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moonlit-positivity · 2 months

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What Does PTSD Hypervigilance Look Like?

Tw: activating language, body triggers, nervous system dysregulation, & fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses listed below. Please read with care.

Constantly checking outside by slightly peeking out the hole in the blinds so no one knows youre looking out the window

Listening & memorizing footstep patterns of those who live with you

Memorizing schedules & when people leave the house to know when you can move through the house alone

Tip-toeing or walking in a certain way to make your steps have less noise

Holding your breath or controlling your breathing to make as little noise as possible

Being extra aware of how everything is laid out on the table, where every single item in the pantry, fridge, etc is so when you take something you can put it back undisturbed

Eating food or taking things out of the fridge in a way that makes it seem like you never took anything out

Being constantly aware of how loud your own body is (ie chewing too loud, breathing too loud, walking too loud, not laughing, not crying, mastering the art of being silent)

Making sure the TV was on the same channel/app it was before you turned it on (this one's for us older gens, before we had these smart TVs there was a time when analog TV left a trail of previously watched channels so you'd have to wipe the remote clean before you got caught)

Erasing texts

Having people stored in your phone under false contacts bc your parents/abusers/etc would search your phone

Not able to keep personal photos on your phone for same reasons

Not being able to keep things in your room bc your parents would search your room

Not being able to keep things hidden in your backpack either for the same reasons

Keeping everything hidden at school or asking someone else's to keep them

Not able to keep a diary or journal bc someone would read it even if you asked them not to they wouldn't care and read it anyway

Not having a door on your room or having the door removed

Being told you have no privacy because you "belong" to them

Erasing your tracks with everything you do

Listening for car noises, car door slams, and memorizing the way the engine sounds so you can instantly hear when people get home

Memorizing car sounds or always looking out the window to see if someone has pulled up

Checking every house window in your field of view every second of the day

Constantly watching the front door even though it's closed and locked

Constantly watching your room door

Not being comfortable with things out of your line of sight

Constantly having the TV silent or low volume so you don't make too much noise & also so you can hear better

Memorizing daily life schedules, like when your housemates eat, use the bathroom, get up & walk around so you can be constantly aware of everyone at all times

Not making direct eye contact out of fear that it will spark a conflict

Being constantly aware of tone of voice, inflection, etc in case they're going to verbally abuse or degrade you or humiliate you

Being hyper aware of someone entering your personal space

Flinching

Flinching when someone walks by you

Flinching when someone reaches over you

Flinching when anticipating to get hit

Freezing & paralysis anytime something goes off pattern

Never being able to tell tone over text/ always needing to clarify if someone is mad at you

Not being able to physically get up and walk around the house unless you know you're in a safe position to do so

Not being able to physically get up to use the bathroom unless you're in a position to know it's safe to move around the house undetected

Waiting until everyone goes to bed in order to move around the house or relax

Holding your breath & tensing your muscles

Dissociation & brain fogs

Agoraphobia

Fear of being perceived

Fear of being abandoned

Fear of being seen

Fear of being judged

Fear of being hit

Fear of being alive

Fear of failing

Fear of being alone

Fear of not being good enough

Fawning

Grovelling

People pleasing

Staying silent because it will be less likely to cause a conflict

Hiding your emotions & masking

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ash-says · 1 month

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To all my folks who have been constantly on survival. To those who don't know what life is other than that. To those who were rejected by their own parents. To those who never had a place they can call home. To those who always look forward to the future no matter how dark the past and present can be. To those who try to voice out what they are going through but it falls on deaf ears. To those who try to fight their fears no matter how terrifying it turns out to be. To those who try to believe the good in people no matter how many times it backfired. To those who are ostracized and outcasted by their peers. To those who always find themselves putting on a brave facade. To those who wish and pray for calm but the chaos is already stuck within them.

I know how it feels to be in your shoes.

I know how tiring and draining it is.

But you know what is more tiring? Being stuck in that hell hole.

Accepting it as your reality and not taking steps to make it better.

It doesn't matter what you were presented with, it's your duty to not only survive but Thrive!!

The ache in your chest and being unable to breathe every time you face some situation is your body's signal that you are under attack and tremendous stress. Instead of being a nervous wreck, what do you choose to do?

