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themurphyzone · 3 years

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Nova Ch 12

AN: I’ve been waiting to write this chapter for so long! Can you believe it’s been a year since I started this story?

Ch 12: Mare

AO3 Link

Dear Mickey Mouse Calendar,

It’s May 2nd, and you know what that means! Well, besides bringing May flowers of course! The flowers are going to be so beautiful this year, I can tell! Especially once they bring the butterflies and the birds and the bees! Oh dear, do you think Brain knows about the factory in the sky that produces cute little mouse babies? I hope so.

Anyway, the beautiful, lovely, fantabulous Pharfignewton’s gonna be running in the Derby in just a little bit! She’s worked really really hard to get this far, and I’m super proud of her! She’s gonna be one step closer to the Triple Crown when she wins!

Anyway, I’m running out of room on this page, so I just wanted to say I love you, Figgy Pudding! May the best mare win!

Love,

Pinky

o-o-o-o-o

Pinky added a heart by his name with a sparkly pink gel pen and blew a kiss to the image of Mickey and Minnie driving a cute little car into the sunset. Then he recapped the pen, washed his hands of extra glitter, and returned to the TV, which had been tuned into the Kentucky Derby for the past two hours.

They were still conducting pre-race interviews with the owners, jockeys, and trainers. Though there were several saddled horses with colorful numbers in the background, none of them were Pharfignewton.

But they were still very beautiful horses, clopping around on the dirt-covered track as they flicked their ears and tails in anticipation of the race.

Several boxes of leftover pizza and paper plates were laid out in front of the television.. It was so nice of the scientists to throw a pizza party and let them have the leftovers! Pepperoni, mac and cheese, and pineapple pizza were all so delicious, and they tasted even better when all three were combined on a single slice!

Pinky popped a pineapple cube in his mouth, giggling as it stung his tongue. Then he turned to his hat, which laid a short distance away from the leftover pizza so it didn’t get soiled. Lovely, glittery red and purple roses decorated the outside of the hat, and every inch was decked with colorful feathers, encouraging messages, and Pharfignewton’s name so everybody for miles around could see he was rooting for his favorite horse.

Since the hat was too big and heavy for him to wear throughout the pre-race festivities, he decided to just put it on a few minutes before the race instead.

And it was so sweet of Gummy, Madame Daisy, Nicholas, and Mr. Button to support Pharfignewton! They were all gathered in front of the TV so they could watch the Derby too!

Pinky’s ear twitched at a gagging noise on his left, and he turned his head just in time to see Brain spit a chunk of pineapple onto a napkin.

“Of all things, why in Selene’s name would you ruin perfectly good cheese with battery acid?” Brain snapped. He immediately dunked his muzzle into a thimble of water.

“Batteries aren’t a pizza topping,” Pinky said. Did batteries look like pineapples on New Selene? “And pineapple pizza tastes delicious!”

Brain scowled as he shoved the paper plate with his barely touched pineapple pizza slice towards Pinky, then grabbed a new plate and loaded it with two slices of pepperoni.

“I’m outlawing that vile piece of filth you call food as soon as I rule the world,” Brain declared.

“You can’t do that!” Pinky cried. What was next? Declaring pumpkin spice illegal? He would never support such an awful law! “That’s...that’s just unconstitutional! A breach of power! I won’t stand for it, Brain!”

Then he realized he was standing up to grab the pineapple pizza slice, so he promptly sat down and chomped on pineapple, tomato sauce, and bread to prove his point.

Brain wrinkled his nose, but before he could reply, the TV panned to show a beautiful, gray-maned white horse prancing in circles around her jockey, nearly tying him up in her reins.

“That’s her! That’s Pharfignewton!” Pinky yelled, spewing tomato sauce from his mouth. “Hi, Fig! It’s me, Pinky!”

Pinky quickly set his pizza down and slipped the hat on, sitting underneath the brim while the rest of the hat was propped against the counter. He hoped Pharfignewton could see the messages he’d written.

“The cameras aren’t two-way, Pinky,” Brain said, but Pharfignewton whinnied happily, so Pinky knew she could hear him from thousands of miles away!

She wore a beautiful pink cloth over her back with the number fifteen emblazoned in white, with a brown saddle on top. She tossed her head back and whinnied, her reins quivering in the sunlight. Her jockey slipped a pink mask over her face, and when she turned to look at the camera, her gorgeous blue eyes stood out even more.

“You have quite the unusual horse here, Mr. Gardner,” the reporter said to Pharfignewton’s owner, who Pinky recognized by his bushy beard. “Not much of a looker, nor was she sired from any famous line of racehorses. And only one fellow’s bet on her at all.”

Pinky frowned. Not much of a looker? That reporter’s obviously never seen Pharfignewton with the wind flowing through her mane, or the joyful neighs whenever she galloped around a field, or how she practically glowed whenever she ran.

Mr. Gardner leveled a glare at the reporter, who withered from the intense look. “Pharfignewton may have a different build from her fellow racehorses, but she’s a hundred times more passionate about racing than anyone else. It’s true that neither of her parents have competed on the national level, but she’s inherited her mother’s spirit and her father’s diligence, a mixture of traits which will suit her well today.”

“Yes...I’m sure it will,” the reporter muttered. His eyes darted to a chestnut horse with a yellow cloth draped over his back. “Oh, would you look at the time? I don’t believe I’ve gotten a chance to talk with Mayoneighaise’s team yet!”

He scurried off, the cameraman trailing behind him.

A board flashed onscreen, showing the horses’ names and numbers before cutting to commercial.

“Mr. Legs? Friendly Neighborhood Racehorse? Is this entire competition just an excuse to saddle these poor creatures with horrific names?” Brain asked over the noise of a car commercial.

“You can’t saddle a name. You saddle horses, Brain,” Pinky said. Brain could be so confused sometimes.

“And they barely gave Pharfignewton the time of day,” Brain added. “But they dedicated a full fifteen minutes to Arabian Night’s training sessions.”

Pinky shrugged. “Well, Arabian Night worked really hard. He deserved that time. And so does Maximus and Maverick and Black Beauty and Rainbow Dash and-”

“It’s blatant favoritism,” Brain cut in.

The commercial break ended, and the broadcast showed a female reporter approaching an enormous, muscular black stallion with a comically small jockey leading him by the reins. He bore a royal purple cloak with number one written in a fancy golden script on his back. The horse was so dark that Pinky could barely see his eyes or mouth.

“And here we have the clear fan-favorite, Daddy’s Little Angel,” the reporter declared as she carefully approached the horse, who huffed when she got too close to his muzzle. She pulled back, keeping her microphone close to her body. “An excellent track record locally and regionally, highest odds tonight, and a descendant of the famous Triple Crown winner Secretariat. He sure has a lot going for him, don’t you think?”

Daddy’s Little Angel was stoic and handsome, and as his owner and trainer listed off his various accomplishments, Pinky crossed his fingers and toes for good luck. Pharfignewton had a whole lot of competition. Sure, she was the fastest racehorse around these parts, but in the Derby she was a small goldfish in a large aquarium full of other fish.

“Zort! Nope, can’t think like that!” Pinky said, thumping his head with his fist. He didn’t want to have doubts about her talent! She was the best, the swiftest, and the fastest at eating apples and hay! There’s no way she could lose!

“Quiet, Pinky. I’m trying to listen,” Brain said. His pink eyes gleamed with interest as a montage of Daddy’s Little Angel’s previous feats flashed across the screen. “I wouldn’t be opposed to owning a horse like that for ceremonial purposes.”

