hating everyone in the school.
"jay!" you hissed at him.
"sorry! you asked!" he shoved you playfully, pulling you back into him by your hand.
"what the hell?" you heard a familiar voice behind you. both you and jay turn at the sudden declaration.
seeun stood behind you, a disgusted look on her face as she looked at you, jay and your intertwined hands.
"seeun." you said her name, pulling your hand away from jay out of instinct.
"save it, y/n. now i know that this is who's been keeping you so busy." seeun pointed at jay, "so busy that you can't hang out with your best friend."
"seeun i'm sorry! i didn't mean for it to be like this!" you tried to explain, but she turned on her heel and stormed through the crowd of students until she was gone. you turned and looked at jay, an upset expression on your face.
"go after her, i'm fine." jay smiled at you, nodding towards the direction where seeun went. you smiled at him, pulling him in for a kiss that made everyone gasp before you ran down the hall where seeun went.
you pushed into the girls bathroom where you saw her disappear to, her bent over figure leaning over the bathroom sink.
"seeun." your voice makes her head jolt up, a scowl on her face when she sees that it's you. "i'm sorry."
"you're sorry?" seeun says, standing up straight. "you have nothing to be sorry for y/n." she says in a mocked tone, "you're just throwing your life away with some misfit delinquent. go ahead! as if i care!"
"seeun!" you hiss at her, not believing the way she was speaking to you. "it's not like that! he's not like that!"
"he's not a misfit?" seeun laughs in your face, "then what the hell is he? and why is a girl like you dating a guy like park jay?"
god you were getting so sick of that phrase.
"because i'm a misfit too! i don't fit in in this society either! and that's all i ever wanted! i'm fucking happy seeun!"
seeun gasped at your confession before she scoffed, "who even are you?" she asked, shoving past you and exiting the bathroom.
you stood in silence with your jaw dropped open as you walked towards the mirror. you wiped your face from the fallen tears that managed to escape because of your best- ex best friend.
the toilet flushing in one of the stalls behind you made you stand up straight, looking at yoruself in the relection as if anything was fine.
park sieun with her pretty orange hair walked up behind you, washing her hands in the sink beside you.
"you shouldn't listen to her." she spoke to you for the first time in your whole high school career.
"what?" you asked confused, wondering if she even knew who she was talking to. sieun dried her hands before looking at you.
"don't listen to yoon seeun. it's hard for someone to be friends with her. she cares too much about fitting in in this world when that's so hard to do. once she realizes just how much of a 'misfit' someone is, she cuts them out of her life."
"oh." you nod, looking down at your hands, remembering that sieun and seeun use to be friends. "oh."
sieun smiles at your realization, "i'm a misfit too y/n, believe it or not. so don't listen to seeun. and i think it's cool that you're dating jay, whether or not your high school reputations allow it or not, who cares, just have fun."
you smile at her words, feeling a bit better now that you've realized just how much high school stereotypes and cliques can really ruin a person.
"thank you sieun, really."
"it's no problem." she shakes her pretty head, "good luck on your exams." she pats your shoulder and leaves the bathroom as the bell rings.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
within the last few days of high school, yoon seeun had already found a new 'best friend' as she sat with her at yours and seeun's old cafeteria table. it made your stomach feel sick when you walked in and someone sitting in 'your' spot. you really were just so replaceable to seeun.
an arm wrapped around your shoulder as the frown your deepened at the sight, "just come sit with us outside, it'll be fun." jay spoke from behind you, making you smile up at him.
hanging out with jay and the rest of the 'misfits' was something you never thought that you'd do. but fitting in with them was a lot easier than fitting in with the rest of the world.
jake apologized for the last time you had partied with them, feeling guilty for being such an asshole drunk. but you only smiled and hugged him, catching the wink jay threw to you over his shoulder.
you fit in with the rest of the boys so much that it made them even want to study for their exams. so you all made flashcards and makeshift quizzes and studied in heeseung's bedroom until you rotted.
they all groaned when you told them they had more questions to do, but in the end it worked out the best for them.
jay, sunghoon and jake all graduated that year with you, all of them thankful that you had become their tutor. they had joined heeseung at the local state college, grateful that somewhere had accepted them with their last minute grades.
you ended up getting accepted into a university a few hours away from seoul, wanting to still get away from your strict parents.
the boys were sad that they wouldn't see you as much. it put worry on you and jay for how much you'd see eachother by being hours away from each other everyday.
but you made a promise to call and to visit once a month.
and you were perfect with that.
because you and jay need each other.
your relationship can work through the distance as it's worked through the changes you had to make for the better of the both of you.
you were too good and he was too bad- you had to find the balance through each other.
and now park jay hates everyone except for you (and maybe heeseung)
@ taeghi, 2022. do not repost or reuse in anyway.
PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU ENJOY, AS LIKES MAKE IT HARD FOR WORK TO BE SPREAD AND ENJOYED BY OTHERS :)
stay safe everyone :)
I forgot to share here
Fic Trope Friday → The Citrus Scale
[IMAGE ID: An infographic with information about The Citrus Scale.
ORANGE: The equivalent to a G or PG MPAA rating. Little to no romantic or sexual content. Might include dry kisses, handholding, or cuddling. No sexual or anatomical language.
LIME: Equivalent to a PG-13 MPAA rating. Some romantic or sexual content. Might include clothed rubbing, heavy making out, or lightly described PiV/PiA/PiO sex. Little sexual or anatomical language.
LEMON: Equivalent to an R or NC-17 MPAA rating. Explicit romantic and/or sexual content. Can include any level of graphic sexual activity. PiV/PiA/PiO sex expected. Graphic sexual and/or anatomical language.
GRAPEFRUIT: Equivalent to NC-17 MPAA rating. Explicit, kinky sexual content. Necessarily includes graphic sexual activity. May be anatomically incorrect or fantastical. Graphic sexual and/or anatomical language. Graphic kink.
Solus zos Galvus.
The Hating Game [Poe Dameron x Reader]
Everyone knows it; you and Poe Dameron hate each other.
Or do you?
Warnings: explicit sexual content and mature themes.
Word Count - 8k+
This fic is inspired by The Bet by @no-droids
Read it on AO3 here!
Find my masterlist here!
You know that game “chicken”? Yeah, the one where you run across a road or stand in the middle of a target or purposefully try to pull off the hardest X-Wing manoeuvre in a ship that hasn’t had a new coolant compartment fitted since 30 ABY?
That’s what being in the Resistance was like.
But it was made even worse by Poe fucking Dameron.
From day one, there was something about the pilot that had got underneath your skin. Whether it was his incessant need to be the best, his overwhelming narcissism or the fact he still managed to get laid despite all those traits, you didn’t know.
All that you knew was that you hated the guy; with his stupid face; his shiny curls; and his pretty boy perfect teeth.
It was bad enough being locked within a never-ending competition with a fellow pilot, but being locked in it with Dameron meant that everyone on base knew. The rats that scurried around the base at night even knew the fucking wager that yourself and Dameron had somehow found yourselves in. And it was too late to back down now.
It had started out as a method of breaking the hatred between you two, some healthy competition to find a middle ground or something you had in common, when instead it only added fuel to each of your fires—
Essentially, it was a battle of who could piss off who the most. It was childish, it was stupid, but it was impossible for either of you to stop now that it’d begun.
Well, it was a lot easier than betting on who would kill Kylo Ren first.
You’d lost count how many days this had been going on, with each day bringing about a new bet amongst cadets. Needless to say, Dameron was favoured well. You didn’t exactly have haters, but it was clear that Dameron’s overbearing charm and his affinity to sleeping around had worked in his favour.
“Good morning, hot-shot,” he said, sliding up next to you and matching your pace as you strolled to the mess hall. “I trust you slept well?”
No. You hadn’t. He was asking because he knew you hadn’t.
“Despite the rewired clearance droid, stationed outside my dorm, that’d been instructed by a Commander to beep all night; I slept like a baby,” you let out, sending him an overly sweet smile. You upped your pace as he fell back behind you, grin covering the bottom half of his face.
He jogged to catch up. “Just can’t find the parts these days,”
“Can’t find solid roommates either, it seems,”
“No,” Poe let out, widening his eyes. “Blue-Seven bailed?”
“Applied for a room transfer this morning,” you muttered, your jaw clenched. It was all his fucking fault, you both knew it, but you also knew Poe well enough to see that he didn’t give a fuck. This was between you and him, no one else. If people removed themselves from the situation, he didn’t care.
“One is the loneliest number,” he said, awash with some form of fake sadness that was supposed to make you believe he was sorry. It only grated on you more. “You know, we could bunk together?”
You let out an abrupt scoff. “Fuck off, Dameron. I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that I would smother you in your sleep if I got the chance,”
“Oh baby, give me a warning next time you’re gonna make such an offer,” his shit-eating grin was enough to make you scowl. As the two of you entered the mess hall, you forced yourself to look in front of you, too afraid to look elsewhere.
To the right was a corkboard, erected at the start of this little ordeal between you and Dameron. That’s where the bets were, the running bets. Many had been crossed out, having been finished and cashed out.
Beat the other in training. Ignore the other for a day. Swap roles until one of you can’t continue, etcetera and so forth...
The day someone wrote up the challenge of steal the other’s clothes you knew you had to get to it first. No way in hell would Dameron catch you out like that, not in a place as feral as this base. Poe was more than comfortable showing some skin and you were more than happy to oblige if it meant no one saw too much of you.
At the time, stealing his clothes, while he was in the fresher, and forcing him to return to his dorm in nothing but a towel draped around his waist had seemed entertaining—
Until the bastard had instead gone straight to the mess hall, chest glistening, curls drenched, zero fucks given. He sauntered up to your table, one hand keeping the towel up as he leant down with the other. You peered up at him as he stood over you, a few drips of fresher water trickling down his clavicle.
“It seems my clothes have gone missing,” he said, only having eyes for you while the entire room buzzed with playful energy. You refrained from following the lines of his chest down to his abdomen, acting nonchalant as you tapped a mug of caf nervously.
“That’s unfortunate, Commander,” you knew calling him by his rank fucked him off. He hated the formality of it all, especially from you.
The whoops and hollers hadn’t phased the pilot; he’d only come in there to do one thing. Intimidate you, threaten you, remind you that everyone knew he was hot shit, whatever.
He loomed closer towards you, until you were overwhelmed by the sandalwood scent of his soap. It was unavoidable; you had to look at the exposed pilot. He smiled at you.
“Who’d you get to go inside the fresher, huh? Red-Two? Someone who’s not afraid of a little skin?” he questioned. You let out a scoff, amused by his accusation.
“It’s funny that you think I’d get giddy over a naked man,”
“Can’t get giddy over something you’ve never seen before, sweetheart,”
“And how do you know what I’ve seen? You stalking me?” you quipped back and forth pointlessly, yet neither one had the self-control to give up the fight.
“Don’t flatter yourself, baby,” he let out, lowering his voice until it was nothing but vibrations rolling through you. “Though I’d love to know who you’re shacking up with,”
“I tend to lean towards men that don’t hate my guts,” you landed on. Poe let out a long breath, smiling as he plucked his next retort.
“That’s what hate sex is for,” he said it so plainly that it caught you off guard. He leaned ever so slightly closer, so close that he could hear how hard you swallowed. “You should try it sometime,”
You hated to admit it, but the fine line between hatred and horn had started eroding away since that moment. Dameron was so intentional about it. He wanted to get you heated, he wanted to get you mad, as if some part of him got off on seeing how much he worked you up.
Some sadistic part of yourself could understand that, as with every annoyed scowl or blush of embarrassment you caused Dameron actually satisfied you. It made you unnecessarily happy, it fuelled you to keep going, despite the small nagging feeling that this fight was getting old.
This was the third time a bunkmate of yours had requested a transfer.
The third time someone had resented sleeping on the bed below yours just because of the ongoing fight that you and Dameron were in.
Maybe, just maybe, it had run its course—
Until you finally looked at the corkboard, where a new bet idea had been put up by one of the cadets.
“Well, would you look at that,” Dameron announced, just to grab your attention from further inside the hall.
Share a bunk for a week.
No fucking way.
“How does that benefit either of us? That’s just mutually assured tortured,” you said, trying not to show off just how annoyed you were. If you did that, you knew Poe would pounce on the idea immediately just to make you suffer.
“You really think it’s torturous to sleep next to me?” Poe questioned, and you knew you’d already fucked up. He was looking at you with his signature grin, the one that conveyed exactly what he was feeling; playful. Poe fucking Dameron always felt fucking playful.
It was insufferable.
“You say that like it wouldn’t be torturous sleeping next to me in return,” you quip quickly, trying to keep your unbothered expression.
“Oh? You a snorer? A restless sleeper?” he asked like he really couldn’t wait to find out. It was excruciating, and with every word he said that you upright ignored, you knew he was going to win this. It was only a matter of seconds until he “So!” Shit. “Whoever put up this idea, I love you. Get ready, hot-shot,” he turned to you, strolling closer until you were face to face, noses almost touching.
Maker, why did he smell so fucking good all the time?
“You’ve just found a replacement bunkmate,”
Denying Poe Dameron at the best of times was hard, even for you. So, denying Poe Dameron in this moment was instantly impossible. He had the attention of the entire room, hanging onto his every word. You had no choice but to accept the challenge, despite how much you wanted throw in the towel for this one.
A week with Dameron on the mattress below you. A week with quite possibly the worst bunkmate you’d ever had. Maker, when would it end? When would someone actually stick?
Later that night, while Dameron retrieved his belongings from his dorm, you thought back to when you’d first met him. Transferred from another Resistance base, you were the newbie for a while. Maybe things would have been different if Dameron hadn’t given you the tour, chatting away like he ran the entire place and making it obvious that he would flirt with any beautiful woman that came his way.
What made him even more indigestible was when you saw him fly.
Effortless, a true pilot. He knew the controls like the back of his hand, could perform the training circuit in his sleep; every protocol, every movement, every curve and harsh edge of the controls were engrained in his brain.
Poe wasn’t a particularly humble person, choosing a different approach that revolved around always needing to be the fucking centre of attention. That’s what made the two of you different.
You valued the quiet over a roaring celebration after missions. You studied your ship as if it were another being, not like it was something to be controlled. As soon as Dameron saw you fly the circuit, narrowly missing his personal best, his face had dropped.
He was threatened. And that’s when the hatred began for both of you.
To you, he was a self-centred, sex obsessed fiend that would do anything to remind you that you were beneath him.
To him, you were a prudish, self-righteous, goody-two-shoes who didn’t know how to put up a fight to save her life.
You’d been playing this stupid game with him since you’d landed on D’Qar; it’d been well over a year. Maybe you didn’t know how to stop, despite wanting to pack this all in sometimes when your nerves were shot. Maybe some part of you liked this back and forth with the pilot. Maybe.
The static whoosh of the door ascended, and Poe stepped in then, duffle bag over his shoulder and a succulent under his arm. He sauntered in, as if he already owned the place, while you sat at the small regulation desk, going through your data pad for the next week.
You sighed when he dropped his bag to the floor. “Good evening, Commander,” you let out, and Poe’s irritation was immediate.
“I think you secretly like calling me by my rank,” he let out, trying to conceal his mass annoyance.
“No,” you replied instantly, scrolling down on the data pad. “I just know how much you love it,” you swivelled the chair towards him, hitting his eye and giving him a sweet smile. He gave you a lazy knowing look, before squatting to the floor to unpack his belongings.
As much as you knew Poe was in this to piss you off, there was something oddly serene about your dorm an hour later. Poe laid on the bottom bunk, data pad in hand as he followed suit in remembering his itinerary for the next week. You’d never seen him so relaxed, so switched off, wearing sweatpants that draped over his hips and a tank top. His gold chain poked over the neckline.
Though, of course, Poe was a lot more slammed for time. As a Commander, he oversaw hand-to-hand training as well as getting behind the controls of an X-wing three or four times a week. He was also a conduit for cadets to get across changes they wanted. More time between missions, new parts for blasters and ships, new this, new that—
Poe listened to all of them, writing each comment down one by one to pass over to General Organa and the rest of the higher-ups. Sometimes, when you caught him looking calm and collected and understanding, you wondered why you hated his guts so much.
Until he opened his damn mouth again.
“Take a picture, baby. It’ll last longer,” he let out, upon noticing you staring at him from across the room. You kissed your teeth, leaning back in your chair.
“You just had to open your fucking mouth. For a second, I was actually admiring how thoughtful you looked,”
“Oh baby,” Poe put down his data pad, shuffling on the mattress until his bare feet pattered on the floor and his elbows leaned against his thighs. “Catching feelings?”
“In your fucking dreams,” you said harshly, scrolling onto the next page of your past mission analytics.
“Maybe that’s why you agreed to letting me sleep below you,” Poe continued, after finding another one of your buttons to press until it stopped working altogether.
“You were the one that couldn’t wait to be my roomie, asshole,” you quipped back.
“You could have refused,”
“And let you win? Fuck off,” you muttered, getting verbally more annoyed. Having more than a ten second conversation with the pilot made you want a blaster shot through your temple.
Poe sat in silent contemplation for almost a minute. He scuttled his eyes over you, tracing the line of your jaw and down your arms until he made his way back up again, his eyes in a constant squint, as if you were a circuit board he had to rewire.
You could feel his gaze all over you. It made your skin crawl. “Take a picture, baby. It’ll last longer,” you snapped, stealing the words straight from his mouth.
“You really hate me, don’t you?”
His question took you aback. You sucked in a deep breath, putting down your data pad slowly as you pondered why he’d even asked. What did he mean, don’t you? Was this him genuinely questioning your hatred, or was the oddly flirtatious way you quipped with each other confusing his tiny pea brain?
You turned your stare on him, catching his eye and staying there, as if you were frozen. You allowed yourself to analyse his gaze for a few seconds, taking in the way his shoulders slumped ever so slightly and his forehead wrinkles questioned if this was all real.
This game, this hating game—it was real, right? It wasn’t just a joke to mask how either of you felt for one another, right?
“You hate me, Dameron,” you finally said, but the words felt odd falling off your tongue. “Why shouldn’t I hate you in return?”
His reply was to sigh, before getting himself comfortable under the covers of his new bunk. He switched off the small light by the top railing and turned towards the wall, signalling he was done for the night.
