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theshadowrealmitself · 8 months

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So,, the problem I’m having rn with financial aid that I just need to share because what the fuck??? is:

So I was raised by legal guardians, I think I’ve gone into more detail before about them, but for anonymity sake I won’t go into much detail about my relation to them here (I still had contact with some of my bio family and stuff tho, obvi)

And they were fucking terrible at keeping ahold of all our records, like seriously. awful. but luckily they still had our “ward of the court” letters, which is what I need for financial aid, and some other random document. (yes, singular, one other random paper)

So when I was doing community college, they easily accepted my ward of the court letter and I was able to get help there, but while trying to transfer to university, the university won’t accept it

At first I thought the problem was that the picture wasn’t clear enough so I kept trying to take clearer pictures, still a no go, so I got into contact with my old guidance counselor (he ran a program at the community college to help foster kids and wards of the court), he thought the problem might be that the document was so old

So I went into the courts that handled my case, requested my files, got them, got a cleaner copy of my “ward of the court” letter that looks the exact same as my old one, just, y’know, cleaner, and with a new signature on the back showing I just got it, and I upload that to financial aid

And….they reject it again.

I also got into contact with the university’s foster students/ward of the courts program to help me, I kept getting into contact with financial aid, etc

So financial aid finally tells me straight up that my “ward of the court” letter is just my legal guardians petitioning to be my legal guardians, it’s not them actually being granted legal guardianship, I need more up to date paperwork

Which is like, very frustrating!! because my legal guardians are no help, I already went to the courts to get the paperwork they had, who do you go to get new paperwork to show they were my legal guardians till I was 18??

Well, financial aid recommends this program that specifically helps students get that specific info (a verification of being in foster care letter) for financial aid, but my old counselor had spoke about them and said they wouldn’t be able to help me, because they’d only be able to give me info on when I was specifically in foster care outside of legal guardianship, so that brief time from when my mom lost custody to when I was placed with my legal guardians, like less than a year or around that time period (not sure how long the actual process took)

Which, y’know, obviously won’t be that helpful to me as I need to show specifically my legal guardianship info, but financial aid was like “no, get in contact with them, because even if they can’t help you, they’ll definitely be the people who know who to get into contact with,” and at this point I had nothing to lose so I get into contact with them

They get back to me pretty quickly, confirm that they’re going to show the time I was in foster care, and if they find out they can’t help me after looking up my info, they’ll be able to find exactly who I’ll need to contact, because you know they’re this very efficient and trusted program that works directly with the courts and with schools for this very specific thing (hallelujah), they just had to confirm some personal info on me

Y’all they got back to me the day of, so I open the email to see who I’d have to contact

No contact info

Just a letter verifying I was in foster care from the age of 5 till I aged out of it

So I uploaded that to financial aid, thinking maybe my counselor was wrong and that they do include legal guardianship, and financial aid accepted it!! Then,,, they went into my fafsa and changed it to say I was in foster care after the age of 13? (Which fafsa specifically doesn’t include legal guardianship under that section?? At least last time I looked??)

So what the fuck does that mean?? That they found my info in the foster system, that my legal guardians only have a “petitioning letter” and not the actual letter?? That the courts only have the same thing and no actual granting letter???

Were my legal guardians never actually legally my legal guardians?????

#mini rant #I just needed to get this off my chest #I called my legal guardians about it and they had no info #what the fuck #what the fuck????#no fandom #just. so much confusion.#so much.

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robitherat · 1 year

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Thinking about the time in 7th grade I was being bullied by thos kid who was (and is) notorious for being basically the worst human being alive and a total piece of shit for 3 months where he told me and my friends to kill ourselves and made a bunch of self harm jokes directed at us, and also said that wearing a shirt that said a whole bunch of like "love is love, black lives matter, science is real" etc. Type shit was, and I quote, "a good way to get shot" and when I finally reported all of it to the office and wrote a 2 and a half page report about it on a giant notepad with specific examples, witnesses, other things he'd said/ done to other kids and shit they sat me down and the dean of students (who was also the gym teacher, go figure) was basically like "actually we can't do anything about any of this because you waited three months to report him :^) Okay go back to class now" and then he got a 1 day suspension for something totally unrelated and also about the time that same gym teacher said I wasn't allowed to sit out of P.E. anymore even though I was throwing up almost every day (because I had it 1st period. Two years in a row.) Because I was "using it as an excuse" and also how someone reported me for having visible self harm and they were just like "does your mom know" and when I said yeah they just sent me back to class without calling and checking or any other kind of follow through or even asking me why I was cutting or anything like that and the meeting lasted like 5 minutes altogether and then immediately after I spent like 30 minutes in the principals office and got a week of detention for throwing grapes at my friend during lunch and also how my 8th grade history teacher said the R word and "thats so gay" in front of us multiple times and in other classes and called us all lazy and worthless and also made suicide/self harm/ drug addiction jokes about specific students after the suicide prevention assembly and even when my friend sent a multi-page Google doc to the counselor detailing things he'd said and done she just went "oh well I don't control who gets hired so. Sucks" and didn't forward it or tell anyone and he's still teaching even though he deliberately spreads misinfo and when he was supposed to teach about the political parties he just said that democrats were communists and didn't do anything else and also my 8th grade science teacher who when I came to her crying and saying I didn't want to continue to do the science fair she forced our advanced class to do because it was stressing me out to the point of interfering with the rest of my schoolwork she just told me how she was disappointed in me and how it wasn't a good sign for college and all this shit and how she gave our whole class detention for not doing a single page of homework that she didn't tell us to do and how a kid was spreading lies about me raping my friend or my friend raping me (depending on who she was talking to) and the only course of action was for the counselor to ask me in the hallway in between classes if it was true and not investigate any further than that or do anything to stop the student who was lying about it and how basically I hope my junior high building collapses with all the faculty still inside.

#robi rambles #ask to tag #self harm #suicide #rape #death #anyways in case anyone was wondering what my middle school experience was like. it was Bad #theres more this is just what i could think of off the top of my head LOL #oh also my science teacher was transphobic as hell 2 me !!!#and my 7th grade science teacher threw a stack of papers at a kid in a fit of rage #and my other gym teacher cussed us out for something that literally had nothing to do with us and He Knew had nothing to do with us #and also my 7th grade science teacher again. taught blatant misinfo and shit that had been debunked for decades #and my history teacher 8th grade yelled at me for having a panic attack instead of reading #and also bragged about his family having a big thanksgiving dinner and not wearing masks during covid. so #basically: the fact that i didnt attempt to off myself in 8th grade is an absolute fucking miracle #becayse it rlly seemed like everyone wanted me to #LOL #anywaya #agaub please ask to tag

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cerysdelaney · 3 years

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Hello! This is Sugar! Wanted to let you know I think you are an amazing writer and I believe in you! I had a quick question for you tho, how/when did you know this was what you wanted to do?

Sending you love!!💚💚💚

Short answer: This has been a long and broken path. Wanting something and making it happen was a series of false starts and self reflection.

But I have always loved storytelling. So here’s my long answer:

I started making OCs for my favorite shows since I can remember. They were all originally self inserts with powers or alterations. To name a few, I had a best friend to Sonic, a sixth Power Ranger, and an immortal being of the Force that helps Luke on his journey. There were so many.

My first fanfic was in Harry Potter, and… well… I don’t know if anyone remembers Fanfiction.Net and it’s toxicity level in the 90s… (who knows, maybe it’s never changed?) But my tiny little 12-year-old-written self-insert was eaten alive and spit out to die slowly. I had like 12 views, no likes, and 3 comments of vile cruelty.

So then I only wrote for my friends. I created a multiverse combining OCs from Dragonball Z to Star Wars… Gundam Wing to Harry Potter… Xanth to Xena and Hercules. I made their descendants, lore, etc. But it was all for my friends’ eyes alone.

In high school, I went to Creative Writing summer camps (which I later became a camp counselor in… Ah, summer jobs…). In college, one of my majors was English with an emphasis on Creative Writing. But I did realize I had another calling by then too. One that was a bit more stable. And, honestly, Creative Writing courses killed my drive to write. I was looked down on for aspiring to be a “genre writer.” And it’s crazy to think I listened to them, but I did… except once…

In my senior year of college, for my last story, I wrote about Lucifer’s fall from the perspective of the fallen angel himself. It was inspired by John Milton’s Paradise Lost (which I had taken an entire course on) and my own battle with my faith, Catholicism. I had been an active member in the church, but in college I finally let myself explore parts of me I didn’t before. I had sex. I let myself finally acknowledge that I wasn’t straight. I had more sex with everyone. I dated guys and girls, non binary and trans. And I became an outsider to the world I once knew. All that taken into perspective, I felt for a character who used to be so close to God’s right hand, and then loses his position because of choices that didn’t fall in line with the teachings. So I wrote from my heart in a tale as old as patriarchy.