Let me help you.

You breathe in deep and breathe out. Collect yourself together. Be composed and face the challenge head on.

You can get scared and cry later in the washroom alone.

Wire yourself in such a way that when pushed into a corner the first thing your brain does is mental calculations to solve the issue with least damage possible.

Until and unless you are not safe and sound the trauma shouldn't hit you.

Train your body to never go into the Freeze mode. We either fight or flight.

Freeze? What are you a packet of ice??

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furiousgoldfish · 2 years

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I've talked about the 'burnout' and the 'collapse' traumatized people can experience as an adult, as a consequence of an abusive childhood. I realize I've made it seem like a very scary, painful and debilitating thing to happen, and I want to make clarifications about why it happens, and what can you do to mitigate the effects if you're worried it might happen to you.

One part of it, is that living a life while being traumatized, is much more exhausting than living a life as an emotionally healthy person. A big part of our life energy was spent surviving the childhood, and now, a big part of our energy is being spent pushing the trauma down; this is essential for our survival. A part of our mind is always struggling just to keep bad memories suppressed, to keep all of the fear, anger and grief where it can't actively reach us every second of our life, because we couldn't survive if we kept feeling all of our emotions at all times. It enables us to go thru our day-to-day life, and to keep our life ‘looking’ normal, but it does take a lot of energy, it's like suppressing a volcano from erupting, and our energy is exhausted by it.

This, however, means that actively processing trauma, bringing it up and feeling it, however awful and painful it might feel, will eventually free some of your energy up. I remember getting some of my energy back, bit by bit, as I managed to process my experiences and save them as a long-term memories, instead of the repressed ones.

Another part of it is the amount of tension and stress we go thru in our usual day. Being traumatized, a lot of things will act like triggers, and not all of them have to be the huge, dramatic triggers. Sometimes it's just, seeing a stranger on the street looking dangerous, and tensing up. Someone stands too close or asks you an uncomfortable question, and you're anxious, scared, and you spend the night upset and stressed. Being extra worried you won't be able to do something perfectly, and freezing up. Putting large amounts of energy and time into a project because your worth is now depending on it being perfect, you're always bending backwards to get your redemption. Not allowing yourself to take breaks, feeling stressed and guilty when you rest, not being able to find emotional support during hardships, taking on more than you can handle. Stress-worrying about every event where you have to be in contact with the abusers, or anyone else extorting power over you.

These are things that commonly happen to us, and they all result in stress and tension. This causes all of our muscles to tense up, our fight-flight-freeze-fawn response is always on high alert, we spend hours in the anxious state, not knowing how to calm down state, and during all these times, our body is using every bit of available energy for survival, because we're in a survival fright. That is, extremely draining, like fighting for our lives every second of our day. It's no wonder that afterwards all we want is to curl up in the bed, and forget about everything, just trying to find a place where we could get our body to relax a bit, to let us breathe. Constant tension in our muscles will result in chronic pain, which is another draining thing to go thru.

And trying to live a normal life will expose us to more of these, we are unlikely to be able to avoid the triggers while reaching for success in every area of life. We get exposed to people, to situations, to deadlines, stress, expectations, pressure, public image, authoritative figures, criticism, competition, imposter syndrome, fright that we're not as good as everyone else thinks we are. The stress of all this can be too much, even for a normal person. But for us, it's not only the regular amount of stress; the triggers turn stress into pure state of panic and survival fright. We don't only fear we will lose everything we've ever worked for, we fear that we'll be tortured and psychologically destroyed if we don't deliver expectations. We fear we'll be abandoned and left for dead, and that we deserved it.

This is why we need the collapse. Constantly putting ourselves thru all of this, is debilitating for us. Burning out, and isolating ourselves in our room in order to grieve, fear, panic, and cry, it's one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Crying is a powerful way to release stress, and it will release the pressure on our bodies and minds. Experiencing all of the emotions we're pushing down constantly, will hurt a lot, but it will give these feelings a way to exit our body, so we have less to carry around constantly. Isolating will grant us a protection from triggers. No longer exposing ourselves to triggers opens up the possibility of feeling safe, comfortable and self-protected, and that is a foundation we need in order to start building our lives. We cannot build our lives on anxiety-driven situations that make us filled with dread and panic, it has to be a place of comfort and safety.