“Parading around on Pharfignewton sounds lovely,” Pinky sighed dreamily.

He imagined Pharfignewton in a beautiful golden outfit, bells on her reins, and prancing down the street to a cheering crowd while he rode on her back. And there were pretty parade floats and celebrities singing and giant balloons of all his favorite characters!

He was broken out of his fantasy by the sound of a fanfare.

“Attention, all riders and horses! Clear the track and proceed to your stalls! The race will commence shortly!” the announcer declared.

The camera lingered on Daddy’s Little Angel for just a little longer before panning out for a wide shot of the horses and jockeys making their way to the starting point, the trainers leading the horses by the reins and securing them in the stalls.

Fifteen horses dressed in colorful racing garb whinnied and bucked their hind legs in anticipation of the race. Daddy’s Little Angel was in the first stall, the one nearest to the fence. Next to him, a majestic, stout white horse named Maximus took the number two slot. Like Daddy’s Little Angel, he was poised, calm, and determined to win.

Most of the other horses were far more impatient though. Rainbow Dash wouldn’t quit stomping in her stall, and Maverick gave her a warning nip when her tail flicked him one too many times. She didn’t like that at all, and both jockeys fought to get their horses under control.

A cinnamon stallion named Spirit thrashed in his stall, nearly throwing his rider off multiple times while two other people tried to calm him down.

Then they finally showed Pharfignewton. She was in the stall closest to the stands, and while she was penned securely, the workers were all focused on the skittish racehorses.

Pharfignewton flashed a horsey smile to the audience, then lowered her head in anticipation for the race to begin.

Pinky’s fingers, toes, and tail were all crossed. She had to win! This was her dream ever since she was a little filly!

“And they’re off!” the announcer declared as the bell rang and the gates opened. All fifteen horses galloped out of the stalls, kicking up dirt as their hooves thundered against the ground. “Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus off to an early lead! Horsin’ Around’s pulling ahead of Tricky Mickey and...oh! Spirit’s bucked his jockey! That’s gonna cost everyone behind ‘em some time!”

The names and number display at the bottom of the screen shifted around as horses pulled ahead or fell behind.

Pinky’s muscles tensed as Pharfignewton swerved to avoid a riderless Spirit, though Achilles’ Heel was unlucky enough to be caught on a back ankle by a flailing hoof. Pharfignewton fell behind Mr. Legs and Mayoneighase for a split second before increasing her speed and passing them as they reached the first turn.

Pharfignewton was truly in her element! Like a happy, gusty wind spirit!

“YOU CAN DO IT, FIG!” Pinky screamed at the top of his lungs, and there was an angry shushing noise, followed by a parmesan packet smacking the side of his head. “Thanks for the parmesan, Brain!”

“Onto the second turn!” the announcer continued. “Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus neck and neck! Rainbow Dash and Arabian Night fighting for third a mere two lengths away! Maverick trying to squeeze in but there’s no room! Hold onto your fancy hats, folks, this is shaping up to be a wild race!”

Egad, he didn’t want to lose his fancy hat! Pinky clutched the edges with cheese-stained fingers.

“Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus still leading the pack, but trailing them is Black Beauty and Grand Chawhee! Rainbow Dash and Arabian Night have fallen to fifth and sixth! Friendly Neighborhood Racehorse trying for a comeback while Maver-what’s this? Pharfignewton’s clawing her way up from tenth, ninth, eighth, seventh...now she’s passed Rainbow Dash! Ladies and gents, this could be the biggest recovery in the Derby’s history!”

Oh, if only he remembered where he’d placed his cotton ball pom-poms! They’d come in super handy right now!

Black Beauty and Grand Chawhee slowed down on the final turn, enabling Pharfignewton to easily overtake them for third place. Then she poured on the speed, closing in between Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus.

“NARF! GO, PHARFIGNEWTON!” Pinky screeched, his hat tumbling off as he leapt to his feet. If he screamed loud enough, Pharfignewton could hear him all the way in Kentucky! And the power of friendship always worked for last-minute wins! His cartoons were never wrong!

“It’s a straight shot to the finish! Maximus falls back by half a length! Ladies and gents, could this be the greatest upset in horse racing history? It’s Pharfignewton! No, Daddy’s Little Angel pulls ahead! Now Pharfignewton! Daddy’s Little Angel!”

Brain was quiet, but from the twitch of his pointed ears and the way he leaned forward, Pinky knew he was just as invested in the race.

The camera centered on the finish line, but Pinky couldn’t tell who crossed first. Pharfignewton and Daddy’s Little Angel galloped offscreen just as the rest of the pack, led by Maximus, finished after them.

“WHAT’S THIS? PHARFIGNEWTON AND DADDY’S LITTLE ANGEL HAVE CROSSED THE FINISH LINE AT THE SAME TIME! TURNING THE FOOTAGE OVER FOR REVIEW SO WE CAN DECLARE THE WINNER!”

Pinky quickly found that crossing his toes while standing wasn’t the best idea. He fell flat on his face, but quickly pushed himself up on his elbows as the Derby logo flashed by and replayed the last few seconds of the race in slow motion.

Pharfignewton and Daddy’s Little Angel’s legs were just one giant blur next to the finish line, but the reel paused on a shot of Pharfignewton’s flaring nostril crossing the line before Daddy’s Little Angel’s front hooves touched it.

Pinky sucked in his breath.

“PHARFIGNEWTON HAS BEEN DECLARED THE WINNER! CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR VICTORY OVER THE 141ST KENTUCKY DERBY!”

“She did it! She did it! Lo hicimos, she did it!” Pinky jumped for joy, his heart soaring in excitement for Pharfignewton. She was three years old and she’d accomplished so much! He was super duper extra proud of her!

Brain rolled his eyes, but there was a tiny quirk at the corner of his mouth. “Yes, it seems all your supportive efforts have paid off.”

Pinky grinned and tore off a cardboard flap of the pizza box, dumped parmesan cheese all over it, and stuffed it into his mouth.

Nothing tasted better than a victory pizza box with parmesan!

“Want some?” Pinky offered a second flap to Brain. “It’s delicious!”

Brain made a gagging noise. “That can’t possibly be good for your digestive system, Pinky.”

Oh well. More for him then!

Pharfignewton’s back was draped with beautiful roses, her team of humans all rushing up and hugging her as journalists bombarded them all with questions and photographers snapped photo after photo of her horsey smile.

Daddy’s Little Angel trotted up to her with a flower crown in his mouth and dropped it onto her head, then drummed the ground steadily with a front hoof in his version of applause. All the other horses followed his lead. Even Spirit and Achilles’ Heel, who were being restrained by a team of trainers, gave their approval. Pharfignewton whinnied in delight, tossing back her head and showing off the beautiful crown.

She really was the best. Pinky clutched his chest, that warm gooshy feeling of love spreading throughout his body.

He couldn’t contain it much longer, and he picked up Brain to let it all out, and he danced around in joy with a squirming Brain in his arms.

“Pinky, I understand that this outcome is most favorable, but I demand that you cease this at once!” Brain complained.

But Pinky barely heard him. He was more interested in what Mr. Gardner had to say.

“Pharfignewton did an amazing job and we’re very proud of her,” Mr. Gardner said as he fed Pharfignewton an apple, which she gladly inhaled. “Running’s in her blood, and I’m sure she’s made her parents very proud in equine heaven. She’s definitely gonna take the Preakness and Belmont by storm.”

“You think she’s capable of gaining Triple Crown status?” the reporter asked.

