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#fifty yards of yellow theatrical silk
elucubrare · 2 years ago
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i'm proud of it
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latenightlesbian · a year ago
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All I ever did to that apartment was hang fifty yards of yellow theatrical silk across the bedroom windows, because I had some idea that the gold light would make me feel better, but I did not bother to weight the curtains correctly and all that summer the long panels of transparent golden silk would blow out the windows and get tangled and drenched in afternoon thunderstorms.
That was the year, my twenty-eight, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every word, all of it.
Goodbye to All That, Joan Didion, 1967.
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tonguebreaks · 2 years ago
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All I ever did to that apartment was hang fifty yards of yellow theatrical silk across the bedroom windows, because I had some idea that the gold light would make me feel better, but I did not bother to weight the curtains correctly and all that summer the long panels of transparent golden silk would blow out the windows and get tangled and drenched in afternoon thunderstorms. That was the year, my twenty-eighth, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and ever procrastination, every word, all of it.
—Joan Didion, “Goodbye to All That”
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niffler · 3 years ago
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All I could do during those years was talk long-distance to the boy I already knew I would never marry in the spring. I would stay in New York, I told him, just six months, and I could see the Brooklyn Bridge from my window. As it turned out the bridge was the Triborough, and I stayed eight years.
**
All I ever did to that apartment was hang fifty yards of yellow theatrical silk across the bedroom windows, because I had some idea that the gold light would make me feel better, but I did not bother to weight the curtains correctly and all that summer the long panels of transparent golden silk would blow out the windows and get tangled and drenched in afternoon thunderstorms. That was the year, my twenty-eight, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every word, all of it.
— Goodbye to All That, Joan Didion
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otherworldliness · 4 years ago
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All I ever did to that apartment was hang fifty yards of yellow theatrical silk across the bedroom windows, because I had some idea that the gold light would make me feel better, but I did not bother to weight the curtains correctly and all that summer the long panels of transparent golden silk would blow out the windows and get tangled and drenched in afternoon thunderstorms. That was the year, my twenty-eighth, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every word, all of it.
Joan Didion, “Goodbye to All That”
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elucubrare · 4 months ago
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I’m far enough away, now, from the breakup with New York that I can sit across from it at a café table amicably - that the fact that I know exactly where to stand in a train station to step out at the foot of the stairs that are closest to my mother’s apartment, or that I can name every stop in order from the tip of Manhattan to hers, 10 stops into Brooklyn, no longer feel like scars, only grooves worn into rock by the passage of water. I stood the last twenty seconds of the train ride to prove I still could, the way you remember birthdays of people you no longer love.
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elucubrare · a year ago
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i made "Italian bread" because i had mom send me prosciutto from NYC & idk if you've ever had NYC Italian-American bakery bread but it's a very specific thing that is, honestly, on an absolute scale of bread, not very good–the inside is dry and the crumb is a little soft–but the outside has a nice, thin, flaky crust. 
the bread I made is very good. i've fixed many of the problems my baguettes have had in my past few attempts. it has a very nice, springy crumb despite how much trouble i had shaping it. the crust is perfectly crunchy. it's not the right bread. 
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elucubrare · a year ago
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Things I Miss about NYC
dollar pizza, the kind that's been sitting under the lamp for much too long & is just grease, salt, acid, and a little bit of bread
boneless ribs from Chinese takeout places 
Italian sandwich cookies–jam in the middle, dipped in chocolate, rainbow sprinkles 
the banh mi from a very specific place in Brooklyn 
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elucubrare · a year ago
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But that's not how cities change. They do it slowly, so slowly that you don't notice, until you go to the neighborhood you first lived in when you came out of the plains, with someone else, and you point at stores, or boarded-up storefronts, and say "and that was the restaurant that made the best noodles in the city, and that was the laundry that was slightly more expensive but worth it, and that..." 
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elucubrare · a year ago
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y'know, i'm technically capable of writing a city-as-character that isn't just NYC 
haven't done it yet, but that's a different issue 
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elucubrare · a year ago
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it is validating, in a weird way, that no part of me wants to move back to New York -- when I was thinking about moving, I was worried that I'd be wrong about being okay elsewhere. A lot of my hesitation was that I knew how hard it would be to move back -- to have enough money both to move my stuff and to get an apartment in the city. But now I'm having a little bit of a downturn and I still would rather be here and can only imagine NYC being worse for me -- 
it all counts and is real and this is where i live now, but that's for the best.  
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elucubrare · 2 years ago
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How They Brought Bagels from New York to Texas
[a fragment ending here because I 100% do not have the metrical skills for the rest of this pastiche]
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elucubrare · 2 years ago
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i'm glad i left NYC & this week has only reinforced that, but there are moments -- I go to the grocery store or the butcher in the neighborhood where I lived for 25 years & where my mother has been for about 35 and the owners ask how I've been and are glad to meet my boyfriend, because New York is a huge city composed of hundreds of small towns -- 
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elucubrare · 2 years ago
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there was an MTA progress report on the train that said 
"in the past year we have: fixed 10 problematic switches" 
and i wanted to get a picture but it was gone too soon 
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elucubrare · 2 years ago
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this morning i got my hair cut, and spent the walk from the train to the salon having complicated feelings about not feeling out of place & how quickly I've reactivated old neural pathways, but I got there and the woman who's cut my hair since the end of 2017 was genuinely excited to see me, and I her, and she gave me a big hug and asked about Austin, and we talked throughout the cut, about differences between NYC and Austin, and my hair, and her hair, and the whole concept of going places near where you live (neither of us really does), and I said (not seriously), "well, I can just get my hair trimmed at the Supercuts near my apartment complex..." and she said "I would literally die" and when I left she hugged me again, and it was just such a lovely interaction (and, like, people like me? sounds fake); 
and then when I got home I exercised (ran a lap of the baseball fields in prospect park) and there was a large group of teenagers goofing around near where I was going to finish, and when I did, struggling a little, they all clapped and cheered; and then I asked them to shoot me with their water guns before I did the next thing, and after verifying that I was being serious, they did, and then I finished my exercise;
and somehow I've gotten all the energy I've been keeping in whatever the body equivalent of the Cloud is for ten years, and I'm so much happier: it sounds so cliché and sappy but I've been smiling at people and talking and taking the time to take pictures of the irises in front of Borough Hall and everything is so much better. 
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elucubrare · 2 years ago
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i woke up early and went to the Connecticut Muffin across the street from my parents' because there's no space in that apartment, certainly not for three people, and well, if there's anything good about this trip it's confirming that I made the right move when I left -- 
when I walked through Park Slope on one of New York's rare beautiful spring days, light filtering through the leaves of trees and tiny gardens in front of brownstones making their bravest show, and felt no desire to stay any longer, nor even any pangs of nostalgia, it just made it so clear that the city and I are over; 
and I have six days left away from home, and whether it rains in Lake Placid or not, I have to get out of the city, I can't stay here anymore -- I want my own space and the schedule that works for me and to be home.
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elucubrare · 2 years ago
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this is the saddest to-do list for New York tbh
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elucubrare · 2 years ago
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thearrogantemu replied to your post “She stood so still, she threw me to the dirt. / She tore my hide and...”
This was one of the songs on my New York playlist. "Not a soul would look up, not a soul would look down..."
yikes but yeah 
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