When you clattered up the ladder to your own mattress, you found yourself holding your breath and moving slow, aa not to wake up the pilot. You put out your own light and stared at the ceiling, all too aware of Dameron’s presence not a meter below you.
Maker, why had you done this again? Was spending every waking minute thinking about how to get Dameron pissed off not enough, that now you had to think of him before you slept?
Before you closed your eyes, you wondered if he was still awake. And if he was, was he thinking about you?
By the third day under the same dorm room roof, the teasing had fully begun, courtesy of members of Black squadron.
Maybe Poe had been blabbing during perimeter searches, but Black squad literally couldn’t get enough of this little battle between yourself and Dameron. Your own squad, Green, didn’t seem to care much, having been fed up of you ranting about the pilot from six months in. You never really discussed him with your team anymore, and to be honest, it was nice.
It was almost like you weren’t trapped in this game with him when you were up in space, far away from D’Qar below.
“Greenie!” Black-Three hollered from their table, two away from where you sat eating lunch. “Seen Dameron’s dick yet?” she let out, prompting a childish laugh to travel around the room.
“If I do, I’ll be sure to tell you how small it is,” you replied, not really putting much effort into your response. It still garnered laughter and chuckles, but they didn’t affect you anymore.
Maker, you didn’t want to say it, you didn’t even want to think it, but since Dameron had started sleeping below you—the game didn’t feel as fun.
It felt forced. It felt fake. Since seeing the pilot be calm, collected, thoughtful, sleepy, absolutely exhausted after a draining mission, you found less enjoyment in adding more annoyance to his life. It felt like he was feeling the same, as well.
“You mean, you want to see it?” Black-Six chimed in, but you were getting to the end of your tether. There was a difference between you and Dameron playing the game and others getting involved. There was a different between one pilot ruining your day and twenty of his close colleagues also joining in.
You stood abruptly, carrying your tray to the nearest trash can and angrily throwing away the contents. “Getting worked up, Two?” Green-Two, your rank. “Did I hit the nail on the head about how you’re secretly obsessed with Dameron?”
“Maker, give it a fucking rest, Six,” you snapped quickly, turning back to the table and picking up your data pad in a huff. Six only let out a low whistle, as his team oversaw how annoyed you were getting. He stood up then, and you silently cursed the Maker. You really didn’t need this today, not when you hadn’t slept properly since Dameron’s arrival.
It was impossible to sleep when you couldn’t avoid listening to his soft breathing.
He sauntered over, standing before you and peering down at you. The fucker was, like, 6”7. You wondered how he even fit his fucking legs in an X-wing. “Know what I think? What we all think?” you swallowed as he got in your face. “Being jealous really suits you. This game you and Dameron play? It’s the only shit that keeps you relevant enough to be around him. It’s sad, if you really think about it,”
You swallowed down your heart then. You swallowed so hard that you were scared the air would bubble in your stomach and push everything up and out of your oesophagus.
Instead, you forced yourself to breathe. You’d been in this position before, you’d bit down your tiredness and your feelings and retorted to some fucker who thought he was hot shit. You could do it again.
“You know what’s really sad, Six?” you began, not backing away from the obvious way he was trying to intimidate you by peering down at you so. “That you think I’d ever let your convoluted words get to me. I stopped listening after the first word,”
If he were Dameron, you would have added a sweet smile just for effect, but it wasn’t him. The scowl on your face turned into a grimace as you stepped backwards, showing nothing but contempt and disgust for the pilot before you. The grown man before you, who’d took it upon himself to get involved in a game that he knew fuck all about.
Poe was never actually mean to you. It was like... a fake meanness. One reserved only to make you pissed off before he backed the fuck up and let you have a crack at him. It was meanness laced with subtle admiration for the other’s ability to keep fucking going, to not take the other’s bait, to quip back with the best comeback.
This? This was just straight up fuckery. This was Six trying to knock you down when you hadn’t even said two fucking words to the pilot.
You backed away further, turning around until you were strolling towards the exit of the mess hall. Black-Six was seething behind you, huffing and puffing as he thought up a reply, but you were sure he was done.
Until he wasn’t.
“No, Green-Two, I’ll tell you what the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard is—,” he yelled and you stopped, turning back to the pilot with a bigger frown but unbothered eyes. “This bet, where Dameron bunks with your boring ass for a week? There’s a second level to it,”
A second level? What in the Maker is he talking about?
You stayed silent, still not convinced that what he was about to say would actually mean anything to you. “Everyone here is betting on how long it’ll take you to give in and let him fuck you. Which is why it’s so fucking sad seeing you commit to this long-time hatred, when everyone knows that you love the fucking attention. You live for it. You live for this,”
Now that. That stings you. It stings so bad that you don’t really know what to feel.
It was one thing to play this game, but it was another thing to have people betting on your body.
Your nostrils flared as you tried not to succumb to the tears that were welling in your eyes. This was the first time you’d ever felt fucking dumb, the first time you’d ever wanted to run out of a room and lock yourself away.
This wasn’t a game anymore. You didn’t want to fucking play if this was what everyone fucking thought of you. You’d never cared before about what they’d thought; it was just you and Dameron, butting heads and finding something to distract yourselves from the shit storm of the war that surrounded you, but this?
No. This was cruel.
“Black-Six,” Dameron boomed from behind you, forcing you to intake a sharp breath. “Sit the fuck down,”
You turned around slowly, meeting his eye despite not wanting to ever see his pretty boy face again. His gaze hit yours, and you could see the cogs in his brain turning. He regarded you, your glassy eyes, your tense stance and the way you were gripping the data pad so tight that your knuckles were turning white. He swallowed painfully.
“Get the fuck out of my room,”
You left. He didn’t try and make you stay, dropping his head to the floor and balling his fists as you shoved past him and out of the mess hall.
You paced it back to your dorm, taking long striding steps and upping your pace to sprint when the tears finally overflowed from your eyes. Was this all they gave a shit about? A bet to see if Dameron could break down your walls? To see if he could be the one to pop your base cherry? Fucking pathetic.
You knew you were above this behaviour, yet you felt idiotic for stringing the game out for this long. There had been ample opportunity for you to throw in the towel, cut it off, break it all apart, but you’d stayed. You stayed in it despite the annoyance and the fucking attention.
Why had you continued?
This game? It’s the only shit that keeps you relevant enough to be around him.
The realisation hits you like a tonne of bricks, breaking open your skull until all of the thoughts you’d pushed to the back of your brain tumble forward and all you can think is Poe Poe Poe. With his stupid curls and boyish charm and pretty by face that you indulged in every time he got in close to your own—
You threw the data pad onto your bunk as soon as you arrived in your dorm, not noticing the door whooshing down as you took to breathing in and out heavily to calm yourself down. Never had you been so humiliated in your life, let alone in this game with Dameron. You didn’t want to believe that he’d be involved in a bet as damaging as this—you wanted to believe that he didn’t hate you that much.
You slump onto his mattress, not finding the strength to climb up to ladder rungs to your own bed. As soon as you sit, sandalwood encases you. His smell, he always smelled so fucking good. You didn’t even think it was his soap; it was just Poe. And Poe smelled like fresh eucalyptus and sandalwood combined.
Were you fucked up? Fucked up for not realising that you actually didn’t hate the man that you’d been in a hating game with since day one. Were you fucked up for feeling hurt despite knowing that he’d hated you this entire time?
Secretly liking the man who hated your guts was by far the most embarrassing thing of this entire situation.
You heard his boots on the ground outside before the door even whooshed up. Poe ran inside, breathless, brow dotted with sweat, eyes a frenzy of many emotions, before he punched the control panel and the door whooshed down once more.
The room was plunged back into semi darkness, lit only by the half open port shade and the afternoon light. He didn’t lock the door, even though he always did. He didn’t lock the door because he knew you didn’t want to be around him currently.
“Two,” he started, meeting your eye as soon as you found strength to stand. He stepped forward, but you retreated immediately.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” you said strongly, hugging yourself as you backed away. Poe stuck his hands in the air, indicating he wouldn’t do whatever you didn’t want him to.
“I didn’t know, Two. I didn’t fucking know Six had set up that bet. That’s... so fucked up. It’s fucking disgraceful,” he said breathlessly, trying to fit as many words into one sentence as he could in case you cut him off.
You frowned at him, unknowing of what to reply when you could tell he was being truthful. Poe was an asshole, a cocky bastard, but he was never cruel. He wasn’t cruel to his teammates, he knew exactly what it felt like to be fighting this currently losing battle just as much as you did—
He wouldn’t make something like that up. Maker, he wouldn’t.
You clamped your eyes shut, tightening your grip on your arms as you allowed a few tear to crawl down your cheeks, flicking off from beneath your chin until they descended to the ground below. You didn’t even know why you were still crying; the shock of this, the humiliation, or the fact that you were relieved that Poe Dameron wasn’t one of these horrible people.
“Look at me, Two. Please, look at me,” he said desperately, stepping forward in trepidation as you forced your eyes open. You landed yours upon his own, noticing how glassy his were at the same time.
Was he... about to cry?
“I’m so fucking sorry. That’s unforgiveable—it’s, it’s—fucking horrible,” his voice shook as he spoke, so much so that you could see his fingers trembling as he tried to keep himself composed.
“I believe you, Dameron,” you said suddenly, not wanting him to hurt anymore. The game was never about this. “I know this wasn’t you,”
“You scared me,” he said quickly, and you hardly had time to compute his words before he kept talking. “This game—like—what are we even fucking doing anymore?”
You swallowed, loosening your grip on yourself as you felt more comfortable around him by the second. “What do you mean?” Poe stepped forward once.
“The other day I asked you if you really hated me,” he said, and you remembered it well. You remembered the look on his face that really wanted to know the truth. “You didn’t answer,”
“Yes, I did,” you replied quickly, taking a step forward yourself and finding strength once more. “I said... I said—,”
“I know what you said,” Poe continued. “You avoided the question,”
“No, I didn’t—,”
“Do you hate me, Two?” he asked again, more desperate this time. His eyes were wide as they traced your face, looking deep down for the truth that he knew was true. When you didn’t answer, he licked his lips in thought. “Because I’ve never hated you. Not once, not from the beginning or now or ever—,”
“I’m—just, wait—,” you spoke through confused swallows that scratched your throat uncomfortably. Poe took another step forward, until you were as close as you knew was normal. Nose to nose, so close that you could inhale his sandalwood scent and run your fingers through his curls if you had the nerve.
“Do you know why I keep playing this game with you?” his voice dropped to a whisper, and you had no choice but to latch onto his every word. The urge to reach out and grab hold of his fingers was overwhelming. “Because it gives me an excuse to see you every day,”
That’s when you scoffed, overwhelmed by the truth bombs he was spilling that you were sure he was joking now. “Poe—come on—,” you let out, amusement laced within your words as a disguise for how fast your heart was beating.
Poe immediately turned away, beginning to pace the room as he brought his fingers up to run through his hair. He looked pained. “Maker—you. You always think you’re fucking right,” he growled suddenly, his tone hitting some deep point in your stomach that you didn’t even know existed.
He stopped abruptly, pulling his fingers from his hair and leaving it looking wild. “You drive me fucking insane, Two. Have since you stepped off that fucking lander with your confident strides and don’t-give-a-fuck-about-anyone attitude and piloting skills that could definitely leave me in your fucking dust,” you ceased to breathe as he let everything out, each word cascading from his mouth like he’d been waiting so long to spit everything out onto a plate and hand it to you. “But you hated me, resented me, I could tell from the first moment we spoke. The way you frowned and your eyes hit me with that unbothered and uncaring stare—,”
“I don’t—,” you let out, but were mortified to hear how high pitched your voice was, cracking upon the second word. You swallowed. “I don’t hate you,”
You didn’t hate him. He was a pain in your ass, a thorn in your side, but even you couldn’t stomp down the obvious like you had for the pilot. That’s why you continued this fucked up game. That’s why you kept pushing on his buttons.
“And I don’t hate you,” Poe replied, relaxing ever so slightly as he started to calm down from his outburst. He shrugged, letting out an exhausted sigh as his arms smacked back down against his sides. “So, what the fuck are we doing?”
You were at a loss for words. “You—you were the one that kept pushing,” you let out, ignoring how badly you were whining. “Kept one-upping every bet and kept needing to win. You kept going until we got into this fucking mess and now we sleep in the same room—,”
“I made up this bet idea, Two,” he admitted.
The breath hitched in your throat. “What?” you whispered. It sounded threatening.
“Not because I wanted to see if you’d fuck me,” he added, and you knew he wasn’t lying. “I could tell that every roommate transfer was fucking you up,” he said, softer this time. “I thought if I bunked with you for a bit, then—I don’t know—you wouldn’t be as lonely. All your bunkmates left because of me in the first place,”
It all fell into place as he explained. The weird questions, the definite confirmation of him easing on the hating game reins, the absolute mind-fuck of him admitting that he’d never hated you at all.
That he likes you. That you drive him insane. That he only ever wanted to be around you, whether he had to fake hate you or not.
All his bets suddenly added up. His incessant repetition of calling you baby, his impressive flirtatious retorts that you now realised he’d wanted to say to you for real, instead of within some sadistic game.
You breathed heavily for a minute, keeping your eyes glued to the ground as silence descended over your dorm. Poe was still right in front of you, flicking his eyes around your face to gage exactly how you were feeling.
“Say something, baby,”
You sucked in a sharp breath. Poe internally punched himself. “Shit, I’m sorry—I just blurted it out—,”
“I like it,” you said, words wobbling off your tongue clumsily. You swallowed down your nerves and suspended all your inhibitions as you caught his eye. It was surprisingly easy to switch off your anxiety when Poe Dameron was stood before you, pouring his heart onto his sleeve about the past year of interactions you’d both had. “Baby, hot-shot, sweetheart. I like them all,”
“Pretty boy,” he replied, and you couldn’t help but smile at the way he looked at you. “You’re the only person allowed to call me that,”
Your heart soared. It was a feeling you’d never fucking experienced before. Before you could say anything in return, Poe lunged towards you, wrapping you in his arms before you could object. Not that you would’ve.
You allowed him to pull you forward, encasing you in his arms until you caught his hint—he was slowly but surely lifting your feet off the ground, as his hands trailed down to your waist in an attempt to get to you to jump up onto his hips. You jumped up, wrapping your legs around his torso and squeezing him with such force until you felt his pulse radiate throughout your body.
Poe walked forward then, until your back was rested against the wall. He pulled back so you were face to face, chest to chest. You’d never seen him this up close, never felt the muscles beneath his skin.
“Poe,” you breathed out, still not used to his first name despite the few times it had slipped out of your mouth when you were annoyed. Poe smiled radiantly, his chest bobbing up and down faster as he got more worked up about what was happening.
You bit your bottom lip on instinct, and he crumbled. “Fuck,”
He smashed his lips against yours.
Immediately you were engulfed by a warmth you’d never felt. Poe held you so tightly that you had no worry of him letting go, leaving your focus to rest on the sweet taste of his lips and the raging butterflies that were destroying your gut.
He kissed you like he’d been waiting to for over a year; with a fervour and a craving that you hadn’t known possible until you felt it in the pit of your stomach now.
The line between hate and lust had well and truly collapsed in on itself, but you didn’t care. Feeling Poe’s body pressed against yours was the perfect way to end this game that you’d both played for so long.
You pulled away suddenly when you remembered something— “Does this mean we can’t have hate sex?” you breathed out. Poe’s face collapsed into a smile of epic proportions.
“You pulled away just to ask that?” he let out. You tilted your head in response, testing to see how he reacted to something so bratty. “Maker—you still piss me off, but it’s fucking hot,”
When got bored of the wall, he carried you over to his bunk, laying you down on his mattress so he could kneel over you comfortably. He had you exactly where he wanted you, hands roaming your body hungrily and skimming your breasts as you tried not to moan into his mouth.
This want, you realised, had been buried deep within you for a long time. As soon as Poe had mentioned hate sex while half-naked and pissed off, your mind had fantasied wonderful things. The dreams had been intense, and seeing the pilot from thereafter had been almost impossible to perform without slipping something out.
You’d managed though, but with every further annoyance, with every roll of his eyes, with every successful attempt at pissing him off, you felt a satisfaction that immediately had you imagining the pilot’s clothes upon your floor.
Poe pulled away then, breathing heavily as he dropped his hand to fiddle gently with the fabric of your tank top. “Can I?” he asked, and he swallowed quickly with what you knew was nerves. “This isn’t about before, fuck that bet—I just wanted to—,”
“Fuck me?” you finished his sentence in a much less gentle way. His Adam’s apple bobbed in shock, his heart rate accelerated as it pumped blood to other places.
“Saints,” he said lowly, as you raised your hand to press against his chest warmly. You started tracing your fingers over his collarbones. “You drive me fucking crazy,”
“In a good way or a bad way?”
“Both. Definitely both,”
He pulled at your clothes until you lifted your arms above your head and accepted him tugging them off. You undid your pants and slid them off while he pulled off his shirt in one tug, straight over his head. There was something about men pulling off their shirts like that made your stomach drop, but Poe doing it was enough to make you plunge your tongue in his mouth.
Spreading your legs apart, he slotted himself between them until you could feel his cock, throbbing hard beneath his pants. He wanted you, Maker, he’d wanted you since the first insult you’d fired at him. He’d wanted you since the first bet he’d ever suggested.
It tickled when his fingers hooked on the waistband of your panties. You sucked in a sudden breath at the sensation, not having felt anyone but yourself between your legs in well over a year. You tried not to worry that you were out of practice, choosing to focus on the rapid way Poe was breathing and the almost drunk way his eyes were pouring over your bare skin.
Slow, intentionally, he inched himself down your body, planting kisses on the journey until his chin hovered above your pussy. He didn’t bother taking off the panties, too excited by what was in front of him that he simply pulled them to the side and latched his mouth over your aching clit.
He moaned into you as you experienced a full body flush. The urge to push him off immediately was insurmountable, but he’d weighed himself down that you could hardly move your thighs, let alone have the strength to pull him off your pussy.
When he came up for air you could hardly move. Every muscle in your body was tensed to oblivion, praying to feel the sweet release that Poe was inching ever closer to. The way he navigated your bud was like nothing you’d experienced before, his tongue soft and welcoming, drowning you in ecstasy while he couldn’t get enough.