Pharfignewton neighed loudly in her direction, messing up the reporter’s hair.

As the reporter struggled to fix it, Mr. Gardner smiled. “I think she made it clear that she takes what she wants.”

Two more races for the Triple Crown. Right.

Pinky stopped dancing, an odd but featherlight weight in his arms. In his excitement, he’d forgotten that Pharfignewton had to win the Preakness and Belmont for her dream to come true.

It wasn’t that she couldn’t do it. She was a swift runner and the best racehorse in the world. But she would be gone for several months. All the way on the other side of the country.

And he wanted her to achieve her dream so bad. To rank up there with the great racehorses of old.

“Pinky?” a voice choked.

He was accidentally squishing one of Brain’s antennae. Oops.

“Sorry, Brain,” Pinky quickly said, putting his friend down.

Instead of stepping away like Pinky expected, Brain remained where he was. Brain was too good at forming unreadable expressions. His pretty pink eyes seemed concerned though.

“This is a momentous occasion, isn’t it?” Brain asked. “Shouldn’t you be celebrating?”

Was that Selenian speak for happy?

Yeah, he was supposed to be happy. Pharfignewton won. He was really happy for her. He didn’t want Pharfignewton to think he was a bad friend because he was sad about not seeing her for a while.

“Of course I’m happy for her,” Pinky said. But it was flimsy even to his own mousey ears.

Brain didn’t seem convinced either. One hand awkwardly hovered in the space between them.

A little touch would be nice, and he held super still so Brain wouldn’t get spooked. But a tapping at the window broke Brain’s trance, and upon the sight of a hovering black camera with the Selenian logo on its side, he quickly pulled away.

“Correspondence from Snowball,” Brain said. His ears flattened briefly before returning to their normal position. Maybe he regretted breaking their closeness too. “I’m taking this.”

He wiped his fingers on a wet cloth before unlatching the window. The camera darted in once the window was open, its tripod claws dropping an unmarked envelope into Brain’s hands before flying off into the brilliant evening sky.

Well, it could’ve had pizza if it stayed just a little longer.

Pinky moved behind Brain as he tore open the envelope and unfolded the note inside, which was written in a neat script.

Pickup at seven pm tomorrow. Don’t be late.

-Snowball

“Well, it’s better than nothing,” Brain sighed. “I’ll make sure we have everything required for tomorrow night, Pinky.”

He didn’t wait for a reply. He only disappeared into a hidden drawer where all their belongings were stored.

The masquerade ball was important. He shouldn’t keep Brain from making sure they saved the invitation so they could get in.

And it would be nice to wear that beautiful dress Sharon picked out.

But there was an ache in his chest. One that gnawed at his heart, and he didn’t want that icky feeling gnawing at his heart. Pinky sat in front of the TV and focused on Pharfignewton’s happiness instead. He pushed away the pizza, the box tasting like cardboard on his tongue.

If she was happy, he was happy. And wasn’t that all he needed?

End AN: So as a little treat I snuck some fictional horse names in here. I mean, obviously you know Pharfignewton as Pinky’s equine girlfriend. Daddy’s Little Angel is the name of the horse Brain rode in the OG Animaniacs episode Jockey for Position.

Grand Chawhee’s name is a reference to All Dogs Go to Heaven. Tricky Mickey comes from the 1978 movie Casey’s Shadow, which I caught my family watching a few weeks ago and I just decided to borrow a name from the movie.

Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony, Maximus from Tangled, Black Beauty from the book of the same name, Spirit from the Dreamworks movie, and Achilles’ Heel is a reference to Phoebus’ horse in Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Mr. Legs’ name provided by Boxy. Thank you, Boxy. Snuck in Pinky actually eating a pizza box for ya lol.

Final placements for the Derby are:

1. Pharfignewton 2. Daddy’s Little Angel 3. Maximus 4. Grand Chawhee 5. Black Beauty 6. Rainbow Dash 7. Arabian Night 8. Friendly Neighborhood Racehorse 9. Mr. Legs 10. Maverick 11. Horsin’ Around 12. Tricky Mickey 13. Mayoneighase 14. Achilles’ Heel (never finished) 15. Spirit (never finished)

Next chapter will finally have the Masquerade Ball and boy do I have plans. It’ll definitely be longer than this one. But this chapter at least wraps up the Derby subplot.

#pinky and the brain #patb fanfiction #patb nova

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bardqueenofgallifrey · 7 years

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but a B99 Great British Bake Off AU

obviously this involves it being an American edition/season but that’s fine

all of the squad are contestants, as well as like, Doug Judy and a couple of others (maybe Figgis just for laughs idk)

Holt and Wuntch are the judges, Kevin and the Vulture are the presenters

Wuntch, weirdly, is the nice judge for the most part, cos it’s mainly just Holt she hates, Holt is the tougher judge that everyone wants a handshake off

they never agree on anything, coming to decisions is a NIGHTMARE which is how Kevin and the Vulture are unofficial judges behind the scenes

the Vulture is his usual awful self, slaps Jake’s ass off camera a lot, genuinely makes him really uncomfortable until Gina and Rosa notice at one point and threaten him until he agrees to stop

Kevin is the presenter who goes around and reassures people when they are freaking out

also he and Holt met in a baking class back in the day which is part of the reason they love baking so much (they bake together all the time at home)

Jake is the baker who literally has no fucking clue how he actually made it in bc he has no idea what he’s doing but somehow he just has a Knack and it always turns out amazing (with the exception of a couple of True Disasters)

Amy comes from a long line of amazing bakers and is hella competitive, and super meticulous with her recipes and all instructions, means she Stresses during the technicals but she does know her shit and she just has to keep reminding herself that it’s like an exam where she has to learn in advance and remember

Rosa relies on family recipes, says she cares about them more than the actual family members who made them, also goes with her own gut feeling (usually involves putting alcohol in the food if she’s not sure what’s missing)

Gina learned how to bake via trial and error and general self-discovery during a year where she was forced to stay at home and take things easy after she got hit by a bus (also usually the one putting alcohol in her food)

Terry loves baking for his kids and his wife and they’re his biggest fans, all of his bakes are inspired by them/done with them in mind, he gets teary on the show a lot

Charles is still his Foodie self, so he gets Very Intense about it all and is the one that tries all the super weird flavours

Hitchcock and Scully applied together and everyone’s fairly sure they just got picked for the comic relief but then occasionally one of them will actually bake something really good??