And no one in class made a goddamn negative critique.

I don’t know how many of you out there have ever taken a creative writing class, but I still can’t put into words how shocking it was to not receive even a single red note. Not even that pretentious jackass who was already published in multiple online magazines had any comment for improvement. Instead, what was supposed to be a fifteen minute round robin of commentary became an hour long conversation about how jarringly relatable Satan is as a protagonist. Some were grappling with God as a tyrant. Others enjoyed the juxtaposition of Jesus and Satan. It was awesome. It was fun. It was everything I wished a my entire four years had been: talking about ideas.

But then I didn’t get a single call back from any graduate schools when I decided to use that piece and genre fiction in my portfolio. So I focused instead on the job I did get that does the other thing I love.

And I stopped writing.

Fast forward almost ten years. I’m now married, career secure, and looking to have a baby. I haven’t grappled with the fact that I love sex but have married an asexual man who I love beyond words. I’m also going into heat. (That’s a more honest way to describe the “ticking clock” everyone talks about as you near your 30s and then get into it. Holy hell ovulation is a hungry beast).

I needed an outlet, and it couldn’t be private. I was already too private. At the same time as I’m grappling with this, a friend introduced me to this deliciously dark character of Gaster in Undertale, and I just… started writing.

I created an AO3 account under the name Dark Crystal Demon and I let myself write whatever I wanted to write. I wrote rape by plants and ghosts. I wrote about women with dicks. Myself with a dick. I wrote about BDSM and Master/Pet play and It. Felt. So. Good.

I feel alive writing whatever I want because I can’t be whatever I want in real life. I honestly can’t. I’m highly respected in my career, but that all goes away if I reveal an account like this. I want to keep the career I have. So welcome to my secret den of dreams and nightmares. I’m very good at decorating closets I find myself hiding in.

I didn’t plan on writing for others, but my love for pleasuring others has definitely intermingled with my love for writing erotic content. Most of the time I write for me, but there are a few of you in my DMs who know when I’m writing for you ^_~ I can’t help but tease you. I adore you so.

Teasing friends made me realize I like world building around people’s desires. So that’s when I started taking commissions. But balancing family, career, and writing has been difficult these last five years. You all who have been with me for a while have seen my giant hiatuses in fanfics, etc.

During this pandemic I realized I wanted to finally give writing it’s chance. Instead of taking another career-advancing task, I decided to stay where I am in my job. So for the first time in a very long time, I can finally use my free time for my hobby and not extra work. (Can I just say, making a calendar for when I’m going to work on different fics, commissions, Master Classes, and erotic articles is exhilarating.)

So here I am. Told you it was a long story. Communities in writing are just like relationships, some are abusive and treat you poorly. I got lucky and found one that has let me be me. That’s why, when I tell you all I appreciate your support, it’s coming from the center of my soul. Thank you for letting me be me, especially you, Sugar. You are a very cherished supporter. 💜

#ask #sugar #Cerys talks #path in writing #long ramble #writing advice #write for yourself and your people will find you #at least that’s my experience #thank you for your support

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abcsofadhd · 5 years

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On being diagnosed with ADHD in midlife

@campfiresbeerandcoffee got diagnosed with ADHD in their early 50s and I asked them to share their story.

It’s kinda long but its a damn interesting read about a person’s experience with ADHD and a late diagnosis. It’s VERY well written and I’ve only spaced it out and bolded it for better readability.

Remember, it’s really NEVER too late to get a diagnosis.

I’ve known people with ADHD most of my life. I knew what it was, obviously. It was that boy who was socially inappropriate and weird, the one who got angry too fast, who touched oddly, who couldn’t sit still.

It was the squirrel brained women I knew, that changed jobs, were super smart, had multiple competencies and could instantly grasp systems, but had so much drive they were always up, always working, always learning. It wasn’t ME.

It didn’t even occur to me that I had ADHD. I wasn’t a problem. I sat quietly in class, lost in my own thoughts, doodling. I could focus for hours on books, on coding, on the grains of sand on a sunny beach. I certainly didn’t have an attention disorder.

My dad died in my 2nd year of uni. I didn’t do well. Well meaning counselors said I was high strung and should avoid all sugar and stimulants. Are you kidding? Caffeine kept me sane. Eventually I changed majors, and managed to graduate with a BA.

I even managed to get into grad school, and did entrepreneur things too. But eventually I crumbled again and didn’t finish my thesis. I had anger issues. I was high then low. I would rage and weep. I’d spend weeks in apathy, when I had everything I wanted: a business, a wife, wonderful family. But it was a long dark bleak tunnel every day.

Then I heard a radio show on chronic depression and recognized my symptoms. Got some help and medication, and managed to co-found a company. The anti-depression meds helped, settling on Wellbutrin eventually. But things were still hard.

I got a straight job to help my wife start her career. I worked in an office, coding and structuring information systems. Prestige, recognition, it was great for my ego, good benefits and fair pay.

10 years in this high performance position I crashed from accumulated stress when my mom died. I was prepared with Wellbutrin and counselling and even so I burned out with major depression and anxiety and ptsd symptoms.

Took 3 years off work before I dared to take a job with minimal responsibility. In that time I had full on major ADHD symptoms but didn’t recognize them. I couldn’t say what I did all day.

I couldn’t make a list, couldn’t go in the store. Couldn’t read. Couldn't feed myself. Couldn’t clean. Couldn’t listen. Just- floated in a fog of stress and anxiety. Developed skin issues, auto-immune issues, insomnia, eye twitches. Couldn’t even sit at a computer screen. I was completely useless. Couldn’t leave the house.

Eventually tho, as I worked through what I thought was PTSD, learning to accept the new broken me, I was able to watch a full 20 minute sitcom. Success! I was elated. Who could I tell? Who would celebrate that as an achievement? Yay, you watched TV? Pffft.

But I was thrilled. And I could go to the store. Maybe even buy a few things. Often I’d just sit in the parking lot. But increasingly I could do some things around the house. Walk the dogs. Buy milk. So I accepted when opportunity offered me a lower-stress job related to my interests.

At my new job, I learned to make eye contact again, slowly re-learned to do simple math again. Cashing out would take me over an hour. I tried so hard to remember names and orders. Failed miserably. Tried to accept the new no-brain me. Found comfort in routine tasks. Developed coping strategies for memory. Accepted that maybe my purpose was to be a heart not a brain. My whole self-worth was always being the smart expert. Now I was busted. But that was ok, because it had to be!

Medicated with prescription cannabis and started seeing big improvements in depressive symptoms. That led to being able to exercise. Exercise helped immensely. So I was bringing in a bit of money, I was leaving the house and interacting, and felt much better.

Met a co-worker who told me about her ADHD. I understood completely. Had my first “a-ha!” moment when someone asked me how was it that I understood her. Oh. OH! Other people don’t understand her, and I do. Why?

But, I couldn’t be ADHD, surely? My coworker was classic ADHD in the way I then understood it. Changing topics all over in conversation, but I’d follow right along? We’d chat for hours after work. I grew to admire her strategies for getting things done, her tenacity, her acceptance that she could do things differently.

And as I admired her force-of-nature engagement with the world, her acceptance of herself, I started to be open to the idea that there was more to ADHD than I thought. I really didn’t think I was ADHD, but how was it I could understand and keep up with her? And when I asked her about it, she looked at me like of course I probably had ADHD, and she thought I already knew?

So after working with her for 2 years I started to read about ADHD, because I was experiencing a little less stress and could focus to read again. But I hadn’t found out yet about the emotional dysregulation. I just knew I was functioning again, kinda. And so I embraced the feelings. I chased them, like an addict, seeking to feel good again.

And boy did it feel good to let myself feel. I’d learned to build a box around my emotions, because I was always too sensitive, too happy, too sad, too worried. At my coding job, I just lost myself in matrices and code and denied my emotions. My coworkers had affectionately called me Mr. Roboto. That hurt. But that was the old me. Now, I was going to LIVE and FEEL HAPPY, and it was great. I was elated.

I partied and made new friends and drank too much and got stoned too much and talked too much and in my exploration I left such wreckage around me. I was oblivious at first. But when I saw what I’d done, I was in torment. If I couldn’t be a brain, and I couldn’t be a heart, then what good was I? I desperately wanted to be ordinary, but I didn’t know how, and I was going to lose everything.

And then as I tried to get a handle on my behavior, some ADHD memes popped up on social media, and then they popped up with a funny story and I related. And again. And again. And I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Your blog specifically woke me up to the emotional dysregulation aspect, and following that thread of research made my likely ADHD undeniable. So I did the predictable thing and denied it for another year.

Finally I went in for assessment because if I had it, I couldn’t let my kids go untested and if I was going to ask them to try, I had to start with me. Doc didn’t even blink. Basically said, of course you have ADHD.

