It’s fair to say that I am really struggling with my mental health at the moment. Nothing seems to ease the feeling of drowning that I constantly have.
Home doesn’t feel how home should. It doesn’t feel safe and it certainly doesn’t feel happy. When I’m with family, I’m sad. When I’m with friends, I’m sad. When I’m on my own, I’m sad.
The overwhelming waves that seem to be rising over me are deafening. It’s as if I can’t hear or see anything around me other than darkness and anxiety.
I feel lost, maybe even abandoned.
My mind is on in overdrive 24/7 and I don’t even know what I’m thinking about.
All I want is silence. Silence in my head will surely mean peace in my heart...Right?
Imagine going to the busiest place in the world, being surrounded by the general noise of people walking and rushing about, cars tooting their horns, adults shouting & children screaming. Then imagine being trapped in the middle of that with no escape. Being shackled to the centre of the chaos. That’s how my head feels all the time and I hate it.
I need a break from myself. A break from my life. But ending it all doesn’t stop the pain, it only moves it on to others and I would never put this on anyone.
So I’ll stay. I’ll battle and I’ll fight until my mental health no longer rules me.
I feel like today will be one of the worst days of my life, and I don’t know if it’s my fault or not: A rant/trying to pour everything out so I can get the fuck back up on my feet and carry on.
I have no idea if I have said anything on here, but I’m trying to find a survival job. I’m now 26. I don’t have good health insurance anymore and waiting to hear back from Medicaid people. I don’t have a car. I have college loans looming over my head. And because my dad died, I’ve been scared to do mundane things and tried to get work as an actor (the career path I trained for) for the past year or two whether it be background extra work or indie film work.
I haven’t gotten any film work for the past year because - in truth - I can’t travel to the city and work anymore, and work as an extra suddenly disappeared for me and a bunch of work friends. We don’t know why that is except that casting agencies are constantly searching for “new people.” I really wish they can understand that people will not give up their full time jobs just to work seasonally with uncertainty of getting the same amount each paycheck or more. Rare people notice the same background people in tv shows and films. For all I know, you the reader are about to become one of those people.
Back to the real world: I have applied for four retail jobs and a bank teller job. Two automatic no interviews, and the bank teller job has not sent me ANYTHING even though I personally inquired about the job when I couldn’t get a hold of anyone on the phone. But then, I get an interview request from a big retail store for what I thought was supposed to be a simple cashier job (as the descriptions indicated). Had the interview, thought it went great.
Get an email at midnight. I didn’t get the job.
First off, they told me I’ll hear by the beginning of next week. I don’t understand why the interviewers lied - unintentional or not. Also, if I had normal sleep hours, I would have seen this first thing in the morning. What a great way to start a morning, day, even a weekend. At least have the decency to respond to me when you said you would and be humble whether you are contacting me personally or sending automated responses - so no automated responses at abnormal hours. Sending them at midnight is shady to me and these places claim to be kind and humble. Clearly not. (I get that’s how retail corporations are, but I feel like a few decades ago it wasn’t as bad. Will take note of this later on.)
Because of this, I’m now scared. This is the second job where I think I didn’t get it because of lack of sales experience. And the thing was, if given the job, I was going to be part of a department section I didn’t apply for but have an enthusiast’s knowledge of, and I didn’t even meet the person running the department. So he or she only judged me by what I typed into a computer and what the interviewers wrote on my file.
Most of the jobs near my house: they’re retail. Every single one calls for retail and/or sales experience. And I’m finding preferred means required, but if they like me enough they’ll let it slide and train me. How the fuck am I supposed to get experience when I’m trying to get it by applying to said workplace?! And how the fuck can I get you to like me?! I try to be myself, but clearly myself isn’t cutting it.
I don’t know what to do. I honestly feel like I’m never going to find a job and end up homeless, severely ill, and die. And I don’t want any of that to happen.
I want to live. Live happily and secure and be independent. Live so I can fulfill the dreams I’ve had since I was a kid - working in the entertainment industry, whether as an actor, musician, writer, or all three. I feel like I have so much to give, but no one sees that.
Do I not show it well enough? Is the rise of technology making human interactions more disconnected?
Or did I say something wrong? Do I not show my confidence and enthusiasm well enough?
Do I come off as weird, not like everyone else in the workplace, or even suspicious? Do I look or sound like I try too hard?
Worst part: I’ll never truly know. They’re not obligated to tell me.
Now, what I hate the most is how everything is done by computer. It makes all of us just a small series of codes, and a machine can automatically reject you or a person on the other end can reject with a click of a button. The human connection is gone. It’s becoming less and less with social media and technology making themselves addicting and society obligating to have everything online.
“You have to create a platform! You have to network on here, here, and here! You have to post on a constant schedule to beat the algorithms and start trending and getting an audience!”
“Oh you have an opinion? Cancelled.”
There’s no emotion anymore. And depression and anxiety has been rising because social media says to connect with everyone on there. Everything has become emotionless. Even when you interact with the people you may work with if they give you the job.
And corporations LOVE IT. Less human connection, more machines to replace them and save more money.
We’re losing jobs and connections because of how our capitalistic oligarchy works. Because all these jobs are being taken away, the money is boarded into their bank accounts instead of going through our financial system. Thus even less jobs, and more competition among the few jobs there are. And if you don’t have the experience already, you’re out.
It leaves people like me heartbroken, scared, and potentially homeless. A never-ending occurance that a single person doesn’t have control of.
Maybe this is my depression talking. Maybe I’m just upset and noticing everything that’s wrong with the country I live in. But I need to rebel against my mind, rebel against society’s expectations, rebel against the pressures that society is pushing on me.
I’ll keep on applying for jobs. I’ll try and contact a human for that bank teller job because their HR department is showing themselves as rude and unprofessional. I’ll keep on fighting for what I want to achieve.
I hope to get my books published and be successful in publishing them, I hope to work in tv and film, I hope to compose and perform music for the everyday people like me, my family, and my friends. All of it letting the people know they’re not alone.
And I hope to one day be in the beauty department of the store I interviewed in and help a fellow customer find the right makeup or skincare products for him or her, all in front of the head of that section. And I walk away smug, letting them know they lost a valuable asset in their workplace.
Face it till you make it
In Genesis 46:1, Jacob does something very significant. He went down to Egypt. This is significant because he was scared (see verse 3). It must have felt like defeat - he was leaving the land of promise, the land of his fathers, and everything that was familiar. But still he went.
Not only did he go, but he was “all in”. He took everything he had and his family. He left the wonderful promised land for the uncomfortable and for the persecution that awaited his family.
It’s ok to be afraid to obey God and move forward - we all often get comfortable where we are. But we each have to choose to be all in and do it afraid. Don’t fake it till you make it, face it till you make it.