Jake falls in love with Amy during a peanut brownie challenge while they flirt over peanuts, he makes heart eyes at her for the whole competition after that, occasionally gets so distracted by how beautiful/adorkable she’s being that he fucks his bakes up

Gina falls in love with Rosa after seeing her punching her bread dough, spends the whole rest of the competition trying to pick her up, it starts to take priority over the actual baking and Kevin has Noticed and is subtly trying to help her out

Jake and Gina have been besties since the auditions so they start trying to help each other get their girls

aaand let’s not forget Doug Judy

aka Jake’s ex-best friend from high school, they used to be the baking bros and use cupcakes to pick up girls

until one day they were going for the same girl, so they both made stuff to impress her, and she said she preferred Jake’s but then Doug took the credit for them, and took her to prom only to stand her up

Jake has never forgotten and never forgiven

hasn’t made cupcakes since, too painful, too traumatic

which really fucks him up when they get a cupcake challenge

seriously like imagine him trash talking Judy and then they announce “cupcakes!!” and he does his melodramatic NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(you decide if he manages to nail it and beat Judy’s cupcakes yet again, or if he totally botches it bc nerves)

anyway at one point Jake gets the coveted Holt Handshake and he is so elated his entire life has just been made bc he has been watching the show for years and idolises him so much

Amy is the same and she is so horrifically jealous until Holt tries her food next and also gives her a handshake and then her and Jake just look at each other like “WHAAAT”

Jake comes over after and is so excited he just gives her this real big hug and it’s really Pure bc then he gets super embarrassed and awkward but she is like “oh no, he’s so cute, help I have been specifically Not Noticing That”

I have no idea who wins but Peraltiago and Dianetti and Holtzner are all in love and happy at the end

basically what I’m saying is can someone with the adequate baking and GBBO knowledge please write this AU I need it desperately

#b99 #brooklyn nine nine #peraltiago #dianetti #gbbo #gbbo au #fic ideas #please #i can't write it myself i don't know enough about baking #or GBBO really #i've only seen the most recent season

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mechagalaxy · 4 years

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John T Mainer 22840: Steiner Scouting

Steiner Scouting

There are some tropes that all commanders learn, some jokes that are so bad even Dad jokes seem reasonable in comparison. One of those just bit me in the ass this Clan Raid. It was my fault. The guys had been so good, so disciplined. You have to understand, fighting for Bronze in Division One is about not making mistakes. You have to fight smart rather than hard, because a whole lot of people who are just about your range but you don’t recognize (because they LIVE in division one and you don’t) are enough tougher than you that they might not notice you firing at them, which is good because you have better chances with Space Herpes than surviving their return fire.

My boys and girls were good, listened to the scouting reports, told of people who were unexpectedly tougher than normal, or lacking honour guard and softer than expected. We fought a good war, a smart war, and now Evil Santa descended upon us with Figgy Pudding and Frosty, leaving a trail of shattered bases and panic filled communications intercepts. We were the Bouncing Blue Berserkers, Division 1 brought some responsibilities; where Santa fell upon the lesser factions, it was ours to intervene. Let him test himself against Division One, see how Evil Santa fares against Abominable, see how he does not that Winter Is Coming, and for shites and giggles, see how Santa looks battling Pink Fluffy Unicorns.

I ordered the Berserkers to advance, Took the beacon in hand and drove it into the ground, activating the thumper. Signals pulsed from its candycane shaped pulse summoning the Raid, summoning Evil Santa and all the forces at his command. Now, what the hell were we facing? Time for some scouting.

“Santa is coming, Berserkers, SCOUTS OUT!”

I know what I thought I would get, but I had opened the bar at the close of the war, and that madman Werewolf had been caught spiking our Stim Packs and Combat Enhancers with Everclear. I have no idea what Lokki sprinkled on the Gingerbread Cookies but everyone who ate one started giggling and saying some weird things once the energy hit their system. Bottom line, the boys and girls had been holding hard to their discipline and were ready to cut loose, then we drugged them to the eyeballs, and sent them out to scout. I should have known what would happen. The first report rolled in.

What I should have got goes like this:

Contact report, (figures) mecha makeup as follows (list of types by mass with numbers of each). Followed by a quick and dirty take on the sensor sweep of their supply dump for possible loot. What I got was….well this.

The first clue, bad, I mean comic book bad German accents.

“Heinrick here, zee enemy is on fire”

“Dieter here, zee village is liberated, also on fire”

“Gretta here, stealth has been achieved, no one is left alive to notice us. Ve are very very stealthy!”

I looked at the raid total, and the numbers were scrolling past faster than I could clock them. My Bouncing Blue Berserkers were going berserk. Go figure, my scouts were not taking light formations to probe the enemy, they were taking their heaviest formations right down the middle and ripping arms off enemy mecha to beat the next rank flat with.

I hammered my mecha foot in rage as I climbed up towards the cockpit, screaming, probably futilely to get my boys and girls to give me a fracking scouting report with some actual information.

“Berserker Actual to frigging idiots, I need a breakdown of enemy numbers, type and composition. Now give me a frigging PROPER SCOUTING REPORT!”

I was halfway to my cab when the next wave of reports came in.

Even worse German accents this time, but technically what I asked for.

“Achtung! Enemy numbers are declining, I count them, one by one, but then they are broken, and I have to count again! Type is crunchy, composition, they are made of whirly bits, sparkly bits, and burny bits, held together by crunchy bits. Once you open them up, the whirly bits get sparkly and turn burny, it is very hard to tell them apart after that! Scouting is very difficult!”

I started to laugh, hanging onto my chain ladder just steps from my cockpit, and the next wave of reports came in.

“Friedrick here, my cockpit is full of bees, also, someone is shooting at me!”

“Mariea here, Friedrick turn left thirty degrees, you are about to step on the orphanage…..never mind, just stay straight and fire, once you run hot enough the bees will leave”

“Fritz here, I think it is hailing, there is something banging against my cockpit, also it is hard to see. I will keep scouting”

“Freidrick here, the bees are gone! Also the enemy is on fire and probably don’t notice me, I am a very good scout ja?

“Mariea here, Fritz, lean forward and sprint would you?”

“Ja Mariea, I will. Fritz here, command I have an update, it is NOT hailing, I had an Antithesis on my head, but it is OK, I rammed it into a Bismark, but now both are broken. I don’t know where I am, but everyone is on fire, or broken in very small pieces, so I too have achieved stealth. Scouting is fun!”

Laughing hard, I made it to the cockpit and jacked in, powering my Paladin and taking my force into the fray, fangs out and hair on fire. I could have given orders, but what the hell, I was just as tired of playing safe and fighting smart as the rest of my command. I gave the war cry my Faction had decided would be our unofficial doctrine of the day.

“STEINER SCOUT LANCE!” I screamed as I charged into the foe. Cutting loose with all my guns, I fired as fast as my weapons would cycle, I fought as fast as I could run between formations, fighting when I had taken so much damage my nanobot repair and medbots got a little confused and fused my pilot battlesuit and cockpit, I would have to cut myself out of my clothes to leave the cockpit. I had the muzzle of a Krampuslights fused into my cockpit armourplas, hey if its intact, I am totally keeping it, but right now it was healed in place. I fired and fired until I felt my mecha break through the ice of the Yukon river and steam exploded around my thighs as my red hot armour flash cooled. I was through the whole of the formation. I looked at my counter and it sulked back at me “Kill cap reached”

Christine called on the commlink. “Can I get a scouting report”

“Jawol mein frauline!” I replied. “None of zee enemy can see me, ze are all dead. I am a good scout ja? Also out of ammunition. I am excellent Steiner scout!” Her reply was quite unprintable.

John T Mainer 22840

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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Archer Season 11 Gets Release Date and Trailer

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Sterling Archer is ready to return to the land of the living…finally.

After originally being scheduled for a May release, Archer season 11 was pulled from the schedule due to the coronavirus pandemic. Now, FXX has revealed the updated release date for the show during its Comic-Con@Home panel.

Archer season 11 is set to arrive on September 16, 2020. Two new episodes will air at 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. ET. The season will feature eight episodes. In a first for the show, episodes will be available the next day on FX on Hulu.

FXX was also nice enough to unveil the season 11 trailer alongside the release date announcement.

Archer appears to be back in the saddle and no worse for wear, aside from the use of a very cool tactical cane. It even seems as though the show has returned to Archer’s original offices…though presumably it won’t have the same “ISIS” name.

While season 11 has been a long wait for Archer fans, it’s been an even longer wait for Sterling Archer himself. Recall that the superspy has not actually been in the land of the living since 2016 when Archer season 7 ended. That year concluded with Archer riddled with bullets, face down in a Hollywood pool. The following seasons featured Archer’s elaborate “coma” dreams.