“Fuck,” he let out, laying gentle kisses upon the inside of your thighs as he caught his breath. “You taste... so fucking good,”
You dragged your fingers through his hair, still riding the long wave of pleasure Poe had rattled through you. It wouldn’t be long until you came undone when he got back to it. You let out a single breathy laugh. “How the fuck do you do that?”
Poe raised up once more, peering down at you, chain dangling around his neck. He donned an amused smile. “You like that?”
Yes, Maker, fucking yes.
You could only nod.
“I’ve never seen you speechless, baby,” he dipped down and placed a soft kiss against your lips. You closed your eyes, clutching his curls between your fingers as he roamed your mouth.
“You’ll find I don’t have much to say when I’m not fighting you,” you whispered breathily, shooting a challenging look at the pretty boy pilot before you.
“Pretty baby, you better conserve your energy,” he let out, dropping his mouth to your neck and pecking small bites beneath your jaw.
He tugged off his pants like he’d done it a thousand times before, bringing a hand to his cock before he plunged another longing kiss upon your lips. You didn’t move your eyes off of his when he positioned himself before you entrance, but helped by opening your legs for him willingly.
“You sure?” he asked once more. Your response was a simple nod, but it got across everything you wanted. Him, his cock, to feel him after so long not knowing. You wanted him to feel you, to know what your bodies were capable of doing together.
You were wet enough for it to slide in with no problem, and the sensation ripped a hole through your stomach. His cock found your g-spot in record time, as if he’d been made just for you and you just for him.
He stuttered and started like an X-wing engine, moaning as the veins on his forehead popped out in pleasure. “Ffffucking— baby, my fucking god,”
You mimicked his moans, not knowing how else to get across the immense pleasure you were feeling. It reverberated throughout your entire body, sending shivers of adrenaline through your limbs and making your muscles tense immensely.
He started slow, using his core to pump in and out slowly as the two of you got used to this new sensation, this feeling of being intertwined. It was impossible not to smack him when he went all the way in, so deep that you could feel his cock in your fucking stomach.
You hissed at him, pressing a hand over his heart as you winced through the indescribable feeling. He was hesitant the first time you reacted this way, stopped abruptly and asking if you were okay, only to be met with your lips grappling upon his. You inhaled him just because you could.
Now, he didn’t stop. When you let out that hiss and smacked him half-heartedly, he smiled. He smiled like he was about to make your life hell in the most delicious of ways—
He smashed down once, hard and fast, jolting you awake from mind fog of arousal that you’d been in for the past twenty minutes. Your body curled up immediately, but Poe used that to his advantage, gripping his fingers under your left knee and pushing down until it was bent into your chest.
“Nothing to say?” he asked, and you knew that tone well. That was his hating game tone, the one he’d spoken to you in for the past year, the one that triggered a fight in you like no other before; but now?
You needed him to fuck you. You needed him to fuck you so badly.
“Go and fuckyourself,” you spat, faking as much venom as you could despite feeling nothing but lust for the pilot inside you.
Poe took your bait. “I’m busy,”
Maker, he was rough. When he started, he didn’t stop. He pounded you with a ferocity that you knew he’d been wanting for a while. He’d wanted to see you like this, beneath him, broken, mouth open from the incessant moaning that you simply couldn’t contain.
He hit your g-spot each time, until an unfamiliar sensation hit you right in the gut. You thought you were going to pass out. You tensed your entire body, your toes curling as Poe’s grip stayed unmoving on your knee, keeping you in place.
As if on cue, he let out a devious laugh. “Oh baby, you’re gonna cum. I can feel it,”
You flopped an arm over your face, wanting to cover up as much of yourself as you could while this new feeling ripped through you, but Poe didn’t let you. He grabbed your arm swiftly and pinned it down above your head, exposing your wobbling breasts, the radiant heat from your cheeks, the drunk look in your eyes that was only building every time he thrust deep inside you.
“You want to, don’t you?” he said again, ramming his cock into you once more and relishing in the delirious way you tensed and squirmed.
“Shut—up,” you stuttered out, and Poe dropped down to your lips.
“You want me to stop?” he asked threateningly. “You want me to stop fucking you, baby?”
You had to dig deep to find the strength to say the words. “No— fuck no—,”
You sucked in another breath as Poe picked up the pace, repositioning his entire body to gain more momentum. This was the final stretch before the race was over, you knew it, as the arousal in your stomach began to spread until you were sure it would overflow.
Gripping onto Poe’s thighs, you kept him flush to your pussy. It only served to make him more restless, prompting him to pound you until you were sure his back was going to crack from the force.
“Come for me,” he let out, and his voice alone was enough to tip you over the edge. You stopped breathing before it was all released, before a wave of buzzing energy the size of the oceans of Kamino bombarded through your entire body.
You think your eyes roll back, because all of a sudden you can’t see. But you can feel Poe’s lips on yours, you can hear his moans as he comes undone at the same time as you do, you can feel his chest losing power as his limbs go jelloid and he falls on you, absolutely exhausted.
Catching your breath had never felt so good. Poe’s full bodyweight on yours, with your arms wrapped around his neck and his strong breathing tickling your neck had never felt so needed. This was a different kind of intimacy that you’d never expected to perform with the pilot.
And Maker, you hoped this wasn’t the only time.
It was a good ten minutes before either of you had the strength to sit up, but when you did Poe was on hand to help you with everything. He grabbed the closest item of clothing he could, one of his winter jumpers, and shoved it over your head gently.
His fingers were soft as he helped you dress yourself, helped you clean yourself up, helped you strip the sheets from his bed. All the while, his soft and relaxed breaths tickled your skin and offered you comfort.
When all was done, the two of you slumped down on Poe’s bunk. The pilot spread himself and gestured for you to lay upon his chest. Still tired, you scoffed.
“Is this going to become a thing?” you questioned jokingly.
Poe huffed. “Only if you want it to, baby,”
You leant back into him, so much so that he laid his other hand to lay upon your belly. The two of you relaxed into a comfortable conversation that was so far from what you used to speak like. You spoke about life, you spoke about the actions you’d both just performed, you spoke about the bets.
“No more bets,” Poe proposed. You nodded once, smiling as you leant your head back and looked up at him, upside-down.
“No more bets,” you agreed.
“More sex though?”
You smacked him once.
That meant yes.
hardcover or paperback, romantic story or thriller, fantasy or science fiction, audiobook or ebook, slow burn or crush at first sight, happy ending or open ending, childhood friends to lovers or enemies to lovers, exes to lovers or fake dating, forbidden love or soul mate, au or crossover?
Newt Scamander x Pregnant!Reader
Just a drabble about you being pregnant with Newt.
Ever since Y/N got pregnant, Newt took it very seriously and did everything he could so she wouldn't strain herself. At first she claimed she didn't need any special treatment, but as her stomach got a little bigger, she stopped refusing the help. It was the fourth month and she suffered from severe backaches as she had never been that heavy before. Newt saw that - and tried to help her, but Y/N couldn't sit all day for long.
"I guess we're finished here," she said after they'd fed the Mooncalves. "We just need to take care of the Kelpie..."
"I'll do it. You rest."
Y/N sighed. She wanted to help... But she knew it wouldn't be wise to swim with the Kelpie while pregnant. She had to take care of herself and her unborn child, too.
"Alright," she said reluctantly, then sat down on the pier.
Y/N bit her lip as she watched Newt wipe the sweat from his forhead with his wrist, and then roll up the sleeves of his shirt. He noticed his wife staring at him and raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, nothing. Do your thing." Y/N shrugged, still looking at him. "I'm just... Watching my husband being hot."
Newt immediately became red in the face and looked away from her.
"You're probably the only one who thinks so."
"That is absolutely not true, because if it were, I wouldn't need to stay alert of all those girls fawning over you."
Newt smiled shyly, then took off his shoes and jumped straight into the water - he knew Y/N wouldn't mind getting splashed. Before he swam to the Kelpie, he held himself onto the pier and pulled himself upwards to have his face at the same level as hers.
"But I am... I am fawning only over you," he admitted quietly. "And... And our child," he added, putting his hands on her stomach.
Y/N smiled widely. She felt as though her life couldn't get any better.
"I have never thought I'd be a mother... And here I am, happier than ever."
"Me too," Newt replied, making her heart flutter.
"Ugh, go already or I'm going to tear up." She nudged him with her knee and he laughed shortly, then kissed her gently on the stomach and swam away.
volume 3 ☆ jake sim - the first love trope
"oh shit, sorr- wait you like one ok rock?
"no way, what's your favourite song?!"
pairing : popular boy!jake x shy!reader
summary : you, a quiet girl who is the introvert of all introverts, never thought you would befriend the most popular boy in school by having the same music taste. what songs are you going to show him next?
word count : 23,900 something lol
topics of insomnia, depression, cigarettes, quick mention of death (sorry)
(maybe slight trigger warning bc of the death)
☆read the other volumes?
taglist : @srirachibi @ryu-naa @blank-velvet @[email protected]
@yuakagi @moasworld @rein-deer-stuffs @lix-freckle3 @leeis @turnipsandflowerss @[email protected]
@melaninjhs @sunshine-skz @[email protected]
@violevantae @rpkth @hime98 @fvryang @j4yluvr @heelariously @fireflies997 @rikipediaa @manaswisingh @pshwyfie @rikithebest @as-she-pleases
(sorry if i forgot anyone lol)
you have always hated busan.
you hated the humid weather, the inconsistent transportation system, and god forbid, the noise. but now, over the past few weeks at least, you've started to enjoy the noise during your insomnian nights.
you sit up in your bed for what feels like the one hundredth time tonight, having nothing better to do then look out your window. the bags that have been accumulating for weeks under your brown eyes have started to grow into a shade of dark purple that harshly contrasts with your skin tone.
your house has always been quiet. it started when your father left years ago. it seemed that no matter how many are home, the eerie type of quiet that has been set into the house, lingers. it's always clean and spacious and no one talks unless they need to
you haven't spoken to your siblings in weeks. there had been an underlying anger between you that has been inheriated like the freckles on all your cheekbones. you try to blame yourself sometimes for your falling out, but only your dad runs through your mind at the thought.
your insomnia has been toleratable since it had started through the summer, but now that your junior year is starting in a couple of hours, the insufferableness is settling in. youwish that you could sleep, if it only for a day.
on the other side of busan, jake lies awake in his bed staring at his posters on the ceiling. he regret sleeping all day again because now all he can hear is his brother playing video games and the busan night coming in through his window.
the sim house is usually always loud, even at night. jake's friends would come over, and they'd blast music and drink or just talk about life events. jake's brother would even join them at times, adding to the noise.
jake has hardly left his room all summer. the thoughts are becoming too much so he sleeps to get them to stop. things had been hard since isa had broken up with him. he looked up his symptoms and groaned when the word 'depression' crossed the screen.
jake use to like busan.
it was always busy and roaring of people, but now the noise just adds to it all. he needs quiet. jake feels guilty for sleeping through the summer. but he doesn't have enought energy to do anything else. he wishes he couldn't sleep through a day, just for a day.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
your hair is messy as you stand outside your school, your earbuds tangled as you look up at the building you despised so much.
you're not oblivious, you know that you don't look like you're the world's next top model in your oversized clothing, your hands shoved into the pockets of your unzipped sweater
you suppose everyone has headed to their second period class by now, so you're outside by yourself, the newly fall breeze starting to twirl around the city.
you look out onto the freshly cut grass field. it reminds you of the view from your bedroom window. it looks like your neighbour's clean backyard that he cares so much for. you then start to imagine that you're home. its quiet and you're relaxed. but that false relaxation turns into wondering where your family members are, and if they're thinking of you, at least in the slightless bit
the sudden voice beside you makes you somewhat jump, "what're you doing out here?"
you turn your head to the right and see a black-haired girl. you immiediatly notice how beautiful the girl is. her features suit her face so well and wish that you're own looked as good as hers.
"um," you state, noticing the angry expression on her face, her eyebrwos furrowed, "just, listening to music." you point to your headphones.
the girl nodded uncaringly before pulling out a cigarette and a lighter, lighting it before she puts it to her lips. "it's been the worst day so far, i hate school so much." the black haired girl suddenly rants, mocking the leaning position you were in against the wall. you nod in acknowledgement to her words. "what year are you in?"
"ah, so i'm your senior." the girl pulls her eyebrows up, "i guess i should be a good influence on you and tell you to get to class."
"i feel like i'd learn more out here than i would in a class."
a smile spreads across the girls lips, "i'm park chaerin."
"yo, are you coming or what?" a boys' voice calls out suddenly. there's a boy with black hair pushed back. he's wearing a dark blue hoodie with the number 99 on it- realizing that he must be on the rugby team for your school.
"yeah, i am, can you not give me a second, jay?" chaerin replies, pushing herself off the wall and into his direction, inhaling from her cigarette as she does.
the boys'- jay- eyes you cautiously behind chaerin, analysing if he should say anything more while you're around.
"well i don't have all day to waste like you." jay replies, rolling his eyes.
"ugh." chaerin exhales the smoke, before throwing her cigarette on the pavement and stomping on it. "let's go. bye y/n!" she smiles at you, before walking away with jay.
you could hear jay scolding chaerin for smoking around him before turning the corner, neither of them glancing back at you.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
over the first few weeks of school, you had somehow became close friends with park chaerin.
sure, she was a year older than you, and so much cooler than you, but you seemed to understand each other in a way that no one else has. she was quickly becoming your best (and only) friend.
you had learnt that she also comes from a not-so-great yet not-so-bad family like you. and she liked to cause some trouble. you most definetly weren't a goody two shoes- and you're grades were horrendous but not because you were stupid- but because you could care less about high school.
you learnt that chaerin was 'secretly' hooking up with park jay from the school's rugby team. at first, you had believed chaerin when she told you that it was solely sex, but quickly you learnt that there were feelings growing from her side- feelings that the imfamous park jay probably didn't reciprocate.
"god!" chaerin groaned out, sitting beside you against the concrete wall behind the school- the place where you had first met and had somehow mutally decided that the place would be your meetup spot. "did you see him not even look at me?"
"hm?" you asked, pulling out your earbud to hear the girl.
chaerin put her head against the wall, "stupid jay, i walked right past him and his stupid friends and he didn't even look. i mean i was right infront of him there was no way he didn't see me!"
you sighed, reaching out and patting your friends' knee. "maybe he didn't see you, why don't you ask him later about it?"
"i know what his answer is gonna be, 'what would the guys think if i looked at you?'." chaerin mocked in a deep 'jay' voice. "it's so annoying! he tells me he likes me and then pretends he has no idea who i am when we are in public!"
and chaerin's words are true.
park chaerin's reputation hasn't been the best at your school. she was known for being the 'bad girl'. the girl who parties a lot, and smoked a lot and had a lot of sex- which she says she hasn't but the rest of the school disagrees- and that she really didn't care about what anyone thinks of her.
chaerin thought she could live the rest of her life not caring about other people's opinions.
until she started hooking up with park jay.
park jay was the co captain of the rugby team. he was popular, and smart and athletic and majority of the girls and guys at your school wanted to date him. you could say that he was 'preppy' and comes from a rich family that owns a lot of buildings in your city.
chaerin didn't plan on falling for jay- and he most definetlly didn't plan for that either. it's not that he was necesarily embarrassed by hooking up with park chaerin- but he still didn't want people to know.
"i'm sorry chae, hopefully he will come to his senses." you tried to reassure her.
"no, hopefully i come to my senses and ghost his ass, maybe then he'll recognize me in public."
you smiled at her words, not getting a chance to respond, "he did mention that he told one of his friends about us, his best friend."
"oh really?" you asked, genuinely shocked at park jay.
"yeah, but he made the guy swear not to tell anyone else so i can't tell if it's a step forward or backward for us."
"it's a forward one, chae- now four of us know instead of three."
chaerin scoffed with a smile at your words, "yay, four!" she spoke in her usual sarcastic tone you had become familiar with.
she wrapped her arm around you, both of you looking out to the soccer field where a class of year 9's played a shitty game of soccer. chaerin smoked a cigarette as you listened to music- something the both of you had started doing together as you talked or sat in silence, waiting for the school bell to ring for another period to start.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
you always liked listening to music. your interest had become a need to live over time since you listened to it so much. it broke the silence that had settled over you and your family. you found a comfort in it
you needed music when you were alone, when you were in a classroom full of people that you didn't know, when you were walking in the halls to the classroom full of people that you didn't know.
music could allow you to daydream as well. you got so lost in music that it helped you cope with the harsh reality of your life. you could imagine up anything you wanted with your ears being blasted by your favoiurite- and not so favourite songs.
and maybe that means it's not always such a good thing to do when you are walking around a bunch of other people while you're losing yourself to your day dreams because you crash right into someone and you're phone goes flying onto the hallway floors, ripping your headphones right from your ears.
you were more concerned about the ache in your ears and a possibly shattered phone than the person you had bumped into you, jaw going slack as you watch your phone slide across the hall.
"oh shit." you heard someone cuss, taking a step towards your phone before a person beats you to it. "sorr- wait you like one ok rock?"
you finally glance up at the boy who was now holding your phone, your headphones wrapped around his hand as looked down at your screen. he had shaggy brown hair and a pretty smile as he looked at you.
"no way, what's your favourite song?!" he exclaimed, not caring about the other students glaring at the two of you for standing in the middle of the hallway.
you couldn't focus on this question as you just continued to stare at your phone, wondering why he was still holding onto it so tight. when you didn't answer, he looked down at his hand gripping your phone and headphones.
"oh shit, sorry again." jake almost startled himself, hurridely handing over your phone.
"thanks." you nodded to him, rolling your phone over to see no scratches or cracks on it, noticing that the ambitions album by one ok rock was paused on the screen.
"y/n!" you heaerd chaerin's voice call you from behind you. you turned around and saw her face twisted into frustration. "let's go outside." she put two fingers to her mouth, signifying that she needed a smoke.