The collapse isn't something that is absolutely inevitable, it happens because of the way our life is constructed via abuse. Growing up abused, you're programmed very intensely to live your life for others and to respond to the expectations of you. You're expected to reach success on your own time, without any help or support, while being extremely convenient to everyone else, and while being everyone's outlet for their anger, stress, and pain. You're taught to consider this normal, and to tough it out. You're conditioned to consider every single person in your life, but yourself. You know what everyone around you wants from you, how to adjust to their needs, but you are shut down immediately if you have a want or a need of your own. This inevitably leads to a life built on other person's needs. You're building your life based on what you know, and other people's expectations of you, is all you know about yourself.

So your life ends up in overworking yourself insanely in order to reach everyone's expectations, while never being able to examine what would make your life easy to live, comfortable to exist in, or even pleasurable for you yourself. You end up racing for goals that are not yours, that don't even progress your life in any direction that would be good or useful to you. You end up tangled in the obstacles of capitalism, stressing alone about why this isn't easy for you anymore, trying to reach success that would redeem you in the eyes in your abusers, or in your own eyes. You believe you need this redemption, that things would get better, or even just bearable, if you managed to succeed. You being traumatized doesn't even make it to the equation, you do not hold space for your emotions, you do not see yourself as a human being, worth of support and comfort. Anyone would get broken by this. Everyone, no matter how strong, needs comfort and reassurance in the times of stress. Even when things are going well, everyone needs support. Everyone needs acknowledgment and warmth and confirmation that they're doing well.

Living a life that isn’t set up for your well being, and does not provide you with satisfaction and pleasure, is exhausting. You have to keep it up in order not to offend or disappoint anyone (which is your biggest fear), but you're living your life in desperation, trying your best to complete tasks that are not here by your own will. You end up procrastinating and feeling dreadful, because now it feels like you're wasting your life, missing opportunities and ruining the ones you have. You feel empty because there's no support, nobody cares if you do well, but you'll be tortured if you fail. In those circumstances, not one thing you do is by your own will, it's coerced. This entire life is coerced. Every movement you make to appease, to convenience, is a move against your own will. And doing things against your own will, is traumatizing, and exhausting. Your instincts will eventually act up against it. Your willpower to do things will drain. You'll become paralyzed by the executive dysfunction because your body won't want to go thru with it anymore. Even though you're screaming at yourself that you have to, you have to, you have no choice. Your body will fight you. It will seek a collapse.

Collapse means that you're finally, finally taking your own traumatization into consideration. You're forced to acknowledge you own needs and your own limits; you can no longer tear yourself apart for a life that wasn't your choice. What you needed the entire time, was a life that was built on your own terms. A life that took your desires, needs and mental health status into consideration. Because you can build a life, regardless of how traumatized, torn down or terrified you are.

The collapse will slowly teach you that not being able to do things is not the end of the world. It will slowly show you that rest is something you can no longer reject, and it's not making you lazy, or a bad person. It will create a space for you where you do not answer to anyone's expectations. The shame of disappointment and resting will hurt at first, but it will fade as you learn to develop compassion for yourself, because now you have to. You have to see yourself as someone who's been fighting alone all this time, who is now broken but still alive, and so desperately wants to rest and be comforted, and be free of everything that has broken them.

And the life you build from it, it will not tolerate stress or pain. You will build it based on your own satisfaction. You will make it as safe and protected as possible, because you do not want to risk another collapse. You will abandon all of the activities that broke you in the past; some of these you will no longer be able to do anyway. Even if it's something you liked, but got linked with stress and abuse, it will become a taboo. You'll find things that bring you peace, and do those. You'll discover what eases your anxiety, and do that. You'll find people who find you worthy of support, and choose them. Your life will become yours, built on your own choices, using the knowledge you have about yourself. It will no longer be a never-ending cycle of stress and tension. And you'll be allowed to be tired, and take breaks, and have days where you're just resting in bed. Your body won't have it otherwise.