Season 8 was Archer: Dreamland, a noir-tinged hardboiled detective story. Season 9 was Archer: Danger Island, a swashbuckling adventure. Season 10 was Archer: 1999, an Alien-esque space story. In Archer season 11, however, Sterling is finally returning to both the real world and the spy world. Per FXX’s plot description:

“While many things changed during his absence, Archer is confident it will take just a little time for him to reset things back to the old ways. The problem: does the rest of the team want that? Everyone else has been doing pretty well and may not be ready for his return to throw a wrench in their well-oiled machine.

The old ways are pretty gosh darn destructive for Archer. He’ll probably be back in a coma in no time.

Archer stars H. Jon Benjamin as the titular spy. The rest of the cast is made up of Aisha Tyler as fellow spy Lana, Chris Parnell as the newly confident Cyril Figgis, Amber Nash as former (and maybe current?) HR director Pam Poovey, Judy Greer as the “surprisingly well-adjusted” Cheryl/Carol Tunt, Adam Reed as the exhausting Ray, Lucky Yates as truly mad scientist Krieger, and Jessica Walter as Archer’s mother Mallory.

The post Archer Season 11 Gets Release Date and Trailer appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/30IB7hD

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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ozma914 · 4 years

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Questioning Christmas Songs

This was first published in my weekly column, way back in 2011. And yet, the songs remain the same.

I was going to do something serious for my Christmas writing this year. It’s a serious time; besides, as I write this there’s a special on Discovery about various disasters that could destroy the world.

Way to get into the holiday spirit, Discovery!

The Wreath of KHAAAANNNNNN!!!!

But serious times are when we need to lighten up the most. That’s why all those great movie musicals were popular during the Great Depression; it might also explain the popularity of the TV show Glee, one of the most profoundly unserious shows since Gilligan’s Island, even when it’s dealing with real issues. And that’s a great segue, because Glee does more song and dance numbers than a Congressional hearing, and as it happens I want to talk about Christmas songs.

If you can’t make fun of Christmas songs, what can you make fun of? So let’s take a look at some popular ones:

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”: I’ve mentioned this song before – I call it “Santa Stalker”. He sees you when you’re sleeping … he knows when you’re awake … he knows when you’ve been bad or good … and he’s coming to town. No doubt he’ll be bringing his equally scary pals, the Boogeyman and the IRS Agent.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: Well. At least now we know why he’s coming to town. This is on that unique list of Christmas songs that, when you really pay attention, are the equivalent of an AMC Original Series: suitable for adults only.

“Jingle Bell Rock”: I included this out of historical interest, because it’s one of the first rock and roll Christmas songs. It seems quaint now, but at the time it was probably scandalous to the more traditional fans. If someone’s idea of a modern Christmas song was “The Hallelujah Chorus”, that guitar opening must have been a shock.

“Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow”: See above about adult Christmas songs; this one is basically the story of a guy who’s using bad weather as an excuse to make some time with his stranded companion. Also, it doesn’t actually mention Christmas in any way, which puts it into another category: songs about Christmas that – aren’t.

But at least it’s better than “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, in which the guy bypasses trying to talk his girl into the sack and spikes her drink, instead. Listen to those lyrics and you’ll get never let someone else mix your drink again.

“This Christmas”: Last Christmas she gave him her heart, and the very next day he gave it away. Wait. He gave her heart away? So … he made her fall in love with someone else? Well, you can understand the singer being a little mixed up, considering she’s spending her Christmas as a heartbroken mess.

“The Twelve Days of Christmas”: This is one of those songs that are so old people don’t really understand what they mean anymore. (See: figgy puddings.) Your true love gave you … maids milking? French hens? Where do you even get lords leaping? Do they have to have union cards?

But of course, the big problem with this one is that it’s twelve days long.

“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”: Let me break this song down for you: It’s about a bullied kid with a serious birth defect whose haters decide to like him after it turns out he has a superpower that saves the day. Okay. Why did Stan Lee never turn this into a Marvel comic? Or was Spider-Man enough?

“Blue Christmas”: Only Elvis Presley really pulled off this iconic story of a depressed man who’s miserable all through the holidays. Probably the most down Christmas song ever, with the possible exception of “Christmas Shoes”, a song I can’t listen to all the way through to this day.

“Christmas Dragnet”: Funniest Christmas song ever – at least, if you’re familiar with Jack Webb’s old “Dragnet” TV series. I steal the funniest line of that song for my own purposes whenever I can get away with it … and no, I’m not going to tell you what it is. If you don’t listen to the song, you’ll still believe I thought it up myself.

"We'll find that Grinch, ma'am."

“Little St. Nick.” It’s actually not a bad song, but the very idea of The Beach Boys singing about a winter holiday … you have to picture them belting it out on a beach, wearing shorts with red and green Hawaiian shirts, surrounded by bikini ladies in Santa hats. Which … now that I think on it, that’s not a bad way to spend Christmas.

“Jingle Bells”: A nice, traditional Christmas song … except when done by the Singing Dogs. Whose bright idea was that, and what’s next? Cats screeching out “Feliz Navidad”?

“Snoopy’s Christmas”: A flying dog engaged in a bloody fight to the death with a vicious World War 1 German ace. Merry Christmas, my friend!

“The Chipmunk Song”: Again, whose bright idea was that? ‘Cause the guy should’ve gotten a medal for spawning an empire that’s cranking out cash to this day. I’m thinking about doing a version of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – with helium.

“White Christmas” and “Silent Night”: They tie for being close to the perfect Christmas songs. If you can listen to them without getting teared up and – at least inwardly – singing along, you have no heart. Maybe you gave it away Last Christmas.

“Santa Baby”: Top on the list of inappropriate Christmas songs. To this day, Santa can’t hear any version without having to take a cold shower.

And finally, the single most ridiculous Christmas song ever can only be:

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”.

Nothing says Christmas like a hit and run sleigh driver smearing an elderly lady across the sidewalk. Maybe Snoopy should be hired to bring Santa down?

Makes me wish I hadn’t forgot my medication.

"We're just standing by in case Grandma goes out again this year."

#Christmas #holidays #Christmas music #music #humor

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driveneed17-blog · 5 years

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Chris Parnell Is the Best Supporting Chris

Welcome to TV Guide's 12 Days of Chris-Mas, a festive celebration of famous dudes named Chris. Every day leading up to Dec. 25, we will honor a single Chris, counting down to the best Chris of the year. Today, that honor goes to Chris Parnell, the eighth best Chris.

Chris Parnell has been the secret weapon in most of the good comedies of the past 15 or so years, and has been the best part of most of the bad ones, too. I could walk you through some highlights, and I will: grown-ish, Rick and Morty, Archer, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Hot Rod, Anchorman. He was in "Lazy Sunday," one of the most important pieces of comedy of the century so far (seriously). He was the only actor to not crack up in the legendary "More Cowbell" Saturday Night Live sketch. He played Dr. Leo Spaceman on 30 Rock, arguably the funniest character on a show where every character was the funniest character.

He's one of the most prolific actors in Hollywood (both live-action and voiceover) because he is the embodiment of a trope: the seemingly average, white, suburban, middle-aged man who's actually pathetic or oblivious or hypersexual or a cosmically weird blend of all three. His voice sounds trustworthy and authoritative, so of course everything he says is delightfully peculiar. Chris Parnell has become shorthand for the unhinged Everyman. He's so good at what he does that he and Andy Daly have a virtual duopoly on the category.