"o-okay." you nodded to her, quickly to put your headphones back in your ears, starting to rush to chase after your best friend through the halls to the back. "oh, my favourite's nobody's home!" you called over your shoulder to the boy, who only stared you with a confused smile on your face, watching how fast you ran for your upset friend.
you didn't stay to hear his response, taking his nod as a good enough answer before you made your way to your usual spot outside with chaerin, ready to hear what park jay had done now.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
a day after bumping into the boy who knew one ok rock, realization hit you on how cute he actually was and how much you embarrassed yourself by literally bumping into him and then making him pick up your things for you. you didn't even say sorry to him!
you tried to remember if you had ever seen the boy around before, but your mind drew blank. his casual sweats and distressed plaid shirt didn't seem to be a fashion sense that you recognized around your school- nor did the pretty smile and brown hair.
you especially didn't think anyone would be interested in what music you listen to or what your favourite song was.
it had you up at night for even longer than usual. at least your insominiac brain had something nice to think about for once- a boy to imagine late at night as you listened to music and stared outside your window.
since that day, you had tried to find the boy in the hallways, just a glance of him and maybe see who he hangs around with. but you never did. the brown shaggy hair was nowhere in your vision and it made you slowly forget about him after a week.
you think you had almost forgotten about him when chaerin sat down beside you abruptly against the concrete wall. today, cheerleading practice was occuring on the field in front of you.
"jay said something weird last night" chaerin shrugged, plopping her bag down beside her as she dug through it.
"about what?" you asked her, taking out one of your earphones.
"yeah," chaerin pulled out a lighter from her bag, turning to look at you, "his friend said he said you with me and asked jay about you."
"what?" you asked again, sitting up straight, curious as to why you were ever a topic of discussion to anyone.
chaerin lit her cigarette, "yeah, jay said he didn't know anything about you though, he said his friend seemed annoyed at it."
"who's his friend?"
"that sim jake guy, he's on the rugby team, too."
"yeah, you haven't heard of him?"
you shook your head no, confused as to why a boy on the rugby team, would want to know about you.
your high school took sports very seriously. so as soon as you were accepted onto one of the sports teams, you would almost instantly be popular and accepted into a great university with a great scholarship.
"why would this sim jake guy want to know about me?"
chaerin shrugged, "beats me. he said something about bumping into you in the hallway."
bumping into you in the hallway.
"holy shit." you cursed, shock ripping through you when you realized who this sim jake guy must've been. "the one ok rock guy."
"i did bump into this cute guy like two weeks ago, he liked this same band as me, i didn't realize he was on the rugby team!"
"you think he's cute?" chaerin's jaw dropped.
"wait- not like-."
"oh my god! you think sim jake is cute?" chaerin squealed loudly, her voice bouncing off of the school's walls.
"shhh!" you shoved her, "be quiet! i saw him one time for maybe 30 seconds you cannot be going around saying i think he's cute or something!"
"okay okay." chaerin giggled at your embarrassed expression, "and hey, i don't care who you fool around with, or who you date, but if things with jake do ever happen, just be careful because his and his ex had a messy break up- shits still not resolved and it's been like five months."
"who's his ex?"
"lee chaeyoung." chaerin nodded towards the cheerleaders on the field, "isa. she's in my year."
across the field lee chaeyoung, who went by her preferred name as 'isa' stood a top three girls who all held her up in the air, her navy blue cheerleading uniform contrasting against her pretty, pale skin.
you knew isa was the most popular and prettiest girl in your school, it was hard not to notice her in the halls. it was as if everyone in the hall would stop and watch her walk past them, her beauty too controllng to look away from her.
"i didn't know she had a boyfriend."
you heard chaerin scoff at your words. "y/n, i'm sorry but but you don't know much about anyone at this school."
you tilted your head in consideration to her words, "that is true."
you and chaerin laugh as you continue to watch the cheerleaders practice their routines, the comfortable silence taking over until chaerin speaks again.
"do you want to come over to my house after school, there's not much to do but we could go swimming, my parents said it's the last weekend to use the pool before they close it for the year."
"sure." you agreed before the silence settled in between you again before fourth period's bell rang out.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
now, the two of you are in chaerin's room. you're walking around, looking at chaerin's belongings on the shelves. chaerin's talking about some drama at school again, and you nod along, not really listening. you look at the pictures chaerin has on her walls of her family. over the weeks, you have heard a lot about chaerin's family, you know that they don't always get along, but you can't help but wish she had a family this. at least they talk to each other.
"do you want to go swimming now?" chaerin asks from her bed.
"yeah, why not."
chaerin smiles at your answer and stands up to rummage through her dresser drawers before pulling out two bathing suits. she hands you a black bikini with a smile, "go change in the bathroom."
chaerin's black bikini was definitly chaerin's bikini as you looked at yourself in the mirror. chaerin was a lot more confident in her body than you were in yours. it showed majoirty of your body and curves in a way that you weren't use to. you force yourself to pick up you dad's old smashing pumpkins t-shirt that you basically live in and slip it on your body before meeting chaerin in the hallway.
chaerin's little brother, cheol, asks to go swimming with you guys, smiling once you agree that he can come. you help him apply some sunscreen. cheol already likes you, and it's partly because he can tell how much his sistr does. cheol has always looked up to chaerin, and it worries the family. everyone in their family looks at cheol like he is the innocent one of them all, like he is the one that won't be a screw up like the rest of them.
chaerin anad cheol ease themselves into the pool while you still contemplate whether you should go swimming with your shirt on or off.
"come on, y/n!" cheol shouts from the middle of the pool.
"okay okay, i'm coming," you climb the ladder and stand on the edge of the pool, looking down at your pretty friend and her brother, wondering how you became so lucky to become friends with a girl like chaerin.
"what. are. you doing?" a sudden deep voice says from diagonally behind you, startling you so you fall straight into the pool: head first.
when you come up from the water with a scowl on your face for who was the culprit that scared you, the frown dropped immidiately when you saw park jay and sim jake standing by the gate that leads to chaerin's backyard.
"we're swimming, what does it look like we're doing?" chaerin said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
you turned away from the two boys, pushing your now soaked hair away from your face and trying to smooth it over you head. you wiped the cheap, shitty mascara you were wearing away that had most likely leaked underneath your eyes from the water.
"i can see that. why are you swimming in september, you're gonna be sick and then i'll have to deal with that, too." jay spoke out in frustration.
you heard chaerin scoff in annoyance, "god, you are so condescending, we are just having fun."
"whatever, can we talk inside for a second?" you heard water in the pool start to swish around as chaerin started walking towards the ladder so she responded to jay's question.
the two of them walked inside, a towel drapped around chaerin's body as jay kept glancing at jake to make sure he wasn't lookng at chaerin's bikini outfit.
cheol bursted out laughing beside you, smacking the water, "did you see the way you fell into the pool!" cheol said through his laughter, "head first!"
a smile spread across your face at his statement, glad that someone found your embarrassing moment funny. "hey, you better watch it! i'll throw you into the pool head first next!" you splashed water at the younger boy.
cheol laughed and splashed water back, drenching you again. "who are you?" his voice spoke out. you opened your eyes from wiping the fallen mascara again and turning to see that he was looking at jake who stood by the side of a pool with his pretty smile on his face.
"i'm jake, what's you're name?"
"i'm cheol," he said proudly, "and this is y/n, my sister's friend." jake turned and looked at you at your mini introduction.
"i know who she is," jake smiled and nodded at you, "and i like wherever you are."
"jake! come inside for a second!" jay's voice called out from the now opened back door.
jake nodded at you and cheol before smiling and walking to where jay had just disappeared to.
it took you a second to figure out what he had meant- but then you realized it was a one ok rock song. it was a song from your favourite album of theirs- and a song that really meant a lot to you.
cheol splashing water at you again, turns your mind away from the thoughts of sim jake liking the same music as you, and into water fight as you continue to splash the younger boy with both of you muffly giggling.
jake and jay end up staying longer than jay had planned. jay realized that chaerin had no food prepared to feed you guys, making him suddenly want to cook for you all. he avoided jake's teasing eyes as he started to look around for some ingrediants- and he most definitely avoided the love sick eyes chaerin was giving him- he wouldn't dare lose himself into them when jake was standing right there.
jake now stands in the ktichen, watching you and cheol in the window. jay had left to go to the convience store to pick up some final ingredients. chaerin went up to her room to change into something more comfortable than her wet bikini. with it being the late afternoon, the sun's setting behind the houses, leaving the sky smeared with dark blues, purples, yellows and pinks. jake watches you on the edge of the pool and he can't help but think that even with the sky being so many gorgeous colours, you are a million times more beautiful.
jay finishes the dinner quickly and hands a bowl of it to everyone. you help cut the pieces for cheol, as jay and chaerin talk or argue about something amongst each other.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
you are chaerin's house again this week, along with her brother, jay and jake. you've become comfortable enough to just walk in. you get along with everyone, although you've never spoken to jake since he told you his favourite song.
it was somehow agreed between you four (five if you include cheol but chaerin said he has no say in anything) that you'd all just sleepover at chaerin's house tonight. you weren't sure how to feel about it, never having a sleepover in your life. you can't even sleep at your own house so you don't know how you'd be able to sleep in someone else's.
the night went fast as everyone seemed tired from the long week at school. chaerin and jay settled into her bed, leaving jake in guest room and you insisted on sleeping on the couch, you didn't want to wake up anyone with your constant twists and turns and humming.
jake for once, struggles to fall asleep that night. he thinks he slept too much the day before- falling asleep right at 4pm when he got home from school and then fully waking up at 6am today. he lays awake in the guest bad, looking around the room, scanning the walls that he's never been in before. he's had a few sleepless nights before, turns out that tonight will probably be one of them.
soon, jake has had enough of trying to get the sleep he probably doesn't need much of at this point, and quietly hops out of bed and down the hall. he hears cheol's soft snores come from his bedroom as he walks by- and it makes him resent him in a way. he wished he could sleep like a little boy again.
in the living room, you're lying awake in your makeshift bed on the couch. you don't know if the reason you can't sleep is that you're uncomfortable sleeping in someone else's house or that you couldn't stop thinking about how big of a problem your trust issues are.
at this point, you just couldn't sleep- there was too much stuff on your mind. you got up to get you rbag, careful to not cause a loud noise that would wake up the people upstairs. you reach in a grab a cigarette that chaerin had given you a few weeks ago. you opened the off white back door and walked out onto the small porch.
jake walked down the stairs and noticed the backdoor open, glancing over at the couch and seeing that you were gone. he walked towards the door to close it, figuring that you had just left and acdidently left the door open.
jake saw you outside, sitting on one of the old wooden chairs as you looked out into the backyard. he watched you for a minute, trying to figure out why you were out there at this time of night. he creaked open the door, before stepping out onto the creaky plywood of the porch.
you jerked around, surprised that someone else was up at this time as well. you and jake looked at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then you chuckled and patted the chair beside you for him to sit. jake closed the door behind and sat down, copying how you were sitting.
"what're you doing up this late?" you asked, concern laced thorugh your voice.
"couldn't sleep. what about you?"
"i couldn't sleep either."
you stuck your hand in the pocket of your hoodie and took out the cigarette and lighter. you stuck the cigarette in your mouth and lit it.
"you smoke?" carl asked, he knew chaerin smoked but he didn't take you for the smoking kind.
"yeah," you shrugged, "it helps me relax." you exhaled and offered the cigarette to jake, which he refuses.
you liked that someone was up with you at this time of night. busan always had someone up athis hour, no matter what, but it was nice to be up with someone beside you. the night was as calm as busan could get. the occasionally trian would go by, a car would drive down the street and sometimes a laugh would echo around the neighbourhood.
jake liked that you were the one awake with him. every once in a while he would take a little peek at you and notice something different. your cheekbones, the single freckles scattered around and how everytime you inhaled from the cigarette you closed your eyes, really taking in the moment. the smoke swirled around them and the smell of your shampoo from your hair made jake wish that this moment wouldn't end, but he's starting to feel tired again somehow.
"i heard you're on the rugby team." you said, breaking the comfortable silence between you tow.
"yeah, and a few other sports teams."
"do you like it?"
"yeah, i guess. i liked it more when i was younger i think."
the two of you went back to being silent again, both thinking of different things. jake thought about how his parents forced him into sports when he was younger and how he wished he had started playing an instrument instead. you thought about what your dad and mom are doing right now as you sit awake with sim jake.
"do you ever want to leave busan?" it was jake now breaking the silence.
"yeah, all the time."
"do you have anywhere you want to go?"
"madrid, in spain." you said, throwing your finished cigarette down onto the grass. "do you want to go anywhere?"
"anywhere in california with a beach."
"why with a beach?"
jake shrugged, setting his head on the chair behind him, "you know, hot beach chicks."
you scoffed at his response with a smile, "you think hot beach chicks would be into you?"
"well," jake thought for a moment, he had never been on a beach before so he doesn't know if he fits the requirements as a 'beach boy', "i'm sure one of them will be."
you nodded and laughed at him, "they said opposites do attract." you reached into your pocket again, untangling your headphones.
jake has thought about opposites attracting before- he's never been able to tell if its true when it comes to people. jake's tried to imagine his 'dream girl' before, but it's always been someone that was similar to him- never such a different person. he thinks that maybe you're the closest thing to his dream girl- but he has no idea how trully different you two are.
you're tired and wish you could sleep- and jake is tired and wishes he couldn't.
but still, you both sit outside on the porch, sharing a headphone as you both listen to one ok rock, your minds drifting to different topics once again.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
over the next few weeks, chaerin and jay started becoming closer to each other. you didn't mind jay, but you didn't think that it was that great of him to keep chaerin a secret from everyone except for you and jake. the two of them were always around eachother and when they weren't because jay had practice, chaerin would not stop talking about him.
jake and you started talking in passing in the halls, or at chaerin's house when chaerin and jay would go up to her bedroom together. overtime, it felt like jake was becoming your only friend.
jake has been going to your house almost everyday now. jake liked your house. it was quiet and he felt addicted to it. your brothers don't come home until late at night, and your mother is always working. your family could also not stand te silence tha thad crept its way into their house.
the two of them were up in her room like usual. you were looking at your window on your bed, your elbows propper up on the sill. jake walked around you room, picking up some things he'd find and ask questions about htem, only getting small answers from her.
slow music played from your record player. jake and you have found out that you share almost all of the same music taste.
"did you sleep last night?" you had opened up to kake about your insomnia, so when he asked you this question you weren't surprised.
"kind of, more than usual."
you like nights like these. the sun setting, leaving behind the neighbourhood for the night, and jake somewhere in your room with you. you like to think during times like this. you wonder what it would be like if you hadn't met chaerin- you probably wouldn't have jake then either. you try to remember what it feels like to get an actual nine hours of sleep. times like these are only toleratable because of jake. you broke the silence that you've been learning to like.
"come on, i need to smoke."
the two have gone to sitting by the window and sharing a ciagarette for weeks now. it realx's them, almost enough for them to feel okay. the bags under their eyes have begunt o fade since they started hanging out.
they've begun to rely on each other and it scared the both of them. they feel as if they're the only ones who understand each other.
now, the smell of your perfume and smoke surrounds them as they stare out into busan.
"what do you want to be when you're older?" you asks, blwoing smoke out the window. over the weeks, they've taken turns asking questions like this, similar the ones they asked when they first sat outside on chaerin's porch.
"a singer, maybe an actor." his reponse shocked you, thinking he'd say some kind of athelete or couch. you liked the thought of seeing jake on your tv, another way that he could comfort her.
"what do you wanna be?"
"i don't know, i like psychology a lot."
"that would be fun, maybe then you could tell me what the fuck's wrong with me."
you chuckle and nudge jake, "aw, ya know nothing's wrong with you."
"i guess." jake shrugs, and watches you inhale the cigareette. he does notice that he's been happier, but only when he's with you. when you're gone, all he wants to do is lay in bed and sleep. or think of her.
"i miss dreaming." you confess suddenly, having twenty minute quick naps doesn't allow you to really dream up anything.
"i don't. that's all i ever do- my mind doesn't stop with them its like overflowing."
they go back to silence as jake stares at you again, taking in all your pretty features.
"what?" you smile once you notice him.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake wakes up at 7pm, succesfully sleeping through the weekend again. he expects the morning light to be seeping through his curtains, but realizes that it's too late for that. his thoughts turn to you, wishing that you were there with him. telling him that it's okay. nothing's wrong with you your voice is in his head.
he's gotten use to waking up in your bed and seeing you awake by the widnow. you'd be smoking probably, your earring's getting glimpses of the moonlight. maybe you'd be humming or painting your nails. but now, he's alone in his bed. the guilt beginning to wash into him again. he closes his eyes and listens to his family rummaging around the house.
"are you asleep?" his brother, jaesung's, voice invades jake's quiet room. the light from the hallway lightts up the room slightly. jake's eyes open but don't look at his brother. too guilty for not spending time with him again.
"are you okay?' jaesung's quesiton almost makes jake scoff. do i seem okay?
"yeah. 'm fine."
jaesung knows that his brother is lying. he's been worrying about him for months. the whole family has been. it hurts him. jaesung and jake have always been close. they would play video games together and watch movies. jaesung feels as if he's lost a best friend.
the older brother protectiveness is basically seeping off of him as he continues to watch jake lie in bed. it reminds him of his mother when they were younger.
"how's jay? or sunghoon? i haven't seen them around recently?" jaesung asks, but gets no response from jake. "or how's that girl? y/n?"
the almsot silent horase hanswer from jake uneases jaesung as he tries to think of how to talk to this stranger he once knew.
jake use to party every weekend with his friends. he loved going out, and brightening up any room he walked into. he liked being popular at school, and having people cheer for him in the stands at any of his games. but now, jake feels like he'd rather stay in bed than do any of those things. sports have become a chore to him.
"do you want y/n to come over? i'm sure dad won't care."
and now you and jake have seemed to switch places. he's sat up on his bed, tugging at the string of his blanket, looking out his widnow. and you're wandering around, looking at his trophies and medals on his shelves. it's the first time you've been to his house. his room is what you expected; messy and there's clothing everywhere, papers thrown and the posters that jake's collected over the years are peeling off the walls. jake hasn't been able to clean his room since the summer.
"your dad seems nice." you speak from across the room.
"yeah, i guess."
jake wonders about your parents. he's seen a glimpse of your mom before when he was the way to your house. you don't talk about them often, usually changing the subject. he knows that they hurt you.
maybe thats why you and him bond so well; you both of sleeping problems and problematic parents.
"do you know what you're going to study in college?" you ask him, changing the subject.