This has been everyone’s reaction, when I share my diagnosis with my friends: “Are you really surprised, really?” Yes, dammit, I am! It’s surprising and hard to hear, yes, you are in fact broken. But it’s also freeing. I can stop beating myself up. I can get appropriate help. I can try meds.

I am terrified of stimulants, because I’m super sensitive to caffeine, and even Wellbutrin was unsustainable for me, causing too much jitters. But I’m taking my Vyvanse and being hopeful. If it doesn’t work out, there is a non stimulant option.

I know meds won’t solve everything. I know that I have so many of the strategies already, I recognize them in the ADHD forums, and books. But maybe meds will leave me enough energy to address things. Maybe I’ll be able to Get Things Done.

This medicated hopeful happiness does feel a bit like mania, I’ve learned to be distrustful of my happiness. But if it’s going to be helpful, I’m going to try it. It’s early days.

I’m reading Gina Petra’s Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder. And it’s wrenching. I knew my latest crisis was hard on my family, but I didn’t realize it’s been the whole marriage, it’s been my whole life, school, college, career, midlife! It’s enlightening but hard to read testimonials from people living with untreated ADHD partners, and recognize myself in their stories. I had no idea of the extent ADHD was contributing to my personality and behavior.

My wife and kids deserve to be off the rollercoaster. I also deserve to be happy. I want to look forward to each day again instead of waking up knowing I’m going to fuck up again.

So it’s not a comfortable place to be, here in the spotlight. But it sure as hell beats being in the dark and blindly flinging myself in a new direction. It’s revealing. It means taking personal responsibility.

But it also means hope. Hope that it can be better. Hope I can stop hurting the people I love. Hope I can be the person I want to be, the person I’ve been on occasion. It means hope for sustainable stable relationships and jobs.

#adhd #actually adhd #adhd tag #abcs of adhd #diagnosis story #adhd story

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indulgnces · 4 years

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hello! it’s jess again with my new final girl bb brooke under the cut! (AHS 1984 SPOILERS!) I’m playing her pre-prison for the most part, but legit after this next episode there are gonna be some new attributes given to her, so I’ll circle back and change as needed after Wednesday!

❛ ( LILY COLLINS ) ◈ dude, shut up ! BROOKE THOMPSON from AHS: 1984 is on screen. their fans swear they’re just COMPASSIONATE & CLEVER, but we’ve all seen their RESERVED & SKEPTICAL side ! according to TRUMAN WIKIA, they’re TWENTY-FOUR years old, CLOSETED BISEXUAL, & identify as CISFEMALE ( SHE/HER ). they’re currently a VETERINARY ASSISTANT & are CONFUSED about life in truman. luckily they have THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING AND HER KNIFE with them & can visit THE ROLLER RINK whenever they want. penned by JESS.

so her bio is always subject to change depending on what happens, as her show is currently airing, so a final version of her won’t come around for another couple weeks. but below is a sketch of my sweet & badass final girl brooke thompson (spoiler warning for ahs 1984!!)

CANON LIFE

(gun tw, murder tw)

“I, uh I had this dumb idea, this, this dream to-” “To be somebody?” “No. To be nobody.....I pretended for so long to be somebody that I wasn't. Now I don't even know who I am.”

was a smart child who liked to learn. top of her all her classes. goodie-goodie who I wouldn’t call a nerd or a teacher’s pet, just like a prepared student who kept to herself and aced all her shit

things were smooth but then there was this entitled jerky bad Nice Guy who kept coming in 2nd behind her, and instead of pushing himself to idk be smarter than brooke and be on top on his own, he bitched and straight up stopped talking to brooke

that wasn’t enough for the baby tho, and so he convinced everyone else in their class to stop talking to brooke too. fucking iced out by her entire class

brooke did not like that. v much did not like that. she is a bit of a people pleaser, and can be easily peer pressured, and the idea of people thinking of her in a negative light, the idea that she was making other people mad or upset for some reason, didn’t set well with her, so she started to fail on purpose

pretended to be dumber than she was until she fell into the #2 spot, then the icing out stopped and the mean Nice Guy asked brooke out and ....she said yes bc well, why not?

flash forward and he’s asking her to marry him and she says yes for the same reasons before and though they’ve been together for years, they’ve never had sex/were saving themselves

did i forget to mention Nice Guy was a jealous guy? i feel like that was implied, but yeah he was a v jealous boy, and during their wedding he accused brooke of sleeping with his best man sam duke (montana’s brother wassup), then proceeded to shoot sam, brooke’s dad when he tried to protect brooke, and then aimed that gun at brooke before shooting himself instead

#traumatized

brooke got the hell out of dodge after that. didn’t want to be that girl anymore. didn’t want to be the Smart Girl or the Girl Who Slept With Her Fiance’s Best Man or the Girl With The Crazy Fiance or the Girl With The Murder Wedding like she just didn’t want to be anybody, wanted to blend into a crowd of strangers and disappear

where better to do that than los angeles?

moved to la, got into santa monica college to take classes towards becoming a veterinarian assistant, was just gonna chill

then the night stalker decided to break into her apartment and try to kill her, but she’s got Balls and is clever when in danger, so she beat him with a frying pan and made a lot of noise and her neighbors heard and saved her life so #bless

decided again to get the hell out of dodge and go with a group of new friends to be a camp counselor at camp redwood for the summer because fun!!!! and safety, mostly

except not fun OR safe bc their first night there and she’s nearly killed by THREE killers (richard, mr.jingles, and fucking MONTANA) on separate occasions, had a traumatized night all around, and when daylight broke, she managed to kill that bitch montana in an act of self defense

bad timing tho bc she gutted her when a bus full of children were driving by, so like, not a good look, and then that bitch camp owner & true serial killer psycho margaret decided to pin all the murders on brooke so (upside down smile face emoji yknow the one)

brooke was found guilty and, after five years in jail, was sentenced to death by lethal injection

sentence was carried, brooke died an Absolute Boss, giving no fucks to richard (this man terrified her before and now she doesnt give two shits my gIRL!!), spitting at margaret, just being a badass, and then afterwards donna gave her a dose of adrenaline and brought my girl back to life

donna brought her back to health, and during that time brooke bonded and began to trust her. she also found out about margaret returning to camp redwood for a festival, and has made it her mission to go back and gut that lying bitch for the hell she put her through before she can go on with her life

also on her one day of fun out of the hotel after her recovery, she had a brief run in with a psycho serial killer bc (donna &) brooke’s apparently just serial killer BAIT, but guess what? just like every time before my girl used her fucking brain and got both her and donna out of their situation, and because she’s a badass now, she didn’t run away this time, instead she stayed and finished the job - opting to tie the psycho up and cut off his hitchhiking thumbs like a fucking BOSS i love her

now walking the way to redwood with her girl donna

and that’s everything of brooke thus far in canon! I’ll add more when the series ends!

FUN FACTS & HEADCANONS

did not sleep with sam, thank you very much

lost her virginity to ray, the ghost, during that traumatizing night at redwood and it was only Okay

was kissed by montana during that traumatizing night before it came to light that montana fucking hated her guts, and um that split second kiss did more for her than sex with ray? (no tea no shade ray you got a shudder or two out of her okay (but not the o oof)) brooke didn’t know she could feel that way towards women until montana kissed her and that shit SCARED her so she freaked and ran

so you know how brooke told donna not to kill that psycho killer who tried to kill them when they were on the road? it wasn’t because she wanted to torture him. it’s because she didn’t want donna to have to go through the trauma of killing somebody. bc even though she knows she was justified in killing montana, and she had to do it to save her life, she still went through the trauma of knowing she ended someone’s life, and she compassionate and doesn’t want her friend to deal with it either. she’s not about that murder game now, she’s not gonna kill if she don’t have to. but she’s not the same as she was before, not gonna let ppl get off scotch free - aka why she took the man’s thumbs & tied him up: punishment for what he did, and she left him there vulnerable to either die, or more likely: be found by a passing car, and face the punishment for what he did

girl really is serial killer bait though. idk what it is. when she was an innocent girl just trying to get through life? encountered her joey her fiance (killed 3 ppl including himself), ramirez (killed 13? people and counting), montana (psycho killed at least 2 people, presumably more, and counting), and mr. jingles (killed 5+ people) - most of who just wanted to kill her to killer her. then she became a bad bitch. and again, serials killers took an interest in her, with both ramirez & psycho bruce hitchhiker both amused by her new thick skin smhhh, girl can’t catch a break one way or another with these killers.