However, Parnell has never had a live-action leading role. Stating it baldly like that, it sounds disappointing, but it's actually fine, because a lead role would undercut his essential Chris Parnell-ness. His gift is as a supporting player. He shows up, steals the scene but also makes his scene partners look good, and gets out. He's a specialist. He's like Steve Kerr, coming off the bench and making championship teams even better, only instead of draining threes he makes sexually inappropriate comments and wildly inaccurate statements.

12 Days of Chris-Mas, Explained

Not that I wouldn't welcome Parnell in a lead role, or in any role that allows him to showcase more range. I'm sure he would be great, because comic actors as good as Parnell can often do a lot. He has depths we have not seen him fully explore yet. But there's something to be said for finding what you're good at and sticking to it.

In closing, I will now transcribe a few of Chris Parnell's most iconic lines, which will make you laugh just by reading them because you'll hear how he said them in your head:

"I happen to be a kickass accountant." -- Cyril Figgis, Archer

"F--- cats!" -- Theo, Walk Hard

"Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to your hotel room and blow my brains out over your naked bodies." -- Jerry Smith, Rick and Morty

"If you want the shot, you're going to have to dance for it." -- Dr. Leo Spaceman, 30 Rock

"Let's go start makin' another one!" -- Tom, Saturday Night Live

"Poop! Poop mouth! Poop out of your mouth!" -- Garth, Anchorman

I rest my case.

Source: http://www.tv.com/news/chris-parnell-is-the-best-supporting-chris-15451524170000978/

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rassasassalin · 6 years

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Merry Christmas, everyone! Especially for the poor folks that have to work during the holidays.

Dude, I'm gonna cry at the first fucking sign I see tonight being a get well soon Dean one. I mean, I love it, but also I'm in serious emotional pain here.

On a totally separate note, Corey and Booker are looking Hella.

On an even separater note, what is with the bees sign.

Goddammit John Cena stop doing sweet things like this I want to be annoyed at how you're never going to be a fucking heel even though you should be.

...them doing Christmas in Chicago worries me. Hopefully the crowd will be nice tonight?

WHOO, ELIAS, WHOO!!! -also happy rusev day to the dude holding that sign, a happy rusev day to us all- I love when he does his drifter thing. I mean, I like him being in the center of the ring too, but I really like it when he walks and plays at the same time.

Elias: WWE stands for Walk With Elias Everyone else: Oh shit, he's right!

Welp. 7 minutes in. Couldn't go for fucking 7 minutes with a CM Punk Chant. ANd poor Elias is wrong. Even when he's not here, Punk's gonna end up interrupting.

I really love Elias. I can't believe how much I love Elias and Cena interacting. Holy shit. Holy shit. I can't wait til that gets gifed. Elias is a Gift. Chicago wasn't even booing about how shitty Chicago is. Chicago knows. Cena, nobody was booing, what are you doing- I mean, I know what you're doing, but still. Cena, It's Chicago, they ARE jerks.

Are we gonna get a Christmas Carol with Elias? Because I would hella watch an Episode of Raw where Elias is Scrooge and has to deal with various Ghosts of Christmas to teach him the true meaning of Christmas.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD, ELIAS IS THE BEST, WHAT A MAN No, Elias you dumbfuck, don't keep going after Cena, he's down, leave the fucking ring before gets up and kills yo- oh no, not a match, Elias you were doing so good now you're going to loooooooooooose because you're being an asshole and it's Christmas. Babe, you giant hipster asshole, why couldn't you have just given the suckerpunch and left while you were in control and winning?

Sometimes I forget how strong Elias is. I don't know how I manage to do that, because look at the fucking man, but I do. Maybe it's the scarves. Or the cut of his jeans. Probably the cut of his jeans. If he wore normal jeans, I'd think he looks like a brawny lumberjack viking hybrid. But his jeans are way too much something I'd see someone wearing in Starbucks.

Things I hope Elias doesn't do tonight: Tap. He can get pinned, he can pass out, but I really don't want him to quit.

Yep, a pin. Well, you know what, It was a good match. Elias looked awesome in it, so I'll take it. A heel, after all, is only as good as the Faces they can be beaten by. Not counting the David and Goliath kind of flukes, which are great when they happen but not common.

Give Seth Samoa Joe, Kurt. Jason, shut up, I appreciate you but let Seth have his revenge which is more pressing than your own. Kurt, don't make Seth team with Jason. He can't team with that face. Fuck, I miss Dean. Seth looks so tired tho, seriously, is he doing okay? Holy shit Roman paid off Kurt so HE could get Joe all to himself. Roman. Roman, did you talk to your Shieldmate about thhhhHHHAAAAAAAA CRUISERWEIGHTS

Kendrick! JACK! KENDRICK VS HIDEO!!!!! Jack's little eye rolls are adorable. I love heel Jack. He's like an old Bond Villain. I love posh and technically polite but definitely Heel Brits. It's a cliched trope but it's so good when it's played right. It reminds me of Regal when I was watching him and I was old enough to really appreciate his character.

Jack please, behave yourself so you don't get killed by a knee. I'd really appreciate if you stay around because I love you and I don't want you dead.

Things that bother me about wrestling: when wrestlers roll down their kneepads or take off their elbowpads when they're about to hit a move. I always worry about them hurting themselves when they do it. Always. Everytime.

I'm reminded now how much I really liked Steph's outfit last week. I don't think I even really noticed it at the time, because I was thinking too much about what was happening in the ring, and what was to come, but now definitely, I can sit back and be like, damn, I wish I could pull that look off.

...oooooh nooooo the rumble's in phillllllly shittttt

AW THEY'RE SO FUCKING CUTE I LOVE BO AND CURTIS And.... they're actually not that bad at singing??? Wow. I'd give them some figgy pudding. Merry Mizmas, everyone, and a Happy Rusev Day~

I love when Paige's entrance is going, and she comes out and the lights hit her just right and she looks like she's tinted purple. Makes her look like she could be a villainess in a comic book.

You know one day, maybe they'll actually go full circle with the whole story about Bailey not going to be able to really go all out like she should in the ring as far as going "hardcore" goes, and she's going to do it by murdering all the other female wrestlers around, beating them with kendo sticks until she breaks them- the sticks, that is, not the other wrestlers- and knocking them around with chairs and shit, and then she ends up ruling the women's division with an iron hug on ECW- which will totally exist again by this time and Dean will be the face of it so that he can let his mouth go and do the wrestling that he does best but just not quite as hardcore because let's be real I don't want him actually seriously getting hurt and/or cutting himself or his opponents open anymore, but there should be a nice balance that can be reached between nasty looking bumps and staying safe.

Things that always makes me wince with women's wrestling: when a chick just faceplants straight onto the mat. It makes my tits hurt just thinking about it.

Oh wow, okay, I didn't think a heel would win tonight. Curious. But then, Absolution can't really loose right now, fair enough. It'd kill their momentum.

STOP FUCKING SHOWING DEAN GETTING HURT. Goddammit WWE why do you do this to me, I used to know that if someone actually got hurt, I'd know because you wouldn't show it. Now you're like, hey no, let's watch it against thirty-two times, let's watch it again now in Slow Motion. You did this to me when Enzo nearly died, you did this to me when Cesaro fucked up his teeth, you did it when Seth destroyed Cena's nose, I just really fucking don't appreciate this.

Renee: Hey Joe, you wanna apologize to me for fucking up my husband.