"kineseology," jake stated, "it's the only thing i could really go for with all my history in the school's sports teams."
you nod your head at his words, "i'm sure you could do something else, you'll be good at anything."
jake scoffs, "maybe not anything, but there might be something else for me."
you continue to stare around his room, trying to find something else to talk about before you're standing up. "i think i should head back home now." you figured that you shouldn't overstay your welcome at the sim house. it was the first time you had ever been there, and it was already getting late into the night.
"you don't wanna spend the night?" jake asks, turning from his window to look at you, "i sleep at yours all the time it'll be fine."
"i don't know, j." you shrug, "my brother's been home all day, he'll be wondering where i went to this late at night."
jake hums in agreement at your words, "that's okay, maybe next time then."
"yeah, next time." you take a step towards his bedroom door. "have a good sleep, jake." you smile softly at him.
"be careful walking home."
"i will, i'll see you at school."
you close his door behind you, and as you go, you can feel a ripping in your heart.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake and you sit outside on their school's field, eating lunch together and day dreaming while listening to music. there's kids eating lunch on the other side of the field- and there are others that are kicking a ball around.
hallwooeen is just around the corner and the weather is resembling the holiday perfectly. it's gloomy, and leaves have fallen to surround you in a daze. although it's lunch, it feels like duck. your jackets are zipped up and you're sitting close to each other.
you pick up your sandwich and your mind starts to wander off again. you think about sleep and how it feels. you wonder if your brothers are okay. you wonder if they think about you. you hate thinking about them like this because you know they aren't. they've never been the closest siblings, especially not now with your parents basically abandonning you. being the youngest in your family, you feel like the rutt of them.
you would like to have a family like jake's; wealthy, loving and they don't avoid each other like the plague. you know about his dad and his brother, but you've never erally heard about his mom. you wonder what it must've been like to be held by a dad that actually loves you.
you watch jake out of the corner of your eye. the way he slowly eats, too caught up in his book to read fast. you wonder if he'll do his homework for once or go instantly to sleep when they get to your house after school. you wonder if he sleeps better at your house or his.
the breeze picks up and ruffles jake's books' pages.
"are you scared of anything, jake?"
he stops and looks up at you, paushing before he answers, "planes, or turbulance. stuff like that."
"uh, i'm not sure. maybe that's how i died in a past life."
"ah, you don't believe in that shit do ya?" you nudge him with a smile.
jake does, if more than anything he does .he thinks about how his mother use to talk about her fear of cars.
"what are you scared of?"
"ghosts." you smile at each other, jake shaking his head at you before returning to his book.
the walk home is spent by you both complaining how it's too early in the year to be so damn cold. your hands are freezing and you want to reach out and grab jake. but something forces her not oo. you know how jake feels about girls getting too close with him. it triggers some memories of him and his ex. you like his warmth though.
the past week, you had been sleeping for a bit, but only when jake's there. it's the warmth from him you conclude. you finally feel not alone. his light breaths and the noises from busan are reminding you that you aren't going to be alone forever. you like knowing that jake will be there when you sleep.
when they step into your house, your brother, soobin, is sat at the table. he's reding a textbook and looks deep in thought. he glances at you two and mumble a quick 'hey' before you guys head upstairs to your bedroom to do your usual routine.
later in the night jake is laying down on your bed. his eyes are closed but he's not asleep. he's listening to you hum along to a song you both like as you lay your down onto your crossed arms on the window sill.
you were thinking about how jake use to date lee isa the cheerleader. you never heard anything about her from him. he's told you about everyone in his life except for his mom and isa.
jake's listening to you hum until you're not, making him open his eyes and look at your slumped over figure. "what're you thinking about?" he knows your habits so well now.
"you." you answer nonchalantly.
jake smiles and closes his eyes again, "yeah? and what about me?"
"you and isa." jake's smile drops at the mention of his ex's name.
"why are you thinking about that?"
he sees you shrug at the window, not looking at him, "you never mention her."
"well why would i mention her? we broke up months ago."
he hears you hum in response from the bottom of the bed where you sat cross legged, "did you love her?"
jake sighs at your question, rubbing his face in annoyance. he hated thinking about chaeyoung. he blames her for triggering his sleep problems. he blames her for him falling out of love with sports. he blames her for why his whole life isn't fair.
he knows that it's not right for him to blame her for everything. but he can't help. blaming someone else is so much easier than blaming yourself.
"are you tired?" he asks you, avoiding the question you had asked.
"i'm always tired." you mumble into your arm, your eyes closed.
jake tsks, "i meant aren't are you tired enough to try to sleep."
you pause and think for a moment, "i could maybe sleep."
"come lay down then." you hear jake ruffle the blanket behind you, flipping it over so you crawl in your blanket beside him.
your heartbeats quicken as you go under. the scent of jake completely taking over you even though you're in your bedroom. your back was facing him, trying to not get too close to him. you knew this was a bad idea, but when his arm reached around you to pull you close, tighetning his grasp on you, you just couldn't get yourself to push him away.
jake's thumb found a way to slowly rub circles on your stomach was showing due to jake's hoodie. being pushe dup your body from laying down. you that knew you should be stopping him, but you felt the clamest you have felt in years.
jake instantly fell asleep, having the best sleeps he has had in a long time. you tried to sleep, but even thought youw ere comfortable, you couldn't stop thinking about isa. you remmebered a month ago when chaerin told you her and jake had a really messy breakup. the way jake chagned the subject from her and being in love didn't sit right with you.
you felt like you knew mostly everything about sim jake, but you felt like he was holding something big back from you. you felt like you were holding things back from jake yourself.
you finally closed your eyes adn fell asleep in jake's embrace, hoping that when you woke up, everything would still be okay between you two.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
the next day when you both woke up, it was okay between you two. you got ready for school, and wlked to school together. you did't see your brother on the wy out, figuring that he had already left, possibly didn't even spend the night.
things at least seemed normal between you and jake. at lunch, chaerin came and sat with you outside. you hadn't see the black haired girl for a week, having been too caught up with her boyfriend. you figured that jake would make his way out and sit with the both of you, but he never came.
you thought that maybe he figured you wanted some alone time with your best friend. but, chaerin didn't really feel like a best friend anymore. all the times you had hung out at her house, and skipped classes together felt like nothing to you.
"jay said he wants me to meet his friends, finally." chaerin said, grabbing the cigarette from your hand and putting it in her mouth. "and god, when did you become such a smoker?"
you shurgged, "when is he going to get you to meet them."
"he didn't say." you rolled your eyes at her obliviousness that jay was definitly not planning on introducing them all any time soon. "and why do you keep looking over there, are you waiting for someone?"
"what? no, sorry."
chaerin quirked an eyebrow up at you, "how are you and jake anyways?"
"me and jake? we're fine, what do you mean?"
"what you're saying there's nothing between you and jake? i know you guys hang out a lot."
"we're jsut friends, chae." you rested your head against the cemente wall, looking at your friend.
"mhm." chaerin smirked at you, but decided to leave it at that.
jake didn't meet you at your locker at the end of the day like he usually does so you can walk home together. you waited for twwenty minutes before you realized he probably wasn't coming and you should just go home.
your mind began to worry that maybe you had upset jake- or weirded him out in some way last night. it was the first time that you two had shared a bed together and had actually gotten some decent sleep- or at least you had gotten some sleep, maybe jake didn't.
he didn't answer your text when you got home from school, so you figured or more so hoped that he had just fallen asleep and that he would get back to you later.
jake left school early.
he went to tell you that he was leaving at lunch, but he saw that you were sitting with chaerin and didn't want to bother you. plus, he knew that you would want to leave too if you knew he was leaving. and jake just wanted to be alone for a minute.
jake woke up with an anxiety in his chest that morning with you laying peacefully beside him. the scene honestly reminded him of chaeyoung and how many times they had slept together back when jake had an actual normal sleeping routine.
it made jake think of your question the night before 'did you love her?' and it honestly made him feel worse.
the whole reason him and chaeyoung broke up was because jake didn't say those three 'special' words back to chaeyoung. she gave him time to find out if he really lvoed her, but time didn't help those feelings develope. if anything they stayed stagnant even more.
their breakup was messy since everyone in the school knew about the two of them dating. isa was a popular cheerleader and jake was a popular athelete. he thought that chaeyoung and him were really similar, but infact, they had nothing in common at all besides the fact that they were both popular.
chaeyoung lost herself in the highschool popularity like jake use to. it was their breakup that brought jake out of that reality. he wished he could've stayed in it a bit longer-
but then he wouldn't have met you.
sure, he would've maybe seen you around since he knew you and chaerin were friends, but he defintely would have no gone out of his way to talk to you- especially if he was still dating isa.
jake liked hanging out with you. it was different than when he was with chaeyoung.
because while he dating her, he realized that when they were in public he was dating isa, but when they were in private he was dating chaeyoung. and he couldn't keep up with her double life.
with you, it was so much easier. you were yourself so he could be himself. at least he tried to be. at least he could be.
his whole messy breakup that involved the whole cheerleading team to scowl and glare at him everytime one of them saw him, and all of his team members to annoy him by asking 'how could you let the hottest girl in the school dump you?'. it really all had an affect on jake, and he thought that he was working on it- and it was easier to work on it since he was with you all the time.
he's started to rely on you and he's scared. he doesn't want to put his all into someone just for them to walk away- he thinks maybe that's what chaeyoung felt with him. but now he's too tired to think anymore and he just wants to go to bed.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake shakes awake on his own later on. the guilt and anxiety bubbling up too much within him that it wakes him up. he feels hopeless and stupid. why can't he shake this sadness away that has him feeling like he's sinking.
jake looks across his messy bedroom at his old rugby jersey and can't figure out why he's lost so much interest in it. he use to love running around and playing with the ball, now a days, he can't even pick it up.
his first thought is how he wants you. but he knows tha tyou're dealing with your stuff. he thinks to himself that he's just another bother to you- and he can't have himself relying on someone else.
and now jake is hysterically crying. for months, he's been feeling like he's been holding all of this in. it's like he's crying out his whole thought process. he's shaking in his bed and he can't seem to stop.
"jake?" jaesung's voice invades his bedroom again like the week before. "what's wrong?"
he doesn't get an answer as jake continues to cry. he can't even see jaesung because of the tears that are overflowing. it's not like he wants to anyways. he's been hurting his first best friend for months now.
jaesung sits down on the bedbeside his younger brother. a hand resitng on jake's shoulder, rubbing circles and shushing him.
it takes a few mintues for jake to calm down, jaesung staying with him the entire time- to both of them it feels like an eternity.
"move over, let me lie down."
the sim brothers lie on their backs and stare up at the posters on jake's ceiling that you had taped back up properly fo rhim. it's silent between them. jaesung struggles to find words to say. he's never seen anyone like this besides their mom.
"mom's probably disapointed in me." jaesung thinks outloud, mainly to himself.
"because i've let my brother feel like this for so long." jaesung pauses before continuing, "i've tried to help you, but i just never know how." jake reminded jaesung of their mother so much. theykeep their emotions hidden and never talk about it until it's too late.
jaesung hates it.
he hates that the trait has gone into his brother. a part of him wishes that he was the one to inherit it instead.
"i never know how, either."
it's silent betwen them again, until jake starts quietly crying again.
"i miss mom, jae."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
soobin is sitting at the kitchen table when you come downstairs in the morning for school. he's already dressed for work and it makes you scared to go downstairs- as if you were to you'd guys would fight like usual.
"hey soob," you say as you make your way across the kitchen to get your school bag. it's the first time in a while that you actually get a chance to look at your older brother. soobin and you are only three years apart, which is closer in age than your oldest brother.
when you were younger, soobin and you use to look both exactly like your mother. you all had the same eyes and lips, and dark, straight hair. your oldest brother looks identical to your father- and you wonder if he even sees your dad when he looks in the mirror.
"are you going to school today?" soobin asked with a surprised tone, he knows how much you skip it.
"yeah, i am."
"going to all of your classes?"
"yeah, i am." you roll your eyes at him with a smirk.
the conversation with your older brother resembles how they use to be before your dad left. it was like you were still close brother and sister instead of strangers that are somehow realted. you wonder if this would be the last time you'd see soobin for a while, him disappearing for a month is not uncommon.
"have a good day at school then, y/n." soobin stares at you, unsure of what to say to you as you stare back at him with your hand on the front door's knob.
you smile at him, "i won't." you wish you could stay at home with your brother for a little longer, but school is waiting, and chaerin said she had something important to tell you. "see you." the siblings nod their heads at eachother, and it already feels like they've gone back to being strangers.
at school, you ssat through your lunch confused as to why you hadn't seen even a glimpse of jake. chaerin sat with you at lunch where you only gave here vague answers to her new rant of problems she's been having with jay that you're sure you've heard before.
you walked past the rugby team in the hall and didn't see that brown shaggy head of hair that you had analysed so many times in your bedroom late at night.
you didn't even see park jay in the herd of athletes. the rest of them didn't like too familiar to you, but you've seen a couple of them in pictures on jake's shelves or in his phone that he showed you. the captain of the rugby team, lee heeseung, was the only one that noticed you scanning them as you walked by, earning a curious look from him before you walked away.
you saw chaerin at her locker farther down the hall, decieding to ask her if jay was at school today.
chaerin scoffed at your question, rolling her eyes and turning back to rummage through her locker for something.
"what?" you asked her, confused at her response.
"if you actually listen to me when i speak then you'd know he wasn't here." chaerin stated, "and why do you suddenly care about my boyfriend?"
"because i'm wondering where jake is i-."
"oh of course," chaerin slams her locker door shut, "jake this, jake that, whatever! i know that you guys bonded over... whatever sleeping problems you have going on, but you didn't have to ditch me for your boyfriend or whatever. i didn't ditch you, at least i try to tell you things but you're always caught up with jake."
"he's- he's not my boyfriend, chae."
chaerin scoffs at your response, shaking her head and looking away from you. "that's really all you got from what i just said?"
"no! i heard the rest! and i'm sorr-!"
"just leave it, y/n, i'll see you around maybe." chaerin turns on her heel and heads to class, leaving you standing alone in the hallway as the bell rings for last period to commence.
you really struggled through your last period, walking in late earning a warning from your teacher, stares from your classmates and worries about jake and chaerin on your mind throughout it.
as soon as the final bell rang, you went straight to jake's house. you've only been to his house once before, but you've walked him home a few times so you knew exactly where to go. you wondered why jake hadn't answered your text all day when everything seemed fine the day before.
walking up to the house, you see a boy that you had learnt the name of through jake, park sunghoon, leaving jake's house. he looked tired and his hair that jake described as 'always had to be perfect' was messy. he sauntered down the porch steps and started walking down the street away from you, not paying attention to the halloween decorations that people were starting to put out for the year.
you waited a minute, kicking the fallen leaves on the sidewalk before walking any closer to jake's house, contemplating whether or not you should really be doing this. but nonetheless, you walk up to the white front door of the sim house and knock.
an equally tired looking park jay opens the door. he looks much different than how he usually protrays himself in the hallways at school and on the sports field. you almost laugh at the thought that this is what jake and you must look like to other people with his messy hair and dark circles under his eyes.
jay looks confused to see you standing there but still greets you, "hey, y/n."
"hi, why weren't you at school today?" you looked up at the rugby player.
"no reason, just didn't want to go." jay hated lying, and he hated people who lied. but he realized that he had been lying a lot recently, not just to other people, but to himself as well.
"is jake here?" you could hear jay's breath hitch as you asked the question he knew was coming.
"um, i don't think you should see him right now. he's sleeping and was in a bad mood earlier." the silence between them was awkward and uncomfortable. you moved nervously on your feet, as if it was the first time you had ever spoken to jay all over again. still, you nodded your head, acknowldging what jay had said.
jay looked over your visibly tense body. he scanned you from head to toe, watching your finger start to tap against your upper thigh. over the years, jay had come knowledgable to when someone tapped their finger against their thigh repeatedly: they needed a smoke. it was a common habit in the house he'd grown up in, "come on, let's go to the backyard."
jay sat cross-legged, picking and playing with the leaves and grass on the ground. you lied beside him, blowing smoke rings. it was now a somewhat comfortable silence between the two, different from how it was minutes before. you watched the mid-afternoon clouds roll against the sky in a somehwat slow manner, your smoke mixing in.
"did something happen last night with jake?" you broke the silence.
"i mean, he probably doesn't want me saying anything." you sat up as jay confessed.
"he doesn't want to see me?"
"not today, no. he's tired."
you sighed, "he's always tired."
you were sick of the game that jay was playing. you knew something happened and you wanted to know what. your first thought was that you had said something, or maybe sleeping in the same bed had triggered something in jake. if jake didn't want to be your friend anymore, he could've said it himself. you're used to peopole leaving.
so, you left jay playing in the grass and leaves and walked home. you held back the tears that were threatening to fall.
sim jake was now just some other person that left you behind. but still, jake's sweet laugh echoes through your mind.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
it has been twelve days since you had last seen jake. you haven't been going to school. you don't see the point in it. the only reason why you went to school before is now gone. you don't think you could go anyways. you haven't slept for more than an hour in five days. thes school has called your house to inform your mom about your absence, but it's no use because she isn't home. you've gotten use to the quietness again and you wish you hadn't.
you try to not think about jake, but you can't help imagining him lying beside you in your bed laughing. his shaggy hair shaking with his movement and his warmth surrounding you. sometimes, you think you can really hear him calling your name, but you realize that it is just because you're sleep deprived.
today is halloween, and you knew what you would be.
you'd be alone, like you have been for the past weeks.
you spend you days quietly in your quiet house. you listen to the chaos of busan from your window. most days, you smoke your cigarettes and read the old poetry you found in your mother's drawers.
other days, you're in the bath, listening to the water run around you. you like to imagine then that you're starting fresh of everything. that when you get out, everything will be okay. but th eonly thing that will make all this okay, is if jake would be there.
when you find yourself in your kitchen, you sit up on the island looking out the window into the backyards of the neighbourhood. you sit there for a while sometimes, and lose track of time so easily. you feel like you sit therre for give minutes, but really it's been an hour. everything moves by so quickly. you use to like being alone in the quiet, but now it's just so lonely.
tonight, the sky darkened quickly and kids in halloween costumes swarmed the streets. you kept the front porch light off, not wanting any kids to come knocking on the door. you sat on the couch,watching true romance. with the house being so still, you welcomed the company of the tv. the movie was at the part where clarence had fought alabama's pimp. his face being showed as bloody and his knuckles sore. you couldn't help but think of jake, knowing how hurt he got when his rugby team broke out into fights with the opposite teams.
when the movie ends two hours later, you fall asleep on the couch. the way you've been falling asleep recently is a lot different than how you used to. you're called up in a ball, a frown on your face. when you're actually asleep, you dream of carl for a moment.
it's always the dame dream: he's alone in his room, on his bed with an unlit cigareete in his hand. tears have been streaming down his face for hours, frustrated with himself fo rnot being able to be who he used to be- that happy jake that everyone loved. then, you walk into his room. his face lights up automatically and pats a spot beside him, motioning for you to sit with him. you curl yourself into jake's side, his arm over your shoulder. he lets the cigareete drop from his hand and onto his messy floor.
and then he falls asleep happily. you like that thought: the thought of how you're the only person-the only thing, that can get jake to sleep with a smile on his face.
you feel wetness on your face suddenly.
your eyes open, and you realize it's raining and dark outside. it feels like you had been asleep for days, but inr eality it had only been two hours. a sensation of coldness runs through your body,making you shiver.
a feeling of warmth being placed on your forearm makes you turn your head to side.