TRUMAN

“I don’t know what’s real. I- I don’t even trust myself.”

ah, truman, brooke has been utterly confused about truman

because brooke, she buys the story the actors have told her

okay, so she moved to truman after the Red Wedding nightmare, okay, sure

but like, she spent five years in jail for crimes she didn’t commit, and that shit has left an IMPRESSION on this girl and so she’s also like, something doesn’t add up

but she’s not suspicious by nature, and she’ll believe what she’s been told, because why rock the boat and say otherwise?

so she got her degree in truman in biology, with intentions to pursue veterinary school for her doctorate and obtain her license, and she hasn’t spoken her doubts aloud

but like, LATELY (*cough* with the season’s premiere *cough*), babe’s been more confused than usual, with intense bouts of memories coming back to her

and she’s expressed these distressing memories to the actors, who act the same way the redwood crew did to her when she told them she was being chased by mr.jingles that first episode: they mocked and laughed her off, got her to believe what they needed her to

but just like redwood, with each passing week the memories won’t stop, and she’s been Distressed and then her PRISON EPISODE hit her and the sensation of dying has fully convinced her that these are not just dreams, these events are real, and she’s not sure how to process it

since the memories have returned, her new experiences and thick skin from prison has returned, making her wary of strangers once again, but it’s battling with her current perception of the world, and it’s all especially especially in this place that’s filled with people trying to tell her that’s she crazy for her memories

PERSONALITY

okay so, before prison? girl was naive and dependent and trusting and believed n the best of people. she got scared easy, had trouble being alone at night, and relied on the people around her for protection in life. she went with the flow and had little agency in her life, as she allowed her controlling fiance to p much dictate her life tbh

before prison but after her red wedding, brooke became more reserved then usual, because she had an intense desire to be alone, and to be away from the stigmas and the reputation she had in her old life following the nightmare event. it was her first taste of independence, though she was still dependent in nature, as the second a group of friends came into her life, she found herself following their lead, tagging along.

after prison? total change. five years - NO, 1825 DAYS - in prison absolutely changed her. she looked back at her life and that night and realized she was too trusting. she got warnings and scares multiple times that day and night at redwood, from the gas station employee to the hitchhiker to the mystery phone call to the news report to LITERALLY BEING CHASED and she still didn’t follow her gut - instead she tried to do what everyone else around her told her to do, which was relax because she was supposedly being paranoid. if she had pushed, if she had the nerve to walk away even, none of this would have happened. and she hates herself for that.

she spent five years as an innocent victim with scary guilty criminals, and she grew a thick skin as a result. lost her innocence and her wide-eyed charm.

not she’s skeptical, and even more reserved than before, and wary to strangers. she’s still compassionate and helpful, still feels for people and had an urge to help, but she doesn’t follow those urges as helplessly as she did before. she trusts her gut more.

carries around a knife too because, as said earlier, she’s some kinda magnet for killers and you can never be too safe!

I called her clever because my girl, when in life and death situations,is SO FUCKING SMART like she does not go out without a fight and it’s never full on “imma hit you with my fists” its “let me see what I have around me at my disposal” like she is smart and she is quick to grasp a new situation when her life is in peril, she out here wielding frying pans and canoe paddles and using two serials killers pushing her around in a net as momentum to grab a tree and climb out of her net like she’s so smart

when her life is not in peril, though, she be doing dumb shit like sleeping with her window open KNOWING serial killers take advantage of that shit and answering creepy pay phones in the middle of the night so, shes a naive bitch too

positive: compassionate, determined, honest, clever, resourceful, helpful, kind

negative: reserved, skeptical, resentful, paranoid, tense, touchy, withdrawn

SUBJECT TO CHANGE! as the season progresses.

CANON CONNECTIONS

i basically love brooke with all of the redwood gang tbh

montana? love it. angsty dark shit im game. xavier? love it. soft as fuuuck. richard? game, tell him to fuck off sis he don’t scare you no more. donna? bet, I need this badass duo in my life!!! chet? adorable babies, let them share more marshmallows together. ray? also cute, he may be a coward but he was soft with her so!, trevor? #letsmakebrookeblush2k19 bc that big dick interaction was funny and I wanted more moments of blushing virgin brooke becoming speechless around trevor (and montana, or the ultimate combo of trevor & montana) during a summer at redwood bUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED

anyways

TRUMAN CONNECTIONS

once again, I’ll probs post smth separate for her connections!

and yeah! that’s everything on my new girl! if you’ve made it this far, you’re still the best my dudes!! if you’d like to do any kind of plotting with my girl, just go ahead and hit that like button, and I’ll slide in y’alls dms! ♥

#truman:intro #intro #face is subject to change as I feel lily out for her #i also didnt proof this so #ahs spoilers

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thedailystudy · 5 years

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27/09/19 • 63/100 DAYS OF PRODUCTIVITY // view from my desk ! this is like obviously a very bad snapchat photo lol but look how cuuuuute luna looks

went to my discussion section + participated! (i am always so so nervous about speaking in class after i have a break from school so i’m always having to push myself to do it more and feel better about it. today i didn’t give a great answer in class and i was beating myself up about it after class, but i’m trying to remember that it’s ok. i did the thing instead of just sitting there silently! and that’s good. and it’s a learning opportunity to grow from. for real tho i was like SO anxious when i talked like heart pounding temperature rising what’s up anxiety my old buddy thought i’d shaken ya for a sec there)

got a tuberculosis blood test + a flu shot

completed an online training module for the college honors program i want to do

finally went through my big bag of flyers and stuff from the big activities fair on tuesday + bookmarked the ones i want to try out

drafted an excel spreadsheet for the next 2 years of classes inspired by this video from bestdressed (unfortunately i’m not as good at excel as she is so mine is like the knockoff version of her brand name spreadsheet lmao but i’m gonna make an appt with an academic counselor soon so i wanted to prepare!)

showered (trying to steam the sickness out of my body lol)

did some cleanin around the house (dishes, organizing our ‘pantry’, finally washing my water bottle, tidying my clothes)

#studyblr #studyblrgetsreal #100 days of productivity #studyspo #student #tds

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duckybeth99 · 6 years

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I was working on backstory fic for the Wilson family before my phone was replaced and now it’s erased lol and I’m not gonna rewrite the entire thing so uhhh here’s the summary

Alma’s a Mexican immigrant, lost her mom before her family left, she lived with her dad and three brothers named Javier, Pablo, and Carlos. She’s the youngest but the strongest and smartest, she moved around a lot before her family settled in riverview and met Alex’s dad in high school. Andrew’s parents got divorced when he was really young and he developed anxiety that started out as test anxiety and grew into social anxiety and performance anxiety, defined by serious panic attacks he had in middle school. He was great at sports, knew soccer, baseball, and basketball with the latter being his main sport in mid/high school. The two started dating in high school, went to different colleges, and got married shortly after they got their careers set up with alma as a vet and Andrew doubling as a school counselor and therapist. Marianna is the first, she grew up knowing Johnny and they both played together in her mom’s vet office and one year for johnny’s birthday they got him a dog from the shelter (now Indiana) with John’s help and permission. Marianna was one of the first people to know Johnny was trans and helped support him all through high school, they were best friends with Harry, johnnys boyfriend in high school at the time, and Marianna was a cheerleader and photographer/main yearbook editor for several years. When Harry left for college and time passed a little, Marianna and Johnny had a brief fling in college that didn’t last only cuz they were better friends bordering on a sibling bond than they were at dating. Marianna studied primarily photography with some journalism and is a freelance photographer typically for events like graduations or weddings. When she joins the gang in magic, mabuz and Johnny give her a magic lasso and teach her to use/fight with it.

Stella is the third child, not much about her. She’s really fascinated in magic especially after she finds out it’s real. Probably best friends with marlin and mo’s kids. She wants to learn magic even if she isn’t born with any of it. Really curious, bubbly, loud, loves all animals like alma and Alex. Clumsy. Loves to draw and loves pink

Aaaaaaaaand Alex. Oh Alex. Middle child, really timid unlike his sisters, real sensitive and emotional kid. Bullied in kindergarten but Beth defended him with what everyone would later realize was a burst of her powers. He joined her and heather in playing as kids until heather split, and Alex stayed with Beth. Alex managed to develop other friends in middle school while Beth couldn’t, though he always maintained she was his best friend even when he developed a crush on her. It didn’t go far tho because Beth got a crush on Travis Middleton who did bully her in grade school but was getting nicer with age. As Beth became more depressed in high school, Alex tried to help but there seemed to be more going on with her than he knew and he didn’t know what to do. When she died, he got badly depressed, withdrew from his other friends and his activities of baking and art, music, gaming, animals, sports, all of it. He couldn’t let go of the fact that he didn’t save her. He withdrew from his family too, though less so than his other school mates. Travis once tried to offer condolences and Alex snapped at him in front of everyone, saying he didn’t know anything about her and letting out a repressed jealousy. Heather invited Alex to a party later on to get him to be social again (and get him to like her after Travis broke up with her) and he instead broke down at the party and left. Time and opening up was what he needed and was struggling with until Beth decided she could trust him with the truth that she was back as a ghost. They started their friendship over again and Alex eventually, finally, got the courage to tell Beth he loved her and dated her. This was short cut when merhib caught word and intervened while Alex went to buy Beth a gift: a crystal heart. Merhib crashed an empty car with his mind into the one Marianna and Alex was in, though neither died. Merhib wanted Alex dead, so he controlled Alex’s neck to snap it with the same power he used for the crash. Dead, Alex returned in the upsidedown (much to the continued frustration of merhib, with a kid who didn’t seem to go away, until he put a curse on him so he couldn’t escape upside). Alex was taken care of by Thomas and Marion while trapped, on a side plot sort of thing compared to the main plot on upside, where the three were trying to find a way to get Alex out and back to Beth. This didn’t work until one lucky breakthrough, and it was only temporary. He was sent back a few days later, but was able to reveal himself to Beth and his family. Sucked back, Marianna vowed to join in the magic world for the sake of her brother and friends and Beth made a final deal with merhib to protect all those she loved in exchange for whatever he wanted from her, including rescuing Alex from the upsidedown for good. Now able to roam freely, Alex mainly lives alone in his own home in the upsidedown as a pet sitter for normal and abnormal pets alike and sometimes helped his mom at the vet disguised as still alive