Joe: Dean can be home with those he loves the most. Renee, his actual wife, who is not at home with him at Christmas: ..................

Heath, baby, why didn't you get your kids christmas presents??? Rhyno, why are you trying to kill Heath? This was not what I was picturing when you said you were going to toughen up Heath. I was hoping for like, Rocky training montages. Bring in Bob Backland again. Maybe making him eat a whole bunch of crackers without anything to drink. This is ridiculous, and by that, I mean not nearly ridiculous enough.

HELL YEAH RHYNO KICK HIS ASS OH NO RHYNO welp. It was a good attempt.

Trying to figure out if I like the sound of *Merry* Rusev Day. Like, it's not grammatically incorrect, but maybe it's like how you never say Merry Holidays because it just sounds wrong. Merry Hollidays makes me flinch and cringe and want to cry out in confusion. Merry Rusev Day doesn't kick me in the gut quite like that, but it also doesn't really roll off the tongue, so... Hmm. Must think on it.

Holy shit, Curt Hawkins. Maybe give him a win as a christmas miracle??? Nevermind, It's Finn.

Jesus Christ, why are they having Finn fighting Curt on CHRISTMAS. They really, honestly, don't know what to do with him, do they?

Concept: They use the fact that Finn is obviously being misused and that we all know that Vince doesn't believe in him, to turn him heel. But only heel to those who work for the company. Like, the same but opposite of Roman, where everyone who works for the company treats him like a face despite when he does very heel things like TRYING TO MURDER A MAN WITH A MOTOR VEHICLE, I LOVE YOU ROMAN BUT YOU STILL DID THAT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SUFFERED NO CONSEQUENCES FOR THAT, ATTEMPTED MURDER SHOULD AT LEAST GET A TITLE SHOT TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU. Seriously tho, heels and faces are changing, they have been for a long time now, the fact that they keep making Heels that have valid points and grievances so the fans are actually sympathetic to them, and we have the people in charge to make that sort of stuff work. It'd just be like, the next step up from what happened in the Attitude Era with Stone Cold and Vince- in that Austin was clearly NOT a GOOD guy, but he was the lesser of two evils, and if I had to choose who to cheer for between him and McMahon, I'd be cheering for the Rattlesnake every time.

One of the Bella's is so making a return during the women's royal rumble and I'm not really excited about it.

BOYS LEAVE GOLDUST ALONE It looks like they got that DVD out of the dollarbin, omg.

Titus, you're beautiful, never change

Oh god, here we go, time for me to love and cry and be uncomfortable and laughing all at the same time. Nice to know that Sister Abigail was a scrooge. More things I don't really like- how they keep doing promos but they're not going at in or around the ring. I feel like they're hyping it up and it's never going to live up to OH MY GOD NEVER MIND BRAY'S ACTUALLY HERE, BRAY MY LOVE, MY DARLING SWAMP SANTA CULT LEADER God I hope when Bray and Matt have their showdown- which obviously must happen on neutral grown between their home compounds- they have like, an actual army on both sides that they can lead. I want a whole hoard of sheepmasks and people wearing clothing made out of brocades and couch covers and shit using shields made of old broken down rowboats. Things I miss from TNA: Matt being able to teleport and shit.

...Guys, I love you, I adore the Bar you set, but that's messed up guys. oh ouch guys, come on, Kurt obviously wants him as his kid, that's harsh, dang.

Oh MAN I HOPE MUSTAFA'S IN THAT STREET FIGHT HE WAS SO FUN DURING THE HALLOWEEN MATCH DUDE. ALSO, maybe a return of Street Drew? Pff, ehehe, "street" drew. What a dweeb. I love him.

....WHERE IS Oh my god. Oh my gooooooooooooood.... Drew.. Drew, why do you let him do this to you? I mean, I like the jacket, it's much nicer than Davari's, but- HE"S GOT NAUGHTY AND NICE ON HIS TAPE AND NOW I ACTUALLY WANT TO CALL HIM SUGARPLUM, dammit Enzo don't make me- LOOK AT DREW APOLOGIZING FOR ENZO TALKING SHIT ABOUT COLE, EVEN THOUGH COLE WAS SO MEAN TO HIM WHEN HE WAS A GUEST COMMENTATOR!!!!!!

New Year, new cruiserweight Champion? One can only hope.

Elf Drew half standing on the second rope, le gasp. What a brave bab- TOZAWA'S WEARING CHRISTMAS COLORS

Aw, Gulak lost his jacket. I really do wish that they had Davari wrestle more. I love hating his character, and it feels like I never actually get to see him do shit anymore.OH SHIT DREW, NO!!!!! CEDRIC, I LOVE YOU, BUT WHY DID YOU LET DRWE RUN INTO ENZO LIKE THAT, DREW'S GONNA GET IN TROUBLE FOR THAT, STOPPING GETTING DREW IN TROUBLE, HE CAN GET INTO ENOUGH OF THAT BY HIMSELF. That camera work was honestly not great during this match tho, honestly, I feel like I missed so much during it??? But we can ignore all that and be thankful for being able to see Drew Gulak with his naughty and nice fists, and getting to see Tozawa being festive, and Cedric getting a win over Enzo, and most importantly, Mustafa getting a win in his hometown. Savor it, because that shit doesn't happen every day in the WWE.

Why do they gotta fucking hamfist this fucking shit with Nia and Enzo? Why couldn't they like, ease into it? I can't. I literally can't even watch this shit, I can't, I'm embarrassed by it all OH THANK GOD ALEXA, BEST COCKBLOCK thank you from saving from that. I think I wouldn't hate it quite so much if they didn't both "How y'doin'?" to each other so much, there's something about how it clearly doesn't come easy to her to say it and it the script is so hokey and it's not like, charming hokey. It's less well written than the stuff they did between Enzo and Lana, and that's saying something.

Roman kills me when he holds the belt like that. If he was an actual heel, and treated like a heel, and he was doing it because he doesn't give a shit about the title, then that'd be fine. That'd be good character work.

Nice drive by by Roman tho. That's good shit. That's what I came to see. Also, i could totally be wrong, absolutely wrong here because I don't have the volume up very high, but was the crowd chanting for the Bruiserweight? I might just have UK Wrestling on my mind and am hearing things wrong. God, I want a weekly UK show. Even a monthly one. I'd put up with once a month as long as at least every three months, I get to see Dunne and Bates fight. Joe does such a great Uranage. And the way he flies through the ropes. Who gave such a hoss of a man the right to be so nimble? Yes, thank you Book, nine months without Dean, that's fucking great. On the plus side, when he comes back, oh the Pop. He's gonna get such a pop.

Ah yes, see? Roman doing heel things despite being a Face. You can't go messing with the ref's, my sweet. If he was just going to go and kill Joe, he might as well have invited Seth to join in with him. SHUT UP COREY DEAN'S CAREER IS FINE They've been using the steel steps a lot lately. And fucking with people's throats. Does somebody on the writing team have an odd kink? I mean, I'm not super complaining- well, I'll complain about the throat things just because I feel like it's too easy for mess up and really seriously hurt someone like that, and also because the coughing gagging noises the guys tend to make afterward sets off my own gag reflex and I hate that-, because it could definitely be worse. It's not a something on a Pole match, at least, but... eh.

Beating the Bah, Seth? What a cute. YOU WHAT MOTHERFUCKER???? JASON OFFICIALLY HEEL, OFFICIAL HEEL Also glad to see, upon closer inspection, that Seth doesn't actually look totally exhausted, it's just that he has a bit of a lingering bruise around the eye. Maybe a bit of a shiner.