"are you okay?" you stare at him, not believing that after two week, he's standing in front of you. "come on, let's go inside." he wraps his whole body around you, trying to keep you warm from the rainy halloween night.
you lay in your bed, blankets upon blankets cover you. your head is titled so you can look out the window,f acing away from jake. he sits on a chair that he has brought up from downstairs.
he watches you, your eyes glow from the streetlight through the window. the bags under your eyes have never looked worse and he wonders how much you've slept in the past weeks.
it's been quiet for a long time between you two. jake notices that it's the smae kind of quiet that's been shed thorgh his house. his dad and jaesung are home more, but they barely talk anymore.
jay and sunghoon have been around a few times. heeseung even came with them once. jake can tell that something is wrong with them all- its like they're keeping a secret and he's the only one that's not in on it. he was still grateful that his friends came and cheked up on him, but still all he could think about what how happier he'd be if he was with you.
"how did i end up outside? how did you find me?" you finally speak, breaking the silence.
"you were standing at the corner, just staring. i saw you on my way back from the convience store."
for the past week and a half, jake has been going to the small store late at night. he wanders the aisles, trying to find something to distract himself from thinking about you. he thinks it worked at first, picking up random choclate bars and wondering where they had been before, but then he remembered he had seen you at his exact convience store before.
it was the summer before, jay and him were there, picking out drinks that they could bring to the party with them when the door's bell chimed, signifying that someone had come inside the store. jay was bent down, skimming over the pop flavours and reading them out to jake while he glanced over his shoulder at the door.
jake saw you start wandering the aisle by the cash register, smiling at the man behind the counter. jake remembers thinking how cute your messy hair was as it wrapped around your headphones. he thought you were cute with your shaky hands reaching out to place a single chocolate bar on the counter and paying.
jay distracted him then, handing him multiple bottles of soda for him to hold. he turns around just in time to see you leave the store, your messy hair turning the corner towards his house.
jake wondered then that maybe if he hadn't met chaeyoung that night at the party, maybe he would've thought about you again, went back to that convence store and see you, ask you about what song you were listening to. maybe then he wouldn't feel as shitty as he does now.
jay told him that you haven't been going to school either, which worried him. he wanted you to get good grades and to graduate. he wanted you to go to college and study psychology. he wanted you to be successful and get out of busan unlike him, who would be stuck here forever.
jake's been in your room a relenteless amount of times before, but now, it's sitting in this chair as if it's his first time over again. your damp hair is sprawled out around your head on your pillow, your old, wet clothes are hung up in the bathroom and you're wearing one of jake's old shirts that he had left over on accident a few weeks ago.
"i missed you, y/n."
jake smiles, the same pretty smile that you've gotten used to. it makes your chest hurt at the thought of how much you've missed it.
jake nods, "i thought about you a lot, and i'm sorry we had to stop talking for a bit."
it's silent in the room again until you throw open your blanket on one side, patting the spot next to you. "it's okay."
jake slids into bed next to you, covering his body up and now laying so your arms were brushing against each other.
jake closes his eyes, and you imagine that he's thinking about what it would be like if they had never stopped talking. how close would they be now? how many more inside jokes and songs would they have known?
"i'm really sorry though, i am. i just-." jake pauses, making you turn your head to you're looking at eachother. "i had some shit to deal with, and i didn't want to bring you into it."
your faces are close to each other as each of you scan the other's face. you've been close to each other like htis before, but this time is feels different. it feels like you're being sucked into each other, like you're slowing being pieced together forever. you bite your lip before asking, "are you okay now?"
"yeah, i am, but i-."
"then, it's okay. and let's sleep, because i'm tired and i feel like i can actually sleep tonight."
"because you're here."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake and you decide to skip school when you wake up the next day. the rain from last night has stopped, and left everything dampened and feeble. it almost feels odd to be around each other again, like you're forbidden to be together but there's nothing actually forbidding it.
jake falls into your routine almost instantly; sitting around your house in silence, but not alone anymore. you're smoking as he reads beside you, music from your mothers record player is filling the lack of conversation.
you want to ask jake what had happened exactly that made him turn away from you. you wanted to ask if it would ever happen again and should you prepare for it. you had so many questions to ask but you kept quiet. if he wanted to tell you then he would. he's said he's sorry and you aren't sure if you're just naive to believe it or not. but you do, and you're so glad that he's back beside you.
you glance over at the book that jake had found in the old bookshelf you have in your house. your dad used to read to you all when you were younger, he's the only one that ever kept up with the collection of books on those shelves. now, they go untouched- the first person to even look at the thing in years was jake.
he's picked up romeo and juliet, you can see the star-crossed lovers on the faded cover. the pages are yellow from the oxidation over the years- and it makes you think when did your dad buy the book.
"why're you reading that?"
jake puts his thumb on the part of the page he was on and looks at you. "i don't know, it's good." you make a disgusted expression on your face, making him laugh. "have you ever read it?"
"no, but i know what it's about."
"okay well, i'll read it to you and then you can see what it's really about."
you shrug before bending over to the table and putting your cigarette out in the emty coffee mug. you move so that you're laying down with your head in jake's lap, romeo and juliet is just above your head as jake opens the book and begins to read where he left off at.
..."my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep. the more i give to thee, the more i have, for both are infinite."...
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
walking into school for the first time in three weeks was nerve wracking. not many people at your school knew of your existence, but the stares you were receiving were making your hands shake in your sweaters' pockets. they were most likely staring because sim jake had returned too and was walking next to you, but still, their eyes never left yours.
you couldn't tell if jake was as nervous as you. you figured that jake was use to being in the spotlight. he was used to having everyone's attention on him as soon as he walked into a room. but that was before he got depressed- before the dark twisted thoughts started seeping into his mind and made him confused on who he really was.
you feel jake's hand slip into your pocket, latching onto your hand and lacing his fingers with yours. you figured he had felt your anxious behaviour beside him, it was something you had noticed he picked up easily ever since you became friends.
there was a split of students in the hallway, everyone moving out of the way when they saw someone coming from behind them.
isa stood in the middle of the hallway infront of you and jake. her high ponytail swung down and over her shoulder as she kept an unamused expression on her face. her arms were crossed over her chest, covering the school's logo on her cheerleading uniform. her eyes scanned you and jake, leading down to where jake's hand disappeared into your pocket.
jake ripped his hand away from you, seeing the way isa's eyes turned darker at the phsycial contact between you two. your heart clenched at the action, but you knew it was probably for the best of your and jake's lives at the moment.
"hi, jakey." isa spoke with a fake smileon her red lips. jake answered with a quiet greeting back, trying to avoid her eyes. "so, who's this?" isa looked at you, "and why are you holding her hand?"
"we're friends." jake's statement is short but to the point and for some reason it makes your chest feel empty. like there's a dreading feeling growing there and you aren't sure when it started.
isa's face contorts into a disgusted expression as she looks at you again. this time you can tell she's judging everything about you as her eyes look you up and down, resting longer on your hair before looking back to jake. "i thought you had a better taste in friends but i guess i was wrong."
you tried to hold back your laugh at her words, looking down at your shoes biting your lip. she was so bold, so opionated that she obviously didn't think more about her words before she speaks.
"why is that funny?" isa speaks to you, stepping forward so she was right in front of you. you look up at her and can only shrug. "do you agree? are you self aware that you look like shit?" the rest of the cheerleaders laugh behind her. "do you know what concealer is? god those bags."
"chaeyoung." jake spoke out with frustration.
"what?" she looks away from you, "god you need some concealer too." she shakes her head and steps back from you both, "what the fuck do you guys do together to look so awful?"
"do you have to be a piece of shit?" you all turn and see chaerin standing beside you now, an annoyed look on her face as she stares isa down.
"oh great, the school's ashtray is here." isa rolls her eyes, the students in the hallway start laughing.
"well," chaerin starts, pulling out a cigareette and putting in her mouth, "at least i'm not the school's slut." the laughing stopped instantly at chaerin's statement.
"me?" isa points to herself in shock, "i'm the slut? what about you? you go around fucking everything in sight!"
"you better shut your fucking mouth, isa." jay cuts in suddenly, walking in front of you all to stand before isa. "just for once, shut up." you could see chaerin go frigid as jay spoke in front of you.
"what the hell are you doing, jay?" isa asks, her arms crossing over her chest again.
"i'm obviously telling you to fuck off."
isa scoffs, "and why's that? it's not like you've even seen jake in months. all he does it run around with those two... things." she nods your head at you and chaerin.
"because he's still my friend," jay turns and looks at jake, making eye coontact with you, "they're both my friends. and she's my girlfriend," he points at chaerin, "so like i said before, shut your fucking mouth about any of them, or better yet, just shut up about everyone and mind your own business!"
the students gasp when chaerin comes beside jay, wrapping theier arm around each others backs.
isa scoffs once again before looking at jake over jay's shoulder, "you're an idiot for losing me, jake, i hope you realize that." she turns on her heel and disappears down the hall, her cheerleader friends following behind her.
the bell rings to start the day of classes, making the students groan and start heading their class. it leaves the four of you in the hallway together. all looking at each other, unsure of what to say.
it's chaerin that breaks the silence first, "i'm sorry, y/n. for our fight a few weeks ago."
"no, it's okay. you were right, i was being a bit selfish when it came to my feelings."
"no, i was being selfish. all i ever did was talk about me, i never even gave you a chance to speak or ask how you are."
"it's okay, chae, don't worry about it."
"we're still friends?" chaerin asks sheepishly, playing with her hair nervously.
"of course, we are!"
chaerin grins at you before wrapping you up into a tight hug. "good! because you're like my only friend besides him!" she points at jay who only rolls his eyes. "and i can't believe you stood up for us! where the hell did that come from?"
"she deserved everything i said," jay explains, "i don't know why she think she's so above everyone." jake stays quiet beside you, both of you watching chaerin kiss jay before they say their goodbyes to you quickly, chaerin pulling jay down the hall as they giggle.
"are you okay?" jake asks you, "i'm sorry for what she said, i should've said something, but-"
"jake, it's okay, i don't care what she said about me." jake nods, kicking the floor gently with his foot. "are you okay?"
"yeah, it's just weird that that was the first time i've spoken to her since we've broken up, i guess she's still mad at me."
"she'll get over it."
jake scoffs, "yeah, and hopefully soon."
"i'll see you after school, right jakey?" you ask, mocking isa's nickname for him.
jake only nudges you before walking away with a genuine smile. you watch him disappear down a hall, before you head outside. you were already late to class, so you might as well just not go,
maybe you'll go to second period.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
it rains for majority of november. everyday jake and you are sharing an umbrella as you walk to and from school together. he holds the umbrella so you can smoke. sometimes you hold the umbrella as jake finds a good song to put on as you share headphones.
it still rains the day that jake has somehow persuaded you to go to a party with him. he has been feeling better recently. he's still quiet at school, but he spends more time with you laughing then he does reading and listening to music in silence. his smile makes you feel better andyou wonder if he's picked up on that habit of yours like he has with your anxious tics.
the sky is a dark navy blue as you walk with jake to the party. the neighbourhood has been quiet for the rest of the afternoon, the night will most likely remain just as quiet for it. you wish you could say the same for you, aware that your night will consist of loud teenagers and the bass of probably shitty music that you nor jake are very fond of.
jake holds your hand until you arrive at the party, pulling his away when you step inside lee heeseung's house. you've noticed that jake doesn't hold your hand in public like he does when you're alone, but you don't bring it up to him, knowing that you probably won't like his answer as to why he does it.
jake says he'll see you in a little bit when you both find chaerin and then he's disappearing into the crowd of people that go to your school but you have no idea who they are.
you and chaerin are sitting on some chairs close to a window at the backdoor. you're imagining that it's just you and chaerin in this house, and you're waiting for jay and jake to return for you both. you ask her about cheol, and if he still wants to join the army when he's older.
the sun officially set an hour ago, so now the backyards are only light up by the street lamps. there are a few kids in the backyard; a couple kissing on the bench swing, two girls taking turns drinking out of a wine bottle and boy smoking by himself in the far back corner. even though the music is loud and every now and then there is a too loud of a scream from someone; it's relaxing.
you let your mind start to wander again. it's the first time in a while that you let yourself think about deep things. it starts with your parents, and then your mystery brothers and then jake.
you've thought about being jealous about jake's life every now and then. you almost always get over the feeling, but it still stays in your head. it's the way he's always been popular, and good looking and how he gets the prettiest girl in your school to fall for him. it's the way that he can sleep while you can only sleep for a few hours if he's the one that holds you. you've heard him talk in his a sleep a few times, the mention of the word 'mom' slips out his mouth the most often, followed by jaesung's.
you're glancing around the party then, easily finding jake being the centre of attention. you watch him, feeling creepy and guilty as you do it. it's like you're watching him from a time in his life that you weren't apart of. like he doesn't know you exsist and he won't want you watching him. it's almost like you're spying on him. he's laughing, throwing his arm over some guy you've never seen before but figuring that the two of them are friends.
you're wondering then what will happen tonight. will jake realize that he misses all the parties he's always gone to? will he realize that he doesn't belong with someone like you? you wonder if he doesn't need you anymore. he has been sleeping regularly and laughing more. you wonder if the change in him after tonight will be like clockwork; inevitable and easy to happen.
"y/n," chaerin taps your shoulder, gaining your attention. the girls blackhair is braided back tonight, letting her pretty facial features be noticeable. "are you okay? you're shaking." chaerin's still been keeping an eye on you for the past month. she's also noticed that jake's been feeling better, but you seem to stay the same. the dark shades of purple under your eyes have dissapeared, but she knows you still aren't up to your best point, yet.
you become aware of your shaking knees and hands, making them stop at once. "yeah, i'm fine." your brush your sweaty hands against the fabric of your jeans. you glance back at jake for a second, seeing that he's already staring at you now. you aren't sure if he caught the worried look on chaerin's face for a second, or your fake smile at her afterwards, but he's noding his head at you for you to go somewhere together.
"i'm gonna go with jake for a second." chaerin nods, leaning back in her chair again and relighting her cigarette. you walk over to the front of the living room where jake stands waiting for you.
"you wanna go outside?"
the early december air is cold on the balcony of lee heeseung's house. you and jake sit side by side on the couch, your hands brushing against each other in a way that you both don't want to be the first one to grab the others' hand. your hair is down and messy again, something that is unpreventable, but in a pretty way. in a way that jake is sure you have no idea about, but he understands it more than anyone else ever will. from a far, they most definetly look like just friends but upclose it's evident that there is something deeper between them in a natural light.
"what's your favourite song? of all time." you have listened to the same music ever since you were born. you grew up listening to your dad's rock bands and your mother's classic 80s records.
"probably scary love by the neighbourhood. or something that would piss my parents off. they don't like my music very much."
"they don't like rock or alternative music?"
jake scoffs, shaking his head, "most definetly not, they were always the good-two-shoes type of kids in highschool and college- rock music was not something they listened too." you nod your head as you listened to him. "what's your favourite song? of all time."
you think, looking up at the starry sky and imagining yourself being able to only listen to one song for the rest of your life. being able to be content with that one single song. music was something that controlled your life, you couldn't do anything without it.
"i don't know, there's so many good songs. so many songs that make me happy."
"yeah, i figured you say something like that." jake laughs, taking a sip from his red solo cup.
'what does that mean?"
"it means that i've been with you almost everyday for three months, if you don't have your headphones in then you're using that old ass record player."
"music sounds better on that old ass record player."
"music sounds better when you're drunk." jake tips his cup up and finishes it, you only smile in return.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
the walk back to jake's house is silent besides your few huffs of struggle from holding jake up. he's too drunk to make any real conversation at the moment. you've both been sleeping pretty well lately considering your old sleeping habits, that you wonder how jake will sleep tonight. you hope that after tonight the way looks at you while be the same one that he has when he watches you smoke out the window while humming.
when they get inside jake's bedroom finally, he plops down immediately on his bed. you see that his room is still undesirably messy, as if he doesn't even notice it anymore.
jake strips off his sweater so that he's in his jeans and t shirt. his hair is just as messy as your own as he flips over onto his back. the moonlight outside is shining in through his window and is the only light in his room.
you watch him the closed door of his bedroom, like the first time she did when she came over. you've never seen jake drunk before, but you've heard stories of it. he always made being drunk sound like something fun- but the memories you have with your drunk dad are the opposite.
"you're beautiful, y/n." he smiles that pretty smile of his at you, but his eyes are more slugged then they usually are.
you only scoff in response as you make your way to his bed, grabbing his duvet so pull it over him.
"do you not believe me?"
"not really, no." you said, tucking in the blanket,
"you are though, so, so beautiful." jake closes his eyes then, and you're staring at him in the moonlight, taking in his cheekbones and heart shaped lips. you want to tell him that he's beautiful, too.
"you're drunk." you stand up away from him. "i'm gonna go home so i'll see you tomorrow if you're not too hung over."