That’s the basic summary!! I’d also like to think before he was saved and returned to living with his family upside, he lived with either Thomas or Marion. When he felt old enough to move out from his childhood home is when he went back to the upsidedown for the sake of ease of fitting in there better than upside

#welcome to riverview #pls read........ i worked hard on that fic so at least glance at alexs portion cuz He Important

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loveyoutodeath666 · 3 years

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Lets see here 2/23/21

oof. its been a while. almost 8 months now i think. things have changed and still stayed the same. i’m a very different person now but i think thats for the better. processing everything that happened in OH SHIT ITS 11:11 niceeeee back to what i was saying, that happened in 2019 and 2020 has been difficult but i think im finally getting over those things now. right now i wont lie, im lonely. I have friends i just dont like them very much if im going to be honest. it isnt their faults, we just dont align as much. the only reason why i miss **** at this point is because i miss being best friends with someone who makes me laugh and who feels like a companion. its sad tho because thats not how he felt about me im sure. how can someone that much older than you feel that way?? thats like being close friends with a camper and your a camp counselor. its weird. im trying to find a new person to date other than keith because well im just not attracted to him. were still rly close tho. we hang out almost every week. i think hes still in love with me all these months later. back to what i was saying, its hard to find a potential person who is my age. everyone my age is so boring an uniform. even the people who are a bit older are boring and uniform but sometimes theres like one person who seems interesting at least. i went to work today. gary mixed his painkillers and had a bad reaction and vomitted while there were people in the store. jj even called 911 but then told them nevermind because gary didnt want him to call them. I called angela though. im scared to go to college. ive gotten into two rly good schools so far but the thought of being so far away is scary. i feel like i might have an elisa lam moment and go psycho or something. derealization and anxiety and depression are things i still deal with unfortunately. i dont think that my depression is worse but the anxiety is certainly new which gives me hope it will go away tbh. maybe the dr will too. i think thats about it. so long.

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flyingcookierambles · 4 years

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hhh

got afab’d at the eye doctor today arrgh

i wouldve corrected him but like. i doubt that ill go there again since it was like a super quick kinda-non emergency thing and i have a regular eye doctor i go to. also my mom was in the room and like. i didnt wanna bring it up with her there and all but like. uugh.

he just like immediately picked female on the gender option even tho there was an other option and everything wtf?????????????

hmmm also i had to go to the doctors for a quick check up/physical thing since im/my mom is going to make me get my drivers license and you have to have a doctors note and all and i went to my moms doctor or the first time since i aged out of my pediatrician. and like? they had me and my mom in the same room which was kinda weird???? like for the whole patient confidentiality thing (which wouldve been useless since like my mom knows more abt my medical history than me) and like also the whole. pandemic thing??? like?? it was me, my mom, and the nurse practitioner crammed into a tiny basic exam room?? maybe bc my mom has been going to this doctors’ office for a long time and also since we’re family, they must’ve figured taht we both dont have covid and couldnt spread it to each otehr like other random patients who are strangers to each other but still. it was. annoying.

the nurse asked me some questions about like my medical history. and all and i couldnt answer some of it bc i dont remember exact dates/times and stuff. but also she asked if i had been diagnosed with depression or anything and like if my mom wasnt in the room, i wanted to say that my mom wont let me see a therapist and/or be diagnosed.

so like when i turned 18 i had a final check up at my former pediatrician before they kicked me out of the system lol. i am p sure that it was for shots and stuff that i needed for college???

anyways despite being 18, they had my mom in the room with me the whole time. and then they gave me a worksheet that was a basic “do you have depression” test. and the doctor left, but my mom was allowed to stay???

and like. since i was starting college and stuff at the time, and also was/am causing my lower middle class family great financial hardship in the form of college tuition and student loans with predatory interest rates and increasing the chances of losing our house bc, with the combo of my dad dying and the recession of the early 2000′s and general declining quality ever since earlier mentioned death, our family business sucks and we barely make any money. also my mom keeps complaining about this to me and it constantly hangs over my head and i feel guilty about being a dumbass who cant get a job and repay the stupid loans (how tf is interest rates on student loans legal??? fuck capitalism????) (uuughghgh i feel like my mom should get herself a therapist or smth instead of constantly complaining to her eldest agab child uuuhghghghgh. id make one of those eldest d*ughter jokes but im not a g*rl so eldest child lol)

anyways yeah so like 4 years ago when i was starting college and also today to a degree i felt like a massive piece of shit and had social anxiety and also probably depression that is only kept at bay by constantly distracting myself with anime and video game. and like. maybe??? i couldve benefited from talking to a therapist or counselor or getting medication????? instead of?? like?? whatever my obsession with anime and video games is???

buuuuuuut since the pediatrician let my mom stay in the room for some reason, my mom, a boomer who knows nothing of mental health and is kinda insensitive about it so its super cringe to talk to her abt stuff, was like “you’re not depressed. youre a middle class kid who’s never like starved or whatever. just answer 1 on everything.” (the scale of depression was like 1 - not feeling depressed much to 5 - i feel like this everyday.)

so yeah?????

wow sorry doctor i cant answer half your questions about my medical history bc im either adopted and dont know my own genetics or my mom wont let me get tested for mental illness?????????????

once at 2018 or 19 tekko, i wanted to go into the dnd room and like i got so socially anxious i had a crying breakdown in the freaking hallway and had to like. sit down alone and try to look normal by playing my 3ds on the floor. like i hovered outside the door to the dnd room for a whole hour just like staring in and wanting to go in really badly but i couldnt???? i just???? cried????? in public????????? had a breakdown or something at an anime convention??????????????? i like dont even know what the heck happened 2 years ago or if that’s what it would be called but like????????? im pretty sure that mentally healthy people with no social anxiety problems dont stand outside a room for half an hour and then start crying bc you cant bring yourself to go into the room even tho the door is like wide open?????????? thankfully i finally just like went in and joined a the last game session of the day, but it was still like surreal to me?????? i just??? extremely loathed myself for like an hour for crying and not being able to walk thru a doorway it was so weird i felt like absolute garbage and im p sure that normal ppl dont go thru that??????

since i only make like. $11 an hour at a retail job im not really sure if i can even afford a therapist, and then theres also transportation and also the whole pandemic thing. but ive been thinking about like 7cups or something. there was also this other website that showed you therapists that were uniquely qualified for treating poc/queer/neurodivergent/etc., ppl in your area and there was surprisingly a few in the pittsburgh area that i could probs get to by bus, so maybe ill save money and go like. next year or something. or like. whenever the pandemic is over.

#idk man #rambles

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pennyfynotes · 7 years

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8.17.17 // 4:00pm // guide to freshman year of college

so... you've finally finished high school and you feel like you're on top of the world. then you realize you're going to college, where you'll be a super small fish in a very large pond. which is totally ok. here are some tips to make your transition to college easier. good luck! xoxo, m

ps. i also have a post about making friends here.

1. contact+coordinate with your roommate. your roommate will likely be one of the first people you meet at college and your are going to have to live with them for at least a year (unless something goes terribly wrong). take the time to reach out to them and figure out a little bit about them. from a more practical standpoint, you might want to find out what time they're planning on moving in and also figure out how you're going to split the cost+share the larger items.

>>>when are they moving in? there are a couple ways to approach this. you can try and move in at the same time so you can have equal input as to how to organize the room and who gets which bed/desk etc. you can also move in at different times to minimize the amount of people and mess in the room at once. if one of you really doesn't care about their bed being next to the window or stuff like that, this might be a good option. if you've gotten really close with your roommate after talking to them, maybe have them call you and take a picture so you can hash it out. that is if they get there first. you could also reverse the roles.

>>>who's bringing what? there are items that you both don't need to purchase. these might include: a full length mirror, microwave, fridge, coffeemaker/electric kettle and other things of that nature. try to figure out how to evenly split this. if one person gets the fridge (probably ~$100), then maybe the other person can get a couple of the smaller, cheaper items. there is also the option to just "split the bill" but (my mom brought up an excellent point last year) then there is the hassle of determining ownership at the year's end, especially if you don't plan to continue rooming together.