Welcome Back, Bo and Curtis, you lovely gifts you. WHOO! Singalong~ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO MY BABIES THEY AIN'T BEEN DOING NOTHING BUT SINGING NICE CAROLS AND GIVING OUT GIFTS TONIGHT Rip, Bo, you were killed by a beautiful clothesline. Curtis is going to break his neck again, gonna have to go back to wearing the brace. Okay Braun, you won, no please just leave the ring and not continue to murder my boys, don't be a grinch, don't be a grINCH BRAUN PLEASE STOP LISTENING TO THE CROWD, DAMMIT just leave my trash boys lay there dead, you're making this a very bad Rusev Day for them.

Bliss looks like she's gonna cry, awwww... Ah, yes, there it is, there's my Asuka's Gonna Kill You chant. Love that chant. Probably more than I should. YES! YES!!!!! I always want Asuka to kick people in the face after she explains to them that they ain't ready for her, and HERE WE ARE! She made me wait for it, but I forgive her.

I give about as much of a fuck about what Brock feels about anything as Brock gives a fuck about Slater's kids. But I'll look forward to seeing Paul

STOP. FUCKING. SHOWING. THAT. SHIT. WITH. DEAN. THANK. YOU. KINDLY.

So, it's not that I have a problem with Jordan turning heel. It's pretty much the clear turn, you know. But I don't like how there doesn't seem to be a reason... why? Like he went from "I'm gonna prove myself Dad!" and going toe to toe with some hella talent, to "Daaaaaaaaad, gimme a maaaaatch...!" to "I'm the best in the world, you should be honored to get to wrestle with me" with like... Well, between the first two there was a reason-ish, with him trying to fight even though he was hurt and because he kept losing and kept getting hurt he had to start whining to get his way. But there was no lead up to this point now. We haven't got to see anyone telling him how good he is, inflating his ego- like, a female who maybe wanted to get better chances at the belt so she starts hooking up with Jordan to try and get good with Kurt or get back at him, like Emma had threatened that one time, that would be something that makes sense- or him getting some cheap fluke wins that he makes out to mean more than they are and he starts to think he's an A superstar instead of a C+ to B one, you know? Now he's all swaggering around talking about how he's better than Ambrose? Who was just hurt last week? To the man's tag team partner who is also his brother? Are you shiting me??? It all feels so inorganic.

I hate when Sheamus doesn't do all ten beats. Like, I know so many other people are ingrates, but I've always adored you Sheamus, why are you punishing *me*, personally? Because that's what that is. It's a personal attack against myself.

Crowd's looking at something, what are they- Ah, yes, Jordan got up, okay. Jordan is definitely physically impressive. I'm looking forward to the point in time when they make his character less obnoxious.

Fuck me, I love when Cesaro does the sharpshooter.

I... um.......... So what I'm getting out of this is.... When Deano comes back, he's going to come back as a well beloved, Austin-like Heel as he makes Jason Jordan's life a living hell for having the balls to take his title? This is... interesting? hmmm....

#wwe raw #monday night raw #sassin about rasslin #merry mizmas to all and to all a swell rusev night #that was super lame i apologize

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fledglingdoodles · 9 months

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I completed this comic page in the sweet spot after EVERY and am queuing this up just days before season 2 drops, so in case it turns out that the real EVERY is disappointing to me, this is the Real Every That Lives In My Head. What’s it like living in a post-season 2 world, everybody??

#good omens #good omens fanart #good omens comic #good omens season 2 #good omens season 2 spoilers #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #figgy does art #figgy does comics

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fledglinger · 15 days

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Foiled Again!

Champion Chapter 1, Page 8 is up!

#comic #comic art #queer comics #illustration #figgy does art #figgy does comics #champion

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40ozmotet · 7 years

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Joe & Sam

He was 15 when I met him. I was about ten years older. We both had much to hide, but it didn’t show on our faces that day.

In full confession, I state that I was a founder, a lead, a performer convinced that I was greater than my worth in an Evangelical Christian troop that specialized in puppets (?!), creative movement (Southern Baptists don’t dance), and the occasional short drama (we somehow legitimized ourselves by never saying ‘skit’). It was the mid 1990’s, and we were hosting a festival / competition at a rural Methodist church very close to southern Alabama. Comfortable in a pulpit, I emcee'ed the open competition. Large for his age, he sat in a pew two-thirds of the way back wedged to his diminutive beaming mother (she originally of Yazoo, Mississippi - search Jerry Clower and Zig Ziglar for reference as she shared personality and hometown with both) and cradling green felt named Wendell.

I introduced him (though knowing nothing of him) as if we had toured the Vaudeville circuit together. Nothing could be closer to the truth.

He performed as ventriloquist with Wendell serving more as a recalcitrant alter-ego to the straight-arrow Kermit the frog that was Sam (not his name, but you get the idea). That day I marveled at his immense talent even masked in his stale patter with an ugly puppet.

Fast forward: Sam’s family, which would also include a kindly if dense father and an unremarkable (painfully so) older brother would come to join the South Cinco Baptist Church (the fictitious name I gave a real church in so many poems and ravings). Sam would join our performance squad. I’d know of him closer through machinations of the cuñado (then not related) and with the company of a fourth (another story there about a tiny 4 yo girl I held as a young teen, later become friends with as we grew to adulthood, and now barely keep up with via Instagram – much more story here, but it is mostly the cuñado’s) We’d regularly meet on Saturday mornings, the four of us (two teens, two men) and write stories, scripts and improvise with puppets. The cuñado was a news station camera man then so we’d make short VHS and super-8 films, sneaking into the news station late at night to edit. The South Cinco Baptist Church tapped us to create edifying Bible-based puppet plays which we did, secretly creating parallel irreverent bits that involved purple Hector the crooked evangelist, Malcolm the bald dancing chorister, Neurotta the pink fluffy depressive who toured late night talk shows, and Janet the church pianist with an obsession for figgy pudding. Eventually the new youth minister would call upon us to write and perform Wednesday night youth services in a pseudo-Saturday Night Live format. We did. But then Sam began to fade from the picture (his older brother, David, at last seizing some limelight). And I began to drift - first to the Episcopal church and then into a second marriage and Ohio. Meanwhile, the artist, the cuñado, and I kept encouraging Sam to connect with the Muppets (he had - and still has - that kind of talent). He finally did send in an audition tape partially including our late night editings. Kevin Clash called him personally. He was invited to perform Harry Monster for Disneyworld in Tokyo. He moved to Orlando for college. He did (and still does, I think) work as a performer in MGM Studios there. Fast forward again: I’m living in Ohio with first child in the way. Sam, who rarely contacts via email, suddenly writes me about this amazing book. He goes on and on about the magic, the Vaudeville, the comic books. The thing is he never reads. Not even comic books (that’s much more the cuñado’s milieu). In past he’s only read biography of George Burns and Bob Hope. I must read this book. I check it out from the library. I make it halfway through before I have to return. I don’t comment back even though I really like what I read. Fast forward again: Since then, Sam’s father dies suddenly of a heart attack (Sam would stoically discover his father in a recliner.) The artist (sometimes Sam seemed to pine for her) grew up, married, and moved to Philadelphia. Sam would keep closer contact with the cuñado, and so he clumsily and obliquely eventually came out to cuñado and my sister. Now as I read the book Sam tried to press on me long before he openly came out, I realize he tried to do so through my reading a book recommended by someone who never reads. Like Joe, I only kind of got it.

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