Now, I promised to tell you how to mitigate the collapse, and by now it must be obvious. It will be easy for me to write it down, but extremely difficult to do it in real life. Start abandoning the activities that bring you an immense amount of stress. Take anything that stresses you as a real-life danger to your mental health, and steer away from it. Decide that your health precedes anyone's expectations, and treat those expectations as destructive. Abandon all societal goalposts that don't bring you joy, dismiss everything they told you that you should be, or have achieved, by a certain age, these are toxic. Abandon the societal definition of success.

Find a place where you're safe to learn about yourself, what you enjoy, what calms you, what brings you peace. Seek out support even if you don't feel you're worthy, even if it doesn't feel like you have it bad enough yet. The only way to mitigate the collapse is to build a life that doesn't lead up to it. Abusive childhood very strongly sets us up for it, and makes sure we don't build self-compassion that is necessary in order to stop living a life that others have decided for us.

Also, don't feel bad if you don't have a choice but to live like that until you collapse. I couldn't stop it. A lot of us aren't at freedom to decide to stop, and we're not even convinced that things are going bad until our bodies decide it for us. I wasn't able to build my life for myself until I ran away from home, that's where I experienced the most severe collapse, when it was finally safe to do so. I don't regret it. The collapse was natural. It made me self-protective where my parents never did. It forced me to acknowledge my limitations where nobody would ever accept that they're real. It's also not an ideal thing to happen, because you can learn to be self-protective in a kind way, you can acknowledge your limitations with the help of support and self-compassion. This is more of an extreme you-don't-have-a-choice kind of way, which isn't pleasant, and happens only when there is no other way.

Don't be afraid of the collapse. If it happens, it's not your fault. You have not built a life that would lead you to a collapse, and you're not 'actively working towards it'. All of us are just trying our best to survive, to go thru as little pain as possible, and you're doing it too. If you happen to collapse, be gentle to yourself, and reject anyone who isn't gentle towards you. You deserve the rest, and you deserve the safety.

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twoheadedfather · 1 year

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when i just know i said something wrong around my parent(s) because the air just suddenly shifts??? like in a movie when the music changes from happy or calm to suspenseful and scary but in real life

#anytime i mention my mom around my dad when she's not around i just FEEL the air change like does this make sense #fawn response #fight flight freeze fawn #hypervigilance #hypervigilant #childhood trauma #trauma #emotional abuse #childhood abuse #child abuse #toxic parents #people pleaser

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acldwash · 4 months

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#infographics #cptsd #trauma response #fight flight freeze fawn

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serenityquest · 1 year

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#fawn response #fight flight freeze fawn

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koboldinacathoodie · 5 months

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So... I went through with the fight/flight/freeze/fawn alternative to omegaverse idea... obviously you should know what's below the cut. If you have any questions the inbox is open!

Intro

I like Omegaverse, but I'm not too big on the whole mpreg thing. Not only that, but omegaverse has also gotten kind of stale for me, so I've decided to take on the daunting challenge of trying to make something superior in lore and equally smutty.

Rut and Heat are interchangeable terms in this au, the only real difference being a distinction of sex assigned at birth. Overall, the symptoms of increased desire are the same, and the reactions to said desire only depend on the individual's dynamic. For the sake of simplicity, i'll use the term cycle or season instead of heat or rut.

Now, as you may know, the pack dynamic thing about wolves has largely been disproven. But you know what hasn't been disproven? The fear response! So instead of alphas, omegas, and betas, I have four dynamics!

Flights, Fights, Freezes, and Fawns are the new dynamics for this au, (names are subject to change) and while some personalities are different from the expected stereotypes of the dynamics, they usually fall into one of the four categories during their mating cycles. Flights are skittish during their cycles, Fights are unable to control themselves, Freezes tend to go quiet and often feign disinterest, and Fawns tend to resort to seducing and/or pleading their partner for relief. So without further ado, it's time to explain them in more detail!

Fights

The Fight dynamic, while often stereotyped as being extremely aggressive and territorial, are as levelheaded and easygoing as anyone else outside their mating cycles. During mating cycles however, they often struggle to control their unyielding arousal, and will even attack others in their lust-driven haze with little to no idea of what they're doing. It is unfortunately common enough to the point where leashes have become a household item among Fights and their mates, as Fights naturally don't want to run the risk of them forcing themselves onto their partner while unable to control themselves.