2. read as much as you can about move-in day. it's always going to be chaotic, that's a given. however, try to figure out where you need to go and how you're going to get there. and don't just look at a map and say "so my dorm is here, we can just unload in this random parking lot". chances are the university will have a system set up and it's a pain if you try to go to the wrong place. be as knowledgeable as you can to minimize frustration and chaos. if there isn't a lot of information available, pay super close attention to any signs around campus. now is not the time to be watching netflix on your phone.

3. get the important stuff done first. unpack your stuff, get your ID and all that jazz. it's important to be friendly and get to know people, but don't get too sidetracked and wind up with no way to get into your building because you didn't get your student ID. a way to combine making friends and getting things done is to go as a group to get important papers.

4. savor time with your family. if you're lucky enough that your family has come with you, don't blow them off. say proper goodbyes and the like bc you probably won't see them for a while (unless you like super close to your college).

5. get to know your roommate in person (+ maybe set some ground rules). your roommate doesn't have to be your best friend. but at least try to get to know them, they are putting up with you for 2 semesters after all. if there are things you know that will annoy you, try to address them and put down some rules. you might have to make so accommodations, but they will probably have to too. the way i see it, rooming together isn't about friendship (though it can be), it's about peaceful coexistence.

6. figure out how things work. common things that are a little tricky are: where are things/facilities/buildings, how does the bus system work + how does the meal plan work. you will likely have some sort of upperclassman advisor/counselor person, so get these questions answered before class starts. you don't want to realize you went to the wrong building or are on the wrong bus 5 minutes before class begins. it's not a big deal (profs are pretty understanding), but don't give extra stress the opportunity to arise.

7. get your textbooks. this is so important. some teachers will start using the textbooks right away and it's always easier if you've gotten them in advance. however, be smart about getting textbooks bc those things are damn expensive.

>>> rent from amazon. this is so amazing. a lot of the time you'll be able to save a fair amount of money by renting rather than buying. there's always the option to buy at the end of the rental period. if you find out you don't need the book you can return within the first 30 days with a prepaid shipping label for a full refund.

>>> buy older editions. chances are, you'll be able to get away with using the older edition of a textbook. some profs might be really picky or assign hw out of them without providing an edition conversion chart (tho you may be able to find one online), but you can probably do it. exhibit a: there was no option to rent y orgo textbook and the newest (recommended) edition was $100. i got the second most recent edition for about $6.

>>> google for pdf versions. sometimes you get super lucky and find pdfs of textbooks online for free. some people prefer paper copies of books, but saving the money and the weight in my bag is good enough for me

8. find a study buddy. admittedly i did not do this, though it probably would have been helpful. find a friend or buddy in each class you take that can give you notes if you're sick or that you can study with/ask questions to. you will also be able to suffer together. there is strength in numbers.

9. join clubs/extracurriculars. you might become really good friend with your hallmates or you might not. sometimes it's easier to find friends in clubs because you have similar interests. they're also a great way to meet upperclassmen and make those connections. upperclassmen are always helpful.

10. reinvent yourself. not saying you have to give yourself a total makeover, but if there are things that defined you in hs that you don't identify with anymore, you can change that. it's hard to change yourself and other people's assumptions of you when you've known them since 1st grade. you have a clean slate now. if there's something you want to leave behind, go for it.

11. don't lose yourself. this may seem rather contradictory to the previous statement, but don't give up everything you are. college can sometimes be overwhelming and you'll find yourself letting go of things you love like certain hobbies or interests. if you still love it, dont let it go. make time for it. you might not be able to keep up with it to the same extent you did in hs (which makes me sad and is quite unfortunate), but don't let it die.

>>> same goes for personality/values. it's so tempting to change yourself to fit in. remember you don't have to

12. if you need to go to class, go. as i mentioned earlier, i'm not as much of a proponent you should never skip class mantra. if the lecturer is good and you get good information from lecture, then you should go. if the lecturer is terrible and you have other better resources to get your information from, you might be okay just not going.

13. try not to fall behind. it will take you forever to catch up. sometimes you have to sacrifice being prepared for one class to study for another, but try to avoid this as much as possible. once you do that, it takes forever to get back up to speed in that other class. chances are, once you hit your first midterm in your first class, they're never going to end. you might be used to having 3 weeks in between tests, but oftentimes in college they're spaced in such a way that you don't get much of a break. like i said, falling behind is a nightmare.

14. take care of your mental health. your health is still the most important. you won't perform well if your mental health has gone out the window, so do make time for that. more on that here and here.

best of luck as you enter college and (as i always say) i'm always here if you have more questions or need more advice :) xoxo, m

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mxrcayong · 4 years

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I study in Brazil, here school starts at the end of January/early February, and vacation is in July (literally just a week in public school which was my case) and it ends in December💚

(P2) I swear, I've spent 17 years trying to know what the hell I was gonna do when graduated, but I finally found what I liked, when I had to choose which course I wanted I was like "should I really be a teacher? What if I'm not good enough? Let's get to the plan b" now I regret it a lot but fighting right?! So, where do you study? 💚

BRO!! I went through a similar issue but i always was like “communications handles everything i like, right????”. at the end of the day, i had this amazing college counselor who told me about this course that basically lets me do whatever (it’s essentially liberal arts in the us, but like i said, i didnt wanna do the us college entrance exams haha)

i study in london!! so i’m vv used to the september schedule haha, i’m first year as well tho :) hows it like in brazil?

#anon #💚

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paleconda · 5 years

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blog- 9th february.

i- as an american doing pretty damn well job of pulling off as british- do not like to do american-like things. such having having wet and cringe humour, being unnecessarily loud, being blatantly ignorant on world culture/affairs (no offence), and especially opening myself up. one thing i’ve noticed is that brits always keep to themselves and rarely discuss thier deep feelings and thoughts with other people. they’re not very open to tel you their life story, and i’m the same way.not to say that i’m not down to earth, bc i very much am. i just stay quaint when it comes to public situations. that being said, my journey and story on my sexuality is very personal, deep and complicated, and unfortunately, i feel like i have to go into massive detail on what’s all happened and how it’s impacted me. it’ll make me vulnerable, but easier to understand and empathise with. this is going to be a particularly long read tho.

the date is 07/07/2010. it was the summer before the 7th grade and i had just realised my sexuality only a few months earlier. the worst night of my life. the night my parents found out about my sexuality. i was only 12. but the way the found out was rather quite stupid and embarrassing (no i wasn’t wanking and it wasn’t porn). at the time, i didn't have a phone. and my favourite show would come on at 1 am. but i didn't feel like staying up late, so what i did was borrow my grandmas phone and set an alarm. well in the alarm it had an option for a message. well my dumbass self put “get the hell up you bisexual fucker”. yeah. well, when my grandma went to puerto rico for a funeral, she left her phone bc she wouldn’t have any service over there. and i had forgotten to take off that alarm. so my mom is just going thru the phone (idk why) and she happens to come across it. she calls me downstairs and confronts me about it. after about 10 minutes what seems like an interrogation ( and me not talking, i felt as tho i had no choice but to admit it). they started crying and told me how its never okay even if the world says it is, and they brought up sodom and gomorrah and told me i needed to have a long prayer. my relationship with them hasn't never really been the same since then. so after that, i kinda ignored thinking about my sexuality. i would just go thru my day, occasionally look at gay pictures at night, then go to sleep. then, toward the end of 7th grade, i ended up taking nudes and sending them on http://showyourdick.com (terrible, i know) and they. ended. up. seeing. the. pics. it made things a shit tonne worse. i was still closeted at school, i had been accused of being gay as early as 4th grade, before i even knew i was gay (im actually bi/pan, but lets just use the word gay for now). fast foward to the beginning of 9th grade (late 2012). i had already been stanning nicki for almost a year, but i was still closeted. i also had a tumblr account(not this one). not only did i still kinda feel bad about being gay, but i was terribly insecure as well. i ended up starting to cut myself around late September. but for a while it was only on my thighs bc i didnt want anyone to see. later, in january 2013, i was feeling really depressed one night, and i kinda went on a cutting tirade. (trigger warning) i even cut my arm. i remember feeling the warm blood running down my leg and feeling dizzy, with my ears fogging up and nearly passing out in the bathroom. this next part may sound wierd. maybe its just me, maybe it was the fogging in my ears, idk. but i remember hearing nickis voice, almost aloud, and she said Stop. crazy init. the next morning, i got really scared, bc my sleeve wouldn't completely cover up the scars. well, one of my teachers saw (i still dont know who) and reported it to the office, and one of the guidance counselors called my parents and told them. another really bad day. the next day, my guidance counselor called me down, even the principle came in the room. they told me they were sending me to a place where i would have therapy. i agreed to it, but i wasnt aware that i would be forced to spend 3 nights there. its called being Baker Acted. the deputy at my school called my mom and told her where they were taking me but they didn't tell her i was required by law to spend 72 consecutive hours there. so when she came to pick me up that night, thats when she found out. needless to say she was crying. alot. and as if it wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be her wedding anniversary. i end up relapsing 2 more times after that whole ordeal. the last time was march 9th, 2013. so things temporarily improve for the summer. i ended up (finally) coming out to my closest friends. but i never made a big deal out of it. like i never made a big post on facebook or IG or anything. I kinda just let people figure it out and have their own assumptions. so september rolls around and i end up getting depressed again (september is always a bad month for me) but i promised myself i wouldnt cut myself again. so i end up overdosing. alot. 7 pills at a time. (it was just vyvanse tho, its not like it was percs or oxycodone.) so my parents went thru my texts and they found out about what i was doing and thats when the trust begins to deterioate again. they would always take away my phone at night. they said its bc of some report they saw on the news where having your phone in your room while your sleeping is unhealthy (which.. they were right. but it’s ovbious that wasn’t the real reason they took it.) it was bloody annoying. but back then, they would only take it on school nights, and sometimes i would sneak it back, and although they got mad, they wouldn't really do anything about it. also, as you could’ve probably guessed, i had downloaded a couple of gay apps because i was curious. the first time i downloaded grindr, i was in the 8th grade. and it wasn't the only app i would download. there was also hornet and jack’d. well, theres this one guy who i ended up talking to. and i end up sending nudes to him on kik. and my parents end up going through my kik. this was in december 2013. my horny self was just tryna hookup. welp. they see the messages. things go downfuckinghill fast. they barge into my room, one second they're yelling at me shoving the screen in my face and then the next thing I know my dad is shoves me down and kicks me multiple times, and my mom ends up calling the police and filing a report. to say it was traumatising is an understatement. but because it's kik, theres not much they can do. this renders me phoneless all the way until june of 2015. and at this point i wanna take a little bit of a detour. bc i almost feel as though my life as a normal teenager has been robbed.