"don't go, y/n." you turn and stare at him, his eyes look worried as your hand rests on the door knob. "just spend the night, you know we sleep better when we're together."
you sigh and thinka bout it, you've never slept over at jake's before. he smiles at you from his pillow when you're standing over his bed again, untucking the blanket you had just tucked. you're slipping in carefully beside him, his cologne engulfing you. jake tucks your hair behind your ear, moving it away from his face so that he could see you.
"thank you." jake whispers out, as if it was some sort of secret that no one else could hear.
you chuckle, "you don't have to thank me."
"yeah i do," jake nustles his face into your shoulder, "you're the reason i'm happy."
you try to think of a response, feeling your heart start to beat faster at the spoken words you had only imagined him saying before. before you can think of anything, you hear his soft breaths in your ear, his body going limp beside you as he starts to sleep peacefully.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake wakes up in the morning with a headache. the night before was the first time that he had drank in months, and he had drank a lot. all he can think about when he wakes up his how thirsty he is, he needs an advil and where are you.
he reaches down on the floor beside his bed to grab his sweater that he had thrown off the night before, getting easily frustrated when he can't find it, forcing himself to sit up and look. he's taken abakc a bit when he sees that his room doesn't even look like his room anymore. it's not necessiraly clean, but the garbage and clothes all over the floor are gone and his desk is tidy of any papers and pens thrown on it. he instantly knows that you did it, no one would.
jake walks downstairs and finds you sitting at the table with jaesung and his dad. they're smiling as they talk to you. it brings jake a sense of something he's never felt before. he can't help but compare them to when they had first met chaeyoung. they weren't as happy to see her, they didn't like the way she acted or spoke or 'bossed' jake around.
the creaking on the floor under jake's feet made them turn and look at him, their smiles growing bigger when they saw him. "hey." they greeted him back, asking him how he slept.
jake stood beside you, you stared up at him, "i'm gonna go now, soobin texted me and he wants me home."
"okay, do you want me to walk with you?"
"no, i'm okay." you head towards the door, saying bye to jaesung and his dad. jake leans on the wall and watches you put your shoes and jacket on, before opening his front door for you.
"thanks for getting me home safe, and cleaning my room." jake smiles softly, almost like he's embarrassed to say thank you now.
"it's no problem." you step out onto his porch, "i'll see you tomorrow, at school?"
"yeah, tomorrow, be safe, y/n."
"i will." you turn and start to go down the stairs of the porch until he calls your name once again. "yeah?"
jake scratches the back of his neck, "i uh, i meant what i said last night." you tilt your head at his words, "the uh, i think you're beautiful and you make me happy, i wasn't just drunk and saying shit out of my ass."
you smile up at him, "okay." you nod, "i'll see you tomorrow, j. have a good sleep tonight."
jake closes the door then, taking a deep breath for no reason in particular. he wonders how will he sleep tonight now that you're physically gone, because he knows you'll be taking up his mind.
your mother is already home when you get home and she is not in a good mood. you can tell how she is as soon as you get in the door; she's sitting at the kitchen table with her hand on her forehead, pushing back her hair. soobin is sitting beside, leant back in the chair and looking like he wishes he could be anywhere but there.
they both look up when you close the front door. your mother looks like how she always does; angry but pretty.
"where have you been?" your mom asks you, "i got home last night and neither of you were here, do you even live here when i'm gone?"
"i was at a friend's house, i slept over." you shrug off your jacket and hang it up, trying to avoid your mother's angry gaze. you glance at soobin who is picking at a loose thread on his sweater. you stand beside the table, looking down at both of them now.
"which friend is this?" your mom turn her nose up at you, "because you smell of men's cologne and cigarettes."
"a boy? you slept over at a boys' house?" you mom exclaims, shock on her face. "were his parents home?"
you hold back a scoff at her questions, choosing to look away at the floor. "y/n, i'm talking to you." you look up at your mom with a bored expression on your face. "are you going to answer?"
"why do you care if his parents were home? it's not even like you're home or even a parent at this point." you see soobin look away with a grin on his face, knowing that your words were true and wished that he could say the same thing.
"i'm not a parent? then who raised you?"
"soobin, yeonjun, dad."
your mother sighs at the mention of your father, but chose to not comment on it, like she can't even say his name for some reason. "has anyone even heard from yeonjun?" when it stays silent your mom only sighs again. "well can you try to contact him, please? because i want him to know i won't be here for christmas."
"you what?" you and soobin exclaim but not moving.
"some coworkers and i need to go to cuba during that week to sort out a few details about a business plan."
"so you're going on vacation on christmas?" soobin deadpans, shaking his head at your mother.
"no, i'm going on a business trip."
"in cuba." you point out.
"for a week." soobin adds on. "why can't you just leave after christmas?"
"because we need to leave on the 22nd." your mother shakes her head before standing up. it remains silent as she gathers her suitcase and jacket. "well this is not how i expected to spend my day off. i wanted to come home to a house full of my kids and spend some quiality time together, but instead, no one's home and we fight! so thanks a lot!" your mother sighs, rubbing her forehead again because she's angry, "i'll see you later in the week, hopefully you'll be home then." she opens the front door, "and please, find yeonjun!"
your mom leaves you and soobin in the silence both of you have gotten use to. soobin avoids the silence at most times, spending nights at his friends' houses, his college or at his girlfriends' house. you're stuck in this house for another year, at least for some of it you'll get to be with jake.
you don't exchange any words with soobin as he starts to get ready to leve the house for the day, not bothering to tell you where he's going because you're already making your way up the stairs to your bedroom, trying to process the idea of spending christmas alone. the only reason your brothers came home for christmas morning was so that your mother was happy- but now she's not coming so it'll just be you alone in this sickly quiet house.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
you're use to spending the first days of winter vacation alone. your house not only is quiet during those days, but it gets extremely cold. you start this year's winter vacation the same way. you drink a cup of coffee, listen to your mom's classic records and take a bath.
you must take a bath during this time of year- it's become almost traditional for you. they make you feel cleaner and ready for the cold busan day.
after your bath, you usually sit on the couch, wait for the day to be over so you can do your whole morning routine over again tomorrow until the day your brothers and mom come home.
this year, it's different. after your traditional bath, you smoke around the house, waiting for jake to come over. it's become traditinonal itself- the way you and jake lounge around your bedroom as if it's a vacation just for you. both of you take short naps together throughout the day, knowing that it will just mess up your sleep schedule by the time school starts up again in two weeks.
today, jake comes over while he's hungover. you smile at him as soon as he comes in, picking up on the way his eyes are squinting from the sunlight reflecting off of the snow outside.
jake's gotten use to the little routine you two have going on. it feels familiar and good. he's likes coming over to you sat on the couch with wet hair, wearing one of his or your dad's shirts.
jake mumbles something to you about wanting to lay in your bed upstairs, away from all the windows down here that bring in all the sunlight that 'kill his head'. you follow him up your stairs, as if he's showing you his house instead and plops down on your bed with a sigh of relief. he moves over so he's against the wall, making room for you.
jake and you lay beside each other, he's telling you about the party he went to last night for park sunghoon's birthday a few days ago. he tells you he didn't plan on drinking that much but sunghoon always convinces him to drink more. you stop responding to him after a while, getting lost in your own thoughts. the thoughts about what jake does when he's really drunk and you're not around.
"what're you thinking about?" jake asks suddenly, putting his hand over yours to stop them from shaking, another habit he's picked up on.
"nothing." you shrug, because it really is nothing, the things you think about you don't even know if they are true or not.
"no, tell me." jake moves over so he's on his side facing you now. "i know when something's bothering you, so just tell me."
"how were all the pretty girls at the party?"
jake scoffs at your question, turning his head to look at the window before looking at you again. "are you being serious?"
"yeah, i am."
jake stares at you for a moment, in disbelief at your question, "none of them were as pretty as you." you could only look up at your ceiling, not having enough courage to look at the boy beside you.
jake thinks ever since he's met you you've been insecure about the way you look. and it's just something he's never understood. he thinks you're the prettiest girl he's ever seen. he wishes he could tell you that more, but everytime he does compliment you you just ignore him or change the subject. he wishes you could see just how pretty you were.
jake reached out and put his hand on your chin, pulling your face so you could look at him, "i mean it. you're the prettiest girl there is and i wish you were at the party with me last night- it would've been more fun with you."
you shake your head, "no, i would've made it more boring by complaing about the music choice."
jake laughs before going back to being serious, "you're pretty." he can tell you're about to shake your head no again so he decides to stop you.
his grip on your chin tightens as he leans over and presses his lips to yours.
it's a quick, soft kiss- a peck- and you barely felt it.
"j, i-." you're about to disagree again when he pulls you into a kiss again. this one longer, you could feel his heart shaped lips against yours as you closed your eyes and relaxed.
"say you're pretty."
you pause for a moment, "i'm pretty." you sigh out, making jake laugh as you shyly smile.
"say it like you mean it."
you pause again before stating, "i'm pretty."
jake hums in approval, "that's a good girl." he leans in for a kiss again, his hand dropping from your face to play iwth the string of your old sweatpants. when he pulls away again you both look down at where his hand is laying against your abdomen. "can i show you how pretty you are?"
you immediately nod, making jake chuckle softly before he untying yoru sweatpants and slippin ghis hands in over your panties. if it wasnt jake beside you, you think you'd be more embarrassed that you're wearing the purple, cotton panties that you've owned for maybe four years. but with jake, its comfortable, and you know he won't think anything different of you as fingers slide over the cotton fabric.
you feel like you and jake had talked about everything except your guys' sexual history. it was a topic that you had thought about asking each other, but never had the courage to do actually ask. "have you ever done something before?" jake asks you, his lips pressing softly into your cheek and down your jaw.
"yeah," you sigh out, trying to surpress the urge to moan at the way his fingers started pressing harder into your clit over your panties. "b-but, it's been- awhile." you feel jake smile into your neck at your confession.
"that's okay, baby, we can go slow." you nod as a response to him.
jake slips his fingers into yoru panties, his fingers meeting your core finally. you're so wet for him, his fingers easily running through your slit. he presses into yoru clit, circling it with his index finger slowly.
"it kills me that you think you aren't pretty." jake confesses now, biting softly on your neck. "i wish you could see how i see you."
"no one-" you surpress a moan again, "no one's ever called me pretty before-you."
jake starts to slip his index finger into your core, feeling your walls clench around it. "it's probably because you intimidate everyone with how pretty you are," you can hear his teasing tone in his voice, "you intimadated me when i first saw you."
he pushes in another finger into your core, his fingers reaching deep inside you, feeling all your walls as he curls them upwards.
you almost snort at his confession, "you thought i was intimidating when i- i, bumped into your and my phone went a-across the floor?" your voice was becomming high pitched when you spoke.
you felt jake shake his head at you, "no, i thought you were pretty when you walked into the convenience store with your messy hair and eye bags." he speaks between each suck and niip at your neck, surely leaving some marks for others to see.
"when- was that?"
"over a year ago." jake shrugs casually as if he isn't knuckles deep inside of you. "i've thought you were pretty for a while y/n, god you even feel pretty, you're so tight around my fingers."
"please," you moaned out, not sure what you were being so polite about as his thumb started rubbing your clit.
you groan and start rocking your hips against his fingers. his fingers start to pump faster in and out of you, creating a pleasant burn up itno yoru stomach.
his thumb continues to rub along your clit, his other hand playing softly with your hair on the pillow. his lips continue to kiss down your neck, his lips circling your collarbones.
"oh god," your hand flies down and holds onto his wrist, your head tips bakfc, your eyes meeting jakes as he looks down at you with a smirk on his face. "i'm gonna cum, jake." his fingers on your clit start to speed up.
"go on, baby, cum all over my fingers, i've been wanting you to for so long." he confesses once again, leaning down and kissing you as your body starts to go rigid from your orgasm hitting. your eyes flutter shut as your grip on his hand tightens.
jake slowly eases his fingers out of you, not wanting to overstimulate you. you watch as his puts his soaked fingers into his mouth, humming at the taste of you. "fuck, just as good as i imagined."
"that's so embarrassing." you whine out, taking his fingers out of his mouth.
"what is?" jake laughs, playing with the string of your sweatpants again.
"i didn't know you saw me at the convience store for the first time." jake laughs into your neck, kissing it once more before pulling away from you.
"well you looked pretty so it doesn't matter." you roll your eyes at him, before rolling over so you can face him.
his hand is still playing with your hair, relaxing you. you feel like you could fall asleep and stay asleep for a while with how content you are in that very moment.
"what are you doing on christmas?" jake asks suddnely, making you sigh out at the mention of the holiday.
"i'll probably be watching re runs of the same shitty christmas movies downstairs."
jake sits up at your words. "what do you mean, no one?"
you roll onto your back again to look up at his shocked expression. you feel embarrassed to explain to him about your mom's actions. jake knows the basic knowledge about your dad, small stuff that you've brought up in passing, but you never speak about your mom. "my mom's going to be in cuba on christmas, i mean, she's in cuba right now and won't be back for a week, so."
"cuba?" jake asks you, "why is she in cuba?"
"a work vacation."
"where are your brothers going to be?"
"they only really come by on christmas to see my mom, so now that she's not coming i most likely won't see them."
"well you're coming to my house on christmas then."
you sit up at his offer, facing him, "jake no, i can't! it's like a family holiday, i can't be there!"
"yes, you can and you will! jae and my dad love you anyway."
you sigh, "i'll think about it."
"great!' jake leans over and kisses you quickly- like it's becoming a habit already and it scares the both of you in the best way possible.
"what..." you start, a quesiton coming to your mind before you're pushing it away.
"what?' jake asks, nudging you, "just say it! we've been through this before, i can obviously tell that there's something you're thinking about."
you pause, trying to think of the proper way to say it before you're turning towards the smiling boy, "what about, your mom? you never mention her, so, i'm just... curious."
jake's smile drops at your question, clearly not expecting the sudden mention of his mother. he lays back down then, his back flat on your bed as his head lands on one of your pillows. you lay down with him, turning on your side to watch him. you're about to apologize for bringing it up, ready to reprimande yourself for not staying out of other peoples' business.
"my mom died," jake pauses to think for second, "three years ago now."
your reach your hand over and grab his. you've seen jake in tired states, sad states and angry states, but never like this. he looks like he's about to burst into tears and never stop. "i'm sorry, j." is all you can say to him.
"it's okay, you didn't know."
"how did she pass?"
"in a car accident, some drunk driver- both of them died."
"god, i'm so sorry jake." jake grabs onto your hand tigher, looking at you with a solemn smile.
"it's okay, really. i'm glad you know now, i like telling you things, even if they are shitty like this."
you two fall into silence again, your room becoming peaceful again. you can hear the winter wind pick up outside, as the late afternoon glow fades from your room. yyou try to think about jake as much as you can before sleep seeps into you, taking over you and jake as your calm breathes mix together and your hands hold you together.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake wakes up beside you with a quick jolt. he hasn't woken up like this in a few weeks now. he can feel his heartbeat start to pick up and his breaths become uneven. he wants to reach out to you and wake you up, tell you that he's panicking, but he doesn't- he can't.
he can't tell you that he's panicking because of you. his emotions are becoming too much for him that he can't be here anymore. he somehow carely manages to get off of your bed without waking you, and slip out your front door.
he doesn't know what time it is, but he figures it's late with how quiet the busan neighbourhood is. there's a fresh layer of snow on the ground, and he can see his rigid breath in front of him in the air. his jacket his zipped up to his chin as he starts to walk. he doesn't know exclty where he is walking to until he's standing in front of lee heeseung's door and knocking.
heeseung opens the door with a tired looking expression on his face- as if he had just woken up. his faded pink hair is standing up a bit as he looks at an obviiously panicked jake in front of him.
"dude, what's wrong?"
"can i come in?"
heeseung opens the door wider instantly, letting his friend in from the cold, winter night.
heeseung sits jake down in his bedroom. jake had been to heeseung's house multiple times before. he looked up to heeseung in a way he's never looked up to anyone before. he was the captain of majority of the sports teams at their school, he's someone that everyone can rely on and jake's grateful he had someone like that at one point.
jake's sitting at heeseung's desk as heeseung is leaned against his wall on his bed. jake's looking around heeseung's room, it's been awhile since he's been in heeseung's room. it looks different, more clean, and there's pictures missing from the walls and books missing from the shelves. he notices the boxes packed ontop of each other in one corner.
"i'm packing for college, i know we have some months left, but i want to get it out of the way," heeseung speaks quielty, noticing the way jake's staring at the brown boxes. jake can only nod at his friends' words, too much on his mind to try to make conversation. "so, are you gonna tell me why you showed up at my house at 11pm or are we just gonna keep sitting in silence?"
jake almost laughs at heeseung, the way he usually does but he can't seem to make any noise or movement come out, "i've been talking to this girl."
"y/l/n y/n." jake jolts at the way your name comes out of heeseung's mouth so instinctively. "what? everyone knows you're close with her now."
"right," jake nodded, remembering isa's standoff with you, chaerin and jay a month ago. "well, i fingered her."
heeseung scoffs and closes his eyes for a moment, trying to not laugh at the way his friend is obviously not thinking straight at the moment, "okay, and?"
"and then i told her my mom's dead.'"
"did you tell her that you're mom's dead before or after she came?"
"after." jake stated, "god, obviously after."
heeseung put his hands up in defense. "so then what?"
jake paused and thought about it for a moment, "and then i woke up not being able to breathe, and that's happened a few times before but it's never happened because of y/n and now i'm here because i didn't want to go home because then i'd think of my mom and i couldn't stay at y/n's because then i'd think of y/n." jake rambled on, heeseung only nodding along as he let his friend rant to him.
it was silent between the two teenage boys, heeseung trying to think of a way to help his friend while jake was thinking of you. heeseung and jake had been friends since year 9, both of them loving sports. it was obvious then that they had a lot in common when it came to almost everyhting, and it was obvious now how much they had slowly started to lose everything that they had in common.
heeseung still loved playing sports, and hoped to go proffessional once they graduated in a few months. everyone knew jake didn't want to do that- jake hated sports now, and only continued on this year because he felt like he had to.
still, they had so many memories together that they remained friends, and heeseung wanted to help his friend at the very moment.
"so what's wrong with y/n that you panicked about her?"