The defining trait of a Fight is their fangs, which have the unique ability to inject a potent aphrodisiac when the Fight bites their partner, but this aphrodisiac is only released when the Fight is in the midst of their cycle, which prevents awkwardness during any fights that result in biting. This aphrodisiac, though very powerful, is completely harmless.

Fights are naturally protective and assertive, and this behavior becomes especially amplified in a mate's presence. Fights are typically the most dominant of all the dynamics, with some exceptions, and are often the leaders of packs. Fights tend to be most dominant during their cycles, as their hormones are geared towards mating, and will often resort to fighting or fucking someone during their cycles.

In terms of their appearance, Fights have slightly larger than average canines, and sometimes bear markings which resemble scars, but these are actually birthmarks, and are often considered a sign of strength and beauty among their peers.

Flights

The Flight dynamic is the exact opposite of the Fight dynamic. Where the Fights are the most dominant and assertive of all dynamics, the Flights are the most timid and shy. While many are outgoing or even a little bold during everyday life, their cycles cause them to revert to a more docile, almost submissive state. This is especially true in the presence of their partner, who they instinctively rely on for protection during their most vulnerable state. Their hearing is especially sensitive, and it's not uncommon for Flights to get headaches from loud noises. Flights also have a tendency to chew things, usually a form of stress relief, and are very fond of sweet foods.

Flights have a tendency to react to any unwanted attention acquired during their mating cycle with running for the hills. They're naturally quite fast, and are known to flee at the drop of a hat. It's rare to see a Flight initiate courtship, but that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't interested. During their cycles, they become more docile and sensitive to touch, and should they have a mate, will rarely, if ever, separate from them willingly.

Where Fights release an aphrodisiac through their fangs, Flights do it through scent while in heat, and the smell can cause intense arousal in those susceptible to their pheromones. The aphrodisiac released from their scent isn't quite as potent, but it is still very potent nonetheless.

They can be distinguished from other dynamics through their fluffy ears, which bear a slightly wing-like shape due to the tufts along the side, as well as their tails, which bear a somewhat feather-like appearance even in non-avian species.

Freezes

The Freeze dynamic is, unsurprisingly, the calmest and most passive of all dynamics. Unlike Flights and Fights, who flee and intimidate those they aren't interested in, Freezes usually just ignore any unwanted advances, and have the added bonus of usually being immune to the aphrodisiacs from other dynamics. During their cycles, their body temperature lowers to the point where their body almost feels cold to the touch, and it's not uncommon for a Freeze to spend a majority of their cycle in the warm safety of their nest, often with their mate.

Freezes are often stereotyped as being emotionless, but nothing could be farther from the truth. They're just generally better at keeping a level head, and can keep calm even during the most stressful situations, a quality that many other dynamics find admirable. However, they can often be lethargic and somewhat withdrawn during their cycles, which causes them to avoid people and places in order to minimize interaction.

As mentioned before, Freezes are immune to the aphrodisiacs of Fights and Flights, but that's only when they're not in season. During their cycles, their bodies are vulnerable, and they are easily susceptible to the aphrodisiacs of other dynamics. They also lack an aphrodisiac of their own, so if a Freeze happens to have a mate, their only recourse is begging and seduction.

Freezes can be distinguished from other dynamics by the way their fur/scales/feathers seem to almost glisten in direct sunlight, as well as their claws, which hold an unusually rugged appearance akin to icicles.

Fawns

The Fawn dynamic is known for being the only dynamic that truly lives up to their stereotype, holding a distinctive playfulness that makes them popular among their peers. It is a commonly held belief that there is no such thing as an idle Fawn, as they almost always have some kind of energy, no matter how miniscule. Despite their high energy levels, they aren't necessarily the most active, and are usually more inclined to watch the world around them pass them by than anything else. They're generally quite friendly, and often have a lot of friends, which means they're always on the lookout for new companions, no matter their dynamic.