some of you may ask why i didn’t move in with relatives or just file a report to social services.

they wouldn't let me. and bc they're broke and aren't good at finances, that's what they (we’re) doing anyway. my family is living with my grandparents for like the 4th time since i was born. so they change the password in my phone and im only allowed to use it when they say (this is february 2014, roughly) and i have to be in the same room as them. and then in march, something goes wrong with my phone and it wont read the SIM card. so now i can't even call or text. things just didn’t get better that year. its summer 2014, and now they suddenly change the password to my laptop. (they still won't tell me the password). i started crying and begged them to change it back. so they did. but just a month later, on July 11th, they change it. and its stayed that way. so now its june of 2015. they buy me a new phone, but they said there are "rules for having the phone" and they take it away every night. well, in november, i had downloaded grindr. theres this feature on my phone where i can hide an app, but one day, back in november, i forgot to hide the app. so they saw it. and they didn't even open the app (it was password locked) and i refused to give them the password. so now im phoneless.... again. and this time they wouldn't even let me use it... at all. so i went back to having to use my grandmas phone and computer to log onto Twitter. for the longest time, i could only be on twitter from 4-8pm on weekdays bc thats whenever i had access. fast foward to april 2016 and im taking a college class across town. all of a sudden, my mom hands me my phone, and im shocked. she says im only having it on a "limited basis". so for about a month, im only allowed to use it outside the house, but they eventually let up. every once in a while, we still get into an argument about it. may 2016: its time for me to choose what college to go to. my mom had made me apply to a christian university about 30 miles away. i didnt wanna go, but the other college i had been looking at had ran into financial trouble, the big public university in my city didn't accept me, and i didn't wanna go to a community college. plus, the christian university (southeastern University) offered me a bunch of money in scholarships. and i honestly felt forced to go. by august of 2016, things start to drastically change. most of it is in a good way, but there are still some things that are... iffy, for lack of a better term. i’m beginning to lose weight and my grades are actually good for once, but my phone is still taken way at night all the way to december, when they finally stop. then in january 2017, i am finally able to buy an iphone. at this point, everything sort of catches up to the previous post. there’s still loads for me to explain but this is enough for now.

on a side note, it’s amazing how different things are for me now after looking back at all that. i still can’t believe that we are in 2019 and that i graduated high school nearly 3 years ago. i’m gobsmacked at how much i have changed since then. it’s a lot to ponder on. and i’m glad to say that i’m currently at the happiest place i’ve been in for years. maybe ever.

end.

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joestar-shine · 7 years

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I was going to live stream but ehh. I’ll go on to Part 5 since my friends on here have gone on without me. At this point I don’t fucking care anymore. I just want to get on with my life. I hope Part 5 will help me through this stressful time in my life. Jojo always brings me happiness. It never fails me.

I already failed my classes. All I have to do is finish the final exams and come back for summer school….right? If it’s online then it wouldn’t be too bad so it wouldn’t be so much on an inconvenience.

Well, I’m not supposed to be working this summer because my doctor said I needed to rest, don’t stress, and get my sleeping back on schedule.

But I can’t so that if I go to summer school.

I just have teachers that refuse to let me make up tests no matter the counselor/administrator that talks to them for me or with me.

I honestly can’t bear having to repeat a grade level. It’s not like college where I’m cast by myself, I’m a child and I’ll get made fun of for not graduating with the class of 2020. Plus my parents were discussing about disowning me and giving up on me if I don’t pass so there’s that too.

I already learned over half of 10th grade Math and I surprisingly understood it all… and I hate Math.

I tried seeking a little help bit I was called white hetero cis trash (first, im black and i am cis but im also confused as f. I have nothing against the lgbt+ people…) and that I should go take myself somewhere else and stop talking so that went really well…

I’ll gradually be a little more active on here as the school year rolls out and then I’ll be back on regular schedule, summer school or not.

I’ve been staying away from chatrooms and private convos so I don’t spread my severe depression. I’ve learned my lesson over the years to keep that shit away from others whenever I’m feeling that way because it drags people down and I don’t want to spread sadness. I just want to make others happy (which is why I do what I do)

It’s kinda painful putting on a façade or a fake persona when you’re as emotional as me.

Still keeping the knife tho. I probably won’t need it seeing as though the end result just ends up being the same but no promises.

But hey, maybe the 0.0001% chance I have in being successful may actually happen. We’ll just have to wait and see.

~Judy

–It’s 1AM on the dime and it’s raining pretty hard. It’s nice. Also happy birthday Narancia.–

#admin judi #personal

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sableaire · 7 years

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Hi. I'm studying Jap Lit for 4 years. Fall term always goes fine bur when comes spring, I always fail. I'm still taking first class lessons this year. We have a jap culture community, I am the president this year. Tho everybody hate me and thinks I got the job bc I'm close to the Professor. I may not be a good student but I'm very good when it comes to bureaucracy and paper work. I know what to do, how to talk, I get shit done. I was working alone but now I have vices. 1/// ++

Dear Anon, rest assured, I received all parts of this ask. However, in hopes of respecting your privacy, I am only including the text from this one here. I hope that you don’t mind.

Before I respond, I would just like to shed some light on the approach you can expect from this response. Offline, I’m just a normal university student myself. Perhaps one day I will be a professional mediator or counselor or therapist. However, in my current form, I am unqualified to present any firm suggestions, strategies, or solutions.

As such, this response will be my perspective on the details you have chosen to share with me. I know for a fact that sometimes, emotions can close a person off in their own head, and they might not be able to see a situation from a different angle. I also know that it can be hard to believe other perspectives that don’t line up with your own, so as you read on, please keep in mind that:

I am a stranger on the internet, and I have no reason to lie.

I am not so kind as to say platitudes just to make someone feel better.

I, as a person, pride myself on never saying something I don’t mean.

So please read this post with the assurance that everything that I write is something I perceive to be the truth. I hope that this will be of some help in figuring out your path. More below the cut:

Rather than chronological order, I’ll be addressing themes that I have personal experience with first, as I feel as though those are the points in which my perspective will be most valuable to you.

You mentioned that you feel as though you don’t deserve the people you have around you. You specifically mentioned a non-family individual as well, who would have no societal obligation towards you, and so they are specifically choosing to spend time with you.

I know that when your mind is constantly telling you that you’re not worth people’s time, it’s difficult to think otherwise. After all, at that point it’s your conscious mind vs. the rest of it, and the rest of it has the advantage in numbers and is shouting louder than that one conscious voice. It’s hard to talk yourself up or think of yourself as respectable or valuable.

In the past, I struggled a lot with thinking that people only stuck around with me because they were too polite to tell me to stop bothering them. I didn’t bring it up for a long time because I was afraid that they might say no and then resent me for making them lie to me. I won’t co-opt this post for that long story, but basically, I brought this up to a friend, and skipping past the middle details, at the end she told me that she’s not so nice as to waste her time with someone she didn’t enjoy being around.