"nothing!" jake rushed out, clearing his throat before calmly continuing, "there's nothing wrong with her. i just- i don't- god hee! i don't know!" jake put his head in hands. heeseung moved across his bed so that he was sitting closer to jake now.
"so, is there something just physical with you and her or is there like, emotional stuff, too?" heeseung asked, trying to figure out why jake was being like this.
"it's, emotional. more emotional than physical- wait no! i guess there's an equal amount of them, but still i'd rather listen to her favourite songs with her and read to her and make her laugh then shove my dick down her throat. but i wanna do that with her too! but i'd take listening to her talk about her favourite songs then a blowjob. i think." jake rambled on again, heeseung really trying to focus and help rather than laugh his ass off at his friend's rambling.
"so," heeseung starts, trying to process jake's words and his response, "you... love her?"
"what?" jake gasps, looking up from the floor to his friend.
"shh," heeseung slaps jake's shoulder, "you're gonna wake up my parents be quiet!"
jake brushed his hair away from his face, "i- i don't know if i love her."
heeseung almost laughs at his friend again, "did you hear what you just said about her?"
jake thought about his rambled confession he just told heeseung, thinking about how he had described you.
"you love her, jake." heeseung repeated, notcing the look of realization slowly creep onto jake's face. "and you're panicking because you've never loved someone before, it's obvious, man."
"holy shit," jake sat back in his chair, "i love her!"
heeseung sighed out of relief, laying back onto his elbows on his bed, "great! now go tell her that! tell her everything you just told me!' heeseung pointed to his bedroom door, "well maybe leave out the blowjob part- and the shoving your dick down her throat part."
"i can't go back!" jake yelled, before getting slapped by heeseung again to be quiet.
"and why not?"
"because- because, i don't know! what if she doesn't love me?"
"well, then i guess you'll come running back here so i'll keep my front door unlocked for you." jake turned and looked at his friend that had a smug look on his face, "go!"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
you had woken up maybe ten minutes after jake had left. you woke up to a cold bed and an empty feeling starting to grow in your chest. you sat up in your bed when you realized he wasn't in your room or your quiet house. the snow was picking up and covering your window, blocking the moonlight from entering your bedroom.
you brought your knees to your chest, playing with the bottoms of your sweatpants by your ankles. you weren't neccessarily surprised that jake had left. he had sleeping problems of his own, and plus you were use to everyone in your life leaving you.
it felt like he was just another one of those people again. of course, jake and you had gone through three weeks of not speaking before- but this time really hurt. at this point, you were aware of your feelings for jake. they weren't covered up in a friendship like the first time he had left you.
your feelings were clear to you- and maybe not (definelty not) to jake.
you sat your elbows up on your window sill, lighting a cigarette, trying to relax yourself from the anxiety creeping up into your chest. you exhaled the smoke as you tried to find the perfect print of a snowflake on your window. you thought to yourself then that you would be spending christmas alone now afterall.
it soon felt like you were going into a haze of sleep deprivation, anxiety and nicotine. the coldness seepign through your window being the only thing to confort you and your mind into reality. you closed your eyes for a moment, resting your head on the window sill as the cigarette in your hand burnt out itself.
your thoughts were filled of jake and you. your imagined future crumpling down. your past together meaning nothing to him as you thought about all the times you had shared your headphones, listened to him read, and made each other laugh.
you seem to be reliving yoru past mentally, and you're stuck in it, trying to remember it all because for a moment it felt like that was the only thing you were going to have left with sim jake. your bedroom gets darker as the late night passes on, the smell of smoke fading out from your room. and then you are woken up from the long dream you were living in for a moment, and you feel a tear slip down your cheek.
it's his voice. it feels like you're still dreaming with the way it sounds. like you're memories and sleep deprivation are playing a trick on you.
"y/n are you awake? i'm fucking cold."
and then he's silent again, the snow and wind outside being the only sound. his voice is coming from your bedroom door behind you.
when you speak again, your voice is softer than you remember.
"jake?" he doesn't answer. "jake, are you..."
"what're you doing?" his voice becomes clearer and it becomes evident that he's right behind you and you aren't having some sick dream.
"say my name again, please?"
jake's quiet for a moment as he stares at your slumped over body on your window sill, and then he carefully whispers out to you, like he doesn't want to wake you after you had just fallen asleep, "y/n."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake crawled into bed with you afterwards, wrapping his arms around you from behind and pulling down onto the bed with him carefully like you were going to break.
"where were you?" you ask out, facing away from him as you let your body sink into his from behind you.
"i went to heeseung's for a second, i'm sorry. he kissed the back of your head, "i'm sorry i didn't mean to upset you." he kissed your head again, his arms tighetning around you as if he was scared you were going to run away from him.
"i thought-" you tried to control your breathing, wiping away the tears that were fallind down your face quietly, "i thought you had left me again- thought you weren't going to see me again."
"no no," jake shushed you, putting his head on your shoulder from behind, "i'm sorry, baby, i won't leave you again. i mean it."
"really?" you manage to ask out, your breathing coming back to a normal pace when you realize everything is okay still.
"yeah," jake states before pausing, "i love you."
and the words ring out into your quiet bedroom and ring around the walls until you're turning to look at him over your shoulder. he looks frightened, but sure of himself at the same time. you can hear him harshly swallow as he looks at you, trying to figure out what you're thinking.
"you love me?"
"yes." jake quickly anawers you, "a lot. and everything about you. and i've never loved someone before but i know i love you. i don't want to be without you in this life- and i mean that." his grasp on you loosens as you turn to face him.
"i love you."
jake grabs your face, pulling your lips to his for the tenth time that day. both of you feel like you could never get tired of just kissing each other like this.
"fuck, i love you." jake grumbles out against your lips before kissing your again passionately.
"i've loved you for a long time, i don't think i've noticed until recently." you confess, pulling away from him. "i've never loved anyone before either, but i know i'll love you forever if you let me."
jake smiles at you, pulling you into kiss him once more. your hips instinctly grind into his, not being able to stop the way he's making you feel at the moment. you've never felt so loved before by a single kiss.
your kiss turns into a loving and lustful one quickly. your hands running through his shaggy, brown hair that you've come to love.
"you don't know what you do to me, baby." jake mutteres, his hand leaving your jaw and roaming down your side to your rest on your hip.
you chuckle as your hands slide inbetween you two, going under his shirt and lifting it over his body. your eyes travel over his skin, loving the way it looks and feels. so many pretty moles to memorize as you kiss his collarbones.
you roll over so that you are on top of him now. jake pulled you closer and started leaving wet kisses overtop the hickeys he had given you earlier. you couldn't stop the low moans leaving your lips as you started to grind down onto his bulge.
you both felt rushed but knew you had all the time in the world at that very moment. your hands started to travel down his stomach to where his sweatpants were loosened on his hips. he smiled against your skin.
jake's own hands travelled underneath your hoodie, pulling it off to reveal your breasts. his hands instantly cupped them, tweaking your nipples as you arched your back into him.
"are you wet again for me, baby?" jake asks, with a smirk. one of his hands slipped into your panties like he did earlier, this time more confidently as he knew your body enough already.
you bucked your hips in pleasure as he started to thumb quickly at your clit again. your body still sensitive from early.
"j-jake." you whimpered out to him, arching your back.
you whined when he slipped his hands out of your panties.
"i want you to come on my dick this time, baby." jake explains to you, kissing you before flipping you over so that you were on your back. jake slides your sweatpants and panties off, you hear his gasp as his eyes meet your fully bare body. he's almost unable to stop staring at you before you remind him to take off his pants as well.
you wrap yoru arms around his neck as you feel his hard cock start brushing against your wet entrance. you instantly let out a moan as he enters you. jake feels his eyes roll back at the feeling of your bare walls on his cock. he pushes deep inside of you, making both of you having laboured breathing already.
"you feel so good, jake."
"yeah, feels like i was fuckin' made for you." jake starts to thrust into you with a steady pace. his eyes never left you, wanting to see how you reacted to him fucking you.
"fuck!" you gasped once he hit a certain spot, your voice going into a higher pitch. you grasped onto his arm when jake started to fuck into your faster, hitting your newly found sweet spot everytime.
you looked so pretty wrapped around his cock that he didn't know how much longer he could go withyou tightening so well around him. he's thought about this for so long- he just wants to be as close to you as possible.
"jake." you moaned out his name. you clenched around him as his thumb started to circle your clit again. he started to thrust deeper and faster at the same time, allowing you to feel every inch of his cock.
"are you gonna cum for me, y/n?" jake moans out your name as well.
"y-yes! god, jake." you intertwined your hands with his, coming on his hard dick with a loud moan. jake couldn't hold back as he felt you soak his dick- his own cum releasing into you at the same time.
"f-fuck." jake groaned out into your skin.
both of your hairs' were messy as jake pulled out of you, watching the way his cum dripped out of you, leaking onto your bed.
he ran his fingers through his sweaty hair, a smile on his lips as he looked at your fucked out expression. "fuck, baby, you're so good. so pretty, too." his hand was still holding onto yours as you both looked down at your ruined legs.
"you're cleaning it up." you spoke out, your head falling back down onto your pillow- sleeping wanting to fill your body for the first time in months from pure exhaustion.
"of course, baby." jake smiled as he kissed your forehead, letting go of your hand to go to the bathroom to get a warm towel for you.
you felt jake clean you up, and wipe your sheets before laying down beside you again, pulling your blanket up and over you before lacing your hands together- falling asleep in perfect content- knowing that when you both wake up you'll be happy.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
jake asked you to be his girlfriend a day later on christmas, not wanting you to feel alone on christmas ever again. he was right when he said his family loves you, they happily accepted you in with them on christmas day.
you seemingly fit in with not only his family, but his rugby team members as well. officially meeting thee lee heeseung when you went back to school after winter vacation. they all seemed to love you- just like jake (and jay!) had said they would.
you and jake continued to spend your days alone in either his your bedroom's, constantly finding new msuic to listen to together- creating new memories with all the songs. somedays, jake would make you tag along to a party with him, smoking out the window as he got shit faced with his friends- happily knowing that you would walk him home and tuck him into bed with you afterwards.
you had always heard stories about not becoming friends with seniors when you were younger than them- and you quickly found out why you shouldn't when the last weeks of high school for them were approaching.
it was sad helping jake pack up all his things for college- he, like the rest of your friends had gotten accepted to a college in seoul. you were happy for him! happier for him than he was happy for himself. he didn't want to go to college for kinesology, but he felt like that was the only thing going for him. he especially didn't want to go and leave you behind in busan.
on the day that he, jay, chaerin, sunghoon and heeseung had all planed to drive together to seoul, you presented jake with a gift.
it was a cd you had burned all your favourite songs on. because i couldn't tell you what my favourite one was, here's all of them :) - y/n
"fuck." jake said as he looked down at the cd, a warm but hurtful feeling playing along his chest before wrapping you up into a hug, "i'm gonna fucking miss you, baby."
"i'm gonna miss you."
"we're gonna call, and text all the time! and i'll see you on christmas break!" jake reminded you and himself, pulling you into a passionate kiss before sunghoon honked the horn of their van to tell jake to hurry up.
"get in the car or be ditched forever!" sunghoon yelled out the window, "some of us haven't had our first love yet and want to get on the road to meet their first love!"
you laugh into jake's lips as you pull away from each other.
"i love you." jake says sadly, scanning your face quickly as if he's gonna forget it as soon as he turns around.
"i love you."
sunghoon honked the horn again, "come on!"
jake and you let go of each other's hands sadly, watching as jake got in the car, waving goodbye to them all as they drove off down the street- leaving you alone in godforbidden busan.
and you've always hated busan.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
your insomnia got worse then ever before when jake left. it was something you couldn't deal with anymore. you had to stop going to school in fear of hurting yourself accidentally by the lack of sleep you were having.
you had started tossing and turning in your twenty minute sleep so much that you were waking up with bruises all over your legs and arms. you continously had nightmares about jake- and how he's going to leave you.
the long distance relationship worked between you and jake for the first few months. you celebrated your one year anivesary together on christmas- buying each other matching headphones.
you continously told each other that you loved each other- everyday over text. even if you hadn't spoken during the day at all, you could always count on him for texting you those three words.
you think now, that over time you had lost the meaning to those three words with jake. you used them so much that both of you didn't even realize when you stopped loving eachother.
you think you noticed it first on valentine's day after your one year aniversary. when it took jake all day to call you and say he loves you. jake got busy with school- and he got depressed with school. he told you a little bit about how he was feeling a first- how he hated the classes but needed this degree so he could get some sort of job.
after a while, it felt like neither of you knew anything about what was happening in each other's lives. you only knew the shell of the people you use to be and knew that you should say 'i love you' to each other.
your breakup happened not long after valentine's day- when he had forgotten your birthday. it had been a week or two since you had even spoken on the phone with eachother- forgetting each other's voices at that point.
it felt like your heart was being ripped in half when the clock hit midnight for the next day to begin, your brithday finishes and not a single call or text from jake had appeared.
you waited three days for a frantic spree of texts to be sent, saying how he's sorry and that he loves you, he's sending you a present right now and so on.
you didn't respond to any of them.
he called and called for a week, finally giving up when you hadn't answered after the 100th time.
jake ❤️ : i'll get you out of busan y/n, i swear i'm sorry. i love you
you didn't answer that text either, and ended up blocking your first love.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
when you graduated a few months after your first ever break up, you went to seoul for college. soobin helped you pack up your things and sent you on your way by train. you could tell that soobin was a bit sad to see you go- but at least he'd have the house to himself for once.
it took three days before you saw someone you recognized on your school's campus; park chaerin.
you hadn't really spoken to her since jake and you had broken up. over time, she had become more of jake's friend than your own.
"holy shit." chaerin said as she saw you standing in front of her in front of the school's fountain. she looked like she had seen a ghost. "y/n! what the hell are you doing here?" she wrapped you up into a hug, she tried to ignore the eye bags under your eyes and the awful paleness of your skin.
"i got accepted here, so, yeah." you sheepishly responded.
"holy shit." another voice spoke out behind chaerin, jay and heeseung stood there, their jaw's almost on the floor when they saw you. they ran and hugged you as well- jay lifting you off the ground before placing you back down.
after a few minutes of catching up you asked the question everyone knew was coming, "so uh, is jake, around?' you asked them, your hands shaking on your sides and you knew if jake saw you he'd know you were about to pass out from anxiousness.
"uh, no." chaerin spoke carefully, "he dropped out a few weeks ago."
"he said he was going to busan." heeseung added.
"three days ago."
"three days ago?!" you yell out, the noise from the fountain not making your voice too loud.
you groaned when you saw them all nod in agreement. you put your hand on your forehead with a sigh of frustration and anger filling your body.
of course you had to leave cities at the same time.
jake knocked on your door three days before that day, anxiousness filling his body at the thought of seeing you again after seven months. he wondered the whole train ride back to his hometown how you would react when you saw him standing on your front porch. he thought maybe you'd punch him, or yell at him, or simply not open the door.
he was not expecting a pissed off soobin to answer the door instead.
"what the fuck do you want?" soobin grunted out to him.
"uh, is y/n here?"
"nope." soobin said curtly, looking at jake as if he was ready to close the door on his face already.
"where is she?"
soobin shrugged, "couldn't stand to be in busan anymore."
jake rubbed at his face in shock, not believing his luck.
"is there anything else you want to know?" soobin asked the younger boy. jake only shook his head no, "great."
soobin slammed the door in his face.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
the last time you had seen sim jake was four years ago. when he kissed you goodbye on new years and told you he'd see you that summer.
he did not see you that summer.
none of you had known where sim jake had gone after he left seoul. you had all figured he went to busan, but none of your friends that had stayed in your hometown had seen him.
you ended up staying in seoul for four years to finish up your music production degree at college. it had taken a lot from you, physically and mentally. your insomnia had gotten better over time, but you had startedusing your restless nights as a way to be productive and get your shit together instead of smoking your nights away.
during your years at college, you had stopped being friends with anyone you had been friends with in highschool. you had all fallen out of touch with eachother- none of you realizing that the only person that kept you together was jake.
the last time you had seen park chaerin was across the cafeteria during your third year at college. she had grown out of her 'gothic' phase of dressing and makeup style, looking more mature instead. apparently her and jay had stayed together- they graudated together but you haven't seen them since then.
lee heeseung dropped out of college during his second year- only six months of your first year. he had gotten a major opportunity to play football in america, so he took it in a heartbeat. he knocked on your dorm the night before and told you the news. he hugged you goodbye, and wished you the best as he took a final look at those godforsaken purple bags under your eyes.
when you had finally graduated college- you were done with seoul as well. it felt like you just hated korea all together- you didn't belong there- everybody and everything was the same.
you took the first job opportunity you got that wasn't in korea- but california. it was for a record label you hadn't heard of, but decided to take a chance on, maybe you could help the label a bit with your producer abilities.
it had been four years and seven months since you had seen sim jake- and you hadn't forgotten a single thing about him. he went through your mind several times a week- even when you knew he shouldn't be when you were in the middle of an exam.
it had been four years and seven months since you had seen your first love- and you were not expecting to see him on your first day at your first job in california.
sim jake still had his pretty smile and brown eyes. his shaggy brown hair was now shorter as it was slightly pushed back from his face.
you really thought you had lost your mind when you saw him- you thought that the sleep deprivation had finally caught up to you over all these years and had made you crack.
jake and you stood in front of eachother down the front hall at the production company, staring in shock as you looked at one another.
"y/n?" jake asked you first, not believing himself as he said your name.
you nodded your head at him, "say my name again, please." needing to hear it again to know you weren't dreaming.
"y/n." a smile spread across your face at the sound of the familiar voice.
"you guys know each other?" the young assistant asked you both as she stood in front of you, ready to take you on a tour through the building.
"yeah." you both respond at the same time.
"oh, that's good then since you'll be working together a lot." she stated, causing you to give her a confused look, "he's the singer you'll be producing music for."
and now you're sat outside the recording booth, listening to your first love sing about you into the microphone- producing your first hit song that would only be the start of both of your careers.
a smile on your face knowing that you'll be able to sleep tonight, since he'll be beside you, holding your hand.
@ taeghi, 2022. do not repost or reuse in anyway.
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Commission of the besties !
Ao3 writers were called Jäegermeisters.
✲ Y'all are in for a world of hurt now.