However, despite their charisma, Fawns often have the worst mating cycles of the bunch. Starting out rather manageable, the longer their cycle goes on without a partner, the more desperate and aroused they get, causing them to be reduced to an aroused, crying, pleading mess by the time their cycles are finished. As a result, it's not uncommon for a Fawn to be very clingy, especially during their mating cycles, and their cycles can make even the most stoic among them give in to their desires.

Fawns, while out of their mating cycles, have a unique ability to soothe or calm other dynamics with their purr. Whether it be a panicking Flight or a rampaging Fight, Fawns have a purr that is said to be one of the most relaxing sounds in the world to other dynamics.

Their fur is often described as looking "soft as a cloud", with a speckled pattern adorning their back resembling sunlight filtering through leaves, and their claws are the most blunt out of the dynamics.

Outro

Now, while there are only the main four dynamics, I won't say that there aren't other dynamics that are just a combination of two, or sometimes even all of them. It is possible for a child born from parents of one or two dynamics to present a different one, and it is also possible for a child to be born without a dynamic, but occurrences like the latter are often shunned by those who aren't as progressive and still believe in old stereotypes, as a dynamicless child is generally thought to be "lesser".

The mating seasons and the resulting symptoms last for a week or so, but can vary depending on the individual. During their cycles, a dynamic can have anywhere from a slight increase in desire to a constant need to fuck, but the most common symptoms are an increase in arousal and an increased libido.

I'm actually looking for alternative names for these dynamics if anyone is willing to help out, so please let me know if you have any ideas! Thanks for reading, and I'll try to get something out for actual content of this au soon!

#nsft #omegaverse #alpha beta omega #4fs au #fight flight freeze fawn #abo #nsft writing #asks open #smut #not safe for minors #nsft concept #nsft au

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heavyinmychest · 10 days

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i don't know how to react like a normal person. why can't i fight or flight or freeze. why do i fawn, even with my friends? they're not threats. they won't hurt me. why do i put my spine away and roll over for them at the slightest hint of conflict?

when can i stop being that scared little kid?

#excerpts from a letter i'll never write #bipolar disorder #alienation #emotional regulation #fight flight freeze fawn

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petertheundermedicated-blog · 25 days

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Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving: A Guide to Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker - notes by me

if just one other human being finds my notes helpful, i can be at peace

a document of the parts of the book I found most insightful and impactful. There's a table of contents so you can skip to the parts you might find the most helpful :)

Please keep in mind that this is not a full summary so it's not comprehensive! If you want more detail I'd absolutely recommend checking out the book from a library or buying a copy.

#complex ptsd #cptsd #cptsd recovery #trauma recovery #dealing with trauma #trauma coping #healthy coping skills #perfectionism #fight flight freeze fawn #inner critic #reparenting #inner child #trauma responses #book recommendation #do you ever start doing something unplanned but by the time you finish it somehow feels like it was always going to happen

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depressedandsmiling · 1 year

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Having a panic attack.

It’s been a while. I feel like I’m suffocating even though I know I’m not. My chest is clenching and it hurts. Like it’s going to crush my heart. But I know it won’t. Tears streaming and I have no control over them. Shaky voice. Shaky hands. Frozen everywhere else. So many feelings within my body sending scary messages and I’m just sitting here on my sofa in a safe place with no recognizable triggers. Maybe I’ll figure it out later when my executive cognitive function returns but for now I just have to see that I’m safe and ride it out. Stomach churning. Thoughts jumping all over the place. I feel like I could sprint somewhere if I wasn’t so frozen up. I can’t believe I used to survive multiple attacks a day. Trying to put my skills in place. Like breathing. Awareness of the room/grounding. Patting my dog. Looking at her while patting her is helping. This is why therapy dogs are so amazing. My heart isn’t pounding quite so hard now and I’m so thirsty. As soon as my legs unlock I’m going to get some water.

Okay. I think my dog gets the credit for helping me on this one. What a fucking pain in the ass these things are.

#panic attack #anxiety #depression #panic #mental health #grounding #breathing #awareness #mindfulness #how to survive a panic attack #my dog saved me #my dog is a hero #frozen in fear #fight flight freeze fawn #I’m a freezer

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moonlit-positivity · 2 months

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Lets talk about emotional regulation on a deeper level

Here is a wildly controversial truth: your emotional responses actually make a lot of sense considering what you've been through in your life.