And in my experience, that’s true. Other people will have other opinions of you, whether or not they coincide with your own, and the nature of people is that they will not associate with people in their free time if they don’t enjoy being around them. If someone is choosing to hang out with you, respect them, their intelligence, and their autonomy by accepting their decision as a person .

Of course, that doesn’t mean that your value rests in the opinions of others. This mindset is specifically to address the feeling that you don’t deserve people who are choosing to spend time with you.

Another point that stood out to me amongst your asks is that you “feel like a failure” - specifically, you said that you “feel” like one. Though you may not realize it, that’s an important distinction to make. Feelings are not reality - merely a perception of it. Just because you feel like a failure does not mean that you are one, and it’s an extremely good thing that you make the distinction, even if it’s unconsciously.

I’m sorry that one of your vice-executives are overstepping her boundaries. That’s inappropriate of her and unfair to you, but I can’t offer my thoughts without more specific details, in this respect. Was there a time that you were excited to be president of this community? Any feelings or grand plans that you might have had? Rather than worrying about this vice-executive’s options, if there was a time that you enjoyed the idea of the presidency - or even just the culture community as a whole - maybe try to get back in touch with those initial ideas. If there was ever an aspect of the community that made you happy, try to not lose touch with those first feelings.

Also, it’s important to remember that things like becoming president of a culture community and getting a summer trip to Japan (I’m assuming it’s related?) don’t come out of nothing. Even in instances where there is favoritism involved, putting someone in a position usually means they are investing in that person because they see some sort of potential there. It at the very least means they’re confident that the person won’t run the community into the ground.

You mentioned academic hardships and concerns regarding your future. It sounds to me as though you grew up, then, with people telling you that there’s a specific path and order to success - do well in school, get in a good college; do well in college, get a good job; do well in a job, get a good life - does that sound right? If not, I’m sorry for making an assumption. I may have been biased towards that reading because this is, again, something I struggled with in my own life.

But regardless, you seem to be someone who takes their studies seriously, which is admirable. However, I know because my own academic background was hyper-competitive (Korea, woo), this also means that every failure feels like a blow. This is especially worse if you were a successful child because adults will always compare you to yourself, as though something went wrong as you grew up, when it’s really that experiences have shaped you and the world taught you and your mind different priorities. Sometimes that priority is reducing stress, which may manifest as lack of motivation. Sometimes that priority is keeping yourself safe, which results in anxiety. All this together can make an academic failure seem like the end of the line.

However, it’s not. No matter how scary it may be to wander off the paved path - the one society tells you is safest - who doesn’t wander off into nature once or twice? Maybe it’s a forest. Maybe it’s grasslands. Maybe it’s the beach, who knows. But saying that going straight from high school to university is better than taking time, taking it at a slower more manageable pace, is about as stupid as saying that the paved path is inherently better than nature.

If you’re struggling academically, that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you - it means that there’s something wrong with the way you’re approaching the problem. Maybe you’re doing too much at once, or maybe you’re taking it too fast. Maybe you’re taking a more aggressive approach to academia when you should be pacing yourself for a long match.

If you find a different strategy, you can find the solution that’s right for you. For some people, it’s finding assistance through the school, be it through extra time for assignments or delayed exams (possible if your school gives assistance for mental illnesses). For others, it might be taking a break from school for a bit and coming back later. Only you will know what’s right for you. Definitely ask around for information to seek out your options, but the final choice should be yours and yours alone.

You also mentioned a dream, and god, what a good dream. If you’ve been following me, you already know that I love languages myself, so I think wanting to be a professor in a related field is an amazing goal. However, it seems that you’re having your doubts about its feasibility.

In my view, you’re only 22 years old. It may not seem like it because we’ve only been alive for about that long, but in the grand scheme of things, 20 years old is really, really young. Assuming nothing happens, we have decades to achieve our dreams and find satisfaction in our lives.

There are many professions that aren’t aging very well. There are too many doctors, too many lawyers. As technology advances, there’s less and less need for certain professions. But language - as technology advances and different countries interconnect, there’s only ever a growing need for language! Be it to learn another language, to translate between them, to understand how they form and relate, or to conserve a dying language, there’s never an end to the need for languages and their related professions.

Everyone deserves the opportunity to do what they love, as long as that desire does not harm themselves or others. Your aspiration to be a professor is nothing but beneficial, and it’s an admirable dream. All I have to say about it is that it’s alright to slow down. You mentioned that you don’t know whether to pursue your dream or to go find a job now - they’re not mutually exclusive.

You can take time trying other jobs for now to find your financial footing, and then you can go back to school, maybe get a graduate degree. There’s no hurry, and you don’t need to become a TA in your 20s, a professor by 30s. And with the advent of the internet, you don’t need to rush to become a professor to teach either - especially if you struggle with interpersonal interactions, you could try offering tutoring or private lesson services to work with people one-on-one, or you could try teaching an online class.

This is getting kind of long, and I’m not sure how helpful I’m being, but I would just like to add that in my freshman year of college, I had a lot of reason to think about the nature of depression, unhappiness, and desire to die. I came to the tentative conclusion that people despair most when they don’t have someone to share their suffering with, to talk to about their genuine hardships and petty grievances and unhappy moments.

You mentioned that you’re tired of acting like you’re okay. Well, of course you are, if you have to keep it up all the time - I don’t blame you for being tired, and I don’t blame you for wanting it to end. However, there are ways to bring it to an end through living. I encourage you to find someone in your life whom you can drop the act around, someone who you can talk to about how you feel. I can’t say who this person should be, as I do not know the people in your life, but it’s important to have someone in your life, in the physical realm, not just online, whom you can talk to honestly about your feelings.

And that can be scary - after all, who would want to spend time with someone who just feels bad all the time, or maybe your thinking is more that people only like you because you seem like you have your life together, and once they see beyond the facade, maybe they won’t like you anymore– see, that’s the part that I can relate to, because I’ve been stuck in that spiral of thought as well.

It took time, and it took patience, and it took a lot of conscious thinking. I had to psych myself up to it, and I made a lot of contingency plans and emotional failsafes before I could bring myself to take the chance with a friend of mine. Now they know how down I can get sometimes, how irrational my fears can get, but we’re still friends, and perhaps closer for it. That initial honesty lets me be more honest with them on a daily basis, and they return the favor.

Opening up to the people around you is a sign of care and a show of trust, and the people worth your time will recognize that.

You also mentioned that you struggle more mentally and emotionally in the springtime compared to the rest of the year. This sounds to me like you may want to look into Seasonal Affective Disorder. I would definitely recommend getting a professional diagnosis, however, and even if I am wrong, a professional may be able to help you relieve those symptoms. I do not know what country you are from nor what your community’s opinion is on mental health issues, but regarding this and some past events you have mentioned, someone who has finished their study and obtained a license would be far more helpful than me.

To close, you asked me a question regarding death. I can’t really answer the question you asked me specifically because of my view on death. Ultimately, my view is that death is not something ‘deserved’ or ‘undeserved’ - it’s not a blessing nor a punishment. In my view, ‘death’ is not ‘freedom’ either. My philosophy on death is complicated, and I don’t plan to shoehorn it into this post. However, I do think this: Death is the ‘final change’ of Life.

As long you are living, change is assured - that’s the nature of life, the ups and downs. The world doesn’t stand still, and people don’t stay the same. Nothing in life is constant except that things will change. However, change just means opportunities.

Death, however, no one living knows anything of death. All we know is that it means we stop living. For as long as you’re living, both changes and opportunities are assured. We don’t know what lies beyond living, and so to me, death is ‘the loss of assured opportunities’. Death means that maybe there are no more changes, maybe there are no more opportunities. It’s a ‘maybe things won’t get worse’, but it’s also a ‘maybe things won’t ever get better’.

I wish you luck with everything, Anon, and - oh! Enjoy your trip to Japan. If you don’t feel like you deserve it, well, think of it as a lucky opportunity and enjoy it thoroughly. Does a person who wins a lottery ever truly deserve the winning ticket? No, they’re just lucky. So if you think you don’t deserve it, enjoy that trip and learn from it as if it were a sweepstakes win and make it worthwhile.

Use the trip to give yourself time to reset. It will be a new experience, and new experiences are what stimulate change in our lives. So go, have fun, and if you don’t feel like you deserve the trip yet, go and take in the sights and the cultures. Learn and appreciate more than other people might. Heck, you’re in a culture community. I would say you deserve that trip more than some other people who would only want to go to Japan for the shopping and nothing else.

In any case, I’m sorry this is so long, Anon. I hope it was helpful in some capacity, and if anything was instead counterproductive, I apologize. Even so, I hope things improve for you soon. Please tell me how your trip to Japan goes, too!

#Anonymous #//suicide ideation #response #long

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