The way you react to stress- the way you shut down, isolate, deny, avoid, daydream, escape, use addictions, and/or self harm? Or the way you lash out, get revenge, get violent, manipulate & gaslight, and project your emotions onto others? Or the way you fawn, people please, shut down emotionally, prioritize others before yourself, and freeze? These responses are born out of pure survival. Every last one of them. At some point these responses were there so you could survive an environment that was trying to kill you. If you don't think that's accurate, then consider that your body & mind felt threatened enough to give you these responses in the first place. It actually makes a lot of sense that your reactions to high stress is to revert to what saved you as a child.

Here's the thing though, what saved you as a child is no longer serving you the same purpose now as an adult.

If you're entering new relationships and friendships as an adult under the same mindset of, "these people are trying to kill me," then here's what's going to happen: your partner, friend, etc is going to inevitably make a mistake that is going to trigger you into that primal, neolithic state of survival. And you are going to unconsciously react in the same ways that saved you as a child. But the difference is that, the person next to you isn't actually trying to kill you. They're just making an honest to goodness mistake and now you're going at them like they're evil incarnate. Or, you're withdrawing and hurting yourself and probably gonna ghost them now because you're too scared to communicate what it is that's bothering you. Or, you're going to pretend like you didn't see it and shut yourself down emotionally and just hope that it works out, until one day you're gonna snap and all that pent up anger is gonna explode out of you like Mount Vesuvius on firey steroids.

This is why it's so important to learn how to do the following things:

1. Spend some time reaffirming that what you went through as a kid was absolutely not normal, under any circumstances. That shit was batshit insane and it shouldn't have happened to you. You really need to dig deep and reaffirm that no, most of the world isn't actively trying to kill you, attack you, or make you suffer. What you went through was truly an isolated incident of pure fuckery. And yeah, it sucks but people will inevitably hurt you again. Learning about boundaries can help with this. But the sooner you realize that most people around you are genuinely not trying to hurt you, the better your life is going to get. Trauma therapy can be a great place to unload these kinds of things.

2. Spend some time processing how your parents'/ abuser's reactions, overreactions, abuse, neglect, gaslighting & projections, etc made you feel. This is important. And yeah it hurts like fuck, but this is important because once you actually allow yourself to feel & process the pain and suffering they did to you, your body starts to shift out of survival and you start to understand exactly how your own emotional responses feel for you & others around you. It gives you a deeper sense of understanding. And yes, this works for low empathy disorders like NPD too. If you were abused as a kid then it literally doesn't matter what your diagnosis is. The fact that your childhood robbed you of safe & secure connection, attunement, regulation, trust, and autonomy, is actually 100% the entire reason why your symptoms exist. And it sucks that the current mental health field does not acknowledge this. You can't pour from a cup that has been empty since the day you were born. You need to turn that attention inward and start unpacking all that shit.

3. Find ways to foster empathy and compassion for yourself with gentle parenting. Your childhood guidance is missing. You need to go back and essentially re-raise yourself. This is the hard & laborious work of inner child healing, emotional regulation, DBT, attachment theory healing, learning how to communicate, etc. imo this is what therapy should be about tbh.

4. Find safe ways to be vulnerable in peace. Restoring your own sense of control over who you allow into your life and what you allow them to do to you, is one great way to gain the safety you need to do this kind of work with. But the one hard inevitable truth of this world is that you are actually going to have to learn how to be vulnerable. You are going to have to learn how to foster grace and compassion for yourself enough to be seen on a deeper level. Again, I'd suggest trauma therapy.

I'd say this is one helluva controversial take, because most spaces will tell you things like, "your reactions are the problem." And well, yeah okay fine. You got a point. But how do you actually do the work in a healthy and safer manner that gets you actually motivated to self inspect and change your ways? This is how you do that. Recognize what you went through was pure survival, so you can foster a better sense of compassion for yourself. Finding a good trauma therapist can help with this. By doing this your body automatically gains the regulation needed to process the fact that yeah, okay, there actually is a different way to do things. Everything else comes naturally over time. And I do mean time. This isn't something you can do once and then call it good. You're gonna be doing this for the rest of your life.

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Hope this helps

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